#and even if it's not intentional constantly seeing myself referenced in posts saying 'don't listen to just anyone i mean only one person

[phoebified]

very long post ahead about the whole chiyo stuff WRT (with regard to) posts i keep seeing that reference me that are starting to really really wear me out. put in the readmore after i finished the post because it got really long, so please forgive the frustrated start to the post, but also please go into this knowing that what i'm seeing is starting to really tire me out and frustrate me, and i don't exactly feel like people are taking this seriously or attempting to be as fair and considerate to me as i am trying to be to everyone else on this topic. it's really wearing me down. continue ahead (or don't) as needed

EDIT: i realize i am being hypocritical when asking people not to vague me while talking vaguely about posts i've seen, but i'm doing this because i have seen the things i mention here so commonly, more so than i have actually seen east asian people giving their opinion on this topic. which is kind of astonishing to me. i think it would take way too long for me to go through and find each post i reference and directly respond to it, and i don't want to do that on posts that are already being vague about me, so i will be vague and indirect right now to clear up all the confusions i can think to clear up in one go. i hope this is acceptable.

okay i kind of don't feel like explaining myself anymore because i feel like i have thoroughly and very fairly explained my points on chiyo, and i am also, contrary to popular belief, not the only east asian person who has brought up the points i have about chiyo relying on stereotypes as a character?? i don't know why i keep seeing people saying they've only seen two or three east asian people talking about this, or why i see people acting like there have been east asian people who have 100% disagreed with me or something. NTM that if they've only seen "two people" talking about this subject, if they would just go to my blog, since they're already talking about me, they would see plenty of other insight from other east asian people. i had one disagreement with someone, and then we cleared it up, because the wording on a post wasn't the best and we both became confused, which ended up being a mistake on both our parts, and we cleared it up and both agreed, if not in different ways, that chiyo was unintentionally not very good representation, if not with variations on why we thought she wasn't great rep. that's fine, again, i've said no one has to agree with me totally, and i've said before many times i'm just pointing out what i've noticed, not passing final judgement or anything like that. i've also said i don't speak for all japanese people. i've also stated i want people who agree with what i've said to think on it as well, and also have stated that it's good exercise to also think about what some alternative solutions are.

but i'm starting to get baffled because i'm, like, the third east asian person i've seen who has outright said "hey yeah she's very much a stereotype". i'm not saying we're right based on majority, but the amount of posts i've seen directly vaguing me and my opinion and then saying "but i can't say for sure i'm not a POC" are starting to make me feel very frustrated -- especially the posts that keep saying "don't just listen to this one person, get multiple opinions". especially considering that they seem to imply that the people who are sharing what i've said and expanding on some of the points i've made are somehow blindly following what i've said. i understand that in small online communities like this, blindly following an opinion because you want to be a good ally can be a problem, but i can earnestly say that i do not think that's an issue here! especially considering that i keep encouraging people to think about why they agree with me first. so consistently seeing posts encouraging everyone to take my opinion with a grain of salt, when KNOWING that they are talking about MY opinion, as if i have not already encouraged the people engaging with me to think about these points first, feels very targeted and frustrating, and it's sort of making me regret ever saying anything in the first place.

i do not know anyone who has expanded on/shared my viewpoint who has tried to drown out other people's opinions, or blindly agreed with me, as i've had many talks to clear up confusion with many people in the last several weeks. however, i HAVE seen white people dissuading other white people from "only parroting" my, SPECIFICALLY MY opinion. which is frustrating, because i am being vagued, however unintentionally, as "the only person getting their opinion spread", and i've seen multiple posts saying this. i've also seen a few other posts that also have vagued me straight up just disagreeing with me in very flippant, discrediting ways -- and so far they've only come from white people. i'm not trying to imply racism, but i am begging for people to please have a care with how they respond and react to me when i'm trying to discuss (unintentional) racism in a constructive manner. also, i have seen several other east asian people chiming in with their own posts and replies giving their two cents, separate from mine, with additions that i have forgotten to add in my posts and posts i've added on to. i appreciate their expanding on my points! i wish more people would see the points they've made, too, so they can have a better grasp on why i take issue with the things i've taken issue on. this is making me wonder how many of these posts are actually saying "get multiple opinions" to be fair WRT opinion, because shockingly, i have not seen ANYONE making posts like this actually sharing the opinions of the other east asian people i have seen -- or even my opinion. i've only seen them say "don't believe everything immediately". i hope you can imagine how frustrating and hypocritical this seems to me. considering the whole thing is "get multiple opinions, share everyone's opinion equally, don't just reblog anything", i do not understand why this is not actually happening. to be quite honest, the posts i've seen in this vein have not read to me as posts that are attempting to encourage hearing out all people of color. to me, it feels like people are just trying to stop this discussion altogether. this might be me misinterpreting, but please try to see it from my point of view.

