#and even goes out of his way to do things for Chuuya's benefit he really didn't /have/ to i.e. see: Stormbringer--}

[frost-eyed-autumn]

{--Ngl, people who try to make Chuuya's relationship with Mori shitty and antagonistic are boring as Hell and completely missing out. Give me more complex and nuanced dynamics with them as the organization's leader and faithful second-in-command any day over that tired old dribble.

Both of them towing the line between being cut-throat professionals who are widely feared and respected on their own merits for good reason, and having implicit trust and subtle casual affection for one another.

Chuuya knowing that its well within Mori's capabilities to do some real damage to him and everything that matters to him but also knowing Mori never does or orders anything without clear sound logic and calculation behind why it needs to be done.

Mori knowing that Chuuya is very well capable of crushing him like a tin can and wreaking havoc on the Port Mafia he's dedicated his life to building up but is dutifully loyal and hard working to a fault towards anyone who has proven why they deserve his loyalty.

Both of them caught in a dance where Chuuya will make any sacrifice Mori asks so long as Mori is as good as his promises to Chuuya (keeping the Sheep safe after their forced disbanding, giving him the Arahabaki records if he earns the rank of Executive, finding the whereabouts of Chuuya's alleged family after the King of Assassins incident).

Chuuya being completely absorbed and happy in serving as Mori's second-in-command and most trusted among his Executives, and Mori having Chuuya as his first choice to take over the mafia despite that Chuuya absolutely does not want that crown because Mori sees more in Chuuya than Chuuya sees in himself.

Mori being the first adult role model Chuuya's ever had in his life to look up to when he was lost and alone and hurt after being betrayed by the Sheep, and Chuuya being one of the people Mori values most for being one of the primary forces that helped make the current Port Mafia what it is.

Chuuya knowing full well that his favoritism is largely because of the power he wields and his usefulness as a weapon as the Port Mafia's spearhead, and Mori quietly finding just as much value in Chuuya's humanity, his empathy for his subordinates, his trustworthiness in seeing a job done no matter how difficult it is and going beyond his call of duty, and also being someone Mori can comfortably toast wine and relax with when all of the chaos finally quiets down.

Chuuya subconsciously seeing Mori as the father figure of his life who demands a lot but is generally fair and appreciative of his accomplishments. Mori viewing Chuuya just a little bit like his adopted son who's always working tirelessly for his approval and delivers more often than not.

Boiling their relationship down to "Chuuya just works for Mori because he's scared of and abused by him and he'd want to kill Mori and run away from the mafia if he only could but he's helpless and stuck"? Stale. Boring. Cheap. Completely lacking in any understanding of their characters or their canonically confirmed relationship.--}

[oikasugayama]

Hi can I request a chart on bsd boys with a super shy s/o ☺️

of courseeeee <3 i was horribly shy as a child and still am to some extent, so some of these assumptions are based on my own experience!

Though he likes your shyness, he sometimes finds it annoying

Akutagawa (likes that you keep to yourself in public so enemies tend to overlook you, but he doesn't like having conversations on your behalf because you're too shy to make a phone call), Fyodor (likes that you're quiet and keep to yourself when other people are around, but doesn't like when you get shy toward him), Jouno (likes that you don't approach people or start conversations, but hates when he has to guess what you want because you won't just say it).

He likes that you're shy and finds it very cute when you need him to help you with social things.

Nikolai (you cling to him in public; sometimes he likes to disappear and watch from afar as you panic and search for him because the look of joy and relief when you finally spot him goes straight to his heart), Ango (feels like you're safe from harm because you keep to yourself and let him run a lot of errands for you; he loves feeling needed by you), Sigma (is surrounded by bold people, so you're a breath of fresh air being fairly quiet and calm; he'd do anything for you at the drop of a hat and doesn't even realize you need the help because you're shy), Junichiro (is also fairly timid, so he likes having a quiet, introverted relationship with you; you spend a lot of time at home playing games and cuddling; he can overrule his own anxiety to do things for you), Bram (is endeared that you're quiet and shy when others are around; he hates when people consider you his trophy wife or ask if he has you under a spell; he'll get in fights with people over this), Poe is the only person you've ever met who's as shy as you are; he hides in public, he trembles when he has to ask for something; only you and Ranpo know how fun and silly he actually is, and only they know the same about you), Mori (adores your timidness and enjoys controlling you as much as you'll let him; it's not necessarily toxic but it can certainly get there...), Oda (considers you as beautiful as the cherry blossoms in the spring after a dark, cold winter; he'd do anything for you, no questions asked), Chuuya (enjoys protecting you, helping you, cheering you up; he does wish you could have a bit more confidence because he wants everyone to know how radiant you are, but he's content keeping your shine to himself).

He generally finds it cute when you get shy, but wants to help you be more confident.

Fukuzawa (understands that it can be scary to talk to people, so he never pushes you and while he happily does things for you, he also gradually coaches you into being more confident), Dazai (selfishly loves that you cling to him in public and need him to do things like order at restaurants on your behalf; he just wishes you knew how much power you have and thinks it'd be hot if you acted really confidently sometimes), Tachihara (feels so important when he gets to help you, but sometimes he wishes he had a bold, dynamic partner who would go out with him and do all the crazy things he wants to do without shying away), Atsushi (finds you very cute and is happy to do things that you're too shy to do, but he recognizes his own lack of confidence in you and wants you to blossom the way he did), Tetcho (thinks that you're sweet if not a bit naive and wants to make you happy; he also thinks you'd be happier if you didn't need to rely on him so much).

He gets annoyed when you're "overly shy" and wants you to be more confident.

