#and enzo was all 'oh my god i would never kill you for being gay i'm not a homophobe i'll kill you bc i'm certifiable'

[mermaidsirennikita]

every time Kings of Italy mentions Enzo D'Agostino effectively making his mafia money through Nigerian prince scams I have to stop reading for 30 seconds and Ponder

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Too Much Shit For One Man to Kick

In which Emma’s heart grows three sizes.

Broadcast date: Monday 4/Tuesday 5 September 2017

Now that I've torn myself away from the combination of Destiny 2 and trying to fix my phone, it's time for MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!: The Nacreous Gem Around The Intrusive Sand Of Roman Reigns Trying To Cut A Promo

trialling a new slogan

daniel's uncle's idea

apparently owning the building means you can give production advice

price of free offices, i guess

anyway, i'm like 70% sure he doesn't read these, so i can say whatever

but yes, the actual show

the bright orange blur in this tumbnail suggests we may be hearing from one mr cena

straight in on a recap video of the contract signing from last week

only presumably without cena kicking a hole in the fourth wall like the fucking shockmaster

also they've edited it to remove roman forgetting how to english

some damn good promos, though

i'm just loving all the shots of kurt in the background gawking like oh god what have i wrought

oh, apparently this is labour day

you'll pardon me for not exactly giving a shit

and we're in omaha

and here's the cena himself

here to cene all over us

oh, apparently we're just kicking straight into a match

and booker's back

i never thought i'd be glad to hear that slurred bullshit

and here comes jason jordan and his dodgy synth music

here to fight cena for unspecified reasons

oh, so we can play the clip of cena debuting against kurt 15 years ago

back when he was ruthlessly aggressive

who doesn't love cross-generational parallels

omaha is super behind cena, possibly for his music containing actual instruments and vocal tracks recorded at the same time

jason goes straight into the amateur mat game, which is not exactly cena's forte

lots of lingering hugs

i think booker just managed to get jason and cena mixed up, but let's be real, i wasn't listening

my mind just levels out everything booker says into a kind of mealy blur

but hey, that's better than the unignorable shittiness of the jerry

(my favourite kundera book)

cena gets a comeback phase, including whipping jason so hard he also faceplanted himself into the mat

that seems poorly thought out

tries to deploy his five moves, jason manages to counter out my backflipping out of a suplex and dropkicking him

fuck you, cruiserweight division

jason takes a five knuckle shuffle, then counters an aa into an indescribably weird rollup

takes an stf for ages, then reverses into a crossface/chinlock thing

cena says fuck you, i'm john cena, stands up out of it and goes for another aa

jj counters out into a beautiful rolling double nothern lights suplex

straps come down, jj unleashes his true power level

and immediately eats an aa for the pin

way to disprove roman's argument that cena buries young talent

oh hye, speaking of

-slips into pre-emptive coma-

and  he's got a mic

fantastic

roman's like why the fuck did that take you 20 minutes that guy's been on the show for like a month

roman really needs to work out what point he's making

so yeah, argument today is that cena's not as great as he thinks he is

and is a lion

fake-ass little bitch

"Roman, I'd say I'm happy to see you, but...I'm disgusted by your whole face."

cena is all out of shits to give

like stop trying to use your brain, it's not your thing

cena immediately addresses roman's inconsistent point

and that his fly is open

which roman turns into lol cos i'm the big dog

ew

men

and cena counters with a balls joke, and roman with a gay joke

fuck's sake, guys

there's a bar, at least make a cursory effort to get over it

cena takes it to roman for having everything handed to him, like damn dude i fucking hate the miz but at least he works for his shots

this is all true

cena's mostly just exasperated

like damn dude, get a clue

so roman's like hey if you want to beat me up let's do that

roman, stop being smug

or just, yknow, go away

cena does not beat him up, so roman's like hey fuck you dude and walks off

that worked, i guess

but later, we apparently have braun/show in a cage

so we can play the gif of those two crushing the ring

also later jeff hardy has an ic title match

but now, enjoy this advert for total bellas

or don't, very much up to you

but now, here come the not-shield

entering to dean's intro

they're gonna be on announce for slater and rhyno vs the kkb

seth and dean should totally rebrand as the sword

god, i love that they've managed to get a dragon ball reference into their entrance

dean's like welp, that's a great entrance,can't take that away from them

confirmation that we've got their title rematch at no mercy

dean goes off on a tangent about jurassic park and getting your face eaten by velociraptors

seth starts giggling

send for the man

corey asks if seth and dean are getting on as a team, dean's like eh, i've had five years to punch this guy in the face, i'm kind of over it by now

back in the ring, heath slater is getting the fuck kicked out of him

but then, that's what he does

inevitable hot tag so rhyno can get some offence in

and then eat a brogue for the pin

dean starts talking smack on the bar, then he's like well we're the bar now hey we should steal their name

dean talks like he fights

cesaro and sheamus do their fusion dance in the ring, and i'm like 90% sure their fusion would be goro from mortal kombat

although more the plasticine fantasticine version from the film, tbh

that's science right there

toasty

cut back to the announce team, where seth and dean have evaporated

and they talk to book about the hurricane

briefly

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

matt breaks in with a semi-broken accent

crowd goes mental

and jeff's like yuuuup gonna win this or get myself killed with the FIRE THAT BURNS WITHIN ME

man can preach

so that's next, i think?

