#and also! i don't want wade to be alone for eternity!!!!!

[some-stars]

for today's poolverine-adjacent thoughts, i offer you: Major Character Death! please scroll past if you reasonably want to avoid this.

so most of the time i just ignore that logan is aging slowly while wade seems literally immortal, because most days i don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the implications. but i do have a longstanding soft spot for fic about grief and picking up after and finding ways to go on after having and then losing the love of your life. so sometimes i like to think about--they get a good two or three hundred years together, and it's the happiest either of them have ever been and they grow into and change each other and are so, so in love. and then logan dies.

and for a long time--decades--wade is just...not really in the world. sometimes literally (he spends a good eight years holed up in a cave mostly asleep, letting the sensation of starving to death become soothing white noise) and sometimes in the sense that he'll eat and get out of bed and maybe even find some kind of work to do, but he isn't there.

but eventually--because he is human, and this is what happens to humans--he connects with someone again. not in the same way (never the same way, it's never going to be the same) but he finds himself taking care of someone who needs help, or running into the same person often enough that he starts to respond when they try to start a conversation with him, or just--someone. somewhere. that buried rusting part of his heart creaks to life, the way he was sure it never would again.

and god, how badly i want a story about the slow agonizing process of coming back to life, realizing that despite knowing how it'll end, despite everything, he does still want to reach out and build that connection. and he can. his heart can do that, still. and how beautiful and horrible it is that he can feel this way again even though logan is gone. i want him to get to a place where he can tell his loved ones stories about logan, all those centuries of funny and sad and sexy and stupid stories they made together. and i want him to have that again, with someone else. and then someone after that, and after that, and forever.

[postsforposting]

Saw a post about the Logan backstory that DPW might be referencing. The bits I want to talk about:

Mysterio tricked Logan to slaughter everyone in the Old Man comic run. But that plot, at least to me, doesn't make The Worst Wolverine. It probably makes the Most Tortured Wolverine -- the story of a man slaughtering his own family with his bare hands because he was mind controlled. Which inevitably created a power vacuum so gigantic that the world basically collapsed as supervillains take over the world. But the title of Worst Wolverine should belong to the Logan that completely abandons his most important moral value: to be the protector. The title of Worst Wolverine doesn't go to the man who got brainwashed and killed without knowing. The title goes to the Logan who killed indescriminantly and didn’t want to stop.

That would be true if this story is about Jesus and God (anchor being) saving the world. But Wade isn't Jesus. He's anti-Jesus, because he's an anti hero. Not Satan, which is the opposite of Jesus, but anti-Jesus. Perverted Jesus. A Jesus who saves by killing rather than offering (after) life. A Jesus who doesn't offer eternal life, but eternal death: killing those who need saved.

Logan is not a failed, coward of a god, but an anti-god. Again, not Satan.

This Logan isn't the worst version of Wolverine. He's the perversion of that character, a perversion of God. God saves living people if they agree to join him; people are saved in the afterlife--ie, saved after death. From the worse fate of eternal torture. If the worst of a good person is someone who doesn't help when they could because they're wallowing in their own self doubt....

An evil version would be a villain, selfish, laughing all the way, doing it for kicks because he hates everyone else.

An anti version is one who does the bad thing for the right reasons. Reasons no one else understands or agrees with.

A Logan who wasn't mind controlled while he killed everyone, fully knowing what he was doing, and freely chose to do that. Like the way Magneto is an anti-hero, trying to save his friends by killing other people. It's the anti version of that if Magneto "saves his friends".....by killing them.

Hear me out here: Wade knows he's fictional. Wade's most defining trait, when he chooses to become anti-Jesus, is that he does not want to be a slave. He succeeds in avoiding Francis. But when he becomes Deadpool, he learns he's fiction--and thus controlled by someone else, by god, by us. That's also slavery. He "escaped his fate" only to not escape his fate.

