#and all you want to do is scream and tape their big mouth shut y'know

[deadpoets]

10 and 40 for spotify wrapped <3

10. waltz #2 by elliott smith "i'm never gonna know you now/but i'm gonna love you anyhow"

40. STFU! by rina sawayama "how come you don't expect me/to get mad when i'm angry?"

[cottoncandy-jester]

Lie down darling it's time for a dream

Bakusquad with a bara crybaby S/O

You may ask yourself"proxy what's this?!"

To answer youe question I have no idea I just want to indulge okay?!

Plus come on, a big buff reader being a bottom for their shorter lover is just amazing how could I not?!

Katsuki bakugo

Honestly he was the reason you cried the first time you guys met

He finds you to be both annoying and adorable

The way you hide behind him though despite you being taller makes his ego puff up

He is very soft around you and tries not to make you cry but sometimes he cant help himself

If he's the one who made you cry he was just aggressively kiss you while mentally screaming at himself for being so dumb

Anyone who makes you cry is dying

Even if you flinch cause of someone they are dying

Your soft behavior calms him down though if he's amped up though

Your tallness does irritate him though like who TF said you could be tall!

Is constantly yanking you down to kiss you

If anyone teases him about being the shorter one he goes boom

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST CAUSE IM SHORTER DOESNT MEAN SHIT"

Let's everyone know that he's top dog between you two by biting your neck everytime you make out so others could see it

Speaking of make outs..when you cry during making out it makes him FERAL!

"look at the little baby, you're crying cause it feels so good eh? You want more kisses? Heh. Whatever"

You sniffle softly as bakugo run his fingers through your hair while straddling your waist. Today was a hard day during class and thw stress made you break down, you had to fight against bakugo and of course you going easy on him pissed him off so he snapped at you.

The two of you now sat in the dorm lounge while bakugo tried to stop your blubbering by kissing your tears away. A feeling of guilt weighted his chest down as he petted your hair and let you nuzzle your face in his chest if you wanted.

"come on [y/n] I said I was sorry, I didn't fucking mean it..so stop. I love you"

His soft whispers in your ear made you start to settle down and he smiled at the soft kisses he felt against his chest and neck. He simply sighs softly before picking his head up only to see deku and mina staring at the two of you with a crazy look. Bakugo growled loudly but looked at you before holding his anger since he didn't want you to cry again.. he'll kill them later for now you were the most important thing on his mind.

Eijirou Kirishima

This boy is crazy about you!

Like you are perfect in his eyes and he is constantly praising you til you are super red

He liked your height cause it's fun to hug you from behind or compare hand sizes

He gets pouty when he tries to kiss you but you are too tall like lean down so he can kiss your perfect face

He finds your fragile behavior super cute like you're shyness makes him smile

He will punch anyone who makes you cry like he almost got into a fight with bakugo when he made you cry

He gets annoyed if anyone calls you scary looking or asks if you're some delinquent cause you're tall

"please don't talk about him that way! He's really sweet and that is gonna hurt his feelings!"

Honestly cuddles for days

Your chest make him drool

If your hero costume has any part of your chest or even shirtless he is gonna stare

Work out dates together are to be expected

Seeing you get fit makes his knees weak

"i-i can't do sit up when y-you kiss me like that"

Your shaky voice made the redhead hold back a laugh as he sat infront of you holding your feet. He kissed you everytime you came up and after ten of those you were flustered and too shy to go on. Kirishima found your behavior so adorable that he just couldn't help but wrap his arms around you and kiss your cheek

"can't help it! My manly man is just so cute!"

You whined softly at his praise before you found yourself shyly nuzzling your face in the male's neck

"kiriii~ you're embarrassing me"

"oh? Can you not handle my compliments? What if I call you manly and handsome? What about cute oh and sweet! Not to mention you are just perfect..so perfect"

The praise was too much for you and you started to feel dizzy. You fell limp in the male's arms which made him panic so he pulled your face back from his neck to look at you only to see you were all red and freaking out

"k-kiri..called..me.. perfect-"

Your muttering made Kirishima laugh nervously before he kissed your head softly.

"okay tall guy let's cool you off before you explode"

Denki kaminari

If you thought Kirishima was bad with the praise denki is worse!

