#and being able to point out potential flaws and general nonsensery

[solar--symphony]

No but really. All growing up my entire testimony was based on how the next life will be better. How I'll see my family again. How there'll be no pain. The next life WILL be better. Any hardship, any injustice-- it will be taken care of. I'm just one person and can't change the world, but that's okay because the world WILL be changed someday.

So eventually the question became: "if the next life will be so much better than now, why am I putting up with this?" I'd catch myself thinking things like, "I'm so excited to die [because the next life will be so much better]." Which, uh, I realize now is such passive suicidal ideation. If only I had died as a child (or on my mission), then I'd be exalted automatically. Right? So, sorry, but being told to "think Celestial" is just reminding me of how much I want to die, because it will be so much better on the other side. It no longer brings me comfort, but gives me an anxiety that I'll spiral again. (I'm doing pretty okay right now, I promise! But yeah, this has been on my mind today because of the one (1) General Conference talk I've heard the entirety of.)

I do still believe in hope and I do still hope for a brighter future, but part of that hope HAS to be dependent on a focus in the now to prepare and CREATE that hopeful world.

Listen I'm all about heavenly hope. Ether 12:4 is one of my favorite scriptures and I often remind myself to "hope for a better world" but I do worry about the complacency it can create when our response to real life constant suffering is "everything will be better after we die/when Christ comes."

Hope is a nice thing to hold in your heart, but we HAVE to do the work to solve problems here on earth. Especially problems that are created by systemic inequality