#and anyway this is a side blog so it wouldn't be the same url even if it wasn't on anon

[allsassnoclass]

I don't know a thing about 5SOS but I see "occasional 1D" in your description so here goes!

When Louis' ringtone drags him, disoriented, out of a deep sleep, he almost can't make sense of the name he's seeing on his call display.

omg i'm honored that you sent one in!

When Louis' ringtone drags him, disoriented, out of a deep sleep, he almost can't make sense of the name he's seeing on his call display. In the time it takes for his hazy mind to translate the letters on the screen from meaningless symbols to a name, the call has already disconnected, leaving gaping silence behind.

Until, of course, the phone starts ringing again immediately. He stares at the name and wonders why the fuck Harry would be calling him at 2 in the morning for as long as it takes for this call to go to voicemail as well, then for half of the rings of the third one until he finally accepts it and holds the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Louis, hi," Harry breathes, sounding exactly as Louis remembers, even if his last memory of hearing his voice in person is from nearly four years ago.

Send me an ask with the first sentence of a fanfic, and I’ll write the next five.

[drinkingthemoon]

Relapse (tw)

Well, I've fallen headfirst back into my ED after being "recovered" for almost five years. I put that in quotations because are you really recovered when you still hate every aspect of your body and want to stay sick? It's a strange feeling when you know something is harmful and dangerous, yet you do it anyway. I never reached my UGW the first time, something that I always felt bad about. I went from an obese BMI all the way down to one in the middle of healthy, but that underweight number that called to me for so long was always out of reach.

In 2018 I went from 250 pounds down to 160 in about five months, then spent the last four years trying to be "healthy" and ignore the numbers. A couple months ago I got on the scale and I was at 200. Funny enough, the forty-pound weight gain wasn't what triggered me. I tried over and over to fall back into this but could never manage it. Even with the number on the scale going up I couldn't force myself to restrict how I once had. I would try and fail over and over, pour over my old food journals wondering how I had ever managed to eat so little. It seemed impossible.

Then about two weeks ago I watched a YouTube video about crochet. That was what did it. What an odd thing to flip the switch in my brain. I wanted to learn to crochet, make cool clothes, sweaters and hats and the like with nothing but a hook and some yarn. Then I thought about my body and how I would look so stupid. Somehow the thought of being fat and making clothes for myself was unacceptable. It would look so dumb to be fat wearing crocheted clothes. If I was thin I would look cool, it would take less yarn to make the garments and thus less money, less time, etc. That made me think about how bad I look in all clothes, how I never got as thin as I wanted. My UGW was always 130 and I failed. Not only failed but worked my way even further away from it over the years. Disgusting.

It was that video about crochet that did it. Suddenly I had the self-control. I started restricting again and it worked. I didn't give up halfway through the day like I had countless other times over the last few years. Anyone who has an ED will know this feeling, how it just clicks into place. You can try again and again but if your brain isn't in the right space it won't work. Something falls into place and then it works. You can't force an ED, it's something that happens to you.

I'm already down to 189. The first week I was staying at 1200 calories a day, I told myself I wouldn't go lower, but it was so slow. I kept checking Losertown and doing the math and at that rate, I wouldn't get to 130 until late November. At my old intake of 800 I can make it by mid-August. Early July if I go back to walking 10K steps a day, which I've been working my way up to.

I do worry about my health. I don't want to die for this but at the same time, I wonder if that even matters? This world sucks, my life is so empty, everything is just work and pain. If I'm thin things will be easier. Maybe I'll finally get some pretty privilege on my side, and if I starve myself out of this world I guess it's not really a bad thing. It's probably better. My poor little autistic brain can't handle the real world, I don't need to live past thirty it's just getting embarrassing at this point. Better to go before I'm old and ugly on top of useless.

My URL used to be anorexicboyblues for those curious. I'm not sure how many of you are still around from back in 2018 when this blog was all about my ED. I'm not going to be making it all about that again, I don't want to post too much ED content for fear of getting removed. But there will definitely be some posts about it. I just need a place to vent. I've used this blog as a journal for years and will continue to do so, you can still go back and read all my entries from when this happened the first time.

The most important thing is that you should recover. It didn't work for me but it can for you. Trust me, this is not a good way to be. I know it's not healthy, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I need it right now. Hope y'all understand.

-Astral