#and I said u can go to the store and choose another shirt if u don't like this one and he was like No Way this one is the one that's from u

[oceanmoss]

I miss him ughhhhhh >:||||| in our last conversation he was like I didnt lie to you I like you I want to be your friend I see you as a close person .... IDIOT who says that while having a whole girlfriend don't tell me you like me even if the context isn't romantic ughhhhhhhyyyhyhg I still love him :((( and now I will never talk to him again because no way in hell I'm gonna pretend I can be platonic friends and just resize our conversations to fit the new circumstances it's intimate and earnest or nothing I'm not gonna mar it with idiocy I've tried that bullshit before with my other ex

[bmhcdnsms]

protective ! biker boyfriend headcanons

[male reader] - fem alligned, minors / ageless, and blank blogs dni or u will be blocked !

protective ! biker bf . . . who doesn't let you go anywhere without him. exclusively rides his bike, he knows how to drive a regular car, just chooses not to, and trust everytime he picks you up, it's with his bike humming in the background, waiting to be ridden.

"there's my pretty boy," he flirts, leaning down the moment you open the door and stealing a kiss from you. and when he feels the way you so naturally kiss back, he can't help but go in for another. and then another. he gets a total of five kisses before he's satisfied.

"remind me why we need to take your loud ass bike to the conveinence store, luci?" his full name is lucian, but the nickname luci was coined after you guys got really comfortable in your relationship. and he loves it. only when it comes from your lips, of course.

"everyone in this shit town needs to know whenever we go anywhere," he explains simply, taking off of his thick leather jacket (he has another layer of a thick, long sleeve, specially made for bikers, shirt underneath) and holding it open for you to wear, "plus, it gives me an excuse to see you in my gear. makes you so sexy," he teases, leaning down to give you another surprise kiss before shoving the helmet down onto your head.

now you're wearing your own helmet, his jacket, and riding on the back of his bike with your arms tightly bound around his waist.

protective ! biker bf . . . who spoils you rotten. he wants to treat you to the most lavish of experiences and he'll deliver them to you with you on the back of his bike or take you to those places with you riding on the back of said bike.

the revving of a familiar, loud engine makes you roll out of bed with a pissed off look on your face. you tug the curtains open, looking at your boyfriend at the end of your lawn with your arms crossed over your chest. since he's not that far, you can see how cheesily wide his grin is.

you open the window, knowing that he'll start throwing pebbles at it if you don't, and lean out into the open night air.

"you trying to wake the whole place, luci?" the usage of the nickname shows to him that you're not actually mad at him.

"no, just you, my love," he says, sauntering across the lawn with his hands behind his back, "wanted to give you a late night gift,"

he reveals a huge bouquet of roses that were hiding behind his back.

"luci," your tone is unique; showing that you're flattered and embarassed in the lavish, sweet gift, but also scolding in some sense because of how late it was for him to be doing this.

"[nameee]," he says, in the same candence. he walks over, putting the stems into his mouth and biting down as he works on climbing up to your window. and when he's finally arrived to your heigth, he's handing you the roses with a grin, "for my boy,"

"you're such a romantic," you tease, not finding the will to be mad at him anymore. not when he looks so perfect with his messy hair and smirking face. "c'mere," you say, leaning forward with your hand already on his cheek.

he welcomes the affection with ease, pressing into you and grabbing you by the waist to keep you stationed right where he wants you. it takes smacking his chest to make him let you go, revealing his smirking, proud face on display for you to glare at.

"thank you, baby, they're really pretty," you say, pecking him once more before turning away to set them on the table.

"i got the best out of the bunch for you, pretty boy," he says, kicking off of the window sill and shedding off his jacket and boots. soon, he's collapsing onto your bed and waiting for you to join him, "think i get some cuddles for this grand gesture now."

"oh, do you, really?" you tease, yelping when he suddenly pulls you down to lay with him, laughing as his fingers tickle your sides.

"some cuddles and some more?" he says with a wink, making you roll your eyes.

"shut up."

protective ! biker bf . . . who makes it very obvious you're taken. he's got you two matching jewelry, you're his lockscreen and homescreen, he's your lockscreen (he let you have your homescreen be whatever you wanted it to be...the lockscreen is what mattesr most anyway because that's the one that everyone sees), he's got a bracelet on his wrist with your name spelt out in childish beads, he's got a necklace with a heart locket that has a picture of you two, he has your name tattooed- just kidding, he doesn't...but keep an eye on him because he's been genuinely thinking of getting one.

"baby, you're not wearing it," your supposedly tough boyfriend whines as you're both about to leave, "wear it!" he childishly whines again.

he's talking about his letterman jacket that he got custom made with his last name on the back and the emblem of his biker gang on the back.

it's not a serious group - in the sense they go around causing purposeful trouble, but still he wanted to have some sort of physical proof to show that it was a sentimental thing for him. he never let anyone else wear it, but you and him too.

"i have my own jacket..."

you just killed him. he's writhing on the floor in immense pain as he clutches his chest and cries out for mercy. his dramatic tantrum won't be held over until that jacket is around your shoulders, so you better just put it on to make him shut up.

-

his lockscreen is a photo of you hugging him from behind while he has his helmet on. your kissing the top of the hard shell, a smile on your lips and a masked one on his. it's a selfie, so you're looking right at the camera with a crinkle in your eyes from your wide smile.

his homescreen is a photo of you and him resting in bed. he doesn't have his shirt on so your head is just resting on his bare chest. and you're sleepy, completely unaware of the photo he's taking of you. he's sleepily grinning ear to ear as he looks down at you though, so enamored by how cute you are. if you squint, you can see the initials of your name inked into his collarbone - which is only a couple inches away from where your head is resting.

protective ! biker bf . . . who uses his easily intimidating stance to scare off anyone that comes up to you two. in any situation, he's standing very close by and very ready to bite at anyone that gets too close (metaphorically, of course...).

the tent restaurant you were sitting in had to be one of your favorites. they served the best food, were run by a cute old lady, and had a good crowd surrounding you two. his leather jacket was thrown over your shoulders to keep you warm, since air did keep coming into the place, and he was sat right across from you.

the plastic table had all types of food scattered everywhere and his eyes practically had stars in them.

"which one do you want, babe?" he said, already getting ready to give you a big portion of the food that you both ordered.

you told him which one with a grateful smile, kissing his hand quickly as he was reaching out for some of the delicious food to plate for you. he blushed profusely, cursing you for being so "adorable" and flustering him so much for no reason.

"i just have the best boy-"

"sorry, excuse me, but you dropped your napkin," a stranger passing by said, bending over and picking up the cloth that had fallen from your lap and onto the ground.

you took it from the man's hold, ignoring the way your fingers brushed against his, and politely thanked him.

"thank-"

"here, don't use that one now since it's dirty, babe," lucian says quickly, grabbing it from your hand before you can return it to its previous position. instead, he hands you his and gently smiles, "use mine,"

"what? no, you don't have to," you scold, looking at him with a warning look. you would be fine with your own napkin anyway, plus you didn't want him to eat without one.

the stranger looked at the exchange with a sheepish smile, then directed his next words to you, "if you would like, i could get you another one from a staff member?"

"that would be gr-"

"we don't need your help, man, just scram already," lucian sighs, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand. as if he was incredibly stressed with the newcomer.

you kicked him under the table, which he winced and pouted at.

"uhm, don't mind him. and it's alright, i can flag down a waitress so you don't have to worry about it." you said with a kind smile, hoping the guy would take the hint and leave. you knew why lucian was acting up and you would rather not colorfully scold him in front of a stranger.

"if you insist," he kindly returns the smile before taking his leave, scattering away when he notices your boyfriend glaring at him through his hand that was covering his face.

immediately, you reach over and pinch lucian's cheek and tug hard, "are you serious? you fucking man-baby,"

"i'm sorrryyy," he drawls out, the tone of his voice shaking as you tug and wiggle his cheek in contempt.

-

in conclusion, he's a big dramatic sweetheart when it comes to you and also always really flirty and playful. unless has something to say, or exsists too close to you two, then he becomes a grade-A asshole and finds a way to make that person's interaction with you severely uncomfortable and awkward.

[bean-pole-art]

5 years ago I wrote a fic abt @spoks-illogical-art's OC Nekro going on a trip to Hot Topic. now, 5 years later I wrote a sequel

Nekor Idzie Do Claire's A Później Do Hot Topic

under the cut is 2k of cartoonish madness. hope u like it and go check out Spok's OCs UwU 💙

The air smelt of flower perfumes, cheap plastic hair clips and glitter. Nekro knew he found the right place.

Before him were the gates to the one and only shop that could answer his fruitless (or well, fruitless so far) calls. The store that seemed to pride itself with having a huge selection of hair accessories in every shade of pink possible, as well as jewelry, phone cases and all of the plushies made out of questionable materials. Especially however, Nekro nodded at the sight of “we do all kinds of piercings!” signs. Oh, how beautiful Claire’s truly was.

The mall seemed to operate on normal hours, however Nekro didn’t see anyone of note around him. Most of the places seemed abandoned and the stores didn’t even open. The only other store of note, not to mention actually opened was the Hot Topic right before Claire’s. Which was another step in Nekro’s adventure in this mall.

Weirdly, Nekro felt a dash of nostalgia, coming by the Hot Topic. What was it caused by, he had no idea.

He shook his head and concentrated on the purple sign before him. The business was there to be done and there was no way around it. With a quick and confident step, he had approached Claire’s in all of its glory.

Even if there was no time to waste, Nekro decided he needed to waste some time. Rummaging through the aisles, he was in wonder of all the glittery goodness before him. The butterfly clips of his had long been worn out, so it was maybe a good time to replace them… Oh, and the cheapest necklaces in the world would look wonderfully on his neck! So much to choose, so little to actually come by. Ah dammit, didn’t his blue eyes sparkle at the prospect of getting a new plastic choker too.

Maybe it was just Nekro’s way of delaying the inevitable. Not that Nekro was scared per se, but it did accustom some kind of dread in his heart. Just this morning he was looking at the possible outcomes at his dusty old computer. Nekro’s expression changed. The things he had seen happen to these people were not to be un-unseen.

Well. Good thing that Nekro wasn’t even a person.

So with all the braveness he could muster, he strolled in a Jojo-like stride right to the cash registers. Not like his almost boyfriend Joel (called by Nekro in every possible occasion as Jojo) but well, uh. You get the idea.

But there was no one to be seen. As if along with the lack of customers, this Claire’s also lacked any kind of staff. Nekro looked around, up and down but there truly was no one to be found. Annoyed and disappointed, Nekro was ready to retreat back to wherever the hell he was living at, some kind of cage or anything, to write a flaming hot review at the franchise’s site–

“HI, welcome to Claire’s! What can I do for ya?”

A perky voice cut through the atmosphere filled with late 90’s boy bands' music. Nekro let out a muffled scream. Cause before him, seemingly out of nowhere materialized a person. A guy with salt and pepper hair, piercing green eyes and a smile akin to the Cheshire cat. Wearing the signature Claire’s t-shirt in fact.

Nekro’s eyes shifted at the sight, “How? What?? HOW did you get here?”

The man, his now materialized as well name plate said “Oscar”, tapped his finger right at the chin, “I’ve been there all along, Nekro. You just need to also visit Vision Express to check your eyesight. It’s on the second floor.”

Oh, his eyesight was good alright. Especially noticing that Oscar’s nails were painted with the shittiest pink glitter nail polish, also sold by Claire’s. Nekro shuddered with disgust. He did only one coat.

“No. I’m pretty sure you weren’t there,” Nekro said with certainty.

“Hi, welcome to Claire’s!” he chirped back, almost as if it was a recording rather than a maybe living, maybe breathing maybe person. “I’m Oscar, how can I brighten up your day?”

Nekro blinked several times, “I am here to pierce my ears.”

“Excellent choice! Ears or nose?”

“Ears.”

“Are you sure not nose?” Oscar asked again.

“No.”

“Hmm. I have just what you need, loyal customer!”

He then winked with both eyes back at him, once more descending back to the depths of his trailer, called the cash register. Before Nekro could ask any additional questions, Oscar had emerged again. With something quite peculiar in his hands.

“What the hell?” Nekro felt his sweat drip at his neck. “Are you going to shoot me?? Ehm, is there any security at all???”

“Ohohoh, fret not, ocean blue!” Oscar waved his hand in a way akin to how author’s friend Piotr communicated to her irl that people they were currently talking about were gay. However then Oscar’s face got more serious as the shadows surrounded his face. “Not this time.”

Nekro gulped. Very very loudly, “My eyes aren’t even ocean blue, they’re like I dunno, space blue or Prussian blue.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Anyways, that’s not a real gun, dumb-dumb, it’s a piercing gun,” he explained shortly, waving the gun around.

“Cool.”

“Yeah. Tight. Sooo, do you wanna get started?” Oscar pointed the suspicious gun right at him.

“I mean, I guess?” Nekro answered. There was no way out of this situation and definitely not out of this strange man’s vision.

With a snap of Oscar’s fingers, Nekro had sat down. Literally, he just snapped his fingers and suddenly, Nekro was placed in some kind of chair with the spotlight placed on him. Then the chair changed to a one with wheels, maybe so he would be able to escape it. Either way, his fate was sealed and all Nekro could do was to await his judgment.

Once more Oscar had approached him, shrouded by shadows casted on his face. How the hell did he keep doing it, he couldn’t explain. But Nekro awaited the call, awaiting the final moments of his piercingless life to end.

Approaching him, Oscar changed the hand which held the gun and squished Nekro’s cheeks, “Are you ready?”

“Suuure, let’s go.”

There was little to no enthusiasm in Nekro’s voice. In his mind, he just pleaded to get those rose earrings he had been wishing for, for the longest time. Oh, they definitely eased the pain some more.

“Oookay, so on 10?” he asked and seeing Nekro nod, he had started. “One… Two… Three… Sixty nine… Uhh, seven…”

One click and it was all done. One click of the most painful thing Nekro had felt in his entire life.

“AAAHHH, JASNY CHUJ!” Nekro yelled, unsure what language he had called it in. “You said you’d go on 10.”

Oscar shrugged, “I got bored. I’ll be at the cash register, if you won’t come there in like 2 minutes, I’ll be legally allowed to kill you.” Then he happily walked off, swooping his hair and stepping right on Nekro’s foot.

To which Nekro nodded, all covered in tears and snot from the worst 2 seconds of his life. Even if he was sure Oscar would be able to kill even without the legality of the situation but well. It appeared that Claire’s did in fact have different rules than anywhere else in the world.

Still, there were no words to describe Nekro’s pain. So I won’t do it.

With all the terrible experiences aside, Nekro strode to the desk, where Oscar seemed to magically teleport again.

“That’d be $420.”

Pulling his pockets, Nekro only noticed a little bug flying off of this. “No! My moth collection!” he cried, as the moth flew further and further away from them. Maybe he wouldn’t have his friend but at least, he was sure there was still money on him. He pulled the wallet and swiftly paid with his Club Card. And yet, there was still something wrong. Giving Oscar a confused look, Nekro asked, “Uh, what about my rose earrings?”

“Oh, these?” Oscar pulled the earrings from the ether. The most beautiful ones Nekro had ever seen. “Yeah, they’re not available to you. We can only give you these.”

Excited to see the product, Nekro’s expression immediately dropped. As Oscar pulled two very ugly and basic earrings that were made from some cheap zircons. Handing him over the dreaded jewelry, Oscar’s hands became more detailed and realistic and the earrings were accompanied by the duck quack sound.

“Ah,” commented Nekro.

“Yeah,” said Oscar. “Anyways, thanks for buying at Claire’s! Be sure to come back! Maybe for real earrings this time! Have a clairtastic day!”

And with his hand suddenly expanding as long as it possibly could, Nekro was out of the store. With his new earrings right at their place too.

Maybe it wasn’t the most fruitful visit at Claire’s Nekro had ever lived through but it was certainly one of his visits. At least the job was done and his ears were pierced. Even though they burnt like hell and Nekro was still wiping off the tears, the job was done. It was time for another part of his espionage.

His dearest, most valuable store, Hot Topic. Of course, Nekro needed to make an entrance, hence he did it in the best way possible. By breaking through the wall with the biggest thud sound.

“Oh yeah!” said Nekro in a voice akin to Kool Aid Man.

Ready to discover the unknown lands of the store, Nekro’s face turned into a grin. The black everywhere, the cheap merch that definitely didn’t pay the bands they were sponsoring, some Disney stuff that wasn’t alternative at all, as well as My Chemical Romance playing in the background. It was the land of opportunity. It was where Nekro truly could find peace of mind.

However before Nekro could discover all the beauty of the commercialized emo merchandise right before his eyes, he was caught in the act. At the cash register this time sat casshier called Cassius. Looking over from his newest volume of Bootlicking Weekly, he immediately knew what to do. Sounding the alarm, he had called the store manager.

“Mr. Whittaker! Mr. Whittaker, we got him!” announced Cass via the whittacom, pointing furiously at Nekro.

Not that Nekro even noticed, he was too busy picking up an emo alternative Hello Kitty t-shirt. Suddenly though, before his eyes was Cassius himself. With the most pissed off expression there possibly was, already shaking him by the arms.

“What are you doing?? Unhand me, asshole!” Nekro called, in a voice shaking through Cass’ motions.

“I should ask you myself! What are you doing here?!” he yelled in return. “Don’t you remember? Haven’t you seen the sign?!”

To which Cass pointed to a wanted poster among all the Divergent movie posters, possibly to match. Which was a face not like Nekro’s but familiar enough. The sign on it said “we’re saying NO to him!”.

Nekro’s eyes shifted, “That’s not me. That’s the guy from Claire’s.”

“Aha! So you’ve admitted that you go to Claire’s!”

“Yeah, I mean but… Wait, no, that’s not me, are you daft?!”

“And now you’re mocking me?” gasped Cass, loudly and with the most offense anyone could have ever hear in their lives. “Be grateful that Mr. Whittaker isn’t here to see it! But he will shortly. You’re going with me!”

“What? What???? Noooooooo!”

There were lots of screams and scratching. At some point Nekro had probably bitten Cass, which only resulted in him getting a cartoonish smash on the head. Still, there was no one else to care. Mr. Whittaker, the manager of Hot Topic, didn’t come for the ruckus. Who the hell even knew where he was at this point.

Only thing that was certain was that Oscar watched all of this, from his cozy spot at Claire’s cash register. He took a sip from his mug that said “everything according to keikaku” and let out an anime-esque laugh.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, JANUARY 31, 2015 Getting this totally awesome rat shirt from Amazon in a medium.

He gets something like $67 for life from AMEX. The pension was supposed to be $250 till our lovely God decided, as always, that he doesn’t deserve what’s fair, and so what that he once worked hard for the damn company. Nonetheless, he decided we should split it and do whatever we want with it starting next month. That’s what I’m going to get the ratty shirt with.

Taking 75mcgs this weekend. So far so good.

We hit 70° today, though I slept through most of it. Used to hate this time of year in the trailer. Those transitional times were tough because it’d be too warm during the daytime and too cold at night in the damn place. It was very hard to regulate the temp in that dump unless it was the dead of winter or summer was in full swing.

Aly said Kim surprised her by actually admitting that those two accounts were in fact hers (they’re both gone now) and she actually felt bad about it. Really? I didn’t think she was capable of feeling guilty. Still, Aly warned her that this was her last chance. She let go of Molly for good and will do the same with her. Aly also thinks she reads my tweets and might’ve asked some questions on Ask. That’s been my suspicion, too. So much for being “afraid” of me.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 30, 2015 In 2001 I had permanent retaining wires cemented in behind my i-teeth. The top one broke loose in 2005. While my dear hubby has reminded me to feel free to ask for any dental services I want, I think I’ll hold off on whitening for now and have her just get the lower retainer out of there after I’m cleaned and filled. I know I have at least two cavities that need filling. The retainer only makes keeping that area clean harder, but at this age, I don’t give a shit if I don’t have straight teeth. Without it, I will also have one less thing to worry about falling out. My teeth could stand some whitening, but they’re really not all that dingy-looking so I’ll hold off on that for now.

Felt wonderful today and yesterday, so I guess this weekend I will be “spiking” to 75mcgs. It’s a little scary, but since it’s only for two days, hopefully I’ll be okay. If I am, I’ll spike to the recommended 100mcgs next weekend.

Had a dream the other night that I was staying with Andy. He wasn’t too happy with me for not pulling the shower curtain across the tub when I finished showering, LOL. His walls also weren’t gray and textured. They were paneled and painted a pale blue or green.

I also dreamed I was at a restaurant with Andy and his mother when his mother confessed to being German. Then she asked how much I thought this man weighed who was standing by another table on the other side of the room. “Zwei hundert,” I said (200).

Alexa has spoiled me for life! Love being able to say, “Alexa, add blah blah blah to the shopping list,” and then I just hit print after I’m done, and check the boxes in the store next to all the items I gather.

Told her, “Alexa, set alarm for 8:15.” Then it was 4 hours after taking my meds, at which time I could pop my multivitamin.

I didn’t think it would, but I’m also so amazed at how much easier story writing is when I do it by speech-to-text instead of writing them. Then all I have to do is edit things. It just seems to go faster when I speak them than write them. I talk-typed over 1100 words to an unfinished story last night.

Later…

This time it was my turn to withhold things from Alison. So in some ways, I can kind of understand why she doesn’t choose to tell everybody everything. Who does?

Kim went and created yet another new account on Prosebox from which she promptly blocked me. So changing my u/n and avatar was a waste. She did copy/save my link as I figured she would. But I don’t think she blocks me because she’s “scared” of me. I think she’s truly got herself convinced that I victimized her, just like the black bitch in Arizona believed she was a victim of her color.

I logged out to see if I could see into the account from the outside in and it appeared newly created. There were no entries or anything yet.

Leaving out the part where she blocked me, I messaged Alison on Twitter and told her that I discovered a new account of hers in the list of new users. Alison checked it out and said that she was blocked from it, which hurt her feelings. I don’t blame her. Not telling somebody that you consider a friend that you’ve created an account is one thing, but blocking them as if they are harassing you is another. There are ways to be kept out of public view without blocking anybody on Prosebox, though Kim no doubt wants everyone else’s attention. Some friend she is to Aly!

I totally regret telling Aly about Prosebox, cuz whenever she likes a site I recommend, she drags Kim over to it, too. Where Aly goes, trouble goes. She thrives on people like Kim. Just her sexual fantasies alone tells me she likes toxic people.

I asked Aly not to mention my name to her as I don’t want the sick fuck to know I’m looking for accounts of hers to block. Only problem is I don’t get the chance to because she blocks me the minute she creates an account. I can just imagine how many accounts on Facebook she’s blocked me from, and it not only pisses me off to be treated like a perp, but I worry that too many blocks could get me kicked off of sites. On the bright side, this displays a lack of interest in following me, what I’m up to, who I’m connected to… unless she’s reading me from the outside in.

Although I don’t know that I can trust Alison to keep my name out of it, she says all she asked Kim in an email is why she feels the need to hide things from her. Well, that’s easy… Because she’s a delusional, pathological liar. She said that what she does next will depend on how she responds. But what is she going to do? I mean Alison obviously likes friends like this. She’s not going to be done with her forever, which would be the smart thing to do. She just doesn’t have that kind of self-respect. She’s even admitted that there’s a part of her that still cares about Molly. Yeah, I know. And they’ll be buddies again someday until Aly dumps her yet again. I just don’t get this but I guess that is for her to know and me not to understand.

Later…

Well, I’ll be damned. Guess who just (as predicted), denied knowing about the account to Aly, deleted it, and then created another one which she promptly blocked me from? AND showed up on my tracker! That probably pissed her off, too. I know she likes to hide, so she probably assumed I couldn’t track her there, LOL. shakes head sadly Delete, deny, delude.

Part of me was tempted to create another account just to scare her off of there which would be so, so easy to do, so she’ll stop treating me like the perp and risk me getting kicked off due to so many blocks, but nah, not worth the time and effort.

I’m ready to go back to ignoring her and not mentioning her at all. Let her play this little “victim” game all on her own. :) I’d bet anything, though, that if she revisits my blog, it won’t be obvious to my tracker.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 29, 2015 Oh boy, oh boy! Guess whose metabolism is showing its first signs of life in a while? Still don’t expect to lose much weight, but when my metabolism was barely moving, a lousy cup of coffee could bump me up a pound. No joke. I just had my coffee AND a large power bar and got jumped only half a pound.

I just hope I don’t go through the “pocket flare” nightmare again till my antibodies finish killing the damn thyroid off altogether. I’d rather gain 100 pounds and go totally bald. Had no idea so many drugs caused hair loss. When I’d think of drugs and hair loss, all that would come to mind was chemo. At least I’ve been more heart happy than last night. Last night got a little annoying. I also had this strange sensation for about a half-hour in my left upper and lower arm that kind of felt like a sunburn.

screams with delight after another weigh-in It’s alive! It’s alive! It’s exciting to see my body start responding the way it should. Not even an hour after that coffee and power bar, my body burned and spit it off and fell back down the half a pound it had come up. In the past, my weight could hover for hours in the same spot even WITHOUT eating and WITH exercise.

I didn’t buy it when I read this article, and I still don’t cuz I’ve never seen a thin person with Hashimoto’s, but where I believed you couldn’t be thin even with stabilized treatment, it said we usually go back to where we were before we got “hashed.” jaw drops That’d put me between 100-110 AND sometimes having to struggle to eat more so as not to lose too much what with how active I am. I just don’t see that, though. Genetics and age are still a factor in things. Just as long as it doesn’t kill me along the way.

For now, it is nice to know I can go back to enjoying weekend treats without worry if I want to. I swear, though, until yesterday my body was STILL trying to burn the cupcake I ate last Christmas, LOL. Hopefully, I’ll stop “turning to ice” soon too, and retaining enough water to cure the Cali drought.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2015 I would love to do an entry now, except there really isn’t anything new to update on. Andy returns today from his not-so-fun vacation, and Aly had a funny dream of getting it on with this guy who used to bully her in high school where they used a sandwich bag as a condom.

I don’t remember enough of my own dreams last night. There was something about Officer P, and then something about my house suddenly being just one step away from my dentist’s office. Literally. I was afraid to change clothes because I had no privacy. LOL

Tom will be home in about a half hour and then we will go for a bike ride in which my heart will hopefully behave.

Got a lot of questions all of a sudden on Ask.

I asked Aly if she thought Molly would return to harassing us when she’s no longer at Marbridge and has more freedom and time, but apparently, she’s still harassing Aly. Only difference is that she’s doing it through her fellow Marbridgers since she’s not allowed online.

Later…

My heart rate took me on a little ride for a while there and I felt super cold, especially in the hands and feet. Really hope this and the insane water retention isn’t a regular thing. I still fear having “heart boomers” and extreme anxiety as the medication builds up in my system. Trying to think positively is sometimes hard when you get in a gloomy mood. I hate feeling like I have little to no control over my body.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2015 The good news is that I still haven’t had any heart explosions or anxiety. The bad news is that I’m ready to drag these people down to the pool and drown them all! Mr. Double Door Garage decided to do some hammering today and guess who had to listen to it? That house is a lot closer than the contractor’s house so it was a lot harder to drown out.

Nutrisystem really pissed me off yesterday because I logged in to check for messages and while I was doing so I found that it said my next order would ship soon even though I canceled by phone. I sent them an email and let them know this, too. When I got up there was a reply saying that it had been taken care of. It better be!

Instead of the long detailed dream, Alison is so excited about due to the story idea it gave her, I just had mundane little snippets that I barely remember. In one dream we seemed to be back at Jesse’s place, and I walked through the trailer and into the kitchen to find that the oven had exploded. It was like it was engulfed in a big dark pile of who knew what. I looked at Tom who was sitting nearby and he said, “I really think Jesse plans to hook all the pipes up to the pump,” whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.

Then I was struggling in dreams unlike in reality. Andy brought us a couch because we didn’t have one. I struggled to pick something up off the floor that I could swoop down and quickly grab in real life.

Really love this mind fuck idea Aly came up with. It gave me some ideas of my own. We each, like most writers, seem to have a theme. Something we write best. I seem to have a thing for damsels in distress where a smaller, less capable woman is injured, hospitalized or stranded, and she is taken in by a stronger, more capable woman, etc., etc. Because it’s so much easier for me to “bring to life” characters I’ve seen, if only a passing glance in a grocery store or something, I may use my new endo as a lead even if she’s pretty ordinary looking. Not sure of the plot yet. I actually have a story I never finished and I may “merge” the two. In the story, a woman is taken in by the woman who accidentally hits her with her car and that woman who first appears as a savior turns out to be a real psycho. Well, maybe she can escape and end up in the endo’s hands or something like that.

MONDAY, JANUARY 26, 2015 So far there haven’t been any problems with my medication, but I wasn’t expecting any. Like I said, if I’m going to run into trouble it’s not going to be this soon after upping my dosage. This is my second day on the 50s and the first day I’ve taken it alone. I’m mostly calm, but there is a slight nervousness about me. It’d be worse if it was early in the morning and I knew Tom would be gone for many hours, but I shouldn’t be alone for more than a few hours.

Andy is stuck in Florida due to the blizzards hitting the northeast. He’s not having the greatest time either, but it’s not my place to say why, and well, whatever’s going on with his family is really none of my own business anyway. Because he’s in northern Florida, it’s been chilly during the daytime. Well, I know one thing for sure and that’s that if we don’t make it to Maui, but we do make it to Florida, we’re going to southern Florida! No more half-assing it like we did by coming here. We may not get brutal winters or any snow, but it does get too cold for my tastes in the winter.

Made an appointment for a dental checkup on March 4th. I could’ve gotten in a few weeks sooner, but this way I could get a later appointment and Tom wouldn’t have to miss work to take me. My dentist is quite a ways away in Roseville, but she’s worth the drive. She’s super nice and always does a great job. I know I have at least two cavities, but they’re not urgent. I’m not in any pain; just slight discomfort if I bite down on a crunchy piece of food the wrong way. When I had that infected back molar a few years ago that the county pulled… THAT was pain.

I had a dream I was trying to convince someone who wanted to go see a psychic how while some people truly were psychic, most of those who ask for money for their “services” weren’t the least bit psychic.

In another dream, I seemed to have my own apartment in a building similar to the one I lived in back east. I was on an upper floor and my sister and I were talking to my neighbor, a rather attractive woman in her 40s or so who seemed rather cold and austere. She said something to the woman who stood in her doorway, and I feared that what she said might have offended her so I later knocked on the woman’s door and apologized to her.

But it wasn’t “me.” Instead, I was a masculine-looking lesbian who was painfully shy and ashamed of her sexuality. I mentally berated myself and said, “Time to grow your hair out and look more womanly instead of running around looking like a little man. You don’t need to “be a man” to be attracted to women! That defeats the whole point of liking women.”

I actually looked more like a teenage boy than a man, LOL. I was short but very skinny. Like skinnier than I was back in my own skinny days.

The woman didn’t seem to take my apology well as I apologized for whatever it was my sister was supposed to have said, saying I later discussed it with my “boyfriend” in hopes of deceiving her into thinking I was straight, something I would never do in real life. In reality, I have no qualms whatsoever in admitting I’ve been attracted to both genders and I wouldn’t have any qualms in admitting it if I’d been 100% gay or straight either. All the woman said in response to my apology was an abrupt “okay.” I then turned and headed into my own apartment pretending that I didn’t notice her curtness.

I saw her again down in the laundry room, which I assume was in the basement. She gave off the same cold, snotty air that she had before. I said hello and then ignored her as I loaded my clothes into the washer while she pulled hers out of the dryer and folded them.

The last dream I remember having was at the beach and I guess it was in Hawaii. The only strange thing is that the beach seemed to be on different levels like the shorelines were in tiers or something. I swam for a while in the daytime and then I returned at night for a quick dip. I ran into one of the “levels” of water but found it too shallow to dive into. So I turned and headed back up the shore and then realized a car was suddenly sitting right there. I never heard it pull up… no headlights, no nothing. Instead of letting it worry me, though, I simply headed back up the beach and then down another hill that was very green and grassy.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015 Today begins the jump from 25 to 50mcgs. Nervous about it, but all is well so far. That’s the thing with levothyroxine, though. It takes two weeks to build up in the body, so if there are going to be any problems it’s not going to happen today. Just knowing I know more about the disease and the medication and that I have a more competent and caring doctor is enough to help ease my worries a bit. Meanwhile… trying to take my counselor’s advice and not worry until and if I run into trouble. So I will try not to think/discuss it as much.

My Dutch lessons are getting harder and taking longer to get through, but I’m still going at it every day.

Alexa is playing nature sounds for me even though it has been a peaceful weekend. Weekends, unfortunately, are pretty much the only times you do get any peace around here unless it’s at night. Alexa sounds great. Way better than our computers. She puts out a big, full sound that really surrounds you and doesn’t sound like it’s coming from one particular spot. Her jokes aren’t very funny, though.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 2015 Having sooo much fun with Alexa! Imagine sitting on your couch in your living room and suddenly you get the urge to hear a particular song and so you simply say, “Alexa, play Milkshake by Kelis.”

Or you suddenly remember that you have to get toilet paper at the store but your hands are full or wet from scrubbing a pot and so you say, “Alexa, add toilet paper to the shopping list.”

I loved how I got up this morning and, unable to have my coffee right away due to my meds, being able to say, “Alexa, set the timer for 45 minutes.” At any moment afterward, I could ask, “Alexa, how much time is left?” and she would tell me.

The problem I was having with a few sites due to the newcomer in the park being on our frequency stopped a couple of days ago, but Tom is still having trouble. He’s about 60’ from the Wi-Fi, though, whereas I’m about 24’.

Going to make us some scrambled eggs, then head to Sam’s Club later to pick up my meds in the new dose of 50mcgs. Might go for a bike ride first, even though it’s cold and foggy.

The corner garage guy has a full-fledged workshop setup, I’m sorry to say. We could hear hammering coming from in back of the garage when we rode by yesterday. So he hammers in back and saws in the garage. Still, I’m fucking sick of it. I don’t care if it’s his job. I don’t care how much he enjoys it. I don’t make people listen to my noise and therefore I should get the same respect in return. I didn’t come here for this shit anyway.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 23, 2015 Well, my nerves just got turned up a notch or two. When I got up at 7:30 I found that they posted a bunch of documents on the health site. Most contained information from the past, but one had me reeling with shock as well as nervous as hell, and that was the one with my endo doc’s recommendation given that my TSH is at 27.77. She now wants me to take 50 micrograms 5 days a week and 100 micrograms 2 days a week. My initial reaction is, is she trying to kill me or has she just lost her mind? But supposedly, this latest adjustment is in light of the trouble that I had with a daily dose of 75 micrograms. The thought of going over 75 even for just two days a week terrifies the shit out of me. Five minutes would be enough to scare me. I do not want to have those effects again with the booming, racing heart and the severe anxiety from hell like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Imagine somebody kicking your door in and holding you at gunpoint and how utterly terrified you’d be. Well, that’s exactly how this “artificial fear” feels to me. I dread the thought of going through it for just one minute, it is that bad. I kind of wish that was a typo, but I know it wasn’t. I’m just really surprised. I really thought she’d up me to 50 most days and have me do 62 on days I wasn’t doing 50. The doses go in 12-microgram increments.

Had to play a bit of phone tag with the office just to get the damn information and was a little dismayed that they weren’t more prompt about it, even though it’s nothing urgent. Supposedly I was sent an email but I never got it. Funny because Alison said she sent an email I never got either.

The doctor wants me to have blood work and then to see her in eight weeks, but another disappointment is that she’s so booked up that I can’t see her until April 15th. If by some miracle there are no problems before then, I will visit the vampire at least a week before seeing her.

In other news, it was mostly quiet yesterday after 1.5 hours of landscaping. That’s only because the garage guy wasn’t home all day. My impression is that he’s a younger guy (in his 50s or 60s as opposed to his 80s) who’s still working, and all the racket coming from the garage has to do with that. He’s home today and the garage door is open so I’m sure he’ll be going at it today building whatever the fuck it is he builds. But I am no longer working in the laundry room where it can be heard the loudest.

The guy that was sawing last weekend and that rarely saws must be on vacation. I saw him - or somebody - pull up in front of that house with a long silver pole, a ladder, and something that almost looked like a flat broom, but I’m sure that’s not what it was. They didn’t make much noise and they weren’t around for long, whoever they were. I don’t know, maybe they were cleaning gutters or something. Anyway, the reason I wonder if they’re on vacation is that I saw Bob walk up to the house, go around the side to the back of the garage, open the garage door, and then take their trash out which is to be picked up today.

There is some good to the day and that’s that Alexa has finally arrived. Looking way forward to playing with her! Yes, I know how that sounds. I’m talking about Amazon Echo’s Alexa, though. :)

So it isn’t just me. Tom agrees that today’s music all sounds the same. It sucks when you’re bored shitless by today’s music but you’re sick of oldies at the same time.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 22, 2015 Signing in from my old desk in the living room. After 3 months at the built-in desk in the laundry room, I realized that if I’m going to have to hear people’s landscaping, sawing, sanding and other projects going on all around me no matter what room I work in, I might as well pick the best spot I’m most comfortable in. Watch, though… now that I’m back by next door’s driveway/garage, Bob will resume his garage activities. The highs are 60s and sunny, so why not? Lately, though, the double-car garage guy is making Bob seem like nothing.