All his pervy energy is poured onto you and you can't handle it

Like constant praise and affection

Also..chest...man boobies is his weakness

His face is in-between your chest 90% of the time when you're together

Not only that but constant groping your chest

"[y/n]..your chest is like a girl but better! Sooo soft!"

As far as your crying he is the one to make you laugh when you're stressed or panicked

Will get hella pissed if someone were to make you cry

If he catches you crying best believe is will smother you with kisses and love to the point where you are flustered and laughing

As far as your height he is totally jumping on your back or asking if you can pick him up every once in a while

Will brag about you to everyone..like everyone

"[y/n] is so cool! They are so strong! plus their muscles are so sexy!"

Will say pervy this about tour chest to other people as well..like he has no shame!

"heh. During training his hero outfit ripped and i saw his yummy boobs!"

"y'know [y/n] is a dude rig-"

"gahhh! I'm so lucky! His cup size is like triple some of the girl sizes!"

You let out a shaky sigh as you heard a muffled groan from the male sitting in your lap with his face buried in your chest, well at least he was alive.

You were on your bed playing animal crossing while denki had his head buried in your shirtless chest. He requested you to be shirtless and you agreed since he's seen your shirtless before but this was getting kinda worrying

"h-hey denki, are you okay? You've been pressed against my chest like this for an hour..can you breathe?"

When you got no response you panicked before pulling denki back slightly only to see his face which was filled with bliss and joy, his eyes sparkled and his face flustered with the lack of air while blood dripped down his nose

"you're bleeding!"

You felt tears brim in your eyes as you tried to move to get a towel but denki simply latched onto you and nuzzled his face into your chest.

"I'm fine! I just- really like your warm chest"

You shivered lightly when denki gazed up at you with a sly grin

"you are too cute I can't help but cling to you like this y'know? My cute guy with such a cute body"

Before you could speak you winced at the feeling of a bite on your nipple

"d-denki!!"

"heh oops-"

Sero hanta

TEACH HIM YOUR WAYS

he wants to know how you got so big and buff like huh?!

Honestly when you two first met he was scared of you

Now he just loves you lots and lots!

He isn't about huge PDA like denki and Kirishima but he will hold your hand and even kiss it from time to time

Best believe he will tape someone's mouth shut if they make you cry

He finds your fragile behavior really cute and you have gained the nickname bunny cause of it

He loves touching your muscles and just cuddling with you

If he's the reason you ever cry expect him to do everything in his power to cheer you up

Sero looked at your weeping form curling up in the bed, you two got into a simple argument that left you in tears. He can't even remember what you two were fighting over but it was all stupid now, the male gulped thickly as he reached out and touched your hair before crawling up next to you so he could see your crying face.

"hey..bunny, look at me babe"

With a slight hesitance you faced him and felt him a kiss your tears away while holding tour hand tightly in his

"whose the best boyfriend in the world?"

You didn't speak but only whined lowly as soft sniffles escaped you but you were starting to smile so that was good. Sero simply kissed along your cheek and your lips very softly

"come on, who is it?"

"m-me.."

"yeah it's you, I'm sorry"

His voice sounded shaky as you two locked eyes before you hug sero close and mumbled out a soft I love you which he returned before you two cuddle close enjoying the other's warmth.

Mina ashido

Soft boy lover #1

Like she is so in love with how soft you are it's ridiculous

She adores hugging you and clinging onto you even if it makes you super flustered

She likes showing you off and bragging about you whenever she can

"[y/n] is so cute when he gets all flustered! He is just the cutest thing ever!"

Please let her give you many kisses

Will go protective mode if she sees you crying

"who did it! I'll fight them! No one makes my cutie cry!"

She wants to train with you as much as she can cause you are strong and she wants to get stronger

Loves to sit in your lap all the time

You have a bad habit of looming over her when you want something and it scares everyone

They don't know if you wanna kiss her of kill her

You found yourself standing over the girl while she was innocently chatting with jirou, you were as quiet as a mouse so she didn't notice you but it was clear you wanted something. You really wanted attention but wasn't sure how to get Mina's attention

Would it be rude if you were to hug her from behind? What about if you tao her shoulder to gain her attention? You stood there thinking but to anyone else you looked absolutely bloodthirsty.

