#and also fuck the star wars animated shows for being so whitewashed to this day it's ridiculous

[jyndor]

just want to co-sign what is in this post right here. I talk about fandom racism all the time and I never, ever get hateful shit in response. honestly I keep my anon on, I am abrasive in my language and I’ve only ever a couple mildly irritating messages but never anything serious. that’s why when that anon asked for blogs about cassian that I love I didn’t give any because I know that the best blogs I follow for cass content (some of whom I consider my friends) are POC and/or latine and I have NO interest in unintentionally opening them up to some weirdo who might see them criticize fandom racists and then get fucking vicious with them, especially since I’ve gotten a weird amount of new followers lately and sorry folks but I don’t know yall, we’ve never met, I’ve not talked with you. nothing personal but fandom is extremely white and never handles conversations around fetishization, whitewashing and other forms of racism well.

these racists know what they are doing. they know that a white fan like me isn’t going to be hurt or triggered by being called racist slurs and being spammed with racist* abuse (I mean it’s horrible to see but it’s not personal to me, it’s not something we have that generational trauma over). it’s not going to work - and the goal is to silence voices of color and marginalized people. they don’t care to silence a white voice. in fact we usually get praise and like idk people just cosigning what we say.

white fans who claim to be anti-racist allies, we need to be explicitly, actively anti-racist. we gotta stand up for our friends and everyone else in these spaces who gets the abuse we don’t get.

*just to clarify because i didn’t know how to say this concisely but I mean some racist anon sending me racist shit isn’t harmful to me, not that you can be racist to me lol just to be clear.

[rawringryu]

tEn cHaRaCtErS

I was tagged in this meme by the awesomely rad @francisthegreat whom I’m lucky to have as my friend :) Also I’m sorry this is so late! I didn’t see you tag me until like yesterday, I had exams this week haha. This was very hard to make because I have a LOT of feelings.

Ten characters from ten fandoms:

This list is going in ascending order, meaning my very favorite faves will be last on the list.

10. Bill Cipher (Gravity Falls) First of all on this list is this asshole, gosh I have no idea why but there was a period of time where I absolutely loved Gravity Falls and I shipped with a human form with Dipper mostly because of the amazing art and some pretty complex fics written for the ship. It was a wild ride and honestly thinking about this phase of my life always makes me feel weird, like I liked him purely because I liked reading shippy fics starring him. 

9. Pearl (Steven Universe) This one is kinda weird too? Idk man I absolutely love Pearl’s design and the way her character is written. I’m not in loop with the SU fandom because ugh it’s not a happy place to be but I absolutely love browsing art of her. I love how she’s such a broken character for a kids show! I used to read SU meta and they’d go on and on about how she’s a shit character, an asshole towards Amethyst and toxic. But tbh, I feel like she’s just a complex character that made bad choices at times, she’s trying to get better, she’s trying to cope with the loss of Rose someone she probably loved in more ways than one and how she felt Rose chose Greg over her, and now she’s gone. I mean, she just can’t let go and I think that’s very human.

8. Pitch Black (Rise of the Guardians) Alright but this fandom was the first one I’d ever been in once I started out in tumblr. It was very cool and leaves bittersweet memories tbh, I absolutely adored the art and fics this fandom churned out, I used to ship Pitch and Jack Frost. The thing about Pitch is the fact that the fandom practically merged the movie with the lore from the original Guardians of Childhood the movie is based on. In the book, Pitch has such a tragic backstory, his name was Kozmotis Pitchinier and he was the best general of the Golden Army. After capturing all fearlings, he was designated to guard the prison of their imprisonment , he was haunted by their whispers and pleading and his only solace was his daughter, of whom he kept a photograph of in a locket. But one day, sensing his weakness, the prisoners imitated her voice and hypnotized Kozmotis to believe she was being held inside with them. Frantic, he opened the doors to release her, but was instead possessed by ten thousand Fearlings.

Sorry for the long summary but I just want people to know more abt his backstory haha.

7. Loki (MCU) I didn’t really know about Loki until I watched Thor: The Dark World in the cinema and I was instantly in love despite this movie being the absolutely worst of all the MCU movies, which looking back I’d have to agree. Loki is yet another tragic character whom I’m sure everyone already knows about. I think Loki is a vulnerable character who tries to be good, wants to be good but he just can’t, or he tries and other people just won’t accept him. He’s a frost giant and those people are considered monsters, how can he not be bitter that he’s the very thing ha’s been indoctrinated to hate and fear. He is a very complex character that the MCU practically does not do enough justice mostly because he’s portrayed as a villain in the movies. But I wouldn’t consider him a villain, more like an antihero, nobody trusts him and he doesn’t think anybody can love him either. I’ve only read a bit of his comics and I gotta say Loki deserves so much more than what he gets.

