#and I am watching more now I'm home!
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Jean Gabin as Pepel and Louis Jouvet as The Baron in Les Bas-Fonds [d: Jean Renoir, 1936]
#jean gabin#louis jouvet#what is amazing about this film is that pepel thinks he's heterosexual#me: watches important serious film by giant of french cinema about class and poverty#also me: these guys!! do they KNOW they're in love????!!??#there is a lot to say about how pepel views women and relationships and hasn't realised the deepest bond he has is with the baron#like dude you need this kind of companionship and comradeship to build a relationship on#also in no news to anyone#jean gabin is ADORKABLE when he laughs#we watched a LOT of french films when I was visiting jools#including a couple of jean ones although more papa gabin than young wiggly hair gabin#and I am watching more now I'm home!#which is amazing considering how tired I am#my wee gifs
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Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.
#Fear and Hunger#D'arce Cataliss#Cahara#Ragnvaldr#Enki Ankarian#Unlike Dungeon Meshi - I cannot in good faith recommend this game to a broad audience.#My background with F&H goes as follows: I am hanging out with a friend. He says “hey try this game I've been playing.” I say “Okay!”#I have never heard of this game. I pick the mercenary. I go through 5 min of character history and background. I am mauled to death by dogs#It took me 4 resets to even get in the dungeon. But I finally get there. I am caught by a guard. He cuts off all but one of my limbs#I am forced to crawl around in a blood and corpse pit until the game tells me 'give up idiot'.#I reset. I am mauled by dogs again. I realize this is not for me but I am intrigued enough to go home and watch some playthroughs#And WOW what an interesting game it is! I really do appreciate games that blend their design philosophy with the theme it wants to set#This is a game about fear and hunger. And persevering. And penis (my god is there a lot of penis)#I recommend this to people who like extremely challenging games and can handle the many *content warnings* within this series#If the idea of Bloodborne/eldenring and undertale having a little RPG maker baby sounds appealing to you - give it a shot#It's made by ONE GUY and it's a great horror game. I am just really bad at it.#My friends just enjoy putting me in situations where I scream and yell. We don't talk about the corn mazes. Or the other horror game nights#Apparently I'm funny when I'm Scared!#As people who follow me on twitter might know; I am deep in the pits of this series right now. I will be back with more art.
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finished the episode of peaceful property and i'm still thinking about it an hour later.....the thought crossed my mind when home startled at the mention of the car but i didn't expect them to actually go there because when is a show willing to have one of the lead characters literally have killed the other and have gotten away with it freely.
up until now we've seen home's family taking advantage of people and we've seen the way that home treats others (e.g. forcing peach to perform when they moved in). but now we're forced to directly contend with home not just being complicit in his family's actions but actually having himself done something that is inexcusable.
and on top of that the way that peach's tremor is explicitly a physical manifestation of his guilt over (in his mind) causing chef hong to die, directly preventing him from being able to pursue his chosen career. meanwhile home due to his family's wealth and status was able to go on with his life as if nothing had happened! they're similar right up until they're very much not.
also just loved how setting the episode at the restaurant let us get insight into peach while still fulfilling all the right notes as a ghost-of-the-week and the way that this time peach was the one to receive solace and let go of his (metaphorical and literal) ghosts....really good episode.
#and the next ep preview....now it's home's turn to see ghosts !!#obvious disclaimers always when watching a show that's still airing but it feels like it's getting smarter and more incisive every week#and i'm optimistic that that will hold through#trying to avoid bait vs bl discourse save by apophasis but why is that easily half the tag#do i personally think they should kiss of course due to who i am as a person but please there are so many other things happening#peaceful property#peaceful property spoilers#may liveblog tag#b
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the parallels between morrigan and the mage warden (especially one who snitched on jowan and so isn't automatically doomed if they stay in the circle) both being unceremoniously kicked out by their parental figures from the isolated nests they've been cooped up in all their lives and sent flailing out into the real world to test their wings. the love that you can read in between the lines there from irving, and even flemeth -- in both cases this is a cause of action taken partly to save their children (from the circle, from the blight, from the isolation and constriction they would be doomed to otherwise), and in both cases it also opens them up to a world of new dangers. (I wonder if irving knows how many grey warden recruits die right off the bat. from his general character I think he might take that chance even if he knew because otherwise the circle is all but inescapable, but from what he says to amell/surana at the time and how set duncan is to keep that particular detail on the down low I feel more on the side of him not being aware.)
