#and Kyle telling the world that he’s circumcised

[tessatechaitea]

Dark Nights: Batman the Drowned #1

I can't wait to find out how Bruce Wayne got such a fantastic pair of tits.

"This is my wish! And I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back!"

The explanation for Bruce Wayne having magnificent tits occurs in a brief Narration Box where Aquabat thinks, "The gender roles are reversed here." I used the word "explanation" incorrectly in the last sentence. By saying the gender roles are reversed, does he mean the people who are women on Earth-Negative-Guys-With-Awesome-Tits are men on Earth-Main-Earth? Does that explain why he's a woman named Bruce? Or is he a man but men on Earth-Negative-Guys-With-Awesome-Tits would be considered women on Earth-Main-Earth? Am I using the correct pronoun for Aquabat? I can't tell because is being a woman actually considered being a man from his Dark Earth? Is that what he means by the gender roles being reversed"? My boner is super confused right now! Oh! Everything becomes clear when the flashback happens and this is taking place on Earth-Negative-Eleven and also when I check back to the panel I scanned to see that Bruce Wayne is actually called Bryce Wayne. Is Bryce a non-gender specific name? Is any name, in this day and age, non-gender specific?! Down with parental labels that force a person (and others!) into seeing them as a specific gender! That's the fight we should be fighting! Also maybe the fight against circumcision. Can that be a major fight too? Hello? Anybody? Babies being mutilated here! Anyway, now I have a question. If the Batman on Earth-Main-Earth is the Batman that Barbatos is obsessed with, why are all these Dark Earths, created by Earth-Main-Earth Batman's dark thoughts, not versions of Earth-Main-Earth? Oh wait! I have an answer to my question! Because Batjoker is actually the Dark Version of Earth-Main-Earth Batman. He just happened to recruit other versions of Dark Multiverse Batman before coming to the main universe. So Aquabat wasn't created from a stray thought of Earth-Main-Earth Batman. She was created by a stray thought from gender bent Earth-11 Batman! Okay, everything is straight now! Oh, I didn't mean that to sound like a micro-aggression! I just meant everything was back to normal! Oh man. That was a micro-aggression too, wasn't it? I just reiterated my implication that straight is normal! Batwoman on Earth-Negative-Eleven decided to kill all the bad guys just like the Batperson on all the other negative Earths. Apparently that's Batman's constant dark thought on every world in which he exists. He just goes around thinking, "Why don't I just kill all of these assholes? Stupid Bat-Rules." On this world, he killed them all because they killed his lover Catman. Not that Catman! Differently gendered Selina Kyle! His name was Sylvester Kyle and my boner is disappointed that Catwoman had to get the gender bent treatment. I want to see Bryce and Selina make out. And yes that means I want to co-opt their lesbianism for my own heterosexual turn-ons! We can't all be saints!

Is the trident regarded as a phallic weapon or am I picturing dicks incorrectly?

I know I have a lot of fun attacking bad writers and artists in a hyperbolic way but whenever I hear Jim Lee give an interview, I feel bad about complaining about his scribbles all over the art he does. I genuinely like Jim Lee so much that it makes me hate myself for every time I critiqued a piece of his art that I didn't care for. Even though my hyperbolic rants are meant to be taken as the over-the-top ridiculous rantings of a rabid comic book fan, I know many people take this shit seriously instead of absorbing the whimsical feeling I have while while writing it. And since I like Jim Lee so much, I have to confront the fact that I might even like Scott Lobdell or (God forbid!) Cullen Bunn! Maybe I should stop being so mean? I mean so directly mean! I can be indirectly mean by making fun of the comic book and specific pieces of art that I scan because there's something wrong with them (like the way every colorist always fucks up the stripes in the American flag)! What I'm trying to say is this: "Jim Lee, I love you and I wish you were my father." So Bryce transformed herself into Aquabat to defeat all of the Atlanteans on Earth-Negative-Eleven. You know the story from the past Dark Nights books. Batperson wins but still can't save the world. Batjoker arrives with the shuttle to Earth-Main-Earth. Everybody rides the train to funkytown. Earth-Main-Earth suffers horribly because the Justice League are terrible at saving the lives of people who don't get to be characters in the comic book. It seems it's okay to kill thousands of people nowadays and still finish the story with the idea that the good guys somehow won. Aquabat turns Mera into one of its drowned henchman and then Doctor Fate saves Aquaman. Couldn't he have gotten there a bit sooner and saved Mera too? Or just saved Mera, really. Nobody cares about Aquaman. Dark Nights: Batman the Drowned #1 Rating: Apparently I'm reading a different comic book than all of the comic book review sites on the Internet. According to the advertisement for Metal in this issue, other reviewers are saying embarrassing things like "Like a good guitar lick, it'll melt your face off." Who writes that and thinks it's clever? Worse, who reads that and thinks it's clever enough to be used as a review blurb?! Here's another good one because it shows they know all about the metal music genre: "Just hold on tight and ride the lightning." Since it's an Internet quote, I'm surprised they weren't asking us to ride the "lightening." It's as if these reviewers heard about the concept of this comic series and wrote their reviews on that! Because I agree with the review that said "one of the most viscerally exciting comics series to kick off this year." But I only agreed with it before I read all of these tie-in Dark Nights books! And I only agreed with it before I had to actually think about most of Scott Snyder's plot points! I mean, I still agree with it in that I love this kind of comic book shit! And I'll love it even when it's not as good as I was hoping it would be. It's just that I can't bring myself to laud something in this way simply because it gets the comic book nerd inside me erect. I expect the writing to give me that same visceral feeling! It's just that it never does. Especially these fucking Dark Knight Origin Stories that are all basically the same. I think to write the kind of glowing reviews that Internet comic book lovers write, I need to just read the comic book without writing about it, not think about it while I'm not writing about it, somehow maintain a boner through whatever means necessary while reading it (to, you know, keep my interest and keep some of the blood out of my brain), and then talk about it with a really stupid friend who can't get enough of all the comic books. Then maybe I'd walk away thinking, "That was fucking awesome!" It's also possible I'm simply dead inside.

