#and I realized she doesn't know how impactful this election is to queer people

[elephantinpajamas]

A Reflection on Colorado Springs

I'm incredibly privileged, and I've always known that. I'm queer, and I'm very open about it, and I've been bullied for it and accepted for it and, to be completely honest, I've never even really come out to my family because I never felt like I had to. I knew full well I was safe with them. Who I am isn't necessarily transparent, I'm completely open about it but most people don't assume I'm bisexual until I tell them. I present, not in a "Masculine" way, necessarily, but every now and then I can come off more like a "Bro" than I intend to in some fleeting attempt to make temporary new friends at a bar or something like that. I've never been gay-bashed except when I've explicitly admitted to being queer, and those instances have been few and far between, and not particularly severe. I'm lucky, and I damn well know it. More or less open and out since before I was a teenager.

I don't think you could say my dad "wanted" a queer son, I think he wanted a linebacker or a star left-fielder and obviously those aren't mutually exclusive, but I always knew he would never malign me for who I was and, frankly, if he hasn't figured it out by now I'm gonna start questioning his mental prowess with a little more scrutiny. He's never judged me for it. His disappointment had everything to do with the fact that I'm not over 6 feet tall and that I'm a huge smart-ass, not me being bi.

My mom probably knows, and I think I may have drunkenly come out to her once or five times, but given that she was drinking the same wine I was I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember either. Similarly, she would hold no judgement either way.

I've had a few friends give me weird looks when I initially told them, but honestly even then most of them came around within a half hour to realizing I wasn't trying to make a pass at them at the sleepover just because they were a dude.

I joke about my sexuality the same way I joke about everything else about myself.

Every once in a while, that becomes temporarily impossible.

What happened at the Q Club is so horrific I can't begin to fathom its impact.

The fact is, I feel safe most of the time. I live in an accepting city, in an accepting family, with an accepting community.

But when something like this happens, when someone comes into a seemingly safe community like the Q Club and destroys it the way that bastard did, there is nowhere I feel safe, at least not for a while. Not even with my family, or my friends, or at work, not anywhere. Anywhere I felt safe now feels like a minefield.

After the 2016 election I remember seeing swastikas done in sidewalk chalk all up and down the block I grew up on. Whoever did it probably didn't know my mom and I are Jewish, but I know we are, and I know how those swastikas made me feel. Even that felt like a more secure time.

Just like after Pulse, this is one of those moments to me where nothing feels safe, sacred, or secure. /Shockingly/, I am not a huge fan of that feeling.

My heart goes out to the victims, the families, the friends, the community that will have to rebuild some sort of sanctum for themselves again for no other reason than because some piece of shit decided to ruin everyones' lives.

I hope you all find some peace. You deserve more than that, but it feels like the most we can strive for right now.

If nothing else, we deserve that.