"uh- hey mina, I think your boyfriend doesn't like me talking to you..so creepy"

You snapped out if it and winced at the insult, creepy?

You let out a hush sniffle as mins turned to face you only to wrap her arms around you and hug you tightly, she noticed your tears and shot jirou a quick glare if annoyance.

"a-am I creepy, mina?"

"oh, sweetie no! Of course not! You're my teddy bear, lean down"

You did as she said and leaned down before feeling her grab your face and cover it with kisses upon kisses. You felt your face flush as you whined lowly

"minaaa p-people are staring!"

"let them stare! They can all see how much i love you!"

You hugged the girl close as she kissed your face and you shyly returned the attention though you felt like dying from how flustered it made you.

[sickkillerzach]

All Good Things Must Come To An End

A Modern Family Fanfic

It was 9:30 PM on a Wednesday. Gloria was just sitting on the couch watching TV with Jay. Life was normal; life was great. The TV had football on.

"Let's Go! C'mon!" Jay yelled while crushing the can of beer he had in his hand. The beer went flying all over the room.

"Goddamnit, why cant you just kick it correctly, you dumb motherfucker!" He profanely exclaimed.

"Jay, quiet it down a little, Joe is sleeping," Gloria told him.

The game was at 15-25. She could tell Jay was starting to get very angry quickly. She decided to get something from the fridge.

I might have to get something alcoholic myself if he doesn't stop shouting, Gloria thought.

Later that night, after all the drama with the football game, Jay fell asleep on the couch.

Finally, some time to myself, Gloria thought to herself.

She went upstairs to the bedroom, and grabbed the book she was in the middle of reading. It was Percy Jackson: The Sea of Monsters. As she started to read it, she also started to drift off to sleep. The book, falling out of her hands, dropped to the floor, closing itself up.

The next morning, she awoke to Jay shouting outside.

"C'mon...start, motherfucker!"

Gloria looked out the bedroom window, seeing him attempting to start the car.

"Why don't you just START?!" He quickly got angry.

"He really needs to stop getting as angry as he is; at his age, he might start developing high blood pressure," she said to herself quietly.

She went to the bathroom, and then walked outside to go assist her husband.

"Jay, what's the matter?"

"This car won't just FUCKING START!" He screamed so loud, Gloria could hear the echo in the sky.

"What can I do to help?" Gloria asked.

"There's nothing you can do. I just need you to call Mitch and Cam."

"They're out of town for the week" she told him.

"Oh, that's right. Well, why don't you call Phil; he's good at this kind of stuff," he responded.

Oh boy, the Dunphy's, she thought to herself. That family REALLY doesn't like me. It's bad enough Mitch and Cam think I'm a psychopath, but this family really doesn't like me... but it's for Jay.

As she walked to the landline nervously, she dialed the number. No response.

As she walked towards Jay, he immediately followed up with, "What'd they say?"

"They didn't pick up the phone,"

"Oh, of course, the time I need them most," Jay responded with a rather angry tone.

Later that afternoon, she tried to call again. Still nothing.

What the hell is going on? Gloria thought.

She was getting quite worried. But why? Her and the Dunphy's hate each other. Why would she be worried about them? Is it because of Jay? She was both confused and concerned. She dialed again. And again. And again.

"Gloria, they're not gonna answer, so just stop dialing," Jay called to her.

She didn't respond to him, and instead, turned the other way. She kept hearing something inside of her... a voice telling her, "Get your gun and get the fuck to their house."

She then went up the stairs and got the gun. She was equipped with a p99 with a bunch of magazines in her purse.

"Gloria, what the fuck is all this?" Jay asked, sounding very shocked.

"I gotta check on them. It's been six hours: something is obviously terribly wrong," she replied.

"But you don't even like each other!" He said.

She didn't have a response to that. Instead, she walked out the door. She called a taxi and told the driver the address, hiding all the ammo and the gun in her purse. When she got to the Dunphy's house, she made sure the driver went away, and then started looking through the window.

Nobody was home.

"Well, that explains everything," she said to herself.

She was startled by a scream.

"No, stop! LET ME GO, GODDAMNIT!"

It sounded like it came from a female, but she knew that some males sounded feminine. She started to notice that the door was barricaded shut.

Why would they do that? She asked in her head.

