#and Isadora has to find him and be like *i know this sucks but we are not done. we are not leaving it like this.*

[lucasmatthews]

WILL WE EVER GET A HAPPILY EVER AFTER?:

“Every fairy tale reincarnation is special, but it just makes you ordinary. Adams is like any other school in Manhattan, it really is! But what makes Adams special is the undying ambition hungry students who will do anything to fulfil their happily ever after- if they were born to be heroes or antagonists- these students would do anything to fulfill their stories. And it's your class- holy shit- they will slit your throat if you're in their way. If you wanna survive the new environment, you’ll need to know who to befriend and who to avoid. Let's get started:

When you want to escape the loud chaotic stress of this school, find solace in Zay Babineaux. He’s a musician, he can play any instrument- guitar, piano, flute, drums, violin, trumpet, even banjo- and mastered all music genres. Zay is extremely talented and self aware of who he is. Zay is one the most level headed students in the sophomore class. He just goes with the flow, wandering around the school playing his music. Hopefully not to do anything else, the pipe piper story gets a bit...interesting. But all Zay Babineaux wants is to share his voice. BEFRIEND

If the big bad wolf ever tries to eat the loved ones of Red Riding Hood. Isadora De La Cruz would gut the wolf inside and out and fill its body with stones. She is known to ‘not like other girls.” She’s scary and would kill you, she lives for that. Isadora doesn't like being a damsel in distress, she can take care of herself and wants to maintain her control over things. If she is stuck in a situation, she’ll get herself out of it. Her filipino mentality is you have to suck it up, and Miss. Isadora De La Cruz has to suck it up. Isadora works for what she wants in life, for every success she has, she earned it herself. AVOID BUT COULD BEFRIEND

For every Isadora De La Cruz, there’s a Farkle Minkus. Farkle Minkus is a wallflower. In the drama of Adams, Farkle thinks of himself as a background character in the whole story, even his own. He spends his time in the library, he has read all the books more than 3 times. There's not a lot known about Farkle, he’s very reserved and closed off- distanced. I don’t know if he has any friends to socialize with, but he is always tired. Let’s just say he’s practicing his 100 year nap. There's nothing good or bad said about Farkle, he’s just in the blurry background of it all. BEFRIEND

Who isn't a background character in their story, but is the most feared: Maya Hart. Maya Hart is Adams’ main antagonist, she always wears a silver crown on her head; reminding every student she’s queen. She has her minions by her side- the step sisters- they empathize Maya Hart’s spotlight. Where can you find a talented magic user? A cunning and sneaky Villain? Or a cold hearted queen? Well she's all 3. For a 16 year old, you would think she would be nicer to her friends or have a soul. But Maya doesn't care who gets hurt or who loses, all that matters is her throne. And if that means getting rid of competition, then she won't hesitate at all. My advice is don't ask her to help you with magic. She’s the true definition of an Adams student on steroids! AVOID LIKE HELL

And unfortunately last: Lucas Friar. He’s a special case in Adams, he’s not a fairy tale reincarnation, or a magic user; he’s just ordinary, plain and simple. His authority doesn't matter at all, he’s still just human. He’s prone to angry outbursts, getting into fights, and arguing with Maya Hart about everything. Lucas doesn't care, he seems to get out of trouble every time. But the most difficult part about Lucas is this: he’s hard to understand, sometimes he’s a decent person, sometimes he’s someone’s worst nightmare. The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't waste your time with Lucas Friar- he’ll make you view him as the villain. AVOID LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

The world you entered in, is awful, unpredictable, and dangerous. As for your destiny, it's simple: to protect our stories and world, follow what’s written. But I must warn you, somehow, high school is way worse.

So we’re screwed?

No you're fucked. May God have mercy on your soul. Welcome to your prologue, Riley Matthews.”

[ambitionsource]

wait i actually have more weirdly specific questions (if ur up to it) - how do the kids feel about poetry? do they follow any sports? what childhood tv shows were their favs? do they have celebrity crushes? fav coming of age movie? how are they doing in quarantine? what time in history were they obsessed w as a kid? have they ever been to summer camp? what type of candles do they like? what song do they cry to? how do they drink their coffee/tea sorry if u’ve answered already/too many questions

wooooo thank you for your patience iz!! we’re gonna go point by point

poetry?

charlie loves it genuinely and will read it for fun. riley likes it enough but doesn’t go out of her way to read it. farkle loves coming up with insane explanations for the metaphors and is smug about interpreting it in class. zay doesn’t care for it, neither does lucas. asher appreciates it but finds it boring; dylan likes it for the same reason farkle does, only not to look smart but to come up with something completely crackheaded to combat farkle’s interpretation (which he can’t then say isn’t correct, bc its poetry, so all interpretations are valid!). isa doesn’t like it because she doesn’t get the metaphors on paper the same way she can pick them up in film. maya hates it even though multiple people have pointed out that song lyrics are basically poetry -- she will tune you out.

sports?

sports aren’t Big at aaa (aside from dance), but there are remnants here and there. riley follows basketball of course -- even tho as demonstrated in 110, she cannot play it to save herself -- and she tried out for cheer in 9th grade at her old school but was rejected from the squad (another bad mark on a terrible year). farkle prefers wii sports over any actual sport, but will sometimes watch golf with stuart because it’s quality time with his very busy father. charlie did soccer when he was younger before it got phased out by dance and semi keeps up with it. dylan also “played” soccer, but this meant the other little league teammates getting pissed at him bc he never paid attention to the game and was just like “hey! hey, dennis, look at this!” and did like 3 cartwheels across the field. it was a smart move when randall pulled him from the team bc those intense soccer moms were gonna like beat them up fDJSKG. so now dylan is just an unofficial gymnast instead.

isa doesn’t like sports but played them a lot with foster siblings, and even though she sucks she gets very competitive. lucas liked baseball and was good at track in middle school, but he never thought about doing a sport for real because he knew he was going to quincy eventually where his dad is a coach... yeah. no. but he’s great at running fast from the police!

maya hates sports (aside from the art of dance). waste of time, waste of energy. asher has never done a sport nor ever contemplated a sport. the most Sport he’s endured is going with jade to support dave at his swim meets (where nigel also does swim) and suffice to say, asher wasn’t there to look at the swimming.

childhood tv?

dylan to this day is a spongebob squarepants STAN. legend, icon, scholar, best television show ever made, in his opinion. he also was well-versed in pokemon, adventure time, gravity falls, and phineas and ferb. asher and lucas both didn’t watch lots of tv growing up (if at all), so dylan considers it his job to give asher a thorough education in the quality tv he missed as a kid.

maya was all over hannah montana (miley is still a role model to this day for her), and she, zay, and charlie all remember the fever dream that was shake it up. zay especially loved it bc he was (is) obsessed with zendaya. zay and maya both also watched victorious. charlie was sharing a tv with four siblings so he just ended up watching whatever the dominant sister that day wanted to watch. riley was a disney channel girl, and farkle was a pbs scholar (arthur, cyber chase, fetch! with ruff ruff man... classics).

 celebrity crushes?

zay = zendaya (as previously mentioned). charlie = harry styles to a major degree, although his Cover Story would be zendaya if you asked (ironically). maya = britney spears (but in a I Want To Be Her way, major idolization rather than attraction) and technically the same for valerie de la cruz but like... rip to that lmao. isa = loki, yes we know, but sometimes it be that way (altho that does extend a little bit towards tom hiddleston in general). asher = logan lerman, aka the main valid white boy who dresses nice, is polite and soft-spoken, and minds his own business (not to mention he is the Same Type as dylan). dylan = had crushes more on like... personalities so like ash ketchum and percy jackson, and now its irrelevant bc he met asher and became obsessed and its like every other potential crush just flew out the window of his brain. it’s full asher territory in there nowadays.

riley doesn’t have a specific one, she thinks lots of people are Pretty but no one particularly strongly. farkle doesn’t have one because he’s insane and doesn’t have the mental capacity. lucas doesn’t have one because he’s demi and also hates most celebrities as people.

coming-of-age movie?

maya’s is mean girls. farkle’s is ladybird. zay’s is easy a. riley’s is bend it like beckham. isadora’s is eighth grade. charlie’s is dead poet’s society. asher’s is perks of being a wallflower. dylan’s is spiderman: into the spiderverse. lucas doesn’t know movies.

quarantine?

we’ve somewhat discussed this before, but ultimately es and i elected to let aaa remain in a nice, calm universe where they don’t have to endure covid. lucky them. blow a kiss to the ether for us, buds,

fave time in history?

riley is huge on ancient greece and greek mythology. maya loves the theatricality and Drama of the roaring 20s (a baby flapper at heart). zay vibes hard with the 80s. charlie likes the fashion and romanticism and music and art of the 70s (that sort of flowery positivity clashing with the rebelliousness of the movements of the 60s... yeah. that hits something in him). farkle’s is the great depression not only bc he’s an emo but also all the raw and desperate art that came out of it. isadora was a egyptian mythology kid. i know lucas sounds lame (he is), but i don’t think he cares about history -- but if pushed he’d probably say the 90s bc he dresses like he’s straight out of there, everyone was angry rocking, and he wasn’t born. asher likes the victorian era bc of the sheer elegance and Aesthetic to everything. dylan doesn’t have a favorite time period because due to being the subconscious multiverse conduit (i.e. the being that is somewhat connected to every other version of himself) sometimes he wakes up and for a minute he doesn’t even know what year it is 🤪anyway...

summer camp?

charlie has been to many a christian youth summer camp. zay went to the kossal program, but that was basically it. lucas no although he probably wished he could be anywhere else during the summer sometimes including a camp he would hate. riley went for a few years in elementary school. isa has gone to a couple of “foster kid” summer camp bonding things that she despised. farkle went to jewish summer camp One time and was like that was HORRIBLE, never make me spend a whole summer outside AGAIN. asher was more of a Enrichment courses at the rec center during the summer kid than a camper. dylan no because the orlandos couldn’t afford something like that. same for maya.

candles?

riley has a small variety of scented ones that are like... warm scents, like cinnamon and stuff. asher a couple that smell like clean linen but his fear of accidental fires keeps him from ever lighting them. maya has one and it smells like “star power,” a gift from her mom one christmas. isadora can’t have any because many of her foster homes don’t allow them. lucas legally shouldn’t be allowed anything that catches on fire. dylan doesn’t have one but similarly should not be given one. the minki have a whole collection for different things so farkle can just pluck one at any time if he needs one like for a super fancy bath or whatever the fuck rich people do.

mental breakdown song?

charlie’s are “falling” and “from the dining table” by harry styles.

riley’s is “manhattan” by sara bareilles and “rainbow” by kacey musgraves.

zay’s are “imagine” by ariana and “dear life” from the step up soundtrack (post zc breakup).

farkle’s are “vienna” by billy joel and “get it right” from glee.

asher’s is “don’t cry” by ruel.

isa’s is “you are my sunshine” because valerie used to sing it to her a lot when she was really little, so it will always make her a little emotional.

dylan’s (although rare) are “soon you’ll get better” by ts and “make you feel my love” by adele. the second one is because his mom loved adele when she was just starting out bc 19 was released the same year that she passed away so there’s a lot of like subconscious association there even if he doesn’t realize it.

maya doesn’t have one, and lucas also doesn’t have one because in the rare moments he does cry its in his closet in the dark silence alone bc he literally can’t stand the sentience of knowing he’s crying so. sensory blackout.

coffee / tea?

riley will add at least 3 sugars to anything, but she’s ultimately an iced tea gal. lucas drinks it black but only because it never occurred to him to add anything to it and so it’s a big wake up call when he realizes you can drink it and have it NOT be bitter and horrible and demoralizing ( “i thought we were all just suffering for the caffeine fix??” ). isa is a tea girl mostly, although she wishes she could drink black coffee for the aesthetic (and hates that lucas can... it’s like... he didn’t even Earn that aestheticism, smh). asher doesn’t drink caffeine bc it makes him Jittery (and he’s already jittery) so he’s like... the lemonade bitch at coffee shops which kin, and then dylan definitely drinks caffeine but not thru coffee, he’s more likely to get like a hot chocolate.

farkle lives on coffee but he can only drink it from home because they’re rich and can have like fresh ground good imported whatever the heck etc etc so he’s like spoiled about coffee. zay will hit up a starbucks now and then and will order coffee at a diner, but he’s not too attached either way. maya is a fun n free starbucks gal with her frappes and lattes and lots of cream (whipped or otherwise). charlie doesn’t drink coffee or tea bc hes hyper aware of his body and health (he doesn’t really have soda either) and it was frowned upon in his house.

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

All Those Things They Couldn’t Say - A Runaway Baudelaires AU

{ao3} {tumblr} {masterlist}

Chapter Thirty-Five - We lost our opportunity for “Home Alone”, thanks Jacques

Violet sat at the edge of their map, sketching while she talked. “Beatrice and Bertrand faked their deaths with Lemony’s help. He snuck them out of the city.” 

“No.” Jacques shook his head. “No, Lemony was investigated at that time-” 

“And he was smarter than you little shits.” Violet shrugged. 

“Beatrice and Bertrand would’ve gone to our organization for protection.” 

“Likely.” Violet rolled her eyes. 

“They’ve been on the run the last fifteen years.” Klaus said. “And ended up with us.” 

“Then Olaf found-” Violet shut her eyes a moment, taking a deep breath. 

Isadora, noticing her discomfort, picked up. “Olaf found they were in contact with Lemony. That’s… how he died.” 

Jacques didn’t say anything. 

“He faked a telegram and summoned them to Lemony’s place,” Duncan said, “And then kidnapped their parents.” 

“We escaped.” Violet muttered, reaching into her ponytail and pulling her ribbon out of her hair, wrapping it around her fingers. “Olaf’s been following us, killing anyone near us. We had to take Duncan and Isadora because they caught his attention and- and we can’t let anything happen to them.” 

“We can’t keep running this time.” Klaus said. 

“Kill.” Sunny nodded. 

Klaus shut his eyes, and translated. “We have to kill Olaf before he can kill us and our parents.” 

“Children…” Jacques said. “This is very serious. You should’ve gone to the authorities-” 

“The police will arrest our parents and VFD sucks.” Violet said. “We are on our own. Olaf killed your brother, don’t you want him dead?” 

Jacques stared at the paper beneath him. “All I know is Lemony died in a fire at Valorous Farms Dairy.” 

“Because Olaf killed him to get to us.” Violet said. 

Jacques sighed. “I can’t say I didn’t suspect… but I- I heard he may be heading this way, so I came to investigate rumors he was involved with the recent Paltryville riots.” 

“Well, he is heading this way, we’re here and he’ll come for us.” Violet said. 

Duncan hesitated, before pulling his commonplace book out. “Did you say Paltryville riots?” 

“Yes.” 

“Would… that include the death of Georgina Orwell?” 

Violet and Klaus stiffened, and Jacques said, “How do you know about that?” 

“Um.” Isadora said. 

“Bitch.” Sunny sighed. 

“Jacques, just leave Olaf alone, let us handle him or help us kill him.” Violet said. 

“Violet, you cannot just kill him.” Jacques said. “We can have the authorities handle this. Justice will be served.” 

“Justice is watching him die.” Violet said. 

“Mr Jacques, with all due respect,” Klaus said, “You weren’t there. He told our parents he was going to torture and kill us in front of them. He will if he gets a hold of us. He needs to die, and so does everyone helping him.” 

“Children, we can figure this out.” Jacques said. “Listen, we’ll just go to headquarters-” 

Within an instant, Violet’s knife was in her hands again, pointed directly at him. “Call VFD here and Olaf will be the least of your worries.” 

“Violet!” Jacques sighed. “Listen, I just think…” he looked pointedly at the Quagmires. “If you go to our organization, you might find… several good things.” 

“VFD stays out of this.” Violet hissed. “We kill Olaf, we find where he stashed our parents, and then we leave. We get the Quagmires somewhere safe and then go back on the run until we figure out something to do, and you will not tell your organization shit because we have knives and a very angry disposition.” 

“Frater,” Sunny said, which meant something like, “Also, Lemony wouldn’t want you to.” 

“Children-” 

“This is not open for discussion.” Violet said sharply. “The last time someone contacted VFD, two men died- Sebald and Montgomery.” 

Jacques shut his eyes. “May I… speak to the Quagmires privately?” 

“No, you may not.” Isadora said. 

“We’re not splitting up for any extended amount of time.” Duncan said. 

“And also, we should get going.” Violet said. “We’re going to set a trap in the second floor. Will you join us or are you going to hang out down here and mope?” 

Jacques sighed and sat back. Then, finally, he said, “You really are just like your parents. Beatrice was just as stubborn, Lemony also wouldn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise, and you’ve got that spark in your eyes that Bertrand had when he had a plan.” 

“And it’s a good plan.” Violet said, hiding a smile. “We’re going up.” 

“Call us if you need us, Uncle Jacques.” Klaus said, picking up Sunny. 

Jacques mostly kept to himself on the first floor of the firehouse, so the children quietly got to work on the second floor. They brought the map up with them, and eventually managed to drag the rulebook from the shelf and to the top of the firepole to toss down if need be. Duncan boarded the windows, Violet and Isadora marked several floorboards that would be easy to break, and Sunny banged on an empty beer bottle with a spoon and sang a rather repetitive song she’d written herself. While that was going on, Klaus went over their supplies, muttering and trying to find something good to set them up with. 

“I think if we put a tripwire under the door-” Klaus began. 

“We’re using the rulebook for the firepole, Klaus.” Violet reminded him. 

“I know, I know, but we could probably use the force of gravity, put a rock on a high shelf-” 

“Do you have a rock?” 

“Violet,” Klaus sighed, “There are rocks outside.” 

“We could attach Sunny to the wire,” Duncan laughed slightly, picking her up as she cheered and dropped her spoon, “And have her bite his head off.” 

Sunny growled and giggled and waved her arms. 

“Not risking it, but good backup plan.” Violet snorted. “Have you got the windows?” 

“I think so. I’m not great with a hammer but I got the boards up.” 

“It’s just slamming it into a nail, Duncan, don’t be an idiot.” Isadora said. 

“Listen, I have no motor skills or upper body strength.” 

“Have you considered not being a weak-ass bitch?” 

Violet laughed. “Alright, it’s getting late. I’ll take first watch, the rest of you chill.” 

“We can’t chill, we’re committing premeditated murder in self defense.” Duncan whined, giving her pleading eyes, which caused her to laugh quite a bit. 

“Let’s just lure him here now and throw a knife at his head.” Isadora said. 

“We don’t even know if he’s here yet.” Klaus reminded her. “And if we’re all tired-” 

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve got the drill.” Isadora sighed. She found her bag, digging out her blanket. “Maybe we could strangle him with this.” 

“A rope would be better. Maybe we should’ve saved the one from Dark Avenue.” Violet said. 

As she sat beside the rulebook, looking down the hole, Sunny turned her. “Woc?” she asked. “Are we sure we can trust Jacques?” 

“Absolutely not, so the guard on watch has to make sure he doesn’t do anything idiotic.” Violet said. “If he comes up here make sure he doesn’t drag anyone off by the ankles.” 

Duncan curled against the wall, smiling as Klaus sat beside him and leaning his head on his shoulder, settling Sunny on his lap. “I feel bad for him. Like, he must’ve been in there for a while.” 

“Lemony was abducted as an infant, so, yeah.” Violet nodded. 

“Why do you think he wanted to talk to us?” Isadora asked. 

“You’re easier targets.” Klaus shrugged. “Two of you, less experience on the run, more prone to be friendly to the cult.” 

“As if.” Isadora snorted. 

“That’s enough chatter.” Violet sighed. “Everyone shut up and go to sleep.” 

“Sing?” Sunny asked, looking up from Duncan’s lap as she grabbed his jacket and wrapped it over her like a blanket. 

“Guard probably shouldn’t sing. Won’t help the guarding.” Violet said. 

“I can sing, though.” Duncan giggled, wrapping his arms around Sunny and leaning more onto Klaus. “Our Father loved this one- It was such a fine spring day, down Lou’siana way, with fragrance divine…” 

“And such magnificent regalia,” Isadora sang along gently, wrapping her own blanket around her._ “Oh, so fine, Azalea.” _

“Oh, what a lovely sight, in red, pink and white! Can’t help but believe…” 

“That nothing evil can assail you, so naïve, Azalea…” 

Violet sat at the edge of the hole and kicked her feet, hitting against the pole every now and again. She heard Jacques writing something down below, and the fading voices of the others slowly drifting off to sleep, but she kept herself focused on her watch. 

Just keep an eye out, Vi. Keep them safe. 

Violet knew she should’ve waken someone else up for a watch, but instead she sat by the hole for a while, enjoying the silence. Eventually she laid down on the floor, staring at the ceiling and trying not to fall asleep. 

She failed pretty fast, but thankfully she was awoken by a door slamming. 

As soon as she recognized the sound, she sat up straight, her hair flying into her face. She quickly tied it back, peering down the hole and listening. No noises. And no movements. Likely someone had gone outside. Probably Jacques… fuck. 

She ran to the other children, quickly pushing them and darting between sleeping bodies until they all sat up, groaning. 

“We have a situation.” she muttered. “Jacques has left the building.” 

Klaus glanced around. “What time is it? Why didn’t-” 

“Jacques has left the building.” Violet hissed. 

Duncan turned to the nearest window, froze, and said, “I’m starting to see the downsides of boarding up the windows.” 

Sunny gave him a look, crawled over to the firepole, and immediately slid down. 

“Fucking- Sunny!” Violet shouted. 

She groaned, and Duncan jumped to his feet. “You get the bags, we’ll get Sunny.” he said quickly. 

Isadora and Klaus quickly nodded, and Violet ran to the pole, sliding down and running as soon as her feet hit the ground, her eyes darting around the room. She finally spotted Sunny crawling on a dusty, creaky chair in order to peer out the window. 

Violet slid to a stop beside her, and Sunny only blankly looked up and said, “Issi.” “Jacques is just standing outside. I think he’s just chilling.” 

“Sunny, for fuck’s sake, what did we say about splitting up?” Violet hissed. 

Sunny shrugged, as Duncan ran to the window and checked the outside. “Yeah. He’s just standing there- do you think he’s sending a message? Waiting for something?” 

“Ughe,” Sunny shrugged. “Maybe he’s just being a weirdo.” 

Violet peered into the dark. “Maybe he’s trying to guard. May- shut up.” 

They quieted, just as Klaus and Isadora slid down the firepole. Duncan gestured for them to be quiet, as Violet put her hands on Sunny’s shoulders and squinted. Another figure was emerging from the darkness, and Jacques started heading towards, holding his arms up. She caught a few muffled words- “remember… friends… do good again…” 

“He’s talking to someone.” Violet muttered. “I’m gonna hazard a guess, he’s doing something really stupid and trying to talk Olaf down.” 

“Fuck.” Isadora said. “We’re not ready.” 

“I was hoping for the element of surprise,” Violet muttered, “But we can still-” 

“He’s going to get himself killed.” Klaus muttered, his eyes wide. He stepped forwards towards the door, and Violet grabbed his arm and yanked him back. “Violet!” 

“I’m not letting you die because of his stupidity!” 

“We can’t just let someone else die for us- we can’t let Lemony’s brother-” 

“He made his choice.” Viole hissed. “We just need to do our best to kill Olaf before anything happens to us. We-” 

“Shh!” Klaus suddenly leapt forward and grabbed Violet’s shoulders, ducking her down. Duncan quickly grabbed Sunny and knelt down beside them, while Isadora backed up against the wall. 

At that, Klaus gestured to a far, stained window behind the bar. Outside was another figure, walking carefully, clearly straining to hear a sound inside. 

Isadora sunk to the floor, her face going pale as she shook slightly. Duncan crawled beside her, grabbing her hand, while the Baudelaires shared a look, as they heard shouting begin outside. 

“They’re surrounding the house.” Klaus gestured. “If we go out to attack, one of them could grab us.” 

Violet paused, and then signed, “Side door leads to the firetruck. We could get there and drive over him.” 

“They’ll hear the door open.” 

“We’ll have to run.” 

“What if they jump over the fence?” 

“We have knives, idiot.” 

Klaus nodded, and Violet shot him an encouraging smile before reaching over and squeezing his wrist. She turned to Sunny, who was hugging Duncan in an attempt to comfort him. Violet gave her a thumbs up, and then gestured to the sidedoor. Sunny’s eyes widened in realization, and then she beamed. 

Both of the older Baudelaires crawled over to the Quagmires, and Violet pointed to the door, and then to Isadora’s bag pocket that held the throwing knives. Then she held up three fingers, then two. The Quagmires nodded, but just as she lowered her finger to one… 

They jumped as they heard the sound a shot- a harpoon gun, firing off. They heard a gasp and a shout, and Klaus let out a cry. Instantly, Violet grabbed his arm, hauled him up, and shouted for them all to move. 

They were at the door in a matter of seconds, and Duncan curled around Sunny as Violet burst the door open and took off for the truck. They heard shouts, running footsteps towards the source of the noise… they likely had a few seconds before they found the broken boards and found their way into the fence… 

“Throw Sunny into the driver’s seat!” Violet called, and Duncan gave her a quizzical look. “Just do it and then jump in the back!” 

Duncan sighed and tossed the toddler, watching as she grabbed the window of the truck, hoisted herself through, and thumped onto the seat. 

Violet heard something whish behind her, and ducked Isadora down as a dart flew over their heads. They raced to the back of the truck as more things flew their way. Klaus occasionally glanced back to the driver’s seat, where they saw lights start up. Just as they reached the back of the truck, the engine began, and Violet leapt up, almost hitting the hose, and lifted Klaus in first, waiting until she was sure he was ducking against the wall before helping Isadora up. She then reached down for Duncan, who was trying to climb up himself as Sunny started shouting back for everyone to grab onto something. 

And just as Violet grabbed Duncan’s arm, starting to lift him, there was another whish, from the other direction, the one Violet hadn’t been expecting anything from. And in a flash, Duncan let out a piercing, pained shriek that made Violet’’s blood run cold. 

“No!” Isadora hurled herself forwards, just as Sunny hit the gas. 

The firetruck burst forwards, as Isadora and Violet gripped Duncan and hauled him up. Violet’s eyes darted upwards, just in time to see a figure atop the fence, trying to crawl over, reaching to grab another weapon. 

