#and I'm hoping it helps me fix my sleep schedule down the road

[im-no-jedi]

I’ve been using the Pokemon Sleep app since it first launched and have been enjoying it immensely

it’s actually helped me start a regular bedtime routine every night, which I’ve sorely needed

however I don’t appreciate it calling me out for having inconsistent sleep times, like yes, thank you, I’m well aware I have insomnia thanks lfkgjhgfldkjs

[tomatoswup]

Hello !! Can i have some fluff for tristamp!vash please 👉👈 (i'm sorry if i made some grammatical mistakes, english is not my first language :'))

Reader is ww's little sister, and she admires her brother so much that she would copy his cool characteristics, but deep down her personality is more shy, introverted, pure and innocent (as a result of hanging around with vash). One day ww asked his sister to go and confess to vash already (bcs ww can't take it anymore to see both vash and his sister just so sickeningly oblivious about eachother's feelings). So the reader went to confess to vash trying to be cool like her brother and all but failed miserably and return to her original personality (which leaves her stuttering, fidgeting, etc.)

I just realized it's so long- (I'm sorry 😔) feel free to pass this req :D and please keep yourself safe and healthy despite your busy schedule ^^

Confess!

A/N: Thank you for the request anon🫶🫶 This came out alot more longer than i thought,, also sorry for the late response I was multitasking with some work I was doing for school :/ i hope i did the request right -wheeze- Sorry for making you wait D: Enjoy🌱

warnings/tags: vash x reader, little sister!reader and big brother! Wolfwood,,, fluff, 2 am writing bc i need to fix my sleep schedule asap💪💪,, trigun coded chaotic confession from reader,,

Wolfwood liked to consider himself to be an observer, in more ways than one. Being a "priest" on the side, observation was one of the key things he did to keep both you and him alive in these treacherous deserts of No Man's Land but sometimes.

Oh just sometimes, it felt like a curse. And maybe it felt like that because he had watched on as his baby sister slowly fell in love with a moralistic idiot...Eh like a quarter of an idiot really.

"Ow ow ow..." Vash winced in pain as you tightened the bandages on his arm. After a nasty bounty hunter encounter, the group of you guys had decided to take a moments break from the road and crash at this small town that hadn't been too far from where you guys had been. And since having been given a med-kit by a kind family you had run into a while back, you took it upon yourself to patch everyone up with a stern eye, one that Wolfwood often shot at people.

In reality, it was the worst stern eye that Wolfwood couldn't help but want to stifle his laugh.

"Oh shut it, always getting hurt." You scoffed at the sorry-smiling blonde, cleaning the small gash on his right cheek "You act like you can’t die Vash, we're not all immortal..." He let out another small squeak of pain as you accidentally pressed down a little too hard on the wound "You need to take care of yourself a little more."

"Sorry about that.. I’ll try to be careful next time.." Vash sweat-dropped, trying to stop shying away from the cloth of alcohol you held up to him.

From above, Wolfwood dug into the pockets of his jacket, rummaging for another loose lollipop as he watched from the top compartment of the car in silence to not disturb the pair of you.

What? He was there first! Talking about ruining his evening nap..He put the newly found lollipop into his mouth and continued to watch on.

"Hey..." Vash muttered as you swiped your finger across his cheek, making sure the bandage held up.

"Hm?"

With a jolt, you quickly looked up when you felt the warmth of another hand cover your own. "Are you okay?" Vash asked softly as he gave you a concerned glint. Shit, you hadn't noticed you were slightly trembling.

Maybe that encounter ruffled your feathers a bit too much...Were you okay?

"I-" You choked out, feeling that odd churning sensation in your chest that you've only really come to realize you would get only around him. And it made you mentally blow a fuse.

W-What do you say!?!

It took a moments thought before you regained your composure at the sudden touch "I'm..I’m fine Vash.” You reassured him, playfully using your freehand to fix the glasses that had been falling off his nose “Don’t worry about me.”

'Are you kidding me?' Wolfwood thought in exasperation. 2 months, these small little talks and touches have been going on for 2 months now. Two months of him enclosed in a car as the both of you passively flirted with each other.

Yes, passive. Little bits here and there and suddenly you wear his jacket sometimes?

He can't handle the both of you anymore, it felt like he was drinking a overly sugary soda.

At least put a name to it!

Spotting Roberto making his way back to the car from not too far away, an idea struck up in Wolfwood's mind. Something to end the suffering, and something to perhaps help his little sister out.

"HEY ROBERTO!" Wolfwood lazily called out, jump scaring both Vash and you into standing like mercenaries ready for war. Looking up, you couldn't help but frown to see your brother mischievously waving down at the two of you.

"TAKE NEEDLE NOGGIN WITH YOU TO FIND SOME OF THE CAR PARTS! Let his ass do something..." He muttered the last part under his breath as Vash sighed, ultimately being pulled from the back of his jacket by Roberto who continued to walk down the road.

Was that a "Can we leave" from Roberto or was it just you?

"I'LL BE BACK!" You heard the spiky blonde shout out to you, and well, you couldn't help but laugh out and wave.

"Now that he's gone..." Wolfwood pressed down on the lollipop with his teeth until a small crack emitted, starting to chew on the poor candy "Seriously? Why don't you just tell him you like him already?"

Stuffing the med-kit back into your bag, you brushed him off "Nic I don't like him.."

Your brother let out a large, rugged laugh "Are you kidding me? For just being friends you two spend an awful long time alone together."

You felt the heat rise up to your face and god did you hope that it was because of the sun.

"Sorry but I'm gettin' tired of seeing the two of you pin for each-"

Wolfwood was interrupted by your muttering, making him hop off the roof of the car for a closer listen "Wanna say that one more time?"

"I can't..." You muttered as you slapped your hands on your cheeks, shooting your older brother a worried, red look "What if he says no?"

No?

You were worried if the love-struck idiot said no?

Have you really not seen how he would stare at you?

Wolfwood couldn't help but tilt his head in disbelief, the stick of his lollipop hanging off the edge of his mouth "Did you really- You try acting like me but you can't confess a little crush? What happened to that?"

You couldn't help but let out a tired exhale, he did have a point after all. As much as you did try to act like him, all brave and careless, you weren't him. Most honestly, the opposite and Vash had come to prove it too many times that you could count.

And maybe you were a bit too mean while you were putting bandages on him..

You covered your mouth, shyly looking away from your brothers' gaze.

Those times he had comforted you whenever you couldn't sleep, or when you were hurt-

"Oh spare me the shyness!" Wolfwood put a hand on his waist, putting his weight to one leg "Shit, if you don't tell him then I'd might as well-"

"NO!" You gasped out in horror at the idea. "No?"

Picking your bag off the floor, you massaged the bridge of your nose "I'll....Shit I'll do it."

Eh, Wolfwood bet two lollipops and a cup of sand that you were really gonna do it. But anything to end this suffering he's witnessed for god knows how long.

"Well, I'm just sayin' you should do it already. Its been way past due anyways..." He flickered his eyes back to you as he roughly ruffled the top of your head, making you whine in annoyance "Ouch Nic stop-"

"Just tell me when you do it. I'll kick his ass if he tries anything weird-"

"SERIOUSLY!?"

"I'M BEING SERIOUS!"

///

And that's how you found yourself outside the small town's saloon. Having asked Meryl where Roberto had dragged Vash, she pointed you to the right direction yet it was one you were a bit hesitant to follow.

Did you ever expect yourself to go into a saloon alone?

Hell no, you didn't even really find yourself talking to people in places like that. The last few times you've actually visited a saloon were only really just you sitting in a corner with Meryl or trying your best to sit away from people, watching as you ate your little plate of food but...

Would it really look weird if you strolled right in?

"It's alright..." You egged yourself on quietly "You can do it..Maybe if I just stroll in like Nic it'll be easy..."

I don't think you've seen how Wolfwood himself has entered bars...yikes..

With only a seconds hesitation, you pushed your legs forward and through the wooden double doors of the saloon, striding right into the loud bustling energy filled room.

Okay maybe you should’ve waited a bit more-

Yelling, laughing and god knows what those words were thrown in the air as the severe smell of sweat reached your nose, making you instinctively scrunch your face in disgust. Ew.

"Excuse me miss!" A waitress yelped out, making you take a quick step back nearly avoiding a bad collision with the poor girl serving drinks. Busy day it seemed, but you were here for other things.

Let's see, where could the two of them be- The sudden shout of your name made you do a double take around the room until the flash of red met your eyes and before you realized it, you saw Vash's waving hand of blue shine under the lights.

Well that was easier than you thought!

A wide smile on his face, his eyes practically sparkled as you pushed past several bar-goers and to his table. "Aren't I glad to see you!" Taking the seat next to him, you looked around the room once again "Wasn't Roberto suppose to..." You trailed off, turning and seeing the bummed out look on Vash's face.

