#and being a disabled person with disabled friends who are constantly canceling plans last minute i'm fine with that happening

[methaim]

Something I really hate is this belief that consent—or rather, revoking consent—is something that can only be done in the context of sex.

Something I've noticed in a lot of social situations is people being upset when someone says "no" or revokes their consent for something they agreed to earlier. Like I know we joke that peer pressure doesn't really happen when it comes to drugs and alcohol, at least not as much as those anti-drug organizations that came to our schools claim, but I have been in situations when someone tried to make me feel bad for not drinking "because I went to a party where I knew there would be alcohol" or "because everyone else is drinking and having a good time." Like I should be allowed to say no and not feel guilty about it, because it was a choice I made.

But even in other situations, like when friends go to hang out but one of them declines. I've seen groups of friends dogpile on one person because "they're ruining everyone's good time" by not being present, guilting them to "consent" to going to an event they didn't want to go to rather than giving them the option to join later if they change their mind.

I've also seen friends get mad at each other because someone decided last minute that they didn't want to go to an event. And it's like... Isn't that still their choice? Shouldn't they be allowed to revoke consent whenever they want, for whatever reason?

Like when it's explicitly sex, the importance of consent is understood. If someone was being coerced into sex because their partner "had a bad day and was really looking forward to it," then we would agree that it's not really consent if it's reluctant, right? Like if sexual coercion isn't okay, why is social/emotional coercion okay???

[skitzkraken]

Ya know... It's really telling as the broke.friend, when I'm willing to spend the last of what I have to have a good, meaningful, memorable time with my friends, but my friends ( most of whom are WAY better off financially, don't have as many bills, aren't disabled, and just... Generally have a better situation than me) flake for bs AF reasons and then say shit that gets them caught.

It hurts that I planned a day, moved my schedule around, fed my animals early and lost out on sleep for this plan.. Ye, weather sucks at the lake. But we could have saved on the gas, and for maybe 8$/person gone to a half decent swimming pool closer to home. But that's not in the budget because friend 'spent alot of money this week'. Then when offered to just hang out, play games and have coffee at my (parents cuz I'm house sitting) place, they say 'oh well mom wanted to go to the movies later,.so no biggie'. I KNOW Ur mom ain't paying for that. ( we talk about that constantly). Just Fucking say your not feeling up to spending time with me and be done. The constant disappointment of cancelled plans and the refusal to meet in the middle hurts. I'm expect to suck it up, buck up money, handle my disability and show up. But almost no one returns the favour... The RSD is so painful.. I'm so tired of loving people and not being loved back with even close to the same energy. I get everyone has different ways to show care, and not everyone will be like me. But it would be Fucking nice if someone actually TRIED... I have maybe 3 friends who don't flake on me or get upset if I'm struggling.... Ugh.. I know it's the RSD and the bpd taking a huge chunk of me rn. But why can't I be someone's priority for once? And not just because their 'obligated'... Why can't someone choose me just BECAUSE it's me. Why can't someone go out of their way like I do?.. Am I that bad of a friend??? Am I that bad to be around that I'm just the 'when no one else is available' friend? The free emotional labour friend? And then made to feel like a huge inconvenience the minute shit doesn't go exactly as planned??? Just a constant source of 'eh Bri will do it' or. ' ugh but then we have to pick her up and drop her off' or 'I didn't really prepare for u to bring Ur walker, even tho u said you'd bring it, so I'm Gunna be crunchy about the space in the vehicle. And then complain if u leave it at home and can't keep up'...

I know I get things out of my friendships, and I love my friends dearly. But fuck sometimes I really feel like I just exist for when no one else is convenient, no one else will do the job, or to make others feel better only to be left to struggle alone...

[tell-me-when-ur-ready]

This Thing Called Love (part seven)

Summary: When Shawn meets dancer Kellie in Toronto, he falls for her—hard. But Kellie has an invisible disability and thinks it’s impossible that someone could really love her the way she is.

Author’s note: PHEW things are getting good. The usual disclaimer: I have multiple chronic illnesses that are similar to Kellie’s, but not the exact same health conditions she has, so I apologize if I get anything wrong.

Warnings: language? just once lol

Word count: 2k

Kellie and Shawn didn’t talk to each other for two full weeks. It wasn’t for lack of trying on his part; Shawn continued texting her and calling her and trying to connect with her, but Kellie thought it was better to just make a clean break. It would be better in the long run for both of them.