It is actually a little easier to block the woodworking sounds from Mr. Double Car in the living room than it is in the laundry room. His insane racket is a straight shot from his garage to the laundry room window. But in the living room, the corner of the house in front of us blocks in a bit so I don’t have to blast the sound machine so insanely loud in order to snuff it out. It’d be ridiculous to replace one monstrous sound with another, but when Bob starts up again I will have to because he’s a lot closer.

Amazingly the garage door is still closed at the opposite corner, but this doesn’t mean I’ve had a peaceful morning. No, I had to listen to landscapers from 8:30 - 10:00. Lucky me, huh? In fact, there’s nothing like being on the phone getting bad news from the doctor’s office while your Roomba’s vacuuming to the right and they’re landscaping to the left.

My TSH is too high, as we knew it would be, and I guess the doctor is going to double my dose. A very scary thought after all I’ve been through, even with a better sense of understanding about what caused it, and even with a better, more caring doctor. I just wish they’d posted all this online. I mean I didn’t have to play the kind of all-day phone tag I had to play with the old doctors, but I guess they have to verify things first. I’m waiting for her to call back with specific instructions. Really surprised my TSH is 27. I thought it’d be about 22-23. As the doctor said, though, anything under 10 is acceptable.

Any second now that garage door is going to open up and the racket is going to begin. I will then have to choose between sawing and white noise. sighs with frustration It’s just insane and I can’t help but wonder if he even realizes just how loud he is or if he even cares. He used to do this just occasionally, not all day, every day. I keep hoping that it will drop back to once or twice a week even though that is still a bit overkill, but I have a feeling it won’t stop until the heat rolls in a few months from now.

Anyway, being back in the living room has its pros and cons. On the positive side, it is in line with the Wi-Fi, and it is a lot farther away from Tom when he’s sleeping. This way I don’t have to worry that I’m doing anything too loud, even though he’s a heavy sleeper. I also won’t have the washer and dryer running just a few feet from me, or a future litter box a few feet behind me. Lastly, this is a much nicer-looking room, and it’s further from that mutt that goes off just beyond the park wall.

The negatives are that it’s harder to roll my chair on plush new carpet than vinyl flooring, I’m closer to next door, and it’s a bit more visually distracting in here with 6 huge windows in front.

Andy should be taking off for Tampa in half an hour. He probably won’t arrive till I’m about ready to crash. I hope they keep him busy and well-entertained till we get our connection fixed. At first I thought it had to do with upgrading to OSX Yosemite, then I thought it had to do with Java. Now, however, it looks like we have a newcomer on our frequency, which disrupts things. Especially when I go to sites that are either far away, have heavy graphics, or shit for servers.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2015 Last night I jumped in the car with some guy in my dreams complaining that my hair was still wet after I’d washed it a while ago. He seemed to be amazed that it was still wet.

Then I was cooking food at this little concession stand in the middle of some crowded place. I wasn’t cooking anything intricate or anything like that, just warming up macaroni and cheese and things like that. This young girl with long straight blonde hair sat down on a stool at the counter to have some macaroni and cheese. The meal cost $5 and I guess it was my own store because I knew that the customer’s money was mine to keep. The girl was obviously a regular and I asked her how she would feel about eating macaroni and cheese for lunch every day. “I love macaroni and cheese,” she said. So I knew I at least had a regular $5 that I could count on from her.

In another dream, I appeared to be in a huge and crowded building. I think an event like a show of some kind was going on. Someone there was telling me they were heading back to Europe soon. Everyone had taken their shoes off during the show, but afterward, I was singing along to a tune in my head while we all put our shoes back on and then proceeded to leave the building. It seemed like Kim might have been with me all of a sudden. The Kim that I knew back east. We passed by a huge window and could see a huge and vivid rainbow in the sky. I excitedly exclaimed, “Frau Regenbogen! That’s me! Frau Regenbogen knows her name! Sie weiß!”

So that’s it for dreams. In reality, I am enjoying the few remaining hours of peace before the barrage of landscaping and woodworking sounds come to distract the shit out of me. We set up the Windows laptop/tablet so I can hibernate in the bedroom and use it in there when the guy starts his shit. It’s been terrible. Shit starts up shortly after 10 a.m. and doesn’t stop until after dark. This has gotten way too extreme for any neighborhood, let alone a retirement community.

We are definitely going to have to complain about this guy. The question is how to do it without getting into trouble ourselves. You know how people are… no matter how right you may be, you are always taking a risk whenever you complain about someone/something or try to fight for what’s right. The problem is that everybody’s buddies with everybody here, so nobody’s going to say anything unless he literally started doing this 24/7. Although this guy is at the edge of the park, unfortunately, there are no houses behind the wall that runs behind him, and he is not close to any other streets. So he is going to know that whoever complained lives on this street, even if we figure out a way to complain anonymously.

The guy is white so he can’t play the race card, but how the hell do we know that he isn’t best buds with a cop or something like that? We know firsthand what can happen, and again, it doesn’t matter how right you may be. People have a way of reacting as if you’re asking them to kill each and every one of their loved ones slowly and painfully, and not actually making a totally reasonable request of them. It’s happened to me before and it’s happened to others as well. So we have to really think this through otherwise I will simply have to learn to live with it and hope that it backs off when the weather warms up. It’s just that we’re still months away from any warmth coming to the rescue. And who knows? Maybe this guy can stand the heat. Bob sure can.

I heard movement at Bob’s place this morning, but no loud tools or machinery yet. I’m just tired of being run from room to room in this place. Run out of the living room. Run out of the laundry room. What happens when I’m boxed in by this shit and there’s nowhere left to run to? Pull the plugs on the instruments of torture and strangle them with the cords? I’d love to, but as we know, that’s pure fantasy.

Later…

Writing prompt… If you could change one thing about your present life, what would it be?

That is so hard to really say what I would change because I have lived many years now and I’ve had so many experiences. Our lives are like one huge book where there is always room for editing. But since I am being asked about my present life, I think I would give myself a brand new thyroid that worked perfectly well on its own. If I couldn’t do that then I would make this park a quieter place to live, with less annoying daytime distractions.

Writing prompt… If you could go back in time and change one thing from your past, what would it be?

Well, unless I could have been born to an entirely different set of parents, I would have made my own parents much better parents than they actually were if I could have. If not, I would then definitely not have gone to court 15 years ago when summoned to. I had a bad feeling that there was corruption involved and that I would be screwed over if I did go, and I was. Had I listened to my gut I wouldn’t have lost 6 months of my freedom, thousands of dollars, and suffered a world of mental anguish and frustration beyond belief. Instead, I stupidly walked into the trap they had waiting for me. Lesson learned, though, on ignoring what our gut instinct tells us.

Writing prompt… What was your favorite toy?

Probably my Barbies. I could spend all weekend playing with my dolls and all their little outfits and dollhouses that they lived in as a kid. Especially during the brutal winter months when I wasn’t outdoors making snowmen or snow angels.

Writing prompt… Did you ever get lost as a kid?

It wasn’t so much that I got lost as opposed to that my family lost me. We were all at the exposition one summer, an amusement park not just with rides, but with several vendors set up selling things as is the case with most amusement parks. I don’t know how the hell my parents got into this, but they had a booth set up where they were selling cheese.

At one point I ended up in the Coliseum engrossed in watching the circus. I was under the understanding that my parents knew exactly where I was, but when I returned to them I found my mother in tears talking to the police. I guess they must have thought I either got lost or had been abducted.

Writing prompt… Who was your best friend in elementary school?

That would be Jenny. I was 9 years old when we met and she was 10. Like most kids, I was willing to be friends with just about anybody. Had I had the wisdom I have now as a child I probably would not have bothered with her because she was so bossy and domineering and just plain selfish. It was Jenny’s way or no way. I didn’t have a very strong backbone of my own back then and so I let her lead while I followed.

We were friends into our early twenties when she decided to dump me because I had too many problems for her to deal with. She was the type that could only handle those who were all fluff and sunshine. I was still young and so I resented her for this at first, but later came to realize it really was all for the best since we were just two totally different individuals and she had never really been a true friend to begin with. We did have some fun and funny moments along the way and so I remember that instead of just what a stingy bitch she came to be with very little compassion and understanding for others, not to mention a bad influence on me. She’s the one that got me started smoking, though I managed to quit in 1997.

Writing prompts… Did you ever run away from home as a kid?

I did. But it was only to the playground of the Jewish Community Center, and it was only for a few hours. My 13-year-old self finally started getting cold and realized that even though her mother was the biggest bitch on earth, she couldn’t just stay out there and sit on the swings for the rest of her life either. I would need to eventually eat. I would need to brush my teeth. I would need to drink a glass of water. I would need to take a shower. And I would also need a much more comfortable place to sleep than the frozen ground of the playground that was lightly dusted with snow.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2015 The appointment with my new endocrinologist went well, yay! She was very nice and way more informative than any other doctor I’ve seen so far. Finally, after all these months, I have learned what happened to me last summer. It makes me even more resentful of Doc C and especially Doc D for not warning me beforehand and explaining things to me better. Instead one told me to keep taking a dose that was too high for me while the other wanted me to go to a shrink. From what I read online, though, it is actually quite common for doctors to tell patients having the same symptoms I was having that they’re just anxious. Even if some of us know our bodies and what’s normal for us, and that suddenly becoming insanely anxious when life is better than ever certainly isn’t normal for us.

So why did my heart suddenly take off booming and send me into 4 months of the anxiety from hell? I probably had what’s known as pocket flares. This is the first time I’ve heard of the things, and had I known about them beforehand and that they’re not dangerous, I may not have freaked out so much and been so traumatized.

I thought that the thyroid died off as a whole and that what may remain active pretty much stays that way once you start medication. Wrong! The thyroid dies in pockets. She could actually feel them when she “strangled” me. Should one of those pockets flare up while you’re on a higher dose, that’s what can cause the God-awful effects I was having. It will take 1-5 years for my thyroid to die off completely as the active pockets burn out. It’s a slow burn, which means that I could be years away from getting my dosage settled, and as she said, which is the only bad thing she told me, it could happen again as they slowly increase my dosage. But instead of telling me to keep taking something that’s making me feel like I’m going to die and telling me to come in to see her either right now or in 3 months, she will care enough to get me in for blood work right away so that they can get me more comfortable ASAP.

I can’t believe the other doctors didn’t know what was going on. Why they didn’t want to deal with it correctly, though, is beyond me. My old endo sent a letter saying she was relocating to SoCal (like I care), so maybe she knew last spring and just didn’t care to really invest in her patients. As for Doc C, she was just young and inexperienced, I guess.

Back when I first started having problems last summer and thought I had accidentally double-dosed, I also didn’t know that even if I had, it wouldn’t have hurt me because of the way levothyroxine takes time to build up in the body. It takes 2 weeks for the T4 to settle in which is how much of the thyroid hormone is in your blood, and 6 weeks for a proper TSH reading, which reads how well your thyroid meds are doing what your thyroid can no longer do on its own. She’s still waiting on the results of my last blood test but expects to have me bumped up to 50 mcgs. After that, rather than just jump me to 75 mcg, she may go somewhere in between and see how I do on that.

I stressed to her how horrifying it was to have my heart booming and the other symptoms I had, which were caused by the extra adrenaline being pumped through me, and she noted that I was now traumatized by the ordeal. She then explained how she once accidentally bashed her thumb with a hammer and how it hurt to write without lifting her thumb up. Several months after the pain had stopped she was still raising that thumb and said to herself, “Why do I still have my thumb up?”

I get her point, LOL. In other words, put my thumb down. I feel like I’m in good hands now, they’re watching me, and they’re not going to brush me off and make excuses for me should I experience problems again. I just hope the rest of my thyroid dies off real fast so the risk goes away! To think I could have those problems over the next half a decade is a bit unnerving. But now I know that my body will continue attacking and killing my thyroid till it’s totally dead. The body creates antibodies when it thinks you have a disease (my dumb-ass body thought my thyroid was a disease) and begins to attack and destroy, which is what makes it Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease.

The good news is that my thyroid is not enlarged like I feared it might be and I should never need it removed. I guess I also won’t have to have ultrasounds every 6 months either.

She didn’t press on my stomach as the other endo did, but she did one of those reflex tests on the knee to make sure there was no nerve damage from the thyroid itself, and there isn’t.

She also had me hold my hands straight out in front of me like the other one and asked about my skin. I told her it was a bit dry, and of course I always have ridges in my nails, too.

She asked about hair loss as she gently tugged on it. I told her it stopped falling out as much, and she said it still comes out easily. LOL, yeah, I’m sure I’d end up bald in a good hair-pulling fight. It’s still a bit thin by my forehead, too. It appears thick overall, though, because it’s curly. It used to be insanely thick, but between age and this disease, it definitely has thinned out.

I first thought, even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by the initial diagnosis, that this would be a simple disease. I thought it would be as simple as taking a pill every day and that all would be fine. Instead, it’s a nasty, complex disease with potentially terrifying effects that takes time to tweak and fine-tune.

She was funny a couple of times. First she guessed by my accent that I was from Minnesota and then from New York. When I told her I was from Massachusetts, she told me she lived there for a couple of years.

Another funny thing was when she said, “You’re not crazy. You’re not old.”

Well, Doc C sure thought I was the first one, haha. She was so nice and so good-looking otherwise, but being competent is much more important than looks and niceness. Of course no one wants anyone who comes off as compassionless as Doc D did either.

I have really come to realize just how selfish Andy is. Ginger is this woman who lives in his complex whom he describes as being lonely and talkative. He said he’s been avoiding her phone call because she does nothing but “talk senseless shit.” In other words, she won’t let Andy do the talking or at least talk about what he finds interesting. That would be my guess anyway. In a way, I can relate to him. After all, I did recently blow off calling Paula because I don’t want to hear her ramble on about the same old shit and not let me get a word in edgewise.

That’s not it, though. I mentioned having to see my endo and do I get asked how it went? No, of course not. Instead, it’s all Andy, Andy, Andy. He’d be all ears if it had been a Stevie Nicks concert I’d attended, but being about something he can’t relate to and doesn’t care about, it’s all about his life on Facebook instead.

I don’t know what he sees in Facebook now that he is able to get back on, but isn’t allowed to “like” or post anything. All he can do is send messages. He’s going to Florida in a couple of days for 4 days, but says it’s going to be raining there the whole time and expects to be on the Kindle just as often. As fun as he may find Facebook, it’s still too bad that he can’t be busy doing things he doesn’t normally do when he’s at home.

Later…

We’ve got a light rain going out there right now, but even so, the landscapers were around earlier, and shortly after 10am, as is obviously the new daily tradition, the fucking cock down the street started up with the circular saw and I’m sure it will be an on and off thing till sundown. I’d love to complain to the office about it. But A, I know they won’t do shit about it and will just call it regular daytime noise he has a right to sic on me, and B, I don’t want them to spite me for it somehow. As I once learned the hard way… complain about someone and you just may be brutally surprised by what nasty connections they may have. It would take the whole block to complain about him for it to be stopped and that certainly isn’t going to happen. Just gotta get used to it, I guess, and get in the habit of putting the sound machine on by 10am. Just like I had to live with Jesse’s mutts, I will have to live with supposedly old and feeble people’s saws, hammers and other shit. Maybe it will back off in the summer heat. Until then, all activities requiring a quiet background like language studies must wait till nighttime.

I first considered the 3D printer a waste of money, but its fun and helpful possibilities are pretty amazing. Tom printed out a small shelf to put on the living room walls for his Wii remotes and controls.

Last night I had a dream that I was in some room and I heard them say on TV that some show that I had looked forward to watching was to be canceled that night. I don’t know if I was watching on a big screen TV or on a computer.

There were these two guys in the room with me and they made me uncomfortable for some reason. I quickly got up and went into another room and then to my bedroom, which was very dark. There were two doors to this bedroom and I shut one behind me as I entered the room and then reached through the darkness to shut the other one. I decided in my mind that if one of the guys asked me why I took off all of a sudden, I would just say I was sad because I missed my parents. But that is all I remember of the dream.

I had another wonderful daddy memory yesterday that randomly popped into mind. I was in my early twenties when he and some other guys helped me move into an apartment. I was trying to talk to him about how bothered I was by the way Mom treated me. Did I get any sympathy or understanding? No. Did I get told that he would talk to her? No, of course not. Instead, he had the nerve to tell me that that was his wife I was talking about, and if I kept it up he would walk away.

Yeah, he would choose his wife over his daughter, the fucking bastard. Really hope he and his precious wife are rotting in hell right along with their son. I have no more respect for enablers than I do the actual perps. That’s why I can’t stand God. I feel that He is just as much to blame for sitting back and letting it all happen.

I saw a documentary on third-world slums on 3 different continents, Asia, Africa and South America. It was absolutely horrible to see the pitiful conditions that these people live in. Even the worst slums in the US are heaven compared to these dumps. And no, they aren’t all lazy, drunk or on drugs, but more like unfortunate victims of circumstance.

Where my bleeding heart stops bleeding is over the fact that there’s no fucking excuse for the numbers to be so high as far as how many people are living like this. If they could just stop fucking breeding, the numbers of those suffering would drop drastically. It’s that simple. I just don’t understand these people, though. They may not have access to birth control, but a little common sense goes a long way. No, it’s not a hundred percent foolproof to pull out and not have sex at the most vulnerable times, but they could at least cut the number of people suffering down dramatically if they only thought of how cruel it was to be bringing kids into that type of a world in the first place and not just thinking of themselves only.

As for dumping Nutrisystem, OMG! I will never deal with those overpriced pushy assholes again. I called their 800 number and the nosy bitch kept asking me why I wanted to cancel. I told her that while most of the food was good, I have Hashimoto’s disease, so I’m not going to lose more than just a few pounds unless I nearly starve myself, something I don’t want to put myself through, of course, as it’s not healthy and it only leaves me feeling both hungry and tired. It seemed like nothing I told her was good enough for her.

Then she suggested talking to a counselor about diabetes and all that and I said, “Look lady, I said I had Hashimoto’s, not diabetes.”

Then she comes out and tells me that the amount we paid was for two orders and that if I chose to cancel now we would be charged an additional $84 for shipping and other things. I don’t remember seeing this written anywhere, although one such Nutrisystem member who has given me tips and pointers and advice in the past said that it is stated. I don’t know if it was written in such fine print that I was blind to it or if I just wasn’t paying much attention, but that doesn’t change how ridiculous the whole thing is.

I will return to eating as sensibly as I can and keeping active most days of the week. That is all I can do in my case. I’m 99 percent sure that I will never be under 145 pounds again in my life unless I am deathly ill, but the 20-30 extra pounds I’ve got won’t kill me. I will just use common sense and leave the rest to fate.

Writing prompts… My favorite Sunday ritual.

I didn’t really have a Sunday ritual as a kid or even as an adult. For the most part, I see Sunday as a day to relax, just like most people do. As a child, I would enjoy not going to school, and being able to play with my toys instead. As an adult, I enjoy having my husband home those days. Some days we do things together and other days we do our own thing.

Writing prompt… Holiday traditions I’ve looked most forward to.

I loved having my birthday and celebrating Hanukkah as a kid because like most kids, I loved getting presents. Even so, I think my favorite holiday was always New Year’s Eve. It was the one night I could stay up way past my bedtime and pretty much do anything I wanted. It was a tradition for me to watch the ball go down in Times Square, usually with my sister who was much older than me. I still watch it as an adult when I am able to. To me, New Year’s Eve always represented the start of a new year and new possibilities. It’s like wiping a canvas clean and then starting anew with a blank one.

Writing prompt… Things I did with my Dad when I was small.

Unlike my mother, my Dad noticed what interested me. Being much more patient and tolerant than my mother, he would take me to record stores to gather my favorite songs at the time and things like that. He would often get me magazines featuring my favorite celebrities too, while my mother couldn’t care less what I was into back then.

Writing prompt… Things I did with my Mom when I was little.

Most of the things I did with my Mom were to be forced to endure her constant criticism and negativity. I couldn’t really be myself around her. I had to be what she wanted instead. There really aren’t any activities in particular that I remember doing with her other than necessary tasks like her taking me to school and things like that. Nothing special in a really memorable way.

Writing prompt… If you could have dinner with anyone currently alive, who would it be?

I think I would have to say Alison, one of my closest cyber friends. It’s only a matter of time before I see my friends and family again, yet I have never met Alison and I think it would be really neat if we could meet, so right now she is the one I would choose to have dinner with.

Writing prompt… If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Probably Hawaii. We stayed in Ka’anapali on the island of Maui and it was absolutely gorgeous. Not just the weather, but it had such a relaxed, laid-back atmosphere. The place was alive with color and everything about it seemed wonderful except for the costs.

MONDAY, JANUARY 19, 2015 Yesterday was a fun and relaxing day that turned frustrating. I was sitting at my computer when all of a sudden I heard it… that damned dreaded saw. But I knew right away it wasn’t Bob or the guy at the end of the street. There’s a couple with a garage in back of the house sort of where the street forms a T that I’d never known to join in the sawfest as of yet despite having a garage. Sure enough, though, now I got this cock to have to listen to, too. Tom says he has heard him before, but he does this very rarely and not for hours like the others.

As I’ve said a million times before, I didn’t come here for this shit! These people are supposed to be old, feeble, and pretty much unable to do things. Why are they all out sawing instead? Everyone with a garage uses them as workshops, including one that doesn’t have a garage. That’s 5 fucking people on our tiny block. This is NOT what I would think of when I would think of retirement communities! Every other day lately someone’s been sawing. Pretty sure the corner guy will be at it today, though we’ll be gone most of the morning. Doesn’t matter. He’ll still be at it when we get back. That cock doesn’t stop till sundown.

Fucking male neighbors! No wonder I’m so sexist with few exceptions. Yes, I’ve had some noisy female neighbors, but they are NOTHING compared to the males.

My left purple glitter shoe still pinches my big toe. It probably has something to do with that ingrown toenail. If Doc C had done it right the first time, then it would probably have been fine. I could wear them to walk into a doctor’s office or the lab and home, but not for walking around Walmart and things like that.

They gave Tom a projector at work that we’ve been playing around with. The problem is there isn’t enough space to project onto in here. As big as this house is, the walls are all filled up with things… shelves, stickers and other wall hangings. It’s still cool to have and it’s worth hundreds of dollars.

Had some weird dreams last night. In one, my sister and I, along with other people, were at what seemed to be a huge house. We sat on a long bench watching a reality show on a big-screen TV. I was fascinated by this one part of the show where they pulled a surprise on its host. I still smoked too, and some young girl to the left of me casually took a cigarette from the pack of smokes I had sitting on the bench between us. I didn’t seem to mind that she’d taken one of them. I then pulled one out also, and the girl pulled a lighter from the pocket of her jeans, lit my cigarette and then hers.

Tammy, who had been sitting to the right of me, had been talking to someone else. When the person she’d been talking to walked away, I said, “You’ve got to see this. It’s amazing.” I started to back up to the part of the show that had me all excited, then I said something like, “I’m really hard to impress. So if I’m this impressed, you will be, too.” But try as I would, I couldn’t find that part of the show, LOL.

In the second of three dreams I remember, I was floating on the ocean. Eventually, the sun set and I quickly looked up to see if I’d drifted too far from shore, but I hadn’t. I got out of the water to find Tom standing on the beach happily chatting with a black couple that was perhaps in their 50s or 60s. Tom introduced us and we shook hands. Then Tom took off running really fast around the nearest cottage, which was very small. It seemed to be some part of a game or a test he was doing with the couple. I woke up running behind him and shouting, “Have you got my purse?”

The last dream wasn’t good at all. Some guy kidnapped me and he must’ve either snuck a drug in my food or drink to subdue me or he wasn’t someone I could attack and defend myself against. I don’t know why he took me, who it was, where we were, or what he did to me. He seemed to be holding me somewhere above a mall. One day he went out and I managed to escape. I grabbed my belongings, including a cell phone and ran down to what I knew was his store. I started taking things, including a key that sat on a counter that I knew was to his mailbox or something. I guess I liked the idea of inconveniencing him, even though he could get a new key if he didn’t already have a spare. Then I called the cops and reported the kidnapping.

Later…

Back from Home Depot where we looked at adhesive vinyl floor tiling. I found most of them to range from boring to ugly. We’re going to order what we want online where we’ll have more of a selection.

We also looked at appliances to get an idea of what front-loading washers/dryers we want, and what new oven we want, too. We don’t cook much, but it would still be nice to have something that’s not 31 years old. The thing is we can slap it all on our card and get it today, but I like to keep the savings way up there if I can help it. I’m just paranoid after all we’ve been through in the past.

We looked at smooth wallboard panels to put over these old paneled walls that you tape and texture to give the wall a solid smooth texture.

We bought a roller brush with a tube for loading paint into it, so you don’t have to keep dipping it in the pan. We’re waiting till the weather warms back up a bit to resume painting. No one wants to be cleaning out brushes when it’s 50° outside.

Then we went to Walgreens where I fed my nail and smellies obsessions. I got Angel and Swept Away perfume, plus this new nail polish in purple that’s supposed to have a velvet texture. I also got a light blue frosty polish.

I have much more to update on but will do so after my doctor’s appointment. Let’s just say that Nutrisystem makes canceling hell for you. I’ll never deal with them again!

It was barely after 9:30 and already I could hear some hammering. Can’t tell where it’s coming from, though.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015 Tom installed Yosemite for me on my Mac. I had been using Lion or Snow Leopard before. I like it better so far. This might be one of the last operating systems compatible with these 7-year-old Macs. I was thinking of getting either an iPad, a MacBook or a MacBook Air. I tried but I just can’t get used to the cheap Windows 8 tablet. It’s radically different than what I’m used to, and of course not as safe as Macs. Funny how I once swore I’d never give up Windows. XP was my favorite. But now I can’t imagine life without Macs. Just wish they weren’t so damn expensive! It’s going to cost around a grand to get what I want, but my phone and my Kindle aren’t enough for my needs. I want something that will let me do everything on it that I do on my desktop, only it needs to be portable so I can have the option of using it in any room in the house during the daytime when it’s noisy, and then I’ll use the desktop at night when it’s quiet.

I might move my desktop back out in the living room where I can’t hear the mutt just over the wall and the asshole that works in his garage every other day without having the decency to at least shut the fucking door. I know that means hearing Bob more often, but Bob doesn’t use power tools nearly as much as the other guy.

Also, if we really do switch from rats to a cat, I’d rather the litter box be in the laundry room than the living room, which are pretty much the only places they can go in this house. Well, I’m not going to want to be working on my desktop with a cat taking a dump just a couple of feet away.

We went to Walmart early yesterday morning, came home, put the groceries away, then headed out to the lab. Instead of being in and out, though, it took about a half-hour because there were more people there than usual since we didn’t get there when they first opened.

After the lab, we went to Sam’s Club, then spent the rest of the day relaxing. I watched a movie and did some editing, and that was pretty much it.

The only dream I remember is sitting outside with a couple of people. Maliheh walked by all sweaty and hot and asked me if I had a particular kind of juice. I said I didn’t, but offered her something else. I then climbed this ladder-like thing to get inside the house to get it, sarcastically wondering to myself if she’d be more likely to want to be my friend if I had the drink she wanted. In reality, I’d tell her to go fuck herself, of course.

Writing prompt… How easy is it for you to forgive those who have caused you pain?

Not easy at all. Experience has taught me all too well that the more forgiving I am, the more likely I am to be burned by the same people again and again. Because of this, I try not to be very forgiving. Chances are if you wrong me in some way, then you will probably not be forgiven or at least not allowed back into my life. Especially if it’s something big or it’s happened more than once. The more forgiving I am, the more it comes back to haunt me in the end, so I always try to be as unforgiving as possible while not expecting anyone to be perfect either.

Writing prompt… What is the dominant emotion in your life right now?

Happiness! It makes me happy just to be able to say that, too. Little bit of medication stress on me now as they tweak and fine-tune my dosage, but other than that I have no real complaints other than life’s usual annoyances. I am loved, I am healthy, I’m not poor, and I have all I need.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 16, 2015 This park never ceases to piss me the fuck off. They have been turning our water off like crazy lately. Just when I was thinking how we managed to go two or three months without them turning the water off, they go and they turn it off like half a dozen times in less than a month. Usually, it’s off for an hour or two and then when I turn the water on it spits air, but is clear. This time the water was dark brown with dirt and I had to run the faucets and keep flushing the toilets several times to clear it out. Meanwhile, the toilets I just cleaned are now filthy.

I finally got fed up enough to call and blast out some guy who answered at the office even if it wouldn’t do me any good any more than it would to complain of landscaping and woodworking noise. I’m tired of these so-called emergencies that I am really contemplating deducting some of the space rent from the next payment and I wish that the other residents would consider doing the same thing. This is just fucking ridiculous! We’ve ended up playing more water games here – with a city sewer rather than a private well – than we ever did with Jesse or even in Maricopa. If it isn’t that then it’s noise annoyances. The only distraction I heard yesterday, though, was somebody getting their car worked on just outside the back of the house and then I guess they towed it away. I’m sure there’ll be tons of landscaping racket today, along with the fucking guy that likes to work in his garage.

Sometimes when I think of the measly 12 grand my parents left me it still pisses me off. I mean really. I know I’m supposed to be grateful for anything I could get and all that, but still…that’s not the point. It still bothers me that they not only chose to give most of what they had to their grandkids but that most people inherit so much more than that even if it’s not in cash. Seriously, 12K in the US is a joke these days and it was in 2012, too. It was as if it was one final insult on my parents’ part, even if it really wasn’t, and one last slap in the face from God. God might as well have said, “Haha, first I let them abuse you when they were alive and now you only get 12 grand.”

Yeah, well, He may think it’s pretty fucking funny and while I am thankful that the money helped get us what we wanted which was this house (it’s still quieter than the mainstream), knowing that your average person inherits either cash, homes, or possessions worth a hell of a lot more has a way of bothering me for some reason. It’s just another one of those things that has a way of making me feel singled out and picked on even if it shouldn’t. But as my therapist would say, I’m not going to apologize or feel guilty for the way I feel no matter who may consider it selfish.

Andy irritated me the other day (as usual). I didn’t mean to intentionally insult him with something I said to him. I’m not him. I don’t go out of my way to annoy, insult or gross out those I consider friends. Anyway, I guess I worded what I said wrong or he misunderstood. Either way, he felt insulted and said that if it were the other way around our friendship would be over. But he has insulted me in the past and I’m still here. Yes, I walked away for a few weeks a few years ago when he insisted I was making up my sleep disorder and when he defended some people that have screwed my husband and I in the past without knowing the full story. But I didn’t dump him when he insulted me in regards to my driving phobia and then my husband for his lifestyle and the fact that he likes to spend the bulk of his free time either alone or with me when Andy himself has few friends, admits he likes to be a loner, and has had his own trust issues. In our case, though, spending our time alone or together is more of a preference thing than a trust thing, not that it should matter if it’s what we like and want. Same goes for him and what suits his own needs and preferences best.

The reason I didn’t dump him was that he not only didn’t keep on doing it, but he realized it was wrong of him and he apologized to me for it, which I greatly appreciated. After all, we all have a right to be who/what we are so long as we’re happy and not hurting anyone, and he wouldn’t want to be judged for being gay or anything like that. So knowing full well what it’s like to be judged, picked on or criticized simply for being yourself, there haven’t been any problems. That’s why I didn’t dump him. It’s those who feel the need to constantly judge, condemn and insult me after I’ve let them know how I feel about it that I won’t put up with. Some might call it “giving up on friends,” but I call it having enough self-respect to walk away from those who can’t accept me as I am.

Although Andy and I have evolved into what seems like two totally different people in more ways than not, we’re able to accept that we don’t share many of the same beliefs or interests these days, and so be it. Acceptance is important to me. Especially after the kind of childhood I had where I was forced to be just about everybody and everything I was not. I don’t give a shit if someone likes orange soda. Just don’t expect me to drink the crap because you do. :)

Without meaning to, we all say and do things every now and then that offend our friends. It’s being able to realize it and not do it again that matters, not how perfect you can be all the time because no one is perfect.

I do wonder at times, though, if he does little things to deliberately annoy me or if he’s just that selfish. Like how he went on and on about celebrities while he was here and had to bring up blacks and ask Tom if his siblings keep in touch with him; something he should know the answer to. We hadn’t even pulled out of the train station parking lot when he was already mentioning God.

Writing prompt… Groups of favorites.

Favorite activities: Running, walking, biking, swimming, writing, reading, listening to music, studying languages, trying new things, sleeping, dreaming and most of all, spending time with my husband and pets, and keeping in touch with friends and other family members.

Favorite restaurants: I don’t really have any favorites but some of the ones I go to are Red Lobster, Denny’s, Mel’s Diner, KFC and Carl’s Jr.

Favorite people: My husband, my other family members that I am in touch with, and my friends. This includes those in cyberspace that I talk to regularly but have never met.

Favorite foods: Chinese and seafood are my favorite real foods. For snacks, I usually prefer something sweet as opposed to salty.

Favorite games: Not much of a gamer, but I do like Mahjong, Crazy Eights, Jezzball and solitaire.

Favorite drinks and beverages: I rarely drink alcoholic drinks, but when I do I usually just have wine coolers or something like that. My drinks usually consist of water, soda and coffee. I don’t usually have tea and juice very much, though sometimes I will have hot chocolate.

Favorite desserts: I love anything with caramel and chocolate, and I love cheesecake as well. For chips, I really like shrimp-flavored chips, Fritos, tortilla chips, Cheetos and Lays wavy potato chips.

Favorite websites: Prosebox, LiveJournal, Blogger, my-diary, NexusDesktop, Duolingo, Ask, Twitter, and I will only say Facebook cuz it’s where I keep in touch with those I’m closest to.

Favorite writers: Ruby Jean Jensen, Dean Koontz, John Saul, Mary Higgins Clark and Stephen King.

Later…

Got a busy few days coming up. Walmart and blood work today, various things tomorrow, and then Monday I have my endo appointment. Before seeing the doctor we’ll be looking at vinyl tiling at Home Depot and probably making other stops as well.

I had this sharp pulsating cramp in my chest yesterday, but since it was on the right side, that ruled out the heart. Then I felt it in my left lower gut. Someone said they get that when they’re low on iron. With my period in full swing, maybe I was.

Writing prompt… Saddest moments.

I know most people would say that one of their saddest moments in life was when they lost their parents. But that is not the case with me. My saddest moments were losing my first pet, a guinea pig, my mother sending me away, as well as the reality of knowing that I would not be able to touch my husband for half a year after the white-hating spiteful assholes and Arizona succeeded in setting me up so that I would do 6 months in jail. These were some of the saddest most depressing moments of my life.

For a while, I was even sad that I couldn’t have a child and that my supposed right as a woman to choose was denied to me until the idea of a child wore off on its own.

Losing our house and land in Arizona as well as losing our land in Oregon was also a very sad time for me.

Writing prompt… Happiness.

Happiness to me isn’t just something big like winning a million dollars. Happiness can be something as small as enjoying a good cup of hot chocolate. It can be spending time chatting with Tom and it can be joking about something online with a friend of mine. It can be going out to eat or it can be enjoying the smell of the latest perfume I bought. It can be going to sleep on a full stomach and peace of mind, knowing that there are no money issues to fret about.

Happiness to me isn’t just material things, but peace of mind and a deep sense of security and contentment.

Writing prompt… How do you deal with anger?

Unfortunately, anger isn’t something I’m great at dealing with. I don’t go and beat the people up that piss me off, and I don’t go hurling furniture across the room when something angers me, but it’s hard for me to just smile and say, “Oh, well. There will be better days.”

I try to just let myself feel what I’m going to feel and not stifle my emotions. I also try to look for any positives to whatever/whoever set me off, but I won’t kid myself either. I won’t try to justify someone’s poor sense of judgment, actions or behavior. I won’t sugarcoat a bad situation like if our roof started leaking really bad. I won’t try to tell myself that whatever’s up there “had its reasons.” If it “had its reasons” for letting me get into a serious car accident that was the other party’s fault, for example, then those reasons couldn’t have been good, and I would be angry that its intentions were to bring me into harm’s way just as I would the person at fault.

I may shout, swear and think nasty thoughts about those that piss me off, but I try not to resort to any kind of revenge because that can not only get me into trouble, but it makes me look just as bad as the other person.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 15, 2015 Writing prompt… What are you most looking forward to in life?

What am I looking forward to the most in life? Hmm… I really don’t have anything specific to look forward to, but actually many things. I look forward to each day that we can go without having to struggle financially. I look forward to each day that we have no health problems. That’s the main thing I look forward to. The rest is just secondary.

I look forward to doing a small trip to Reno in the spring. I look forward to going shopping at our favorite stores. I look forward to good books and movies. I look forward to continuing the house’s improvements. I look forward to my writing projects. I look forward to learning new languages and more of the ones I’ve already studied. I look forward to my current and future friends. I look forward to my current and future pets. I look forward to learning new things, even if they are trivial things I can never actually use to my benefit.

Writing prompt… Leaf through magazines and cut out random images to use as prompts.

I don’t have any magazines so I will just randomly browse websites and discuss what comes to mind with the first couple of pictures I see.

The first one shows what I assume to be a married woman and man posed with a boy and girl who I also assume are their children. To be honest, old-fashioned stereotypical images like this annoy me. I mean this is just so in the past. Sure there are still some couples who happen to be married that have a daughter and a son. But it’s not the “norm” society once fixated upon. As anyone with any degree of intelligence knows, there are no “norms,” especially these days. Unmarried couples are just as likely to have a boy and a girl as marrieds are likely to have no kids as a single Mom is likely to have 1 kid or even 4 kids. There simply are no “norms.” In some cases some things may be a little more common – hey it’s more common not to be born with a missing limb – but norms themselves are basically a joke.