"Well, we were gonna get the parts, but he saw the sign outside-"

Ohhh, the "if you bring two people they'll give you 50% off" poster...Made a lot more sense to be honest.

"And well, I guess you know what happened from there..." He sighed, resting his head on his hand, closing his eyes dramatically before batting them up at you "Now why are you here? I know you're not a big fan of these kinds of places."

So it did look weird!

Oh god...Your face began to feel a bit more hotter than usual as you unconsciously started playing around with a loose thread on your pants "Oh um...W-Well I came to tell you..." You nervously laughed out as Vash obliviously smiled at you, waiting for your response.

What if he said no?

With that singular thought, that singular worry that ran through your head once again, you choked. Nope, you couldn't do this.

You felt your heart beat against the walls of your chest alongside the loud environment and it felt...overwhelming. You should’ve done this another time.

The wooden chair scratched across the floor behind you as you shot up from your seat, making Vash jump a little "Actually Vash, I actually wanted to show you something I learned!” You fake laughed, taking a few steps back "But I just think it's bad timing maybe if I could just go outside to think about it-" Fumbling over your words, you hadn't completely taken in your surroundings when suddenly, you felt your back bump into one of the servers.

And with a scream, the server flew backwards and straight into the nearby table, flipping everything onto the...Very burly men sitting around it.

oops…

"HEY!" One of them hollered at you as you threw your hands up in surrender, the bar shushing down as the rest of the men began to spit out threats like venom.

"Woah woah woah! Hey guys, can't we all calm down and just chat? Haha? Maybe my friend here could show you a few tricks she just learned!" Vash intervened, putting a hand on your shoulder as he pulled you back behind him, putting his own body infront of you. Sweat starting to run on his forehead, he gave you one last nervous smile, teeth baring out “Right?”

Definitely not.

As if everything froze, the saloon had gone as silent as a library after Vash's remark.

Ohhh you fucked up...

Big time.

It was until the sudden shout of "Bar Fight!" had run through the room that you snapped out of your daze, realizing someone move faster than you had.

Vash took the opportunity to quickly turn and tackle you down to the ground just in time to dodge various glass bottles that had been heading your way.

"Gotcha!" Vash breathed out, pushing a wooden table down so that the both of you could take cover from the mess that was amping up at every second. The screams, yells and things breaking had made you put your hand over your mouth and listen in horror at the mess you had just created because of your last minute attempt to run away.

"Vash I'm so sorry oh my god.." You cried out from beside him as he gave you a nervous laugh "It's really no problem- GYAH!" He screamed, throwing himself forwards whilst pulling you along to avoid the body of a heavy-weight bounty hunter that had almost been thrown into you guys.

"LIKE I WAS SAYING, THERES NOT REALLY ANY PROBLEM! WE BOTH KNOW THIS IS THE KIND OF TROUBLE I ALWAYS FALL IN!" He yelped as you hurridly crawled to the next table for cover, Vash following behind.

"WHAT DID YOU REALLY WANNA SAY? AT THE TABLE?!" He loudly asked as you snapped your red face to him.

Crap.

Can't escape it now can you?

“I LIKE YOU!” You blurted out over the noise, catching him off guard "But! But uh! Not like the regular kinda like ya know!? More like a like-like? More like you make my stomach flutter and-" You continued to jumble your thoughts out as they zipped through your mind at the speed of light.

Fight or flight? HELL FLIGHT!

Pulling yourself up from the floor and onto your feet, you looked back down at Vash without thinking “IT'S OKAY IF YOU DON'T-"

"WATCH OUT!"

//

By the end of the day, everything worked out! Uh...Kinda.

"Ow ow ow..." You groaned, trying to lean away from Vash as he wiped the dirt off from the bump on your forehead.

"Hey don't lean away from me~"

This felt familiar didn’t it?

Well, besides getting hit with a metal serving pan square in the head, the both of you were able to get out of that hell hole without any other big injuries besides from your dignity.

And you made a big note to yourself currently sitting on the saloon steps, to never go into a saloon again.

Of course you had to make such a mess whilst just trying to confess your love to someone, it just had to be your luck! Maybe that was what Wolfwood was rubbing off on you!

You tried your best to avoid Vash's peering eyes as the tips of his fingers caressed your forehead, causing goosebumps to run up your shoulders "I never gave you an answer did I?" He pondered. And before you knew it, you felt a quick sting of pressure on your forehead and right on the bump, both hands of his gentle with holding the sides of your cheeks.

"V-Vash!?" You gaped out as he backed away, the blush on his face mimicking your own as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand "You really had a man's heart pumping with what you said back there! It might have not been as pretty with, uh ya know..” He wiped the bump on your forehead with his thumb “But I’ll always say yes, even if you confessed to me in the deserts or in space..”

You stifled your laugh “Oh really?”

“Definitely.”

The sun had begun to set orange and yellow, illuminating the back of Vash’s body and thinking about it, you hadn't regret all those feelings, or this chaotic moment with him.

It felt like a mental photo that you had taken as those bright blue eyes shined adoringly at you as you couldn't help but break out into giggles.

“You beat me to it though…” He chuckled as he got up and offered his hand down to you. "How does breakfast sound? Maybe I could..confess my love to you in donuts?”

“Well don’t mind if I do~”

Breakfast sounded perfect.

[mygloviesme]

cool about it. || myg

no. 8: trying to forget about it

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: kanako is an established idol with a growing career and a secret relationship with a producer from her label, haneul. when she’s asked to work with yoongi and rm to create a track for her, she gains unexpected feelings for a certain upcoming rapper. with her increasing fame, her controlling boyfriend, a set of six boys who seem to have grown an attachment to her, and a new boy who’d give her the world, how will she figure out a way to balance it all?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 3.5k

genre: ANGST, friends(?) to lovers, slow burn, lots of pining, slight fluff

chapter warnings: toxic relationship (not w/myg), mentions of mental health

inspo song: silver springs (live at warner brothers studip) by fleetwood mac

"I know i could have loved you, but you would not let me."

MARCH 3RD, 2012, 11:59PM

I’ve still managed to keep myself awake even though everyone started snoring the minute their heads hit the pillow. Which was 30 minutes ago. I knew they had to start recording early tomorrow and working on their debut album, but it didn’t help that my sleep schedule had messed up due to my lack of responsibilities. Which, resulted in me doom-thinking until 2am most nights. Yes, I’ve named it doom-thinking because of the absence of my phone. It surprises me too, how I’ve managed without it. But it’s almost peaceful, if it wasn’t for my negative ideas that storm my headspace to make up for it. 

“Go to sleep.” I hear Yoongi say, groggily. I know he doesn’t like his sleep to be interrupted and me shifting around under the comforters probably doesn’t help. 

“I…can’t.” I admit. 

I hear his body turn over, and I lean towards the edge of the bed, resting my cheek on the border of the mattress. I try to adjust my eyes to see his face and can make up some features but it’s mostly his eyes. They just sparkle even in the darkness, what can I say? Like stars.

I make out the sound of his deep breath, which I presume to be a sigh. 

“What’re you thinking about?” He fixes his gaze to look into mine. 

“Just…him.” I mutter. He’s not the ideal person to be confiding in about Haneul, but I know he’s my friend before anything else.

“I see.” 

“Do you want to meet me outside…on the balcony?” I whisper. 

I see him nod and I quietly move from the bed, Yoongi following suit. I unlock the door and open it, unable to stop the loud creak it makes which causes a wince from me. We both rush out and I look back to see Yoongi grabbing a blanket in a brisk move, being the one to close the balcony door. We both take a breath of relief, hoping no one heard. 

He takes my hand and brings me down to the tile ground near the railing. We both sit next to each other in front of the quiet road as he unfolds the thick blanket and drapes it over our connected shoulders. He tugs at the end of my side of the blanket, making sure I’m fully covered. 

“That okay?” He asks and I reply with a soft bob of the head. 

He confidently takes my hand again, this time only placing his palm on the top of my hand. 

“What about him?” He breaks the ice.

I hum, looking to the stars. “Just how painful it all is.” 

He squeezes my hand and follows my gaze to the stars as well. 

The quiet outside is nice and unheard of lately. Usually it’s blocked by all the fans and paparazzi that stand outside at 5am, no later, no earlier. 

“I just,” I say, knowing there’s tears to come. “It seems like I can’t catch a break. Like I'm always wondering when the next bad thing will happen.” Uh-oh, the wall is crashing down. 

“I understand that.” He whispers. 

There’s now tears running down my face, and I let myself look at him, look at me. Vulnerability and all. His hand trails to underneath my chin and wipes the clear liquid that’s pooling around it. He keeps his hand there for a while, moving to my cheek. 

“Yoongi, I have something to admit.” I choke. Slow down, Kanako, what’re you doing? 