irving at least is encouraging and explains the outlines of what he's thinking even in his hurry to get you out the door, flemeth takes the opportunity to get in a few more stabs of emotional abuse haha. but I think my amell looks at morrigan's shock and partial dismay to be sent away with them so abruptly (and despite everything, the sting of it being so easy to do on her mother's part, emotionally) and feels a sympathetic sinking in her stomach. because yeah she knows that feeling too
#there are some lines from morrigan that makes me think something kind of bad might have happened to her#the last time she left the wilds? she says that when she returned home to flemeth last time she never meant to leave the wilds again#:( morrigan baby if anyone fucked with you... tell me we'll hunt them down for sport and kill them#dragon age#dragon age origins#morrigan#warden amell#oc: sophia amell#first enchanter irving#flemeth#I'm a decade older now and playing this part again with more adult eyes... seeing morrigan try SO HARD to create one little moment#of connection; of care -- saying she doesn't want to come back to the hut burned down and framing it as a dig; a joke#and even being that careful even being that roundabout she gets shot down SO brutally by flemeth and it hurts to watch#I feel almost parental about it all more than anything this time around like. oh morrigan I'm so so sorry about everything#'I am many things but I will not be the mother you were to me' sobbing I'm so proud of her
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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the miserable angry person I become when I haven't eaten is, in a word, atrocious. it is 9pm I have not had my dinner murder is about to be on the menu if I don't fix this soon
#i spent. SO LONG (5min) trying to iron a shirt that would NOT be ironed#and then SO LONG (60 seconds) futilely trying to shove the ironing board closed (gave up and left)#and now i want to CRY because i CANT STAND INDECISIVE YOUNG MEN#what is going ON in your BRAIN if you would COMMUNICATE i might UNDERSTAND!!!!! WHAT is the struggle WHAT is going on#if you were INTERESTED as so many people have CLAIMED YOU WERE why didn't you SAY anything why didn't you DO anything!!!!!!!!!!#LIFE IS LITERALLY SO SHORT WHAT IS GOING ONNNN I CANNOT SIT HERE WAITING FOR YOU FOREVER I CANNOT !!!!!#they said it might be because you had qualms about long distance. BOY I WOULD'VE GIVEN LONG DISTANCE AN ENTHUSIASTIC SHOT#not to be like. once again i am the one more interested i am the one so ready to open my heart i am the one more invested#but like. dude. we live in an age of technology. if you want to get to know me. TEXT ME I'M LITERALLY IN THE SAME COUNTRY!!!!!!!#also what a day this has been. i agreed to teach sunday school (i am burned out and felt dread the whole time and then after i said yes)#and then socialized with too many people and then spent about 2 hours commuting and then came home and watched a romcom#that was happy that made me sad because it was happy. i too would like to be treated tenderly and pursued intentionally for once. anyways#in the same day one friend got engaged to her best friend and one friend got involved with a horrible boy and the whiplash was Horrendous#also if you cant tell i am indeed on my period and feel like too much and not enough lol i need to be alone for a little while
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BIG fan of being home alone. I will get so much done today. HUGE fan even.
#Already turned on the washing machine#And I drank coffee#And I cleaned some dishes#And now I'm cleaning my room WITH AN OPEN DOOR BECAUSE I AM HOME ALONE#Afterwards I will vacuum the floor of the whole apartment#And take out the trash#And then I will wash more dishes#And then I will sit down on the couch and watch whatever#On the big TV#In the living room#And maybe I'll eat soke food#Probably tortellini#And I'll drink lotsa tea#Maybe I'll take a shower#And now I'm sneezing awesome yippieh love that#Did you know that I enjoy washing the dishes#But only by hand#HATE putting dishes in the dishwasher.