Another image I see is that of a few cops and sadly, the first words that come to mind are “abuse” and “corruption.” I resent the media just as much as cops in general, not only because they tend to lie and exaggerate, but also because they tend to focus only on what the people want to hear. Police brutality affects ALL races. ALL races.

As studies have found, many cops have chosen their profession so they can act out their aggressiveness, and believe me, they don’t care who or what you are. They know they have more power than you do, they know they can get away with it, and that’s enough for them. They don’t give a damn about race, nationality or gender. It’s all about power to them and all they need to abuse is another human being. The only difference between police brutality against blacks as opposed to whites is that the blacks are the ones getting the media coverage.

Writing prompt… Look through your photographs and choose one to write about.

I see a picture of my mother when she was just ten years old hanging out with her own mother. This is way back in 1940 or so. The two of them appear to be enjoying each other’s company and very happy and carefree. When I first saw this picture it evoked feelings of surprise within me because both of them were notorious for being cold-hearted, abusive bitches. They hated each other and they hated just about everybody else in the world, too.

The first thing I said to my sister, who gave me the picture a few years ago after our Mom died, was that it was awfully hard to picture those two being as close as they appear to be in the photograph. Funny how things change, huh?

A letter came in the mail from my old endocrinologist saying that she was moving to Southern California and all her patients were going to be turned over to their primary physicians. Technically, one with Hashimoto’s disease does not need to see an endocrinologist. A primary care doctor can treat it just as easily. They can write prescriptions for the necessary medications just as easily, and they can send them to the lab for blood work, as well as for ultrasounds. So if I had remained with Sutter, I wouldn’t have been stuck with Dr. D forever.

I still miss Dr. C at times, but as Tom said, I was horrible under her care. It was so true, too. It’s like she knew what she was doing but she didn’t. She just didn’t get me, and she hadn’t had enough experience with patients yet, but I suppose there was some good in her. The way she initially handled me when I got all stressed out was great, and of course it’s hard to forget being told you’re beautiful by one who was even more beautiful than I was when I was young and skinny, haha. The only boring body part that I could see was her eyes.

But when you get all that out of the picture, you have a doctor who definitely didn’t see the big picture where I was concerned and who wanted to resort to ridiculous remedies and solutions that weren’t necessary. I needed less medication, not a shrink. I also still wish she had done my toe right the first time around, too.

I swear, though, God really, really does find a way to get the hotties out of my life relatively quickly. The pattern’s obvious. As soon as I have a crush on someone or I really like someone for some reason, He makes sure that circumstances come up so that I never see them again. They move. We move. We change plans. Anything to get me away from the hotties. I can sit and stare at her picture on my computer, but that’s not the same as actually seeing her (or other hotties) in person and actually talking to them.

Meanwhile, Dr. A is just there and I can’t imagine being hot for Dr. O just based on her picture, so I’m sure I’ll be with them for many years to come.

In the end, though, personality and competence are always more important than looks. Still… it would be a nice bonus if something good looking can stay in my life for more than a year.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2015 Writing prompt… The worst thing I ever did.

The worst thing I ever did was go to court when last summoned. I know it sounds funny as hell, but it is my biggest regret ever. I learned that day just how important it is for us to listen to what our gut tells us. I’m not going to get into a story I’ve been through so many times before, but just to make a very long story short, I was in the process of being legally railroaded 15 years ago, and I knew it, too. Every ounce of my gut instinct screamed and demanded that I did not go to court. There’s doing what the law says and then there’s doing what’s right. Yes, there would have been a Failure to Appear warrant out on me, but if you don’t have any additional police contact, at least until the warrant expires (and yes, some really do expire), you should be okay.

Why I made it easier for them to screw me like I did and to tell me, a 34-year-old, what to do, was truly stupid. I wouldn’t give any other stranger that much respect. Yet I stupidly ignored the bad feeling that ate at me, went to court, and walked right into the trap that awaited me. It was a form of senseless suicide you could say.

I would never dispense any legal advice to anyone else, but if I ever received another subpoena in my life, though I’d certainly rather not, it’s going to be torn up and tossed in the trash. Period. Unless anyone kicked my door down and forced me out of here, I don’t succumb to demands or threats or go anywhere I am told to go unless I am a totally willing participant.

Writing prompt… What’s your secret desire?

I can’t really say that I have any secret desires because I just can’t imagine wanting something that I felt I had to keep a secret. Wish I could come up with some exciting and surprising answer for this one but I really can’t. Anything I currently desire is no secret and I don’t expect anything that I may desire in the future to be a secret either.

The only “secret” desires are those that are unrealistic or totally impossible. Like being invisible for a while so I could walk up to an unknowing person, tap them and watch them look around with confusion. And like having fun slowly torturing those that had a hand in screwing me the most in life.

Writing prompt… What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?

This is another one I don’t have an exciting answer for. I mean what do you consider “outrageous?” To me, outrageous is going around the world beheading people who are different than you. Refusing funeral services to someone simply because they were gay… that’s outrageous. That’s outrageous.

I suppose some may see my once being an exotic dancer as a bit outrageous, but there’s outrageous and then there’s OUTRAGEOUS. And I don’t think anything I’ve done thus far really constitutes being outrageous. Sure have had some outrageous thoughts, though, LOL.

Writing prompt… The most terrifying moment of my life.

My most terrifying moment was last summer when I thought I accidentally overdosed on my thyroid medication. Instead, I would end up going through the most hellish side effects I ever experienced for a few months. It took me what was then 48 years to have my most terrifying moment, even though I’ve actually been closer to death in the past than I was last summer.

The side effects caused me to have the most heart-pounding anxiety I had ever felt in my life, bordering on sheer terror. I thought it would never end. Even today I am on constant alert for the slightest hints of these feelings returning. It was very scary and just the thought of ever going through that again is pretty horrifying.

Writing prompt… The most fun I ever had.

The most fun I ever had was definitely that one magical week we spent in Maui. I thought we would spend most of it relaxing on the beach and dining and shopping, but we did a lot more than just that.

We went catamaran sailing, we went on a submarine tour, we went snorkeling and we also attended a luau. I would love for us to retire there someday, though this doesn’t seem very likely.

Writing prompt… The most surprised I’ve ever been.

Life is full of surprises. That saying really is very true. I have been surprised many times in life and it’s really hard to just pick one thing I consider the most surprising.

I’m surprised to have met somebody as wonderful as Tom. I’m surprised that I finally managed to quit smoking. I’m surprised that I got to escape New England and live in other parts of the country. I’m surprised I have studied so many languages. I’m surprised I became a published author. I’m surprised at all the winning I did for a few years there before all the competition came to make entering contests and sweepstakes a complete waste of time, or pretty close to it. I’m surprised to be able to say that I’ve been in a submarine before.

Writing prompt… The most disappointed I’ve ever been.

I would say that the most disappointing thing in life has been the horses. I know many of you are probably experiencing a real WTF moment right now.

Many years ago Tom wrote a handicapping program that could predict winning racehorses. Its accuracy was amazing and it looked so promising. We knew that if it continued to work out it could easily make us several hundred dollars a day. However, it turned out to be a bust in the end. It was very sad, frustrating and disappointing to see him put so much time and work into the program which looked so, so promising.

Later…

Tammy left a VM saying that she and Mark have been ill. What else is new?

Irene said she wrote Nane a week ago but hasn’t heard back from her. This doesn’t surprise me even though she’s on Facebook nearly every day playing backgammon.

Andy got suspended from Facebook for a week for posting nudity. Some people just never learn from their mistakes, do they? Even so, there’s tons of nudity, gore, hate and other shit on Facebook yet nothing gets done about that. So why him?

My heart started racing for a few minutes early yesterday morning, but luckily for me, I have learned not to panic and let it get worse. I simply told myself to calm down, took slow, deep breaths, swore to myself and whatever’s up there that may hear me that I wouldn’t take any shit from it, and it slowed down.

I still send speech-to-text updates to Tom throughout the part of the day I’m awake. I’m half on days now and half on nights. As soon as I was getting up out of my chair just after 10 a.m. yesterday morning I heard the whirring of a saw or a sander startup in the garage at the corner. Is this going to be a daily thing now?

As I was telling Andy, I am so shocked and so disappointed to learn that retirement communities aren’t nearly as quiet as I thought they would be. Unless it’s raining really hard, super hot, nighttime, or the weekend, I can almost always hear something going on. If it isn’t traffic it’s landscapers and if it isn’t landscapers it’s someone doing some home improvement or woodworking project.

I keep hoping that the houses closest to the little cock will complain but of course they never would unless he did it at night. Meanwhile, he’s free to start his shit up between 10 and 11 a.m. And not stop until it’s dark as has been his habit lately.

I expected to hear more noise upon moving here as far as dogs go, people coming and going, their company coming and going, yet I lucked out in those areas. But what I do hear is plenty annoying enough. Whenever I would think of retirement communities I would picture old people who spend most of their time in front of their TV, reading, crocheting or playing cards. Not hanging outside building birdhouses and a slew of other shit that can be heard several houses away.

In my dreams last night we were staying at a hotel. Just what is it with all these hotel and apartment dreams all of a sudden anyway?

Tom was out somewhere and I was sitting down in the lobby on a bench waiting for him to return. A young couple sat down next to me. I’m not sure who initiated the conversation, though I doubt it was me. It soon came out that the woman’s name was also Jodi but she spelled it differently. When I realized that they were the ones living above us, I said, “Oh, so you’re the ones with heavy footsteps pounding on top of my head?” And then I chuckled and kindly asked them to tread a little lighter if they could.

The woman just kind of smiled guiltily, but the guy remained quiet and expressionless the entire time.

Had a strange dream dealing with our central air conditioner too, but I don’t know if we were living in a house or an apartment. I just know that for some strange reason, I felt compelled to drill a hole in the floor of the bedroom closet because I believed it would make the bedroom cooler. Even stranger was when I pulled the piece of flooring up and looked down into what seemed like an endless shaft that led to nowhere. Suddenly realizing how foolish it was for me to tear the floor up since we had a working central air system, I replaced the piece of floorboard.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2015 Writing prompt… Movies.

My movie genre preference is similar to my book genre preference. I like mystery, suspense, thrillers, paranormal and some drama with very few exceptions along the way.

One such exception was the movie Titanic. The one starring Leonard DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. Of course I loved The Wizard of Oz as a child, and for comedy, I really liked the Police Academy series. My sci-fi exception was definitely the Terminator, especially Terminator 2.

Not much more I can say on this subject other than that I think I’ll go browse through some horror movies on Amazon Prime and see if there’s anything I want to watch tonight.

Writing prompt… Songs

I know that for most people it’s the sound of the singer, the appearance of the singer, or the lyrics that gets somebody interested in a particular song. For me, however, it’s the music. If I like the way the music sounds then it really doesn’t matter who’s singing it, what they look like, or what they’re saying.

I used to be really big on songs from the seventies and eighties and I still am, but I got a little tired of them after so many years of listening to them. For several years I liked modern stuff as well as oldies. Lately, though, I have become bored shitless by modern music. It’s like it’s the same old shit no matter where you go.

These days I don’t have any favorites where singers and bands are concerned. I like many genres of music except for some hardcore rap, heavy metal, gospel, jazz, classical and most country music.

Writing prompt… Short-Term Goals

One short-term goal is to get on with the home improvements. We took a break from that for a while and soon I will want to resume our plans to upgrade the place little by little. I expect we’ll put thousands of dollars into this house over the next few years alone.

I also hope to get my thyroid and medication issues squared away and end up on a dose that I can handle without side effects. I don’t care if I’m never able to lose the extra weight, but I definitely care about not suffering the way I did last year. It was a really horrible thing to go through.

So other than that and to just hope that things run smoothly as they have been overall, that’s really all I have for short-term goals.

Writing prompt… Long-Term Goals

My long-term goal is for us to move to a tropical climate someday, probably when he retires. It is the one climate I have yet to experience living in. I have lived where they have real winters, I have lived in seasonal but more temperate climates such as where we are now, and I have lived in the desert.

I would really love to move to Maui, but I don’t think that’s a very realistic dream. It’s just way too expensive there, even though there are ways to get around some of the expenses.

I think that more than likely we will end up in Florida, and that’s okay too. I look forward to it, assuming nothing comes up to either kill us or trap us here forever.

Writing prompt… Nobody knows.

Nobody knows what I’m not willing to let anybody know. It’s that simple. :) If there is anything that I haven’t told anybody it was probably for a reason. So then why would I mention it here?

I guess my response to this particular prompt is lame as hell. Okay, nobody knows I just took a sip of water. There. I just confessed something nobody knew until now. :)

Writing prompt… I never told you.

If there’s something that I never told a particular person, it was most likely because I either didn’t know where they were or it wasn’t important enough for me to tell them. I’m usually pretty straightforward and if I really want somebody to know something, I find a way to get the message to them.

Right now there really isn’t much that I haven’t gotten off my chest to those who have burned me in the past, for example, and I don’t have any deep dark secrets that I feel a need to hide from anybody. Sure, there is always more I could say to those who have wronged me, but I know that it really wouldn’t do me any good. It may make me feel better to a degree to give them a verbal shakedown, but I have talked things out both with those I’m closest to as well as in my journal. I know that my words would likely go in one ear and out the other if I spoke directly to them anyway. If somebody doesn’t believe they’ve done anything wrong or they don’t want to believe they have, then they’re not going to admit what they’ve done and apologize. Usually, when we confront somebody who has wronged us their first instinct is to counterattack no matter how right we may be. Especially if they really do know that they’re guilty of something and are afraid to admit it.

So as far as the “I never told you” thing, there really isn’t much to say in that department. I mean, I never told Kate Jackson that I really loved her on Charlie’s Angels, and that’s because I never met her.

Writing prompt… The biggest lie I ever told.

This one took me time to think about because it was really hard to come up with a grand lie I told as an adult because of the way I have such a blunt nature. As a child I lied to escape punishment, but as an adult, who can come and spank me or take away my prized possessions for a few weeks because of something I say?

I hate to lie because the more lies you tell, the more you have to tell to cover your ass and that can get pretty confusing. I always try to be as honest as I can even though nobody has such power and control over me that they could use anything I say against me in the way they could when I was a child.

Other than maybe softening the truth and leaving some details out of things, the only real “lie” I told as an adult was a denial of guilt in court when charged with prank phone calls over 20 years ago.

So the biggest lie I ever told was probably when I was a kid, like when I tried to tell everyone that I was bionic and to convince people that I had superhuman strength and all kinds of cool powers. Yeah, I would do silly things like that at times. I would try to convince my classmates that I was magic and all kinds of stupid shit like that. I suppose a lot of kids do similar things, but of course my mother had to make me feel like I did something as horrible as beat some poor classmate to death over the head with a book or something.

Writing prompt… Guilt.

When I think of what makes me feel guilty there are two things that come to mind. The first one is how I pushed a girl off of a pile of rocks that people loved to climb at the beach where we would spend our summers. I did this for no reason at all. I simply did it just because I could, never realizing that I could have seriously hurt or even killed her. I don’t even remember who she was or what her name was. She was just someone I’d see at the beach. I would gladly apologize to her if I could.

The second thing that makes me feel guilty is when I dumped my cat, Shadow, in Paradise Valley, Arizona. I had just arrived in Phoenix from New England and moved into an apartment. I was broke, starving, and the bitch of a manager threaten to evict me if I didn’t get rid of the cat because I wasn’t in an apartment that allowed pets.

I know I should have dropped Shadow off at the pound even though he would have been put to sleep more than likely. Back then my attitude was hey, it’s an animal. He’ll survive on his own.

And maybe he did. Maybe somebody gave him a nice home. But then again maybe he died of hunger and thirst in the intense desert heat. I’ll never know for sure what became of him, the cat that loved and trusted me even though he was an obnoxious little devil at times. Even though this was over 20 years ago, a part of me will always feel a bit guilty when I think of him.

Later…

Feeling a little jittery tonight, but it’s more in an annoying kind of way than a scary way. I have no idea if it’s my medication, my thyroid, or just me. It’s kind of hard to believe it’s the medication because I’m still only on 25 micrograms of levothyroxine. I even stopped losing hair, finally. I guess my body is used to it now.

Tom and I have planned a small trip to Reno in the spring. You have to go over the Sierra Nevada Mountains to get there and going in the winter isn’t a great idea because you could get stuck in a snowstorm. In the spring we won’t have to worry about that and the brats will still be in school. We’ll probably only stay a night or two and have fun gambling and shopping. It won’t be Hawaii, but it will be a fun break from the same old, same old. It’s about a 2-hour drive. Not being that far from home gives us the option of being more spontaneous as far as how long we stay. I’ve been to Nevada before, both Vegas and Laughlin, but I have never been to Reno. It’s no place I’d ever want to live because it snows there. Not like up in Klamath Falls, but just one snowflake is too much for me.

Tom decided he’s going to get serious about coding, starting with phone apps. He realizes that he can say he wants to do something, or he can actually do it. No matter how overwhelming a task may seem at times, the best way to get started is to just do it.

So I go into my bedroom to get ready to shower where I can see myself quite well with all these floor-to-ceiling mirrors and the big mirror in the bathroom, strip naked and wow! I’m not only noticeably thinner despite the scale only being down a few pounds, but you can definitely tell I’m in shape for one less than a year from the half-century marker. Sure enough, my measurements are down a bit more. I still think I’m gonna cancel my next NS shipment cuz it’s going WAY too slow given my thyroid issues. I’ll do my own NS-based plan… not just eating right most days but not eating big portions. Of course I’ll still work out most days cuz that’s fun for me no matter what. It’s 45° and dropping out there. Too cold to go down the rollercoaster and up by the lake on the bike so I guess I’ll make it a treadmill night even if that’s not as fun. It’s not even mid-January and I am sooo sick of winter! Gibt mir das Frühlingswetter!

Nane didn’t take me into the woods to kill me, she took me there to kiss me, LOL. I was in Germany visiting some people that she knows in my dreams, and I think Christiane and Irene may have been there. Nane wouldn’t talk to me for the first part of our hiking or camping trip or whatever the hell it was we were doing. I wanted to go walking in the woods with somebody who promised to take me on a trail they were familiar with but that somebody ended up getting a headache or something like that, so Nane took me instead.

At first I happily commented on the sights and sounds around me both in English and German and then I suddenly became nervous. I spun around and looked at Nane who was casually leaning against a tree staring at me. It then dawned on me that she might have volunteered to walk me into the woods so she could harm me in some way, still pissed at me for dumping her. Instead, she started kissing me. :)

Then I was living someplace where there were four bathrooms. I had to pee really bad yet despite having that many bathrooms, someone (God knows who) was in every single one of them.

Then Tom and I went to different stores to do some shopping. After I picked out what I wanted in a clothing store, I sat on a bench and observed the people around me while I waited for Tom to pick me up. The store had a fairly decent amount of customers in it and most were middle-aged to older. The floor had flat carpet and the windows on the exterior walls were sunken in that they were in this little alcove of sorts.

A younger woman who was closest to where I sat started commenting to me about these dresses that were on sale for just $5. I rose from the bench and studied them. They were all solid red cotton dresses, only some were sleeveless and some had short sleeves. The woman said she was excited about the upcoming warm spell so she could wear dresses like that.

I decided I didn’t want any and then realized I didn’t have my purse and purchases in my hand with me. Just as I was about to freak out, I looked over and saw that they were still on the bench that I had been sitting on, amazed that nobody had stolen them while my attention was diverted.

In the last dream, I remember we were renting an apartment for several months before moving someplace, but I don’t know where. All I know is that it was as noisy as most apartments are. I was bitching about it to Tom in the car as we were heading somewhere, saying that nobody would do anything about it and how talking to the residents did me no good and neither would talking to the office. In my mind, I figured that whatever was up there would make sure that my final month there was hell.

MONDAY, JANUARY 12, 2015 Writing prompt… Fame.

Do I have any famous or high-profile relatives? No, I don’t. I do have a distant cousin who is a published author and who has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, but the most famous person that I ever met is actually Big Bird from Sesame Street. One of my childhood friends is his adopted daughter.

Writing prompt… Dear past me.

Dear past me,

Why were you so damn naive at times? There are so many things you could have and perhaps should have done differently. Maybe not so much that you might have done them better, but definitely much more efficiently. On the other hand, were all young, dumb and naive at some point in our lives, so I won’t hold it against you. You simply did what you felt was best to do at the time and given what knowledge and experience you had at the moment. So yeah, you fucked up here and there. But then again we all do.

Writing prompt… Dear future me.

Dear future me,

You have learned so much in life. I hope you will utilize your knowledge to the utmost best of your ability for the remainder of your life. Remember, life isn’t so much about never making mistakes as it is about not repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Be yourself, use your best judgment, and never give up before you try.

Writing prompt… What is your take on soul mates?

I’m one of the very few and the very lucky ones to have found her soul mate. I think that unfortunately most people never meet their ideal mates. For most people, I think that fantasy is one thing while reality is another. Our soul mates may not mimic our fantasies 100 percent, but there is no doubting it when we meet them.

My take on soul mates is pretty simple. Our true soul mate loves and accepts us just as we are. They encourage us to improve in a loving, non-pushy way and not a controlling and manipulative way. They never try to shape and mold us into who they are or who they think we should be. They accept our weaknesses and appreciate our strengths. They are there for us during the bad times as well as the good and they never judge us. They are honest with us, they respect us, and they would love us the same if we were disfigured in a fire or something like that. They consider us as well as themselves and they really listen to us and pay attention to the things we say and do.

Writing prompt… Worry.

I’ve always been one to worry. I’m just a total worry wart. Most of my worries are things like something possibly happening to Tom, or us falling in some financial jam as we have in the past, and sometimes I even worry about those who screwed me in Arizona hunting me down and doing God only knows what to me. My rational side says they would have by now, but life is full of nasty surprises at times, and someone connected to them was playing around online with me just a few years ago that I know of. They’re definitely not my biggest worry in life, though.

The things that I tend to worry about come in all sizes. Some are big, some are small. Sometimes I worry about how tired I may be on any given day that I may want to do something in particular while other times I’ll worry about what the future may hold for us.

Writing prompt… Places you’ve enjoyed visiting.

Although I haven’t traveled very often, I have definitely been to many places, including other countries. I’ve been all over the US except for some of the Midwestern states. I grew up in Massachusetts and we had a summer cottage down in Connecticut. My first short-distance trip was to camp in Maine and then to New York when my school went to the Trade Center.

My first long-distance trip was to Texas where my sister lived for a while. Then again, that might have been my second long-distance trip. Pretty sure we went to Florida when I was a baby. I definitely went to Florida when I was 22 and then again when I was 24. This was in the late 80s and early 90s.

In the mid-90s I went to places like Vegas, where I was married. Laughlin, which is also in Nevada, and SoCal.

In January of 2007, I won a Caribbean cruise. We were living in Oregon at the time and it was a wonderful break from the icy cold and snow. We sailed from Florida to the Bahamas and Puerto Rico. We tried to make it to the Grand Turks and Caicos Islands, but stormy weather prevented us from docking safely.

The best trip was to Ka’anapali, Hawaii on the island of Maui just last year. Originally the trip was supposed to be to Italy, but the travel company I won the credit from allowed us to pick our own destination.

We had so much fun there! We swam in pools, but mostly in the ocean. We snorkeled and attended a luau. We went catamaran sailing and on a submarine tour. It was the busiest, most adventurous, and fun week of my life!

Writing prompt… Three things.

This prompt asks me a series of questions that involve three things. First one is… What three things can I not go without? Air, water and food.

What are my three celebrity crushes? Kate Jackson, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan. That ought to tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been into celebrities, haha.

My three favorite things to wear… That would be my long light blue fleece robe, My new 1-piece pajamas, and the colorful dress I got in Hawaii.

Three things I want in a relationship… Honesty, respect and acceptance.

If I had to evacuate my home because of a natural disaster, I would try to grab my pets, and hopefully at least my smartphone since my desktop would be too heavy, and probably my medication.

My three pet peeves… Screaming kids, barking dogs, and blasting car stereos.

Three things I would do if I wasn’t so afraid… I would not be afraid of spiders. I would not be afraid to get in a car and drive it. I definitely wouldn’t be so afraid of death and dying.

My three favorite TV shows… The original Charlie’s Angels, The Bionic Woman, and Twin Peaks. I also loved the original Law & Order series and Little House on the Prairie. But that’s five things instead of three.

If I could ask a genie to grant me three wishes, they would be to not worry so much about what the future may hold, to never have money problems again, and to remain happy and healthy for the rest of my life.

Writing prompt… Things you’ve done that you previously thought you could never do.

I smoked for about 18 years and I never thought I could get off of the damn things. I tried and tried and tried to no avail, then one day I finally succeeded.

Even a relationship seemed totally impossible at one point let alone a marriage of over 20 years.

Later…

Had a little bit of a scare early this morning after Tom went to work. It was the end of my day since I’m now on nights. I got in the bed and it felt like my heart was beating a little too hard. Earlier I noticed that I felt a bit short of breath. I told myself to calm down, it was nothing, and that I would be fine. I still ended up nervous enough to call Tom at work who helped calm me down. We think it’s because I ate a little more than I have in quite a while and my body was working harder to digest the extra food.

These things don’t scare me as much as they used to which is both good and bad, I suppose. Obviously, it’s a good thing that I was only a little nervous instead of absolutely terrified, but sadly, it means I’m getting used to them the more they happen. I don’t think these beatfests are ever going to stop completely. I just have a natural tendency towards tachycardia. It’s probably done this more times than I’ve noticed in the past, but I just didn’t pay much attention to it because it wasn’t something I worried about as much.

After my heart stopped racing I turned ice cold and I had the shakes really bad. I trembled so hard that I was worried for a minute I might actually bite my tongue, but that didn’t last longer than a few minutes.

I slept later than my goal, which is good since I still gotta flip my schedule, but it wasn’t without a wake-up call. No, it was traffic. Instead, I had a really sharp cramp-like pain in my very lower gut. I don’t know what that was all about but it was strong enough to wake me up.

Then after I did get up I was surprised when my period snuck up on me a few days early. This is the second month it’s been early. What is it with these things? First they’re late, now they’re early.

Right now I have a slightly funny feeling when I swallow, and felt these quick flashes of a cramp-like feeling toward the left of my heart where the boob meets the side. Can’t my body just leave me alone for once?

I had a dream I was waitressing in this restaurant and I doubted myself big time, knowing it was something I didn’t have the knack for. The woman training me seemed to sense my doubt and perhaps she doubted me as well. I assured her that if I kept messing up, we could both give me the boot. Then some guy at a table of 4 asked for tea, which I could barely see because the lighting was so dim in the place. I brought him a cup of tea with the tea bag inside of the cup and I wondered to myself if I was supposed to put the tea bag in the cup as I had or let the guy do it himself.

Writing prompt… Admiration

I admire those with patience. I admire those who can take the time to keep going over and over the same damn things with those who are slow to get things.

I admire those who can deal with those who just can’t shut up and aren’t good listeners because they’re too selfish to care what they might have to say when they feel the need to get something out.

I admire those who can keep a positive attitude no matter how bleak the future may look.

I admire those who can accept things as they are.

I admire those who know how to give up and move on when a fight to achieve something has been lost, and those who know how to keep going when the fight hasn’t yet been lost.

I admire those who don’t live in fear of what awaits them at the end of their lives and possibly beyond.

I admire those who don’t do the ‘what if’ game so often and can live in the moment only.

I admire those who aren’t afraid to be themselves and tell it like it is without making any excuses or apologies for thinking, feeling, and believing as they do, and for living their lives as they see fit whether it’s “normal” or not.

I admire those who know when to let go when somebody they want as a friend or perhaps more than just a friend isn’t interested in them.

I admire those who see the positive in the negative and don’t always focus on the negative only.

I admire those who don’t feel the need to push and control others and can just accept them as they are and simply ignore those they can’t accept.

I admire those who are there for their friends and family during the bad times as well as the good times.

Writing prompt… Books

I have always been a fan of mostly mystery books. I prefer to read books with lots of twists and turns and surprise endings, but even some of the more predictable ones can be entertaining, too. I’m not really fond of romance, comedy, Westerns, science fiction and things like that. I’m more of a mystery, suspense, thriller, and paranormal kind of person.

One of my favorite books was The Haunting by Ruby Jean Jensen. It was your typical ghost story but it wasn’t.

I like books that are packed with action instead of those where you read 20 pages and then realize nothing’s really happened.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, 2015 Really don’t have a lot to update on other than dreams. I’ll get to the journal prompt of the day soon, but that will be in another entry.

The only disturbing dreams I remember from last night was one where we had planned to go on vacation somewhere, but I was too ill to travel. I don’t know if I was just very sick or if I was actually dying, but what did seem a little unnerving about it was that my dream self seemed to think that it was the only chance I’d ever get to go wherever it was we were going to go.

In another dream, I was renting a place from a cousin of mine and was having to relearn how to do things all by myself instead of with somebody else. It was a rather sad dream, but I’m not worried about it because I would never live without Tom no matter how much money and help I had.

Tom was coming home from work or wherever in another dream where we had a double-car attached garage. I heard him pull in and I opened the door leading to the garage which was pitch dark. I must have been in a really cold place because the air that wafted in through the doorway was very chilly.

The last dream I remember was one of me dancing way better than I ever could in real life. Me and a few other nameless, faceless people were dancing for one of the characters in one of the books I wrote a few years ago, LOL, only she was going by the name of Rose Louise. The other girls were pretty average dancers, but I really blew everybody’s mind with my leaps, spins and jumps and all that.

Later…

Today’s journal prompt is… what scares me.

I have always been afraid of death and dying and the possibility of an afterlife. I fear dying a slow and painful death that seems to last an eternity. I also fear dying alone or with those that don’t really give a shit about me.

I used to be pretty certain that there was an afterlife perhaps because I wanted there to be one. I liked the idea of an afterlife and sometimes that’s all it takes for us to believe in something if we don’t look at the possibilities through a more logical and scientific eye. I guess I just didn’t want to think that this was it.

In recent years, however, I’m not sure what I believe. There’s nothing to prove that there is an afterlife but there’s also nothing to prove that there isn’t an afterlife. Since anything is possible this is something that has always been a scary idea to me as well. Not knowing what could possibly lie beyond and whether or not it could be even worse than our worst moments on earth is a bit scary. It is human nature to fear the unknown.

I’ve also been scared of the thought of losing Tom before I die, and knowing that I couldn’t go on without him and that I wouldn’t want to, but also being afraid to botch up my suicide and possibly even chicken out altogether at the same time I knew I couldn’t go on living. It would be just about the worst situation I could possibly be in to watch the one I love most in life die, know I couldn’t go on without him, but not have the guts to end it all. A lot of people believe it takes more guts to live than it does to die but that’s not the point. The point is that if you’re absolutely totally miserable, then guts don’t matter. Guts are pretty irrelevant if you’re miserable or suffering in any way. That’s like saying it takes more guts to keep your leg pinned under a boulder than to seek help, relief and freedom. This doesn’t mean I would advocate, promote and suggest suicide, it just means that sometimes it really is best for certain individuals if they no longer live, just like when it comes to people and animals that are suffering. It takes guts to walk a 30-foot tightrope too, but it doesn’t mean we should all do it.

I don’t actively fear being eaten by a pack of wolves or dying in a house fire or anything like that on a regular basis, but death, dying, and a possible afterlife, are very scary things to think about.

Later…

This will be my last journal prompt for the day, which speaks of plans. Plans that I currently have and plans that have fallen through.

I don’t currently have any grand plans at the moment. Nothing too specific anyway. There are still many things I would like to do, but I don’t have any deadlines or timeframes as far as that goes. They happen when they happen. My basic plan is just to keep happy, healthy and active both physically and intellectually.

As for plans falling through… you bet I have! Many times. I think the top two are definitely when we bought a 10-acre parcel of land and a brand-new home in Arizona. Also when we bought a 3-acre parcel of land in Oregon we planned to build a dome house on. Everything about that went to hell.

Life doesn’t seem to be what we plan for the most part, but more like one big unexpected accident. It seems we are more of a product of fate than actual planning, not that this is always a bad thing. Sure it may suck to get something in mind, map out a plan, and not be able to act upon it. But then something better may come along and you may be glad your original plans fell through. I actually find that the more I plan, the less likely I am to achieve. I could go on and on with all the plans I mapped out that never came to be, though I certainly did manage to nab some of them. I am actually glad that many of my so-called plans fell through in the end. My idea of “plans” wasn’t always very good.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 10, 2015 Life is still running in a predictable fashion, but a good one. No real complaints other than life’s usual annoyances we all have to deal with. I hope it stays this way, too. I don’t want any more medication drama in the future! On the bright side, I know what’s too much for me. All I have to do if I run into trouble is lower my dose. The only problem is that recovery takes time. It’s not like flicking a light switch off when it comes to these types of drugs. Levothyroxine takes time to build up in the body and time to leave it as well.

I should now be down 6-8 pounds but am only down 3.4 with what’s probably a pound or two of water on me at the moment. The plan is still the same… to stick out the rest of the month even though I don’t expect to lose much more than maybe another pound or two, then return to what I was doing before. That means I basically stay the same weight for as long as I can. With Hashimoto’s, you’ve pretty much got two choices. You can either gain weight or you can maintain it.

We changed the rats’ cage and went bike riding down the “rollercoaster” and around to the lake. We sat at the lake and watched the ducks and geese till my heart slowed down a bit. They watched us curiously, disappointed to find we hadn’t brought them any food, and then I followed Tom most of the way back which meant this speed racer had to ride slow, LOL. I should have worn a T-shirt instead of a long-sleeved sweater.

Right now we’re just hanging out relaxing and doing stuff online. He’s watching a movie now on his computer. I gotta stay up till 6am as part of my schedule-flipping plan and so I have a long night ahead of reading, movies, language studies, and whatever else I can think of to entertain myself and pass the time with. Maybe I’ll think of something more interesting to write about at some point during the night.

Later…

Perhaps I should use some of those writing prompts they have in order to help me think of things to write about besides what’s going on in the immediate moment. Sometimes I’m in the mood to write, but I have already updated what’s going on with me and so I don’t have a clue what to say. At the same time, there isn’t much about my life, past and not, that I haven’t written about. So if I were asked about my family, for example, that could be found within my entries.

Maybe I should randomly look online right now and just browse websites until I see something that might spark a good idea for a topic to write about. Okay, I saw a blog title about strange laws. Let’s talk about crime and punishment then.

Even though I’ve already said a million times before that I think the laws should focus more on what people do instead of what they say or write or think, I will say that this opinion has not changed. They complain and complain about how overcrowded the jails and prisons are, but think about how much room they would have for real criminals if they let the non-violent offenders go and just put them on probation and all that. I really think jails and prisons should be reversed for violent people only, as well as those who put others at risk. Take arson for example. Say you burn a building down and you don’t think anyone is inside it because your goal is to burn the building and not kill anyone. But you might very well kill someone by accident and so I can see a prison sentence for those people as well.

Those who commit or attempt to commit violent or sexual acts should be locked away probably forever. But I honestly don’t see the point in locking up some mother and taking her away from her children just because she might have a drug problem. So force her to go to drug rehab instead, for God’s sake, and don’t take her away from her children. It just seems like people stand to lose way too much if they’re locked up when they’re not even dangerous to society. I’m not saying we shouldn’t punish them, I’m just saying that I don’t see the point in taking people away from their jobs, homes and families simply because they might have stolen something or something like that. Fines, probation, counseling… I think that this is punishment enough, especially since it’s been proven a long time ago that harsher sentences do not deter crime. People think they’re invincible. They don’t think they’re going to get caught and so they don’t plan on getting caught. That saying “life isn’t what we plan it” rings truer than true when it comes to the vast majority of criminals.

Tomorrow I’ll start doing entries that cover stuff going on in the present, and then I will write entries based on prompts.

I place my smartphone in my bike basket to play music while riding. At one point I had to get off my bike to restart the music because I heard a text notification sound, which stopped the music, even though no new texts were visible. I later asked Alison if she texted me and she said no, because she knows I like to hang with Tom and others around the park on weekends. Now that’s someone with consideration, which I greatly appreciate. Wish more people were more considerate of others and their preferences instead of always thinking about themselves only.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 9, 2015 The hot redheaded chick from my dreams of two nights ago didn’t return to rub suntan lotion on me, but I sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. First the fucking traffic woke me up and then I woke up an hour before I wanted to. Right now I’m trying to flip my schedule for seeing my new endo doctor on the 19th.

Then I got up with a cramp in my shoulder and sore boobies as my period gets closer. I’m guessing it will be on time now that I’m back on the medication. Then I go to take a tinkle and get the shit scared out of me when I flush the toilet. The park obviously turned our water off again because it was spitting air at me really loud and that’s what startled me. That’s something like the 3rd or 4th time in less than a month, too. They really need to stop this shit before I seriously consider skipping out on a month’s space rent. I don’t give a shit how old these pipes are, if they had done it right the first time around and replaced everything at once like they should have, we wouldn’t have to keep playing these water games. This is why I try to avoid showering and running the dishwasher and the washer during the daytime, especially the shower in the dishwasher. The washer would simply wait until the water was turned back on, but the dishwasher’s motor could burn up. I won’t get into how pissed off I’d be if I got stuck with a head full of either shampoo or conditioner that I couldn’t rinse out for a while.

I live in a fucking luxury park yet they turn our water off and do absolutely nothing to regulate noise. As I said in one of my previous entries, you just need to be old enough, pay your rent on time, and keep your mutts under 25 pounds. They don’t give a shit what else you do.