[parti-pooper]

When I was talking about Wendy and Cartman’s crush on her, I was referring to past seasons where Cartman and Wendy’s dynamic wasn’t nearly as hostile (Cartman himself was relatively nice to her in that episode). I don’t think he has a crush on her anymore (nor do I think anyone thinks that he does) so that’s not exactly fair to then compare Wendy and Kyle and use that as further evidence

“I don’t think he has a crush on her anymore (nor do I think anyone thinks that he does)…”

[Looks at you, making this bold, overgeneralising statement speaking on behalf of an entire fandom]

[Looks at the Candy shipping community, some of whom thinks that very thing which you claim no one thinks]

[Sips tea]

We’ve already covered that what you think and what I think - and, in fact, what other people think - are very different things, and neither can be right or wrong. It’s all up to interpretation, regardless of what the creators’ intention was. Fans are free to do what they want with fictional content, within the realm of fair use, and that includes coming up with alternative interpretations and imaginings of said content. I know that. You know that. We all know that. We’re just going in circles now.

Also, for the record, Wendy and Cartman’s dynamic was different in the past, but so was Kyle and Cartman’s. And, yeah, it wasn’t “nearly as hostile” but you can’t say they were exactly great chums either. If we’re referring to the episode Chef Goes Nanners, which we are, they still disliked the thought of working together, Wendy was still too pedantic and uptight and upstanding for Cartman, Cartman was still too lazy and obnoxious and questionable for Wendy, they still clashed, and yet, still… doodododoodododoodododoododo da daa da da da daaa da da, a wild crush appeared. Cartman used Sexual Workplace Tension. It was super effective. Wendy used Kiss. It was super effective. Cartman was immobilized by love. He couldn’t move. Wendy used Rejection. It was super effective. Cartman fainted. Wendy got 4XP and $7.

“Because ships don’t have to be taken seriously 24/7. They can be strange. They can be funny.” I never said to take ships seriously, and that ‘Cartman is fucked up therefore you can’t ship him with anyone’, because I find fucked up dynamics to be the most interesting. I just have a problem when people claim that certain things are canon when they aren’t/never were intended to be canon. Everyone can ship anything however they want- just acknowledge what the show has actually intended

“I never said to take ships seriously, and that ‘Cartman is fucked up therefore you can’t ship him with anyone’, because I find fucked up dynamics to be the most interesting.”

I am sorry for misinterpreting the intended meaning of what you said. That’s just how it came across to me. Funny how what is intended can be interpreted, isn’t it? When people put their words out into the world for other people with different eyes and experiences to see from, with different brains and beliefs to draw from, with different perspectives and preferences to get meaning from. Very funny.

We’re even, though, because you misinterpreted what I said as well. I never said that you think “Cartman is fucked up therefore you can’t ship him with anyone.” I said that you think Cartman having those fucked up fantasies about Kyle means they can’t be romantic in nature, because they’re too sick and sadistic. To which I say, whatever, that’s what you want to think. And do you know why? Because it does not matter. You can think what you want to think and I will think what I want to think and we will both be happy and get on with our lives.