Don’t say it, don’t say it. This is enough for now. If you cross that line there’s no going back. He’ll leave you and convince the others to, too. You’ll be lonely all over again. 

I jolt my head away from him and his hand, looking down and blinking the tears away. I shrug the blanket off my shoulder and hold the tile floor to balance myself as I get up. To avoid this, whatever this is. Whatever we are. Running away. 

“Kanako, don’t do that.” He said as I was about to turn on my heels. 

I look back to him, the blanket falling from his body as he reaches for me. 

“I can’t do this. I don’t want to-”

“Don’t want to what? Tell me. Please.” He pleads. He leans his body forward, hand still floating in the air and waiting. I clench my hand in a fist before relaxing it, but I still don’t accept his hand. I stand there, looking away from him. Don’t make me say it. Please. 

“Kanako..” He whispers and gets up from his position, closening our bodies. His hands travel to my forearms and he’s looking at me so intently. That same glimmer, sparkle in his eyes that I’ve gotten to know so well. His fingers are long and slender, and they fit around me perfectly. Like a glove. We’re almost eye level but he’s still a few inches taller than me. It’s all too perfect, all too destined. Like this was always meant to be. His heart near mine, our minds connected with the flick of sparks above us. He has the key to me, but I don’t remember giving it to him. 

I have his full attention which is something I’ve never experienced before. I wish he’d stop being so flawless. He mirrors my worried look but he pulls it off much better, easier. He’s holding me like water in his hands. But even with the cracks between his fingers, still no drops have yet to fall. He’s so careful with me. How is it that I feel like I’ve known him my whole life?

I’m not a bomb to him, I’m not ticking with only seconds left. He makes me feel like we have forever. More tears, more silent sobs. I tuck my head in his shoulder and he pulls me in. His long arms are wrapped around my fragile body. It’s like I’m scattered with shards of glass but he’s still willing to get cut. Like I’m ridden with poison but he’ll still drink me in. This is so hard but he makes it so much easier. Like her, like my mother. Like home. 

“Let me love you. Let all of us love you.” He says, and I know it’s only platonically. But his plea sounds like he needs a door to open for it to become romantic with him. Like he has that key in his back pocket but he needs permission to open it. He won’t barge in. Not like Haneul. He won’t break my door down, shatter my windows, set me on fire. He’ll wait outside patiently with a flower in his hand and words of comfort. He’ll wait. For me?

I reply with more crying, soaking his shoulder. He rocks me slightly side by side. Small shh, shh’s, escape his mouth. He hums in my ear and comforts me in this moment, under the stars. Under the universe. Reaching a hand out before crossing the road with me, packing my lunch for me, waiting for me as I tie my shoes. That’s what he exudes. 

“Let’s go inside and let me hold you, ‘kay? Nothing tied to it, just me helping you sleep.” He reassures me, and for once I look up to him and wipe my tears, nodding. He dips to grab the blanket before holding my waist and opening the door. 

I spot a dim light being on in the corner of the room and see Jungkook sitting patiently on his bed. He looks to me and Yoongi, “Can I join you guys?” He murmurs sleepily, rubbing his eyes. I feel Yoongi’s grip loosen and he gestures to the small bed that’s supposedly going to fit the three of us. 

Yoongi is the first to slide in, me going next, and Jungkook completing the sandwich. Jungkook is almost like a child the way he needs my affection. But I don’t mind it, it’s comforting. Like I said, I like that they need me. Want me, platonically for the most part. Plus it makes sleeping with Yoongi easier if I feel like we’re just friends snuggling together, nothing more. He did say that initially, but I know it wasn’t entirely true. I couldn’t help the way I watched him close eyes, having the biggest urge to reach my hand into his hair. Friend’s do that, but not the way I wanted to. 

I can imagine it now, feeling the black strands between my fingers like silk. Traveling it down to his eyes and circling them slowly, feeling ease that I know what it’s like to touch him. To feel his skin beneath my fingers. I scoot my head closer to him, Jungkook’s hold on me tightening. Me and Yoongi aren’t holding each other at all, but I feel like we are, with how close we’ve become. I press my forehead against his and sleep at last, putting my thoughts at ease. Giving myself a break for once. 

MARCH 4TH, 2012, 9:22AM

I wake gently to the lack of Jungkook’s embrace and Yoongi’s breath. The dorm is empty and looks like it’s been rummaged through with the way clothes are scattered all around the floor. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and stretch, before going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth with the spare they have for me. It’s ridiculous, I know, considering my dorm is only across from theirs, but that’s just how thoughtful they are. Or at least Namjoon, the one who got me the toothbrush anyway. I splash some water on my face and pat it down, taking a slow breath as I walk about the dorm. 

Although today, I’m not sure I want to be stuck with my thoughts, all alone. So I throw on another set of whoever’s clothes I see in the closet and slide on my shoes, leaving to go watch the boys as they practice. 

I walk down the halls down to the elevator, humming to myself as It sends me to the bottom. BigHit wasn’t overflowing with money, but they spent it on smart things. Like a working elevator, to avoid having to walk down many stairs. But with how much they want us to diet and exercise, you’d think they’d ban us from taking the elevator. 

The doors part open and I see a group of staff members who give me a warm smile. I respond with one back, feeling a joyous sensation in my heart. It’s nice having it be such a safe space for me here now, and I’m eternally grateful for Bang-PD for doing that. I know other companies would’ve kicked me out for this scandal. But not Bang, he has this unbelievable faith in his idol’s that I’m not sure anyone outside of here could understand.  

I approach the doors of the practice room, peering inside the small window. I see the boys all dancing in unison to what I come to know later as their debut song. It’s a little silly seeing them so focused and driven, bodies sweating and breathing fastening. But I feel proud when I observe them. Maybe I won’t renew my contract. If I stay, they’ll only be tied to my scandal. We’ll have to sit apart during award shows, not hang out in public. Just because of me and what I did. 

I’ll think about that more later. 

Once I see them settle down I open the doors, seeing a beaming Jungkook stand to wrap me in an embrace. 

“Kanako, why are you here?” He exclaims like there’s something wrong. 

We pull apart and I scrunch my eyebrows, “Because I missed you all?”

“Look at her! She was just cuddling up with Yoongi and Jungkook but she still misses us!” Hoseok dramatically falls to the floor with his hand on his head like a damsel in distress. I chuckle, “Okay, okay. I was just lonely. It’s either watch TV or watch you guys.” I gush. 

Like every time, I look for Yoongi but sense his absence. “Where’s Yoongi?” I ask while I dart my eyes around the room. 

“Oh, he’s in the studio. Says he got a surge of inspiration. Wonder what that’s about…” Jimin teases. “You should go visit him, I’m sure he’d like your company.” He adds. 

“Yeah I think he’d like more than that.” Namjoon shakes his head while receiving a shove from Seokjin. Jungkook pouts at me, “Don’t leave yet Kanako, we want to show you our dance.” 

I tilt my head, “Jungkook, I've seen you guys dance plenty of times before. Plus, it’ll be quick. I just want to say hi, okay?” I caress his arm. He slouches and nods in defeat, returning to be sat with the rest of the boys. I give them one last wave, “I’ll be back in a moment!” I say and proceed to walk down the hall, to the right, where the studio is. The studio where I met him. 

It’s also the hallway I’ve avoided these past two weeks. But for Yoongi, I persevere. Looking away from where Haneul had me, like it’s a horrible car crash that I can look away from. I keep my head down like a scolded puppy, and I know I must look weird if anyone were to see me right now. But I try to not get embarrassed from how far I’m willing to go to contain my sanity. 

I reach my hand to give it a couple knocks, hearing Yoongi. 

“Leave me alone, Namjoon.” 

“Uh, it’s Kanako.”

The door swings open, and he stands there with messy hair and his pj’s. 

“Oh, sorry. Namjoon has been trying to get me to practice but-”

“You’ve been working on a song?” I ask, looking over his shoulder to see an opened laptop and scattered notepad paper. He scratches the back of his neck, “Uh- trying to, at least.” He mumbles. 

I walk towards the paper, picking one up before he snatches it from my hand quickly. He shuffles them all together and taps them on the table in place. “It’s not finished, and it’s kind of dumb.” I place my hand over his, “I’m sure it isn't. Can I read, please?” 

He lets me win this time, handing over one piece of paper. “This idea just popped in my head, it-it’s nothing. It probably won’t make it to this album but…” He says quietly. I read the top of the paper that says, in bold letters, Just One Day. 

There’s only a few lines, but I read it attentively. 

