#and by heavy drinking i mean like.. five cans of hard seltzer and i shared three of those with my friend 💀

[burnhamandtilly]

drinking in your late 20s is like: this is great, I feel amazing!!!!

*two hours later*: is currently experiencing physical symptoms never felt before

[xroguex1027]

Writing warm up.

Valdemar: This is Volta 069. If you can eat more than her then ill let you out of that little cage.

Having not eaten for days Julian expects no competition. How much could this tiny little lady possibly eat?

Normaly he would make a sly quip but having been starved for three days he only feels pain. He doesn't have the energy to speak.

Instead he just smirks at the odd proposal.

Valdemar: Do you accept my challenge?

Julian: When I was training under doctor satrinava we worked with these orphaned children. They were starved hadn't eaten in days. I of course brought oranges with me to protect against the scurvy. I thought I might share some with the children you see? But doctor Satrinava told me-

Valdemar: DO YOU ACCEPT?

Julian's stomach growls on cue. Not such a coincidence as its been groaning for three days straight.

Julian: I accept.

He's locked in a little room with two tables and two chairs. Each table is piled high with food. A little lady sits strapped to one chair her hands bound behind her. She's salivating like a dog.

Valdemar leads Julian to the other chair and straps him in.

Valdemar: Whoever eats everything on their table first will be released and given the prize.

Julian: Oh there's a prize? I'm not sure I like the sound of that...maybe If you were a bar made or say perhaps a magi-

Valdemar: Shut up and eat 069. Your opponent has all ready begun.

Valdemar has already unstrapped Volta's hands and she proceeds to dive face first into a blueberry pie.

Julian cautiously takes a bowl of porridge, something that will be easy on his malnourished stomach.

It feels good, warm, his stomach feels tight and empty but some how this room temperature porridge is soothing.

This is a competition though. He's nearly forgotten in the coma of his comfort food. He reaches for the top of the pile and also takes a blueberry pie.

He has no utencils to eat with. The porridge he could just tilt down his throat but this is solid food. His arms are fastened to the table at the elbows to insure he doesnt try to escape.

He lifts his hands up and turns toward to valdemar

Julian: Do you mind

With a roll of their eyes Valdemar removes Julian's gloves. Anything to hinder his progress.

Julian: You're most kind.

Valdemar: EAT!

Behind Valdemar Voltas pile of food has all ready been significantly reduced.

Julian hiccups as he shoves his last handful of blueberry pie down his throat.

It doesn't find its way easily. And the sudden sugar rush has him a little woozy. He should probably counter it with something healthy.

A chicken leg, he takes and tears it apart. It's tough and dry. He needs something to drink but there is nothing near by. An orange rolls from the pile and he takes it and peels it with his greezy hands. Its the closest thing he has to wash something down.

He squeezes each slice over his mouth before. Dropping down his throat.

Valdemar: Hurry Devorak. Your opponent is gaining on you.

Speaking of gaining now that the poridge and pie have settled Julian's deprived stomach is starting to feel a little full.

This is about the point he would end a normal meal but there is still a good 75 percent of the pile left to eat.

He decides its best to eat the heavy stuff first that way it will be easier to pack in the little things like cupcakes and beats at the end.

He attacks three sandwiches first, eating them faster than he thought he could. Next is a generous slice of chocolate cake. He's trying not to swallow more air than food to save room but it proves an ineffective strategy. He cracks open a pickle jar and begins to munch them two at a time. Three at a time.

The restraints are pressing into his bubbling stomach. He wishes he could move his hands to rub it but his arms won't bend that way because of the restraints.

Julian: *EEEERRRUUPPP* I feel sick.

Valdemar: Your opponent is almost done devorak. If you dont want to be chained up here forever I encourage you to continue.

Julian winces at a vinegar and chocolate flavored burp.

He begins to peel the five or six hard boiled eggs infront of him. He slurps them down one after another. His stomach is pushing through the gaps in the restraints.

A cramp twists in his lower stomach.

Julian: UGH

Volta: Done! Oh please. Oh please let me have me have his I'm so verry hungry.