Jay started to call her phone. She declined the call and put her cell phone on silent. The voice that told her to pick up the gun came back to tell her to try to get into the house.

She attempted to bust open the door, but nothing happened. She tried the window. It eventually cracked open. She started to crawl in. She was worried that Claire, or someone else, was going to walk out with a shotgun and kill her, but nonetheless, her curiosity won against her worries and fears.

She started to approach the stairs, with her gun in her hand.

"Gloria, what are you doing here?" A young girl's voice spoke up from behind her.

Gloria turned quickly, panicking silently. She couldn't believe her eyes!

It was Haley.

Gloria hated her. She was the most selfish person she ever had the displeasure to meet.

"Oh, I just... uh-" she stuttered.

"Oh, you're here to help me kill my mom, aren't you? Oh, good! You're just the person I need for this," Haley said eagerly.

Gloria immediately knew all her bad feelings were correct, and she needed to play along in order for everyone, or at least, mostly everyone, to survive.

"Oh, yeah that's exactly what I came for!" Gloria replied nervously. She couldn't believe this was the truth as to why nobody answered the phone.

"Well, come on, she's right down here!"

Haley led Gloria to the basement. She saw Claire tied up, and she was absolutely horrified with her step-grandaughter. Claire was wrapped in rope and screamed under the piece of tape keeping her mouth shut.

"Gloria! Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing here?!" Claire cried. But to Gloria it only sounded like, "Mphm mphm!"

"This is exactly what you wanted, right Gloria? Your arch nemesis tied up, and we're gonna kill her... together!"

Gloria responded with, "Why exactly are you doing this?" Her accent faded out, as her voice cracked and she shook in fear and horror.

"Well, two things: One, I need to harvest her kidneys for money so me and Dylan can get some goods, and I thought while I'm in the process of getting them, I might as well harvest the kidneys of someone my best friend hates! This is all you ever wanted, right?"

Gloria hated the fact she said that.

"No," she responded quietly.

"No? But this is your enemy we're talking about here!" Haley responded.

"Y'know, just because Claire and I do not get along, does NOT mean I would EVER want this!" She shouted back, her accent kicking back in. "And for you to say we're 'best friends...'" She put up air quotes at the end of the sentence. "It sickens me who you are, Haley Dunphy."

"But we're best friends... you told me that!" Haley said, very shocked and hurt.

"Well I LIED. I was only using you for my benefit. You are the most selfish person I have ever met! I would never be friends with someone like you."

Haley, seeming very surprised, pulled put her 12 gauge and aimed it at her mother.

"Oh, is that so? Well, guess your so called best buddy is gonna have to go then, along with you."

Gloria pulled out the gun she brought with her. "I dont think so. That's not going to happen."

As Gloria aimed the handgun, with her heart pounding right up against her chest, she prepared to pull the pull the trigger. She couldn't believe what she was gonna do. She was going to kill a member of her family! But she knew it was necessary. It's for the safety of the rest of her family. It must be done.

Is this the right thing to do? She thought.

"Oh, nice Gloria! First you betray me, then you do this? You're a real good person, aren't you? You get to break into this house and wave your gun around, huh? Drop the goddamn gun!" Haley shouted out.

Haley aimed her gun right at Claire's temple. Gloria put down the gun as a last resort to make sure she didn't get Claire killed.

"That's right. Now, get on your knees, now." Haley said, more calm.

She aimed the 12 gauge at Gloria's chest now, preparing to shoot.

"Well Gloria, it could've been Claire only, but now its gotta be the both of you," Haley said. "This wouldn't have happened if you just minded your own damn business."

"Claire's safety IS my business," Gloria shot back.

Haley chuckled. "But yet you hate that woman, and you CARE about her? Now that's just hilarious."

Gloria noticed how Claire looked concerned about Gloria. "I don't hate her; she hates me. She thinks what I do is bad, and that is debatable. But even after all this, even though I've tried to get back at her, I would NEVER want this to happen."

"Well, isn't that just touching... but that doesn't change a thing..." Haley leaned the shotgun further into her step-grandmother's chest. Gloria's heart was pounding so hard, Haley could feel the vibration coming from the shotgun barrel...

An idea occured to Gloria.

"Look over there!" She cried, pointing to a corner of the room.

