#and every single time i've gone back to watch it in the 5 months since

[danthropologie]

plus i know whatever happens to me, i know it's for the better

[romanticinlove]

The ex-boyfriend

Summary: Your ex-boyfriend has been trying to get back together with you for a while now. Your current boyfriend has no problem stepping in.

Word count: 1.1K

content warning: Zack Bia 😟, slight mentions of a toxic relationship

a/n: enjoy!

_________________________________________________

Because you were in the public eye, every single detail of your life was being shown at all times, that included your relationships. Your most recent ex boyfriend, Zack Bia, and you had a very public breakup because he cheated on you. Apart from the cheating, the relationship was toxic and he was a master manipulator. You knew of his reputation, but you still went along with him. You kicked yourself for it and so did everyone else. When your relationship with him was announced, everyone was so confused. Like you and him of all people. But when the relationship ended, because you ended it, people rejoiced. Everyone was so happy to hear the news. Everyone including a young football player, Jude Bellingham.

Jude had had a crush on you ever since you did a photoshoot with Prada. When he saw you on the runway for the first time, he malfunctioned. He got jealous when the pictures of you and Zack first dropped. He could not wrap his mind around the fact that you and that loser were dating. But, when the relationship ended, he took that as his in. He started off by liking and reacting to your stories, and then he dm'ed you. Nothing too crazy, just a simple "hey" with a smiling emoji. From there the two of you began talking. And soon enough, 5 months after the drama with Zack Bia, you were dating Jude Bellingham.

When the news about you and the 20-year old came out, Zack immediately tried to call you. you ignored his calls and then the texts came through.

Zack: Wtf

Zack: Why are you dating that guy???

Zack: We literally just broke up it's so obvious that you're desperate for attention.

Zack: If you wanted to be in a relationship so bad, I would've come back

Zack: I miss u

Even when you blocked his number he contacted you from another one. Once you received more and more messages, you tried to respond to him

You: Please leave me alone. Go find someone else to gaslight

Zack: see you love to thow around that word, but I don't think you actually knows what it means.

Zack: I miss you. I've changed I'm willing to prove that

You: I am dating someone else please stop

Zack: He doesn't matter. He doesn't love you like I do

Zack: I want to see you, I'm in Spain right now, come see me

You shut your phone off and sighed in frustration. Why did he have to come all this way just to bother you? You immediately called Jude.

"hello" Jude answered on the second ring. You loved how he would always answer your call, no matter what, as fast as he possibly could.

"Hey baby, are you busy right now?" You asked. You were so annoyed and needed Jude's comfort.

"no not at all why? is everything ok?"

"yeah could you just come over please" Jude could hear the desperation in your voice so he immediately got his things from his house and began to head out.

"of course, I'll be there soon"

When Jude arrived at your apartment, You explained everything to him. From how you and Zack started dating, to his constant harassment and even him being in Spain. Jude was visibly upset, but he wasn't mad at you, but at that lunatic. He hated how upset he made you and how he was trying to push his way back into your life.

" I just don't know what to do anymore" You stated "I just want to stay here with you forever, I don't want to deal with him." You were laying on Judes chest in your bed as he drew circles on your back.

"I promise he is long gone, he is bluffing. I don't think he would come all the way to Spain. Besides, I will stay with you here forever" He said as he kissed your forehead. You smiled and you both decided to watch s show together. Halfway through one of the episodes, you heard a knock at the door and looked over at Jude in confusion. Unfortunately, he was asleep, so, you got up and went to answer the door. Lo and behold, outside your door was your ex-boyfriend.

"I told you I missed you" Zack said while holding flowers.

"I don't care, I told you I'm with someone else. You and I are done." You said as you tried to close the door. He managed to push his way in. "You need to leave right now"

"No, we still need to talk, I don't like how things ended"

" You cheated on me, there end of story"

"I wouldn't have cheated if you hadn't made me" Zack told you and you looked at him in confusion and he continued. " You were always such a bitch nagging about your job, it wasn't that hard. I needed to find someone to distract myself from your constant complaining" Zack began to yell at you and You just shook your head.

"Ok I complained too much, you found someone else, everything is good again, please leave" You were getting annoyed and began to walk towards the door to open it. That's when he grabbed your arm and pushed you away from the door.

"I said we need to talk" He yelled at you and that's when Jude stepped out of the bedroom and looked at him. Jude threw a punch at him and he went down onto the couch. "Don't you ever disrespect her like that again, do you understand?" Jude got up in his face and yelled at him. He grabbed him by his shirt and dragged him out and threw him out on the concrete. He then walked over to you, who was standing near the stairs to go upstairs, a couple of feet from where it all happened.

"I'm so sorry he did that. Are you ok? Did he hurt you?" Jude said while examining you. You were completely unharmed, your wrist just hurt a little from the force used. Jude engulfed you in a hug and you rested your head in him.

"Thank you so much Jude, you have no idea how much this means to me" You said to him and you hugged him.

"You don't have to thank me for protecting you. It comes with the territory"

"I love you, Jude"

"I love you too y/n"

You both went back up to your room and continued to spend time together watching tv. Even though your last relationship caused confusion, you knew that now people would agree that you two were prefect together.

___________________________________________

Thank you for reading! I also wanted to let you guys know I am taking requests in case you guys wanted to send some in! also lmk If you guys think I should write about some other ppl

[m1dnyt3-w0lf]

Chapter 5: In A Month's Time

2,638

Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4

After the near mugging, I followed Miguel's rule to be accompanied by someone when I went out. Either by him or by Jess. It was usually Jess since she was taking me to different stores to apply to. I hadn't heard back from anyone after three days of applying. I was a bit bummed out, but it was expected that I would not get a job immediately. I still had the rest of the month to get a job, though. No sweat.

“Maybe you're not looking in the right places.” Jess offered after a bite of french fry. “Maybe try an office job.”

“I like being on my feet, and this may be the only social interaction I'll be getting. The last thing I want is to be sitting for hours staring at a computer screen when I'm already going to be doing that for my classes.” I told her.

“Fair point.” She agreed. She didn't let me pay for the meal.

I haven't spent a single dime since I've been here. Neither her nor Miguel would allow me to pay for anything. I was sure it was some kind of motherly thing for Jess. Miguel, however, I had no clue why he wouldn't let me pay for anything. He insisted he'd buy whenever we ate out, which was basically every dinner we shared. I had enough after the fourth day he paid.

“Miguel, I have money. Let me pay for it this time!” I crossed my arms.

“Save your money for school. That's more important.” He simply said as he handed the waiter the booklet that held the bill and his card. I huffed at that.

“That's why I’m getting a job. So I could pay for both necessities and fun stuff like this! And rent!” But he wasn't having any of my reasons, so he continued to pay for everything. It was mildly infuriating.

It wasn’t the only infuriating thing Miguel did. He seemed adamant that we shared at least one meal together. If it wasn’t breakfast, it’d be dinner. Never lunch since I was out job hunting, and he was…working. I think.

“What do you do at work?” I asked him over breakfast.

“Well,” he started slowly. “I engineer stuff.”

“What do you engineer?” I felt the space grow awkward.

“Biological stuff.” I frowned at his answer. He was being so vague, like he was hiding something.

“What kind of biological stuff?”

“Ah, that I can’t tell you. Top secret research, company contracts, that whole ordeal.” He sounded more confident than before. I pouted a bit at his answer.

“Aw, come on, not even a tiny bit?”

“Wish I could.” His weird watch lit up at that moment. He was quick to look at it, a deep scowl appearing on his face as he glared at his screen. “I have to get going. I’ll have Jess pick you up some dinner before dropping you off.” Then he was gone.

Many of my interactions were like this with Miguel. Conversations cut short, meals rushed, even being caught at midnight trying to eat shredded cheese just because he came home right then. I had no idea what being a bioengineer was like, but this didn’t seem right. He disappeared often outside his work hours. Honestly, it worried me to see him so overworked. I worried that paying for me forced him to need to make extra money. It made me more determined to find a job.

By the time the second week started, I had no calls, no acceptances, nothing. I was starting to get worried. I know things like this took time, but I was never good at being patient. I started finding myself pacing my room and willing an email or call to ring my phone. Obviously, that never happened.

A distraction had come in the form of a man. He was a little over average height with a long face, brown hair, and a bright pink robe. He had a child with him, a little girl with unruly, red hair and big blue eyes. The man had barged in and made himself at home.

“Is Miguel home?” He had asked. How many parents did Miguel know?

“Uh, no, he left for work about an hour ago. I’m sorry, who are you?” I asked. The man had his full attention on the child, so I wasn't sure if he had heard me. Right when I was about to repeat my question, he spoke.

“Aw, bummer! He always likes seeing Mayday, isn't that right?” He made kissy faces to her and made her giggle. “I’m Peter, by the way!”

“Okay…where’s Jess?” I asked him. He already established he knew Miguel, so he was good company.

“Jess is at a…baby appointment. Yeah, that's the thing.”

“Right.” I give a slow nod. Well, whenever you're ready, we can—”

“Oh, you wanna see some pictures of Mayday?!” Peter exclaimed, interrupting me.

“Well—”

“Ah, of course you do! Everyone does!” He interrupted again. Safe to say, I did not get to submit any applications that day.

He was very lively for a man who seemed to be in his late twenties, early thirties. He hovered over Mayday a lot and seemed so extremely aware of her all the time, even when he wasn’t looking at her. He moved with cat-like reflexes. No, he moved much faster. He was practically a blur. He moved almost as fast as his mouth did. He didn’t shut up the entire time he was over. Everything out of his mouth was either about Mayday or a joke. I wasn’t sure which I preferred to hear from him. He rambled so much that he was still talking my ear off when Miguel came home. He looked at my bored-out-of-my-mind expression and immediately kicked Peter out of the apartment, which still took another hour since Peter insisted Miguel should look at pictures of Mayday. Miguel had apologized with dinner, a fancier place than usual. For once, I didn’t complain. It wasn’t my only win of the night. I did, at least, convince Peter not to let me hold Mayday.

Around mid-week, my things started showing up in the mail. Three boxes had been delivered, none containing my clothes. I was a bit worried as the weather had started to cool sooner than I expected it to. With Jess's bike being my only form of transportation, I had to ask Miguel for a jacket.

“You don't have one?” He asked me past a bite of chow-mein.

“I have one, but it's too thin. I'd be a shivering puppy on Jess’s bike.” I told him. “I have jackets on the way, so I don't wanna buy another one. If I could just borrow one of yours, I'd be super grateful.”

Miguel had studied me for a few moments. I put on my best puppy dog eyes that would even convince my mother. He let out a defeated sigh.

“Fine, I'll see what I have.”

What he had was a dad sweater. The ones that zipped up to your chin and were nothing but fuzzy cloth. It kept me warm alright, but it also swallowed me. The dang thing went down to my thighs, and the sleeves were about two inches past my hands. I had to start wearing my belt over the jacket just to keep it in place. I had to roll the sleeves up at least three times just to have my hands peek through the holes. I had never felt smaller than I did when wearing his jacket. Jess tried, and failed, to hold back her laugh when she saw me. But it was all I had to work with until my box of clothes arrived. I checked with the front desk every single day for that box but came up empty every single time. No matter, I was sure the box would turn up eventually.

The third week finally rolled around, and I had nothing ready. I had no job, no furniture, and no clothes. The post office somehow lost my box of clothes. That was another two weeks' worth of clothes! I made calls and emails but came up empty. I didn't dare bring it up to Jess or Miguel. I didn't want them to worry about me. I could fix this. I just needed to buy more clothes…at some point. For now, I was stuck with my measly one week's worth and Miguel's jacket. I was glad I only packed pants.

Troubles aside, my first rent payment was due soon. I had money to cover it with no problem, but it didn’t stop me from worrying about next month’s rent or my school supplies now that I needed to buy new clothes. My funds would be taking a harsh hit if the prices I’ve seen so far were anything to go by. It worried me. A lot of things worried me. My worries began to build up in me and turn into anxiety. I wasn't getting sleep. I stayed up late and, in turn, got up late. I found myself bouncing my leg more often than not. I was getting distracted and lost in my thoughts during conversations. Jess had basically given up holding a conversation. Miguel, however, kept trying. He even went as far as—

SNAP, SNAP, SNAP

“Wha-?” I blinked back into the present and focused on Miguel’s snapping fingers.

“Are you listening?” He looked annoyed.

“Of course!” I lied stupidly. He didn't look convinced.

“What did I just say?”

“Okay, fine, I wasn't listening.” I huffed, giving in immediately. “What did you say?”

His eyes studied me for a few moments. The silence stretched a bit longer than what was comfortable. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak.

“Are you okay?” He asked with a strangely concerned tone. I was actually surprised.

“What? Of course I am. Why?”

“You're constantly spaced out, your shoulders are tense, you’re constantly bouncing that damn leg, and I’m sure your eyebrows need a divorce with how long they’ve been drawn together.” He stated. I was shocked with how attentive he was to my current behavior. I couldn’t tell if he was upset or genuinely concerned about it. He sounded like a cross between the two. “You’re anything but okay. What’s going on? Is someone bothering you?”

“No one’s bothering me! I don’t even know anyone here.” I said quickly. The last thing I needed was this giant of a man becoming my guard dog. A hot guard dog, but still the last thing I needed.