Shawn had gotten Mackenzie’s number at some point during the summer (something Mackenzie had been way too excited about at the time), and he was using it now. Each evening, Mackenzie would show Kellie the latest texts.

Can you tell Kellie to call me?

Has Kellie said anything to you?

Ask Kellie what I did wrong.

“That boy’s in loooooove,” Mackenzie said, delighted, at first. But she got a little more exasperated as the days dragged by and the summer started to wane. “Kellie, this is just cruel,” she finally said. “Why won’t you date him? Because you think he’ll be scared away if he sees your health issues up close?”

Kellie shrugged uncomfortably and looked away.

“You could at least tell him that instead of just leaving him hanging. See what he says,” Mackenzie said, pursing her lips disapprovingly. But Kellie just shrugged again.

Shawn wasn’t the only one who was suffering. Stress affected chronic migraines, making them worse, and Kellie got so sick during those two weeks she almost forgot about Shawn altogether. The second week, she was only able to go to work one day; the other four days, she was at home in the darkness, lying in bed and periodically running to the bathroom to throw up.

 She’d gotten used to texting Shawn when she felt bad. But that wasn’t an option anymore. At least, that’s what Kellie kept telling herself.

 “I can’t do this,” she sobbed on the phone to her mom one Friday night. “I’m going to lose my jobs.”

 “Slow down,” her mom said. Kellie’s family lived an hour away, more north of Atlanta, so Kellie’s mom could no longer help take care of her when she flared up. Mackenzie had brought home groceries that day and Shelby had gotten Kellie’s prescriptions for her, but they were out with friends now. And Kellie didn’t want to burden them any further, anyway. She’d been upfront with them about her health issues when they decided to all move in together, but they weren’t obligated to babysit her.

 “But I am,” Kellie said. She wiped at her eyes. “Going to lose my jobs, I mean. I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything.”

 “Is this at all related to Shawn?” her mom asked. “You haven’t mentioned him lately.”

 Kellie sighed. She’d told her mom (who had never heard of Shawn) about the music video, of course, and had vaguely said that she was staying in touch with Shawn and liked him a lot. But that was all her mother knew.

 “I mean, we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks. But it’s not a big deal.” That second part was a lie. “I’m way more worried about how I can pay rent. I can only call out of work sick so many times.” That, unfortunately, was the truth.

 But somehow, she woke up the next morning feeling better. She was able to keep breakfast down; her migraine was almost completely gone. Kellie rested all day Saturday anyway, to get her energy back up, and went into the dance studio Sunday.

 When she got home, exhausted but feeling a little happier after a few hours of teaching a lyrical workshop, she started pulling ingredients for a smoothie out of the cabinets. Someone knocked on the door, and she wiped her hands and went to get it; Mackenzie and Shelby were both at work, and she didn’t think they were expecting anybody.

 The door swung open and Shawn was standing there.

 Kellie’s first thought was that she looked awful, sweaty and tired with her hair in a messy bun (not the cute kind, but the actually-messy kind). Her second thought, which she said out loud, was, “Mackenzie.”

 Shawn shoved his hands in his pockets and smirked a little. “I like Mackenzie,” he said conversationally.

 “Well, she’s not here,” Kellie snapped, moving to shut the door. She didn’t know if she would have actually closed it in his face, but before it was halfway shut, he had reached out to stop her.

 “Can I come in?” he said, his face serious now. Reluctantly, Kellie nodded.

 Thankfully, the apartment was relatively clean at the moment. Their squishy couch was covered in pink pillows and the kitchen island held a stack of books and a pair of pointe shoes; out the window, you could see the hanging plants Shelby had installed on the balcony, green leaves swinging in the breeze.

 “Cute,” Shawn said, looking around. He slung his backpack to the ground and turned and looked at her, leaning against the counter. “Hi,” he said, his eyes going soft.

 “I’m sorry,” Kellie blurted out. But before she could get anything else out, the door opened again and Mackenzie came flying in.

 “Shit, he’s already here? I thought I was going to get home first,” she exclaimed, breathless. “I was going to prepare you—” She looked at Kellie apologetically.

 “I should have known you would do something like this,” Kellie said with a heavy sigh, glaring at her. Secretly, something inside her had lit up at the sight of Shawn’s face—but she didn’t really want him here, because now she had to face the reality of all her complicated, messy emotions and the things those emotions had made her do.

 “Sorry,” Mackenzie said, not sounding sorry at all. She held up her hand for Shawn to give her a high five.