after this ad for randy/shinsuke on smackdown

insert comment about what competition means

and here comes the match

starting with the hardyz

jeff's wearing a connor's cure tabard over all his other clothes, and seriously, i think the man has a problem

it also makes it very hard for him to rock out to their music

cole makes a reference to them wanting to delete paediatric cancer

well played

and enter the miztourage

maryse has a new vest/pvc leggings/sparkly knee boots combo, and as ever, i want it

also perilously close to real human clothes

apparently it's just over 10 years since jeff had the ic belt

bell rings, jeff goes straight for a rollup because fuck wrestling

miz cowers against the ropes like please mr hardy don't beat me

and uses it to throw jeff out to his cronies

a scheme

who would have thought

back in the ring, jeff just punches the hell out of miz's oh-so-punchable face

whisper in the wind for a nearfall

it's taken this long for jeff to jump off something, he must be taking it seriously

sets up for a swanton, bo distracts the ref so curtis can pull jeff off the turnbuckle

sparks a brawl outside the ring, ref is just like fuck this noise all three of you can fuck off

matt is deeply offended like how could you do this to me i was defending my brother's honour

miz counters out of jeff's crotch leg drop, which is good to see, because it is such a trivially easy move to counter

this match is actually p good

it's been like 60% reversals

maryse is still at ringside, which can't possibly be foreshadowing anything

ooh, she's gone with acid-green nails as well

maryse is just my style icon

(as if you didn't know)

miz pulls jeff off the apron, then collapses against the barricade in fornt of a small child in a cena shirt who's like um what

miz gets a figure four one, jeff just goes to counter by punching miz in the face

makes sense when you think about it

eventually gets to the ropes

then hits miz with a stunner, nearfall when miz gets the rope

live by the rope break...

miz crawls out of the ring while the ref shouts at jeff, then immediately eats a baseball slide

and then poetry in motion off the steps

kind of feeling sorry for miz atm

he's bumping like a demon

maryse pulls her husband out fo the way of a swanton, leaving jeff to fuck himself upon the mat

goes for a twist of fate, miz counters into a finale for the pin

damn good match, solid finish

but now, women do things

or so i am assuming by this recap package of banks/bliss

oh yeahb, and nia's inevitable betrayal

announcement: sasha has her rematch at no mercy

and now nia accosts kurt backstage

she's not impressed that she doesn't get a title shot

and emma interrupts to talk about her twitter analytics

she also wants a title shot

nia's just like fuck off or i will actually break you

kurt holds them apart, and hatches a plan

nia/emma v sasha/alexa tonight

if the undercarders win, he'll make the title match a four-way

foreboding shot of the cage, insistent mentions of the ring being reinforced

and have some more recap videos of brig showman fucking the ring

never noticed how hard the ref bumps to the outside when it happens

caught it now, of course, because they've replayed the clip from SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN FUCKING ANGLES

but now it's time for cruiserweights to not get an intro

dar, nese and gulak already in the ring

and cedric and gran metalik get to enter with enzo, because seriously, nobody's getting a fucking intro

except enzo, who's brought a mic as usual

enzo tries to spin cheating to win matches as some kind of god-given right because it gets you wins

babyface?

despreately hypes 205 like please watch my show

he introduces cedric and metalik in the shittiest way possible

i spoke too soon, his smacktalk introductions for the other three are even worse

match kicks off with cedric/tony doing the cruiserweightiest wrestling ever

and enzo tags himself in to ruin everything

drew tags in to kick a non-trivial amount of shit out of enzo

not all of it, of course

the man contains too much shit for one man to kick

the heel team start doing rolling tags to take turns fucking up enzo's shit

and then they all just cruiserweight over everything and i can no longer narrate

stereo topes from cedric and metalik, during which enzo tags himself in because he's a twat

and then sticks a thumb in drew's eye to get his stupidly-named finish for the pin

the alleged faces celebrate as drew's outside with his friends like aaaaaaaaaaa i am blind

end segment

and now alexa collars sasha in the locker room to bitch about their opponents tonight

alexa has a cancer shirt too because she's a face by default tonight

this conversation quickly turns into a huge row

that match'll go well

up next, finn bálor wears a shirt

boo

and an advert for the myc, which continues to be great

and here comes everyone's favourite irish possible serial killer

-does the arms-

goes 'this is bálor club' like he's introducing his new talk show

waxes lyrical on his previous titles and how bray wyatt's a dick

finn has chosen his fate

or possibly faith?

this just in, he has an irish accent

calls bray out, immediate wyatt cut

and now we're in the void with bray

talking about learning to hunt as a kid

and the day he decided to stop using a bow and just kill things with his bare hands

i think we could have all filled in that backstory, tbh

taunts finn for only being able to beat him using the demon as his weapon, rather than doing it with his own power and will

and obliquely challenges him for no mercy

finn starts shouting back at him, which is a rarity for these segments

bray calls finn a rabbit, wyatt cut, end thing

so yeah, bray v human!finn for no mercy, presumably

oh hey, more ads for smackdown and total bellas

and now it's women's tag time

cole claims total bellas stars alexa bliss, corey's like um dude that's just a lie

she is here though

this much is true

oh my god i had forgotten how fucking angry i was about emma's new music

although that said, i think it's changed again

it's still not as good as her proper music, but better than last week

cfo$ are clearly going through a weird phase atm

corey is critiquing emma's hashtag efficiency

someone had to

the basic theme if this match thus far is 'tagging yourself in for giggles'

my inner bitch is loving the reluctant passive-aggressive teamwork in this match

(also my outer bitch)