Ranpo (doesn't understand why you can't just say what you want to say and do what you want to do; has no concept of anxiety and is not helpful), Kunikida (gets frustrated when your shyness messes up his scheduled plans; he wants you to be more confident for your benefit but also his), Fukuchi (tells you he doesn't want a partner he has to take care of, and tells you to get used to doing things on your own), Mushitaro (is very independent and wants a partner who is equally so; he gets annoyed when you need help or cling to him in public and constantly tries to make you more independent). (Bonus discussion on the longevity of these four relationships.)

[moonlight0934]

Medication

Akutagawa sits down on the couch, putting his legs across Gin’s lap. She looks up from her phone with a raised eyebrow. Akutagawa shrugs before turning back to the TV, which is playing quietly.

They sit in silence for a while before Gin says, “How did your appointment go?”

Akutagawa gives her a small smile.

“It went fine.”

Gin’s face relaxes into a smile.

“Good, I was worried. You’ve been coughing a lot recently.”

She doesn’t even ask what the doctor actually said which is good for Akutagawa cause he hasn’t figured out what he’s going to tell her. She just settles back against the couch with her arms resting on top of his legs. He continues to stare at the TV without really watching it.

The things his doctor told him are ringing in his ears. Terminal, years, and stop working. Obviously he’s not going to do that, because it doesn’t matter how much shorter his life is if he keeps working, he can’t stop. He has a bunch of shit to pick up from the pharmacy tomorrow after work, and he has to figure out how to take care of himself properly. He also has to figure out how to break all of this to Gin, and that has to be the hardest part of all of this.

For now he’s keeping it to himself, and even though they don’t live together anymore, that’s not likely to last. She’s likely to figure out even if he doesn’t tell her, especially with how often she’s at his apartment. He tries to force his mind away from his appointment and diagnosis, but nothing else seems to keep his attention.

Gin doesn’t notice, and ends up falling asleep before she can even catch onto the fact that he’s not paying any attention to the TV. Akutagawa only ends up getting an hour or two of sleep before work the next morning due to his swirling thoughts. Gin takes in his haggard appearance the next morning with a worried look.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I kept you up, didn’t I?”

“What? No, I’m good. I just had a lot on my mind last night. Come on, we should get to work.”

Gin nods, then heads to the spare room to get dressed. Akutagawa goes to the kitchen first to get coffee started, then heads to his room. Once he’s ready for work, he pours himself half of the coffee he made, then heads to the door.

“I’m heading out, Gin. I’ll see you later.”

“Ok, see ya. I’ll lock the door on my way out.”

Akutagawa walks to work, and he’s immediately met by one of the grunts as soon as he walks in the door.

“The boss wants to see you,” he says with a blank look and monotone voice.

Akutagawa nods, then follows the man back to Mori’s office. Mori is sitting behind his desk with a grim expression.

“Boss.” That’s all Akutagawa says before waiting for Mori to speak.

“Akutagawa, how did your appointment go?”

“I actually had all of the paperwork sent to my email so I could use my printer here to print it as soon as I was in the building. If you want, I can go get it, or you can send someone else to get it from my office.”

Mori nods at one of the men near the door. They jog off leaving them in tense silence. It only takes a couple of minutes for them to come back with the papers. They hand them to Mori, who reads over them quickly.

“This is a grim diagnosis. What are you planning to do?”

“I’m planning to keep working. I’ll do whatever you need me to, just like before. I’ll manage my health, and then I guess I’ll see how it progresses. I’m not going to tell any of my co-workers, and I haven’t told my sister yet though I do plan to.”

Mori hums, leaning back.

“And you’re sure that you can handle work on top of this?”

“Yes, sir, of course I can.”

“Well you’ve earned the benefit of the doubt. I won’t get involved for now, but don’t start slacking.”

Akutagawa bows, keeping his head down and his eyes on the floor.

“Thank you, sir. I appreciate that.”

Mori nods.

“Alright, get back to work. I won’t tell Hirotsu about this.”

Akutagawa nods, then heads to his office. Chuuya is sitting on the opposite side of his desk, checking emails on his phone.

“Sir, what are you doing here?” Akutagawa asks, freezing in the doorway.

Chuuya looks up, then drops his phone onto the desk.

“I have some paperwork for you. You need to sign for it before I can leave. Are you alright? You look jittery.”

“Yes, I’m fine. Where do I need to sign?”

Chuuya grabs the packet of papers off of the desk, which Akutagawa didn’t even notice until Chuuya pointed it out. Chuuya offers the papers, then points at the bottom where there’s a spot to sign.

“Since it came straight from Mori, it’s a liability reason why I can’t give it to you before you sign for it.”

Akutagawa nods, then signs it.

“Thank you, sir.”

Chuuya nods.

“Yeah, just get that done by the end of the day, and bring it to my office before you leave.”

“What time are you going home tonight?”

“Oh, I’ll be here until seven, then I’ll be back at eight for at least fifteen minutes. I’ll be in a meeting from seven to eight, and I have to sign for it again so I have to present. Though you should have no issue bringing it before I leave since I’m leaving so late.”

Akutagawa nods, and Chuuya walks back out. The day ends up being a good bit busier than he originally thought it was going to be, and he doesn’t end up finishing his regular paperwork until five. So he rushes straight from work to the pharmacy so he can get his meds before it closes.

Gin texts him as he gets back to work with his large amount of pill bottles, asking where he is. He immediately responds telling her that he has to give Chuuya some paperwork, then he’d meet her at her apartment.

Chuuya is actually getting up from his desk to go to his meeting when Akutagawa walks in.

“Oh, hey, I was starting to think that you forgot about the paperwork. Did you finish it?”

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry for the delay.”

Chuuya signs the paperwork, then tucks it into his desk. He locks it, then turns back to Akutagawa.

