#and I��m out of PTO because I went on vacation this year

[jasperstan408]

April 25, 2021

I think I lost a friend and i’m not sure how I feel about it. I did something shitty and i take full accountability and I don’t know how to come back from it. I don’t know how to also place blame on B because honestly i’m a little mad at her too. I haven’t worked all 2020 and then when I did, I didn’t have that much money. I finally have a nice job and am able to pay my bills and save up for an apartment, and get an emerald green couch!! B said for her bday she wants to rent a cabin or get a room at gervasi which at first I was hesitant on but tbh 1. she complains we never do anything for her bday (ironic) so i thought this would satisfy her and shut her up 2. i started getting money at work so I was fine with it. That was the plan but we haven’t paid for it yet. A week ago, out of nowhere, her mom told her about her honeymoon at the carribean and how cheap it was so B told me and I was like wtf lmao she told me about how hotel and flight would be included and it'd be around $800 which isn't too much for a trip like that but I didn't think i could afford it and i didn't think we’d actually go. We hung out and she talked to me about it and it sounded like a good idea knowing that food and drinks would be included. This part is important: I SAID WAIT UNTIL I TALK TO MY MOM AND SUPERVISOR TO FIND OUT IF I CAN GET THE TIME OFF. So it’s the next day and apparently it went from $800 to $1000 which is a huge jump like shit I could get a plane ticket to macedonia and stay there for a month for the same price. It’s just, this side of my friend group, I feel like just will spend money on shit and not really think of the consequences whereas im not like that. But she still wanted to go and I think it was mostly to make M (iykyk) jealous. I don’t understand how these girls can just pull that kinda money out of nowhere so last second, the trip is in a month and to get that kind of time off to do that. How??? But I talked to my supervisor the day after and basically I have to take 5 days of pto instead of 3 which sucks because I wanted to split the 5 between this and a vacation with my mom and sister. It just felt like all the signs were pointing to me not going. I texted B the next day saying I can’t go because i just can’t afford it. She texted back saying thanks for letting her know and that she already paid for it. That made me feel like shit. But more on that later. We didn’t talk for 2 days. She finally texted me yesterday about how upset she was and how she doesn’t understand how I can cancel like this when she already paid for it. I’ll leave screenshots down below. I explained my side of the story. She said she told me she already paid for it so how could I just cancel like that. She said it’s an awful thing to do to someone and she could never do this to anyone. The thing is, she’s not wrong. She has every right to be upset and i don’t blame her for that. The only thing I need to rant about is...why would she pay for anything and not clearly tell me she was. I said something nicer than that and she told me she said she charged and i said i thought she said she was going to not that she already has. But when you buy something like plane tickets, you need to ask for information and she never did and she never clearly said “i paid for it yay!” nothing. We talked about payment plans and i agreed to it and that’s it. If i had to be mad at her for one situation then it’d be this. I know she was excited and I think it got to her head and it was all so fast. I just hate this situation and dealing with it. I’m not sure why i’m so upset at myself, upset with her, mad at both, i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t want to go just to make it easier for everyone because it just puts a huge hole in my pocket and i’m just tired of making myself uncomfortable to make everyone else comfortable. I’m also just upset because she makes it seem like i’m this evil friend she has and tbh yeah right now i’m being shitty but she’s one to talk. Last year, i wasn’t even invited to hang out with her for her bday because M was there. Not even an invite. She didn’t come to my 26th birthday party, cancelled 20 minutes after it started, we were all waiting for her and she said it’s because she was running late and wanted to go to both me and Erin’s birthday even though no one cared about erin until i wasn’t friends with maggie and maggie wanted to go to erins bday because she wasn’t invited to mine. That really hurt. She was there for me for 2 months after the breakup and then I didn’t see her for months and barely heard from her. The only times I saw her was when maggie was around. Her, kelly, and M were hanging out one day and maggie was the one who invited me even if she fucked me over. Not Brooke. Not Kelly, maggie. Shit, I saw danielle more than I saw Brooke and Kelly during my break up and she moved 7 hours away. A added B on instagram over the winter and she accepted the request and followed him back. It really hurts me because sometimes I feel like she cares about the drama more than she does about our friendship. I feel like i’m some consolation prize for her losing her friendship with M. I feel like maybe a part of me ruined this whole thing and hurt her on purpose because i had some internalized anger towards her.