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formerly-rosaline · 5 years ago

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About Haley

Full name: Haley Emmanuella Vasquez

Date and place of birth: August 17, 1987, Arroyo, Puerto Rico

Gender: Trans woman

Height: 6' even

Weight: 142 lbs

Baptismal and confirmational name: Francisco Onesimus Nonnatus Emmanuel García de Vasquez

Legal deadname: Immanuel Carlos García

Parents: Camila Paola Vasquez de García (née Rodriguez, born 1972), Luís Carlos García de Nakamura (born 1962)

Siblings: a twin, Diego Pierre García

Relationship status: Separated

First language: Spanish

Second language: English

Third language: Russian

Trying to learn: Taíno, an extinct language since the 1800s, to communicate better with her ancestors

Ethnicities: Taíno, Japanese, African American (predominantly West), colonizer, Japanese and Indian - she took a DNA test and despite being 100% that bitch she is also:

33% African - West (Benin, Nigeria, and Togo)

7% Spanish

25% Japanese

20% Indigenous Americas - Taíno

10% Indian

4% South African

1% Indigenous Americas - Yucatan Peninsula

Employment: former fuller service sex worker, current limited service sex worker (dancing and creating content predominantly), drug and arms deals - wants nothing more than to be a museum curator or coffee roaster, or both

Disorders: major depressive, gender dysphoria

Species: succubus, vampire

Religion: formerly devout Roman Catholic, currently Yoruban Lucumí/Santería

Favorite musical artists: Beyonce, Lizzo, Cardi, Daddy Yankee, Pitbull, Princess Nokia

Bio: Born the baby, always the baby.

Haley was born at precisely midnight on August 17th, giving her a different birthday than her twin. It was only the beginning of their differences. Their father was completely unknown to them for the majority of their lives, although they found him - and their siblings, including a Luís Junior - on Facebook. Needless to say, after years of him being a deadbeat, they didn't slide in his DMs or shoot him a FR. He had groomed their mother, after all. She was nearly a decade younger, and he left the second she got pregnant. He was an adult and knocked up a freshman, after all.

By age seven, their mother had saved enough to get them to the mainland. The loss of culture and culture shock was a huge problem for Haley, but Diego thrived. He got along great with his little white friends, throwing away their language and traditions to assimilate. It caused a large divide between the twins. Haley could never stand a colonizer. She told them white boys thank you, next -- til she met the right one.

Raised in Concord of Contra Costa County, California, Haley had a hard time fitting in. People always be touching her hair, insulting her mama's food. Despite being a woman, she'd shave her head just to keep them girls from touching it with their oily ass hands. It made her cry every time. Her mother would curl her hair before she shaved it off for her, and let her doll herself up and play dress up for a while. It helped her heal from the buzzcut.

Haley's mother always supported who she was and told her to live her truth. Diego couldn't stand it. It was just one more thing that made them different. They were identical twins; they were supposed to be exactly the same. To hell with it, though, Haley said - she was a good person and there were two things she'd never be confused for: a man, and a straight.

By age fifteen, Haley was working the streets. She was also falling in love with some dumb as shit, goofy ass, lanky white boy since she was fourteen. He stripped her of all her walls and insecurities and left her whole. Eventually, she became confident in her nose, and her jaggedy ass teeth, and even her afro. The second she got a bag she fixed her teeth though, so how confident was she really? He never considered himself gay just for being with her; he always considered her a woman. They kept their shit on the DL for a couple years because you know how it be. He'd be the school f*ggot, it really do be that way. But nearing their seventeenth birthday, something happened.

Her high school sweetheart never knew Haley was working the streets. He suspected something was up, especially when she was covered in bruises, or worse. He assumed it was familial abuse; the idea she was out there working was unfathomable, especially at her age. He wouldn't believe it when the police came and interviewed him. Insulted and incredulous, he walked out on the interview - and became a suspect, however briefly. Her mother and brother, too, were suspected.

Haley was trafficked on the 9th of August by a client, Vyacheslav Kirillovich Ivankov, she agreed to meet at his home after a few dates. Working the piers had been hell on earth, she'd thought, but that was before she was ripped away from everything she knew and sold into sex slavery. She was now under organized crime control in a child brothel in the Bronx. She quickly befriended a lot of the girls being imported to marry from Russia, learning their language rapidly. She lost many friends along the way. Unbeknownst to her, for a long while, Haley had contracted HIV in the brothel.

Once she had aged out of the child brothel, Haley stayed with the mob. She was too ashamed to return home, and she'd heard what had happened to her loved ones when she'd been taken - her captors had made her watch the news on her disappearance, the trials of her family and friends, how they were suspected - how they thought she left of her own accord. These news reels broke her. She never saw how much she was missed and loved, not for years.

During her captivity, Haley's ancestors reached out to her to tell her they'd been through it too and how to survive. It was from then on that Haley honored the loa and her ancestors through magic, not entirely disowning Christ but finding a way to encompass both Catholicism and Brujería into one. Catholicism was just magic in her head anyway. The sacrifices, though.....

The Russians who held her misgendered her constantly, and on purpose. They pawned her off to all the chasers in town. She quickly grew to hate Europeans more than she knew possible. She kept working their bar - a front for an adult brothel, also full of sex trafficking victims, but all Russian brides - as both a tender and a dancer. She did a hell of a job as both.

It was there that she attracted the attention of her husband. He will remain unnamed, as everything henceforth is far too incriminating. Haley put on a fucking SHOW. She brought her best game for hours on end, every single night. She constantly brought thousands into the house. She was not seeing a damn cent of it, either, which was why she had a side hustle. The bitch never slept. She danced for cheap at an adult store, and she hated every second of it. It wasn't like the bar - with her best friend Brendan, and the free shots, and the being treated like a woman because clients no longer knew her gender unless they clocked her. These clients at the store were all chasers, and she had to watch them masturbate and pretend to enjoy it, or even get off with them if they paid enough. She got paid well enough for it to keep it up, though.

Gentrification was on the verge of ruining her when she met him. All she wanted was to be someone's kept woman, on retainer, on a top floor somewhere in the Upper East Side. He fell for her, and she got more than she could've ever dreamed of. More than money. She got power, and fame, and surgeries, and sneakers, and sports cars, and love. Love. Something she thought she was fucking incapable of. Something taken from her.

He led the racketeering. In fact, it was him who ordered these countless abductions. On all accounts, he'd ruined her life, but he also gave her the best. It wasn't long before she found out he knew her high school sweetheart - by running into him at a party her fiancé was throwing. She still didn't have the heart to tell him everything that had happened, so she let him think she abandoned him. She let him think something was so wrong with him she fled clear across the country into the arms of another man. And she married that man in front of him and never told him otherwise. He still thought it to this day...

But on to the separation. Her husband's brothers weren't invited to the wedding, even though his cunt of a mother managed to make it. Haley never questioned it. She knew not to question him anyway - it was fatiguing, talking in circles. It was a good thing their mutual friend had taught her patience over a decade. Of course, she never told her husband how she knew his friend. He spilled it all drunk, unbeknownst to her, though. That was something that came up in the separation. The main flaws, though, that kept coming up were her depression and her cheating with her husband's younger brother. Haley's husband wasn't considerably older than her, only by a couple of years, but his brother was the same age. Age was irrelevant, though. A strange spark neither could define, a long conversation by the fire and far too much booze, and some seduction on both parts led them to begin an affair.

And so, we pick up where our protagonist left off - fleeing New York in a stolen lemon, for god knows where.

#about haley

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harrynightingales · 5 years ago

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hey not to be that bitch because that chryed post was a Big ol' mood but stendan/chryed were at the same time p. much so likeee which is the real ran so everyone else could walk

not to be that bitch but

math may not be my strong suit but that looks like a solid 16 month difference from their first kisses. not to mention by july 2010 chryed were out and in a happy, healthy, mutually supportive relationship and you really can’t say that about stendan one year or even two years into the start of their relationship

i realize i’ve never made my opinion about stendan clear since i started as a huge fan back in 2014 so i will say: i can’t deny i had really great experiences in the fandom and loved the ship wholeheartedly, but as time goes on i’m not entirely comfortable with it anymore. i’ve been at the forefront of many arguments defending stendan so i don’t want to get into a fight because i know the points - it was intended as a short-term domestic abuse sl and when they realized they had a good thing with brendan they worked out a longer redemption arc, etc etc. but i see more of the problems with it now as a slightly older adult. i can’t say i hate stendan like some other people because a tiny piece of me will always care for them, but i don’t actively ship it anymore and i fully respect people who dislike it and don’t want anything to do with it.

also not to be that bitch but chronology aside, a ship with a muslim mlm whose religion is dealt with respectfully alongside his sexuality and who has a non-religious white boyfriend/husband who makes every effort to understand and be part of that side of his life will ALWAYS be more iconic and groundbreaking than two white guys in a domestic abuse sl turned love story. chryed was out there in 2010 destroying stereotypes, highlighting intersectionality and different experiences of non-white gay ppl in the gay community (still rare even today), all while giving us that classic soap drama we live for. hate to use the phrase, but your faves could never.

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brenlencane · 6 years ago

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Brendan Flaws; “What? Don’t got those.”

Tagged by: @farseer-danaael

Tagging: any and everyone that wants to use me as a tag!

Gonna go with the actual Brendan, before his possession/amnesia.

Bold what applies to your character. Italics for somewhat / sometimes.

Absent-minded - Preoccupied to the extent of being unaware of one’s immediate surroundings. Abstracted, daydreaming, inattentive, oblivious, forgetful.

Abusive - Characterized by improper infliction of physical or psychological maltreatment towards another.

Addict - One who is addicted to a compulsive activity. Examples: gambling, drugs, sex.

Aimless - Devoid of direction or purpose.

Alcoholic - A person who drinks alcoholic substances habitually and to excess.

Anxious - Full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous.

Arrogant - Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance. Inclined to social exclusiveness and who rebuff the advances of people considered inferior. Snobbish.

Audacious - Recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; braze, disobedient.

Bad Habit - A revolting personal habit. Examples: picks nose, spits tobacco, drools, bad body odour.

Bigmouth - A loud-mouthed or gossipy person.

Bigot - One who is strongly partial to one’s own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.

Blunt - Characterized by directness in manner or speech; without subtlety or evasion. Frank, callous, insensitive, brusque.

Bold - In a bad sense, too forward; taking undue liberties; over assuming or confident; lacking proper modesty or restraint; rude; impudent. Abrupt, brazen, cheeky, brassy, audacious.

Callous - They are hardened to emotions, rarely showing any form of it in expression. Unfeeling. Cold.

Childish - Marked by or indicating a lack of maturity; puerile.

Complex - An exaggerated or obsessive concern or fear.

Cruel - Mean to anyone or anything, without care or regard to consequences and feelings.