No, no, no… 

Isadora was screaming, and Violet whipped around as Isadora and Klaus pulled Duncan to the back of the trunk, trying to stop him from shouting so much. The car shook as Sunny burst through the fence, and Violet could hear shouts of people running away from it. 

“Roundabout!” Sunny called. “We’re facing away from Olaf, I could turn around though!” 

Violet glanced towards her sister, and then down at Duncan. Klaus’s panicked, shaking voice was telling Isadora to keep him down, and Isadora put her hands on Duncan’s back, tears already streaming down her face. Duncan, for his part, was doing his best to stay calm when he had a large, sharp dagger jutting out of his shoulder. 

“I- I don’t think it hit an artery-” 

“Could it have? Klaus, could it have-” 

“Shut up! I need to- to focus! Duncan, stay calm, we’re going to save you, just- just-” 

Violet shut her eyes, and then called to Sunny, “Keep driving! We need to get him somewhere safe!” 

Sunny didn’t question, and the truck drove off into the night. 

Violet gave herself a moment to process. Harpoon gun- Jacques was dead. She was sure of that. Olaf had shot him, and he or one of his henchpeople had just injured Duncan. Duncan… Duncan was going to need help. 

Sunny was… not the best driver of the group, and the truck swerved between streets, almost hitting mailboxes and porches. Klaus was struggling to help Duncan in such conditions, saying something about laying down, try not to move, Isadora _hold him in place, _Violet I need a bandage, everyone stay calm. 

It was a bit hard to stay calm, though, as the truck sped forwards.

[dashielldeveron]

Viper III: Pactum de non Cedendo.

Viper AU: a Mob!Tom Holland AU in which you are a political author, Tom’s personal lawyer, and eventually his consigliere.

Warnings: violence, swears, the law, gore, violence, murder.

Summary: You’ve heard not to cross the streams. Too late. You wish your life could go continuously uphill for, like, two minutes.

All evidence of humanity has been erased. Thus, all identifying vocal quirks, filler words, and dialogue not imperative to belaying information have been elided.

…

Viper: Let’s say I’m involved with…underground justice.

Epiales: A vigilante?

Viper: No. What I personally do is not technically illegal. I am the law, direct and simple, free of corruption to the best of my abilities. You may recall my work in the Laurens case?

Epiales: I made the connection. Clever thinking on your part.

Viper: Your compliments have gravitas. Thank you very much.

Epiales: How are you involved in Hernandez’s murder?

Viper: I met the man once several months ago, and now, Hernandez’s murderer is intrigued by my involvement. Our connection is feeble: he signed a document concerning a donation in my presence.

Epiales: Are you at liberty to say what the donation was for?

Viper: It’s nothing noteworthy. Ultimately, it went to keeping our headquarters intact.

Epiales: What concerns do you have about this case proceeding from this point?

Viper: Obviously the plans of this murderer. I have reason to suspect that certain crimes that have come my way are all by this same person. I believe a pattern will emerge and that the culprit will make a mistake.

Epiales: And this is the person that’s threatened you to release pictures?

Viper: I want to assume, but it’s a complicated situation. He’s made me realise I can’t afford to hide in the shadows any more, and moreover, I don’t need to. I know what I’ve gotten into, and I’m not afraid. When this guy makes his next move, let him know that my walls are fortified.

Epiales: A woman like you can’t afford to be caught off guard.

Viper: That’s true. It’s a jungle out there.

Epiales: Tell me how being a woman affects your status in your work.

The article went on, and Tom let out a low whistle and turned from the laptop. He opened his mouth to speak, but it morphed into a smile as he shook his head. “Oh, this,” he said, spinning his chair to look up at you, “This is beautiful.”

Releasing your grip on the back of his chair when he spun, you flexed your fingers before making a fist and holding it behind your back. “You think so?”

“I know so,” he said, “How the fuck did you manage an interview with Epiales? No one can find him.”

Well, when you’re interviewing yourself, you can do it in bed, with your cat on your feet and reruns playing in the background. You made your Epiales self have a slightly more formal voice than your Viper voice, although you made both of yourselves look good. And it was all too easy. “It was more of a stroke of luck than anything,” you said, “About a week ago, I received a burner phone in the mail. No return address. Nothing was on the phone except for one phone number, and it was labelled nightmare.”

Tom closed the laptop and slipped it into the sleeve. “And he just picked up?”

“Not exactly.” You started sweeping papers into folders and putting them through the three-prongs. “It was text-to-speech. I never heard Epiales’s voice. It was a slow interview, but it was fascinating.”

“How much did you reveal about the mob?”

“Just what you saw. The mob is never mentioned. There’s a suggestion that I work for someone, but I’m cautiously vague about it.”

“You’d better not have slipped up.”

“I was careful, I swear.”

Tom stood, stretched, and cricked his back, and you heard the pop. He relaxed, his shoulders slumping before shaking himself and rolling them back. More pops. “I’ll trust you for now. Whatever the case, this… We couldn’t’ve chosen a better way to take away the power from the photographer. By releasing your information ourselves, his giving it to his client means nothing.” He sighed and accepted the files you handed him. “I’m headed over to Hernandez’s house now. The capos are reporting Isadora’s getting restless and is trying to get friendly with some of them. The less she knows, the better.”

You scratched out the label on a file and scribbled in a new one. “It shouldn’t take nine men to guard the kid.”

“She’s trying to leave the house. Keeps talking about practising for a tennis tournament coming up.” He slid the folders into a desk drawer, took out a small key, and locked it.

“She’s got to be tired of being cooped up, and her dad was just murdered. Give her a break, Holland,” you said, shoving the files in your rucksack and zipping it up.

Tom shot you a look and grabbed his suit jacket off the back of his chair. “Well, maybe you can come check out the setup tomorrow. To be honest,” he said, slipping an arm in a sleeve, “it’s not as great as I’d like it. Harry and Sam couldn’t come into the city to monitor her because of their stupid fucking plant-geneticist-slash-bioprocessing-engineer calling them upstate. I fucking loathe that they’re involved with that shit. Useless.” He pulled his jacket on fully and began to button it from the bottom. “Imagine saying no to me.”

A montage of scenarios flashed across your brain, mostly involving being tied to a bed. “I’d rather not.” Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you said, “Is that why you don’t want me to meet them?”

Tom tilted his head and sucked in through his teeth. “The less you know about my family, the better.”

“Understandable.” You did not understand. You watched this guy murder people on a regular basis, so what could be so bad about his family? “All right. I’m ready. Let’s go see Isadora.”

“What? No,” said Tom, frowning, “You’ve stayed way past overtime tonight. Go on home.”

“So have you.” You checked your phone and slid it back into its pouch on your belt. “It’s two in the morning. Let’s go. Quick check. In and out.”

“Viper,” he said softly, raising his eyebrows, “You need rest. Go home. Come with me to Hernandez’s house tomorrow.”

Sighing, you rubbed at your hairline. Currently, you were motivated almost equally by thirst for justice and thirst for Tom, and usually, when Tom outweighed the justice, it was time to quit. Fuck. “So long as you get some sleep soon, too.”

***

“Yeah, Ms. Pham. I’ve been in contact with the national park. They should be sending someone along with the diamond soon.” Hastily taking your feet off your desk, you held up a finger to Haz, who slammed the door to your shitty office. “Still a bit of processing to do, but soon. Yes, ma’am. The next time I can be at the museum is on Thursday morning. Do you want me to come to your house before then? Right.” You scribbled down the details on your legal pad. “Biscotti. Got it. Thank you. Goodbye. No, it’s taken care of. Bye.” You hung up and tossed your phone next to your potted cactus. “What brings you to Siberia, Mr. Osterfield?”

“Cut the jokes. Come downstairs, now. There’s a car waiting.” Harrison beckoned for you to follow him and left before you could even stand.

“What’s going on?” you asked, slightly out of breath when you caught up to him, holding the doors to the elevator open.

“We’ve got to get to Hernandez’s before the police,” said Harrison, jamming the elevator button repeatedly, “There was a distress call, and it’s been silenced.”

***

At your recommendation, Haz passed around the bag of latex gloves before all of you entered the Hernandez house. Haz, Tom, Maccabruno, and you stood cramped together on the step to the back door as you worked the rubber up your fingers and smoothed it out. Macca meticulously took note of the surroundings, ensuring no one saw the four strangers on the back step of a recently murdered politician, and as Haz and Tom drew their guns, you dug out your evidence notebook.

You were garnering a lot of notebooks.

Maccabruno picked the lock and eased the door open; you winced at the creak of the door hinge in the silence. Tom crept in first with Harrison closely behind. Catching your eye, Macca jerked his head in Harrison’s direction, meaning for you to stay behind in case an active threat lingered. Nodding once, you followed Haz and Tom through cosily cluttered, yellow hallways and a spacious kitchen straight out of a 90s catalog, but the kitchen tile turning into living room carpet had Tom holding out his arm to stop before you could see it.

Tom tilted his head to listen, and after a moment, the house settled. He relaxed his arm and moved forward.

You rounded the doorframe, busy opening your notebook, and when you looked up, you stopped in your tracks, your heels sinking into the carpet.

Tom, Haz, and Macca spread across the blood drenched carpet. Their shoes squelched with each step. Fucking every surface had some blood; it was drizzling off the coffee table, seeping into the couch cushions, running down walls—how did it get on the ceiling? There was fucking blood dripping from the ceiling; oh, my God.

You bit the inside of your thumb, tasted the latex, and promptly lowered your hand. Haz was already getting blood sample and saying, “Did a blood bank fucking explode in here?”

“It’s better than turning someone inside out,” said Tom, and he crossed his arms, his gun poking out from underneath his bicep.

Get over it. Pull yourself together. You have work to do. “Where the fuck is Isadora?” Her portrait above the fireplace had been splattered.

“Right. Harrison, go check upstairs for her. I don’t think we’ll find her down here,” said Tom, taking the blood samples and beckoning with a finger for you.

“Yeah, sure,” you said, and you, not wanting to walk the wet path they had taken, began to round the couch—at which point you covered your mouth with your hand, and—latex, you really should stop touching your face at a crime scene—there lay the bodies of the men stationed to look after Isadora Hernandez.

Tom and Maccabruno jogged over, both of them on the other side of the neat line of corpses, all arranged with their arms crossed over their chests—two who had been wearing hats had them over their faces.

“Okay, something’s fucky,” you said, “Their clothes are fucking immaculate.”

“Macca, check out the hats. Viper,” said Tom, nodding at you, and he crouched to flip the body closest to him over. He ran two gloved fingers over the shoulder blade. “This looks like blood from the carpet. I can’t see any wound, can you?”

Maccabruno shook his head, his hand grasping the first hat like a claw, revealing an unharmed face, like the rest.

On your end, you bent to look at the capo. He was young. Callow, even. What was he doing in the mob? You checked out his hands—oh, no callouses, square-trimmed fingernails, long palms and fingers, right hand muscles more developed than the left—usually an office boy. Maybe he’s one of the accountants for Osseous on floor ten—oh, fuck, he was. You glanced at the rest of the men—they were field capos; maybe this kid was here for logistics. You didn’t know.

And that struck you. Why didn’t you know? You could’ve kept him from being here. He might be at home and content if you had stepped in.

“I don’t think this blood is theirs,” Tom said, turning the body back over, “There are splatters that look too precise. There’s too fucking much of it.”

“Harrison may have been right about the blood bank,” said Maccabruno, returning the hats to their faces.

Moving up to the kid’s face, you frowned. A peaceful, blank expression in death. Head tilted back slightly. Bad eyebrows—no, stop that. His nose was crooked, but that wasn’t from this; this was ol—you scanned his jawline. Lots of tension there. Like it had…been forcefully clamped shut.

“I want you to check local blood banks when we get out of here,” Tom said, standing, “See if anyone’s taken out a surplus at once or over a few months.” He swivelled around. “Seems like it’s all the same age and hasn’t darkened much.”

“Probably well refrigerated then,” Macca was saying as he jotted down instructions.

You squeezed his lips to pucker them, loosening his jaw enough for you to pry it open. “Holland,” you said, “I have something.”

Tom’s eyes widened, and he rushed to stoop next to you once you pulled a strange, dead grass out of the kid’s mouth. “What is that?”

“No idea,” you said, looking to Harrison as he came downstairs.

“Haz, we need a sample bag,” Tom said, and he shifted to the next body in line and forced its mouth open. He raised his eyebrows at you when he retrieved the same grass.

Harrison gave you a sample container and joined you in popping open mouths, all of which had the plant inside. You got a few strands from each of them, and as you packed away the bags, you said, “Holland, remind me how many men you sent down here?”

“Nine,” he said, crossing his arms and leaning back onto his haunches next to you, and then he got it and grimaced. “We’re never mentioning again how long it took me to notice that there were eight bodies.”

Haz dragged Macca out of the room to look for the ninth before Tom could even issue the order. Gun drawn, Tom move to stand over you in case, his legs so close to your shoulders that you could grasp at a touch of body heat coming from him. Your tongue grew heavy in your mouth.

Would it be so bad to ask him to hang out?

Yes, oh, my God. You can’t ask a mob boss to hang out.

Regardless, theoretically, it wasn’t ideal to date someone in the workplace, especially one’s supervisor, particularly when that individual could have your teeth ripped out if you dump him—but who would dump him?

Besides the workplace rule, there are a couple of things wrong with the possibility of being romantically involved. 1) Tom Holland has a stick up his ass. 2) He’s never shown any potential romantic interest in anyone, to the best of your knowledge. 3) The mob persona you’ve assumed also has a stick up her ass, so 3a) you probably were not the most attractive person in his life, 3b) assuming he felt emotions of the mushy sort.

Wait! Holy fuck! It’s been so long that it’s slipped your mind; when he first met you, he was, like, aggressively flirtatious. But so were you. That wasn’t how you’ve been presenting yourself since, but that flash, the hint of how chill you really were (you were so chill; you swore. You were the chillest person ever to exist. Ice. Cold.) could have lingered in the forefront of Tom’s consciousness.

If you could concentrate, you might save a life. Focus.

The corner of the kid’s high collar that poked out of under his coat, and you pulled on it, peeling it from his skin with a bloodstain soaked into it. You pushed his chin to the side so that you could get a better look.

“Holland,” you said, looking up at him, and you were startled for a moment by his dark eyes, how he was giving you all of his attention. You cleared your throat. “I unearthed a wound on his neck, but it’s not enough to have killed him. Cut by a thin blade. Shaped like a backwards L.”

You and Tom followed the procedure for the rest and discovered they had similar cuts in different shapes—this one three sides of a square, another a capital gamma, another still a proper L. You were writing them down hastily when Harrison dragged a terrified capo into the living room, this one bloodstained.

“He says the attacker locked him in a closet and posed as him for a few hours,” Maccabruno was saying, typing on his phone in the doorframe.

The capo looked at Haz and back at you and Tom. “I—I think he chose me because of how I was able to talk to Isadora. We’re about the same age, so.”

“Did you hear him speak?” Tom asked.

“No,” he said, “and I didn’t hear any of—” He caught sight of the line of bodies, and he bit the inside of his wrist. “Shit. You’re not gonna put me to the gallows, are you?”

“Absolutely not,” said Tom, “You did nothing wrong.” He slid his gun into his holster and rested his fists on his hips. “We’re gonna take you to the nearest safe house and get you patched up. Then you’re taking a while off. You’re not in trouble,” said Tom, and he stepped closer to the sweaty man (he qualified as a man, you supposed, but he was still younger than you) and put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s to keep you safe. If you can get out of the city for a while, that’d be even better.”

“You’re the only witness to whoever this murderer is,” said Harrison, “so you’re a mark.”

“Now, I know you’re shaken,” said Tom, nodding to Haz and guiding the capo out of the room, “but I’m gonna need you to report everything you can recall about what’s happened.”

The Hollands had a safe house not too many blocks away, and the hostess welcomed you in furtively, giving you something to drink before joining Harrison in sanitising the capo’s wounds in the spare bedroom.

You sat on the kitchen counter with glazed eyes as you drank your capri-sun. Macca and Tom sat across from each other at a table, the former looking into blood banks on his phone and the latter lost in thought.

Numb.

The blood room was enough for today. For the week. You wanted to go home. Sighing, you kicked off you heels, let them clack to the floor, and opened your notebook. The sooner you made progress on this incident, the sooner you could go home.

Tom snapped out of it at your movement and drew his hand away form his mouth. After rolling up his sleeves, he leaned against the counter and watched you try to decipher the symbols cut into their necks. The gentle rise and fall of his chest meant he was mostly calm, at least. He’s seen worse.

Haz and the owner of the house eventually came back in, saying the kid was clean and sleeping, and she began to cook dinner, Harrison cutting up vegetables for her. Tom shifted closer to you to get out of their way, but he wouldn’t touch you, not even grazing your sleeve. Why wouldn’t he touch you?

Plus, it was impossible to focus on these symbols, anyway. They weren’t letters or anything, just four right angles in different directions and four squares missing a different side each. Feeling stupid under Tom’s close scrutiny, you drew them in order of what direction they were facing and then tried to arrange them in a flower, because, you know. It looked like you were doing something, and you were braindead.

“Hey, that’s a hashtag,” Tom said, pointing at the flower.

“Yes,” you said, noticing it for the first time, “I tried, I guess. There are only so many shapes you can make out of eight partial squares.”

Tom nodded, running his tongue over his lower lip and staring at the paper. Furrowing his brow, he snapped his head towards you. “Nine.”

“Eight,” you said.

“Nine.” He traced the square made by the centre of the hashtag.

“But that,” you said, “Fuck.” You jumped off the counter and ran with Tom down the hallway, through the guest bathroom and into the bedroom, bursting through the door.

Harrison and Maccabruno rushed in in time to see Tom turn away from the bed and cover his eyes with his palm and you set your jaw and shut your eyes tight.

The window stood open, curtains wafting in the evening breeze, and the capo’s head lay at the foot of the bed, its eyes still open and a square carved into its throat.

You blinked and felt a lump grow in your own throat. “There’s…there’s something in his mouth.”

Tom got there before you did and pulled out a crumpled note.

T.H. and V. alone to retrieve Isadora at the M.A.S. warehouse tonight 0100 hrs. $250,000.

It was the same handwriting as on the back of the photograph, and you had never been gladder to see that little V instead of your real initials.

***

You took a swig out of your flask—cold hot chocolate, a marshmallow mess from being shaken all day.

“I don’t want you to come in tomorrow,” said Tom from the driver’s seat, “What you’ve seen today is too much for one day. You probably should rest your brain.”

You swallowed thickly. “You worried about what content I consume, Holland? I’m gonna come in even harder tomorrow.” The innuendo struck you, and you fastened your flask back into its clasp.

“I mean it,” said Tom, putting the car into park outside the unkempt warehouse. He turned off the brights and shifted his torso towards you. “If you don’t get some sleep soon, you’re gonna make yourself sick.”

“Pot calling the kettle black,” you said. You buttoned your blazer underneath the seatbelt. “I’m not gonna break until you do.”

Tom shut his eyes tightly, wincing. “It’s not about breaking or showing weakness.”

“You’re goddamn right.” You unbuckled your seatbelt, and then you reached over to unbuckle Tom’s. He had a moment of incredulity but let his arm slip through it. “What do you have to do at work that you don’t want me there for?”

Tom looked at his lap, pinched the crease in his trouser pants, and rested a tight fist on his knee. “I’ve got an old friend coming in… She and Haz are working on something for me.”

“Are you expecting me to feel threatened by another woman? What kind of freak do you take me for?” Your head snapped towards the warehouse’s second storey, where a light had appeared. “The air’s too thick with testosterone where we work. I’m grateful for any sort of empathy for that. What’s her name? Then we’d better get going.”

“Zendaya,” said Tom, twisting himself to reach the ransom suitcase in the back seat, “I’m sending her out into the city with Harrison to look for any parts of this case that we might be missing.” He unlocked the car door and opened it. “We might only be getting the bigger events,” he said to you over the roof of the car.

“Makes sense,” you said, shutting the passenger door, “Anyone else I should know about?”

“My mate Jacob is coming to look for similarities between this case and past ones. See if this guy’s had any practise before executing this one.”

“Poor choice of verb,” you said, noting his widening gait as he rounded the car to you, “You ready?”

He leant in closer and spoke quietly, his eyes lowering to your hips. “Can you draw your knife easily?” His dark eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks.

After a beat, you said that you could. That idiot needed to stop looking at you before doing public shit. You’re gonna get distracted by thinking about his fuckin’ eyelashes. They’re so long, you know? You were a little (read: a lottle) envious. And they weren’t exactly the colour of his hair; they were smoky and more than a little delicate—hello. You have work to do.

Tom’s grip on the suitcase handle tightened until his knuckles whitened when you entered the middle clearing of the warehouse, and the light on the second storey had been turned off. Startled, you jolted closer to him, your blazer cuff brushing against his sleeve. The thirty following seconds in the utter darkness slowed to a stop when Tom moved his hand, just barely, to tap his knuckle against the back of your hand, a sharp spark of reassurance that had you inhaling harshly when he dragged his knuckle up a few inches to your wrist. At that, he withdrew, and a light overhead flickered on.

Underneath it Isadora Hernandez was gagged and in the grip of a bulkily armoured, wholly masked figure holding a gun to her ear.

“If you are not alone, you will not leave alive,” said the kidnapper. He spoke through a heavily altered vocoder, leaving his voice stentorian and robotic.

“It’s just the two of us,” said Tom, his voice even but careful stare unyielding, “What do you want?”

He changed his grip on Isadora, his bullet-proof armour shifting noisily but not enough to reveal any skin. This man was a completely unidentifiable ghost. “What do you want, Tom Holland?”

“I want you to return Isadora Hernandez to me unharmed.”

“What do you want, Tom?” He pressed the barrel farther into Isadora’s ear. “You’re here because it’s the right thing to do. You don’t actually care about this girl and whether or not she lives. Dozens of people under your jurisdiction suffer and die every day, whether it’s deserved or not.”

“Just so,” said Tom.

Get to the point. Isadora wants this all to be over, and so did you. Pick it up, fellows. You supposed this was what happened when you loosened egos unmitigated.

“You want confirmation of crime? Fine. I’m the one you should get credit to for your main investigation right now. The senator, the photographs. Beheading your men. It’s just me serving up justice, my dude.” He tilted his covered head and yanked Isadora’s hair, tilting her head in the same way. “And Viper, my dear, you’re in for it. You are no longer safe. I’m tracking you down, and I’m gonna treat you to everything you want.”

“How kind,” you said with no emotion, “The first thing I want is Isadora, unharmed.”

“Suitcase first,” he said, putting his finger on the trigger.

With his other hand raised, Tom bent to slide the suitcase across the floor. It fell short of the kidnapper by about eight feet. Silence. How embarrassing. Does Tom go up and kick it towards him, or does the kidnapper walk towards it?

Tonight, option two is chosen. The kidnapper put his boot on the top of the suitcase before prying it open to check its contents. It clicked shut when he kicked it behind him, and he released his grip around Isadora’s neck, his handprint fading back to her natural skin colour.

“All right, then, Isabella.” He took the barrel out of her ear and aimed it at you and Tom. “You skedaddle towards them, got it? Nice and slow, now.”

Isadora, gagged with her hands tied behind her back, trembled in the first few steps towards you. She looked over her shoulder towards her kidnapper, who gestured with the gun for her to go on. You held your breath next to a stock-still Tom, slightly hunched and stance wide, weight on the balls of his feet—you frowned; he was waiting for something to go wrong.

But the kidnapper lowered his gun and told Isadora to go, and she’s crying as she runs to you, crying as he raised his gun again and shot her in the back of her head.

He bolted out of the back door as Isadora bled out onto the concrete floor in rivulets. You rushed to kneel at her side and stood again when you stepped in blood. You tried to garner any reaction from her, but her eyes had turned glassy and her chest had stilled.

You stooped to close her eyes as Tom barked instructions to mobilise—apparently you hadn’t come alone; capos waited outside and now were in pursuit; why didn’t he tell you? Either way. You ripped your knife from your belt and moved to run after the kidnapper, but Tom caught you by the waist before you could take more than two steps.

“Oh, no, you don’t,” he said with a growl, his cold hands too tight on your waist and keeping you from struggling, “There’s only going to be one more death tonight.”

Rolling your shoulders back, you took a deep breath but turned your head to the side and refused to look at him, even when he squeezed your waist for you to do so. When the warehouse light burned out, Tom let out a heated groan against your exposed neck, and there in the darkness the two of you stood, waiting for a gunshot.

***

pactum de non cedendo: an agreement not to yield.

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[hungergames-fanfic]

Grounded

Having to wake up before the sun is horrible. It’s cold but not really, my eyes are itchy and dry, daddy’s in a mood. I’m not having any fun. I guess that’s the point. I’m not supposed to have fun, this a punishment.

“First things first”, daddy says.

He makes me light an oil lantern on my own, at first the task makes me nervous. Last time he taught me I ain’t pay any attention, luckily all I had to really do was light it. “Easy, see”, daddy says when I smile at the flame.

In a way, he wasn’t kidding, that was the easiest task. For the entirety of the morning I’m put to collect chicken eggs. This takes me about an hour. Ari left so many behind that I fill up two buckets. Then, we have so many chickens it’s hard to walk in the coop without having to kick some. They flap around erratically and smack me with their wings. For a second there, I’m jumped by over twenty chickens.

Usually daddy only makes me do one thing and calls it a day, but not today. He’s still mad about yesterday. Ari and me getting lost, then finding out she ran away and we ain’t tell nobody. Has me shoveling up pig poop, carrying buckets of feed, tossing hay into the goat pen and spoils at the pigs. Has me working so hard I ain’t notice how hungry I am until my stomach starts to roar. Even then I ignore the noises and emptiness so daddy won’t have a reason to yell at me some more.

By the time the sun is high in the sky, hot with no light breezes, daddy calls me to the farm house. In a pen he has one of our bulls, he’s big and brown with the longest horns I’ve ever seen. The other one is just a calf. He hands me a brush and tells me “Billiard” needs to be brushed, then leaves me to this and goes out in the horse pen where I can hear him calling Spice, one of our three horses.