“Do you need anything else, or are you gonna head home now?”

“I’m heading home. Thank you, sir.”

Chuuya’s eyes land on the bag in Akutagawa’s hand. His eyes narrow slightly, but then he steps past Akutagawa.

“Alright, have a nice night.”

Akutagawa walks home, then sets up all of the medicine in his bathroom. He organizes it by when he’s supposed to take it, then grabs one of each of the night meds. He stares at them for a few minutes, wondering how much a few little white pills can change his life. It takes a while, but he swallows them, and heads to Gin’s apartment to pretend like everything’s fine for a little while longer.

[snows-2am-thoughts]

BSD x Hazbin Hotel AU

Charlie- Atsushi

Alastor- Dazai

Vaggie- Akutagawa

Angel Dust- Chuuya

Nifty- Kunikida

The thought of Atsushi as Charlie makes me laugh so much I swear 

Atsushi tries to see the good in everyone like how in BSD he sees Dazai as a good person and even goes on to give Akutagwa the benefit of the doubt so I think he would make a good Charlie. I also headcanon that Alastor and Charlie are gonna become pretty good friends eventually in the series which I think would be a good parallel to who I put as Alastor.

Dazai as Alastor shouldn’t even need an explanation. They both chase after what makes their life worthwhile, in Dazai’s case it’s fulfilling his friend’s last wish and in Alastor’s case it’s chasing something that would entertain him. 

Vaggie as Akutagawa was troubling at first because it seems as though Vaggie and Charlie are a pretty healthy non toxic couple and Atsushi and Akutagawa aren’t really that. However, both Vaggie and Akutagwa have this certain bluntness about them. Just because they care for someone doesn’t mean that they go all soft, they’re still straight to the point and blunt about what they think. Akutagawa is a little bit more rough around the edges though. I do think Akutagawa would be protective of his loved ones though, like Vaggie, as we see in bsd Beast. 

Nifty as Kunikida, enough said. Ideals and strict cleaning, it’s a match. Kunikida being anal about something like cleaning instead of his ideals.  NO HIS IDEALS ARE KEEPING THINGS CLEAN. Kunikida is such a fun character. 

I’m not sure who Angel Dust would be but for some reason I am leaning more towards Chuuya. First point is that the other main characters have all been assigned someone and I can’t just leave Chuuya out. Second point is that I headcanon that Vaggie and Angel Dust would become pretty good friends and I see Akutagawa and Chuuya as having a somewhat friendship in canon so I also thought that was a good fit. Chuuya is also pretty proud of himself, not hiding his person and quirks which is what Angel Dust also acts like. They’re both very “fuck what everyone thinks” but they are both pretty loyal. We see Angel Dust run to help Cherri when she became part of a territory battle and one of Chuuya’s biggest weaknesses is his undying blind sense of loyalty. Although their trauma is very different they are both pretty outspoken characters, which could be because of their trauma? It’s definitely a possibility but the way they act doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a result of trauma. 

I have no idea who Husker, Cherri, Lucifer or the rest of the cast would be but I’ll definitely give it some more thought. 

I feel like writing the first episode with these characters tbh, maybe I will. 

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

Never enough |Chuuya comfort x Reader

Angst and fluff time

Never enough |Chuuya comfort x Suicidal depressed Reader|

Warnings- mentions of Self-harm, heavy depression, suicide, lack of love for one's self. -I honestly wrote this as a self-comfort cause I needed something, so it really is triggering-

Word count- 1,700 words (roughly)

Life is a storm, full of calm eyes and rough winds that threaten to knock you over. Within life, there are ups and down; rough and soft moments in the storm. Tears are like rain, drizzling and pouring. There are light cries and heavy cries just like the sky. Happiness, fear, sadness, anger; emotions are weather. There are sunny days; happiness, thunderstorms; fear, rainy days; sadness, hurricanes; anger.

The clouds wept today. Wrapping around the moonlight, it hid the light. Water made heavy clinking noises against metal. The rush of cars swooshed against water as they sped by, the sound of a silent street followed. There were no voices, no couples, no people within eyesight or earshot. Today was a rainy day; a sad day. Tears fell in pattern with the falling water. Crimson dissipated within the water. Flowing down the roof the water washed it away. Clothing stuck, hair fell, eyes continued to look down.

You felt alone, afraid, disgusted, and angry with yourself and others. Your legs dangled off the edge of the roof. Listening to the music of sadness; a rainy night, you hummed. There was nobody else there with you, besides your thoughts you were alone. Though it was no surprise, it happened all the time.

People leave, people move one, people are not permanent. There is death in life; life in death. You pondered the meaning of such similes often. Running arms over your soaked clothes you choked on sobs. Letting out silent cries you shed the pain. Out of alcohol and still sober enough to feel you tossed the empty bottle to the roof entrance. It shattered to hundreds of pieces, adding sound to your cries. This isn't normal; to feel like this. You hated the things you’ve done, the job you could not back out from. You hated the way you looked. It didn’t matter what people said to you about being perfect the way you are. The small voices of people who put you down stood out. The ones that edge this crippling insecurity stuck out the most. They say the smallest flame can do more damage than the largest flame. It makes sense though, a large flame grows from the smallest flame. The large flames that start that size often take a while to do the same damage a building flame has done. Words worked like that; the smaller words that came from those close built into raging flames.

You shouted curses under your breath, looking to your lined arms, you choked back another sob. Why, why did you do these things? They were temporary freedoms from this pain but it never lasted; like drinking. Everybody needs a way to tell these feelings to fuck off, but at points, it doesn't work. Those thoughts cross the mind. The permanent solution to what they call a temporary problem. It isn’t always temporary, sure it goes at times to reveal the sun, but then it returns three-fold. It never leaves forever, they say it gets better, but sometimes it's hard to see that light at the end. Sometimes it's so far away it seems impossible to reach unless somebody else can help.