(aka me)

as the smaller woman in the team, emma is performing her proper function of getting fucked on relentlessly

this rule does not apply to alexa, because her rage gives her virtual height

she's like one of those tiny dogs that will FUCKING HAVE YOU

emma finally gets a tag to nia, alexa gets a chance to vent at her

and get creamed

eats a big-ass samoan drop, sasha breaks up the pin after a moment of internal conflict

gets the tag, shining wizard for a nearfall

emma blind tags, nia leg drops sasha, emma gets the pin

i'll be honest, i was not expecting that

four-way should be good, though

emma celebrates extravagantly in the middle of the ring, nia's like um

and samoan drops her

nia will also fucking have you

back to the ambiguous backstage room, where renee has acquired a braun

asks what he's thinking before his first cage match

he's like really what the fuck was kurt thinking, this match might hurt me before my title match at no mercy but will definitely hurt company property

the man does a surprisingly good promo

but up next, seth and dean are back

their walk backstage is briefly interrupted  by elias thrashing out a new song

long beat as they just kind of stand there like what's up with this guy, then shrug and carry on, dean playing along on the air

but next, they fight the good brothers

after these ads for every show we make

back from ads, sheamus and cesaro are in the ring arguing with gallows and anderson for some reason

who am i kidding, you don't need a reason to bitch on those guys

seth and dean still using dean's intro

like, if you're going to just use one, seth's is way better

BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

ref eventually manages to usher the kkb out of the ring, match can commence

sheamus and cesaro seem to have settled on just sarcastically applauding from ringside

someone needs to get them popcorn

this match is a little formulaic, but damn do i love how in sync seth and dean still are as a team

seth/dean v jordan/gable v gargano/ciampa v dawson/wilder

give them a whole show, best tag match possible

as opposed to this particular long-ass superplex setup that didn't even work

dean counters a chokeslam into a dropkick, which is p cool

seth gets the hot tag, commences to jump off every goddamn rope before braun and show fuck them up

dean tries to join in, does a shitty suicide dive

seth hits a lovely top-rope frankensteiner on anderson, the kkb try to interfere, seth gets the pin anyway because they're just that good

and then the good brothers take sheamus and cesaro out while they're distracted

they take a long moment to consider their options, then go back to the ring to fuck up anderson and gallows

and now here's the connor's cure video basically the same as last year, because history and cancer haven't changed much

and they've got the wwe makeup department in to give kids superstar redesigns

that's kind of sweet

and steph giving them all hype ring announcements is cute

dammit, i've fallen for a cute ill kids advert

and they brought alexa, miz, and finn

which seems like a super weird collection

to inspire these kids with cancer, we've brought our resident bitch, a self-important asshole, and a guy who draws power from being possessed by a demon

perfect sense

but up next, main event time

but first, cruiserweight recap vt?

because now we see enzo and his mates in the locker room being annoying

cue sarcastic clapping from neville

and news that those three have all qualified for a five-way elimination match for a title shot at no mercy

neville sows dissesnsion with a few ominous geordie words

closeups of techs reinforcing the ring

and now charly interviews the ref from the ring explosion match, of all people

oh, apparently the ring's double reinforced

not just reinforced

fancy

he's like welp this match is gonna be carnage i'm just going to focus on dodging

and now renee gives big show a hype chat

gah, i'd forgotten his new hairlessness

come on show, give us a YOUUUUU DID THISSSSS TOOO MEEEEEEEEEE

Shockingly, Giant Baby Show says Braun ain’t shit

the dramatic climax of the promo is just show telling us his own nickname

you know how i said braun could promo surprisingly well?

well...not that

seriously guys, how many ads do we need for total bellas?

it's back

we know

ad for 205, in which we learn that the other two slots in the 5-way are kendrick and nese, for no adequately established reason

wait, has anyone seen kurt and show at the same time?

feels like we might have a dr angle and mr show thing going on

corey just referred to braun as "the steam-breathing monster"

um

i have no clue what to say to that

is he coal-powered?

bell rings, braun kicks show in the face

ha

and starts bodychecking him into the cage

weirdly, it goes wrong on the fourth one

show counters with a magic fist, doesn't climb the cage for some reason, cut to ads

cut back and nothing at all has happened

ecept show is now taking his turn to throw his opponent into the cage walls

show starts climbing, braun follows

weird scale going on, since they can both stand on the top rope and touch the top of the cage

show gets crotched really hard

guys, stop doing that spot

it is not good for you

show sets up on the top rope, everyone goes wtf

and does an elbow drop for the first time in like two decades

doesn't connect properly, but still a good moment

goes for the pin, braun kicks out at two because fuck you i'm braun strowman

show crawls for the door, braun walks over, grabs it, and hits show in the face with it

then braun tries to walk over show to get the door himself, and show does eexactly the same thing back to him

see, that was just dumb

braun kind of wanders into a chokeslam, then counters into a ddt for a nearfall

few spots later, show manages to land the chokeslam, braun kicks out because see the above re: fuck you

show goes for a magic fist, braun counters into a powerslam, show counters out and throws braun into the wall

show goes for the climb, followed by braun

gets his chest over the top before braun drags him back down because NOT FINISHED WITH YOU

i have never seen big show on the top rope this much before

braun gets a superplex in, the double reinforcement does its job

still a hell of a crash

and running powerslam for the pin

okay, i'm not usually one for large man punch fights, but that was actually really good

braun looms ominously over his fallen foe, then somehow acquires a mic

calls out brock to see big show's corpse as an object lesson

long ominous beat, then tells big show it's time to go to pasture, picks him up, and powerslams him through one wall of the cage

crowd goes wild

next time they should maybe think about also double reinforcing the cage

show lies on the broken cage wall going aaaa i'm dying, braun stalks off and roars, end show

in all senses

right, well, i've got some bad news

the horizontal line's off in Marbella this week, so we're gonna have to roll straight on

-checks the list of test slogans again-

MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!: Takes Hotter Than Your Dad.