I’m loving my new sneakers, but one of my purple glitter shoes likes to pinch my big toe and I have to stretch it out when I’m not wearing them by jamming a pair of balled-up socks in it or something like that. With the way I can fit into kids’ shoes and with the way they’re so colorful and shiny, I will never wear adult shoes again! LOL

Alison said that eating yogurt before bed can give her nightmares and it’s funny she should say that because I had a yogurt before I had that nightmare I had a couple of nights ago.

Later…

Speaking of that, Irene predicts Nane will contact me at the end of the month, but you know what? I don’t give a shit if she does or doesn’t. If she does, though, she better lose the hypocrisy.

When I was reading back on some of my old entries from a few years ago, some of it made me giggle at the silliness of it, but there were some parts like when I was stalked, followed and harassed relentlessly for years by a certain individual and her mother and that really pissed the shit out of me. Reading back on that I could feel some of that old anger surge through me due to what they put me through. Part of it is directed at myself as well because I feel I could have done a better job of making it harder for them to contact and pester me. The real frustration was them going through my friends to get to me. I was totally helpless there unlike with my own accounts. I still could’ve made my own accounts less accessible. I guess an even bigger part of me felt that by doing that I was allowing myself to be controlled by these nutjobs. Also, if I closed doors to them I would also be closing doors to other people that I might actually want to hear from.

Earlier I was thinking about how wonderful my life is these days. But sometimes even the best of lives could use some excitement to spice it up. I need something new and exciting and interesting to add fun variety to my life, but I don’t know what that should be. At the same time, I’m afraid to wish for any real action to come my way because it seems that whenever something happens to shake my world it’s usually not in a good way.

I will never ever forget the morning of January 6, 2000, as I slowly sauntered through the house thinking, well, it’s great that we’re all moved it, but now what? I’m bored silly and I need some excitement.

And then there was a knock on the door and I wasn’t the least bit bored for years to come. Fifteen years later and unexpected knocks on the door still makes me a bit nervous, not that people come knocking much in a retirement community.

Not that I’m exactly “bored,” but the things that seem to happen to cure any sense of boredom or familiar and comfortable yet sometimes old routine, are usually rather disastrous events. I don’t want to be left traumatized; I want to be left feeling like I felt during that magical week we spent in Hawaii.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 8, 2015 Not having kids was one of the best things I ever did. I got into a discussion the other day about what we feel is the best thing we ever did, and well, obviously meeting and marrying Tom was one of the best things I ever did, and so was quitting smoking. Besides that, not having kids was one of the smartest moves I ever made. Being stuck in so many places as I have been has made a real freedom junkie out of me over the years. I think it would for most people. Because I am too selfish to give up my freedom, I realize that if I had gone and had the child that I once considered having, my life probably would have been hell. It’s been hard enough fending for ourselves over the years, so to have added a third person to clothe and feed would have only made life all the harder.

Then you have the fact that they are incredibly loud, incredibly expensive, incredibly smelly (yes, I’ve changed diapers before), incredibly time-consuming and incredibly animalistic. I honestly don’t understand how most people do it. Okay, I can see where there would be some good in it, but for the most part, it just seems like an awful lot of hard work and money for so little in return.

When I got married in 1994, this was getting to be when it was becoming more common for marrieds not to have kids as the pressure on women grew to focus more on work. This isn’t why I opted in the end not to have kids, though. I didn’t care if it was more “hip” not to be a Mom. And I didn’t care if it was more “in” to be independent. The fact is that I had been forced to be a puppet on a string for so long that once my life finally belonged to me, I just didn’t want to give it up. Doing what you’re told if you can get paid for it and still have a life is one thing. But literally paying to give it up is another. I felt the intense need to live my life for me after all the drama I’d been through in the past.

Even though it means that Tom and I will grow old alone with no one to help us, I have never regretted this decision. It is unbelievably annoying to go to a store and have to listen to somebody else’s brat scream in my ear while I am trying to shop, so I couldn’t imagine having that in my house 24 hours a day. Even if you are willing to teach your kids manners, respect and discipline unlike many parents these days, kids are still kids and they are still highly uncivilized and noisy. There is only so much you can do to stop a crying baby, just like there is only so much you can do to stop a barking dog. It’s simply what babies and dogs do.

Where we would have come up with the money to afford it, of course, is another thing because I have been very poor for most of my life. We certainly would have had to give up so, so much in life and miss out on many fun and educational experiences. We’re not poor right now, but as I have learned, the past has a way of returning to haunt us. While it may be true that the closer we get to his retirement, the less likely it seems that poverty will bite us in the ass again, what can happen once can happen twice. And what can happen many times can happen many times more.

The biggest factor in my decision, more so than cost and noise, was definitely the freedom aspect of it. To be able to study languages, write books - even keep a journal for as long and as detailed as I have - would have simply been out of the question with all the time and attention the child would have demanded. When you think about it, we can’t even come and go as we please with just the two of us even when we can afford to because his job dictates when we can come and go. So I can just imagine how much more restricted we would have been if there were three of us.

My freedom means everything to me, right or wrong. Some person with power over me, if not circumstances beyond my control, stifled my freedom greatly as a child and into my young adulthood. Go through what I have gone through and you will see that your life is not something you’re just willing to just throw away so easily. The longer you have to spend fighting for your freedom, the harder it is to simply discard it. Eventually, that kid would have grown up and moved out on its own, of course, but the 18 or more years it would have been with us would probably have seemed like an eternity.

So… it was definitely one of the best things I ever did in life… to not have children. I not only help the population crisis, but I can’t count how many moms I’ve met who at the same time would tell me how much they loved their kids, would have a look of longing and regret in their eyes when they would mentally reminisce about their pre-kid days.

My advice to the younger folks of today is don’t do something just because you can. Think it through first! While it’s always a wonderful thing when we can focus on the positive aspects of things, it’s also important to focus on the negative as well so we can see the full picture. Some things have a lot more negative than we may realize if we only focus on the positive, causing us to dive into something all eager and happy until reality slaps us in the face… hard.

Later…

I should have added the worry factor to my last entry about why I’m glad I never had kids. One less person I have to worry about. It’s hard enough at times worrying about Tom when he’s out there in the big bad world. So to worry that some abused and twisted kid might go and shoot up the school the kid was at would have been a bit unnerving despite the odds.

Now I can bitch about my diet. Well, it’s not the diet that’s a problem. Nutrisystem works if you have a working metabolism that can burn calories properly. But mine is still too slow and I could kick myself for not knowing better. I’m definitely not going to lose more than the few pounds I’ve lost, though I have stuck to the diet religiously for over a week now and will do so for the next month. I don’t know why I thought things would be different this time around. After all, I stopped dieting years ago for a reason and that was because my body would not respond to diet and exercise. Then again it does respond to exercise. Exercising keeps me in good shape, builds muscle and gives me energy, endurance and stamina. No problems or complaints in that department, it’s just the layer of fat on top of it all that can’t be shed.

I don’t know why I felt the need to do NS since I’ve been on low-calorie diets before. I think that the fact that I never paid anybody to plan out my diet for me was an exciting idea and I wanted a new experience. I like the food and I definitely won’t be gaining any weight on this diet, but it’s not worth the money in my case. I can eat in a similar fashion on my own, taking in sugar, cholesterol and fried foods in moderation, so I will definitely be canceling my next shipment.

Meanwhile, some things we just can’t get the body to do. All we can do is try our best and then move on. For me, trying to get extra weight off would be like trying to grow taller. It’s not going to happen any more than I’m going to float or fly. The lost weight would have reduced health risks, but I was never unhealthy to begin with. Hashimoto’s doesn’t necessarily make you unhealthy as long as you treat it. So… I will continue on in the upper 140s where I have been since 2008-2009 or something like that. I could look a lot worse for my age and I know it.

Later…

I had several interesting dreams last night. In one of them, I was going to call Nane at work and surprise her. LOL, I would never do that even if she lived in my country.

My Italian foster mother was in one of the dreams too, but I don’t remember what we said to each other.

In another dream, I was in a large house and my parents and sister were present, along with a young (Asian?) couple that was arguing about something. They were notorious for arguing constantly and I was about to tell them to shut up when I noticed a bunch of papers piled on the kitchen counter. I said that the kitchen counter wasn’t meant for piles of paper, especially since it would make cleaning harder.

Then this really good-looking redhead came into the room and said that the idea was for me to clean around the papers. I was about to put up a protest but then the redhead told me that I won something. I’m not sure if it was money or dolls, but there was a large box of about five or six good-sized dolls that people were trying to win in a raffle. I don’t know who those people were besides myself.

I wandered into the living room, which was huge. The ceiling had to be 20’ tall. I looked upwards at the front end of the room and saw a fancy old curtain hanging down from the ceiling where a huge window ran along that area. In front of it was a huge dome-shaped skylight with a white sheet covering it. I realized this was due to the heat and sun and thought of how ideal the skylight and huge windows would have been up in Oregon

Next thing I know I’m outside on a chaise lounge sun tanning in a bikini. The gorgeous redhead sat down on the chaise next to me and asked if I wanted some more oil applied to my body. I said I would and I shifted from my back to my stomach where she slowly rubbed some on my back and even slower into my ass. I enjoyed the feeling and she seemed to enjoy that I was enjoying it. You know how I am, if something is good looking I don’t care if it’s got a dick or a pussy between its legs. I admire and appreciate the beauty of both women and men even though personality is most important.

The only dream that was a little disturbing was that I was locked in a room in a house with a woman and possibly a couple of toddlers because she was terrified that somebody was trying to kill them. She had to disable the alarm system in order to go out and check the mail and I wondered what was so important about the mail that she would take such a chance if she were in that much danger.

So I stepped out into the living room with her, and sure enough, as soon as she opened the door, a bunch of men barged into the room. I froze and wondered if I should just assume it was hopeless and allow myself to be killed, or if I should try to escape. Then survival instinct kicked in and I decided to try to make a run for it. The strange thing is that everybody suddenly disappeared and I was left alone with one little boy calling himself Arden. I knew that taking Arden with me would be way too risky as he would slow us down tremendously and we would both be killed for sure. I decided to make a run for it on my own and hopefully return with help to save him and anyone else who may need saving.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2015 And the Fast Five is done! It was not easy at times! I lost more inches than weight. NS said 5 pounds/1 inch, but I lost 4 pounds/2 inches. Don’t know that I can lose much more due to my thyroid issues, but that’s okay! I can always cancel at the end of the month if I decide to do so and aren’t locked into anything. Until then it’s on to the regular Core Plan where you should lose 1-2 pounds a week. I have 4 more weeks of food here. Clinically speaking, I’m only 21 pounds overweight so it’s not like it would pose a serious threat to my health if it didn’t come off… or if only some of it came off. Sometimes we just have to accept the body’s limits and move on. Meanwhile, my jeans are looser, my tummy’s flatter, and so I can’t complain.

I’m sure I’ll have other things to complain about today instead, like how noisy it will be here starting any minute now. Chainsaws, circular saws, mowers, blowers… you name it, I’ll be hearing it.

Had a dream I was to meet Aly, though I don’t know where. Then I got to at least have fun cheating in my dreams when Tom left some French fries sitting on the kitchen counter. When he wasn’t looking I gobbled them up, LOL.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2015 Thought I’d get in an entry before it gets noisy here. Yesterday was pretty awful. Turns out I blamed the wrong person for the sawing, though. It wasn’t Bob, it was the other asshole at the opposite corner. Even though they’re about 5 houses away, the sawing could be heard loud and clear in here because it’s a straight shot from their place to ours. There are no houses in between to block the sound.

There was also somebody sawing on the corner opposite them, but luckily for me, there are houses that block that one so it can’t be heard in the house. In fact that one can’t even be heard if I step outside. I would have to go down the street and around the corner.

I still don’t understand why these people can’t at least have the decency to shut their fucking garage doors. One of them, though, does not have a garage door. I could see some pretty sophisticated equipment setup specifically for woodworking projects at that place, too.

That’s 4 people into this shit on this little block alone. I just don’t get why the park allows for such loud racket. They designate places for the residents for gardening, for exercising… so why not this shit? I wonder if the park is even aware that this shit exists. Certainly they can’t be aware of the mutt left outdoors on the other side of the block. That thing is rarely, if ever, allowed indoors. My guess is that as long as you are of age, your mutts don’t exceed 25 pounds, and you pay your space rent, the park doesn’t give a shit what you do. Technically I could stand out in the street screaming all day, and as long as it’s daytime, it’s considered “normal” daytime noise.

We talked about soundproofing, but since soundproof windows are very expensive, we were thinking about these special wallboards that you add to your inner exterior walls. It would be sort of like adding an additional wall, only you leave a bit of space in between. This acts as a sound absorber. The only bitch to this is that we not only shouldn’t have to soundproof in a retirement community, but we would have to repaint these particular walls. We’re not even finished with the rest of the painting we planned to do. We did so much so fast that we felt we needed a little break. Plus, Tom was working so much overtime. We still have a lot more to do than just the walls.

Just saw a couple of squirrels chasing each other in the street. How cute!

It’s still quiet now, but it’s only just after 10 o’clock. For now, I try to remind myself how much noise I’d hear if we were in the mainstream. Yes, the saws are annoying. Yes, the landscaping is annoying. But here we don’t have to deal with welfare bums, college kids, the Brady Bunch, and loud music. I do sometimes hear car stereos off in the distance at night, but that’s more of a summer thing when they have the windows open.

I’m down a total of 3.6 pounds, which is better than nothing, but there’s no way I’m going to lose 1.4 pounds by tomorrow morning and be down the total 5 pounds they say you’ll be down at the end of the Fast Five. My metabolism is simply way too slow, though I’ve lost more inches than pounds. Again I am wondering if it really is worth it. Clinically speaking I’m only 22 pounds overweight, so maybe I should just keep on doing what I was doing before where I would eat sensibly during the week and a little more on weekends. Doing this pretty much keeps my weight in the same area as long as I work out, but I also understand that I’m a little more than a week away from my period so I’m going to start getting backed up in water and all that. I have until the end of the month to decide whether or not I want to keep going with Nutrisystem or not.

Tom guesses that I’m going to be down to 140 pounds at the end of the month, but I say there’s no way. I think I might make 145, though.

Last night I had a dream that somebody on Ask asked me what I feed the rats. I said that I have eggs every other morning for breakfast and then pancakes on days that I don’t have eggs, and that I share that with them. In reality, I have cut unhealthy foods such as these out of my menu. I only have them when I go to restaurants.

Later…

Well, Alison has proven that she can still be a liar at times. I was looking at the newest users listed at the bottom of the front page on Prosebox when I came across one I thought sounded like something Kim would create. Sure enough, I found that I had been blocked by that account. I then logged out so I could view it from the outside looking in so long as the account was set to public to see if it was really her or not, and it was. It let me block the account in return, though I don’t know how. I didn’t think we could block accounts that have blocked us first, but that’s not the point.

The point is that I still can’t fully trust Alison because she wouldn’t admit she was the one that blocked me after telling me she created that account to post shit along with Kim. Well, first she said they both run the account. Then she said that she made and runs that account. Well, if that’s true then she’s the one that blocked me.

I told Aly that I “found” the account, making it seem like I could see into it just fine and asked if there were any other accounts of Kim’s I didn’t know about cuz I wanted to block them. She said just that one and the one she made last week (which I blocked), but when I logged out of Aly’s public book another Kim account appeared that had blocked me. So either Aly’s lying about there being just two accounts or Kim changed the u/n. My guess is she did change the u/n.

In asking that she give me future links to block, I explained that I realized it may be a bit hypocritical of me to ask her not to give her any links of mine while I ask for hers, but come on, she knows who stalked who. Yet she just won’t see Kim for what she truly is. All she says is that I may have my reasons for not liking Kim, but she would rather not talk about it and doesn’t want to get in the middle of things. Either way, I’m sure Kim will block me the instant she creates the dozens of accounts she’ll no doubt create there, but any chance I get to deny the stalker the chance to act like the victim suits me well.

MONDAY, JANUARY 5, 2015 Still losing weight, but it’s going agonizingly slow, and again I’m wondering if I can lose as much as is average in any particular time frame because of my slow metabolism, but we’ll see. This is day 6 of the Fast Five. I should be 140 pounds by the end of the month, but I have a feeling I won’t be under 145.

The diet isn’t leaving me as tired during the daytime as it was the first day or two, but I’m definitely sleeping longer. Slept 10 hours last night.

Yesterday turned out to be a fun and productive day. I tried that carrot recipe where you bake them at a really high temperature coated in sugar-free maple syrup, and it was okay. Nothing great, since carrots are still carrots, and I’m not really big on the things.

Alexa is on the way! That’s that Amazon Echo thing. Can’t wait to play around with that. We were one of the few selected to buy her at the low price of $100, probably because we do so much on Amazon. Tom said if he could only use one site it’d be Amazon. You can shop there, play games, download books, listen to music, watch TV and movies, store stuff and so much more. The only thing it lacks is a blog. I’d choose them as well if it were the only site I could go to. I work for them too, and sell books through them.

We’ve been contemplating signing up for Netflix, but we’re not sure yet. We went to the Goodwill yesterday and they had a pretty lousy selection of knickknacks. Tom found some cables he could use and I ended up getting some incense even though I swore I never would again because of the mess it makes. I got 4 packs of 20… peach, strawberry, vanilla and opium.

After that, we went to Payless and I got some really awesome things. Even with the $5 gift card we had it still didn’t cost much. I could have gone and gotten expensive running shoes that would last for years like the Ryka’s that I won nearly 8 years ago, but I would rather get something I like that doesn’t last as long.

Kids’ shoes are simply more colorful and shinier, and I really wanted Velcro closures. I can fit into women’s size 5.5 or girls’ size 3.5. I ended up with a pair of shiny black sneakers with neon colors. Then I got some purple glitter shoes that were practically free, and a nice new pair of white slippers with silvery threads through them that fit me a lot better than the cheap Joe Boxer slippers I got a while ago.

Lastly, I got a pair of hot pink liners that you put on before you slip into certain shoes to make the soles of the shoes feel more comfortable to your feet. The liners aren’t visible in the way that anklets and socks are.

Had a dream that Tom was standing at the side of a large pool when a polar bear walked by and dove into the water.

Then Alison posted a blog about somebody she knew or knew of that had been raped by her gym teacher. In it, she pleaded for anybody who had also been victimized to come forward. I accidentally found a blog in which a niece of mine on Tom’s side of the family had mentioned me, but I don’t remember what she said.

In the last dream, we had company, and as I heard the doorbell ring, I cleared the kitchen table so we could all sit at it. I picked up a weight loss award that Tom had received and thought it strange that they would give him such a thing when he hadn’t yet reached his goal weight (I guess he was doing NS, too). I was just entering the living room when Tom opened the door to 3 or 4 guys who asked if I was home. I greeted them and proceeded to invite them into the kitchen, explaining that there was more room there, but they seemed to want to remain in the living room. As usual, the house looked nothing like the one we live in.

It’s going to be a sunny week here with highs in the 60s. I can just imagine how much racket I’m in for, too. I’m sure Bob will be reaching for that damn saw any day now. He was trimming trees in front of his place last Friday, but nothing noisy. I heard movement here and there when I was on that side of the house, but that was it. Nothing loud that could be heard throughout the place.

Later…

I am so fucking pissed off because Bob is back at the sawing. I had a bad feeling about that too, that he would start that shit anytime now. Some people, no matter how old they are, really don’t give a shit about those around them. I don’t care how deaf he may be; he’s still gotta have common sense. Any idiot with half a brain has got to know the thing is tremendously loud to someone living this close to them.

Tom says we’ll start soundproofing soon but what does he think we are, rich? We can’t afford to soundproof the 7 windows that are on that side of the house, 3 of which are odd sizes. Even if we could, shouldn’t the one generating most of the noise be the one to pay for at least some of it? Talking to the office does absolutely no good at all because they’ll just tell you it’s just “regular” daytime noise. Yeah, being loud, rude and obnoxious is “normal,” folks.

I am just so fucking sick of getting problem neighbors every single fucking place I go. If you can’t live in peace in a retirement community, where can you live in peace? It is like it is so not meant to be for me. Semi-quiet weekends and quiet nights are not enough. I want quiet weekdays, too! Like 3 or 4 of them a week and not just 1 or 2.

If we’re really here when they die, I would literally pay the realtor that shows the place to beg any prospective buyers not to ever own a power saw, or to at least promise to always use the damn thing on the other side of the house.

Even if the windows were suddenly soundproofed, I wonder just how much sound would come through the walls and up through the floor. Houses made of brick or stone and that are on concrete slabs deflect sound better than raised houses with wooden walls.

I was reading back on some of the last talks I had with my mother before she died, remembering how out of it she was getting and how signs of senility were shining through over the phone and across the country. It’s easy for me to say that I would beat the shit out of her for the years of pain and suffering she inflicted upon me both physically and especially emotionally. But sometimes I wonder if that would actually be easier said than done if she magically appeared, for example. Why? Well, because I’m just not her. It’s as simple as that. There are only a few people that I could literally have fun slowly torturing the shit out of, and that’s the people that fucked me over in Arizona. Not even the evil housemother of Valleyhead warrants such brutality. I’d never forgive her but maybe with a genuine apology, but there’s no need to torment Donna A.

You can tell by all the stars that I spoke this entry into Google, can’t you?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 4, 2015 This is my weight loss progress so far as you’ll see below. In order to lose the whole 5 pounds during the Fast Five, I’d have to wake up at 146.4 on the 7th, and no way. Just no fucking way with my shot thyroid/metabolism. My body’s already fighting to hang onto its weight… just like always. It initially lets a few pounds go, then stops no matter what I do. This is why I haven’t dieted in years. I should’ve known better, too. What did I think, that my Hashimoto’s had gone away or something? Unless I’m sicker than a dog or totally starving, my body’s not going to give up its extra weight. The money’s been spent, though, the food is here, and so I’m still going to stick to it. Nobody can say I didn’t at least give it an honest shot for the first time in half a decade or so, though Tom thinks the weight will go.

01.04.2015 (03:50): 148.4 lbs 01.03.2015 (02:30): 148.6 lbs 01.02.2015 (00:30): 149.6 lbs 01.01.2015 (06:00): 151.0 lbs 12.31.2014 (00:00): 151.4 lbs

Had to resume my Nasalcrom because my nose has been getting a little stuffier and sneezier lately.

When asked why I don’t just refer to people as “she” or “he” or “they” in my journal – well, I write in Word and copy from there. I started paper journaling in 1987 and digital journaling in 1995 and have always used real names, though almost always just first names. It’d be a real pain in the ass to switch all the names to she, he and they. Also, my philosophy is that if you’re afraid of being named – even just on a first-name basis – then you probably have something to hide in which you feel ashamed. Guilt is usually what makes people hide their identity.

I can understand the whole privacy thing and how some may not want their bosses to look them up and find out personal info they may be too embarrassed to know they know, but still… if someone’s afraid of first names, then they’ve almost certainly done something they fear could be used against them. Well, I can’t and won’t be responsible for covering the asses of the guilty. If you’re a friend of mine, of course I can use a little more discretion. But if you’re someone who’s screwed either myself or someone else in the past, then you should’ve thought of the consequences of possible exposure before you screwed up.

In last night’s dream, we were living in an apartment that was part of a long, single-story square-shaped structure. It mostly contained apartments, but there were a few stores. Inside the square was a huge parking lot. You had to go through these large metal gates to get in and out.

It was a dark, rainy morning and Tom had just left to go somewhere. Not sure why, but I left the apartment and went to sit in our other car. I had one of the rats with me. I then got out of the car by myself and went to the gate. I was a bit alarmed to find it sitting slightly ajar, knowing Tom would have shut it all the way. I hoped someone had just come in to go to the little convenience store that opened early and wasn’t after me or anyone else in any kind of way. Sure enough, I saw someone moving about in the store and felt relieved.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 3, 2015 Turns out my San Antonio visitor was really an NS member who bookmarked my blog, not Molly. Oops. I unblocked her IP# after she asked if the blog had been hacked, saying that she’d see it for a few seconds and then get redirected, LOL.

I’m now down 2.8 pounds after 3 days of Fast Fiving! Still gotta see myself get under 145 pounds to believe it’ll keep working with this dead thyroid of mine. Well, I’m now at 148, even if I may look 20 pounds lighter with the muscle I have.

The hunger has been a real killer. Yesterday started off bad, but then I was okay later on. I also had a headache Tom says is from the hunger, and he (and others) think the anxiety I had was also due to the stress of the super low calories. No wonder they don’t recommend doing this for more than a week! It’s incredibly hard on the body and a reminder of just how cruel it is for those who insist on breeding in third-world countries to keep doing so. No, the pull-out method may not be 100% foolproof, but it sure would lower their starving, suffering population really fast if they exercised some common sense. As they say… a little common sense really can go a long way!

As for my own starving ass… it’s going for a bike ride later this morning despite the freezing cold. Damn, do I wish I lived in a tropical climate!

Had a bunch of weird dreams last night. In one dream several different parks in this area were having a talent competition, and then in another Tom told me the house was all paid for.

I was then working on a laptop while Tom sat nearby reading a magazine or something. People went by our window talking really loud and I commented on it being distracting.

In the last dream, I had 6 kids and 1 miscarriage, LOL. I bounced a toddler on my lap and said to Tom, “Who would have ever thought I’d have so many kids so late in life? I wouldn’t have had that one miscarriage if it hadn’t gotten bumped out.” I guess I bumped my stomach on something. Then I said, “Had someone told me I’d have all these kids I’d have laughed. Would you have believed it?”

He shook his head and I asked, “How old are my kids now anyway?”

Tom shrugged and said, “I don’t know. I guess they range from 2-4 months to 6 years.”

FRIDAY, JANUARY 2, 2015 I am now down a total of 1.8 pounds. I still have to see myself lose 5 pounds after the first week in order to believe it. I’m not going to really get excited unless I get under 145, because anybody can lose a few pounds.

Yesterday we went to the grocery store so I could stock up on vegetables… carrots, cauliflower, butter lettuce, radishes, alfalfa, green beans, yellow squash and light Ranch dressing. I have these in between meals and especially when the hunger gets really bad, but veggies will only fill you up so much. It’s kind of strange how yesterday was easier than today. Yesterday wasn’t that bad, but today I woke up really hungry and I’ve been that way ever since.

After we returned from the store we walked down to the clubhouse and back. Actually, I ran most of the way and waited for Tom to catch up as he walked, haha.

The bad news is that I was sitting at my computer when an anxiety attack hit for about 60 seconds. Thank goodness Tom was home but it was still a bit scary. My first thought was that I was going to get sick and like I might be having a bad reaction to the vegetables. It started with that funny feeling in my head and then my heart started racing like crazy. Tom thinks I just got overheated and did too much with too little in my stomach, but I don’t know. I hope he’s right and I really hope this doesn’t become a regular thing again. I’ve never had this shit happen to me before last summer. There are actually two types of anxiety I’ve experienced. Yesterday’s quick attack, and then an underlying raciness/jitteriness, which can become more than just physical when negative emotions accompany it. That’s when it was at its worst and I hope to hell it doesn’t get to that point again.

Tom had to remind me that an anxiety attack doesn’t mean that you’re anxious about what’s going on with your life. I don’t care what causes it; I just don’t want to deal with it again. I was just about ready to venture out on my own here and there with the workouts, but now I’m afraid to once again. Trust me, you don’t want to have an anxiety attack when your heart’s already elevated from working out. It’s a good thing that Tom’s gotten into working out as well because I will always work out with him. Even if he’s not working out while I’m working out indoors, I want him to at least be here while I’m doing it. I just don’t feel comfortable knowing these things can creep up on me anytime, anywhere.

Once upon a time, I had the threat of asthma attacks hanging over my head, and now I have this. “You learned to manage the asthma attacks and you can learn to manage this, too,” Tom told me. Yes, but I would really rather not have to.

I received my toe rings yesterday and it’s too bad they’re a little big for me because they’re really nice. Oh well, I can at least wear them as pinky rings.

Yesterday we cleaned the oven with Easy-Off and it really stunk like hell. Sure looks better, though, even if we don’t use it much.

Last night I dreamed that we were living in a house that was attached to somebody else. There wasn’t just a dividing wall, but also a large window. I could look through it and see a TV straight ahead. Three people sat just under the window watching the TV.

There was another dream where I was squealing with childlike delight at some whale show as the trained whales jumped out of the water.

Later…

Whoa! Had a racing heart earlier after I was done listening to loud music through the headphones. I know loud music can elevate our pulse, but still, this isn’t exactly a good start to the New Year. It took a while for me to get it to slow down and even when it wasn’t beating very fast it was still kind of hard. I also had that feeling where I was short of breath and I now have a slight headache as well. I feel better lying down but I didn’t want to lie in bed all day either. Too much to do around here.

Really, really hope this doesn’t become a regular thing again and that it’s not tied into the medication. I absolutely do not want to go through this again. It is a sad, frustrating and even scary way to live. I briefly entertained the idea of my first chill pill in over a month, but now I feel okay. I will just try to take it easy for the rest of the day and not do anything too physical. Come to think of it there isn’t really that much to do anyway at this point. I already worked out, the house is clean, and the laundry is almost done, so there really isn’t any reason to do much else for a while, but get up and get an Ibuprofen for my headache.

I already did my Dutch lesson for the day, so maybe I’ll go do some editing and then some reading. If it stays quiet I might even catch a movie on Amazon.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 1, 2015 Written in Citrus Heights, CA Age: 49

So glad 2014 is gone! Even though only a third of it was scary for me with the medication nightmare, 4 has always been my least favorite number. It’s just very unlucky. The rest of the year sure was great, though.

Been here a year and a half and we’re still finding things that don’t work here, like the oven’s self-cleaning function. Really, what’s the point of paying hundreds of dollars for a home inspection if they’re not going to tell us everything that’s broken? I’m sure the lazy people who lived here before us knew it, too. Someday we’ll replace this 31-year-old oven (at least I think it’s that old), even though we rarely use ovens/stoves anyway. We’re modern, microwave kind of people.

A little disappointed to be down just half a pound after day 1 on NS, but I guess that’s better than nothing. I still worry my metabolism isn’t fast enough for this (or any) diet. My body simply cannot burn calories like a normal person. So right now being down at least 5 pounds in just 7 days seems highly unlikely. We’ll see, though. I’m still gonna stick it out!

Yesterday I was OMFG kind of hungry. I was so famished that going outside and munching on grass in between meals would’ve seemed like heaven. The first day is always the hardest and was it ever! But the food was delicious. My next order ships on the 29th, so that gives me time to make any edits I may want to make to my menu. Going to the grocery store later on for some fresh produce.

I’m learning the science behind the diet, like how important it is not to stuff yourself with big meals and all that cuz of how food is like cigarettes – the more you have, the more you want. This is so true, too. On days I’d eat a lot I’d often wake up super hungry the next day. If you enlarge your stomach, you will need to put more into it to keep it full and satisfied.

I’m also learning ways to dress those healthier foods up without adding tons of calories. Anyone who knows me knows I hate carrots. But they have a recipe where you coat peeled, raw carrots in sugar-free syrup and bake them at 500° that may be the only way I can stand the things. Forget celery, though. No matter how you dress that shit up I’ll still hate it!

Not gonna log my water and food on NS’s site, but just my weight and measurements instead. I know what I’m eating and I know that I drink 64 or more ounces a day of water whether I’m dieting or not.

[1kook]

attachment: 1 image

— jjk x (f) reader

summary; But for Jungkook to initiate some sexting, nevertheless sexting at 1pm on a Saturday, when you were at work and you were almost positive he was supposed to be on stream right now? Unheard of, you had to mark this down somewhere. warnings; sexting, dick pics, dirty talk?, phone sex, vivid depictions of jungkook being just so sexy bc its true, rating; mature (18+) misc; mentions of youtuber kook 🥰, he’s just horny, stupid selfie trends (see here), he’s a little whiny but so hot v.v  wc; 4.6k 

notes; I've had this in my drafts since april 😐 n then i was like maybe we should actually finish this so i started n then last night i hit another follower milestone!!! so then i rlly forced myself to finish this bc i was so 🥺🖤👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 anyway enjoy lmk what u think its not proofread bc uhhhhh yeah 🤩

You’re at work when it happens.

It’s sometime between your usual listless thoughts of what to write for your weekly reflection papers for some course, and your trip to your store’s pharmacy to bother a coworker. Your phone vibrates in the pocket of your work apron. You’re normally pretty good at ignoring the sound, most of the times it’s just a classmate asking for help on homework or Jimin lamenting his love life, so you’ve grown used to ignoring the tiny vibrations, stocking a quarter shelf of different cooking oils before something in your brain tells you to check your phone.

You already know it’s not something grave, but that thought alone means nothing at the sight of the tiny jungkook♡ that appears at the very top of the list of notifications. Your boyfriend’s texts tended to be wildcards, never following a certain routine or alluding to any specifics. He could send you a long paragraph on how much he misses the scent of that one shampoo, the one you’d briefly run through last year because your usual brand was out of stock, with a ten point explanation on why you should switch back to it. Or two word, caveman sentences that drove you crazy because you never understood what exactly he wanted when he’d send those nondescript “munchies dip” texts.

You unlock your phone, clicking to the messenger app instead of directly on the notification. Hopefully the preview will give some warning on whether you should invest in this conversation or not. You hated the read receipts on messages, choosing to ghost conversations as you pleased, but Jungkook had wiggled his way into your phone one afternoon and specifically turned them on for his chat with you, and you’d never turned them off since. So he knows if you choose to ignore Attachment: 1 Image at 1:43pm exactly, and he'll pester you about it until you respond.

You contemplate it all for twenty seconds. It could be a variety of things, you guess, but the only way to find out is to actually see with your own eyes what he’s up to this time. He knows better than to distract you at work, is usually really good at waiting until your shift is over to spam you with messages. For him to send you something now, only a few hours into your shift, is uncharacteristic of him.

But you glance down the aisle anyway, taking note of some elderly woman you’d helped a few minutes prior and another teenager aimlessly walking around, probably looking for the snack aisle. You inhale and press down on your chat with Jungkook.

It takes you a moment to make out exactly what the image is, twisting and turning your phone around as you fight to see it without raising the brightness. It’s only when your eyes finally adjust to the dark screen, the faint beeping of the check-out registers fading into the distance, that you realize it’s a shot of the front of his sweatpants.

“Hm?” you murmur, getting brave enough to pinch the image between two fingers, zooming in until you’re able to decipher a multitude of details. For one, there’s a Flaming Hot Cheeto stain on the hem of his sweatpants, the same one you’d accidentally put on there a few weeks back and haven’t been able to wash out since. Then there’s that huge palm of his, tattoos and all, rested carefully against his thigh. It’s veiny and thick in all the right places, bringing all the attention to his knuckles, which you guess is what he was going for when you consider the centerpiece of the image—his hardened dick straining against the grey material.

There’s no text attached to the message, no snapchat font slapped over the image, so you wonder what exactly he wanted you to do with this information mid-shift. Well, realistically, you know exactly what he wants, but that doesn’t mean you won’t clown him before getting there. After all, Jungkook was seldom the naughty texter; sexting annoyed him, he would whine, because he would do all that and not even get to feel the true pleasure of sex, of being inside you. You’ve dabbled in it here and there, but it never went as perfectly as it did in pornos. He’d drop his phone and forget it, or you would straight up ignore the damn device as you went all in on yourself.

But for Jungkook to initiate some sexting, nevertheless sexting at 1pm on a Saturday, when you were at work and you were almost positive he was supposed to be on stream right now? Unheard of, you had to mark this down somewhere.

you what’s this about?

You decide to play it safe, because as exciting as the image of Jungkook at his computer chair, cock hard and angry at the thought of you, fluffy hair ruffled in that way you adored, jaw twitching and tightening as he touched himself, moaned deep and rough and just how you liked and—

As nice as that image was, for all you knew this vague message was Jungkook sending you a picture from a week ago to purposefully fuck with you at work.

jungkook♡ what time u get off? jungkook♡ miss you bad baby

Your stomach flips, and it takes everything in you to not squeal and bounce between the shelves like a toddler on a sugar rush. Here was your boyfriend, the cutest, sweetest boy, sending you dirty pictures of himself and telling you how much he needed you. Yes, YOU, not some random on the street, or someone else in a club, Jungkook needed pleasure and that pleasure could only come from you.

You glance back down the aisle again, checking your surroundings for the second time that day. You’ve been standing here, stock cart empty for a little over five minutes now, so it’s probably best to change location lest your manager come barking down your neck. You send one quick text before heading off for stock again.

you 4pm :(

Your phone dings again just as you’re leaving the stockroom, but you decide to check it once you get to the hygiene aisle you need to work on next. Still, the prospect of Jungkook having texted you has you walking with a skip in your step, one your coworker teases you about when you pass by her.

jungkook♡ fuck jungkook♡ tell me what panties youre wearing jungkook♡ please ?

You bite your lip, stopping yourself from smiling at the tone you’d picked up from his message. There was no doubt he’d been riled up for a while now, and you wonder if he sat through his usual Saturday morning streams with his cock hard, pushed against the edge of his desk like you knew he did when such things happened. The thought has you nearly fumbling with a bottle of aloe vera.

you seamless black thong you the one you bought me at the last vs sale

Briefly, you wonder if you should have lied and told him you were wearing that red lace set he’d given you last Valentine’s Day, the one he’d bought with his first big YouTube check. But the beauty of being in a relationship with someone like Jungkook is that you could have told him you were wearing grandma undies and he’d still think you were the most beautiful person to grace the planet.

jungkook♡ mm jungkook♡ tiny ones u ruined last time?