 “Nice to finally meet you,” he said, sounding amused.

 “Go fix all of your problems,” Mackenzie said. She waved her hands at them in a shoo-ing motion.

 Kellie frowned at her. “Life is not a rom-com. It’s not always that easy.”

 Mackenzie shrugged, patted Shawn on the back, and disappeared into her bedroom with one last bright smile over her shoulder.

 There was a moment of awkward silence. Then Shawn said, “Are you feeling okay today? Do you wanna—go somewhere and talk?”

 “Yeah,” Kellie said shyly, figuring there was no way around it now. “I guess so.”

 She slid her feet into flip-flops and they went down to the parking lot of her apartment complex. On the sidewalk, Shawn rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and said, “Uh, so I might not have totally thought this through. I caught an Uber from the airport and they didn’t stay. Do you… feel well enough to drive?”

 She did giggle then, a real one, and Shawn smiled, obviously encouraged.

 “I guess so,” she said, and she was fishing out her keys when Shawn stopped her with a hand on her arm.

 “Really?” he asked seriously. “Because I don’t want you to feel like you have to say that. And I have a little self-interest here, too, since I’ll be in the car…”

 It was so different from what others said. If Kellie was starting a migraine or getting over one, she didn’t feel as if she could drive safely because of the pain and disorientation the migraines caused. Her friends didn’t always understand that. With Shawn, though, it was like he truly understood what her disability and her life were like—or at least, he was really trying. For the first time, Kellie felt like this might actually work.

 “Yeah,” she said softly, and nodded.

 She drove them to a park ten minutes away, trying not to be embarrassed about her dirty old Toyota, most of the drive spent in silence except for a few questions from Shawn about places they were passing. When they got to the park, they sat down on a picnic bench overlooking the baseball fields where teams were beginning to warm up for a late afternoon game; Shawn sat on the opposite side of the bench from Kellie and twisted the rings on his fingers.

 “So,” he said after a moment. “I want you to talk to me. Really talk to me. Mackenzie told me—some—”

 “Probably too much,” Kellie said with a rueful smile. Her voice sounded hoarse and strange and she cleared her throat. Her stomach was feeling fluttery, but for once that had nothing to do with Celiac.

 “But I want to hear it from you,” he finished. He stopped fidgeting and set his hands flat on the table, looking straight at her. His gaze was a little frantic and a little wistful, but there was a certain steadiness to it, too. “Please.”

 Above them, the wind blew through the leaves; from down the hill came faint yelling and the clang of a baseball hitting a composite bat.

 “Okay,” Kellie said slowly. She licked her lips and looked down at the rough wooden table, then looked back up, latching onto the steadiness in his eyes. “I just—okay. It’s not that I don’t want to see you. I do want to; I want to so badly. But I feel like I can’t. Because…”

 And she went on, describing how she felt as if it was unfair to the other person to try to be in a relationship, because she was constantly canceling plans and resting in bed and too busy caring for herself to think about anybody else. She talked about how she was scared to be with somebody because she thought, even if they said they didn’t care, they would see the real her—Celiac and chronic migraines included—when they started dating, realize everything that entailed, and wouldn’t stay. She explained how her life was unpredictable and how sometimes her physical problems affected her mental health and how she was so used to being alone in her pain she just didn’t know what it would look like to have someone by her side.

 When she finished, Shawn was silent for a moment. Kellie swallowed and wished she’d brought along a bottle of water for her dry throat.

 “You know the thing you left out in all that?” Shawn said softly. Kellie shook her head.

 “I love you,” Shawn said frankly. Kellie stared at him, mute, feeling her eyebrows draw together in something like shock or maybe disbelief.

 “Or, I think I would,” he added, “if I had the chance. And I think love makes all that other stuff not matter. I think, I mean I know, you can’t help that you have health problems, and I think everyone is afraid for someone to see the real them. But I think the real you is what someone should want in a real relationship. And I think… I mean, I know… if you give me a chance, I won’t leave. I’ll stay.”

 Kellie felt tears prick at the back of her eyes and turned away slightly, bringing a hand to her face.

 “Are you upset?” Shawn asked, his voice full of concern. An entire baseball team was walking by them, metal cleats crunching on the sidewalk, but Shawn never took his eyes off of her.

 “No,” she choked out. “I’m happy. I—no one’s ever said anything like that to me before. But I’m still scared.”

 He reached out and gently pried her hand away from her face, taking it in his own.