i swear, the things i do so we can have somewhere to record this show that's only occasionally filled with vengeful woodland animals

so yes, the raccoon incident aside, let's watch mackdown

or indeed smackdown

mackdown is the wrestling dating sim i am now going to have to make

opening on a weirdly-saturated recap package of the orton/nakamura situation

the worst holmes story

and yes, the best thing about smackdown today

i'd had it spoiled, but still

JBL IS FUCKING GONE

he's off to do charity work, so we get the double whammy of disadvantaged kids getting support and me not having to listen to his voice

and they've replaced him with corey, making pretty much the ideal announce panel

Tom: "Did you miss me, Graves?" Corey: "Yes!" Tom: "I...am surprised!"

i live for these two talking shit

so yes, orton/nakamura tonight for a title shot at hiac

and here's randy, standing in three-quarter profile in a dimly lit corridor

yknow, like people do

and giving a speech about how he' gonna fuck shinsuke up

cut to shinsuke shadow boxing in the locker room

tells us about how he's gonna fuck randy up, i mostly get distracted by his left shoulder, which i hadn't noticed before

it's kind of fucked

i'm guessing that's a dislocation that healed weird

cut to the ring, and ellsworth announces his bae

only to be interrupted by...kevin?

he's decided he's going to be guest referee for carmella's match with nattie

begins trying to intimidate the ref into taking his shirt off

here's shane

who may have opinions on this fuckery

takes a moment for a cheap pop before getting into professional mode

he's just like kevin

dude

sort your shit out

long tense faceoff

shane's like maybe take responsibility for all these failures which are in all ways your fault

kevin's like fuck you i don't even want to be on this show

shane's like well yeah, cos this isn't the bullshit show where we just give people belts

kevin calls shane out on him needlessly inserting himself into eveything on the show

mentions his dad, gets an ooooooh, mentions his kids, shane immediately gets in his face like fuck you

kevin spins the helicopter crash into this, says his family would all be better off if he'd died there

mentions his kids again, shane explodes on him

well, he did warn him

trips getting out of the ring, killing the moment a bit

throws kevin over the announce table and just absolutely goes to town on him

security pull them apart, bryan turns up to be like the fuck are you doing dude that's an employee

and give the most disapproving dad look you've ever seen

and...cut to an ad for total bellas

way to maintain the mood, guys

and recaps of what happened thirty seconds ago

in which they've edited out shane tripping

ha

backstage, kevin staggers through the room supported by three officials

bryan comes out to apologise

kevin promises to sue shane, wwe, and the entire mcmahon family

bryan's like wow, that seems wildly disproportionate

kevin's like fine, i'll go press assault charges insteads

cut back to announce, corey and byron are both like well he totally deserved that

but yes, now we actually have that carmella/nattie match

recap from last week reminds me precisely how fucking awful carmella's singlet was

thankfully, she's back to normal gear today

provided you count bright orange leggings with leopard-print piping as normal

announce team start spinning next week's 'Sin City Smackdown'

carmella gets her face punched off, retreats to her ellsworth

pan out to naomi watching the match with a look of deep concentration as carmella does a long-ass guillotine choke

nattie powerslams her out, gets a comeback

carmella superkicks nattie, gets a nearfall, ellsworth gives the ref the briefcase

carmella's like wtf no i'm not cashing in give my that back, throws it at ellsworth, and gets rolled up for the pin

ellsworth comes back into the ring to apologise profusely

carmella starts being all magnanimous, then opens up on him

including using the same line twice

calls him a 'genetic defect'

and asks how he's still employed at wwe

really, the question we were all asking

"You are a charity case, and your mother should have given you away at birth!"

wow

harsh

and officially dumps him

takes her case, struts off

leaving james in the ring and the depths of despair

backstage, here's shane looking conflicted

up next, dolph ziggler re-debuts

i have no clue how this is going to go

expect everything

after these ads for the myc and no mercy

and tom giving us a talk about paediatric cancer

roll the video again

refer to my comments above

well, that gave me plenty of time to curate my itunes library

fringe benefits

and here's the dolph

looking...exactly the same

he's got a mic

presumably to tell the fans to go fuck themselves

yup

railing at the fans for not appreciating the greatest performer in the company

and they'd prefer some dumb gimmick

lights go back down, and here he is again

doing cena's entrance

all credit to the crowd for the DOLPH ZIGGLER SUUUUUUUCKS singalong

dolph's like hey, did that not work? i'll try another

lights go down again, and now he's...who had land of hope and glory?

-research break-

yeah, thought it was him

dude, if you're gonna do a macho man entrance, you could at least have the shades

gives up on it, shouts at the crows for not doing the usual nostalgia pop

sends his valet away

and now he promises to have exactly what the crowd want and deserve

and...now he's naomi

the fuck is this

does the knee slide, then gives up

all gimmicks are defeated by ennui

and now he's back to railing against the idea of gimmicks, because anyone can do them

says he, after clearly showing that not everyone can dance like naomi

tells the fans they make him sick, stomps off backstage

so that happened?

up next, sami zayn v aiden english

because this is 2014 nxt, apparently

aiden gets about one line into his aria before sami's music interrupts him

oh yeah, this is the rematch from last week when kevin fucked on everything

and aiden gets a rollup out of nowhere

that lasted about 90 seconds

the bookers have some sort of problem with sami

and aiden's got his mic back

so he can give us some more singing

swiftly tailing off as sami chases him out of the room

let's have yet another recap of shane brutalising an employee

pan out to bryan rewatching it

only to get interrupted by the new day

here to lift his spirits

oh, and here are the usos

to do the opposite

announcing the stipulation for next week

street fight

which seems ill-advised when you're fighting a team of three

bryan gets a call, ushers the new day out

someone bryan calls 'sir' (so vince) wants him to do something in the ring

i know what, because i have a dreadful habit of going on twitter and getting spoilers, but i'll maintain the mystery for now

bryan disagrees, is shut down

and he's going to do............IT right now

(couldn't resist)

and here he is in the arena

gets in the ring, calls shane to come too

he doesn't

finally, here he comes

with nary a HERE COME THE MONEYYYYYYY

not sure i've ever seen either of these this sombre

bryan's like remember last year when the miz was pushing me every week and i made the bold choice to NOT FUCKING ATTACK HIM?

