#and by feel i mean literally.its a physical sensation and it's weird
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#vent in tags time lmao#anyways. im mentally at rock bottom i think#i genuinely haven't felt alive in like.. over a week now? literally. i don't think I'm alive.#there was this one time back in 2019 where i was vv close to being murdered or very seriously injured at least#and i don't think i survived that night actually#i feel like my body is slowly rotting from the inside out#and by feel i mean literally.its a physical sensation and it's weird#i cant bring myself to do anything anymore and im just- idk. i want to leave#i don't think i deserve human contact anymore- the fact that I'm not human aside.#my fp lashed out at me a few days ago and I'm still trying to recover from it emotionally but like. it hurts sm fuck#they basically said that no one gives a shit if i feel bad after i said that i can't be there to support them-#during that specific moment bc i was semi verbal and it was hard to remember anything#idk i just. i hate that they called me selfish for it and said thati m way too self absorbed#am i? i dont know#also my self destructive urges got worse lol#i really should try to recover from sh but i just. cant. its the only thing that brings me genuine euphoria now#and when im clean im either manic or dissociating horribly#and the fucking new traumatic memories that i uncovered recently keep coming back and i can't cope with it anymore#i genuinely need help but i can't get it and idk how long i can last before i do something horrible#im so tired.lmao
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