“Then what is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It has to be something.”

“No it doesn’t!”

“‘Nothing’ doesn’t force people into your state. It’s something.” It wasn’t even a question. It was a statement.

“I can figure it out. Don’t worry about it!” I argued.

“All you’re doing is worrying about it! You’ll worry yourself sick, let me help you!”

“I can do this on my own!”

“You obviously can’t if you’re this stressed about it!”

“I’m an adult, Miguel, of course I can!”

“That doesn’t mean anything!” Our voices had risen by now, our argument getting heated. Miguel’s hands had balled into fists, my own had started waving around animatedly.

“It means everything!” I shouted, slamming my fists on the table. The bang echoed louder than my voice in the small kitchen and silenced us both.The sting of the impact tingled the entire bottom of my fist. I glared at Miguel as if my stare could melt his skin off. His glare, on the other hand, disappeared. Something kin to realization crossed his face. His eyebrows had a different crease in them. He looked softer.

The silence stretched between us. It cloaked us and choked the air out of our surrounding space. In the silence, I calmed. The sting became a bit sharper. My heavy breathing now stuttered. My lip wobbled. The first tear fell from my right eye. Then another from my left. A sob barely left my lips when Miguel’s chair scraped the floor, and his arms were around me, pulling me into a hug. There was no room to push him away or to feel embarrassed. I don’t think I could’ve if I tried with how tightly he held me. I cried, no, wailed, into his chest and clung onto his shirt for dear life.

It was almost comical how, despite the obvious anguish I was exuding, I couldn’t help my wandering mind. I could feel every muscle of his body pressed against mine. Rock hard compared to my soft plush. He was also warm. His hold was comforting and enveloped me entirely. He was so gentle. I felt like a kitten in his arms. Something precious. It was an intoxicating feeling I wasn’t sure I was ready to indulge in. But, for now, it felt right. I found myself relaxing into his hold and calming down until I was only sniffling. I felt sticky and gross, yet Miguel continued to hold me.

Then, I heard it.

“Todo está bien.” I heard him mutter. My brain halted. Was he speaking to me? It was so quiet that I had completely missed it.

“Te tengo, chiquita.” He continued, rubbing his hand on my back.

Chiquita. It sounded so good coming from him. I listened to his reassuring words and let out a slow breath. I closed my eyes and leaned more into his chest. I heard his heart thump against my ear.

Thump-thump, th-thump-thump, thump-thump

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He rumbled. The bass in his voice rumbled through his chest and into my body.

“I yelled at you. I’m sorry about that.” I said. “I’m…I’m in a bit of trouble.

Th-thump-thump, thump-thump, th-thump-thump

His hand found its way under my chin and lifted it so I could look at him. I was already missing the security of his chest.

“What trouble?” He asked with knit eyebrows. He’s only known me for a month, and he looked absolutely wrecked with worry. It made my heart flutter to see someone who wasn’t family care so much about me.

“Well,” I started with a huff of breath. “For starters, the post office lost my clothes.”

“We can get you more tomorrow.” He said immediately. I was a bit taken aback by his quick response but continued.

“I don’t have furniture.”

“I’ll get some for you. I didn’t mean to leave the room so empty, honestly, but I wanted you to decorate your room however you wanted.”

“I have to worry about rent.”

“Worry about school, let me worry about the rent.” He said with a caress of his thumb. I didn’t like the idea of him buying my furniture and paying both halves of the rent. That was so much money.

“I don’t have enough money for school supplies.”

“I can help out.” He replied. Now he was offering to help with my school supplies? How much was I going to owe him?

“I don’t have a job.”

Miguel’s eyes looked into mine, silent after my final words. He looked calculated. There was a funny crinkle in the corner of his eyes. His eyebrows finally eased, and instead, one of them raised. He tilted his head a bit as if to size me up. His gears were turning, and I wasn’t sure I was going to enjoy what he was going to say next.

“I have an offer.” He said. Dangerous words.

“What kind of offer?” I asked slowly, finally pulling away from his arms. I no longer felt safe in them if this talk was going down the road I thought it was going down. He let me move but held onto my arms, rubbing his thumbs lightly against them. He dropped the bombshell.

“Let me pay for everything.”

Translations

Ch 6

Tags: @crocs-blogs @madschiavelique @arithestrawberry @eveandtheturtles @obi-mom-kenobi @thelaundrybitch @symmetricalkazekage @raphsmuneca @tojishugetiddies @kazunewolfwood-blog

[rainingmbappe]

i have this book about chaos written by james gleick since the 10th grade and i've read it so many times. i've scribbled so many things inside, highlighted so many things in pink and yellow that if anyone else picked it up they would think that i am crazy. it's practically an extension of my being. i've carried it with me everywhere, from bus rides to morocco, i read it on the beach with me while my family was swimming (im allergic to sea water). before falling asleep i just think about the fact that the universe is constantly expanding, how we're all just specks of nothing hurtling through space. motionless on my bed but somehow i'm traveling thousands of millions of kilometres, heading to nowhere (probably). i cried a few times gazing at the moon, thinking how lucky neil armstrong was to set foot on it. i saw a moon rock in a museum in London, i couldn't hold back the tears as my mom pretended she didn't know me. i never understood why people weren't as fascinated with the universe. why the stars didn't raise dreams within them. the moon didn't make them wonder, how could they not be amazed by the very sun that warms their skin? it's all so perfect, all so precisely calculated, so meticulously orchestrated. i'm amazed by the way tiny creatures carry the most complex phenotype. how everything stays in place, how everything makes sense. there is some people that never wondered and never will. dull mind, not thinking once about the possibilities. the things we might discover while i'll be gone, it terrifies me because i might never know. when i go for a drive with my parents and i sit in the backseat, i close my eyes and bask in the warmth of the sun filtering through my eyelids. it's like being wrapped in a blanket of red shades, the warmth feels so comforting. it smells like the sun. i don't know if you've ever smelt it, it's just like when you wash a piece of clothe and you let it dry in the sun. it smells like warmth, it smells like love. i love you and i didn't forget about you <3

I woke up at 5 and rolled up my blinds letting in the sun. I made myself coffee and checked my phone briefly before I started studying when I opened tumblr. I had a bunch of notes and I quickly scrolled through them almost missing this. But then I started reading it.

I've missed this so much. I read it and I reread it all while tears were going down my face. And then I kept my phone down and cried some more. I understand you and you understand me in ways that I'll never be able to replicate.

I understand and feel every single word of this. You best believe my next read is gonna be that. "Its practically an extension of my being" I'm gonna cry again. The way you share my wonder and awe makes me feel so seen, my soul feels recognized and satisfied.

I was talking to my physics sir about how I cannot comprehend how the universe doesn't stir some people. Or the majority of people. They don't obsessively want to leave their whole life behind in pursuit of the endless expanses of knowledge. When I am in my roof for hours, looking up and my neck aches and begs me to look down for even a second, i feel like I'm floating like a feather, free and truly careless. Figuring out the beautiful constellations, crying over seeing the pattern so vividly on the beautiful moon, watching the sun dip beneath the horizon and visit you and the other for a few hours. Those moments are an extension of my being. I remember, a few months ago, it was freezing and I was lost in thought looking up and the moon had a different glow to it. It was almost gold, shining like the brightest jewel in our universe, and involuntary tears escaped me. I understand you. I know what you mean and it makes me weak to think that someone out there understands me too.

I often cry over my inability to do maths and having to leave the subject behind. I'll never be able to study what my heart lies in. But then immediately after, I'm reminded of the wonders that lie within. The wonders that I get to study. I agree with you. Why aren't people fascinated by all this? Why aren't they silently going mad with want and desire to explore, understand, learn? The way everything just makes sense. I feel like our feeble human mind isn't even capable of comprehending the wonders that the universe beholds but the want and desire to even try fills up my days.

When I look up at the morning sky, the first rays of the day beaming across my tiny sliver of the sky, that feels like love to me. When I bid my goodbye to the sun, watching it dip, that's love. When I see orion or castor and pollux, the twin stars, thats love.

You already know this but that's the Pale blue dot by Carl Sagan for me. I've never had my body tingle with excitement to have the privilege to read such a peice of work in my lifetime. I found him in an age so crucial, his shadow forms me in fundamental levels.

I see your fascination, your terror and your love for all of it like a mirror.

[imthefailedartist]

I need to rant.

Sistas is so stagnant. Five seasons deep and we are still on the same plots since season one. He'll in time I'm sure the show is only 5 months away from the first episode and that's being generous.

Tyler Perry puts absolutely no artistry or care into his work, and that's the main problem. If he cared one iota the show would at least be nice to look at. This man has the same lighting for every scene and it's bright white. BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT ON BLACK SKIN. Nigga! Be fucking for real. All these beautiful skin tones washed out, blown out by this fucking light. He complained about David Fincher [unnamed] showing up 7 hours late to set and leaving minutes later because he didn't like the lighting and made them change it before coming back to direct. Perry was upset because everyone on set was being paid hourly for doing nothing because the director was gone. It was worth it. Gone Girl looks great. That's the lesson. Shadows and blemishes everywhere.

We have been with these characters for 5 seasons and I can't tell you shit about their lives or their friendships. FIVE SEASONS 100+ episodes 100 hours of television and the story has not progressed. The characters have not evolved, grown, or matured. Nothing!!! This is bullshit. Tyler wouldn't know character development or story telling if it bit him in the ass and said "I'm character and story development"

The men. I don't even know what to say other than every single one of them is a predator stalker, abuser. Except Zac, and even then, I'm sure his character's development is determined by the actor who plays him ability to improvise his character out of Tyler Perry's shitty character holes. And the worst part is that Tyler Perry thinks all these men with all these giant red flags are good men. Don't believe it? Watch the season three or four Tyler Perry Show after dark Sistas finale episode. The actress' clearly hate their storylines, and the men their characters are stuck with and criticize them only for Perry to combat and refute everything with a very final "but they're good men".

The main issue is that Tyler Perry is an old man who has never listened to anyone, especially if they're a woman. He's writing a show about 30 something Black career women a thing he has never been and knows nothing about.

He loves to brag that his shows are things he's heard real women discuss and to be fair, you can tell that in his shows, but what you can really see is that he hears these conversations but never listens because if he listened these characters wouldn't feel like composites of different stories and they would feel real and we'd see why these women are suffering through these things. They would have nuance, layers, and history. Instead, they have nothing but what this very judgemental man thinks they deserve punishment for.

What he's done to these actors is unforgivable. He gives them very little in the script (per his own admission) and expects them to improvise to fill in the gaps. They try, but it's not enough. It's not their job to keep track of the story or advance their characters it's the writers, the showrunners. They have no time to sit with their characters and costars or director to establish what the direction of a scene or story is supposed to be. All the performances are so stilted. It's like watching those human AI robots talk. It's so awful. I've seen them in other things they are talented but Perry gives them nothing to work with.

I hate it.

All that money and he puts none of it into his work and hiring writers.

I have more to rant about, but I need to go to the grocery store, and honestly, I'm tired of giving him my time, so I'm probably gonna quit all his stuff but the movies because the old ones actually had effort.

[theghostpinesmusic]

Well, somehow I've been writing about Goose jams since Euro tour '23 and I haven't done a write-up on "Borne" yet. Guess it's time to fix that.

"Borne" has become a huge jam vehicle for the band since Cotter joined, and for a minute I thought maybe that's why I hadn't gotten to any versions yet, that maybe it just wasn't a song that was getting jammed out that often before this past spring. Then I smacked myself in the head and howled in rage at my own stupidity (not really) when I realized that there are tons of classic takes on "Borne" from the Ben Era (TM). To name a few of my favorites:

2/5/22: Second-ever version. I was there for this one, and it featured an absolutely beautiful guitar-loop-based jam out of the song that has since, unfortunately, gone the way of the dodo. That was followed up by a great take on the "2001"-ish funk jam that the song proper still segues into sometimes to this day.

8/17/22: I was there for this nearly thirty-minute take, too. It was multifaceted and weird. I should probably write a thing about it someday, especially since I just revisited the video of this show recently for fun.

3/9/23, 3/25/23, and 4/13/23: These are the only three "double time" versions of the song to date, and every single one led into a fantastic long jam. Bring it back, guys!

4/25/23: I was also there for this version, which is maybe my favorite Goose jam I've seen in person from maybe my favorite Goose show I've seen in person. Insanely patient, textural jam with an incredible light display to boot. Love it, and should also write a thing about it sometime.

There's also a hell of a version from the early Cotter Era (TM) "Chateau Sessions" that I absolutely love. I wrote about the "Chateau Jam" from these sessions awhile back, but honestly I think the "Borne" is even better and can't really recall now why I chose the other as my subject. Ah well.

So, yeah. In "short," "Borne" has a long history as a jam vehicle that has only grown in 2024. This thirty-minute version comes from the 2024 summer tour opener (and Cotter's first "real" tour with the band). Now, I've been doing my usual summer stuff, which means I've spent a lot of the last two months sleeping on the ground, wandering the forest, and (weirdly) riding on a huge boat, so I've only made it through about eight of the summer tour's twenty shows so far, but I'm happy to report that Goose continues to Destroy Space And Time in 2024. Perhaps even more so now with the addition of Cotter. It's funny to think now that we were all worried about that for awhile there.