bottom line, you can't assault our employees

fair policy

shane's like yeah sorry but when people talk about my family i go crazy

bryan's just i don't give a single shit you've endangered this entire show because we both know kevin's a vindictive bastard who'll take us for everything

shane offers to go and reconcile with kevin

bryan's like no, i talked to your dad, you're suspended indefinitely

and leaves

shane's left in the ring like welp

why would you leave him there if he was suspended?

eh, wrestling logic

many crowd chants later, shane slumps off

gets a lot of thank you chants for a man who's just been suspended for attacking an employee

and now renee is in the blue curtain room to interview jinder

in an ugly-ass houndstooth suit

asks which guy he'd rather fight, he doesn't give a shit

claims he represents asia better than shinsuke ever could, despite shinsuke actually being from fucking asia

does the promo again in punjabi to speak to 3% of the great nation of india

back in the arena, aj's on announce

to talk about paediatric cancer

(i feel like i'll be writing that phrase a lot in the next few weeks)

and here's baron

sidebar fact: "Won the Money In The Bank ladder match earlier this year"

guys, maybe stop reminding people of that

recap vt of styles/dillinger last week

and of baron being a tool

i feel like i might need to specify that more

and here's tye

and they haven't synced his music with his new tron, so the sexy number voice says 10 when the video's on about 6

kind of love the KO'S A BITCH sign in the crowd

works on many levels

baron slides out of the ring to face off with aj, so tye just jumps out and fucks him up against the barricade

solid advice: maybe keep an eye on the other guy in the match

cut to ads, come back to a really slick spot of baron lariating tye's head off

tye tries to set up for the tye breaker, is thwarted by his opponent being large and heavy

and baron continues to stop having the match he's actually having so he can shout at aj

and i love the complete lack of shit aj gives

baron scores a cheap shot to tye's throat, angering aj, and end of days for the pin

actually a pretty good match

you forget that tye's got a lot of skill in the ring

aj is shocked at baron's lack of honour

because he doesn't watch the show, i guess

up next, "a special look at bobby roode"

ok, whoever edited it to go directly from saying that to a total bellas advert needs firing

backstage, aj congratulates tye on his fight and says next week, the us open challenge will only be open to him

dude

that's not an open challenge

that's just a challenge

and now for a bobby roode video package

enhanced by corey being on this show now so he can run hype for him

and now we're backstage with ellsworth pleading for carmella to forgive him

and being like yes i'm subhuman and i don't deserve anything please take me back

this is not healthy

carmella says from now on, they're doing things her way

gives him a huge kiss, then slaps his face off

flounces off, leaving ellsworth to be like the actual fuck is my life

but now we have a main event

here comes the very finest in flailing japanese men

and adverts for all our other shows

and also a fucking snaaaaaaake

loving the contrast of entrances

incredibly theatrical alien dance vs walking slowly down the ramp

cut over to jinder and the singhs in his skybox

tom mispronounces kinshasa even before the bell rings

this is why we got corey on here

whoever you are trying to get your MAGA sign to constantly show up on hardcam, kindly fuck off

randy does a massive hotshot, aided by shinsuke being an extremely floppy man when he wants to be

randy goes for his draping ddt out to the floor, shinsuke reverse out because that would be dangerous as fuck if he hit it

throws shinsuke into the announce desk, corey's like this is the worst first day ever

shinsuke just decides to get a comeback spot like oh hey maybe i should just kick him in the face a bunch

superplex to shinsuke, and the setup only took a small percentage of my life this time

lovely spot as shinsuke's reeling on his knees then just leans back into doing his cmoooooooon

goes for a kinshasa, randy counters into a snap powerslam

into a draping ddt, because you know randy's spots

strikes up the snake, which is still weird when your whole thing is hitting it out of nowhere

goes for an rko, shinsuke counters into an armbar then transitions to a triangle

that was fucking lovely

randy powers out, shinsuke counters an rko into a backstabber

see, this is how you preserve finishers

and kinshasa for the pin

oh, sorry corey

KINSHAAAAAASSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAA

(totally why corey's here)

well thank fuck for that, i'm not sure i could have taken another orton/mahal rematch without taking up amateur tattooing or something

backstage, bryan tells kevin they're done

kevin's like fuck that, imma run the show next week

and bryan drops the bomb that vince'll be there next week to sort shit out

great

ah well

and brief cut back to shinsuke partying so we have something to end on

and thus we finish the week's shows

by which i do of course mean last week's shows

one day i'll actually get my shit together and be punctuahahahahaaaa sorry i couldn't get through that

[Don’t forget to follow Emma on Twitter, where she’s @Waruce]

[5hfanfiction]

Dash Into My Heart - 2

Vero unsurprisingly finds it hilarious when you text her later saying you ended up following your dad’s not-as-stupid-as-initially-thought advice.

[Vero]: WAIT U ACTUALLY ASKED HER BY SAYING SO U COULD PROVE UR NOT PSYCHO????

[Vero]: UR FIRST DATE WITH HER AND U GOTTA PROVE UR NOT DANGRROUS

[Vero]: IM W H E E Z I N G

You don’t get the chance to correct her in saying that it’s not a date. She sends you a seventeen second voice note and it’s literally just her laughing and you make sure to leave her on read for the rest of the night.