“Milk!”, I hear daddy a couple of minutes later, “Milk, down girl, down!”, followed by a loud distinct crash. It sounded like a wooden wall being torn down. “Goddamn it, Milk!”, daddy yells. Footsteps approach.

“Polomir!”, momma Bilmin yells at him, “now I know you ain’t talkin’ like that in front of Dora”, behind her are three men.

“Lookin’ like you need help”, Mr Oxoro says with a big smile. Usually his clothes look dirty like daddy’s after a long day but today he’s well dressed. Has cowboy hat on, in a bright red, long sleeve button up and navy blue jeans with the cleanest boots I’ve ever seen, he stunts with his attire. I say he can try all he want but he’s still funny looking. Short, with a big belly and the funniest waddled walk, he walks besides Eduardo and some other boy I’ve never seen before.

Eduardo looks nothing like his dad. Mr Oxoro is dark skinned. Eduardo looks like his momma. Tall, light skinned with pretty colored eyes. “Milk man’s kid”, Omarion said once. Whatever that means. The second I see Eddy my cheeks feel warm and I hide behind Billiard.

With them is another kid just as tall, he’s skinnier and tanned, his clothes are sun bleached and if there were a strong gust of wind it looks like he’d fly away with it. He looks amazed. His mouth open, looking all over the place like he ain’t ever seen so many animals before.

“This right here is Vano, one of my sister’s kids, they visitin’ for ah, y’know”, Mr Oxoro says tryna keep himself from saying “the reaping”. “Seen them a lil bored so I thought I’d bring’em down here to work”, he says holding on to his belt. Daddy swings his arm for a firm, friendly hand shake.

“Need help? Naw”, daddy says turning around to look at something. All the men chuckle.

“Since y’all here”, momma Bilmin says, “you ain’t gon need Dora no more. Dora!”, she calls for me.

I’ve been out here sweating all morning, I’m dirty and stink. I ain’t tryna have none of them see me, specially Eddy. My cheeks feel hot. “Dora?”, momma Bilmin calls for me just out the pen. Not having heard her creep up startles me into a shriek that makes me giggle out of sheer nervousness. Momma Bilmin laughs and pokes fun at me. “Girl look at you, almost feral, you been playin’ with the pigs?”, she chuckles.

Daddy puts Eddy and Vano work on the broken fence, who both stare at me walk out the barn. I wish momma Bilmin wasn’t holding my hand, they probably wanna laugh at me cause I’m dirty. This makes my cheeks warm again and I try my best not to look at them.

While daddy and Mr Oxoro go and catch Milk, who happens to be distracted by a patch of grass behind the pen where we keep our lactating cows, momma Bilmin talks about us spending the rest of the day together. She sounds excited and tells me about the book I read to her on Friday, how she wants to know more about corals. I’d be excited to read to her again but after working all morning, hungry and tired, all I want is a good nap.

Blessed with nice cold shower all I can do is laugh and play with momma Bilmin who despite finding all of them dead, won’t stop looking for live lice. Says she “ain’t stoppin’ until all those pests leave my baby’s head alone��� and kisses my cheek. Afterwards, I’m made to wear a frilly dress and she ties my hair into half a braid, half a pony tail. It gives me the sense that we’re going out but she tells me we aren’t. Says momma is gonna love the way I look when she gets back from work.

For lunch she makes me a cheese sandwich with juice that has bits of fruit floating around. She sits with me at the table and talks about paying Efrain a visit tomorrow.

“You mean that, momma?”, I jump out of my seat so excited I almost fall off. Momma Bilmin smiles at me and nods. Says he’s better now and we can finally go visit. It’s been almost two whole months since I last seen him. I’m so excited to tell him about Ari being my new friend, I can’t wait to see his face. I also miss playing outside with him and the other kids. Wendy says they miss us too.

When we’re done eating, momma Bilmin and me go to her room and lay down on the bed. She has the ceiling fan at high velocity so it’s not as hot as it is in the kitchen. In no time, she’s fallen asleep and snores really low and quiet. It’s cute. I’m not sleepy though. Instead I quietly leave her room and go to mines. For a long second I stand in front of my bookshelf and stare at all the books that I have. Two shelves filled with them, none I wanna read.

Bored, I stare outside from the back kitchen door and watch Eddy and Vano still tryna fix the fence. Vano holds a plank, Eddy nails it in place making the whole fence wobble. Meanwhile daddy and Mr Oxoro walk around the open field pointing and talking amongst themselves. Looking around my eyes catch a glimpse of some of daddy’s mecate. Thin ropes he’s braided with horse hair. This gives me an idea. Daddy won’t teach me how to use a lasso cause I don’t have my own. What if I made one myself? I seen how he makes the ones he sells. It’s just four ropes braided into one that’s thick and slightly stiff. If he sees that I made one he won’t have any other choice but to teach me!

First rope over third rope, second rope over fourth rope, fourth rope over first rope. I go on and on and the ropes never seem to finish, but i am determined. Some duct tape where the braid is loose, a haircut where there are too many hairs poking out and lastly I put the lasso inside a water bucket to make it look wet and pretty. Daddy and Mr Oxoro joke and laugh while they inspect one of the cows. I’m not sure how long it takes for me to finish but by the time I do, daddy’s walking back to the barn, probably to check on Vano and Eddy.

It takes me maybe an hour to finish the world’s shortest lasso, still proud of myself, I go to them around with it in hand. “The roll of hay comes out to four-hundred, five-hundred, the O’doyles are flexible with the price”, daddy says to Mr Oxoro when I pull on the back of his shirt.

“Daddy look what I made!”, I interrupt with a big smile on my face.

“Girl you made a whip?”, Mr Oxoro asks. This makes daddy laugh but the second he sees it his smile fades away.

“That my mecate? Who gave you permission, Isadora?”, he sucks on his teeth, smacks me hard on the shoulder and takes it out of my hands. “Isadora”? Oh, he’s mad. “It took me a week to make these damn braids! I got Samsonite waitin’ and this girl..”, he pauses and pinches the brindge of his nose, “..when I open my eyes you best be on your way back inside”.

Stomping back to the house, holding in my angry tears, I notice Milk is out on the horse pen. She’s staring right at me and wags her nubby hairless tail. For some reason it feels like she’s calling me. Behind her, at the other side of the pen, Eddy climbs the new fence only to break it. Vano laughs and disappears behind the barn house. I crawl under the fence and make kissy noises to Milk. My dress is covered in dirt now. I don’t care, I making noises for her to come. After a few long seconds she finally starts walking over to me. This makes me happy. When she’s close enough I extend my arm and slowly try to touch her face. She lets me and even sniffs the palm of my hand. I remember daddy saying this is a good thing.

Eddy and Vano make me a little nervous cause I ain’t tryna embarrass myself in front of them but having broken the fence again they’re busy tryna look for more wood in the barn. With no possibility of judgment I get up close to Milk and give her a hug. Her letting me get this close for the first time makes me so happy I can’t stop giggling. Maybe this is why Ari is all giggles too. I feel Milk’s buzz cut mane and caress her face, when I stop she sniffs my hand and nibbles on my palm as if asking for more. With my yellow saddle already on, I dare myself to ride her. Part of me wants to, the other talks me out of it. I’ve only ridden her once and daddy was there to calm her down. “She already looks calm though”, I tell myself.

I stare back at daddy who’s not that far away. Him and Mr Oxoro stare and point a the hills past our land. I figure if anything happens, he’s right there. Picking up the courage, struggling to do so, I manage to climb the saddle and sit on her. All she does is huff and move a few feet. Nervous but thrilled I giggle. So happy to have climbed Milk all on my own I try to make her move forward so I can get the hang of riding a horse. Poking Milk’s neck I whisper for her to “go”, but all she does is huff and sniff the ground slowly walking towards the broken fence. I keep poking her and even dance back and forth tryna make her move to another direction but she doesn’t.

”This way”, I say wiggling my feet. She doesn’t budge. Disappointed, I give her a hug tryna hop off but suddenly Eddy speaks up. “Ain’t know you knew how to ride a horse”, he says popping out the barn. This spooks Milk. She neighs and stands up on her hind legs. Suddenly she leaps and takes off in a run, thrashing and kicking her hind legs tryna hit Eddy and fling me off. My scream is so loud that for a second I wonder who it is. My feet no longer on the stirrups, along with her trashing, makes me hit my face on the saddle horn. Unable to hold on, scared out of my mind, I let go.

Hard, dry mud rocks poke at my shoulder and my fall knocks the wind out of me. Having landed on top of my hand hurts so much I can’t move, I was screaming but not anymore, I can’t breathe and hot tears are rolling down my cheeks.

Milk thrashes and neighs running away. Eddy and Vano run up and help me sit up. Eddy takes one look at me and covers his eyes, rubbing his face and head. Vano sucks air through his teeth, he has a pained look on his face.

On their way back, daddy doesn’t run to me, he goes after Milk who kicks anything in her way. For a second I wish she was dead. Daddy should be here helping me, not her. She hurt 𝘮𝘦! Instead, Mr Oxoro comes to my aid. He helps me stand up but my knee hurts too much to stick out and the sight of my hand makes me scream only to go silent again. It feels hard to swallow. Nothing I could say or do can describe how much my hand hurts. The warm tears fall dawn my chin.

Behind me I hear momma Bilmin running up to us asking what happened. She approaches and takes a look at Mr Oxoro holding out my arm. My right thumb is bent backwards. There’s a bump where it used to be. This makes her scream too. Daddy is too busy tryna calm the stupid horse to come help.

“Why wasn’t you watchin’ her, Polomir!”, momma Bilmin screams at him. I’ve never seen her so mad before. She points at him and scolds him for having let me get on the horse. Daddy doesn’t say anything, he just walks back forcing Milk back to her pen.

“She was just with us, Miss Bilmin, she was just with us!”, Mr Oxoro says taking off his hat, scratching his sweaty balding head.

Daddy looks worried when he approaches. Momma Bilmin stands behind me, holding me so I won’t fall while I stand on one foot, she shushes and wipes my tears, caressing my face tryna stop me from crying. “You’re okay baby, you’re okay”, she says.

Without a word, daddy grabs my thumb and pulls on it fast and hard. It pops so loud Eddy flinches and looks away, Vano and Mr Oxoro wince, momma Bilmin whimpers and I scream so loud I feel lightheaded. I jump and kick tryna get daddy away from me but momma Bilmin ain’t strong enough to hold on. Back on the ground I cry so loud I feel like Sasha when was a baby.

Like a sack of potatoes, daddy puts me over his shoulders and walks off. Behind him momma Bilmin tells me “it’s alright, Dora” on the verge of tears while Mr Oxoro tells her “I swear to you on my youngest that little girl was just with us”. “Dad!”, Eddy snaps at him. All of them following us look like momma running after the mayor when he does something silly like leave out the wrong door. It makes me wanna laugh but it feels like I have my heart inside my hand and every time it beats, it hurts.

Inside the house, I sit and watch daddy wrap a white long bandage over my hand and thumb with what looks like a broken popsicle stick holding it straight. Says he’s fixed it already and I don’t need to see a doctor. For a second there, I begged him to take me to the hospital, I thought I was dying. This made momma Bilmin laugh but her hands shake and she rubs them together.

“What I tell you bout that horse, Dora”, daddy scolds me while tying my bandage, “always some with you, no but you don’t stop and think, you just go ahead”, “Polomir!”, momma Bilmin snaps at daddy. “Naw, aint nobody tell’er to go climb that dang horse”, he points out the door. He stares at me really mad and leaves. Already sobbing, I keep crying knowing daddy’s so mad he doesn’t wanna look at me no more.

Momma Bilmin touches her cheeks, her eyes are glassy and she shakes her head. “I’m sorry, momma”, I say.

“It’s okay, baby”, she assures me, “now come on, we need to figure out what we gon tell ya momma”. Oh, she’s gonna kill daddy. This makes me wail, mourning daddy’s eminent death.

[elderflowerchampagne]

127 & 128

Well. My birthday, first ever double show, and seven year anniversary of my first visit. I guess in seven years I could have done something productive, but no. You see, this is my life. It always will be. There’s nothing else. Just us, and the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark. (I wore my Norma Desmond turban on New Year’s Eve and the effects have not quite worn off.)

127

Praise jebus, they’ve gotten rid of that goddamn new coat check system!

I’ve gotten terribly out of the loop, so Evelyn/Lady Macbeth is news to me. I didn’t see much except her mad scene, and I think I like her in that role better than any of the others I’ve seen her do.

I was really happy to see Camara and Lily on the sixth floor! I love them both so much. But as I was peeping on the matron (Camara talks to herself in there, wonderful,) I felt this little psychological tug. They happen sometimes, and this one was pulling me down to the rep bar. So I went, and of course Isadora was Hecate. Seven years to the day since my first visit, and my most vivid memory of that night is watching her faint from the balcony and deciding Lady Macduff would be my favorite. I didn’t actually spend that much time with her this time, but it was nice to know she was there.

I missed Lily’s operating theatre solo, but she has beautiful handwriting and sucks on the chalk like it’s a lollipop. I’m so happy to hear she’s been around more often.

I know I say this a lot but Jenna is not completely of this world. The way she bends over backwards and then springs from her hands to her feet in her Bald ballroom solo looks impossible. Nobody should be able to do that. Every time I see her I’m struck by how physically fearless she is - same goes for Ryan, who was Bald at the late. It was interesting to watch two of my favorites back to back. Jenna’s a lot rougher and scarier. There’s something frighteningly animalistic about her Bald - she moves like a prowling animal. I’ll never get over the way she beats her back with her arms in the apothecary. She’s also completely fearless in terms of audience interaction. She pinned me against the wall in the lobby, bunched her fists in my hair and sniffed me like I was prey, which is a sentence I’ve never written before in my life and probably never again. But she has a genius for finding small things like that that can explode characters in directions I never thought of. I hope she never, ever leaves.

Not much else to report from the early show, except that Evelyn Grey was in the bar, surprising but very welcome.

128

What a buildup. Accidentally ordered a martini instead of my usual preshow champagne cocktail, and London, bless him, made me both, so I went in feeling gggggggREAT.

I stuck to more of my usual devices for the late show, so I followed Lindsey/Lady Macduff out after the ball. I’ve never seen her do it before but she’s really wonderful. What strikes me most about her is how very calm and quiet her Lady Macduff is. She doesn’t scream in her murder scene until that final terrible death blow, and somehow her attempt to scrub the face off the Virgin Mary is not as manic as the others’. (Side note: while I was in the lobby I noticed that the shrine of the Virgin underneath the bird portrait is incredibly yonic, as most of them are, except this one is REALLY obvious. So when Lady MD is frantically scraping at the face of her own shrine statue, what does that mean, except that I should stick to writing papers and never go out in the real world?)

While following her down the hallway I had a really, really strange experience. I love discovering tricks of light throughout the hotel. Some of them I’m pretty sure are on purpose - for example, the crack in the matron’s hut that lets you see her perfectly, the light from the crypt forming and inverted cross if you look from the ballroom. But I really doubt the creators anticipated the precise type of blurry vision that comes from mixing champagne and vodka, so this one is probably not, but from far enough away one of the icons on the wall above the couch looks like the terribly distorted face of a child. It’s certainly in keeping with the theme of the space, but when I got close enough I saw that it was an embroidered hear with a red M stitched in the middle. Odd.

I’ve heard great things about Audrey’s nurse but had never caught it till now. Well, everybody, you’re right. For the first half of a loop I actually thought she was Marissa, because of the height and hair, but I figured it out after the mirror maze dance. I didn’t catch her nail 1:1 but I did get the balcony one, which was amazing. I’m excited to see more of her.

I’ve never spent much time with Stephanie Jean Lane, but she was Hecate, and I can tell that when I do see more of her I’ll like her a lot.

Spent a little while having a therapy session in the bar with Hazel and Elizabeth/Virginia. We talked about how nice it is to do things that are completely outside your conception of yourself. Most of the stuff that happens within these walls isn’t real, and stops affecting my life the minute my feet hit the street again. But sometimes, rarely, something in the boozy dark gets through my shell, and when that happens I’m so happy and grateful I don’t know what to do with myself. So I had a great birthday. I’m excited to start this year - I feel cracked open, somehow, in a good way. Thanks, McK.

XOXOX

K

[wellhellsbelles]

There Goes Our Love Again

here’s the angst you all were asking for! 

ao3 link found here.

//

viii. There’d Be No Distance That Would Hold Us Back

Farkle shook his jacket off his shoulders as he entered the home he hadn’t visited in quite a while, the aroma hitting him with familiarity like a ton of bricks. Granted, it was masked heavily by the scent of wassail, but it didn’t slip past Farkle one bit.

“Farkle, good to see you!” Topanga greeted him cheerfully, pulling him in for a tight embrace. Farkle smiled, hugging her back.

“It’s good to see you, too. I’ve missed you guys.”

“Farkle,” Cory interjected, holding out his own arms. “C’mere.” Farkle accepted Cory’s hug, as well, truly glad to be back to celebrate New Year’s Eve with them once again.

From the end of middle school and on, even after disaster he helped create during the first one, they held a New Year’s Eve party at Riley’s house, determined to keep up the tradition. It did get better after the first, needless to say, and so to be back again to celebrate it felt right.

“Farkle!” Auggie called out to him, a wide grin on his face. Farkle couldn’t believe how much the kid had grown up—he was almost as tall as him, and it didn’t go over his head that he was about to be eighteen very soon.

“Auggie!” Farkle smirked, high-fiving him. “How have things been for Auggie Doggie Matthews?”

“You know, senior year stuff. College. All that jazz,” Auggie shrugged. “How about you? Riley told me you were back in town permanently.”

“Yeah, I am. I have a really good engineering job and everything. California just wasn’t for me,” he admitted.

“Auggie, quit hogging Farkle! C’mon, Farkley! We’ve got games to play in my old room!” Riley appeared next to him, dragging Farkle from the living room. He waved goodbye to the rest of the Matthews’ as their daughter pulled him into her old room, shutting him inside.

“Farkle! It’s about time you made it,” Maya mumbled through a mouthful of sugar cookies.

“Ready to play some games with us?” Isadora asked him. He nodded his head, taking a seat next to her.

“Oh yeah. Bring it on!”

“Wait, let me go get your Christmas cracker!” Riley exclaimed, running out of the room and returning with a silver paper tube in hand. “Alright, pull!”

Farkle did so and it popped open, dispensing a small amount of confetti around, as well as a small little gift and a paper crown. Farkle placed the paper crown on his head before taking a look at the tiny prize, laughing when he realized what it was.

“Frozen nail polish?” he asked.

“My mom gave them away for younger children at Topanga’s, so that was one of the ones she had left. By the way, I am totally painting your nails with this tonight,” Riley told him.

“Alright, enough of this. I wanna play games!” Maya shouted while leaning on Lucas for support.

“I have to agree,” Isadora said. “Please, bring on the games.”

“Okay, okay, geez. Game time it is then,” Riley finally gave in with a huff. She brought out Cards Against Humanity and Maya, Lucas, and Zay all cheered, ready to play. She passed out all the white cards everyone needed and set up a stack of them in the middle, along with a stack of the black cards.

“Who’s starting?” Isadora asked.

“I believe the way we decide is by whoever took a dump last,” Zay answered her. They all looked around the circle at each other until Maya plucked a black card out of the middle.

“That would be me, thank you. Feel free to fight me on this if you’d like,” she said, casually turning over the card. “Alright, here we go: What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?”

Everyone tossed a card in the middle and then Maya collected them, pushing Lucas’ face out of the way when he tried to peek.

“Alright,” Maya said after careful consideration, “What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? The card I choose is . . . GRANDMA!” she announced, tossing the card in the middle.

“YES! IN YOUR FACES!” Isadora screeched, taking the card.

And the game continued until Isadora Smackle was named the winner, and, as she claimed, “The Greatest Cards Against Humanity Champion To Ever Exist Suck It Farkle” (he had won many games in the past which frustrated her to no end). They rejoined the rest of the Matthews family after, all deciding to sit around and talk about past New Year’s resolutions and ones to come. Farkle hoped no one could sense his discomfort as he shifted in his seat, distressed by the topic at hand.

Ever since he talked to Zay at Lucas and Maya’s wedding, he couldn’t help but think he was right. Riley deserved to know the truth about his feelings for her, and after sitting with her on the balcony at Christmas, that became his New Year’s resolution: to confess to her. Farkle always did have poor timing, making New Year’s Eve a day where it was expected for him to ruin it. And when Riley stated that the new year was only five minutes away, Farkle couldn’t take it. He mentioned something about “needing air” and he took his coat and disappeared, heading toward the roof.

As he looked out amongst the city all lit up, everyone ready to celebrate another new beginning, Farkle gripped the metal rail encasing the roof, his head reeling.

He could do this. He was going to tell Riley how he felt, and everything was going to be okay—

“Farkle? What are you doing up here? Everyone became worried when you just rushed off out of nowhere.”

Riley managed to find him on the roof, both lucky and unlucky for him. She always did have a sixth sense for locating Farkle wherever he was, and he couldn’t fault her for that.

“I didn’t think you would find me up here,” he told her honestly, turning around to face her.

“Of course I’d find you. I’ll always find you, Farkle Minkus,” she smiled as she met him face-to-face, sparing them only a couple inches of space. “You’re my best friend, remember?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” he breathed, his heart rate increasing with each passing second. He swallowed back every resignation he was holding onto, tampering down his own fear for once.

“Then what’s the matter? You’ve been dodgy all-night long. Tell me, Farkle. Please. Best friends don’t keep secrets from each other.” As his mouth gaped open to answer, the city called out below, the countdown becoming clear as bells.

  “Ten!”

 He can do this.

  “Nine!”

 He’s got this.

  “Eight!”

 It’s fine, really.

  “Seven!”

 He’s just going to tell the girl he loves that he’s in love with her.

  “Six!”

 Farkle Minkus is in love with Riley Matthews.

  “Five!”

 Everything will be alright.

  “Four!”

 There’s nothing stopping him.

  “Three!”

 He just has to come out and say it.

  “Two!”

 Right about . . .

  “One!”  

 Now.

  “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

 “Happy New Year, Farkle!”

“Riley, I’m in love with you.”

As the city below them celebrated, the rooftop became eerily quiet as Riley gazed at Farkle with those bright, wide eyes of hers, mouth hanging open but no words leaving it. Farkle couldn’t tell what she was thinking, not at all, and he felt his heart begin to drop into his stomach, his anxieties returning to him all at once.

“. . . Riley?” he asked so softly, so full of fear that he couldn’t recognize his own voice.

“Farkle, I don’t understand,” she finally answered him, her brow furrowed so intensely he was almost afraid her face was going to remain stuck like that. Farkle sighed before explaining it all to her.

“Riley, I’m done pretending that my feelings for you were nothing more than platonic. It became easy to ignore them when I was with Isadora because I truly loved her, but after we broke up, it was like it all came back to me again. But then we ended up going to different colleges and I went away to California for a while, so I hid them again and didn’t tell you all those times we talked that they still existed because I was scared that you would reject me and not want to remain close to me anymore. When I moved back again, those feelings became stronger and I couldn’t ignore them anymore, and I thought I owed you the truth.”

The way Riley stared back at him killed Farkle, and he watched as tears began to drip down her face, her lip trembling. He reached out to wipe them away but she jerked back in response, which only hurt him more in the process.

“I don’t . . . I don’t want us to change, Farkle. We’re so good the way we are. Can’t we just leave it at that?” she sobbed. Farkle rubbed his hand on his face, shaking his head.

“You know I can’t do that, Riley. These are years upon years of feelings that I’ve held for you. They won’t just disappear in one night. I can’t forget them and move on like nothing happened.”

“Why not?” He scoffed in disbelief.

“Riley, you will always be my sun, my everything. You make my day brighter just by existing. How can I just ignore that? I don’t think I’ll be able to look at you for a long while without feeling an overwhelming pain inside my chest. You’re my best friend in the whole world and that will never not be true, but I can’t just let everything I feel for you go. It’s . . . it’s too hard.”

“Then try,” she urged, but Farkle just looked up, his eyes stinging with tears.

“Riley.”

He could tell she was trying her best to suppress the tears falling from her face to no avail. Farkle could almost say he was having the same problem. He offered her a small, sad grin, breathing heavily as he tried to think of anything else to say, but words were lost on him at this point. So he waved goodbye to her instead, for, sadly, the foreseeable future.

And as he walked away, his fingertips grazed his cheeks, realizing that he had been crying with her for a long while. He willfully ignored the tears, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets as he disappeared down the stairs.

  Fuck New Year’s.

[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

May 19, 2020

IT'S THE TESTING, STUPID

OK, this whole thing with testing is getting ridiculous. One day you can test negative and the very next day you could be positive. So what good is that? And another thing, the more testing we do, the more cases of Covid 19 we have. So, it's simple isn't it, just don't do so many tests. The official death toll is said to be over 90,000 in this country. But we know that's way too high. How could so many people be dead? It's actually a lot less and if we stop the stupid testing, we'll have even fewer deaths. As the White House now tells us, Operation Pumpkin will yield a vaccine by Halloween and we can all go trick-or-treating safely right before RE-ELECTION DAY. And everyone who wants, can get vaccinated except in blue states. This whole coronavirus thing has been blown way out of proportion and its time to get America back to work and continue the greatest economy that ever existed in history — except for the last three years of Obama. And those bastards in the Obama administration left the cupboard bare, except for that 69-page playbook on how to deal with pandemics and the Global Health Security and Biodefense office, which had to be eliminated. Anyway, don't listen to guys like Dr. Anthony Fauci, they're only scientists and know nothing about politics.

FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE SELF-ISOLATING

-Pretend your living room is a dancehall and do the western swing to Choo Choo Ch'Boogie by Asleep At The Wheel.

-Pretend your sofa is an airplane, dress up in an Elvis suit and parachute into Vegas singing “Only Fools Rush In.”

-Recreate the Death Valley Marathon in an empty lot wearing only shorts, a hijab and a camelback  canteen while singing, “I've been through the desert on a horse with no name... ”

-Drink three cups of strong coffee and ride your bicycle around the block (wearing a mask, of course) pretending that you're Lance Armstrong doping in the Tour de France.

