#and didn’t feel thick as shit all the time and drained of all joy. lol. lmao even

[hella1975]

‘oh you have a new interest? thank god you’re being normal about it and not spending all your money-’ SHUT UP. CLASSICS SECTION IN THE CHARITY SHOP DOWN THE ROAD

[my-one-love-is-music]

Be My Player 2? Ch. 12

Feel free to yell at me for this chapter.

Also on AO3!

Keith’s life had become a non-stop blur of work, studying, classes, and tests. He was vaguely aware that some eating and sleeping were happening in between all of those things, at least sometimes, but his thoughts were a whirlwind. It didn’t help that almost every night instead of gaming or watching anime, he’d be skyping with Shiro. The two of them would be quiet, the only sounds those of turning pages or pens scratching, but the thoughts flitting in Keith’s head were loud. Oh so loud.

He’d be sitting there, going over a calculation in his head, completely confident because he was thinking about physics and how much power and fuel was needed to get a 165,000 pound space shuttle off the ground and into space when Shiro’s muscular shoulders shifted underneath the tight navy blue shirt he was wearing. He had to bite back a groan on more than one occasion because letting it out would only draw concern from Shiro and that would lead to some awkward questions that he couldn’t fucking answer so he just had to bury his head back in his book and try and focus on his courses.

But did he stop skyping with Shiro? Did he tell the man that he needed some time for himself to make sure that he knew the material? No. Because he loved causing himself pain with his crush that had started getting wildly out of control. He’d had his own share of crushes in the past. They didn’t happen often and before college he never would’ve dreamed even acting on one of them because even showing interest in another guy would’ve been liable to get him punched. And he wouldn’t have just laid down and taken it if he had.

Keith was just grateful that his friends were as swamped with their own studying and work as he was. Pidge had still managed to send him a few texts that were teasing and made fun of him, but for the most part they were all on strict radio silence. Exams tended to have that effect on people. Except Shiro.

He just had to make it to the end of the week. His tests would be done and his grades would be released Friday and then he could kill his crush once and for all. He would have the chance to game with Shiro or do whatever and he would finally be able to see for himself that Shiro didn’t like him like that. It would hurt, but it would be necessary. And he could handle it. He’d been through worse.

Linda: I know that you’ve been working yourself into the ground over mid-terms this week so I’m giving you the night off. I don’t want any excuses and reassurances that you’re fine to work. You need a break and you’re working all day tomorrow, so go get some rest.

Keith huffed and stumbled through the door to his apartment. He was a little annoyed to have gotten the text because there was that little voice in the back of his head protesting that he could do it and that he would be fine, but if he was being honest… He was exhausted and worn out and he honestly needed a break.

He headed straight for his bedroom, kicking his shoes off along the way and dropping his jacket on the floor. He pulled out his laptop before collapsing onto his bed and rolling onto his side, letting his computer sit next to him on the bed. He wanted to do something to forget about his tests and his grades that would be released later, but even playing Voltron seemed like too much work.

He let his eyes slide shut and let out a breath, body relaxing against his mattress. A notification sounded on his computer and Keith groaned, turning to bury his head further into his comforter. Maybe if he was lucky he’d smother himself and wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. He could be put out of his misery for once instead of having to deal with everything that life decided to throw at him.

Keith huffed and peeked out from where he was trying to hide. He pulled up Skype and read over Shiro’s message.

Shiro: How did you do on your tests????

Keith sat up with a groan and settled back against the headboard of his bed, pulling his computer into his lap.

Keith: Grades haven’t been released yet so I’m still waiting. I’ll know later tonight.

Shiro: I’m sure you did great.

Keith: I’m just glad that it’s all over. I’m so tired. This week has drained me.

Shiro: Well now that you’re free from the joys of studying and test taking, want to play Voltron?

Keith: That sounds like it would take too much brain power.

Shiro: Lol. What about that anime we started watching last week? Want to finish that?

Keith paused before replying. He stared at Shiro’s words, wondering when the change had occurred that they would just do things together. There was no asking whether they wanted to hang out with each other, it was just assumed. And it didn’t bother him. But this was just something that friends did, right? It was true that he had to schedule his plans with Hunk and Pidge because of their busy schedules, but now that he thought about it, he and Shiro always had access to each other when they were on their computers.

And it didn’t bother him.

Keith: Sure…

Shiro: Okay, I’ll get it set up and send you the link in a minute.