If only I had just one day

I want to peacefully fall asleep intoxicated with your sweet scent

If there’s a chance in my busy schedule

I want to put my body in your warm and deep eyes

I like that, your long, straight hair

Your breathtaking neck when you

Put it up and the strands that fall out

This isn’t about me, right? It can’t be. There’s no way he’d write a song about me. Not even Haneul did that, and we dated for ten months. I’ve known Yoongi for a much shorter time span, it’s just-

“It’s about you.” He blurts out. He tightens his lip as if he never intended on saying those words. And a sinking feeling in my chest wishes he didn’t either. We held hands, slept together, nearly kissed, but this was too much for me to bear. It seemed so intimate, I knew the line that I had set had been crossed. But the real question was, is this a line that had never existed in the first place? Was it only to lurk back into the shadows, hiding away from any sort of care or love anyone could have for me ever again?

“I-”

“You don’t have to say anything, Kanako. Just let me be a boy writing a song about a girl. Nothing in between.”

“No one’s ever done this for me before.” I say, feebly. 

He takes my hands, his palms warm and welcoming, “Then let me be the first.” 

Corny, but genuine. 

My eyes carry from his hands to his eyes, giving a disheartened smile. I don’t feel like I’m worth a song. He takes me and sits me down on the rolly chair next to his. He takes the paper from my hands and looks over to the chair behind us, “You were there when we met for the first time.”

I giggle softly, almost embarrassed. “Yes, unfortunately.”

He backs away from me in playful shock, “Unfortunately?” 

I blow a raspberry, “Well I just wish it could’ve been more of a natural meeting. Like a meet-cute.”

“I’m sorry Kanako, but I think that’s as meet-cute as it gets.” 

“You may be right about that.” I laugh, looking back over to the chair. 

I smile to myself warmly, my curiosity getting the best of me. “What is it?” He asks. 

I turn to him again, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”

He leans back in his chair, whispering a slight ‘ahh’ and nodding. His stare moves to the ceiling, thinking for a while. He tightens his mouth in a line again before sucking in his teeth, “Do you want the full truth? Or the I'm-trying-not-to-embarrass myself truth?” He asks. 

I hum, “Both.”

MAY 11TH, 2011, 7:15

I’m sitting on Haneul’s lap in his personal studio. It’s much nicer than the other one, due to the amount of money he seems to flock in with every hit he produces. He’s writing something down as I look around the room, admiring the photographs and paintings he has set up. 

His sets his pen down and wraps his arms around me, looking at me from above.

“Something on your mind, bee?” He asks. I love when he calls me that. He’s created many pet names for me, this one we use as a code name when we’re around other people. It’s like an undercover baby. They all think we’re just a pair of talented people who work well together. 

I nod, “What did you think when you first met me?” 

He smirks and grabs my wrist to place soft kisses up my arm, moving his hand to my chin to pull me down for a kiss. “Well, we were in the conference room when we first met, right?”

“Yes, that’s right.” I whisper. 

He purrs into my mouth, deepening our kiss before pulling away. He has that same smirk, and I wait eagerly for his answer. I knew you were the one. It was love at first sight. I wanted to be around you all the time. You were so funny, Kanako. Your smile felt so warm. I just wanted to-

“-bend you over on that glass table and pound into you.” He whispers in my ear. I sit still while his tongue traces my ear lobe, clueless as to what to say. That’s not what I expected, but it creates a reaction beneath my underwear. He doesn’t hesitate to slip his hand down my shorts, dipping his finger between my lips. I moan quietly from the sudden motion. 

It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what he needs. 

MARCH 4TH, 2012, 10:02AM 

“The half truth is, I liked you. I liked your voice and the way you connected with the music like I did. I thought we were very similar.” He puts it simply. 

I raise my eyebrow amusingly, “And the whole truth?”

He throws his head back and laughs with scarlet cheeks, “It’s uh- dumb.” He settles. 

I tilt my head and pout, taking that move from Taehyung. “Can’t be that bad.” Oh, yes it can. 

“Okay, okay.” He sighs. “I really liked you.” 

I give him a light shove on his shoulder, “Yoongi….”

“Alright, I’ll be serious.”

“Thank you.”

Our eyes lock, “You were so…perfect. Like, obviously I’ve seen you on TV and social media and I knew you were…well, you know. But I felt like I couldn’t even believe that you existed, and that you looked like that, and you were in front of me. I mean, when you asked me to rap on your song, Kanako…I think I died.”

“So you were a fangirl.”

His expression changes, falling flat. “No. I admired you. You were so talented like I thought you’d be, but you exceeded my expectations.” 

I fiddle with his wrist, writing lines along his veins with my fingers. “And when you saw me in the hallway?” I whisper, fearful. 

He removes his hands and uses them to cup my face, “Same thing, Kanako. I was just confused, but I didn’t think of you any different.”

“Really?”

He seems taken aback from my surprise, “I mean, he was my senior. I thought he was a good guy but-”

“But?”

He caresses my cheek with his thumb, “That changed. I wanted to protect you.”

Protect me? Wait-

When a thought pushes to the start of my tongue, I can't help it from rolling off. “Were you the one that told Bang about me and Haneul?” I ask in one single breath. 

click here to read more of this story!

an: it was so fun writing this one! I loved playing around with kanako and yoongi’s dynamic. keep in mind kanako is 18 and yoongi is also supposed to be 18 (i think I did the math right) so they’re kind of evolving as they go due to being teenagers. don’t hate on my girl kanako she’s going through it, truly. also, I had a very different idea for this chapter and ended up deleting all of it because it really did not fit the story. bc probably like most of you reading this, I’m also very inpatient with their love story. this is actually something I wouldn’t have read myself in the past, admittedly, but as I get older I like taking my time with romance, as well as reading slow romance. anyway!

all love! will probably squeeze out another chapter tonight so stay tuned! it is 4:00 pm 10/10/23 as i publish this 🌚

[chimeracreations-art]

GOAT Report: January 2023

Going to try and start doing like little post month reports as each one goes on, just for a bit of funzys and also to keep ya'll in the loop. so i guess the first thing we talk about is the good stuff.

So what were some of the positive thing i think I'm pretty happy about that i did or started in January.

- well we one thing i think i can say so far is iv just been really happy and having a fun time creating videos on YouTube, started doing this last year in December with a video on one of the BattleTech novels iv read and since no one in my local group is reading the current book as they there are just gamers or are not in the current sluff as there reading though the dark age book atm and so i just wanted to get my thoughts out there and people have been digging it. it also help people find out what what about some stuff too as i talked about some of the Kickstarter info and what not. going to try an shoot for one video a mouth atm as i really like reading a book or sourcebook and talking bout and learning more about BattleTech lore as i get further and further into it.

- my general skill development and work on trying to make different kinds of stuff has been pretty good, as my last few YCH have been looking very very good to me. i feel extra proud of the mommies and cookies, Casual Jerk-day and Mobile Fursuits G-witch Stickers all came out, the lighting and shading on all these as well some cartooning and use of perspective and pose work all made me real happy, same with the tank and the aliens design wip too (will be working on those soon so expect some adopts in a bit). over all just real happy with the quality bump iv had with those bits of work.

Starting getting plans set up to start an etsy store were you can buy stickers and prints later this year.

- the last thing i think I'm real happy with is the launch of my patreon as iv got 2 cool folk over there and i feel real happy about it.

the neutral - my out put for this month was ok, i got all my YCH finished and most of my commission done but iv got a few left over private commissions that still need to be done along with a design com for a friend that'll be working on this month. alongside that i ended up grabbing a room for FWA which while good put a dent into my profits this month but hopeful will pay off later down the road and also be fun. what kinda stinks is i got an extra room for some people and since it was a rush get it now or no room and then we'd have to do the drive up stuff i got the rooms and the other two ended up not being able to make it so atm I'm debating and talking with some other friends who might be able to buy the room or cancel the extra room's reservation as I'll only lose 187 buck at that point instead of the 600 and some.

- kinda fail a bit on streaming recently as iv just been to tired or sleepy to stream, not the worst thing since streaming is something i do to try and give myself a specific date and time to play games and get my dumb brain to not be in uber work mode all the time.

- sleep schedule good back to poop again.

- beside those it just kinda been hating the weather here in Georgia atm, cold as shit and rainy, wish i could just sit outside for a bit just so i could have some place outside the house to relax for a bit but it awful to do that atm since it been so cold, hopefully thing will get a little tolerable this month were i can at least feel ok sitting outside with a jacket as i do like sitting in our backyard to eat lunch or try and watch thing instead of inside the house.

The bad or the things i need to work on.

- kinda was a lazy ass and took a bit to get the one of the appointment to start getting my teeth fixed so that kinda sucked but i got the first one set up and so hopefully I'll have the holes in my teeth looked at and then done up soon and fixed real soon.

- still not happy with not working to much on my own projects and just wanting to create more ME stuff as i go but i might do some thing to help with that and hopefully the patreon will as well. like my NSFW stuff is good if still in my opinion could be developed further (if i had the time every YCH and doodle would probably have a fucking background and nice lighting like the mommies and cookies one, casue fuck do i just want to develop some of the idea more and add to like the idea of the piece, some would still be just void background but still i want to put more time into individual pics.)

