#and b) to delve into the SHITTY side of alphas. because. just because they're not common doesn't mean they don't exist

[theateared]

It Doesn’t Matter. ❜

 Summary:  No more.

Warnings/Author’s notes:  Mentions of sexual abuse, mentions of forced conception.  All sensitive topics are treated with sensitivity and are cast in a wholly negative light.  This isn’t a kink-fic, nor a self-indulgent NSFW drabble like when I write Eddie/Grace content, this is important backstory for Grace, hence why I’ve written it and not shied away from certain details.  Thanks.

    It rarely ever stopped.

    When one lye was finished, another took their place, and the cycle continued.  She’d lost feeling in her body several days ago, her stare blank and empty as it remained glued to the sky. At night, she would stare at the stars and wish with all of her might to join them, to cut ties with her empty vessel and float aimlessly along the Astral Plane.  Not even laying eggs made her feel much anymore  -  and even though her heat cycle had finished a couple of weeks ago, making her incapable of conceiving children any longer, it wasn’t stopping them from using her.  

    That night was strange.  

    After the woman atop her had moved away, spitting on her face to finish, nobody else came. Gradually, Grace’s ears perked up, listening for the approaching footsteps, the dread in her stomach thick and heavy.

    Someone’s coming.  They always are.

    For the first time in weeks, Grace brought her legs together, closing them.  She was a small thing in her true form.  Her normally sleek black coat was ruffled and matted by her legs, a myriad of fluids soaking the fur until it had turned borderline solid.  Only when she was certain that nobody was coming did she dare to roll onto her front, the grass sounding all too loud to her alert ears.  Tired eyes fixed on the trees in front of her.

    I wish I could run into them.  I wish I could get up and not look back.

    Her heart stopped as she heard somebody coming towards her, body tense and frightened. However, they walked past without even looking at her.  I wonder where they’re going.  I wonder what order they’ve been given.  I’d kill to receive an order at this point  -  I’d do more than kill.

    The lye’s head slowly turned to the side to regard her fallen companions.  Those that had met a similar fate to her had either turned into unresponsive drones, died at the hands of those that abused them, or worse, turned into whores in heat.  That was the worst, Grace would argue. Previously well put together women begging for strangers to defile them--  to make her watch as they were surrounded and overpowered.  Though she tried to tell herself that it wasn’t personal, that these poor women had been broken, just like her, she couldn’t help but feel mortified by their taunts.

    Don’t act like you don’t love it, Grace!  This is what we’re made for!

    She turned away, unable to look any longer.  As much as she hated to admit it, her respect for these lyes was gone.  It wasn’t their fault.  They had simply snapped under the circumstances in a different way, but she still couldn’t find it in her to forgive them for the horrible things that they had said to her--  for the  depraved  things they had begged their abusers to do.

    I want to run.

    The forest was stared at out of the corner of her eye, then wholly.  Though she hadn’t moved from her position on the ground, it seemed much closer than before--  as if her willpower had tied a string around the earth and tugged it closer to her.

    Everything aches.  I don’t know if I can move.  I haven’t moved properly in weeks.  I’ve had children recently, so I’m weaker.

    Dear Raku, please have my children survive this.  Please God, take care of them.

    “Think she’s almost done.”

    The voice caught her attention, ear subtly flicking in its direction.  As she honed in on the conversation, she realised that Nyx  ( her current Alpha, by technicality  -  Grace had denounced her involvement with the creed privately several weeks ago but had not been in a position to do so officially )  and one of her hunters were talking.

    “Doesn’t even scream anymore.  She’s like a corpse.  Best to kill her.”

    “Don’t be so quick, Flit!”   Her voice makes me sick.   “She’s still of use.  She’s still alive, so she can still be bred.”

    “But she can’t lay more eggs until the next heat cycle.  What do we do with her until then?”

    Her Alpha laughed.  It was a shrill noise, as if she was about to explode from the hilarity of it all.   “Whatever we like!  You’re thinking of her as a lye, not as a possession.  That’s a dangerous thing to do.”

    Grace zoned out then, not content to listen to them any more.  She felt hurt and worthless, but most of all, she felt angry.  It started as an ember in her stomach;  a flicker of annoyance in the hollow dark, though as time went on, it became a wildfire.  In her mind’s eye, it tore down trees and burned this sorry creed alive.  It melted her Alpha’s flesh from her bones and buried her beneath a poetic heap of ash.  It charged her aching limbs, making her slowly rise from the ground on shaking legs, the movement discreet so as not to draw attention to herself.