There are multiple messages congratulating you for not being as useless of a lesbian as before (which you strongly refute because you weren't entirely useless). They turn into messages of indignation when she realizes you really aren’t going to text back. You stop checking your phone entirely when she resorts to sending you gifs of Kim Kardashian crying.

The next morning rolls around and you’re kind of… giddy? In the least, you’re unusually chipper for someone who hates the mornings and you’re glad your parents have already left for work because you’re more than sure they’d tease you to no end. You obsessively check the time, even when you know that hardly any time has passed since the last time you checked but you at least finally text Vero back.

[Lauren]: sorry I was sleep

[Vero]: since 7 pM????

[Vero]: unlikely

[Vero]: guess u were right

[Vero]: friendship cancelled

[Lauren]: help me pick out an outfit for lunch?

[Vero]: friendship MOMENTARILY resumed

You laugh because neither of you could get rid of each other even if either of you tried. She’s been your best friend since you two could walk and you’re both practically family at this point.

[Lauren]: thoughts?

    [Vero]: more like THOTs

[Vero]: ur really not going for subtle huh hoe-regui?

[Vero]: I support it

[Lauren]: ok so I’m changing

[Vero]: unfortunate

[Lauren]: this one?

[Vero]: screams broody hipster

[Vero]: “u prolly nevr heard of my fave band theyre really underground. theyre called the 1975”

[Lauren]: I’m going to ignore that and take my chances with broody hipster

[Vero]: not the worst choice to have made mija

[Lauren]: gee thanks ma

[Vero]: anything to help you impress your new lady friend :)

You roll your eyes at all of Vero’s responses, putting your phone away and checking your outfit once again in the mirror. Not that you’re trying to impress her though. You just want to look… non-threatening. And Camila is like, really pretty, so you want to not look like a hobo next to her. All this fluttering you’re feeling is just insanely high attraction. Yeah, that’s it.

You still had an hour to kill so you figure taking Dash out for a walk would be a good way to pass the time. You smile at all the breaks he seems to need to take because however much energy he has, his legs are just too short to keep up with all of it. He completely tires himself out after about half an hour and finally he just lays himself down under the shade of a tree and you just glare at him with your hands on your hips.

“Really? You’re gonna crap out on me now? We’re literally two blocks from the house, you lazy bum.” There’s no harshness to your tone because Dash is your lil baby and he could do no wrong even if he tried. He’s cute enough to get away with just about anything. So after another minute of him just laying there and blinking at you, you finally scoop him up in your arms and make your way back to the house.

You don’t expect to run into Camila again because it’s a quarter to noon and you wouldn’t think she’d be home yet. Except she’s currently in her driveway, arms resting on the open window of a car with a boy in it. They’re clearly talking and you hear them both laugh as your legs carry you closer. You don’t mean to stare but it’s hard not to because Camila’s back is turned to you and she has to bend over to lean on the car and- look, you can’t really stop your eyes from seeing it so you go ahead and sneak a look.

Your eyes focus back to the boy that Camila’s talking to and you try to stop your face from looking so sour. God, what’s got you all moody? You barely know this girl, she’s not that cute.

(Later you’ll find out that she really is that cute but right now you pretend you have your shit together.)

Still carrying Dash, you’ve made it to your own driveway and try not to pay any mind to Camila and whatever douchenozzle with the mustang that she’s talking to. But of course, Dash notices and barks, squirming in your arms. You set him down and he runs towards Camila, barking lightly in his approach, the younger girl immediately turning around and her face lighting up at the sight of him.

“My sweet baby!” She coos as she kneels to pick him up and Dash is quick to lick her face. You enjoy the laugh that it elicits out of the girl who finally notices you as she situates the dog in her arms.

“Hey Lauren!” Her smile when she sees you is literally so big and you can’t help returning it in kind, giving her a small wave. You hadn’t realized you were making your way towards her until you’re standing a couple feet away from her in her driveway and up close to the car with the boy she was talking to. He’s watching the both of you from the driver’s seat with an easy smile on his face but you insist he’s probably a douche anyways.

“Hey Camila, I see my dog likes you better.” You point at the way Dash is laying in her and arms and tail wagging against her hold. She laughs and kisses the top of his head and you almost audibly ‘aw’ at the sight because holy fuck this girl is cute.

“That’s because I spoil him,” she uses a baby voice as she literally coddles your dog and you hate how you smile as you watch them. It’s fucking adorable, okay?

“Oh, my bad! Lauren, this is Shawn,” she nods her head towards the douchenozzle in the mustang and he gives me a fairly friendly smile that I do my best to return.

“Shawn, this is Lauren. The one I told you about.”

Oh? She’s been talking about you?

“The one with the bat?” Shawn chuckles and you practically shrink because of course that’s why she’s been talking about you.

“I thought you were an intruder!” You insist, smacking Camila’s arm with the back of your hand. She just laughs, sticking her tongue out at you before turning back to Shawn.

“Are we going to hang out this break?”

“Yeah my parents are saving the trip home to Canada for this summer so I’ll be around. Text me whenever you’re free?”

“For sure. Thanks again for the ride home,” Camila nods as her hand scratches behind Dash’s ears. She waves at Shawn as he starts backing out of the driveway, who yells out what you think is a friendly 'nice to meet you’ before driving off. You don’t really want to say the same because 1) you’re officially the girl with the bat and 2) there’s a very petty part of you that wants to monopolize Camila’s time if only to prevent her from spending any of it with him.

Geez what the fuck is wrong with you.

You pull yourself out of your thoughts and face Camila who’s looking at you expectantly.

“So, lunch?”

-

You end up taking her to this Italian place because you thought taking her to your parents restaurant was just a little tacky (but the food would’ve been free so you keep it in mind for future lunches that may happen).