- looking at house/apartments has started and is good but thing are not looking the best atm with prices and then the cost of amenities, a few spots have gone down a little but everything that not in an area were people don't get murder and others a lot is a bit rough or hard to get even with roommate splitting the costs . so while I'm hopeful at looking at places and eventually moving out, they are sorta still pissing me off a bit and might result in me raising prices along with my want to just do more things for myself.

- the discord is taking way longer to get set up then i thought and mix that with most of my time be put towards come has delayed it way more than i wanted to but im going to try and get some time into making some progress on it but ATM i make an announcement when it be ready to open.

and that all my immediate thought on looking back on January not a bad month not an amazing month ether just simple fairy plain work-month basically.

also if you didn't see them or know about stuff here links to my YouTube and patreon

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6.....1HTbgxVMDLU1eA

[ajaviary]

Hi boo! I wanted to take part in your event if that's okay! I'd like the character(s) to be a surprise and I'm also completely open to poly ships, love them, even! I'm Sunny, She/Her. I'm the good student type, very focused on my studies, determined and ambitious, but as soon as I get out of class, I love the unexpected, the unknown, the adventures. As much as I like planning my far ahead future, I really enjoy not knowing what tomorrow will bring, like buying random plane tickets and leaving on my own without a dime in my pocket. I spend most of my time reading, writing, studying, traveling whenever I can. My love languages would be words of affirmation and physical touch. Tell me if you need more info, thank you so much for this event ❤️

MHA Match up - Touya Todoroki/Dabi X Keigo Tamaki x Reader (College AU)

Summary: You’ve been hitting the books a little too hard lately, studying for finals like your life depended on it and maybe it did. Touya was amazingly helpful, being your study buddy throughout the whole ordeal. It helped that he was a year above you, he had already been there and done that with a lot of the Gen Ed courses you were taking. Keigo was far more relaxed about the finals, preferring not to stress over them, but it was easy for him to say, he picked up on things so easily and his photographic memory did him so many favors. It came in handy in other ways too. While Dabi was your study buddy, Keigo was the one taking care of you both, feeding you, making sure you guys did find your way to your bed after you just couldn’t stay up any longer. You wouldn’t have believed that Keigo’s carefree attitude would rub off on either one of you but now that finals are over the three of you were off on a surprise adventure that was all Dabi’s idea.

Word Count: 3282

A/N: Thank you so much for joining my Fall in Love Event! I hope you like how this has played out! I really love the dynamic between them. Thanks again!

|~|

You place your feet on the dashboard, your bare feet wiggling as you’d removed your sandals, this unplanned road trip was just what you needed after the dreaded finals week was officially over! It couldn’t have ended at a better time. You’d been ready to crawl into bed and sleep the moment you returned to your apartment. Those plans were derailed obviously, but you knew something was up as you’d been heading toward the bus stop, you’d left your car because Touya had dropped you off for your last exam that morning before he headed to work. Keigo had been still asleep in your bed when you both had been getting ready. To be fair, that man had the world's worst sleep schedule.

Warm fingers slid into your own, you stopped walking so quickly that Dabi had almost knocked you off your feet, his low growl in your ear as he curled his arm around your middle to keep you on your feet was well worth his irritation as you turned to look up at him. “I thought you were working!” You exclaim not at all bothered by the fact that a few of the college kids leaving have to weave around you both, but you don’t care. Your attention was all for him.

His fingers squeeze your own a little tighter his own way of telling you he’s not happy about the earphones in your ears, it was one of the reasons you hadn’t heard him call your name when you’d left the Science Building. He’d been waiting to catch you, but he’d just missed you having gotten taught up in a conversation with Tomura and Toga, when they had spotted him waiting for you. Getting the petite blonde to stop talking was nearly impossible. Thus he’d cut her off and told him he’d catch them later as he’d seen you leave through the crowd.

Touya was the one always harping on you about being aware of your surroundings. It was a safety thing, he was just trying to protect you. He knew some horrible things happened on College Campuses and he didn’t want any of those to happen to you, it was one of the reasons usually Keigo or himself would meet you outside your late night classes. It also said that he didn’t want to have an argument about them.

“I took a few days off -” He started but was immediately cut off as your hand raised to press your wrist against his forehead, checking to make sure he wasn’t sick. He looked a little flushed along the cheeks as your warm skin pressed against his forehead reminds him of what his mom used to do, when he was little. You’re much more attractive for worrying about him. Not that he doesn’t think he’s mom was cute, he does, but you're one of the ones he wants to spend the rest of his life with, so it’s different. That was another conversation to be had later, but he’d been working a lot of extra hours lately for something special, something you and Keigo weren’t aware of just why he was doing it, but Keigo knew something was up, that golden boy didn’t miss a damn thing and he was pretty sure he was snooping around his room when he’d been out.

“I’m fine,” he told you seriously, the scowl on his lips made you slid up on your tiptoes and plant a kiss on at the edge of his lips, just to hear him give a low growl as he curled his arm around your back and claim your mouth for a proper kiss, swallowing down your laughter and loving the feeling of your fingers in his hair. Yeah this was exactly where he wanted to be.

“Alright, Alright,” You tell him as you break away. “So why the time off?” The two of you had resumed walking as he led you toward his car. “It’s a surprise,” he told her with a grin, watching your face morph into a pout at the fact that he wasn’t going to tell you. Dabi already slid into the driver's seat by the time you stepped off the curb after shooting a hurried text to Keigo asking him if he knew what the surprise was. His only response was a winking emoji face which only caused you to round on the car to the passenger seat with an irritated huff. You hated being out of the loop when the guys planned things without you. It was a great little bonding time for them as they loved to tease you over what you didn’t know. You got them back though in ways that neither would ever forget.

“Don’t pout Princess,” Dabi told you with a smirk as he shot you a glance as he backed out of the parking spot and began to head toward the apartment you all shared. He wouldn’t be the first to admit the relationship the three of you had was a little odd, roommates turned shared lovers was not something that could easily be explained, but you didn’t need any labels, there was no jealousy in your relationship and things were usually open and relaxed, but today was the exception, it had to be as the surprise was for you and he refused to tell you, he was stubborn like that.

You round on him as he stops at a red light, you’d been shooting a flurry of texts back and forth with Keigo, Dabi knew because he could see the way your thumbs were flying from his peripheral. He expected you to start pestering him with questions so when you didn’t, he let his teeth sink into his lower lip, scraping his teeth over his own lip piercing as his fingers tightened on the steering wheel. He didn’t want to fight with you, but the silent treatment was making him antsy. “Baby,” You ask him, as you lean over the console, your hand pressing the rest of your body toward him, this position gives you too much close contact with placing your lips so close to his ear. “Will you please tell me where we’re going?”

Touya shot you a glance with his bright blue eyes slamming to the light as he waited for it to turn green. It would turn green soon, he was sure of it. “Touya,” you ask softly, he can hear the smile in your voice as you know you’re about to get him to crack. His sigh of defeat is music to your ears as you lean back in your seat with a satisfied grin sliding along your lips. “So -” You start, letting the word drag on, as he rubs his free hand along the side of his neck where your breath had fanned over him, you did that on purpose you knew all his weak spots. “Where are we going?” you ask him again, waiting expectantly. There was no way your plan would fail you.

He had just turned into the parking lot of the apartment and pulled into one of the spots as he shut off the car and pulled his keys from the ignition. “Do you really want to know?” he asked you as he clicked the doors to unlock, he cast you a sideways glance, you didn’t catch the smirk that slid along his lips. “Yes!” You can’t help but exclaim as you throw up your hands as if that’s the most obvious answer. “We are going on a road trip,” he kept this voice as uninterested as possible as he got out of the car and closed the door, able to hear your scream of frustration before you had even opened your door. His laughter that you could hear as he walked away, should not have caused you to smile a little, you were supposed to be mad at him!

He wasn’t running from you, but his long strides were taking him further and further away from you. He let his fingers drag through Keigo’s hair as the other had been loading some bags into his SUV. You guys were taking his vehicle because it was going to be far more comfortable to ride in than his two door Mustang. “She’s all yours Hawkeye,” he told him. Keigo curled his fingers into his shirt and hauled his mouth down to his own for a quick kiss, not about to let him disappear that easily. Dabi let his fingers curl along his shoulder before he pushed away from him. “How pissed is she?” Keigo wondered his gaze darting to where you were still sitting in the passenger seat of the car. “Very,” Dabi told him with a chuckle before he disappeared into the apartment to make sure they weren’t forgetting anything and he had some extra things to pack up away from prying eyes.