He and everyone else in the world are slaves of god. God of that world deliberately makes people suffer for his amusement: blorbo torture, because blorbo is not real but merely a toy--a slave.

How does one escape that? Get written out of the narrative. To escape slavery by author-god, you cease existing. Die. Only then will you not be a slave.

Eternal death as salvation. He only kills people who...deserve it.

To silence the voices in your head that control you...the anti version of IRL Jesus's eternal life via death.

Wade does the same thing: he kills those who are suffering from god the most, those who are damned to the fate he escaped from Francis. Who are being made to do evil things, who don't have a choice in the matter.

Villains. Like Francis was going to make him do.

Deadpool likes this Logan because this Logan IS him: Jesus and god are the same entity, just as Logan and Wade are.

If Jesus saves those who are damned.....who does god save? Everyone else.

If anti-Jesus saves those who are damned....who does anti-god save? Everyone else.

See how you can say two different things with the same sentence, if only your assumptions are different?

What can you do if you're a fucking liar like Wade, then? Say one thing and mean another, just like a double entendre. Let alone what you can say between the lines.

Wade only kills people who deserve it, because the most needy are who Jesus saves.

If anti-Jesus saves by killing, does anti-god save by allowing villains to live? Protecting and reforming them, getting them better lives? Because as god he's responsible for that?

God thinks everyone COULD be saved, if only they obeyed. Doesn't actually reach down and free anyone, does in fact demand obedience. Anti-god....thinks everyone deserves to be saved. Thinks no one should have to obey.

Wade's a fucking liar, but so is Logan: he couldn't have them thinking he wanted to be there, ie sent them away when they asked for help. Did he say no when he wanted to join them and just wouldn't admit it? Or did he not want to be with them at all, which is an equal interpretation of "incapable of telling them he wanted to be there".

Did the humans come and hunt mutants? Whose bodies were piled up? Is that truth or lie?

Was it really that he wanted to save the villains from slavery, it was too late, and it was the bodies of the villains he's upset about?

Worst Logan's world hates him because he slaughtered his friends, who were beloved by the world. He turned on the Xmen for killing people who attacked them. Did he kill them? Or did he just leave?

He ruined his world and did something unforgiveable: I think he killed them all himself. Lotta kids didn't get to grow up because of him, yeah? If he killed everyone in the school.....

Told them they looked ridiculous in their jammies they wore to....keep people alive, to kill villains, to kill people who were enslaved.

He couldn't help trying to save people, being there when it mattered most. Nobody understands why he did it, as not even the TVA are privy to the fourth wall....so they hate him. He's their worst. He earned that title by their books.

But Wade gets it.

Look back at what Logan does and does not say. Sure you can read a "he's a coward" between the lines....but you can also read anti-god, once you know he's a fucking liar.

Edit: "got you, fuck face": this isn't the good guy you think he is, this movie isn't what you think it is, and neither am i. We the audience are the fuck face

I also think Logan tried to tell his X-Men that this was all fictional. They're supposed to be all about helping people.... But they don't ever rehabilitate anyone. God would be disappointed they didn't actually want to help.

[icarusredwings]

"Wade, the girls are here."

"What?"

"The girls. Are. Here!"

"There goes a hare?"

*violently gestures to their daughters*

"Oooh! Look, honey the girls are here!"

*old man face palm*

Laura and Gabby coming to take care of them sometimes, bringing them food, bringing them medicine and constantly nagging at them to take it easy (but theyre both stubborn so they don't) they bring them to gatherings at the mansion on the holidays, refusing to let them be alone.

".. I don't want to go."

"Dad you gotta. They miss you. We all do."

But logan isn't dumb. He's already been to all of their funerals, all of their childrens funerals, and even some grandchildren's funerals. Jeans been dead for over a thousand years. Xavier has been dead for longer.

"Papa. Tell him to come. We can bring Puppins."

Ellie, who's 16 again (because her power keeps regenerating her to a teenage, but she ages normally otherwise) tells her, begging her father to come and do things with her step sisters.

