#and I’ve missed out on so much life. granted I am so young and no one is truly responsible but myself for falling for that bullshit

[imflyinoveryou]

living with em just has me in this irrational , constant oscillation of idealization and genuine resentment and it’s not fair to them nor myself.. i can’t wait to put space between us ! and i can’t wait to have clarity that brings far more love into my relationships with them.

[rothjuje]

I’ve missed this space. Now that things are back to normal I hope to post more often.

Where to start? My ankle was screwed back together on December 8th. Almost immediately the pain was gone. I lost a lot of muscle in my left leg so I started PT once I was cleared to weight bear (about a month ago). I don’t know where I’d be without PT honestly. My ankle still freezes up between sessions but less and less as time goes on.

My eldest was diagnosed with ADHD and qualified for an IEP. It’s been a journey but I finally feel like everything is going well at school and academically. It’s frustrating to me that ADHD is so often viewed as a “behavioral problem.” I do feel like the culture out here is a little less understanding of neurodiversity at times (not the school system, they’ve been great).

George has been working up to longer days at school which he loves, and he’s doing well currently. Overstimulating environments have been tricky for him but that’s understandable.

Gen has grown up so much this year. She is very serious and talks a lot, but also has all the emotions.

December and January were mostly hell. It feels so good to be able to walk again, non weight bearing with young kids was truly a nightmare. So many things we take for granted, like how to get an object from room to room.

I still volunteer with the local mom group, but I don’t attend as many events now (I just haven’t had that kind of energy since fracturing my ankle). Girl Scouts has been very time consuming but fun. My fellow troop leaders and I talk every day and they’ve become close friends.

I’m 20% done with my real estate classes and hope to finish the first week in April.

I am still obsessed with New England, even though it’s been cold and dead here for almost 5 months now. The days are now staying lighter for longer and there has been some sun even, I feel my soul returning to my body.

Anyway. Life is good. Leg is almost back to normal. Kids are doing well. Justin and I like each other. We have a lot of fun yard projects planned for the spring and summer. We’re coming out of a rough season and I’m grateful.

[deliverred]

...and then there were four.

like clockwork, the weasel cabin grows quieter each week, with this one becoming more dangerously still. not even the guise of a grand finale can mask the unsettling feeling of watching their numbers dwindle ( and all this talk of a ringmaster doesn't help any, either. )

"you know, it wasn't so bad out there," dorothea says airily, trying for a smile. "granted, we were given soapy drinks and chased through a labyrinth by something that couldn't take a joke...but see? not so much as a scratch." both arms are held out to prove a point.

"forde and i made the most of your advice. we were plenty cautious out there." despite everything, she allows herself a small laugh. "maybe a tad too much, even. but we're here now. a handful of weasels is better than no weasels at all, right?"

dorothea's voice trails off, the light-heartedness now replaced by a more somber demeanor.

"though i suppose you’ve already guessed that’s not the real reason i’ve come here." a pause ; she hesitates briefly. "if i may, lukas? you've earned the team's respect. i think a rally from you might do wonders for morale, considering the current state of things."

She's attempting to put on an act here. He's not sure he understands why she feels the need, but he would not deny her whatever rituals she desired to get through this upcoming week.

"I am relieved you both were able to return unharmed," his tone is gentle, tired gaze observing the young woman before him. No wounds, just as she said -- but he knew well, not all damages were physical. Some were in your head, your heart, your spirit. "I am sorry if my...words and advice did not serve you well. I feel as if I've made several costly miscalculations as of late, and I apologize that they have fallen back on you and the others."

He is tired, yet he cannot rest. This is not over yet, and even if the odds are not in their favor, to give up is unacceptable when they can still put forth some kind of effort.

"We're here now...," he echoes, letting the background noise of the ocean crashing against the shore fade until it was but a thrum in his veins. He pulls in a breath through his nose, holds it a moment before fully meeting her gaze with his own. There is no smile this time, no mask in place, merely the reserved relentlessness that had seen him through to this point.

"I fear you may be asking the wrong person for this, Miss Dorothea; I am not a man with which passion stirs easily, nor do I think I could blow such life into the embers of our team."

Did they see differently than he? If they peeled back the layers of steel, would they see something in the hollow space he feels at his center? A spark of light, of warmth, in the darkness?

Or would they see nothing but a hollow echo of what it means to live?

"But I shall see what I can do. Please, try to get some rest while we still have the time."

[hiraeth-witch-11]

The Greed of Men Part 2

Warnings: mentions of violence, The Darkling

Word count: 1200ish

“How were you missed by the testers?” That’s the first question he asks you. Not entirely what you had expected.

“The same way Alina did. I taught her how to do it. All it takes is a little pain to fool most testers.”

“You kept her from me?” The Darkling asks in carefully controlled anger.

“I didn’t know what she was, just that she felt different. I kept a young girl from being sent off to war,” you correct.

“But you knew what you were by then. Didn’t you?” It’s not a question.

“Yes.” You began summoning somewhere around 6 or 7, old enough to know about Grisha, too young to really understand. Your parents did, though. They seemed to think beating you would get rid of the ‘Black Heretic’s Corruption’. It didn’t. Instead it made you sneaky, controlled, hyper aware of the people around you and resistant to pain. You learned to use your summoning in small, less noticeable ways. You could pick a lock without moving your hands, tie a note in a rope you couldn’t see, stitch torn clothing to appear temporarily mended. You could even sink yourself into the shadows and out of sight. 

“How long have you known?” A question you don’t want to answer.

“Since I was a child.”

“And your family? The people you were born to, did they share the same ability?

“No.”

“Surely someone would have spread the news of a new shadow summoner not of my line. You hid from my testers, but how did you hide from the rest of Ravka?”

“Carefully.”

“Are you being willfully obtuse or are you just dimwitted?” The insult is said evenly, testing the waters.

“It would be so much easier for you if it was the latter. Wouldn’t it?” You grin.

“Too easy, I suppose,” he murmurs. “How did you come to arrive at the orphanage?”

“I ran away from home at 12. Living on the streets was dangerous. I chose the safety of the orphanage until I aged out.”

“Why did you run?”

“Why do you think?” You snap. He raises an eyebrow both in question and warning. “A Shadow Summoner born into a non Grisha family who lived their life within sight of the fold? I was lucky they didn’t burn me the moment they first saw me summon.”

You’re grateful he doesn’t continue to pry, you don’t know how much you could stand to tell him tonight. Instead he asks a question that fills you with shame. One of the rare things in life you regret. “Does she know?”

“No, I plan on telling her tonight. Granted that you hold true to your word, of course.” You really shouldn’t be taunting a man who has decades of summoning practice on you. You honestly don’t know how old he is, rumor has it he’s over a century. His face is young, but his eyes have a depth to them you haven’t seen before. 

The Darkling pauses to think for a moment before saying, “No. It could be advantageous to keep your summoning secret for the time being.”

“I’ve kept it a secret from her for long enough. It’s bad enough that I told you first, she’s going to be livid.”

“Be that as it may, having the element of surprise may help you keep her safe. Would it not?”

“Don’t you pull that manipulation bullshit on me, Shadow Man. Unless you give me a specific reason and a timeline, I am telling her tonight.”

The Darkling glares at you, likely for both your attitude and nickname for him. It’s honestly one of the more attractive ones.

“Give me a week. I would like to appraise your capability for myself, in private. At that point, we can discuss whether or not to tell the younger Ms. Starkov and, consequently, the rest of Ravka.”

“Tell me what happened to the letters Mal and I sent and it’s a deal,” you counter.

“They were read and burned.” He’s direct and emotionless.

“Read by whom?” Your voice is almost a growl. Saints, this man is a piece of work.

“Me.”

“So you read me begging my baby sister to let me know she was okay, for months, and didn’t allow any communication to get through?” Your voice is a viper’s hiss, the warning before a strike. The room darkens and you aren’t sure which of you is causing it this time.

“It would have been a security risk to allow communication between the three of you.” He’s unphased. You’re angry, abnormally so. Usually you have a tight grip on your temper, but you have spent months trying to get to your sister. Weeks of searching for news, only to find out she’s been presented at the Grand Palace upon arrival. You had tried to get into the Little Police the official way multiple times and you had been denied. At this point, Soldat Sol was becoming an increasing noise in the ears of the people. You chose to take some time evaluating the threat before you essentially turned yourself over to the most dangerous man on the continent. You had killed to protect her, taking out the most vile of the cult, the ones who would see her sacrificed to the fold. You would do it again in a heartbeat. You had little remorse for people who would so easily harm a child. Alina may be of adult age, barely at that, but she was still so young and naive to the ways of the world.

“Bullshit, Darkling. You wanted her isolated, no friends but the ones you allowed her. You wanted her to come to you, before anyone else. I heard about the ambush and your dashing rescue on the way to Os Alta. I wouldn’t be surprised if you arranged that to make yourself her hero,” you spit.

The Darkling’s shadows fill the room. His dark feels different from your own, but familiar in a way you can’t place. You can still see him through the dark and you watch him stalk towards you. You hold your ground and show no fear. You know he won’t kill you. That would ruin whatever trust he’s built with Alina. You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of your fear.

“I have never and will never put Alina in harm's way. I have protected her from the King, the court, radicalists, fanatics, and assassins. She has been fed, sheltered, and taught. Her wasting sickness healed. In all honesty, what can you do that I cannot?”

He’s within arm’s reach, staring down his nose at you, but his towering form doesn’t deter you as you answer, “I can keep her safe from you.”

You were surprised he had let you go so easily after that. Alina had been biting her nails when you opened the door. The Darkling announced his decision to let you stay, adding that he would like to take some time to get to know the Sun Summoner’s sister and that he would come to you tomorrow afternoon. Alina was excited to share everything with you and she chattered well into the night about her new friends, her lessons, her squaller arch nemesis, and the heart render she had yet to make smile. You were exhausted from the day, but you couldn’t interrupt your sister. She looked so healthy, so bright. Like she held the sun under her skin. She was happy, you realized. You would do anything to keep her like this. If anyone deserved to live a good life, it was her.

If you want to be put on, or taken off my taglist, feel free to tell me!

@kayhi808, budugu

[anjelicawrites]

Come with us on a little spin II

Part I

Paring: Aemond Targaryen x reader x Osferth. Implied Aemond x Osferth

Synopsis: part II of the request from lovely anon: “what about an aemond x reader x osferth where all 3 decide to do a road trip and the whole time the guys are just loving on reader and giving her TONS of affection” 

Warnings: reference to sexy times but SFW overall. Small medical emergency, if this triggers you.

Your first weekend out on the van had been a success. The three of you went to the beach and basked in each other's company. Granted, you had to chase after Osferth in order to put sunscreen on his pale skin every three hours, he already has so many moles and likes to roast himself in the sun, that you are truly afraid he might get an erythema. Aemond, on the contrary, thinks a tan is for peasants and is always happy to chase Osferth and keep him still until you have covered him in sunscreen. You might have shocked the families on the beach, by kissing one another every giving moment or being dogpiled over one another or due to the collar Aemond wears proudly around is neck; yes, people had stared at the three of you strangely, but you just ignored them and relaxed the hellish year you had lived away.

It’s July now and you are traveling for the whole month. You are finally free from the Whatsapp chats for school, you have purposely left your last pack of cigarettes at home and are ready to spend the month visiting cities, reading books and making love to your two men. Aemond is visibly relaxed, hairs up in a complicated style to show off the leather collar around his neck. He has tried many times to put into words how much better he feels when he snaps the latch close as soon as he is at home, but he fails every time. He wishes he could wear it at work, but he knows his grandfather would use you and Osferth against him as means to control him, and he can’t risk that, you two are the only reason he is keeping it together and will protect you with his life, if needed. He is on holiday now, nobody knows him and can parade around with the symbol of your love without fear; he has even left his work phone at home, to your and Osferth’s surprise and it shows how much tension has left his shoulders and jaw. Aemond loves his family, truly and deeply but sometimes it is all so difficult to manage.

It’s later on your first official night of holiday; since he is the one who picked the shortest straw, Osferth is the one tasked with grocery shopping, while you and Aemond are curled on the bed, legs interweaved together, breaths mingling 

“I’ve missed you” his eyepatch is off and the skin around the sapphire is a bit red. You make a mental note to put some cream on it before he wears it again

“I’ve gone nowhere” you feign ignorance

“This last year. I can’t believe we have let you slip through the cracks for so long”

“But you grasped me at the right time, didn't you?” you smile caressing his hairs

“We should have never taken your strength for granted” he is remorseful. He prides himself to be an attentive lover and he hadn’t noticed how much the stress was gnawing at you

“If anything, I should have asked for your help way sooner. I am still so used in dealing with my problems alone, when I have two wonderful men by my side” you sigh and Aemond just holds you closer, your head under his chin, your arms around his torso

“That will not happen again” he promises, wishing there was a way to keep you safe from all the stress and negativity of your life

“I know - you kiss the hollow of his throat, right under the leather of the collar - Will you do the same? Ask for our help in your time of need?” he stiffens for a second but his arms are still caging you. 

He is doing so much better, he has grown so much from the lonely young men you had met, but the unhealthy coping mechanisms are difficult to let go; it is so hard to learn to ask for help when no one has ever taught you how to, even when you have two people in your life who have shown you time and time again that they are there for you. 

“I’ll try - his hands are drawing nonsensical shapes on your back - I can’t promise I will every single time, but I want to”.

You move so that you can kiss his lips, it’s chaste and you don’t want it to go any further, not when you feel he has something else to say

“The therapist says I am improving in that regard - he is so proud of himself, when he had started he was ashamed he had to confide in a paid specialist - he says I am closer to my goal than I think I am. I hope he is right”

“I believe he is. I am so proud of the work you are doing on yourself. I’ll help you in any way I can” you hug him tight, you legs around his waist to try and mold yourself against him

“Avy jorrāelan. Will you make love to me? Slow and gentle?” he asks, while he turns on his back, so that you can straddle him

“Yes” you kiss him slowly and thoroughly. When you come up for air, you remove his t-shirt you are wearing, leaving you in all your naked glory, the sight is akin to a punch in the stomach for him, even now, after all this time

                                                         ***

It’s almost noon and you are sitting on the grass in front of the museum. The three of you have been walking for the whole morning and you are feeling the tiredness sinking in your legs. Your job is sedentary and even though your boys make you do loads of cardio, you have overestimated your stamina and are in need of food and rest, until it’s your turn for the visit. 

“Are you feeling a bit better?” you can feel Osferth’s concern while you finish the bottle of water

“Yeah. I’ve asked too much from myself” you let your back collide with the trunk of a three as Osferth removes your hiking boots

“You should have used the sandals. It’s far too hot for these” he says while he pats your sweaty, hot face with a wet paper handkerchief

“Remind me tomorrow” you try to smile, but you feel too hot.

For all your concerns about Osferth getting erythema, it’s only fitting that you have managed to overheat yourself to this point. Aemond is on a mission to find some ice, while Osferth is trying to hydrate you and to keep you under as much shade as he can. He delicately removes the backpack from your shoulders and helps you roll the short sleeves and the hem of his T-shirt you are wearing, trying to help you lose steam, your colorful socks go next as you plant your feet on the cool grass

“If you are not feeling any better in a short while, we are going back to the van”

“No - you try to be assertive but it sounds more like a whine - I don’t want to ruin our day!”

“You would ruin it if we are forced to get you to the A&E - his voice is stern, but the way he looks at you is somewhat shy - the stupid museum will be here tomorrow” the way he says it leaves no space for argument.

You lift your hand slowly, every movement is a battle, to caress his smooth cheek and he leans into your sweaty palm, nuzzling like a cat and kissing the skin there. Blindly he reaches for another water bottle and passes it to you, only to stop you when you are almost ready to pour it on your naked tummy, scolding you for your foolishness, but you feel so hot you start whining. He kisses your forehead and grabs another hanky to wet and cool your forehead with. While you drink, Osferth is scanning the crowd looking for Aemond; your temperature is somewhat lower, but you look like hell and he knows you need the A/C from the van. While he sits near you, your head on his shoulder, he calls an Uber and texts Aemond: you are going back and he should hurry with the ice.

That night you sleep in the middle, with Osferth’s arm curled just under your breasts, so that he can feel your rib cage moving, and Aemond’s head right over your heart. 

                                                           ***

After you disastrous outing in the city, the boys have changed the plans and have opted to go up in the mountains, waiting for the temperatures to drop a bit (apparently there’s going to be a couple of weeks of rain at the end of the month) so that you three can explore the wilderness and you are in no risk of overheating again.

It’s awfully early in the morning, but Osferth is already awake. You are not against an early start yourself, but it is dangerous to talk to you before your breakfast. Aemond is still dead to the world: he has passed part of the night awake, just listening to your heartbeat and afraid you would be sick again. When you try to uncurl yourself from him, he hugs you even tighter. 

You see Osferth’s head pop from the stairs landing to the bed

“Good morning lady - he smiles - breakfast is ready”

“I am in no position to move,” you whisper. Even though you stomach is grumbling, you don’t want to wake Aemond

“Don’t go anywhere” and he disappears, as if you have a choice.

You resign yourself to starving to death, when a tray appears at the end of the bed, followed by another and then Osferth’s lovely face and smile. He pushes the trays where they are not in his way and crawls to you side

“How are you feeling?”

“Better. I really don’t know what happened yesterday”

“You pushed yourself too hard, as usual - his hand caresses you brow lovingly - I should have seen that coming and stopped you”

“You are not the boss of me Osferth” 

“I am, sometimes - his smile is the cute mix of swagger and shyness that had you fallen for him long ago - You love it, I love it, Aemond loves it”

“Aemond is more subby than I’ll ever be. I seem to be recalling all the times you begged prettily for me, Osferth and called me ‘Mistress’. I should probably remind you” your hand travels around his neck and squeeze lightly; the mood is broken by your stomach rumbling loudly

“Let me feed you, mistress - he rumbles low in his throat, the vibrations travel down your arm straight to your clit - and then we can discuss who is bossing who”.

You try to adjust yourself in a more comfortable position to eat, without dislodging Aemond from his sleeping position. You try to grab some of the toast but Osferth lovingly takes your hand, kisses your palm and starts feeding you small bites; there’s fruit too and pancakes with chocolate syrup. You jokingly smear some cream on his lips and motion him to come closer to lick the chocolate from his lips and he kisses you, morning breath be damned, you deepen the kiss, your tongue sliding against his as he hums in pleasure while your hand grasps his hairs to keep him in place, right where you want him. 

