#and all the fucking ubers bc i cant drive and my mom's fucked off for a year and my brother's always working

[heyitsphoenixx]

.

[milkinghomelander]

so, i need to get my life together. im drowning really, really bad. deep. im behind as fuck on bills, like 2k maybe bc my car payment is ASS. theyre asking for my insurance card proof and im currently behind on that payment too. my iphone fell in the toilet and broke and my mom just shelled out $200 to get it fixed and my phone bill is behind $350 and probably gonna be shut off service anyway when i get the phone on tmw. i dont have a job currently bc im a piece of shit with high standards such as pls dont schedule me 6 days a week or not tell me my schedule. i have an interview at my dream location (customer service at a well known aquarium) that i need to grab and hold onto. i need to try to drive ubereats to catch up on all this shit between working if i get that job (45 min commute). that interview is thursday. i had a job lined up just in case but my phone broke and i couldnt complete my task as my computer had to be fixed, too, and wasn't yet. the person who hired me isnt responding to my emails now. the only options i have are donating plasma but i owe ppl money bc im a dumbass who cant stop smoking weed and i need gas so that doesnt help much. i need the phone service to uber at all and the insurance to feel comfortable. right now all i can do is clean my house so i at least feel better about that part. it sucks not being able to talk to my bf all day. he works like 11 hrs and im hilariously codependent. god god god

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I���m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[psyduc]

obligatory "i hope read more works" line

my coworker has the day off tomorrow for some lowkey emergency dental surgery which is fine

except two of the tires on our car are currently spares and are on their last legs already, so i wont be able to get a ride to and from work tomorrow from my mom because we have no money to replace the tires

(her social security check should be coming in on monday so we can get better ones then but tht. doesnt help w tomorrow)

there no public transportation that would take me to work- and even then, i dont have money for it. cant take an uber or taxi bc again i have no money

the only family we're on speaking terms with lives in boston, and theres only one friend who might be able to drive me tomorrow but thats not a guarantee

and since its just me + coworker at the office, if im not there, n o t h i n g will get done

and like i get it, shit happens- except this shit already happened like a few months ago? in july?? we had issues w the transmission and we had a similar car issue in september when my coworker was on vacation and idk i like. dont know if i should tell the truth to my boss bc explaining the tire situation would be?? weird???? like it makes me look real bad that i dont have reliable tranportation without my coworker

so im probably gonna have to come up w some bullshit family excuse as to why i cant work tomorrow and just stress out all day, knowing my coworker is probably gonna be pissed at me on monday, even tho theres nothing i can do bc i have literally 83 fucking cents in my bank account ahhhahahahah fuck me

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE

[infiniteuncertainty]

y

I feel like I am constantly running around constantly under pressure and constantly feeling useless. I believe I am frustrated and irritated beyond belief with my life. I think I have finally realized that I am not always happy and granted that’s ok - nobody in life is perfectly happy 100% of the time but lately I get into these funks where I just wish I could run away or be alone or start over or just be with a friend. I wish it were as simple as it used to be - to make plans with a friend. I can’t seem to do that much anymore. The fact that my mom is going through hell practically and my dog is slowly withering away - fuck this sounds depressing but this is how my life has been lately. Stressful, upsetting, and yet somehow busy. I remember when there were times I’d be home alone like I am now and I would just lay on the floor next to my dog or just pet her and hug her and play but she has grown old and lost her mobility. Basically, it’s up to us when to decide that she has to leave. Which if you’ve had to do this I’m sure you know how shitty it feels to have to make that decision. It really fucking sucks. Abby was truthfully my first pet but I knew she wasn’t going to make it much longer. The poor ol’ girl is 15 and I mean she had a surgery on her spine when she was like 7? It sucks so much because on the outside besides the mobility I mean she still will catch a toy for a little bit and thank god she still eats and drinks - but when she can’t get up to walk let alone stand for very long it just has to be miserable for her I’m sure. On top of all of this, my mom ha been having a hard time with her chemo, I believe they’ve changed her drugs like 4 times or so? She keeps getting reactions or bad side effects. Plus she’s lost most of her hair now and absolutely hates it. She hates the way she looks and is totally self-conscious about it all, no matter how many times I tell her how pretty she is, she could care less. I completely understand because I too am not happy with my own body so I’m sure if that were me I would be a complete mess and so that being said it sucks to feel completely useless in those times when she’s so upset. It breaks my heart but I hope this new drug they are putting her on goes smoothly. People literally call it the red devil - like wtf as if that’ not scary enough - it has a 2% risk of developing heart issues or leukemia over time. So she’s incredibly nervous and all I can do is wish and pray the best for her. 