Keigo watched you for a moment as you slammed the car door shut, only to stare for a moment at your bag on the floorboard and have to open the car door again to get it out, so your attempt at proving your point was lost. He chuckled to himself, his fingers dragging forward through his blonde locks to fix them, as he came over to you, your bag hanging between your fingers. He took your bag and slung it over his shoulder as he curled his arms around you from behind his chin resting on your shoulder as he nuzzled against your neck. “What’s wrong Songbird?” he asked softly, his voice low and soothing, but he already knew, he knew how much you hated not being in the loop.

“Keigo,” you mutter his name, a soft prayer on your lips as you let your body sink against his own, all solid muscle and comfort. “He’s such an asshole,” you grumble and you can feel the Blonde smirk against your neck as he tilts his head, a single golden eye raising to peer up at you. “Tell me something I don’t know,” he tells you with a chuckle, his fingers digging against your sides and he’s tickling you before you can even truly suck in a breath to comment on his obvious bullshit answer. You’re laughter is filling the apartment parking lot and can do nothing more than wiggling against him, attempting to break free, but it’s half hearted as he drags you back against his chest and after a few more moments of torturing you, he’s stopped with the dragging of his fingers into your sides and they instead stroke along your sides in a tender moment of domestic bliss.

“How was your Exam?” he asks gently, enjoying the feeling of you in his arms. He won’t ever admit that he’s been a little left out given all the time Finals have taken up, but he understands; he’s just feeling lonely. Your fingers move to rest atop his much larger ones and you let your thumbs brush over his knuckles and he presses a kiss against your neck as he waits for your answer, his hip shifting to press against Dabi’s Mustang. “I think it went well, but just glad it’s over you know?” you told him and for a moment you let your head fall back against his chest. “Me too,” he can’t help but agree as he shifts your stance; he presses your back against the car as his mouth claims your own, his tongue sliding along your lower lip and your fingers tighten on his forearms as you feel his tongue enter your mouth.

Some time in between the lazy kisses between you two Touya had returned and he stood leaning over the open driver side door of Keigo’s SUV watching the two of you. Some of his friends wondered how his relationship revolved around two people, one of them another guy no less, some wondered how the three of you got along like you did, many wondered if jealousy would have played a role, the answer was no, not really. It might have been if Keigo wasn’t interested in him too. He knew how lucky he was. The love each of you felt for each other was equal, neither stood above the other as it should be. He might have continued to watch the two of you if it wasn’t for the fact, they did need to get on the road. He enjoyed watching the two of you. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t tease you two a little, better him than your damn nosy neighbors. You know the ones who had their opinions ready to pass out, no matter if you asked for it or not. He just didn’t like to share the two of you with anyone.

He whistled, the sound sharp and clear, one of those wolf whistles and Keigo knows it’s him and he’s also one of the more observant, so he’s very aware of the fact that he’s watching them. “Let’s put on a show for him, wadda ya say?” he murmured in your ear. Your low chuckle is the only answer he gets before your arms curl around his neck and press your lips against his own and he hooks his arms easily along your legs and your legs curl around his waist, but your breaking the kiss and resting your cheek on your arm that’s still curled along his neck over his shoulder as your gaze is on Touya’s lingering form.

You stick your tongue out at Dabi, aware by his scowl as his gaze sweeps the apartment lot, that he doesn’t like the fact that you two are being so chummy in public. He’s such a sucker for keeping you both safe, but his protective nature isn’t something that truly bothers either of you. “Do you know where we’re going?” you ask Keigo as he walks with you easily across the lot toward the car. “Not really, but he’s pretty tight-lipped about where, but he told me to take a few days off work about three weeks ago,” he told you honestly. “Wherever we’re going he wanted it to be a surprise,” he flashed Touya a bright grin as he stuck his tongue out at him as he took his time getting to the SUV. “This sort of adventure isn’t usually his thing, I’d wager this is for you,” he admitted to you softly.

Your fingers press against his shoulders as you lean back in his arms, feeling his other hand travel up higher on your back to accommodate your shift of weight without any sign of discomfort. Your men had no issues carrying you at all. He doesn’t miss the way your eyes fill with guilt and regret for getting so angry with him when Dabi had only been wanting to do something nice for you, to surprise you. He loosened his hold on you and you slid to the ground at the front of his vehicle. His fingers travel along your shoulder before he’s disappearing into the back of the car, your bag safely being stowed away. He’s giving you two a moment to clear the air before the trip. That didn’t mean he wasn’t being nosy about it, the blonde was leaning his elbows on the console from the back seat, his shoulders touching the front seats as he watched you move toward their dark haired Prince.

Touya frowned as you moved around the vehicle and ate up the distance toward him. He couldn’t see your face because the wind had blown your hair in front of your face, but he could see the tension in your shoulders, he caught the tremble of your lower lip. He sucked in a breath your name, a soft question on his lips, his blue eyes concerned. You slid your arms around his waist and he curled his arms around you without needing conscious thought. As your cheek presses against his chest, your ear over his heart listening to its rapid cadence. He can feel your fingers curl along the fabric of his shirt across his toned stomach. “I shouldn’t have gotten so mad earlier.” He closes his eyes with a sigh as his arms tighten around you, before he places a soft kiss on your temple. “You know it’s no big deal,” he says gently, hoping to reassure you and when your hold only tightens, he knew he’d have to go another route to get you to see that it wasn’t a big deal. “I love riling you up,” he can’t help but tease with a sexy chuckle, his fingers traveling up and down your back in light scratching motions. “You’re cute when you're angry,” he can’t help but continue, feeling the way your body tenses against his own. As you shove against his chest and his hold only tightens on you as he claims your mouth with his own, his hand cupping your neck as he bends you back as he deepens the kiss and your fingers curl on the fabric of his jacket.

Keigo shifts his body till he’s half way on the console of the car, he’s just as bad as Touya with watching you both. “As hot as this is we should probably hit the road or we’ll never leave the apartment,” he calls out, as Dabi sets you back on your feet, his palm cupping your cheek, his fingers curling along your neck for a moment over your racing pulse. “I’ll give you a hint (Y/N), you’ve been there before and loved it,” Dabi told you before he directed you into the SUV, you were going to go around, but instead he directs you to the drivers side and you scoot over the console Keigo has vacated and slide into the passenger seat, you look down to see your sandals on the floorboard and you smile softly at the gesture as you change out of your shoes and slip on your comfy sandals and expose your painted toes as you lean back against the seat. “I think I’ll let this be a surprise,” you tell them both watching as Touya starts up the car and you lean your seat back a little more your arm stretching up over the head rest and Keigo laces his fingers with yours from the back and you other hand reaches over to across the console and Touya’s fingers curl with your own as he begins the start of your adventurous trip.

[shespeaksinsongs]

You Are My New Fear | Letters To My Mom

TW: MOMMY ISSUES, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND ANXIETY.

Me in my game room at about five years old.

I wish somebody would have told me that that smile I used to slather onto my face so effortlessly would soon become something I forced. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference, but it's best to be prepared in any case.

-

"What's your biggest fear?" My elementary best friend asked, kicking her feet giddily under the table. We were still too little to reach the floor.

"Drowning." I'd say, with a panicked look on my face, growing pale at the mere thought of dying that way.

-

"What are you most afraid of, hija?" My dad asked on our regular morning car rides to school.

"Drowning." I'd say, without even thinking twice. The answer was almost prepared, seeing as how casually it rolled off my tongue.

-

"What's your biggest fear?" My friend asked in the comfort of her room, watching as I shifted uncomfortably in my spot on her bed.

"Becoming my mother." I'd say wishing that drowning was the most of my worries.

-

I don't know when my default answer of drowning to death switched to the terrifying idea that I would, one day, become my mother. Still, somewhere along the lines, those little moments that I would suck up to my mom and gift her pretty pictures I spent hours working on and picking daisies from my backyard for her turned into scheduling my crying for nighttime when everyone was asleep.

Slowly but surely, I became uneasy about the idea of marriage, fearing that I'd only ruin it and become a wife like my mother. The idea of having children scared me to the point where I felt I would rather sacrifice my own happiness so that my children wouldn't have to live to see the day I turn into my mom.

Because in my eyes, my mom is a monster. She's not the kind of monster that has big, sharp teeth and scary yellow eyes, and a menacing growl. She's the kind of monster that you would never suspect. She's the bloody hand, but you were the accomplice. She was the screwdriver, but you were the loose screw. Sure, she hurt you, but you let yourself be hurt by her - so really, whose fault was it?

My mom is the kind of monster that uses your vulnerability against you in the worst way possible.

-

"I'm just not feeling good right now. I feel like I'm dying, and I feel tired all the time." My sixth-grade self, awkwardly positioned in the passenger's seat, turning my head away from my mom.

"Well, you know we care about you." My mom said, stoic in her demeanor and ultimately still in how she held her body up.

It was a day I'll never forget. She picked at her fingernails and anxiously tapped the gas pedal, waiting for me to be done talking about my emotions so she could drive back "home."