“Wow, you know the way to my heart don’t you?”

“What?” You stare up at Camila with wide eyes because no- that’s not- you aren’t-

“I love pizza, so you’re doing pretty well on the whole 'making it up to me’ front,” Camila gives you an easy smile and you ignore the way it makes you feel.

“That’s good. Now I have to work on convincing you that I’m not dangerous to be around. I promise I’m mostly normal.”

“Well that’s only mostly reassuring then,” she laughs and it does wonders to help calm your nerves.

“Welcome to Enzo’s, my name is Austin and I’ll be- oh! Hey Camila,” the guy who’s approached the table smiles down at the girl sitting in front of you and you do nothing short of glaring at him. Whom the fuck-

“Hey Austin,” Camila greets with a smile of her own. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Yeah, I started a couple of weeks ago.”

“That’s cool, I could never handle being a server. I’d trip and drop everyone’s food, probably.” She jokes easily and you aren’t the biggest fan of the way she smiles at him. He doesn’t even spare you a glance as he starts fawning over Camila. You just keep glaring.

After some more idle chatting that you tune out because this boy’s voice sounds like a drone, Camila reaches for a menu, seemingly to prompt this Austin guy to remember that he’s at work.

“Oh right,” he seems to finally realize that you’re also sitting there. “What can I get you two to drink?”

“Just a water for me,” you say with a clipped tone.

“Water for me too.”

“No problem, I’ll be right back with that.” He smiles brightly at Camila, probably forgetting that you’re also sitting right there.

“I’m sure you will be,” you mutter under your breath.

If Camila heard you, she doesn’t say anything about it. But she does raise an eyebrow at you but you press forward.

“Another one of your suitors?” You try to come off as teasing but you’re worried your tone makes it sound more as petty.

“What do you mean another?” She looks genuinely confused this time.

“That Shawn guy from earlier?”

The look she gives you says hilariously disgusted and you’re kind of relieved.

“Oh god no, Shawn’s great but he’s also painfully in love with his boyfriend. He’s just the Gay Best Friend, y'know. I mean we’re both the gay best friend so, yeah.” She finishes off her mini rambling with a timid smile and she seems too nervous to look at you. You let out a breath of relief because you hadn’t even considered the possibility that she was straight. But apparently, not an issue.

“And Austin?”

“Oh definitely a suitor, but no interest in that. Gay best friend and all.”

As if he’s just waiting around the corner for one of you to mention him, Austin comes back with your drinks and asking for your order. You realize you haven’t looked at the menu once and turn to Camila.

“Just a personal cheese pizza for me.”

“Yeah, for me too.”

“Great, those will be out shortly,” Austin assures the two of you. You hope he’s not around much more, glaring at him the whole time he’s walking away. When you face Camila again she’s smirking at you and you both seem to let the topic of Austin go.

Camila turns out to be easy to talk to, even if she does more of the talking. It’s nice, letting her carry the conversation because now you don’t have to focus on fucking something up by saying something stupid. She asks you about school and she complains about hers. She’s hoping to hear back from UCLA and Berkeley, along with NYU, she’s even applied to Penn State which you get a little more than excited about.

You tell her you’re majoring in business administration with a minor in music production. She practically squeals because she genuinely thinks that’s so cool. You give her a fond smile because hardly anyone is ever really excited about something like your major and it’s like, really nice to witness.

When your food finally arrives, Austin fortunately has more tables to tend to and doesn’t stick around to try and flirt with Camila. You’re entirely prepared to spill your drink on him at any given point.

Just in case.

But you’re soon distracted by how much Camila manages to eat. She’s not a slob in any measure and it’s not as if she inhales her food but- wow she can really put it away. Where does it fucking go? She’s so damn tiny. It’s only a personal size pizza but it’s still a lot for one serving and geez hers is practically gone and you’re still working on yours-

“Does your family have any plans this winter break?” Camila’s voice cuts through your thoughts and you’re momentarily caught off guard.

“Oh uh, I don’t think so? Unless they’re surprising me with something. But they’re pretty busy with the restaurant and I’ll probably end up helping them some weekends.”

“So I’ll be seeing you around during break then?” The way she looks at you when she asks is a little more than curious and you can’t really tell if she’s smiling at you because she took a bite of her pizza after asking. Is she…flirting with you?

“If you want me to be around, I’ll be around,” you say simply. You hope it comes off as reasonably friendly but also potentially flirty. You think it does when she smiles at your answer.

“Only if you’re unarmed.”

“Oh my gaaaahd,” you groan while laying your head down, resting your forehead against the table. “I’m never going to live that down am I?”

You almost bring your head back up at Camila’s laugh, loud and welcoming. Only almost. Because this is still embarrassing.

“Not in the foreseeable future, no.” Camila’s stopped laughing but you can practically hear the smirk in her voice. “I might stick around solely to patronize you about it.”

“If I knew you were such a jerk I wouldn’t have bothered to apologize, y'know.”

“You would’ve just gone ahead and swung, wouldn’t you?”

At this you finally raise your head again to face Camila and she’s still smiling because she’s not quite done laughing at your situation. But her smile is nice so you think it’s fine.

“I probably would’ve swung. Conveniently excused because I thought you were an intruder. Which is true,” you reason. 

“Wow, who’s the bigger jerk here?”

“You! A nice person would’ve understood it was a mistake and that I misread the situation.”

“But it was funny and no harm done so it’s safe to tease,” Camila sticks her tongue out at you before returning to her last slice of pizza.

That’s not how I want you to tease me though.

You shake your head of your thoughts because totally not the time. And definitely not the place.

“You’re an ass. You’re paying for your own food,” you stick your tongue out to her in return.