I'll work my way through the tour as I watched it over time here, but for now, as I said, this "Borne" comes from the tour opener, which was, well, a real statement. I try to shy away from ranking shows against each other, to keep that thief, Comparison, away from my Joy, but holy hell if this 6/4 show was better than any tour opener with a new drummer has any right to be.

The "Borne" (which I'll get to shortly) is definitely the highlight here, but I've felt like the flow of the band's sets have really improved lately, maybe not because of Cotter, but from 2023 to 2024 for sure. That shows up immediately here as the first set opens with a monster, unfinished take on "All I Need" that segues into an unfinished "Time To Flee," then back into the ending of "All I Need," and then back into the ending of "Time To Flee." That's some Phish-style shit right there, friends. There's a little breather with "Mr. Action" and THEN THE "BORNE" COMES.

But not to be (completely) outdone, the second set opens with a wild "Yeti" > "Slow Ready" -> "Mas Que Nada" sequence where all three songs leave their boundaries and explore some kind of Type 2 space. It closes with one of my favorite recent takes on "Empress Of Organos," which ventures into an 8-bit NES-sounding jam for a few minutes before resolving. And I'll take a cover of David Gray's "Please Forgive Me" for an encore any day (except 12/31/22, which'll do you one better).

But yes. The "Borne." Sitting in the middle of this statement of a show like a tentpole. Shall we?

Well, the one thing I forgot to mention in my obnoxiously long run-down of "Borne" above is that it's just a great ballad/rock song even without the jam(s) at the end. So you can spend the first few minutes of this video just enjoying some quality songwriting. Oh, and also Jeff on a second guitar, which allows for a slightly different arrangement than during the Ben Era (TM) because we don't need three guitars and thus end up with Peter on piano/keys. I've always loved this song since Dripfield, but adding the piano in there gives it a bit more emotional umph, in my opinion. Especially during the breakdown at the end of the song and the initial outro jam, which starts at 4:40.

This bit actually takes awhile to build momentum...it almost feels like the new arrangement isn't something the band is quite used to yet? Regardless, by 7:30 or so, Rick has found his groove, shredding on the song's outro melody to bring the Type 1 jamming to a proper conclusion. After a brief pause, Cotter brings the drums back in at 8:27, Jeff switches back over to percussion, and with a wash of synth, we're in that "2001"-ish space I mentioned earlier.

I love the feel of this jam. While it's not exactly revolutionary melodically, Trevor's bass tone, Rick's subtle guitar loop, and Peter's Vibe blend together in a wonderful way. Not to mention the jazzy feel added by Cotter and Jeff.

Eventually Peter takes the lead, and lays down a great Vibe solo.

At 13:43, Rick takes over with a switch to a grungier tone, though the rest of the band stays firmly in Deodato-ish territory.

I had some doubts about the frankly sort of weirdly-shaped light rig at the beginning of the Cap run back in April, but it's moments like 15:15 that put those concerns to rest pretty quickly.

Rick continues to solo for a bit, and while he does I feel compelled to point out (maybe for the first time, but certainly not for the last time) how much of a difference it makes to have Trevor turned up in the mix. He adds so much to the band's sound in general, but especially during these "solo" moments that aren't really a solo in a strict sense...partially because everyone else in the band is always painting around the edges rather than just holding down the musical foundation. Trevor does this as well if not better than anyone else in the band, and often you just...can't hear him at all?

So, yeah, keep Trevor turned up.

Up to the 19:00 mark, this has been a solid jam, but it's also been pretty straightforward: outro jam based on the "Borne" chords, "2001"-ish Peter solo, then a "2001"-ish Rick solo. Again, quality playing, but so far this could be any version of "Borne," really.

The bottom drops out at 19:00, though, and things get more interesting. Initially, the combination of Trevor and Cotter take over, with Peter's synth effects dropping into and out of the space all willy-nilly. Peter moves to the clav at 20:10, to the obvious approval of the audience, then Cotter and Jeff's overlapping beats form a foundation for all kinds of weird noises that all three of the band's melody players get in on.

Patient and weird at the same time. That's that 2024 Goose stuff.

For as much as I absolutely love Rick's guitar playing (obviously), so many of my favorite Goose jam spaces involve him just leaning over his looper and not strictly "playing" the guitar at all. This one's no exception.

I've complained a few times before about how during these long jams sometimes Pete has a tendency to lock onto one figure or idea on the keys and play it until well after I'm sick of hearing it. He's gotten better about not doing that this year, and a great example is here: at 23:00, just as I was about to type something about his playing being too repetitive, he switches things up, which in turn brings Rick back to playing his guitar directly, with a "classic" 2021-2022 octave-shifted Rick tone.

The band slowly but surely fleshes out the jam's sound for the next few minutes, thanks in no small part to Cotter's versatility on the drum kit. By 26:30, we've almost left the previous space behind entirely, except for Trevor's bass tone. It's a really neat transition into some really propellant major-key funk, and Rick takes over again here, though it's worth noting that everyone else is helping with the build.

Rainbow lights ftw!

I think it's safe to say that whatever trepidation the band might have been feeling at the beginning of this jam is gone by the: there's a great, guitar-led peak and a quick return after to the funky/bluesy theme and then...that's all for the 6/4 "Borne"!

Lots more Goose stuff from the first half of the tour coming soon, provided I have the time to sit down and write more...

[thexternaloptimist]

TW PET LOSS

i lost my beautiful orange kitty, two days ago so so suddenly and i don't know how to recover from it.

i still don't know what happened. she seemed perfectly fine that morning but that evening is when I found her laying in the middle of the floor, not moving. as soon as I rushed over to her and touched her to see if she was breathing, I knew she was already gone.

all I could do when I found her was just start screaming and wailing. i don't think I've ever felt something that intensely before, not even when one of my parents passed (I had a couple of weeks to prepare myself for that though). reaching down to touch her is what keeps running through my mind over and over and how she felt and the absolute horror and shock is something I don't know if I'll ever forget.

she was such a kind and sweet girl even though she got up to so much trouble in her day. I got her as a tiny tiny kitten two and a half years ago. she used to fit in the palm of my hand and by the time she was all grown up she was 13lbs. all of my friends said that she was one of the biggest cats they had seen. all of it was pure muscle, though. she was so strong and agile and could scale her six foot cat trees in less than 5 seconds flat. I wish I could've timed it.

she used to race around the house like nobody's business and seemed so happy to have space to spread out in when we moved into a bigger house. she would also try to bite every single thing she came across. seriously. i lost so many chargers and headphones due to that cat. she would also love to chew on my yarn whenever I would knit or crochet. she would chase the yarn balls around and try and hunt down my crochet hook like a critter whenever I was using it.

her favorite spot in the world was probably my desk chair. from the day I got it, she claimed it as her spot. if I ever couldn't find her, she would always be sitting in that chair all cuddled up. last night when I sat down to try and do some studying (as finals don't stop for anything :( ) the first things I felt were her little scratch marks on the back of my chair where she'd scratch it once or twice before climbing up, to my dismay. everything I do and everywhere I go reminds me of her. she was such a huge part of my life and got me through so much hard stuff. I would've never made it through these past couple of years without having her to take care of. she was so silly and encouraged me to get through anything.

she really was my best friend in the world and was always hanging out with me. she would sit in my lap while we watched TV, curl up in my lap while I studied, would cuddle up to my side while I slept (if I allowed her in my room as she had a habit for knocking everything off of my nightstand and desk if left unsupervised) (during our last month together she knocked down 40oz of ice cold water onto my back at 4am, soaking me, my bed, my pajamas, and the book on my nightstand) she was my first cat that was mine to care for and part of me feels like I've failed her, even though I know objectively there's nothing I could've done and that I loved her so much while she was still here with me.

our family cat, Luna, has been such a sweetheart throughout all of this. the night it happened she sat quietly by my side while I sobbed and said goodbye to Stella for the last time. she usually sleeps on the couch but she's made a point of sleeping next to me every night since it's happened. whenever I'm crying Luna has come running to try and comfort me. I can't imagine ever having to lose her.

rest easy, stella. I love you so so much and I will never forget you, baby.

[dancing-to-architecture]

90 - Pink Floyd - The Wall

High up on my list of "Best Movie Soundtracks Ever", even though a. it's a rock opera and b. one of my favorite songs on the album is notably NOT in the film.

Also, an album I picked up WAY too early in life. This is not an album that should be mainlined by an impressionable young adolescent. (See also: Smashing Pumpkins)

And, if you haven't seen the movie, know going in that it's violent and disturbing and disorienting, it adds a LOT to the context of the album, and also you should really watch it twice.

•In The Flesh?-

One of the most bombastic and epic-feeling opening tracks I've ever experienced in my life.

I'm ALWAYS looking for that space cadet glow.

Also it ends like the album is ending, like entire goddamn world is ending, complete with the sound of a plane crash and everything, and then, with a baby's cry, we are introduced to our doomed protagonist.

•Thin Ice-

So, unlike quicksand, thin ice is a horror from my childhood only this one WILL ACTUALLY KILL YOU. Growing up in a small town where two rivers met, thin ice was a legitimate concern every winter.

And, while I don't recall as many people going under the ice as I do "Chicagoans getting wasted and falling to their death at Starved Rock", it was always in the back of my mind whenever the air hurt my face.

Regardless this song is about losing your sanity, and the two concepts are nonetheless linked in my mind, especially since high school makes you feel crazy.

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 1-

This one makes me think of two things:

1. This Robert Anton Wilson quote:

"under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being."

2. My dad's hobby of late: burning all of his money by going on cruise ships multiple times a year.

"Daddy, what'd you leave behind for me?" Not fuckin much.

Otherwise this section of the album has one hell of a groove to it.

•The Happiest Days Of Our Lives-

So happy to say that I never had a *physically* abusive teacher.

Mentally and emotionally? I mean who didn't have at least one of *them* growing up?

(And yes I genuinely, honestly, hope "their psychopathic wives" beat the shit out of every single one of those bastards. If you are in a position of authority over children, and you use that to make their lives objectivly worse, for shit they had no hand in, I hope your eyeballs and throat and liver and kidneys all get ripped out by goddamned vultures.)

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2-

The anthem for my entire generation, and what should damn sure be the energy going forward (especially in Fascistland, I mean Florida, where "slavery was kinda good actually" and "AP Psych can not legally be taught anymore because it says that queer people exist".

We don't need no thought control.

And all in all, Ron Desantis is just another dick with no balls.)

Also, I was much older when I learned that when an Englishman says "pudding" they actually mean "basically any possible dessert" and not just, like, "tapioca".

•Mother-

Generating Lifelong Codependency: The Song.

5 minutes and 34 seconds of Bad Parenting Choices.

See the above Robert A. Wilson quote again.

•Goodbye Blue Sky-

Simultaneously one of the prettiest and one of the ugliest songs on the album.

Beautiful and horrible.

Also, one of my favorite of the animated segments in the film. Evocative as FUCK.

"The flames are all long gone

But the pain lingers on."

•Empty Spaces-

This is the sound of every dying relationship. Once the communication breaks down, the rot begins to take hold.

•Young Lust-

Now, THIS is a great song to get stuck in your head for a month and a half when you're a loser in your sophomore year of high school and nobody wants to really even look at you, let alone go out with you, and absolutely nobody wants to just fuck nasty, which is exactly what this song is entirely about: finding a person who wants to get slammed down, big style.

•One Of My Turns-

Possibly the darkest song on the album and one of the heaviest parts of the movie.

The Breakdown of Every Thing.

That said, "cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum" would be a good description of me from like ages 15-27.

...Thank the gods for LSD. Ego death fixed a lot of that shit.

•Don't Leave Me Now-

Correction: THIS is the darkest song on the album.

A droning meditation on all the various forms of partner abuse.

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 3-

And this is the song that turns the miserable sophomore-year loser into a teenaged curmudgeon. "I don't need any of you, I'll be just fine on my own."

•Goodbye Cruel World-

It's pretty obviously about suicide, but I always thought this would be a great closing song for a live show.

"Yeah this is it, this is all you're getting. You can't change my mind. Goodbye."

•Hey You-

Ah, good day, "Sir Not Appearing In This Film". How are you?

I've heard a few reasons from different people as to why this was cut from the movie, from simply "cut for time" to "the actual film got fucked up during recording and was deemed unusable".

In the story, this is the initial realization of the Great Mistake of building the wall and shutting yourself off from reality and humanity.

In my life, it gave me one of the most impactful lines I've ever heard:

"Hey you,

Don't help them to bury the light.

Don't give in without a fight."

As well as a lovely metaphor for what right-wing talk-radio grifters and Fox News brainwashing did to everybody's parents:

"No matter how he tried, he could not break free, and The Worms ate into his brain."

•Is There Anybody Out There?-

One of my favorite songs on the album.

Short and sweet, if by 'sweet' you mean 'dangerously paranoid'.

Also, one of the only songs I ever learned how to play on guitar.

I classify this as the beginning of what I call the "tone poem section". The next few songs all bleed together into one full movement.

•Nobody Home-

The depression inherent to self-imposed loneliness sets in as self-reflection, self-adoration, and ultimately self-revulsion.