Cursed - A person who has befallen a prayer for evil or misfortune, placed under a spell, or borne into an evil circumstance, and suffers for it. Damned.

Dependent - Unable to exist, sustain oneself, or act appropriately or normally without the assistance or direction of another.

Deranged - Mentally decayed. Insane. Crazy. Mad. Psychotic.

Dishonest – Given to or using fraud, cheating; deceitful, deceptive, crooked, underhanded.

Disloyal - Lacking loyalty. Unfaithful, perfidious, traitorous, treasonable

Disorder - An ailment that affects the function of mind or body. (malignant narcissist, former kleptomaniac, obsessive-compulsive ) See the Mental Disorder List.

Disturbed - Showing some or a few signs or symptoms of mental or emotional illness. Confused, disordered, neurotic, troubled.

Dubious - Fraught with uncertainty or doubt. Undecided, doubtful, unsure.

Dyslexic - Affected by dyslexia, a learning disorder marked by impairment of the ability to recognize and comprehend written words.

Egotistical - Characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance. Boastful, pompous.

Envious - Showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another’s advantages; covetous, jealous.

Erratic - Deviating from the customary course in conduct or opinion; eccentric: erratic behaviour. Eccentric, bizarre, outlandish, strange.

Fanatical - Fanatic outlook or behaviour especially as exhibited by excessive enthusiasm, unreasoning zeal, or wild and extravagant notions on some subject.

Fickle – Erratic, changeable, unstable - especially with regard to affections or attachments; capricious.

Fierce - Marked by extreme intensity of emotions or convictions; inclined to react violently; fervid.

Finicky - Excessively particular or fastidious; difficult to please; fussy. Too much concerned with detail. Meticulous, fastidious, choosy, critical, picky, prissy, pernickety.

Fixated - In psychoanalytic theory, a strong attachment to a person or thing, especially such an attachment formed in childhood or infancy and manifested in immature or neurotic behaviour that persists throughout life. Fetish, quirk, obsession, infatuation.

Flirt -To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures; behaviour intended to arouse sexual interest. Minx. Tease.

Gluttonous - Given to excess in consumption of especially food or drink. Voracious, ravenous, wolfish, piggish, insatiable.

Gruff - Brusque or stern in manner or appearance. Crusty, rough, surly.

Gullible - Will believe any information given, regardless of how valid or truthful it is, easily deceived or duped.

Hard - A person who is difficult to deal with, manage, control, overcome, or understand. Hard emotions, hard hearted.

Hedonistic - Pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially to the pleasures of the senses.

Hoity-toity - Given to flights of fancy; capricious; frivolous. Prone to giddy behaviour, flighty.

Humourless - The inability to find humour in things, and most certainly in themselves.

Hypocritical - One who is always contradicting their own beliefs, actions or sayings. A person who professes beliefs and opinions for others that he does not hold. Being a hypocrite.

Idealist - One whose conduct is influenced by ideals that often conflict with practical considerations. One who is unrealistic and impractical, guided more by ideals than by practical considerations.

Idiotic - Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless.

Ignorant - Lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact. Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge.

Illiterate - Unable to read and write.

Immature - Emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish.

Impatient - Unable to wait patiently or tolerate delay; restless. Unable to endure irritation or opposition; intolerant.

Impious - Lacking piety and reverence for a god/gods and their followers.

Impish - Naughtily or annoyingly playful.

Incompetent - Unable to execute tasks, no matter how the size or difficulty.

Indecisive - Characterized by lack of decision and firmness, especially under pressure.

Indifferent - The trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally, remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern. Having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless.

Infamy - Having an extremely bad reputation, public reproach, or strong condemnation as the result of a shameful, criminal, or outrageous act that affects how others view them.

Intolerant - Unwilling to tolerate difference of opinion and narrow-minded about cherished opinions.

Judgmental - Inclined to make and form judgements, especially moral or personal ones, based on one’s own opinions or impressions towards others/practices/groups/religions based on appearance, reputation, occupation, etc.

Klutz - Clumsy. Blunderer.

Lazy - Resistant to work or exertion; disposed to idleness.

Lewd - Inclined to, characterized by, or inciting to lust or lechery; lascivious. Obscene or indecent, as language or songs; salacious.

Liar - Compulsively and purposefully tells false truths more often than not. A person who has lied or who lies repeatedly.

Lustful - Driven by lust; preoccupied with or exhibiting lustful desires.

Masochist - The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

Meddlesome - Intrusive in a meddling or offensive manner, given to meddling; interfering.

Meek - Evidencing little spirit or courage; overly submissive or compliant; humble in spirit or manner; suggesting retiring mildness or even cowed submissiveness.

Megalomaniac - A psycho pathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence.

Naïve - Lacking worldly experience and understanding, simple and guileless; showing or characterized by a lack of sophistication and critical judgement.

Nervous - Easily agitated or distressed; high-strung or jumpy.

Non-violent - Abstaining from the use of violence.

Nosey - Given to prying into the affairs of others; snoopy. Offensively curious or inquisitive.

Obsessive - An unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone.

Oppressor - A person of authority who subjects others to undue pressures, to keep down by severe and unjust use of force or authority.

Overambitious - Having a strong excessive desire for success or achievement.

Overconfident - Excessively confident; presumptuous.

Overemotional - Excessively or abnormally emotional. Sensitive about themselves and others, more so than the average person.

Overprotective - To protect too much; coddle.

Overzealous - Marked by excessive enthusiasm for and intense devotion to a cause or idea.

Pacifist - Opposition to war or violence as a means of resolving disputes. (Can double as a merit in certain cases)

Paranoid - Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others.

Peevish - Expressing fretfulness and discontent, or unjustifiable dissatisfaction. Cantankerous, cross, ill-tempered, testy, captious, discontented, crotchety, cranky, ornery.

Perfectionist - A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.

Pessimist - A tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view.

Pest - One that pesters or annoys, with or without realizing it. Nuisance. Annoying. Nag.

Phobic – They have a severe form of fear when it comes to this one thing. Examples: Dark, Spiders, Cats

Practical - Level-headed, efficient, and unspeculative. No-nonsense.

Predictable - Easily seen through and assessable, where almost anyone can predict reactions and actions of said person by having met or known them even for a short time.

Proud - Filled with or showing excessive self-esteem and will often shirk help from others for the sake of pride.

Rebellious - Defying or resisting some established authority, government, or tradition; insubordinate; inclined to rebel.

Reckless - Heedless. Headstrong. Foolhardy. Unthinking boldness, wild carelessness and disregard for consequences.

Remorseless - Without remorse; merciless; pitiless; relentless.

Rigorous - Rigidly accurate; allowing no deviation from a standard; demanding strict attention to rules and procedures.

Sadist - The deriving of gratification or the tendency to derive gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others. Deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.

Sadomasochist - Both sadist and masochist combined.

Sarcastic - A subtle form of mockery in which an intended meaning is conveyed obliquely.

Skeptic - One who instinctively or habitually doubts, questions, or disagrees with assertions or generally accepted conclusions.

Seducer - To lead others astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; corrupt. To attempt to lead or draw someone away, as from principles, faith, or allegiance.

Selfish - Concerned chiefly or only with oneself.

Self-Martyr - One who purposely makes a great show of suffering in order to arouse sympathy from others, as a form of manipulation, and always for a selfish cause or reason.

Self-righteous - Piously sure of one’s own righteousness; moralistic. Exhibiting pious self-assurance. Holier-than-thou, sanctimonious.

Senile - Showing a decline or deterioration of physical strength or mental functioning, esp. short-term memory and alertness, as a result of old age or disease.

Shallow - Lacking depth of intellect or knowledge; concerned only with what is obvious.

Smart Ass - Thinks they know it all, and in some ways they may, but they can be greatly annoying and difficult to deal with at times, especially in arguments.

Soft-hearted - Having softness or tenderness of heart that can lead them into trouble; susceptible of pity or other kindly affection. They cannot resist helping someone they see in trouble, suffering or in need, and often don’t think of the repercussions or situation before doing so.

Solemn - Deeply earnest, serious, and sober.

Spineless - Lacking courage. Cowardly, wimp, lily-livered, gutless.

Spiteful - Showing malicious ill will and a desire to hurt; motivated by spite; vindictive person who will look for occasions for resentment. Vengeful.

Spoiled - Treated with excessive indulgence and pampering from earliest childhood, and has no notion of hard work, self-care or money management; coddled, pampered. Having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or over-solicitous attention.

Squeamish - Excessively fastidious and easily disgusted.

Stubborn - Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bull-headed. Firmly resolved or determined; resolute.

Superstitious - An irrational belief arising from ignorance or fear from an irrational belief that an object, action, or circumstance not logically related to a course of events influences its outcome.

Tactless - Lacking or showing a lack of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others.

Temperamental - Moody, irritable, or sensitive. Excitable, volatile, emotional. (Emitter Temprament!)

Theatrical - Having a flair for over dramatizing situations, doing things in a ‘big way’ and love to be ‘centre stage’.

Timid -Tends to be shy and/or quiet, shrinking away from offering opinions or from strangers and newcomers, fearing confrontations and violence.

Tongue-tied - Speechless or confused in expression, as from shyness, embarrassment, or astonishment.

Troublemaker - Someone who deliberately stirs up trouble, intentionally or unintentionally.

Unlucky - Marked by or causing misfortune; ill-fated. Destined for misfortune; doomed.

Unpredictable - Difficult to foretell or foresee, their actions are so chaotic it’s impossible to know what they are going to do next.

Untrustworthy - Not worthy of trust or belief. Backstabber.

Vain - Holding or characterized by an unduly high opinion of their physical appearance. Lovers of themselves. Conceited, egotistic, narcissistic.

Weak-willed - Lacking willpower, strength of will to carry out one’s decisions, wishes, or plans. Easily swayed.

Withdrawn - Not friendly or Sociable. Aloof.

Zealous - A fanatic.

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weshallneverrevolt · 6 years ago

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Trauma! at the Disco: “This is Gospel” and the Ghosts of Mental Illness

Like many people my age, I have a soft spot for mid-00s rock music. Being a teenage music listener in that time was very exciting; MySpace was thriving, and it opened up previously obscure genres. Before then, I doubt most people my age had never heard emo, or horrorcore, or post-hardcore. But by the time 2005 hit, we were all awash in black clothing and crunchy guitar riffs and lyrics about dying.

We loved this music for its emotional rawness, despite its clumsiness. If you listen to, say, Hawthorne Heights in 2018, lyrics like “cut my wrists and black my eyes” are cringey enough to be physically painful. But for a teenager of the time – even one not actually self-harming – there was nothing more cathartic than these over-the-top one liners.

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Still, the emotional truth was there, underneath layers of embarrassment. We can still feel it today, as one of those bands – Panic! at the Disco – is still capable of writing an emotional powerhouse of a song. That song in question is called “This is Gospel,” and for disaffected millennials it may be more cathartic than ever.