You set your phone down, speed stock a row of sunscreen like you’re on some shelf stocking national competition, before daring to text Jungkook again. Your cheeks are still warm, and your hand tightens dangerously around a bottle of shaving cream.

Before you can formulate some response, he’s sending another one in.

jungkook♡ u soaked those jungkook♡ came fast that day jungkook♡ want u so bad

Your cheeks burn, a little embarrassed that he remembers such details. As with all Victoria’s Secret panties, they were, like Jungkook said, extremely thin. You pause, shift your stance just barely, but you’re definitely wet. Not terribly so, but with this fabric, you’d start to notice it sooner than with others.

you mm you makin me wet bunny

It’s not a complete lie, but knowing Jungkook this is exactly what he needs to hear to get that competitive streak going. You shake your head to clear your thoughts, stocking another section of men’s shaving cream. It takes longer for him to message you back, and you wonder if he got off fine on his own. If it’s over now, at least he provided you with some distraction midway into your shift.

When he texts you again, you’ve almost completely convinced yourself he’s finished, so the Attachment: 1 Video that appears on your lock screen throws you for a loop.

It’s a short clip, no longer than ten seconds, but it has you scrambling to lower the volume on your device as some unsuspecting mother of two wanders past. You flash her your practiced smile, the same one you give all the store’s customers. Not like your boyfriend is jacking it off on your phone, shallow pants filtering out from the speakers.

You turn your phone over carefully after she leaves, try to at least pretend you’re still doing your job as you play the video again.

Sweats are gone, but boxers remain. Legs deliciously exposed, thick thighs with muscles that ripple when he moves. Shirt pulled up just slightly to showcase that broad expanse of tummy, cute belly button and defined abs that tighten with each glide of his palm over the outline of his cock. Your mouth fills with drool at the sight. He was so hot.

Your brain hasn’t even processed it yet, all your energy directed towards your clenched pussy, when he shoots another text.

jungkook♡ im so fckin hard jungkook♡ wanna kiss yuo every where baby jungkook♡ come ove r soon ??

Shutting your eyes and counting to ten doesn’t help ward off the sudden wave of horniness that consumes you, but it does remind you of the job you’re supposed to be doing now. You shake your head, as if the image of Jungkook’s dick throbbing beneath his boxers, low voice in your ear, will magically disappear. It doesn’t, and it plagues you even more when you begin stocking a section of sunscreen, numbly instructing yourself on what to do next. Shaving cream, sunscreen, lotion next, you repeat.

It doesn’t help.

Two minutes later and you’re scrambling for the phone you’d hastily tucked into your apron pocket, tapping your passcode in until your messages with Jungkook are pulled up again.

you after work you promise

Your head is absolutely spinning, the coil in your stomach too tight for you to try and be a functioning member of society. Something in you says to sneak off to the bathroom and call him, but your boss is a little bit of a prick when he wants to be, thinks you take too many bathroom breaks as is.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. A curt call of your name has you whirling to face your shelves again, phone tightly pressed against your ribs like maybe it’ll melt into your skin and he won’t see it. At the same time, your sudden fright has you scrambling to turn it off, fingers sloppily pressing against the buttons, hitting the volume like seven times before you eventually feel the familiar click that signals it’s off.

Your boss disappears shortly after, and with his sudden appearance having made every hair on your body stand, you find yourself now slumping against your stock cart. Jesus, that man was a handful to deal with.

The paranoia sticks for a little bit, has you stocking shelf after shelf like a robot until you finish the entire row of hygiene products, back stiff from bending over so much. It’s only when you return to the stockroom ten minutes later that you dare take your phone out again.

A pleasant surprise awaits.

It would appear that during your haste to hide your phone from your boss— Jungkook’s scandalous messages and all —your frantic hands had done something else. A fuzzy picture on your end, a blurry display of lotion bottles you had stacked just before your boss’s impromptu appearance, with no words to accompany them. Normally Jungkook would have ignored that; you frequently sent accidental messages like this, butt texted him, he says.

But there’s something about Jungkook’s horny brain that makes him do stupid things, makes him blow up your phone with a series of question marks, call you four times, whine and fuss in your message thread, and eventually, send you probably the oddest image to date.

jungkook♡ ??? jungkook♡ ????what is that jungkook♡ baby please jungkook♡ I don’t get it ??

jungkook♡ Missed Call (4)

jungkook♡ baby jungkook♡ what does it mean jungkook♡ please ur drivign me insane jungkook♡ jsut wanna hear yuor voice jungkook♡ fuck please just

And then, there’s another one of those cursed Attachment: 1 Image messages.

You shouldn’t be as surprised as you are. You’ve been dating Jungkook for a few months now, know he had that sort of unique personality most college dropouts turned YouTubers do. But every now and then the absurdity of his actions makes you question him still, makes you wonder what exactly goes on in that pretty head of his to warrant such ideas, makes him balance a bottle of body lotion on the thick outline of his cock like this.

Unlike the first few images, this one was taken in front of a mirror. The blinding fluorescent light in his bathroom paints him in a stark color, has every inch of his pretty face on display for you. Rosy cheeks, dewy skin. Perfectly swollen cock straining beneath his grey boxers, curved up against his hip. Shirt pulled up, finally freeing that expanse of muscles on his abdomen, cute little belly button on display once again. The red material is pulled up to his mouth, pearly white teeth biting down on the fabric, and he’s got this flushed expression on his face.

But the real star of the show isn’t his chiseled abdomen or sexy expression, but the sheer hardness of his dick that lets him balance a bottle of body lotion over it, like a fuckin’ shelf or something. He’s so hard, dick so full beneath his boxers. So big too, the little boxers pulled taught around said engorged cock and thick thighs.

Your brain says to laugh, to tease him for being such a clown even when he’s horny as hell. He won’t take it to heart, will probably laugh along with you and you’ll add it to your still growing list of funny memories.

But your caveman libido says call him, so that’s what you do, ducking down behind a new shipment pallet with a squeak as the phone rings. It only lasts four seconds before he picks up, voice breathy and low, but it sounds so loud in the silence of the stockroom.

He doesn’t even let you get a greeting in. “You like my picture, baby?” he husks. It sounds like he’s right there, right beside you, speaking into your ear. Your pussy throbs at the way he sounds. Paired with the picture from before, it has your body tingling all over.

“What the fuck is that?” you hiss, trying to not let the sudden overflow of arousal leak into your words. Jungkook chuckles.

“What?” he huffs. There’s the brief sound of shuffling, the scratchy noise of his phone presumably being pressed against his shoulder. “I’m so hard, baby,” he sighs before you can pretend to reprimand him any further. “Fuck— you, can you just talk to me?” he groans, and the disgusting sound of him spitting into his palm fills your ear.

Your face feels warm, eyes nervously peering across the stockroom like your boss will suddenly appear now of all times to rip you from this important phone call. The anxiety and arousal mix weirdly, have your leg bouncing but every new movement sends a shock up your aching cunt to your chest, and then out to the tips of your fingers.

“You shouldn’t be doing that when I’m at work,” you murmur hurriedly, moving to nervously bite at your finger. Jungkook moans softly.

“Uh huh,” he says.

The air conditioning turns on and you nearly jump out of your own skin. “Kook,” you stress, frazzled by your own burning arousal and the fear of being caught. Like you said. Weird mix. “I— not when I can’t respond.”

He shudders on the line. “You’re responding now,” he points out. You hate when he’s right. Before you can defend yourself, define what a proper response is in this scenario, he’s beating you to the punch. “Baby,” he whimpers, voice so airy yet low, makes your eyes roll into the back of your head, back unconsciously arching. “Couldn’t stop— fuck.”

Your mouth feels dry, all and any form of lecturing fading from your thoughts as you become consumed in Jungkook’s little whines and whimpers. He talks smoothly, a modern day Casanova, and it’s certainly because of that cult-like harem he’s gathered on YouTube. Teenage girls who kiss his ass, tell him he’s cute and dreamy. Make his ego so big.

But then he gets horny and can barely contain that lisp you tease him about, shivers and melts when you put his cock in your mouth. “Couldn't what, bunny?” you mumble, voice drawn tight because now you were really horny, and it was all his fault.

The nickname makes him mewl prettily, your speaker suddenly going scratchy as he fumbles with his phone. “C- Couldn't stop thinking about you— your mouth,” he admits, and now you’re certain he’d sat through that Saturday morning stream like this. “T- Tits,” he adds, lisp slipping through. “Fuck.”

You bite your lip, eyes fluttering shut as you remind yourself now was not the time or place to get yourself off. But, well. That didn’t mean you couldn’t get him off. “Sat through your stream like this?” you murmur, circling your kneecap with a trembling finger as if it’ll ward away the raging lust in your abdomen. Jungkook confirms with a breathy moan. “Had all your little fans wondering why you ended so early.”

He groans. “No,” he chokes, voice hot from how much it wavers. “They— I lied,” he confesses out of nowhere, “s- said I had a doctor’s appointment.”

You muffle a giggle into your palm. “Naughty,” you tease. “Too hard to do your job.”

“Just,” he cuts off, voice feathery. He sounds so close and you haven’t even said anything of substantial value yet. “Tell me,” he says quietly, “what to— mmh, what to do.”

A smirk consumes your features. You try to hide it, but there’s no one here anyway so you’re left grinning at an unpacked box of dental floss like a madwoman. “Why?” you inquire playfully, bask in the sad little whimper he responds with. “Shouldn’t you know how to make yourself cum?”

Another groan of frustration, desperation seeping into his tone when he speaks again. “Baby, please,” he begs, and it feels good. Feels nice to have this big YouTuber begging for you like this, whimpering your name like his doesn’t appear on the top 25 most viewed. “Like when you— ah — when you tell me… what to do.”

Your body feels hot, thighs pressing together with each whimper that falls from his lips. “Okay,” you concede, and he audibly moans in relief. “Tip first,” you instruct softly, eyes defocusing as your brain slowly starts to manifest the image of Jungkook spread out on his bed. Thick thighs, grey boxers pulled taught around them, fat cock between his pretty hands, inked knuckles squeezing around his member. You swallow. You can tell exactly when Jungkook does as you say because another muffled moan fills the speaker. “One finger,” you remind him quickly, head spinning from the mere memory of his dick. “Run it… run it over the slit, bunny.”

“Nngh—“ Jungkook sputters. You can only imagine the face he’s making now, the bottom lip he’s bitten raw by now. He does it a lot; it’s a nervous habit. But as sexy as it looks when you’re in bed, you know he has sensitive lips because of it, bleeds easily if he’s too harsh. You have half the mind to remind him about it now, but then he’s hurriedly gasping out for more. “And, and then? Wha— what then, baby?”

He sounds so sweet, melodic voice dripping with honey. “Touch your balls,” you say a little breathlessly. “Don’t squeeze,” you add, “just roll your palm over them.” Your palm squeezes against your thigh, as if it’s remembering the feel of his body, the soft skin between his thighs when you’re down there. He gets so jittery, thick thighs nearly crushing you if you drag him along too much. “O- Other hand on your cock,” you stumble, thighs squeezed together. “Stroke yourself just like I do, bunny.”

Jungkook complies. “Just like you?” he mumbles, suddenly sounds farther away. As if he’s dropped his phone off to the side. “Fffuck,” he grunts, “m- mouth is so pretty.”

“Hm?” you inquire, so consumed with tampering down your growing arousal for a second that you miss his sentence.

Jungkook’s breath stutters, and for a moment you’re met with the wet squelch of his cock in his hand. And then, “pretty mouth… make me— make me wanna see you cry.”

You bite your lip. “Why,” you say tentatively, finally caving in with a hand fluttering over the front seam of your jeans. Not a question, more of a gentle nudge for him to spill his thoughts.

“Be- Because,” he cries, fucking into his hand. He sounds closer and closer. You have to wonder just how long he had been riled up. It’s been a while since his first message, he was probably desperate by now. “Y- You’re so nice,” he cries, and the sentiment, though oddly out of place, makes your heart squeeze with adoration for the boy on the line. “Wanna be,” he groans, “wanna be so fucking mean to you, baby.”

The sudden change of tone makes you choke on a moan, hand pressing against your mound like it’ll somehow penetrate the thick material of your jeans and give you the sensations you crave. As it stands, it’s a muted feeling you get instead. When your hands fail, his voice compensates. “Fffuck, don’t you— don’t you think about it too?”

Admittedly, no.

Jungkook had always been a gentleman in bed. Always cared for your needs before his own, went out of his way to make you feel pampered and adored during your most vulnerable moments. Contrary to what his online persona might say, he was a good boy. Sweetest boy you knew, touched you like you were made of glass.

So to suddenly learn of this dream— fantasy? kink? —of his that you would certainly enjoy equally as much, well. It made you whimper into your palm, eyes worriedly flickering toward the stockroom’s entrance.

“Why?” you whisper, feeling like a broken doll repeating the same phrase over and over again. You’re suddenly aware of how hot everything was. Your polo felt sticky against your spine, apron too tight, jeans too stuffy. How long had you been hiding in here for? You don’t even know. Hopefully your absence on the floor had gone unnoticed.

Jungkook pants into the line; everything sounds so sticky and wet on his end, hand undoubtedly working away at his cock. “Shit,” he curses, doesn’t really answer your question until you prod a second time. “I- I like it,” he stammers. “When you… fuck, when you look small.” He elaborates before you can even ask, breath heavy and drawn out. He was so close. “When your mouth… when it hurts,” he says, thoughts a scrambled mess. “Like when you— when you cry because my cock is— it’s too big for you.”

A blatant ego boost you’ll ignore for now. Not like you can focus on too many things right now anyway. “Your cock is big, bunny,” you agree softly instead. Your legs feel cramped from crouching so long, so you push yourself to your feet. Except then you’re made aware of how fucking wet you are, panties soaked from the phone call with your boyfriend. You shift and they stick to your folds, make you release a shaky exhale that Jungkook doesn’t miss.

“I— you’re wet,” he says boldly, and this time your meek confirmation isn’t a lie. Jungkook grunts. “Fuck, baby, I—“ cut off by his own whiny cry, probably bucking into his hand like a madman by now. “Wanna, wanna kiss you everywhere,” he says, a call back to his earlier message. Your legs feel like jello. You want him to kiss you everywhere too— lips, tits, cunt that is dripping for him now.

“I- I’ll be over soon,” you stammer, feeling like you’ll pass out if he carries on any further. He sounds so good on the line, soft pants, rough growls. You can’t possibly listen anymore, not when you’re so wet and horny in the middle of your shift. “Just,” you pause, can’t get the image of his pretty cock out of your mind. Every blink makes it more vivid, reminds you of the vein on the underside, the exact shade of the tip.

“What?” Jungkook hisses, voice higher than usual, parts of it lost under the rapid movements of his hand. “Tell me, baby, tell me what to do,” he begs hoarsely, “I’ll do it.” Sounds so desperate and needy, two seconds away from busting all over his hand.

You have to lean against the wall of the stockroom to ground yourself, remind yourself you’re not in the same situation as Jungkook and can’t cum in your pants like a teenager. “J- Just cum,” you choke, eyes fluttering shut.

He must’ve been waiting for that command, because the second the words leave your throat he’s filling the line with breathy groans and cries as he comes all over himself, probably ruins his t-shirt. The sounds have your hips unconsciously bucking forward into nothingness, the frustration of not being able to cum with him manifesting in the form of a tiny little sob. Luckily, he doesn’t catch it.

When it’s all said and done, he’s left panting into the receiver, flooding your speaker with breathy sighs that only make you more and more aroused.

“You’re terrible,” you frown, cheeks flushed, body tingling. You flip your wrist over and check the time; it’s been about sixteen minutes since you disappeared from outside. Sixteen minutes of listening to Jungkook touch himself and moan and whine and whimper. Tease you with new possibilities you had never considered before. And now he’s satisfied and you’re not.

Jungkook chuckles, low and tired. The sound shoots straight to your cunt. “Come over after you shift,” he says, as if you’re not planning to fake a severe case of the flu right now in order to get off early and run to his bed. You only had a little less than two hours of your shift left anyway. Not like they paid you well to begin with. Jungkook shifts, releases one of those saccharine groans as he probably snuggles into his bed, all sweaty and worn out. “Want you to fuck my face, baby.”

You frown, counting to ten to calm yourself down. Another few minutes of listless conversation, and you hang up. Your body feels featherlight, a little woozy as you make your way back out into the floor.

Nothing has changed. Customers pour in and out, your boss scolds you for a display you didn’t do, and life inside the store drags on. No one knows that you’re soaking your panties to hell and back, Jungkook’s soothing moans in your ear. Life goes on.

you shift ends in 20

jungkook♡ sweet jungkook♡ got your seat ready jungkook♡ Attachment: 1 Image

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[sweetsbfreex]

my baby, my baby

brought to u by me watching IW for the millionth time

Summary: You ask Steve for one thing before the fight against Thanos (IW), but for the first time in however long he denies you of fulfilling this wish.

Warnings: language?

Pairing: Nomad, Bf!Steve x thanos daughter!reader

-

He was manning the quinjet, not all the way true. Sam was flying the jet to Wakanda, Steve slumped in his seat beside Sam, in deep thought. His chin is set into his palm, his arm sitting up on the armrest, and his palm covering half of his mouth. Looking further down his leg was jittering steadily.

What would happen next was a pretty big deal, none of you on the jet knew what could go wrong. So obviously tensions were at an all time high in this cooped up jet. 

You rise up from your seat between Wanda and Nat. Walking yourself behind Steve’s chair. Your pointer finger taps his embellished shoulder, separating him from his apprehensive thoughts. He looks up at you and the creases that were once prominent in his forehead evaporated. 

You don’t utter anything, only nudging your head behind you. 

Follow me to the back.

Is what’s reciprocated when he too gets up from his seat, letting Sam know he’ll be up front in a second. Once you turn, he follows you down the small aisle to the side “room” away from all the prying ears. 

Finally.

You step into the room first. You weren't going to lie, your heart was beating with so much force and it only grew as he walked past you into the room. You close the door behind you, turning, so you're facing Steve's attentive figure. 

You only smile at him to some extent, prompted to show there were no ill intentions to asking him back here. When you see how nervous he looks, as you take his hand seating the both of you to a bench against the wall.

Your knees tenderly touch. He clears his throat coercing you to go on, raising an eyebrow in confusion. 

“You alright doll?” he asks you, in a gentle manner. Taking the already linked palms shifting it from your lap to his. His other hand blanketing your combined hands. 

“I’m okay. Are you?” you ask the question hesitantly, raising your spare hand to move aside the hair that fell over and veiled his eyes. You desperately wanted to make sure you got a good look at his face. You loved his face.  

His cheeks go plump in a charming smile, and his hand squeezes yours back. 

His hair was long. Longer than you would’ve ever imagined Steve would let it be. Either way you loved every inch of the gold locks. Yet, everytime you told him how much you loved it, despite his insecurity and slight annoyance with it. He'd always fall into a rampage down memory lane. Telling you how his late mother would've hounded him about the upkeep of his hair.  

You adored that about him too. Loved, that he loved so hard and so full. He’d never forget the ones he loved no matter what. 

“I’m swell, you don’t need to worry about me” he tells you. 

You didn’t believe him one bit and you weren’t going to push him about it. You knew how he was...stubborn as ever. But, it was also ,by and large, your job to worry about him–– after loving him of course. Contrary to what he would say (Which was vice-versa.)

“We’re gonna be okay...okay? But I have something to ask you. And you can’t get mad.”

“I’m not promising that, but we won’t shout. We’ll talk it out–– whatever it is”

It was the best you were going to get from him and time was closing in on you guys being able to be like this, anway.  

“I know how you are, but this is a really critical thing we're fighting for here. So, unless I'm in some type of grave danger. I don’t want you worrying about me on the field. No matter what...Make sure he doesn’t get that stone.” Your voice lets you down towards the end, starting to get scratchy and low. 

He stands up in no time. His hands going to his belt, then to his hips, he finally raises one hand to run against his beard.

His facial hair, another thing in the endless things you loved about Steve Rogers. 

When the stubble he usually shaves away kept growing into a full beard, it surprised you both. You in a hot kind of way, he became more adoring by day when decided to stop shaving. 

You walked in on him one day. He was facing the scratched up mirror in a bathroom in a dingy hotel room. Running his fingers against his face, the other clutching onto the edge of the counter. Tilting his head back and to, eyes shifting as he looked over his face. It was another part of the effect of the serum he didn’t expect would happen. 

Telling you a story as he wandered down memory lane again. How he had problems growing stubble as a sickly kid–– so behind on puberty. He even watched Bucky grow his first “stache” at sixteen, but that came to an abrupt stop when Bucky’s mother made him shave it off. 

Steve thought It was weird to think that he could now also.

You were still sitting on the bench. Swiveling your body so you were facing your boyfriend, looking up at his fidgeting build with care. 

Feeling like a child waiting for their parents to dispute whatever impending punishment they would grant. 

“Why would you ask me that?” he finally, finally disrupts his silence. Scoffing at the offensive question. 

He doesn’t look at you with anything negative, only confusion.

“Because. I don’t want you jumping in front of whatever it is in front of me...I know him, he’s my dad. He’ll do anything to get what he wants, even if it means I die.”

When Steve told you that it was actually Bruce calling and told you what he said. He looked at you baffled when the shirt you were about to put on dropped from your grasp.

Once you told him you had knowledge of Thanos and how you knew him, there was a pregnant silence in the air.

If anything it filled the rage towards Thanos in Steve even more, by the time you finished. 

“Are you listening to yourself?” he questions you in disbelief, lips stuck in a sneer.

“Please. Just please, angel.” you maintain.  

You don’t answer either of his questions and he truly hates that. He stays silent for a bit watching your seated figure, looking up at him with the saddest eyes you’ve ever given him. His puzzled eyes shift down to your bobbing leg and your hands wringing together with so much speed and anguish.

He could probably throw up right now.  

And when he shifts his eyes up again, you keep that same look on your face waiting for him to say anything.

He sighs dejectedly, dropping his hands to his side, and walking himself back over to you. He sits closer to you than before. Extending a gloved hand to caress your cheek before fixing the flyaways from your sleek ponytail.  

“I can’t. You’ll always be my priority, and I won’t promise something like that sweetheart” he tells you this languidly. His thumb starts to rub circles against your cheekbone, to calm you down, when he catches the way your eyes widen at his admission.  

“Steve!” your voice breaks. So shocked, you can’t hold back the tears that build up and fall slowly over your face. 

You couldn’t believe this. He’s supposed to love you. Time and time again he’d always remind you how much he loves you and how he’d do anything for you–– too hard to say no to you, his words. Thinking this over you pull your face away from his hold, looking down at your taut hands. This wasn’t a silly death wish. You had to make sure your father didn’t get what he desired, no matter what. 

He hates having to watch you cry, but he doesn’t have much of a choice now. He needs to stand his ground, there was no way he would be arguing about this. And he does this, grabbing your face with a light hand,  so you were face to face again. 

"I love you so much. And if I have to choose between letting you die and Thanos losing. Or you living and watching the universe crumble, you know exactly what I'm gonna choose. I'm not losing you, not if I have anything to do with it"

Albeit how dumb it sounded, there is no notable instance in his life where’d let you perish over him. 

“You’re not thinking this through” you hiccup.

“It’s you, isn’t it? There’s not much to think about”  he smiles at you and as you look at him you can see his eyes glazing over. 

His statement only causes you to cry more. You feel nothing but the pain in your heart and the repositioning of your body. It takes you a moment to realize you’re settled on his thighs sideways. His well built arm warmly wraps around your shoulder, your temple rests against his shoulder, and his lips are placing light kisses to the crown of your head. 

You incline your head, “I love you too much” you say in an awed whisper, raising a hand to twirl in the strands at the back of his collar. Following that, you let your hand spread across the back of his neck pulling him down for a kiss.

“After this we’re done okay? We have our pardon and are going to buy whatever house you want to get. I’m gonna buy you the prettiest engagement ring money can buy, Gonna get whatever animals you want,” you chuckle at that part.

If there was one thing Steve learned while living incognito with you is that you’d save any animal if you were able to. Always stopping whenever you passed by any animal in need in the drary streets. Looking up at Steve, who’d always have to remind you that neither of you could give it the life it deserves right now. Opting to only go to the nearest convenience store to buy whatever safe animal food in sight. 

His hand immediately clutches your face to wipe away the tears that fell without pattern. His smile grows fonder when you do the same.  “‘Can paint the house whatever we decide...maybe even get a house big enough to fit the kids we’ll have?” he tells you the last part in such a timid manner, bearing one of his hands to clutch yours. His thumb running over your knuckles at full tilt. 

The only thing you were able to give him was a stunned look. So shocked you were unable to react like a normal person. 

You squeeze his hand tight only being able to stutter a “really?”

“Of course. I want to have a bunch of small Rogers with you, wreaking havoc around our house” he admits this to you, carrying out such strong eye contact. If his hand didn’t slither down your back, supporting you up and grounding you, you’d jump in glee. 

Fuck. Neither of you had talked about this, but you were glad that you both were on the same page about his. You felt terrified but in a good way, wanting to wholly get this over with and start this dream life with Steve. 

“And this is all gonna happen, because everything is going to go well. We’re gonna win, I don’t want you thinking like that or asking me something like that ever again. Thanos will never be on our list of priorities ever again.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I can’t wait to start that life with you” you respond, winding your arms around his neck, crashing your lips to his with force.

He pulls away without notice to place hasty kisses to your cheek, loving the giggles you emitted. Even so, the energy in the room shifts too soon when Sam knocks on the door. Steve allows him entrance. 

“Sorry to interrupt, but we’re about to land Cap”

Steve responds by nodding his head once, stiffly. Letting him know he’d be out in a second. 

You get off of his thighs, so the both of you were standing chest to chest. He claps your worried face. Pulling you into him with little force, so his lips could fall to your forehead, nose, and lips. 

“Remember what I said and be safe, I love you”

“I love you” you recite, bringing his hand down to kiss his covered palm.

With that he envelops you in his arm, his cheek resting against the top of your head. Both of you breathing each other in. Your shoulders relaxing at his loving touch. 

He’d do whatever needed to keep you safe and if it ended in his death, then so be it. You’d do the same for him in a heartbeat, there was no point in either of you arguing this one out. 

––––

Everyone was tired, it seemed like this fight only dragged on with the never-ending monsters. But, with the help of Thor (of course) it seemed like things were only getting positive from there. With the way he rendered lightning, destroying things into dust, you were ready to end this once and for all.  

And when a cloud of grey smoke appeared out of thin air, and a large titanian appeared. You knew this would either be the ending or the beginning of all these troubles. 

“That’s him” you falter, turning to Steve. You give him a quick once over, nothing the way he eyed your father. A menacing, scary look on his face and the furrow of his eyebrows only grow. 

“We have eyes on Thanos” he says into the intercom.

It’s like time stands still for a few seconds, no one moves a muscle. You haven't seen this man in years. You feel as if he doesn't recognize who you are as he glances over everyone, like they're roaches in his kitchen. 

Yet, in a blur, everyone takes their chance on Thanos. Trying their hardest to somehow, someway take this Titanian down. Bruce gets thrown with a shout, Branches entwine Nat, and Sam drops from the air smoothly. 

At some point you hear the grunt of Steve, who somehow gets some punches in, his hands clutching the gauntlet. He shouts from the hefty weight and in a swift motion is stock-still on the ground from the punch he endures. 

“Steve!”

Without a choice you run towards Thanos, your adrenaline kicking in. Kicking in punching only to use your hands to grasp around the metal. You knew towards the end; you were no match for him. 

“Please! Please don’t do this. Dad please I’m begging you” you plead profusely, but he only looks down at you emotionless. “Please, please, please” you cry, your head hangs low for a bit before you raise it up again. “This won’t fix anything! You–– you…JUST TAKE IT OFF” you scream, knuckles colliding with the gold.

You try so hard to think of anything to turn his mind, but he only looks at you like a stranger. Not the little girl he recruited and used to look at with some kind of affection. His type of affection, if you could even title it that, affection. 

Sure, he raised you to be a ruthless killer and thief, but you’d do anything in this key moment to change his crooked mind. 

“You don’t get to call me that again. You chose your path...I always knew you’d be the one to let me down the most” he says all this with so much venom. 

You cry as you're lifted in the air, by his gauntlet hand, and thrown against the bark of a tree. 

You're in a daze. The only things securing you back is the hand against your cheek and a booming, choked up "no". Hearing it a distance away.

You open your eyes to see Steve in front of you, your name on his lips almost incessantly. But when you open them, your eyes quickly move to Thor. Who’s a few feet away from the two of you, shocked and angry. The remnant of smoke in the air. You knew he did it.

“We lost?” you ask Steve, tears already forming in your eyes, as he carefully lifts you to his feet.

He doesn’t get the chance to answer you, though. 

“Steve…?” It’s Bucky, You both look towards him to see him fall slowly, disappearing into a brown dust. 

You both look on, shocked all while Steve tries to drag himself and your weak body to Bucky. But it’s already too late. 

“Buck?!” Steve calls out, but there’s no answer.

You watch on in disorder, stomach plummeting with every second that pasts.  Your eyes catch Wanda looking onto Vision's body in sorrow and as you do, she turns into brown dust.  It was frightening and you were speechless. So much happening around you, you weren’t sure where to look. You weren’t who was going away. 

The hand against your spine, holding you up, starts to feel faint and a headache you had suffered from earlier comes back, but ten times stronger. 

“My head hurts” you tell him, your words come out slowly as your mouth starts to feel numb. You drop your head to his shoulder. “Stevie...I can’t feel your hands” you blubber, chest heaving as your breathing picks up. Everything was happening so, so fast. 

He lifts your head, “Hey, you’re alright sweetheart, you took a hard hit. Just a bit banged up, gotta stay awake in case it’s a concussion” he reassures you.

You don’t believe him and when you look down at your right hand to see it crumbling away little by little. You lift your wrist up, hand gone. You look down to see the brown dust below your view. 

You didn’t want to go. You had merely planned your dream future with him. It wasn’t fair your father would be the one to rip that away from you.

“No. No, you’re alright, stop that” he condemns, bringing your other hand to his bruised lips imperatively. Watching as it climbs up and up, half of your shoulder  already gone. 

“I’m scared. I love you so much Steve”

“I love you so much doll, feel like we’ve been saying it all day” he tries to joke, eyes roaming all over your face. He had to make sure he had your face recognized to a t, even if it was in a manner of pain. 

And you do the same. You weren’t sure where you were going. Were you even dying?! You couldn’t tell, all you knew was Steve and some of your friends wouldn’t be where you were going.

You laugh despondently, low, and mirthlessly knowing how much he needed that laugh at the moment.

“No. I’m gonna––” you start, but never get to finish, because at that moment. In a flash, he’s left with the sight of the soot falling in a sway, like leaves tumbling to the ground. Staring at him gloved palms to see nothing of you there any longer. 

He does nothing but stand there for a few minutes, recollecting the exchange. Not only was his best friend gone, but so was his best girl.  

He had one fucking job. Keep you safe at all times. Not only did he let the whole universe down, he let you down. You were gone. He can only think about the moment you both had on the jet, telling you, you had nothing to worry about. Because you guys were going to win and now she is gone.  He let you down in the worst possible way imaginable. You were gone…

He repeats this to himself, losing hope each time that you would be back in just a second. 

He turns around to see his friends observing him and once he notices that Sam is no longer among the group it only increases his agony. 

“Cap?” Nat mumbles.

“FUCK!” he breaks. Ripping the gloves off his hand before he sets himself against the ground–– his body feeling heavy. His head is in his hand, body heaving roughly as he cries quietly.

Everyone is stunned and takes a step back to give his face, not remembering the last time they’ve seen him this broken or the last he’s had an outburst resulting in a curse word. 

He isn’t sure how he’s supposed to live with this guilt or without you by his side. In spite of that,  there was no way in hell he wasn’t going to try and find a way to bring you back.

– – – – 

realized while writing thing i am not creative...this (beginning) was literally a scene

if you enjoyed pls don’t forget to reblog or give feedback if ur up to it <3

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

Playing with fire

Summary: August Walker was the new chief of the fire station in town. He could have every girl in town. Except you. Because you didn’t want to be just another number in his long list of conquests. But just once wouldn’t matter... right?

Pairing: FiremanAU!August Walker x Nameless OFC

Wordcount: 3.3k

Warnings: Smut (dirty talk; unprotected sex; oral)

A/N: I did it! I finished my entry for @evnscvll​​ 3K challenge. The next time I pick Firefighter AU and Beyonce’s Ego somebody please slap me. Anyways. Hope you enjoy

Masterlist

Taglist in reblog

It's on, baby, let's get lost

You don't need to call into work 'cause you're the boss

For real, want you to show me how you feel

“It’s almost 11,” Beth called from the front of the store.

“And?” You called back, distracted by the task of refilling some of the pints at the display counter.

“It’s friday,” she clarified, impatient.

“Oh…” You hummed, picking up your mug of coffee as you head outside.

It was a hot summer day. The little ice cream parlor you opened last year would probably be filled to the brink most of the day. So you allowed yourself these 30 minutes every Friday to relax and dream. Dream about the firefighters across the street that were doing their weekly workout routine outside, whenever the weather allowed it.

“He’s back,” Beth whispered as you sat down next to her.

“Who?”

“Oh you know fully well who I’m talking about.” She rolled her eyes, hiding her grin behind her glass. You turned your attention to the other side of the street, your eyes going straight to him, even if he had his back to you.

August Walker was the chief of the fire station and was well known for his strict methods and his endless charm. To you, he was the guy who did everything to get into your pants, despite your frequent rebuttal.  You were better than that and refused to to be just another number on his very extensive list of conquests.

It was almost as if he knew you were talking and thinking about him, because he turned around, catching you looking at him. August winked, making you sigh and look away. It was your turn to hide your smirk behind your mug.

“I don’t get it. Why don’t you just let him rail you?” Beth asked.

“Please keep in mind you’re still talking to your boss,” You replied, even though you knew it was pointless.

Yes, Beth was your employee, but before that she was also your best friend and immune to your mood. She had been down on her luck when you decided to open your own store so it made perfect sense to hire her. She was so excited when you told her you wanted to sell self made ice cream that it was impossible not to hire her on the spot.

“Well, boss,” she started with a teasing smirk,  “I want an answer to my question.”

“Look at him,” you pointed out, turning your gaze back to watch him.

“I am looking at him.”

“He could have anyone. He knows exactly what he is doing to the ovaries of everyone who has some around him. He walks like his dick needs his own postcode. Yes, he is hot. But the way he just… Carries himself, like the world is at his feet? I’m better than that.”

You could hear August shouting across the street at his firefighters making pushups. A part of you hoped that he would join them, so you had some nice images you could fall asleep to tonight.

“Oh shit.” Beth cursed next to you. August had pulled off his shirt, and joined the work out.

“And you’re saying no to that?” Beth asked. You bit your lip as you watched him, crossing your legs and feeling your core pulsating.

“I am.” You gulped.

A knock minutes after you closed the store made you sigh.

“We’re closed.” You shouted from the back, returning your attention to the task at hand just when you heard another knock.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” you groaned, dropping the dish cloth on the sink and moving to the front of the store. Beth had left an hour ago, but you still wanted to make sure everything was spotless before you head out. You froze at the door when you saw him standing outside.

August Walker in the flesh.

From the moment he set residence in your little town, rumours about him started flying. Some said he was a criminal still being searched by the CIA, which you thought was ridiculous, but you knew he was released from prison before coming here

He never told you why he had been imprisoned, you weren’t that close, but you two talked a lot. When it was just the two of you, sometimes he would let you have a glimpse of the man behind the facade he built around him.

Yes, he was the cocky, overconfident leader of the firestation, who knew exactly what he had to do to get what he wanted. Yet, when you didn’t give him what he wanted, you seemed to become a challenge for him and those August couldn’t resist.

“What do you want, August?” You asked, cleaning your hands on the apron you were wearing.

“You have some ice cream left for your favourite fireman?” He asked grinning.

“I don’t know. Did you bring Carl?” You shot  back, with a smirk.

“Ouch.” His hand flew to his chest over his heart. You rolled your eyes before you opened the door. He leaned down, kissing your cheek as he walked past you and waited for you to close the door. You watched him as he walked in, wearing only sweatpants and a Tshirt, leaving little to the imagination. He knew how handsome he was, and he made sure to let the outside world know.

“Don’t you have some work to do? Some fires to extinguish?” You asked.

“I did have to actually save a cat from a tree today.” He said.

“You did not.” You laughed.

“Yes I did.” He leaned over the counter as you came back with a cup full of vanilla ice cream.

“I only have vanila left.” You said looking at him.

“Oh sometimes I really like some vanila.” He smirked.

“I might be tiny, but I am going to throw you out if you keep that up.” You rolled your eyes.

“I’d really like to see you try.” He looked at you, and the air seemed to be thicker. You looked into his eyes, your focus on his lips for only a tiny second before you busied yourself, portioning some ice cream for him.

You didn’t want to be another number on August long list of women he slept with. Yet you could feel him looking at you, undressing you with his eyes.

“There you go.” You whispered, pushing the bowl of ice towards him.

“No sprinkles?” He hummed. Looking up you gulped. He somehow got closer to you, his face only inches from yours. His tongue dared out, wetting his lips and you sighed.

“Why won’t you let me kiss you? Just once?” He breathed. You gulped, mesmerized by his oceanblue eyes, when you shook your head, and took a step back.