Osferth’s eyes are glassy when he emerges from the kiss

“I think you can do all the bossing you want” he says, dazed

“She’d do it anyway”  you hear from you stomach area

“Good morning Aemond. Slept well?” you ask as he rolls on his back and stretches; your eyes immediately are glued to the small stretch of skin emerging from his boxer shorts

“How are you feeling?” you can see the concern in his eye

“Better. Still a bit dazed maybe, but my core temperature is absolutely fine” you say, positioning your back against Osferth’s chest and signaling for Aemond to come closer. 

You end up feeding one another food, chocolate spills on naked chests by ‘mistake’ and is promptly licked away; what was supposed to be a quick breakfast in bed turns into a long lovemaking session, until the three of you are too sweaty and tired to continue. You three fall asleep again, dogpiled on one another, even Osferth who had, more than once, functioned on three hours of sleep, a cup of coffee and a prayer, happily snores with his head on your tummy; his concerns for you yesterday and the fact that had slept a grand total of two hours, have gnawed at his stamina more than he had thought.

You wake up almost at noon, both your lovers are awake, you can hear them pottering about; before covering you with the soft sheet, one of them has dressed you in Aemond’s old, tattered college t-shirt you use to sleep and cleaned the mess between your legs. 

You slowly climb down the ladder, still feeling a bit dizzy from yesterday and the lovemaking,   the chilling of the air makes goosebumps appear on the naked skin of your legs; as you exit the van, you are welcomed by the view of beautiful mountains 

“Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore” you smile to your lovely boyfriends

“Slight change of plans gevie. We’re bunking here until the air chills a bit”

“I see that” they have organized the space outside the van so that you can eat and lounge there.

Out of nowhere Osferth just grabs you and carries you bridal style to one of the deck chairs, deaf to your screeches that he’ll hurt his back. After he has positioned you there he just stares at you, proud of his work

“You know I can walk, right?”

“You almost gave us a heart attack lady. You are not moving a finger until you are truly feeling better”

“I need to shower Osferth, are you going to follow me there?” his resolve crumbles a bit as he pouts. The bathroom is so small that you are forced to use it taking turns, Osferth even prefers to shower outside the van when you are not around people. 

“I can carry you there and wait patiently until you are done”

“You won’t be able to keep your hands for yourself and we’ll make a mess everywhere”

“I will not. I have an ironclad will” this statement is met by a snicker from Aemond

“If memory serves me well, you lasted a couple of hours when you bet you could resist our lovely dāria’s offers” your heart does a little spin when Aemond calls you ‘queen’

“I can manage, I promise” you reassure them

“Are you sure you are truly better?” Osferth kneels by your side, concern all over his face

“Yes, I promise I am feeling stronger and I am famished, which is always a good sign” you delicately bump your head against his. 

It hasn’t been such a long time since anyone has been this concerned with your well being, if you consider the past year, but you feel blessed anyhow. Before Aemond and Osferth, you were used to looking after yourself, because no one else did. Somehow you still can’t believe you have managed to land not one, but two boyfriends whose first concern is your health and safety.

Aemond delicately takes your hand and helps you back on your feet, he then stares at you attentively, hunting for signs that you are still unwell; after he is finished he nods to himself, releases a soft "hmm" of approval and declares you fit for a shower and nothing else. You try to say that you are capable of going on a walk, but your men cage you in, Aemond on the front and Osferth at your back

“Let us take care of you, gevie. Don’t you have tons of books to read?”

“Don’t kinkshame me - you try to sidetrack him, but Aemond is too skilled to fall for that - I do” you have to concede

“Wouldn't it be lovely if you just lie back for some days, just reading and sleeping?” Osferth’s voice tickles the sensitive skin of the back of your neck

“Yes, but I want to go with you on a hike! Visit museums and get lost in the city” you pout

“We can always go on hikes and those places will always be there for you. You have pushed yourself hard this last year, you need your strength back”

“Let us serve you gevie dāria. We are yous to command”

“If you keep this up, my head will inflate and explode” you hide your face against Aemond’s neck

“We’ll never let anything happen to you - you can feel the remorse in Osferth’s voice - you will accept our compliments like a good girl”

“I will, I will” you smile, trying to untangle yourself from your two lovers, who just keep you there, safe in their arms.

The shower is quick, your legs feeling strong as your head is clear; you spot both your lovers waiting for you to finish, they are ready to dry you with long, slow motions of their big hands and you think they might be go for another round, but they just need the closeness that comes with taking care of you. They dress you in one of Aemond’s gray T-shirts and Osferth’s hoodies; unfortunately you can’t wear any of their bottoms, due to their ridiculous trim waists if compared to yours, but the sight of you partially dressed in their clothes is enough to sate their need to know you are safe with them.

The late lunch is uneventful, and you race Osferth to the small kitchen sink to do the dishes; you have your hands in the lukewarm water, when you feel his strong body behind yours. He puts his hands in the water, removes yours, dries them and then starts the washing; when you try to help he just tells you no, but doesn’t let you go anywhere, so you are left with turning around to hug him, your head under his chin. He doesn’t speak, but you can feel the lines of tension still in his muscles; your Osferth is a warrior and a protector, who is still blaming himself for not having seen the amount of stress you have been put under during the year and for not noticing how much you body is still trying to cope

“I love you Os, thank you for all you are doing for me, for keeping me safe when I wasn’t - he stiffens at your words - I know you always do your best, even when you think you don’t or you believe you have failed. You haven’t, you never have and never will”.

His wet hands shoot around your middle and he hugs you tight, you can feel him tremble at your words

“That will not happen again”

“I know you’ll always have my back”.

                                                           ***

The rest of your days are spent between lounging in the sun reading, chasing after Osferth who still tries not to put sunscreen on and going on hikes. You always have the hand of one of your loves in yours, sometimes Osferth would go faster to check that the terrain is easy enough for you and Aemond, but he would always come back ready to be near you.

This last leg of this hike is a bit steep for your own liking so you and Aemond are sitting under a tree, waiting for Osferth to return in order to go back where you came from. You are sitting between Aemond’s legs, his big hands splayed on your tummy, the two of you are just trying to recognize the different types of trees and failing miserably, like the city mice you are. It feels just right to be in his arms like this, as if he was made just for you, your protector who knows you can handle bad things yourself.

You grab your phone and take another selfie with him; your camera roll is basically you and your boys, who are extremely shy when it comes to being photographed and always manage to sport some weird expressions. You have a special folder in your phone for their worst facial expressions; those are the photos tidying you over when they are both away and you feel lonely. Aemond starts perusing said folder and you can hear his soft chuckles; it used to be so rare to hear him laugh with true happiness, but he is starting to do it more with you and Osferth, letting himself go, knowing his walls are not needed with the two of you. You turn and embrace him with all your might as he kisses the crown of your head 

“Avy jorrāelan, issa dāria. I love you my queen, forever” he adds.

***

For once the weather man is right and the city welcomes you with heavy rain and cooler temperatures. The three of you don’t really mind, jumping from one museum to another, your boys always next to you, one with one arm around your waist, the other on your shoulder, while you tell them some unknown facts about a painter, a sculptor or their art pieces. People stare at you but you three don’t mind, just basking in the fact that you can do this together. You manage to snap terrible photos of them, wet like newborn kittens or trying to avoid the rain; you don’t really mind the downpour and your boys have to remind you that you might catch a cold and more than once they have carried you so that you wouldn’t wet your sneakers in the puddles. Your nights are spent in the van, which has a back part that can be used either as storage or a continuation of the living area. You usually put all your pillows and blankets on the floor so that you can just hang there, reading poetry to your lovers while the sky pours rain violently on the area. You don’t feel cold, wrapped up as you are in Aemond’s warmest cardigan, while he is lying down on your legs and Osferth is curled behind you, giving you sips from his tea. 

“Same thing next year?” Aemond says with his face against your tummy

“Minus the heath stroke? Count me in” you answer

“You know we can do this during the winter holidays too, right?” Osferth pipes in

“I’m game” you say

“As long as you don’t freeze”

“I’ll never be able, with you by my side Aemond”.

This is how life should always be, you think: curled up with the men you love, safe in the knowledge of their love, come hell or high water.

[ethereal-bumble-bee]

Live Life To the Fullest- A Short Letter

Dear Uncle,

Hey, it’s me. It’s really been a while, hasn’t it? I was just writing to tell you about some things that I’ve realized, things that I owe to you. It’s been so long since I’ve simply sat down and wrote, for no reason other than to share, and with everything happening so fast around me I figured it’s only fair that I share this with you.

I still do remember your funeral— so many people came to pay their respects, from your friends and family to the people you worked alongside, both in the service and in the house when you came home. My great-grandma cried over your casket as it was lowered into the ground, her youngest son gone before she even got to say goodbye, and I’m not too sure Aunt Mary even had the strength to. I’m sure you’d love to see how many people loved you, how many of us still miss you now, how many people gathered to listen to stories about you.

I remember that day so clearly. I remember crying myself sick, wondering why God would take you so early, wishing I had gotten to hug you one last time. I think we all did, really.

But out of everything, out of all of the grief and sadness that that day was full of, I remember my great-grandmother pulling me aside and making me promise her one thing- Now, you live your life to the fullest, baby— you’ve got to. Don’t you ever take this life that the good Lord has given you for granted. Make some memories, okay? She pointed to the newly-covered grave, your name carved into the stone. Make him proud.

That really did stick with me. Throughout my life, even through the moments that left me with scars and stains in the forms of teardrops on my face, her words have always stayed in the back of my mind.

And I am making memories, Uncle Mac. I’m crying, I’m laughing, I’m doing all the things that I should, and I’m cherishing every second of it. I’m living again, after so long wishing that I wasn’t, and now I can see why I was made to promise so much.

I’ve come to realize that every moment of this life is precious, every ounce of grief and love, happiness and mourning, no matter how good or bad.

I’m here, alive, a luxury that so many don’t get to experience. You’d be proud, I think, of how much I’ve grown, of the young lady your little P-Mac has become.

Ah, I’m rambling again. I just can’t wait to see you again, to tell you everything I’ve done, to share how the world has changed since you went home. You won’t agree with all of it, I’m sure, but I want to get to Heaven, and I want to look you in the eyes, and I want to say—

I did it, Uncle. I lived. I’ve got so much to tell you.

Love,

Your niece.

P.S- I still watch the Dallas Cowboys play football.

[valentineforlemonandcherry]

Foxtail & Wolfsbane 38

Summary: Your lifelong obsession to hunt down the Nine-Tailed Fox has not gone as expected, and seventeen years later, you find yourself coming back to the place where it all started: Hogwarts. However, with Sirius Black’s escape from Azkaban and Headmaster Dumbledore’s hire of a certain Professor R. J. Lupin, you suddenly find yourself intertwined in the fates of those with whom you thought you had parted ways with long ago.

[Multi-Post Story] [Rowan Scamander x Reader] [Remus Lupin x Reader] [Young Sirius Black x Reader] [Tristan Graves x Reader] [Severus Snape x Reader] *Note: Rowan Scamander, Tristan Graves, Susana Holmes, Cas Carneirus, Henrietta Weiss, Thomas Picquery, and Magdalene Clarke are OC characters.

Note: Part 38 does not contain any smut.

*Please do not repost or copy my work without my permission. Thank You!

☾ Click Here for Foxtail & Wolfsbane Home Page (All Chapter Links) ☾

The night that Rowan left was simultaneously one of the longest and shortest nights of your life. Sitting there, before the moonlight, you felt the frost begin to solidify around your heart. 

Rowan, my sunfire spirit, you were right to leave, but I can’t stand how much I miss you already. How can I reckon with the fact that I hurt you, used you, betrayed you? I hate myself for hurting you. You’re my heart. You always have been, and you always will be. 

Remus, my fellow moon-born soul… Loving you is like standing in the rain. Effortless, but melancholy. I can’t help the fact that you’re a runaway part of my soul. Even if you ruin me in your kind, gentle ways, you’re my soul, and I’ve got to let you be. I’ve got to keep you as whole as I can, no matter how you feel about me.

The Fox, hearing all of your thoughts, whispered, Oh, little one, how miserable you are. You’ve lost to the hollow in your heart. We’ve reached my nine hundredth birthday, after all. 

Happy Birthday.

No. Don’t you realize - ?

I do realize. Are you allowed to tell me what will happen to me?

You will no longer exist.

Yes. But how will I go? 

The Fox blinked at you.  Her still-eight tails flickered behind her uneasily. But then, trailing after the eighth tail, the ghostly shape of a ninth tail was beginning to appear. I wonder, as a human with no understanding of the after-realm, how can you speak of your own death so easily?

It’s not easy. But Mum’s okay now. My little brother has always been fine without me. Rowan has his family and his creatures. Remus has Sirius and Tonks. And after all, I found you – my Nine-Tailed Fox. Yes, I dreamt of you and then I found you. What more could I ask for?

But I’m to take your life… 

I know. You let out a long, shuddering breath. All of those days and nights I spent at Hogwarts, staring out that window, dreaming about seeing the Nine-Tailed Fox and wondering about how my life would begin. Now, I’m still staring out a window, all alone, but my dream about the Nine-Tailed Fox is over and I’m wondering how my life will end. Is this happiness or is this darkness?

Child, you’re lost, the Fox murmured mournfully. You’re irredeemably lost. 

I’ve been this way my whole life. You fell quiet for a moment, before you said, in your mind, I’ve been thinking, when Tristan passed away…

Yes?

When Tristan passed away, he was able to do so on his own terms. You said that yourself.

Yes, that’s true. 

Can’t I do the same?

What do you mean?

Instead of just thinking of death as a passive thing, can’t I make a deal with you?

That’s an interesting thought. The Fox pondered your words. I don’t see why not. After all, I am allowed to give energy in exchange for energy. And through you, I will be receiving my greatest burst of energy of all – my ninth tail. I will become infinitely stronger. Actually, I will become immortal at the moment my ninth tail appears. However, how could I grant your wish, when you will no longer exist? There cannot be ‘your’ wish, if you do not exist, and you will not survive, as I have warned you many times. 

It’s not for myself that I want to have a wish, you explained. It’s for someone who will survive, even when I’m gone.

Who? The Fox’s eyes widened. Don’t tell me it’s - 

Remus Lupin. 

The Fox sighed. She folded her paws neatly, one on top of the other, as she warned you, But his wish has to be your wish, too, little one. Are you sure you know what his wish is?

Yes, of course I do. To no longer be a werewolf.

This was the bargain you struck with the Fox.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

When morning came, you found your way up to the attic to receive some sunlight and warmth, but also because, in your heart of hearts, you somehow knew that Remus would find you up there.

We always have the same hiding spaces, you thought nostalgically. It hadn’t been enough to bring you together in this lifetime, but you prayed that it would be enough to bring you together for this one, last important moment. 

Sure enough, Remus showed up. He entered cautiously, asking, “Is it all right that I’m here, with you?” 

You nodded in reply, even though it hurt to move by that point because you were so cold. Your joints protested against any movement and every heartbeat felt slow and painful. Still, you were happy when Remus came beside you. You were able to have your moment to stare up at the faraway sun, even as it felt so far away now that it no longer provided any warmth, for the frost had completely captured your heart. 

You could feel Remus’ gentle, careful gaze at you. He was watching over you, as he always did. 

He remarked quietly, “Your hair’s back to blue, I see.”

“Hm? Oh. I s’pse it is.”

You remembered what the Nine-Tailed Fox had once told you about her true appearance and how, before, the woman that appeared with the long, silver hair and blood-red lips was actually the appearance of the succubus and how the Nine-Tailed Fox’s nymph form was actually far more delicate and playful, with blue hair and thin features, not unlike your usual appearance.

She’s so like me that even though I’m turning into her, I simply look like myself, you realized. But that blue hair isn’t actually mine. I never dyed my hair back. It’s the Nine-Tailed Fox’s nymph form. She’s finally taking over me, once and for all. 

Inside of your soul, you felt the Fox growl and begin to stretch her limbs. Her power was calling to her. Your vision began to go white at the edges. You were finding it difficult to breathe. Knowing that your time was running out, you instructed Remus, “Wish for what it is that you want. Wish real hard, all right?”

You heard Remus ask, “What?”

“Close your eyes and think of what it is you want most,” you told him. “Please.”

Just then, you felt Artemis brush up against you. My worldly fox, you thought fondly. I’ll miss you. 

Artemis buried her head against you and you felt your wand in her mouth, poking into your stomach. Well, it’s yours to have now, little fox, you thought, smiling weakly even as you were trembling all over with cold and fear.

Remus tried to drape a blanket over you, but it was far too late to feel warmth. 

I’m going, you realized. Oh, Merlin, I’m - I’m… I’m terrified. Trying to be brave, you squeezed the foxtail keychain that Remus had returned to you tightly in your hand. You whispered to the Nine-Tailed Fox, I’ve got your tail, right here.

Child, it’s not the time to make jokes.

I know, but I can’t help it. I’m scared. Can you tell me where I’m going?

No, but I can tell you, child, that I’ll guide you to a peaceful place myself and make sure you sleep well for all of the years to come. 

You will?

Of course, my little one. Now, close your eyes. Your ship of winds awaits. 

Out loud, you murmured one last time to Remus, “Your wish, Rem. She’ll grant it for you,” while in your mind, you prayed fervently, Take care of Remus, please.

The Nine-Tailed Fox promised, His wish will come true. Then, she stood up and, drawing back her lordly head, she let out a powerful roar. 

The blast of power shattered the very sky above you and the heavens rained down upon you, snow and glass and pieces of broken dreams. But then, lo and behold, nonsensically, beyond the broken sky, there was a sea – a silver sea with dark waves, and ships in bottles riding the waves.

You heard a distant cry of “Lovely!” Only, it was too late for any earthly savior to reach you.

Instead, the Nine-Tailed Fox wrapped your bloodied, glass-cut body up in her full nine tails and the first thing that she did as a fully-fledged Nine-Tail Fox was to take you up to the heavens. She jumped from bottle to bottle until she found a steady ship for you. She began to use her magic to open the bottle when she paused – 

The Nine-Tailed Fox frowned. She felt her magic pulling in all different directions. Oh, child, she thought, I told you that you shouldn’t assume what others wished for. I have to let you go now. 

Well, the Fox thought to herself, I suppose we shall see each other again, someday. You already know where to look now. With that, she released you from her tails. You fell – away from the seas and back through the broken sky. 