Warm tears stung my eyes, forcing their way down my face in slow streams. "You don't get it, I-" I stopped, knowing it wasn't worth it to try to make my mom understand feelings she'd been adamant didn't exist.

"Ay, don't be so dramatic." My mom said, waving her hand up to dismiss me and my silly ideas. She was right. I wasn't depressed or anxious, and I definitely didn't look for any excuse possible to threaten suicide against myself. My mom said so.

-

I don't know why I kept running back to her in times of need. Maybe it was my dream version of her that I relied on to justify my ever-growing love for her. Feasibly, it was the person I wanted her to be. And perhaps, just perhaps, my expectations of her drove me to the point where I'd convinced myself my mother was the person I saw when I closed my eyes at night.

I remember telling her things, spreading rumors I'd heard about people in the family, hoping that it would make us closer. The things I did just to make her happy...

-

"Mom, I'm trying my best!" I cried on the floor, cleaning up the mess my new puppy had made. She'd pooped and peed all over the kitchen. I was exhausted, previously knocked out in my bed, when my mom called me downstairs, screaming for me to get my ass down there.

"No, you're not! You never try! You're useless! I should've never had you!" My mom yelled from the bottom of her heart (or lack thereof).

Tears welled in my eyes for the millionth time because of my mother. This wasn't the first time she'd wished me dead, and it sure wouldn't be the last time. "Mommy, please just leave me alone and let me clean up." I begged, letting broken sobs come out of my mouth. I wanted to hurt her, and I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me.

My mom refused to leave, yelling at me, watching as I piteously scraped my dog's contents off the wall.

-

It's sad that the only good memories I have of my mom are those I couldn't participate in. Instead, I have stories of her youth and how caring of a mother she used to be when I was a baby - conveniently so far back that I can't remember it. It pains me more knowing how she was before she had me, her firstborn. If she were this way her whole life, would I take it so personally?

Am I dramatic for wishing I had a mother who could hug me back when I hugged her? Am I a selfish and pathetic bitch for feeling envy when I see how my friends' moms act with them? Why can't my mom love me the way she loves her? Why does my mom have more pictures of her first niece than she does of me? What did I do to her?

-

"Mommy, mommy! Look!" I said, running up to my mother, holding my report card in the air like a shiny new toy - all A's.

"Nice job, Fio. I'm so proud of you. You're doing great. Keep it up." My mom said softly, pulling me into a warm hug. Somehow, that was all I needed - that's all I wanted. It really is a shame that that memory is fake.

-

I have plenty of other fake memories that I store in my head, letting the (also fake) backstories take over my mind when I go to sleep. For one of them, I was romping around on an old swing set, one that made little squeaky noises whenever I swung too high.

Somehow, I lose control of the swing, and my mom comes rushing up to me, worried and begging for me to tell her how she could help. I don't know when or how she got there (my dad was usually the one to take me to the park), but what I do know is she's exactly who I needed there at that moment.

So many real memories I have of me needing my mother most, waiting for the day she would actually turn up in one of them. She was always the first to pick me up in school lines. She was always at my open houses. She attended every grade promotion I had. But she was never there. It was all a facade. She'd said so herself that she craved being the all-star mom, the one who'd win several gold medals if there were award ceremonies for that sort of thing.

Her perfectionism is what makes her corrupt. She has spent my entire life telling me what to do, how to do it, scolding me for not doing it the way she imagined me doing it in her head.

She refused to seek help when that's all I wanted her to do.

-

"What do you want for your birthday, hija?" My dad asked, glancing at me while keeping his eyes fixed on the road, humming along to a Christmas carol playing on the radio.

"Honestly, dad?" I asked, only twelve years old, my green eyes twinkling in hope.

"Whatever your heart desires." My dad said in a goofy voice, making me smile.

"I want Mom to get help." I said sadly, hoping my dad would agree and push the idea upon my mom.

-

My mother went to therapy for four months. My dad had to pay her every session for her to go. In my mom's life, money has never been an obstacle. Her father was a middle-high class socialite in Venezuela who worked in engineering and oil companies. Her mother, who passed away of Leukemia when she was twelve, spoiled her rotten until her very last breath.

Eventually, I became mentally sick to the core. Writing and singing, my two favorite things in the world, became hobbies, and life had lost its zesty twang. Little things like music and the people I passed on the street that waved "hello" at me became nuisances. My mom "gave up" her therapy so I could get help.

I still wonder if she did it for herself or for me.

-

A few times a year, I get asked what my biggest fear is. Sometimes it comes up in conversation. Other times I create the question, not thinking about the consequences if people answer with "Spiders, yours?"

Each time I get asked, I take a deep breath and lie. "The dark." I say now, the idea of death by sea sounding more of tranquility than a travesty.

I look back at the old pictures I have of myself, a smiley and shy little girl who was afraid of nothing and everything at the same time. To her, I ask, "When you have nothing to lose, why be afraid?"

Me, with my baby doll at age three. I loved taking care of her. I used to take her everywhere with me.

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

05 - I’m drained

Chapters songs:

Pope is a rockstar; SALES

I don't know you; The Marías

Coax & Botany; Gus Dapperton

—

- Y. L. Perspective

       'Shit, I'm late.' I told myself, while a hand searched every corner in my school bag for my phone. Yet, it was nowhere to be found. Without my phone, I couldn't tell Suga that I was a little behind time. I told him I'd meet him in the gym around the end of his practice, but it was now 20 minutes after, and I couldn't be more stressed about my phone missing.

       "Y/n, I'm sure he'll come looking for you right after," Giki says, putting her hands around her love handles, leaning against the wall. "If you two made plans to walk home, then he won't bail. He doesn't seem the type to do that. And besides, he knows where to find you, doesn't he?—"

        I shut down any idea she gave that would help me calm down. "It's not just that! I need my phone, I can't go home without it. Fuck, this always happens!" I pull my hands out of the bag, and run them through my hair, looking around for a solution. "Dude, what the hell do I do?! He hasn't gotten here yet, and I really don't want Suga being angry at me!"

       "Now why would I be angry at you?!"

      Someone calls out from the doorway, catching both Giki and I's attention. There stood Koushi, with a cheeky smile plastered on his face, and one hand held up. "Missing something?" He said, as my phone stood between two of his fingers.

       At the sight, I sigh, in relief, happy at least one of my issues was solved. "Thank you, so much," I say, as he smiles down at me, passing it. Honestly, I couldn't be more thankful for him; if it wasn't awkward, I could've even hugged him.

      Gathering my things, I throw on my bag, and I'm able to become poised, instead of seeming like a mad man. "That's my queue. See you later, Giki. You have a ride home, right?"

      She nods. After our goodbye, I leave the band room, then begin my walk with Suga. My hands ran down my blazer, hoping that it would warm them up a bit. Tonight was chilly, possibly the coldest night of the week. But that was okay, because cold, rainy nights were what I lived for; nothing felt better than sleeping during them. The only thing I was worried about was if I'd get home in time before the storm starts.

      "Why are you so stressed out? You didn't seem this way during lunch. Is something bothering you?" Suga asks in his calming voice, interrupting my thoughts. Though, it wouldn't be bad to let them run freely from my mouth. The only thing I worried about was that I'd break down if I were to talk about everything that was on my mind.

       But it wasn't like I was uncomfortable talking with Suga, so why not. "It's nothing, really. I think I've just recently been on the edge about everything. It's like, if some teeny thing goes wrong, I become a complete mess. But it's probably just because I'm still processing the fact that everything is happening so fast." I explain, rubbing my left temple while closing my eyes.

      "I get it. That's how I feel, too. But I can't imagine how it must be for someone as busy as you. But if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears."

      I feel his eyes on me, as well as his hand on my shoulder. It laid comfortably, lightly squeezing it. At the action, I immediately open my eyes, nervous as to any movements, and hear almost my heartbeat through my ears. Honestly, I cursed myself for feeling so giddy inside just because he was being friendly, but I also cursed myself for thinking it meant something. That's what having low self-esteem means, thinking he likes me because he's nice. "Yeah, it's okay. Besides, I think all I need right now is to get home and rest. Maybe that would help me a bit— you know?" My voice cracks at the end, and the pressure of tears building up in my nasal passage, which came before a good cry.

        'No, because I KNOW I'm not about to cry in front of Sugawara. That would be the worst situation.' I thought to myself, feeling my eyes burn. No way in hell I would do that purposefully. That would look as if I'm seeking attention like a lost puppy, which is exactly what I didn't want to seem like.

       But sadly, a sniff from my nose reveals me completely, making him turn my shoulders towards him. His eyes looked worried, seeking reassurance I was ready to cry. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

     'There's the magic word.'