Note: this essay addresses psychological trauma, alcoholism, and substance abuse. Read with care if those things may upset you or hamper your path to recovery.

As we’ve all grown up, very few bands from the emo era have had real staying power. The ones that do embrace a theatrical edge that stretches beyond their genre. For instance, My Chemical Romance took teenage angst and made it into a Queen-esque rock opera called The Black Parade, and Skrillex parlayed his role in From First to Last into the equally angry, frenetic dubstep phenomenon.

This makes Panic! At the Disco especially interesting. Even on release of their debut, A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out, these guys were obviously something different. There was no screaming. The music was tinged with drum machines and accordions. Singer Brendon Urie’s voice was bright, clear, and almost operatic. The lyrics were literary – freshman year “I just read Fight Club” literary, sure, but still literary. Yet underneath these new elements beat the same teenage energy, where casual hookups were epic romances and someone not answering your text was the ultimate betrayal.

Though all of the original band members except Urie have since left, Panic! are still putting out albums in 2018. Their newest, Pray for the Wicked, sounds almost nothing like their debut. Given the band’s tumultuous history and shifting lineup, such a shakeup in their sound is understandable. Most of their original fans are probably as lukewarm on their current catalog as I am, but they’ve found their lane and stuck to it.

One element of the original sound, however, still persists: Brendon Urie can sing his ass off.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the piano version of “This is Gospel,” from their 2013 album Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die. The album version has the bombastic, electronic arena rock sound other bands from their era have (unfortunately) gravitated to; it’s rather generic, and the over-the-top production and poor mastering drown out Brendon’s voice.

But the band also released a gorgeous, stripped-down piano version, and it’s that version that really matters.

I mentioned earlier that Panic! has a bit of a tumultuous history. They started making music in their late teens, and when “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” launched their careers, they were too young to handle the fame. That had the most pronounced effect on drummer Spencer Smith, who eventually left the band due to his persistent drug and alcohol problems. Being a rock star is hard, but being a rock star at 19 sounds awful.

Per his own annotations on Genius, Brendan Urie wrote “This is Gospel” about Spencer’s addiction. It’s obvious from the lyrics, which are equal parts rage and a desperate plea. He leads off with this biblical verse:

This is gospel, for the fallen ones

Locked away in permanent slumber

Assembling their philosophies

From pieces of broken memories

From there, the song builds to a soaring chorus with the refrain of “if you love me, let me go.” Brendon’s voice is at once powerful and delicate, and his lyrics – comparing words to knives, expressing a “fear of falling apart” – convey a suffering but authentic friendship. Brendon’s anger is not at Spencer, but instead at Spencer’s addiction, a disease and all the awful things that caused it to fester.

Backing up to the opening verse, that biblical theme runs throughout the song. For Brendon, his friend’s addiction feels religious. It doesn’t always make sense, and his friend doesn’t always believe in it, but it still shapes his life. If you grow up religious, you can renounce it when you’re older…but the memories still persist.

Addiction and trauma can go hand-in-hand, but even separately they are almost mirror images. As an addict might drink til blackout night after night, a traumatized person relives their troubled past by acting out, or self-harming, or self-loathing. It’s a cycle you get trapped in, and most of it is tied to something that, far in the past, really messed you up. It becomes a set of rules you live by. A gospel.

There is a concept in psychology called the "repetition compulsion." It's the idea that most human behavior is driven by a need to relive past experiences, even if those past experiences were harmful. It's why people can repeatedly date terrible partners, why addicts can relapse, and why parents who abuse their kids were often abused themselves. Often, these people know what they're doing is wrong. They know they are hurting themselves and others. They fully understand that they should not do these things.

And yet, there is a powerful, emotional tug binding them to their trauma, one they may never overcome. It’s a past assembled “from pieces of broken memories.”

In this way, trauma is scripture, both functionally and figuratively. Like the Bible or Qur'an, it's a way of dealing with huge questions. Why am I here? Why do people do bad things? Why does my heart hurt so much? Trauma provides the earliest and most convenient answers, with the unfortunate caveat that those answers usually hurt you.

Brendon Urie was raised in the Mormon church, and left when he was 17. As a pansexual, slim suit-wearing singer in a rock band, he's pretty far from his LDS roots. Perhaps this is why his performance here - and his lyrics - are so heartfelt. Coming to terms with your trauma often feels like renouncing a religion, complete with all the burned bridges, strained family relationships, and sense of being eternally lost.

The aching truth of surviving trauma is that it follows you forever. It gives you rules for how you think, how you maintain relationships, how you view yourself. Because of those rules, you think it gives you stability. Sometimes that stability feels like love, in the same way that a good partner makes you feel safe. It's precious predictability. But if your trauma truly loved you, then - as Brendon sings - it would let you go. Admitting that is both important and unimaginably painful.

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Another of my favorite vocalists, Frank Ocean, has a similarly beautiful ballad called "Bad Religion." In it, he croons "if it brings me to my knees, it's a bad religion." Trauma is a bad religion, and worse than any of the others we create, it is often one we cannot choose. Leaving it behind feels like betraying an old friend. It’s a "fear of falling apart."

If trauma is the holy book of our lives, we can only move forward by burning it. Build a pyre with your trauma and stoke the flames until the heat frightens you. Let it all burn to the ground. Use the ashes as war paint, and maybe listen to Brendon’s advice:

Don't try to sleep through the end of the world

And bury me alive

Cause I won’t give up without a fight

#panic at the disco #brendon urie #this is gospel #too weird to live too rare to die #music #emo #2000s #2000s music #criticism #mental health #addiction #trauma #mental illness #my chemical romance #frank ocean #spencer smith #essay #why is it good #tw self harm

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whittynovels · 7 years ago

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okay but what are you hoping will happen in Restore Me? because im so excited!

here’s a brief list

• Juliette sees a bird• James and warner scenes• Warner POV sexytimes• Warner POV, literally at all. We haven’t seen Juliette from Warner’s POV except in his dreams in destroy me. I can’t fucking wait.• Expanded worldbuilding• Finding out more about leaders of other sectors• Finding out more about other supreme commanders• If America is fucked up then what’s the rest of the world like• How is Juliette going to stand up to literally the entire world• Leaving sector 45• Finality in warner’s mother’s death (a funeral is a stretch but some kind of extended discussion about her)• Juliette learning how to drive a car• Juliette learning how to run a country• Warner working out with Juliette• Juliette getting more clothes (either by her own will with Warner’s help, or giving him permission to buy her more things)• Learning how characters’ powers expand (Can adam project his power? Can he stop them from using their power without touching them? Can warner influence others’ emotions? Etc.)• Meeting juliette’s parents• Having warner roast juliette’s parents• Having Juliette roast juliette’s parents• Kenji and warner growing on each other• Warner laughing at kenji’s jokes• Kenji getting a love interest• Brendan + Winston confirmed in a relationship• Juliette apologizes to warner for shooting him• Juliette helps rebuild the sector with her bare hands• Juliette talking and connecting with residents• Juliette returning to her hometown• Warner and Juliette having their first fight as a couple• Warner and Juliette having their first make-up sex as a couple• Warnette being completely unashamed to hide their relationship from people• Warner slowly becoming less of a stale loaf of bread about social interaction• More of Juliette roasting warner about how shitty he was to her• NEW CHARACTERS!!!!!! DIVERSE CHARACTERS!!!!!! NEW POWERS!!!!!!!• FEMALE FRIENDSHIP!!!!!• More Kenji backstory• Warnette + holidays (Christmas and birthdays, preferably)• James finding out about his brother• Omega Point people learning Warner’s first name• Flashbacks to warner’s childhood in warner POV• Flashbacks to previous parts of the series in Warner’s POV• CHAPTER 62 IN WARNER’S POV• PAGER SCENE IN WARNER’S POV• CHAPTER 55 IN WARNER’S POV• CHAPTER 56 IN WARNER’S POV• CHAPTER 58 IN WARNER’S POV• Juliette being literally the kindest person on the entire planet to everyone• Meals downstairs in the huge dining hall again, except less awkward and violent• Kenji singing• Juliette finding her passions and hobbies• Warner being a fucking nerd and wearing lots of different fashion choices• JULIETTE SEES A BIRD• JULIETTE FLIES IN AN AIRPLANE• Warner has to confront his fear of spiders• What warner had to do to be leader of sector 45• The extent of the mental abuse that warner went through as a child (ie. The meanings of the repeated phrases in his nightmares in destroy me. I think “it’s almost over” is one of them but I haven’t read destroy me in like 3 years so I forgot)• An experimentation of writing style as Juliette is transforming again• Character arcs we’ve never even dreamt of• Anderson backstory• More explanation about the pressure waves guy• A hamilton reference, hopefully. Or any pop culture references would make me die.• All characters survive the series except the ones we don’t care about• Flesh out the omega point characters better• James being an innocent lil bean• Warner + Adam interactions in warner POV.• More plot twists that make me pee myself in class• An explanation of Warner and baseball• Basically all the hot goss about warner in his childhood• Learning intimate details about warner like the music he likes and little dorky habits he has• Kenji finally being allowed to use the F word like he deserves• Someone (or everyone) getting drunk• Warner gets another tattoo�� Juliette gets a tattoo• Adam/kenji/others find out about Warner’s scars• Everyone getting dressed up for a party/meeting/event• Juliette wearing makeup• JULIETTE AND DELALIEU BONDING• BUT ALSO JULIETTE ROASTING DELALIEU FOR NOT CARING ABOUT LEILA• Warner + stubble• Someone trying to shoot warner but juliette puts her hand out to block his chest and catches the bullet in her bare hand• Explanation of how Kenji and Juliette got separated at the end of Ignite Me• Warner not getting a buzzcut• Literally fucking please do not touch his hair • The only touching of warner’s hair should be Juliette when she is gripping it between her fingers as he eats her out, and that is ALL• Juliette hanging out with james• Kenji LOATHING adam. Like refuses to be in the same room as him. Refuses to put up with his bullshit and let Juliette forgive him easily.• Warner and kenji finding out that Juliette said to adam, “you’re really good at turning me off”• Warner and Juliette giving presents to each other (not sexually get ur head out of the gutter)• Juliette training with Warner to help him use her power• Juliette and Warner using her power together• Juliette’s shared power during sex• Juliette meeting an animal/petting an animal/getting an animal• Animals in general just returning to the world• Finding out about warner’s past love interests• Finding out if warner was a virgin• Finding out if juliette was warner’s first kiss• Warner teaching Juliette the shooting range• Warner finding out what adam said to her before the pager scene• Warner POV of talking to adam/discussing their backstories• Learning more about juliette’s childhood. Her interests. Hobbies. What she did in her free time. How she did in school. What music she liked. What she wanted to do with her life. What she feared worst.• Cuddles in the bath (no sex)• Juliette reading. Warner reading. Them discussing books. Books books books.• WARNETTE READING SHAKESPEARE• Goddamn cliffhangers• Juliette + lingerie • Everyone getting technology. Phones. I want warner and Juliette to have phones so bad.• Juliette practicing physical fighting and Adam volunteers to fight her• Warnette discussion about having kids• Warnette actually having kids???• Juliette sorting through mental health issues, finding a diagnosis and coping strategies• MORE EXPLANATION OF BRENDAN HAVING A CRUSH ON JULIETTE• Kenji telling everyone everything he’s witnessed while they thought they were alone because he was lurking & being invisible• Juliette and Warner drinking coffee together in the morning (bonus: sharing a mug)• Warner defending/protecting James• Warnette in a thunderstorm (either outside in it or inside listening to it)• OR SNOW!!!!!! WARNETTE IN SNOW• Warner telling Juliette about the nightmares he used to have about her• Warner having nightmares & Juliette comforting him• Juliette having nightmares and Warner comforting her• Warnette discussing politics, religion, feminism, etc.• So many forehead kisses• Adam having a villain arc.• Juliette villain arc? Okay, this isn’t necessarily an item on the ~wishlist~, but I wouldn’t be surprised if in 3 more books she at some point lost touch with reality and her progress and took things too far and was blinded by her own power• Castle being Juliette’s mentor and helper with decisions and stuff