The Fox closed her eyes. Well, then, come on, little fox. You’ve called to me so, your whole life. I’ll take you instead. 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     * 

A world of mist – swirling ships. You kept calling out to them to take you, but none of them would stop.

“Wait! Please! I’m supposed to be onboard already!” you yelled, waving your hand at them.

Ignoring you, they kept passing by. 

Finally, you became so frustrated that you ran towards the end of the dock. Right as you got towards the end, a ship approached. You jumped as high as you could and yelled, “Here! Here! I’m supposed to be a passenger! Ple - !” 

Your cries cut off as your foot slipped. You tumbled from the pier. 

You gasped in shock as you fell into the dark, chrome-colored waves. Your gasp cost you, unfortunately, for you let escape the last bit of air you had in your body. You watched with wide, terrified eyes as the last bubble blossomed upwards in the water and floated away. 

Just before it reached the surface and popped, it turned into the moon. Oh, you thought, I can see the full moon, even from the bottom of the ocean. I never would have guessed that. You mused, a full moon… I wonder if Remus is all right. 

You brought your hands up and pressed them over your heart. I suppose it’s my time to… go now. I’ll leave the rest to you then. Happy Birthday, my Nine-Tailed Fox. 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

One week later. 

“Moony. Oi, Moony, wake up.” 

Remus tiredly lifted his head. Sirius had come into the room, carrying a glass of water. Behind him, Tonks peered nervously at Remus. “You look terrible,” she remarked.  

Remus gave her a wan smile. “Thanks. You always let me know when I’m looking shabby.”

“Sorry,” Tonks said quickly.

“No, I appreciate it,” Remus replied, and he meant it. But then, he let out a long sigh. “There’s nothing I can do about it, though.” Gesturing at you, he murmured, “I won’t leave her side until she wakes.” 

Sirius handed Remus the glass of water. “I know you don’t want to leave her side, but you have to take care of yourself. Drink up.” 

Remus chugged the water. As he did, he reached out with his other hand to touch your wrist. “A steady pulse. But still asleep,” he murmured, staring at your sleeping face. 

Sirius gazed at you for a moment. “Remus, what the hell happened in there? In the attic.”

Remus shook his head back-and-forth, trying to make sense of his scrambled memories. “I don’t know. It’s difficult to explain. There was a gush of wind and the skylight suddenly shattered – or else, did the skylight shatter first? I can’t remember. It all happened so quickly.” 

“All right,” Sirius said. “Well, we can’t worry about it anymore. The full moon is tonight. Have you taken your potion?”

“Yes. I’ve already prepared the room for my transformation, too.” 

“Good. Dumbledore’s asked Pomfrey to come and check on the fox girl anyways, but while Pomfrey’s here, maybe we could ask her to treat you tomorrow morning.”

“I’m fine, Sirius. And I don’t care about my – I just – I need to know if she’s all right, if she’ll wake up again.” 

“I know it’s hard, Moony. But we’ve got to be patient.” 

Remus let out a short, harried sigh. “Where’s Scamander? We should tell him, if someone hasn’t already.”

Tonks blinked uncertainly. “Remus, didn’t you know? Scamander’s gone.”

“What?” 

“He left a note for Dumbledore and Moody, explaining that he’s dissolving his allyship with the Order. I believe he left last night.” 

“He left?” Remus said, surprised. “But I thought they had just gotten engaged. Why would he leave…? Wait, you don’t think his leaving her is what put her in this state?” 

“I don’t know, Remus.” Tonks nodded at you. “I reckon she’s the only one who can really tell us what happened to her. And for that to happen, she needs to wake up first.”

“Yes.” Remus, who was now holding your hand in his, leaned forward and whispered to you, “Please wake up. Please.” 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Remus hadn’t left your side since he’d gained consciousness himself, but tonight, he had to, because it was the night of the full moon. Tonks made sure that he was comfortable and gave him a reassuring hug.

Once Tonks left, Remus locked the door from the inside. He sat on the floor and waited for the terrible transformation to begin.

Remus often wondered what the creator of the Wolfsbane Potion had been thinking when he created the potion. Truly, it spares us werewolves from being the beasts we are, Remus thought. But I wonder if the creator realized how nightmarish it is to feel yourself change physically and psychologically – not just into a different kind of human, which would be scary enough, but into a complete beast.

When the clock struck nine o’clock, Remus clenched his fists and waited for the transformation to begin. He waited for that tearing, aching, and burning pain to take over all of his bones and joints as his human body was torn to shreds and grotesquely rearranged and lengthened to form the animalistic figure of a beast. 

Just get through it, Remus told himself, as he did every full moon. But this time he added on, Just get through it, and get back to Lovely as fast as you can. 

Remus shut his eyes and waited… waited… waited…

When the clock struck ten o’clock, Remus’ eyes finally flew open. His eyes first looked at the clock and then searched the calendar pinned on the wall. Night time, ten o’clock, night of the full moon… 

Remus looked down at his hands. These are my hands… my human hands… He slowly opened them. Why aren’t I turning? He was too scared to move, scared that, for whatever illogical reason, his moving about would trigger his transformation.

Ten o’clock became eleven became midnight… Finally, it was three o’clock in the morning.

Heart thundering and joints aching from sitting in the same position for hours, Remus got up from the ground. He walked towards the mirror, more than a little afraid of what he might see as his reflection. 

When Remus looked into the glass, his mouth fell open. It’s… me. Just me. How come I’m not a wolf yet? He reached up and touched his own face, in total disbelief. What’s going on? How can this be? 

Your last, gentle whisper flashed through his mind: “Your wish, Rem. She’ll grant it for you.”

Remus’ brow furrowed. My wish? Who’ll grant it for me? The Nine-Tailed Fox? But in exchange for what? Mythical creatures don’t go around doing whatever humans wish. There must have been some trade going on – Remus suddenly inhaled sharply. Did Lovely trade a part of herself to save me?

Remus made to burst out of his room, to go to you, but he realized that it was still night time. He didn’t trust his own luck enough to wager your safety, even though he felt like his heart was going to burst from want of answers. He was so worried, utterly terrified, in fact, that you really had given something of yourself up to save him, when he felt that he didn’t deserve you, after all of the secrets he had kept from you… 

Remus paced furiously back-and-forth, waiting for the barest hint of sun to come up so he could go to you. Though, Lovely’s still asleep, he thought. She hasn’t woken up yet. Oh, God, what could she have done? What could she have traded for my humanity? Oh God, oh God, oh God… Please don’t let me be the reason she won’t wake up. 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Three weeks later.

Rowan stepped into the mythical realm. A figure dressed in a pink cloak accompanied him, walking a little ways behind him. 

The figure dropped back her hood and she stared at the sky with bright eyes. “So, this is where all your creatures are,” Magdalene said. “When I stopped by to visit your parents, your father kept going on about how he missed them. I didn’t understand where they could have gone. But now, I know.”  

“Yeah,” Rowan said. “Just don’t ask me too many questions about this place.” He put two fingers in his mouth and let out a loud whistle.

Nula, the Zouwu, came bounding in from the mountains, clearing huge distances with only a few energetic leaps. Her beautiful tail made it look like a rainbow was bouncing across the mountains, towards Rowan and Magdalene. Frank, the Thunderbird, circled the sky a couple of times before descending gracefully before Magdalene. Sil, the Occamy came from a bough of silvery-white flowers in a nearby tree, slowly floating towards Rowan.

Magdalene immediately took several steps back. “That’s the thing that fit into my purse and scared the bejeezus out of me that one time, isn’t it?” 

Rowan smirked. “Well, yes, that would be him. Good ol’ Sil.”

Rowan took his time with each of them, patting them and speaking to them exactly how they liked to be greeted. Magdalene was quite wary of creatures herself, but she couldn’t help except smile when she saw how good Rowan was with them. Rowan hugged Sil and buried his face against his scales. “Missed you, Sil.” 

Sil hugged Rowan back with the end of his tail, squeezing him.

Rowan reached out with his other hand and petted Nula on her fantastical mane. Nula purred and for a moment, the huge Zouwu simply sounded like a tiny kitten.

Frank cocked his head at Rowan. Rowan slid out of Sil’s hug (with some difficulty) and came over to Frank. “Frank, how are you? My father misses you so, but I have to say, I think I missed you even more.”

Frank cawed softly in reply.

Rowan looked at all three of them. “I’ve a question to put to all of you, and I don’t reckon it’s an easy one. Would you like to stay here or go back with me? If you go back with me, you might not be able to come back here, to this mythical realm that you all love so much. But if you stay here – well, I’ll try to visit as often as I’m able, but I don’t know how often that’ll be. It might be never, if I’m honest.” 

Rowan tried not to show his emotions as he said, as calmly as he could, “But I know how much you all like it here. I don’t want to take you away from your new home, if that’s what this has become for you. So, I’ll leave it up to you.” He took out his pouch, opened it, and placed it on the ground. “Here. I’ll turn my back and count to one hundred, all right? If you’re by the pouch, I’ll take that as you wanting to go back with me. And if you’re not, we’ll – we’ll say good-bye for now. All right?” 

Rowan walked away and shut his eyes. “All right, here goes. One, two, three…”

Magdalene watched. She clasped her hands together and prayed. 

“Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two…”

“Rowan.”

Rowan paused. “What, Mag?”

“Turn around.”

“Huh?”

“I said, turn around!”

Rowan turned around. Frank, Sil, and Nula were all waiting patiently by the pouch. 

“Really? You all – You all want to come back home with me?” Rowan said, overwhelmed.

Sil seemed to give a sly wink, Nula let out the Zouwu equivalent of a happy giggle, and Frank poked his beak at the pouch as if to say, Well, come on, then. 

Rowan ran over to the pouch and opened the mouth of it as wide as he could. Frank swooped in first, followed by Nula, who bounded in, tails rattling happily as she dove in, and then Sil, who purposefully seemed to make himself just big enough that Rowan had to reach in and give him a little shove at the end.

Magdalene came over to him. “Thank Merlin,” she said. “I didn’t know how I was going to deal with you if they decided to stay.”

Rowan rolled his eyes at her. “Couldn’t just be nice, could you? Couldn’t just say ‘I’m happy for you’ and leave it at that?”

Magdalene grinned. “Well, I’m oh-so-happy for you, Scamander. There. Good enough?” 

“Let’s get out of here,” Rowan said. “I don’t fancy getting caught in another time skip.”

Rowan and Magdalene made for the entrance together, when suddenly, Rowan spotted two silvery figures bounding about, zigzagging here and there among the wintery meadows. He hesitated. “Wait. What is that?”

Nervous, Magdalene immediately stepped closer to Rowan. “Shouldn’t you know? I’m not the expert here.” 

Rowan peered closer at the two, lithely running figures jumping about. 

“Rowan? Hello? Can we get out of here, please? You said something about a time skip, and I do not want to get any older than I already am,” Magdalene said, poking at Rowan. “You’ve got your creatures, and I need to head back so I can live my twenties and thirties in full glamour, please.”

Rowan snorted. “You and your ‘full glamour.’ For Merlin’s sake. All right. Let’s get out of here.” 

But then, Rowan stopped. “Wait, there was one more thing I wanted to do.”

Magdalene sighed heavily. “What, Rowan? What more is there in this strange place - ? Oh.” She fell quiet when she saw Rowan pull Tristan’s old pocketwatch out of his pocket.

“I want Tristan to be remembered for eternity. He deserves the glory,” Rowan murmured quietly. “Someone like me – Well, I should be forgotten, I think. It’s not that I’m not trying, but I can’t make heads or tails of what I’m supposed to do with my life. But Tristan… Well, he was a smug bastard through and through, but he really got all the important things right.” 

Rowan knelt down and pointed his wand at the ground. “Accio.”

A flower burst out of the ground and a small hole opened up. Rowan placed the pocketwatch in the hole. He waved his wand again, and a small mound appeared before the flower, covering up the pocketwatch entirely.

Magdalene bowed her head before the small grave, paying her respects to Tristan. 

When Rowan got up, he said, in a small, heavy voice, “All right. Let’s leave.”

Magdalene put her hand on his broad shoulder. “You did good by him, Rowan, and you’re doing good by the world, I promise you. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

The two of them began to step out of the golden slit, to head back to the real world. 

“Thanks, Mag,” Rowan murmured, as he stepped through. 

Magdalene went after him, asking him eagerly, “Besides that, how did you do all that magic with just ‘Accio?’” 

As they landed back in the real world, Rowan replied, “It’s all about intentions. It’s easy, really. Although, I’ll tell you now, you can’t achieve that kind of magic if you’re striving for a ‘full glamour’ lifestyle.”

Magdalene thought hard about this. Finally, she asked, “Well, what about ‘partial glamour,’ huh? Could I get your type of magic then?”

Rowan shook his head and laughed at her. It was a small, soft laugh, but it was the first time he’d laughed in weeks. 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Five weeks later.

It was the night of the second full moon since the Nine-Tailed Fox had disappeared and you had fallen into a coma. Remus had locked himself in his bedroom. Tonight, he hadn’t taken the Wolfsbane Potion. Sirius was with him tonight, in his Padfoot form.

Remus stared at Padfoot anxiously. Padfoot whined softly, trying to comfort Remus.

“D’you think we’ve fortified the room enough?” Remus asked. “I can’t – I can’t quite remember how vicious I get when I’m a full werewolf, but from what I remember from the Shrieking Shack, I could get very - ” he swallowed “ – very violent indeed.”

Padfoot barked and shook his head at Remus.  

Remus blinked slowly, feeling incredibly anxious. The last glow of the sunset began to fade from the horizon and the room went pitch-black.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

At dawn, both Remus and Sirius, in their human forms, stared at each other.

“Holy hell,” Sirius croaked out, “it’s true.”

“I didn’t transform at all?” Remus confirmed. His legs felt shaky.

“Not even a little bit. I was watching over you all night.” Sirius came over to Remus and grasped his arm. “You’re not a werewolf anymore, Moons.”

“I think it was Lovely,” Remus blurted out. “It had to have been her.”

At this, Sirius’ brow furrowed. He agreed with Remus that this had probably been your doing, but he could see how much it was tormenting Remus, to think that you had hurt yourself to save himself.

“Still,” Sirius pressed, “you’re not a werewolf anymore, Remus. This is – This is beyond huge. It’s going to change your life. The jobs you can get now, and your health will be much better – it’s the life you’ve always deserved, but now you can have it, Rem.”

“Yes,” Remus said, and his voice trembled with what all of this meant, “you’re right. But think about it, Padfoot, what if, in order to save me, she gave up her life - ?” He cut off suddenly and buried his head in his hands.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Six weeks later.

Sirius sighed. “Moony, you’ve got to stop beating yourself up. If she did choose to save you, it was her choice.”

Remus was back at your bedside. He looked even more haggard than before. Ironically, he looked more wolfish now, when he was fully human, than he ever had when he was a werewolf. His eyes were red, his lips were cracked, and his cheekbones were too dramatic, as his face had become gaunt with anxiety over the past week. He was in abject misery, thinking that you might have put yourself in this state for his sake. 

Wake up, he begged, wake up, wake up. Tell me how to give back to you what you gave me. Tell me how to save you. I can’t take this – I can’t, can’t, can’t. Please wake up! 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Seven weeks later.

Knock, knock. 

“Who’s there?” Tina opened the door, only to see her son standing on the doorstep. “Rowan?”

Rowan held up his pouch. “I’ve brought everyone back.”

“Oh!” Tina smiled in relief. “Well done. Come inside. Your father will want to see for himself, of course.” 

“Right.” 

Just then, another voice rang out, “Who is that, Tina?” And a second later, Queenie appeared.

Rowan smiled bravely at his aunt. “Hi, Aunt Queenie.”

But as soon as she read his mind, Queenie’s eyes went wide. “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”

“What - ?” Tina began asking, but Rowan had already burst into tears and Queenie had rushed forward to hug her nephew tightly in her arms.

“You even - You even warned me about it,” Rowan said, speaking past his tears. “That day, when I made to chase after her, you grabbed me and stopped me at the doorway. You told me that - that, when you read our minds, you saw that I cared more for her than she did for me.” 

“Yes, but she could have loved you even more,” Queenie said lovingly. “It truly could have been something more. I saw that in both of your minds. And honey, it’s not your fault that she didn’t.”

“It is my fault,” Rowan murmured. “I wasn’t all that I could be for her.”

Queenie gazed at her nephew warmly. “Love, you were all you could be for her. You were all anyone could ever be for anyone. It’s just that it didn’t work out. That’s all.”

Rowan, feeling rather embarrassed with his outburst, made to wipe away his tears and get up, but Queenie hugged him even harder. She saw all of his unspoken worries in his head: the misery from your rejection and the hurt from the realization that you preferred someone else, the grief from Tristan’s passing and the regret that he hadn’t ever gotten the chance to tell Tristan how much he loved him, the empathetic and sympathetic hurt and utter worry he felt about Cas and Susana after Tristan’s death, the guilt he still felt over what had happened to Magdalene, and the lack of confidence he felt about his career now and the accompanying discomfort he still felt before his parents.

Queenie let out a long breath, as she took in everything he was thinking. “Don’t think too hard on it, Rowan. I know you act all brave, but you’ve got a terrible way of overthinking everything. I see it in your mind, you know. But don’t do that now. Don’t beat yourself up. You did good, honey. You did real good.”

Rowan closed his eyes tightly, trying to stop from sobbing again. Meanwhile, Tina had quietly sat down besides the two of them and she’d put her hand on Rowan’s shoulder.

Queenie rubbed Rowan’s back as she continued to whisper, in a comforting voice, “And coming home to us, too - you did good with that. Now you just sit here with me and your ma, and you close your eyes and rest, honey. I know how tired you are.”

“Tired?” Rowan murmured. He hadn’t even considered that he was tired. No, he’d been so busy trying to fix his life and be the perfect person before everyone that he hadn’t even thought about how he’d felt. “How can I be tired? When I couldn’t do anything right…”

Queenie shook her head. “You’re all tired, honey. From carrying the weight of everything.” 

Rowan finally gave in, as he acknowledged, for the first time in years, how tired he really was. He leaned in against his aunt and, with his other hand, he reached up and took his mother’s hand.

A pale evening sun filtered through the heavy clouds and roamed the dark grounds until it cast a gentle spotlight on Rowan. Rowan let out a long breath. I’ve spent my whole life trying to pretend that this wasn’t my home, Rowan thought tiredly. But maybe it’s okay to say that it is. Just for a short time, while I rest…

For a moment, all was warm and quiet in Rowan’s world. But then, there was a loud squeal from inside the house. A split second later, Rowan heard his father cry out loudly, “Nifflers loose! Jacob, you grab Nick; I’ll grab Teddy! Go, go, go!” 