i would also like to say that i have YET to see another east asian person flat out disagree with me! so i am very confused on what some of these posts are talking about. we have had discussions and wording disagreements/discussions on nitpicks that i can understand and see the merit in, but none of us have flat out disagreed with one another as far as i can tell. if anything, i've seen them say "i agree that she's not good representation in this area, but i don't think it's on purpose or for money." or, "i agree for the most part, but i think she could pass as just a decora girl, and i don't think her name is a big issue as it's well picked." the first one was a misunderstanding that became cleared up, because my wording wasn't very good -- again, i do not think chiyo's design is INTENTIONALLY racist -- and the second point is one i absolutely see the merit of and have shared on my blog. however, i have noticed that my opinion (which i have very purposefully tried to leave open in a way that shows that while i take issue with chiyo's design, it is not the end of the world, and it's just something i want to point out) and the posts and replies by other east asians i've seen that are saying what i've been saying, which is that chiyo is bad representation of a japanese girl that relies on very tired and overused stereotypes, have NOT been shared on the blogs where people have said not to only share my opinion. i know i just said this in the last paragraph, but i want to emphasize it, because it is confusing to me and very frustrating. i do not understand the purpose of saying "get multiple opinions" if there are not actually multiple opinions being shared. when posts like this come from blogs of people who are not actually contributing anything to the discussion, or boosting all the voices of east asians like they say everyone should be doing, then i have to wonder why they were made in the first place. it certainly does not feel like they're made out of a desire to genuinely boost the voices of POC, or they would... do that.

also... please, i am begging you, if you are a white person, please, please, PLEASE do not assume that the overlap between specific groups of east asian people and specific issues that are pointed out with chiyo as a japanese character that has fallen into many japanese stereotypes are going to be immediately apparent to non japanese east asian people. there is overlap with how our communities and culture are treated! that does not mean a person who is not japanese but is east asian will immediately be able to understand what i am talking about WRT to her appearance and the stereotypes i see just because we are both east asian. usually, the reason east asian people get the same treatement is BECAUSE of racism, or because people who aren't us frequently confuse us with one another. it is not because we are actually from similar cultures, and each of our cultures have very specific ways with which they are viewed, and we all have our specific stereotypes that have been made up about our cultures.

please do not assume other people even from asia are going to have the same viewpoint as east asians. i know i certainly could not personally tell you anything about the struggles of central or south asians, and i don't know what southeast asians go through personally. i do not have any PERSONAL insight on the stereotypes a chinese character might have about them beyond ones i can recognize as being similar to the stereotypes of my cultures, which is to say ones that i can understand comparatively, and their origin from western cultures. this isn't to say i can't understand the issues of my fellow asian people, not at all, but it is saying that our experiences are all going to be vastly different from one another. someone from west asia or northern asia or southern asia are not going to have my experiences, and i will not have theirs. asia is huge. i'm not saying we can't go to bat for one another, or even that east asians can't share opinions on east asian characters derived from a different culture, i'm just saying that i am not only speaking as an east asian person, but as someone who is japanese. i did not start criticizing chiyo's design from an east asian standpoint. i started from a japanese standpoint. it's just that i have used "east asian" broadly, as there are frequently overlaps in how our cultures are treated by people who are not us when said people are making characters based on our cultures. i hope this makes sense.