Everybody says it’s alright to be like this. Yet, they never help, they never offer up their hand to pull you out of the quicksand. They never attempt to push you forward in the tunnel. They stand, and they watch you break, until it’s suddenly benefiting for them to step in. Then, they dare to ask why you’re like this. It’s not a choice, it’s not something that can be so easily controlled. It’s a monster with its talons tearing into you.

So maybe, that’s why you did it. That’s why you inched closer and closer. Maybe that’s why you looked up and shut your eyes. Tapping fingers against the rooftop's edge. Humming tunes to try and steer your thought from doing the last resort. Just before the wrong decision could be made, you were grabbed and pulled back.

You felt so far from the world, nothing was clicking or connecting the dots. A harsh sting to your cheek brought your mind swirling back to the present. Noticing you were paying attention, the dark silhouette of a short male shouted words. “What were you thinking!” he hissed holding your shoulders with a firm grip.

“I… I don't know?” you mumbled feeling the tears swell in your eyes again.

“You don’t know? What the hell, I know we're all a little messed up but you can't…” it fell on him, his voice cutting out as he fell to his knees. His hands slid around you. Firmly holding you, he yanked your soaked body to his. His umbrella only hid your bodies from the wind with his ability. “How long, tell me how long.” his voice was breaking but still stern.

“I don’t know? Weeks, months, maybe years?” you don't move, afraid and cold, you could not meet his eyes. “Why do you care? You’ll just end up the same as everybody else. I’m worthless right? I mean, everybody leaves me alone. I don't fit beauty standards to perfection. Nobody would want me so, why not? Why not take the shortcut to happiness?” you were slapped again. It was light, but it stung enough to snap you from those thoughts again.

“Ya well think about somebody else! I don’t need two suicidal idiots! Having one to worry about is enough! Not that I worry about that mongrel! I do about you though, you’re my drinking partner. You’re the one who managed to get me to open up to being touched! I don’t hug or act... soft with anybody else! You don’t get to take that away! I don’t care what you look like, sound like, fuck, I don’t care about anything but what’s in there. In that fuckin heart! I am not a softy, you know I don’t say shit like this often but… you can’t do that! If you're miserable enough to really be willing to toss it all away, then you should talk to somebody!” his voice was panicked. Yes, he was being selfish. He knew that this wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t a feeling you could so easily overcome. Yet, here he was hoping that you would let him help you.

“I'm sorry! I’m so sorry! I just… I thought… wouldn’t it be better for everybody though? Sure you'd be sad at first but you'd forget about me!” Chuuya shook his head. Meeting your eyes with his clouded ocean ones. Tears fell, almost unnoticeable within the pouring rain.

“No, no I wouldn't! I wouldn't because I love you! I fell in love, I don't know how or when it… it just happened! Isn’t this enough? One person, am I not enough? If I had known I’d have held you to me, given you all the cuddles you ever needed!” he buried his face into the crook of your neck. He didn’t care if you felt the same or not at this point. He just needed to let you know somebody cared for you.

“Chuuya…” a light in the tunnel, it formed inside the tunnel.

It is, as they say, eventually you will meet that light. You will find meaning in your life. Something good will happen, then, all the people who put you here will be nothing but bad memories, and lingering ghosts of the past; You can move on. A light will come to you eventually, no matter how dark it seems, that light will show itself. In a friend, a relative, a job offer, an achievement. Those beads of light spread and eventually, they will pull you out enough to know true happiness.

When Chuuya looked worriedly to you, he was taken aback by your arms tossing around him. Your tears being muffled by his own lips. He kissed back before pulling away. Even if you still felt low you were slightly feeling better. Just knowing there was somebody to hold you like this was enough to curve the thoughts for a while.

He took his jacket and wrapped it around you, lifting you into his arms. He carried you to his penthouse, setting you down on the couch located in his bedroom. He looked around, finding one of his larger hoodies he tossed to you. He started hot chocolate as he waited for you to change. You’d probably be sick tomorrow, given it had been cold and you were drenched.

He carried the mug back to the couch, placing it down, he frowned. Walking to a closet, he pulled a small towel out. Rubbing it against your skull as you sniffled, he sighed. “Do you need anything else?” shaking your head, you grabbed his arm.

“Just… some cuddles?” he nodded holding you close, trying to warm your frigid body up. “Did you mean it? You'd really care if I…”

“Yeah, I did, is there a problem? I know it may not mean much. I know how depression works, at least a little bit. It’s not something that can be easily controlled. I just want you to know that you are perfect to me. If somebody ever tells you otherwise, I'll crush them to a pulp.” cracking a small smile, Chuuya's eyes lit up. “There we go, a small smile is a win. So you like me being all protective? Good, I’m a little territorial.”

Looking at him you nodded. “Yeah… okay.” you still sounded so sad.

“I'm serious! I’d squash even Mori if he insulted you in any way! You’re the most perfect thing I've ever seen and known! You're beautiful outside and inside, people are just jealous of how perfect you are.” he was trying to lift your spirits and it seemed to work a little.

“Can we just stay like this?” Chuuya nodded, letting you lean your head on his shoulder. He didn’t move even as you fell asleep.

[ahvulon-nightingale]

Rules: Complete all the questions you want, expand and explain your answers as much as you want, and have fun!

If you can, tag some people you want to join in on the fun!

Tagged by: @mamichigo​ (I’ve never done this before but this is for you Mandy! It’s probably not as insightful as you were wanting haha)

Tagging: no one haha, I’m not bold enough

What ability would you have in the BSD universe? (What would it be called? What’s its purpose? How does it work?)