6. Dr Strange (MCU) (I’m breaking the one character per fandom rule idc) I know a shit ton of people absolutely HATE Dr Strange, and for a variety of reasons too. They hate him because Benedict Cumberbatch plays him and hating on BC is practically the new edgy on tumblr. People think Dr Strange should have been played by an american asian and all that yada plus the ancient one being whitewashed. While I agree some aspects of Dr Strange is problematic, I think people need to give it more credit, at least watch it for the cool effects that the stupidly huge amount of people worked on. Also as an asian, I can guarantee you most people outside of America doesn’t give two shits about these controversies and movies should be a source of pleasure instead of thinking about all the negative shit only. Dr Strange deserves so much more, he’s an interesting and while he does share some qualities with Tony Stark, he’s his own character with his own issues. Plus his comics are very fun to read, come on, magic in the Marvel is such an awesome concept. Fuck you haters, I just wanna have a good time with the magic man.

5. Sherlcok Holmes (BBC Sherlock) This is also one of my earliest fandoms on tumblr. Sherlock season 4 absolutely ruined it with all the queer baiting and the shitty plot. But Sherlock had always left bittersweet memories for me too. Mostly because of the absolutely amazing and complex fics written for it, I will never understand how fic authors do it but Sherlock fics were amazing and I would gladly choose these fics over canon any time. 

4. Asuka Langley Soryuu (Neon Genesis Evangelion) I have so many feelings about this bitch right here, honestly one of the most relate-able characters for me. Asuka is a very human character, she’s very proud and has emotional issues. She was considered the best of the best and was trained to be an Eva pilot since she was four because she’s a child genius. However she has a tragic backstory, her mother underwent some tests and became insane, believing that Asuka's doll was her daughter and refusing to acknowledge the real Asuka, referring to her as "that girl over there." She eventually commits suicide by hanging herself; Asuka found her body when she went to tell her the good news that she had been chosen to become an Eva pilot. She couldn’t let go that Shinji the main character was starting to become a better pilot than her despite training for months only. She suppresses a lot of her emotions and had unhealthy ways of coping. I just want her to be happy.

3. Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood) Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is what I would consider the holy grail of anime tbh. Edward is just about the most selfless person out there in the fictional world of anime. I love the fact that Ed and Al started their journey off with mildly selfish reasons that is to return their body parts whom they lost to in a deal with Truth to bring back their mom which ultimately failed. In the end, Edward is willing to lose his alchemy, the very things that defines him, that started this whole mess, that is the source of his joy and misery for the sake of gaining his brother’s body back instead of selfishly using the Philosopher’s stone that’s made using human souls. I just want this shorty to be happy and I’m glad he is with that satisfying end.

2. Hitsugaya Toshiro (Bleach) The reason this guy is ranked so high in my list is mostly because, he’s been there for me since I was a smol kid, I’ve had a crush on him ever since I was 10 and I could never let go. He’s the one fictional character whom I still fallback to every time things stagnant, I love reading fics about him, he’s just so cool! He’s a child genius with a sword that can shoot ice dragons. Plus he’s always written in such a complex way in fics, Kubo missed his fucking chance by not expanding more about his character in the manga, but clearly Kubo is incompetent when it comes to plot so whatever I guess.

1. Kylo Ren (Star Wars) The Star Wars fandom or specifically the Kylux subfandom is probably the happiest plave I’ve ever been in since forever. It’s the first time I’ve ever talked to anyone at all online, I only lurked around in other fandoms but Star Wars made me able to brave the fandom and talk to people in it, I’ve met so many amazing people and read amazing fics in it, it’s mostly due to the KRB discord chat that I’m still going strong with this fandom. I absolutely love Kylo Ren and can he please crush me between his thighs. The thing that attracted me to him besides his unconventionally attractive appearance is his emotional vulnerability. Kylo has been neglected by Leia and Han as a kid and sent away to jedi school with Luke, he’s been manipulated by Snoke as a kid and Leia and Han just don’t think they can take care of him properly, they’re afraid of him and always too busy with their work, Kylo wasn’t planned, the way their relationship worked just wasn’t ideal for child rearing, Kylo was left alone with Luke, unable to understand why his parents don’t want him anymore, how he was too emotional for the jedi way. While what Kylo did was not justifiable with all that murdering, it’s not a stretch to say that he was very mush a victim of circumstances too. I related to Kylo a lot as I’d been sort of neglected as a child too, both my parents were always busy with work and I only saw them during mealtimes and before bed.

