#and end kf the week means it's basically next week so basically only a week left

[thevoicestellmetosteal]

In my brain it's Thursday which means is actually Friday which means it's actually the weekend which means Monday is actually tomorrow which means it's only a week until TCF English is released

[rainix13]

just me venting lmao, will probably delete later

no real trigger warnings i guess, I just don't think anyone wants to read this and it's kinda long-ish lol

I'm so fucked and it's my own fault and I lowkey hate myself lmao

I was having a decent good weekend

I studied, did some cases (I'm studying law - at least so far i guess)

Last week we could send in one case and idk what it's called but it's Übungsleiter in german lol

I suppose you could say trainer or sth

Well anyway, he just sent me mine back

And to say the least I'm fucked

I knew that beforehand because hhhh

somehow I know a whole bunch of facts. And apart from that I know how to write a letter of advice (again, I'm not sure it's the correct term but it's better than Gutachten i guess)

But I just can't out those to together and obviously if I can't connect the what with the how both things are basically useless

I just feel like I'm too stupid for this shit bc I genuinely don't get it. I don't even know what I don't get, it makes no fucking sense. I should be able to connect it but I'm not. My friend here (yes it's only one lmao) doesn't have the problem and doesn't understand me.

Our exam is next Saturday, obviously I'll keep studying but istg it feels impossible.

From what I hear around me I seem to be the only one to be this...useless

I thought I finally left my 'shit, maybe i actually am a failure' behind when I finished school last year and started uni but no lol

If I don't pass I could technically try to get through 3rd semester and if I don't pass exams in 3rd I'm unable to continue to study law

The stupid stupid thing is that it's even fun sometimes but I'm just actually so bad at it

This already was my plan B, because my dream job thingy was to become a pilot at the air force here but my eyes are too bad lol

I'm just lost rn

Everyone's gonna be so disappointed if I don't make it, not just my parents (idgaf abt my mother honestly) but my old teachers, my friends idk

I just wanna stop disappointing people and myself

I just wanna be able to get one fucking thing right but for some reason I can't get right what everybody else here can ugh

And I can't talk to the guy I'm studying with bc he doesn't get it, my normal friends are just like 'ja das wird schon' (= don't worry, you'll be fine)

I just went back to say that I'm doing fine and everything is going fine whenever someone asks. I've been there, most people were I guess. I'm fine but inside is a battle that's been going on for weeks now and I don't even know for what end I hope anymore.

And my bestie is somewhere in between. That's for me rn somehow the worst

Because she believes in me

The one person who believed in me and went with me through everything and never judged me too hard believes in me. And of course she doesn't understand what I mean. She's studying something completely different.

But she believes. And I feel like it's impossible to live up to that unspoken expectation. My best friends are the ones from school and all of them seem so happy with what they're studying. They pass most exams and I'm so happy for them.

But I want that too. I want to have fun, which I do, but I want to be able to continue to do this. I for once want to be good at the thing that's fun as well. I wanna be at least decent in the shit I'm studying and not be ex-matriculated (?) because I'm to incompetent to be good at this.

Plan C is basically to go back to Plan A and join the army (either airforce or navy) and sure i'd like that to but like...

What if I fail again and again and again and again....

I can't switch subjects and jobs for the rest kf my life, I wanna be happy and good at something at the same time

I don't wanna disappoint everyone I care about

Why can't I? I m just so frustrated with myself because I don't know what to do to be better but at the same time it feels like I'm not doing enough

+ I'm missing almost all pride events that I could've gone to this year and it just really really frustrates me ngl

[killervibeflash]

5x06 “The Icicle Cometh” Review

Okayyyy sooooo my life is a hot mess. I really do apologize for not posting reviews like I said I would. Im in my senior year of college and I'm just tryna graduate, ya know? So, please forgive me. 

I am not gonna lie, I thought the last few episodes weren't horrible! I just wasn't feeling passionate feelings after each episode. I know one doesn't need passionate feelings to write a review, but I do. I really love Nora and the West-Allen storyline! I really do, but the whole Iris and Nora thing was getting a bit exhausting and this Caitlin storyline kept building up and basically I was really looking forward to this episode. 

I love the OG trio. I love them so much and I love seeing them work together without (no offense) Iris, Ralph and even Sherloque. So, this episode just felt special. 

Here is the thing, Im wicked drunk right now so I might get just slightly personal in this post. I am an only child and my worst fear is dying/being alone after my parents are gone. Caitlin is also an only child who is estranged from her parents (believing one to be dead most of her life) and she represents something I am scared of being, but also am desperately searching for. I am always looking for a family, like don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to replace my parents, but I am looking for a support system outside of my parents. (Yes, I have Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins but they aren't like my “Family-family”, they’re just family.) 