Oh man, I’m not clever enough for this. I’ve always thought attraction/repulsion powers were interesting. “Marking” two different things and having them attract or repel each other, controlling the intensity. No idea what something like that might be called haha.

If you could claim someone’s ability in BSD, whose ability would you want?

For The Tainted Sorrow would be great, ngl. Do you know how many things I could do without getting out of bed??? Flight AND peak laziness??? *Pacha meme* Not sure if I want to deal with Corruption tho...

What group/organization would you join? (ex. Guild, Port Mafia, Armed Detectives’ Agency, Rats, etc.)

That depends, if I join the government, can I have a safe cozy desk job? Where there is no one trying to cause me physical harm? Please I’m nervous enough as is. If not I’d probably go for ADA. I’m too much of a wimp for the others haha.

Which BSD character do you identify with the most?

Atsushi (stereotypical I know). His struggle and learning to accept himself is my journey through middle and high school.

Who are your top five favourite BSD characters? 

Atsushi (cinnamon roll who does not deserve the shit he goes through someone get this kid a nap and a three hour hug)

Chuuya (hey google how do i look intimidating even though i’m five feet tall and look like i’m eleven does he count as a problematic fave?)

Odasaku (he deserved so much better he had kids man)

Dazai (chaotic dumbass)

Yosano (queen she scares me I love her so much)

Are there any authors that you’d want to bring into the BSD universe that hasn’t arrived yet? Or do you have OCs?

Uhhhhh..... no? Idk Brandon Sanderson or Leigh Bardugo maybe? Based on the books they’ve written I think they’d have some pretty badass abilities! 

Favourite Scene(s)?

I really liked Atsushi’s entrance exam. The instant suicidal selflessness that is the core of his character is shown here Atsushi please value yourself more I’m begging you. He was obviously scared but still willing to die to protect these people he’s never met before instead of running and saving himself. Even though it really isn’t shown, I think he was shaken up about it for a while after, seeing as he couldn’t let go of the fake bomb--showing that just because he’s brave doesn’t mean he isn’t scared. He’s shown in a very human way, especially after the previous episode where he’s “mindless man-eating tiger”. All in all, a nice scene.

The interactions between Yosano and Ranpo when they’re in Poe’s book and after they get out. Their relationship is so cute!

Favourite Quotes from the Authors/Characters?

“If both sides are the same, become a good man. Save the weak, and protect the orphans. Neither good nor evil means much to you, I know... but that’d make you at least a little bit better.”  

--Odasaku, Episode 16

“Am I a fool? Is it worthless of me to want to escape from those memories?”

“It is. The words of your past are fundamentally unrelated to who you are now.”

--Atsushi & Akutagawa, Episode 23

Who would you want to bring to life to be your best friend? Waifu/Husbando?

Atsushi would be an awesome friend, always looking out for the people he cares about. Mom-friend Odasaku pls I need him. Gin, because she can teach me her adorable ways but also scare off creepy people.

I’m, uh, not one for marriage haha. but if I had to friend-marry one of them for tax benefits? who has the biggest paycheck 

How has Bungou Stray Dogs changed you as a person? Did you learn anything from it?

I don’t think it has? Except maybe put more authors on my radar haha

[dinosaurtsukki]

ok rant time sorry if this is lOnG

kunikida and chuuya are the moms of their respective organizations and its canon confirmed

if their fellow members are the ‘mcdonalds! mcdonalds!’ type of people, kunikida is ‘we have food at home’ and chuuya is *goes up to drive-thru, orders a single black coffee and leaves*

ranpo has ‘youngest sibling who doesn’t do anything but everyone just loves him’ vibes 

the fact that they realized ten minutes into their walking that dazai was missing all this time SENDS ME

how do you lose dazai this tall, trench-coated man???

i can practically sense kunikida losing his will to live at the sound of dazai yelling his name

idk why but chuuya and higuchi bickering is just so fun to listen to esp since they’re both trying mother akutagawa

akutagawa is babie

mori ogai, ‘boss of the port mafia’, is more generous with his employee benefits than your average businessman. i said what i said.

idk it’s nice to hear chuuya’s non-yelling voice

also the rest of the sound design in both these cd’s are amazing 

KUNIKIDA EXPLAINING HOW TO PROPERLY BATHE IN THE ONSEN AND ATSUSHI TAKING NOTES IS SO CUTE

it’s kinda like that into the spiderverse meme yeah you know what i’m talking about

hearing kenji’s voice waters my crops and clears my acne

dazai trying to drown himself at every possible opportunity is an entire mood also kudos to miyano’s voice-acting for that

ATSUSHI WAITING FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO WASH HIS SENPAI’S BACKS BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF HIM I’M JKLGJSKLJA

ranpo. brings. rubber ducks. to the bath.

i like that this implies him buying a bunch of rubber ducks and carrying it with him all the way to the bathhouse

atsushi playing with the rubber ducks and his little laugh while doing so IM HE’S SO PURE

i swear 90% of the part when the port mafia guys are in the actual onsen is just chuuya trying to get akutagawa into the bath

also really fucking cute how akutagawa doesn’t Completely Resist because these are his senpai’s trying to get him to bathe

akutagawa: *dips feet in the bath* ok done

chuuya: YOU’RE NOT DONE

i’m not joking this was actually a thing

CHUUYA BEING PATIENT WITH AKUTAGAWA EVEN THOUGH HE’S SUCH A CHILD AND ALSO GETTING MAD WHEN KAJI AND TACHIHARA ARE TOO LOUD

also that part when chuuya was literally holding down akutagawa in the bath and them counting until ten together before he could get out i want to see this animated please