Sorry for the long post ya’ll! I have so many emotions about fictional characters haha.

I’ll be tagging @magicandmalice , @omega-hux, @tezzypants, @darktenshi17, @comraderevelin, @kylocatastrophe, @dargason-under-the-fantasia, @oblioknowlton, @evilblubber, @plasticpill and @glass-oceans that is if ya’ll want to, I had fun and went super overboard.

[comicsbeat]

§ Nice Art: Francesco Francavilla gave us the Thing vs Thing team-up we’ve all dreamed of on Twitter.

§ Nice art supplemental! Takashi Miike has made a movie based on the manga JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and it looks insane!

This is the guy who was somehow able to make us laugh at a scene depicting a hitman slicing off his own tongue in Ichi the Killer, after all. The JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure manga by Hirohiko Araki debuted in 1987 and chronicles the adventures of the Joestar family across several generations as they use their unusual powers to tackle a variety of supernatural threats. With around 100 million copies in print, it’s the bestelling horror manga of all time and also one of the bestselling manga series overall. Judging from the trailer, Miike’s adaptation will feature highly stylized visuals and colors, so we should be in for an incredible cinematic experience when Toho and Warner Bros. co-distribute the film in Japan on 4 August 2017. It stars Jun Kunimura, Nana Komatsu, Mackenyu, and Takayuki Yamada.

Bestselling horror manga? Whoa. Here’s the teaser trailer:

And the character posters! So manga!

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  § Alison Bechdel has drawn a few new Dykes to Watch Out For comic strips, and it might be about a certain orange toned president.

§ Tom Spurgeon interviewed Ron Wimberly about Prince of Cats and the rest:

It’s such a shit show, the human brain. We think the way we remember things, that’s how it truly happened. Photoshop has been great because we’re now even more aware how fake everything is. [laughter] It’s just perception. Now that it doesn’t require someone that’s great at gouging, or working on something with a knife, now that a teenager can put Hillary Clinton’s face on Snoop Dogg’s body, we know everything’s fake. Karen Green asked me something. She had read the book. When I’m thinking of names, I always give myself a game or a problem to solve to come up with answers. So the tape at the beginning, at first they were listening to the Stooges or something. Then I was like, “No that contextually doesn’t make any sense.” What would they be listening to? How is this tape a microcosm of the entire world? What if Milton, a contemporary of Shakespeare: he had written this poem about Shakespeare when he died. So Rammellzee and Milton, I mashed them together, and that’s what in the tape in the tape deck. But I totally forget about that! I had come up with a name pulled from one of the prior authors of a Romeo & Juliet. Karen, being the genius she is, is like, “Oh, that’s such a great thing you put in there. I can’t believe you did that.” And I was like, “Oh, yeah. Thanks.” [laughter] I totally forgot I had done that!

§ Someone PLEASE MUZZLE FINN JONES. The Iron Fist star just keeps digging a deeper and deeper grave with every interview where he attempts to explain why Iron Fist reviews are so awful and people don’t like the whitewashing. First it was “it’s for the fans” then he blamed Trump. Here’s his take in Vulture below. A couple of things: Jones is British and they have a slightly different approach to racial issues than we do in the US. No excuse, but probably why he keeps blabbing. Second, he’s an actor. A young actor. And not everyone can be Cole Sprouse. So please, someone…teach him how to listen and acknowledge. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

There’s so much outrage in the internet these days, right? Why don’t people just — look, the issue is that people are judging before they’ve even seen the show. And that’s problematic. C’mon. Don’t get angry and start a mob when you don’t even — you haven’t even seen the show! You don’t even know what we’re doing with it. It’s unjust. It’s unfair. Whatever issues they have may be true of the comic books; it was written in the ’70s. It was a very different time to where we’re at now. Very, very different. I get it. There needs to be more diversity in film and television, in all fucking aspects of life. There needs to be more diversity, period. Unfortunately, this show was picked, for whatever reason. I don’t fully understand, really, but what I say is, Watch the show. Watch the show, then make your opinions.

  § Paste magazine has the picks for comics on sale tomorrow and it’s a good week!

§ Vanity Fair chatted with 96-year-old Al Jaffee who is still cartooning and still amazing.