-Line up six dining chairs in three rows of two and put on “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Ladysmith Black Mambazo, while pretending you're a safari driver in the Serengeti, pointing to your kid's stuffed animals and warning passengers, “No pee breaks because you'll be eaten by lions or teddy bears.” (Wilson and the band loved this one, especially after a few beers.)

-And finally, pretend your sofa is a Bugatti and dress up like Isadora Duncan and accidentally strangle yourself when your long scarfs get caught in the spokes. (Editor's note: don't really strangle yourself to death.)

-Next week, we'll have a fun list of things you can do while locked down with your kids.

INSPECTORS GENERAL SUCK

Inspectors general are a pain in the ass. They find stuff that doesn't work or people who are ripping stuff off and report it. It's always bitch, bitch, bitch. And so President Trump had a good idea: fire the bastards. White House aides opened a file called “Fire the Bastards Project.” On April 3, Trump shit-canned Michael Atkinson who declared as credible a complaint that Trump pressured the president of Ukraine to get dirt on Joe Biden. They should have hung him for treason. Then on April 6, Trump sent Glen Fine packing. He was supposed to oversee $2 trillion in spending Congress allotted to mitigate coronavirus impacts. But the president didn't want old Glen Fine sticking his nose where it don't belong. And, of course, the president had to dump HHS Deputy Inspector General Christi Grimm after she had the temerity to report that hospitals were struggling to keep up with the onslaught of coronavirus patients. Stupid woman. And then, the president had to boot Steve Linick, the State Department IG, because he was snooping around in Secretary Mike Pompeo's dirty laundry. What a pervert. It's like this: What you don't know can't hurt you — and it helps at election time, too.

DID BODY SNATCHERS INVADE FOX ?

The new U.S. Space Force has identified alien intruders that seek to upend American politics. Insiders say new evidence indicates that aliens most likely invaded the bodies of Sean Hannity, Laura Ingram and Jeanine Pirro. Smart Bomb's sources spoke on the condition of anonymity because President Trump loves Fox and would go batshit if the theory proves to be true. Here are the facts: Some of the so-called “Fox hosts” are broadcasting from home during the pandemic and one evening, Jeanine Pirro got absolutely shit-faced and then went on air. New findings suggest that when androids imbibe they may give away valuable intel and Pirro had blurted out, “I must be quart low.” Analysts believe she was referring to hydraulic fluid that is necessary for android mobility. The artificial intelligence, or AI, that runs their mouths is separate and programmed with special software. It all looks to be a Mandalorian plot to destroy the Neo-Trump movement from within by making it's most famous purveyors appear completely insane. Some investigators, however, believe the plot may not have succeeded because some Americans think the androids are right: There is a vast left-wing conspiracy to create a virus, pretend 90,000 have died and make them wear masks to the beach. So much for advanced intelligence.

Post script — Swimsuit season is upon us and the latest fashion trend for women is the trikini. That's right, ladies, you can now get face masks to match the rest of your string bikinis. In fact, depending on the style, the face mask may cover more skin than the rest of the outfit. And think of it, you can strut your stuff and no one will recognize you. At this point we're dangerously close to being labeled sexist, so we'll change the subject. Now the question becomes, do you need face masks for golfing, cycling or Rollerblading? With enough social distancing, maybe not. We know President Trump doesn't wear a mask when he goes Rollerblading in shorts and knee socks at the Trump Skate Park. But we digress. Summer vacation time is almost here and American families must decide how to take a Covid 19-safe vacation. Disneyland is not the best option. And the beaches may be too crowded, whether or not you've got the latest trikini. Camping would be safe except every other American has the same idea. And it's a definite ixnay on a Princess Cruise with 3,000 would-be virus carriers on a floating petri dish. But here's an idea from the Smart Bomb travel desk: volunteer sheepherding on the Falkland Islands. Yes, it's windswept and rainy and it will be winter down there 670 miles east of the southern tip of Argentina. But it does have an upside. There will be no coronavirus and no price-gouging. Think of all the fun you and the kids would have herding those woolies around the island. It's something they could tell their kids about. And the best part: No news from the United States. Totally Trump-free. We knew we could convince you.

Alright Wilson, wake up the band and take us out of here with a little something to get us in vacation escape mode:

Everybody's talking at me I don't hear a word they're saying Only the echoes of my mind  

People stopping, staring I can't see their faces Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining Through the pouring rain Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the northeast winds Sailing on a summer breeze And skipping over the ocean like a stone

(Everybody's Talkin, Harry Nilsson)

[gilbertandanne]

                                                      “Perfect”

A/N: Post-Infinite one shot, but I don’t think you have to read it to understand what’s going on in this one.  Definitely giving a shoutout to @gmwmeetsniall for asking about a post-Infinite one shot.  I never planned on doing it, but Ed decided to write the P E R F E C T song (haha, get it?). Fluff is not my strong suit, and I’m afraid it shows.  I hope you all like it anyway. <33

Song by: Ed Sheeran

Word count: 7,660

Pairing: Rucas

Rating: T

Lucas stood in front of the mirror in a desperate attempt to tie his tie.  Logically he knew that his reflection wouldn’t help the slight tremor of his hands, but at that moment, he was unable to think logically.  His hand shook a little more violently as he picked up the ends of the tie.  He wasn’t sure why he was reacting like this.  He wasn’t nervous at all and he wasn’t the least bit scared.  If anything, he felt more relaxed than he thought he would be—given the circumstances.

“About ten minutes,” Farkle said as he walked back into the dressing room.  He stood next to Zay as the two men watched Lucas fumble with the tie.  “How long as he been trying to tie it?”

“My guess is ten minutes,” Zay shrugged.  “It’s kind of entertaining.  You think he’s just about figured it out, but then one end falls and he has to start all over again.”

Lucas flipped the tie around for another moment before he growled in frustration.  Why was this happening?!

Farkle chuckled as he walked over to the Texan.  “You a little nervous,” he asked as he grabbed the tie.  He had never seen Lucas so flustered before.  It was quite a switch from the normally reserved veterinarian.

“No,” he huffed as Farkle slid the tie around his neck.  “How…how does she look,” he asked as a new wave of tranquility overcame him.  Just the mere thought of her seemed to put him at ease.  He looked down.  His hands still shook slightly, but not nearly as aggressively as they did a minute ago.  That was exactly the effect she had always had on him.  She calmed him, even if he were thousands of miles away.

Farkle smiled.  “You already know the answer to that.”  He finished the last loop.  “There.  Perfect.”

Lucas looked at himself in the mirror.  “I can’t believe it’s finally here,” he said as he examined his appearance.

“I don’t think any of us can,” Maya smiled from the doorway.

Lucas’s eyes snapped toward the blonde.  “Maya?  What are you doing in here?  Shouldn’t you be with—“

“The bride?”  She raised her eyebrows as she raised her right hand up.  In it, she held a folded piece of paper.  “As matron of honor, it’s my duty to make sure that the bride gets everything her heart desires today.”  She walked toward Lucas.  “She wanted me to give this to you.”

Lucas’s heart began to race as he stared at the paper.  “W-What is that?”

“How should I know?”  She handed the letter to Lucas.  “She tells me a lot of things, but I have no idea what’s in there.”

Lucas’s panicked eyes lifted back up to Maya’s.  “She’s not backing out, right?”

Maya glanced at the letter.  “Only one way to find out.”

Lucas turned away from his friends as he opened the note.  His heart leapt into his throat as his eyes slowly began to scan its contents.

‘Dear Lucas,

I wanted to do this in person.  I wanted to do it last night, but everything got so hectic at the rehearsal dinner, and then you spent the night at Maya and Josh’s.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to see you until the ceremony, but I have to tell you this before I see you:

I love you.

I know that seems ridiculous, because we’re about to get married, but over the last several days, I’ve been thinking about everything we’ve been through—the good, the bad, and the really bad.  Through it all, even when everyone else thought that there was no way we’d survive, even when I thought we wouldn’t, you believed.  You never gave up on us—even when I told you to, even when I begged you to.

When we, technically, weren’t dating in college…when we only talked when we met up…I knew how you felt.  Maybe not at the time, because I refused to see it, but looking back on it now, I knew that you loved me, and that you were trying to step back to give me what I thought I wanted.  I also know that you were there when I needed you.  I knew that if I needed someone to talk to, that you would be there.

Most guys would have been happy with the deal we had, but you never were.  I know you’ve said that before, but when I think back to those days, I see it so clearly.  I’m not sure how I missed it.  Maybe I was so far in denial of my own feelings that I failed to see yours most of the time.

I was so selfish back then.  I was so scared.  I thought that I was doing the right thing, when in reality, it almost cost me the best thing in my life.

I don’t deserve you.  I don’t deserve the happiness you bring to my world everyday.  Waking up next to you is the best way to start my day and falling asleep in your arms is the gateway to nothing but happy dreams of our future.

That future is here now.

Today, we’re going to stand in front of everyone we love and commit ourselves to one another for the rest of our lives.

Before we do that, I want to tell you that I think it’s unfair that you got to propose twice.  I know we said the first one doesn’t count, but it does.  I don’t want to erase our history.  I know that there is no way I could ever top the second one, so let me just tell you this:

With every fiber of my being, with every beat of my heart, I will love you.  I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, and I will love you even after my last breath.  You are my past.  You are my present.  You are my future. You’re my best friend.  You’re everything to me, Lucas.  You’re the one I want to walk through life with.  So, today, on the most perfect of days, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?

If so, I’ll see you at the end of the aisle.

Love Always, Riley’

Lucas slowly folded up the note as he slid it into his pocket.  He took another moment to compose himself before he turned back to his friends.  He knew that if Maya saw the tears that had pooled in his eyes, she would never let him forget it.  He cleared his throat as he finally turned around.

“Feeling better,” Zay asked.

He nodded.  “I’ve waited a really long time for today.”

“We all have,” Maya smiled.  “Ready boys?  I think Huckleberry has waited long enough.”

The note burned in his pocket as he stood at the end of the aisle.  He watched as his parents and Riley’s mom were escorted to their seats.  As the music faded, he glanced at the men who stood beside him.  He wasn’t sure if this day would have even happened were it not for them.  Josh, Zay, and Farkle were truly some of the best friends he could ever hope to have.  He was so thankful that they were there.

His palms began to sweat as the bridesmaids began to walk down the aisle.  The first was Meredith, a girl who went to school with Riley.  Next was the wife of one of his best friends—Isadora Smackle-Minkus.  She winked at Lucas as soon as she reached the end of the aisle.  He shook his head as he smiled.  Some things would never change.  He looked back at Farkle who only chuckled.  Lucas turned his head back toward the aisle as Maya reached the small group.  He noticed that tears brimmed in the blonde’s eyes.

As the bridal march began, his eyes slowly wandered toward the double doors at the back of the library.  He held his breath as two of the ushers slowly opened the only barrier that separated him from being able to see her.  As the doors creaked open, the smile on his face steadily grew.  When her eyes met his, everything around him seemed to stop.  

//I found a love for me Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead//

If he lived to be a thousand, he knew he would never forget a single detail of the exact moment he saw her in that gown.  He sucked in a breath as she, escorted by her father, began to slowly walk towards him.

She was a vision in a white strapless gown.  Her normally long brown hair was pinned up with a few small flowers peppered in.  He was fairly certain his heart stopped beating when she smiled at him.  He knew that he didn’t deserve the goddess who slowly floated toward him.  Her dress billowed behind her, which created an even more ethereal effect.

All of this must be a dream.  This couldn’t possibly be real.  What had he done in a past life to deserve the amount of happiness he currently felt?  He prayed that this wasn’t a dream.  He prayed that this was his reality—that the woman who had tears glistening in her soulful brown eyes was about to become his wife.

He swallowed as she finally reached him.  When her father let go of her arm in order for her to take his, Lucas bit his bottom lip to hold back the tears he knew he would shed.  When she touched his arm, he knew that this was no dream.  This was real.  After years of dreaming about it, after years of torturing himself with a future he knew he would never have, here they were.

//Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me//

The ceremony flew by in a flash.  Before he knew it, it was time for them to recite their vows to one another.

“Lucas,” Riley began as two tears slipped from her eyes, “When I sat down to write out my vows for you, I realized that this was going to be one of the most important things I would ever write.”  She paused as another tear slid down her cheek.  “We’ve been through so much.  From the day we met, I knew that you would be someone important to me.  We became friends first, and then, when I was ready…we became more.”  She cleared her throat.  “When I wrote that down, I realized that you’ve done that for me throughout our whole relationship.  You waited for me.  You were patient with me.  No matter what I did, how I reacted, you still loved me.  You still wanted to be with me.  I…I know I can’t take back the time we lost, but I can guarantee you that there will never be another day where you have to wonder how I feel, because I’ll tell you every chance I get that I love you.  I love you, Lucas…no matter what life has in store for us.  Good or bad, it doesn’t matter.  I know we can make it through anything.  I promise that no matter what, I’ll love you til my dying day…and even beyond that.”

When Lucas noticed the tears steadily streaming down her cheeks, he lost every intention of trying to make it through the ceremony without crying.  As the first tear fell from his right eye, he looked down at their joined hands.  “Riley, I’m not sure where to begin.  We met the day after I moved to New York.  You…literally…landed in my lap.”  He smiled as he looked back up at her.  “You helped this angry kid from Texas adjust to life in the big city.  You became my home.  You became the peace that I had been trying to find.  We’ve had ups and downs, and there have been times where it felt like everyone else had moved on, but I knew it wasn’t the end for us.  I knew it because I knew that we’d be here one day.  You are the only one for me, Riley.  No matter what happens next, no matter where we end up, it’ll be home because you’re there beside me.  I know that every day will be the best day because you’ll be there to share it with me.  My heart is yours.  It’s been yours since day one.  It’ll be yours long after we’re both gone.  You’re a part of me…the best part.  I love you—yesterday, today, tomorrow, and,” he swallowed as a few more tears cascaded down his cheeks, “forever.”

After he slid the ring on her finger, he looked up into her tear filled eyes.  As soon as the preacher announced that they were husband and wife, they grinned at one another.  Lucas cupped her face in his hands before his lips found hers in a tender kiss that held the promise of a beautiful future filled with nothing but love.

//'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love Not knowing what it was I will not give you up this time//

“Is it better,” Riley asked Maya as the blonde tried to fix her best friend’s makeup after the ceremony.

“Yeah, almost there,” Maya answered as she wiped away the last of the runny mascara.  She reached for the tube as she reapplied it.  “I knew we should have gone for the waterproof.  I knew you both were going to lose it.”

“Ok, I seem to remember you practically wailing when you married Josh,” Lucas defended as Smackle straightened his tie.

“I did not wail,” she protested.

Lucas turned to Josh.  “Tell the truth.”

Josh cringed.  “Lucas, first rule of marriage—never take the opposite side of your wife.”

“Thanks honey,” Maya smiled.  “Ok, Riles.  Now, we can take pictures and get to the party.”

“How do you want to do this,” Farkle asked the couple.

“I was thinking that the photographer can do all the group stuff, and then go to the reception while…while Maya helps us take some couple pictures.”

Maya frowned.  “Me?”

“Yeah,” she smiled as she reached for her hand.  “No one can capture us better.”  She glanced around the room.  “Besides…it’s the library.  It only feels right to have you do it.”

“I married such a brilliant woman,” Lucas smiled as he closed the space between him and Riley.  He wrapped his arms around her waist.  “Hey, Mrs. Friar.”

She grinned.  “Hey Dr. Friar.”

“You ok?”

She pressed her lips to his.  “Never been better.”

//But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own And in your eyes, you're holding mine//

“Ok, Riles.  We have about twenty minutes.  What did you have in mind?”

Riley smiled as she walked over to a book bag Farkle brought in for her. She pulled out a farily large book and wandered back to her husband and best friend.  “Candids.  I don’t want to pose.  I want this to feel real.”  She showed the book to Lucas.

“Tales of Human Interaction,” he read before he looked up at her.

“Too cheesy?”

He shook his head.  “Just the perfect amount.”

“As long as you too don’t consummate anything on the table, then I’m ok with whatever you want to do.”  Maya smiled as she reached for her camera.  She wasn’t as good with photography as she was with art, but she was comfortable behind the camera.  Riley and she had taken a few photography classes when they attended NYU, so she at least knew the mechanics of the art form.

Riley sat the book down on the table as Lucas took a seat in front of it.  Maya snapped a few pictures of them re-reading the pages of the book that brought them together nearly a decade and a half ago.  After Lucas read one particular line, he looked up at Riley.  Maya took a picture at that exact moment.  She didn’t need to look at it again to know that would easily be one of the best pictures of the day.  It encompassed everything about them that she loved.  Their connection had always been strong.  She had never seen either of them as happy as they did in that moment, and that meant everything to her.

//Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song//

Lucas thought for sure that his smile couldn’t get any bigger, but when the DJ announced the newly crowned husband and wife as they entered the reception, he was fairly certain the whole room could see every single tooth in his mouth.  He couldn’t wipe the grin from his face, even if he tried.  

He was grateful that most of the guests had already eaten by the time they arrived.  He couldn’t sit still if he tried to, and he didn’t have an appetite.  All he wanted was to be by her side.  All he wanted to do was to engrain every second of this day into his memory.

“Would it be weird if we stepped out for a moment while everyone finished eating,” she whispered to him.  “I’m not hungry at all, but I’d really love a moment alone with you.”

He leaned in to whisper in her ear.  “I was thinking the exact same thing.”  He offered his hand to her.  She smiled as she took it.

//When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight//

He thought about going back to the part of the library where they took the pictures, but he knew that would be the first place they would look for them.  He knew they couldn’t be long, but he desperately wanted a few minutes with her.

“The girls’ dressing room,” she told him as they walked down the end of the hallway.

Neither said a word until Riley closed the door behind him.  She quickly spun the lock.  “They may know we’re in here, but at least they can’t just barge in.”  She turned around.  “Hey.”

He smiled as he reached for her.  “Hey.”

“This is all I want,” she murmured as he wrapped his arms around her.  She closed her eyes as she simply breathed in this moment with him.

“Well,” he smirked, “Maybe not all.”

She smiled.  “Enough for now,” she amended.  They stood like that for a long moment before she pulled back from him.  “This actually happened, right? We’re married?”

He nodded.  “Too late to back out now,” he teased.

“I would never,” she said as she started to play with his tie.  “Riley Friar,” she mused.

“Sounds perfect to me,” he responded.  “Riley Friar.  I could say that a thousand times and never get tired of it.”

“That’s good, because that’s my name now.”  She wrapped her arms around his neck.  “I love you, Lucas.”

“Say it again,” he smiled.

“I love you.”  She looked into his eyes.  “Thank you for not giving up on me…even when I told you to.”

“I couldn’t,” he answered simply.  “I meant what I said earlier.  You’re a part of me…the best part.  You taught me how to have hope…to believe in something…to fight.”

“You’ll never have to fight alone.”  She pressed her lips to his in a gentle kiss.  “We’ve been planning this thing for about a year now.  Now that it’s finally here and almost over, what happens next?”

He smiled.  “I was thinking that maybe we can stay at Farkle’s for awhile longer…until you finish school.  That’ll give me some time to set up my practice, get established.”

“Then?”

“Whatever you want,” he smiled.  “Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do.  I only want to be where you are.”

“You stole my answer,” she smiled.  “Maybe in a few years we can find a place outside of the city.  I wouldn’t mind having a yard, a little space.”  She paused.  “Maybe…maybe a few kids.”

He grinned as he reached for her left hand.  He brought it up to his lips as they began to gently sway back and forth.  They couldn’t hear any music, but that didn’t matter to him.  He looked down at her wedding band.  “Kids, huh?”

She smiled.  “Think about it.  A little boy running around.  Wild, free, with a heart as big as his father’s.”

“A heart like this mother’s you mean.  You taught me how to love, Riley.  If I have a big heart, it’s because of you.”  He paused as his eyes lifted back to hers.  “Everything good in me is because of you.”

//Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home//

“You need to give yourself more credit,” she told him.  “You carried us…for four years…you are the reason why we are standing here right now.  You are the reason why we have a future to begin with.  I wish I had your strength.  I wish I had the hope you have.”  She paused.  “You once told me that I had lost my ability to believe in us, but I think it was bigger than that.  I lost myself.  The only time I felt…even remotely like myself was when I was around you.”  She took a deep breath.  “And that scared me, Lucas.  It scared me to know that even after trying to push you away…after trying to convince myself that it was the best thing for both of us…that I still wanted to be with you…that I still loved you.  I needed some connection to you.  I think that’s why I suggested the friends with benefit thing.  I thought it would be easier to control my emotions if I could have that connection with you without…without telling you how I felt.”

“And I was so desperate to keep that connection that I agreed to it.”  He rested his forehead against hers as they swayed to the music.  “It doesn’t matter how we got here, Riley.  It only matters that we’re here.  We’re together.  We’re married.”

//I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets To carry love, to carry children of our own//

He knew when they got back to the reception that they would be pulled in opposite directions for most of the evening.  It was ok.  He knew that everyone there wanted to offer their support and congratulations and he wanted to thank every single person for coming and being a part of their day.

He just hated that he couldn’t stay near her.  It all felt so raw, so fresh.  He was afraid that if his eyes left her for a second, that she would disappear or he would wake up in his old dorm room in Texas.

As he spoke with the guests, he couldn’t help but to watch her as she spoke with members of her family.  When she smiled, he smiled.  When she laughed, he lightly chuckled.  It was as if her emotions were his emotions.  She had completely hypnotized him.  

When her eyes met his across the room, he fell in love with her all over again.

//We are still kids, but we're so in love Fighting against all odds I know we'll be alright this time//

When the DJ announced that it was time for their first dance as husband and wife, Lucas felt his heart skip a beat.  Husband and wife.  They made it.  Riley had accepted his proposal nearly two years ago, so he had plenty of time to get used to the idea of it, but for the last two years, he often wondered if it was all a dream.  Even after he moved in with her a year ago, he often wondered if he would wake up one morning and realize that he had actually tumbled into the worst version of hell he could ever imagine.

But that didn’t happen.  Every morning, he woke up next to the only woman he had ever loved.  Every night, he held her close as they were both whisked away to a dream world that could never be as beautiful as the life they shared together.

Admittedly, he wasn’t looking forward to everyone watching him dance with her.  Dancing had never been his strongest area, but if it gave him a few minutes with her, if it made her smile, then he was more than willing to do it.

As soon as he held her hand in his, he relaxed.  As he wrapped his arm around her waist, it felt like he was home.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you all night,” she said as he looked into his eyes.

“I feel the exact same way,” he answered as they began to move across the dance floor.

“Promise me something,” she nearly whispered.

“Anything.���

“Promise me that, at the end of the day, we’ll always be as happy as we are right now.  No matter what comes next.  Even if we get into a horrible argument over something ridiculous like whose turn it is to do the dishes…promise me that you’ll love me as much as you do right now.”

He paused as he stared into her eyes.  “I can’t,” he finally told her.  When her eyebrows pulled together in confusion, he smiled.  “From the day we met, my feelings for you have only grown.  I don’t think getting married is going to suddenly place a ceiling on that.”  He smiled.  “What I can promise you is this: I will love you more and more everyday.  I know that the joy I feel right now is only going to grow over time.  I’m going to be happier tomorrow than I am today, and happier still the day after that.”  He gently squeezed her hip.  “And in fifty years, when we’re celebrating our golden anniversary, I can guarantee you—with our family around us—that there was never a day when I loved you less, where I was any less happy than the day before.”  

//Darling, just hold my hand Be my girl, I'll be your man I see my future in your eyes//

“You are the most important thing in the world to me,” he continued.  “I know that the happiness I feel right now is only the beginning.”  He placed a gentle kiss to her lips before he rested his forehead against hers.  “I love you, Riley Matthews.”

“Friar,” she gently corrected as she smiled.  “I’m Riley Friar now.”

He chuckled.  “Say it again.  Tell me this isn’t a dream.”

She smiled.  “My name, sweet husband of mine, is Riley Friar…and this is no dream.”  She rested her head on his shoulder as they continued their dance.  “No dream could ever be this perfect.”

Lucas noticed a flash at that moment.  He looked up and noticed Maya on the upper level, camera in hand.  He didn’t have to see the picture to know that it would be the best one taken from the day.  

//Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song//

All too quickly, their dance was over.  They spent the next several songs dancing with various family members and friends.  Once again, they were pulled to opposite sides of the room.  It wasn’t until Farkle and Zay gathered everyone around for the toasts that they were able to stand beside one another.

Lucas placed his arm around Riley’s waist as the DJ handed Maya the microphone.  “This going to be bad, isn’t it?”

Riley grinned.  “She’s been writing this for two years…that I know of.  This is her one chance to publicly air out everything.”  She looked up at him.  “Yeah.  It’s going to be bad.”

“Hey everyone,” the blonde began as she looked across the crowd.  “I’ve been working on this speech for…awhile now…but honestly…I don’t think I’m going to use it.”  She stuffed the piece of paper back into the pocket of her dress.  “Most of you know how the bride and groom met, but for those of you who don’t…when we were younger, Riley and I used to ride the subway to school.  Well, on one particular day, we magically reached the age where Riley’s parents finally agreed to let us ride the it by ourselves.”  She smiled as she looked at Cory and Topanga.  “So, I guess we have you to thank for this story,” she chuckled.  “Anyway, Riley and I get on the subway, and she goes off on one of her tangents about becoming more like me…because…who wouldn’t want to be like me,” she laughed.  “Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this guy who had been periodically looking at us.  So, I decided to approach him.”  She paused.  “I honestly don’t even remember what was actually said, but what I do remember is walking back to Riley, and telling her that if she wanted to be like me, then she needed to not think about what she was doing.  I pulled her hand away from the pole just as the subway stopped.  Now, if you know Riley, you know that she isn’t the most graceful person in the world, so she went flying backward.  If you don’t know the story, you probably think I’m the worst friend on the planet right about now, but something…something inside of me told me that this perfect stranger would catch her.”  She paused as she looked at Lucas.  “He did.  And that’s how Riley and Lucas began.”  