OF COURSE DAZAI WOULD TRY TO HANG HIMSELF IN THEIR ROOM

also ranpo and dazai not agreeing on whether they want the light on or off and kunikida having to stand up and turn the light on or off

maybe... kunikida needs a break?

atsushi going back to the onsen and seeing dazai with his legs sticking out in the water i mean what’s new

but them bonding in the kitchen and dazai making chazuke for atsushi is so beautiful and pure like,,, you can tell dazai has really grown to care for people more

also chazuke sounds really good ngl

idk why but the mafia playing this really common party game while at the same time making it very mafia-heavy is kinda funny 

HIROTSU TELLING A SCARY STORY BUT IT’S JUST HIM BRAGGING IM--

not surprised that higuchi is a sad drunk and i love her so much please protect her

also i finally let myself listen/watch the bungou stray dogs onsen drama cd's AND OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELS ESP RE: CHUUYA AND AKU THAT AHHHH

might compile them into a whole rant post tomorrow after i rewatch---

[fy-soukoku]

I'm actually really curious about your thoughts on Akutagawas mental health after that ask

Well, you asked for it. TIME TO GET DEEP, STRAP YOURSELVES IN BECAUSE I’M NOT GONNA STOP. (Also, sorry it took so long but I just got about four hours of sleep for the first time in a week and I am reaping the benefits.) I’m also going to talk about how Dazai affected Aku, for good and for the worse. Also, a lil bit of why I ship Shin Soukoku. This is also gonna be long, so more under the cut.

Okay, let’s jump into the things we know for sure about Akutagawa’s past - he’s an orphan, with only his little sister to have a close connection to. I can’t say for certain his family had a negative impact, but comparing the RL Akutagawa, (who’s mother went insane shortly after giving birth to him and thus resulted in him being taken away,) I think it’s safe to imagine that his parents may have been unstable and it could have caused an effect. Shit like that can screw you up at a young age. (I know from experience.)

Now, here’s where we get a little bit more context - his life on the streets. More specifically, this passage in the small story about how he meets Dazai:

Here, they’re talking about adults beating him, years of starvation, and even bullying from other kids. Even just taking that, however young Akutagawa was, that can be seriously traumatic. Speaking from some personal experience, (not completely, but a lil bit) he probably had to numb out all of his emotions over time.

Now, people say that you can’t numb out your emotions, but you really can. It’s a form of depression, where everything feels just gray. Your default emotion tends to be, for lack of a better word, sad. This is where I can speak more professionally, as I’ve experienced this for most of my life.

Another factor in his lack of emotion in the early stages of his life could be malnutrition. Not that he’s purposefully not eating, but nonetheless, starvation can lead to numbness in feeling as well as in your stomach when it’s growling. (Once again, speaking from personal experience.)

Right here is where he right out says it. Now, you could make an argument that he’s exaggerating, but there’s just way too many hints of contributing factors for me to believe that it’s false. 

RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT HERE IS WHERE IMMA BOUT TO TAKE THIS.

This is when Akutagawa feels a purpose in his life - to kill. To hurt. To destroy. He’s pissed at the Port Mafia right now, because they just beat what was basically his only family to death right in front of his eyes. The family that he has basically put all responsibility of protecting onto his very own shoulders. And, since children learn from watching, what does he decide?

The only way to express his pain, sorrow, and anger is through violence. 

Which makes me really sad, because there’s a passage in this story that mentions his ability doesn’t just destroy - it can create too.

But he’s only ever used it to attack. For violence. So, that’s what he’s going to do now. He’s going to kill every single one of the people who has hurt his family. This is his purpose now.

But here he goes, literally saying that he doesn’t understand how humans can feel emotions. It’s foreign to him. He didn’t understand why people lived, why humans were allowed to exist, why they kept fighting for a life in a world that is equivalent to hell.

Then Osamu Dazai comes striding in, offering the deaths of these men in exchange for the opportunity to teach Akutagawa. Akutagawa immediately knows who this is - Dazai, the youngest executive in Port Mafia history. He is a god and the devil, he is cool as ice and as terrifying as a raging fire.

He attacks Dazai, who (of course, that little shit) doesn’t even flinch. And then he says, “Is there anything you wish for?”

Akutagawa thinks, and he says, “I want a purpose in life.”

And Dazai says, without hesitation, “I will give you one.”

And Akutagawa feels it, boiling at the very pit of his heart, crawling up his stomach, clawing through his throat - respect. The second emotion he has ever felt, beyond even his most vivid of dreams. Dazai has not only given him purpose, but also new emotions.

(He howls at the sky, and guys that paragraph kills me because he feels anger over the deaths of his former companions. And Dazai drapes his coat over his shoulders and leads him away.)

Okay, now here he goes! He’s got a purpose! Our boy is healthy, right?

NO. 

He still thinks his purpose is to kill. He has no meaning beyond his ability, and here we  have Dazai basically telling him he’s not enough for most four years of his young adult life.

THEN DAZAI FUCKING LEAVES AND JUST… THAT’S NOT OKAY??? He just leaves Akutagawa, (I hc Chuuya trains him, and while he’s not as “cruel” he does challenge him to show emotions and all that uncomfortable shit that no one likes to do.)

And Dazai pulls that, “My new subordinate is way better than you.” And because Akutagawa doesn’t understand how to express emotions properly, he decides the only way for Dazai to accept him is to kill the competition. 

Which is messed up in so many ways, and here we have Dazai probably knowing how he’s just screwed up Akutagawa, which pisses me off. (I know in the end it helped Aku, but seriously Dazai? This is why I love/hate you.)

