#and all of a sudden i'm having an existencial meltdown because nothing matters what's the point aaaaaaaaaaaa
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#love getting super sweet and thoughtful gifts from friends and crying because i feel like i don't deserve them#because i'm a bad friend#and because i'm anxious about shopping for gifts these days#because i don't want to get them anything that they might not need or want#or something that is the wrong colour or size or flavour#yes of course it's the thought that counts but when their gifts to me are so well-thought (and because i'm easy to get gifts to)#i can't help but feel like i'm just not putting enough effort into finding something for them#everything i even consider buying is so impersonal and seems like i just got them something for the sake of exchanging gifts#which shouldn't be what it's about#it should be about ''this reminded me of you'' or ''i thought you might like this''#but i can rarely find stuff like that anymore. because we've grown apart and i don't know what they might like anymore#or maybe i'm just that self-absorbed. be as it may it's all my own fault#on the other end of this there's the culture of consumerism that makes me soooooo anxious especially during christmas#there is too much stuff on this planet too much stuff in our houses where is it all gonna go when we die#and all of a sudden i'm having an existencial meltdown because nothing matters what's the point aaaaaaaaaaaa#thanks for reading have a great tuesday
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