Running on all four paws, Nick came scurrying onto the front porch. Sniffing furiously, he made his way right up to Rowan’s shoulder. Then, with a happy gasp of recognition, Nick nuzzled his little head rather excitedly against Rowan’s cheek.

Back in the house somewhere, Jacob could be heard yelling, “Where is he? Where’d the little rascal go? Nick!”

Hearing his own name, Nick’s ears perked up. Then, Nick pawed at Rowan’s collar until there was enough room for him to tuck himself away between Rowan’s shirt and neck.

Rowan let out a soft, tired chuckle. Yeah, this is home, all right. Thanks, Nick, for the welcome. I’ve missed you, too.  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Two months later.

“You’ll become a statue soon, Remus,” Tonks remarked, as she took a seat beside him next to your bed. “Like the famous Muggle statue of the thinker. You’ll look just like him. And all these masses of Muggle children will crowd around you and go, ‘Look, look!’ Are you up for that? ‘Cause if not, I think you should straighten out your posture.”

“Mm,” Remus said, noncommittally.

Tonks stared wistfully at him for a moment. These past few weeks had been quite difficult for her, as she had quietly had to make her own peace with the realization that Remus might be in love with you. But Tonks, being Tonks, pushed aside her own heart for the moment as she tried to reassure Remus. “Madam Pomfrey said that she was fine. Her physical condition is stable. Her body temperature’s a little low, but not worryingly so.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, as he strode into the room. “We’re just waiting for her to wake up. That’s all. So, ease up on the anxiety, will you?”

Remus simply sat there, still watching over you. He wanted to believe in Sirius and Tonks and he was grateful for their support, but he felt it was too important to merely “hope.” He had to know that you were going to be okay and he had to hear, from your own mouth, that you hadn’t done something abysmally foolish for him. After all, it had been two whole months of this agony and you still hadn’t woken up.

The three of them lapsed into silence, with Sirius and Tonks giving each other worried looks. 

After another ten minutes had gone by, Sirius got up. He beckoned to Tonks to come with him. The two of them exited the room together.

Once they were out in the hallway, Sirius asked, in a low voice, “Did you send your Patronus to Scamander?”

Tonks nodded. ‘Yes, but my Patronus is still out there somewhere. I can feel it.”

“What does that mean?” Sirius wondered. “Is your Patronus unable to find him?”

“Yes, exactly. I don’t know where Scamander could have gone, but it seems he’s not reachable right now,” Tonks explained. “This happens when someone wants to go into hiding or else if they go into a place that has spells to prevent the place from being tracked or entered into without explicit permission. Like Grimmauld Place.”

“Damn,” Sirius murmured, “I was hoping he could at least give us some information on how to take care of fox girl in there.”

Just then, Sirius and Tonks heard a conversation ring out from the main hallway.

“Professor Snape!” Molly cried out, surprised. “What are you doing here at this time of day?”

Snape’s wry voice floated out, “I heard from Madam Pomfrey that you are housing a stupid, sickly fox girl here.”

“Er, well, I wouldn’t quite put it that way,” Molly replied. “But yes, she’s here. She’s unconscious, though. She won’t wake up.” 

“I know,” Severus replied shortly. “I’ve come to wake her up.” 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

The chrome-colored sea – like a sea of mercury and silver – had frozen over entirely. You were now encased at the bottom of the sea. You remained curled up on the sea floor, not unlike a seashell, with your hands clasped to your chest and your eyes closed.

No ships passed above you, and there were no clouds here. Every so often, a star would fall from the sky and burn its way down to the lower levels of the ice sea, but never far enough to reach you and warm you.

Sometimes, you thought you could hear the faraway sun crying out in pain and your frozen heart ache and your hands itched to be able to move, to be able to curl around the sun and hold it as it worked through its painful rebirth; other times, you thought that you could feel the watchful gaze of the moon and its careful, but constant pull on you.

So it was, that in this universe, the sun, the moon and the stars were the only things that gave you any sense of time passing. The sea itself did not move. Instead, the silent, silver sea, absent of waves, was slowly transforming from water to ice to mist. When the entire sea turned to mist, you knew you would enter Hades’ world. Right now, you weren’t breathing at all, for you were frozen, but the second you unfroze, you would pass on from this universe. In that way, your first breath would be your last. Like Tristan, you realized that this was what it meant to be bound by fate – you had to choose to take the last breath and accept all the paradoxes of this universe with a quiet, unhindered grace.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Severus was concocting a potion in your room. Remus nervously hovered around him, and then you, and then back to him.

Fed up, Severus hissed, “If you would sit down, Lupin!” 

Remus sat. But, unable to help himself, he asked, “What are you making, Severus?” 

“It’s rather complicated to explain,” Severus said, “especially to you.”

“Oi,” Sirius replied at once, “there’s no need to be rude. You just do your job and get the hell out of here, Snivellus.” 

Severus sneered unpleasantly at Sirius. “I’m trying, but you lot keep interrupting me.”

“Well, it is true that I was rather abysmal at Potions, so I probably wouldn’t understand even if you did explain it to me,” Remus muttered. “Still, I’d like to know what you’re doing.” 

“Shut up,” Severus said thinly, ignoring Remus altogether. “It’s not my fault all of you are imbeciles. If you’d paid any attention at all in Potions, you’d know what I was doing just from looking at me.” 

Severus nearly spat out, “Ten points from Gryffindor,” as was his habit after having to deal with a stupid question from a Gryffindor student, but he just managed to bite his cheek and hold his irrelevant remark in.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Everyone waited with bated breath as Severus carefully tipped the potion into your mouth. As he did, he muttered, “That damned Fox is far more trouble than she’s worth.” 

Severus gently pressed your mouth shut. Fortunately, you swallowed the potion. He took his hand away and waited.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, your hands twitched. You began to tremble slightly and you started to breathe faster – Remus made to reach for you, but Severus stopped him. 

“Get back, all of you!” Severus ordered.

Everyone except Severus hurriedly piled to the far side of the room. 

You seemed to be struggling with something, almost as if you were fighting a weight on your chest. You scratched at the air in front of you for a moment, nearly scratching Severus’ face. Severus grabbed you by your wrists and pinned you back down on the bed.

“Come on,” he growled. “Pull yourself together. Fight back, and regain ownership of your soul!”

You suddenly let out a loud, startling cry and wrenching your arms away from Severus, you desperately threw your arms over your head.

Remus swallowed hard. He was scared and overcome with worry about you. Tonks took his hand and squeezed it hard.

“Don’t cower!” Severus shouted at you. “Fight back! Get up!”

You started to breathe far too quickly. Remus made to rush forward, but Sirius grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him back. “Wait! Wait, Remus,” Sirius breathed out harshly. “I think she’s waking up.”

Remus, being held back by both Sirius and Tonks, stared at you with wide eyes. He could barely register his own existence, for he was so desperately praying for yours. Come on, Lovely, he urged, wake up. Wake up, my love. You’ve got to be all right.

Suddenly, you fell back onto the bed. Severus watched you warily. You were still breathing harshly, but no longer thrashing about. Instead, you lifted your hand and stretched it towards the ceiling, towards the sky…

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

There you remained, at the bottom of this frozen, mythical sea, trying to practice this grace of accepting one’s fate, which you had never exerted in your living life. Let go, you told yourself, and hold it all at once. Love everything you’ve ever received, but with no expectation. Understand everything you’ve ever experienced, but with no judgment.

Clink.

You hesitated. A… sound? Did I just hear a sound?

In this muted world of ice, that sharp, cracking sound was distinct.

Clink, clink, clink – crack! The ice was breaking!

A tiny fracture was making its way through the levels of the ice, gaining speed as it went.

Your heart leapt in shock. What? No. It isn’t fated for me to escape. I made a deal with the Nine-Tailed Fox. I’m supposed to go to Hades’ world. That was the bargain.

However, the crack in the ice was growing, growing, growing – and headed straight for you!

You were terrified. You didn’t know what to do! Clearly, this was freedom right before your eyes – an escape, rather than an end. And yet, you didn’t want to betray the Nine-Tailed Fox, and you wanted to make sure that Remus would be saved from his werewolf condition.

As the ice ocean split, literally, in half, a loud roar rang out, so loud it sent your heart thrumming, and a huge peal of blue lighting crashed down from the sky and struck the ocean where the fracture was occurring.

CRACK!

The ocean was cleaved perfectly in two, and split right where you were. You gasped. Your eyes flew open. For you knew that roar and you recognized that lighting – it was the Nine-Tailed Fox.

Is she giving me permission to escape? But why?

Having been frozen for so long, you flailed about like a newborn child for a long moment before you were able to gain enough control of yourself to sit up. You took a breath, half expecting the world to suddenly crash into darkness, but it didn’t. No, the world before you remained the same. It was a desolate, empty world, with no sun.

You slowly got to your feet. The two halves of the ocean lay on either side of you, sparkling dimly in the ghostly moonlight.

Just then, it began to rain – a dark, heavy, and chaotic rain. The ocean quickly began to melt around you. You stared uncertainly up into the sky. Then, all at once, the water began to swell. Too late, you looked up, only to see a massive, dark-colored wave rising well above your head. You opened your mouth to scream and you threw your hands above your head –

You didn’t even realize that you were screaming, “SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!” But it was too late, for there was no ship for you – there never had been.

Voices were spilling out from among the clouds: amidst the thunder and rain, there bellowed a wolf’s terrific howl, a bat’s loud screech, a dog’s rough bark, a lion’s ferocious roar, a fox’s bell-like laugh, and another fox’s ancient, lightning-like growl. It all became so loud, as if a piano had come crashing down from the heavens and was madly playing all of these haunted sounds at once on its thundering, out-of-tune keys.

But then – the wave came crashing down – you opened your mouth to scream, only it was too late.  All became a white, spinning vortex of bubbles – Bubbles? Bubbles! Air! Life! Breathe! Up there, I can breathe again!

In one last desperate, instinctive attempt, you reached up towards the ocean’s surface with a shivering, pale, clammy hand… towards a pale moon…

Reach!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

A loud gasp escaped you. Your eyes flew open. You were finally awake.

[stealthatsweater]

Even If This Love Disappears Tonight

okay, so I’ve just finished Even If This Love Disappears Tonight by Misaki Ichijo.  San was talking about it in his last livestream and even if I couldn’t understand what he was saying, I was curious about the book so I went on Amazon.  Nicely enough they had it in English so I went ahead and bought it.

I’ll start this off by saying I live in America.  I enjoy reading Asian books when I can find translations of them but I always feel as if I’m missing something when I do.  I feel it particularly strongly with Japanese books but I got it with this one too.  There are always missing pieces when I read, things that I am just, no matter how deeply I try, never going to pick up on the way someone who has lived their entire life surrounded by a culture will.  I’m not saying this as a complaint or as a fault, its just that someone that’s never had a hard boiled egg will never exactly get what someone else is talking about when they call a film noir detective ‘hard boiled’.  There are just going to be gaps between cultures that take little things for granted when they’re communicating.  It didn’t trip me up in this story the way it has in others I’ve read but I want to point it out because there were a few times I knew something was being conveyed in the story but I always knew I just wasn’t picking up on it.  So take my review with that in mind.  I’m trying but I know I missed or misunderstood things.

The premise of the book is that our main character, Tooru, in order to spare a friend of his from getting bullied, agrees to ask a girl in another class to be his girlfriend.  He doesn’t know Maori and he expects her to turn him down.  Much to his surprise, she agrees.  But she gives him a list of three rules he has to follow if they’re going to date.

1. Don’t talk to her until after school

2. Keep all communications between them short.

3. Don’t truly fall in love with her.

And our story goes on from there.

Without giving away any spoilers, this is a cute story.  It’s also a softly sad story and whether it ends well or not is really up to the reader’s ideas of what ‘ending well’ means.  The translator did a good job.  It’s a very smooth read and, I thought, carried a lot of emotion in its word choices and how they were presented.  I did find the book a little sparse.  I’m used to a lot more description in my stories and more focus on the surroundings but that’s not say that the story didn’t fill in all the blanks, just that it didn’t linger the way I like my usual stories to so that I can picture things in my head.  Tooru describes himself as ‘bland’ and a character is called a ‘cold beauty’ which didn’t help me at all since I didn’t recognize the context of the term.  It doesn’t distract from the story though and the story itself unfolds smoothly, building up points early that will pay off later without making it obvious that’s what its doing or making them jarring.  Overall a very good read.  The characters were engaging.  The plot was interesting and so was the story’s approach to the plot.  It’s been a while since I was in high school and so it took me a bit to get invested in what is, understandably, a very young relationship but I ended up caring about the characters deeply and worrying when things seemed to be going so well and yet the story still had two thirds of a book to go.  I could understand, entirely, why San was reading it.  Tooru had some traits I would imagine would appeal to San a great deal in a story’s protagonist. 

I’ll end the review here but if anyone is interested in a spoiler version just let me know in the notes and I’ll write up one of those too.  I’d call this a very ‘San’ kind of story.  Very softly done with a lot of very quietly, determinedly sweet notes.  All in all a good, solid read that gave you some things to think about during and afterward.  If what I’ve written so far sounds interesting to you, I’d completely recommend it.

[hpdfag]

Hi!! We’ve both been less active but I’m sure we both are still missing each other…how have you been, once again? I’m sure it’s very stressing to think about the idea of wedding now, it’s probably very frustrating too. I can’t confirm much for you, but I really hope and pray in my own way that someday you can fulfill that need, even if it’s not in the way you now wish it to be. These days are an example of that for me! I’ve always wanted to be a ballet dancer since I was a child (became an irl of a ballerina, you know!) but my mom could never afford or be able to bring me to classes, which frustrates me; I always wanted to be a professional dancer. Well, these days I got my first dance class! In fucking kpop!! And maybe it’s not what I wanted and maybe it’s not the career that I’ll have, but it still gave me so much happiness; it wasn’t exactly what I wanted for, but in the end it fulfilled and satisfied the little child in me. Ranting aside, I think that’s possible for you, too. Maybe the “picture perfect day” won’t be as you wish now, as you dream of; but maybe it’ll bring you just as much happiness you know? Wether it’s not a wedding, wether you fall in love with someone else in this reality, or even something else, I think it’s possible for you to find that happiness, somewhere, somehow. I can assure you! When we’re in the shit as teenagers we’ll always be scared, thinking that this truly will never end. But it does! Trust me, it does. I hope you’re feeling better now! About the uni thing I asked some days ago…damn I just remembered you’re America and you guys have to pay for your Universities and </3 I am so sorry?? If you could maybe move to Europe in the far future to study medicine maybe? I don’t know, but if I had a dream like that I’d want to chase it at all costs…but you should do what makes you happier and safer now! We’re young, we have time to dream. To change! This was a bit of a messy ramble honestly, but I’m still glad I put my thoughts out about this to you :} and I hope it brings some light to your ongoing day too!!

- 🧶

hi, im doing alright, just exhausted,, and i get what you're trying to say but i can't imagine myself falling in love with anyone else, let alone to the point of marrying them. even just considering it makes me feel sick, like im betraying hinata. i'd rather die

i've just been in the grief trenches the past few days, hence the elevated levels of complaining (my dad passed away 9 years and 3 days ago now, so its just. a rough time of year. it comes in waves)

and yeahyeah haha uni is EXPENSIVE here especially if you want to go to a good one, thats why im starting at community college and hopefully getting financial aid as well. the state im living in has a grant that pays for your full community college tuition if you get approved for it, which would be a LIFESAVER since the job search is taking for fucking ever /silly

and yeah, i could at some point move out there for med school, but i'm content with my current path in life i think. i can still work within the medical field even, working on in-house software and IT management and stuff like that. it's not what i wanted to do as a kid, but it's what i think will make me happiest. i cant handle being in charge of someone elses life, it'd burn me out too fast

im so glad you got to do your first dance class though!!! whether it turns into your career or you just end up doing it for fun, i hope you continue to have a wonderful experience.

[faydingrain]

Gavin Ward

With a careful bend, Bast closed a portion of the gap between his breath and the flame, then granted it repose.

Around the circle, distorted expressions of ill were plastered to the young man. “That’s…” Alina spoke first, “Disgusting…”

“It was quite disgusting, yes,” he agreed. “But a fascinating spark of inspiration.”

“Was it…really throbbing?” A disturbed Bristol asked.

“Yes. It was fresh roadkill after all.”

“And you heard its heartbeat?” Cherry uttered, tears along her lashes.

He took a moment, pondering the depths of truth within his tale. “To some degree, at the time, I believed I could hear it, yes.”

Alina trembled. “You’re such a weirdo…”

“With a very creative mind,” Maggie said.

“I consider myself an author, Miss Kotova.” He then turned to his second commenter. “And that use of language didn’t escape me, Maggie.”

The girls avoided his gaze awkwardly.

“Now that I’ve shared my own story, would you like to tell yours?”

Gavin’s visible eye, uncertain and withdrawn, met Bast’s steely golds. “Yeah…sure.”

***

It was an ordinary day…unfortunately. So many magnificent things had happened to his closest friends, and all those popular student bloggers in the district. Just for once in his life, Gavin wished he could have an extraordinary tale he could share about his time at the school.

With a heavy sigh, he pushed open the door to the Paranormal Research Club (known colloquially as the Occult Club) room. It was his day to tidy up, and he did so sulking all the while.

However, as he moved fabrics and dusted crystals, he stumbled over a wrinkle in the carpet and dropped an arm-full of pristine cases and other occult goodies. To his horror, one he was unfamiliar with popped open. Plopping beside him was an item he didn’t believe was allowed on school grounds: a ritual knife.

He scrambled away. Why was Hestia keeping a literal knife on campus? Surely the teachers didn’t know about this…but why was she hiding it??

Wait. Ah, so was this the answer to his pleas? This was his “extraordinary” tale: reporting a hidden weapon and getting the whole club shut down?

Another sigh. If that was really the answer, then he spitefully didn’t want to be known for that actually. Plus, Hestia would hex him if he got the club shut down, and he especially didn’t want that.

Thus, he pushed himself off the ground and carefully picked up the stupid thing. “Man…” As he picked up the case, he flipped the blade in his hands, examining every little engraving, the carefully wrapped cloth, the glint across the shaped blade. “I wish I really had something interesting happen to me.”