She turned back to the crowd.  “I know everyone here has their own stories about Riley, Lucas, and them as a couple.  We’ve all been fortunate enough to know these two, and to be a witness to their incredible journey.  At one point, no one thought they would ever be in the same room again, let alone get married, but…here we are.”  She turned to the couple.  “You’re perfect for one another.  I’ve known it for a very long time…even after the break up.  You make each other better by just being around one another.  I think that’s what love really is.  I-I don’t feel the need to wish you both happiness and love in your life ahead, because every single person here knows that’s a given.”  She smiled.  “What I am going to wish for you is a life that you both have earned.  You took the long road to get here, and now that you are here, I want nothing but the best for you.”  She smiled.  “Huckleberry, I know you’re going to take good care of her.  I wouldn’t have let her go if I had an ounce of doubt.”  She swallowed.  “And Riles?  I can’t wait for our future children to become best friends and experience the world the way we did.  I love you both.  Congratulations.”

The crowd lifted their glasses as they toasted the couple.  Riley wiped her eyes as Maya walked down the stage and over to them.  “I love you,” the brunette told the blonde as she hugged her.

“Love you too, Riles,” Maya responded as she pulled back.  She turned to Lucas.  “You’re the only person in the world I trust to take care of her…because I think you love her almost as much as I do.”

He wanted to correct her, to insist that he loved her more, but it was an argument that no one would ever win.  Instead, he hugged Maya and assured her that he would.

It was the easiest promise he ever would make.  

//When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight//

“How are we ever going to top that one,” Zay asked Farkle, who stood next to him on the stage.  He looked down at the microphone in front of him.  “Damn Maya,” he said as he brought the device to his mouth, “Thanks for hitting that home run.”

Riley crossed her arms over her chest as she reached for Lucas’s hands who were wrapped around her waist.  “I think this is the one we need to worry about,” she whispered.

Lucas kissed the top of her head.  “We probably have it coming.”  He paused.  “We did fool around on Zay’s bed that one time.”

“Oh God,” she groaned as she turned back to the stage.

“I think it’s safe to say that between Maya and us, we’ve spent a good chunk of our lives wrapped up in the story that is Riley and Lucas,” Farkle smiled.  “We’ve waited for this day for just as long as they have…maybe even longer.”

“They’re both very stubborn people,” Zay added.  “The two most stubborn people I’ve ever met.  They’re also incredibly self-sacrificial…which makes for a lethal combination.”

Farkle chuckled.  “Yeah, we’ve had to save them from themselves how many times now?”

“So many times that they should name their children after us.”

“Farkle Isaiah Friar?”  Farkle cringed.  “That poor child.”

“What about Isaiah Farkle Friar?”  Zay winced.  “Ok.  Ok, you two are off the hook on that one.”  He paused as the crowd laughed.  “Anyway…these two people, who we all love…nearly destroyed every shred of happiness they ever had all in the name of trying to protect one another.”  He paused.  “That’s…incredibly stupid…but, it’s also incredibly beautiful if you really think about it.  They were willing to give up what made them the happiest in order to make the other person happy.”

“They just failed to recognize the fact that what made the other person the happiest was simply being together.”

Zay nodded.  “You know, I’ve got to hand it to Maya for trying to push them back together at that party a few years ago…you know…after they led us all to believe they hadn’t seen or even talked to one another in four years.”

“Here we go,” Lucas groaned loud enough so only Riley heard it.  

“But little did we know that Lucas and Riley had seen one another since then…on multiple occasions.”

“I knew we should have made my cousin the best man,” Lucas told his wife.

Riley turned her head to look at Lucas.  “And I thought we had to worry about Maya.”

“They hid it…from everyone,” Farkle told the group.  “We all thought that they couldn’t stand the sight of one another anymore, when the truth was…that they loved each other so much that it physically hurt them to be in the same room with a bunch of prying eyes around.  I once asked Lucas why they felt the need to sneak around…and his answer made all the sense in the world.  He told me that he only really felt like himself when he was with her.  He was afraid that if everyone knew, that it would be like middle school all over again…that they would have to figure out all of the answers immediately, and he knew that she wasn’t ready for that.”  He glanced at Lucas.  “You have always put her first…even when it meant breaking your own heart over and over again.  You were willing to be whatever she needed you to be.”  

Farkle looked around the room as he took a moment to compose his thoughts.  “Sometimes at weddings, I’ll hear people whispering and wondering how long the marriage will last or if the couple actually loves one another.  It’s pretty disgusting, actually, because you’re supposed to be there to celebrate the love between two people, not to bet on the duration of the relationship.  I can honestly say, that in all my conversations tonight, no one has even hinted of this marriage not lasting…and it’s because we know this couple.  We’ve celebrated their highs and cried with them during their lows.  The love they share for one another is so deep that you can feel it whenever you’re around them.  When Isadora and I were in high school, we often pondered the concept of love.  She and I were, and still are, people of science and love seemed to be this abstract concept that couldn’t possibly be measured or defined.  One day, we all sat around Riley’s mom’s bakery, and…that’s when we saw it.”  He paused.  “We were kids then—fifteen years old—and love was such a foreign concept to all of us, but we saw the hope they had for one another, for their relationship, and it blew us away.  Even with the knowledge that it could end one day, they still gave their hearts to one another.”  He turned to the couple.  “You showed us what love was.  You opened that door for us, and there is nothing I could ever do to properly thank you guys.  I know your life together is going to be amazing.  Thank you for making me part of the story.”

“When I first moved here, I thought Lucas and I could just pick back up where we left off in Texas.”  Zay smiled.  “You see, he and I used to get into trouble sometimes.  Well, I would get into trouble and he would always bail me out.  When I got here, I noticed that he had changed.  He seemed to have a more level head on his shoulders.  He seemed happier.  He wasn’t the angry kid who used to run back to Texas every weekend he could.  This guy now called New York his home.  It didn’t take me long to figure out who had changed my best friend.”  He smiled at Riley.  “Maya is right.  Love should make you better, and these two are the best versions on themselves when they’re together.  I could get into the details of their reconciliation and how we all found out about their little side relationship,” he smirked at the couple, “and I do owe them a little payback for something, but if there is one thing these two have taught me…it’s that there is a proper time and place for everything.”

Riley and Lucas laughed.

“Before I moved here, I thought no one in the world could be like Lucas.  The guy would do anything for his friends…even getting kicked out of school for a year just to protect his loud mouth best friend.”  He looked at the crowd.  “But then I met Riley.  She’s…unreal.  She would take a bullet for anyone in this room without hesitation.  She would, and has, given up everything she wanted in order to make someone else happy.  She tried to hide from her feelings for Lucas—not only once, but twice—because she thought it was the best decision for everyone.  That’s who Riley is.  She’d sacrifice her happiness in order to see everyone else find joy.”  He looked at the bride.  “I’m here to tell you, today, that you can’t do that anymore.  Your happiness is linked to his…and that happiness is tied to every single person in this room.  You’ve spent your whole life making sure that those around you are happy.  Now, let me speak for everyone when I say that you being happy is what makes us happy.  So be happy, Riley.  Be a little selfish.”  He turned to Lucas.  “And I don’t even have to ask you to make sure she’s happy, because I know you do nothing without thinking about her first.”  He raised his glass.  “I love you both.  You’ve set an impossible standard, but I hope to find that kind of love one day.”

//Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song//

Before they knew it, the night was over.  The magical day they had waited nearly a lifetime for was done, but they knew the real fairytale was about to begin—the ‘happily ever after’ part.  

They hugged all of their loved ones as they made their way to the limousine that would take them to their hotel for the evening.  In the morning, they would be well on their way to their honeymoon destination, Paris of all places.  When he initially questioned her about the choice, she assured him that it was time to make new memories.  She wanted to go back to the city that had once destroyed them and replace every bittersweet second with nothing but sweet, loving memories.

As soon as the driver shut the door, Lucas leaned close to her.  He cupped her cheeks in his hands as he placed his lips against hers.  “I love you.”  He knew he had already said it about a hundred times that day, but he couldn’t help it.  The only emotion he was capable of at that moment was love—love for her.

“I love you,” she smiled against his lips.  “Now, the real fun begins.”

He smirked as he pulled away from her.  He glanced around the space.  “You have a thing for limos, don’t you?”

She playfully swatted at his arm.  “Not at all what I meant,” she smiled despite the blush that crept up on her cheeks.  She was well aware of the fact that he was referring to the last limo ride they shared.  “Besides, it’s not going to take 45 minutes to get to the hotel.  More like 15.”

“Well, Mrs. Friar, my only plans for the evening consist of showing you over and over again just how happy you make me.”  His lips slowly descended to her neck.

Riley took a shaky breath.  “We have an early flight tomorrow.”

“We can sleep on the plane,” he answered as he planted kisses along the column of her neck.

“This is so not fair,” she breathed as his hands slid across her bare back.

“You know last time we were in a limo, we played by your rules.”

“And you didn’t complain,” she smiled.

“This time, let’s play by mine.”

She raised an eyebrow.  “Dr. Friar.  We have about twelve minutes until we reach the hotel.  What do you propose?”

He lifted his head as his gaze caught hers.  “That I get to spend the next 11 minutes and 30 seconds kissing every inch of you that isn’t covered up by that gown, and when we get to the room, you let me spend the next several hours getting properly acquainted with the new Mrs. Friar.”

“Sounds perfect,” she practically purred as her lips brushed against his.

//I have faith in what I see Now I know I have met an angel in person And she looks perfect//

As soon as Lucas got out of the limo, he offered his hand to his bride to help her get out.  He looped her arm through his as they walked through the lobby.  After checking into their room, they were escorted to the top floor.  Lucas tipped the bellboy as soon as they reached the door.  The bellboy assured him that all of their luggage was already in the room and that everything had been set up to his specifications.

Riley furrowed her eyebrows at the comment, but said nothing as the bellboy left.  Lucas inserted the key into the door.  Riley tried to take a step forward, but he stopped her.  “I know it’s not our apartment, but tradition is tradition,” he smiled before he scooped her up in his arms.  “I’ve been waiting a very long time to do this, Mrs. Friar,” he smiled as he carried her over the threshold.

Riley smiled at him before the soft glow of the room diverted her attention.  “Lucas,” she breathed when she saw the lit candles and flowers throughout the entire suite.

“I thought rose petals would be too cheesy,” he said as he slowly lowered her to the ground, “but I wanted the room filled with all of your favorite flowers.”

“They’re beautiful,” she smiled.  “And the candles?”

“I needed to have a little bit of cheese,” he chuckled.  “I wanted to set a relaxing mood.”

She raised an eyebrow at him.  “Relaxing?  I thought that we were—“

“We have all the time in the world,” he smiled.  “Right now, I want to make sure that after all the planning and after the craziness of the day, that you could relax for awhile.  There is a bubble bath waiting for you in the bathroom.”

She smiled.  “Really?”

He nodded.

She began to play with his tie.  “Are you going to be joining me?”

He took a deep breath.  “There is nothing I want more, but right now, I want you to relax, and I can guarantee that not much relaxing would happen if we both got in.”  He smiled.  “Besides, room service should be up soon, and at least one of us should be clothed to answer the door.”

“Room service?”

“Neither of us ate at the wedding, and I’m sure once you’ve had a few minutes to unwind, you’ll find your appetite.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck.  He always found a new way to surprise her with his thoughtfulness.  She definitely felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  “I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve so much more,” he said as he kissed her. After a moment, he forced himself to pull away from her.  “We’ve rushed through so much of our time together…but not anymore.  Now, we have all the time in the world.”  He took a deep breath as he memorized the image of her in that wedding dress.  He knew that between Maya and the photographer, that they had a million pictures to remember the day, but the soft glow of the candlelight made Riley appear positively heavenly.  She was his saving grace.  She was the reason he was the man he was today.  She was everything.

And he was going to spend every day for the rest of his life making sure she knew just how loved she was.

//I don't deserve this You look perfect tonight//

[katdvs]

Lucas Friar moved back to Texas at 17, now he’s running for Mayor of Rosewood Springs so best friend Zay and little sister Gigi decide he needs a little help from a political consultant.

Riley Matthews found her calling, she found a fiancé, but she never expected to find herself here, of all places.

Cross-posted to FF.net | Soundtrack

-the moon that moves your tides- | -basics of you and me- | -rather hurt than feel nothing at all- | -taste of love oh bittersweet-

Author Note: Sorry this is up so late tonight, it was a random babysitting day with the nephew, and if it was up to him Aunt Kat would never have her laptop open or be on her phone unless it’s to show him videos and pictures of him being cute. And then well I had to listen to ÷ and I got sucked into a Jenny Han book... I did get asked about a dream cast list for this, so I’ll post one on tumblr this weekend. Next chapter will be up on March 6th, so Monday!

-time to face my weakness-

“Riley” his voice cut through her body, cut through the noise of the crowd around them, the slot machines as far as the eye could see.

She spun towards him, her heart rapidly beating. The tight V-neck t-shirt across his broad chest which had just gotten broader over the last few years, the sparkle of his green eyes. She felt his arms slip around her, lift her off the ground and spin her around before his lips crashed onto hers as though it were the most natural thing in the world for him to just kiss her.

She snaked her arms around him, fingers fluffing the hair at the back of his neck as she returned the kiss. She’d missed this, him, damn it why hadn’t she gone to Texas A&M after all instead of NYU and George Washington?

She pulled her lips from his first kissing his jawline, his facial hair tickling her lips as she moved towards his ear, “Lucas, don’t let me go, don’t ever let me go.”

He held her still as he set her down, the two still embraced, his eyes wet with tears, “I miss you Riley, I still love you.”

Her stomach flip-flopped, her heart swelled, “I still love you, I miss you every moment of every day.”

“We should talk, just us.” He told her before kissing her once more.

His room was just a few floors below Riley’s as he pushed the door open she pulled him into it, kissing him, feeling him push her up against the wall, kissing every inch of her body that he could find exposed.

“Are you still a virgin?” She pulled away from him, remembering all the images she’d seen on his Instagram account before she unfollowed him, tried to pretend he no longer existed.

She watched as he ran his hand over his hair, “I’ve done oral, but never actual sex.”

She could see the fear in his eyes, “Same” she confessed, it had been years since they were together, he moved on and so had she.

Lucas reached for her, “I want you as my first and my only.”

She let her fingers trial up his chest before her eyes focused on his, “Don’t make a promise you don’t intend to keep or can’t keep.”

His hands moved down her body, “You are my heart, my missing piece. If you let me make love to you here and now, I am yours forever, and I will make it legal tomorrow at the chapel of your choice.”

“Lucas” she turned away, still caught in his touch, “I’m in D.C. and you’re in Texas, we can’t be married.”

“Yes, we can, we only have another year of school left, right?” His fingers moved the hair from hiding her eyes, “I can apply to Grad School near D.C. or wherever you are, I love you Riley, if you’ll have me, I will move heaven and earth to be wherever you are.”

These were the words she’d been silently dying to hear for years, words she never thought she would, “I could move to Texas once I graduate, you can go to Vet school and I could find a job, doing something, I don’t even know what I want to do still.”

“We’ll figure it all out” he smiled watching the way her eyes lit up before she kissed him, her fingers slipping under his shirt.

Lost in the fever, lost in the moment as they shed their clothes, explored parts they hadn’t touched in years and finally succumb to the desires they’d locked away. He kissed his way along her back, feeling her shiver under each touch of his lips.

She took his hand, kissing the palm several times before moving up his arm to his neck as her legs wrapped around him.

Neither spoke, they just looked in the other’s eyes as they braced for the moment, when two became one.

Riley sat up in bed, her heart racing, her body sweaty and cold at the same time as she tried to adjust to where she was. The sun was already rising and she found her phone, along with fifteen missed calls, eight from Dave, three from Maya, one from Isadora, and two from Farkle.

Texas.

Lucas.

Her ring?

Riley looked at her hand, then it all made sense again, she’d had some kind of allergic reaction to her ring. Lucas gave her a Benadryl before passing out.

Yes.

That’s why she’d had that dream.

That’s why she’d allowed her memory to let it through.

It was the only explanation possible.

She dug her shower supplies out of her bag before grabbing her towel and going down the hall. The house was quiet still, she wasn’t honestly sure if it was because everyone else was asleep or because they were out doing chores. She was really going to have to get a schedule and if she was going to stick around find a way to help out where she could.

The water was exactly the pressure Riley had been craving after spending the last several months in a California hotel.

How was she going to do this? How was she going to help Lucas when all she wanted to do was get away from him?

That was a lie.

Part of her wished she was the type of woman who could break his heart on purpose. Make him fall in love with her, get him hot and bothered, and then leave him waiting for her outside a wedding chapel.

No, she was still lying to herself.

Part of her, a tiny part buried deep down, one she ignored most days, wanted him. Wished that he’d thrown her over his shoulder yesterday and brought her to his bedroom, locking them in, tearing her clothes off, making her his once again.

Part of her craved him, not sex, him. His touch, his kiss, his moans, his grunts, the taste of him, the way he made her feel.

No other man ever made her think like that, crave that sort of thing.

Not her college boyfriend Jeremy from her senior year, no he only made her climax if she thought about Lucas.

Not Alan who she’d met while working for her Uncle that first year out of college.

Certainly, not Dave.

But she loved Dave, if she didn’t why on earth would she have accepted his proposal?

Because Lucas Friar was her past, and she never expected to see him again.

Yet here she was, standing naked under the showerhead in a bathroom in his house. She could wrap a towel around her body, slip down the hall into his bedroom, join him in bed.

It would be easy to get lost in that with him once more.

But it would be far too hard to get untangled from the web of pain and lies it would create.

Besides, even if Lucas didn’t remember it, she was the first official notch in his headboard, and she had no intention of giving him the pleasure he’d once received from her. No, Lucas Friar had had her and forgotten, then stood her up outside the wedding chapel.

She closed her eyes, feeling the sting of hot tears.

She hadn’t cried about it in years.

Lucas had used her for sex. He had to know it was her, saying he forgot cleared him of the guilt, and got him off the hook for standing her up.

He’d made a promise he’d had no intention of keeping.

She scrubbed her body clean, trying to hold back the tears. He wasn’t worth them.

When she was done, she piled her hair into a towel and got dressed in jeans, a basic black t-shirt, and her favorite pair of keds.

The house was still quiet, she grabbed her phone, seeing a new voicemail from Dave, and another from Maya. She went out to the front porch and called Maya first.

“Hey, you called four times.” Riley sighed as she took in the view around her, it was beautiful with the golden morning sun painting the day around her.

“Yeah, I heard something crazy last night and I refuse to believe it’s true.”

Riley could practically hear Maya laughing already, “What did you hear?”

“That you not only used the words blow job, whore, and cock at the dinner table last night, you also did a demonstration.”

“You talked to Zay huh?”

“Actually Farkle.”

“Great, just wonderful.” Riley sighed, “I did, it just kind of happened. I don’t know I was just angry and wanted to shut him down.”

“So, you’re really in Texas at Lucas’ ranch?”

“Yeah, I haven’t told Dave yet.” Riley ran her finger over where her engagement ring had been, the swelling gone and the rash already clearing.

“So, I take it theirs...tension? What’s his wife like, or better yet how much does she hate you?”

“Yes, theirs tension, that would be an understatement. He’s not married, but you probably knew that already.”

“Okay fine, how badly do you want him to just take you somewhere and fuck you until you couldn’t possibly fuck again?”

“Maya, that is an awful question!”

“And I have my answer.” She chuckled.

“I’m going to try and find someone else to help him. I’m not sure I’m comfortable dealing with cleaning up his past sexual escapades.” Riley looked towards the door, “He says he doesn’t remember who he slept with in Las Vegas.”

“Ouch, that has got to hurt.”

“Not as much as it did when I waited for him and he didn’t show up.” Riley blinked back the tears, “I um, I gotta call Dave. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way back to New York, I shouldn’t be here more than a few days.”

“When’s the election?”

“November, why?”

“I’ll see you in November.”

Before Riley could protest she realized that Maya had hung up on her.

She took a moment before she dialed Dave’s number, “Hey, sorry I missed your calls.”

“Are you okay? Isadora would only say that you’ll be in Texas until November.”

Riley rolled her eyes, “I uh probably won’t be gone that long at all. I’m not sure this client needs the Riley Matthews touch.”

“Everyone needs the Riley Matthews touch.”

Riley cringed as she heard him trying to sound sexy, “Um, weird question, you have the insurance policy for the ring, right? Nothing has happened, but just in case it does, you got it when you got the ring at Tiffany’s right?”

“Yeah of course babe, it’s covered. What makes you so sure you won’t be gone for long on this?”

“I just um, I think someone else might be what the client needs, but I’ll figure it out first.” She felt that nagging knot in the pit of her stomach. “I gotta go, we’ll talk later when I know more.”

“I love you Riley.”

“I love you Dave.” The words felt wrong as she spoke them, and that alone was enough reason for her to get as far away from Lucas Friar, from Texas as soon as possible.

The screen door opened, Lucas came out in well-worn jeans, a sports gray t-shirt, “Um, Coffee is ready if you want some.”

“Thanks, that would be wonderful.” She rose from where she’d been sitting, walking through the door.

“Did you sleep okay?” He watched her, trying to ignore the obvious that she’d been talking to Dave and the jealousy bubbling inside of him.

“Not really, I always have weird dreams when I take Benadryl.” She looked away from him as they moved through the living room to the kitchen, “What about you, did you sleep okay?”

“Like a baby” a baby that as up all night, crying and screaming. She’d invaded his thoughts, he’d felt anger boiling inside of him all night. At times, he wanted to go wake her up and demand to know why she seemed so angry at him, but then he got scared.

Scared that she wasn’t angry at him.

Scared of possible comfort that could be sought from each other.

Scared that he could give in.

Scared that she would give in.

[introvertseriesff]

Welcome to the Complication

Part One

Artemis

Well this was a bit of a bad idea. For weeks, Dustin has been hounding me about going to some party that his homie was throwing. I told him no, but I should have known better. Now I am standing in front of this mirror, trying to figure out if this outfit is cute, or am I too big to fit in it. Either way, it’s coming off. The purple bodycon dress hit the floor before I walked over to my closet. What do I wear? I mean let’s go over what kind of party this is, shall we? It’s a dank ass house party down on Pine Street. Dustin’s homie is a pothead, who also happens to be his plug. So that purple dress is a no and so is the rest of my clothes. I want to look different, you know? I want to look sexy. Mysterious. But I am a size 20 in jeans and double X large in shirts. So sexy is a bit out for me. I know Isadora would say different, but her size 10 to my 20 isn’t exactly comparable. But whatever. I glanced at my clock. I had about 20 minutes exactly before Dustin came busting through the door. And if I let him dress me, I will run. So with a quick decision, I pulled on a pair of dark gray leggings with a white long sleeve tunic. Outfits require the best socks. I slipped my white socks with the chipmunks onto my toes, and in went my feet in my white Keds. Looking in the mirror, I smiled.

“Not bad Ms. Walton.” I said to myself.

“That’s a cute outfit.”

I looked over my shoulder. Dustin’s 5’11 slim frame stood in my bedroom doorway. He had on black jeans with a light blue American Eagle hoodie. His black Addias were spotless as usual.

“What’s up?” I asked, looking for my keys.

“Nothing much. I must say; I am so glad you are already dressed and ready. Usually there is this big ordeal to get you to go somewhere, but this time there isn’t. I am so proud of you.” He beamed.

I rolled my eyes. “Your idea of fun is strange.”

“Regular normal people like to go out and party. Not go to an Art museum and then to Starbucks to sit in a corner with their friends. And not speak to them. At all. Like total silence.”

“Lies, we have plenty of great conversations.”

“No, we, as in me, Dora, and Reggie have a plenty of great conversations. You just chime in random for about three seconds and then continue to blast Busta Rhymes so loud in your headphones, people from three streets down can hear it.”

“Whatever Dustin. I am going to a stupid ass house party, and can’t find my keys tho,” I frowned.

He held his hand and jiggled my keys. Damn. I was hoping I would get out of this.

“They was in the same spot you always leave them. On the couch. Let’s go. I gotta pick up Reggie. You know how she hate being late.”

With my head down, I followed my best friend.

Regina

My music was loud as hell, but I didn’t care. It’s a Friday, and I had a long week. The office has been on edge since we lost a client due to someone’s errors. But we managed to get things under order. Now, it is time to party. I glanced at my watch. Dustin and Artie should be on their way now. I looked at myself in the mirror again. These new jeans from ASOS were looking real nice on my hips. They are a pale rose pink color, while my shirt is light gray. My shirt color was an excellent choice because I am wearing my gray Nikes. I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my phone and keys. I quickly went over everything I needed.

“Keys, money, phone, set alarm and make sure Tay has food.” I told myself.

Tay is my turtle. Artie thought it would be a great 23rd birthday gift. And it was. I wasn’t sure about the little guy at first, but he grew on me. Plus it went with my idea about exotic creatures. I fed Tay and set the alarm. I had a break in a couple years back, and I haven’t been the same since. Got this alarm and felt secure ever since then. With the alarm set, I walked out my door. I smiled. Loud rap music was making its way down my street. They had arrived. I locked my door and ran to the car. They stopped just as I reached the curb. The window rolled down.

“What’s good Reg?!” Dustin’s grin spread across his face.

“Nothing much kid. What’s good Artie?!!” I kissed her cheek.

She smiled. “Going to a party I don’t want to go to.”

I laughed. Classic Artemis. We all know that she hates going out, but we always had a good time. Once she get a few shots, she will be alright.

“We gone have fun. Open the door Dee,” I said reaching for the back door.

I hoped in.

“Somebody call Dora and tell her to be outside. Y’all know how she be.” Dustin said lowering the music.

“Oh we know.” I and Artie said at the same time.

Dee laughed as he turned Big Sean all the way. And we were off.

Isadora

My phone went off. That means they on they way. I sighed. These leggings are cute, but I think my other outfit is better. It’s a black off the shoulder Capri body suit. Perfect for looking sexy, cool and house party. Plus I had just got these new booties. Yeah they were 6 inches, but they are cute and I want to wear them so bad. Plus they are open toe, so I won’t have sweaty feet. I thank God for always making me get my toes done. Pedicures are life and if someone doesn’t think so, they feet ugly. Plain and simple. Those shoes, the body suit and a nude sweatshirt scream perfection. I stripped out my current outfit and put on the bodysuit. I would date me. I gave myself a once over as the horn blew. Shit, they here already. I opened my window.