#Anonymous

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bobbystompy · 5 years ago

Text

My Top 75 Songs Of 2019

Previously: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

First time going below 100 songs since 2015, and I cannot wait. Giving this extra juice already.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

This is usually the part where I put up a pump up video, but we are going with something a little different this year.

youtube

(It was stuck my head. Blame Blink-155.)

75) YG - “In The Dark”

The video begins with YG chugging a full tequila bottle -- sure. This song is very bad. It’s like he’s in a competition to make the verse lyrics worse than the chorus lyrics (spoiler alert: the verses “win”); not even satanic imagery can save this.

74) Solange - “Stay Flo”

Here’s a weird take: wouldn’t Solange’s career be way more fun if everyone slept on her? Instead, it’s hype on hype -- plus being Beyoncé’s sister -- which makes it nearly impossible to deliver. This has a fun beat/vibe but is kinda boring... and was still easily my favorite off her album.

73) Art Alexakis - “The Hot Water Test”

My doctors told me that I had a disease / I will slowly fall apart until there’s nothing left that looks like me

This song makes the stakes clear immediately. It was released a few months after I saw Art play in June 2019 on my birthday. At the intimate show, he revealed his multiple sclerosis diagnosis as if we were all his closest friends. Something like this is never easy to deal with -- a similar announcement by the Lucky Boys Confusion singer did not help matters -- but music can help such a painful situation, and it’s clearly Alexakis’ exile here.

72) The Cranberries - “In The End”

A very suitable sendoff for the band following the passing of singer Dolores O’Riordan. The recording story (via NPR):

O'Riordan died suddenly in January 2018 at 46 years old and left behind the vocal tracks to what was intended to be the band's latest album. Now, O'Riordan's bandmates have decided to complete that album, In The End — the last album the band will release — in her memory.

[...]

In June 2017, O'Riordan and Hogan started emailing album ideas and demos back and forth to each other. O'Riordan had been very open about her struggles with mental health and addiction, which would affect the band at times, but they wanted to make a new album. Hogan says that when they were emailing those demos, she was in a good place. They started laying down her demos.

"All of that was kind of behind her," Hogan says. "She's kind of found a way to cope with the mental health thing. That's why she wanted to write so much. That's what she kept saying, 'I have so much to say, I just need the music to put it to.' "

Hogan says O'Riordan's apparent stability is what made her death even more tragic and devastating. (Officials ruled O'Riordan's cause of death to be accidental drowning due to alcohol intoxication.) But after a period of mourning, the remaining band members remembered they still had O'Riordan's demos. As Hogan remembers, they finally had the courage to start listening to them again in late February and, with her family's permission, started recording in April. "We spoke to her family and said, 'Look, how do you feel about us finishing the album?' And they were really supportive," Lawler says. "They were delighted, actually. They gave us their blessing."

Hogan says, in a sense, they were used to O'Riordan not being in the studio when they recorded — "Dolores hated hanging around the studio once we worked on our parts" — but, of course, this time was different.

71) Raleigh Ritchie - “Time In A Tree”

Exercise time. Play the first minute or so of this song without looking at any YouTube visuals.

/waits for you

OK, who are you picturing singing this? Got your image?

Well, whatever it was, you’re wrong -- it’s GREY WORM HIMSELF.

This was the best thing about “Game of Thrones” in 2019, sadly.

70) Culture Abuse - “Goo”

Simple, effective, gets out before you can dislike much.

69) Lil Pump f/ Lil Wayne - “Be Like Me”

Sometimes, a song starts, and you can just tell it’s going to be ignorant. Even before the vocals kick in. This was probably our moment here:

Between that and the beat, it’s like the only thing you can think is “Ohhhh, he’s about to say some horrible things about women.”

Other choice lines:

- “Yes, I’m hella ignorant, I don’t give a fuck” (he even says it in the song)

- “I take drugs like it’s Vitamin C / I’m a millionaire, but I don’t know how to read”

This song almost feels like it existed already.

68) The Get Up Kids - “Satellite”

Finally, our first rock song with some punch. This probably takes the crown from both DMB and P.O.D.

67) Bad Religion - “My Sanity”

BR is historically my favorite band, so it is rather deflating to see them so far back on this list. That said, it is Year 40 (!!!) of their existence, so some can be forgiven. Yet... we’ve never needed them more, you know? It’s this weird mixture of resentment but understanding.

66) Billy Liar - “The Righteous & The Rats”

Gonna see him (them?) open for The Bombpops in March; looks quite promising. Has an old school Brit punk feel.

65) Beach Slang - “AAA”

Beach Slang never lets you forget they love -- no, like, LOVE -- The Replacements. When this cover dropped, I googled “replacements AAA”, and, surprisingly, nothing came up.

Ohhh, what I fool I was. After more digging, I discovered a band called Grandpaboy who performed “AAA”.

“Oh, damn -- he finally went outside the box with this pick.”

No. Grandpaboy is fronted by Paul Westerberg. Singer of, you guessed it, The Replacements.

James Alex wears his heart on his sleeve so hard, he might as well give the heart a little jacket so his heart can wear its own heart on its sleeve.

HE DID THAT TOO?!

You can’t even make jokes about this band; they live in the jokes with their damn earnestness.

64) Gesaffelstein & The Weeknd - “Lost In The Fire”

Even lesser known Weeknd-involved tracks sound like they could lead a soundtrack or close out a festival. Are you familiar with this one at all? It has 87 million views on YouTube. Abel is never not not playing.

63) FIDLAR - “By Myself”

Started from the bottom and I’m still at the bottom

Falling apart never felt so carefree and burdenless.

62) Constant Elevation - “Fuck Runnin”

As hardcore punk as this list is gonna get. All glory to Vinnie Caruana. Though none of his solo tracks from 2019 made it, this has an undeniable energy and confidence. Plus probably the best song title of the year.

61) Maren Morris f/ Brandi Carlile - “Common”

A focused duet that drills into relationship dynamics before throwing a personal theology wrench in the middle of the chorus.

60) Anti-Flag - “Christian Nationalist”

AF going in on the white, religious right. This is like throwing a 50 mph pitch to -- /looks up good baseball players -- Pete Alonso.

59) Cokie The Clown - “Punk Rock Saved My Life”

This is less of a song and more of a confessional essay, and it gets harder and harder to look away with every revealing detail. If NOFX’s Fat Mike needed this character as a vehicle to get all of these autobiographical details off his chest, hopefully it’s a helpful therapy.

58) White Reaper - “Might Be Right”

“Judy French” is such an untoppable song, but “Might Be Right” has a similar dynamic.

57) Denzel Curry - “RICKY”

Denzel Curry as a rap moniker is such a slam dunk.

/looks up actual name

!!!

56) Ariana Grande - “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”

It takes a special kind of hot girl twisted to issue this unflinching request while totally pulling it off.

55) Goody Grace f/ blink-182 - “Scumbag”

Not sure if Goody is a Soundcloud rapper, punk rocker, or some kinda emo hybrid of both.

A few asides:

- Have we ever -- ever -- heard Travis Barker this subdued on drums?

- On the Blink-155 podcast, Goody said he gave Tom from the Plain White T’s a songwriting credit because he unintentionally lifted some melodies from “Hey There Delilah”, but... I really don’t hear it at all; like, it sounds maybe in the same key but not much else?

54) Jonas Brothers - “Sucker”

Despite their popularity in the past, I do not think I could name a single JoBros song. That changed in 2019 with this poppy, light, clappy, Maroon 5-style single.

53) Goo Goo Dolls - “Money, Fame & Fortune”

Someone -- coulda sworn it was Brendan Kelly -- said this was Goo Goo Dolls sounding like Fake Problems, and that is spot on.

52) AJJ - “A Poem”

A poem is song that no one cares about

This short, folky tune led to one of my favorite Twitter exchanges of the year, when I reached out to a music journalist with a question and AJJ came flying off the top rope.

51) DaBaby - “Suge”

This song is fun, but I really don’t get it. Beat is cool, flow is fine... this is the new face of hip-hop? His name is DaBaby! What are we doing here?!

50) Laura Stevenson - “Jesus, Etc.”

Taking a classic and doing it full justice/adding some harmonies.

49) blink-182 - “Not Another Christmas Song”

Blink’s 2019 album “Nine” was very, very bad because it tried too hard and was not good. This song, released later in the year, takes an opposite approach and actually works. We get lyrics that are discontent, even clumsy at times -- the “I miss fucking in the rain” line is so out of place/cringe-y but actually feels real and not workshopped by 10 producers. The trio can hopefully use this better b-side to figure out the best songwriting should flow out of you without having to go through multiple stations on a conveyor belt first.

48) Dave Hause - “Eye Aye I”

This song has a lot I love (catchy chorus, wistful thoughts, hairline analyses) and a lot I don’t (genuine use of the word “old bores”, Van Halen getting respect), but one thing is clear: Dave Hause is in complete control.

47) Beck - “Up All Night”

I’ve casually followed Beck’s entire career and would not have guessed this was him if given 100 chances. As an exercise, I’m going to pull up the 2020 Coachella lineup and randomly point to an artist.

/pulls up lineup and points

I got Daniel Caesar. If you told me this was Daniel Caesar, that would probably make more sense here.

46) Shawn Mendes - “If I Can’t Have You”

Randomly came into Shawn Mendes tickets in 2019, and good gracious, that was something. Other than parents, we were the oldest people there by a lot. Getting to watch thousands of teens and preteens legitimately having the best moment of their lives was downright inspiring. When you’re that young, it’s not even hyperbole. Phones were flagrantly out; I’m talking 20+ minutes of straight video being filmed. I wanted to judge so badly, but if you gave me an iPhone at my first concert when I was 14, who the hell knows how egregious my behavior would’ve been. As fun as the whole experience was, I never wanted to be in a grimy punk club more. Sometimes, leaving your comfort zone makes you appreciate your home base more.