Suddenly, he crouched, swinging the blade out towards invisible enemies. ‘Maybe if I had a cool ability…I could at least be a side-kick.’ Dramatically swinging it around as if he were on a stage, he continued his personal play. ‘I could help out on the front lines maybe—not just be useless in the background. I could stand at their sides and it’d be super cool!’

Finally, he slumped. ‘Gahh…what am I doing?’ He moved to grab the knife with his other hand, then cried out.

Blood instantly pooled out of the cut on his finger. ‘Shoot…shoot shoot shoot.’ He hurriedly sucked on the wound while placing the knife back in its case. ‘That didn’t happen. There’s no blood on it. It’s fine. I’ll just put it back and it’ll be no big deal.’

It was the next day when Gavin had accidentally slept in, and made a mad dash through the halls to avoid tarnishing his attendance record. ‘Shoot, I’m gonna be late!! Aaaagh…if only the bell wouldn’t go off, I might be able to slip in without the teacher noticing!’

To his surprise, after he slinked inside the room and collapsed into his seat, lungs heaving, there was an announcement on the intercom that the morning bell was malfunctioning, and asked for teachers to be lenient with tardy students for the day.

‘Thank you…thank you so much!!’

“I’m…definitely going to fail this test…” The boy sitting beside him groaned with a complete lack of self-confidence.

“What? I’m sure you’ll do great!”

“Nah man…I’m toast.”

He smiled brightly. “You’ll do great.”

The boy huffed with a little smirk. “If you say so.”

‘He must not have studied…or maybe he did. He struggles with his academics a lot.’

Once the papers were delivered, Gavin honed his focus on the test.

‘Easy.’

After slipping his to the teacher, he made for the door for a promised early departure. However, he paused and turned his head. ‘...Good luck, Laz. I hope you pass. You need it more than me.’

While making his way down the hall, his gaze idly drifted to the windows, observing the thick cover of clouds in the sky. ‘Ah…isn’t there a showcase for the Robotics Club today?’ He bounced between some particularly dark clouds, having already sprinkled mist upon the city. ‘They’ll have to cancel with this weather. Aw…I wanted to see Fuyuki’s work in action. I wish the weather would clear up.’

The bell ended his class, and Gavin meandered into the hall, only to be met with the awed chatter of students around him. Tuning in, that was when he noticed just how bright it was all of a sudden.

Initially frozen, he then moved to press his body against the window and gaze upon the crystal-blue sky.

The next day, Hestia had sent the group chat a text. She said Kory had fallen unconscious, and she’d have to cancel the meeting for the day since she had to take the girl to the hospital.

‘Oh no…I hope she’ll be okay…’ Gavi ruminated on this as he left for his next period. ‘Hestia was looking forward to today’s meeting too. I hope it’s just nothing, and maybe we can keep our plans. Kory’s been stressed enough…she doesn’t need this too.’

“Gavin! Bro! Hey!” Laszlo sprinted to catch up, slamming a hand on the taller boy’s shoulder.

“Wh-What is it?”

“Look!!” He shoved the paper, unusually deprived of red ink, in Gavin’s face. “I passed! I fucking passed!!”

His visible eye blinked in amazement. “...You did…”

“Yo, man…this saved my fucking grade! I can go to the big game now!”

“Congratulations!” Gavin smiled. “Good luck.”

“Thanks!” The smaller boy did a little happy dance. “Right before the weekend hit too! I’m so damn lucky!”

He was lucky, Gavin thought. And as they headed into the classroom after stopping by his locker, he was met with an unusually disappointed teacher. “Gavin…I���m surprised. Did you not study?”

“...Huh?”

“If the stresses of school are beginning to weigh on you, please visit the counselor some time. And let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

His jaw dropped.

D–

The first in his life.

“Whoa, man,” Laszlo peeked around his shoulder. “Were you asleep or something? This looks like my kinda grade.”

Yes…yes it did.

Still stunned, he allowed his friend to drag him to their seats. “By the way, did you hear about that freak storm over the other half of the state?”

A commotion rose in the lunch room as a student Gavin was unfamiliar with suddenly dropped her tray. It clattered to the ground, and with the spilled contents, her body met the ground and fell still.

Students and faculty rushed to her aid. Before a thought could form in his mind, his phone buzzed.

Turns out, Kory woke up perfectly fine, and the doctors cleared her to return for the day. Despite her worsening health, it was as though she’d never been sick at all.

And, the meeting was back on, per request of their now-healthy club member.

Slowly, his eye moved from his phone to the girl, and back to his phone.

What…the hell was happening…?

Soon after, he was met with other passive thoughts that had been answered as if prayers.

Another classmate in the Gardening Club: he had wished her dying plant well and it sprouted beautifully the day of her contest. Her rival’s impeccable bloom, on the other hand, had completely withered.

His and Laszlo’s passive complaints about the lunch menu that day were met with the cafeteria shut down due to the hazard of spoiled food, despite the fresh ingredients brought in every morning.

Gavin’s desire to put off lab work for his science class was granted a fire that tarnished the entire room and forced the student body to evacuate.

It wasn’t long until he reached his limit. The final straw was when he witnessed a student being regularly bullied. ‘That’s not right. They wouldn’t like that if it was done to them.’

News spread like the science room fire that a student had been hospitalized the next day. Apparently, some drama had exploded on social media, resulting in a mass-harassment on the group of bullies, to the point that the main culprit of the misdeeds had attempted suicide.

Gavin poked his head past the door to the “Occult Club” room. All clear. He slinked in, immediately setting to work trying to find the ritual knife again. He looked high, he looked low. Looked to, looked fro. He could not find that damn knife.

Hestia had since done some rearranging, so there was no telling where she put it, especially since she had obviously…probably, intended for it to be for her eyes only.

‘Damn it…’ He planted himself in the center of the room, and slowly rotated around, vigilant for the same shape, size, colour, and details that he remembered from before. ‘I still can’t find it…you’d think it’d pop out at me with how different it looked compared to everything else…’

The thought barely finished before a loud crash made him jump.

On the carpet lay the ritual knife, tumbled out of its box from wherever it had previously been hidden.

Hesitantly, he swiped it from the ground. “Hey…make this stop! I don’t want this!”

As one would expect, there wasn’t any sort of reply from the cold metal.

“I’m not meant for this power! Please! Take it back!”

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting by yelling at it, really.

Coming to his senses, he held up the finger he had just ceased bandaging. “...If this is all you need…please, take your power back. You’re very kind, but I can’t watch people get hurt like this anymore.”

Once the blood was drawn, he snuck the knife back to where he believed it had originally been placed.

And, sure enough, the bending of fate to his innocent musing ceased, and things returned to their usual, boring, routine.

Scaretober 2023

Brisk Wind on a Dark Trail

Midnight Moon

Gargoyle's Watch

Cold Stones in the Fog

Spirits Rising

Haunted House

Witching Hour

Bubbling Cauldron

Candy

Eyes

Spider Silk

Feathers

Tail

Scales

Fangs or Talons

An Offering of Blood

Dark Ritual

Spook Scary Skeletons

Carnivàle Morte

Still-Beating Heart

Sharpened Blade

Mask

Looming Shadows

The Devil's Hand

Monster

Reflection in the Mirror

Rusted Chains

Stitches

Precious Jewels

Incantation

Halloween

Epilogue

[dxintysblog]

Hi all! Sorry for the long post, it is worth the read. If anyone feels crazy or overlooked or they feel that something is wrong with them. Please read it. Advocate for yourself and your happiness.

I haven’t been here in a while and I just need to vent.

I have struggled with my weight for my entire life. I grew up dancing and in that environment, a young girls body is the main topic of discussion. I was always the chubby kid, I wasn’t stick thin. I had muscle and curves and an ass and I grew boobs early. My mom started putting me on diets as soon as I started puberty. She did these things because, she too, fought her weight her entire life - my entire life. I think she wanted better for me, and she also used me as her support and reasoning. And like clockwork, she fell off the diet train, pulling me with her. I started heavily restricting. But I could never lose those extra pound that would make me enough by her or my dance teachers.

All these things carried on into my late teenage years. I was sneaking food behind her back and eating pints of icecream and sonic burgers and family sized bags of chips. I hated myself for it, but I craved it. This is about the time I got on birth control.

Now as a young adult, 18-19, my mental health was at an all time low. I don’t remember my first year of college(not because of partying. I hardly left my room) I was so incredibly depressed and lost. I met my now husband and fell in love with him. But I was bouncing between restricting so heavily and binge eating.

Now at 22. I’ve married the love of my life, my mom has died and took my animosity in our relationship with her, I have worked so hard on bettering my self and continuing to fight for my education. And I’ve been steadily gaining weight. I’ve been fighting my cravings and working out, my husband has been a tremendous help in cooking meals at home. He has transformed his body. He lost over 70 LBS and is gaining serious muscle. He is becoming so much more confident in his appearance (granted he has always been incredibly handsome. All while I have been gaining and gaining and gaining.

I mentioned birth control earlier, I spoke to the doctor at my hospital and every year I hate the same complaints. Every year his answer was the same “lose weight and that will help.” He gave me no resources, no referrals, no blood panels, nothing to help me get the proper information that I would need.

When I turned 21, I went to get my first well-woman’s exam (pap smear), and I had a woman NP do the exam on me. I brought up my concerns and my families health issues that bring the concern. She immediately ordered a blood panel. She listened to me and made me feel heard. Thankfully, the panel was normal. But this only pushed the feelings that something else was wrong and I felt crazier.

My first thought was because of my birth control. Maybe thats the issue. So I got off the pill and got an IUD. 4 months later, no change. In my last check up, I finally broke down in tears to my OBGYN. listing off the inability to lose weight. The acne. The thick, black hair that grows on my face and stomach - that I tweeze and wax SERIOUSLY. The fatigue and insomnia combo (which is super fun to be exhausted but I can’t sleep). The irritation. The stress. The absolute hate I have because something is wrong, I know I’m fat, I know I need to fix that. BUT NOTHING WORKS. I cried that I needed help.

The woman sat and listened to every word I said. She made me feel comfortable. Before she examined me, she said she would look over my last blood panel to see what she missed. She looked up a health and weight loss clinic that would help me.

I was formally diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarien Syndrome)

I am not crazy. I am not unhealthy due to my past. It is not completely my fault for my problems. If I didn’t put my foot down and say these things to someone I felt would listen to me, I would still feel this way.

Something was wrong with me and now I can fix it. And I feel like I have some control over my life again.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

271 of 2023

Created by joybucket

I'd rather read an actual book I can hold in my hands than read an e-book. 📖 I love listening to music in the car. 🚘 I don't care what other people think anymore. I wouldn't be here without my best friend. I'm too afraid to talk about my problems. I love carousels. 🎠 I can think of at least one person I dislike that everyone else seems to love. I love piercings. I want to get out of my town and start over. I pretend to be happy. 😊 I'm afraid to admit I need help. I love God. My parents divorced when I was at a young age. I often feel happy and sad at the same time. I'm still tortured by a tragic event. I do everything alone. I once had a best friend who is now a stranger. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm creative. I love autumn. 🍁 I love candy. 🍭 I miss my best friend. I read books to escape. 📖 I want to learn how to skateboard. 🛹 I want to visit the Great Wall of China. 🇨🇳 I sing at the top of my lungs when I'm home alone. I read for fun. 📚 I'm afraid to grow up. When I look in the mirror, I only see my imperfections, but never my beauty. I want a perfect wedding. 💒 I love donuts. 🍩 I'm tired of being lonely. 😔 I like to play with fire. 🔥 I'm the misfit in the family. I truly believe in angels. 😇 I can't decide what I want. I play lacrosse. 🥍 I like being different. 👽 I'm a skateboarder. 🛹 I dream of being a famous musician one day. 🎶 I feel trapped in the wrong era. I'm bipolar. I love rock and roll. 🎸 I love fantasy TV shows and movies. I smile because of One Direction. 😃 I hope to be able to wear a bikini one day without feeling insecure. 👙 I love Taylor Swift. 🫶 I still go trick-or-treating. 🎃 I'm afraid to let my heart love. ❤️ I just want to start over. I'm obsessed with Disney. 💫 I will never stop dreaming. I have no confidence. I got yelled at by my parents daily when I was younger. I don't know who I am yet. I want to travel to the places I've only read about. 🧳 I'm dying to meet One Direction. I never want to grow up. I hide my talents. I never thought my life would be so screwed up. I'm scared for the future. I miss someone deeply. I miss my childhood. 🤸‍♂️ I need a fresh start. I go on walks to free my mind. 🚶‍♀️ I feel ugly. I love Ed Sheeran. I always feel insecure. I have trust issues. I wish someone cared. I love wearing Converse. I love the water. 🌊 I eat the ingredients when baking. I can't resist a sweet treat. 🧁 I love Irish accents. 🇮🇪 I can't believe how much things have changed in the past year. I love hugs. 🤗 I want to accomplish something. I've lost a loved one. I find it hard to believe compliments. When I really like a song, I'll listen to it over and over again. 🎶 I always have music playing. I've been rejected in a harsh and hurtful way. I love band tees. I hate it when people break promises. 💔 I cry in the shower because no one will notice. 😭 🚿 I have a friend who is like a sister to me. I get disappointed all the time. I'm secretly in love with my best friend. I'm underestimated, unappreciated, and taken for granted. I have a breakdown every night. I miss my grandparents. I'm confident. I will always help a friend in need. I will accept anyone no matter what. I will always love Paramore. 🎸 I hate exercising. I'm loyal to my friends no matter what. I want my own house.

[rubyastari]

Re-Arranging Life

As cliche as this sounds, I agree with the notion that we tend to take so many things for granted. We often forget that nothing lasts forever. Everything may change any second. Anything goes.

Even before the Covid-19 pandemic happened, I’d sort of dreaded the possibility – but also realised that sometimes, there’s only so much that you can do. Oftentimes, it’s inevitable. It’s bound to happen, one way or another.

If that’s the case, then the only thing anyone can do is to just let go. Let it go. (Don’t sing it.)

Before The Covid-19 Pandemic:

I think I’ve taken a lot of things for granted. (Don’t we all do that at some point these days?) Long before the pandemic, I’d enjoyed so many things. I’m trying to do that again now and it’s not easy.

Hanging out in public space without wearing a mask. I honestly miss doing that now. I sometimes forget wearing one. Of course, that never lasts long. Once I see people in public wearing them (although not all anymore), I quickly put mine on.

Hehe, I never forget to keep some spare masks in my bag.

By the way, I know the term ‘face diapers’ or “face nappies” is used as a bad joke here. Whoever finds this funny, you’re disgusting. Enough said.

I’ve also spent a large part of my life attending live concerts. I remember being 11 and begging my parents to let me watch Color Me Badd ... and Bryan Adams a year after that.

Since then, I’ve lost count on the number of music concerts that I went to. Local and international artists. Solo musicians and bands. Boybands, rock bands, jazz bands – you name them. Single performances and festivals. Attending alone and with other people too.

How I miss those days ...

2020 – The Very First Year of The Covid-19 Pandemic:

I’m not going to lie to you. It was easy and difficult at the same time. I’ve always loved the idea of working from home ( #WFH ). I don’t have to wake up super early to get everything ready for work, unless there’s a deadline coming. I’ll just log in from my rented room – or some cafe nearby.

Back then, going out felt unusually scary. Everyone was wearing a mask and keeping their distance from each other. You’d get ugly stares in public for not doing the same thing.

At first, I thought I was okay with that. I figured that meant more time to read, write, and watch whatever I liked. That meant staying away from people I’d rather not see without lying to them or giving them false excuses why we couldn’t meet.

I admit, it was fun for a while ...

... until it no longer was ...

Then I started missing a lot of fun things I used to do. Hanging out with friends at a coffee shop. Attending poetry gigs. Going places. Travelling. Even my anxiety had worsened on me too, when I learned that some friends had started disappearing on me ...

... or just passed away.

2021 – The Second Year of The Covid-19 Pandemic: The Transition

I consider 2021 a struggle. First, I had to readjust to starting over with the real world out there. Going out and travelling again were filled with worry, since the virus was still around and had multiplied.

I was still wearing a mask, out of real fears. Both my siblings caught Covid in a span of days. So did my two young nephews (my sister’s eldest sons).

It was a miracle that I’d been okay ... so far. There were a few ‘scary episodes’ regarding the similar symptoms, but the results were always negative. (Thank God!)

I started writing a novel out of randomness, a challenge proposed by a friend. For the first time ever in my life, I tried finishing a rom-com and I did.

It was also the year of major confusions. I lost a friend and another old one re-emerged from the dark. I thought I could write some more like I’d originally planned to.

Oh, well. Sometimes one can only do their best. Life goes on ...

December 2022:

So, this year is almost over. I honestly feel like I haven’t achieved much. I know my friends will tell me not to be hard on myself. I thank them for that.

Still, I’m not going to lie to you: I am disappointed. I should’ve done so much more.

For now, I’m just going to finish work before the year-end holiday. Then I’ll be spending the long break with my family at home. My second nephew Gyan-ku has been asking me to have a “Wednesday” marathon with him.

Well, we’ll see. I’m curious with that myself.

I’m still trying to write more regularly, despite my busy schedule. I know it’s been a while since I last submitted something here.

I haven’t given up yet. It’s been a struggle to find the time, though.

R.

[imaginesfordifferentfandoms]

It's Going To Be You

Click here for my masterlist.

Add yourself to my taglist.

Spencer Reid Taglist - @asherhunterx, @ilovespencerreidmarryme, @canadailluminate, @nomajdetective,@reidsbookclub, @filmsbyblair, @ready-4-spencie, @mrs-scottmccall, @roseslovedreams, @j-cat, @cinderellacauseshebroke, @black-rose-29,

Prompt - I knew I did from that first moment we met. It was…not love at first sight exactly, but - familiarity. Like: oh, hello, it’s you. It’s going to be you.

—————————————————–

Spencer Reid knew from the moment he laid eyes on you that you were something else, he could tell from one glance that you would change his life. No words needed to be exchanged for the man to be completely and utterly taken by you. He watched as you walked through the door, though your head was held high, shoulders pushed back giving the impression of complete confidence, he saw the way you fiddled with the strap of your bag with one hand. When he looked at your other hand he could see your forefinger picking at your thumb, clearly a nervous habit. He watched as you looked around the room, watched as Rossi made his way over to you, guiding you over to Hotch’s office with a smile.

“Down, pretty boy.” Derek grinned as Spencer startled, his head snapping around to face Derek just as you entered Hotch’s office. “I’ve never seen that look on your face and you don’t even know her name.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Spencer replied, cringing at how unconvincing he sounded.