“I’m coming! Chill!” I yelled at them.

Dustin had his top down. They all looked up at me. Artie blew me a kiss, Reggie grinned and Dustin waved. Damn his music was loud. I shook my head. I shut my window and went back to my bed. Making sure I had everything, I turned my lights off and left my room. My son Jay was sitting down on the floor eating fruit snacks. His cousin, Amanda, sat next him. My grandma on the couch, was absorbed into the show they was watching. I looked at the screen. Adventure Time was on. Dang, it would come on as I am leaving. Love this show.

“Alright y’all, I gotta go. Be good for Grandma. See y’all later.”

Jay got up and gave me a hug. I love this little boy more then anything.

“Have fun mom.” Jay a=said with a grin.

“Awwww thanks love. Be good, okay?” I kissed his head.

“Okay,” he answered.

“Alright. Amanda, I love you.” I kissed her as well.

“I love you too auntie. Have fun.” She kissed back.

I blew a kiss. She was such a sweetheart. I walked over and gave my grandma a kiss.

“Be careful. You and the other three. Don’t drink nothing y’all ain’t pour ya self. People crazy.” She patted my hand.

“Got chu Grandma. We will be careful.” I hugged her tight.

“Good. Tell Artie I said hi and hi to the other two. Have a great time. Y’all deserve it.”

I gave her a kiss again. “Thanks Grandma. See you later.”

I grabbed a juice from the kitchen and walked outside. The night was young, cool and ready. I ran over to the car and hopped into the back.

“What’s up y’all?!” I greeted.

“Ain’t shit. We about to have a good time. My dude Mark got the super speakers, plus y’all might get a chance to hear my new shit.” Dustin answered.

Reggie groaned. “Is that boy gonna be rapping on your beat again? That nigga trash. Seriously.”

“No, but he is. Like super trash.” Artie agreed.

“Yeah. I mean you mixed the hell out of your tracks man. But that dude, he should just go to college and learn how to fix computers. He can’t rap and his teeth are ugly.” I frowned as I sipped my juice.

“So is his fingernails,” Artie put out there.

“What? Why you looking at his fingernails?” Reggie asked.

“To see if I want his fingers touching me. And I don’t. I don’t want his fingers, his lips or his voice. He should just stay home.” Artie shivered.

“Y’all rude.” Dustin huffed.

“No his rap skills are.” I replied.

“Completely disrespectful.” Reggie chipped in.

Dustin sucked his teeth. “Anyway, y’all might get to hear my newest shit, so let’s go and have fun. Cam got all the liquor on deck, so get y’all drinks and have fun. If y’all behave, I might let y’all hit the blunt a few times.”

“Whatever, just make sure the men are fine.” I smiled.

“I need all corners to be vacant.” Artie giggled.

We laughed.

“Artie you a fool.” Reggie grinned.

Artie turned around and winked. “At least you know.”

Dustin shook his head and turned the big back up. Tonight is gonna be a movie.

[ambitionsource]

character takeover - asher garcia & dylan orlando

So I’m gonna write with this pen, and then you’re going to use the slightly thicker one. This one? Yeah, that one. Okay. I am writing with the bigger pen. Do we always have to write with these? Well, I guess if like, you get asked a specific question and I don’t need to answer, then it doesn’t matter. Why would someone ask me a question and not you? I don’t know, I -- it was just an example. You know I don’t know things, Ash. You know plenty. ... stop, you’re making me blush.

Introduce yourself. Asher Garcia, junior A class. Dylan Orlando, junior A class, kissing expert. (Stop putting that on everything) Am I wrong?? That’s not the point 

What is your creative focus? Production design I’m sure someone will tell me eventually

What from the previous school year are you most proud of? I did the production design for our spring production, Les Mis (or more fondly known as “The Miserables”). It was really challenging because we had to find a cost-effective and compelling way to complete the barricade set, i.e. one of the most iconic set pieces in the history of musical theater. So we had to find a way to pay homage to the classic, but also put our own spin on it. I also wanted to make the stage crew’s job easier when it came to transitions, so I devised a way to sort of make pieces of the set be multi-functional depending on the side but come together to build the barricade in the second act. I mean, it’s not that big a deal since people far smarter than me have done it before, but it felt cool to pull it off for myself and have it come together so well. I actually submitted samples of it to a scholarship program counselor Matthews showed me and won some money for my college fund, so that was really cool. Definitely when I managed to hit Maya Hart with a paint balloon. Oh, also, I finally beat the current standing student record for most cafeteria enchiladas consumed in one lunch period without throwing up, which I think is pretty cool. You also like… continued to grow a pretty popular Youtube channel. And also didn’t get anything below a B in second semester. Oh, yeah! But I still think the Maya paint thing wins.

What about the previous school year would you like to improve upon or change? It was really nice when the techies weren’t at war with the performers. Not because they’re like great friends, but it was just nice to be able to work cooperatively. Everyone was in a better mood. I’d like for that to continue, but just knowing how this summer has been… I don’t know. I’m not optimistic. Yeah, it sucks because Lucas was like way hyped at the end of last year but then all the shit with the Insta page happened and it’s been kind of a mess. But I would also like to see Asher perform more. Not happening. Well… we shall see...

How do you best receive praise? Um, I guess verbally. Like it’s great to hear it expressly stated to me rather than ambiguously, but at the same time, it has to be like… subtle. Like one-on-one. Or else it’s just embarrassing. Like I appreciated when Miss Moore pulled me aside after opening night of The Miserables and told me the set design was really good. She doesn’t pay much attention to the techies a lot of the time, so that was a really nice moment. You guys are getting praise?

How do you prefer to receive criticism? I think constructive criticism is important, but it has to be… well, constructive. It’s all in the delivery. Like when Lucas comes to me and has an honest conversation about my suggested set design and limitations that he thinks we might have in building or implementing it, that I can take. When the performers just shoot shots at each other, it makes me break out in hives. By mail. Written in the blood of the gods, with a feather quill. Must be nearly illegible. If it’s not sealed shut with one of those waxy things that look like Play-Doh, I’m not opening it.

You have an important engagement at 5PM. What time are you arriving at the place? Well, you have to consider a lot of factors. Where is the engagement? How are we getting there? Is it a more casual thing where you’re expected to show up late (although whoever invented the term “fashionably late” owes me emotional compensation), or would being late cause us severe penalty? Either way, I’d aim for us to get there around 4:30, and then we can wait in the parking lot if need be until around 4:50. Whenever Asher says we’re getting there. 

Favorite AAA faculty? Counselor Matthews does a lot of work to watch out for us, and I don’t think that can be overstated. But still, I think I have a lot of respect for Principal Hunter. He does not have an easy job, and so much of what he does goes on behind the scenes and in this understated way where it’s not flashy so people don’t notice, but it makes a huge difference. I feel like I get how that feels, and so I hope he knows he is appreciated even though everyone is just complaining to him about how something didn’t go the way they wanted it to again. Also, he totally let Lucas derail the school for a week during the techie revolution, and that was pretty neat of him. Have you met Janitor Harley? That man is the bomb. He knows so much dirt about the school and also has all these wild stories. He has this pretty obvious scar on his eyebrow where the hair doesn’t grow, and he told Dave and me it’s because he got burned by a Russian spy in the 80s. Also, he like, cleans and stuff. I’m surprised he’s not your favorite, Asher. He cleans, yes. But I’m still sneezing during class because of all the dust in the auditorium. Oh, yeah. I forgot about your Vendetta. THERE COULD BE MITES, DYLAN.

Who are you most excited to see when school is back in session? It’ll be nice to get the whole techie crew together again. We usually do group hang outs during the summer, but things have been kind of… well, people have been busy. Lucas isn’t exactly in a social mood -- except for us -- and Isadora has been changing her social circle a little. Then Dave was in Europe for some reason. I think it was a family trip. They went to Belgium because that’s where his grandparents live. And they like made a trip out of it. I didn’t know Dave’s ancestry was Belgian. I guess. I don’t know, he just kept talking about how excited he was to eat waffles for every meal. Of course he did. 

Who are you most hoping to avoid? I’m not really hoping to avoid anyone. There are people that we like… have agreed we should probably not engage with, but I’m not all that pleased about it. I think we’re being kind of rude. And Lucas isn’t making things better by refusing to acknowledge what happened. But it’ll make him feel better. I guess. Also, Farkle. After how things ended last year, I dread something else similar happening. Yeah, I think just avoiding any of that energy is priority. Farkle, Maya. I already had a stress dream about some sort of tantrum video where he tears me to shreds and the whole school sees it. It’s scary because he doesn’t know me well enough to say that stuff, and yet he hits every single insecurity. Oh, and like, Wyatt. Wyatt was expelled. Already on track, then.

What are your goals for this year, personally and professionally? I want to start putting together my design portfolio for college applications, so that will take a lot of my professional focus. Personally, I just… really hope things calm down. I know Lucas is going through a lot right now, and I want to be there for him. He’s been my best friend at AAA since the first week. I just hope things improve once the structure of school comes back into play rather than… the other direction. I just want everyone to be happy. I want us all to be chill again, and then I want to whomp Nate’s current record for most sticky notes stuck on Mister Shawn’s back without him noticing. Oh, and more performances for Asher L. Garcia!!! Again. Not happening. Mm… we shall SEE.................

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two: Reference Guide

A quick guide for everything I intentionally referenced in The Six Siblings, Part Two: This Tale is All Sorrows and Woes.

{ao3} {tumblr} {part one reference guide} 

MAJOR SPOILER WARNING - the plot twists from this section of the fanfiction will be discussed at length. 

Without further ado…

Chapter One / Prologue - in which Lilac has to Older Sister

“Release Nick, you fiend!” Violet tackled Klaus to the ground, as both of her brothers burst into giggles. “Never! Nick’s my prisoner of war!” Klaus said, trying (and failing) to push her off.

Nick being the “captive” in the childrens’ game throughout the chapter is a bit of an obvious foreshadow to his captivity from Chapters 12-20... which meant it was really fun when none of you noticed until then and then tried to kill me. XD

A full reference of the books namedropped in the childrens’ game:

Violet and Nick’s kingdom, Terabithia, is from Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson. Their original characters, either Susan/Lucy and Peter/Edmund, are a reference to The Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis. 

Lilac and Klaus’s kingdom, Gwyntystorm, and their characters, Irene and Curdie, are from The Princess and the Goblin and its sequel, The Princess and Curdie, by George MacDonald. 

Lilac says she thought Nick was Eragon, from The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, and Klaus says he was Aragorn, from The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. Nick’s suggestion for a new name, Glaedr, is also a character from The Inheritance Cycle. Nick finally decides to be Peter Pan, obviously from Peter Pan by JM Barrie. 

“Naw, they definitely are.” Nick nodded. “When a new baby is born, one of the other children has to die. Everyone knows it.” [...] “Now, since it’s a girl maybe, they could take out one of them,” he gestured towards Violet and Lilac, “But you’re the most useless, Klaus, so-” [...] “But yeah. Babies suck and we should totally throw our sister off the roof.” 

Direct reference to Addams Family Values (1993)

“Watch me.” Nick’s eyes lit up. “Wait, no, better plan. You guys remember Moses-”

Reference to the story of Moses, who was placed in a basket in a river as an infant. 

Lilac quickly answered the phone, saying, “Baudelaire residence. This is Lilac Emily. To whom am I presently speaking?” 

Lilac’s middle name is taken from her actress, Emily Browning. 

“We’re sensible and proper!” Nick added.

A reference to S Theodora Markson’s catchphrase in All the Wrong Questions. 

“What was that, Dad? No, no real ropes. Yeah, promise. We’ll go to bed on time, too. But you’ll all be back in the morning? Yeah, I know. Don’t open the windows.”

The Baudelaire parents don’t want to risk their children getting recruited. 

“He said we have a new sister.” Lilac reported. “Solitude Theodora Baudelaire.”

A direct reference to S Theodora Markson. 

“Can we make a blanket fort?” Klaus asked. “Like we used to?”

Much like the last prologue, this is a reference to the scene from the 2004 film. 

Rest of the fic under the cut. 

Chapter Two - in which the Baudelaires move into a nice Shack

As he stood, Nick turned to look at his brother, and after a second, he realized something. “Wait a minute.” he said. “Are you… taller than me?”

A reference to Louis Hynes’s growth spurt inbetween TMM and TAA in the Netflix series. (Though, fun fact, at this moment in time, Liam Aiken is currently taller than Louis Hynes, so I guess Nick eventually does end up taller.) 

Violet groaned and stood, and Solitude said, “Winnie,” which meant, “We could have Babbitt judge; they’re good with numbers!”

A reference to the main character of Babbitt’s namesake, Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt. 

After a moment, Nick said, “I’ll give you a tip.” “Yes?” Nick smiled slightly. “There’s a book, about the mother of a girl who reminds me a lot of you, in that everyone thinks she is adorable and perfect. The mother gets scared when the girl’s classmate drowns on a field trip and her daughter steals something shiny off of him, and she then finds out that she has a very suspicious genealogy.”

Nick giving tips in the form of book recommendations is a reference to Lemony’s habit of doing the same thing to Pip and Squeak in All the Wrong Questions. This is a double reference, as Liam Aiken, Nick’s actor, read the audiobooks for ATWQ. 

The book he is referencing is The Bad Seed by William March. 

“Gah-ahc.” said Solitude, which meant, “Let’s sleep outside.”

One of Soli’s lines in the 2004 film. 

Chapter Three - in which the Baudelaires make new friends 

Sunny narrowed her eyes. “Armoracia,” she muttered, which meant something like, “That doesn’t sound right. Apples and Horseradish taste very differently.”

Early foreshadowing for Sunny’s cooking interest. 

“I can get the windows,” Lilac said, “Should be an ordinary-enough pin-tumbler lock.”

The phase “ordinary enough pin-tumbler lock” is repeated a lot, as a reference to the second All the Wrong Questions book, When Did You See Her Last? 

“Yeah, there’s no locks.” Duncan said. “Bonnie said that they fell off a few years ago and never got replaced.”

A reference to a main character from The Wolves of Willoughby Chase by Joan Aiken. 

Chapter Four - in which Duncan and Isadora break into a Library 

“See? Researcher. Like Klaus.” Nick said. Klaus narrowed his eyes at his twin, trying to figure out what Nick was on about. “Is that… really important?” “Yes.” Nick said, and failed to elaborate. [...] “I think Klaus and Duncan should take the fungus.” Violet said, sharing a look with Nick. “The rest of us can keep an eye out for that book.” “Why should we take the fungus?” Violet held back a smile and shrugged, but Klaus quickly figured out what was going on. His face went red, and he glared at her, but Duncan said, “I’m fine with that,” so all he could do was shrug and keep shooting his siblings dark looks.

Violet and Nick are trying to set Duncan and Klaus up, much to Lilac’s horror. 

“Like a little cat.” Duncan said. “One of those feral ones that are super tiny.”

A reference to the world’s smallest cat, the Rusty-spotted cat. 

“That doesn’t sound right, but I really don’t give a shit.” Nick shrugged. “We’ll find it, won’t we, Soli?”

A reference to a line from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode 5x03, “The Great Recession”, which later became a meme - “That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about stars to dispute it.” 

Chapter Five - in which the children run amok at Prufrock Prep 

“You’re lucky.” Isadora said, sitting on the edge of the roof and kicking her legs as she looked down at the dying grass fields. “Our parents’ estate’s executor doesn’t give a fuck until orphans are ‘in’, whatever the hell that means.”

As revealed in The Slippery Slope book, Esme was left in charge of the Quagmires’ estate. 

Lilac giggled. “Yeah. Mom used to have [a necklace] just like it, except instead of these gear patterns, it had her initials. I always thought it was pretty, but she never let me wear it, so I learned how to make my own. She was… so proud.”

2004 Film Violet does indeed have a necklace throughout the entire film; I just added a backstory. 

“Nick Liam Baudelaire, what the hell is that?” Lilac shouted.

Nick’s middle name is in reference to his actor, Liam Aiken. 

“Marbeau,” said Sunny, meaning, “Maybe they’ve finally opened a daycare or toddler school.”

A reference to Firmin Marbeau, who pioneered a forerunner of modern daycare. 

Chapter Six - in which the Baudelaires have Gym Class 

“Tik,” said Sunny, meaning, “No! Typing and stapling is so hard when we’re tired!”

“Tik” spelled backwards is “Kit”, which, no, is not a reference to Kit Snicket, but Kit Kittredge, who famously carries a typewriter. 

“Say goodbye to Nick, Solitude.” Lilac said, grabbing the toddler’s hand and dragging her to her feet.

Another bit of foreshadowing for Nick’s capture. 

“Olil.” Sunny groaned. “Leave me alone to die.”

“Olil” spelled backwards is “Lilo”, as Sunny is directly quoting a line from Lilo & Stitch (2002). 

“Speaking of which,” Carmelita said, “As this is the second message I gave you, I really deserve a tip at this point.” “There’s a book about what happens when you let a bunch of schoolchildren run around unsupervised,” Klaus said, “And it features a pig’s head on a stick.”

Once again, the book recommendation instead of a tip is an All the Wrong Questions reference. 

Klaus is recommending Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Chapter Seven - in which Nick gets them all in Even More Trouble 

“I’m just telling you what I was told to tell you.” Carmelita giggled. “And since this is my eleventh message, you’re overdue eleven tips.” “We gave you our tips.” Nick said, glaring at her. “But here’s today’s; there’s a book that was made into a popular film that is about a hound dog and a fox. In the book, at the end, the hound kills the fox.”

Once again, ATWQ reference with the tips. 

The book he’s recommending is The Fox and the Hound by Daniel P Mannix; and, yes, that IS how the book ends. The Hound dies, too. You’re welcome for ruining your childhood. 

“Klaus?” he sounded very uncharacteristically terrified. “Klaus? Are you okay?” Klaus, startled, quickly stumbled out, “Y-yeah, I’m fine…” as Lilac and Violet also jumped up, grabbing the infants, and the Quagmires hurried to their feet. “Did your glasses break?” “No, I’m-” “Are you hurt?” Nick pulled away from his slightly, his eyes moving fast as he scanned his brother.

While Nick’s PTSD worsens much later, the first signs of it start showing here; he’s still traumatized from Klaus’s hypnotism, which was always kicked off with him getting tripped and his glasses breaking. 

“I wouldn’t say that.” said Nick, glaring down at the floor. He hadn’t looked anybody in the eye since he’d attacked Carmelita.

Nick isn’t ashamed of attacking Carmelita; he’s ashamed that he “overreacted” to something so minor. He doesn’t like admitting he needs help, which becomes a problem after his capture. 

“We know what homeschooling is.” Violet said. “We were-”

In this continuity, the Baudelaires were homeschooled before the fire. 

“Halloween, age nine,” Isadora said, “Was when we wanted to go as a certain family of six children. The problem being that there’re only three of us.”

A reference to The Brady Bunch. 

“We know you’re not asking.” Isadora said, smiling. “We’re volunteering.”

whelp. 

Chapter Eight - in which Lilac Snaps 

No major references in this chapter. 

Chapter Nine - in which the Baudelaires are given Fashion Lessons 

They fell silent again, and then quietly, Lilac started to sing. She sang a song that was normally played very loud and energetic, but she gave it a slower melody, quietly soothing Sunny as they walked up and up the large staircase. It was a song about how everybody’s looking for something, and as they walked, listening to Lilac’s soft voice, they all really hoped that whoever was looking for the Quagmires would find them quickly.

A reference to “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” by Eurythmics, but more specifically, a reference to Emily Browning’s cover version.

“Ah, you’re very adventurous!” Jerome said. “Just like your mother. We were friends a ways back. We hiked up Mount Fraught with some friends- gosh, it must have been twenty years ago-” [...] “Hmm? Oh, no, just the Snickets and that Markson boy.” Lilac narrowed her eyes. “Who?”

“That Markson boy” is a reference to the theory that Bertrand Baudelaire was adopted by S Theodora Markson’s family. Lilac’s recognition is not of her father’s maiden name, but of “Snicket”, which she vaguely remembers from her childhood. 

Chapter Ten - in which the In Auction is planned 

Currently, the Baudelaires were spread out in the living room. Nick and Klaus were trying to read through a book on Emily Dickinson that they’d bought the other day, while Violet and Lilac were going through the newspaper, trying to find something interesting, or some news on the search for Count Olaf.

The Baudelaires miss the Quagmires so much they’ve accidentally picked up their habits; Emily Dickinson is a famous poet, and Violet and Lilac are reading the newspaper. 

“She seems like the kind of person who’d try to set me up with some rich kid.” Nick said. “And I’m never getting married, not even when I’m older. I’m gonna live alone in the woods, and the only one who can come visit me is Soli.”

Nick is aromantic. 

“Ihering!” Soli said, which meant something like, “I’ll live with you and we can raise reptiles in the woods!”

A reference to Hermann von Ihering, a zoologist. 

The waiter nodded. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” [...] “Did you say-?” Lilac began.

The waiter is a VFD agent; once again, Lilac vaguely recognizes the code phrase. 

Chapter Eleven - in which Klaus finds an Ersatz Elevator 

“I’m not going to let us chase red herrings!” Lilac shouted back, hurt.

Dark foreshadowing to the red herring statue. 

“Solitude is,” Nick said, moving past him to find a pencil and paper, “Sunny is the albatross that curses us.” “Doom!” Sunny cheered.

A reference to The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. 

“It worked.” Violet smiled. “We never expected otherwise.” Klaus said.

A reference to the line from “The Bad Beginning: Part One” in the Netflix series. 

Chapter Twelve - in which the Baudelaires fall 

“Not so bad.” Solitude muttered. Then, she said, “Radec,” which meant, “Just think of it as a ride, instead of an actual fall.”

“Radec” spelled backwards is “Cedar”; a lowkey reference to Cedar Point. 

“No, we’re going to make a lockpick.” Lilac said. “Flamethrower’s too volatile. Besides, I don’t trust you with it.”

“Too volatile” is a reference to the phrase being used in The Grim Grotto. 

She spun on her heel, exiting out a door behind them. As she did, Nick said, “Should I go after her and tell her the kitchen was out the other door?”

Esme went to call Olaf and the henchpeople, instead of going to the kitchen. 

“Yeet Babbitt.” Solitude suggested.

A reference to the vine/meme. 

They had to walk through a parlor to get to the door, and as they did, Nick stopped a moment, glancing at the phone. It didn’t look broken. “Hey, guys?” he called, but they didn’t hear him, so he started to run to catch up.

Nick started to run to catch up; he never did, because that’s when one of Olaf’s henchpeople grabs him. 

And then, with a swish, there was a thump, thump, thump, and the Baudelaires stopped falling.

Only three thumps- because Klaus and Lilac were carrying the toddlers, and Nick didn’t fall, only three kids hit the net. 

“Nhojnod!” Sunny shouted. “You bastard!”

“Njohnod” is “Don John” spelled backwards, a reference to the character from Much Ado About Nothing, who is a bastard in both the legal and ethical use of the term. 

Chapter Thirteen - in which Sunny crawls up an elevator shaft 

“Sunday Theodora Baudelaire!” Lilac shouted. “You get back down here right now!”

Sunny’s middle name, “Theodora”, is once again a reference to S Theodora Markson; even after her death, she’s still confusing people about what the S stood for. 

Sunny sighed and turned slightly towards them, calling out, “Salvo!” which probably meant something like, “I’m going to go get us some rope and see if I can find Nick! I’ll be back soon!”

“Salvo” is a Latin verb, meaning “to save.” 

Sunny bit her lip and shook her head. “Appentier,” she said, meaning, “He’s not in the penthouse, at least from what I saw.”

“Appentier” is a french word from which “penthouse apartment” is derived. 

“Kim?” Sunny asked, meaning, “Wait, we get leeway for being kidnapped?”

“Kim” is the name of the girl who is kidnapped in the film Taken (2008). 

Solitude glanced at her in confusion. “Greywater?” “Yes, Soli,” Violet said, “A word which here means, ‘basically piss and shit.’”

A reference to a line from IT: Chapter One (2017). 

Chapter Fourteen - in which Some Children are sold at auction 

“You’d be surprised what’s legal and what’s not, actually.” Esme said. “For instance, in our society, cannibalism is legal, but religiously frowned upon-” 

A reference to the only ASOUE canon that matters, the Real-Time Fandub. (part one, part two) 

“Very interesting.” Olaf said. “And I suppose you think that your dear sister Lilac will take care of you then?”

Olaf is taunting Nick here, as he’s about to drop quite a lot of secrets to him, but mainly that Lilac is his half-sister. 

Notably, Nick is the only Baudelaire not present in this header image. 

Chapter Fifteen - in which Nobody’s having a good time 

No major references in this chapter. 

Chapter Sixteen - in which Lilac has a bad plan 

For sapphires and fortunes we are held in here. Only you can end our fear.

Isadora’s poems are ever-so-slightly different in this AU, due to Nick’s presence. 

The addition of and fortunes indicates that Nick is still with them.

Until dawn comes, we cannot speak speak. No voices come from this sad beak.

“voices” is more specific than “words can”; Nick has already started to go nonverbal due to his trauma, and Duncan and Isadora are unable to yell through the statue. 

Chapter Seventeen - in which the Village makes a Big Mistake 

But as she passed the Baudelaires, her hand slipped, and the man turned and met Lilac’s eyes. He stared for a moment, as if he realized with a shock he recognized her from somewhere. Then, he said, very quietly, “The world is quiet here.”

Jacques is realizing that Lilac has Lemony’s eyes; if he hadn’t realized before she was his niece, he does now. He tries to signal her with a VFD codephrase. 

“Now,” Lilac said, “We will need full access to all your inventing materials.” “And I’ll need blueprints of the uptown jail.” Klaus said. “Dead fly.” said Solitude.

While this is an obvious reference to Soli wanting to feed Babbitt, it is also a reference to a similar request made by Wednesday Addams in the 1964 sitcom The Addams Family, episode 1x10, “Wednesday Leaves Home.” 

The first thing you read contains our clues: An initial way to speak to you.

“Our clues”, once again, signals that Nick is still with the Quagmires. 

Chapter Eighteen - in which Count Olaf was not murdered 

No major references in this chapter. 