Keith waited, staring at his computer screen, but not really seeing it. His mind was anything but silent. A storm cloud of thoughts raging in his brain at what he was beginning to realize. And what he didn’t want to accept. The fact that he liked Shiro. Liked him more than just a little bit. The appearance of Shiro’s next message in the skype window briefly pulled him from his thoughts and he opened it without thinking. Tried focusing on the image on his computer screen even as music spilled from his speakers.

As the episodes progressed, Keith slowly ended up on his side, staring at his computer screen. His head was resting on his pillow and the other was clutched tightly to his chest. He knew what was coming. He knew it. But that didn’t make the ending any easier to handle.

He did his best to stifle his sobs, trying to keep quiet even as tears poured down his cheeks when the credits rolled on the final episode. He wiped frantically at his cheeks. This was not how he imagined the end of his hell week going.

“Keith?” Shiro asked, his own voice uncharacteristically thick.

“I hate you so fucking much right now,” Keith mumbled.

“Are you…are you crying?”

“Yes, I’m fucking crying!! I don’t know how you could get through that and not cry!” Keith snapped, exasperated.

Shiro chuckled. “Just wanted to make sure I’m not the only one…”

“God I hate you.”

Shiro laughed again. “Hey, weren’t you supposed to get your grades back for finals?”

Keith sucked in a breath. “I really didn’t need that reminder.”

“Come on, I’m sure you did fine. And I want to know how you did.”

“Fine, fine.” He opened a new tab in his web browser and pulled up his student portal for his university. It took him a minute to navigate to the page and while it was loading he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Well?” Shiro asked expectantly.

Keith opened his eyes slowly, scrolling down the page to read over his updated grades. He relaxed the further down he got and felt relief wash over him.

“I passed. With flying colors, honestly.”

“See, I knew that you could do it! Great job, Keith.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Silence fell between the two of them. Keith stared at his grades, the warmth that had bloomed in his chest from Shiro’s words not showing any signs of fading.

“Hey, Shiro…I’m going to call it a night. I’m exhausted and should get some sleep before I have to go into work tomorrow.”

“Oh. Yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to you later, then?”

“Yeah,” Keith answered, frowning. “Later.”

He closed out of everything that he had open and shut his computer. He sat back, thinking. Shiro had sounded almost disappointed by the fact that he had to hang up. He probably just didn’t want to be left alone since it wasn’t that late. And it was a Friday. Keith was sure that it had nothing to do with him. He reached for his phone and pulled up his list of contacts, scrolling down until he hit one of the people he knew he could talk to.

He held the phone up to his ear and waited as the ringing sounded in his ear.

“Hey, what’s up? Everything cool?” Pidge asked. It sounded like she was eating something.

“Yeah, yeah. I just need to talk to you about something. And Hunk if he’s around.”

“He’s not here right now, but I can relay the info when he gets back and get him caught up on the situation.”

Keith let out a breath. “Okay.”

“You didn’t bomb your mid-terms, did you? That’s not what this is about, right?” Pidge sounded worried.

“No. I just checked them. Passed with flying colors. That’s not the problem.”

“Is this about Shiro?”

Keith sighed, heavy and full of meaning. “Yeah…”

“Did something happen?”

“No.”

“So you didn’t tell him that you have a crush on him?”

Keith nearly choked. “No!”

“Relax, just checking. What’s the problem then?”

He sighed. “I just…I realized how much time that we actually spend together and talking to each other. Our friendship is just sort of assumed at this point and there’s not really a question that we won’t hang out or do something together.”

“Does that bother you?”

“No.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know…I just…I feel like this is so much. So soon. And I like him, but isn’t that kind of weird? We only met online and have only been doing this for a couple of weeks. Isn’t that too soon?”

“Keith,” Pidge sighed, sounding both exasperated and fond, “You are pretty much shit at anything that comes to romantic feelings, aren’t you?”

“I…guess? Should I be insulted by that? I feel like I should be insulted by that.”

“You can be insulted by that statement all you want, but it’s true. So let me spell something out for you. Feelings aren’t this logical thing that you can dissect. You should know this, Keith, even though you are going into science. It’s not rational, these types of things just sort of happen. So if you’re comfortable with it all, it shouldn’t really be a problem.”

“I guess…” he said, reluctantly.