This is a rock solid pop song, but there are way too many you/you rhymes to not penalize it some.

45) Big Thief - “Cattails”

The whitest song you will ever hear that isn’t written by Vampire Weekend.

44) Bayside - “Prayers”

Bayside went super metal with their 2019 release “Interrobang” (such a sick name). So yes, the guitars are a touch harder than you might be used to, but the chorus soars; a great hook transcends genre.

43) Naughty Boy & Mike Posner - “Live Before I Die”

Few had as interesting of a year as Mike Posner. Following a breakup, the death of his father, and the death of Avicii, he decided to walk across the United States of America. He legit became Forrest Gump, right down to the beard and grown out hair.

In the video, you can see how a snakebite hospitalized him and almost derailed the whole trek. After a rehabilitation period where he almost lost his leg, our man finally makes it to the Pacific Ocean. If nothing else, watch for the ending -- it’s exhilarating.

42) Post Malone - “Wow.”

Post is flexing in this one; we’ve got slow motion jamming with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, international flights, a dancing beard guy, and a Fall Out Boy name check which really makes them sound cooler than they are now.

41) Bryce Vine f/ YG - “La La Land”

Sometimes, these summertime Cali songs write themselves. That is until YG comes in and flips over the board before you can finish the game. By the time the Coachella reference is dropped when Bryce comes back in, you realize 1:47 may have actually been a better endpoint for the song than its 2:47 length.

40) David Rokos - “Backseat Drives”

It’s winter in Chicago, again and until forever. If you haven’t been to the Jewel in the South Loop or Marshall Field’s before they changed it, just listen to this so you don’t actually have to.

39) Simple Creatures - “Drug”

Mark Hoppus and the dude from All Time Low give us this synth-pop bop that feels like the duo shooting their shot at a real mainstream pop hits. It didn’t quite get there, but they should feel OK about where it landed.

38) Chris Cresswell - “To The Wind”

My interest in The Flatliners ramped up considerably in 2019, as their near decade old record “Cavalcade” got plenty of spins (peep “Filthy Habits”; just stunningly incredible punk). Though they did not release anything this year, their singer put out “To The Wind”, a longing song about missing someone.

37) Kesha f/ Big Freedia - “Raising Hell”

Kesha, with the help of New Orleans’ Big Freedia, gives us another one. I’ve personally dug Kesha for a while now, but when is it time for us as a society to put her into the all-time conversation for pop artists? She has at least, like, seven HOF certifiable bangers. Plus she kills a guy in this music video.

In conclusion, I think this could translate to a country song very easily.

36) No Lenox - “Marquee”

Illinois/Japan’s No Lenox are back with Reuben Baird on the mixer and legendary masterer Collin Jordan (of The Boiler Room) on the, well, master, and the fullness in sound leads to the assault that is the “I saw your name on the marquee / Your friends were milling around outside” part. They only play it once, but I really could’ve gone for closer to five.

35) Red City Radio - “Love A Liar”

Rapid fire Red City Radio gets this one done in exactly 120 seconds.

34) Barely March - “Lead Single”

This sounds like Joyce Manor turned up to a 17 out of 10 before unexpectedly turning into a hellogoodbye song.

33) New Lenox - “Old Words”

Not a typo from two songs ago -- legitimately a different band. This one was written by your boy. The first 15 seconds were from a demo recorded 1/2/16 before developing the rest in 2019 (after some encouragement). We have Dave Rokos on guitar/bass, Dave Hernandez on hums, and Brian Bedford on some very temporary sleigh bells. Themes: online dating, resolutions, exes, currents, Black Wednesday, hope, and Carly Rae Jepsen stage banter.

32) MakeWar - “Sails”

Honey, I can’t make it on my own

You might get some Gaslight Anthem vibes as the vocals come in, but by the time the song ends, MakeWar leaves their own imprint on this impassioned ballad.

31) Sheryl Crow & Johnny Cash - “Redemption Day”

Was gonna say Johnny’s voice could move mountains before realizing no, Johnny’s voice is the mountains.

30) American Football f/ Hayley Williams - “Uncomfortably Numb”

Sensitivity deprived I can't feel a thing inside I blamed my father in my youth Now as a father, I blame the booze

An unlikely collaboration that makes you forget about its unlikeliness by the two minute mark. The two voices trade spots, mesh, harmonize, and weave throughout this beautiful song.

Asides:

- Blake from “Workaholics” in the video?!

- Choose to interpret this song’s title as a Pink Floyd diss

- “I’ll make new friends in the ambulance” should be a 2005-level emo lyric that we all mock, yet it’s somehow one of the most stunningly appropriate closers of the entire year

- I wish my friend Luke was with us to hear it

29) Stuck Out Here - “Embarrass You”

Stuck Out Here got onto my radar with 2014′s amazingly named “Getting Used To Feeling Like Shit”. Five years later, they’re back -- and not feeling much better. The Toronto quartet’s Bandcamp describes the song like this:

They’re fucking up, but unlike previous releases, they’re finally holding themselves accountable.

You can even kinda hear their Canadian accents in the “I’m sorry I embarrass you...” part.

28) The Weeknd - “Heartless”

The Weeknd will be on these lists as long as he continues to make music even 1/8th as good as this.

27) The Chainsmokers f/ blink-182 - “P.S. I Hope You’re Happy”

A simple song that’s a touch more clever than you first realize. The Chainsmokers guy is giving me some real Owl City vibes. Also, how airtight of an apology is the line “I blame myself for when I was someone else”. It’s like the modern way of saying “When I was a child, I spoke like a child”.

Also also, the “I will find a way somehow...” harmony in the pre-chorus is as pretty as music got in 2019. The Chainsmokers are so sonically pleasing, whether you end up liking the music or not.

26) Vampire Weekend - “Harmony Hall”

ooooooooh, that crisp guitar in the intro

25) Alex Lahey - “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself”

If Carly Rae Jepsen can get a sword, why can’t Alex Lahey get a god damn saxophone? HIT ME.

That solo, combined with the “Mighty Ducks” reference in the chorus, make this song untouchable.

24) Lizzo - “Truth Hurts”

Let’s be clear: this did drop in 2017 but was technically re-released in 2019, so it does qualify for our list despite the criteria threatening timeline. Anyway.

The walking piano part, the iconic intro line (with a lawsuit!), the Minnesota Vikings reference (causing a Green Bay radio edit), and all of the damn positivity. Lizzo was among music’s big winners this year, and her success made you wonder how the hell someone this talented was slept on for those two years.

Let’s end with the purse.

23) An Horse - “Ship Of Fools”

Awkward band name, but a song that makes you pay attention. Kinda like Tegan and Sara, had they stayed more rock. So much urgency in the vocals and lyrics.

22) Charli XCX f/ Lizzo - “Blame It On Your Love”

Trippy vid; Charli continues to give us anthems. Wasn’t super high on the Lizzo cameo, but it somehow made more sense in the context of said video.

21) Sincere Engineer - “Dragged Across The Finish Line”

Sincere Engineer is back -- you can tell from the second those guitar leads get goin’. Drums from 1:19 to 1:36 = /heart eyes emoji. My buddy Cox said his next tattoo very well could be the outro lyric “Too dumb to succeed, too honest to cheat”.

(Bonus fact: they did a beer collaboration/show with Pollyanna Brewing Company in 2019.)

20) Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road”

Was unwilling to listen when this first dropped solely because of how horrible Lil Nas X’s name is (”What if a rapper came out named ‘Lil Jay-Z X’?!”)... what a foolish notion. One billion streams and a Billy Cyrus cameo later, I wouldn’t have been able to miss out on the Song of the Summer (and year) if I tried. More notes:

- Picked this because I had to, but “Panini” is legit good (200+ million streams)

- Went with the original (sorry, Billy), which is a beautiful 1:53 long (brevity, brevity, brevity)

- Did you know: Lil Nas X uses a Nine Inch Nails sample on the beat? This Rolling Stone interview with Trent Reznor is super interesting

Reznor calls “Old Town Road” “undeniably hooky,” but once it exploded, he took a back seat to the phenomenon. “The reason I haven’t stepped in to comment anything about it is, I don’t feel it’s my place to play any kind of social critic to that,” he says. “It was a material that was used in a significant way and it turned into something that became something else, and those guys should be the ones the spotlight is on…. They asked if I wanted to do a cameo in the video, and it was flattering, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to shine a light on me for that. I say that with complete respect.”

Still, Reznor is amazed at how the song became a juggernaut. “Having been listed on the credits of the all-time, Number One whatever-the-fuck-it-is wasn’t something…I didn’t see that one coming,” he says. “But the world is full of weird things that happen like that. It’s flattering. But I don’t feel it’s for me to step in there and pat myself on the back for that.”

19) Gryffin & Carly Rae Jepsen - “OMG”

What doesn’t this little bop have? It’s kinda Chainsmoker-y and tingles like cool breath hitting the back of your neck.

18) Craig Finn - “Blankets”

You travel your whole life just to get out to the place you’re gonna die

I love everything about this song: the artwork, the intro, the climax, the command Craig Finn has from start to finish -- with such a payoff. Now several albums in, the greatest compliment we can give is that his solo stuff now feels more essential than Hold Steady releases*. You can even hear it in this line: “When we got to the Twin Cities / I said ‘Man, I know some songs about this place’”. Another life.

17) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Now That I Found You”

Carly always keeps us in the sky; picking one song was difficult because the album is even more fulfilling as you get to put the pieces together.

16) Billie Eilish - “Bad Guy”

Different genres*, but Billie Eilish lived up to her hype in the exact same way Lana Del Rey did in the earlier part of the decade. Lana said she was the gangster Nancy Sinatra and totally fucking was. Billie feels like something potentially even bigger. Nearly everything about her aura lets you project (or even second guess, if you’re a skeptic). Is she dead-eyed because she’s high or disaffected? Or just Aubrey Plaza? Is it her or her brother that’s pulling the strings? How can someone so young be so good already? In the skinny fashion era of All Achilles Everything, how is she rocking such loose fits?

“I never want the world to know everything about me. I mean that’s why I wear big baggy clothes,” she said. “Nobody can have an opinion because they haven’t seen what’s underneath.”

“Nobody can be like ‘Oh, she’s slim-thick, she’s not slim-thick, she’s got a flat ass, she’s got a fat ass,’” she continued. “No one can say any of that because they don’t know.”

It almost seems too easy, but how much sense does that make to you?

Great jokes aside, I have so much anticipation for what’s next, with assured belief in its potential. Pitchfork:

In 10 years, she will still be well under 30. Let’s hope the planet survives that long.