 “Do you think I’m not scared?” he said, laughing a little, almost incredulous. “Kell, I’m scared too. I’m scared for you to discover the real me. I’m scared my anxiety will get bad again and I’ll shut everyone out. I’m scared of what it might be like to have a relationship that’s inevitably going to be very public. I’m scared because you’re really pretty and I don’t want to say something stupid and sound dumb.”

 Kellie laughed through the tears that were now dropping on her face. She brought her other hand up to wipe them away and cover her eyes, but he captured that one too, not letting her hide.

 “But I think,” he said, low, “we can’t let fear dictate our lives.”

 There was a long moment of silence while all the things they’d said hung in the air.

 “Okay,” Kellie whispered finally, and Shawn looked at her steadily.

 “Okay?” he repeated, and she nodded. He smiled. And then she asked, “Do you have a tissue?”

Taglist: @rosiemercy@ @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @evibesss @tnhmblive (let me know if you want to be added/removed)

[ghost-chance]

Rant regarding disability

It recently came to my attention that most people don’t know this...and it happened because a nosy receptionist made my friend Autumn fall apart in a waiting room. Since people apparently don’t know, here’s the scoop:

If you receive a government check through SSI or SSDI, you are ALWAYS at risk of losing that check. MARRYING, in particular, will end your benefits.

No, I’m not exaggerating or being alarmist - I’m entirely serious. Maybe it’s not the case in all states, but in all the ones I’ve checked, it’s true. Marrying while receiving SSI/SSDI or Survivors’ Benefits renders you ineligible for further payments because now you’re your spouse’s problem. THEY are expected to provide for you, whether they are capable or not. Allow me to illustrate specific instances I’ve come across.

A physically disabled woman on SSI married an unemployed man looking for work. Her SSI was canceled point-blank. Her husband, too, was disabled, and having trouble finding work because of it...but he was expected to be able to provide for the both of them. They lost their home, spiraled into debt, couldn’t find work, and last I heard, they were living in a shelter and panhandling. Their only mistake was MARRYING each other.

A friend of mine got engaged and had to call it off. She’s on SSI and hasn’t been able to hold down a job in years because her mental illness flares up under the slightest bit of stress. Her fiance works minimum wage and is mentally/emotionally incapable of rising to a better paying position. This couple had everything planned - they had wedding rings, they had plans for their future, they were even looking into local chapels - then the JOP they saw warned them she’d lose her benefits if they married. They’ve been together for years now and people constantly ask them “so when’s the date?” There is no date...setting a date will cancel the payments they depend on.

A disabled man married a non-disabled woman. Before marrying, she was financially well-off and had no money problems. After marrying, her husband’s benefits were canceled and she was made responsible for paying for EVERYTHING. Her finances don’t go far enough anymore and they’ve never stopped struggling.

Two disabled persons receiving SSI payments married each other. They thought surely since they were both receiving payments no one would have their benefits taken away because neither could possibly support the other. Their benefits were NOT taken away...they were COMBINED and DECREASED. Yes, they went from a full payment apiece each month to ONE JOINT PAYMENT EACH MONTH which was LOWER than their previous payments COMBINED.

That’s only a few examples. The point remains: As much as people say government benefits are supposed to encourage financial independence, the regulations connected just end up making you more dependent on a broken system. If you’re disabled and receiving benefits, apparently you’re expected to spend the rest of your days living in your mom’s basement, single, depressed, and a drain on society...and that expectation is BULLSHIT. Disabled folks still contribute to society and they CAN build a life of their own with a little extra help. The marriage rules aren’t the only injustice, either - people often say “Well, then get a job!” but they’ve never tried earning work while on government benefits - the regulations around WORKING are even more absurd and archaic.

SSI/SSDI payments are meant to be extra help for those who need them; instead, they come with more regulations. NOWHERE in the US will the legal monthly limit for an SSI payment cover a month’s rent AND a month’s groceries. NOWHERE in the US can an SSI recipient raise a child without relying heavily on charity and increasingly red-taped government-funded programs. NOWHERE in the US can an SSI recipient work part time at minimum wage without having their payments docked by MORE THAN THEY‘RE MAKING, even if the hours aren’t regular.