§ Image is holding a Homecoming Dance at Rose City Comic Con again. Details below:

Back by popular demand, Image Comics is pleased to host a very special formal Fall Homecoming dance for the comics community during the Rose City Comic Con festivities. The dance will be held on Saturday, September 9th from 8:30 p.m. – 12:30 a.m. at The Evergreen. This event will be 21+ only. IDs will be checked at the door.

Tickets to the Image Comics Fall Homecoming Dance are on sale now.

Image Comics’ Fall Homecoming will be in the style and spirit of a traditional high school dance and all comics fans and industry members are encouraged to come mix, mingle, and dance the night away.

Image Comics Fall Homecoming ticket tiers: $20: Entry ticket $45: Add-on pack, including an Image t-shirt, variant cover comic, commemorative pint glass, and enamel pin $79: VIP pack—ticket to the party, add-on pack items, and access to special VIP area at the venue (limited quantity, only 100 VIP tickets available)

§ Britt Hayes reviewed Atomic Blonde, the new comic book movie and liked it:

In one of the most striking cinematic introductions in recent memory, we meet Theron’s Lorraine Broughton, covered in bruises and soaking in an ice bath. She sits on the edge of the tub and plunks ice cubes from her bath into a glass, filling it with Stoli and gulping it down without the slightest wince. If you’ve been waiting for a female 007, she’s here — and she might be even cooler than Bond with all his ridiculous gadgets.

§ But Valerie Complex of Nerd of Color saw a preview for Ghost in the Shell and it was Worse Than We Thought:

On February 28, I saw a 15-minute sneak peek of the Hollywood adaptation of Ghost in the Shell. From the announcement of the project, this has always been a bad idea. But the announcement of the cast and story has made things much worse. Most noticeably, Hollywood adaptations of Japanese anime have yet to be successful. Either their stories veer too far from the source material, the director isn’t a good fit or the casting makes no sense. You would think Hollywood would learn, yet here we are, on the precipice of another anime-adapted flop.

§ Good news for Valiant! The Russo Brothers (Civil War) have signed on to make a Quantum and Woody TV show .

The team behind “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” and “Captain America: Civil War” will develop “Quantum and Woody,” about the world’s worst super-duo, with Valiant Entertainment. Anthony and Joe Russo will be executive producers alongside Mike Larocca and Valiant’s Dinesh Shamdasani.

§ Another graphic novel is coming to the screen! Days of the Bagnold Summer was a hilarious and sad graphic novel about a 15 year old heavy metal music fan forced to spend the summer with him mum. Created by Joff Winterhart, it was shortlisted for the prestigious COsta Award in the UK, and now it’s going to be a movie, directed by Simon Bird, a well known Brit comic known for The Inbetweeners. Some good comic fodder there.

§ Vox runs down why people are so upset about Marvel, Magneto, and Nazis, explained:

For people who aren’t comic book readers or casual fans, the vocal fight over the origins of fictional characters can seem confusing, or even trivial, considering real life white supremacists have become fixtures in the current national political conversation, and bad fiction happens all the time. But the fight goes beyond the comic book history of Captain America and Magneto and deeper into the significance of art’s connection to morality. It’s an embodiment of how powerful fandom can be, and the ever-challenging question of who owns art: the artists creating it or the fans purchasing it.

I know Marvel got locked into this storyline long ago, thinking that the old good guy turns bad switcheroo was a comics book staple, but those days are over now.

§ Also over maybe, line wide events? This article at CBR suggests so.

We’ve come to expect that every year the seeds for an event will be planted to culminate in a crossover that summer. Now, it seems like the only thing that makes these stories different from one another are the principle cast members. It doesn’t help that Marvel touts each crossover as a universe-altering incident that will have repercussions for years to come. How can this be true if the following year’s incident will change the status quo that had been established just a year prior?

§ Finally, this photo from the set of Logan got punked on the internet and now Snopes had to explain that, no it isn’t a photo of a man who got mugged on his way to buy comics for his daughter. Fake news. It’s everywhere.

Kibbles ‘n’ Bits 3/15/17: Please muzzle Finn Jones § Nice Art: Francesco Francavilla gave us the Thing vs Thing team-up we've all dreamed of…

[mightymikelechn]

A Date With the Republican Wives’ Club (a Short Story)...

A Date with the Republican Wives’ Club (And other Socioeconomic Anomalies)

By Mighty Mike Lechner

(From, “A Crush Story”)

 It was a sunny Saturday Morning. Michael Scheigermann was at his desk checking his email on his laptop while his same-sex mate, William Muzak was in the bedroom getting dressed. Then his cell phone rang. It was his best friend, Bob Cope. Both worked together as warehousemen for PlowShare Pharma.