"I'm so smart, I can even figure out every single thing that I did to completely ruin my entire life, but i won't do that until the end of the album, on account of how smart I am."

•Vera-

The tone poem continues.

Also, I had no idea who Vera Lynn was for quite some time. So, no, I didn't remember her. 🤷

It's a devastatingly pretty song, though.

•Bring The Boys Back Home-

And the culmination of the tone poem portion of the album arrives.

There's not a lot to this one, tbh.

•Comfortably Numb-

It is amazing to me how much I related to this song, long before I ever did a single drug. And now, after having done quite a few drug, I'm not much of a depressants guy. (It's probably all the regular depression, why would I ever add more?)

Man, I was a pretty messed up kid, huh.

Such an incredible song, though. Perfect in every way. Beautiful guitar work, the drumming is impeccable, the bass is... present, and the vocals are stellar.

One of my favorites.

•The Show Must Go On-

I can sum this one up with the title of a cancelled douchebag Marilyn Manson song: "I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."

•In The Flesh-

The reprise of the opening track.

Problematic as hell, but that's the fucking point. This is a hyper-violent fascist rally dressed up like a concert, and Anyone Who Doesn't Fit In will be Taken Care Of.

•Run Like Hell-

Back when I was a kid, roughly a thousand years ago, there was a Chicago morning news show that used to use the beginning of this song as their show's intro, and that always struck me as Extremely Fucking Weird.

The concert/hyper-violent fascist rally spills into the streets. Nobody is safe. This is the point.

•Waiting For The Worms-

Fear and isolation lead to horrors beyond human comprehension.

An anthem for krystallnacht.

An anthem for the alt-right mass shooter.

Fortunately, you can theoretically get the worms out. Unfortunately, you will very likely have to crack open the skull in which they reside to do so.

•Stop-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS?!"

•The Trial-

The Big Come Down. Our protagonist realizes, way too late, that despite the many, many tribulations of his life, it is his reactions to those problems that ultimately the source of all of his problems.

Yeah, your teachers were shitty sociopaths, your mom was a domineering bitch, and your wife (rightly) got sick of all of your bullshit and left you.

Shutting yourself out and hiding yourself away doesn't fix a fucking thing, and only makes the Bad Things worse.

Shut the fuck up, Pink. You're not crazy, you're just a bigoted asshole. Tear the fucking wall down already.

•Outside The Wall-

In which our protagonist finally gets a fucking grip and stops being such a dick.

Or, an alternate reading is that Pink has killed himself, and everything from Goodbye Cruel World until this point has been a hallucination caused by his dying mind, and this is him receiving total consciousness at the moment of death.

OR it's simply saying "it's on you to open up a bit, because there are people who genuinely want to help you, but they'll only try for so long."

This is a great album, but you kinda need to see the movie to really get it, which is ironic because you also need to know the album pretty well to understand what the fuck is happening in the movie.

Favorite Track:

I am SO tempted to be a cheeky little shit and say "When The Tigers Broke Free", as that is an incredible song, but it's only in the film, not the studio album.

So I'll invert that and say Hey You, which is on the album, but not in the film.

Least Favorite Track:

Bring The Boys Back Home. It's the end of the slow self-reflection/self-destruction part of the story, there for the (incredibly depressing) vibes.

[barnes-n-nobles]

Blank Slate (SMUT)

Request: hii! i've been missing your bucky fic lately 😓 (not that i dont enjoy your druig fics or anything ofc!) but would you considering to write about dark!bucky that has been stalking and obsessed with reader since a really long time but didn't have the guts to ask her out because of who he is and reader is also too careless to notice, then one day reader got amnesia by an accident. bucky finally sees an opportunity to be reader's boyfriend/fiance/husband and he becomes too controlling because he's scared of losing reader, please? the ending its really up to you if thats okay with you 🥺❤️ im sooo sorry if it sounds to demanding

It’s not proofread so there’s mistakes that I will fix later! I hope you enjoy!

Thank you for your request! Please reblog, like, and let me know what you think!

Warnings: Smut, controlling Bucky, stalker and obsessed Bucky as well. NonCon themes as well

18+ !!!! If you “keep reading” you are acknowledging that you are 18+ and that you have read the warnings.

Please Do not translate, no permission to repost any of my writing on any other platform, and do not copy this and claim it as your own.

Bucky smiled as he looked at your angelic face for the millionth time it felt like. He ran his flesh fingers down your shoulder, feeling your soft skin get goosebumps. Your smile tugged at your lips, he wondered what you were dreaming about. Could it be of him? Oh how he wished it was. He watched you as you slept every single night for the past 5 months. Knowing this is the closest he could get to you. This was very intimate for him because no one was able to do this but him. He was so thankful that you were a very deep sleeper because it allowed him to crawl into bed with you, spooning you from behind as he kissed and sniffed your sweet scent. Laying in bed with you took everything in his power to not push your panties to the side and stuff his cock inside you. He often fantasized on how you would feel around him. He got a hard just thinking about it, pressing himself into your ass, slowly grinding from behind. Bucky wasn’t stupid, he had a back up plan in case you woke up. He had a syringe at the ready, it would knock you out so fast and it would keep you sleeping for a good while. So far he didn’t need to use it, you were such a good girl for him, even in your sleep.

Bucky grew increasingly irritated and he wasn’t there 100% of the time due to him not getting enough sleep. He refused to stop seeing you though, you were the best part of his days..well nights. When the Avengers had their weekly meetings, it was his second favorite time. He was able to talk to you and see you fully awake and responsive. You were hired to look after the compound when they were gone. Since they had a mission coming up, you had to be there to plan accordingly for when they came back.He tried to not be obvious and didn’t really talk to you like the others, distancing felt like the best bet. You knew what he was and he knew you would never be with someone like him. You had a pure heart , not capable of hurting a fly, however he was the complete opposite. He had caused so much pain, suffering, trauma to so many people along the decades. He was not worthy, his consciousness constantly reminded him.

When the meeting was done, you had to go and ask everyone if they had specific tasks that they needed to be completed before returning. As you got everyone’s lists, it was time to ask Bucky. You remember he went to his room so you made your way over there, low key excited to see and talk to him. Bucky was sitting on his bed smiling, scrolling through his phone as he swiped through the pictures that he took of you the night before. He had a gallery full of them but his favorite was a separate album named , “Daddy’s doll” where he took pictures of your exposed body. Some were of your exposed breast’s, your plump ass in some cute thongs, his most prized ones were when you didn’t wear anything to bed. However he had a video that was his ULTIMATE favorite, that night he went as far as to taking a video of his own cock placed on your lips, precum sticking to them as rubbed it lightly over them. His dick was rock hard now, groaning at pornographic scene.

“Bucky are you busy” you asked knocking on the door frame. Bucky jumped as you scared the hell out of him, quickly locking his phone. “Uugh no come in” he said clearing his throat. “I’m sorry to bother Buck, but do you have anything you want done before you get back” you asked coming in. “Dont be silly you’re never a bother doll but no I don’t need anything done to be honest” he said standing up and waking towards you. “Are you sure?! Not even organize your dresser, all this could go into this drawer” you said starting to open one, “DONT” he yelled slamming his hand on it to push it closed. “What the- YOU SCARED ME” you exclaimed retracting your arm to your chest. “I-I’m so sorry…I just have…my underwear there” he lied trying to cover up the fact that he definitely did have a drawer full of underwear..but it wasn’t his. “Oh my god Bucky! I don’t care about that. I’m not some pervert I promise I won’t steal it.” You joked laughing a little. Bucky just smiled, not thinking it was funny at all.

“I know doll..I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you” he said bringing you into him, giving you a big bear type of hug. Your eyes widened, taking you by surprise. This is the first time he’s actually hugged you; every other time it was one of those side, one armed hugs. “O-oh no problem” you giggled. “I have to get going, I got a lot to do..I’ll see you when you come back from your mission” you said ripping away from him, making Bucky feel a bit bitter. “Okay my sweet y/n..I’ll miss you” he said hugging you from behind as you walked to the door, then suddenly tickling you, making you jump and burst into laughter. You thought he was being extra friendly today which you didn’t mind, seeing as this would mean he was finally warming up to you. “Sure you will” you joked as you left the room. Bucky was pissed that you didn’t take him seriously, it infuriated him that you just couldn’t get the hints. He slammed the door shut and locked it, he needed to take his anger out and what better way to do that, than to Jack off to you.

He opened the drawer taking out his favorite set of your undergarments. It was a silk pastel green matching set