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Went over to my best friend's place to do her hair, she told me she's pregnant again, had to wrap my head around that, a few hours later I get a call from a sibling telling me the entire family is fighting so I gotta rush home and fix that. All in all, an insanely exhausting day
#like. straight up migraine-inducing day.#literally drove home and could feel the migraine build and build until I walked through the door#I was supposed to get my tires balanced today but uh. didn't have time so here I am#funny thing abt the family fight was I had an online tax season webinar @ 7pm so while I was moderating the fight I had to turn it on#and it just played while I was like listen you need to be more understanding blah blah blah#honestly. now it is pretty funny and surreal. in the moment it was just the obvious thing to do lmao#like ofc I can juggle watching a tax webinar and being the family's moderator#I'll just listen to the webinar during breaks and pay attention to the fight when they're talking abt stuff I already know!!#like girl. you are insane actually.#and now I gotta think abt my best friend being a mom to 2 kids. I'm gonna have another little niece or nephew! tf!!!#girl I just got used to having a niece and now I gotta have another??? I'm gonna vomit!!
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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I'm alive!!!!
#sometimes I just do other internet things instead of tumblr haha#but I am good!!#it's been busy#also I had my birthday#I am now in EARLY FORTIES#next year it will be MID#what is life#it's just weird how time works#and how you have to spend so much of your life being really bad at it!!!!#it would be nice if we could live longer just so you could have more time to benefit from life lessons you've learned#although probably we would just find new and more inventive ways of screwing things up#as you do#I'm still really addicted to Stardew Valley#it's never lasted this long so I'm not sure if I should be concerned#but I have also been doing a lot of reading#work has slowed down so that's good#also I have been weirdly into watching professional football this fall#not a specific team#just kind of overall#like I have a handful of teams whose fates mildly interest me#I think it's because there is this guy on YouTube who is doing a series called If the NFL Was Scripted#and I am just amazed at how he has created an entire lore#based around events that he actually can't predict or plan#ANYWHO#today I have sooooo much painting to do!!#it's ridiculous#I thought I was past this part of home renovation#but here we are#it's sucky painting too#lots and lots of trim
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#psyching myself up to try and watch the new series of heartstopper#I don't make a lot of personal posts these days and it feels easier to talk about this in the tags for some reason now - like I'm whisperin#but series 2 absolutely wrecked me in a way that is not entirely healthy#isaac's storyline is just a bit too close to home for me and I became a bawling mess every single time he was on screen#and not in a cathartic way. in a like I am dredging up the trauma of growing up aroace without having fully come to terms with it yet way.#I've come such a long way with slowly starting to feel pride in being aroace even in just the last few months#that I wondered if I'd actually be fine with it this time. I even considered rewatching s2 in preparation. turns out I'm not fine.#I watched a recap of s2 to try and remember what happened and uhhhh that clip of isaac rejecting that love interest in the bookshop#(with the novel loveless blurry in the background) has already brought up emotions.#then I thought I'd scroll some spoilers in his character tag just to prepare myself for what would happen with him this season#and just reading posts (mild spoilers here) about him being proudly aroace have sent me into paroxysms of sobbing yet again so....#I've honestly come such a long way in the last few years and the last few months. I'm even talking about it on tumblr now.#but I guess most of my work on that front has been accepting the present and the future of not having or wanting a partner.#whereas there's still a lifetime of trauma from the way it made me feel in the past#both growing up feeling alienated and having no idea what was different about me and the extent to which I tried to make it not be true#for years after first having an inkling of it being a possibility. I would have done anything to make myself alloromantic.#(the realisation of asexuality came later and was more of a 'huh I guess that makes sense' thing lol)#and even though I no longer want to change this fact about who I am#I guess I'm more traumatised by it all than I consciously realised. genuinely thought I'd be fine at this point.#anyway ramble over. I'm actually not sure if I should watch the new season or not. will it be helpful to work through the emotions?#or just re-traumatise me? felt more like the latter last time so hmmm.#guess I'm going to have to think about it.#it feels ridiculous that such a fluffy show - in which the character in question is pretty minor - should provoke such a reaction#but there you go#mine#tag chat#personal
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Last line WIP game
thank you for the tag, @three-magpies-in-a-trenchcoat!! :D
rules: make a new post and post your latest/most recent line from your WIP and tag as many people as there are words.