He turned away from Derek and tried to focus on his paperwork but he could stop his eyes from straying over to the closed office door every few minutes much to Derek and Rossi’s amusement.

“Who is she anyway?” Derek asked.

“She’s lucky number ten,” Rossi told them, smothering a smile as Spencer looked over, “who knew finding another agent would be so difficult.”

“Wait,” another voice interrupted, “there’s a new person here? Is she nice? Why is that always my first question?” The group laughed as Penelope quizzed Rossi.

“Listen, I know as much as you people.” He said and before anyone else could speak Penelope was being handed a folder causing them all to groan.

-

“Agent Hotchner?” You asked as you were granted access to the office.

Hotch stood as you walked in, moving around his desk to hold a hand out to you.

“Yes and you’re Y/F/N Y/L/N, I presume?” He asked, smiling slightly at you as you nodded, still fiddling with your bag. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, please have a seat.”

“Thank you sir.” You smiled, taking a seat in the offered chair watching as he made his way back behind his desk.

“Your supervisor spoke very highly of you when I spoke with him, your success rate is impressive.” Hotch praised, glancing down at the file in front of him. “Your latest case seemed rather difficult, are you sure you’re ready to be back in the field again?”

“I passed all my psychiatric exams, I was cleared to return.” You told him stiffly.

“I’m aware of your results, I just want to be sure you’re ready. Infiltrating yourself into the life of Douglas Miller couldn’t have been an easy feat.” Hotch watched as a look of satisfaction took over your face.

“I’m ready, sir.” You told him, relaxing slightly. “It was a tough case, I’ll be the first to admit that seeing what I saw had an impact but I can do this.”

Hotch smiled at you before closing the folder.

“I believe you,” he said, “I think you’ll be a valuable addition to this team.”

The words were what you were hoping to hear, you’d wanted a job with the BAU for longer than you could remember but you paused. Surely it wasn’t that easy, right?

“Wait? That’s it?” You asked.

“That’s it.” Hotch confirmed, fighting back a smile at your expression.

“But- but I’ve been here less than five minutes.” You countered back, there were so many emotions going on within you that you felt slightly overwhelmed.

“Y/N, ever since your name was put forward I looked into your work and I was impressed. Your skills at undercover work are far above what I’ve seen in a long time, that alone would be an incredibly useful assest to the team but on top of that your ability to connect and empathise with unsubs, fast thinking and your profiling skills- trust me, you deserve this job and I have complete faith in you.” Hotch’s words had left you speechless, you had no clue how to respond but thankfully you didn’t have to as the door was pushed open and both you and Hotch turned to look at the brightly dressed woman in the doorway.

“I’m sorry to interrupt sir but we have a case.” The woman said and Hotch stood gesturing for you to follow.

“You have a to go bag?” He asked as you both walked out the door.

“Yes sir.” You nodded, still baffled by how well things had gone.

“Good, welcome to the team Y/L/N.”

-

“Everyone, this is SSA Y/F/N Y/L/N. I’m sure proper introductions can be made later.” Hotch said as the two of you entered the room before gesturing to Garcia that she could begin.

“Ok, yes, so, we have five bodies so far found in Wyoming. The first two bodies were hidden amongst some trees close to firehole bay. The ME presumes that the time of death was mostly likely a week ago but we should have full confirmation when you arrive. The victims, who we haven’t been able to identify yet, but I am working on it, were stripped completely and the wounds, that are in your files because I so do not need to see that, show heavy signs of torture. ” Garcia informed you all.

“The next body was a single male, again stripped and tortured and the ME says this death is most likely four to five days old. This body was found a few miles away from Basin Bay Point campsite.”

“Wait a second,” somebody interrupted, causing you to turn your head. There sat a man, younger than the rest of the team, he was…how you had missed him you didn’t know but now you felt like you couldn’t look away. “If I’m not mistaken those places are roughly twenty miles from each other at walking distance.”

“And driving distance?” An older man asked.

“I don’t think there is a way to drive to Basin Bay Point, especially not to where the body was left.” The younger man replied, looking down at the folder he was given with a frown.

“I’ll have a map ready for you on the plane.” Penelope assured him before continuing. “Now, the next two bodies were the most recent, ME says they were killed a day or two ago and these victims we have been able to identify as Taylor Gomez and her boyfriend Jack Gaskarth.” Penelope said as she brought their pictures up. “They were never reported missing because they had told friends and family they were going camping, which checks out because their bodies were found three miles away from Lewis Lake campground. They show the same wounds as the other vics.” Garcia explained.

You grimaced as you looked down at the tablet Hotch had passed you as you saw a young man and woman, naked with slices all across their bodies, as well as deep bruising to the neck.

“What was the CoD, Garcia?” The younger man spoke up again.

“ME still needs to run a full examination but her best bet is that it was asphyxiation.” She told him with a frown.

“That makes sense, there isn’t a lot of blood or scabbing which suggests they were done post mortem.”

“So what,” you spoke up, pausing for a moment when everyone turned to you, “the unsub blitz attacks the victims and kills them before torturing them? What’s the point in that?”

“It could be a number of things actually. Perhaps it’s not about the kills for him but more to do with the fascination of the human body, we’ve seen it before where curiosity leads to this kind of attack. It could also be that he has to kill, he has a compulsion to kill and once he’s given into that compulsion he gets to fulfil other urges. If I had to guess I’d say the victims are victims of opportunity-” The younger man rambled, his hands gesturing in front of him as he spoke causing you to smile.

“Because there is no set pattern, he crosses race and gender lines and there’s no secondary location.” You cut off the other man who looked at you with a grin.

“Exactly, the area is so isolated that he can get away with quick and easy killings but because it doesn’t seem like there’s a secondary location yet we have to presume that the torture is a means to satisfy himself when he can’t hold his victims hostage.”

“It’s a long flight and this unsub doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Wheels up in fifteen.” Hotch said as he stood up, everyone was quick to follow until it was just you and the guy you had spoken to left.

“Hi.” He said, causing you to turn around with a smile.

“Hi.”

“I’m Spencer, Spencer Reid.” He introduced himself.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N, nice to meet you.” You replied, reaching out your hand to shake his, your eyebrows pulling together slightly as he shook his head.

“Sorry, I don’t um,” He said, causing you to drop your hand and nod understandingly, “it’s nothing against you, just…germs.” He trailed off, berating himself in his head.

“No problem.” You smiled again, god that smile. Spencer felt his heart race.

“Congratulations on joining the team.” He praised as the two of you walked out of the round table room.

“Thank you, I’ve wanted this for so long.” He watched as the smile fell from your face before you shook your head slightly.

“Is everything ok?” He asked, understanding the nerves. He couldn’t help but glance down, almost smiling as he saw you picking at your thumb.

“Yeah, I’m just, what if I mess up?” You couldn’t help but ask. After wanting this job for as long as you had, all the hard nights and long days spent training you were finally here and you’d be damned if you screwed everything up.

“You won’t, Hotch wouldn’t have hired you if he didn’t think you were good enough, trust me. I think you’ll be amazing.” He told you, flushing slightly at his own words and the soft smile that replaced the frown on your face.

“Thank you Spencer.” You replied softly and before he could respond the rest of the team was calling for the two of you to head to the air strip.

-

On the plane you were properly introduced to everyone as you took a seat next to Spencer, sitting opposite Hotch and Rossi. On the table in front of you Spencer had both a map of the US and a smaller map of Wyoming. You watched his fingers trace invisible lines as his eyebrows knitted together.

You were trying not to stare, really you were, but there was just something about the man that made you want to get to know him.

Thankfully before anyone noticed your eyes glancing at Spencer every few moments, the man himself spoke.

“Guys, if you map out where the five victims were found,” Spencer began, circling three places on the map as he did, “it looks like the victims might have been hiking the continental divide trail.”

“Pretty boy, isn’t that trail like thousands of miles long?” Morgan asked, watching as Spencer nodded, pushing the little map of Wyoming out of the way for a moment and drawing a line down the map of the US.

“This is the continental divide trail, it’s 3,300 miles long and it’s actually quite difficult to hike. These people had to have been exceptionally fit and healthy which further backs up the theory that these were blitz attacks. You can go days without seeing other people when hiking the trail and most hikers have to give up because of lack of supplies or needing urgent medical care from injuries and illnesses they attract. A part of the Wyoming part of the trail includes a 120 mile stretch of desert with water sources few and far between.” Spencer rambled and you couldn’t help the soft smile, though you did try to hide it behind your hand, glancing away from Rossi when you locked eyes with him and he raised an eyebrow at you.

“So we have a serial killer and 3,300 miles of potential hunting grounds?” JJ asked.

“So far he seems to be focusing on Wyoming, which narrows the geographic profile down to…’ Spencer paused as he pulled the Wyoming map closer to him, “550 miles.”

“I hope you all brought your hiking boots.” Rossi said as groans filled the jet.

“Hello my crime fighters.” Garcia’s voice sounded through the speakers. “Hotch, the families of the latest two victims are at the station waiting for you.”

“Thank you Garcia,” Hotch replied before turning to the team. “JJ, I want you to come with me to the station and help interview the families. We also need to get ahead of the media on this before they start glorifying the unsub. Reid, since the geographic profile is mostly established, I want you to take Y/L/N and head to the latest crime scene. Dave and Morgan, the two of you head to the second crime scene.”

You and Spencer both shared a look at the news you were travelling to a crime scene that couldn’t be driven too. Whilst you managed to pass the FBI’s training and fitness tests you weren’t exactly athletically inclined and seeing from the look Spencer was giving you neither was he.

Judging from the chuckles that filled the plane the others had come to the same conclusion that you and Spencer were not going to recover from this trip.

-

You had driven as close to the crime scene as you could get, which was thankfully closer than the one Morgan and Rossi had to go to. It was still a hell of a hike to get to where the unsub had dumped the bodies.

“Ok, ok,” Spencer panted, cheeks flushed from the heat. “Let’s take a break.”

“Please.” You were quick to agree and the two of you sat down heavily on a fallen tree trunk. You had all been warned that you needed supplies, even for a short hike. So you had both been sent out with backpacks filled with water bottles and food. There were other supplies like maps, compasses and first aid kits that you were hoping you wouldn’t have to use. Thankfully you had been paired with the man with the eidetic memory because you couldn’t read a map to save your life.

After the two of you gulped down some water and caught your breath Spencer spoke up.

“Why the BAU?” He asked suddenly, causing you to look up in confusion.

“Sorry?” You replied.

“You said you had wanted to join the BAU for a long time, why?” He asked again, not pushing you when you paused.

It wasn’t a secret what had happened to your family, Spencer could easily find the information out if he wanted to but you wanted to be the one to tell him. It wasn’t a story you liked sharing with people but something about Spencer made you feel…safe.

“When I was a kid there was a serial killer but he was in the next state over and we were from a small town so nobody thought to worry and after a while things went quiet so everyone just assumed he stopped, you know? Anyway, one day I went to my friend’s house, it was summer and I was always out with my friends. I was there for a few hours but I was always home in time for dinner except for this day, I ended up losing track of time and headed home an hour late. When I got home, my momma was there in the kitchen. She was covered in blood and I just screamed. The rest of my family didn’t make it either. When the police came they said the markings were the same as the victims from the next state over.” You told him, not pausing for breath as you rushed through the story. You watched as his expression fell, his sympathy written on his face.

“I’m so sorry.” He told you and you could hear the sincerity in his tone. You gave him a small smile before continuing.

“I could just never understand why. The thing that kept me up at night was that question: why? Why them? Why did he come here? Why wasn’t I home? Why did I deserve to live? I started researching and somehow came across an article about the BAU, from there I knew I wanted to work there.”

“Most people wouldn’t be able to come back from something like that, especially at such a young age.” Spencer said, causing you to glance over at him. “They’d be so proud of you.”

You couldn’t help but let out what sounded like a chuckle and a sob at those words, causing Spencer’s eyes to widen in fear he had upset you further but then you smile brightly and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“I like to think so.” You said softly. “You ready to continue?” You asked, chuckling as he groaned before standing up.

“I hate Hotch.” Was the grumbled response and the laugh he received in return made every sore bone and the aching feet worth it.

-

“We know that this unsub is a physically fit white male in his mid to late thirties.” Hotch began.

“Looking at the geographical pattern it’s safe to assume that he too is hiking the Continental Divide Trail in search of victims who are isolated from the rest of civilization. He also has no problems taking down two victims.” Spencer continued.

“The period in between kills is lessening so we should expect to find another body soon, have as many officers as possible on the rest of the trail.” You picked up.

“Considering the last kill was two days ago, the average person could walk up to 30 miles a day on normal terrain but we have to consider that the terrain out there is harsh so lets say he walks 20 miles a day that gives up a 40 mile radius he could be in. He is guaranteed to stay on the continental divide trail so stop every male you see.” Spencer told the LEO’s and after some more information was shared everyone headed off in different directions, the BAU members heading into the room they had been given to work in.

“Y/N,” Hotch said, causing everyone to look over at you.

“Yes sir?” You asked, looking up from your laptop.

“You’re probably the most skilled undercover agent in this room,” He said, causing your cheeks to flush and Spencer couldn’t help but smile. “I know this isn’t exactly the type of case you’d usually be assigned but perhaps if we send you out there we have a better chance of catching him. This man is impulsive, if he sees you he won’t be able to control himself.” Hotch explained, ignoring the questioning looks he was getting from most of the team.

You, however, relaxed, thankful that you hadn’t done something wrong. Undercover work was easy, you were comfortable with it, you knew you were good at it. Obviously you weren’t as confident at this part of the job yet, how could you be on your first case, but undercover work? That was your area of expertise.

“Of course sir.” You agreed easily before remembering how fun the small hike to the last crime scene was…your body would not thank you for signing up for a much longer hike.

“Hotch, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Morgan spoke up causing you to frown. Sure they didn’t know you yet but surely your record spoke for itself. “No offence to you,” he said quickly as he turned to you, “it’s just-“

But before he could finish Hotch cut him off, “I have full faith in Y/L/N’s abilities.”

You couldn’t help feeling a swell of pride at Hotch’s words, a man who you looked up to, a man who barely knew you but was trusting you with so much already. You locked eyes with Spencer who smiled at you reassuringly.

“I’m not doubting the kid’s abilities,” Morgan continued, missing the way you rolled your eyes at being called a kid. “I’m just saying maybe don’t send her in on her own on her first case.”

“I’ll go with her.” Spencer spoke up before Hotch could argue back.

Your eyes widened at Spencer’s offer, he did just as well as you did on your first outing and now he was offering to put himself through hours more of that for what?

“Are you ok with that, Y/N?” Hotch asked you.

You didn’t even hesitate to nod, more than happy for the opportunity to spend time with Spencer Reid.

-

“We’ll be close by the whole time,” Hotch told you as he passed you your backpack filled with supplies, “the second we hear something, we’ll be there.” He assured you and you couldn’t help but smile at his concern.

“I’ll be fine, sir. This is actually the part of the job I’m good at.” You laughed, watching as his lip twitched upwards.

“You’ve been a great help in coming up with a profile too.” He assured you and before you could say anything the rest of the team was flooding in.

The plan for you and Spencer to hike up to a specific spot that Spencer had managed to pinpoint the unsub at and set up camp there. From there you would wait and hope for the unsub to appear. The man was impulsive and his need to kill would be overwhelming by now. The two of you were wired up so that if the unsub appeared the rest of the team could step in and help with the arrest.

You and Spencer were dropped off half an hour away from your campsite just so that if the unsub was around he wouldn’t suspect anything.

The walk was mostly silent, both you and Spencer focusing on not breaking an ankle on the uneven terrain when Spencer finally spoke up.

“Morgan didn’t mean anything insulting.” He told you, causing you to pause before shrugging your shoulders and continuing. When you stayed silent Spencer continued, “he’s just protective but sometimes he isn’t really good at showing it and it comes across…”

“It comes across like he thinks I can’t do my job despite this being my forte.” You finished with a huff before sighing. “I’m sorry, I just…you can’t imagine how many times a male colleague has said I can’t do something and then a supervisor has agreed, you don’t understand how hard I have to fight to be given assignments and not have somebody constantly berating me.” You ranted.

“People look at me like I’m a child. When I first joined the BAU nobody would take me seriously, without Gideon I don’t know what would have happened.” Spencer told you quietly, causing you to frown.

“So you can understand why it’s so frustrating that someone who doesn’t know me didn’t even want to give me a chance.” You replied, causing him to nod sadly. ‘I know he probably didn’t mean anything but…”

“You’ve heard that your entire career.” Spencer finished.

“Hotch was the first person to give me a chance without any hesitation.” You told him softly, watching as he smiled at that. “This should be close enough.” You said as you looked around, the place looked similar to the image Spencer had shown the team.

“Please tell me you know how to put a tent up.” You said, watching as his face twisted.

“I know the theory?” The way his response sounded like a question made you smile as you pulled poles and material out of a bag. The two of you staring down at the mess with matching expressions of confusion.

“Now would be a really good time for the unsub to attack.” He muttered, causing you to laugh loudly. Spencer couldn’t help but grin over at you, your cheeks flushing as you caught the expression.

It took longer than either you or Spencer were willing to admit to put the tent up, despite the fact that it wouldn’t get used, you had to make it look like the pair of you were really camping. There was a lot of grumbling, many curse words and a cut or two.

There was also a lot of laughter coming from the comms in your ears causing both you and Spencer to roll your eyes.

Once the tent was up, Spencer lay a blanket down outside of it and sat down, gesturing for you to do the same. Miraculously the two of you got a fire started and as the sun set and the night time air chilled you were thankful for it.

“I don’t camp but I guess I can see the appeal.” Spencer told you as he titled his head back to look up at the stars. You glanced up too, the sky wasn’t totally black yet, more of an inky blue colour and you could see every star on the cloudless night.

It was beautiful and yet you still found your gaze falling back on Spencer.

“Yeah, me too.” You replied softly, your voice quiet so as not to break the peacefulness around you.

Somehow the two of you ended up laying down and looking up at the sky, you had a smile on your face that refused to move as Spencer’s hushed voice told you facts about stars.

“I’m glad you’re on the team.” Spencer whispered after a long pause of silence. It took you a moment to register his words before you turned your head, coming face to face with the man.

“Me too.” You whispered back, meaning the words with your entire being.

Just as Spencer went to say something you heard a rustle in the bushes and locked eyes with Spencer who nodded.