Many people struggling with the system have become afraid to ask for help because of the public outcry and blame. “If you’re poor, stick to rice and beans!” “People on government payments shouldn’t be allowed to buy pet food!” “People getting paid by the government don’t need their own house - that’s what the shelters are for!” No matter how normal or expected it is for non-disabled persons to engage in something, it’s liable to be seen as excessive or forbidden for people on benefits. Having children, having access to a working vehicle, being married, working, eating healthy, enjoying a book or movie once in a while, owning your own home - these are all things EXPECTED of people without disabilities, but God Forbid a disabled person expect the same treatment.

Back to my friend Autumn. Autumn is a strong, determined and unbearably sweet young woman who just happened to lose at the genetic lottery. She never asked for the invisible disability she was born with and she’s never stopped fighting to overcome it, but when people look at her, all they see is someone who isn’t trying. She’s given up on countless ‘luxuries’ just to live independently without resorting to CHARITY and high-demand government programs like HUD and SNAP. She skips meals and buys cheap food that destroys her body. She has no vehicle and gave up on the chance of having children. She lives in a rental complex where the residents aren’t treated properly because respect and working appliances costs more. She never reads or watches anything that isn’t FREE, and she’s still using the same clothes and belongings from over ten years ago, and although she wears his ring, she can’t afford to marry her boyfriend of ten years. As long as I’ve known her, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen Autumn get repeatedly shat on by life, pick herself up, dust herself off, and start over with a pun and a smile.

“I see you’re wearing an engagement ring?” the nosy receptionist asked Autumn. “Who’s the lucky guy? When’s the date?” Yet again, Autumn had to explain to a complete stranger “There is no date - we can’t marry because I’d lose my SSI, he can’t afford to support us on his own, and I can’t keep a job because of my disability.”

“What? No, that’s silly, you can still marry! Just lose the government check, it’ll work out in the end!” The receptionist, I should mention, was apparently wearing enough jewelry to stock a jeweler’s store and had impeccable and visibly expensive makeup, clothes, and a professional manicure. Autumn’s jeans were frayed, her shirt had a couple holes, and her engagement ring is plain and simple silver. She’s visibly poor...and this ableist woman literally made her cry.

Ten minutes later I got a tearful call from the parking lot and spent the next ten minutes talking Autumn through it; it wasn’t the first time and I know it won’t be the last, and I’ve never minded offering that help whenever I can. After we hung up, I got a text from her: “The abstract art in here looks like some kind of arboreal fungus - I’m not really lichen it.” Yet again, she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and moved on with a joke and a smile, and all in the face of ignorance and negligence. Sure, this one was my joke first, but all that mattered was she was feeling better. Autumn is legally disabled and bounces back remarkably quickly, no matter how badly someone hurts her; our non-disabled landlord can’t even cope with people hanging up on her and takes it out on everyone around her.

Tell me again that the system doesn’t discriminate against people with disabilities. Tell me again that we’re subhuman and don’t deserve equal treatment.

[el-gordo-grande]