Yes.

(* - though not totally)

15) Ben Gibbard - “Filler”

Before you check Gibbard’s, please listen to the original by Minor Threat. That’s what he had to work with. From there, a total transformation while doing the near impossible -- keeping its beating heart.

14) Martha - “Wrestlemania VIII”

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Third favorite song title of the year/favorite music video of the year. This is energetic, bratty punk at its finest; also surprised to find out it was British, but, based on the upcoming tour dates and YouTube description...

This is a silly & frankly quite rubbish video but when you are a band trapped within surveillance capitalism's endless hunger for content trying to promote a tour sometimes things will be a silly & frankly quite rubbish.

I love them. Seriously didn’t even notice the accents in the singing until I knew to look for them; now, it’s all I can hear. Also, the part in the video where they finally show someone with an instrument, only he stops playing guitar halfway into the solo (/crying emoji).

THEY SAY ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDA

13) Chance The Rapper f/ Ben Gibbard - “Do You Remember”

Chance The Rapper dropped a one hour and 17 minute album in 2019 because he is a monster. I could not name three songs on it, but this one stood out big. It’s Chano doing what he does best: reminiscing and evoking summer in his city. Gibbard on the hook gives it that 2005 nostalgia while also making you say “Damn, it’s been nearly 15 years since 2005?!”

Fav two lines:

1) “Used to have obsession with the ‘27 Club’ / Now I'm turning 27, wanna make it to the 2070 club / Put the 27's down, Lord, give me a clean lung / Took the ring up out the box, I know this ain't no brief love”

2) “That summer left a couple tan lines / I love my city, they let me cut the line on the Dan Ryan”

(If you know, you know.)

Two more asides:

- If you Google “death cab for cutie”, the next autofill from there is “do you remember”. Rough for the legacy.

- “My daughter on the swing like the 2017 Cubs” is a line that confused me, but here’s how Genius explained it:

Chance is talking about a memorable summer and the things that made him happy. This line continues that theme when he raps about his daughter happily on a swing and how that’s similar to the 2017 Cubs. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series in 2016; therefore, the 2017 season was one of celebration and relaxation as the pressure of the 108 year drought was over.

12) Lana Del Rey - “The Greatest”

I miss Long Beach, and I miss you...

Listening to this song feels like watching the cement dry on a classic in real time. Lana Del Rey’s galactic “Norman Fucking Rockwell!” dominated lists at the end of 2019, and she -- to borrow her word -- fucking deserved it.

- The Beach Boys line is so god damn perfect

- The guitar solo (soooo sick)

- The breathy singing; the crooning; the notes that go up and then down until you’re surrounded by melody

- The perfection of this album name (minus the very iffy exclamation point) will have me comparing nearly any other all-time album title for probably the rest of our lives

- Tried playing this album during my Monday night pickup basketball run, and it very much failed... but that’s about the only thing it couldn’t do

- I’m told the dude with her on the album cover is Jack Nicholson’s grandson (named Duke Nicholson, because of course)

11) Off With Their Heads - “No Love”

If you do not like punk rock, this will be unlistenable. If you do, what a treat! I love how dissatisfied and put off he sounds, and, while there are a few more lively songs remaining on the list, none in 2019 got fast-tracked to my workout/pump up playlist at this speed.

Factoring in the band’s van accident (occurred after the release of this song), the “There’s nothing I could say that’s ever gonna make it right” outro becomes hauntingly clairvoyant.

10) Drake f/ Rick Ross - “Money In The Grave”

We need to face facts: it was a down year for stadium hip-hop. Nowhere on this list do you see Jay, Em, Kendrick, or Kanye (rest in peace). This was my favorite rap song of the year, and it couldn’t even crack the Top 5. Similar to his beloved Raptors -- who are being celebrated here -- it’s almost as if Drake needed some injuries outside his own locker room to get the crown. But I’m done being bummed, let’s focus on the good:

- Ohhhh, the intro (”I mean where. the fuck. should I. really even start?”)

- The way he says “grave” in the hook like he can barely contain

- The hook itself -- read it out loud: “When I die, put my money in the grave”

- How cool Ross sounds when he breaks in

- The Zion reference

The bad:

- Rarely take this angle, but really wouldn’t mind if it were longer

- Misogyny

9) PUP - “Bloody Mary, Kate And Ashley”

Second favorite song title of the year, 6/8 time signature, satanic references, drugs, hallucinations (maybe), and, yes, the Olsen twins.

8) Better Oblivion Community Center - “Sleepwalkin’”

“It’s impossible to count...”

The intro, as the tempo gets jarringly slower and slower, ironically helps you acclimate quicker. This Phoebe Bridgers/Conor Oberst collab was my No. 1 played track of 2019 (the album coming out in January definitely helped). The song builds to Phoebe’s solo part:

You like beer and chocolate I like setting off those bottle rockets We can never compromise But fighting 'til the death keeps us alive

It’s sung so well, you can almost feel the heat of the spotlight on her through the stereo. The lyrics could be anything.

The chill guitar solo takes us out.

7) AM Taxi - “Saint Jane”

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Adam Krier is such a rockstar, he had me shouting “I’m no hero, at best a zero!” within my fifth listen -- and I was skeptical as hell when I first heard the line. But that’s about where it stopped. You can tell this song is going to rip even before the vocals come in. When they do (”These fears don’t die, you get older and they multiply”), it’s just fucking time to go.

6) Taylor Swift - “Paper Rings”

My favorite pop song of 2019. Tay is firing on all cylinders; every lyric is exactly where it’s supposed to be; boppy and fun and sincere (while still being light-hearted). Still holding out minor hope it will be a single in 2020.

5) Pkew Pkew Pkew - “The Polynesian”

I’ve always said the best songs make you want to live the lyrics, whether they are positive or negative. This one had me researching “polynesian wisconsin” faster than I’m comfortable disclosing. And yes “bed bugs” and “needles” were both in the Top 7 recommended searches after those first two words.

Pkew Pkew Pkew collaborated with Craig Finn on some of their lyrics on 2019′s “Optimal Lifestyles”, and I’d be blown away if he doesn’t have fingerprints on this one -- the storytelling is pristine. Go into this open-minded, and I’d be shocked if you weren’t shouting the “Goatees, tall cans, camo pants, and Packers fans” mantra by the end.

Bonus story: this St. Patrick’s day in Chicago, I asked my friend Sara (Wisconsin native) if she’d ever stayed there, and she held up her elbow and showed me a scar from the hotel’s water slide. Your boy was over the moon.

4) Spanish Love Songs - “Losers”

It gets harder, doesn’t it?

Dylan Slocum has a way of not just writing depressing songs -- many lyricists are good at that -- but specifically depressing songs. This song contemplates death, homelessness, squandering your limited time on the planet, credit card debt, leeching off your parents because you have no other choice, crippling illness, and completely giving up because there genuinely is no other choice. The last lines are, without any hint of winking, “We’re mediocre. We’re losers. Forever.”

It’s wonderful.

Two straight Top 4 finishes for SLS; their 2020 album should be something special.

3) oso oso - “the view”

If Jade Lilitri is making personal progress in “microscopic strides”, you wouldn’t be able to tell by his songwriting. Every tune has a way of warming up your entire body and being. This grabs you, whether it’s the laid back guitar or the mismatched quick drums or the big ass chorus. While it came down to this one or “basking in the glow” (an actual single), the bridge here puts us over the top:

But not as much as the phone ringing Not as much playing my house Not as much as the way her goddamn voice sounds It's like taking in sun And then taking it back I fall into old habits I'm stepping over your cracks again

Her voice? This song.

2) The Menzingers - “Strangers Forever”

This song makes me want to rip up walls, sprint through streets with no destination, shred my lungs screaming off rooftops, bash hands drumming the steering wheel until my sprained fingers beg me to stop. It is such a perfect encapsulation of my favorite band of the decade and possibly of all-time.

Scranton’s sons gave me everything and more from 2010 through 2019, so it’s fitting they end so high here. This is probably the most clownable sentence of them all, but I am so constantly thankful I am alive to experience Greg Barnett’s songwriting. What he creates, I can only compare to the best books or movies or athletes or even personal relationships.

The way the guitar alternates in the headphones to start, the drums that go big and push the song along, the reverb vox that certainly could have less reverb, the “it is what it is”-style lyric of “My miserable memory’s making me more miserable”, the oceanic imagery, the quiet bridge that explodes into a final chorus. Barnett said the overall theme was inspired by Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina”.

In it, the character Darya Alexandrovna learns of her husbands infidelity and declares: “Even if we remain in the same house, we are strangers — strangers forever!” The idea of becoming a stranger to someone you so intimately know stuck with me, and became the overarching narrative to this song. Dolly’s statement is definitive, but she also realizes the trappings of 19th century patriarchal Russian society. It’s a complex conundrum, and while lyrically I speak in the first person, this song exists in a world outside of my own personal experiences. I wanted to write about the finality of relationships that need to end this way. Strangers Forever.

My only gripe is I wish there were more. But I’m the same person who never wants them to stop.

1) Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

Only one song could make me fear missing the chance to be with the love of my life the same year I married her. As discussed in “The Polynesian”, the best songs have the consistent ability to put you in someone else’s shoes. You are either reliving something you personally experienced or maybe taking it all in for the first time. And that can be powerful -- especially dealing with anything big picture.

“Your New Old Apartment” launches me into 2009 without ever asking. Age: 23. My life was transient, I had no career, I didn’t even believe in marriage. I left my retail job in the Chicago suburbs for an unpaid newspaper internship in New Jersey. When I saw the people I loved, I always tried to make it count. Still do.

The descriptors and feeling are suffocating, right from the jump:

I only saw you a couple times last year Once at a wedding, once at a funeral I wore the same clothes to both, and I was worried you would notice ‘cause yours were impeccable

That’s me, then. Not knowing how to dress but hoping to get by anyway. I remember talking to my buddy P before buying my “work clothes” and learning you needed to match your shoes with your belt. Boyish adulthood.

The song continues, and the narrator is filled in on 5-year plans. It may be cliche to speak, but every current moment is simultaneously your youngest and oldest. Being in my early 30s now, it is so easy to scoff at anyone’s best laid plans, but I’m also the same cat who thought The Wonder Years’ “Jesus Christ, I’m 26 / All the people I graduated with / All have kids, all have wives, all have people who care if they come home at night” was life-defining, because I was the same age when that dropped, and it always hits the hardest when it’s all around you.

What I love about these lyrics are the careful observation mixed with mature-behind-his-years restraint. For a very long time in my life, I did not think I would get to be with my wife as anything more than a friend. When you are forced to come to terms with those potential realities, you must make concessions and convince yourself they’re OK. So when it’s revealed the narrator’s muse is married, he resigns himself to hopefully seeing the person more and at least being adjacent to the life they are living. It is tragic but still something. It is alternate hope in the hopeless.