Chapter Nineteen - in which the Twins get a Birthday Present 

“You won’t keep Nick.” Lilac added. “He’ll get away from you, and the Quagmires, too! We’re never going to give up, and neither are they!” “Baudelaires don’t give up!” Solitude shouted. Olaf just smiled. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”

Nick’s trauma has already caused him to shut down completely, and Olaf knows this. 

Inside these letters the eye will see Nearby are your loved ones and the VFD

Nick and the Quagmires are still together. 

Chapter Twenty - in which Sunny drives a Firetruck 

“Nick, hey.” Isadora slowly pulled away from Violet and Lilac and stepped closer to the fountain, her voice very soft. “Your siblings found us. We were right. They found us.”

The Quagmires aren’t as traumatized as Nick; they’ve learned how to avoid the wrath of their captors, and have complete faith that the Baudelaires will save them. Nick’s been tortured and told quite a lot of things that temporarily broke him.

Duncan and Isadora shared a glance, and to the Baudelaires’ surprise, Nick flinched and also shared the triplets’ look. “Well, that’s not a surprise.” Duncan said. “He was the brother of a man who-”

Duncan, Isadora and Nick all know about Jacques Snicket, his relationship to Lemony, and Lemony’s relationship to Lilac. 

Nick was backing away from the fence, eyes wide, gripping onto Solitude so hard his knuckles were white. Isadora ran forwards, and Lilac realized then that he was shaking uncontrollably. “Nick, Nick, it’s okay!” Isadora said. She reached forwards, grabbing his face. “Look at me! Look at me! Duncan-” Duncan ran over, putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder, as Nick said, “They’re going to find us. They’re going to catch us. They’re going to find us-”

A lot of Nick’s trauma came from punishments after he attempted to escape, so he goes into a panic whenever they’re about to be caught. 

At that moment, Solitude pushed Babbitt onto Nick’s shoulder and said, “Hold this!” She immediately started running, jumping over Lilac and crawling through the window and onto the seat beside Sunny. Then she slid to the floor and jumped on the gas pedal, causing them to take off again.

A reference to Pip and Squeak from All the Wrong Questions, who drove their taxi in a similar way. 

Klaus stared back, and then his gaze hardened, and his siblings had never seen him look so furious. “I’m going to kill them.” Klaus vowed, and he meant it. “I’m going to kill them, Nick.” Nick’s eyes widened, and for several seconds, he looked like he physically could not process what his brother had just said.

A running joke up to this point was that Nick would suggest murder and Klaus would remind him that was illegal; after seeing his brother in such a state of shock and fear, this gag drops as Klaus decides Olaf and his troupe have to die. 

Chapter Twenty-One - in which Nick is not feeling great 

Meanwhile, Klaus was leaning against the wall, with Nick leaning onto his shoulder, curled up so he could be as close to his brother as possible. He had his eyes shut, but Lilac knew he wasn’t asleep; she didn’t think he’d slept at all. 

A symptom of severe trauma is the loss of sleep, either because of nightmares, or fear of what could happen while in such a defenseless position. This will be explored in Part Three. 

Nick bit his lip, and then nodded and said, “I-I’m sorry-”

Nick’s gotten over the initial shock of his rescue, and he’s starting to regret breaking down and starting to hate being so obviously traumatized. 

“Wait, Li…” Nick paused. “Can I… can I talk to you?” “Of course.” Lilac said softly. Nick glanced from Klaus to Violet to the toddlers. “Alone?”

Nick has decided it’s Lilac’s right to know she has a different (possibly living?) biological dad than the rest of them, but he also knows it’s her decision who else she wants to know, hence why he wants to tell her alone. 

Nick looked up at Klaus, and said, “I-I…” he shut his eyes. “I thought I heard… no, no, I must’ve… I thought I heard her, but… I had to… she wouldn’t… have found us this fast…”

Esme and Olaf were Nick’s main tormentors; they trigger his panic attacks more than the presence of the rest of the troupe. 

“No! No, don’t leave!” Nick shouted, leaping forwards and grabbing Klaus’s arm.

Nick is absolutely terrified of isolation/abandonment, especially in enclosed spaces. 

“Never!” Klaus pushed Nick farther, incredibly terrified by just how quiet his brother was.

Nick was punished a lot for “backtalking” his captors, so when he’s around Olaf and Esme, he almost never speaks. 

Chapter Twenty-Two - in which the Baudelaires break into a Hospital 

“Dimidium,” Sunny said, which meant, “Well, it’s only half a hospital.”

“Dimidium” is a Latin noun, meaning “half.” 

“We could kick down the door.” Lilac suggested. Then, she gave Nick a small smile. “Remember, Nick? When you were locked in the closet and wanted Mom to kick down the door?”

A reference to a previous one-shot for the Six Baudelaires AU. 

“Do you think that’ll have the information we need?” Violet asked. Nick flinched again, and then he said, “Um-”

Nick heard the word “Snicket”, and immediately assumes the worst- that it’ll out Lilac to the rest of their siblings. 

Chapter Twenty-Three - in which Solitude steals some shit 

Nick still didn’t respond, and Violet’s voice broke. “You have to remember. You couldn’t have been younger than… six or seven. Mother and Father were so mad, when they found us I thought they were going to explode… but you weren’t even upset, I cried but you just said you’d… you’d heard some kind of animal cry, and you thought it might need help, and I was the only one awake to help you… they got even madder, told you you should’ve stayed with them, but you didn’t see anything wrong, and… Nick, please tell me you remember that…”

An animal cry is a signal from VFD recruiters to prompt the children to say the codephrase that begins recruitment. The Baudelaire parents don’t want their children recruited, and were terrified to wake up and find their children gone on a night that they could have been kidnapped. 

Violet carefully pulled the scraps from her pocket, spreading them out in front of her, while Klaus turned to Nick. “Did they tell you anything?” he asked. “While you were… with them? About VFD, or this whole ‘Snicket’ thing, or Olaf?” Nick didn’t look anyone in the eye. “There wasn’t… much time to chat. I only… Lilac, can we talk?”

Pretty much all of Nick’s pleas for Lilac to talk to her are brought on when Snicket is mentioned. 

Nick pulled away, scratching at his arm, “That’s not…”

POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING: IMPLIED SELF HARM

Nick’s arm scratches are a tic he picked up during his captivity; he starts to scratch whenever his captors are mentioned, to keep himself alert. This will be discussed and resolved in Part Three. 

Nick looked sharply up at her and said, “Mom stole from Esme. She wouldn’t give a shit.”

Nick knows about the theft of the sugar bowl, as well as the Opera Night. (which are separate incidents, fuck you Netflix.) He’s very pissed at his parents for keeping vital information from them. 

Chapter Twenty-Four - in which Violet makes a decision 

They went to the Js. Then, quietly, Nick said, “Can we go to the L cabinets?” “Why?” Lilac asked. Nick glanced towards his siblings, and then away. “Just a guess.” Lilac shrugged directed them to the Ls, and Nick flipped through one drawer, eyes narrowed. Then he shook his head. “Nothing here.”

He’s looking under both “Lemony” and “Lilac.” 

Nick paused. “I mean… we don’t have to- to watch it right away.”  [...] “Li, please,” he said, “Can we talk? Just outside, just the two of us, there’s something-”

Nick wants to be able to tell Lilac about the whole “Lemony Snicket” thing before they can risk having her find out from the file. 

“I did.” Jacques nodded. “I managed to contact-”

He managed to contact Quigley.

“We’ll find them.” Lilac swore. “Are you okay?” “Yeah.” “Are you scared?” “I’m scared you won’t let me make a flamethrower and turn it on that bitch.”

A reference to this incorrect quote, which is, of itself, a reference to a line from the television show Brooklyn Nine-Nine, episode 3x10, “Yippie Kayak.” 

Still no response. Lilac looked around in terror, her hand flying to her necklace. “Violet Malina Baudelaire! You get the fuck out here!”

Violet’s middle name is taken from her actress, Malina Weissman. 

Chapter Twenty-Five - in which Lilac breaks down 

“I’m not…” Lilac sniffled. “I’m not like you.” Nick froze. “What does that mean?” “You all are so close.” Lilac shut her eyes. “You and Solitude, you and Klaus, you and Violet, Violet and Klaus, Klaus and Sunny, Solitude and Sunny… all of you. You’re all each others’ best friends. None of you care about me like that. [...] I just… feel like… like there’s this wall between us. That we can’t see, but we can’t cross. And I can see you all… you all together. And I just… can’t be like that. Cause I have to be responsible? Cause I’m the oldest? Cause… cause I just can’t be loved?” “Li!” Nick put a hand on her cheek, turning her towards him. “Li, we do love you. You’re our big sister! You’re our sister! You are our family! Sure, we pick on you, but not because we hate you! We all love you, too!”

This is why Nick doesn’t take the opportunity to tell her about her heritage; he wants to wait for a moment where the information won’t give her more anxiety, or make her think she’s somehow less family. 

Nick paused a moment, and then he leaned his head on her shoulder, shut his eyes, and said, “They fuck you up, your Mom and Dad. [...] They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, then add some extra, just for you.” Lilac stiffened for a second, and then carefully put an arm around Nick. “Where… where’d you learn that?” “The Library.” Nick lied.

Nick is quoting “This Be the Verse” by Philip Larkin, which is later quoted by Olaf in “The End.” He learned the poem during his captivity. 

“Nick.” Lilac wiped her eyes, and then put her hands on his. “It’s okay to… to talk about what happened to you.” Nick bit his lip. “That’s…” “I’ve been busy, yes, but I’ve also been scared. Scared that I’ll… I’ll hear something that makes everything worse.” Lilac’s eyes darted to the ground a moment, before going back up to Nick. “But I’ll listen. I want to hear you. I want you to tell me.”

TRIGGER WARNING: CSA MENTION

Lilac has been avoiding Nick in fear that he’ll explain what he suffered under Olaf. While she knows learning the details can help her better protect her brother, she is terrified that she won’t be able to handle it, and she’s completely terrified he might have been sexually assaulted, seeing as Olaf threatened to do that to Violet specifically to punish Lilac, and he had Nick under his control for a while. 

Nick smiled at her. “You can do anything, sis.”

Nick knows she’s biologically his half-sister, but he wants to make completely sure she knows he will always consider her his sister and his family, and nothing can change that. 

Chapter Twenty-Six - in which Klaus impersonates a Doctor 

Nick flinched. “You want to be like him?”

Something to note: After his capture, Nick never refers to Olaf or Esme by their names; just him or her. 

Nick took a deep breath. “These vents are a lot bigger than I thought, but, um… they’re still pretty cramped.” Solitude shrugged. Of course it didn’t seem cramped to her, she was only a little over two feet tall. “I was just… I’m not sure I like how small it is.”

Nick’s claustrophobia, gained from being trapped in a red herring, a statue, and possibly other small spaces inbetween, is starting up. 

“Doctor Howser.” Lilac said in an austrailian accent, thinking very fast. “We’re going to perform surgery soon.”

A reference to Doogie Howser, MD, which starred a young Neil Patrick Harris, who played Olaf in the Netflix series. 

“Since when could you do an Austrailian accent?” “You don’t know everything about me.” Lilac scanned the list.

Lilac’s actress, Emily Browning, is Australian. 

Chapter Twenty-Seven - in which the Baudelaires jump out a window 

Nick had placed Solitude onto the ground and now held Violet by the shoulders, shaking her slightly as he shouted. “What did they do to you, Vi? Vi, what did they do?”

Nick knows exactly what could have happened to Violet in captivity, so he’s completely and utterly panicked. 

“I’m with Klaus.” Nick said shakily. “We go together or not at all.”

A reference to the track “Together or Not at All” from Doctor Who, by Murray Gold. 

Chapter Twenty-Eight - in which the Baudelaires visit a Carnival 

No major references in this chapter. 

Chapter Twenty-Nine - in which Solitude finally morphs into a reptile 

“Well, if they…” Nick shut his eyes. “We just… better get there before they drink too much, that’s all.”

Nick has had experience with the troupe while drunk, and would rather attempt to speak with them before it goes too far. 

“Well, then,” Lulu said, stepping forwards and looking a bit confused, “What exactly are you, please?” “You can call me Babydoll.” Lilac said.

A very clear reference to the character that Emily Browning played in Sucker Punch (2011). 

Surprisingly, the henchpeople looked a little startled at that, as did Lulu, but Esme laughed. “Sounds like my kind of girl!” she said. “I drowned an ex once. So did you, dear, right?” Olaf was taking another swig of wine, so they couldn’t exactly see his reaction. 

Olaf “drowning an ex” is a reference to the Netflix show canon, where he left Georgina Orwell under a bridge to drown. 

His reaction being hidden is because, for obvious reasons, he doesn’t quite want to talk about murdered parents. 

“Well, I’m Elliot,” Klaus said, “And this is my other head, Janus.”

Janus was a Roman god with two faces. 

“And that down there,” Lilac said, pointing her thumb at Solitude, “Is our little pet gorgon. We call ‘er Euryale, cause her actual name is just a buncha hisses.”

Euryale was one of Medusa’s sisters in Greek Mythology. 

Chapter Thirty - in which the Baudelaires put on a show 

But as they started to leave, they heard a low rumble, and Nick immediately grabbed onto Klaus’s arm and let out a nervous gasp that was, thankfully, missed in the noise.

Nick recognizes the sound of Olaf’s car. 

Chapter Thirty-One - in which the Baudelaires play fortune teller 

“Or maybe,” Nick said, very quietly, keeping his eyes shut tight, “They were told not to find us.”

Nick learned a lot about VFD during his captivity, including their recruitment. He’s worried that their surviving parent may be ready to give them up to the organization. 

Nick grabbed a selection of paper, staring curiously, and then he quickly tried to shove it back, but Klaus’s eyes widened as he caught a glimpse of it, and he grabbed it from his brother. 

Nick, once again, sees the name “Snicket” and assumes the worst. 

Chapter Thirty-Two - in which the Baudelaires are asked to murder 

“No, thank you.” Esme said, looking down a Sunny and frowning. “I’m afraid I don’t like cinnamon in chocolate anymore, the woman who introduced it to me recently perished in a fire. But it’s very kind of you to offer.”

The Baudelaires received their taste for cinnamon in hot chocolate from their mother. 

“Sounds good.” Kevin said. “I’ve committed crimes before. Why, when I was no older than Elliot and Janus-” 

A reference to the theory that Kevin from ASOUE is the same as Kevin Old from File Under: 13 Suspicious Incidents, who committed vandalism and thievery. 

Chapter Thirty-Three - in which someone is pushed to the lions 

“I’m sure you are.” Olaf smirked, and he reached forwards and put a cold hand on Nick’s cheek. Nick tried very hard not to cry, but he wasn’t succeeding very well. “Now go jump into that pit. We want to see you devoured by lions.”

Olaf, who knows that the freaks are the Baudelaires, specifically picked Klaus and Nick to sacrifice to the lions specifically to torment Nick more; he knows what effect he has on him, and is relishing it. Once the boys are gone, they can grab the rest of the Baudelaires and escape. 

“I wish we had a cartographer with us.” Violet sighed. 

A reference to the next book, where Violet will have a relationship with Quigley, a cartographer. 

Chapter Thirty-Four / Epilogue - in which they should have said something

“Come on.” Bertrand said, taking Violet’s hands and spinning her as she giggled. “It’s Duke Ellington. That’s your fav, Li.”

A reference to All the Wrong Questions. 

“What song is this?” Violet asked. Beatrice smiled over at Soli, who was curled up on Nick’s lap, biting his sweater. “It’s got a very special name, isn’t that right, dear?” Solitude giggled. 

“Solitude”, by Duke Ellington, likely Ellington’s song in All the Wrong Questions. 

“Dashiell if it’s a boy,” Bertrand replied, “Sunny if it’s a girl.” 

“Dashiell” after Dashiell Qwerty from All the Wrong Questions. 

“We could adopt one of the outdoors animals.” Nick suggested. Beatrice and Bertrand turned to look at him. “The what?” Bertrand asked. “I keep hearing animals outside my window, every now and again.” Nick shrugged. “Howling or yipping or sometimes breaking a branch. Maybe if we brought them into the house, they wouldn’t get in so much trouble.” 

Recruitment attempts that have not been working, because Beatrice and Bertrand refuse to let their children join VFD. 

She turned to a selection of beach photos, slowly pulling out a small picture of baby Lilac, sitting on Briny Beach. It hadn’t been the first time she’d seen the ocean, but she’d still been so excited to splash in the water. 

Since Lilac was born eleven months before Violet, it’s likely she was born on the island. 

[storm278]

Home is where the heart is CHAPTER 1

10 years after college, Riley has gained a reputation of being a flight risk. Her friends and family have tried to stop her from taking off but truthfully there is only one person that can make her stay for good. what happens when riley sees said person for the first time in 14 years. Rucas centric

Rated T

Cross posted to Fanfiction.net here

Prologue 

Maya storms into Riley's pent house after getting a 911 text from her best friend. She marches straight into her bedroom to see the lights turned off and she also hears the brunette crying her eyes out underneath the covers.

"Riley, honey, are you okay I got your text what happened" she says as she turns on the light to get a better view of the situation. Immediately she sees her sister, her mood goes from worried to panicked. She runs across the room to her best friend.

"Riles talk to me what's going on? are you sick? Did someone hurt you? Just give me a name I'll find em"

Riley slowly takes off the cover with tear stained cheeks "Maya it happened again, Charlie," she sobs "he did it again, he promised he would never do it again. I walked in on him and some slut in his office".

Maya immediately hugs are friend and comforts her for several minutes, just allowing Riley to let it all out. "that son of a bitch never deserved you to begin with honey. And no worries, tonight we take care of you tomorrow we can go all psyco crazy on his stupid ass" This made Riley giggled and sniffed back some tears "let's not go all Maya-Ville just yet, we can just throw out his stuff from my place"

"Riley! He hurt you. I have to…" she was cut off by Riley before she could continue "No Maya, you do not have to do anything to him. I blame myself actually".

"No Riley! This isn't your fault. You've been faithful to him for the past 3 years and he cheated on you in return. He's at fault here not you and he has to pay. Maya countered

Riley sat up and propped herself on her pillows "three years' wow, I really stayed with him for that long?"

"Honey I'm as shocked as you are. He was such a creep"

"If I let myself be honest I think after I caught him with Melissa last year I just didn't feel the same way about him anymore but for some odd reason I took him back. I don't know, I guess on some level I just assumed I'll learn to love him and then I opened myself to him again. I was 29 already so I stayed with him. Can you imagine I actually started to feel things for him again. I had hope that maybe he would be the last one you know. God was I stupid" Riley rambled.

Maya knew it was a bold face lie. Maya could admit that Charlie's actions did hurt her best friend but Riley saying she thought Charlie was her 'the one' was nothing far from mendacity. He and the other guys since college have just been place holders in an attempt to forget a certain green eyed doctor. Was she pissed with said doctor? Yes, but he just so happened to have made her best friend very happy a long time ago and for God knows why, Riley has refused to explain the actual reason for their break up. But right now her friend needed her so the story of doctor huckleberry will have to wait. Plus, this was a delicate situation and if not handled properly would mean a horrible reoccurrence happening again

"Honey you are not stupid. Everyone deserves to love and feel loved in return. But can I at least set his stuff on fire. He has some really expensive clothes and shoes here". Maya said with puppy eyes.

Riley sighed with relaxed shoulders and ultimately gave in. "Fine do what you want I don't even care anymore. Please just stay here with me tonight?".

Maya scooted closer to her on the bed and hugged her even closer "I already have Josh watching over Melvin. So girl's night?" Riley cleaned up what was left of her tears "yea I'd love that".

GMWGMWGMWGMWGMWGMWGMW

Maya called Isadora and their childhood friend Darby over to join their girl's night. Fortunately, it was a Friday night and their husbands had so graciously agreed to watch the kids. Actually Farkle, Josh and Yogi had been filled in on the Riley/Charlie situation and all three made sure their wives would be with Riley tonight because they knew a lonely thinking Riley Matthews only leads to her taking off to God knows were again for a long time.

Riley had managed to stay put in New York for the past 3 years because of her relationship with Charlie which has been a new record for her since high school. It started with her breakup with Lucas the night before their high school graduation. She took a year off school. She got invited by their classmate Sarah whose dad happened to work as a captain on a ship set to cruse across the world picking and dropping of passengers. Riley and Sarah joined the crew and sailed for months before Riley docked in Europe and got several jobs while touring the continent. She lived and worked there for the remainder of the year. Maya has yet to forgive Lucas and Sarah because that 'friendly invitation' gave Riley the reputation of being the flight risk of their group. Her take off behaviour continued in college after her breakup with a guy named David, she spent the next 2 semesters abroad. Then after college it became a reoccurring event.

Whenever her heart got broken she would take off for months going on a year and Cory Matthews was glad to fund any trip that would involve taking Riley away from guys as long as she was going to be happy where she was going he didn't care. This was after all his little girl and he would do anything in the world to make sure she was happy. Of course, at the time he thought he was doing it to avoid losing his little girl to the wolves but now with her job at Minus international and her occasional 'business trips' after unfortunate breakups he never gets to see her anymore and he didn't like it one bit until Charlie came around.

After the distress text sent from Riley, Maya saw the signs and informed all their friends of what was inevitably coming.

Darby and Isadora came charging into the penthouse like soldiers on a mission. "Riley!" Darby screamed from while moving around Riley's place. "Riley Grace Matthews where are you"

Maya meandered into the living room "Darbs she's in the bathroom. I sent her to take a bath. She just needs to clear her mind. Smarkle did you get my list"

Isadora smiled and went through the list of items needed for the special girl's night Maya had planned "okay so I have the ice-cream, chocolate, popcorn, scissors, lighter and of course wine, is this to your liking Maya?".

"Perfect" Maya responded

Darby was still very much worried about her friend and her 'take-off' antics in situations like this. She just had to speak up "has she mentioned anything about you know…"

"taking off? no I have not mentioned anything about that" Riley said as she sauntered into the living room. "thanks for coming you guys. It means a lot to me that you guys are here"

Darby quickly went and hugged her friend "please don't leave riley, please Charlie is total d-bag. He never deserved you and he doesn't need to know he caused you so much pain you had to leave the country because of him. I swear I'll set you up with someone new, give me a week. I could even find someone who looks just like Lucas if that would make you stay please Riley don't leave this time." Darby ended her ramble because she just had to breathe. Everyone stayed quiet after that because Darby just let out Lucas' name. Riley felt her heart rate go up just by the mention of his name. She even felt a little dizzy just having flashing images of his face and what could have been had she told him sooner.

It was weird to speak of him with Riley because since high school everyone stayed in touch with each other except for Riley and Lucas. It was kind of an unspoken rule to not speak of him around Riley. She never talked about their breakup not even to Maya.

Farkle just stuck with his theory that the fact that they would be attending separate colleges ignited the fire but he never quite understood why they wouldn't so much as be in the same room with each other let alone sit to have an actual conversation. Lucas never spoke about the situation either. Whenever Zay or Farkle asked he just waves it off and leaves the room almost like the air was sucked out of him whenever anyone brought up the topic of what happened between him and Riley.

Riley finally broke the uncomfortable silence "I see someone is back on those sugar beverages again. Darbs you really should cut back on those drinks and no I do not want a guy right now no matter what he looks like. As for me leaving I will be going to Vancouver and it's not because of Charlie, we are opening a new office there I need to oversee their operations being that it is the first branch we have in that region of the country".

"Pardon my bluntness bubbles but even I know that's a bold face lie" said Isadora as the other girls take their positions on the couches making themselves comfortable for the night

Smackle continued "I know this Charlie incident might be one of the reasons you want to leave but suggesting you going to Vancouver for business is total crap and you are very well aware of it". At this point the girls were willing to say and bring up just about any topic or argument to ensure Riley didn't leave the country even it meant speaking of a certain emerald eyed doctor.

"Oh really Isadora enlighten me why would I possibly want to go to Canada if it wasn't for the company" Riley said being defensive.

"Because someone cough Darbs cough let out the fact that a certain Lucas Friar from Texas will be coming to town next month to in an attempt to expand his business here in Manhattan. Correct me if I am wrong bubbles"

"Smackle you are supposed to hide the message in the cough not actually say the word cough. And I only told Riley with hopes that she would dump Charlie and move on with Lucas" Darby said

"First of all you are wrong and second if this is how my night is going to play out I'm gonna need a drink. Anyone care to join me for Vodka?" Riley said as she walked over to her mini bar and took a shot. "You guys want me to talk fine let's talk. I have moved on from Lucas!" she shouted "I dated Charlie for the past 3 years' I actually loved him hell I've been dating other guys since college if that doesn't say Riley has moved on I don't know what will".

Maya final spoke out "Honey first of all stop speaking about yourself in the third person its weird and second I hate to break it to you but you and I both know you were never going to end up with Charlie Gardner or any other place holder you've hooked up with since college".

"Maya!" Riley said with wide eyes knowing were her friend was taking the conversation

"Riley I've known you my whole life. I've seen you happy and in love and I've seen you with Charlie. There is a clear difference" Maya took Riley's hand and looked her in the eye "Charlie is an asshole we've all know that, you have refused to accept that fact for some reason. But I know you and even if you won't admit it you still love that Texas huckleberry". Riley took back her hand and went to take another shot and just taking in the burn that came with it.

Riley felt like she has had enough Lucas discussion for one night. She never lets herself think of him willingly because thinking about him meant thinking about the events that surrounded the breakup. She has almost let details of their breakup slip out before and she was not about to let that happen tonight. She took another shot and spoke "weren't we supposed to set Charlie's stuff on fire or something"

"Way to change the subject on us Riles" Maya rolled her eyes "and yes we are definitely making a burn fire tonight if only you would let me get my hands on the actual Charlie…"

"Maya! you would take what you get okay".

"Fine but this isn't the end of this"

The girls drove out of the city that night and in true Maya fashion set all Charlie's stuff on fire. Literally every trace of him in Riley's pent house clothes, shoes, gifts, pictures, all the relationship momentous all gone. Riley felt sad about the situation because she knew the girls were right. After all these years of dating all these different men and traveling around the world in search of some kind of happiness in a new place or in someone or in something that could measure up to what she had with he who shall not be named but yet nothing. She wondered the whole ride going and coming back, would she ever get over him? And if so how, because she simply couldn't go on like this it's been fourteen years for God sake. And boy is she desperate because she just had to find a way. He seemed to have moved on years ago quite nicely so why couldn't she.