Yesterday, Sunday March 19, at city hall the far right, decidedly islamophobic group Canadian Coalition of Concerned Citizens held a rally against a motion seeking to condemn Islamophobia and all forms of racial and religious discrimination (motion M103, if you'd like to search for more info). In attendance to 'protect free speech' were the Soldiers of Odin, listed as a hate group by the ADL, and the Canadian Jewish Defense League, a far right Zionist group whose original American counterpart has been described by the FBI as an extremist group and has been connected to multiple terror attacks within the US. They also held a rally on March 4, with soldiers of Odin in attendance of this event as well. The March 4 event was wonderful, antifascists and anti racists outnumbered them considerably. The Soldiers of Odin were too afraid to be physically aggressive with protestors, and the CCCC had to cancel their planned march through downtown Toronto. All of the right wing protesters were forced to leave with police protection. Yesterday, however, was a different story. For one, the right wing extremists seemed to be larger in number, and the counter demonstration was considerably smaller than the last one. I'd estimate that we either had the same amount of people as them at our peak. However, there were not enough of us to stop them from marching to the CBC, and many on our side decided not to follow the march, leaving us who did more vulnerable to physical assault. Emboldened by a lack of resistance, JDL and SOO members were happy to incite or attempt to incite violence. During the marching portion, a Soldier of Odin shoved me against a wall and ripped my sign, but thankfully his peers pulled him away before he could do more. An older woman attempted to hit me from behind with her sign, attached to a wooden handle of sorts, but thankfully one of the antifascist protesters blocked it and I was only grazed. Ironically this woman called me a coward for concealing my identity, but that's beside the point. If our white so called allies had turned out, we could have prevented a parade of fascists and white supremacists from waltzing through downtown Toronto. Where were all the liberals and self proclaimed progressives who live in this allegedly progressive city? Where were those posting "Make Racists Afraid Again" or "I stand with ____" following the inauguration of trump? I know I invited everyone I knew to come out but only two of my friends showed for any of it and both had to leave early, one for medical issues and the other for prior commitments. Everyone else, people who claimed to stand in solidarity with marginalized groups, people who claimed to oppose fascism and and white supremacy, either ignored my facebook messages or had a convenient and vague excuse to stay home. When you, white allies, choose to stay home, you put other protesters at a higher risk than had you shown. There is safety in numbers, as demonstrated by the fear and lower rates of aggression at the first rally. When you, moderate liberals, choose to actively ignore the growing threat that is right wing extremism, you allow a movement that should have no platform to grow almost unobstructed, which further normalizes far right extremist views in mainstream conservative political circles. Your inaction makes you complicit in the spread of fascism. Before you argue that you can oppose fascism without attending protests or doing more than making a few facebook posts, I agree that you can be ideologically opposed to fascism, but you are not doing anything to actually oppose fascism and bigotry. Paying lip service to a cause is insulting and irritating at best, and to see white allies pat themselves on the back for literally just sharing a post is just disrespectful to the people actually out there, who you have put in danger with your lack of attendance. Again, there is safety in numbers and when you and all the other moderates sit at home you put protesters at risk of violence If all you do is pay lip service to a cause you aren't an ally If you constantly come up with excuses to miss counter demonstrations you're probably not an ally, and if you are, you're a really shitty one. If you run the minute things get bad and leave the people you claim to stand in solidarity with in actual physical danger you're not an ally, you're a white person who went to a demo for a photo op. Don't preach to me about how you're such a great ally if you can't even stand in solidarity with a group. And don't post shit like "make racists afraid again" because you're a hypocrite and your inaction gives them confidence. So don't fucking call yourself an ally unless you're willing to fucking prove it. Tl;Dr: white allies are shit. Paying lip service to a cause isn't supporting that cause. Being absent from physical protest puts both marginalized groups and those who protest at risk while you have the privilege of sitting home. ** I know not everyone can attend every rally, and some people can't attend due to disability or economic situations. But so many people who can, don't. And that's not okay.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 117, August 2018

On Monday morning, I attended the Midday Music (formerly Morning Melodies) social function at the Cranbourne RSL. Like every Monday, I was basically in “recovery mode” from the weekend with low energy levels, lack of concentration and poor quality of sleep. However it was nice to be in the company of family and friends including Angela Dixon, Jen Angee, Judie Hedrick, Jules and Jim.

Today’s performer was Garry Johns singing the hits of the great American singer-songwriter Neil Diamond. He certainly looked and acted the part rocking a red and blue sequinned top, studded belt and black pants. I found myself half-tuned out and distracted after finding out that my clinical neuropsychologist Dr. Yasmin Baliz was suffering from a migraine and had to cancel my appointment at the last minute.

This plus a handful of other notifications which end up being anxiety triggers for me. It’s something that I’ve been trying hard to work at, essentially taking long periodic breaks away from social media and turning notifications off on my phone. It was becoming far too much for me to handle. I’m learning to “log off” and disable apps much more frequently now and focus on doing more productive activities during the day. Facebook, Messenger and Instagram in particular are very good at sapping all of my energy and time away so I really need to limit myself every day.

Anyway, back to Neil Diamond. Garry played many of Diamond’s classic tunes especially from the 1972 album Hot August Night including Crunchy Granola Suite, Solitary Man, Cherry Cherry, Sweet Caroline, Red Red Wine, Cracklin’ Rosie, Song Sung Blue, I Am...I Said and Desiree. http://www.australianentertainmentservices.com.au/gary-johns/ 

On Monday night, I attended my Men of Doveton program held at Doveton College. This session was very similar in structure to the previous week in that we spent the first half doing footy training and the second focusing on mental health awareness. The footy training this time we facilitated by Alan is who one of the program leaders. I think a few of the guys had mixed feelings about his teaching style especially during the criss-cross hand balling exercise which had most people very confused and uncoordinated. 

The thing I’ve really learned the most about participating in team sports is that it’s always been a struggle for me. I remember playing Auskick for a short time as a child and feeling intensely intimidated by the other boys. I was gentle, fragile and sensitive (and for the most part as an adult, still am). It just wasn’t for me back then. I was not the “sporty” type.   