"What?" Haley turned to look.

Taking advantage of her destraction, Gloria knocked the shotgun out of her hands and threw a series of punches at Haley, disarming her completely. She crawled to the shotgun, her hands just on it... but Gloria had just grabbed her P99 and pulled the trigger at Haley's head.

She was dead.

Claire screamed under the tape. Gloria untied her and ripped the tape off her mouth.

"Claire, I'm so sorry you had to witness that. You shouldn't have had to witness your daughter die in front of your eyes, but you're safe now," Gloria said sympathetically. She then gave Claire a big hug. "I know you hate me, but I would never ask for this."

"No, I don't hate you Gloria..." Claire managed to say with a shaky voice. "I understand your point of view now. You're not a gold digger... you're just a mother trying to protect your kids and family. And the fact you saved my life proved that to me... thank you..." After these words left her mouth, she was left shaking and crying.

"We'll call Phil, Alex, and Luke, tell them everything, and then we'll call the police. The four of you can stay with us." Gloria said softly.

Claire nodded, and the two walked up the stairs holding onto each other.

[jheaton416]

Ace and Sep’s Greatest Hits

With Sad Hands and heavy hearts we bid farewell to Ace and Sep's Buffy recaps...  

"I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now." Just then the Hubris Police step in in the form of Rupert Giles and throw a bolt of green energy at Willow, knocking her clear across the room. "I'd like to test that theory," says Giles, all tall and authoritative. Oh, Giles! Hi! I missed you so much this season! We have so much catching up to do! Let's see. I just finished my finals, and I think I did rather well. And I met a very nice boy who just happens to live in England, so when I'm over there this summer, if you wanna hang out or something just let me know. I gotta hand this over to Ace now, but... call me!

Sep, "Two to Go"

Sep: So there I was. At Trader Joe's, and boom. No Booty to be had. And you know my dedication to all things snack.  Ace: I feel your pain. The other night I was at TJ's and they had all these different kinds of Booty from Fruit Booty to Vegetable Booty, but not the Booty that I wanted.  Sep: Yargh. That blows.  Ace: Snerk. So anyway. Ash asked me if I wanted to get one of the other varieties, but I just felt that if I couldn't have the Booty that I wanted, it was better to have no Booty at all.  Sep: Dude. That's deep. And also would have saved me much pain and humiliation in my early twenties.  

There are tiny colonies of single-celled life at the bottom of deep fissures in the sea using their cilia to tell each other, "Buffy used Spike." Can we please move on?

Sep, "Never Leave Me"  

Ecch, I hear a noise like forty cats being squeezed too hard around their middles. Turns out it's Cordelia singing "The Greatest Love of All."

- Ace, "The Puppet Show"  

i dont have time to read all theze post but did u hear what happens in the finale? every vamp and demon that buffy has ever kiled is rezrected and they all sing at spike and angles WEDDING!!!! OMG!!! laterz Sep (Go on. Ban me. I dare you.)

Sep, in the forums  

Aw, Willow is wearing shorts and showing more Willow-leg than I believe we've ever seen. What a cutie. ... Giles finally pipes up that he's sorry he missed the encounter, but he actually sounds like he's sorry these damn kids won't leave him alone so he can pour himself a nice single-malt Scotch and watch that Letty The Lusty Librarian tape he has hidden in his nightstand. ... Dracula wears a sweater vest? Well, I guess that answers the age-old question: "What does Dracula wear under his cape?" Or was that Scotsmen? Who does he think he is anyway, Chandler Bing? ... I would like to point out that Spacky is wearing more eye makeup than the entire female cast combined.

Ace, "Buffy vs. Dracula"  

Credits. Who does James Marsters have to sleep with to be billed before Michelle Trachtenberg and Emma Caulfield? Ooh! Please let it be me. C'mon, if y'all give me James I won't ask for anything else for my birthday or Christmas. What? It worked when I was ten. ... Look! Xander is using a skill! Effectively! As he's building shelves for Giles, I notice that he's attired in jeans and a plain long-sleeved shirt. It looks like after his other half fell into the Gap, he managed to climb out with a basic grasp on the matching theory.