He took out some Polaroids from that same drawer just because he could and felt like it. He opened up his phone and resumed the video, pulling out his dick and pumping himself into his flesh hand. He grabbed a bit of lotion from his night stand and he moaned at the feeling. He set his phone down on the bed and couched over it, as his metal hand brought the panties to his face, taking in your scent. “Fuck y/n..” he moaned picking up his pace. The video was now at the part where you subconsciously darted the tip of your tongue out, making Bucky imagine how delicious your mouth would feel around him, how you’d beg for him to cum on your face. He dreamed about it, seeing your beautiful face covered in string of his cum. “Daddyyy…give it to me please” he imagined your voice calling out. “Doll..im gonna cum” he growled licking the part where your juicy lower lips would be sitting in. His shot up into his chest, moaning out in pleasure at all thi, his hand now covered in cum. Usually people would feel guilt but not him. He felt everything but that. He loved this.

~~~fast forward to the Avengers coming back from the mission~~~

Bucky was the first one to get back, he just couldn’t wait any longer and as soon as it was complete he booked it to the compound. When he went to your room he noticed you weren’t there. He walked around a little more and there’s no sign of you anywhere. He wondered if you had gone back home, to the one outside of the compound. As he got himself ready he decided to go and look for you. His heart was pounding and he felt like something was off. When he got to your home, your car was parked outside and the light in your room was on. He felt himself calm down, knowing that you were safe. He decided to fuck it and go see what you were doing, he climbed up the side of your house and he opened the window, sliding inside. When he realized what he was looking at, he panicked. Racing to your side, he shook you violently, “Y/n!! Y/n wake up! Are you ok oh my god” he said eyes wide and full of fear. You were on the floor, in your bathrobe unconscious. Blood pooled under your head , body going cold as you had lost a lot of blood. Bucky quickly picked you up and raced you down the stairs, placing you gently in the car then racing to a nearby hospital.

When he pulled up he realized that he had to come up with a story, as to how he found you so he improvised. “Please someone help me! My wife has lost a lot of blood” he cried getting the attention of one of the nurses. As questions started flying to Bucky he made up everything on the spot, it was quite impressive. As you got placed on a gurney you were brought back into the hospital for emergency surgery. He had to fill out paperwork and he also falsified that too. He had you down as Mrs. y/f/n Barnes and he put your address instead of his. He was in there for a really long time, just waiting and waiting for an update. He eventually fell asleep on the chair. The surgery went well however there were some heart breaking news.

Bucky was woken up by the surgeon, shaking him lightly. “God I’m sorry it’s been a tough night. How is she?” He asked rubbing his face to try and wake himself. “You’ll be glad to know that your wife is out of danger. The surgery went really well, she should be ready to go home in a couple of weeks” he explained, to which Bucky smiled and patted his back, “thank you so much Doc, that’s amazing news” he said smiling but the doctor didn’t seem joyful, “Yes it is, but there is another thing too. You might want to sit” he warned sitting down himself, making Bucky furrow his eyebrows. “Due to the impact she won’t remember a lot of things, and that might include you and whoever is very close to her. Im so sorry” he repeated making Bucky really think about what that meant for him. When the doctor left him he got an idea, a diabolical idea that just made so much sense to him. Now that you didnt have much of your memories he would use that to his advantage. 

He was soon able to go and see you, asking the nurse to give the two of you some privacy. “My doll...how are feeling” he said siting by your side and taking your hand in his. “James?” you asked making his hear drop down to his stomach. No fucking way you remembered him. “Wait you remember me?” he asked curiously, “Not really but the nurse said my husband James was here and im assuming thats you?” you asked chuckling, feeling a bit delirious still. Bucky smiled as his body relaxed, taking your hand up to his lips where he kissed it lightly. “Yes my love, I’m your husband. I’m going to take care of you okay? I’m going to work hard for you to fall in love with me..again” he added that last part a little too fast. You had no recollection of who he was but he seemed so genuine, and the fact that he was here and no one else, made you feel good inside. He seemed familiar which is another thing that gave you the indication that he was someone you could trust.

Bucky had been preparing the house for your arrival, reorganizing everything. He also got rid of a lot of things that could potentially remind you of what you were doing before the accident. He told the Avengers that you had moved away as you had eloped with someone. At first they questioned him but he was an amazing liar, he even wrote a letter in your handwriting confirming this and said he found it in the conference room. The day you were supposed to go home he told Steve that he was moving away, thanking him for all his help. He used his mental state as an excuse to quit the Avengers, hoping they wouldn’t question any further.

~~Some weeks after~~~

As you recovered from surgery, you were making amazing progress, everything was now healed and seemed to be normal. You were even getting super close to Bucky with all the time he spent bringing you back to full recovery. He treated you like you were made out of glass, but being there in his arms was where you left the most safe so you didn’t mind. You fell in love with him, being so grateful that you had a husband that stuck with you through thick and thin. It felt like he was your soulmate. Bucky was over the moon with happiness, having you was the biggest most rewarding win he had ever experienced. It was all too perfect, but there was something missing. You two had not been intimate and it made Bucky crave you that much more.

Being that you were able to do a lot of things by yourself, you wanted to go out more. You had planned to go grocery shopping while Bucky was asleep so you could surprise him with a nice big breakfast. As you got yourself ready you headed into the kitchen, creating a list of everything you needed. “Why are you all dressed up? Where are you goin” you heard his raspy voice right behind you making you jolt. He was only wearing his boxers, his morning wood very apparent making you look away immediately “I-I didn’t even hear you get up Bucky! Well I was going to go run some errands to surprise you with breakfast in bed, but now that you’re up I’d love some company.” You smiled, trying to hide your red face. “My doll..sso sweet all the time” he said coming up from behind you, wrapping his arm around your waist, as he kissed your neck moaning, squeezing you into him. You shivered at his actions, trying to hold back your own moans.

“Bucky..please” you warned trying to step away, but his metal arm brought you back into him. “Please what doll…I really need you” he grunted while pulling your hips back into his hard on, his own grinding into your butt. “I’ve been so patient love. I deserve to fuck my beautiful wife” he voice dropping dangerously low. “But I need to go out! We can talk about this when I come back” you said finally breaking free. “I promise I’ll be back soon” you added while you grabbed the keys from the holder and started to walk out. Bucky grabbed your hand and turned you around, switching you places. “You can go out there y/n. It’s not safe for you” he warned blocking the door. “Stop..You’re making me mad. This is the 4th time you refuse to let me leave the house. I’m going so let me go” you demanded getting rid of your playful tone. “You better fix your fucking attitude. I’m just trying to protect you. You could have died y/n..do you not understand that. I could have lost you forever, ITS NOT SAFE” he yelled now loosing his temper.

“I can’t loose you baby…please..” he continued, hugging you now as your arms got trapped under him. “Come on..let’s go cuddle a bit. Who’s Daddy’s good Doll hm?” He whispered kissing your lips making you melt. As you kissed him back, he smiled proudly. You were so easy to control, it was such a turn on. Bucky quickly swept you off you feet, making you squeal and laugh. He brought you back into bed and placed you down softly, not wasting a second to undress you. Your hands flew to his, halting him . “What are you doing” you asked confused. “I want you love. Your husband need you” he said moving your hands from his, “But Bucky… We agreed we wouldn’t have sex until I felt comfortable” shuffling away from him. “I promise you’ll feel so good darling. Don’t you want to see how good I can please you?” He said climbing up to you, connecting his lips with yours

“Wait” you said before he pushed you down, removing your pants and top, leaving you in your undergarments. His metal hand found your clothed clit, rubbing circles into it, making you whimper, “I don’t think you mean that doll…you seem to quite enjoy it” he whispered kissing you again, this time shoving his tongue inside. “Bucky stop” you panted, trying to his hand. “I’m sorry princess, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time now. I need to feel my wife around me, be a good doll and take it” he growled sliding your panties down and unhooking your bra. He grabbed your hands and pinned them to the mattress as his hips pushed against your entrance, his big juicy cock penetrating you inch by inch. “Fuuck you’re so tight” he moaned into your mouth, catching every Moan and squeal that fell out. “Stop it hurtsss” you cried trying to move your hips away. Bucky snapped his hips inside you, making you scream as it burned you. “Shut up y/n..I’ve been so good to you, I take care of you and love you. Let me claim this pussy once and for all” he said moving his hips in and out of you. Your cunt was throbbing at the feeling of him pounding into you, but it felt so good. Your cries soon died down, as pleasure started to take over your body making you close your eyes and moan.

Bucky released your hands pleased with your reaction. He grabbed your face forcing you to look at him, “see how good Daddy feels inside? I want you to look at me when you cum. Only I can make you feel like this way y/n. You belong to me” he said releasing your face, and moving his hand down to your clit, playing with you viciously making your toes curl. He hammered into you, bragging into the headboard for support, he looked so sexy above you, he was so lost in the feeling and you could tell “I-I’m so close” you warned making him close his eyes trying to not cum until you finished first. “Do it princess..cum all over my dick. Be a messy slut for Daddy” he said pushing you over the edge with his words, making you arch your back as your orgasmed. With a few more pumps he came inside you, his dick twitching as he filled you up, moaning. He pulled out and laid next to you, trying to catch his breath as you did the same, feeling so sensitive. Bucky propped himself up with his arm and gave you a soft kiss, “I knew you were ready my love, you just needed a little push. But don’t get too comfortable my wife…I know we got a few more rounds in us”

[nsfwshiggy]

taste

_______________________________________________

paring: keigo (hawks) x fem!reader

warnings: 18+, slight public sex, handjob, under the table, having to keep quiet, orgasm denial, sub/dom kinda(?), dumbification, noncon/dubcon, unprotected vaginal sex

word count: 2k

author's note: this is slightly based off an nsfw audio i listened to a few months ago but it is not fully like it. i cant remember the person who made it but all credit ideas go to him. i wrote this while watching minecraft videos lol please enjoy! comments and constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged!

_______________________________________________

this wasn't the first time you had brought your boyfriend over to your parents house but every time he was over, you loved to push him more and more. you wanted to see how far you could tease him in front of your parents.

the first time you kissed him way too many times in front of your parents. the second time you purposely wore a low-cut dress that was way too short and then made sure to sit on his lap every chance you got. and tonight, would be the third time and you really wanted to push his limits. he was really easy.

"please come in. we were all waiting for you at the dinner table." your mom says when she answered the door. he was late like normal. you followed him with your eyes until he sat next to you and whispered something in your ear, "did you really have to wear something like that again?"

all you could do was laugh while he spoke to the rest of your family and apologized for being late. you patted his thigh but that was all you did for now. it was only the beginning of the game you were about to play. an extremely dangerous game. "shall we just begin dinner?" you ask while looking around the table. you wanted to start already but you needed everyone focused on other things.

your mother smiled at you and passed around the food so everyone could get some on their plates while they continued to talk amongst themselves about nothing important. so far so good.

you were glad that keigo sat on your right side because that was your dominate hand so this could easily be done and it could go smoothly only if your lovely boyfriend followed along. you slowly moved your hand to rest on top of his thigh that was resting against yours. you started to rub little circles on the inside of his thigh and then slowly started to climb up his thigh with your finger, softly almost too softly because keigo could barely feel a thing until you rubbed against his crotch.

you ran your fingernail along his zipper, up and down putting slight pressure every time. you finally got a reaction out of him even if it was a slight hitch of his breath. out of the corner of your eye you could see him looking at you, but you carried on talking with your mother that was sitting across from you.

you hear him start talking with your father and brother as if nothing even happened. you could feel the outline of his dick through is pants so you traced it with a single finger before you slowly unzipped his zipper. it was honestly hard to do this with one hand and in the position, you were in.

you whispered into keigo's ear, "be a good boy" while running your tongue against his ear ever so slightly. the next obstacle was his jean button, you needed both hands for that. "why don't you unbutton your pants for me?" you ask him while leaning over to him pretending to pick something up off the floor. keigo was good at following directions so he did what he was told.

you look down at your lap and then looked over to his lap, you could see that he was slightly hard under his boxers and because his pants were undone his dick was nearly falling out. you left him alone for a few minutes and let him become even more needy. you felt his hand land on your unclothed thigh, and you laugh, like your brother had said something funny but you were really laughing at him, grabbing his hand and putting it back on his own lap. you shake your head in response to this. this was your game, and you were the leader.

another 5 minutes had passed, and you still hadn't touched him. but with just him sitting there with his dick halfway out made him fully erect because he could easily be caught by his girlfriend’s family and he would have no idea what to do. this was turning him on so much - the thrill of not knowing if he'll get caught was something that he loved. he could feel your hand squeeze his leg once again - finally. he needed release.

like a little person walking up his leg your two fingers slowly climbed his leg reaching his aching dick. you use one of your fingers to pull down his boxers letting him be fully exposed. the cool air quickly found his hot flesh which made him shiver needing you to hurry and touch him. you took him by surprise and fully grabbed his dick in your hand and started to pump up and down. you could hear him coughing to cover up his moans and you feel him move his arm on to the top of your chair slightly moving closer to you. while doing this you both were having full conversations with your family members.

to tease him again you let him go again but since his little friend was so hard, he was standing up straight, you were almost positive you could see the tip of it over the table. you wore a short dress and no panties for a reason, you moved your hand onto your lap and spread your legs apart. just from teasing him you were already wet, and you were sure if you had to stand up right now there would be a wet spot on your chair.

you ran your hand up your wet slit collecting your wetness so you could use it to make his dick wet. almost like giving him a blowjob but without your mouth. he couldn't see what you were doing and that was a good thing. you moved your hand back over to his dick, you could tell this caught him by surprise by the way he gasped which then he tried to cover with another cough. you didn't know if it was from the wetness or just because you were touching him again but you didn't care, you loved getting reactions out of him.

he looked at you confused because your hand was wet now without even getting it wet from your mouth. you looked back at him and winked - almost telling him that the wetness was from your pussy. he got the hint you continued to move your hand up and down and sometimes rubbing your thumb over the slit gathering the precum that was leaking out.