    How could you do this to someone?  How dare you do this to someone?

    Her battered body protested against her weight, joints cracking, vision bleary and unfocused as she stared into the hole through the trees.  You’re not a toy, Grace.  You’re not a toy.  Are you going to let these lyes take your life?  Are you going to let this woman reduce you to nothing? She isn’t your Alpha, not really.  An Alpha wouldn’t hurt you like this.

    Then why have both of my Alphas been shitty people?

    You have to take care of yourself, Grace.  No.  More.

    She didn’t even think about it when she tore off.  Her desperate movement alerted both her Alpha and Flit, their heads snapping in her direction.  Traitor.  Don’t fucking look at me.

    “OI!”   It was all she heard as she darted into the trees.  She was slow to start--  or at least, what she would consider slow.  Her main skill was her speed and agility, and that had been so no matter where she had been.  In both of her creeds, she had always wound up a scout as opposed to anything else.  Her footwork was clean, beautiful, coveted even;  so much so that it could put world-famous ballet dancers to shame.  Everybody was replaceable, or so the idiom went, but she would bet a bitter cold’s worth of food that she could outfox most.

    It didn’t take long for sets of feet to register in her ears.

    They’re chasing me.  And if they catch me, I’m dead.

    She forced her legs to move quicker, for her brain to  wake up.  It had been a long time since she had moved at all, nevermind run for her life, and it was wearing her thin.  The only thing keeping her going was knowing that, if she didn’t, she’d wind up there again.  It would go back to how it was, she’d be nothing more than a sex doll  -  and that was if they didn’t kill her for attempting to run away.  The fact that being reduced to a toy again was her best outcome just made her run faster.

    Her ears gradually became attuned to her surroundings, senses guiding her through the dark. As she became accustomed to movement again, her footwork became more elaborate.  I have to throw them off.  I can’t run in a straight line.  

    She weaved through trees and ran through bushes, curling herself up trunks and flitting through branches as if she had wings and not legs.  She barely leapt aside as a hunter descended from above, sending him barrelling into a tree instead.  He hit it so hard that he didn’t get up again, lying motionless at its base, and Grace couldn’t help but laugh as she tore through the dark.  It was a crazed noise, one full of fear and fury, and it echoed around them as they ran.

    Shut up.  It’s keeping you on their radar.

    “You’re DEAD, bitch!  FUCKING DEAD!”

    Furiously,  she forced herself to pick up speed, charging straight into a thick fog.  It was a risky move, though she heard the briefest of hesitation before they continued to pursue her.  They didn’t want to go in there.  They didn’t want to compromise their sight even further.

    At some point, she stopped thinking.  Her brain switched into autopilot, carrying her seamlessly through landmarks and obstacles alike.  With her ears and nose fully focused on where she was going, it wasn’t too hard to manoeuvre, even in spite of the dark.  With the adrenaline coursing through her, each shot like a tsunami more powerful than the last, her tired body fell into the back of her mind.

    I refuse to fall back into your lap.  I won’t ever open my legs for you again.  You’ve already taken my children from me, and you’ve already stolen my honour  -  I will not let you keep it.  I’ll keep on running forever if it means you’ll never touch me again.

    She prepped herself to jump over a large ravine, body thin and small as she cleared the ten-foot-gap.  As she landed, she heard another lye jump after her.  Quickly, Grace turned, hacking up venom and spitting it into his face.  It landed straight in his eye, and it sent his body off-kilter. What would have been a clean landing turned into an aimless plummet as he missed the edge of the cliff, tumbling into the gap below.  If he hit the bottom, she didn’t stick around to hear it, her pace picked up immediately.

    I’m so tired…  I need to rest…  I need to stop...

    But she couldn’t stop.  She ran until she was sure she’d turned in a circle;  until the undergrowth she was hurtling through looked very much the same as it had half an hour ago; until the roar of water entered her ears and drowned out the sound of footfalls.

    “Is she crazy?!  She’s headed for No-Man’s Bluff!”

    “Don’t stop!  Either she runs into the woodland again or she jumps to her death.”

    She ran towards the light of the moon, tiny form illuminated as she emerged from the trees. Ahead of her was a curious sight:  a formation of rocky cliffs and narrow streams, all arranged in some sort of circular foundation.  In the middle, a single jagged cliff jutted up and outwards, overlooking an eerie pit of nothing.  It was hard to describe just how cavernous the darkness was.  If there was a bottom to the gaping chasm, it wasn’t apparent.