“Trust me, Keith. I know that you’re going to have doubts and you’re going to second guess every move that you end up making, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I know that it’s probably really scary. Not only are you putting yourself out there emotionally, but you’re also doing so with someone who you’ve started to largely consider a friend. But if you don’t ask him, you aren’t going to know where you stand.”

“But what if he doesn’t like me like that?”

“I’m going to be honest with you, Keith. There’s the chance that might happen. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends. That doesn’t mean you still can’t do stuff together. If he doesn’t like you in a romantic way and insists on cutting off all ties because you have a crush, then he’s the asshole in this situation and doesn’t even deserve to have your affections if he reacts that badly to it.”

Keith smiled. “Thanks, Pidge.”

“I’m your friend. It’s what I do. But…you should tell him. You should put all of it out there, before you end up hurting yourself and him.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You better,” Pidge warned. “The three of us should get together again soon and you can tell us how it goes. And maybe we can actually get through a couple of movies without you spacing out on us. Or force-feed you ice cream in case it does go badly.”

Keith chuckled, already feeling lighter. Maybe he could handle this whole situation. “Sounds like a plan.”

“You’re not going to curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out if I hang up now, are you? I think I just heard the front door open which means it’s time to spill all of your dirty secrets to Hunk.”

“You’re the worst.”

“Love you, too,” Pidge said before hanging up.

Keith locked his phone and let his hand fall to the bed. He stared across his bedroom, not really seeing what was in front of, allowing his mind to focus on the question and issue at hand. He thought about how the conversation would have to go and didn’t see any other outcome than it being so incredibly awkward. How was he going to tell Shiro how he feels?

He could just imagine the disgusted expression that would come over his features. He could already hear Shiro freak out on him.

“I trusted you!”

“I thought that we were friends!”

“You’re disgusting!”

Keith squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the thoughts and keep them away. He didn’t want to think about this. He didn’t want to think about it. It was bad enough with everything else that he was always forced to deal with, but now this was just one more thing. Shiro said that he could go to him with anything. He could talk to him about anything. How was he supposed to talk to him about this?

He curled into a ball on his side and gripped the long strands of his hair in his hands. It was only a moment before the tears were sliding down his cheeks. Unlike the last time that he’d cried, he was silent, body only shaking slightly with his agitated breathing. And God did he hate that Pidge knew him so well.

“I can’t-“ he gasped. “I can’t do this.”

He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, tears still sliding down his cheeks. “I can’t tell him. It’s going to ruin everything.” Grasping onto the broken determination that was rising up inside of him, Keith sat up and got out of bed. He turned and looked at his computer where it was still sitting on his bed. He shivered.

That was the thing that had started all of this. That had been the outlet for his frustrations and brought him to Shiro. But now it was mocking him. Because it had the power. It could destroy everything for Keith. Could absolutely wreck him. And if he let go and told Shiro about his feelings and it all blew up in his face? He didn’t know how he was going to come back from it.

“No. I can’t tell him. I can’t.”

Keith hurried over to his dresser and grabbed a change of clothes. Hopefully a shower would help him push all of this aside. He was too keyed up to sleep and he couldn’t exactly get back on his computer because Shiro would know. And that would only end up confusing him and hurting him. Shiro was the last person who Keith wanted to see hurt.

So he turned to the bathroom. He turned on the spray and stripped out of his clothes quickly. He tried to force his mind to go blank, which he was not very good at because every other second, thoughts of Shiro kept coming back to him. He kept thinking about his kind smile and bright eyes. Kept thinking about how soft his hair looked and how it would feel to run his fingers through it.

Keith squeezed his eyes shut. And if his tears happened to be hidden by the water running down his face, then that was fine, too. He’d let it go. He’d let the feelings remain. If he had to hide and keep them to himself he could do it. If he lost sleep thinking about what could be and remind himself why it can’t be. Then he could do that, too. If it broke him inside every time that he saw Shiro smile at him and reminded him that he’d never be able to feel his lips against his own… Then he could handle it.

Because he wasn’t about to ruin one of the few good things that he had going in his life. If his feelings ruined him, instead? Then he could handle it. Because it would mean that he would be the one suffering and not Shiro. He’d suffered a lot in his life. So what was one more thing added to the list? He’d content himself with the smiles that Shiro would give him and his bright laughter that would crackle through the speakers, the connection making it no less genuine.

He could handle it. He just had to keep reminding himself of that fact.