#and by the end of january i won't live in this fucking flat anymore

[smiff-spike]

[images are three poems. poem 1 text: i want to chase it out the house but it is the house / or it’s seeped into the walls at least / or no it is the house / even gutted it would still remember / even ash and brittle timber / i brought it with me like bed bugs or fleas / or carbon monoxide / i brought it with me because it is me / and i live here and so it’s the house / everywhere i go there i am / water damage and rot

poem 2 text: i want a bathroom with windows / – every room should have windows, i think / when i sit in the bathtub by / the harsh white of the fluorescent bulb / steam trapped, heat trapped / something inside me starts again to wither / the spiders strung above me mostly eat each other / i don’t know who designed my building / but i don’t think they knew anyone would live here / i look at houses we can afford / with all their ailments, small and damp and cold, / the post stamp concrete gardens. the sunlight. / the bars over the ground floor windows. the sunlight.

poem 3 text: same as it ever was / same as it ever was / as in the days that smear together, / life like an old tape decaying / lifelike similar fuzzing fading / keep hitting the buttons it’s the same / on every channel a low ache / too fogged to write or just nothing to say – / thoughts vanishing half forming / everything indistinct same same same / as it ever was / as it ev ever / as it ever was, /end ID]

little 2021 poetry review. mostly this year i wrote about decay and stagnancy

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 32

I really don't want to write this because I am severely avoiding ANY upcoming feelings at the moment, but I'll try.

The last few weeks were very hard and my therapist was on vacation. I moved out of the flat I shared with my ex-partner (who almost-desperately wants to stay friends (with benefits) and writes me text messages every f*ng day) I am exhausted as fff and was so before but even more now, depressed af, I should be studying but no chance buddy, I am extremely scared of being alone with my feelings, I feel like a failure, like I can't do anything right and can't really do anything at all /can't function like other humans do, I also am desperately looking for people to be friends or idk anything with so I can take my mind off of all the thoughts following the feelings, especially the suicidal or self-harm ones.

The beginning of the session was pure chaos and I was talking wildly incongruent and threw in random stuff here and there and couldn't really find words for what I felt in the last weeks, it got a bit better towards the end though. We talked about my current day-to-day emotional rollercoaster and how I am avoiding feelings because I am afraid of being alone in them and drowning in them, even though I have made the experience in the past that nowadays it can be ok for me to sit with my feelings without instantly trying to off myself (still get the urge to do so but I can resist it). I also realised that I feel just as bad as I did when I lived alone in 2018 and had multiple suicide attempts in the time span of a few weeks (attempted to strangle myself which obviously didn't work, then finally bought the pills to off myself and almost offed myself on January 7th in 2018, but decided to try on life one last time a few hours later and went to the ER, where they managed to "save my ''''life'''' " and I got some medical trauma on top haha, yay.

Anyways, I feel just as bad as I did back then, but somehow I am able to resist that stuff a lot better now. I did not even try to kill myself yet in the last few weeks, yes I had suicidal thoughts, a lot actually and sometimes pretty urgent and impulsive ones, but I didn't act on them. I didn't even cut myself, even though I really wanted to sometimes. But I also didn't manage to contact friends so I don't have to be alone with that stuff - my therapist asked me if I really have to be alone with those feelings, I told him I have two friends that already told me I don't have to and that I can call them or sth like that, but I am too afraid to contact them because I already contacted them multiple times in the past and I am scared that this one time might be the one too much and that they would just abandon me then and ultimately leave me alone with the feelings - doesn't make much sense to not contact them at all then (and instead contact F), but yea, thanks brain.

I usually just went to the gym and lifted some amazing weights instead, yes I am hyperfocusing on gym life at the moment and if I could, I'd be in the gym all day everyday, unfortunately human bodies need rest days at some point or otherwise they can't workout anymore or they won't build any muscle mass, which I now realllllyy want to gain. Better to focus on gains than on how fucking stupid my life is and how fucking worthless I am and how it all doesn't make sense and how I am struggling so fucking hard for years now and how I maybe just shouldn't be alive anymore. I don't know. Yea no, I'd rather avoid that right now, worst case scenario is I'll die shredded. Probably looks better in case I have a funeral (ah yes, I also visited a nice graveyard in the city and almost made an appointment to find out if I can be buried there/how much it costs/ how that stuff works. Didn't do that yet and I'm almost sure they will either laugh at me for worrying about that in my age or will worry about why I am thinking so much about my own death. The experience there was kinda weird, I felt like I've been there before and like I knew what way to go etc. I followed some ways I felt I should go and ended up at the children's graveyard - I first didn't even think of small innocent children being buried on a graveyard / dying, because of course there is mainly old people or maybe younger fallen soldiers (which was sad enough), but then I walked where my mind kinda told me to walk and ended up seeing strangely colourful stuff on some graves, walked towards them and saw two young men separately standing there in front of two different graves and obviously being quite depressed and one was maybe even crying. As I approached that place (the way led there) I realised the colourful stuff was toys and colourful decoration and also noticed that the graves weren't even half as big as all the other ones, then it hit me - the two young men weren't in grieve over their dead grandparents or parents, they were probably grieving over their own children.)

Why is it all so hard. Why do I have to struggle so much again or better, why did I even struggle less for quite some time (at least a year and a half)? Maybe I should have less contact to F too, I'm pretty sure it isn't good for me, but I am even more afraid of being one person more alone. It's all too much rn. Maybe I should start reading my book on trauma and violence again. In the last session before my therapist's vacation, I said I didn't want to forget about all that trauma-work stuff and that I felt better and stronger and maybe want to try to approach that field again. I feel way worse now but obviously I'm still pretty strong, so perhaps I could try to somehow tackle that field soon anyway.