#and I'm upset over the most superficial superfluous unimportant shit

[halfassedfangirling]

So tonight I had to say goodbye to my dream wedding. I've known for the last few weeks, honestly, when we did the math for the catering and the venue. That was already a lot of money. Can't have a smaller guest list or people will be offended (and by people I mean my mother-in-law). And if catering and venue should make up half the budget, then we're looking at 30k. I don't have a degree (yet). I don't have a career. Right now I'm staying at home with our child. Even if my fiancé is earning well now, that's just him. I can't contribute anything. My parents can't contribute anything and I'd be embarrassed to ask. They've already told me that I'm their most expensive child. The last time we fought, I was determined to pay them back, at least all the money they had put into me in recent years and then I felt really down because how could I get 5k together? My grandmother might be able to contribute, but I'd kill myself before I asked her for money for something as frivolous as a wedding. She has already given me so much. My fiancé's mother had always loudly declared that they would pay for our wedding, which I felt odd about, because she's not that educated and doesn't make that much money (working jobs that you don't need a degree or apprenticeship for, which I'm not knocking because I don't have a degree or apprenticeship either) and once other people are paying for your wedding, it's no longer your wedding, but theirs.

But we sat down tonight with his parents to look at the guest list and the catering/venue budget and crunch the numbers. Watching my fiancé and his father argue made me not want to have a wedding at all.

So the venue I dreamed of (a palace, but they are a dime a dozen in Germany) is out of the question. So is probably any other palace. And they're saying, "Oh, but you could still have a nice wedding." Where? In a barn? In a village hall with the gymnasium flooring? Sorry to be a bitch about it, but that's not what I want. I dreamed of an elegant, romantic, admittedly expensive wedding reception in a palace ballroom. I dreamed of being a princess for a day. "But the atmosphere is so much better when people are relaxed. What's the point of a pretty backdrop if it's sterile? People won't be able to let loose in a hoity-toity environment like that." Well, if that's the case, why don't we celebrate our wedding reception in a McDonald's? That's not hoity-toity at all.

If I have to make big compromises like that for my wedding, then I'd rather not have one. Let's put the money towards property, a house. I would be fine with spending a lot of money on one day, if I got the party I wanted. The venue, the menu, the stationery, the dress, the flowers... I would be a bit disappointed, but fine with just doing a courthouse ceremony and saving money for something we would have more of than a fancy party. But to compromise? Never. Unfortunately, I'm not marrying myself. And my fiancé still wants a wedding. Church service, wedding reception. He thinks it's not bad if his friends can "let loose" more. Yes, let's just have a boozefest, shall we? I don't want to settle on a wedding I don't like. I don't want a rustic wedding in a barn. I can't say that I really don't care anymore and that my fiancé should plan everything and leave me out of the planning entirely because I am totally disinterested, or he'll be upset. I KNOW the marriage is more important than the wedding. I know it's his wedding, too. I despise the idea of spending a lot of money, not as much, but still a lot, on a wedding that's not my style. That's the farthest thing from what I've been dreaming about. I tried to hype myself up for it. I told him, "It's OK, people still have beautiful budget weddings. Beautiful rustic weddings, beautiful industrial weddings, beautiful garden weddings..." But I'm not interested in those types of weddings. I tried to go on Pinterest and get inspired by different, less expensive style weddings, but I guess it's too soon. It just made me feel bitter and enraged.

I know I'm being superficial and bitchy. But it's hard to let go of a dream that I'd been dreaming so long. And people will say that I'm pouting, but I am a sort of all-or-nothing person. Not great at compromise, I guess. Maybe it's because it's not much of a compromise? A compromise would mean I get some of what I want. But the dress I picture in my head... wouldn't that look silly in a barn? The flowers and decor, wouldn't those clash with the gymnasium flooring of a village hall? Shouldn't things match and vibe together? You can't put a sow in a dress, and you can't have an elegant, princess-style wedding in a location like what my in-laws suggested. I know I'm being terrible. But if my wedding can't be as I'd like it I'd rather not have one. I'd rather not have a wedding than have a wedding I'm not into.

Does that make sense? Someone tell me I'm making sense. Someone tell me the bolded sentence doesn't make me a bitchy would-be bridezilla.

I don't know how I'm going to shift my tastes and mindset. My fiancé is a wonderful, lovely person and an amazing father to our child and a thoughtful, considerate partner who has gone through so much with me. He's put up with so much of my shit. I will have to find a way to grin and bear it and seem interested and engaged. If he wants a wedding, he should get a wedding. And that means I'll have to be by his side and convince him that I'm having a good time. It'd be unfair to him to pout and sulk. Even though that's all I feel like doing.

I deleted my 'Wedding' Pinterest board. I felt like that was the first step. My plan is to not look at anything wedding related and then piggyback off of whatever my fiancé comes up with. Don't know how to not get my hopes up or fall in love with something too expensive otherwise.