#and I'm reminded of spending the last several days trying to massage it or trigger point it or accupressure it into obedience

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

The worst feeling in the world was being mid motion and experiencing a muscle just spasming like a 13 year old at a black light themed dance party for a solid two minutes until suddenly every muscle in my torso and my entire intestinal tract relaxed like bitch what the FUCK was that and why did you decide to Crazy Frog your way to a sense of emotional and physical security?

I have spent the last five days in varying levels of pain from *curled up in the fetal position on the floor sobbing* to *dissociating to survive the day* and sleeping barely 3 hrs a night and absolutely nothing has helped, not ice packs, not hot baths, not my pain meds (otc or prescribed), not physio, nothing.

I drag myself to therapy today (bless wifey for driving my whimpery butt in) preparing to mumble my way thru a session and my therapist just listens like he has been, starts the same somatic work we've been doing for a month now, and within THIRTY GODDAMN MINUTES I FEEL FUCKING FINE??????

Therapist gently reminds me that you can't just turn on all the signals again after they got turned off for literally never not having sething wrong and expect to not be in pain. Right. Tuning into the body again means becoming aware of all the things that hurt. Becoming aware of all the things that hurt means having a panic response and trying to "survive" overwhelming and unliveable amounts of pain. I have to keep responding to and winding down that pain as well as my body's autonomic response, or all I'm doing is retraumatizing my system. Hahahahahaha. Fuck.

I fucking hate my flesh suit. It is the worst. Apparently I get to spend all day every day doing somatic exercises now or my body collapses in spasming horrors. Anyway, I feel like a fucking cement roller has been dancing the Moringa on my fucking spine, but at least I'm capable of lying down without screaming again.

Time for another round of stupid somatic body/breath work again I guess.