 “Bob, what’s up? Adele giving you a hard time again?” Schweigermann answered as he was printing out something off his computer.

 “Not much. Mike, how would you like to join me and the guys for some Indoor Taser Tag at the WrexPlex?” Cope Offered.

 “No, Cope! As much fun as that day was, I am gonna pass. I am fresh out of adult diapers and really am not into shitting and pissing my pants and having to be treated for A-Fib this week…” Schweigermann replied, then added jokingly, “And besides, I am still reeling from me being a contestant on that short-lived reality TV show, ‘Psych Ward-Stuck in the Shock Tank at Creedmoor State Hospital’...when they actually gave me Regressive Electroshock Therapy and I was a blithering dolt having to be spoon-fed and in diapers for a month after accosting that hunky orderly...”

 “You were on that show on the XtremeChannel?? Was that the same one they Transorbitally Lobotomized that washed-up former child TV star and he died from encephalitis from a dirty icepick??” Cope inquired, playing along with the joke.

 “Yes, unfortunately! But at least I made enough on that show to pay my rent and utilities at Mudslide Gardens for two years…” Mike answered.

 “You and Bill have anything planned?” Cope inquired.

 “Actually, as you know, Bill just got out of the hospital again a few days ago and has been cooped up at home here all week. To get him out of the house, decided to do some food shopping at ShopRite in Garwood and maybe hitting the Farmers Market by the Train Station in Westfield and grabbing subs at Hershey’s or Duke’s Deli with my neighbors, Gloria and Robert Bumgardner. Probably will be free after that…” Schweigermann answered.

 “Well, I was thinking-Adele and I have tickets at the Meadowlands for ‘Monster Car Soccer’-it’s part soccer, part hockey, part demolition derby, and 100% fun to watch…”

 “is that where two teams of cars knock around a huge soccer ball and the goalies are Bobcat operators in big backhoes? Maybe. I had seen them in action on YouTube videos...”

 “Got two extra tickets-Adele got them from her new Radio Station gig in The City-want to go?

 “Let me see how Bill endures it...I will get back to you in a couple of hours. How’s Adele doing with her new job at WTUP??”

 “She loves it-although she misses working with Jim Blowhard and Big Joe Whalegut for that talk station near Philly….”

 As Schweigermann was talking with Cope, Muzak walks in Mike’s Office wearing grey gym shorts, a white T-shirt, flip flops, and a straw hat with silk sunflowers hot glued to it around the band and reeking of Jean Nate cologne.

 Mike looked up and said, “Bob, let me call you later-Bill is ready to go…”

 “Okay, I will talk to you later, Mike!”

 Schweigermann closed his phone and looked up. He whispered under his breath, Oh, No!

 “Bill, I hope you are not wearing what you are wearing to Westfield…”

 “Why not? You dress like we are going to war here…” Muzak Quipped back. Mike was wearing Digital Woodland Camo (MARPAT) BDU Shorts, Black TAC Boots and a T-Shirt depicting a SWAT team member with a battering ram ready to breach a doorway with the caption saying, KNOCK! KNOCK!!

 “At least, where we are going, they are Right-Wing, Flag-Waving Warmongers...don’t think the members of the Republican Wives’ Club can handle a crossdresser-we aren’t just there yet…” Schweigermann Retorted, then added, “But then again, it just might be fun as all hell to shake things up a bit. Maybe I’ll even” “wear my MICH helmet and pretend I am an old war vet with a TBI. Still reeling from the ECT sessions I have been going for lately…last night, after you went to bed, I went into a staring spell and after, a mild grand mal and pissed my boxers. Just used my last diaper today and wearing it underneath now…”

 “Michael! Why??!!...” Bill inquired.

 “The Meds are not working well anymore. And while you were in the hospital, I had a breakdown like I did in 2000 when you had the Colostomy Reversal and spent the weekend in Carrier Clinic again...” Mike replied.

 Then the doorbell rang. It was Gloria and Robert Bumgardner. Bill walked over to the door and let them in.

 "Hi, Guys! Gloria Bumgardner greeted as her and her husband, Robert walked in. Robert’s face looked like he was weaned on a dill pickle. Gloria had a mild form of Down’s Syndrome and Robert was an extreme Dysthymic and also went into bad, crippling depressive episodes like Mike. Both of them are permanently disabled and collecting Social Security.

 “Good Morning, Guys!” Bill Greeted them as he closed the door.