please do not assume that people of color are going to innately understand one another's experiences. and please, please, please... please understand that POC stands for "people of color" or "person of color". this is not meant to be a roast or anything, or a judge of anyone, trust me! i see this on tumblr all the time -- like, ALL of it, so don't feel bad, because i just assume people don't know or haven't thought about this or english is just hard, but please stop using POC as an adjective. i have seen it used this way quite a bit so far, and it's very alarming. the term "people of color" was invented to circumvent people using negative terms for us. using POC as an adjective in front of people, characters, etc... it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

finally, i understand where many of these posts are coming from. i also want white people to hear all of the opinions of the other east asian people in the fandom! i also do not want white people to only repeat what i say, i want them to consider my argument on the topic and why i say what i say. i fully encourage east asian people to join me in the discussion if they want to, or to stay out of it if they wish, and i want white people to boost their voices as much as my opinion has been shared. i want nothing more than for my fellow east asian people to feel comfortable sharing their opinions, and i hope they feel comfortable hearing mine in return. but in return, i also want my opinion to be genuinely considered and shared ALONGSIDE the opinions of the other east asian people who have been discussing this. i have done my best to respond to, discuss, clear up confusion with, and share the other points i have seen about this topic on my blog. this should make it very easy to see where the discussion on the topic has gone since it has begun. this should make it easy to actually share some of the opinions other east asian people have given so far, be they reblogs, misunderstandings that have been communicated through, standalone posts, or replies to posts made.

i understand the worry that white people will simply follow blindly. i have made careful effort to be as fair as i can be and to encourage people to think my points through with me rather than just parrot me. i encourage people to not jump to conclusions. however, i am very tired of being touted as "the only one getting my opinion shared" when i am trying to have actual conversation about why i believe what i believe, and am trying to share every other east asian opinion i have found, and to explain why my opinion differs from theirs if we disagree on something. if white people following unthinkingly has become such a big issue, i don't see why the posts i've reblogged that is discussion between or has points from other east asian people are not being shared more.

and frankly, i'm very tired of being vagued about. many of the posts i've seen made about my opinion or the people who share posts i've weighed in on say things like "no disrespect but" or "it's not up to me but" and then proceed to have a very flippant and uncaring tone, or weighs in after saying they can't really say anything one way or the other. this may seem like not a big deal, but i put a lot of effort into making my opinions easily understandable to people who have not had my experience in life, and it really frustrates me that so many of the posts i've seen that have directly vagued me with specific details have been so... well, frankly disrespectful, and that so many have taken my arguments out of context, or misconstrued them. i feel like nobody is really hearing what i'm saying. i understand that some of the posts that reference me or what i've said aren't necessarily about me, and are more... disagreement with... i guess other white people sharing said opinion, but please don't forget a person of color, a japanese person, has made those points first, and with careful consideration so as to not step on anyone's toes, even when i feel that mine are being stepped on. i request that if you disagree with the conversations i've started, you feel free to weigh in, then. but i also request that people please not continually make posts about me that i end up finding randomly when i'm just trying to browse through SSO content. it's really upsetting, frankly! i don't like being vagued, it makes me feel paranoid, and i've tried to make the conversation as open as possible and respond to people directly and politely, so if you feel free to talk about my opinion/what i've said and then say "well it's not a vague", please just consider talking directly to me.

originally my gripes with chiyo were just supposed to be gripes i shared with my mutuals and people i respect on SSOblr, so i hope you can imagine how jarring it is, as a rather small SSO blog, to suddenly see posts talking about me in vague terms, or misconstruing my points. i am trying very hard to be fair in the execution of this conversation, i want people to feel free to communicate with me in an open way. i don't mind explaining my points or what i think is wrong with the design so far, but please do not vague me any more. it's very upsetting to me. i hope you can understand.

[notanacousticsetcal]

betty - calum hood

summary - a story based off of the song betty by taylor swift -- one of my absolute favorites from folklore and the most beautiful little story :) (y/n) in the role of the icon betty. 

warnings - cheating

word count - 3k ish

mood board

a/n - check out the other 3 installments of the song series too! this piece is kind of out of the blue because I actually started it and finished it today which is extremely rare for me but I actually really like how it turned out. hope you guys do too. :) (def listen to this song -- its amazing). (btw this isnt the calum fic i was referencing in one of my previous posts, that one is still in the works.)

Betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom, but I think it's 'cause of me.

Calum sat in the back row, staring at Missy Grenshaw’s head feeling the hole in his chest grow larger. He glanced at your empty seat and frowned, his eyebrows scrunched together. 

He heard Mrs. Martin start attendance and when she skipped over your name, the hole grew impossibly larger. 

Calum tried to convince himself you switched because Mrs. Martin was a hard grader, but he knew that wasn’t the real reason.