The two of you waited, not waiting to disrupt the operation if it just turned out to be an animal, but as you pushed yourself up on your elbow and discreetly looked around you saw a faint outline of a man. He was hidden behind a tree but he was watching the two of you.

“The hike up here was exactly what we needed.” You told Spencer and through the comms you heard the team moving out.

“You’re right.” He played along, smiling up at you from his reclined position.

Before you knew what was happening Spencer had his gun out and the unsub grabbed you, placing you in front of him as a human shield. If someone asked you, you would never have been able to recall the events that led to you having a knife held to your neck.

You saw the panicked look in Spencer’s eyes but you couldn’t hear his thoughts, they were overwhelming. Thoughts of Maeve passed through his mind as he pleaded with anyone who would listen to let you be ok, he couldn’t lose you too. Hell, he’d only known you a few days and yet he knew you were special, he knew he had to have you in his life. If you died now…

“Just let her go.” Spencer said, keeping his gun trained on the man.

“I let her go, you ship me off to death row.” The man responded, his face close to your face, too close. The smell of his breath had you grimacing.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Spencer responded, not even thinking. He just needed to get you away.

“Spenc, what you doing kid?” He heard Morgan through his ear piece but he just shook his head before shooting you a reassuring smile, trying not to focus on the tears in your eyes or the blood on your neck.

“I’m listenin’.” The unsub replied after a moment of silence, gesturing for Spencer to continue.

“Let her go,” He said, lowering his gun, “I won’t arrest you. You can get a head start before anyone else gets here. Just let her go.” Spencer pleaded.

It was a tense few seconds in which Spencer never took his eyes off you, he hated to see that scared look in your eyes, the fear in them made Spencer ache.

“Let her go.” Spencer said once more and he let out a sigh of relief as you were pushed into his arms.

Just as the unsub ran to leave, you twisted around in Spencer’s arms and drew your own gun, shooting the unsub in the leg. The rest of the team ran in just as the man fell to the ground.

Spencer turned you around so that you were facing him, his hands on your shoulders.

“Are you ok?” He asked, Morgan and Hotch walking over whilst Rossi and JJ dealt with the man.

You didn’t respond with words, instead you wrapped your arms around Spencer. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his own around you, holding you close as you let the tears slid down your face.

You pulled away abruptly, rubbing your eyes as you did.

“Sorry, you don’t like to be touched and here I am-“ You said but Spencer just cut you off.

“It’s fine, really.” He assured you before his attention turned to your neck. The knife hadn’t pierced the skin too badly, there was a small bit of blood where the knife had nicked you when the unsub pressed a bit too hard.

“Are you ok?” He asked again, fingers on your jaw so that he could tilt your face and get a better look.

“Spencer, I’m fine.” You assured him but that didn’t stop him from getting you medical attention the moment you were back in the town.

Spencer watched as you squirmed away from the nurse seeing to you with a soft smile.

There was something about you that made him feel so free, like he could be himself and the thought of losing you…he didn’t want to think about it again.

“You like her.” Derek said as he came to stand next to the younger man.

“That’s ridiculous, I’ve known her for a few days.” Spencer shot back but he knew his friend was right.

“If she’s the right girl, a few days is all you need.” Was Derek’s reply before he walked away, leaving Spencer looking at you with a thoughtful look on his face.

-

The plane ride home was uneventful.

You took the seat next to Spencer again and watched him pull a book out. You couldn’t help but glance down at it, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion as you didn’t recognise the language.

“It’s Russian.” He told you quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone as they settled in for a long flight.

“You read Russian?” You asked just as quietly, watching as he smiled bashfully and shrugged before nodding. You glanced down at the pages again before letting out a small yawn. “Can you read to me?” You asked him, smiling as he nodded again.

“Of course,” He said and with that it wasn’t long before you fell asleep to the soothing sound of Spencer Reid.

-

“Ask her, man.” Morgan said as both he and Spencer watched you leave the office after finishing your paperwork. Spencer too was done and Morgan assured him he’d make sure Hotch received it.

There was only a brief moment of hesitation before Spencer snatched his satchel up and ran to the elevators, getting there just before they shut on you.

“Hey.” He greeted as he stepped in.

“Hi.” You smiled, brushing a piece of hair out of your face.

“I was wondering, I mean if you wanted to, of course you don’t have to, I was only suggesting but I’d really like it if you would,” Spencer rambled before cutting himself out with a groaning causing you to giggle.

“Are you asking me out?” You asked, cheeks flushing as you asked.

“I’m trying to,” he told you, “but I’m not very good at this.”

“Just ask.” You told him softly.

“Would you like to go out with me?” He asked after taking a deep and calming breath.

“I’d love to.” You grinned, thankful that the man had made a move. You wouldn’t have risked asking him on the chance that you were reading him wrong and he didn’t like you but thankfully he had taken it into his own hands.

“Good. Great. That, that’s great.” He repeated, a soft grin spreading across his face causing you to giggle as the doors opened.

The two of you walked out together and there was a moment of awkward silence before Spencer dipped his head down to kiss your cheek, making your blush even more prominent.

You looked so pretty when you blushed, Spencer thought.

“I’ll call you.” He promised.

“I hope so.” You replied before heading towards your car, when you turned around you saw Spencer still stood by the doors with a smile still on his face. You giggled to yourself but couldn’t stop smiling yourself if you tried.

Spencer Reid was something else and you couldn’t wait to learn everything about that wonderful man.

[romanarose]

Sunshine, Starlight, Sweetheart, Brightside: Chapter 19

Steven Grant X OC X Marc Spector

Master List here

Fic Summary: Steven meets Sam and they strike up a quick relationship, both kindhearted and loving, they fall fast. But both have a lot going on. Steven had Marc and Moon Knight, and Sam has mental health problems of her own. Slowly, Steven starts to put together pieces of her story as Sam starts to get to know Marc and Jake. The four of them learn to navigate Sam's depression, family, and traumatic past as Sam helps Steven Marc and Jake navigate each other.

Chapter Summary: TODAYS THE DAAAAAAYYYYY! Everyone gets to meet Sam's family! Lil bit of tension. Cute Jake and Sam.

WARNINGS: Meeting an abusive parent, snide comments from said parent, the catholic church in general but religious stuff, weird sibling dynamics (is this a warning? idk), mentions of past abuse and assault, heavy drinking, minors drinking

Hope Ya'll enjoy getting a glimpse into Sam's family life!

Steven took his two bags and added one of Sam’s so she only had to carry one. Together, the three of them approached the door, and Chris opened it, holding it open for Sam and Steven. “Mom! We’re here!”

Steven heard the scream of a young girl as Mary ran to the sibling pair “SAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!” She jumped up into Sam’s arms for a hug, then leaned over for Chris. Chris kissed her forehead and set her on his hip to hold her as the others approached, making a shit ton of noise as Chris and Sam hugged them.

“OKAY EVERYONE I’M ONLY DOING THIS ONCE, SO SHUT UP!”

Sam called over her multiple siblings as all 6 younger kids who slowly stopped chattering. Steven loved how they listened to her.

“This is my boyfriend, Steven. He works in a museum, he is the best, and I need you guys to behave and not scare him away!” Steven waved as they all said hi “Steven, this is Mary, Dom, Mena, Teresa, Ben and… shit who am I missing? SIMON! That’s Simon.” Any questions.” Several hands went up. ”Oh my god… Ok, Mary, what's your question”

Mary was still in Chris’s arms “Are you in love?”

Sam looked at Steven, grinning “Yes, very much so. Simon, you next.”

“Are you having sex”

“JESUS” Sam shouted, flustered.

Chris stepped in “Okay you little fuckers, scatter!” He set down Mary and showed her away. “Come on, let's go see mom and dad”

Sam’s hand flew to Steven’s, which he happily took. He hoped his touch calmed her as much as her’s soothed him. 

“Hey mom!” Sam called out as they walked into the kitchen where their mom was preparing dinner.

“Hi guys!” Her mom greeted Sam and Chris with warmth. 

“Mom, this is Steven. Steven, this is my mom.”

To Steven’s surprise, she hugged him too. Steven returned the hug happily. False memories flooded his head of a loving mother he thought he had. It was nice to feel a motherly hug. You doing okay mate? Are you? Don’t ignore my question. I’m fine, stay focused.

Sam’s mom smiled as she pulled away “It’s so nice to finally meet you Steven, Thank you so much for joining our family for Christmas!”

Steven grinned nervously “Thank you for inviting me so graciously into your home, Mrs. Waters.”

“Please, call me Jo”

Before Steven could reply, he felt Sam freeze and grab his hand tightly as her dad entered beside her, touching her back. Steven knew how much Sam hated being touched from behind. He squeezed her hand in reassurance. Sam had warned her dad was boisterous, and she was correct. “And you can keep calling me Mr. Waters!” He reached out a hand to Steven

Steven shook his hand “Pleased to meet you Mr. Waters.” He tried his best to put on a genuine smile, but it was hard when he knew what he had done to Sam.

“You can call him Dave, actually. Hi dad.” Sam said with a soft smile.

“Hi Sammie” Dave moved to hug her, but Sam moved back to dodge it, gripping Steven’s hand painfully.

“I’ve asked you not to call me Sammie.”

Dave ignored her, looking at her TARDIS hat. “Still into Doctor Who, huh.”

Despite the obvious condescending tone, Sam smiled but took it off. “Yeah, Steven bought it for me! He took me to the Doctor Who Museum”

Dave laughed loudly “Don’t let her strong arm you Stevie”

Chris stepped in “He likes Doctor Who, Dad”

Dave seemed to suddenly notice Chris. He barely acknowledged his son. “Well, I just hope she doesn’t wear it to mass.”

“Okay! Time to get ready.” Sam practically dragged Steven out of the room, not before turning around to her dad “Don’t call him Stevie. It’s Steven.”

She led him to another room “GUYS!!” She shouted “TIME TO GET READY!”

The kids grumbled “I don’t wanna hear it!”

Philomena complained “But Ben isn’t getting ready” 

“Ben, Tersa and Chris can handle themselves, I gotta make sure you are all presentable. Now go, I’ll meet you guys upstairs in a minute” Sam turned to Steven “How are you doing Sunshine? CHRIS! GET SIMON SHOWERED! Sorry, mom’s busy”

It was like she commanded a little army. “I’m doing great, Sweetheart. Are you okay? You seemed really tense earlier.” 

“Yeah, yeah I’m doing fine. Now, I got three girls' hair to do, and catholic girls don’t cut their hair so it's a LOT.” She pointed to the stairs “The boys are down there, Chris will show you the bathroom so you don’t have to change infront of the boys. I’ll see you in a bit, okay? Don’t let dad corner you okay? I don’t want him talking to you alone.”

“Okay darling” Steven kissed her softly on the lips “I love you very dearly.”

“I love you baby, both of you, so much.”

Steven didn’t want to let her go, he felt such tension in her and wanted to keep her in his sights, safe. But he knew she had kids to take care of, as always. He got ready in the basement. 

So that was something.

I think she about broke a bone in our hand when he dad touched her back.

He calls her Sammie

She hates being called Sammie, and she hates people touching from behind.

We don’t even touch her back, and she actually trusts us. Do you think she hates being called Sammie because that’s what he calls her?

Great question. Are you ready for Mass Steven?

Not really, I looked up what all happens. I thought it would be better to be prepared but it seems like a lot.

It’ll be okay. She doesn’t expect you to participate, she just wants you as support. 

I think she wishes I’d participate. I know she doesn’t practice anymore but it seems like it’s still… I don’t know, a part of her? I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s like that with a lot of people who grow up in religion. 

I just wish I could support her more

It’s okay, you’re going to be at mass and we’re here for her all weekend. She’ll be okay.

When Sam called for him, he was sitting on the guest bed, watching Chris tie Ben’s tie. Steven practically dashed up the first set of stairs and looked for a second set.

“Hey baby.” Sam called above him. He looked up to see her smiling at him above the stairwell, leaning over the balcony. “How you doing, pretty boy?” She winked at him.

Steven couldn’t even reply at first, he was too busy staring at her smiling above him. Her auburn waves were hanging over the stairwell, and her beautiful lips were bright red and her eyelids were a sparkling golden color. Her dress was adorable, a cute green and black flannel dress with a leather belt accentuating her waist. “Darling…” She looked angelic.

As Sam skipped down the stairs, Steven put his hands on her waist so she could jump into his arms, she wrapped her legs around him as she held her up.

She went to kiss him, but he pulled away “Love, your lipstick.”

“I’ll put it back on, just kiss me”

“Gladly” The kiss was simple but passionate, she opened her mouth slightly for him, but he was concerned about her family seeing. After he set her down, she wiped her lipstick off his lips with her sleeve. She called upstairs “Hey T! Can you toss me my lipstick?” 

After a moment, Stever saw Teresa appear “I told you he was gonna lick it off of you” she tossed the tube down.

“Yeah yeah yeah, and where is your boyfriend?”

Teresa glared at Sam “He’s my fiance, and he’s busy.”

Walking over to the hallway mirror, Sam reapplied her lipstick “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Teresa stormed off.

“No Holden this weekend?” Steven asked.

“I’ve met him once, and he’s an asshole. He doesn’t love her, he loves that makes money. He thinks they can just live forever off her CNA money. That’s why he proposed.”

Steven watched her touch up her lips, wishing so badly he could tear into her, or at least slip a hand up her skirt. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her waist and watched her through the mirror “I know you said we’ll do gifts in the morning but I wanted to give it to you tonight.”

She met his eye in the mirror and turned around to smile in his arms “I’ll let you in on a secret, Sunshine, I love Christmas Eve gifts”

“It’s perfect. Stay here.” He ran downstairs and pulled out two bags. One was his backpack, one, Sam recognized as not his. “That’s Chris’s bag.”

“I know, I sent him money to buy the gift, it was only available in Dover, and this way I didn’t have to worry about you finding it.”

He dug through the bag for a second and pulled out a smaller bag decorated in snowflakes “For you, my love.”

Sam was already emotional, touched that Steven would get her two gifts and even coordinate with Chris just to get it. She loved that they were communicating. She pulled out a men’s leather jacket that was complete with a collar and a buckle. “Oh my god… Steven! This looks just like…”

Steven nodded “Bruce Springsteen’s”

She flashed her smile that always brightened his day “On the Born to Run album cover!” She squealed loudly in delight.

“I know it’s a men’s jacket but I couldn’t find anything like it in womens-”

“STEVEN!” She stopped him, rushing into him for a hug that nearly toppled him over “Steven this is perfect I love it so much! I don’t want a women’s jacket, it looks just like Springsteen’s! I love you, I love you so much baby!” As Steven hugged her back, he looked up to see Teresa watching them as she leaned over the balcony, looking sad. When she caught his eyes, she dashed away.

My turn, buddy

Steven whispered “Marc wants to talk to you before we leave.”

“Of course” She called downstairs “BOYS! 5 MINUTES!” Steven helped Sam put the leather jacket on, and when she turned back around, recognized Marc and greeted him with an adoring smile “Hello Starlight.”

“Hello Brightside. I know we said no gifts.”

Sam’s face fell into a little bit of panic. “Marc, no! We agreed on this and I didn’t buy you anything for a reason!” She couldn’t stand the thought of not having a gift for him if he bought her something.

“It’s okay, I didn’t buy it, our deal still stands… I just thought- well, I’ll show you.”

He reached into his backpack and Sam’s breath caught as he pulled out the black and red scarf she made him all those months ago.

“Marc…” She could feel the tears coming.

He wrapped it around his neck, smiling at her.

“Marc, honey… you kept it? I thought you…”

He pulled her into his arms and held her, speaking softly in case little ears were listening. “Threw it away? Never. I didn’t know it at the time, but I think I loved you even back then. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it, even if I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry I hurt you that day, I love the scarf, and I love you.”

“This is a beautiful gift, thank you my love.” She whispered “I love you too.” 

“I’ll see you later baby”

“I love you Marc”

Steven was back. “He can be really sweet when he tries.” He wiped a tear from her eyes. 

“He really can.” She shook herself, the way she always did when she was regaining composure. “It’s time to get going. Are you ready baby?”

He was not “Absolutely, darling.”

Chris drove one car, Benedict sat in front, with Steven, Sam and Teresa in the back. Steven couldn’t help but feel like an outsider. He supposed he was an outsider. Chris and Sam would bring him into the conversation, but it seemed everything was based off of inside jokes. Steven wasn’t uncomfortable with this, however, he liked seeing Sam in her element. She was happy with her siblings. It was when he entered the doors to St. Bonaventures, that he really felt out of his element. It was beautiful, really. And the smell was nice. He felt Marc leave. He couldn’t tell if Jake was present or not, but then again he rarely could. 

Sam took his hand and hung back as her siblings went to meet up with the rest of the family. “Just follow my lead. You don’t have to do any of the hand gestures like the sign of the cross, you don’t have to kneel or say anything. Just stand and sit with me. Only thing you really have to do is during the sign of peace, everyone around you will shake your hand and say ‘peace be with you’. It’s kinda nice, actually.”

Steven was wringing his hands together, trying to get his anxiety under control “And what about during communion?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. You can just sit while everyone goes…”

“Are you going to communion?”

“No, me and T can’t, since we aren’t active in the church but we always go up with everyone and we cross our arms, then the priest just gives us a blessing. Don’t worry about that.”

“Okay. Okay yeah.”

She smiled at him “Thank you for doing this my love. I know you feel uncomfortable. I know this whole weekend is uncomfortable. I’m not exactly thrilled either, I’m not even Catholic anymore, but it’s a family thing and I know my family is a mess but-”

“Darling” he kissed her forehead “You don’t have to justify this to me. It’s important to you. Family is important. It’s okay.”

“Okay. Let’s get this party started…” she mumbled. Sam dipped her finger in the holy water and blessed herself with the sign of the cross. She found where her family was sitting and went to the end of the back pew, kneeling and doing another sign of the cross before sliding in next to Mary. Steven sat next to her. Sam kneels at the pew for a few minutes. She didn’t believe in catholicism, but she did believe in god. Sam was of the mindset that holy places in one religion were holy in general. Even if she wasn’t catholic anymore she still felt closer to god in church. Maybe it was the perfectly curated aesthetic, or the peaceful quiet nature, but Sam prayed, even if just for a minute. 