     Now, a few tears escaped my eyes, quickly being cleaned away by my sleeve. But after a few seconds, it felt pretty pointless to try and hide them. "I— I'm sorry. I've just been keeping it all in till right now—God, this is really awkward." I say, giggling in nervousness on the last part, before placing both hands over my face and look down. The clouds growled above us, giving me a sense that they were about to pour as well.

     "That's okay. I didn't mean to go over boundaries with your personal life— I'm sorry." He says, now putting both of his hot hands on my shoulders. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to let your feelings out. But it's not okay to bottle up your emotions. I would know, wouldn't I?"

      I nod, swabbing more tears before looking towards him. "Yeah, I know. I just don't really talk about it, especially now that my schedule is packed and all." I say, clearing my throat. As much as I hate to say it, Suga was right; nobody knew what keeping your feelings inside felt like the way he did.

      And so, I kept crying, and stood in front of him for a good minute, just letting it out. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but then he put his arm around me, then another, and trapped me in a hug.

      My head laid against his chest, and his hands wrapped around my neck, while he laid his head over mine. Although I felt truly humiliated and like a complete child, I guess a hug from a friend couldn't hurt. Honestly, I'd expected myself to break down sometime soon; Undergoing so many things can be stressful. Moving to a different country soon, graduating in only a year, and trying to drift from close friends was hard. The only thing is that I didn't expect to cry in front of someone I wasn't completely close with.

      "What's going on, Y/n? If you don't mind me asking." To my surprise, his hand gently runs through my hair to comfort me and hums in worry. "I hope you know you can talk to me."

     As much as I appreciated Sugawara trying to make me feel better, I still felt completely inhibited. But as much as a hated this moment, I just needed to let my feelings out. And now, I couldn't control when or where I'd do it, I just needed it to happen. Silently sniffing, a response later to his question. "I'm just realizing so many things are happening, and I'm feeling overwhelmed about it. But I'll get over it, don't worry." My stiff body pulls away slowly, and I hastily pick myself back up from my breakdown.

     "Oh.. well, I understand that. You know I've got a lot on my shoulders, and I've had a lot of time spent in that corner of panic. I guess your third year comes with many burdens, doesn't it? But it'll be okay, Y/n. Your feelings are completely valid, don't feel bad or ashamed about them. And besides that, you should appreciate yourself for getting yourself through them, okay?" His hand strokes my jaw, raising it to meet his bright eyes, while an unavoidable smile of his appears. "You're gonna be okay."

     As predicted, I felt a tad better than I had before. It seemed Suga found the exact words I had needed today, ones that no one ever told me. I wasn't so used to people comforting me this way in person, therefore making me uneasy when having this conversation with him. But I was glad that I did because now the knot between the two of us untied if only a little.

      I nod, looking down towards my shoes again, as his hand leaves my face and travels back into his sweat pants pocket. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, by the way, "I mumble, before sniffing once more, and turning towards the direction we were walking in before I had started crying like an idiot. "I know I'm not supposed to apologize, but still, I'm sorry for making this awkward. Usually, I'm not the one to embarrass myself in front of somebody like this."

      "Oh, don't fret. I've had my share of embarrassment, and probably the one with more shame than ever between the two of us," Sugawara replies, clearing his throat. "And I should be the one to give you an apology, It wasn't my place to be nosy and make you cry."

      "Don't worry about it, I was bound to weep like a baby any time soon." A small chuckle leaves my mouth, lightning the heavy mood I'd created. "So, Suga, what makes you think you're more shameful than me?"

    He too, laughs a bit, before answering my question. "Well, for starters, I've cried in front of Daichi, one of the most indestructible people I know. Not only was that embarrassing, but it was because I was too weak to face my problems. And second off, as you know, I don't handle them properly. Not at all."

     "I don't know. Mind explaining to me?" I ask him, observing his reaction to my question. Thankfully, he wasn't too uncomfortable about it, but he was still hesitant to say much.

    He sighs, running his fingers through his silver hair, and clarifies to me briefly. "N-nothing. I just used to have a bad perspective of everything; not trying, careless about other people, and dull. Really, really dull. I've made a lot of mistakes throughout last year, and ones that you can't fix easily. But I'm not like that anymore, at least I hope I'm not."

A part of me mourns for Suga. I knew exactly what that feeling was like, except it was around my first year of high school. For him, this only happened recently. "Well, I would know that. You don't seem very inconsiderate, more like a gentle guy." I say as we get ready to cross the road to our neighborhood.

"I hope so."

As we walk across the small road, I still feel a small portion of myself regretting ever crying in front of Suga. Yes, it wasn't that big of a deal and I would probably get ever it tomorrow, but that could have changed his perspective of me forever. I wouldn't want to seem like a little cry baby like I was before, if it seemed that way, he might have thought I haven't had any growth.

    The rest of our walk is neutral, and none of our conversations include whatever unpleasant situation happened, thankfully. But throughout it, I couldn't help but think thoroughly through the information Suga had told me. I know he went through some shit bad, but I didn't know he was so down that way. I'd see him in hallways looking gloom and gummy, and rumor had it he was sleeping around to deal with it.

      'Poor Koushi.'

      Finally, the two of us reach my street, and my pace starts to pick up, as I turn behind me to say my thanks to him. "Thanks again, Suga. You know, for keeping me company and all."

     The silver-haired boy smiles, looking up at me with his large hazel eyes. As he nods, his position slowly turns around, and he begins to walk away with his head down once again, making his way home. I for one, jog the rest of the way to my house.

     It wasn't much— just a two-story that looked a tad more modern than the others around us. It had rectangular windows with a black windowpane and a tall dark oak door with small rectangular windows trailing down. Its brick was stained a light, dusty brown, which complemented the rest of the house nicely. The roofs were black as well, giving off an industrial theme. But besides that, the house was built like the rest that sat next to us.

    I walked towards the oversized doors, fitting a key into the lock above the handle. It twists, making a 'click!' sound, and I walk past the entrance, closing the door behind me. It's nothing much— only as modern inside as it is outside. My mother had no struggle with making enough money to keep her house nicely decorated, even if she barely use it.

Honestly, being home made me sad sometimes. At school or friends' houses, I could be alongside someone. Even if we were doing nothing, I would still appreciate their company. But here at home, there was nobody, just like always.

It had only been this way after they'd both found jobs and began working so hard. Up until I was around five, there were distant memories of the three of us— me, my mom, my dad— living in a small apartment downtown, where a one-bedroom in the middle of high crime was all my parents could afford. But once they got their job, it was all nannies and more money. It wasn't later after that they got divorced after discovering that they didn't need each other anymore. Yes, I was proud my parents got back onto their feet after such dark times, but not if it meant that their kids had to raise themselves. Me being an only child, I grew up around teenage girls being paid 50$ an hour yet glued to their phones, while I would play with shit I probably shouldn't have. But it wasn't like it mattered, right? Soon I'd be able to leave Japan and start a new life, instead of being trapped under my parents' absent wing.

"Hey, Astra," I mumble to the small house pet, reaching my hand out to touch her while I slid my shoes off, placing them into the basket that held many others. Then I take off my blazer, hanging it up on the black metal coat rack, and stretch out my hands and arms. The cat under me escapes from my grasp, running into the kitchen for dinner.

Astra was one of the only things that helped me de-attach from reality for a second, and remember that it'll all be okay. That, and guitar. The only thing with playing guitar when you're stressed is that the anger only builds up if you can't get a note right. With Astra, she was a simple white cat who lounged around all day, and may I say a great cuddle buddy. But besides that, she was something I'd had with me for my entire childhood; she's always been my comfort corner.

      The cat circles around my legs as I pour kibble into her small bowl while looking up at me, and down at the bowl. After I stand back up, she begins her meal, and I still stay starving. Lunch at school isn't very enjoyable, and my bento didn't have much today, so I guess I had to make my food tonight.

      And so, disappointed, I open the fridge to scan what I could shove down my throat before bed. 'There's nothing but vegetables and expired yogurt once again. Gee, I've gotta go grocery shopping sometime soon.' My brain thinks when I suddenly find a small blue container sitting against the inside of my fridge, with a yellow note on it.

'Brought you your favorite. See you tomorrow morning. I'll drop you off at school- father.' My heartbeat comes to a halt at the words 'father'. Was he really here? Possibly for long? I hadn't seen him since about eight months ago, because as always, his job is more important than his daughter. Still— I wasn't completely comfortable with knowing he was here in Miyagi Prefecture, probably in a late business meeting. No way in hell he would ever come to see me volunteering. It must have been a job trip and I was on the way there. Besides, I wasn't sure if mother was okay with me seeing him so suddenly. But knowing them, they probably arranged for this to happen.

     Was dad back in town?

—

Hey guys. I'm sorry I'm taking so long to update my chapters, I've just been super stressed out and kind of working myself a little too hard on many things. As always I love you all very much, and please don't forget to vote!!

- estrxlar