He knew it was because you couldn’t stand to see his face. 

Betty, one time I was riding on my skateboard when I passed your house. It's like I couldn't breathe.

Calum listened to the sound of a distant lawn mower and the rustling leaves and inhaled the smell of someone barbecuing in their backyard, trying to calm himself. He almost turned around and went home, his stomach grumbling at the idea of dinner waiting for him on the dining room table, but he didn’t. 

He was only a block away from your house now. He pretended like he was riding down your street because it had the smoothest road, but Calum couldn’t lie to himself. Just knowing your room was in that house and knowing you might be sitting on your bed was enough to draw Calum near. 

He didn’t let himself stop in front of the brick fronted modest house, but he wanted to. His legs ached as he kept pushing. He secretly hoped the sound of his wheels would draw you to the window. He held his breath in anticipation, but nothing. Not even a subtle shift in the curtains. 

You heard the rumors from Inez. You can't believe a word she says most times, but this time it was true. The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you.

“(Y/n)!” A familiar voice chirped from behind you. You turned on your heel to face your friend, Inez. She was your source of gossip always, even if it was almost always speculation and barely ever accurate. 

You weren’t expecting her sad features -- it alarmed you. “Are you alright, Inez? What happened?” You linked arms with her as you continued forward, heading for first period.

She nodded softly. “You aren’t going to want to hear this, (y/n).”

But if I just showed up at your party, would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself or lead me to the garden? In the garden would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing? I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything but I know I miss you.

Calum tossed the tennis ball up and caught it. He laid on his bed, absentmindedly continuing to toss the ball up and down, his mind plagued with thoughts about you.

Your birthday was a week away. Calum let his mind wander off in endless possibilities. 

He knew how much he had hurt you and the guilt ate at him constantly. A day didn’t go by that he didn’t beat himself up for being so stupid. 

Nothing was worth more to him than your happiness and he knew that now. He would do anything in his power to fix what he broke, if you’d let him.

He wondered how you would react if he showed up on your doorstep that evening, a bundle of flowers in hand and an apologetic smile on his face. 

He wondered if you’d slam the door in his face and ignore his knocks and desperate pleas. 

Or if you’d hesitantly let him come inside, your guard up, and lead him to the garden to talk alone. If you’d let him ramble on about how stupid he was. About how badly he messed up.

About how much he fucking missed you. 

Your soft smile and your positive, bright disposition and your generosity and selflessness. The way your eyes squinted when you laughed and the way your hair smelled. 

Calum really fucking missed you.

But he knew he didn’t really deserve a second chance. And he was asking a lot begging for one. But he thought he at least had to try.

Or this mistake would haunt him for the rest of his life. 

Betty, I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. I was nowhere to be found, I hate the crowds, you know that. Plus, I saw you dance with him.

Calum walked into the school alongside you, your hand in his and a bright smile on your face. You loved dances and seeing all your friends dressed up -- Calum felt claustrophobic, but he would do anything to keep that smile on your face, so he tagged along anyway.

Immediately, you tugged him towards the dance floor and he followed hesitantly. After only a few moments on the dance floor, Calum excused himself to the sidelines. He watched your expression fall, but you understood. You would never pressure him into anything he was uncomfortable with.

Calum felt like he could finally breathe properly from the edges of the gym.

He watched solemnly as the DJ began to play your favorite song. Your features lit up and Calum couldn’t help but smile, too. He wished he could go in there and dance with you but just the thought of being squished in between so many people made his pulse speed up and his palms sweaty.

He watched Dean approach you, clearly nervous, and his hands turned to fists. Calum had half a mind to go over there and punch him square in the face. 

Calum knew he couldn’t do that, but he had fun imagining it.

Dean grabbed your waist, pulling you close, and Calum’s heart practically stopped.

He couldn’t take anymore, so with one last glance at your soft smile, Calum stalked off in an angry blur.

Calum knew if he had just asked, you would’ve reassured him it was only a dance.

Calum knew if he had just asked, everything wouldn’t have gone the way it did. 

I was walking home on broken cobblestones just thinking of you when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intentions. She said "James, get in, let's drive,” those days turned into nights. Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.

The sun beat down on Calum’s back and he couldn’t wait to get home. He’d run out of water long ago, riding his skateboard in the early summer heat. 