She remembered being here as a kid, begging for the abuse to stop, she remembered coming when Jordan was touching her. That didn’t stop either. But when she was raped, she distictly remembers spending weeks in this very church. Practically every day, she kneeled her, crying, begging god to get rid of him, begging to not be pregnant. She wasn’t. She told Chris what happened, and he promptly beat the shit out of him, despite only being 19 and Jordan was 28. She doesn’t know if any of this had to do with God. But in the end, she was safe. She was safe now. She was safe with Steven and Marc. Steven had saved her from the man in the alley. Whether or not he was going to rape her, kill her, mug her, or just beat her up, she didn’t know. And she never would have to know, because of Steven. She thanked god for Steven, for Marc, for Chris, Jess and Elena and all her siblings. She was truly blessed in so many ways.

When she was done, she took Steven’s hand again.

“How was it, love?” Steven didn’t know if that was an appropriate thing to ask or not.

“It was nice. My relationship with God is complicated, but I always enjoy our chats.”

Steven smiled. He didn’t understand it, but he hoped it brought her some sort of peace.

When the music starts, Sam stood up and felt Steven’s grip tighten, before he let go completely. This was odd. Sam turned to him. It wasn’t Steven. She almost whispered Marc’s name, but she realized it was Jake. She was starting to be able to tell them apart. 

Sam spoke quietly, the music covering her voice “Why are you here? Shit, sorry that sounds aggressive…”

Jake matched her volume “Don’t worry about it Muneca, and Steven was nervous, so I took over.”

The concern flashed on her face “Is he okay?”

Jake still wasn’t looking at her “He’s fine.”

A pause. “… Does he know you took over?”

A sly smile crept on his beautiful mouth “No.”

She avoided saying his name. It was unlikely anyone could hear her, but if they were to catch a word or two, you didn’t want it to be the wrong name. Sam glared at him “You can’t just take the body from him and make him black out. He’s going to freak out. Can you just tell him you took over?”

He sighed. She watched his face. It wasn’t quite as obvious as Steven or Marc when he was having a mental conversation, but she could still see it happening. “Okay, he said it’s fine.”

Another pause. “Why are you here, exactly.”

“I told you, Steven was nervous.”

“You don’t generally force a take over unless the body is in danger. Come on, Steven being a little nervous isn’t cause to take over. Tell me.”

Jake considered for a moment. Sam looked over to her right. Mary was fidgeting and everyone else was paying attention to the service.

“Come on. We all gotta be honest with each other if this is gonna work out.”

Finally, he spoke. “I heard you telling Steven what to do and what he doesn’t have to do. I figured it would be easier if I took over.”

Now she was confused. “Why?”

“Listen, I'm just a little more prepared to go through Mass than Steven is.”

“Oh… are you here… to…”

“Make things easier for you, yes.” Jake’s jaw tensed. 

“I know this isn’t exactly how you’d like to spend your time fronting. You don’t have to do this for me.”

“Communion. You go up for the blessing, and Steven was going to stay behind?”

“Yeah.”

“And your mom, it would make her happy if I go for the blessing with you?”

Sam smiled “Yes”

“Then that’s what we’ll do.”

Sam was happier than she thought she could be this weekend. A weekend filled with duty and taking care of the kids and checking in and taking verbal abuse… She found pockets of little lights in the darkness. Her boys. Her sunshine, her starlight and now her moonlight.

Jake broke her thoughts. “Sam.”

They sat down as Mass went on “Yes?”

“I’m not your boyfriend. I’m not going to be your boyfriend. That’s not what I was made for.”

Sam opened her mouth to protest. Not that he had to date her, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to date him, but he said that wasn’t what he was made for. This bothered her. He deserved love and affection just as much as Marc or Steven.

Before she could say anything, Jake stopped her “No, don’t do that. This is not about self pity or self hatred. I’m not Marc, you don’t need to convince me I’m worthy of love or any of that. I am not interested. And don’t take it personal. It’s just not my focus.”

Sam considered this. It seemed like he was genuine. She wasn’t offended. “Can we be friends? Like, can we hang out sometimes? I know you aren’t always fond of me…”

Jake thought about this. He never had a friend. Marc and Steven were close, things were getting better on that front, but he wouldn’t call them his friends. She was right, he was not a big fan of hers in the beginning, but she had grown on him. He had told her the day they met, he thought she was funny, and that remained true. In the time since the day Marc punched the mirror, he began to see Sam a little differently. She carefully bandaged his hand even when she was furious and thought it was Marc, she continued to be careful and gentle when it was Jake, despite how angry and scared she was. She really cared about them, and they cared about her. He was beginning to think she was good for them.

“Yeah. We can be friends.” 

Dinner went well. Steven tried his best to interact with the younger kids, he wanted their approval so, so bad. Marc was busy observing, as was Jake. Marc was distracted, whenever Sam was talking, but Jake was observing the entire family dynamic, paying attention to every inter-sibling interactions and how her dad treated each kid. Her mom showed nothing but love to all her kids and her husband. What bewildered Jake is how much Jo let Dave get away with. How did someone who obviously loved her kids so much, let him do what he did to those children? How did she continue to let him make mean comments to his kids? All three of the boys noticed every single rude comment to Sam. 

There was the comment on her name. Jo had made a joke about the kids names, how the names just screamed Catholic, except for Samantha.

Sam played along “Yeah, but I still got the most catholic girl middle name in history. Can you guess what it is, Steven?”

Steven thought for a moment. “Elizabeth? Rose?”

She laughed “Elizabeth is Philomena’s middle name, so good guess. No, it’s Marie. So Samantha Marie, and then there’s still Mary” she chuckled again

Dave just had to join in “Maybe if we had given you a Catholic name, you would’ve stayed catholic.”

Sam laughed nervously, Marc caught how her eyes immediately darted to Chris, who was looking at her.

Well that was unnecessary Steven couldn’t help it. “Well, she’s not the only one who-” He was going to say left the church, but felt a tight squeeze on his hand. Sam was asking him to stop. “I think Samantha Marie is a beautiful name” He turned to her “And I think Sam fits you so well.”

“Thank you baby” She gave him a kiss, which resulted in a chorus of ew’s from the youngest two kids.

After dinner, Jo called everyone into the living room. She had gotten everyone pajamas, Steven was touched to find she had bought a pair for him as well. The boys were in green and black flannel, the girls were in red and black. All the kids went to the basement to play monopoly. 

Dom pulled out the game

Teresa, “There’s only 8 pieces, someone’s gonna have to pair up.”

Steven volunteered “Sam and I can be a team.” He smiled at her.

She returned the smile, but did not go along with the plan “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

Steven was confused.

Chris began setting up.

Philomena “Samantha never teams up with board games” 

Ben “That’s a nice way of putting it, Mena. Sam is insanely competitive.” He got the vodka and orange juice from under his bed.

Sam “I’m not THAT competitive, I just like… doing it by myself” She smiled but dodged eye contact. Ben got drinks going for Chris, Sam, Mena, Dom, Teresa, Steven and himself.

Simon “I want some!”

Sam “No way, you’re not old enough.”

Simon “But you let Mena and Dom drink!”

Chris “They are 17, you are 11. Get to 16, then we’ll talk.”

Chris turns to Steven “Sam wants to assert her dominance by destroying you in monopoly.”

Teresa “I think we all know Sam likes to assert her dominance”

Dominic “You know all about that, don’t you Steven.”

Steven nearly spit out his drink.

Sam “MOVING ON! Who's taking Mary?”

No one volunteers. Everyone who is drinking, takes a long sip. Except Teresa.

Steven “Mary can play with me” He turned to Mary who quickly scurried to sit by Steven, grinning up at him.

Sam “Alright, now. Let's try to keep this as a nice, friendly game. 

Sam, 3 and a half hours and 6 drinks latter “SUCK A DICK, DUMB SHITS!”

Mena had passed out trying to go drink for drink with Chris. Mary passed out because she was 7 and Simon was only up fighting his eyes to prove he was grown. It had been down to Sam and Ben, Dominic had been the second out after Simon, and Teresa, who slid her drink over to Sam, held out until 3rd place. Chris was drunk off his fucking ass.

As soon as Sam won, Chris and Teresa flopped onto the floor.

Teresa “Thank GOD! I hate you all so much. It’s been down to you an HOUR AND A HALF!!”

Chris “They are playing out their fucking pissing match in bored game for” Chris was sluring his words.

Teresa “Okay guys, Chris is swearing. That means it’s time to go to bed.” She  scooped up Mary.

Steven helped Sam stand up “I’ll get Sam” Chris had dragged Dominic to his bed.

Teresa “How often do you have to do that?”

Steven “What do you mean?”

“Get her to bed when she’s passed out. Does she do that a lot?”

Steven considered the question. No, not really, but there was a lot of drinking it seems. “Not much, but she only stays with me a couple nights a week”

Sam “I don’t drink THAT much T, just as much as the rest of you.”

Teresa “Which is, in fact, a lot”

Sam snorted “Oh, is that why you’re suddenly not drinking? You think you’re better than us?”

Teresa sighed and turned to Steven “She’s your problem now” She picked up Mary and carried her upstairs.

Sam muttered “She’s been acting weird this whole trip.”

“I’m sure she’s just stressed about the wedding. Come on love, let’s get you to bed.”

“Tomorrows gonna suck.”

“Why is that?”

“Everyone is gonna be hung over and drinking…”

Steven helped her start stepping up the stairs “Everyone was drinking tonight and I think it went well.”

“Yeah, but tomorrow dad is gonna be drinking.”

THANK YOOOUUU FOR READING!!!

Reblogs are the best way to spread my work, I always appreciate that!!

And I love the nice comments ya'll leave here, seriously like...if you like what I write please let me know bc each chapter gets less notes and it makes me sad.

@ahookedheroespureheart @kr-mlk @mt2sssss @cherryvalentine1

@cherryvalentine1

[saphirered]

Hey! You asked for individual character requests, so how about Vex x Reader (I thought I’d give you a break from EXU as well), where the reader has a massive crush on Vex, but is unfortunately really scared of Trinket? And maybe something about Vex helping them to relax and bond? Thanks regardless! I love your writing x

Thanks for requesting! This was definitely a fun one to write so I hope you enjoy! 😘

-

You may or may not like Vex. Okay, maybe a but more than just like, closer to a major crush but how could you not? Vex’s intelligent, quick-witted, drop dead gorgeous and don’t even get started on the woman’s charm or you might just swoon. Gods above, you’ve fallen for the half-elf hard. The worst part; you know she likes you too. She’s stated so several times, flirting with you more than anyone else and not just to get something from you. She’s not shy about it and takes every opportunity she can get to make you blush. It’s great, or would be great were it not for your very reasonable fear for big hulking bears and Vex just happens to call one such bear her closest of buddies if not closer to a fur baby.

You’re not sure what to do. Trinket, you know, is nothing short of lovely but you cannot get over your fears no matter how much you may like Vex. You’ve kept your distance and retreated within your shell every time the big grizzly is around. Bears are scary. Sharp claws and teeth, super strong. They can climb, swim and run. They’re great trackers too so there’s really no getting away from them.

“Darling, do you have a moment?” You’re seated at the table scribbling away on some paperwork you needed to take care of. Someone has to assure there’s any food and drink left after Grog has one of his solo exclusive parties again. They’re not really parties and only consist of him inviting Scanlan and Vax for a night of binging food and ale until the sun comes up but you’re always out of groceries right after.

Vex peaks around the corner leaning on the doorpost arms crossed. You put down your pen and nod. Vex nods her own head to the hallways behind her and you get the message getting up and following her to wherever she’s leading you. There’s a determination in her step but she tries to cover everything else which leaves you worried just a bit. What’s she up to?

“Vex, where are we going?” You fall in line next to her as you begin to ascend the stairs.

“Don’t worry, darling. I’ve found the perfect sight I think you might enjoy and simply wouldn’t want you to miss out before the weather changes. I’d like to discuss some things with you too so, two birds one stone?” Okay that does sound like a reasonable explanation. Maybe almost a little too reasonable now you think of it. You continue walking until you’re stopped in front of a door, Vex opens it and allows you to step in.

Immediately you see the late afternoon sun shine through the clouds, casting rays of golden light upon the landscape contrasting with the darkened grey of the rain ahead. It’s an absolutely beautiful sight. You enter the room walking up to the window as Vex steps in and closes the door behind her. You hear a grumble and a soft but forceful ‘shh’ behind you.

“Just my stomach. I’m afraid I haven’t had lunch yet. Would you like to enjoy some with me?” You turn around at the offer, seeing the table to the side set with lunch for two and a huge plate of fresh fish. A brown grizzly tries to nibble on the tail of one fish in an attempt to pull it off the plates without his momma noticing and is quickly scolded.

“Trinket! What did I say! Stay hidden!” Vex scolds the bear as you squeal making a break for the door but Vex is quicker and grabs you by the arms stroking your shoulders in a calming motion as Trinket growls in shame, for disappointing Vex and being tempted by the delicious fish.

“Let me go, Vex.” You almost beg and Vex offers you a sad smile.

“I’m afraid I can’t just yet. I wanted to ease you into this but as we’re a bit short on time, we’ll have to take this route. Now calm down, just breathe, in and out. That’s it.” You do as she says, Vex guiding you and preventing a mental breakdown of being face to face with your fear in an enclosed space. Her presence makes it a little better knowing she at least is able to control Trinket to an extend and you know he won’t attack you outright but doesn’t get rid of the fear.

“Now, are you alright to sit down or am I going to have to tie you up to prevent you from running? I’m not opposed to the latter but I think we’d both prefer better circumstances.” Vex jokes, or half jokes. You know her well enough for that. You nod and she guides you over to the table, sitting you down on one chair while taking the other next to you, rubbing circles in your back to keep some nerves at bay as trinket makes himself comfortable, laying down, eyes closed but occasionally peaking, pretending to be asleep, much akin to a young child having been told to go to bed.

“Shall we eat?” Vex gestures to the set table and you have to admit the food does look divine, maybe minus the plate of fish though. You look between her and Trinket. You can do this. You’ve been in the same space as Trinket plenty of times before. Granted, those times the spaces were much bigger and there were several people between you and the bear at all times.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I could do with some food.” Your voice shakes but Vex smiles anyway. Small steps are better than none at all. She half expected you to have made a break for the window. She took all the precautions and ‘fear-proofed’ the room just in case. Awkwardly you’re eating and if Vex has learned one thing from animals is they don’t eat when they really mistrust the company, so people can’t be much different right? Vex attempts small talk asking you about your day and such and while you replied you always keep an eye on Trinket not so successfully pretending to be a sleep even mustering a fake snore.

Halfway through Vex keeps staring at you absentmindedly playing with her food leaning her chin upon her enclosed fist. She’s got plenty of ideas running through her head but all are circumstantial. Maybe she’ll go for a hail Mary.

“Darling, do you trust me?” The question makes you look at her confused. Have you done anything to show that you don’t? You don’t think so.

“Of course I do. You’ve saved my life more than I can count. I trust you more than anyone.” You admit a bit wary of where this is going but it’s Vex and what you said is true.

“Could you close your eyes for me?” You look between her and Trinket biting your lip. You do trust Vex but within your own head a battle between that love and trust for her and your fear for the big fuzzy animal rages on. What are you supposed to do?

Vex sees your struggle and gets up from her seat. She gracefully walks around the table making sure your eyes stay focussed on her and kneels down in front of you. Taking both of your hands in hers she squeezes them softly and gives you a gentle comforting smile.

“I want you to know your trust is not misplaced so I’ll give you this.” Vex takes the necklace from her neck and puts it around yours.

“Now I want this back when we leave this room but for now you’re in control of it. Will you close your eyes for me?” She asks once more. Her expression says enough to let you know if you don’t want this you don’t have to and literally anything but closing your eyes will show her you’re not ready yet and that would be okay. There’s no shame in taking small steps or finding a different approach. She’d come to terms with that too but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t relieved and happy when you nodded and closed your eyes.

Darkness. That’s all you see, and the occasional movement of light outside bleeding through distorting that darkness from time to time. You’re hyper focused on your other senses and you’re unsure wether that be because of closing one sense off or because you’re practically shaking with fear awaiting for that fight or flight reaction to kick in. You smell the sweet fruit from your plate, the gentle kick of the fermented grape juice, and of course the slight saltiness of fresh fish. You hear a grumbled moan and the sound of paws-no sharp nails hitting the fine stone floor step by step almost drowned out by the soft whispers of encouragement of Vex.

Trinket, as quietly and carefully as he can makes his way over to you. Vex shushes him a couple of times and the bear loyalty obeys the commands, laying down at your side. Vex takes one of your hands and you jump a little when she does so she turns to rubbing circles in the back of it as she guides your hand away from your lap towards Trinket.

“You’re doing great.” Vex can feel the gentle shake of your hand but you don’t resist so very slowly she guides you towards Trinket until your fingers touch his fur. You breathe in sharply holding your breath upon contact and freeze up, waiting for something to happen, be that a sharp claw slashing out at you, teeth munching down on you, a roar in your face but none of these come. Even Trinket awaits in suspense for your responses, his bear senses giving him enough insight in your discomfort.

Once you’ve gotten a moment to adjust Vex takes her hand off yours watching both you and Trinket. You don’t dare open your eyes yet but in the back of your mind you hear words of encouragement. You’re doing great. You got this and before you know it your fingers glide, all be it a little rigid and awkwardly, through Trinket’s fur.

“Perfect, darling. You’re doing absolutely wonderful.” You nod afraid to speak and break the spell you definitely must be under with this newfound courage.

Vex couldn’t be more proud of you. When you walked in here she wasn’t even sure she could have you be in the same room as Trinket for more than ten minutes and now you’re petting the bear. She watches as you slowly peak through one eye and when you deem the coast clear open the other too watching in amazement.

“He’s so soft…” You breathe barely audible and Vex laughs. Trinket grumbles at the compliment making you pull away your hand and jump a little but when no repercussion comes you put it back and continue petting the bear, who begins purring softly almost akin to an oversized cat. You can still feel your heartbeat in your throat but this is going relatively okay until you begin seeing spots and you start feeling dizzy. Vex notices and pulls your hand away from Trinket offering you your glass.

“Maybe that’s enough for now? We’ll take it easy.” You nod and feel the nerves subside as Trinket returns to his comfy spot by the window. It may be best not to push your luck and drive yourself into a panic attack.

“Don’t worry, darling. Before you know it we’ll have you riding into battle on Trinket’s back. Won’t you like that Trinket?” She shouts over her shoulder to the bear who replies in a happy moan. Vex pours you another glass of wine after she watches the colour drain from your face. Let’s stick to small steps. But for now, the first ones have been taken. Besides, she can’t deny you’ll look absolutely marvellous riding into battle on her favourite Trinket.