"Come on. I'll drive you." Gabby, who's turned into a fine young lady over the years, barley looking 35 (I might be wrong but I swear she has the same healing as laura and if thats true then shes still alive, I thought she could scar tho so many shes filled with scars and shows wade how proud she is of them)

As proud as they both are of their girls, something just dosn't feel right even going on that side of town. The school by now has fallen apart millions of times and changes slightly with each rebuild. Logan doesn't even recognize it anymore.

They would rather stay in, with themselves. Wade curled up against him, rubbing in between his knuckles, logans head lazily laid against him as they watch a show over 500 years old, their home considered extremely lowtech compared to modern day. They have several "vintage" items like a ps5, which is nothing compared to the ps5X which was releasing later this year to celebrate their 50th playstation. The games have stopped working, their 800 year old laptop collecting dust in a drawer, letters and notes stacked high in a shoe box under the bed, the freezer full of left overs that their daughters keep bringing them.

It sounds depressing but.. theyre happy. Decently anyway minus Wade's once a month breakdown in which he tries to skin himself or clings to Logan for an entire 18 hours straight because hes terrified of him leaving him alone when he dies.

Sure, they've tried to off themselves together a ton already. Making a game out of it a couple hundred or so years ago but now the idea was boring. Theyve tried everything. Explosions, jumping off cliffs, hell, wade handcuffed himself to Logan and shoved him off a boat in the middle of the ocean. Logan almost died but Wade was tired of coming back to life only to drown again 3 times and decided fuck it then dragged logan out before he could actually die because "Ill be damned if your ass gets to leave me! You said eternity mother fucker!" While Logan threw up sea water. "You cant be mad at me because YOU cant die!? This was your idea! I hate drowning! If I wanted too I would have done it years ago!"

And then wade cried because the realization that Logan was only staying here FOR HIM made him extremely emotional. It makes him feel selfish. But "For eternity motherfucker" has been their thing for so long, and a promise is a promise.

So now, here Wade is, his eyes completely glazed over (he has no clue how he can see, he literally is blind but somehow he's not.) Crow feet on the sides of them that Logan absolutly adores when ever he can get Wade to laugh (because god knows they could be 5000 and they will still make each other laugh)

Also- The honeymoon phase never ended. And the fact that down there stopped working about 500 years ago does not stop Wade from slapping his ass- Only to immediately apologize because of how hurt his joints are, knees, ankles, toes, fingers, elbows, wrists, knuckles, hips, you name it- it hurts. Sometimes if Wade is feeling down about how he looks, Logan will whisper something really dirty to him in which Wade will giggle and look at him fondly. "You know damn well you can't do that anymore but im more then willing to try~"

The whole "Wade can't have a sexless relationship" thing was proven false about 300 years ago and while hes frustrated as fuck about it, he's kind of glad. (Though he had an entire crisis when he realized that logan didnt infact stay with him for almost 700 years becuse of his uber good dick skills but rather his personality-)

Theyve been through almost everything together. Even brief apocalypses. Saved the universe more then they could remember, had multiple life times worth of good memories to fondly talk about on rainy days, and have prived time and time again to one another that the other wasn't leaving them. No matter what.

Between the countless fights and arguments, now Logan shouted from his chair "Wade?" After each nap just to be sure he was still alive and here with him, honestly a little more scared of wade leaving him so he wouldn'thave to face the heart break then wade was of logan dying. (That's a ton)

"What?" He'd call back, not wanting to spook him because if too upset Logan will infact stand and force himself to walk. Hell- sometimes wade catches him "walking" puppins by wandering outside with her. Puppins by now is like a 'I went to the backyard and now im tired' kind of older dog, her tail wagging so hard some days that it breaks only to heal itself. Shes been killed by several things. Traffic, coyotes, chocolate, etc but always pops back up. (Tell you what, Wade panicking and hollering for Puppins at midnight after a coyote snatched her, watching her get attacked and taken only for her to come back in one piece, happy go lucky, was something that haunted Logan to this day).