Then here’s Atsushi - he feels. I know that Atsushi is blue and Akutagawa is red, but for me it’s always been the other way around. Atsushi, despite being so similar to Aku, is his foil in his own way. While Akutagawa knows he has value, though not beyond hurting and killing, he also has little to no emotion beyond anger. With Dazai gone, there’s nobody for him to truly respect. Atsushi, even though he thinks he shouldn’t be alive, is passionate. He’s kind, he’s caring, he’s angry. He loves and he hates with every inch of his being and that’s hard for Akutagawa to comprehend. So, he begins to wonder what about Atsushi is so special that makes him so insignificant.

The main issue is that Akutagawa has difficulty expressing his emotion or connecting with people. His only purpose, (in his eyes) is to hurt others. (Which kills me, because he can create too, which I think him making armour is a good example of) And I don’t really have any official diagnosis to give Akutagawa except severe depression, but knowing what I do about psychology, he maybe has a schizoid personality disorder? Potentially. It’s characterized primarily by lack of social interaction and a difficulty expressing emotion, but that’s not Aku’s main issue so I’m hesitant to say that.

I’m also about to get sappy, because I really think that Atsushi would be good for him - teaching him how to feel. When he tells him Dazai does recognize him and his power, I think something clicked for Akutagawa and made him realize, “Hey, he recognizes me beyond how much damage I can do.”

Atsushi can help him find purpose beyond destruction, like the Detective Agency did for him, and they’ll teach each other oeiokerbfvdjnskmasdkjchrevbdsckmrwrodfrubfhsdjebfndsshinsoukokuapeojsrgihubdvjanfshinsoukokuaweiofbsvdcjnkvshinsoukoku

And that whole “no-killing-me-for-six-months”? I think that’s going to play a big role in Akutagawa’s character. During this time, he might just discover what it truly means to be alive.

And now, a moment of silence to appreciate Aku’s adorable ass freckles and all they shit they have gone through.

[violentruin]

Okay, so I was thinking about how Dazai treated/trained Atsushi vs. Akutagawa. And it got really long.

Akutagawa

The Port Mafia is based on taking. Snatching something, even people’s lives, and making it your own, no matter what the cost is. They are violent people.

Dazai was brought up in an environment like this and wasn’t taught to be warm and loving. He wasn’t trained to be so towards others, either.

When he sees Akutagawa, he knows he’ll belong in the Port Mafia perfectly because of his nature. Akutagawa lived in the slums, at the bottom of the bottom, was vicious and stopped at nothing to get what he needed for himself and those around him.

To get someone like Akutagawa to join the Port Mafia, Dazai knows violence as reparations is best. So he kills the men that murdered Akutagawa’s friends (which what kind of oddly murderous-romantic-gesture is that?) to coerce Akutagawa into being his subordinate.

In all honesty, Dazai could have forced Akutagawa, he has the power, but he doesn’t.

Maybe Dazai saw part of himself in Aku?

Anyway, being nice in the Port Mafia doesn’t fucking fly. But he does give Akutagawa the chance to turn him down, and even warns him that there will be days where Aku will wish he was back in the slums. Akutagawa agrees in the weirdest but most fitting way (apparently he howls? Akutagawa didn’t see himself as human until he felt hatred).

A tip-top executive takes the time, goes out of his way, kills people meant to be under the Port Mafia’s protection, just to please Akutagawa. That and of itself from Dazai is a feat. (You might usually just buy a gotdamn gift or some food for a normal person? Murder would not be necessary??).

Akutagawa was called The Silent Rabid Dog for a reason. Coddling him wouldn’t have worked, speaking to him in niceties for training would have been futile, and Akutagawa wouldn’t have respected him.

In A Heartless Dog, Aku says Dazai gives him his second feeling that he’s ever had, and it’s respect. You can see that Akutagawa uses some of the same words to describe Dazai that have been used to describe himself: bottomless eyes, demonic, heartless, ruthless. Dazai is the embodiment of what Akutagawa wants to be.

Dazai is promoted the same day he goes looking for Akutagawa because as an executive he can take on any subordinate he chooses. He chooses Akutagawa as his first. So, of course, there are many experimental mistakes (as we see it) Dazai makes.

Dazai was only about a year or two older than Akutagawa, Aku describes him as a boy when he sees him. He says Dazai is thin and calls him a youth. Don’t forget that Akutagawa was going to kill Dazai, if not for the nullification ability he has.

Give a young boy who’s ready to die without blinking a reason to live, he’ll see nothing else but the person who saved him. He sees Dazai has some sort of demonic holiness, not even a god would cross his path.

Fast-forward to training. Dazai shoots, kicks, and punches Akutagawa, like really does the kid in. Akutagawa has been warned. I’m sure Dazai has done so more than just that first time they met. But! Dazai does all these things to strengthen Akutagawa because, as Dazai says in one scene, the enemy won’t wait for Akutagawa to get up or recover. He has to learn how to take some really fucking hard hits.

Dazai had to have undergone the same training, seeing that his ability can’t be used to attack. He’s using what he’s learned and what he knows is best. Dazai has a strange knack for knowing what will and won’t work.

When Akutagawa gets back up from every attack Dazai lays on him, you can see that he’s pleased, and he might even tell him “good.” Praise wasn’t a spoken factor, which probably wasn’t a part of Dazai’s training either.

Praise is reflected in the amount of fear inflicted upon enemies and the reputation given to you throughout Yokohama. When you look at it, Dazai broke and shaped Akutagawa into someone who could disobey Mori’s orders and get away with it because it benefited the Port Mafia in the end, even though most of Akutagawa’s motives were for himself.

Akutagawa becomes a mirror of Dazai, maybe stronger. The most feared man in Yokohama, even the Agency likes to steer clear of him.