you didn't know what you were gonna do when he fully came because usually when keigo cums it's a lot and it shoots out sometimes going everywhere. you knew he was close now by how hard he was squeezing your shoulder. and then you thought of something - don't let him finish. you laughed at yourself for thinking something so evil but you wanted him to punish you later for it so you picked up your pace.

his fingernails were now digging into your skin and he was breathing was heavy now. he was almost there. he slumped down into his chair with his legs spreading outwards, so close. you looked over to him and smiled sweetly before letting him go. while looking into his eyes you could see the light going out. his orgasm never reaching the breaking point. he was mad you could tell just by looking at him. all you did was smile at him before whispering into his ear, "looks like i've been a bad girl, who needs to be punished."

dinner was finished now and keigo had tucked his dick away back into his pants - still painfully hard. you ask your parents if they needed help with the dishes but keigo was already trying to pull you away. "no it's okay sweetie. i have to get dessert ready so you both go wait in the living room" your mom says. you smile at her and turn away keigo following behind you.

you turn around and look at him with puppy dog eyes, "keigo" you moan to him. he was aggravated with you but you could careless. "do you want to punish me.." you say into one ear, "i've been a very bad girl" you tell him in the other ear. he smiles at you before dragging you into your bedroom. you yell to your parents in the kitchen that you needed to show keigo something in your room and that you both would be back soon.

before you could even close the door keigo was pushing up your dress. you could feel the tip of his dick rubbing against your slit. "w-wait let me at least close the door first" you say looking back at him before closing and locking the door. he pushed you onto the bed and makes you get on all fours. once again he is pushing up your dress and slapping his dick along the slit of your pussy.

"are you going to fuck me or what?" you ask him impatiently. you could hear him laugh at you, "now now now don't be so impatient" he tells you before slamming into you. it was tight but it didn't hurt at all. it felt incredible every time he would thrust into you. he was being so forceful that the bed frame was hitting the wall and making a loud noise every time it collided.

you were feeling so good that you didn't care about the noise. keigo pushed your head down into the pillows making his dick go deeper inside of you pushing against the sweet spongy spot deep inside you. he knew how to fuck you right and you never had to tell him where you liked it. "fuck keigo please" you moan loudly. you had to stick your fingers in your mouth with how loud you were being.

you were being fucked so good that your eyes were going crosseyed, "oh look at my pretty baby being fucked stupid" you hear your boyfriend say to you while slapping your ass making it sting. because of the bed frame hitting the wall you could barely hear your mother knocking on the door telling you that the dessert was ready.

you could hear keigo tell her something but you were so far gone that you couldn't make out anything he had said. keigo was close to cumming and had told you that he was cumming inside of you, you didn't care. you loved when he used your body like this. being fucking stupid was your favorite thing he could do to you. you feel him fill you up with his hot seed before pulling out leaving you on the bed shaking.

you hear him going through some of your drawers before pulling out panties and throwing them at you. "put these on. for punishment you have to hold my cum inside of you while we go have dessert" he says before cleaning himself up and walking out of the room not helping you or letting you cum.

©️nsfwshiggy

[natromanxoff]

Queen live at The Forum in Inglewood, CA, USA - September 15, 1982

Photos supplied by: Bill Cordero

(x)

This is the final concert Queen would ever play in North America. The tour was ultimately not nearly as successful as previous outings. Four nights at the LA Forum had become two. In a 1999 interview with Mojo magazine Roger Taylor recalled, "I remember suddenly realising that we weren't packing them in quite as much as we used to."

According to this review, Staying Power was played on the last night.

Billy Squier, who has opened for Queen at every show on this tour, joins them in the encore during a one-off version of Jailhouse Rock, adding vocals. Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting is also played before Bohemian Rhapsody for the last night's sake.

A bit of video from this show exists. The band are seen going through the corridor to the stage to begin the concert, and Michael Jackson is with them (thanks to Julien Cohen for the link).

Currently, recordings commonly labelled as being from one or both of these Los Angeles dates are from one of the umpteen bootlegs of the Fukuoka '82 shows. Genuine audience tapes and even an 8mm film are rumoured to exist (most likely due to the historic nature of this show), but have never been confirmed.

The concert pictures, snapped by Robert Matheu, are from Phil Sutcliffe's excellent book, The Ultimate Illustrated History of the Crown Kings of Rock.

Here are a few more pro pics: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Reflecting on this tour, Squier had some kind things to say about Freddie Mercury. "He loved to perform. I think all the words about how great a performer he was have been used up. I just used to stand and watch him every night thinking, 'How do you do that? Just how do you get away with it?' It was the onstage Freddie that was most fearless. He believed in what he and the band were doing so much. He never projected the slightest fear or self-doubt and that just swept the audience along with him. He just knew that the show was going to work. He was made for the stage. His sense of theatricality was the key, and it was a key which so very few other rock performers have at their disposal."

About a week after this show, Brian May was interviewed for the January 1983 issue of Guitar Player magazine. Here are some excerpts:

"We used to do the song 'Son and Daughter' on stage, and the solo section in the middle of that became what was in 'Brighton Rock'. After 'Brighton Rock' was recorded, that solo evolved a lot more. One facet of it was the way it is on the live album, but it's changed a lot since then. Sometimes we've dropped it because I felt I got stale. I don't like to do exactly the same thing two nights running. That should be a time when you can do something different. Now we don't do "Brighton Rock" anymore, so it's gone full circle. In the beginning, the solo was there and the song was around it. And now the song's gone and the solo's there.

"It's just a delay machine set on one delay rather than a multiple, so it's not a sort of echo effect. It's one line coming back at you. I have two delay machines, so I can do three-part harmonies with that: I can play alone - maybe two or three notes - and then it comes back and I can play along with it. And then it comes back again and there are three parts. The delays are mostly about one and a half seconds. A lot of things can happen: You can play in synch with what comes back and make the harmonies, or you can play chords and then single notes on top to get a playing-in-rhythm effect. You can also do various kind of counterpoints. Sometimes they work. It all depends on whether I can hear myself well. If it's a good night and I can really hear well, I can do things that demand very close timing. On this tour I've been experimenting with steps which are not exactly on the beat: so when it comes back at you, they are in a different place each time. I found I could do all sorts of strange things with that, just making them mesh in a different way.

"I've thought it was obsolete many times. We've thrown it out. We haven't done it every night on this tour. But somehow it seems to creep back in there. It's weird. I did it for years, and nobody would talk about it. And then when I threw it out, people said, "Hey! How could you do that?" On this tour we did some special things with the lights. We had t hose pods which can fly about, and I used to do a little battle with those. That gave it a new lease on life. People would tend to notice that. As opposed to not saying anything, they would say, "I like the lights in the solo [laughs]." I've found that people seem to appreciate long solos more on this tour than they did before. I think a lot of people thought our material was veering too far away from the heavy side, and they thought the solo stuff redressed the balance to a certain extent.

"I didn't feel that this tour was making me very happy. I've often felt that in the studio, but that's the first time I felt it on tour. I didn't feel happy until the last concert. The last night in L.A. I felt quite cheered up. I was prepared to think, "Well, I don't really want to do this anymore." Somehow when it got to the last one, Freddie was really on form and giving a million precent, and I felt that it was going well. So the end of the tour finished on a good note for me. I felt like I did want to be out there doing it again sometime. But we are going to have a long rest." [Of course, after the six shows in Japan next month.]

Back in 1977 Brian was quoted saying, "We've always thought it was wrong to regard a tour purely as a promotional exercise, because some people have done that, and gone out and slogged away at the hits and the new album, and I don't think that makes for good touring." Maybe that's at least partly the reason why he didn't enjoy himself this time around.

(x)

[meimae]

Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says. 

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal! 

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not? 

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to. 

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry. 

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success. 

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime 

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion. 

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles. 

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation. 

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know. 

_

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys. 

See you on my next post!

[emily-the-fae]

Sound of a Heartbeat

Part 5. Walking makes the road

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 6

Unbelievable, but I'm finally back with a new chapter. I've been going through a lot of stuff with my studies and personal life for the past month and here it comes. Finally done with the editing. Most definitely not the best chapter in the story, but it has to be here to keep the storyline together and moving. Anyways, enjoy. Like and comment if you do, I'm very happy to receive feedback.

PS Dracula back to the story soon:)

I still have no beta and English isn't my mothertongue.

Pairing: Dracula X OC

Warnings: probably none, skeletons on sticks...the usual stuff

Wandering into the lands ruled over by darkness itself has never been pleasant.

The next morning was freezing cold, just as the passing night - no warmth was brought by the little sunlight that came - and upon waking up Shari briefly wondered how she wasn't dead of the cold yet. Her mornings were something like crawling out of a tomb every time - the kind she imagined when she heard the stories of vampires awakening, though no doubt they must have still felt better than she did. Those bastards.

Morning light was dim and weak, there were torn scraps of greyish mist laying low above the ground and the forest was eerily quiet. Shari knew the sun had to be very low, but nevertheless up, which meant that she had to be on the move already, and yet she couldn’t force herself to move a single inch, as if the forces of the castle were sensing her approach and weakening her on purpose.

She hadn't entered any towns - in fact, hadn't seen any in the previous eight hours or so of her walking the day before - and though her food supplies weren't awfully low, her health seemed to be protesting and weakening at hourly rate, demanding normal human conditions and rest. She needed warmth and a bed, and she was sure as hell that where she was heading she would either get those only already in Dracula's den, or won't get it at all.

- So? Are you up? Heading? The faster you rise, the faster we'll be there, - Shari sat back against the tree trunk, taking a gulp of cold water from her flask - she wouldn't mind Trevor's whiskey right now, but the hunter took it all with him; Rodo was seemingly relieved that he was free of his duty of being her personal heater, he jumped up and ran around the forest opening, stretching his stiff muscles. At least someone had energy left.

- You know I'm really beginning to hate you now... - she yawned.

- I believe you have already mentioned that.

- Not enough, apparently.

- Oh, come on, you like my company. Besides I'm the only one helping you so hey...

- Ok, ok can I get my food at least?

- You can eat on the go! Come on! - she whistled for Rodo even though she knew he couldn't hear her. Shari stood up purposefully slowly and made the first hesitant steps to follow her guide. Oh where were those wonderful times when she could stay in bed almost all day if she was feeling under the weather? She could kill for such a possibility at the given moment. There was a screech of another winged demon somewhere in the distance, Shari shuddered, brought out of her thoughts and Rodo turned his head briefly, seemingly considering whether he should bolt to search for the other creature, but quickly averted his muzzle from the direction and followed Shari, jumping from tree to ground and back up.

It was going to be a long day.

- Did you walk the same way? First time you found his castle? - the scenery about them was dreadful to say the very least. The forest was greyer now, less green, less alive than on the route before. The few small villages they passed were seemingly abandoned completely for decades if not centuries and Shari felt rather than acknowledged that the farther she went, the worse it would become.

- Not quite, - Lisa replied, her voice all too lively for a ghost. - The direction I came from was a bit more disturbing than here, - Shari briefly wondered how that should have looked, if this desolation seemed lively in comparison. - And I also went alone you know, so...

- Oh, yes, thank you, my wise guide for leading my way... Probably to the dinner table of a very aggressive vampire, - Shari bowed mockingly, then coughed again, swallowing the blood the pooled to her mouth.

- Calm down. There won't be anyone there, I'm quite sure.

- A-ha! So now you are "quite" sure!?

- Don't be mean, I'm trying to save your life here.

- Exactly me for some reason, - Shari snorted sarcastically.

- For the same reasons you helped Adrian. Because I can't just walk past... and because I feel rather than know that helping you is more than just helping one particular person. Just like you felt about him - didn't you?

That shut the girl up for considerable time.

They walked all day long only making one small stop to rest during - at least what was supposed to be - midday (it was very hard to understand where the sun was behind the treetops, clouds and fog). Shari coughed up blood and swore like a sailor, but Lisa only let her sit down long enough to gulp down some food. If she wasn’t killed by some night creature, she would sure as hell be tired to death with such a guide pushing her to the limit. It was visible how the closeness of their destination made the ghost more and more agitated.

The dawn was already close and Shari was ready to give up the hopes of getting to her goal on that day - ever, to be honest, judging by the condition of her lungs – her body desperately wanted her to drop down and call it a night. The forest around them was dreary and dense, the mist had never lessened since morning; Shari was cold, slightly wet and unbearably tired and even Rodo seemed to lose some of his enthusiasm, even though the darkness should have empowered him. Maybe being around humans rubbed off on the creature a little.

- Shush, - Lisa turned to Shari as they walked on, gesturing for her to cut her whining and keep quiet. Shari stopped abruptly looking around in alert, trying to see through at least some reasonable distance between the tree trunks. Finally she understood what picked her companion’s attention: clearing began to be noticeable before them - it seemed that the woods were all of a sudden coming to their edge.

They carried on walking in silence for a few more minutes until they finally reached the end of the trees – the edge of the forest. The final border between the darkness of Dracula’s lands and the normal world. Shari gasped in surprise and horror: in front of her was a few feet sandy drop covered here and there in greyish grass that led to a whole field, dry and dead in dim yellow lights with no snow upon it, weak bushes appearing here and there. It seemed that the mere presence of the undead somewhere nearby sucked the life out of the lands. Peculiar graveyard formation occupied a part of the land - human skeletons hanging on tall sticks, all in varying poses, as if frozen in their deadly agony, dried with ages and falling apart. Whatever happened there, it was nothing good. If this was what the owner of the lands decided to expose to lone travelers, it was quite obvious there would be no “welcome” shield ahead.

There was no visible end to the field, at least the reddish mist coloured by the light of the setting sun made it impossible to see far in the distance. Shari coughed, dusty air tickling her throat, and looked back to the ghost in confusion. Was this what they had searched for?

- Are you sure this is…?

- My reaction precisely when I first saw this place, - Lisa was amused, watching the healer's fearful face. - Come on, we're almost there now.