Most nights, they're in bed by 6 pm, and by that I mean they lay there and cuddle for hours until finally their bones joints and muscles stop hurting enough for them to fall asleep.

A thought I would like you to sit on and think about:

When they get old, Poolverine, I mean, and logans easily about 1206 while wades like 1047. Wade obviously doesn't need tonworry about grey hairs and adores logans white hairs, but how would Wade look? Would he get wrinkles? Would he look only 60ish, look much younger than logan since he's almost 50 and looks barely 26? Is he skinner? Just how badly has his body aged? Disregarding comic lore- I wanna know your opinion. Would Logan struggle to walk around? Will the tables turn and he is now part time in a wheel chair? Whats their day like? Cabin in the woods is nice but that requires hunting and long trips to the store. Is puppins old too? Since she's a deadpool shes technically "immortal" too dont you think? How many times a week do they just sit infront of the fire at night, talking about their youth and stories? ... how many funerals have they attended? Do they even bother making friends anymore? Do you think that theyve learned to isolate themsleves from the world and become so codependent that they do absolutely everything together? Do you think in this older state that it takes them longer to heal? Can logan even use his claws anymore or does he soley rely on guns now?

Okay....I have so many thoughts. So many.

So firstly, discussing the way they age. I assume that Wade, because of how his regeneration works, stays the same age. His body always regenerates to that same state- the same age and condition- his body was in when he mutated, which is partly why the cancer is still eating away at his body. I don't think he really will ever age. Maybe his scars change a little over the years, getting rougher and redder as he ages.

I think he does get skinnier- less muscley- purely from them eventually putting up their suits for good and settling in to a more domestic life. I don't think he can put on weight because of the cancer, and I think the chronic pain gets worse too. He has more bad days where he can't really do much but lay in a warm bathtub and wait for the heat to fix his aching muscles.

If he does age though? If his body finally gives in and let's him get older? He is probably a mess, both physically and mentally. Wade feels bittersweet about gaining wrinkles and his hearing worsening. On one hand, he's glad that the world has allowed him the luxury, on the other? He hates that he lookes even worse than he did before. The scars start to turn brighter shades of red, the skin wrinkling and sagging in places, and it makes him even more insecure of how he looks.

Either way, his healing gets a little slower and he can feel the cancer trying to fight it's way in.

Mary Puppins is much the same. She doesn't really get older, just gets tired a little easier, and shakes if it gets too cold.

Logan? Logan ages SLOWLY. Very slowly. Eventually, though, he's getting aches and pains like everyone else, accompanied by wrinkles and joint pain. The claws stop working at some point. They refuse to cooperate with him, and eventually, he gives up. The constant ache of them sat idle causes his hands to shake slightly, and it's something he doesn't really like talking about. The one thing he was good at, and now? Now they don't even work.

I think Logan would panic a little at the idea of ageing- used to practically being the same for so long- but he would accept it pretty quickly. He would be kinda glad at the idea of finally getting older, finally being able to do something 'normal', even if it means he isn't as fast or agile anymore. They aren't sure if it's the poison from the adamantium or not, but his breathing gets a little weaker too. His healing slows down too, and it takes alot longer to heal from the tiniest cut- which he assumes is because his healing factor is trying to deal with the whole aging thing.

Wade would be the one having a full on meltdown. After so long, he finally had someone who 'matched his freak'- someone who truly understood his pain and trauma, someone who wouldn't die on him- and now, here he was, staring at the first sign of a grey hair on Logan's head. It reminds him that one day, he really will be alone, no matter what. Logan isn't going to be around forever, but Wade will.