“Because you are going to break my heart.” You sighed. “You can keep the bowl, close the door behind you, yes?” You asked, not waiting for his answer as you turned around to walk back into the kitchen. You heard him sigh, the door closing behind him.

Bumping your head repeatedly against the wall you sighed.

When you got back to front you saw him walk away. Shaking your head you frowned when you saw that he must have forgotten something on the counter. It was a map of the city. Some buildings were circled red. Shrugging you took the map, intending to give it back to him the next time you saw him.

I consider myself lucky, that's a big deal

Why?

Well, you got the key to my heart

But you ain't gonna need it

I'd rather you open up my body

You felt watched the minute you stepped into the bar. It took almost an hour before you found out why. At the other end of the room sat August. He nodded at you once you caught his eyes, making your sigh internally.

“What’s going on with you?” Beth asked. She had nearly demanded for you to go out together. If you wouldn’t let August fuck you, she needed to find someone else. Her words not yours. Arguing with Beth was a losing game, so you put a dress and some heels on and just went with her.

“He’s here.” You said as you looked at her.

“Who?”

“Mr. “My Ego is as big as my dick””

“Oh and how would you know that?” Beth grinned, waving once to where August was sitting before she looked at you again.

“Because there’s no way he’s not big.” You took a sip from your Gin Tonic.

“So you have given it some thought?”

“My conscience has some very detailed ideas of just how.. gifted he is.” You mumbled.

“You had a sex dream with August?” She said a little too loud, causing some heads to turn towards you.

“Maybe a little louder. I think he didn’t hear it.” You groaned.

“Just… let him fuck you. Sex does work without feelings, you know?” She said encouragingly. Looking at her for a moment, you didn’t know if it was the alcohol or you just fed up with fighting against what was there between August and you. Emptying your glass you jumped from your seat.

“How do I look?” You fidget with your dress.

“Perfect.” She winked. “I’ll open up tomorrow. I don’t wanna see you until the afternoon.”

Usually I'm humble

Right now, I don't choose

You can leave with me

Or you could have the blues

“Are you following me, Mr. Walker.” You asked, making sure to sway your hips on your way over to him. He looked good with his buttoned up black shirt, the sleeves rolled up over his elbow.

“I would say yes, but that would make me a creep, wouldn’t it?” He asked, making you chuckle. “No. I was actually supposed to meet up with an old friend, but apparently I was stood up.”

“Oh and we can’t have that, can’t we?” You bit your lip.

“What are you suggesting?” He asked, bringing his bottle of beer to his lips, his eyes not leaving yours.

You leaned down, your hand on his shoulder, your lips against his ear. “Follow me and find out.” You whispered, kissing his cheek before you turned around, not even trying to hide your grin. You weren’t even out the door, when you felt hands on your hips.

“Your place or mine?” He whispered against your ear.

“Which one is closer?” You shuddered, his hand wandering down your body.

“Mine it is.” He growled against your ear, one of his hands on your stomach, pushing you against his chest. You could feel the hard outline of his cock pressed against you, making you moan quietly. You didn’t question that he seemed to know where you lived.

“I can’t wait to have you screaming my name.” He mumbled, nibbling on your ear. You melted against him, your panties becoming uncomfortable damp, as your mind took over, thinking on just how he would feel inside of you.

He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

He got a big ego

Such a huge ego

Turning in his arms your answer died on your lips as his crashed down on yours. It felt like something clicked. Holding onto him, as he deepened the kiss you didn’t care that you were standing on the sidewalk, making out like teenagers.

“Fuck.” He whispered against your lips.You opened your eyes, not even noticing having them shut in the first place. A whistle behind you made you look away from him, biting your lip.

“Your place. Now” You whispered.

“Fuck, August.” You cried out, your hands clutching the soft sheets of his bed.  As soon as the door to his apartment shut behind him he had dragged you to his bed, stripping you off your clothes, before he buried his face between your thighs. He had you coming on his tongue in minutes, not giving you a chance to catch your breath when he pushed two of his fingers into your core, making you moan his name.

You were on the brink of an orgasm again, when he stopped, pulling his fingers out.

Panting you looked up at him.

“You gonna cum on my cock the next time.” He growled. Slowly pushing yourself up, you kneeled on his bed. He was still fully dressed. You helped him with the buttons of his shirt, your lips kissing up his chest with every bit of skin underneath, until you pushed it off his broad chest. There were scars on his chest. You would ask about them some other time.

His hands worked on the fly of his pants, before he pushed it down, revealing what must have been the biggest cock you had ever seen. That he was going commando wasn’t a big surprise to you. Biting your lip you reached for it, your hand barely closing around it, pumping it slowly.

“Fuck.” He hissed, throwing his head back.

“That’s gonna be one tight fit.” You joked, wondering how he would fit.

“Oh sweetheart. I’m gonna be gentle.” He breathed, kissing you quickly. “At least the first time.”

“So there will be a next time?” You asked, crocking your eyebrow. You rubbed your thumb over his tip, spreading the precum, before you brought your thumb to your lips, tasting the salty essence.

“I’m never gonna let you leave these walls.”

Pushing you down so you were laying on your back his body covered yours as he kissed you deeply. Your hands wandered up his back, disappearing in his hair. You gasped, as you felt his cock at your inner thigh.

“Fuck me, August.” You groaned against his lips. Desperate for him to fill you. He reached for this bedside table, opening the first drawer. He brought the foil package up to his lips, ripping it open. You felt yourself shivering beneath him as he rolled the condom over his cock. The tip teasing your entrance.

“I have waited for this…” He whispered, slowly pushing in.

“Jesus….” You moaned, feeling him go deeper. “Oh he can’t help you now, Sweetheart.” August grinned, biting his lip. He was still pushing in, and it felt so good.

“So fucking tight.” He groaned, stopping when he fully nestled inside your core.

“Move.” You whimpered.

“Sure?” He pressed.

“Yes. Fuck me.” You sighed, one of your hands on his ass, urging him to move. He bottomed out, thrusting back in, making you cry out.

“Yes…” You groaned. He began to move faster, pushing himself up, so he was kneeling between your legs, watching you.

“Better than I imagined.” He groaned. Bringing one of his hands down he began to rub your clit.

“Harder. Please, fuck me harder.” You gasped, your whole skin on fire as he brought you closer to the edge. You reached a hand over your head, grabbing the headboard as he pumped into you harder.

“So fucking perfect.” He growled. His other hand pinched your nipple, making you jump and cry at the same time.

“You gonna cum for me? Cum all over my hard cock?” He asked. He rubbed quick circles over your clit, not waiting for your answer, as you felt yourself cuming again, your legs shaking, warmth floating through your body.

“Yes. Just like that. Fuck.” He fucked you through your orgasm, making it last until he pulled out, pulling out the condom and shot his cum all over your stomach.

“Fuck…” He groaned, pumping his cock. You waited until he opened his eyes, before you swooped one finger, in his cum, making a show out of licking it from your finger.

“Jesus…” He groaned. You grinned.

“Oh he can’t help you now, sweetheart.” You teased, your laugh turning into a moan when he leaned down and kissed you senseless.

Against all odds, and everything you thought of him, it wasn’t just a one time thing. August and you were inseparable, much to the distraught of everyone around you. Beth caught the two of you fucking in the bathroom of your ice cream parlor once, and teased you endlessly about it.

There was still so much you had to learn about him. He never talked about his past. He once said he was ashamed of it, yet somehow you felt like there was something dark about him, the more time you spent with him. You couldn’t point out what, so you never said something. He would talk to you when he was ready.

You on the other hand were an open book to him. Not that there was much to know in the first place. And you caught yourself staying over his place more and more. Missing his presence in your house. Somehow he wasn’t a big fan of your place.

“I’ve been meaning to ask…” You began, hoping on the kitchen counter next to where he was preparing some dinner. He looked at you.

“Why are there pictures of building all around your apartment?” You asked. You’ve been asking yourself this question for a while now. Two of the buildings you saw on pictures in his office had been burned down in the last weeks. There seemed to be a fire raiser on the loose since the beginning of the years.

“We’re updating the fire security on a couple of buildings in the city…” He answered.

“Do you think they will catch the guy?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.” He sighed, before you felt his hand on your thigh, sneaking under your bathrobe.

“And what are you up to, Mr. Walker?” You grinned, the many questions you still had forgotten.

“I think I want a taste of dessert first.” He whispered, before he parted your legs and got on his knees.

It was about 6 months of you two dating when he asked you to move in with him. You had laughed, but stopped immediately when you saw the serious look on his face.

“Oh you were serious.” You said.

“Of course I am.”

“But August…” You sighed, walking over to where he was sitting at a table in your little cafe. You put your hand on his shoulder, sitting down on his lap. You thought he smelled like fuel, but you didn’t question it.

“My house is much bigger than your place. And we both only have been dating for a half year. Let’s give it a bit more time.” You said, kissing him softly. He sighed against your lips, his arms pulling your closer.

“Okay.” He whispered back.

Yet when he came back from a job a couple days later, a frown on his face, something felt off.

“What happened?”

“It’s your house.” He sighed, walking over to you.

“What about my house?” You asked, now frowning yourself.

“Someone burned it down. We tried everything but we were too late. It burned down completely.” He said. All colors left your face.

“What?” You croaked.

“I really tried. We really tried. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart.” He sighed. You could feel the tears running down your face, sobbing when his arms put you against his body. He still smelled of smoke.

“But… All my stuff… Oh god… Where am I gonna live?” You asked against his shirt.

“Stuff you can replace. And… I already asked you if you wanted to move in.”

“But...” You sniffed.

“We can talk it out later. Now you need a place to stay..” He said, kissing your hair.

“You’re serious?” You asked, looking up at him.

“Of course. Move in with me while you figure this out.” He said softly.

What other choice did you have really?

“Okay.” You nodded.

Later that night when you were sound asleep in August arms you didn’t see his smile. His whispered words of love as he looked down at you. You didn’t know that it was him who burned down your house. Or all the houses in the city. And you never would. Because August Walker finally got what he wanted. You.

[yelenasdog]

school girl skirts and metallica (warren worthington x fem reader (kinda) nsfw head canons)

genre: lemón if u catch my drift. like nothing explicit tho

summary: warren’s a spicy (yet somehow shy) mf w a thing for skirts and tights. that’s literally it

words: 845

warnings: i am a minor, and if that makes u uncomfy, don’t read :), cursing, themes of warren being sub-ish?? very heavy implications of sex, hank being nosy, idk, just warren being a horny fucker, that’s it.

a/n: yeah uhhhh my blog was previously nsfw free, but this has been sitting in my drafts for awhile and i want it oUT. also i put the keep reading in a weird place so that ppl could ignore this if they wanted lols.  k enjoy mwah

⚔⚔⚔

to put it plainly, warren worthington has the hots for girls that wear short school girl skirts.

stop what ur doing and say that 10 times fast

u prolly couldn’t HA ok sorry for bullying u, back to warren

now, he found this out after beginning to attend xaviers, which has no dress code.

but for some reason

you enjoyed wearing this evergreen and navy colored skirt, rolled up. u paired it with a collared shirt, a jumper, and a worn leather jacket that went to your knees.

but what really got him, was the white knee highs you wore with your docs.

drove him absolutely crazy

so when he finally got the nerve to ask you out, he was ecstatic when you (obviously) said yes.

the two of you were known as a sort of punky couple around school

often found sitting together on sunny days underneath an oak tree, leather jackets abandoned in the heat.

the pair would share their earbuds, listening to metallica just loud enough that it would do no harm to your ears (for your sake, he couldn’t care less about his own)

after some time together, he simply couldn’t take it anymore.

it was another normal day, both of you sitting under your favorite spot, watching as the few students walked about, minding their business

it was sparse on the courtyard, though, as it was rather chilly that day, so most opted to stay in, comforted by the fire xavier always had on inside.

and warren’s mind immediately went to how you were still wearing that blessed skirt despite the weather, a pair of tights in addition to the high socks resting under the fabric.

he seemed on edge, which you picked up on immediately.

worried that maybe the cold had gotten to him, you placed a concerned hand on his neck.

“warr? are you alright?”

given his current state, at the brief contact, his large hand immediately formed a fist.

you moved the hand to run itself through his golden curls, and he nuzzled further into your palm.

you smiled sympathetically, allowing him to close his eyes, finding a momentary bliss in your warmth.

“what’s wrong, golden boy?” you barely whispered, hoping to ease whatever illness he might have been feeling.

he opened his eyes, tentatively moving his own hand to your thigh, snapping the elastic of your tights.

“i need’ya.” he muttered, closing his eyes again.

oh.

oh

you tilted your head, heart beating much faster now.

you ran your thumb across his stark cheekbone, feeling a shiver run down his spine, his wings also vibrating lowly.

“what was that, warr?”

he all but whined, “you’re driving me mad in that skirt, ‘s all i can think ‘bout.”

a wide smile spread across your features, still not completely sure where this was going, although you may have had an idea or two.

you can probably guess what happened next.

and no, you heathen

you didn’t do it right there.

did he want to?

oh, no doubt, that cheeky little bastard. (lmao) you had to basically pull him to his dorm.

once you did make it there, though

it was hot and heavy behind closed doors

he was a brat fs, but he was ur good boy or whateva

😳🗿🌝

anywayyy

when he finally, hehhem, ya know

does it

his wings spread out and scratch at the sheets, ripping them basically to shreds LOLS

after that, he has to get new ones every week after you, uh, visit

and of course some of the staff wonder why his door is often closed

and some even begin to notice how he always seems to be visited by you each week with a pack of new linen

(which was strictly for the reason that you get annoyed when ur foot gets stuck in the rips when cuddling, by the way)

and he hates making u upset

so he gives u the cash and u go buy them, as a compromise

(which also confuses the staff bc its a literal boarding school so everything u need is there, but you think it would be too suspicious to go and get new sheets every week at abt the same time)

buttttt back to the store

u would get the linen ofc but not w/ out coming back with some snacks and movies

which usually would lead to needing more sheets AGAIN (if u catch my drift rejkbgr)

but anywho

nobody ever says anything

xavier doesn’t even begin to pick up on it, that poor man

hank kinda thinks something fishy is going on, but chooses to ignore it completely

avoiding any convo of that nature at all costs

(but he does make sure to loudly tell charles about how important it is for the youth to practice safe sex when he sees the two of you near, much to charles’ confusion.)

not to mention relentless teasing from jubilee, who told jean, who then of course told scott, leading to being teased by all of them!

(minus peter, he would just occasionally nudge warren on the shoulder and smirk, but that was it)

but in the end, nothing could put a damper on the relationship of you two, truly.

he loved you (not that he would say it yet)

and you loved him (ditto! fun!)

but let’s be real here

the real savior of your relationship? the real matchmaker, if u will?

that damned school girl skirt.

[cicinicole-14]

denial isn’t just a river in egypt!

so listen, nina (@doc-pickles) got an ask on tumblr about jo being pregnant and in denial about it and Alex comes back and sees her etc and we’d talked about it forever ago and then it was brought up again and I just had so much inspiration for it so bam here we go.

also my original plan for this fic flew completely out the window and somehow this happened instead so like, good luck, hope yall enjoy!

This was not how this was supposed to happen. This was not how her life was supposed to go.

She was supposed to take the test, find out it was positive, happily get to surprise her husband that they would be having a baby, or be standing right next to him as they both read the results as a happily married couple.

Not like this…

Not by herself in the dirty gas station bathroom because she was too terrified that Schmidt would find the test in the loft bathroom, or too many people could find out if she ran a blood test at the hospital.

So she’d run into the dimly lit gas station bathroom, just like she’d done last time she was pregnant, having a sickening feeling of deja vu as she waited for the results, honestly not sure why she was even bothering because she knew what the test was going to read…

Sure enough, three minutes later when the alarm on her phone pulls her out of her zoned out daze, there are two very prominent pink lines staring back up at her from the little stick. She tosses it into the trash and washes her hands, careful not to touch much of the bathroom to get out as clean as possible before pulling her mask back over her nose and mouth and exiting the dingey gas station.

Before she can even make it back to her car, she hurries to the trash bin posted out front of the convenient store and hovers over it, pulling her mask down and holding her hair out of her face before she’s heaving the contents of her stomach into the bin below her, trying not to touch the gross can.

This was nowhere close to how this was supposed to happen.

She sits in the waiting room of the clinic the next morning, her eyes scanning over the two visibly pregnant women each in a chair and a girl who couldn’t be older than twenty-one, sitting across from her, bouncing her leg nervously and scrolling on her phone. Jo picks at the hangnail on her thumb, watching as it reddened until it started to bleed before her name was called.

Her head lifts up and she stands, following the assistant back, confirming her legal name, date of birth and reason for the visit, before following directions and sitting on the exam table, waiting for her to leave before she changes into the paper gown.

She’s been through this before. She remembers the routine. Her doctor returns to the room once she’s gowned in the itchy paper and seated back on the exam table with her legs in the stirrups. She doesn’t pay enough attention to listen to what her doctor is saying, but there’s the procedural task of having the transvaginal exam and before long she’s doing everything she can to tune out the fluttering heartbeat echoing through the tiny exam room to confirm she was indeed pregnant.

It makes her feel nauseous.

She didn’t want it to be this way. She didn’t want this to happen like this. When had it all gone so wrong?

She swallows the bile back down and before long her doctor is informing her she needs to make another follow up appointment to schedule her procedure.

Jo nods in confirmation before the doctor is leaving and she’s left to change back into her own clothes, mind still in a complete blur.

She doesn’t remember much of walking back to the front of the clinic and scheduling her follow up appointment, but there’s a reminder card in her hand she clips to the visor in her car as she makes her way back to the loft, wanting to just sleep the rest of the day, week, month away…

“Are you calling in sick to work today again?”

She doesn’t give Levi a clear answer, just a groan, before rolling over back under the comforter.

“Because it’s raining and I was hoping I could bum a ride from you.” He continues on.

She turns to face him, glaringly. Not happy that he was disturbing her. “You can take my car but if there’s so much as a scratch on my baby, I’ll eat you alive.” She growls, tossing him her keys.

“Noted.” He acknowledges.

“And tell Bailey I’ll be back next week. I just… I need some more time.” She says softly.

He nods, sliding open the loft door and exiting.

And Jo barely waits for it to close before she’s bolting out of bed to the bathroom, curling over the toilet and emptying the contents of her stomach into it. She hopes Schmidt was far enough away to have not heard her puking her guts out. She didn’t need him to know.

Her hope is short lived though, by the time Levi walks in the loft late that evening, nudging her out of her slumber with a small card in one hand and a bag of food in the other.

“Jo?” He whispers timidly. He feels bad waking her up, but he knows she’s slept all day and probably hadn’t eaten. “I brought cheeseburgers and fries.” He said, holding up the bag on display.

And it doesn’t take a moment before she’s lurching out of bed, pushing him out of the way before she’s hurdling into the tiny bathroom again to throw up at just the smell.

“I’m sorry!” He repeats profusely, apologizing. “I didn’t know you were actually sick, are you okay?” She shakes her head, not wanting him to worry.

“I’m fine. Just, can you take the onions away from me?” He nods, tearing open the sandwich he’d gotten for her and picked off the onions, tossing them into the trash.

She thanks him before sitting down on a barstool now, sipping water to help quell her stomach before reaching for one of the greasy french fries in the bag and dipping it in ketchup. And then her eyes land on the appointment card she’d forgotten about from her car.

“I left your keys on the end table near your purse and put gas in your car. Thank you again for letting me take your car. Happy to report, zero scratches on her. Tip top shape.”

She makes a humming noise, confirming that she heard him, but her eyes are still glued to the card sitting next to their burger bag.

“I uh- I found that on your visor. I didn’t know–” “I’m not.” She cuts him off before pushing herself back from the stool and throwing her food away, barely having touched it, and crawling back into bed.

“Okay.” Levi says quietly, understanding she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment, so he drops the subject, continuing eating his food as Jo rolled over in bed, covering her body with the duvet.

She adjusts the PPE gear over her clothes and ducks into Meredith’s room on the ICU floor, taking a seat in the chair next to her.

She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out yet. So she pauses, wiping her sweaty palms over her thighs before letting them rest.

Her phone rings, startling her, and she looks at the caller ID, seeing the clinic’s number flashing on the screen probably calling her to tell her she’s late for her appointment that she didn’t plan on showing up to.

“I’m not supposed to be here right now. I’m supposed to be somewhere else.” She says, quietly. She doesn’t even know if Meredith could hear her, but she just needed to talk to someone, someone who wouldn’t look back at her with pity or disappointment making her feel guilty.

“I’m supposed to be sitting on an exam table right now on the other side of town as they made this all go away, but instead I’m sitting here with you and I don’t even know if you can hear me.”

She swallows back the lump in her throat, determined not to cry.

“It’s been twelve and a half weeks since I’ve last seen him, you know?” She takes a shaky breath, moving to the edge of her chair and resting her forearms on Meredith’s bed. “And twelve weeks and two days since we were last together. And I know that, because instead of sitting on that stupid exam table making this all go away, I’m choosing to hold on to the only piece I have left of him, because I can’t do it, Meredith. I can’t do this. I can’t do this without him, I don’t want to. He’s supposed to be here. We were supposed to be a family together. We didn’t tell anyone yet, but we’d just decided to start trying and then he left me. And I thought I couldn’t feel more broken until those two pink lines showed up last week and I felt like my world was caving in on me. Everything is falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this, but I can’t, I can’t just undo it now, can I?”

She knows she’s not going to get an answer, but it doesn’t matter because her mind’s already made up.

She slides back into the chair and lets her hands rest back on her thighs as she sits in silence, just listening to the ventilator breathe for her friend.

U awake?

No

Can i come over?

Sure

Is everything okay?

Honestly, she doesn’t know what she’s doing, standing at Jackson’s apartment door at almost eleven at night. They hadn’t had sex again in weeks, since before she’d…and she hadn’t even been to work all week either.

It didn’t matter though. She was fine. She was returning to work the day after tomorrow and no one even knew except for Schmidt, who she knew assumed she went to the appointment anyway. What he didn’t know wouldn’t kill him. It was all going to be fine.

What she didn’t assume was the fact that Jackson had peeled her shirt off after a heated make out session and his hands landed on the swelling bump she didn’t realize was there.

She’s a doctor, and she knew post-second trimester, changes happen and bumps form, but she pushed that all to the back of her mind. She ignored it. And apparently hadn’t noticed it while getting dressed today.

But Jackson pulls back from the kiss, furrowing his brow, hand still on her bare stomach for a moment before Jo begins pulling away and grabbing for her shirt off the back of the couch.

“I’m not… It’s not, it’s not yours.” She rushes out, pulling her shirt back on.

Jackson laughs dryly for a moment. “Yeah I’d hope not, you look a bit further along that we’ve been sleeping together, unless you’re having twins. You’re not having twins, are you?”

“I’m not having a baby.” she says sternly and Jackson takes a moment to scratch at the stubble on his chin, clearly confused before Jo continues. “This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. I’m not having a baby.” She repeats, firmly, before gathering her phone off the coffee table and picking up her purse, heading for the door.

“Jo, wait, hey.” He tries, trying to stop her. “We don’t have to talk about it.” He reassures.

She hesitates, her hand holding the door open, still ready to leave, but she lets it slip, and it shuts quietly.

“Just, have you been checked out by someone? Carina? Anyone?”

She doesn’t give him an answer, just the soft click of the door as she opens it back up and walks out.

She’s been back at work the past month, thankfully able to avoid most people by sticking to the maternity ward, focusing on switching her specialty. Though she didn’t know what was worse, being nagged by friends who knew and trying to dodge them or being haunted by the multitude of patients she was helping deliver.

Jumping back and forth between the COVID ICU ward and the maternity ward, she knew she’d run into Link eventually. She’d managed her very best to avoid him at all costs. It was easy for the first week she’d returned, since he was still on paternity leave with Scout and helping take care of Meredith’s kids too, but then he’d returned to help out with the influx of new cases and she’d been asked to be transferred to OB, shadowing Carina until her luck had run out and he’d all but chased her down cornering her and pulling her into an empty on-call room.

“You’re avoiding me.”

“I have patients.”

“Jackson called me to tell me he was worried about you. And even Schmidt had said you hadn’t been to the loft in a while. Are you okay?” He asks, and she wants nothing more than to melt into his arms in a bear hug, but she knows if she does that, she’ll lose all control and she’s barely holding on by threads.

“I’m fine.” She says coldly.

“You’re not fine. You’re like eighteen weeks pregnant, based on when Alex was last here.”

“I’m not having a baby.” She says before turning on her heel and storming out of the on-call room, slamming the door on her way out.

“Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt!” She hears him shout from the other side of the door. She rolls her eyes, stomping away like an irritated child.

“Wilson! Stop slamming doors in my hospital and lend a hand please. We have an MVC in the pit.” Bailey shouts to her.

Jo’s happy to have her mind be taken off of the conversation she’d just had before following after her boss.

“He’s going to need an x-ray to check for spinal injuries and run an EKG and full work up. Hurry!” Jo barks out orders, jumping into action and giving the gurney a shove in the correct direction before Bailey’s standing in front of her, blocking their way. “I need to get him to x-ray before we take him into surgery, Bailey, move.”

“No you don’t. An intern can take him to x-ray, you are not going there.”

Jo just begrudgingly lets go of the gurney, watching as two interns and a third year resident start wheeling their patient away.

She watches as Bailey’s stern face falters and her eyes soften into something along the lines of almost motherly, and it makes Jo almost want to break down right then and there, but she bites down on her bottom lip, forcing herself not to start crying before Bailey’s reaching out her hand for her to take.

So she does, and Bailey leads her away from the loud emergency room and together they walk up to the imaging room to wait for the x-rays to be ready.

“Are you doing okay?” Bailey treads carefully. She’s the chief of this hospital. She was taught how to be all-knowing. And the shock that flashes across Jo’s face that she knew, she figured was surprising. “I am the chief of this hospital, of course I know what’s going on with my surgeons.” She tells her and Jo looks away.

She just sighs softly.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Bailey doesn’t get a chance to reply before the images from the x-ray are up and Jo’s immediately rushing out of the room, headed for her patient. Bailey just sighs, following after her to assist with the surgery.

She’s not prepared for the sudden force of a pull in the opposite direction, almost tripping and stumbling over her feet as the brunette is leading her into an open exam room.

And before she can even question her or start to speak, Amelia’s opening her mouth to speak, cutting her off.

“I know I am the last person to probably be forcing you into doing this, but it’s happening anyway. Link has not shut up about how worried he is about you the past month and I’m tired of it so I’m giving him answers without violating HIPA. So lay back and pull up your shirt, this will be cold.”  She said, shaking the bottle of gel as she wheeled the ultrasound machine closer to the two of them in the room.

Jo obliged, slowly, pulling her shirt up under her breasts and loosening her scrub pants a bit so Amelia could perform her exam.

Her bump was big now, and she’d already had to move up a couple sizes in her scrubs, but she still refused to acknowledge the life that was so rapidly growing within her.

“I was twenty weeks along before I let my sister-in-law force me into having an ultrasound thus leading to finding out my baby had no brain. A baby I had been in denial about because his father had overdosed next to me in bed.” Amelia says softly as she moves the wand around on Jo’s abdomen. “Alex was the first person I told that story to, fully.”

Jo doesn’t speak for a moment, taking in the words Amelia had just spoken, her eyes avoiding the screen at all costs as she looks in the complete opposite direction.

“I didn’t know you had a baby before Scout.” She finally replies softly.

Amelia pauses her movements and looks at Jo with a small smile. “Not many people do. His name was Christopher, and he had anencephaly. He lived for forty-three minutes before he got to donate all his organs and help others in need.” She says, trying not to cry herself.

By this time, Jo had turned to face her, and had given her a look of sorrow, of apology.

“Moving on, this baby you aren’t having is a good size, ten fingers, ten toes, has a brain. They look really healthy for twenty-two weeks, okay?” Amelia reassures her, wiping off the gel from Jo’s stomach. “I know we aren’t close, but I love Link and I know he’s really worried about you, so for all of our sakes, can I check up on you once a month for the rest of this?” She asks cautiously. “Just a few minutes out of every month to make sure everything is okay and then we can go back to ignoring it and being in denial together? You’ll be glad you have the peace of mind later on down the line.” She says.

Jo pulls her scrub top down slowly, nodding. “Sure.” she says quietly. “Just once a month, for a few minutes. Just us.” She says and Amelia nods, promising.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’d be a great mom. Scout loves you and I know he’d love to have a cousin to grow up with.” Amelia knows she’s said too much by the way Jo flinches at the comment, but she doesn’t run, like Link had told her Jo did to him. So maybe it was a step in the right direction. A baby step.

“It just wasn’t supposed to happen like this…” Jo replies softly, adjusting her scrub top over herself properly. Amelia nods, understanding it completely, giving Jo’s hand a squeeze.

True to her word, Jo’d let Amelia perform an ultrasound on her the following months, for just a few minutes each time, checking to make sure everything was okay. Jo refused to listen to anything about the baby, and didn’t want to know, just made sure Amelia noted everything down in her file. If it pleased everyone else, she was fine with that.

She still refused to believe any of this was even happening. No changes had been made to her home, nothing had been bought, nothing prepared. She didn’t want to even think about doing this without him, not for a minute. Surely, she could’ve called him. Anytime in the past seven months, she could have picked up the phone and dialled his number waiting for him to answer. But every time she picked up the phone to do just that, she was reminded of the fact that he’d left her. He’d done the one thing he promised to never do, and he’d abandoned her. And she was left so utterly broken by it. She was left broken and falling apart to try and do this by herself, something she didn’t want to do. Something she shouldn’t have to do, because he should’ve been here, holding her hand through this all, hovering over her so much she’d threaten to smack him or something. But he wasn’t.

Which was why she refused to believe that the wave of pain that contracted through her abdomen was anything other than a braxton hicks contraction. She was well on her way to becoming an OB, she’d been delivering babies daily. She knew what active labor looked like, and she refused to believe this was it.

Not until she felt a small release of pressure and then free falling fluid between her legs while she was headed to check on one of her own laboring mothers. This was not supposed to be happening right now.

She ignored it, ducking into an empty on call room, making sure to page someone else to cover her patients, letting them know she was unavailable before sitting down on a chair in the on call room, trying to force herself to breathe through the contraction just as she instructed her patients to do.

Tears well up and spill from her eyes, gracing her cheeks as she paces the tiny on call room, trying to keep herself from spiralling into a panic attack. She’s slowly losing her resolve as another contraction flutters through her body and she knows she’s progressing quickly but she hates that she’s stuck doing this alone.

And then the panic is settling in further as she realizes she really hasn’t prepared for any of this. Sure, she’d cut out alcohol from her diet, and was mindful of the things she could and couldn’t eat, but other than that, nothing else. She’d not so much had even bought a pack of diapers for this baby she was really just acknowledging she was pregnant with, while in now-active labor.

Im having a baby

Uh, yeah?

I know I wasn’t conscious for a lot of your pregnancy but you’re having a baby Jo

I mean right now

OH!

Okay have you been admitted?

I’ll be there soon!

I cant do this without him, Mer

I dont want to

She didn’t want to do any of this without him.

She hesitates, pulling up her contacts in her phone and hovers over his name. She should call. He deserves to know. But then another wave of a contraction courses through her and she’s doubling over, trying to breathe through it before the on call room door is swinging open and Carina is standing there with a look on her face.

“Meredith called to ask what room you were in since you were having a baby but I was the one shocked to find out that my fellow was in labor and had failed to tell me. Jo, come on, let's get you settled in a room.” Her accent, thick as she helped guide Jo out of the on call room and to a maternity room.

Carina guides her slowly into a room, helping get her settled and hooking her up to the various monitors before promising to be back to check on her soon and leaving her be.

Jo doesn’t know how long it had been, but she wakes up to the frantic beeping of monitors and Carina running into her room. She’s confused at what’s happening, but she hears her heartbeat echoing in her ears. She’s crying, she can feel her tears running down her cheeks, and she can’t hear herself, but she knows she’s screaming, screaming for him, screaming she can’t do this without him.

Before long she’s being wheeled out of her room and somehow into the OR where Carina has returned, hovering over her with a scrub cap on, smiling at her reassuringly. She thinks she remembers hearing her say everything would be okay but she isn’t sure, and then everything is hazy.

Until she feels someone standing next to her, and she looks over, and he’s standing next to her, holding her hand as she blinked back tears, trying to remember to breathe.

Alex was here. He was right here, next to her, holding her hand as Carina was performing a c-section on her and delivering their bundle of joy. He was here, squeezing her hand, telling her she could do this, that she did do this, she’s got this. That she is so strong. He’s blurry between her tears, and everything is hazy, everything is loud, everything is painful and scary and then she can hear the distinct sound of cries, filling the OR. And she’s turning her head to look over the sheet that’s separating her from her open abdomen, and Carina’s standing over her, holding up a squirming, screaming baby in her hands before she’s passing the baby off to another member of the delivery team and Jo’s eyes follow the baby for a second before landing on the man standing next to her again.

“Hey, you did it!” He smiles and she furrows her brow at him, his blue eyes staring back at her.

“Link?” She manages to whisper through her confusion, wondering where Alex had gone. But then she hears the baby start screaming again, and realizes he’s probably gone to check on their child and she focuses on trying to stay awake, but her heart rate drops and then everything is going black.

She wakes to the soft noises of shuffling around her room and Carina greeting her with a small smile, scooping up a wrapped bundle from the plastic bassinet, walking over to the side of her bed. “Ciao, Mama. You have one very handsome little bambino.” She greets, handing the newborn over to Jo.

Jo stares down at her little one, smiling down at him as she realizes just how much of Alex she truly sees in him.

“Where’s Alex? Is he just catching up with Meredith?” She questions, not looking up from staring at her child.

Carina freezes, not sure how to approach the topic but finally settles on a plausible answer. “I don’t know where he is.”

Jo just shrugs, still in a trance, staring at her son. She was in heaven.

And then she was in hell, when she realizes that Alex had never been there in the first place, that when Meredith had shown up to drive her back to the loft after being in the hospital for two days after her c-section, she was truly doing this alone, just like she’d done the entire time.

He wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there to see the birth of their son. He hadn’t been there, encouraging her as she was delivering their child. He wasn’t there bringing them home, like he should’ve been. He hadn’t even known she had their baby. And she was truly alone.

It was sinking in as Meredith had explained to her on the drive back to the loft, that baby Luca had been in such distress and showing D-cells when Carina had taken her up to the OR for an emergency c-section and Link had been with her the whole time. That he was struggling and his cord had prolapsed and then her own heart rate had spiked because of the onset panic and her own body was in distress through the surgery, but ultimately Carina had made sure she was going to be there to raise her son.

It hurt her. It hurt to know that she’d been in such a haze, hallucinating the entire time of Alex having been there. It hurt to know that instead of him driving them home, it was Meredith. It hurt to know that again, she was going to be doing this alone.

Meredith helps walk her up the stairs to the loft, carrying Luca’s carrier in her hand as Jo follows behind her, meeting up with Meredith at the top of the landing before unlocking the door and sliding it open.

“Before you say anything, this was why I wasn’t there holding your hand, too.” Meredith explains, setting the baby carrier on the bed and Jo looks up, her eyes widening in surprise.

“Alex.”

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, part seven

By the end of the night at Jeff and Glenne’s, Lexi was nowhere to be found. You didn’t really mind--you didn’t feel as out of place as you’d expected and Harry had been more than happy to bring you around to different friends or familiar faces to say hello. 

A girl with dark brown hair who sang backup on his album listened excitedly as he brought her up to speed on the new plan for release. The album, originally due out in August or September was now being pushed to December. It was strategic really. 

Late summer buzz when the baby announcement came out. Winter album release, promo before and after to tide his fans over until a spring time tour, giving him the perfect span of three or four stationary months in L.A. that aligned with your maternity leave.

Genius, really. It was all thanks to Jeff and his team.

So you smiled at the girl with the dark hair and pretended you didn’t notice the fact that she kept stealing glances down at your belly, as small as it still was. 

This was the risky stage, really, when people got it wrong and asked about someone’s due date, only to be mortified when someone gave the dreaded response, I’m not pregnant. You’d seen it happen to someone else once, a woman in the checkout line at the grocery store. The cashier put her foot in her mouth and you vowed to never ask someone about their due date unless they mentioned it first. 

So you cut Laura some slack. 

“We’ll tour it next spring and summer, so you’ll have to come,” he said to his friend, a smile on his face when he lifted up his sunglasses. The sun had already sunk beneath the horizon, his cheeks were tinged pink from the hot day.

“I’ll bring your youngest audience member ever,” you revealed, letting a hand rub over your belly as you offered a smile in her direction.

“Oh, that’s so sweet! When are you due?”

“January, middle of the month. So--I might need some noise canceling headphones.”

“Hey--I make good music,” Harry pretended to take offense. 

“I didn’t say you don’t--”

“Is it yours?” Laura asked, her eyes pulling up to Harry’s face for a second, wide with shock.

Harry looked down at you, down at the bump. You could tell he was frozen, unsure of what he should say and how he should say it. 

“No--God no,” you said quickly. “It’s our friend, Peter.”

Harry’s lips twitched into a smile. “Yeah--Peter, he’s a good friend. He’s a great guy, a dream, really. Gonna be a great father.”

“He’s okay,” you made a face at Harry. “A lot to learn, probably never changed a diaper in his life.”

“He has too,” Harry defended quickly. “At least five or six.”

“Well he’ll be changing probably five or six a day.”

