#and I remember being terrified of gaining weight but specifically in a grossly unhealthly/unhealthy looking kind of way? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kawaiianimeredhead · 5 years ago

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there’s a really terrible part of myself that keep thinking about how I’ve gained (barely any) weight like over the last bits of time and it’s so rude and bs but also still /there/ ya know

like for pretty much my entire life that’s been such a Thing of mine that people mention. how small I am with emphasis on my weight. And honestly, while I didn’t and haven’t done anything about the thought of gaining weight (like trying to lose it) the moment my jeans and underwear started not fitting I almost LOST it emotionally? this was like a couple of years ago at this point but it really fucked me up? It was so genuinely upsetting and while I didn’t dwell in it, didn’t dive in or sit in the pool of gross, it was and still is there in little splashes of thought and it’s so bad...

(at some point when I was typing out the tags for this I guess I accidentally deleted the first tag so for context I guess the first tag was about how I was remembering how much I want to cosplay tinkerbell. so you start with that sentence and then start my entire rant in the rest of the tags if that’s a place you read)

#and the smallest thought crept in about how I've gained some weight since the first times I thought about it and how it won't be the same #and like how ridiculous and GROSS is that? liek where did that come from #I mean I know where but like fuck #when I was younger I was underweight for a while not significantly to my knowledge and not of my own doing it just happened #and I remember being terrified of gaining weight but specifically in a grossly unhealthly/unhealthy looking kind of way?#but/and I was also super aware of how small I was already so I didn't DO anything about either of those problems I just went on doing whatev #and that's still how I live my life really #like I don't do anything one way or the other #however while I did know I had gained some weight the day that I realized the jeans I had had for YEARS that always fit didn't fit anymore #and they were the tiniest bit smaller and that it was enough to be uncomfortable was upsetting #I still didn't and haven't done anything aside from deny for as long as I could that I had to buy a little bit bigger #it's all just very fucked up and I don't know where I'm going with this #it's just thoughts that pop up every now and then #society is so fucked up #why do they make people feel so bad about themselves ya know?#like it's so terrible thinking about how my thoughts are already pretty bad but there's people who's are worse and it's upsetting tothink th #that bodies are so good?#it reminds me of a youtuber I watched a bit of #who had a video with a similar rant to it #she's very skinny and tall on top of it #and she was pregnant last year? or somewhat recently #and she made a video during or just after the pregnancy about how much it kinda fucked with her #in a bunch of different ways but one of them was with her seeing herself getting bigger #she mentioned basically about how fucked up it is that she was upset she was getting bigger because she was growing a fucking human #and that she truthfully thinks all bodies are beautiful in all shapes and sizes but when looking at hers specifically she just was upset #about it #and like boy did/do I really FEEL that #it's so fucked UP ya know #tag rambles #don't mind me

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