Once Wade isn't panicking about Logan getting old, and once they realise that Logan is going to continue to deteriorate, they move to a little one floor house just outside of the city. There are no stairs, which helps Logan's aching hips, and the walk in shower (you know what I mean) is ready for when neither of them can get in and out of the tub anymore. They make sure Mary has a nice comfortable bed next to the fireplace, and Logan gets a big enough couch that him and Wade can fall asleep comfortably if they need too.

They don't really talk to anyone after all these years. After watching everyone they love pass away, they don't feel the need to make friends anymore. Logan and Wade both can't deal with the idea of watching someone they love waste away again- not now that they are both ageing themselves.

All they care about now is eachother- and Mary Puppins- and they take care of eachother as best as they can. Logan makes Wade heat packs and helps him clean up whe he vomits, Wade helps Logan move about when he isn't in a wheelchair and massages the aching muscles in between his knuckles.

It's tough, but they manage. They survive by keeping the other alive, and even though they know it'll end badly- either Logan is going to die and leave Wade, or they are both going to die together- it never stops their need to keep eachother safe.

Logan has to watch Wade as the cancer slowly starts to fight back and win, while Wade has to watch Logan age and the possibility of the poison taking over.

(Not the most coherent post, but I had so many random thoughts about it that I wanted to put in here lol, so here it is. Also GREAT QUESTION??? LIKE YES?? GIMME OLD MAN LOGAN AND OLD WADE HAVING TO LOOK AFTER EACHOTHER??)

[trillgutterbug]

tagged by @malewifemanhunter ty!!

name: trill q gutterbug, the q stands for queer

star sign: who knows or cares

height: 5'10, which means i can definitively say coffee doesn't stunt your growth, even if you start drinking it age 4

time: 9:38am 😓 i do NOT want to be awake rn but the rest of my family is gone atm so the grisly burden of letting the chickens out at ass o'clock fell to me. (eta it is now 12:13 bc i fell asleep for two hours before posting this)

birthday: the day laura ingalls wilder was wed

favorite bands/artists: of montreal, why?, clipping., and nine inch nails are the eternal faves i can't get sick of, but im also tremendously partial to kendrick and lil nas and hozier and mcr and twenty one pilots and the like. also i listen to a lot of chillhop and electroswing, because im a good person with good taste

last movie: i think mad god, which was fantastic and completely incomprehensible. i don't usually have the attention span to sit through a movie if im watching it alone, so.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (eg, the way i still have to finish everything everywhere all at once, which i got an hour into last week, enjoyed tremendously, then got up to walk around and listen to a podcast and play a video game and jerk off or whatever the fuck, and just haven't gone back!)

last show: i believe the latest ep of what we do in the shadows.... or maybe sunny? or euphoria? whatever it was, i was watching it with jackie im sure!

when did i create this blog: idk where to find that info, but im p sure 2014, after LJ shat the bed and i dipped from active fandom for a couple months and when i came back it was like.... owo where'd everyone go?! here, apparently.

what i post: constant thirsty nonsense about a rotating string of fandom obsessions, shitposts, sometimes a bit of tumblr-brand anarchism and socialism bc even the junkfood buffet churns out a smidge of healthy caloric content every once in a while

last thing i googled: i don't use google but the last thing i duckduckgo'd was........ where's wade wilson from, bc i saw something that said vancouver and one of the movies implied regina but i swear to GOD i know it's winnipeg from some other source. results annoyingly inconclusive.

other blogs: @truelevelb1tch, my rick and morty side, which is going to pop off again in a MONTH (!!!!!!!!!) when s6 starts dropping 😱😱😱. i do not apologise for the person i become when r&m occurs, fair warning

do i get asks?: not enough to worry about, thank goodness

following: idk where to find that info either, but it's probably a few hundred, the vast majority of which are inactive at this point. i probably see <50 blogs on my dash??