He stumbled home, skipping happily over cracks in the concrete, skateboard in hand. 

He thought about seeing you after dinner. Taking you to your favorite tree and watching the stars. Or… looking at you while you looked at the stars. He thought about the way you danced with Dean. He still hadn’t told you how much it bothered him so he just let the resentment boil up until it stung the back of his throat.

Calum heard tires screech next to him, a familiar face in the driver's seat. Her red lipstick shimmered in the direct sunlight. Her sunglasses reflected Calum’s awestruck face. 

“Calum, get in. Lets drive,” She said. Her lips quirked up into an inviting smile and Calum swayed hesitantly. “Aw, come on. I’ll drive you home.” 

Calum looked around at the neighborhood once more, checking for witnesses, and then finally climbed into the silver convertible. As soon as he got in, his heart fluttered with guilt. His eyes filled with images of you, hurting, and he almost got out. Almost.

There was Dean again, haunting Calum through memories, smiling down at you, holding you. Calum gripped his skateboard harder, his knuckles growing white.

Her voice was so inviting and her car smelled so nice. The air conditioning hit Calum’s warm skin and soothed it instantly. Calum stayed. 

Calum didn’t just stay, though. He could’ve forgiven himself for that. 

Betty, I'm here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but It's finally sinking in. Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again. The only thing I wanna do is make it up to you. 

Calum tossed and turned in his sleep, getting more and more frustrated with the nerves. He would face you tomorrow. It would determine the outcome of everything he had been wondering and worrying about for weeks. 

Tomorrow meant everything. He had one last night to drift into dreams about how you might react. The forgiveness or resentment. The smile or the tears. The hug or the shove. 

He drifted to sleep with images of you playing in his mind. In your favorite sweater, his hand in yours. 

Calum hoped with everything in him that you could see past his stupid mistake. But he prepared himself for the worst. You didn’t owe him anything. 

So, I showed up at your party. Yeah, I showed up at your party. Yeah, I showed up at your party. Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings? I'm only seventeen. I don't know anything, but I know I miss you.

Calum straightened out his button down and shifted the flowers, watching a few stray petals fall loose and hit the pavement of your porch. He cleared his throat and listened anxiously while his heart pounded ferociously in his ear. 

He could faintly hear commotion from within the confines of your home but he couldn’t make out anything they were saying.

His shaky hand extended towards the dark wood door and he knocked twice.

Cars were parked a block or two down the street -- all of your friends had already arrived.

Calum could lie and say he meant to be the last person, but in reality, he sat in his car for 30 minutes gathering up the nerve to come over there.

He could see multicolored balloons lining the walls inside. He watched as a figure appeared through the window, the tint making the figure only a silhouette. 

The door began to open and Calum thought for a moment about running, but it was too late. Before he knew it, he was face to face with you again. For the first time in 2 months, you were looking at him and he was looking at you.

He watched as confusion and shock filled your eyes, and then disappeared, filling with pure curiosity. He didn’t notice any anger yet. 

“Calum?” Your voice was like sugar. Calum’s knees felt weak.

“Yeah, hi (y/n).” Calum coughed. “Happy birthday.”

There were a million things Calum wanted to say and that wasn’t necessarily at the top of his list. He mentally face palmed. Your eyebrows knit together. “Thank you?” You looked down at the bouquet of flowers in his hand. “Are those for me?” 

Calum looked down at the flower he almost forgot he was holding, too lost in your eyes to care about anything else. “Oh, yes. Yeah.” He stumbled, holding them out to you.

You took them without a word. 

“So um…” Calum started, wringing out his sweaty hands. “I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute.”

You turned around for a moment towards the chatter coming from the kitchen and then turned back to face him with a sigh. “Why should I say yes?” You didn’t look angry… just tired. 

Calum scratched the back of his neck anxiously. “You don’t owe me anything, I know that. I was hoping to apologize, if you’d let me. I know that I’m the biggest idiot on the planet and I broke your heart and there's no way I can go back and undo that, but I owe it to you to at least try to fix what I broke. You don’t have to let me, though. I wouldn’t be mad if you cursed me out or slapped me or slammed the door in my face. I deserve it. I hurt you, and I suck for that.” He took a deep breath staring at the ground.