i'm fully assuming line means paragraph, not sentence, so i already know i'm not gonna be able to tag enough people. but i'll tag as many as i can :)
from yet another qpr!jonsasha oneshot that i'm hoping to post sometime soon:
(She'd thought it was hilarious, the fact they were fake. She'd figured it out before he even admitted it to her, and since then it had morphed into a sort of inside joke between the two of them. And it was nice, the glasses going from a facade he'd made up in a panic to something that they could both laugh at.)
yes i'm keeping the "jon's glasses are fake" thing consistent across my AUs. i think it's fun <3
tags (no pressure!!): @redminders @radical-dadical-rafael @dramaticdads @rainbowstargazerlilies
#friday chats#friday's fics#tag game#this is a very fluffy oneshot btw#it's literally just 'jon and sasha have a shit day at work so they go home and eat ice cream and watch a movie together'#hoping to post it sometime within the next week or two. before school starts at least#this is also the first fic that portrays a long-standing headcanon of mine: jon loses speech when stressed#(i am fully projecting onto him here lmao)#so we've got some bsl in here too!#in looking things up for this fic i'm learning some differences between bsl and the little asl i know#(i need to learn some more i've looked up some sites)#but i'm gonna stop rambling now. perhaps continue writing. maybe i will maybe i won't i've had a very long day
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MatPat quitting is crazyyyyyy
#I never really cared about the guy but I am really surprised he quit just now#The only videos I watched were those about “Welcome Home” and “Don't Hug Me I'm Scared” and that was kind of it .#So I never really kept up with him#but seeing him quit was unexpected. but uh congrats? I think? Don't know what the reason was but wooo?#or is it more of a “what? D:” type of thing?
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i finally got my adhd med dosage worked out and also for like the first time since upping the dosage actually managed to take it consistently long enough for it to actually kick in over the last few weeks and god damn. that shit is magic.
#im on the non-stimulant version bc the stimulant ones were too up-and-down for me#so they kinda act like how ssri meds do in terms of slow buildup#but now that I'm there its!!! insane!!!#I've been falling asleep just when I'm tired which I just am totally unable to do normally#I woke up before my alarm today and was like maybe I'll take a shower!! in the MORNING! as soon as I woke up!!!!#and left on time for my appointment w time to spare - then instead of going home after having accomplished the one (1) task for the day#i voluntarily just went and did MORE things. like. for FUN. and didnt have to force myself and be like 'you'll enjoy it once you're there'#then I finished doing fun things at the river with the dog and was like. yknow what? I'm gonna be productive and work on the car.#and I DID. then hung out and socialized and watched a movie after?#at this point this is 4 WHOLE THINGS in one day????? and it wasnt prescheduled and I did it all because I just felt like it#I am fucking astounded. I am going to do everything possible to make sure I don't fall off meds again bc like. this shit is lifechanging#as long as I'm not physically too tired I'm actually looking forward to doing more tomorrow too#like. god damn. not having to force myself to do things that logically I know I enjoy and just being able to DO them is insane#I'm gonna go to the weekly farmers market next week and pick up veggies. and then make something with them.#⭐✨magic✨⭐
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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LUFFY CHARM'S CHAIN SNAPPED 😭😭😭
#I got VERY lucky tonight. Oh my god. It broke in my pocket on the car ride home and not during the concert#A problem for tomorrow (while I'm watching the new episode) because I have not slept in 3 days. Gonna go do that now 👍#Does Amazon sell replacement phone charm straps? I feel like they would#Ignore my bag o masks in the background lol I keep a handful of disposable/reusable ones in there so I can grab one when I'm going out#Cruddy rambles#I'm seriously about to start crying over how grateful I am I didn't lose him. He was a gift from Callie!!#He's been with me since high school!#That's at least 7 years! Probably more!#Okay. Granted. When we lost contact I put him on my model pirate ship for a few years.#But still now that we're in touch again he's been coming out with me again#HE MEANS A LOT TO ME THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY
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