- Wait! What, there? To those? - she gestured actively to the mass of aged corpses, but Lisa payed no attention to her reaction. - Lord, why do I always get myself into the deepest trouble I can find? Could've stayed somewhere safe and warm, healed a bit, but no-o I had to be right here, torn apart by bats and hell-knows-what-else-inhabits-this-place, - Shari mumbled to herself as they descended into the valley, her feet slipping upon rocks and sliding on the unsolid sandy ground.

- Oh, come on, it's not as scary here. You’ve surely seen worse - Lisa replied, - they were walking deeper into the field, navigating their way between the mutilated skeletons, as the reddish-grey twilight around them was darkening minute by minute.

- Maybe. Doesn’t mean I want to see more.

Just as the words left her mouth, there was a blood-chilling howl somewhere in the distance and a horde of great black bats, apparently awoken by the sound, appeared out of nowhere, flapping their wings above their heads rapidly; Shari yelled and dipped down in fear. Rodo on the contrary jumped up from behind her back, trying to reach the annoying loud things and succeeding in catching one of the creatures between his sharp fangs. Shari only crouched down lower, as she heard the struggles of the defeated being next to her ear. Then a snap - the animal stopped moving, as Rodo tightened his jaws, probably breaking the thing's stamina. Just as abrupt as it began, the flapping of the bats above her stopped too.

- Lisa? Are-are they gone? - her voice was slightly shaking, she awaited the dreadful howl to repeat even closer.

- Shari, stand up! Shari! - she heard Lisa's voice coming from behind her back and turned around, her eyes searching for the ghost, as she realized that Lisa has moved much further away than she expected. Shari was on her feet in an instant, finally noticing what stood behind the ghost's transparent form, her mouth fell agape at what she could see before her now.

A wide set of steps that led to doors so tall that she felt her head spin even looking up at it - the dark stone walls went up and disappeared in the low greyish mist. Her ghost companion was at the top of the steps already and Rodo was gladly running up to the doors, apparently recognizing the smell of his own home of some time ago. Shari followed behind him hesitantly, looking around for any sign of movement.

- Come on, don't be shy, - Lisa cooed, as if luring in a small child. Her greyish form paused on one spot, waiting for Shari by the door. The girl looked around one more time as she joined the ghost on the final steps,

- Are you... Sure? This doesn't look completely abandoned. I mean, can you be sure he isn't home? That he won't be back soon? Clearly you can’t, why am I even asking… This was a terrible idea straight from the beginning, - she was visibly shacking, clenching and unclenching her fists, stepping from one foot to the other. The whole journey suddenly felt like a big mistake that could still be possibly abandoned if she did not take the final leap. Shari put her hand on the door handle then pulled away in fear. She took a deep breath, putting her palm back more steadily on the door, but was still hesitant to push it open. She paused. There was once again the dreadful howl from before, now closer to them, the creature producing it still not visible. They were standing in almost complete darkness.

- Go! - Lisa pressed.

Rodo leaped on spot beside them.

Shari held her breath – and finally pushed the handle and jumped inside, scared to even look in forward and terrified of what was awaiting behind, diving head-first into unknown - if he is there, let it be, she'd rather be torn apart by him than by whatever thing outside that let out those blood-freezing sounds; Rodo slid in too, in a ghastly manner, his massive form unnaturally smoothly squeezing through the small gap in the doorway and the next moment the door was shut behind her with a loud blow. She was finally inside Dracula's castle.

[devinescribe]

Knowing You Again

Chapter 6 of '100 Promises'

Chapter 5 | Chapter 7

Warnings: Swearing, bullying, I think that's it, let me know if I missed any

"Wow this place is amazing! So many games!" You awed, amazed by the amount of games and the lights. "Yeah, it's not anything like the one I went to on break, but since I can't take you there yet, I thought here would be good," he explained. "Thank you!" You exclaimed, hugging him and jumping up and down. He laughed, "Ok, ok. Calm down! What game do you want to play first?" You looked around, seeing all the different games, the people rushing from the machines and back. And you saw one that wasn't being used. You lead him over to it. "This one?" You asked. He nodded, and you two began on the game.

You walked into the grand lobby of the hotel, and sat on one of the waiting chairs. You watched in curiosity as people filed in their groups, cheering and laughing. Even if they'd lost a member, they were happy to be alive. A relief that it wasn't them. Maybe it was that everyone here had begun to accept their new reality. It made you smile in the slightest, that not all the people here were weak and useless. "Hey there new girl," someone said from besides you. "Hi Chishiya," you greeted without even turning to look besides you. "Hm? Attentive," he said. You didn't have to look to know he was smirking. "No, your voice is just very distinctive. It's soft, but also a very condescending undertone in it. Give people the illusion you know more than them," you stated, finally looking at him. "The hell did you study in college?" He asked with a laugh. "Major in forensics, minor in psychology. I'm pretty good at psychological mind fucking," you stated. He smiled, looking up. "Mind fucking? That's how I know you're friends with that idiot," he said. "Idiot? Niragi? No way. He studied game programming and engineering, and is 20 times smarter than anyone I've ever met," you said, surprised anyone could call him an idiot. How much did he change in the borderlands? Even then, his intelligence wouldn't have faded. So what did he do? "Hmm... maybe I'll change your opinion. You haven't met someone like me before," he said, looking at you. His eyes stared back into your own. It was like he was seeing into your soul, trying to really read into you. "I like a challenge. Impress me," you stated, a smirk playing on your lips. "Will do. Your friend is up on the roof for his patrol. I'll see you later at the pool. Kuina is quite fond of you. You two get along well," Chishiya said, walking off. You stood up, walking over to the grand stair case.

"I haven't slept in 4 days... gods help me," you groaned, running your hands up through your hair, it getting stuck from the knots. "Fuck me... SUGU! ARE YOU ALIVE?" you yelled. You heard a groan in response. He came out of his room, his hair sticking up every which way, his glasses were crooked on his face, and there were dark eyebags under his eyes. "I think... I think I'm alive..." he said. He was almost falling asleep standing up. "You need to take a nap," you suggested, standing up and walking over to him, yawning and rubbing your eyes. "No, I need to finish my project, you need a nap," he said, as you fixed his glasses. He could see that you were also running on no sleep. The dark eyebags under your eyes, your messed up tangled hair. It was different to say the least. You always looked nice, but college said no, please fuck up your sleep schedule to get this project done for me. Oh, and it a worth 75% of your grade! He hated school, but enjoyed what he was studying. Your projects took longer, and we're a bit gross at times, seeing as you had to take both forensics and psychology classes. "How about coffee instead then? I have a project to finish too..." you said, combing his hair out with your fingers, making it lay flat once more. "That sounds nice..." he muttered, the sensation of you playing with his hair almost making him fall asleep on the spot. "Yeah, I don't think you drinking that many energy drinks is healthy. Or not sleeping for four days. Let me get dressed, fix my hair, and we can head out, yeah?" You scolded at first, softening your tone.

"You look like shit," he insulted as you two walked to a coffee shop. "You're one to talk. When was the last time you washed your hair? Who are you, Snape?" You joked back, knowing his hatred for the character. 'He treated a kid like absolute shit because the kid's dad used to bully him in school. Oh, and his obsession with a girl who just saw him as a friend, but we're not going to talk about it.' He always said that when you asked him about why he hated Snape. It was funny to you because you had never met someone besides yourself that had that much genuine hatred towards a fictional character. "Ew, compare to anyone but him. Anyone," he said, genuinely grossed out by the fact you'd compared him to that character. "You really should take care of yourself more though. I need you to last me my whole life dude," you said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Mhm, if I remember correctly, promise 40 was if we were still 28 and we were single, we'd marry each other," he chuckled. You laughed. "Well, yeah. We keep our promises, you got that?" You said, punching his shoulder. "Ow, what was that for!" He whined, laughing. "I don't know. I don't want to go back to that apartment. I need to stay out of that, school is just... taking a toll on me. When we finish school and get jobs, I hope it's easier... Let's go on an adventure today," you said, leaning onto him. He thought for a bit. His project was almost done, and it was due in three days. He was running on no sleep, 5 energy drinks a day, and the occasional coffee you brought him.. Taking time off for you was worth it. He could finish the project tomorrow. You were worth that and more to him. "Sure what kind of adventure?"

"A little birdie told me you'd be up here," you said once you had opened the door to the roof. He turned around, facing you. "Really? Let me guess, Chishiya?" He stated. . He had his gun slung over his shoulder, and looked around boredly. You nodded. "How was your game?" You asked, going over, and sitting on the edge of the roof. He went over, sitting by you. "It went great. I'm alive, aren't I?" He stated sarcastically. You sighed, seeing as you were right. You had sensed it last night, but now it was more obvious. The games had changed him. For better or worse, you didn't know yet. "Mmm... and are the games any way to treat me differently? Because I'll hit you right now if you say yes," you threatened, glaring at him. He noticed your anger, but he guessed it could also be sadness. He'd left you alone for... how long had you said? 6 months? He didn't remember being gone for that long. Maybe time ran differently in the Borderlands than it did in the real world?

"No, it's not. Just know that I'm not going to act the same around you. I have a reputation here," he said, staring out. A light breeze brushed across the roof. A reputation? Well, you had noticed not many people coming up to talk to you all day. You heard whispers of 'that's the girl Niragi brought in. We should stay away from her.' So you assumed people feared Niragi. But you were curious. You know what they say, Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. "Tell me about it then. Tell me everything that's happened. All the good, all the bad, I want to know. So spill," you said. He sighed. He didn't want to tell you. A part of him was confused about it. He wasn't proud of the things he did, but on the other hand, he wasn't ashamed of them. The only thing stopping him was the fact that you were the only person who's opinion he cared about. The only person he had his whole life who cared about him the way he cared about them. You were the only reason he wasn't completely alone. "You want to know? Why?" He asked, putting up a defensive front. You shook your head, noticing it almost immediately. He had built walls in the games, you could tell. But that wasn't going to stop you. "Because you're my best friend,and I thought you had died. Because I want to know what you've been doing here? How'd you get such a high rank? When did you learn how to shoot? What's your specialty of the card games? Is it fun? Have you killed anyone?" You asked, going off on a small tangent. "Ok... let's do this. I've been playing the games, I got a high rank by playing the games, learned how to shoot here in the borderlands, surprisingly enough it's almost like shooting in a video game, my specialty are diamond games, yes it's extreme fun, and yes I have," he answered. You nodded, leaning your head on his shoulder. You had a suspicion there was worse he'd done, but you didn't want to know. He could keep it to himself until he felt comfortable to tell you. It felt like before, in a way... When you two would sit on the roof of some apartment complex down the street and watch the stars. Where your worries would go away, and you didn't have to worry about being the perfect daughter or the bullies. You were just (Y/N) and Niragi, the two kids. Because that's what you had been. Kids. When everything happened, you were kids. No kids should have been treated like how you two had been treated.

''I can't believe they broke your glasses," you muttered under your breath, brushing his hair out of his face. His bullies had gotten him while you were cleaning the classroom after class. He waited outside, but they decided to rough him up. The had beaten him up pretty badly. You had cleaned up the cuts and blood as much as you could, but it didn't change the fact his glasses were broken."It's fine..." he said, not wanting to look you in the eyes. "It's not fine, Sugu. You need your glasses, and glasses are expensive. Plus your dad..." you trailed off, seeing his hands beginning to shake. "Don't remind me..." he whispered. You hugged him, and whispered back, "You'll be ok. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, (N/N)."

"But I have to. Promise 1, we promise to keep each other safe, remember?"

He sighed, and nodded. You were scared for him. You knew somehow, you'd get roped into it. You looked up at him, seeing him pick at the cement on the roof. "Eventually... we're going to have to go back. We can't stay here the whole night," he said. You frowned. "I don't want to go back. We should run away. Just the two off us."

"(L/N)?" Someone called out from behind you two. You turned to face the person. It was Ann. "Hatter would like to see you... Alone."

[ladypaulsvn]

Yours, Mine, Ours

Billie x Reader x Cordelia

Word Count: 1,974

Part 5/?

Read part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4

a/n: SO sorry it took me forever and a day to update this fic, i hope y’all enjoy this chapter <3

Summary: You’ve decided to spend some time with Billie and the two of you spend the day gardening as Cordelia gets lost in her head over her past decisions.

If you were honest, it wasn't the easiest thing, trusting someone again. Cordelia had known your past. She had mended your broken heart and broken mind. She knew of your struggles and the hardships you went through to get where you were today.

She knew of your separation anxiety, depression, all of your trauma. You entrusted Cordelia with the thing most sacred to you, your mind.

Cordelia knew all of this, yet she still went against her words. Her words of never leaving your side. Her words of helping you through the good and the bad. Her words of never treating you like the people of your past did.

Cordelia betrayed you and your trust, then to top it off, broke up with you before you had the chance to do it yourself.

Truthfully, Cordelia regretted her decisions. She never meant to hurt you. Especially in the way she now knew she had.

Cordelia sat in her office, working on a set of notes for a potions class she had to teach later this week as a knock came to her door.

"Ms. Cordelia?" The door swung open and Zoe rushed inside, jumping out of fright when Cordelia shut the door behind her.

"What's wrong Zoe?" Cordelia asked as Zoe carefully made her way to her desk. "Nothings wrong... per say." Zoe rocked on her heels as she stood in front of Cordelia.

Cordelia was seated at her desk, hands clasped in front of her on top of her open notebook, notes scrawled along the page. "What is it Zoe?"

"Y/n won't be here for a few days and I figured that I should tell you." Zoe vomited the words from her mouth as Cordelia's brow furrowed.

"Where is she going to be then?" Cordelia's thoughts were jumbled. "She said she was staying with a friend for a few days. Wouldn't tell me who." Zoe's breath was quick as she watched for Cordelia's reaction.

"A friend?" Cordelia spoke aloud, muttering so quietly Zoe almost didn't hear. "Yes, a friend. She assured me that she was okay. I just felt that you ought to know so you didn't worry when you realized she wasn't here." Zoe explained her actions, yet again.

"Thank you for telling me Zoe. I think you have a class to teach in a few minutes." Cordelia waved her away and Zoe bolted from her office. Cordelia was truly terrifying sometimes.

Cordelia sighed. She knew you were with Billie. It's not like she could do anything. She was the one who broke up with you!

Still, her heart ached at the thought of someone else caring for you, getting every moment of your time. To say she regretted her decisions the past few months would be an understatement. She wished she could turn back time and start again.

***

You woke the next morning to an empty bed and one too many notifications from Cordelia on your phone.

You really didn't want talk to Cordelia. You had a wonderful night with Billie and she made you feel a lot better.

You wondered where she went. Maybe she had a shoot today? She would've told you.

You got up and walked down the stairs, looking for Billie in the different rooms of her house until you found her, still in her pajamas, sitting at the kitchen counter.