I can picture myself listening to this song that wasn’t yet written while leaving a 2009 or 2010 or 2013 wedding and wishing I told her everything. But I wouldn’t have -- not then. I would have poured my heart out into a diary and quoted a line or three from this at the bottom. But that was then, this is now.

In 2019, her new old apartment will be my new old apartment, and that will never be lost on me.

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* * *

Bonus coverage. Since we are at the end of the decade, I rounded up our No. 1 song from each year and have that below:

2010: The Menzingers - “Time Tables” 2011: Jay-Z & Kanye West - “Gotta Have It” 2012: Carly Rae Jepsen - “Call Me Maybe” 2013: Kanye West - “On Sight” 2014: The Menzingers - “Where Your Heartache Exists” 2015: Big Sean f/ Kanye West - “All Your Fault” 2016: The Menzingers - “Lookers” 2017: The Menzingers - “After The Party” 2018: Horror Squad - “I Smoke The Blood” 2019: Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

* * *

It’s time to stop writing. Thank you so much for reading.

Spotify playlist is here, featuring 70 of the 75.

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kootenaygoon · 5 years ago

Photo

So,

I was waiting to testify.

When Omar testifies in the second season of The Wire, he struts into the courtroom amidst homophobic slurs. He winks at men who would gladly torture him to death, just like they did his boyfriend. Despite that, he takes the stand and tells the truth. The only wrinkle is that his truth’s a lie, a revenge maneuver designed to fuck with Bird’s world. I loved the exchange when the lawyer tongue-lashed him for his lifestyle.

“I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. But it’s all in the game, right?” he said, to gasps from the jury. I was rewatching it on my laptop as we headed into the last few days of the U.S presidential election in 2016. It felt like America was getting raped.

Hunkered in Brendan’s basement, I could feel my pulse quicken as I sprawled in bed. I was becoming increasingly obsessed with this Baltimore version of Robin Hood, with that vicious scar slashed diagonal across his face. I was thinking about his courage as I looked down at my scuffed Blundstones, waiting for court to start. They looked strange with this borrowed suit, this tie. And where exactly was my lawyer?

“All rise,” the bailiff yelled, and I jumped to my feet. “His Honour Cool Hand Luke presiding.”

Paul Newman strutted into the courtroom, and motioned for everybody to sit. He was the young version of himself, muscly and tanned, with that signature gleam in his eye. I loved the scene where Dragline kicked the shit out of him, but he never stopped swinging. I wanted to be a fighter like him, like that. I didn’t want to let anyone push me around. Underneath my suit I was wearing my pink anti-bullying shirt, from that elementary school flash mob. It made me feel strong.

Paul sighed into his mic.“So, can you tell me why we’re here today, Mr. Johnson?”

“I’m a sinner, I don’t deny it. I’m complicit.”

“Complicit in what?”

“Rape culture. I’m complicit in rape culture.”

Paul blinked hard, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You understand what the implications of this confession are, Mr. Johnson? Am I to understand you’re waiving your right to a lawyer?”

“I hate myself, Your Honour. I’m a fucking shithead. Just put me in jail, that’s where I belong.”

“Okay, hold on. What exactly are you confessing to?”

“You know the people they’re all screaming about in the election? The sexual abusers? That’s me. I’ve smashed through my sex life like an out of control bowling ball. I’ve caused all kinds of damage. I’m a fucked up person.”

“You’re speaking in euphemisms.”

I thought of the men I’d heard about, the rapists from Shambhala. They were guilty of a far greater evil than I was capable of, but that didn’t make my behaviour any less shitty. Trump was on TV grabbing ‘em by the pussy and I was reflecting on my own role in all this shit. Was I a fake feminist? Was I an abuser, an asshole, a pervert, a freak? This was something more than religious guilt. There was something societal going on, a giant shift in the energy of this culture. Women were raging, and they were setting shit on fire. I was excited to watch things burn.

“I can’t tell you how it really is, but I can tell you what it feels like. And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe,” I said. “I still fight, while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels right, it’s like I’m in flight.”

“When you lost your religion, you really lost your way, Mr. Johnson.”

I leaped on to the table in front of me, and swung open my arms. “I think what we have here is a failure to communicate.”

I heard the gunshot, but I didn’t feel its impact until I landed on the ground. It felt like my chest had caved in on itself, like a portal had opened up inside my ribs and I was being sucked inside. I kicked and bled, frothing at the mouth, while the murderer stepped into view above me. He stepped out of the shadows, smiling, and I recognized his pock-marked cheeks and shitty haircut.

It was Andrew Stevenson.

The Kootenay Goon

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gyrlversion · 6 years ago

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Countdown star Rachel Riley accused of prostituting her religion

Outrage as Labour activist accuses Rachel Riley of ‘prostituting her religion’ in appalling torrent of abusive messages

Labour member Bob James has been suspended for series of tweets at presenter

Accused her of prostituting her religion and ‘poisoning memory of her ancestors’

It comes days before Labour learns if it will face a full-scale investigation by the Equality and Human Rights Commission into anti-Semitic allegations

By Brendan Carlin And Lee Harpin For The Mail On Sunday

Published: 18:33 EDT, 30 March 2019 | Updated: 21:13 EDT, 30 March 2019

Labour was plunged into fresh turmoil over anti-Semitism tonight as it was revealed that a party activist accused Countdown star Rachel Riley of ‘prostituting’ her Jewish heritage.

The presenter of the Channel 4 game show was also told her campaign against anti-Semitism in Jeremy Corbyn’s party was ‘poisoning the memory of your ancestors’.

Labour member Bob James has now been suspended by the party over the series of offensive tweets aimed at Ms Riley.

The presenter of the Channel 4 game show was also told her campaign against anti-Semitism in Jeremy Corbyn’s party was ‘poisoning the memory of your ancestors’

The revelations come just days before Labour learns if it will face a full-scale investigation by the Equality and Human Rights Commission into how the party has dealt with anti-Semitic allegations.

Party insiders said yesterday that there had been a ‘sudden surge’ in the processing of complaints at Labour HQ following signs earlier this month that the watchdog could intervene.

Ms Riley has suffered a torrent of abuse over her campaign. Last week, she was the target of vile taunts from supporters of Mr Corbyn who backed a #BoycottRachelRiley hashtag on Twitter.

And it emerged yesterday that she had been singled out by North Wales activist Mr James, whose Twitter posts include comparing the state of Israel to the Nazis and saying: ‘Israel is using the Holocaust as an excuse for murder.’

Now it has been revealed that in December he told Ms Riley: ‘You have prostituted your religion, poisoning the memory of your ancestors who suffered greatly.’

He later tweeted: ‘Judaism is a religion but what Israel does in the name of God is pure Satanic.’

Labour member Bob James (pictured) has now been suspended by the party over the series of offensive tweets aimed at Ms Riley

In January, Mr James, a member of the Alyn and Deeside constituency Labour Party, wrote: ‘I think Riley is using her influence as a popular celebrity to undermine the Labour party. Her method, though, using her Jewish heritage to promote self-interest, is appalling.’

He added: ‘Riley has been open about her dislike of Corbyn… You have to hand it to the Tory party for getting her to risk her career for 30 pieces of silver.’ The attacks provoked a personal reply from Ms Riley, who asked Mr James: ‘Are you an official Labour spokesperson, Bob, or just a big cheerleader?’

In now deleted tweets, Mr James said: ‘Riley has been open about her dislike of Corbyn… You have to hand it to the Tory party for getting her to risk her career for 30 pieces of silver’

He then accused her of prostituting her religion and poisoning he memory of her ancestors

Three months ago, the sustained attacks on Ms Riley were reported to Labour by Steve Cooke, a member in Stockton North and a political education officer. Ms Riley thanked him for his support and added: ‘Sad state of affairs that you’d need courage to decry anti-Semitism but here we are.’

Mr James last night admitted sending numerous messages to Ms Riley and confirmed he had been suspended by the party. He denied being anti-Semitic and accused the presenter of ‘using her religion to promote anti-socialism’.

Labour said it could not comment on individual cases but a spokesman added: ‘We take all complaints of anti-Semitism extremely seriously and we are committed to challenging and campaigning against it in all its forms.

‘All complaints about anti-Semitism are fully investigated in line with our rules and procedures and any appropriate disciplinary action is taken.’

Ms Riley could not be contacted for comment.

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engl2030021 · 6 years ago

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Ahmad Afridi

Professor Mohrman

February 28, 2019

Religion: An Outlet for Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity has been around since the dawn of man, only it was not called Toxic masculinity until now. No, back then it was referred to as, being a man, being strong, not letting yourself get emotional and feeling superior to other genders that is what being a man was all about. However, throughout the centuries the idea of what it means to be a man has been altered. Nowadays in let’s be honest a more progressive society, there are males who are breaking through those traditional roles of fatherhood and are transforming what it truly means to be a “man”. However, religion throughout the centuries has played a large role in toxic masculinity, it provides an outlet and ammunition for men to feel as if they are superior to other genders.

Below are ten great articles that prove the point of how religion is a gateway to toxic masculinity in our society. First come the five journals/scholarly articles and the next five are articles found all around the internet.

Messerschmidt, James W., and Achim Rohde. "Osama Bin Laden and His Jihadist Global Hegemonic Masculinity." Gender & Society 32, no. 5 (2018): 663-85. doi: 10.1177/0891243218770358.

In an article written by James W. Messerschmidt and Achim Rhode, they discuss how Osama Bin Laden used the Quran’s out of context scripture and societal hegemonic masculinity to help spread their terroristic ideologies worldwide. This is evident when Rhode and Messerschmidt explicitly state “We examine how in the process of discursively constructing a rationale for violent attacks primarily against the United States, Bin Laden simultaneously formulates a particular jihadist masculinity, which amounts to a specific version of global hegemonic masculinity” (Rhode, Messerschmidt). Hegemonic masculinity refers to the legitimization of men’s dominant position in almost every societal norm. Rhode and Messerschmidt are explicitly stating that Osama Bin Laden used the Quran to directly place on his followers the idea that they are men and they can terrorize any part of the globe that doesn’t follow their corrupted hegemonic agenda. It is safe to say that this ideology was not targeted towards women in the Middle East since they are still being oppressed and have very little to no say in a majority of Middle Eastern societies today.

Posadas, Jeremy. "Teaching the Cause of Rape Culture: Toxic Masculinity." Journal of Feminist Studies in Religion 33, no. 1 (2017): 177. doi:10.2979/jfemistudreli.33.1.23.