average hours of sleep: like eight, which is NOT enough for me, but it varies wildly between 5 and 10 depending on what im doing for work on a given day/whether i have to get up early for animal-related reasons/if im up reading fic until 3am/time of year/blah blah

instruments: flesh flute....,,,

what i’m wearing: nuthin

dream job: I Do Not Dream of Labour

dream trip: i hate travelling! but i am partial to visiting my cousins' farm on the reg, so let's say that

nationality: canadian

favorite songs: the trapeze swinger by iron and wine has been my fave song for about ten years. it's almost ten minutes long and if stats across various laptops and ipods and phones could be collated, it would show a playcount in the thousands lol. i first heard it as the closing music on the amazing podfic for the inception fic presque vu and it gutted me on the spot. ode to the mets by the strokes is also on the same trajectory. otherwise, my fave songs come and go in the usual way, by liking something and listening to it repeatedly until i can't stand it. (eta: just went into my music app to see if i'd forgotten anything, and literally the only thing on my "most played" list is the trapeze swinger, so...)

last book i’ve read: currently reading (aside from the massive eternal stack of ww2 ref books) the half life of valery k by natasha pulley and grimscribe by thomas ligotti. most recently before that i read borne by jeff vandermeer, the kingdoms by natasha pulley, blood meridian, the d&d 5e player's handbook, and some postapoc scifi thing that was so forgettable i genuinely cannot conjure up the name of it or its author!!

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: idk, they all seem uniquely bad in ways that do not necessarily improve upon the unique ways in which our current universe is bad. but to be sporting i'll say star trek of course, anything jared harris is in bc i want to fuck him more than im afraid of space terrorists or freezing to death or nuclear radiation, and the fictional universe i've been manifesting in my imagination for years where we never invented agriculture and i died at birth for simplistic umbilical cord-related reasons

lowkey tagging @kaasknot, @collapsinghorizons, @mollynoble, @twobrokenwyngs, @pohjanneito, @lingua-mortua, @sloppyplanetary, @alakeeffectgirl, and @quiescentire

[the-amalgam-house]

With everything that's been happening irt family and finances, I've been in a horrible depressive episode for what feels like many months now. Maybe it's only been a couple, idk, but it seems longer. I had to drop D&D again indefinitely and it's just. Like I know I don't have the mental capacity for it but it still bums me out, you know?

I asked my mom how everyone is doing over there after the last incident and she says it's not too bad, kinda stressful but things look to be working out. She also told me to put my trust in God and pray, as she always does. Even after I've made it clear that I'm not a Christian anymore, she still tries. Which I'm not like mad at but I'm really not ready for any type of major religion or whatever, and especially not the one that caused me the most sorrow and trauma.

I don't NOT believe in God. In fact I believe that all gods do exist. Maybe not all on the same plane of existence, but they do all exist in some form, beyond normal human perception. But the church and the beliefs of the people are what burned me. And technically that one isn't god's fault, it's human being human and showing their capacity for evil. It's mistranslations and personal bias being written into religious law by self-righteous god-kings and pastors/deacons/wannabe saints...etc. It's how humans set up the religion and told everyone it's God's will that really fucked me up. It's those people who hurt my friends and family so badly they never want to believe in anything beyond ourselves because something having that much power over humanity is terrifying and infuriating when all you want is to be left alone in peace.

I guess I still get a little mad. I've asked her not to get preachy at me before when I was really angry. I know she does it with good intentions, but I still roll my eyes when I'm told I should pray about it and show reverence to a god that people always told me would send me to hell just for being me. A vindictive and jealous war monger who shuns anyone who's a little different and tells their followers that their children are better off dead than living in sin. A very "do as I say, not as I do" mindset that never did come off as the type of deity that encompasses "love" but demands it through fear.

I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of being told that's the only way. I'm tired of trying to justify my existence and my worthiness to some man-made version of a "kind" and "loving" god who, according to his followers, has already deemed me an abomination destined to eternal torture. For what? What in my entire life could I have possibly done to deserve that? People who commit the worst global scale atrocities known to all creatures on the planet are praised as godly and just people, but a truly kindhearted human who just happens to be trans or gay or mentally ill in an undesirable way has to face utter destruction and despair into infinity? All while those corporate greed CEO oil drilling slave labor capitalist literal taint cheese manifested into a wicked simulacrum of a parody of a human are allowed to rise to idol status and sainthood in the eyes of the church.