 Mike stood up from his desk chair and walked into the living room and sat in his whitewashed L. L. Bean porch rocking chair with a green damask cushion set. Mike greeted, “Good Morning, Gloria and Robert! Ready for a nice day out?”

 “Yes, Mike! We are!! Always a fun time with you guys…” Gloria replied as she sat next to her husband on the loveseat. Bill sat in his usual spot on his couch.

 "Guys, before we go to ShopRite, can we stop at the Farmers Market at the Train Station in Westfield and from there, we’ll go across to Hershey’s Subs to eat-sound good?” Mike Suggested.

 “Sure, Mike! Love Hershey’s Subs…” Gloria replied gleefully. Then Robert interrupted her, “Gloria, we don’t have a whole lot to spend until we get our checks on the third of the month…”

 “It’s on Us, Guys! We know you guys been struggling lately and I’ll even fill your tank at the gas station on the way…” Bill interjected. Then added, “we appreciate you guys taking us. Mike’s BMW is in the shop up the street and Mike’s not been up to driving the last few days…”

 “I know, Bill-I have been driving and/or picking up Mike for his ECT sessions at Rahway Hospital either from the Y or at Dr. Higgins’ office…” Gloria Revealed.

 “Gloria, I thank you much for that-at least Mike is in hands I trust. I wish Mike would have told me, but I do understand that he doesn’t want me to worry more than what I have to already with my own bad health-Mike’s like that-sometimes stays too strong for his own good…” Bill said to Gloria appreciatively.

 “Guys, I appreciate what you guys do for us, too!” Gloria replied.

 Mike turned to Bill and said, “Really, I want to apologize for not telling you. I really should. But when I see you struggle with your health problems and how much you depend on me much of the time, it’s extremely difficult to do so. I always had to stay strong-for my Dad, for my Mom, for Steve, for Debbie Schwarzenkatz-and why I stay strong for you…”

 “I know, Mick-because of your older ones being drunks and drug addicts and assholes…” Bill added.

 “Well, are you guys ready?” Robert asked impatiently.

 Everyone nodded in agreement, got up from their seats and left the apartment.

 After stopping for gas and the repair shop where Schweigermann’s 2004 BMW M3 convertible was being tuned up in Gloria’s old Toyota Corolla, they finally arrive at the South Avenue side of the Westfield Train Station. Mike, Bill, and Robert exit the car by where the Flea Market set up shop in the lot. Then Gloria drove further down to find a parking spot in the train station by the station house.

 No sooner Mike went over to the first produce vendor he encountered, he ran into his and Cope’s old co-worker, Dominick Stanhope. Mike and Rob nicknamed him the Donkey Stunatz. Mike was far from pleased to see him.

 Dominick recognized Mike and greeted, “Mike! What Brings you here-Vegetables to eat-or to use as sex toys??”

 Mike was checking out plum tomatoes and replied, “Come to think of it-both! See these plum tomatoes, I like jamming a couple up my ass before I start fucking myself with a greased cucumber and staining my sheets with the juice like I am having the gay equivalent to period sex…”

 Stanhope looked at him weird and scared and walked away. Robert and Gloria were laughing their asses off-along with a few other people that overheard. But one older woman dressed in Lulemon yoga pants and top with a serious camel toe that looked like a mattress folded in half, was clearly repulsed. She blurted, “You are a disgusting cretin! You are that hairy ape at the YMCA that blasts on your iPod that horrible head banger and skinhead music…”

 “And Yes! It’s so nice to be recognized…and I suppose you are here to purchase Produce here too for improvised sex toys, too…I take immense pride in being a subhuman animal that eats with his hands, pees in beer cans and soda bottles, shits in big pickle jars and brushes his teeth with his fingers while bathing in the creeks and rivers and then has sex with his brothers and cousins-I am a gay redneck…” Mike fired back.

 The middle-aged woman walked away. Then Bill walked to Mike and asked, “what was that all about?

 “Just a couple of humorless fucks that can’t handle seeing me…” Mike replied. “It was the Donkey Stunatz and he asked me what I was doing here. I told him I buy my sex toys here and pointed to the plum tomatoes and told him I like shoving a couple up my ass before I insert the cucumber to make like I am having period sex a having the red juice and seeds run onto the sheets like blood…”

 Bill laughed so hard that he was in pain from hernia surgery a week before. Then reluctantly, asked him who the woman was. Mike told him he didn’t know her by name-but had seen her at the Westfield YMCA several times in the cardio area and the Nautilus Room working out on the machines. Mike told him about the conversation he had with her and laughed even harder to the point he almost had to call an ambulance for him.