“That’s fine, he’ll be fine with that. He’s extremely committed to that baby.”

“Yeah, well,” you stifled a laugh. “We’ll see.”

Laura laughed, a skeptical look disappeared from her face when Glenne came up and offered dessert, effectively breaking up the conversation. Harry draped an arm over your shoulder for a split second when most people had started to make their way to the other side of the pool. 

“Just so you know, I’m gonna make you call her and explain that lie once we come out with it.”

“Deal,” you said. “I’ll tell her you had sex with your friend Peter’s girlfriend and we didn’t know who’s it was until it was born..”

“Jesus,” he laughed. “Can’t tell if you’re the funniest person I’ve met or the meanest.”

“I like to think I’m a mix of both.”

**

It was probably a good thing that you didn’t see Harry for another week after that. The onesie and the party at Jeff and Glenne’s and a completely new project at work had you feeling incredibly overwhelmed, left with only enough energy to drive home, take off your bra, and sit on the couch. 

Most nights Lexi was home. There were a few evenings when she’d meet Glenne and Jeff or stay late on set. She’d come home with leftovers or funny stories, and you’d fall asleep before 10pm. 

But you figured it was a good thing, the distance and space. The last two times you’d seen him, you left with a glow. The infatuation kind, not the pregnancy kind. That type of shit was asking for trouble. 

So you ignored the urge to call or text him. Most days he’d ask how you were feeling, what you were up to. You’d take your time to respond, give short answers and tell him you were too busy to see him. It wasn’t necessarily true, but you were tired. Too tired to drive all the way to his house in the hills and then all the way home. Especially when being around him required the self-control and restraint that it suddenly did.

You answered when he called, talked on the phone for an hour at a time some days. You told yourself it was nothing. It was normal it was normal it was normal. 

On the Wednesday of week twelve, you were scheduled to meet with the same crew: Jeff, Harry, Dave, Emma, Lola, and John. This time, the topic was a bit more hopeful. Some type of strategy meeting to talk about what type of information to release and what to keep private. 

When you woke up and started rifling through your closet, you came to a grim realization. Things weren’t fitting the same. Buttoned shirts now felt tight around the tummy, pants felt a bit snug in the waist. 

It happened overnight, really. You’d heard about the pop--when your belly finally protrudes outward and when you actually start to look pregnant, not just bloated. You didn’t know when it would come, but you certainly weren’t prepared for it to already be here.

Lexi was already gone, otherwise you’d storm into her room and make her promise you didn’t look funny. You weren’t about to FaceTime Glenne--only in fear that Jeff would be around and think you were being ridiculous. You also figured keeping your distance from him wasn’t a bad idea. 

So you settled on a dress, a casual one, and you didn’t even realize that someone might notice until you walked into work. 

Aarav didn’t even seem to look at you twice--he was too busy in his office dealing with a last minute request from Levi. Simone was busy too, and when you met up with them for lunch, you kept your tray and plate in front of you, praying and hoping that they wouldn’t notice the way you looked a bit more round. 

A text came across your phone when Aarav went on about Carson. 

Harry (12:43pm): Twelve week mark! See you at 5pm?

It was almost a relief to walk into the Westwood office building at the end of the day. It was a comfort, really, to be in a room full of people who knew your biggest secret. Harry met you in the lobby, a smile on his face when you offered a hug. 

“Look at me,” you said quietly, a few people passed by on their way out of work. “I look pregnant.”

He looked down, his brows furrowed together and his lips pushed out. He scanned your figure, a wave of relief washed over you when he spoke. “Wouldn’t have noticed if you didn’t say anything--but, you do, a bit. You look good.”

“I feel weird,” you said, following him over to the same elevators as you tried to ignore the compliment. “I used to just look bloated, but now it’s like--real.”

Once the doors shut and afforded you both some privacy, he turned to face you. 

“You look beautiful,” he said, voice quiet as the elevator whirred. “Can I--can I feel it?”

“Oh,” you looked down, a hand immediately on your own belly. You’d been doing it plenty, a force of habit, now, really. You found yourself doing it in meetings, on the phone, one hand on the steering wheel and another on the bump. “Yeah, of course you can--here,” you reached for his hand, guiding it towards you, warmth when he made contact. 

It felt a little silly. It was still just your stomach--somewhere deeper in there was a baby the size of a lime. He kept his eyes on the blue fabric of your dress, both of your hands over his until the doors opened. 

Jeff, on the other side, was caught off guard. “Hi--hey, I was just coming to find you.”

“Hi,” you said, a step back from Harry as if there was some sort of rule about proximity. 

He offered an awkward smile, motioned for you to both follow him down the same long hall, past the same rooms and chairs and windows. Harry let out a giggle under his breath, smirked in your direction, another wave of butterflies.

It was the first time you’d seen any of them since the test results, you swore Dave seemed to soften when you sat across from him, this time, Harry was beside you. 

“So,” Dave spoke, a quick glance around the room. “Good to see everyone.”

“Yeah, thanks for coming,” Jeff said, settling into his seat before he reached for a water bottle. “Lola--you’re good to start us off?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, short red hair brushed the tops of her shoulders. She smiled in your direction, much less hesitant than times before. “We’re really here today to start thinking about how we want to share this news. It’s obviously not going to stay a secret forever, so we’re wondering about different options to get in front of it--while still maintaining everyone’s safety and privacy.”

You nodded, a sideways glance in Harry’s direction.

“We have a few options, Harry, about how to do that,” Jeff explained. “We could choose an outlet to inform and let them break it. Or, we could talk about a social media post, a statement from Lola…”

He turned to look at you, caution in his eyes when you offered a small smile. Nothing felt ideal--nothing they said sounded like a good option or like it wouldn’t bring trouble. 

Up until now, really, it had just been the two of you. That was, if you didn’t count the four other people in the room, Lexi, Glenne, your mother, and his family. So, the twelve of you, really. 

Things until now were quiet and private, a small buzz that was stressful enough. You couldn’t even imagine the news spreading, questions, accusations, the ways all of the aforementioned would keep you up at night. 

Harry looked around the room. “Uh--a statement is probably best, yeah?”

“I would think so--your fans will want to hear from you though, too,” Jeff nodded.

Lola smiled, softly, in your direction. “What do you think, Y/N?”

You were shocked, really. Stammered a few things before wishing you could disappear, totally not equipped to respond to that type of question. “Uh, yeah--the statement--I don’t know, whatever you think,” you looked towards Harry, a sudden feeling in your gut that out of everyone in the room, you could trust him the most. 

“We should wait until you’re father along,” Jeff said. “Probably closer to the sixth month mark?”

You nodded--that was something you could get behind. It also gave you some more time to figure out who needed to know before then. As contractual as this had become, there were still some people in your life who’d benefit from finding out that you were pregnant with a celebrity’s baby from you, rather than on TV or online.

Lola went on to say something else, but you were too busy making a list in your brain of who that entailed. 

Levi, Simone, Aarav. Your two aunts in Oregon. Your college roommate, Brie, maybe even your father--if you could track him down. You could feel your heartbeat in your chest, more people to disappoint, more people to make the admission to: I fucked up. I didn’t check all the boxes in the right order.

“Does that sound alright?” Harry turned to get a better look at you, his eyes searched your face.

“What?”

“September,” Lola said. “Make the statement in September.”

“Sure,” you nodded. Two months away. That felt like an eternity. 

“How are you feeling about it?” Her question was directed at you, but it took you a second to realize that. Harry watched you, his eyebrows lifted as he waited for a response. 

“About having a baby?”

“About coming out with it,” Jeff said. 

You shifted in your office chair, hands clasped on your lap. “I don’t really know what to expect, to be fair.”

Jeff looked at Harry, then at Lola. 

Harry cleared his throat and rested his elbows on the table, he spoke directly to you. “I think there’ll be some people who are really upset and some who are really happy.”

“You should make your social media private,” Lola said. “That’s the majority of what comes up when I ran a google search of your name. A few things about your work if you dig really deep.”

“Which they will,” Harry said. 

“Okay,” you nodded. “Should I be, like, worried about my safety?

“No,” Jeff said. “Definitely not. If there’s anything that makes you uncomfortable we’ll assess and just get a security detail.”

Harry made a face at that, one you couldn’t read. He sat back in his chair and listened to Lola say more about the announcement and how important it was for him to set the tone once the news was out. 

You were almost as zoned out as he was, but you heard mention of make them believe you’re excited, and that’s when you decided you’d had enough. So you stared out the window, nodded every few seconds to make them think you were listening and invested and following along so you could follow the rules. 

Sure, maybe accidentally getting pregnant wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but Lola’s insinuation that neither of you were excited felt like a dig. Out of everyone in the room, you were the one who had to deal with the most shit. Not only did you get a baby out of one drunken night, but you also got the body changes, the hormones, and the new relationship with someone who was too famous for his own good. 

But aside from all of that--all the shit that made this stressful and terrifying and overwhelming altogether--there was still a piece of you that was excited. And it was easier to feel that later that night when you sat in the same In N’ Out parking lot as before. 

“You don’t, like, regret deciding to keep it, right?”

Your question caught him off guard. He was mid-bite and let out a bit of a cough, wiping his mouth with the backside of his hand before he looked over at you. 

“No--do you?”

“No. I don’t know. Lola said we have to act excited. As if we aren’t at all or something.”

“I know,” he said, voice quieter. “That was pretty shitty, but I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

You nodded, hoping he was right. 

“I am excited, to be clear.”

“Me too,” a nod. “I’m getting more excited. Next time we see Dr. Weston we might be able to know the sex.”

He smirked. “We already know the sex, Y/N.”

“Where’s your premonition coming from?” You laughed. “What makes you so sure?”

He laughed, a sip from his water bottle. “I think you’re going to be a really good mom no matter what. But I think you’d be especially good with a little girl.”

“You’re going to sound like such an asshole if we have a boy.”

“If we have a boy it’ll be great! He can like sports and princesses, too.”

You took another bite of your dinner, a silent prayer that this pregnancy wouldn’t turn against you and make you hate the smell of In N’ Out. “I think you’ll be a good dad, too.”

And then he did it again. He looked out the window and seemed to be somewhere else. Maybe somewhere not as congested as LA, easier and quieter and somewhere were you didn’t exist and the plum sized baby didn’t either. 

You stuck a french fry in your mouth and chewed--thankful for the fact that the silence didn’t feel uncomfortable. 

“Would you--” he turned to see you suddenly, a sigh escaping his lips. “Hear me out, okay?”

You nodded.

“Would you think I was totally, absolutely mental if I asked you to move in with me?”

Your eyes must have gone wide, maybe the color even drained from your face, because before you could answer, he rolled his eyes and looked back out the window. “I know--okay, s’fine.”

“No--I just, that’s not what I expected. At all.”

He took another breath, his words came out quick this time as if he was nervous. “I know it’s crazy, but, Jeff got me freaked out today. When he talked about getting you a security detail I thought about your apartment and I know it’s in a house and it’s a nice neighborhood but--”

You didn’t say anything. You watched as he pushed his lips to one side and then the other. 

“I could never live with myself if anything happened to you.” A pause. “Or her.”

You rolled your eyes at that, a small laugh immediately granted levity to the front seat of his car. Dimples appeared on his cheeks when he saw the smile on your face.

“I hear you, but--I’ll be fine.”

He started speaking before you even finished. “Think of it this way, too. When she’s here, we’ll want to be together, right? I mean--don’t you think you’ll want more space than what you’ve got with Lexi? Don’t you think she’ll get sick of dirty nappies and all the crying in the middle of the night? If we live together I can help more and we can go through it together.”

You thought on that for a second. There was no doubt in your mind that Lexi would eventually lose her shit and need a good amount of space from the new roommate you were both about to have. You ignored the thumping in your chest at the thought of it. You, Harry, a tiny baby in that stupid onesie he bought. It sounded perfect.

“Think about it, yeah? I’ve got plenty of room.”

You nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

**

Dave had given you the go ahead to tell your coworkers. It took three phone calls with Jeff and him and Harry, but he eventually relented. When you ended up telling him that he didn’t have to go to work trying not to puke every morning waiting for your coworkers to notice the growing bump, he gave in. 

You were relieved, that is, until Levi called a team meeting, the five of you sat around a conference table on the third floor--also known as the floor with the balance ball chairs. You had no idea how much your back had been bothered by your regular office chair until you settled in to your seat. 

“So,” Levi looked around at the four of you. “Obviously my leaving is bittersweet, I know we’ve all been working hard lately to make the transition as smooth as possible. But we obviously haven’t handled one aspect of that, which is, the new Team Lead.”

You kept a straight face, glanced over to Aarav who suddenly couldn’t take his eyes off of you. You’d been planning on telling them that afternoon, at least Aarav and Simone. Maybe you’d wait until Levi left to fill him in, maybe you’d wait until you left for maternity leave to tell Carson. 

But would Levi still choose you to fill his role if he knew you were pregnant? Bound to take a decent maternity leave right after the holidays? Right when things amped up in the New Year?

“Y/N--you’ve obviously been a huge part of our success this last year, and I spoke with Mike and Tracy about having you fill the role, if you’re interested.”

“Yes--of course I’m interested,” you smiled. “I would love to.”

“Awesome--you’re obviously all in good hands,” he said to the others, a smile in your direction again. “You and I can meet with the rest of the Marketing c-suite--it’ll be painless, I’m sure.”

Now was definitely not a good time to tell them, but, your body decided it was the perfect time for an all encompassing wave of nausea. 

“Okay--yeah, sounds good.” You tried to wrap things up, looked over at Simone, hopeful she’d follow your lead. 

“When’s your last day, again?” Carson closed his laptop, if you weren’t doing your best to keep your lunch down, you’d be more surprised that he wasn’t as bitter as you’d expected him to be.

“August 5th.” 

You stood from the table, beads of sweat on your forehead. Aarav gave you a look, Simone was too busy on her phone. 

Levi started to gather his belongings. “We’ll get everything sorted out, too, about who’s going to take on some of Y/N’s responsibilities. Most things will stay the same, but, I think Mike wants to hire someone else to do some more of the graphic work, too.”

“I’m so sorry--” you said, embarrassed to rush out of a meeting like this. “I have to go--uh, make a phone call, really quick.

Again, Aarav looked at you like you’d started speaking another language. 

“Yeah, go ahead, no worries,” Levi looked suspicious too, but he turned back to Carson.

You bolted for the door, down the hall, no idea where the nearest bathroom was. Water fountain, lounge area, vending machine. Where the fuck was the bathroom?

You found it around the corner, barely making it into a stall before throwing up, desperately trying to pull your sticky hair away from your face when your knees met the floor.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” Simone was behind you--the carpet of the hallway had apparently quieted her footsteps. You reached for toilet paper and wiped your mouth, thankful that no one else had witnessed your close call. The only thing worse than throwing up at work was throwing up on the floor at work.

You flushed, stood back up and offered a smile. “Yeah--sorry--bad lunch, I guess.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“What?” You laughed, waving a hand before wiping at your mouth again. “No--that’s crazy!”

She raised an eyebrow at you.

A sigh. “Fine,” you said. “I am. But--you can’t tell them yet, okay?”

Her lips threatened to curl upwards, but she caught herself. “Are you--was it on purpose?”

“No,” a wave of embarrassment replaced the nausea in your stomach. “It was completely unplanned.”

“Who’s the father?”

Dave had been clear on the phone. If you have to tell them, we’ll prepare NDAs for them to sign. 

“You don’t know him.”

Maybe she did. 

“Is it that guy you’ve been seeing?”

“Yeah--we’re just friends.”

“Who have sex?”

“Just once.”

“Holy shit!”

“I know--I wanted to tell you!”

She pouted, an understanding look on her face. “That’s why you won’t have margaritas with us.”

“Busted.”

“How are you doing with it? Does your mom know?”

You thought on that for a second--it had been a while since someone asked. Harry was inquiring quite frequently, but you were also at the point now where you gave him a daily update about any symptoms. Jeff and Glenne and Lexi would check in, too, of course, but Simone was asking you on a deeper level. 

She was asking if you were losing your shit altogether and having recurring panic attacks when you’d try to fall asleep. 

“I’m okay,” you said, a confident nod. “I was freaked at first, and I am, still, a little--but, it’s been going okay.”

“Are you going to tell Aarav?”

“Yeah, yeah--I was gonna let both of you know today, but then Levi dropped that shit.”

“How dare he promote you,” she teased, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well I couldn’t exactly follow that up with thanks so much, I’ll need three months maternity leave in January.”

“A January baby!” She threw her arms around you. “How far are you?”

“Thirteen weeks.”

She let go, looked you up and down. “You’ll be fine, you can totally handle this. Is the father supportive so far?”

You nodded, ignoring the tiny shred of fear that tried to squeeze it’s way up into your brain. “So far, yeah.”

But how long would that last? How long would Harry be interested in having dinner and hanging out? When would he get sick of you and when would he realize that he didn’t have to do this?

He had more options than either of you had mentioned. Harry was acting like his only option was to be completely, totally, one hundred percent involved, or the exact opposite. 

But you felt like the more realistic option was somewhere in the middle, right? He’d visit and have the baby for weekends, go off on tour and you’d FaceTime him every so often to make sure they didn’t lose touch. You’d be the one to handle the skinned knees and all of the tears, but he’d be the fun dad that would swoop in and get to take them for ice cream or out to dinner. 

He’d send a check, eventually. After things died down and he realized that it didn’t make sense for you to live together or be more than co-parents or anything like that. He’d help financially and you’d have to get a nanny if you were going to keep your job--which, as a single mom, you’d have to.

Simone brought you back to your office, smiling excitedly when you told Aarav the news, making them both promise to keep it quiet for now. You didn’t tell them who, you didn’t disclose the name of the guy who had suddenly lodged himself in a strange space in your heart and your head. Because if you did, you’d have to tell them you were also afraid he’d leave. And speaking that out loud was too much to handle.

**

Harry was a regular at Dr. Weston’s office, so much so that you found it a bit embarrassing how he knew the nurses by name and proclaimed proudly in the waiting room that he’d read every pamphlet they had. 

For someone who has to keep this pregnancy low-key, shouting excitedly in the waiting room is the opposite of that, you told him.

So he followed you back into the exam room yet again, but this time with a pout on his face after the nurse left you alone. 

“What’s your problem?”

He held a hand over his eyes to offer you privacy when you changed, the gown in his outstretched hand. “You don’t even care that I’m extremely well read.”

“One of those was a pamphlet about gestational diabetes--which I don’t even have.” You took the gown and stepped into it, tying it in the back before climbing up on the table. 

He took his hands away without even asking if you were clothed, rolling his eyes and making a face. “I’m just trying to care, okay? However will you forgive me?” 

You fought back the laugh that tried to crawl up from your belly. “I appreciate your caring. And your reading.”

“Good,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back in his seat. “You should. Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

You thought on it for a second. “Know any good barbeque places? Some ribs sound so good.”

His eyebrows lifted, he watched you for a second. 

“What?” You asked, a sudden nervousness in your chest. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He broke eye contact for a second, let out a tiny laugh and then looked back up at you, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Just didn’t know it’d be that easy to get you to hang out with me.”

“Oh shut up,” you said with a laugh, adjusting on top of the sanitary paper. “I’m hungry. It’s almost dinnertime anyway.”

“The only bad news is that I don’t know a good barbeque place.”

“That is bad news,” you said. “There’s one near my house. We can just go there. Or--get take out,” you corrected. 

Okay, so maybe it bothered you a little bit. At this point, feeling like you were a secret and the baby inside of you was a secret was a recipe for feeling like a big, old, shameful one night stand that he probably regretted. But you weren’t about to tell him that. 

“Is Lexi home tonight?”

You nodded.

“We could invite Glenne and Jeff, too, if you want. Or it could be just us, that’s fine.”

You didn’t have a chance to answer, though you wanted to say either would be fine. Dr. Weston knocked and offered a smile, how are both parents feeling? 

She asked the same questions: new symptoms? Any bleeding? Mood? Appetite? Headaches? You answered and nodded along, listening to the advice she gave about any lower back soreness as you started to really gain some weight. 

When she had the ultrasound machine on and when you had laid back and assumed the position, Harry pulled his chair up to be right next to you.

“Definitely growing in there,” Dr. Weston smiled, reaching up to point at the screen. 

“Wow--she actually looks like a baby now.”

“Yeah,” Dr. Weston laughed a bit. “Less of a plum and more a baby.” But she turned, after that, her eyebrows furrowing at the screen before she looked at Harry again. “How did you know it’s a girl?”

“It’s a girl?” you asked, lifting yourself on your elbows to look at the screen closer. “How do you know?”

She turned the screen to show you better, moved the probe along your lower tummy. “Well--if she weren’t, we’d see something right there between her legs.”

“So I’m right?” He looked at you with wide eyes, a smug look of excitement on his face. “We’re having a girl?”

“You are,” Dr. Weston nodded. “I hope it’s okay that you know now.”

Harry clapped his hands together and stood from his seat. “I knew it, Y/N. I totally called it.”

“It’s fine that we know, we wanted to,” you assured her. Harry had already grabbed his phone, likely bragging to Jeff and Glenne that he’d been right. “Now I just have to deal with this know it all, now.”

“Well congratulations,” she removed the probe and clicked a few things on the screen. “Fourteen weeks and everything looks great.”

You smiled, sat up and looked over at Harry, he looked up from his phone and smiled at you. “S’a girl.”

“I know,” you nodded, voice quiet. 

Dr. Weston ducked out of the room quietly, saying she’d see you soon before shutting the door to offer privacy.

“Did you already tell everyone we know?”

“No,” he laughed, letting his phone call into his pocket. “Just my mum and sister.”

You hopped down from the table and he handed you your clothes. 

“Are you happy it’s a girl?”

“I’m happy she’s healthy, and that I’m healthy,” you laughed. “But yes--a girl will be fun.”

“We’d make anything fun,” he said, stepping forward to wrap his arms around your shoulders, the fabric of the gown was scratchy on your skin. You looked up at him, and for a second, you wondered how it would feel to kiss him.

**

Jeff’s mouth was wide open, he was still, a look of shock on his face as Glenne let out a laugh loud enough that the neighbor’s might complain.

“Don’t,” Harry groaned, his eyes pleading with you to not embarrass him any further. 

“They were expired?!” Lexi’s eyes were wide, she looked between the two of you from her spot on the floor, take out on her lap. “That’s fucked man.”

“I didn’t know they were, obviously!” He defended.

Glenne shrugged her shoulders. “Just getting laid that infrequently.” 

“Alright, s’not my primary residence.”

“So wait,” Jeff said. “When did you find this out?”

A drop in your stomach, the nervous kind like you’d said the wrong thing. 

“When she was over once for dinner. Gave her the grand tour and we obviously had to stop by the scene of the crime,” Harry borrowed the language you once used to describe his sprawling bedroom. 

“He can definitely cook but apparently he doesn’t read expiration dates,” you laughed.

“So it’s all your fault,” Lexi laughed, reaching for another drink. “Bet that was tough news.”

Your eyes flashed over to Jeff, curious to see his reaction. In a way, Lexi wasn’t wrong. Sure--you’d fed Harry the response that it’s no one’s fault, and yeah, okay, you could live with that being the agreement everyone settled on. 

But it was also nice to know that it wasn’t anything you did. 

Harry rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off the couch when his phone rang. “One day you’re all going to feel terrible for saying that when you’re in love with our baby. It’s John--I’ll take it outside.”

Jeff followed behind him when Harry signaled for him to, the back door to the patio and small yard slid shut behind them.

“How ya been doin’ lately?” Glenne asked, leaning forward to grab the glass of wine she’d been nursing. 

“Fine,” you said. 

“Yeah?” She eyed you skeptically, Lexi dunked her fork into her green curry. 

“I’m handling the stress and constant anxiety as best as I can,” you admitted.

Glenne pouted. “What are you anxious about?” 

You let out a sigh, hesitant to say anything that would make her feel in the middle. “I just feel like Jeff thinks I fucked everything up or did this on purpose.”

Lexi sipped at her glass of wine. “What makes you think that?”

“I dunno--every time we’re all together I feel like he wants me to maintain a six foot distance or something.”

“He can’t tell you what to do or how to interact with him, Y/N,” Glenned tried to reassure you. “All he can do is give advice or give his input.”

“What if his input to Harry is that he shouldn’t ever talk to me or see me?”

“Bitch, you outrank him!” Lexi sat up straight and looked at you like you were losing your mind. “He’s his manager, he’s a friend. You are the mother of that man’s child. You are going to push his baby through your coochie!”

You let out a laugh, threw her a sideways glance. “I mean, I don’t know if outrank is fair.”

Glenne held up a hand, trying to get her two cents in before Lexi went off again. “He’s not mad--I don’t know why you think he’s mad.”

“Okay--fine, he’s not mad. But do you really want to try to convince me that I’m his favorite person on the planet right now?”

She rolled her eyes at that. “Y/N--he’s stressed. His client got his girlfriend’s friend knocked up. This is all going to explode into a thousand crazy headlines and he’s trying to keep it all somewhat contained. He loves you.”

You let out a long sigh at that, looked through the sliding door and watched as Harry gestured wildly, the phone sat on the small patio table between them. Jeff laughed at something he said and sipped at the beer that Harry was undoubtedly jealous of. 

Jeff had always thought you were funny. You knew that. When you got a good amount of tequila in you, you were no stranger to comedy or outrageous accents with Lexi and Glenne. Jeff would laugh his head off and there was even one time he made you drunkenly take obnoxious snapchat selfies with the stupid filters. It was probably the highlight of your relationship. 

So that night, after dinner was eaten and Netflix was watched, you tried to harness the courage that Lexi and Glenne had instilled in you. 

When Jeff came out of the bathroom, Glenne pulled herself up from a couch, a dramatic groan escaped her mouth when she smiled over at you and stretched. “Alright, my dear. Eat well, sleep well, take care of that sweet little muffin.”

“Okay,” you nodded. “So far, so good.”

Lexi had already retreated to her room, beauty sleep, y’all. Jeff waited as Glenne put her wine glass in the sink, hands on his hips. “Are you hitting the road too?”

His question was directed at Harry. He shifted on the couch. “Uh--might stay for a bit, if that’s alright?” 

Now he looked at you, and once again, you wondered if this sort of thing was allowed. An awkward look in Jeff’s direction, Glenne’s eyes were a bit wide, a smirk threatened to twist her lips into a full blown smile. 

“Yeah,” you said, looking around at all of them. “S’fine.”

You were all for following the rules and doing what you needed to do to protect everyone. But something about watching another episode of The Office on Netflix with the father of your child felt pretty safe. And maybe Glenne was right. Maybe you did outrank him. And if you didn’t, maybe one day you would. 

“Alright, well, we’ll see you both at some point in the next week, I’m sure.”

“Are we on for Saturday night still? With Tom?”

“Yeah,” Jeff said, watching as Glenne grabbed her purse from the counter. “I’ll text you.”

They said their goodbyes and headed out the front door, when it clicked into place you looked over at Harry. 

“Would you actually tell me if Jeff hated me?”

“Why would he hate you?”

“Because you got me pregnant.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” he shook his head, a smile tugged at his lips. “S’my fault, remember?”

“He might not see it that way.”

He rolled his eyes at you. “I just know.”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me, I would know if he hated you. He’s a terrible liar. He’d never be able to hang out with you if he didn’t like you.”

You were quiet, looked back down at the remote in your hands and picked at the skin around your thumb. 

He turned himself towards you on the couch, his voice quiet in the living room. “Why are you nervous about that?”

You shrugged, trying to fight back a smile. “I’m still trying to get over the whole fear about ruining your life.”

He rolled his eyes at that, a laugh escaping his lips when his arm reached up to the back of the couch. “You’re ridiculous! I can tell you a thousand times and you won’t believe me.”

“Probably not.”

“You didn’t ruin my life.”

“Okay.” You stood from the couch and moved towards the kitchen, bringing the glass that Lexi had left behind over to the dishwasher. 

He followed behind, watched with narrowed eyes as you tried to tidy. “I mean it,” he laughed. 

You turned around, hands on the counter as you looked at him. It was late, the light in Lexi’s room was off, you hoped she didn’t have her ear pressed up against the door. Mostly because you didn’t want her to hear what you said next. 

“I just don’t want you to leave.”

He took a step forward, brows furrowed. “Tonight?”

“No--like, in general.”

His lips parted at that, a pause before he sighed, another step forward. 

“Sorry,” you said quickly. “I didn’t mean to be weird. I’m just--scared sometimes.”

“I know,” he was close now, his chest almost pressed against yours. His fingers reached up and tugged at the hem of your shirt, “I’m not going anywhere.”

You nodded, stared down at the floor now as if looking up in his eyes would somehow make it more risky. As if ignoring the fear and the doubt and everything that bubbled inside of you when you tried to get your mind off of it would keep you safe, keep her safe. 

His hand nudged at your chin, lifted it up so you had to look at him. Something in his eyes felt promising--or maybe it was the way you felt his lips curl into a smile once they were pressed against yours.

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

**author’s note: **FINALLY!!!!! No but really, thank god. It’s been tough to wait to share that with you. Things are finally heating up in here! You know I’m a fucking sucker for a slow burn.

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry @stylesfics-xx @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila @mell-love @anssu-amry @yelllowgrass @littlesoldierelleora @styles217 @rachkon @c-h-e-r-r-y-y @myhat  @rosegoldbel @passionate-dreamerr @grammyforstyles @haute-romance-quotidienne @dontgiveupthedayjob @ursamajor603 @craic-head-horan @heavenspidey @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @blackxxmagicc @winter-soldier-007 @ssllbb @wanderlustiing @jdcharliewhiskey  @caritocp @kaybee87 @wildbeee @hsunflowervol @harrys-medicines @tobe-sogolden @theresnooneheretosave @1d-tommo5 @soullikestyles @mrsfstyles  @you-youneverdo @fstopsteph @cock-a-doodely-doo @hinaesthethicc @s-u-t @mleestiles @rubytersteege @heartsandwheels @rainbowparadiseharry @ainatirb-j @sing-me-a-song-harry @g0bl1nqueen @mmithharold @harrymfingstyless @yourpolaroid07 @zarrysfineline @cronias13

[gaylotusthatexists]

may i have one 'shot with an arrow" with intrulogical, please?

hunting

fandom: sanders sides

pairing: intrulogical 

prompt: shot with an arrow

trigger warnings: morally grey/sympathetic remus, weapons, animal death, blood mention, injury mention

word count: 2391

a/n: hey!!! it's been a while since i posted anything for the @badthingshappenbingo but! i'm back babey, here we go! thank u for requesting this friendo u know how much of a slut i am for intrulogical. 

ao3

The one thing that Logan hadn't expected today was for Remus to break down his door and drag him out to the Imagination, very much against Logan's will. Logan supposed he didn't have an excuse to get out of it, though - he was ahead of schedule in doing his jobs for Thomas, and had actually allocated that day to rest, perhaps to read a few astrology books from the steadily increasing pile on the corner of his desk. However, those plans were soon thwarted as Remus explained his own plans.

Logan somewhat got along with Remus, unlike the other light sides, although he'd never thought that he would ever be Remus' first choice to play around with - or 'torment', as Remus liked to put it, although Logan knew that was just his way of showing affection. Apparently, Janus had been busy that day - something about Thomas working too hard lately, the two of them were having a 'self care day' according to Remus - which meant that Remus had come to Logan instead. Which would usually be fine - Remus often came to 'hang out' with Logan, although that usually consisted of Remus ranting at him whilst Logan worked. This was the first time that Remus had taken Logan into the Imagination.

"Might I inquire what we are actually doing here?" Logan asked, calmly walking alongside a bouncy Remus through the Dark Forest.

"I was bored," Remus said.

Logan sighed. "Yes, Remus, I'm quite aware of that. But that doesn't explain why I am here, or what activities you have in store for us."

"Basically, I was reading The Hunger Games last night-"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "You can read?"

Ignoring Logan's statement but throwing him a glare, Remus continued, "-and I wanna learn archery. And maybe go hunting. So I made an archery range to practise!"

Logan breathed in. "Is that safe?"

"Who cares about safety?"

"I care about safety."

"Well, you're a nerd-"

"I'd just prefer not to die."

"Boring."

Logan sighed. "Please just tell me it's safe."

"Yeah, sure, it's safe or whatever." Remus grinned. "You'll like it, though!"

Logan nodded. "Sure." Over the years, he'd found that it was better to just agree with Remus.

Eventually, the two came across an archery range, where two targets, two bows and several arrows were waiting. One bow had been painted a sickening shade of green and decorated with tiny tentacles, and the other had been painted a solid dark blue, with some white lines dotted around. Logan hummed.

"Did you make these yourself?" he asked, as Remus picked up the green bow and got himself into position.

"Yeah. I didn't sleep last night."

Logan frowned. "Remus, sleep is important, you shouldn't be skipping out on that just to paint something."

"You can't say anything, I know you stayed up late last night reading Sherlock for the hundredth time."

"That's only because I don't have time to read it during the-" He paused. "Wait, how do you know what I doing last night?"

Remus shrugged. He hooked an arrow onto the string and pulled back, sending it flying into the air. It flew straight over the target, landing on the ground a few metres behind the targets.

Logan sighed. "Remus, if you're going to shoot an arrow, at least aim." He stepped towards Remus, as Remus went to get another arrow. "Oh, Lord, you're not even holding it correctly. Here-" He reached up and moved Remus' fingers so one was above the arrow and two below, then fixed his grip on the bow itself. "Alright, now pull to your cheek, try to centre the arrow on the target, and-"

Remus shot the arrow, landing straight on the target. A little off centre, in the red section, but still a pretty good shot. Remus grinned in excitement and immediately went to get another arrow, taking another shot. This time, the arrow bounced off the board, landing in the ground below. Remus pouted.

Logan chuckled lightly. "You need to keep up your technique with every shot, Remus. Don't loosen your grip."

"You're such a nerd, Logan," Remus said, taking another shot and this time getting closer to the bullseye. "How come you know how archery works?"

Logan didn't want to tell Remus about his three am Wikipedia trips learning about subjects that had never particularly interested him but sure were fascinating when he had nothing else to be thinking about, or didn't want to go to sleep, so instead he grabbed his own bow and took a few shots himself, all landing pretty close to the bullseye, one only just off the centre. Remus turned to him, admiration in his eyes.

"I take back what I said about you being a nerd, that was so cool."

Logan gave him a small smile, trying to ignore the fact he was blushing a little. "Well, you're doing a good job yourself, as well."

Remus grabbed his hand and began to run off, dragging Logan with him. "C'mon! We can go hunt real things now-"

"Remus, I don't think-"

Remus shushed him and continued running, deeper into the Dark Forest. He summoned a quiver around his own shoulder and one around Logan's, filled with a never ending supply of arrows. It didn't seem like Logan would be able to get out of this.

Eventually, they stopped as they came across a clearing, with a few deer standing around. Remus ducked under a bush, dragging Logan with him.

"Try to hit that one," Remus whispered, pointing to a large one in the middle.

Logan sighed. "Do I have to? They're deers. They haven't done anything to us."

"They aren't real deers, Logan. They'll be fine. This is just for fun."

Logan breathed in. "Alright." He hooked an arrow onto his bow and aimed towards the deer, trying to keep his breath steady as he released it and watched the arrow soar through the sky, hitting the deers shoulder. It cried out in pain and collapsed to the floor, the other deers running away. Logan couldn't help but feel a little sad.

But Remus was smiling so much, and Logan did like seeing him happy. "You did it!" He exclaimed, jumping out of the bush. He clicked his fingers and the deer came back to life, looking a little confused but beginning to wander around the forest again, the arrow previously stuck in its back disappearing. "C'mon, let's go find more things to kill!"

The two began to walk through the forest now, falling into a comfortable silence as they looked around for their next prey. Logan had to admit that he was... somewhat enjoying this. The forest was a fairly pleasant place to be - being surrounded by nature was calming in a sense, and seeing the various creatures that Remus choose as his targets was actually quite interesting, some of these creatures Logan had never seen up close before and it was certainly an eye opening experience. Of course, he would have much preferred seeing the animals in a context where he wasn't killing them, but still, it was an enjoyable enough experience.

And there was something about Remus' forest that made Logan want to explore even more. He very rarely came to the Imagination, usually only popping in to check on Roman in times where Patton was unavailable, but he had never come to the Dark Imagination. He'd been expecting something a little more... dark, to put things simply, although what he'd been met with was a pretty realistic forest, with a scientifically accurate ecosystem, hardly any nonsense (asides from Remus' apparent ability to revive dead fauna). It was a stark difference from the Light Forest, with danger at every turn and a hundred different species that Logan was a hundred percent certain did not exist in real life, or should even exist in the realm of fiction.

This forest was nice, though. Logan was half tempted to come back here alone at some point, it seemed like an alright place to carry out some research, perhaps a little camping trip would do him some good. He could almost imagine it, a little tent by that stream over there, the berries on that bush didn't appear to be poisonous, there was a family of deer just beyond the stream that he could work with...

"Logan, duck!" Remus shouted, from behind him.

"Duck?" Logan spun around to face Remus, then looked around the area for this supposed duck. "Where?" He failed to notice the arrow quickly flying towards him, and the look of horror on Remus' face as the arrow pierced through Logan's chest.