“Everyone can ship anything however they want- just acknowledge what the show has actually intended.”

You can’t say “Everyone can ship anything however they want” and then straight afterwards give a condition for us shipping that is that we “acknowledge what the show has actually intended.” Because then, you’re giving us a how. Then you’re telling us how to ship something, not letting us ship however we want. And what if we don’t want to ship that way? What if we wanted to ship without having seen anything of the show? What if we wanted to ship without knowing anything about it at all? Would we be shipping illegally then? Will we have to pay shipping fees? I am sorry, but literally, fuck off with that elitist, backwards, gate-keeping thinking. That’s like saying “You can cross the street however you want, just acknowledge the crosswalk.” Or “You can eat spaghetti however you want, just acknowledge a fork.” Or “You can sleep however you want, just acknowledge your bed.” No! You don’t accept things like that. Do you want to know how you do accept them? I’ll tell you. You say, “Everyone can ship anything however they want,” and then you put a full-stop, and you end it there. No just’s. No conditions. No nothing. Or else you’re contradicting your statement.

And, I’m terribly sorry, do excuse me, but I must ask, what exactly entitles you to other peoples’ acknowledgement? What makes all of us owe you, or anyone, an acknowledgement? What authoritah do you have? Who are you supposed to be, the canon police? Gonna lock me up for serial reinterpreting of canon material? And also why do you assume we haven’t acknowledged the canon? How do you want us to acknowledge it? What, do we have to write a disclaimer each time we make a post that directly contradicts the canon?

I hereby declare that I, Miss Pooper of Parti, have indeed, beforehand, and with sanity, sobriety, thoroughness, and of right mind and moral, correctly identified the canonicity of each statement, or, oppositewise, the lack whereof, of which I am about to write, and have thus concluded that, as of the time of this post, no canonical occurrences, in any episode, of any season, so match or parallel the events of this post. And so, without further ado, I present the post in question…

lmao cartman wants to SUCC kyle’s biG FAT cirCUMcised DICKKK, lol sooo canon amirite, like follow and subscribe

Is that what you want? Because, like, I don’t know what else you want. I mean, yeah, we know what’s canon. We’ve seen the show. We’ve watched it with our own two eyes. We have common sense, reasoning skills, and general intellect. So, please, have more respect for me and my community than this, rather than deciding right off the bat that we’re all ignorant. Just because we joke “lol this is canon” or squeal “Oh, my God, the way Cartman looked at Kyle! He’s so in love with him!” doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s canon. It means we’ve recognised the intention of the creators, recognised what else it could be interpreted as, and decided to have fun with that instead.

You have a problem with people claiming things as canon that aren’t canon? So do I. Do you know what else I have a problem with? People making assumptions about what other people think, and indirectly demanding that they do things your way. I must ask you, as kindly as possible, to please, get off your high horse and stay in your lane.

even though it would be a lot easier to elaborate on each of my points. I feel bad basically unloading all of that into your inbox, so I won’t respond right away to all of your points lol. Good on you for not shitting on other people’s opinions though. It’s so rare to see that in this fandom

Thank you for being considerate, haha, it literally does actually take me hours to formulate these responses, I’m not even kidding, and I do have essays to get on with, so I appreciate not having to spend any more hours on this, heh! That said, if you wanted to elaborate more on each of your points, I said it before and I will say it again: just make your own post! It’s easy and free, and it would allow you to actually freely express your full opinion without limitations. And that way, they wouldn’t have to go through my judgement before being passed on to the public, because my judgement sure wasn’t kind. I honestly don’t agree with a lot of what you said, or at least suggested. Of course you can go on thinking that way, and I encourage you to, because you still have a right to an opinion; but I don’t want to have a dialogue about it, I just want to go on thinking what I think too without the feel that anyone is trying to convince me of anything else, so sending me asks is probably not the best way for you to share your opinion.

Again, I haven’t disproven any of your points or negated your opinions. I’ve just kind of explained why I, personally, do not agree with your statements. So you don’t need to respond and defend yourself. I get the gist of what you think and why. You get what I think and why. If you want to respond now, make your own post, and hopefully you’ll find either like-minded people who agree with you, or different-minded people who don’t agree with you and actually want to discuss why. Thank you for being interested in engaging with me. You have been most civil, and that, too, is so rare to see in this fandom. I hope you have a good day.

[cherrydarling87-blog]

So many tears. 12/3/17

I was really hopeful with my new found positive energy last week. Naturally, it was  short lived. Happy moments are few and far between in my life. So here’s how my week went...