You can’t simply unlearn 25+ years of being scared of having a ball flying into your face or feeling self-conscious about being tackled by somebody or sitting on the sidelines wondering what the hell I should be doing. It takes time to build those skills up and honestly I was having a fair crack at it tonight. Whilst I was obviously not the most involved player nor had the most possessions of the ball or kicked any goals, I still tried and I still participated. That’s all that matters. Full stop.   

The second half of the session involved listening to a talk called “BE WELL - How to Build Positive Mental Health and Wellbeing” presented by Troy Macris who the mental health team leader for the City of Casey. I found his presentation to be very informative, funny, entertaining and thought-provoking. He started by getting us all to brainstorm what mental health and health in general means to us and wrote a list of words up on the whiteboard. 

Next we gave us the definition of mental health by the World Health Organisation (WHO) and discussed the ways in which we can all stay mentally healthy. The major areas include diet, physical activity, sleep, social connectedness, self-esteem, dealing with failures and challenges, relaxation and personal values. Whilst I pretty much knew most of the material in Troy’s presentation, I still appreciated the parts he chose to emphasise. He used YouTube videos to drive the point home about the importance of having good relationships and how challenges can be opportunities for learning and personal growth. 

Being part of the Men of Doveton program has already been a good learning experience and showed me aspects that I still need to work on. Like embracing the fact that I’m often quiet, shy, reserved and don’t speak up much in large group settings. And to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m still a value member of this group and do make important contributions to these meetings. Hence why I love the ideas behind this program being about  including, encouraging and supporting each other. It’s exactly what I need in my life. 

On Tuesday morning, I attended my second NDIS information session held at the function room inside Bunjil Place in Narre Warren. Unlike the intense and stressful Amaze workshop last week, this info session was much more casual and relaxed. Once again it was lead by a lady named Sharna from the NDIA who somehow reminds me of Tammy May from My Budget. I found her presentation to be a lot more constructive, informative and helpful than Pamela’s one was hands down. https://www.ndis.gov.au/news/events/vic   

Surprisingly, the function room was only half full of attendees which indicates that a lot of people must have pulled out at the last minute. But this allowed me to concentrate more and take lots of notes. Sharna guided us through the various sections of what an NDIS Planning Conversation will entail. This includes your personal details, community and government services, how you manage everyday activities, your safety, participant statement, your goals, reasonable and necessary supports and how your plan will be funded. https://www.yooralla.com.au/news-and-media/blog/posts/How-to-prepare-for-your-NDIS-planning-meeting 

It was information overload for 1-1.5 hours especially when she started talking about the transition from planning into supports which involves connecting with providers, making a service agreement, placing a service booking and then having supports delivered. It is a tonne  of stuff to process but the slides were very clearly arranged and organised so I can go away and slowly go through it in my own time. https://www.ndis.gov.au/participants/firstplan 

On Thursday morning, I went to Degani Casey Central to catch up with my support worker Ally Lamb from PHaMs. Honestly I’ve been feeling like such a scatterbrain this week with trying to process all the NDIS information I’ve learned at the workshop and info session, dealing with multiple changes at work, lack of sleep and disrupted sleep patterns, dealing with lots of stress and pressure whenever I’m out and about. 

I’m finding that it only takes a couple of hours before I’m worn out and mentally drained so I never stay out too long at one place. Grocery shopping is a classic example of this. At least I’ve now learned to put coping strategies in place before I go out. I make sure to bring a load of reusable shopping bags and write out a list before I even walk into Woolies, Coles or ALDI. Being overwhelmed with product choices is a lot harder but most of the time I usually end up buying either whatever is on special or my trusted brand. https://themighty.com/2017/08/anxiety-grocery-shopping/     

And then there’s dealing with the general public and other shoppers. People are always in a hurry. Nobody is mindful of other people, nor takes two seconds to think before they act. I constantly feel pressured and stressed out whenever I’m in a crowded aisle or standing in a long queue at the checkouts. People constantly judge you if you're in their way or take too long deciding what to buy. It’s all in their body language and impatient stares. 