For all the pain Dazai inflicts on him, it’s for good reason. He wants his first subordinate to survive, so he grinds Akutagawa into dust and builds him back up from the ashes. If it’s going to be anyone, it’ll be him doing it so no one else will be able to. The Port Mafia is a dog-eat-dog world and Dazai intends for his dog to prevail (and he does).

For dogs the most vital aspect of their lives is the person who takes them in, gives them reason to live. Dazai is that person to Akutagawa, the Port Mafia’s dog. Without all that ruthless training and showcasing of violence, Akutagawa wouldn’t have respected (loved) Dazai at all. He wouldn’t be at the height he is.

Atsushi  

The Agency is about giving, helping out those in need. They don’t use violence unless it’s needed. The complete opposite of the Port Mafia.

Here, Dazai does a complete 360. In the sense that he isn’t as serious and savage. He does have his times when people notice that look in his eye.

I like to assume that Dazai knew that Atsushi was the tiger way before he physically encountered him. Dazai has had to track people down before, for sure, and he has that strange knack for knowing things.

Dazai lures Atsushi in with the promise of food (like normal people). He’s eccentrically goofy in front of Atsushi, giving the boy a sense of security to let his guard down completely.

Dazai probably had it in the works to take on the tiger before he even said it aloud after nullifying Atsushi’s ability.

Onto training and how Dazai treats Atsushi. He doesn’t get physical the same way he did with Akutagawa because the Agency isn’t that type of organization.

He does let Atsushi go on that, seemingly, small mission with Naomi and Tanizaki. Dazai knows Higuchi isn’t who she says she is, knows who she works for, and knows Akutagawa would be out to get Atsushi. Dazai knows how violent it could get, is going to get, but let’s Atsushi get a taste of what it’s like out there.

Letting him see his new companions possibly die (like Aku did) and having to fight off someone like Akutagawa is a warning within itself, unsaid. There will be days when you wish you were back in the slums. Even though the Agency is unlike the Port Mafia, Atsushi will encounter gruesome fights (his leg gets torn off) and barbaric people.

Dazai’s training for Atsushi is to let him waddle off into the the world and experience it for himself, while keeping an eye on him, or someone else from the Agency to do so. (In the Port Mafia he had to keep Akutagawa in check all on his own for various reasons).

He is gentler with Atsushi because the tactics he used with Akutagawa won’t fly, not only because that’s not how it works in the Agency, but because it won’t work correctly. Atsushi is an anxious mess already because the people in the orphanage belittled him at every turn, Dazai can’t use that.

He might also be learning from his mistakes with Akutagawa (he’s dependent and his loyalty to Dazai is a weakness, as seen when he jumped for the earpiece just to speak to him). Dazai doesn’t want Atsushi to become entangled so deeply with him like that and become a liability.

Dazai does throw Atsushi’s limp body away in the first episode (as Dazai also leaves Chuuya behind after using Corruption because maybe after Oda, anything akin to a dead male body? He doesn’t want to hold it). And he slaps Atsushi to knock him out of his self-pity trance after Q uses his ability on him.

Dazai isn’t one to show affection to his subordinates and the slap he delivers to Atsushi is one of the first traces of like…his past self in a way? He’s never laid a hand on Atsushi that way before and his demeanor in that moment reminds me of his Dark Era days. If Akutagawa had broken down like that, Dazai might have punched him. But, once again, he takes a different route that both suits Atsushi’s soft nature and gets his point across.

Dazai lets Atsushi take baby steps and the community in the Agency also “raises” him.

With Akutagawa, Dazai was young with other troubling responsibilities and had to quickly teach his subordinate for use, all at the same time. Also, the Port Mafia is about being ruthless, so he had to keep nurturing that part within Akutagawa.

Overall, Akutagawa was taken in by Dazai at a crucial time in his youth, and formed an attachment to Dazai because of it. They were both too young for what they were going through, and Dazai could have gone lighter on Akutagawa, but Akutagawa wouldn’t have wanted him to, Dazai’s brutality is one of the reasons Akutagawa looks up to him.

All he wants is recognition, not a lighter kick to the gut, and Dazai knew this. If he had been gentle with Akutagawa, he wouldn’t have survived in the Port Mafia, probably would have been killed. Dazai knew what he was doing and knew it needed to be done if he wanted Akutagawa to survive and hone his skill.

I’d say Dazai approved of Akutagawa before he met him. He just wanted to sharpen his skills and being gentle wasn’t the way to do that, or to earn Akutagawa’s respect. Dazai was impressed with Akutagawa from the first time they met, a second too late and Akutagawa might have just killed, or maimed, Dazai. Atsushi tells him that his mentor recognized Akutagawa a long time ago. Dazai would have killed him otherwise.

But Dazai being Dazai, he doesn’t know how to be affectionate. He didn’t grow up around affectionate people. Reading A Heartless Dog,  it seems to be heavily implied that Akutagawa is a younger, mirror image of Dazai. I mean, how cute (and sad) is that?

Atsushi lived his life in a cold home, berated each day. He’s timid because he had structure and rules, but grew without seeing his own worth. Dazai adapts to this, and I don’t think Fukuzawa (or Oda because he loved orphans) would approve of him training Atsushi the way he did Aku (which Oda probably told him to go easy on the kid at some point), and because of Fukuzawa, Atsushi can control his abilities. He just needed to believe in himself. Akutagawa had to learn how to hone and control his own ability through himself and Dazai’s rigid structure.

I love Akutagawa and Atsushi lots and lots, and I just wanted to study this. I didn’t read the manga. I’ve only watched the anime and read Akutagawa’s side story, A Heartless Dog. Feel free to correct me on certain things or if I need to add stuff.