At the end of the night Riley had sworn all the girls to secrecy about her impending move.

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One}

Chapter Thirty → in which the Baudelaires put on a show

“Wait, sir!” Violet said, racing forwards. “Did you say one of the Baudelaire parents is alive?” 

The Hook-Handed Man gave her a curious look. “What do you care, freaks?” 

“Well,” they were surprised when Nick spoke up, only looking a little concerned, “We’ve been reading about the Baudelaires in The Daily Punctilio. We’re very interested in their case.” 

“Well,” the Hook-Handed Man said, “Those kids’ parents were supposed to be dead, but Madame Lulu looked into her crystal ball and saw that one of them was alive. It’s a long story, but it means we’re all going to be very busy. Count Olaf and Madame Lulu left me in charge of the House of Freaks while they’re gone, which means I get to boss you around, so hurry up!” 

Sunny growled and Solitude hissed, subtly sliding Babbitt into her pocket and shaking her head. 

“Chabo and Euryale are all set to perform.” Lilac said, and then she put her hand on her hip, remembering her character. “The rest of us’ll be ready eventually.” 

“You’ll be ready now.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “Come on! People want to see the freaks!” 

He left, closing the door, and Hugo said, “Well, we better hurry up. We must always give people what they want, and that man wants us ready right away.” 

“We’ll help Euryale feed her snakes.” Lilac said. “She’s very good at catching bugs for them. Come on, Eur.” 

“Hiss!” hissed Soli, and the Baudelaires moved to the corner. 

“Do you think it’s possible?” Klaus whispered. “Do you think one of our parents is alive?” 

“I don’t know.” Violet said, picking up Sunny. “On one hand, it’s hard to believe Madame Lulu really has a magic crystal ball. But on the other, if she really did tell Olaf where we were every time…” 

“Do you think the Hook-Handed Man could’ve been lying?” Lilac asked. “To see if we reacted? Maybe they’re suspicious of us.” 

“He’s not much of a liar.” Nick said, staring hard at the ground. “Of all the henchpeople, he was… probably the nicest. He actually taught Isadora and me some poetry once while he was guarding. He sucks at lying, too, so Duncan could find out some stuff from him.” 

Klaus gripped his hand again, and Lilac said, “That doesn’t mean Madame Lulu’s crystal ball works.” 

“Tent.” Solitude said, grabbing onto Nick’s leg. 

“You’re right, Sunny.” Violet said. “We’ll need to break into her tent after the show, while she’s still gone.” 

“What are you all whispering about?” Kevin asked. “Are you talking about how freakish we all are?” 

“No.” Lilac said, turning around and rolling her eyes. “We were just talking about Madame Lulu’s crystal ball. It sounds wild. Do you actually believe in this fortune-teller shit?” 

“Well, Madame Lulu wants people to believe it,” Colette said, “So why shouldn’t we?”  

Hugo grabbed a coat off of a rack and said, “We should probably get out there. We want to put on a good show, don’t we?” 

“Debatable.” Sunny said. 

“What’d Chabo say?” Colette asked. 

Quickly, Klaus said, “She didn’t say anything. She just yipped.” 

Sunny smiled and yipped, and then they all made their way out of the caravan. Their coworkers led them to a large tent with the House of Freaks label, where the Hook-Handed Man stood with Esme; both of them looked very impatient. 

“Get inside and put on a good show!” said the Hook-Handed Man. 

“Or I’m allowed to use this on you!” Esme said, holding out something long and damp. “It’s a tagliatelle grande.” 

“What’s a tagliatelle grande?” Colette asked. 

“It’s an italian noodle.” Klaus said, gripping very tightly onto Nick’s hand as his brother tried very hard not to freeze up. 

“That’s right, freak!” Esme said. “If you don’t give the people what they want, I’m allowed to hit you with the tagliatelle grande, which I’ve heard is an unpleasant and somewhat sticky experience.” 

“Don’t worry, ma’am.” Hugo said. “We’re professionals.” 

“Good.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “Now get in and put on a show, freaks.” 

The group made their way into the tent, where there was quite a lot of space. A small wooden stage was in the center, with a few folding chairs placed on it, underneath a banner that read House of Freaks. The White-Faced Woman were in the corner selling beverages, and there were about seven or eight people walking around and waiting for the show. 

The Hook-Handed Man pushed past them, starting to speak as the coworkers rushed towards the stage. 

“Esteemed audience!” he shouted. “Hurry up and buy your delicious cold beverages, because the House of Freaks show is about to begin!” 

“These beverages are warm.” said a confused woman, as the Baudelaires slowly found their own seats; Chabo and Euryale were made to sit on the floor. 

“Wow, look at that feak!” giggled a man. “He’s got hooks instead of hands!” 

“I’m not one of the freaks, I work here at the carnival!” said the Hook-Handed Man. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” the man said. “But maybe if you had a pair of realistic hands, no one would make that mistake.” 

“It’s rude to comment on other people’s appearances.” said the Hook-Handed Man. “Now, everyone, go mock the freaks! Look at Hugo! Instead of a regular back, he has a big hump that makes him look very freakish!” 

“That’s true!” said someone, and the audience gathered around the stage. 

The show was about as bad as the Baudelaires had expected. Hugo was made to try and put on a coat, struggling to wear one that had definitely not been tailored to fit him as the audience laughed. Then Olaf’s henchman tossed an ear of corn on the stage, and Klaus and Nick struggled to eat it, to everyone’s amusement. Colette was forced to twist her body into unusual shapes, and Soli hissed at the audience and made it look like her snake hair was moving, and Kevin wrote his name with both his left and right hands, and Lilac and Violet showed off their tattoos and burns, and Sunny growled and barked at the audience. 

When the show finished, and the freaks ducked back into their caravan, Violet said, “This place is a shithole.” 

“Agreed.” Lilac huffed, glaring at the ceiling. 

“Shit!” Sunny agreed, from where she sat; she had climbed onto the counter beside the stove, and was looking over the hot chocolate Hugo was preparing. 

“It’s awful.” Klaus said. “I hate being stared and laughed at.” 

“How can people think a burn like this is funny?” Violet asked. “Or Babydoll’s tattoos? Or Janus and Elliot eating an ear of corn?” 

“If people thought dropping an ear of corn was funny,” Nick snapped, “They should stay home and drop it themselves.” 

“Well, if it’s what the people want-” Colette said. 

“Why do you stay here?” Lilac asked. 

“Why don’t you want to stay here?” Kevin asked. “There’s nowhere else for freaks like us to go.” 

“Of course there is.” Violet said. “Lot of people are ambidextrous, Kevin. There are ambidextrous florists and air traffic controllers, and all sorts of things.” 

“You think so?” Kevin asked. 

“Of course.” Klaus said. “And it’s the same with contortionists and hunchbacks.” 

“You could find some job where people didn’t think you were freakish at all.” Lilac added. 

“I’m not sure.” Hugo said from the stove, turning around and carrying a tray of hot chocolate. “I think someone with two heads or an obvious scar would be freakish wherever they go. We’re freaks, whether we like it or not.” 

“But-” Lilac began. 

“Let’s just forget our troubles and play dominoes.” Hugo said, putting the tray down. “This hot chocolate is a little different today. Chabo added some cinnamon.” 

The Baudelaires looked up, surprised. “Chabo added it?” Lilac asked. 

“Yes.” Hugo said. “At first I thought it was a freaky wolf recipe, but it tastes very good.” 

“That was a clever idea, Chabo.” Klaus said, looking down as Sunny crawled over. 

Sunny shrugged. “Amme,” she said, which meant, “It’s simple, it just works well with chocolate flavors. Mint or Coconut would’ve worked, too.” 

Lilac looked ready to cry, and Violet said, “Thank you, Chabo,” in a very soft voice. 

“You should be proud of yourself.” Hugo agreed. “If you weren’t a freak, Chabo, you could be an excellent chef.” 

“She’ll be an excellent chef anyway.” Nick said, smiling slightly. 

Violet sighed, and then said, “Why don’t we take this hot chocolate outside? I wanted to peek into the gift caravan.” 

“That sounds like a great idea.” Klaus said. “I think Janus and I will accompany you, if Janus doesn’t mind.” 

“I always found hot chocolate to be an outdoor beverage.” Nick said. 

“Well, don’t take too long.” Colette said. “We’re not supposed to wander around the carnival.” 

“We’ll just drink our hot chocolate and come right back.” Violet said. 

“I’ll go with them, to make sure these nerds don’t get into any trouble.” Lilac stood up, stretching. “Come on, Euryale, your snakes can bite them if they wander off.” 

But as they started to leave, they heard a low rumble, and Nick immediately grabbed onto Klaus’s arm and let out a nervous gasp that was, thankfully, missed in the noise. 

“That sounds like the car of that Count.” Kevin said. “He must be back.” 

“What’s that other sound?” Colette asked. 

They paused and listened, and then heard a roar. 

“Oh shit.” Lilac said. 

They all ran out of the caravan, and looked ahead to see Count Olaf’s automobile stopping right by the House of Freaks’s tent, with a small trailer attached to the end, carrying a large metal cage. Count Olaf and Madame Lulu got out of the car, gesturing dramatically to the cage behind them. 

Thee trailer was filled with lions, and it was so packed that the children were unable to count them. They were clawing at the bars and roaring and trying to rock the trailer. Count Olaf took a whip from his pocket, hitting it against the trailer until the lions quieted. 

“Freaks and normal people!” Olaf announced. “Caligari Carnival is proud to announce the arrival of these fierce lions, who will be used in a new attraction!” 

He turned towards the Baudelaires, flashing them his wicked smile, and Lilac quickly stepped in front of Nick so that nobody could see him shake. 

“These lions will be the most exciting thing at Caligari Carnival!” he shouted. 

Hugo, Colette and Kevin emerged from the trailer, walking over to the Baudelaires. “What’s going on?” Hugo asked. 

“Something bad.” Klaus answered, and Solitude hissed sadly and leaned up against him. 

“You see,” Olaf said, addressing the small crowd of people that had started to gather, “Lions are carnivorous, which means they eat meat-” 

“We know that.” Klaus muttered. 

“-and here at Caligari Carnival, they’ll have the finest meat we have to offer.” Olaf walked over to the freaks, and Lilac resisted the urge to push her siblings behind her. As Sunny growled, Olaf said, “These freaks aren’t like normal people, so their lives are depressing and meaningless. They’ll be happy to exhibit themselves in the name of entertainment.” 

“That is our job.” Colette said. 

“For you see,” Olaf said, “We’re not going to feed these lions regular meals, so they’ll be very hungry for tomorrow’s show. Each day, instead of a show at the House of Freaks, we’ll randomly choose one freak and watch the lions devour them.” 

The Baudelaires and Hugo, Colette and Kevin all stood in horrified silence as the audience let out a cheer. 

“The fun begins tomorrow!” Olaf said. “See you then!” 

The audience dispersed, talking excitedly amongst themselves, and the Hook-Handed Man and Esme approached. “Wow, you were right, boss.” said the Hook-Handed Man. “Things are about to get much better here.” 

“Of course he was right, please.” said Madame Lulu. “He is a brilliant and brave and generous man, please. He thought of lion show, and hit lions with whip, please, and gave lions to Lulu.” 

“He gave those lions to you?” Esme asked, suddenly seeming very upset. “What did you get me?” 

Olaf pause. “Um, nothing. But you can share my whip, if you’d like.” 

“He gave lions to me, please,” Lulu smirked at Esme, “Because of my wonderful fortune-telling.” 

“You should really get your fortune told sometime, Esme. It’s quite impressive.” Olaf said. “We entered the tent and turned off all the lights, and the crystal ball hummed, and then magical lightning crackled above us, and when I closed my eyes and concentrated, Lulu told me that one of the Baudelaire parents is alive and hiding in the Mortmain Mountains. First thing tomorrow morning, she will tell me where the Baudelaires are.” 

Esme turned to give Lulu a dark glare. “And what sort of gift will you give her, then?” 

“Be reasonable, dear,” Olaf said, “The lions will make the Carnival more popular, so Madame Lulu can devote her time to fortune-telling, and we can steal the fortune of the Baudelaires.” 

“Um, excuse me?” said Hugo hesitantly. “Is there a way we can make the carnival more popular without feeding us to lions?” 

“Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about that part.” Lilac agreed, reaching to grab Violet’s hand. 

“Oh, please,” Olaf rolled his eyes. “You all saw the crowd. They can’t wait for you to be devoured by lions. Return to the freaks’ caravan until tomorrow. The rest of us will start digging the lion pit. Let’s do it over by the roller coaster.” 

“I will show you, please, where we keep the shovels.” Lulu said. 

“I’m not going to dig a pit!” Esme said. “I need to talk to my boyfriend alone!” 

“Well, alright.” Olaf said. “Let’s go to the guest caravan.” 

“And I’ll show you where the other henchpeople are,” said the Hook-Handed Man, holding out a hook for Madame Lulu. “They’ll be very excited, they love displays of violence.” 

Once they all wandered off, the Baudelaires stared at their coworkers, trying to think of something to say. 

“Well, maybe we can think of a way to not get eaten.” Colette said. 

“Or we could play another game of dominoes.” Hugo said. 

“Um, we’ll… we’ll be inside once we finish our hot chocolate.” Violet said. 

“You might as well enjoy it.” Kevin shrugged. “You might not have any ever again.” 

He turned and followed Hugo and Colette back into the caravan, and once he’d shut the door with both hands, Nick said what they were all thinking. 

“What the fuck?” 

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One}

Chapter Seven → in which Nick gets them all in even more trouble

“Okay, so here’s the plan.” Nick said. “We sneak those knives out of the kitchen again, and throw the body into the river.”

“Nick, we can’t kill Olaf.” Klaus said. “We’re not killing anyone. That’s illegal and immoral.”

“So’s torturing us every night.” Nick said. “It’s self-defense.”

“No murder!”

Night after night, Coach Genghis made the Baudelaires report to the field and run laps around their circle. And it was getting more and more exhausting every time; the Baudelaires had taken to falling asleep in class or at work, which did not do wonders for their grades.

“I haven’t been this tired since I got my first tesla coil.” Violet yawned, looking like she might fall face-first into her spaghetti.

“I haven’t been this tired since Sunny was born.” Lilac said. “Her room was right next to mine and she kept screaming.”

Klaus glanced down at Sunny, who had fallen asleep on the bench beside him. “Well, she’s a lot quieter now, isn’t she?”

“Well, at least we’re all getting into great shape.” Nick said, annoyed beyond belief. “Couldn’t he at least do us a favor and play music while we run? It’s so boring and exhausting and-”

“Speaking of boring and exhausting.” Duncan groaned, and they turned to see Carmelita tap up to them.

“So, for my eleventh message to you,” Carmelita said, “Vice Principal Nero wants to see the Baudelaires in his office right now. So you better hurry!”

“Piss off, Carmelita.” Violet sighed. “We’re not in the mood.”

“I’m just telling you what I was told to tell you.” Carmelita giggled. “And since this is my eleventh message, you’re overdue eleven tips.”

“We gave you our tips.” Nick said, glaring at her. “But here’s today’s; there’s a book that was made into a popular film that is about a hound dog and a fox. In the book, at the end, the hound kills the fox.”

“Your tips suck!” Carmelita huffed.

“You suck.” Nick said, standing up. “Come on, guys, let’s see what his majesty Vice Principal Nero wants from us.”

Klaus shook Sunny and then stood, starting to move away from the bench. But just as he stepped out, a frustrated and spiteful Carmelita kicked out her leg. Klaus tripped, letting out a startled gasp as he did, and Nick instantly put a hand on the table, vaulting himself over and grabbing onto him just in time.

“Klaus?” he sounded very uncharacteristically terrified. “Klaus? Are you okay?”

Klaus, startled, quickly stumbled out, “Y-yeah, I’m fine…” as Lilac and Violet also jumped up, grabbing the infants, and the Quagmires hurried to their feet.

“Did your glasses break?”

“No, I’m-”

“Are you hurt?” Nick pulled away from his slightly, his eyes moving fast as he scanned his brother.

“Nick, I’m fine!”

Nick stepped back from Klaus, and then whipped around to give Carmelita a dark look. “Nick…” Violet said, noticing other students were starting to look around at them.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Nick snapped. “Why would you do that?”

“Why, I didn’t do anything.” Carmelita said innocently. “Your dumb brother tripped.”

“He’s not dumb and he didn’t trip!” Nick said, his voice sounding almost panicked.

“And who’s anyone going to believe?” Carmelita said, smirking. “I’m the prettiest, most adorable, most talented girl in the whole wide school, and you’re just a cakesniffing orphan from the Orphans Shack. No wonder nobody wants you.”

“Take that back!” Nick said.

“Carmelita,” Isadora said, “If you don’t piss off right now, you’re getting a facefull of spaghetti as a tip!”

“I don’t have to take anything back. Everything I said is true.” Carmelita said. “You’re cakesniffing orphans, nobody wants you, and your stupid brother-”

It was about then that Nick leapt forwards and punched Carmelita across the face.

There was a deadly silence for a very, very long time.

“Shit.” Lilac muttered.

“You children are simply unbelievable!” Nero cried.

The six Baudelaires sat in chairs in front of Nero’s desk, miserably watching him pace back-and-forth, as Coach Genghis leaned against the wall, giving them satisfied smirks.

“Firstly, you punch our star student, the most adorable girl in the school who has never harmed a living soul!” Nero said.

“I wouldn’t say that.” said Nick, glaring down at the floor. He hadn’t looked anybody in the eye since he’d attacked Carmelita.

“I wouldn’t say that.” Nero imitated. “And then there’s your recent behavior in regards to classes and work. Solitude and Sunny have failed to transcribe all of my letters or answer all of my calls, and we’re out of staples. And as for the rest of you, Mr Remora and Ms Bass have told me that you have been failing all of your quizzes for the last several days- and you, Nick, have failed every exam since your second day here! Zeroes on everything.”

“Oh, there’s probably a reason for that.” Nick muttered.

“And you’ve missed several violin recitals!”

“That’s cause we’re at gym class all night!” Violet protested.

“That’s cause we’re at gym class all night! Excuses, excuses. Now, if it were up to me, I would throw you out of this school immediately. But we do have rules here. Rules that we must all follow.”

“Are there any rules about child labor?” Lilac asked, glancing at Sunny and Solitude.

Nero ignored this, or maybe he didn’t hear it. “Now, if you are truly competent students and secretaries, you will have one more opportunity to prove it. Tomorrow morning, you will take a test on the stories from Remora and measurements from Bass from the last few days, and Sunny and Solitude will make new staples for an administrative test.”

“How are they supposed to make new staples? They’re toddlers!” Klaus protested.

“They’re toddlers! They’re secretaries, they must find a way. If you should fail, though, Coach Genghis has graciously offered an alternative.”

The children froze up as Coach Genghis turned to wickedly smile at them. “Have you children ever heard of homeschooling?”

“Excuse me?” Lilac snapped.

“It is schooling, but at home. Where adults can pay more attention to individual issues and strengths.” said Coach Genghis.

“We know what homeschooling is.” Violet said. “We were-”

“If you should fail your tests,” said Nero, “You will be expelled. And if you are expelled, Coach Genghis will homeschool you until your banker can come to collect you.”

The children gaped. “Surely you can’t do that!” Nick said.

“Mr Poe wanted us to stay here!” Violet said.

“Mr Poe put you under my authority,” said Nero, “And I say that if you flunk out of school, you will go to the temporary custody of our wonderful gym teacher.”

“I can’t wait.” Coach Genghis said.

“Well,” Lilac said sharply, standing up and picking up Solitude, “We’ll go study.”

“Better hurry.” Genghis said. “I expect you in the field tonight for your Special Orphan Running Exercises.”

“What?” Nick said.

“You expect us to run tonight?” Violet said. “How are we supposed to study?”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Genghis said, smiling widely as his eyes shone.

“So that’s why he has you running.” Duncan said sadly. “To get you tired so you fail your classes.”

“We should’ve guessed before now.” Lilac said glumly. “How could I be so stupid?”

They all snuck into the library, where Duncan was quickly flipping through his commonplace book, marking all the pages where he’d taken notes on Remora’s stories, while Isadora marked all the pages with notes from Bass’s measurements. Sunny and Soli glumly sat on the carpet, watching Babbitt hop around, while Nick curled up on an empty shelf and refused to look at anyone, and Klaus leaned on Duncan’s shoulder, about to fall asleep.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Isadora said quickly. “It’s a convoluted plan, to be sure.”

“So we’re going to need a convoluted plan to thwart him.” Duncan said.

“We won’t be able to study everything and get to gym class.” Lilac said. “We don’t have time, unless we can be in two places at once.”

Duncan considered. “Maybe you can be.”

“Excuse me?” Klaus said, sitting up. “How can we do that?”

“We’ll be you.” Duncan said.

Klaus blinked. “What?”

“That’s good!” Isadora nodded. “You mean like Halloween, age nine?”

“Exactly like Halloween, age nine.” Duncan nodded.

“What’s ‘Halloween, age nine,’ and what are you planning?” Violet asked, as Nick slid from the shelf to sit beside them.

“Halloween, age nine,” Isadora said, “Was when we wanted to go as a certain family of six children. The problem being that there’re only three of us.”

“So we made figures of the other children and dragged them behind us on little wagons.” Duncan said. “We don’t have figures we can model, but the science room has human figurines we can probably dress up. In the dark, you won’t be able to tell they’re not moving.”

“And for the toddlers, we can drag some flour bags on string.” Isadora said. “There’s string in the art room that closed down, and flour in the kitchen…”

“I’m sorry, wait.” Lilac said, holding up a hand. “Are you saying that you want to go to gym class for us?”

“Absolutely.” Isadora nodded.

“Yep.” Duncan agreed.

“Oh, that’s not happening!” Lilac and Violet shouted.

“Absolutely not.” said Klaus and Nick.

“No!” Solitude and Sunny both shouted, startling Babbitt, who immediately leapt onto the top of Soli’s head.

“Look!” Duncan said. “Do you want to flunk out of school and get sent back to Olaf’s custody?”

“This is a good plan!” Isadora said. “We’ll get to work, and then you all hide in the Orphans Shack and study!”

“We don’t want you near Olaf.” Lilac said.

“What if he catches you?” Klaus asked.

“That won’t happen. We’ll be fine.” Isadora said. “We’ve gotten out of plenty of scrapes before, haven’t we?”

“Oh, definitely. Quigley’s gotten us into so much shit…” Duncan trailed off, glancing at the ground for a moment. And then he said, “Well, it’ll work. And it’s the only plan we’ve got.”

The Baudelaires glanced at each other. “I don’t like it.” Lilac said. “But if we don’t come up with something else, we’re stuck with Olaf.”

“We can’t ask you to do this for us.” Nick said quietly.

“We know you’re not asking.” Isadora said, smiling. “We’re volunteering.”

The Baudelaires all sighed, and then Lilac said, “Where’s the science room?”

“You know, if this wasn’t so stressful,” Duncan said, “This would be fun.”

Isadora nodded, tying her hair back with a ribbon. “It may not be particularly wise / But it’s a thrill to be disguised.”

They were back in the library; Isadora and Nick dragged in two mannequins from the science room, Lilac and Violet fetched the flour bags, and Klaus, Solitude and Sunny gathered together string and ribbons from the art room. Sunny sat on a chair with two pieces of metal, biting and bending them into the rough shape of glasses.

“Nick and Klaus tend to be the ones falling behind,” Lilac said, as she attached some string to a mannequin to resemble hair, “But unless you want to make a wig, Duncan, you should try to be Klaus. The glasses’ll stick better on you than the mannequin, and I seriously doubt Olaf notices who’s running faster anyway.”

Isadora finished tying her hair back, and she said, “Well, how do I look?”

Violet and Lilac glanced at her, and Violet stumbled, “Um. Different. Good- good different. Pretty- pretty good.”

“You look good.” Lilac said, giving her a nervous thumbs-up.

“This looks kinda like me.” Nick said, stepping away from the mannequin him and Soli had been messing with. “Where’d you get the uniforms, anyway?”

“We just stole some of our extras.” Isadora shrugged. “Don’t look so nervous, Klaus, think of this as an art project.”

“I’m nervous anyway.” Klaus said. Sunny let out a small yip and held out the glasses, and Klaus took them from her, turning around. “Duncan, you’ll- you’ll need these.”

Duncan took the glasses, putting them on. “Perfect.” he said, smiling a little.

Klaus blushed slightly. “Um… yeah. Yeah. You look… fine.”

Duncan grinned, and Nick punched Klaus on the shoulder as Soli giggled.

“Oh, um, also,” Klaus slowly pulled out the spyglass, sharing a look with Nick. “Take this. In case you need it.”

“I don’t think we will.” Isadora said, but she took it anyway. “But thank you.”

“You know, there’s still time to back out.” Lilac said. “You can just go back to the dorms and let us figure something out.”

Isadora shook her head. “We’re your friends. We’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

“But if something goes wrong-” Violet said.

“Nothing will go wrong.” Duncan assured her. “Nothing will go wrong at all. We’ll see you in the morning, Baudelaires.”

He took hold of the string on Nick’s mannequin, pulling it a little, smiling as it moved towards him. Another string was tied to its waist, holding a bag of flower shaped kind-of like Solitude.

“The devil’s tongue knot should hold those.” Lilac said.

“I’m sure they will.” Isadora said. “See you all soon!”

Her and Duncan ran out, then, dragging the mannequins and flour behind them.

“We shouldn’t have done this.” Nick said, as soon as they were gone. “We can’t just let them…”

“We can’t stop them.” Violet said. “So we might as well let them help.” She reached for the table, picking up Duncan and Isadora’s commonplace books. “Let’s get some studying done.”

As Lilac and Violet started to head out for the Orphans Shack, with Lilac picking up Sunny once she got close enough to lift her up, Klaus grabbed Nick’s hand, slowing him slightly. “Should I have given them the spyglass?” Klaus asked.

“It might be helpful.” Nick said quietly. “Don’t worry. Once we’ve foiled Olaf’s plans, we can all work on that thing together.”