I want absolutely ZERO part of that. I don't even want to be remotely associated with that by proxy. I want it so fucking far away from me and my life except I have to live in it, wading up to my nostrils in the fucking doo-doo swamp that is American Christian capitalist culture. The denomination doesn't matter, they're all fucked up. Baptists, Presbyterians, Protestants, Catholics, Mormons, Witnesses, there's like a thousand of them I can't remember them all and any time a sect tries to be any kind of progressive in any way the vast majority condemns them as not being real Christianity and just...

Like fuck off. Fuck off forever. Most humans don't deserve to suffer but the idea that one day there will be no more humans is somewhat soothing tbh. Fifth or sixth mass extinction event happening cause of these rich white cis straight greedy mega church evangelical tech bro assholes not giving a shit about the planet and the people and creatures on it.

Please I hate being here so much. I hate money. I hate mainstream Christian culture. I hate the nuclear family model. I hate technology enabling crypto bros and art theft. I hate that all our amazing technological advancements are all put to use in war and suppression instead of healthcare and infrastructure. I hate everything about this country and the state of the world currently and please I don't want to BE here anymore!!!

[kitkipauli]

18/08/22 There must be an angel

Watch out, gonna hit you with some song lyrics that spoke to me recently:

Don't take it for granted Love when you have it You might be looking over A lonelier shoulder Remember when we said We'd never have children I'm holdin' your baby Now that we're older

How time has revealed how Little we know us I've been too busy I should've noticed Days that keep slipping A life that I'm missing I wish it were true love I wish we were kissing

Show me a love that Won't ever leave or Look for another One to deceive I'm beginning to wonder If anything's real Guess we're just at the mercy Of the way that we feel

Alive with a past No other can share Alone with a heart No other can bear So give me some heaven Just for a while Make me eternal There in your smile

I am doing my best in this situation, but it's like barely walking up the flight of stairs on your fours when you should be running and skipping every second step - I lost all my energy for this matter.

And I feel bad, because someone else was not in this process for as log, because I made my best to keep them safe and comfortable, even when they didn't do the same to me and it was a great struggle. Now somebody who feels good in the situation sits there and doesn't understand why I am so far along that I don't see any hope anymore.

It's such a cruel feeling, like a betrayal (even though there were no impure intentions in any situation), that someone else made me see what I am missing - the emotional depth, the optimism, the mindfulness to details and a more romantic outlook. Somebody saw me and praised me out loud and found me interesting to talk to and feel with and it broke my heart.

Have I really made such a bad choice? Have I really gone wading through the waters so far I lost the sight of land?

I think it could partially be my drive to want something I can't have, but I can recall clearly how he did these things for me -did he realise that he can't go on doing these things (that he turns out to hate so much) forever? He won't admit to any of that, so all I can do is stay in the dark and wonder.

He turned it all around against me and I get such headaches when we argue that I just drop my head and give up on any explanations. I used to care so much about what he thinks about me that my heart would hurt.

He also said that he wouldn't let me leave with the cats, even though he said it clearly many times that he regrets having them and taking care of them alone would be too much, so I should take them. I guess it makes me sad, but it's also one less thing to worry about if I move abroad, so maybe that's a good thing.

We're also not splitting up, so no need to think about that.

I know that it sounds like I already made up my mind, but I cry like a baby everytime I say even a word about not being with him. I have to remember that I'm a runner sometimes - and there's a lot to be deeply hurt about here so I have to stop myself and force my fighter mode on again.

I feel tangled and helpless again, like I can't breath, and no amounts of self care and talking to anyone helps.

You took my sadness out of context At the Mariners Apartment Complex I ain't no candle in the wind

Kind Regards,

Kalina