Sep, "Out of My Mind"  

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I love the 'Bot; I really, really do. She's so cute and happy and chirpy and I just know reanimated Buffy is going to be an angst-y pained ball of angst just like she was all last season, and sometimes I wish we could just replace her with the robot permanently. Especially if she keeps making jokes about marzipan.

Ace, "Bargaining I"  

Damn, Marc Blucas makes James Marsters look like a tiny, tiny man. After last week's showcase it's sad, but also amusing, to see Spike reduced to an elfin laundry-stalker.

Sep, "Shadow"  

WARNING: Contents may have shifted during shipping. Oops, that's the wrong warning. The warning is this: This recap contains opinions.

Ace, "Tabula Rasa"  

Evil Dead eh? I'm just going to take that as a shout-out to me and my Evil Dead t-shirt that I ordered out of the Fangoria (shut up) catalog twelve years ago and have been wearing consistently ever since. David Fury must have seen me in it or something. ... Buffy notices Ben sitting somewhere else and goes over to talk to him. Oh GREAT. You know how, whenever there's an outbreak of some sort of nasty infectious disease, during the news reports they often retrace the path of the virus on a map? Well, that's what my mind is doing with Ben right about now. First I only had to live in fear during the hospital scenes. But then he leached into the hospital parking lot. And now that he's just showing up at the Bronze all willy-nilly, he could just ooze on down the road anywhere his little slime trail will take him. Curses. Greasy Intern Ben is spreading. I wonder what his vector of infection is?

Sep, "Crush"  

Tough Love - Or, "The Unedited Buffy You Never Wanted To See." Buffy routes paperwork. Buffy repairs an appliance. Buffy folds laundry. Buffy goes to a parent-teacher conference. Dawn does homework. Dawn does homework some more. Glory practices personal hygiene. The recapper props her eyelids open with spork tines. To spice things up a little, Giles goes all Ripper, Tara goes all Forrest Gump, and Willow goes all Fairuza Balk. The recapper falls asleep and drools on her cat.

Ace, "Tough Love" recaplet  

Spike stumbles, bloody, bruised, and wild-eyed, down the hall to the elevator, and if I weren't a fan of this show and were just flipping by I might think it was a clip from a Behind the Music on Billy Idol.

Sep, "Intervention"  

...Marci needs to find "the key."  ...Darcy or Shannon or whatever her name is  ...Sheila or Lisa or whoever 

Sep describing Glory before her name was revealed, "Family"  

...the guy, who I've decided to call Gee Dub McChoad for no reason whatsoever...

Sep describing Tara's brother, "Family"  

Willow screams, 'Noooooooo,' and a rippling force shoots out of her mouth and zaps Osiris, who vanishes. Oh, the heartbreak of halitosis!

Ace, "Villains"  

My roommate brought home a big pile of Marshmallow Peeps from a post-Easter sale. I took one look at them and screeched, "Peeps show!" before grabbing one, winging it into the microwave, and making "Bamp-chicka-bow-wow" noises while watching the Peep swell and undulate in the microwave. Try it. It's fun. Also, I have in my notes from the first airing of this episode, "Dawn no like monkey-brain marshmallows." I think I'll just leave that in. You'll either find it as amusing as I do or marvel at my illiteracy.

Sep, "Conversations With Dead People"  

Willow incants more at the effigy (who looks like she's ready for a doctor to check her tonsils) and then sends green energy blobs shooting out of her breasts towards Santa's Phallus. It's a lesbian thing -- you wouldn't understand.

Ace, "Grave"  

Cut to Xander chaining Spike up in the basement of Casa Summers. Dawn, Buffy, Wood, Giles, Willow, the UN Security council, three random passersby, and a small hedgehog are all in attendance. Okay, not really, but seriously. The number of people present for this is way unnecessary. Giles, Willow and Buffy will perform the spell. Xander, Dawn and Wood will distribute small snacks and throw Jujubes at Spike's head. ... Spike's mum tells him that he "needs a woman in [his] life." He replies that he does have a woman in his life. She is momentarily taken in, but then realizes that William has some really serious Oedipal issues. Victorian etiquette dictates that it would be in poor taste to mention this, so she pretends to be flattered. He promises to always look after her, but she has a coughing fit, hoping to die and escape her creepy son. Knowing that Spike's women-paragon obsession thing in which he defines himself and his moral center by the dominant female figure in his life started back when Spike was human, and has continued until the present day, really makes me realize how pathetic a creature he truly is. You'd think that after the first hundred years he might have self-actualized or something.