She had a cup of what you presumed was coffee in her hand and a newspaper in the other. 'Of course she reads the newspaper' you thought.

"Billie?" She jumped at the sound of your voice but soon a soft smile played on her lips as she beckoned you towards her. "Good morning doll, how'd you sleep?"

You padded your way over to her, sitting on the stool next to her and resting your head on her shoulder. "I slept okay. Thank you for letting me stay with you."

"You're welcome sweetheart. I was thinking about what we could do today, and since you told me you're a green witch and all, I thought maybe we could go out to my garden? It's a little worse for wear as i've been filming and I don't exactly have the most green thumb." She laughed as she held out her thumb.

You bit your lip to stifle your laughter. "I'd love to help you with your garden, Billie." You kept your head rested on her shoulder as she drank the rest of her coffee and read more of the newspaper.

You had nearly fallen back asleep when Billie spoke again "Darling? Why don't we go get dressed in something garden appropriate and head outside?" You lifted your head from her shoulder and nodded, sliding off the stool.

***

You had half-hazardously packed your bags when you left Robichaux's yesterday, so Billie had to lend you a pair of shorts. You'd be lying if you said it didn't make you feel some sorta way to wear Billie's clothing. To feel like you were properly "hers".

You just hoped that Billie would continue lending you her clothes to wear throughout the rest of your visit so you didn't need to go back to the academy before really going back, which you knew you had to eventually.

You almost dreaded going back if you were honest. You'd only been with Billie a day and a half now but god was it the best day and half you'd had lately.

You met Billie outside at her small garden. It was nothing compared to the greenhouse at the academy (which was the only thing you seemed to miss) but you hoped you could give Billie a true hand.

She was bent down placing a flower into a pre dug hole, dirt covering her gloves. You were almost sad you couldn't see her pretty hands and nails anymore.

"Daisies?" You guessed, though you absolutely knew it was a daisy. Billie looked up at you, her sun hat creating a shadow on her face and her giant sunglasses covering the top portion. You wished you could see more of her face.

"Yes! I love daisies." She smiled as you before turning back to the soil and making sure the roots were properly covered. "I've got so many more to plant. Come help me?" She didn't look at you when she said this, she knew you'd help.

And you did. You rushed right over to the pile of potted daisies and miscellaneous flowers that sat next to the crouching woman and picked one up, snipping the plastic pot that surrounded it and peeling it off.

You went right to work as you crouched down next to her and dug a hole, putting the daisy bundle right into it and covering the roots back up as you'd done a million times at the academy.

You, Cordelia, and Misty had spent a whole day outside once, surrounding the academy with hundreds of flowers. You shook your head to rid the memory as you began digging another hole and planting another bundle of daisies.

You stayed out there with Billie for a couple hours, planting the rest of the flowers and fixing up the rest of her garden. Pulling weeds and watering everything nicely. She even dragged you to the shed and you both carried out some decorations she had stored, putting them up all around the garden.

You stood up after stabbing the last decorated stake into the ground and smiled up at Billie who was across the yard. "It looks marvelous!" She yelled to you with a smile and you threw both thumbs up before making your way over to her.

"Ready to go inside? We could both use a shower I think." She winked at you and smiled, a blush creeping onto your face as you nodded.

She grabbed your hand and pulled you into the house, hastily making her way up the stairs and into her bedroom. "Start the shower would you y/n?" She asked sweetly and you nodded, the tint of red still not having left your cheeks.

"I was thinking we could order a pizza after?" Billie yelled to you and you yelled back a resounding "Hell YES!" which made her laugh.

Billie had shown you how to use her shower the night before, as you found it rather confusing. That didn't change now however, as you completely forgot how it worked. You twisted the shower knobs, trying your best to get the temperature correct but whatever you did, it always seemed to be icy cold or scolding hot.

You touched the water again, pulling back with an "OUCH!" as it scolded you once again. "Forgot how already?" Billie hummed, a smirk playing on her face as you turned to her, embarrassed but nodding.

She had taken off all of her accessories at this point, no sun hat or sunglasses. Not even a pearl necklace or diamond earring in sight. Not a single silver ring and her shoes had been thrown to the side.

Her smirk turned into a look of false pity as she met you at the shower door, leaning in front of you and fixing the temperature. "Okay, test it now." She leaned back, waiting.

You looked at her but touched the water again, a perfect temperature. "Perfect." you smiled at her. "Thank you."

"No problem darling." She smiled. "You know.." she called to you as went to exit the bathroom to give her space. You quickly turned back to look at her. "Conserving water is one of many ways to save the planet." She smiled innocently at you and you quirked a brow in her direction.

"Care to join me? It's the least we could do to help the planet, right?" She just asked you to join her in the shower. Oh god. You looked at her hesitatingly but nodded, making her smile grow impossibly big as she motioned for you to come back her way.

You face had to be on fire at this point as you shut the door and made your way back over to her. Your face definitely wasn't getting any less red as she yanked you into her. A yelp left your lips as she planted a surprise kiss onto them and she pulled away with a smirk. "You're so cute when you blush."

***

Meanwhile on the other side of town, Cordelia was deep in her thoughts. She had been trying to convince herself not to drive to you and beg for your forgiveness. Especially considering the location you were at right now...

But her thoughts got the better of her as she informed Zoe she'd be "going out" and would be back later. Zoe gave her a worried look but nodded at Cordelia's instruction to "hold down the fort" while she was gone.

She quickly made her way outside to her car, pinging your phone for its location and then typing the address into her GPS. This was a little much, sure, but Cordelia had to fix this.

As she pulled into Billie's driveway, she noted the home seemed cozy and the small garden to the side seemed recently redone. She wondered if you had a hand in that renovation. You had the magic touch when it came to plants.

Cordelia parked and turned off her little black car before walking up to the front door and pushing the doorbell. She heard the doorbell ring throughout the house, then a familiar voice.

"The pizza's here already?!" Cordelia heard your voice from inside. The door swung open and there you were, hair wet and in a silk laden nightgown that obviously didn't belong to you and Cordelia assumed to be Billie's. A ping of jealously ran through her.

"Cordelia..."

tags: @poulengp @sarahsbabygurl @duchessfics @shineestark @grilledcheeseandguavajelly @lana-b-bana @chokemepaulson @nowthisislanabanana @make--your--life--spectacular @mistyyygoode @mssupremepaulson [comment to be added to the tag list <3]

[voidstilesplease]

By the Angel, TALK

Warning: THIS IS AN ANTI-CLARY AND JACE SPOILER RANT because I need an avenue to let out some of the steam I've been holding off since starting City of Fallen Angels. So PLEASE SKIP AHEAD because I don't want to burden you all with my reading woes.

This thing centers on the beginning of Chapter 9: From Fire Unto Fire and a little bit of Chapter 8. About eight pages of bad, bad romance set me off.

To start,

The rest is under the cut, so you can go away now.

So, what's been happening to Clary and Jace thus far?

This book introduced them now as an official couple, picking up from the end of TMI Book 3: City of Glass. I don't remember their every scene since then to the point in Chapter 9 where I stopped, but basically, they're having relationship issues early on. They're less than two months into their relationship, and the drama is too frickin much. 

Jace has these weird dreams about murdering Clary and waking up guilty about his subconscious thoughts, so he goes angsting about it and avoiding her, snapping at her, being a total dick, and still question why people think they are on the brink of a break-up. 

So, Jace goes with Simon in the next few scenes, in his plight to get away from her as far as possible, yet still be somehow close by being around Clary's best friend to "protect" him, so his distant behavior will be reasonable and forgivable. Yeah, make that make sense. 🙄 But of course, one way or another, they're going to have to get to the confrontation part (that I still wish had been equivalent to an actual break-up), and so that's when Chapter 8 & 9 enters.

Chapter 8: Walk in Darkness pp. 185-186

Almost instantly, the light went out of them, and the remaining color drained out of his face. "I thought --- Simon said you weren't coming." ¹

[...] "So you only came because you thought I wouldn't be here? [...] Were you ever planning on talking to me again? [...] If you're going to break it off, the least you could do is tell me, not just stop talking to me and leave me to figure it out on my own."

"Why does everyone keep goddamn asking me if I'm going to break up with you? [...]²

First, what an asshole?! 

[1] So Jace finally in-your-face's Clary and confirms that he has been keeping his distance like Clary has the plague. He then has the audacity to [2] be annoyed for being questioned on his intentions of keeping the relationship that he has been actively evading for days!

I get that Jace sucks in romantic relationships and has been fucked up by his daddy-issues, but he has the Lightwoods. Heck, Alec is his parabatai. He sees working relationships, so he has to have known that you don't just stop talking to people close to you and have them not question the behavior, whether you're trying to pull away from them or not. Otherwise, then Jace is dumb for all that he's marketed as the "best" Shadowhunter in his age. Screw that.

---

“You talked to Simon about us?" Clary shook her head. "Why? Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Because I can't talk to you," Jace said. "I can't talk to you, I can't be with you, I can't even look at you."³

[3] Way to make a girl feel special, Jace. Oh, no, yeah. He's trying to do the opposite and push her away with some teenage boy angst that doesn't make any sense. Like, who says that, though, aside from dramatic love interests that can't make a better excuse for going emo? 

That line IS TOO DRAMATIC that it hurts, ugh. 🤮

Anyway, so Clary walks out after that. I don't sympathize with her, but I'd do the same. Who wouldn't? Unless you freeze in the ridiculousness of the situation, that is, which is also likely.

Chapter 9: From Fire Unto Fire pp. 190-195

Now, here's the real shit. I want to quote this entire six-page scene back to Cassie and scream at her.

Clary reached the door and burst out into the rain-drenched evening air. [...] and was about to race across the street against the light when a hand caught her arm and spun her around.

It was Jace. [...] "Clary, didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Let go of me." Her voice shook.

"No. Not until you talk to me."⁴

[4] DUDE, what even happened to your I CAN'T TALK TO YOU, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU speech, huh? Be consistent for once, apart from your douchebag routine. Make up your mind, Jace.

---

Still holding her by the arm, he half-dragged her around the van and into a narrow alley that bordered the Alto Bar. ⁵

[5] Man, I love a bit of rough loving in my literature, but I'm so pissed at you, Jace, don't even. Lay the hell off.

---

"I was going to tell you that I was trying to help out Simon. [...]

"And you couldn't tell me? Couldn't text me a single line letting me know where you were?"⁶ [...]

[...]

"I think," he said slowly, "that I thought that the closest thing to being with you was being with Simon. Watching out for him. I had some stupid idea that you'd realize I was doing it for you and forgive me---"⁷

[6] Addressing the lack of communication, that's a great path to follow. These two need to talk so bad. [7] But this line? Sucks Balls. You could be with her, Jacey, and save all the readers your drama if you only pull your head out of your ass and try to communicate. It's like you're allergic to it.

---

She took a step back, blindly, and nearly tripped over an abandoned speaker. Her bag slid to the ground as she put her hand out to right herself, but Jace was already there. He moved forward to catch her, and kept moving until her back hit the alley wall, and his arms were around her, and he was kissing her frantically.⁸

[8] Not only is this achingly cheesy, but it's also totally not the way they should be going off about their situation. They were already talking -arguing, yes, but they're still using words to reach out, and their relationship absolutely cannot be healthy without them. Thus far, they have spoken so less in comparison with the times they've spent canoodling. They're not solving anything by having drama on one second and getting it on with dramatic kissing on the next.

I don't care what Clary says about being so lost in love with Jace. He's treating her like shit. The least he can do is give her answers that she has the right to demand from him. Kissing is not an answer. But, well, maybe to Clary, it is because the next parts from page 192 to 194 are spent on softcore porn in a dark alley under the frickin rain. I bet that's a very romantic setting in their minds, huh.

---

And now this part:

It was nerve-wracking. She could feel the feverish heat that came off him; her hands were still on his shoulders, but it wasn't enough. She wanted him wrapped around her, holding her tight. "W-why," she breathed. "can't you talk to me? Why can't you look at me?"

He ducked his head down to look into her face. His eyes, surrounded by lashes darkened with rainwater, were impossibly gold.

"Because I love you."⁹

[9] Is that supposed to make me tingle? SET ME ON FIRE, but that is the lousiest I love you in books that I have ever read. AND IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, at all!

Shut up with this, can you please. It's not romantic at all. It's a dumb excuse and an even dumber love from the two dumbest people in this whole frickin series. Oh my god.

Clary, realistically, will frown at this answer. She will pull the hell away and spat him in the face with how demeaning his love is if it can make her sick to the stomach with thinking he has already gone bored and is only cooking the perfect way to cut off their connection. He hasn't given her a sound reason, only desperate declarations of love like he's trying to convince them both that it's true. And it doesn't make sense how she's still plastered around him in the cold, trying to convince the readers that every word from Jace has deeper meanings that she understands no matter how gibberish they are. I'm not buying that, okay? Stop selling your larger-than-life connection bullshit because that isn't real.

You've only been together for two months, okay? The strongest you can feel for each other is lust. And it's showing.

---

His hands slid down to her waist and he kissed her, long and lingering, making her shudder.

She pulled away, "That doesn't make any sense."

"Neither does this," he said, "but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to pretend I can live without you. Don't you understand that? Can't you see it's killing me?"¹⁰

She stared at him. She could see that he meant what he said [...] Her desire for answers battled the more primal part of her brain, and lost. "Kiss me then,"¹¹

[10] NOBODY THREATENED YOU UNDER BLADE TO DO THAT BULLSHIT, so shut the hell up with the whining. [11] and Clary, I am so disappointed. You've both just drained me, and I'm dry inside like a raisin.

The next paragraphs describe their very erotic kissing against the wall. Jace, propping her up and her legs around his waist bull crap. Seriously? Am I supposed to believe these two are, what sixteen?- up until Isabelle thankfully ruins their moment by kicking a garbage can that would look better with Jace and Clary in it tbh.

---

And the nastiest horseshit of all:

Clary looked at Jace. At any other time, they would have laughed together at Isabelle's moodiness, but there was no humor in his expression, and she knew immediately that whatever they had had between them ---whatever had blossomed out of his momentary lack of control--- it was gone now. [...]

"Jace---" she took a step toward him.

"Don't," he said, his voice very rough. "I can't."¹²

And then he was gone [...]

[12] No, I frickin CANNOT. His actions keep on contradicting his words, and he's fickle and can't decide which mood to settle, and it's so exhausting, honestly. He wasted a few pages for a cosmic, meaningless declaration of feelings. They're empty words. At this point, I believe the writing only strives to convince the readers that these characters care for each other but is shitty at showing it.

It's not love, because they say it is love.

---

I was already gaining hope for this book, and then one simple few-pages scene with clace squishes it, smearing the innards on my face.

Honestly, TALK OR TAKE A BREAK. This back and forth can't continue throughout the rest of the book or -heaven forbid- the rest of the series. Or at least, put these characters in the background if they really must drag on this problem, because I care not a lick.

Bye.