How, how can she possibly be hungry? Julian peels another orange and remember the rest of his encounter with the orphaned children.

Dr.Satrinava had told him not to feed them too many. Their tummys were weak from starvation and they wouldn't be able to digest a lot at a time.

An unsavory growl rose from Julian's chest and manifested as a belch.

Julian: Does this mean I can stop?

Valdemar: Do you want to be free?

Julian: I thought freedom was the prize?

He was beginning to hope Valdemar had some seltzer water as a consolation prize.

Julian struggled to lay his head between his elbows. His swollen belly gargling pie and eggs and pickles and none of it was sitting well at all.

Volta: No. No. Its more food. Surely its more food.

Julian moaned.

Valdemar: oh no. Its something much better.

From their coat they produced a shiny knife.

Volta: For cutting right? Is it for cutting me a slice of pie or cake?

Julian was having difficulty stomaching words pertaining to food. Voltas enthusiasm was the icing on the cake.

He was having a nauseous staring contest with the cupcakes in front of him.

Surely he'd be sick.

Valdemar: Not for slicing food.

Volta face fell but Julians brightened with curiosity.

Valdemar: But when our Dr here finishes all the cupcakes I have so generously provided for him you can have all the food you want.

Volta: *gasp* yes yes he must eat. Oh doctor you must. I'm starving.

Valdemar picks up a cupcake and brings it to Julian's lips.

Now that there is a knife involved Julian isn't sure he wants to risk disobeying.

He struggles through every last cupcake. And nearly loses it as Valdemar spins his chair around to cut him free of the restraints.

Julian: hrng!

His stomach is significantly larger, bloated, full, and gurgling unpleasantly. The cramp has spread upward into his chest.

Finally free Julian rubs his tinder stomach.

*Glurp*

Julian: Did-did I eat all of that?

Valdemar: Not quite.

The devilish courtier unscrews the lid on the pickle jar.

Julian: its empty

Valdemar: Ide look again if I were you.

Julian nearly gags

Julian: The juice? You want me to drink the juice?

Valdemar: if you want to be free 069, you must consume everything.

Julian chugs the jar of pickle juice. It dribbles down his neck, the vinegar burning his cuts and scrapes from being bamged around inside a cage.

An awful burp threatens him when hes finished.

Valdemar cuts the last of the restraints digging into Julian's belly.

Ohhh his belly. His achy nauseous belly. Its so full it hurts so much. He's sweating with pain. He may be free but he can't move.

*Bluuurrrrppp*

The burp does nothing to settle his stomach.

Julian: Make it stop.

He grimaces and leans forward hugging his stomach.

Several burps rise from his gut each louder and wetter than the last.

Valdemar: Oh dear Volta it seems our doctor has eaten himself sick.

Volta: Its all because he didn't share

Volta whales.

Valdemar: of course the best way to unstuff something is to take out the stuffing.

Valdemar hands Volta the knife.

Volta: Oh is there stuffing? Stuffing and turkey?

Each time she mentions food Julian's stomach grows weaker. He's so nauseous that he's almost unconscious. Before he realises what they are discussing the cold edge of the knife is pressed against his taught stomach.

Julian: Do your worst.

Volta presses the point into his belly and a crimson drip slides down to his navel.

Julian Winces with an Oof and bights his lip.

Julian: Feels good

He's lying. An acidic burp gets stuck in his throat and he starts to cough.

Valdemar: What are you doing?

[wineanddinosaur]

We Asked 20 Brewers: What Are the Worst Trends in Beer Right Now?

Not all beer trends are created equal. Some have staying power and become national or global phenomena, while others fizzle quickly. There are several movements coursing through American breweries that are worth celebrating, but, for now, let’s focus on the absolute worst. We’re examining the garbage gimmicks that deserve a good riddance. That leave a bad taste in your mouth. That make you want to White Claw your eyes out.

Below, beer makers confess the recent developments they wish would disappear.