The next piece of work is a Journal description writing Teaching the Cause of Rape Culture: Toxic Masculinity written by Jeremy Posadas a Doctorate in social justice education. He discusses how “sex itself functions in religious ways as well as how organized religion engages sex in various manners. (1) Topics include gender roles and power in sex, secular and religious cultures and ethics of sex, sexual health, marriage” (Posadas). In Posadas’s article, he discusses topics in lectures that directly pertain to how religion effects gender roles, sex, and sexual health. Religions like Islam and Christianity both present the fact that women are supposed to be subservient to men, and that they are obligated to take on the challenges inside the home, i.e., dealing with children, cooking, and cleaning. Religion, in essence, creates the idea of toxic masculinity as it mentions how other genders are insignificant compared to men. This is the definition of hegemonic masculinity.

Haider, Syed. "The Shooting in Orlando, Terrorism or Toxic Masculinity (or Both?)." Men and Masculinities 19, no. 5 (2016): 555-65. doi:10.1177/1097184x16664952.

Syed Haider a homosexual Muslim discussed the event of the Pulse night Club shooting and how it was not caused by Islamic terrorism or homophobia but that these conditions were outlets that lead to Omar Mateen’s (Pulse night club shooter) toxic masculinity which lead to the terror that inflicted on many innocent civilians that night. This is indisputable when Haider states, “Rather than simply admitting both frames, I suggest reframing terrorism and homophobia not as cause and effect, but as conditions that share an underlying ailment, and that is the problem of toxic masculinity” (Haider). Religion for people like Omar Mateen is used as a gateway to be virulent. Omar uses justification from the Quran to eradicate homosexuals. This is what happens in extreme cases when misinterpreted religious scripture blends with toxic masculinity, it creates problems and tragedy for society. Religion provides misconstrued evidence and when a person typically a man believes that men are superior to anyone else it often ends up with somebody getting maltreated.

Dawley, William, and Brendan Jamal Thornton. "New Directions in the Anthropology of Religion and Gender: Faith and Emergent Masculinities." Anthropological Quarterly 91, no. 1 (2018): 5-23. doi:10.1353/anq.2018.0000.

An article written by William Dawley and Brendan Jamal Thornton discusses how religious literature has constantly neglected women and other genders. In much religious scripture, women have suffered from male patriarchy. This is evident when Thornton and Dawley mention in the second paragraph, “The literature has tended to coalesce around women as a "neglected set of subjects” within many religious communities. Such literature tends to center on questions about women's relative subordination and/or their numerical dominance in a given community” (Dawley Thornton). Clearly, women have been subjugated in religious literature and in places where religion plays a large influence on societal norms. An example of this claim is apparent when one begins to examine women in Saudi Arabia. Women in Saudi Arabia are forced to stay at home and tend to their husbands and children. It wasn’t until recently that women in Saudi Arabia began to drive. Saudi Arabia is a great example because it is a society with sharia law, it is the same law that is found in the Islamic scripture known as the Quran. This law leads to this day the subjugation of women and their rights. Sharia law creates hegemonic masculinity.

Dube, Siphiwe I. "The Violence of the Masculine Ideal:

A Case for Nomadic Masculinities."

HTS Teologiese Studies / Theological Studies 74,

no. 2 (2018). doi:10.4102/hts.v74i2.4935.

An article written by Siphiwe I. Dube discusses how Christian ideals have led to hegemonic practices that occur in many societies with large Christian ideals. In fact, many progressive followers of the religion have brought forward re-imagined scripture to Christianity. This is to be obvious when Dube stats, “To the end of representing and challenging these exclusions in terms of gender, and with particular reference to the treatment of women within Christian theologies, multiple forms of feminisms and, lately, critical masculinities have put forth re-imagined scripts of being in opposition to the prescriptive and proscriptive definitions of the Christian tradition” (Dube). Many reformists had to add new scripture to make Christianity more inclusive to other genders and ethnicities. Dube mentions earlier in the article that, “Undoubtedly, some of the harshest forms of hegemonic exclusionary practices of subjectivity have been enacted, unfortunately, through Christian theological discourses” (Dube). Christianity just like Islam are both patriarchal religions, religions in which toxic masculinity tends to linger around.

Below are the following five secondary sources found across the web that reinforces the idea that religion is an outlet for hegemonic toxic masculinity.

"On 'toxic Masculinity'." Denver Catholic. February 05, 2019. Accessed March 11, 2019. https:// denvercatholic.org/on-toxic-masculinity/.

An article posted on the website DenverCatholic.org written by presumably a woman by the name of Mary Beth Bonacci. She mentions how she likes masculinity and a man's protectiveness and that a man's protectiveness is one of God’s greatest inventions, s strength, “Here is my take: I like masculinity. I think it is among God’s most wonderful inventions. I like men’s strength. I like men’s protectiveness” (Bonacci). Bonacci is already utilizing toxic masculinity by justifying it through religion. She states that God made men powerful and protective of others. She admires how men are strong and she mentions that these ideas in retrospect are merely social constructs, “I think men should be what they are. Men are strong. Men are protective. Men are, yes, sometimes aggressive. None of these things are socially conditioned” (Bonacci). All of her statements are extremely biased because she is a writer for and a believer in strong conservative Catholic values and these values reinforce hegemonic masculinity which has been staed in the Bible

Harper, Rosie. "Toxic Masculinity: Why We Should Stop Calling God 'he'." Christian News on Christian Today. October 09, 2018. Accessed March 11, 2019. https:// www.christiantoday.com/article/toxic-masculinity-why-we-should-stop-calling-god-he/ 130638.htm.

Regardless of Bonacci’s opinion and article posted by Christian Today written by Rosie Harper states that toxic masculinity has plagued many areas of our society including homes, personal lives, politics, and even churches. “What most women experience is that 'toxic masculinity' has invaded our families, our workplaces, our schools, our politics and our churches” (Harper). Now here is a woman that agrees that there is too much toxic masculinity in her predominantly Christian life. Religious scripture like the Bible and the Quran is all about putting people under rules and subjection. Rosie Harpers asserts that the Christian Church has ignored these matters for far too long and that the Church fails to mention them. “Patriarchal ideologies are the norm. The Church has been horribly silent in the face of violence and abuse against women. We don't talk about it, even though in our congregations there will be many women – some say 87 per cent – who have experienced some form of harassment” (Harper). Harper is demanding that Christian Churches rise up against the injustices that are happening to women in their societies. But, because the majority of the church is composed of males these matters of subjugating other genders constantly keep happening to genders other than male, changes to the subjegation that occurs are absent.

Lee, Adam, and Adam Lee. "Mark Driscoll and the Christian Cult of Toxic Masculinity." Patheos. October 10, 2017. Accessed March 11, 2019. https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ daylightatheism/2017/10/mark-driscoll-christian-cult-toxic-masculinity/.

The next article isn’t an article at all it is a blog post written by Adam Lee about a pastor who is very abrupt and outspoken on matters about the church and Christianity as a whole who guys by the name of Mark Driscoll. Lee in his blog mentions Driscoll past statements in which Driscoll stated, “ has transformed Jesus into “a Richard Simmons, hippie, queer Christ,” a “neutered and limp-wristed popular Sky Fairy…”(Lee, Driscoll). Mark Driscoll who was a former Pastor called out that newer ideas that are more progressive (when comes to women and people of other races) stated that they are making Jesus Christ seem like a queer who is weak. Driscoll is advocating for a more masculine, muscular, bloodthirsty messiah. He wants Christianity to be a strictly patriarchal religion to where powerful white men have all the power and other genders are deemed as unworthy and insignificant.

Haglage, Abby. "Terry Crews Says Toxic Masculinity Is a 'cult': Men 'need Deprogramming'." Yahoo! News. February 13, 2019. Accessed March 11, 2019. https://www.yahoo.com/ lifestyle/terry-crews-says-toxic-masculinity-cult-men-need-de- programming-150543267.html.

In toxic masculinity, other men have described its toxic effect on society. An article produced by Yahoo Lifestyle discusses Terry Crews’s thoughts on how toxic masculinity affected him throughout his acting career. The author of the article Abby Haglage mentions how Terry Crews talks about toxic masculinity as a religious cult, “Crews took it a step further backstage, implying toxic masculinity is religion-like. “It’s a cult,” he says. “I love being a man. But people have taken this thing and warped it and twisted it … what we’re talking about is an abuse of power" (Hagage, Crews). Terry Crews explicitly states how toxic masculinity is religion within its own right. Many religions around the world don’t explicitly state that men are more powerful than man and men are supposed to be stronger and emotionless but this idea is attributed to these religions when most people male followers in a religion-state and express these ideas that men are stronger and are supposed to be emotionless. When men constantly in Christianity and Islam portray and think that this is the way society is supposed to be that is when societies that have a prominent religious presence become toxic. These societies like parts of rural America and many Middle Eastern countries where religion represents a large part in their political structure, these areas have no progressive reforms. In areas like these women are oppressed and subjected to taking care of her husband and children, and god forbid that someone there has different security than what the Bible or the Quran explicit states. Toxic masculinity takes the form of a cult in many religions today, and when these religions play a large role in societies like many today, that’s when the backwoods ideology spreads throughout society.

Kilpatrick, William. "Christian Men Will Be Overrun by Muslims If They Don't Man up." LifeSiteNews. February 15, 2019. Accessed March 11, 2019. https:// www.lifesitenews.com/opinion/christian-men-will-be-overrun-by-muslims-if-they-dont- man-up.

The final article published by Life Site and written by William Kilpatrick discusses the idea of how America needs to develop a sense of toxic masculinity in Churches so that they won’t be overrun by Muslim men because in the Middle East more toxic masculinity practices occur. The article states that toxic masculinity is required now so that America’s biggest religion will not be Islam. This is indisputable when Kilpatrick writes, “More importantly, he observed that Christian churches seemed to have lost the masculine spirit that inspired the men commissioned by Jesus to spread the Gospel even in the face of persecution and martyrdom” (Kilpatrick). Kilpatrick argues that men need to become more masculine so they can combat, “Islam, which is a hyper-masculine religion, is the world's fastest growing religion. Indeed its appeal to basic masculine psychology is one of the chief reasons for its success. In military-like summer camps across the Islamic world, young boys are taught who their enemies are, and they are taught survival skills, hand-to-hand combat, and weapons use” (Kilpatrick). This shows how religion directly affects toxic masculinity, people like Kilpatrick advocate to use religion to enhance masculinity in order for military combative purposes. They use religion as an excuse to be toxic to society so they can use their masculinity and spread their ideologies for malicious intent.

Religion plays a large role in toxic masculinity. It provides an outlet for people to act toxic towards women, other genders, and just overall society. They use religious scripture and religious theory to segregate and demote other races, religions, ethnicities, and especially other genders. Followers of Islam, for example, feel the need to make women tend to the home and children while the men make money and are in charge of the important resolutions in the household. Religion is an outlet for toxic masculinities because many religious scriptures make a clear distinction about gender roles and what different roles each gender has. Religion is, in essence, is a gateway for modern toxic masculinity by using scripture as a way to convince followers of religion what they are and are not supposed to be in terms of their individual gender.

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