Sep, "Lies My Parents Told Me"  

Let me amend that. It's a long, thick, snake-like demon with a head shaped just like a penis, that squeals at Buffy and then sprays liquid out of its mouth and onto her. Just think about that for a minute.

Ace, "Doublemeat Palace"  

At the Pub the Chuckleheads are sitting around a table strewn with empty beer pitchers, randomly slapping and picking nits off of each other. One of them is trying to remove his shirt but gets his head stuck in it. I can sympathize with him. I've done that -- sober.

Sep, "Beer Bad"  

Rack is creepy. Then about ten more anvils crash into my room, followed by a minor deluge of cow pies as we launch into a trippy-druggy sequence the likes of which has not been seen since The Trip and Psych-Out.

Ace, "Wrecked"  

Willow is wearing what Ace called a poncho, but I think looks more like a tube with no armholes. If anyone remembers the commercial for the plastic device that enabled you to turn a crank and produce miles upon miles of useful and fashionable yarn tubing, well, it looks like that. Either that, or Willow took up knitting but hasn't figured out the secret to sleeves yet. Patrolling against vampires and other night-haunting demons with your arms bound to your sides by an acrylic strait-jacket doesn't seem like a wise move, but what do I know about fashion? Oh, that's right -- a lot more than Willow, obviously.

Sep, "Something Blue"  

Suddenly, my TV screen fills up with a bunch of monkeys, all dressed up in platform sandals, cunning frocks, feather boas, and mascara. They form a menacing circle around Dawn. I think they're all guy monkeys, but y'know, it's a little hard to tell with the simians.

Ace, "Potential"  

It's Cruella D'Will. Heh. That's why she flayed Warren last week. She's making a coat out of him. Man, how much cooler would this episode be if Willow pranced around singing, 'See my vest! See my vest! It was once Warren's chest!' ... This is a test of the Emergency Snorecast System. Everything operational.

Sep, "Two to Go"  

Sunny Valley, Arizona Ace, a beautiful, brainy, and brilliant recapper for TWoP, that world-famous website and recipient of three Nobel Prizes for Internet Criticism, piloted her pink bubble-shaped hovercraft to the landing strip on the roof of her lux penthouse apartment. Slim and clad entirely in her everyday garb of form-fitting leather, she headed quickly to her Operations Control room, stopping only to scratch the chin of her almost-sentient leopard, Francesca. "Follow me, little one," Ace purred to her feline companion, "for tonight we view a new Buffy!" In Operations Control, Ace flung her shapely form onto the low designer sofa and thumbed the remote to her wall-sized liquid television. As the episode progressed, Francesca began to pace the room in agitation, for she had never before seen her merry human companion in such distress. Ace's perfectly manicured nails caressed her flawless face as she murmured, "How will I recap an episode so sorely lacking in plot? An episode that consists mostly of Andrew's fantasies and stolen videotaped vignettes of the Scooby gang? Without a narrative structure to follow, at what point should I mention the disturbing basement sex of the un-reunited Xander and Anya, or the empty and unsatisfying riot occurring at Sunnydale High?" Finally, Ace knelt, and attractively wept into the silken tawny fur of Francesca, "I face my greatest challenge ever! Just as the tears of repentant Andrew closed the Seal of Danzig in the school basement forever, so do my hot tears of rage seal my unrepentant loathing of this season!" Los Angeles, CA The evil genius Jane Espenson cackled evilly as she polished her six-inch chrome stilettos and flipped her shiny titian hair. Whirling menacingly in her secret headquarters beneath Reseda, she flipped open her tiny red Mobicom and hit speed-dial. Upon hearing a voice on the other end of the line, Jane leered and snapped out, "Hello, Joss? I think we've broken Ace already. The tears are the beginning of the end. That'll teach her to complain about Andrew's poor grasp on reality!"

Ace, "Storyteller" recaplet  

The Knights are gonna get the Key, toniiiight! The Scoobies drive a big RV, toniiiight! This year, the minutes seemed like hours The arc progressed so slowly And still no end in siiiight!