 After all of them made their rounds and purchased a few bagfuls of fruits, vegetables, and a few home baked pies, they head back to Gloria’s car to put in the trunk. Mike then suggested, “Guys! How about we go to Duke’s instead of Hershey’s?”

 Everyone nodded in agreement. They crossed the street and made their way into Duke’s Deli. A few of Mike’s BMX buddies were there with their bikes flipped on their handlebars and seats by the big window overlooking the train station and South Avenue. Mike knew them from the Bike shop up the street-Pro Tour Cycles. Mike bought and had serviced three BMX bikes from there and would go all over the NY/NJ area riding with them.  

 “What Up, Guys!” Mike Greeted four of the BMX’ers and three Skateboarders Mike went riding the ramps and street areas with. Schweigermann was a Street Skateboarder and a Street/Flatland BMX rider and stayed with it well into his 30’s-40’s.

 One of them asked, “Mike! Where you been?? Gary at Pro Tour finally snapped together a BMX team and a couple of the ‘Boarders made the team for Out of Bounds on Route 22…”

 “Oh, yeah, Jeremy? That’s Great!! Where’s Macaulay, my fellow flatlander??”

 “He’s at the Rutgers Flat Jam Contest in New Brunswick…” Jeremy replied.

 “He will snag at least second place-he’s mad good!” Mike said.

 Mike then turned to Bill, Gloria, and Robert and suggested, “Guys, go order a grab a table-order me my old standby with fries and a cup of mud...By the way, these are the guys from the bike shop and the skateboard shop I go riding with sometimes. Here’s Jeremy, John, Milton, George, Paul, Rich, Steve, and Marcella…” Marcella was a Skater chick in her 20’s.

 Then Mike heard a commotion and argument outside on the corner where Duke’s was.

 Mike stepped outside and saw the woman that insulted him at the Farmers Market earlier giving a couple of young skateboarders a hard time. Mike walked up to them and asked, “What’s Going on here??”

 The blonde-haired boy, no older than maybe 12 or 13, replied, “This mean old lady called the cops on us for skateboarding here...”

 “Is that so, guys? I’ll be back in a second” Mike said, seeing a road crew patching up a couple of potholes by the gas station next to the train station. Mike walked up to a worker with a spade in hand. Mike pulled out a $50.00 Bill for the shovel and walked back with it. The boys were scared shitless Mike was going to beat them with it. The Woman was enthralled at that same thought.

 But Mike walked up to the woman holding it out like he’s going to hand it to her. Mike said to her as he pointed the handle to her,

“Here, You Miserable Bitch! Here’s a Shovel-GO BURY YOURSELF WITH IT! YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD!! YOUR BODY JUST HASN’T LAID DOWN YET!!!THESE KIDS AREN’T DOING ANYTHING TO HURT YOU…” Mike growled at her like a Siberian Tiger as he threw it at her feet.

 She scampered away and got in her big wonking SUV and drove away. The boys ran across the street to the train station and down the tunnel to the North Ave. Side of the Station.

 Everybody in Duke’s were either by the door or their faces pressed to the glass.

 As Mike walked back into Duke’s, one of the guys he worked out and played Roller Hockey on Friday Nights at the Westfield Y walked behind him. His name was George Geronimo but nicknamed, “Hockey George”.

 “Mike, how you are doing, Guy!” George Greeted.

 “Not Bad-Not Bad at All, Hockey George! How You Are doing??”

 “Pretty Good. Miss you at Roller Hockey on Friday Nights, Mike!

 “Miss it too, George!! Hopefully, in a couple of weeks, I’ll make an appearance…You still a Season Ticket Holder for the Rangers? If you got an extra or two, like to start going to games at the Garden again…”

 “I’ll keep you in mind, Mike! Great seeing you…”

 “You, too, George!” Mike concluded as Hockey George was heading out the door with an order he phoned in.

 Without further ado, Mike sat down to eat his cold cheesesteak sub and cold fries. Everyone else finished their meals. Then Mike and his entourage left Duke’s and headed back to the car. A few minutes later, they arrive at the ShopRite supermarket in Garwood. While picking up groceries, Bill had to go to the bathroom bad. Mike stayed outside the door with the cart. The Men’s Room was locked and someone else was in there and another man was waiting outside the door. Bill had to go really bad. So, her tried the Ladies’ Room door and was open and available. He went in and did what he had to do. Then as he was coming out, the Haitian man that took care of the carts outside was getting ready to clean the Ladies’ Room. The Man said to Bill, “That’s the Ladies’ Room…”

 Bill Interrupted and said, “Well, I am a Lady…”

 The Haitian man was shocked and horrified. He ran out the store and by the smoking area, he pulled out of his pocket a set of Rosary Beads and proceeded to say the Rosary.