What I have always liked about Caitlin (and don’t hate me Caitlin fans) but, Caitlin has always seemed to be alone in a way. Cisco and Caitlin were “work friends”, but they quickly developed a strong friendship. Like, here is how I noticed it. It was when everyone was outraged that Caitlin called Iris a work friend. I get it! Caitlin probably should have thought of Iris as more than a work friend after everything they’ve been through, but Caitlin is CAUTIOUS. Caitlin has always been cautious or “cold” to people. Caitlin and Cisco worked as a friendship, but it took Barry and Caitlin a little white to start hanging out outside the lab. Dr. Wells was her mentor and someone she looked up too, but her and Iris don't have the history she has with everyone else. I just get that about her character. 

I honestly feel like when both Barry and Cisco called her a family, Caitlin was almost shocked in a way. I think she hid it well when Barry said it, but I think I saw a little trace of awe or shock in Caitlin’s face when Cisco said it to her. Caitlin genuinly didn’t think she would find that familial support base. She didn't know that Cisco and Barry are her brothers (Sorry, Snowbarry shippers, but Ive said it before I ship Snowbarry, but I am also down for this Team Flash family shit too). Again, I relate to that, because when I look for family in friends it’s really hard. I need them for more than just a lunch date every few weeks, They need to be there and they need to be there permanently. I don’t think Caitlin has had that in anyone else. Her mother and her grew estranged, she fell in love with Ronnie and he died, he fellow in love with Zoom who was a villain who treated her like shit, and then Julien who was no more than a short fling. She hasn't had permanency in a family way. 

Cisco and Barry proved to her over and over in this episode that she was their family. They called her family. The couldn't be more clear about their feelings. Also, I hella loved Cisco’s big bro protective vibe (huh pun). Like Cisco was suspicious from like the first 2 minutes. Barry was the supportive brother who stuck up for Caitlin until Cisco shook him.  

So, essentially this episode was hella cute and hella important for me to see. 

Ummm, Ralph and Cecile were pretty funny this episode! Im so glad Ralph was not nearly as gross in this episode as he would have been at the beginning of last season. Speaking of Ralph, I think I have to be honest and address that the vibes Ralph gives off to Caitlin is confusing me. I hated the guy so much last season and this season he seems so much better and he’s helping Caitlin and he cares about and Caitlin. I don’t ship it, but I am paying attention. Like, I am so glad that the writers didn't shove the Ralph/Caitlin friendship in this episode. However, that friendship is there and I don’t know how I am feeling about. I, though am much happier that she is single and focusing on finding herself(Literally Killer Frost), but I also want to see her find someone and be happy by the end of the series. Doesn't have to be this season or next season, but I just wanna know she is gonna be happy and loved. 

Also, I heard about Jessie and Papa Joe! So sad, but I hope he can return to the show soon and I am sending him prayers. 

The Nora and Iris bits were interesting.I am glad they are getting along. Like genuinely, but it was still awkward. Like not to judge Iris, but her daughter wanted to do something with her. FINALLY. and Iris is like...but I usually do that alone. Like I guess a n explanation is that it makes the press look less intimidating. I guess. I don’t know, I would have said yes and then made up an excuse for her being there, but its not everyday your 25 year old daughter from the future asks to go to work with you. 

ALSO, can we talk about Barry character growth from season 1 to now! Like, he seems so wise and old now! Like, he grew up and its almost sad. I don't know, its the way Grant talks and how he carries himself with confidence. I mean he is playing a dad and last season he was a mentor and he has just changed and learned so much and it shows in Grant’s acting. 

Okay, So now to the exciting part! KILLER FROST IS BACK! 

I am so happy that she is back, I was watching this video from a guy named Pagey (he’s on youtube) and he put it perfectly when he said that he was glad KF was back because he felt like Caitlin’s character was missing something. I love Caitlin Snow, but I have loved her so much more with Killer Frost. It really adds to her performance and character. 

Icicle when Killer Frost showed up was just like a strange moment. He calls her his daughter and exclaims “You have returned”. So, I believe that Caitlin’s dad’s alter ego was created before her dad gave her the ALS treatment. I mean ethically it would be so messed up to perform a risky medical trial on your kid. It would make more plausible and ethical sense if this alter ego was created and was the one who injected Caitlin with the treatment. He wanted to create a daughter. He even asked her to join him and I just want more. The pieces are adding up for Killer Frost’s story, but I wanna know why these alter egos are created evil. I wanna know why he wanted to create his daughter, or if her dad is ethically abhorrent and risked his daughters life! 

I don’t know, but this was a good episode! I am super excited for the crossover and I am glad that this story isn't finished yet.