Sep, "Spiral" recaplet  

Xander gets snide about what a "simple" decision this must be for Buffy and then leaps up, snarling, "You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area." Hee -- go Xander! I'm not really taking sides in this argument because I think both Buffy and Xander are both right and wrong here, but I really think it needed to be said that Buffy totally put aside all her Slayer standards in order ride Spike's man-pole, and she's never really admitted that to or faced it as far as I can tell. She's mumbled about how it was bad for her, but never seemed to realize what a betrayal of her calling it was. Buffy wins The Lame Comeback Of The Century Award when her only reply is that Spike is "harmless." Harmless except for the whole part where he could and did harm you, Buffy. Nice self-preservation instincts there, honey. Let's kill Anya because she could hurt men. Let's not kill Spike because he can only hurt Buffy. Uh, where was I?

Ace, "Selfless"  

This whole Spike with Buffy thing? My fault. When Angel was on the show, I hated every second of him and his dazed "you can tell I have a soul because I look like I just walked into a tree" method of acting. (Angelus was a different story. A cooler story that didn't spend so much time whining and moping.) Then, when he left, it was like light pouring in through the heavens. I was excited. Happy. I had a new lease on life. I thought, "No matter what, Buffy's next boyfriend won't be so bad." Enter Riley. Riley with his potato nose, thinly-veiled chauvinism, and women issues. And so it was, until it came to pass that Riley endeth. And lo! Happiness reigned far and wide across the land (defined as my apartment), there was much rejoicing, and it was good. Again, I foolishly allowed myself to be confident that this had been the worst. Surely Buffy's next boyfriend...

Sep, "Two to Go"  

ASH is really giving a killer performance here. I wonder how many takes it took for him to stop laughing. His singing sounds very soulful and I'm convinced it's his own voice, just very badly synched. Maybe the sound crew had to work overtime on all the Buffy/Riley moaning and ran out of time for the important things. Bad prioritization, guys. For a whole week following this episode, my poor cat is tortured by me following her around the house and bellowing, "No ooooone knows what it's liiiiike/Toooooo be the baaaad cat/Tooooo be the saaaad cat/Behind blue eeeeeyeees." I swear, one of these days she's going to lose her patience, pack her little kitty suitcase and leave. Well, at least I don't make her watch The Others with me anymore.

Ace, "Where the Wild Things Are"  

Luke is chanting, "The Sleeper will wake and the world will bleed. Amen!" Because vampires are such religious creatures. Don't you remember that one heartwarming episode they had when they showed them all going to church? Sure, they wanted to eat the rest of the congregation, but as long as they're worshipping in Glen Oak with the Camdens I really don't have a problem with that.

Sep, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"  

D'Hoffryn introduced himself, and Aud replies, "I am Aud." Hee. That's a funny pun. You know that saying that goes, "Puns are the lowest form of humor"? That always confused me. I mean, I wondered who decided that, and what the highest form of humor was, and why the phrase always seemed to be uttered only by the very humorless, who wouldn't seem qualified to judge. Anyway, this is 2002, and the saying is obviously obsolete. It comes from an older era. An era before the fart joke. Fart jokes are quite clearly the lowest form of humor, and I suggest that we petition the correct powers that be to have the saying updated for modern times. ["The lowest, and yet consistently the most reliable. Hee. Farts." -- Sars]

Ace, "Selfless"  

Willow and Buffy walk up the steps to school, and Xander catches up with them. I'm sorry that I can't recap their conversation, but I'm sure you'll understand once I tell you about Xander's red and moldy green-gray sweater paired with brown and yellow plaid pants. As if that combination wasn't horrific enough on its own, Willow is wearing an orange and yellow striped fleece shirt. It's at times like this that I wish I were blind -- just like the wardrobe people.

Sep, "Passion"  

Ace: "I don't know why Buffy was all surprised when Spike tried to kiss her. That's what you do at the end of a date and drinking, dinner, and pool all add up to a date." Sep: "It totally was a date. My last date ended exactly the same way. Someone threw a wad of cash at someone else, the words, 'You're beneath me' were uttered, and one of us was left crying alone in an alley." Ace: "You've got to be kidding me." Sep: "Actually I am. My last date ended with me threatening my beau with a spork."

Ace and Sep, "Fool for Love"