Talking about all of this reminds me of how much people don’t understand what it’s like to go through any of this (unless they have experienced it). Becoming diagnosed with something like stage 1 breast cancer completely flips your world upside down. Of course it takes a toll on you physically but I dont think people realize it does just as much damage mentally - which obviously the person going through this suffers the most but it’s not like their loved ones are perfectly fine either! and I guess this has been eating away at me this entire time since she was diagnosed back in October. I’m not trying to play the pity card or ask for a pity party or whatever but there are very few people in my life that I call my friends that have truthfully asked me about how my mom is doing. And when I sit back and realize this - I imagine how if this were the other way around and it was my friend's mom I know for a fact I would be there for them and talk to them more than most have bothered for me. Now don’t get me wrong - there are a select few, like literally I could count on one hand, that have and I thank god that they exist or I would probably feel like complete shit 24/7. It just hurts. It hurts to know that because I had finally put my foot down and told myself to stop being that person that always reaches out because ya know what - for once it would be nice if someone reached out to me, and then to see the people who I thought were my close friends to not really say much - really fucking blows. I miss my friends. I miss having friends is how it really feels. I hate that everyone just assumes that I’m totally fine. UPDATE: I’m not. and haven’t been for a while. I miss them a lot but I keep telling myself to not bother contacting them because what is the point? it’s not like I can go meet them. I am stuck in my house. There are days I don’t mind this and there are days I want to get the fuck out. But I can’t. 

On another note - my father has turned into a real jerk. LITERALLy have not even spoken to him on the phone since our whole traveling experience where we argued the drive there AND back. I can’t stand his stubbornness and selfishness anymore. He was constantly on my as bout getting a job and how it’s gonna be a year since I graduated and how sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do in life. NOW - all of that being said yeah I know he’s not wrong but also he isn’t 100% right either. He literally has no fuckng clue as to what it is like to live here. He just thinks I’m sitting around not trying to do anything with my life because I live with my mom and darren and gmah. I had gotten so sick of having that argument with him in the car having to explain to him “what I’m doing to be so busy” everyday. I told him that he’d be the first to know when I got a job but that wasn’t enough. He questioned me bout why not take a train or uber to a job - GEE IDK MAYBE BC I DON’T WANT TO. I get incredibly anxious when taking public transportation ESPECIALLY to new places and I hate relying on it bc I’ve been late to school so many fucking times I don’t really want to stress about it - it honestly would just be really nice to have my own car so I could have my own actual life and maybe idk go see a friend or go to wherever the fuck i want to go. He still cant manage to help me out with that one - but besides all of that bullshit - IT’D BE NICE IF YOU AND LIBBY COULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO ASK HOW MOM IS DOING. THAT IS WHAT IM EXTREMELY UPSET ABOUT and why I haven’t bothered to call him since he dropped me off March 26th. I made that very clear to him in the car - he always tells me how I can call him up anytime to talk but really he made the point to say I only cal him when I need something or he doesn’t understand how I am busy when he calls me I’m either cleaning or going to the store.. yes dad that is all i ever fuking do. NO NO I don’t call you up just to talk because a.) you either talk all about your business the whole damn time b.) whatever I tell you isn’t good enough obviously sorry if I’m not busy enough. SO I’m sure he hasn’t called me because he’s gonna play it off to be he was waiting on me but HA YEAH I WASNT KIDDING. so here I am. What especially pisses me off is the way Libby has literally the entire fucking time said NOTHING to me about like oh hope your moms okay or how she doing or how are you. Like honestly if this whole situation was flipped we sure as hell would show more concern that you heartless assholes. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE STAYING AT YOUR PLACE ANYTIME SOON. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY COULD CARE LESS. 

UGH Now I’m just irritated with everything. I’m trying to vent as much as I possibly can because its been a hot minute and like I said I dont get to see many friends to do this with. Sooooo I resort to my good ol’ tumblr to type up a fucking ranty novel for nobody to read. *thumbs up emojii* lmao If you have read this far - I hope you are at least having a good day♥