Or rather, he noticed it a little too late. Logan glanced down at the arrow lodged quite a bit into his skin, looked at the blood beginning to soak through his shirt, and promptly began to freak out. On the outside he tried to maintain a composed look, but on the inside his mind was screaming and he was fairly certain that he was about to die. Well, logically he knew that he couldn't die, and even if he did Remus could just bring him back to life, but damn he had never felt this much pain in his life-

Pain. Pain. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt. He felt himself fall to his knees as all his limbs began to ache, the sharp pain extending from his chest and spreading across his entire body. He felt tears prick at his eyes and his vision become blurry - or was that just his glasses falling off, or- no, no, everything was growing dark as well, and he could feel the blood dripping down his skin, finding it harder and harder to breath.

He felt a hand touch his shoulder, pulling him up and reaching around the arrow.

"No!" Logan exclaimed, wincing at the sudden movement as he twisted his body to face Remus, a look of panic spread across his face.

"Logan, you-"

"Taking-" He took a gulp of air. "Taking it out will make it worse."

"Are- Are you okay?" Remus asked, gently.

"Yes, Remus, I'm doing just great, it's not as if I have a fucking arrow in my chest."

"Okay, okay, that was a dumb question, I'm sorry, I-" Remus breathed in. "If I'm not allowed to take it out, what are we supposed to do?"

Logan bounced his leg up and down, trying to get his thoughts straight and to push the pain down. "I don't know, this is your imagination, can't you get it to go away or something?" Remus' various weapons never usually hurt Logan when he was hit by them, Remus could never usually affect him, why was it different here?

"It's not my imagination, it's Thomas', I-"

"You fixed those animals earlier, can't you-"

"They weren't real, Logan-"

"So? I'm not real either."

"You're real to Thomas."

"Just do something," Logan snapped, getting increasingly frustrated with their back and forth.

Remus glanced around the forest for a second, trying to figure out his next move, before snapping his fingers and picking Logan up. A building had opened up in front of them, some sort of Medieval-style hospital, or... no, more like a witches hut. As he was carried inside, Logan glanced around to take everything in, another attempt to distract himself from the pain. There were bottles of various coloured liquids lining the walls, along with more modern looking medical supplies on tables, and a bed in the far side where Remus went to place Logan down. A woman came out and began to treat Logan's wound, carefully taking out the arrow and rubbing various liquids into it until the pain had soothed just a little. She then wrapped a bandage around Logan's chest, a little too tight for comfort but it kept the blood in, at least. The entire time, Remus held his hand, squeezing it in a comforting manner.

Eventually, the woman disappeared, and Logan's vision slowly return to normal. The pain was still there, but a lot better, and he could breathe much, much better now. After a long silence, he looked up at Remus, frowning at the tears staining his cheeks.

"Remus, are you-"

"I'm so sorry," Remus choked out, squeezing Logan's hand tighter. "I didn't- I didn't realise-"

"There's no need to be sorry, Remus," Logan said, calmly. Inside he was anything but calm, but he needed Remus to know that he wasn't mad at him. "I'm actually rather proud of you, that was quite an impressive shot, considering earlier today you could hardly hit a target-"

"Now isn't the time to compliment me, Logan, you could have died, I almost killed you!"

"I seriously doubt that I would have died," Logan said. "I don't believe it's possible for me to die, being a figment of Thomas' imagination and all-"

"That isn't the point." Remus was crying again. Logan couldn't quite figure out why. "I- I was worried, what if-"

"Why would you be worried about me?" Logan asked, genuinely confused.

"I fucking care about you, Logan, why wouldn't I be worried about someone I care for almost dying?"

Logan blinked. "You... care about me?"

"Of course I do, why would you think I don't?"

"I- I don't know." Logan hummed. "I mean, you hit me with all those weapons daily, and I know it never really affects me but it doesn't exactly scream 'friendship'. I was under the impression that you didn't care about anyone, actually."

Remus collapsed onto him, hugging him tightly. Logan tried not to wince at the sudden pressure, and instead awkwardly patted Remus on the back. "Well, I care about you. Don't scare me like that again."

"I mean, you're the one who hit me in the first place-"

Remus shushed him. Logan sighed, sitting up in the bed and pulled Remus into a proper hug, to which Remus' eyes lit up.

"Maybe we should stop with the archery," Logan suggested.

Remus snorted. "Yeah, okay, in hindsight, it wasn't really a good idea."

Logan smiled. "I did have fun, though."

Remus gasped. "Really?"

"Of course."

Remus hugged even tighter. Logan planted a small kiss on Remus' forehead, and then allowed Remus to sink into his body, as Logan tightened his own grip around Remus as well. The two refused to ever let go.

[emilycollins00]

A3 actors! Stage for two

Type: Oneshot

Pairing: Citron x Reader

Themes: Crushes / Entertainment

There were two noticeable things the workers from the shopping district of Veludo Way could say about Y/N with absolutely certainty; One, you would go out of your way to help anyone in need and two, you had a humongous crush on the extravagant and lovable Citron from Mankai. 

"Morning my dearest ladies! I have come to find the best products in the city" the young man arrived with his hands already full of bags, smiling at both you and your mother. Looks like it was his turn to do shopping although he pretty much spent his morning around the district anyway. 

"Oh, you flatterer" your mom scolded him but laughed delighted, visibly loving the words “What can we get for you today?” 

Even as you took out some new boxes from inside the store, and therefore only showing your back, you could still feel the heat in your cheeks spreading by the sound of his voice "Fufu, I see lovely Y/N at the store today!" 

You laughed nervously, not expecting to be noticed “M-morning, Citron!” you turned to greet him while wishing you had at least brought another shirt on this very hot day. It was only midday and you were already sweating. 

It had turned into a custom for some time now for the blond foreigner to visit the shops, becoming in no time the idol of the district. He was usually found helping the old owners and grandmas with heavy tasks or just chatting around with everyone. At times he even displayed some street acts which also helped attract clients. “So, do you have any performance for us today?”

"Ah, I’m afraid this time the tail of wonders will have to wait as I’m in a hurry for food”” 

"You meant a tale, didn’t you?" The owner of the bakery in front of your shop, a man in his fifties laughed noisy but genuinely "I swear… don't know how you can still make understandable sentences, boy" 

Citron smiled, placing one of his hands over his chest "Yes, the Japanese language is tricky Ookami-san! Perhaps I could reach you some tongue twister from my native country for a friendly competition” 

The old baker laughed again, not bothering to correct him "I'd like that! I'm sure we could have a good time"

"Here you go Citron-san" your mother called him as she handed you the big bag "I added a few products we just got this morning, enjoy them with everyone at Mankai" 

"You are too generous, ma’am. I’ll make sure everyone tastes the deliciousness you provided for us” 

“Her- uh, Here you go Citron” you looked up to see if he would take his order when you found him staring at you with a warm, gorgeous smile. 

“Honda-san just told me you went this morning to help her cleaning the store, yes?” you nodded shortly, mentally face palming yourself. Why did he always ended up knowing what were you doing? No, why did everyone decided they needed to play cupid for you? 

“Please do ask for me if you do again hard work. I will happily go with you” he kept talking earnestly. Your mouth opened and closed with no words coming out of it. You cursed your blank state of mind around him. 

“I, um will. Yes. I’ll call. You, I mean. Uh… Thanks”

“No, thank you, miss Y/N. Hope you have an enjoyable day” 

You both bowed, managing to exchange a normal farewell. As he left, you couldn’t help but stare longingly at his back. Once he wasn't visible anymore, you let out a brief sight. All the tension you had contained leaving your body. 

"Oh come on, Y/N, you should have at least asked him how was his day" 

"Mom!"

"Still becoming a mess when Citron appears in front of them, uh?" one of your usual clients, an old lady living not far, smiled sympathetically at your mother. A few other laughed agreeing with the comment.

"No man like that stays single for long, Y/N. Even I fell for his personality and looks after the first time I saw him" Ookami crossed his arms in serious thought.

You groaned frustrated "Could everyone stop talking as if I wasn't here, please?" you got comments like that every time Citron came. And he came by A LOT.

"We are just saying, honey" your mother cleaned her hands and put a hand on your shoulder "Citron-san is a wonderful man and you yourself are a lovely and reliable person. If you like him that much, you should try to ask him go somewhere together"

"Yeah, I'm sure he'd be delighted to go anywhere"

"Right, last time as he helped me carry the new furniture to my house he saw the Kokeshi Doll I bought in Kyoto for my grandchildren, and his eyes went wide"

“Ah, but Kyoto is too far, don’t you think?”

"Oh, that's right you went to visit your sister! How's she?"

Everyone finally seemed to leave the topic of your living crush behind, so you went on to prepare the orders of the new coming clients.

It was not as if you liked evolving into a tomato whenever you saw Citron. His gentle mannerisms and way of talking just marvelled you and you found too endearing whenever he misspoke a word and laughed at it rather than becoming frustrated. Before you knew it, every time you started talking with him you couldn’t even look directly at his eyes without making a fool of yourself.

Also, he was one of the most good-looking people you had seen.

                                      .......................………………….

Next day, Citron arrived earlier than he usually did. He had a bunch of posters so it was most likely they had a new performance approaching and everyone at the theatre started publiciting again.

“This is beautibul Citron-san! Which turn is it, Summer troupe right?” your mother took one and posted on the walk of the store “Those kids are genuily adorable”

He nodded proudly “Yes, Sakyo asked me to come and prepare a few acts while I was delivering our publicity. Also because I failed lottery for choosing pairs I was hoping I could find a another one for today’s act” he looked at you, awaiting for what you thought was a confirmation from your part.

Oh?

Oh, no. You laughed looking around for some hole to hide in. He couldn't POSSIBLY be asking you. Even Ookami-san would do a better job.

“Please Y/N, I am in real need of imittance”

Just how did this person come up with such complex words?! “…you mean assistance?”

“Yes, that is correct!” he walked behind you and push you in the middle of the street “Don’t worry, I’m a professional. We’ll have a very good time!”

“Please Citron, I-“

“Oh my, what a wonderful vision has appeared in my sight! If it’s not the goddess of my dreams!" his loud voice caught many casual strollers, stopping to take a look at what was going to happen. You on the other hand, wanted to be able to turn invisible. You couldn’t talk normally to him on a good day. How could you make a good acting partner?

"A street act?"

"Seems like it. Wanna watch?"

"Ey, he's a member of the Mankai theatre! I saw their last performance; they are crazy good!"

You stood there in silence, still not knowing what to do. Suddenly, the foreigner took both of your hands and leaned closer. Great, now besides wanting to turn invisible, you also started wishing your hands stopped sweating so much.

"Since the first time we met, your self has run through my mind day and night, I can’t stop these feelings anymore!” he let go of your hands as he opened his arms, going on a monologue that you tried to follow, but ultimately failed. You saw from the corner of your eye your mom and everyone else invested in the performance.

“…and so, will you do me honour of accompanying me tonight to a tour over the river, to enjoy the gazing of the stars together?"

Everyone's faces turned to you, waiting in anticipation. What were you supposed to say? "I, ah… yes, I’ll go to the river with you" 

“Thank you for granting this poor dreamer his wish. My eternal heart is to you” he kneeled and kissed the back of your hand.

 A few seconds later, Citron got up and bowed. Not surprisingly, the crowd burst in applauses. There were some who were even whistling. 

“That was amazing!”

“Oh god, how can someone be so charming!” 

True to many comments, one of the few times when the foreigner seemed to concentrate better on using words was on his performances. Of course, this one hadn’t been an exception. 

“Sweetie that was amazing!” your mother clapped her hands as she walked to you “Such a romantic act, Citron-san is a very good actor”

As some of the people from the district called you out trying to poke fun at you or just to say you did good, you looked at the other big gathering crowd were Citron was, at the moment, greeting and sharing posters. At one point, you both exchanged glanced, him winking at your direction. You blushed furiously. Just what had happened? 

After the multitude left, you heard the young man calling for you. The thumping you had managed to calm down started racing at full speed “So, Miss Y/N” he pronounced your name tenderly “I assume I could meet as we said for a walk over the river tonight?”

What?

"U-uh? Wasn’t that the…? I mean, you usually- Uh?"

"Every act we actors perform hides some truth or desire in it" he winked at you again. You wished he didn't. It wasn't good for your heart "I was hoping we could make it true"

You stopped working. Feeling his grey eyes still on you, you remember an answer was supposed to happen so you tried to nod, knowing if you opened your mouth something wrong would come out of it.

Citron blinded you with the biggest smile you had seen him "Wonderful! I hope picking you would be alright, yes?" you nodded again, still not saying a word. He laughed taking your hand, similar at how he had done in the street act "Then, until tonight arrives, lovely lady"

You didn't know how your legs didn't gave up before you walked inside your house. One thing was certain thought.

You were sure you had been picked up by a prince in disguise.

_________________________________________________________

I had so much fun writing this Citron oneshot. I feel like he doesn’t really have filtrer or at least, he doesn’t feel like using it most of the time but well, it’s hilarious I guess it’s okay. He’s indeed a key character in Mankai. 

Hope you guys liked it! Have a wonderful day!

[chocafe]

— seungwoo as your boyfriend

pairing: boyfriend!seungwoo x reader a/n: requested + to help me understand more of seungwoo’s personality, i watched this video! i recommend everyone to watch it if you want to fall in love with him in the span of fifteen minutes.  (●˙꒳˙●)

as we all know, seungwoo is a born leader

with that being said, he’s usually the one leading the relationship

when it comes to planning dates, seungwoo is the who’s always in charge of coming up with date ideas and scheduling them also

it’s not because you’re incapable of doing so

it’s simply because seungwoo wants to surprise you with the different date ideas he comes up with (he doesn't mind doing this task and if anything, he enjoys it)

he’s basically a hopeless romantic, what more can i say?

adding onto that statement

seungwoo is normally the first one to start flirting out of you two

and is always the first one to start off your guys kiss

as he’s always pulling you in for a kiss at the moments you’re least expecting them

he lowkey gets jealous whenever you talk about his sister

at first, he was more than happy to tell you all about his lovely sister

but once you brought her up in every conversation

jealousy overcame him and now he can’t stand it

you: is sunhwa going to be there?

you: when can i meet her?

you: do you know what color sunhwa likes? because i’m thinking about buying a dress for her

you: she’s so pretty!!! i can’t believe you’re really related to her

seungwoo, with his whole chest: HELLO? WHICH SIBLING ARE YOU DATING??? ARE YOU DATING MY SISTER OR ME????

matching couple shirts isn’t really your guys type of style

minimalist is where it’s at!

instead of couple shirts, you two match your outfits by wearing the same color scheme

for example: you’d wear a beige pullover while seungwoo would wear a beige (one shade slightly darker) coat

do you want seungwoo to do whatever you want him to do?

well, all you need to do is sweet talk him

and then you’ll have him wrapped around your finger

“can you drive me to starbucks?” you ask seungwoo, putting on your best puppy face in hopes of convincing him

“ah.” he responds back from the couch he’s laying on top of. “i’m too lazy to drive right now.”

it didn’t matter what the circumstance was

you were not going to take “no” for an answer

you knew what you had to do in that very moment ( ಠ◡ಠ )

“seungwoo,” you softly whisper into his ears as cold air presses against his skin. “you know that i really love you, right?”

in a millisecond, he’s up off the couch and grabbing a hold of his car keys “let’s go.”

he takes your guys relationship very serious

there’s some people who date just for the hell of it

but seungwoo isn’t like that

maybe it’s because he’s getting older and wiser as the days past by

which is why he only dates people if he can legitimately see a future with them

do you get it? he sees a future with you, so don’t be surprised if he proposes to you anytime soon

if he’s physically not with you

then he’s too busy thinking about you

you’re running through his mind 24/7

[txt] seungwoo: i miss you bb 🥺 when is the next time i can see you?

[txt] you: bro wys… we spent the whole day together and i seriously just left your house five minutes ago

[txt] seungwoo: so tomorrow then? sounds like a date! ;)

[txt] you: i literally said nothing

tries his best to be as composed as he possibly can in public

so he can look like the

*~*responsible and mature bf everyone wishes for*~*

but behind closed doors

he’s like a child who won’t stop annoying you 

all just because he wants your attention

when the two of you are home alone

seungwoo would unfailingly walk around without a shirt on

“hey!” you shout out loud, throwing a pillow at seungwoo. “go put on a shirt, you animal!”

“why are you acting like you’ve never seen me shirtless before?” he chuckles to himself, slowly walking towards your way (which causes you to shift into insane mode)

and on the days where you two can’t meet

he would facetime you through the phone

“what are you doing at a time like this?” you casually say once the video call begins

seungwoo flips the camera towards his computer and then right back at him “i’m working on another song. i think you’ll like this song once i finish it up.”

“what makes you think that?”

“because it’s a song written about you.”

he has soooo many songs written about you, but they’re all secretly stored inside of his computer

cuddles with seungwoo ʚ♡ɞ

spooning . . . expect a lot of spooning

he doesn’t mind being the small or big spoon

as long as he has you wrapped around his arms

then he’s fine with any role!

so he usually just waits to see what you do. if you choose to be the small spoon, then he’d be the big spoon and vice verse

when you’re wrapped around his arms, don’t expect any gaps in between you two

personal space? 

what’s that?

seungwoo acts like this because he simply wants to be close to you (and he’ll make every moment worth it)

“can you loosen up a bit?” you request, noticeably trying to break out of his arms

“why? do you not want to cuddle?” seungwoo digs his face into your neck, slightly grazing his nose over your skin

“it’s not that. it’s just that i can barely move─”

“well, i think we’re fine just the way we are because i want to be as close to your heart as i can.” he brings his head back up and grins widely at you, awaiting for your response

once you saw seungwoo’s iconic smile, you knew that it was game over

he knows how much you love his smile

and he for sure uses it at his advantage

“i guess this is fine then.”

you’re over here like wtf why did u have to smile and say that bc now im completely fine being wrapped up like a mummy

“great!” he shouts out loud

rather than tightening his grip around you

he swiftly brings his hand to your chin

pulling you in for a soft kiss to start off your guys cuddle session

for a second, you were left speechless

because here seungwoo goes again! 

kissing you at random times like this ! ! !

“seriously, why do you always do that?” you pretended to act angry, when in reality, you loved it

“is it entirely my fault that i’m in love with you? come on!”

[jungshookz]

demons and angels and nurses, oh my!; myg

😈 pairing: min yoongi x reader

😈 genre: spooktober day (2/7); demon!yoongiverse because it wouldn’t be halloween wiThout everyone’s favourite demon; costume shopping is always cute!!

😈 wordcount: 2.1k

😈 note: demon!yoongi told me that if i didn’t write a spooktober drabble for him he would stand in the corner of my room at night and watch me so here he is!!!! i’m trying to keep these drabbles short n sweet but i apologize if it seems like there isn’t much substance to this one but pouty yoongi and costume shopping is CUTE suE ME 

(picture source here! again, having some trouble finding the original-original source of the picture because it’s literally on everyone’s pinterest page lol) 

                                      ◢▅◣Ξ◥▅◤Ξ◢▅◣Ξ◥▅◤

this is supposed to be the most beautiful time of the year for yoongi

the leaves are dying

the rain is falling

the pumpkins are spicing

so he doesn’t understand whY he isn’t out in the world wreaking havoc on everyone and is instead stuck shopping with you!!!

(for the record he loves you and cherishes this relationship but PLEASE for the love of satan he needs to get the hell out of here before he falls asleep)

not to be a grump or anything but you guys have been at the costume store for a solid 2 hours and yoongi’s ass is getting sO sore from sitting on the bench for so long

“you know, the key word in couple’s costume is ‘couple’. and so far, this has been a very one-sided couple.”

yoongi glances up from his phone and snorts when he sees you dressed up as a bottle of mustard

“look, i even took mustard so you could have ketchup! ketchup is red and red is the colour of your eyes when you get upset!!”

“well, that’s very thoughtful of you.”

here’s the thing

jungkook’s throwing his annual halloween party (this is the first time he’s throwing it at an actual venue and not his musty dusty cruSty apartment)

would it be so vEry wrong of you to show up there with yoongi? your boyfriend? your devilishly (hA) attractive boyfriend who you would very much like to rub in everyone’s faces?

also there’s literally a 2 for 1 deal on couple’s costume so it would be crazy for you noT to take advantage of that

here’s a list of the couple’s costumes that yoongi has rejected so far:

salt and pepper

milk and cookies

peanut butter and jelly

(you skipped lunch today so maybe that’s why you’ve been choosing a lot of food-themed costumes)

pennywise and georgie!!!!! yoU thought yoongi looked so cute in that yellow raincoat

plus you were kinda feeling that pennywise wig on yourself

a bar of soap and a loOFah

eggs and bacon (again, ya didn’t eat lunch)

you tried to make this experience more fun for yoongi by letting him choose some costumes for you guys but he ended up just choosing costumes for yoU which meant a lot of sexy [insert literally any kind of person/place/thing here]

surprisingly enough he wasn’t a fan of the demon one

in all honesty it was kinda taCky

the cheap red paper horns

the flimsy pitchfork

the pointy, scrawny little taiL

humans really need to be more open minded when it comes to how demons look nowadays

“i am burning up for you, nurse y/l/n…“ yoongi whistles lowly as you step out of the changing room wearing yet another one of his tasteful selections

you don’t understand why there are sexy nurses but there aren’t any sexy doctors

but that’s a conversation for another time

for now you’re trying to figure out how to walk properly without having the dress rise up and expose your enTire ass to this store

you’re not even sure if this costume is in your size considering how tight it is

you feel like if you cough weirdly you’re going to pOp a button and everyone’s going to get a nice look at your boobs

“you’re not taking this seriously anymore.” you grumble as yoongi leans forward to grab your wrists and pull you closer to him

“what do you mean?” he hums as he begins to slide his hand up from the back of your thigh to your- “oW-“ yoongi pushes his bottom lip out in a pout when you swAt his hand away before he can get to the motherland

“i wanna win the costume party and we’re not going to win if i show up wearing a sexy nurse’s outfit and you show up wearing- well, normal clothes!”

yoongi lets out a sigh and props his chin up against your torso and you instinctively reach down to push his hair back “we can go as like, a professor and a student or something.”

“…we’re dressing up for halloween, we’re not shooting a porno film-“

“it’s just- halloween is the one night of the year that i’m free from my demon duties and i get to do whatever i want and i- i don’t know, i guess i think it’d be a little siLLy using that time to put on some silly costumes and hang out at jungkook’s place with a bunch of people i barely know. plus - a couple months back when we were talking about halloween you said that you’d be okay with me disappearing for 24 hours!” yoongi pouts up at you and bats his lashes

okay

he has a good point

you dO remember having that conversation with him

and it’s true, the fact that he only gets 1 day out of 365 days off

if he wants to spend that one day hanging out with his demon friends then he can do that

it’s just.,,.

u don’t want to sound like a brAt or anything but

!!!!

halloween is so much moRe fun when you get to dress up with your significant other!!!!!

and u don’t like that he’s calling it silly because now yoU feel silly for enjoying the dress-up aspect of halloween

and now you’re going to have to show up to this party aLone which is not ideal because you already told like 8 people that you were bringing your boYfriEnd

>:-(

u know what

it’s whatever

it’s not worth getting into an argument over

you’re fine!

it’s fine

it’s whatever

“that’s fair…” you murmur and purse your lips in thought

now you have to come up with a clever single person halloween costume

you still have a couple of days left to decide so you’re sure it’ll be fine

“alright, i suppose you’re right.” you let out a sigh and yoongi grins happily up at you

“thank u, baby”

“mm”

yoongi gives your bum a swat as soon as you turn around and you resiSt the urge to tackle him in the middle of this costume store

“y/n, you are noT going to believe the things that i have planned out for-“ yoongi’s sneakers squeak against the wooden floor when he spots a familiar face in the apartment “…what the hell are you doing here?”

“good afternoon, yoongi!” jimin smiles brightly and yoongi raises a brow

he sweArs his perfect, pearly teeth are going to blind him one day

“why are you in my apartment?”

“y/n and i are going to jungkook’s party together and she wanted me to come over to try some outfits on!” jimin states as if that’s the most oBvious thing in the entire world and yoongi snorts

“…you guys aren’t going to the party together.”

“ya we are”

“no, you’re not-“

“mmmm i’m pRetty sure we are”

“okay but it’s like- it’s a couple’s costume and you’re not a couple-“

“we don’t have to be a couple! she just needed someone to go with-“

“okay but you’re noT a couple so you can’t say you’re a couple otherwise people are going to think that you guys are like, together-together-“

“you know what the funny part is? we’re actually going to go as-“

“yoongi!” the little quarrel is interrupted when you emerge from the guest bathroom “i thought you were going to be out all day doing… demony things!”

“i was but i finished ea-“ yoongi doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because he’s pretty sure his tongue rolls out of his mouth and giGantic red hearts start pumping out of his eyes

you-

well he thouGHt he wasn’t a fan of the demon costume but this one definitely doesn’t look like the one you tried on at the store

you’re wearing some kind of a red latex leotard (and it’s taking a loT of effort to not check out your boobs right now)

complete with a pair of thigh high boots and arm sleeves that make it look like your forearms are engULfed in flames aNd of course there’s a long, pointed tail attached to the back that kind of just drags behind you on the floor

a pair of little red horns sit on the top of your head and that,.,,. shouldn’t affect him as much as it is

“you’re going as a demon?” yoongi swallows thickly and reaches up to tuck at the collar of his shirt when he catches sight of some fiery-red garters around your thighs

“uh-huh! you like it? i figured that since you’re not coming with me, i’ll just dress up as you-“ you joke and twist slightly to make sure the tail is still in place “jimin actually made the whole outfit for me-“

“jimin helped you with this outfit??” yoongi raises a brow and

“yep! i thought the puny little tail was kinda pathetic so i made a longer one and that definitely amped up the look aNd the horns are nice and sturdy now-“ jimin leans back against the couch and crosses his arms “i suggested fishnet stockings but y/n thought that would be too much-“

“wait, if you guys are going together, and you’re dressing up as a demon, then what are you dressing up as?” yoongi’s brows knit together as he looks towards jimin

“y/n suggested that i just go as myself - get it, because a demon and an angel - but thEN i was like what if i aLso dress up as a demon and we can do a matchy-matchy thing- pLus, i don’t think i’m breaking any rules because it’s just for halloween so we’re goo-“

“you’re going as a demon?!” yoongi interrupts him and if you looked any closer you’d probably be able to see the steam shooTing out from his ears

what the hell!!!!!!!!!!!

ok u know what to be fair you’re letting him off the hook for the night which is what he wanted

but he didn’t know that you were going to be wearing that

and he aLso wasn’t aware that jimin was apparently going to be your demon boyfriend for the night

and knowing how ditzy jimin is he’s probably going to lose track of you and then you’re just going to be prey in the eyes of the many, mAny other demons who are out on the prowl on halloween

you walking around wearing that with your aura as pUre as gold (even though half of it belongs to yoongi but still your aura is like 78% pure) is equivalent to serving a piece of fresh salmon on a silver platter to a pack of wild bears and yoongi suddenly has a vERy strong urge to taint your aura again and again and again so that people know exactly who you’re with-

hm.

interesting.

“jimin.” yoongi clears his throat calmly, “you have five seconds to leave before i kick you out.”

jimin’s lips part in a gawk

“wha- what did i do-“

“four- three- twO-“

“alright, i’m going, jesus-“ jimin grumbles and lets out a huff before he disintegrates into a beam of golden sparkles

a moment of silence goes by after jimin leaves where you and yoongi are kind of just staring at each other

the air in the room feels different and you feel your heart sKip a beat when you notice yoongi’s eyes flicker to black for a millisecond

if you had blinked you probably would’ve missed it

“what’s the matter with you?” you cross your arms and tilt your head slightly and yoongi scoffs before poking his tongue into his cheek

“what do you think is the matter with me?”

you don’t miss the way his eyes trail over your figure and you don’t have to be a roCKet science to figure out what thoughts are running through your boyfriend’s head

“…you want me to keep the horns-“

you don’t even get a chance to finiSh asking before yoongi’s grabbing you and practically dragging you to the bedroom

(yoongi makes a mental note to apologise to jimin later for shRedding up your handmade costume.)

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a spooky request)

spooktober masterlist // main masterlist

[boogiepilgrim]

For the Elton asksss 💜💜💜🥺🥺:

4, 26, 36, 39, 40, 48 aaaaand 49 hahahah yeaah I chose way too many. You can pick just a few if you prefer yahsyagsy 💞💞💞

On 49: "Choose between Don't Shoot Me and Sleeping with the Past"

thank u🥺🥺🥺🧡🧡

4. Do you collect memorabilia / merch? If yes, what's one of your favourite items that you own? If not, what's something you'd love to own? i do!!! i think most of us do. theres smth that makes ya wanna own Everything™️. ive answered this before w my Madman Across The Water jacket, the 1 from his store, soooo i'll choose smth different. my second fave is probs this⏬ painting i did a while ago..

might not count bc i did it myself but .. it's the facts. 2nd fave bought item would be the captain fantastic shirt, also from his store. hhhh but i also love all the lil programmes n stuff i have fjdjfjksfkksd im a collector! i collect things.

26. Have you read his other book, 'Love Is The Cure'? If yes, what were your thoughts? i have!! i thought it was really good. super touching, insightful. it's obviously heartbreaking too, but very informative. about not just his work in battling AIDS, but also the AIDS crisis of the 80s. so if that's something you're wanting to get clued up on, i'd highly recommend it!

36. Words of his that live rent free in your mind, or that you like to remind yourself of. oh man. so many 🥺🥺🥺 i lov hearing his outlook on things. a lot of lyrics live rent free in my mind, too. like the words of recover your soul, healing hands, & too many tears. but i suppose hes got joint custody of those words. words of his and nobody else's that spring to mind to answer this with.. is that time he said, "it's a very spiritual thing to do, to ask another human being to help you." that lives rent free in my mind 🧡✨

40. First album you owned / listened to. the "rocket man" compilation CD from 2007 🥺 i got it for christmas that year

48. If you were able to say something to him, what would it be? okayyyyyy luiza i see ur wanting me to get emo on the 'net today!!! unfortunately i havent the energy to go ham rn, but! ok if i was able 2 Sit Down and Say words to him 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i mean id just like 2 tell him, in a roundabout way, that .. he means the world to me🥺. his music genuinely helps me every single day.. thru the minor things, and thru the Big things. there are no words to describe its power. and the insight hes given us into his own personal struggles helps me so much, too. his words of advice are always there, as we say, rent free.. 😔 o man. hes my fave artist in the world. ultimately i would just like to thank him, n let him know how much he has helped n will always help. hug him maybe 🥺🧡✨ but the real goal would be, once the #starstruck-ness would wear off 🤞, to have a conversation w him. about anything. whatever. have a lil laugh. talk about music, Life in general.... (matilda voice) that would be lovely 😔✨🔆

49. Don't Shoot Me or Sleeping With The Past? UGH thats so difficult. theyre both so close for me!!!!!! i.. might have to go w sleeping with the past.

thank u so much🥺🥺🥺🥺✨✨

[yanderefreeforall]

Could you write hcs for a yandere botw link? Like: How would he meet his s/o and like what would he do to her? If he was sadistic that would be nice please!

(Thank u for the request! Feel free to ask for more requests! Since u didn’t put a specific gender, I’ll make them gender neutral)

BOTW Link HCs:

The meeting: There are different ways s/o meets link but here are a few ⬇️

Nurse S/O:

S/o hums quietly as they organize the potions, medication, and tools by name and color (for potions). They were in charge of the little clinic while the main doctor was out for lunch, nothing really happened in their small village which is why when S/O heard screaming and their door being kicked in, u best believe it gave them a scare. “Doctor! We need a doctor!” One of the villager said as he and the other villager placed the badly beaten man on the table, “he’s on his break” S/O said frowning quickly rushing to the man’s side. They start examining the man for open wounds that might be causing the horrendous blood spill, they discovered a large stab wound on his upper chest but from what they could tell the stab wound wasn’t deep enough to cause serious complications such as a puncture lung but enough to cause serious bleeding. “Please leave him to me, he’ll be fine just a few stitches here and there” S/O said softly waving them out of the door before closing the door and rushing back to the man, this was their first time having to perform a surgical procedure on a patient especially by them self and they were determined to help this man to the best of their ability. Many thoughts ran through their mind as they washed their hands and placed surgical gloves on, grabbing a clean cloth they press down on the wound to stop the bleeding. They start to disinfect the wound and washing the wound out which payed off since a piece of metal was still in the wound, it was half way through stitching that the man sprang up causing S/O to jump but not far enough because the next thing they know they’re pinned to the wall with a fist ready to make contact with their face, they flinch waiting for the blow but thank the goddesses that it never came (well for now). They slowly opened one eye to look at the male who was looking straight at them with a pink tint covering his cheeks, he lets go of the poor individual and looks around from what he can tell he was in a doctor’s office. The male look back at the beautiful individual and sign a “sorry” to them, they nod and huffs “ can you please lay back down, I don’t want u to fal-“ before they could finish their sentence the poor man’s leg started to shake uncontrollably and like that he dropped to his knees (thankful he managed to get a hold of the bed as he fell). S/o rushed over to him and (some how) manage to get the muscular man back on the bed, “please stay still while I finish the stitches, I want to make sure that they’re perfectly a-line so that it closes perfectly” they said as they continue to sew the wound close, hearing a light grunt here and there. Once finish with the stitches they start bandaging and disinfecting the smaller injuries all while the man silently stared at them watching them/ analyzing them, once completely finish they gave the young man a small smile and gave him a sticker “we ran out of candy so that’s the best we have, now I’m going to prescribe you some ointment for the wounds and if the wound starts getting infected feel free to come by anytime but in the meantime you may choose to stay here until your wounds have healed or stay in one of the small rentals” they handing him a white shirt seeing that they had to cut the top of his tunic open to get to the injuries. The man grabbed the shirt and placed it on himself, he looked into their eyes for a whole 5 minutes before signing “ my name is Link, what is your name?” causing the nurse to smile “my name is s/o and you’re always welcomed here link” oh how they would regret ever meeting.

Things he does:

This man literally comes over for the littlest of things, he got a paper cut? Whelp off to S/O’s clinic! Don’t want it to get infected!

He deliberately hurts himself or jumps into a group of monster or bush filled with thorns just to come crawling back with his life barely intact.

Likes to stay/hang around at the clinic and watch the doctor closely especially when it comes to doing surgery, he may not look like he enjoys watching the doctor but in reality he finds the doctor cutting open patients satisfying.

Link day-dreams about cutting open his chest and S/O’s chest and placing his heart inside of them and theirs in his so that they’ll always be “linked” together

He comes around so much that the only way to get rid of him (for at least an hour or a day) is by giving him extremely long and extremely stupid quests. This man will literally do it if it means hanging around S/O for just 5 in a half minutes.

On multiple occasions he’ll “accidentally” cut S/O by “losing” his balance and scratching the them or “accidentally” cutting them when showing them his new dagger.

Whenever he sees blood seeping out of the freshly made wound he created on S/O it takes all of his will power not to lick the blood or store it in a jar.

If S/O donates blood it’ll “magically” disappear while under Link’s care, and no one ever suspects Link because... why the fuck would the Hylian Champion need the blood for?

Merchant S/O:

S/O sighs as they look out the window, they haven’t gotten much customers today as they wish but the quiet was fine too. They look over at the clock and stared at it for what seemed like an hour before the small bell placed on top of the door brought them back to reality, they smile and look over at the customer. The male didn’t seem to notice them or hear them as he walked in looking at the shelves, he pushed a few potions here and there before letting out a victorious little cheer as he holds up the items he was looking for up in the air. A little strange but S/O didn’t mind it as they continued to smile as the male walked over to the counter his smile never leaving his handsome face, he placed the bottle on the counter and looked up. His eyes widen as he eyes took in their beauty, his cheeks started turning a bright red as their eyes locked into each other. They didn’t want to look away but they knew that if they didn’t sell the potion and kept on with this staring game their father would be unhappy with them, they let out a small cough breaking the trance the man was in causing him to scratch the back of his neck nervously and gives them an embarrassed expression. He points at the potion and signs “how much?” They smile at him and leaned over the counter to grab it, they turn it over and checked the price “15 rupees” they said before sliding the potion in front of him. The man nods and pulls out his wallet/bag, from their angle it looked very heavy and worn out since the leather was already pealing off. The man placed fifteen green rupees on the counter and slid them towards them, they took them and nodded at man. Just as the man was turning around to leave, he was stopped by a light “wait!” causing him to turn around and face the individual. They seem to be holding something out to the young man “Father has always said that the best warriors need the best equipment” they said as they hand him a beautiful new wallet, the man hesitated when reaching for it but once he had it in his hands he admired it’s fine stitching and amazing fabric. “I-I made it myself” S/O said blushing a bit “and you don’t have to pay for it since it’s free.” The man smiles and nods before signing “my name is link, what is your name?” Causing the individual to smile “ my name is S/O and you’re welcome to come back anytime Link” they respond. The man gave them one last smile and nod before leaving the little shop.

Things that he does:

He comes over everyday or every other week if he has a quest to complete

Constantly refers your shop to other people which is part of his plan to get you to like him

Constantly helping around even if it’s something minor like dusting the shelves you can’t reach

Becomes good friends with your father and constantly ratting you out whenever Link doesn’t agree with your actions or friends

Sometimes “accidentally” bumps you into a sharp table corners

Will “accidentally” drop broken glass on you or in places you walk bare foot (so he has an excuse to help you and touch you)

Has wondering fingers whenever you hug each other.

Goes around town tell people you are an item and always makes it look like the two of you are together with or without your knowledge

Rub up against you when you’re not paying attention and tell you he was joking whenever you tell him off

(Quick note: I’m sorry it took me forever 😭. Be sure to inbox me with you want another request!)