Kyle basically removed me from all social media and barely speaks to me now. Although we discussed on Thanksgiving that it was OK for me to go public, and it seemed most everyone was supportive and I was almost kicking myself for not going public sooner, apparently people were bothering and congratulating him (keep in mind, I made no mention of him being the father) so because of this, I am punished and I guess I lose my friendship with him. You know, it doesn’t take 2 or anything. This pregnancy is totally my fault. I never did anything for him, you know. Although I helped him get his job and did everything I could imaginable to try to make him happy the past year I’ve known him. I am just a fucking bitch that has never come to his rescue and I might as well be dead to him for not getting an abortion...oh and of course he’s back shooting the shit with good ole Boyer. I know she’s eating all of this up. Enjoying my misery and pain and getting to spend time with Kyle while I mentally fall apart. I really considered telling Jennifer Williams everything, but it just wasn’t worth it. I am meaningless to him. Yes, I want him at times to hurt for being so mean and hurtful to me and not caring. But telling these girls the truth won’t make anything better. They will find out eventually the kind of person he is, whether or not I tell them. Maybe this is good for me. Shaping me, letting me see how awful he is. So I won’t expect anything once my son is born.

About mid week I had another regular OB apt. This actually went well for once. Was in and out. No ultrasound this time (I’ve been spoiled with so many already) just the fetal doppler which I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing his heartbeat. She also measured my tummy. My next apt is the week before Christmas. That Monday, I get to take the fun glucose test. Basically, where I drink this gross sugary drink, and they test my blood sugar levels for gestational diabetes. God I hope I don’t have that. Then on Wednesday the 20th I go back to the specialist. They will do another ultrasound to check to see if he still has cysts on his brain. I’m scared about that, but excited to see my stinker on ultrasound. Hopefully he’s more cooperatve for some better images this time around. 

I’m really struggling in about every aspect imaginable during this pregnancy. I remember telling myself if/when I got pregnant that I’d stay active and work out and not gain an insane unhealthy amount of weight. All of that shit might as well have flown out the window. I was 135 pounds give or take beforehand. Now I’m pushing 160 :-( that’s a 25 pound weight gain at barely 24 weeks.The overall recommended weight gain for entire pregnancy is 25-35 pounds. Not only that, but because of my height  I’m just getting big all over. No real baby bump, so people just think Kelley is getting fat again. I wanted to be all bump. I’ve still got 3 more months to go, and the last trimester is when the baby really starts growing, and when the weight gain is supposed to happen. Basically, I’m fucked. I was good about working out the first trimester, and not gaining much. Then the 2nd trimester hit and boom exhaustion, constant hunger, then Kyle making me so sad and depressed. Usually it is the opposite or so I’ve read that the 1st trimester sucks and 2nd is more relief. That most certainly is not my case, unfortunately. Honestly, at this point my goal is to not go over 180. The constant crying, depression, anxiety, and isolation aren’t helping either. Needless to say, this is not anything like  I thought it’d be. I love my baby and I hate myself for always being down when most would be celebrating. I hope he understands one day. 

To add on, I went to a rather fancy baby shower yesterday. A room full of expensive gifts. I’ve never seen such a rich house. I felt completely out of place. Then overwhelmed. I will be lucky to have a baby shower. I can almost guarantee it won’t be anything like this. It started to sink in how I’m broke white trash just like Kelley Boyer said and my son doesn’t deserve to be brought into this world with just me. It almost hurt seeing how she had support on both sides of the family. Just a simple reminder of how worthless I am. Damn, now I’m crying typing this. The shower ended abruptly. My friend started bleeding and had to be rushed to the ER. Luckily, her baby is fine but it seems she will be on bed rest until he is born. I had to spend $1,200 which is 20% of his birth last week all on my own, and my next apt is additional $300 for his circumcision, then I have to pay my deductible of $500 next year when it resets. Did I mention all I’ve done is paint his room and put a changing table in there? I’ve tried so hard to save money but I’m drowning in bills and existing medical debt. I’m even working over time. 

I finally get home last night after a challenging day of feeling like nothing got accomplished. Only to be unable to sleep due to constant gunshot noises right outside my home. I’m not 6 months pregnant or anything. Then makes me concerned that I will be raising a child on 103rd street. So I cried myself to sleep off and on. Might’ve gotten about 3 hours total.

OK OK OK, enough of this negative energy. Guess I will try to be happy and thankful. This is the worst time of the year for me. Always has been. Just have to stay strong and hope that things have a way of working themselves out.

Kelley & Abel.