    Grace wasted no time, darting across uneven terrain with little difficulty, weaving between rocks and jumping over small rivers.  Even moving as quickly as she was, she noticed that some of the gaps weren’t full of water;  instead, a small amount laid along the bottom, spilling into other, much smaller crannies.

    If I could somehow just slip inside of one and wait…

    The footsteps behind her were getting slower.  The unpleasant landscape made it difficult to place their feet without tripping, stumbling into rivers and slipping along smooth rock.  The water had polished it over time;  corroded it steadily until it was a composition quite reminiscent of ice.

    “She’s getting away…!”

    Nyx growled to herself, watching helplessly as Grace vanished behind a tall pillar of rock.

    “She’s headed into the forest on the other side.  Once we clear this bluff, it’ll be fine.”   After a moment, she levelled Flit with a hard look, one of utmost sobriety.   “You’d best catch her.  Or you’re in trouble.”   You didn’t get your name for nothing.  Don’t you dare disappoint me now.

    Grace paused for a moment, scanning her surroundings quickly.  The roar of water so close to her drowned everything out, made it easier to think.  I have to be quick, but I have some time. Hastily, she followed a crack in the ground, internally rejoicing as it widened.  The further she walked, the further it opened, and she found a spot where she was able to squeeze herself through.  Her body wriggled and writhed, getting wet on the way down, though eventually she was inside of the crevice.  She squirmed in an effort to turn around, attempting to cover as much of herself in water as possible.

    I want my scent masked as much as it can be.  It’ll be bad if they find me down here.  There’s nowhere for me to run.  I can barely move.

    When she was sure she’d done all she could, she waited with bated breath.  She could only pray that they would assume she had darted into the forest.  Why would she stay there anyway? As far as they were concerned, this was a stepping stone from point A to point B;  a means of getting to a place much more eligible to hide in.

     I can’t keep running.  I’m exhausted.  If I picked running into the forest, it wouldn’t have been long until my body gave up on me.  I’m not in a good condition.  Adrenaline can only do so much.

    The stress of it all began to weigh on her.  How did my life wind up like this?  I know what I thought a few times while this was happening to me:  that I wouldn’t mind  dying  if it meant escaping it…  but I don’t want to die.  I want to live.  Hot tears gathered in her blackened eyes, and a paw went up to cover her mouth, caging the sobs inside.  Not yet.  I’ll die if they hear me.

    She barely held back a gasp as Nyx passed over the crack she was lodged inside.  Her ears strained to hear over the sound of water, only a few words audible.

    …  trail’s gone cold…  didn’t see her…  get to it…  gone ahead…

    She waited for what felt like years, staring blankly ahead of her until the sky began to change, until the sun began to rise, until the birdsong became audible above the rippling stream.  Do I dare move?  What if they’ve waited for me?  What if they circle back and I wind up running straight into them?

    But she knew that she couldn’t stay  there

    After a few minutes, Grace forced herself out of the hole, wriggling much like a worm through the narrow space until she was able to claw herself out.  When she emerged, it was with a grunt of exhaustion, wet body collapsing forward onto the rock beneath her as her mind reeled.

    Oh God, oh God, oh God…

    She didn’t get to choose whether the tears in her eyes welled up or not.  They just did.  Before she could even think to smother it, she was wailing into the silence, her cries filling the pit that sat mere metres away from her as she emptied her sorrows into the void space.  Part of her felt uncontrollable;  like she could get up and hurl herself headfirst into the darkness below, and she wouldn’t mind if she never reached the bottom.  Thankfully  ( or perhaps un-thankfully, depending on who was asked  ),  her rational side outweighed the primal desire to send herself plummeting to her death.

    If I do that, that means my survival was for nothing.  Why run from death only to kill myself?

    Angrily, she dragged a paw across her face, ridding her eyes of tears.  I won’t cry.  I won’t cry ever again.  I already did so much of that in that creed, and now I’m free.  Without thinking, her claws sank into the place that Nyx had signed her, a congregation of pin-pricks by her neck, scraping over the teeth marks with vitriol.  A stuttered gasp left her, one full of both pain and pride, blood mixing with the water that made her fur heavy.

    It hurts…  it hurts so bad but it hurts so good too.  I don’t belong to you anymore.  Even if I can never get rid of your mark on my own entirely, I can keep scratching at it until my self-made wounds overwrite your signature.  I’ll craft my own meaning.  It doesn’t matter.  I don’t need an Alpha.

    I don’t need an Alpha.

    I DON’T   N E E D   AN ALPHA.

    She headed east that foggy November morning, even though she’d never headed east in her life.