 Bill walked back to Mike and Mike inquired, “What the fuck happened? The Man that takes care of the carts ran out like he saw the Ghost of Papa Doc Duvalier…”

 “I had to go so bad, I went in the Ladies’ Room and he saw me and told me that was the Ladies’ Room. I told him I was a Lady and he ran out, Mike….”

 Mike laughed so hard, he almost pissed the diaper he was wearing under his shorts and shaking his head in disbelief. Then Mike said, “Let’s get the fuck outta here before we get arrested or hauled away to Carrier in straightjackets…”

 A half-hour later, they all checked out their stuff and hauled it to the car. When they got into the car and Gloria started it, getting ready to pull out of the parking spot, Bill told Gloria And Robert what happened at the restroom area. Gloria laughed so hard, she already had the car in reverse and accidentally stepped on the accelerator pedal instead of the brake. And two guesses whose SUV Gloria’s car T-Boned in the Right Front and Right Rear Passenger doors? The Lulemon Mom with the serious case of Camel Toe!

 She got out of her SUV as Mike exited out of Gloria’s car.

 “What the Fuck-Are you trying to kill me???” She forcefully and angrily asked Mike.

 “No, my friend accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brake. I am so very sorry, ma’am! Are you okay?” Mike consoled.

 “Thankfully, I am! Are you guys okay??” The Woman asked Mike.

 “Well, apparently, thy must be-they are still laughing at what happened a little while ago…” Mike answered.

 “Oh, you mean when your crossdressing friend used the Ladies’ Room and the Cart Attendant caught him and your friend turned and told him he was a lady? He just called me-I’m his Psychologist…”

 “Again, Doctor! I am so very sorry for today…By the way, my name is Schweigermann-Michael Schweigermann…”

 “My Name is Dr. Jane Hilderbrandt, PhD. My Husband name is Dr. Maurice Hilderbrandt, MD-he’s a Neuropsychiatrist and specializes in Electroconvulsive Therapy…”

 “Nice to meet you, Dr. Hilderbrandt! I know your husband-I am currently one of his patients. And you must know my Psychologist, Dr. Edward Higgson, PhD…The Crossdressing man is my same-sex partner, William Mazek. My friends and neighbors, Gloria and Robert Bumgardner were kind enough to give me and Bill a ride here today-both because my car is being repaired and yesterday morning, your husband gave me my third ECT treatment…”

 “I do know Dr. Higgson-he was one of my professors at Seton Hall when he was a priest! And I have worked with him and his wife Dr. Betty McCreary-still do!”

 “I believe we should get down to the business here with exchanging insurance and license information, and I see the Garwood Police are here to grace our presence, Dr. Hilderbrandt...”

 “Agree, Mr. Schweigermann!”

 The police came and Gloria and Dr. Hilderbrandt exchanged information and called their respective insurance carriers. Mike called his friend and neighbor, Bob Marzo to come and give Gloria a tow and a crowbar to pry the trunk open to retrieve our groceries. Also called Enterprise Car Rental for a rental car for us. Once everything was done, we headed back to home. Once Gloria and Robert dropped Mike and Bill off and put everything away, Mike turned to Bill and asked, “Wanna go down to Point Pleasant Beach and have dinner at Red’s Lobster Pot and hang at Martells and the boardwalk for a while and maybe stop at Barbara Mullins in Freehold?”

 “But the car is in the shop, Mick!” Bill exclaimed.

 “Got a surprise in the garage downstairs…” Mike said.

 “Meet you in front. Be Back, Bill!

 Mike flew out the front door. Mike opened the garage and stood a fully restored, triple black 1971 Pontiac GTO-Bubblegum Pink Eyebrow Stripes, Ram Air, Honeycomb Mag Wheels and all-even a vintage Pioneer AM/FM/Cassette Stereo in the dash. Mike fired it up and drove it to the front of the courtyard of the apartment complex they lived in. Bill was waiting out front and could not believe it. Mike parked it on the street by their apt. Mike walked up to him and said, “Still want to go?”

 “Are you feeling okay enough to drive?”

 “Yes, I am. Let’s get cleaned up and go…”

 An hour later, Mike and Bill climbed into the GTO and rode off to the legendary Jersey Shore.

 (End of Chapter-Next… “BedPan Tostado!”)