Your eyes softened and you sighed. “Come on.” You grabbed Calum’s hand and tugged him into the house, shutting the door softly behind him.

Calum followed your lead as you stepped through the back door into the garden.

You’d planted more of the flowers you told him about months ago and Calum thought your vision was really coming to life. You pulled him to a small metal table in the corner and sat down.

Calum looked around again, taking in all you’d accomplished since you two last spoke. “It looks beautiful, (y/n).”

You sighed, proudly admiring the shrubs and greenery that surrounded you. “I needed something to take my mind off things so I kind of poured my soul into it.” You fiddled with your rings.

Calum knew he was what you needed to take your mind off of and that made him feel even worse. “What I did to you… it was unforgivable. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. I betrayed your trust and I hurt you in the worst way imaginable. That girl… it was nothing. It meant nothing.”

Calum watched you carefully as you took this in. Again, you didn’t look angry or sad — just emotionally drained. Numb. “I just… I guess I kinda just wanna know why. Was I… was I not enough?” Calum watched the tears well up that threatened to spill over and down your rosy cheeks.

He shook his head instantly. “No, no. Of course not. I spent a lot of time thinking about it because at first I didn’t even know. But I think I was just… jealous.”

You scoffed. “Jealous?” Calum blushed. “But of who?”

Calum inhaled deeply, prepared to completely embarrass himself. If it meant getting back on good terms with you. “Dean,” he muttered.

You couldn’t help but laugh. And not just chuckle — really laugh. “Dean? Dean Marshall. You were jealous of Dean Marshall?” You put a hand over your mouth to stifle the laughter. It felt nice to laugh after so many weeks of pain. 

Calum rolled his eyes playfully. “Yes, Dean Marshall. When he danced with you at the formal I was pissed.”

You stopped laughing, seeing the hurt in Calum’s soft features.

“You didn’t really think I was interested in him?... Did you?” You asked.

Calum looked down, playing with a loose thread on his trousers.

You let out a heavy sigh. “Oh, Cal. I never had any feelings for Dean.”

“Deep down, I did know that. It was some petty revenge thing in my head. I should’ve just voiced my pain and I know you would’ve reassured me. I was so dumb. I’ve never regretted anything so much in my life.” Calum finished with an exasperated breath and you smiled at his passion.

“Do you want to come in for cake, Cal?” 

Calum’s eyes shot up to read your face. You couldn’t be serious. You laughed at his eagerness and joy. “I would love to come in for cake,” Calum said easily.

You grabbed his hand, guiding him towards the back door and inside.

You ignored the series of gasps from your unsuspecting friends and found Calum a seat around the table. Nobody asked questions. They just smiled. If you were happy and safe, then they were happy too.

After some time, the sun was nearing the horizon and friends were bidding their goodbyes.

Calum hadn’t taken his eyes off you all night.

Your stomach tingled in anticipation whenever you caught his gaze.

Calum got a text from his mom saying she needed him home, so he begrudgingly headed for the door, his hand in yours.

“Happy birthday, again,” he whispered in your ear. 

“Thank you for coming today. It must’ve taken a lot of guts.” You laughed at Calum’s expression.

“You have no idea. But I'm so glad I did it.” He looked down at you fondly and you felt as if your knees might give out.

Before you could stop and think about the consequences, you were leaning closer and so was he.

Your noses barely brushed and the air around you was heating. It felt like everything between you two was leading up to this very moment — this very kiss. 

He stooped down a little lower, pressing his lips gently onto yours. You felt a rush of emotions. You had missed him all this time. You felt ready to try again - slowly building a mutual trust between you two again.

His lips folded over yours at a steady pace. It was soft and not rushed. It was perfect.

When he pulled away, your lips tingled at the absence of his. 

You were startled by the sudden applause.

You friends had gathered in the hall and watched the entire thing. You hid your face in Calum’s shoulder.

Standing in your cardigan. Kissing in my car again. Stopped at a streetlight, you know I miss you.

You slipped into Calum’s car and he smiled fondly. He hadn’t been this happy in so long.

You grabbed his sweater -- the one that had once been yours -- and felt it between your fingers. “You still have this old thing?” 

He smiled, his cheeks glowing a faint pink. He looked adorable with his curls tumbling down across his forehead. “It smells like you.”

You planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.

He had missed you. But he didn’t have to anymore.