“Lactose in IPAs. Not a fan.” — Brandon Tolbert, Owner and Brewer, Short Throw Brewing

“Big Beer creating new breweries in popular beer-centric destinations while posing them as independent startups. The average consumer is unaware that their money is not supporting the local craft-beer community, but rather the international beer conglomerates.” — Ignacio Montenegro, Co-Founder, Tripping Animals Brewing Company

“I’m tired of breweries ignoring sexual harassment and sexism and treating it as ‘boys being boys.’ In over half of the breweries I’ve worked at, I‘ve experienced examples as blatant as a head brewer telling everyone he would screw me straight. Or less obvious instances where a man asks why I’m the one carrying something heavy. It’s 2019 and I demand equality and respect.” — Megan Stone, Brewer

“I think ratings on apps and websites have taken some of the human element out of craft beer. While it’s great to have craft-beer fans excited about beer X, Y, or Z, I often see consumers relying too heavily on ratings to drive what they purchase as opposed to having a conversation with their bartenders and brewers. Most all of my beer ‘Aha!’ moments have come through connecting with someone and trying something completely new and unfamiliar. I think it’s our jobs as brewers and bartenders to help guide more of those experiences for craft-beer fans.” — Corey Gargiulo, General Manager, Evil Twin Brewing NYC

“The packaging and selling of unfinished beer. Many small breweries don’t have the necessary pasteurization capabilities in order to make a product stable after blending in various fruits and juices, so they package it in cans and warn the consumer to ‘keep it cold’ to avoid the cans exploding. For me, this is a trend I’d like to see fade away. Either buy a pasteurizer for your cans, or simply keep it on tap in your taproom where it can be controlled.” — Paul Wasmund, Head Brewer and Blender, Barrel Culture Brewing and Blending

“The ‘slow pour’ pilsner. I appreciate and cherish the craft of beer and can see why this is desirable. However, there are other ways to achieve optimal flavors and aromas without bartenders having to wait five to seven minutes to serve the beer.” — Mark Johnson, Brewer, DuClaw Brewing Company

“Seltzers in breweries. I think the trend will leave a negative impact on the integrity of the industry. I understand the desire to diversify, especially given stagnant sales across the industry of late, but hard seltzer is not the answer. I can get down with hazy IPAs, pastry stouts, and even beer cocktails. Seltzer is a quick copout for a lot of fledgling places. I’d like to see low-calorie beer or even nonalcoholic craft options fill the void. At least it’s still beer.” — Chris Gilmore, Brewer, Lone Tree Brewing Company

“A trend making me sad, but I don’t see it ever going away, unfortunately, is the ouroboros of hype. People want to get a beer everyone’s talking about, stand in line for its release or pay scandalous money, sometimes more than eightfold the initial price, and of course they will rate it marvelous even if it’s just O.K. Nobody wants to admit putting a lot of effort, be it time or money or both, into just a good beer. So they call it exceptional and more people want it. And here we go again. This leaves out of the spectrum of attention thousands of really good breweries. Plus, there is enjoyment-versus-price ratio. Do you feel that beer was worth every penny you paid? Sometimes you pay a lot but feel cheated because the beer wasn’t as great as you expected it to be. And if someone pays way more than the brewery price and is not happy, all the discontent unfairly goes to the brewer, not to the secondary market trader in part driving the hype.” — Lana Svitankova, Speaker, Varvar Brew

“Was glitter beer ever a trend?” — Mike Shatzel, Co-Owner, Thin Man Brewery

“Not enough minorities, blacks, and Hispanics drinking craft beer. I’ve been in the brewing industry since 2015 and have experienced nothing but greatness from the beer to the people who enter our establishment. What I do not see, though, is a lot of color. … Overall, I’ve experienced great beers and breweries but I would love to see more diversity in the industry.” — James Higgs, Intern, Forager Brewery

“Distributor consolidation and the buying up of craft breweries and brands by large multinational companies is creating a super-challenging retail environment for all the independent craft brewers.” — Ron Jeffries, Founder and Brewer, Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales

“Whole pastries, instead of constituent ingredients, going into stouts. You’re not even thinking about flavors anymore, you’re just trying to do something for Instagram.” — Ethan Buckman, Co-Owner and Head Brewer, Stickman Brews

“The liberal interpretation of double dry hopping, or DDH, is a pet peeve of mine. DDH is an actual process where the first dry hop is added during active fermentation and the second in secondary. But most people simply just dry hop multiple days. And also, double of what? Since most brewers don’t disclose their original dry hop rate, they’ve started a dry hopping arms race. I’ve seen as high as 15 pounds per barrel, and that’s just a waste! Only so much hop oil can dissolve in beer. At a certain point it’s literally throwing money down the drain.” — Morgan Clark Snyder Jr., Owner and Brewer, Buttonwoods Brewery

“I’m over the meatheads who still think it’s O.K. to put out sexist beer labels and social media posts. It’s not edgy or tongue in cheek. It’s gross, it’s harmful, and it should be beneath us as an industry. I also think it appeals to the type of crowd who have no problem commenting on a female bartender’s appearance, but would only take a beer recommendation from a dude. No one needs more of that.” — Jonathan Moxey, Head Brewer, Rockwell Beer Company

”It’s exciting that the popularity of high quality and well-made lagers is on the rise. It’s a huge bummer, however, when brewers chase trends and make lagers with cheap ingredients, poor brewing techniques, and fast tank times. It has taken a long time and a great deal of hard work to get well-made, vibrant, and incredible lagers out to the U.S. beer drinker. I believe that innovation and tradition can go hand in hand with this realm of beers, but the key is for the brewer to respect the scope and the challenge of brewing lager beer.” — Josh Pfreim, Co-Founder and Brewmaster, pFreim Family Brewers

“The beer community is a vocal one, and we love how people freely review, discuss, and share their opinions about beers they try. However, a trend I see that isn’t constructive is a tendency of people to default their reviews to a comparison of any given beer to an archetype of that beer style. As opposed to evaluating a beer as an independent expression of a style — and most importantly whether they liked it! — it becomes more a question of does it taste like X beer or is it better than Y beer. We as a brewery place primary importance on innovation and are never trying to duplicate an expression of any given style. So, we believe it would be a positive move for craft beer if the community would keep an open mind and evaluate beers as unique steps along an evolution of a style, not a catalog of archetype imitations.” — Harris Stewart, Founder and CEO, TrimTab Brewing

“I honestly hate the unfermented, super-fruited beers, the ones where you can literally chew on the fruit particles like a smoothie. The first time someone let me taste one I thought it was some sort of beer slushie. These aren’t safe unless you have a way to pasteurize. Then more power to you. But at that point just go down to Jamba Juice and get yourself a smoothie.” — Alyssa Thorpe, Head Brewer, Jagged Mountain Craft Brewery

“As a Belgian brewer who believes in the artistry of beer, I am afraid brewers are complacent with the ‘Chardonnization’ of their beers. We are bound by styles and rules but we’re not able to differentiate ourselves. You sell a kettle sour, a porter, and an IPA. Oh, great. So does Starbucks — sorry, I mean the brewery on the other side of the street. How do you make your taproom stand out? Is it the liquid? Is it your ties to the community? I challenge brewers to think out of the box. If you have an IPA that’s fruity, can you describe it differently than an IPA? Can you educate the consumer who hates IPAs on how they can appreciate this emerging style that now has so many subcategories? Unfortunately, we have seen winemakers go down the road and sell their wine by grape variety in the new world or by region in the old world. Creatively, I think we can push ourselves even more!” — Peter Bouckaert, Co-Owner and Brewer, Purpose Brewing & Cellars

“Overloaded sweetness. Great for sipping, but ruins the session and really messes up your gut.” — Tim Matthews, Head of Brewing Operations, Oskar Blues Brewery

“The eternally unsatisfied drinker.” — Antonio Lopes, Owner and Brewer, Lupum

The article We Asked 20 Brewers: What Are the Worst Trends in Beer Right Now? appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/20-worst-beer-trends-craft/