And then there’s the social awkwardness of not knowing what to do when the cashier is processing your order. Should I say something or remain quiet? Where do I look? I’ll just smile and pack my trolley. So getting my grocery shopping done ends up being a massive relief for me once I’m out of that supermarket. http://keepyourcalm.com/blog/how-keep-calm-and-confident-grocery-store 

On Thursday night, I attended a social night with the 30+ Adult Aspergers Victoria group at Taco Bill Mexican - Blackburn. I was honestly in two minds about coming to this tonight considering how low and tired I’d been feeling most of the day. But after spending most of the afternoon in bed, I was determined to drag myself out of it. It’s been a few months since I last attended an event with this particular group of Aspies after the discussion went off the rails and felt like I needed to take a break. https://tacobill.com.au/locations/blackburn 

My feelings were still pretty much the same tonight but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try. Mexican food is pretty well out of my comfort zone and I spent 5-10 minutes browsing the menu. I was pretty indecisive about most of the options on there plus I wasn’t especially hungry so I chose to get a single hard-corn taco with shredded beef, a sticky date pudding and a stubbie of Carlton Draught. 

The guys I was sitting with at my table were all intellectuals and difficult to relate to but I did attempt to chime into the conversations when I could. Plus it was a good opportunity to practice my active listening skills and be more comfortable making eye contact. Thankfully the LCD screen and Mexican decor (Tequila anyone?) did offer some brief moments to diffuse my social awkwardness but a shitty reality TV show like The Bachelor isn’t exactly going to hold my attention for long. 

After about 1-1.5 hours, I was eager to leave as I was getting bored and restless and had a long drive back home. As usual, at any social gathering, leaving is probably the most challenging aspect for me and so I resorted to the shift ninja escape method of having a toilet break then swiftly walking straight out the exit. It may seem rude but I’m really terrible at saying goodbye to people especially when I don’t really know them that well. Still I’m glad that I made the effort to even attend and face my fears. https://aspergersvic.org.au/events-groups 

On Friday morning, I had an appointment to see my Clinical Neuro-psychologist Dr. Yasmin Baliz at CNS: Comprehensive Neuropsychological Services in Narre Warren. I was burning the candle at both ends a little as I was determined to get a workout in at the Casey Arc Health Club and gym. This week I’ve been really been struggling a lot with my sleeping patterns, anxiety and motivation. Besides my footy training session on Monday night, I haven’t done much exercise at all which is pretty unusual for me. Something is definitely up.    

We met inside her usual office on the first floor of building 64, Victor Crescent. I literally had half a reusable shopping bag full of notes on the NDIS plus my diary so I was very prepared for this appointment. The NDIS is still a massive web of confusion for me, although it is slowly becoming clearer the more advice I get about it. 

There are so many options and factors to consider before I’m ready for my planning conversation. What goals do I have now and for the future? Which providers and services do I want to use? Do I want to self-manage my plan or have it managed by an agency or the NDIA? What things do I need help and assistance with now and in the future? Who are my “go-to” supports? At least I can say I’ve partially answered some of these questions so it’s a work in progress for me. https://bettercaring.com.au/blog/disability/prepare-ndis-planning-meeting/ 

The next thing to tackle was my sleeping problems which has recently been getting increasingly worse and severely impacting on my daily living and brain functioning. Yasmin suggested the M word, medication, which I’ve been pretty reluctant about as I’m worried about the side effects and getting dependent on them. But she recommended only taking them 1-2 times a week to avoid that from happening. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/safe-use-of-sleeping-pills 

She also advised to start making a sleep diary again, improving my sleep hygiene and look into buying a digital sleep monitor of some kind. I’ve tried so many different strategies to help me fall and stay asleep at night (lavender spray, natural sleep vitamins, lighting candles, playing guided meditation and nature sound videos, using a eucalyptus vapouriser, drinking a cup of herbal or chamomile tea and soon using a weighted blanket) with varying degrees of success. So I’m hoping that Yasmin’s suggestions will work better than what I’ve tried. https://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-topics/sleep-hygiene 

“The same sun shines one everyone. If I stumble or fall, it’s good to know we share it all. Singing yeah. We’ve come undone. Yeah there’s water in my lungs. Yeah we’ve come undone. This heart it weighs a ton.” Evermore - Shines On Everyone (2012) 

“Everything is fragile. Everything will come and will go. Everyone is fragile, but most don't let it show. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. And you know sometimes you've got to give it all you got.” Evermore - Sometimes It’s Easy (2012)        

“Here you go again, rainy day friend. Your head in your hands, won't you understand That you, are not the first to fall into pieces...So it turns out all your plans. They were built upon the sand. You're afraid to take a stand. But I know that you can.” Evermore - Pieces (2012)