“Woah hey, I was totally kidding. All jokes are done, no more teasing, I promise!” She gives you a toothy smile that is not at all convincing.

“Unlikely, but okay. Do you have any plans for your break then?” You kind of (really) hope she doesn’t.

“Probably just get dragged to a few parties my friends want to go to.”

“Not into parties?”

Camila scrunches her nose, shaking her head. “Not really. I don’t hate them but I need to really be in the mood for one and when it’s too crowded it stresses me out because I can’t be for sure about an escape route. And also the possibility of getting trampled.”

“I- oh.” It’s all you can say because you weren’t expecting that answer. “Well that makes sense when I think about it. I like parties better when I’m high.”

“Never tried at a party. Maybe I’d like them better if I were high too,” she muses.

“That can be arranged,” you offer. She simply gasps, dramatically clutching her chest.

“First attempted assault and now illegal substance use? You may be mostly normal but you sure are a bad influence, Jauregui.”

“You just said you’d try it!”

“I am a child of god, too good for the devil’s lettuce,” Camila says calmly, straightening her posture and turning her nose up at you. She looks and sounds a little ridiculous and you kind of want to kiss her.

“Devil’s lettuce? You’re so full of it shit. You’re probably a huge sinner,” you insist.

“I’m pure!”

“Lying is a sin and you’re also gay so you’re basically a huge heathen,” you smirk as her jaw drops in disbelief.

“I didn’t realize dragging me is your way of making it up to someone,” Camila grumbles and you’re so completely endeared when she pouts that you almost apologize. Almost.

“So you agree? You’re a filthy and impure sinner?”

“Anyways, where’s the check?

-

You might have been a little worried about how lunch was going to go because Camila is really cute while simultaneously being really hot and you’re kind of easily distracted. But she laughs the whole time and she’s easy to talk to in the way that banter isn’t forced and jokes don’t go too far. It went really really well and you may or may not be driving just above the speed limit to make the ride home as long as possible, short of making a giant ass circle around your neighborhood.

The ride is full of her dramatically performing each song on the radio and you’re almost upset that you had to drive because you want to be able to properly see her act like a complete idiot. At some point along the way you consider how at ease Camila seems to be, belting songs out in your car as if she hasn’t just met you. And you figure that yeah, she makes you a little nervous, but she’s also really comfortable and you haven’t felt like you needed to second guess yourself at all. You don’t realise it but you smile the whole way home.

When you park (in your own driveway), you decide to talk Camila to her door because that’s polite, right? No ulterior motives.

"So, how’d I do?” you ask as you approach her front steps.

“What?”

“Making it up to you. How’d I do?”

“Well considering you called me a filthy heathen earlier, I’m gonna have to say not so great,” she gives you a playfully disapproving look. “I guess you’re just going to have to make it up to me some more.”

She’s looking at you with a lopsided grin and you bite your lip because now you definitely want to kiss her. And honestly if you don’t get your hormones in check-

“Oh geez,” you start. “I have to spend even more time with you?” You pretend to be completely burdened with the idea and you’re pretty sure she sees right through you, if the excited smile on your face is any giveaway. She lightly shoves your shoulder but she giggles too so you know it’s okay. You’re both standing in front of her house now and you’re practically waiting for her to tell you to leave because you can’t seem to say bye.

“Well, do you maybe want to come inside so you can finish making it up to me?”

And you really hate yourself sometimes because you have no business turning her words into something they’re not. The innocent look she gives you makes it clear that she doesn’t consider how… suggestive her words are and you’re left with your mouth hanging a little and staring. Because you are very much aware of how suggestive it sounds and now your mind is so far deep in the gutter imagining Camila-

“Lauren?”

You realise you must’ve been staring for some time because Camila gives you a strange look and you immediately clear your head of those thoughts.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about if I had anything to do today.” You mentally high five yourself for avoiding looking like a complete ass.

“Oh, well if you’re busy we could just hang out another time-”

“No, I’m free,” you say a little too quickly. You clear your throat and speak a little slower this time. “Y'know, so we can get this over with,” you motion with your hands like you’re waving her off. She swats at your arm and rolls her eyes as she turns to open her front door.

“Oh whatever you already love my company, I can already tell.”

“Uh huh. Okay,” you nod dubiously, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Don’t be an ass, this is just like that time you almost swung a bat at me. Do you remember that?” she sends you a cheeky smile as you two enter her house you stop right at the doorway.

“Wooooow, I suddenly remembered that I have to go vacuum my…roof.” you say without conviction, glaring as best you can at her.

Camila throws her head back in a throaty laugh, reaching for your arm when you pretend to turn to leave (because you both know you’re going nowhere).

“Nooo, I was kidding. I’m sure your roof can stand to wait another day to be vacuumed.”

“Mm I don’t know,” you pretend to contemplate. “It’s kind of been a while since anyone’s done it.” You have to mentally hold yourself together when she pouts and you’re literally seconds away from taking it back when she speaks up.

“Okay fine then. I already love your company. So stay? Just for a lil bit?”

What she’s giving you right now is a practiced puppy dog look, you can just fucking tell. She knows- she fucking knows what it does to people. If you weren’t already going to stay anyways, this would’ve been what convinced you. Not that it would’ve taken much since you’re a sucker for a cute girl and Camila is downright adorable. Who loves (!!!) your company. 

“I suppose I could stay then,” you sigh dramatically as if you aren’t mentally squealing. “You know, since you like me so much.” Nudging her shoulder with yours, you give her a shit eating grin and she’s back to rolling her eyes at you.

You figure it’s okay to admit to yourself (and only yourself) that you like Camila’s company just as much.

A/N

wattpad: @taller-smol

thanks for reading babes