#and Hooters got name dropped a lot

[oingos-bitch]

Another JoJo Mall Fanfic™ -- And So It Begins. . . (Chapter 2)

The  next  day  was  spent  wandering  around  nearby  cities;  cities  far  away;  small  towns;  beaches;  concrete  jungles;  even  mountains!  Just  to  search  for  the  best  spot  for  a  shopping  centre.  Whereas  it  was  exciting  for  JoJo,  it  was  annoying  and  pointless  to  Dio.  He  was  almost  tempted  to  buy  the  deed  to  a  few  acres  of  a  small  desert  town  just  to  ensure  that  they  wouldn't  have  to  travel  anymore. 'No,  I  have  to  drag  it  out  and  make  him  regret  putting  his  effort  into  his  stupid  little  mall,'  he  thought.

It  was  almost  dinnertime  when  Jonathan  suddenly  slammed  onto  the  brakes,  sending  Dio crashing  onto  the  dashboard.

"WHAT  IN  THE  FUCK  DID  YOU  DO  THAT  FOR?"

"Ah,  sorry,"  Jonathan  replied  absentmindedly.

Wondering  what  besides  him  was  so  amazing  to  look  at,  Dio  turned  his  face  up,  his  jaw  dropping  and  his  face  sharing  the  same  astonished  expression  as  JoJo's.  The  building  before  them  was  a  massive  and  impressive  mash  of  glass  and  stone,  and  throughout  its  exterior  was  a  lovely  marriage  of  old-fashioned  and  modern  husks  of  former  stores.  Though  he  hated  to  admit  it,  Dio  was  just  starting  to  feel  optimistic  about  the  whole  mall  project;  and  though  he'd  deny  it,  he  was  grateful  that  JoJo  had  been  able  to  spot  such  a  perfect  place.  

Beaming,  JoJo  picked  up  his  phone  and  dialed  the  realtor's  number  with  gusto.

"Hello?  Yes,  this  is  Jonathan  Joestar,  how  soon  can  we  meet  up?"

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A  few  weeks  had  passed  since  they  had  bought  the  mall,  and  both  men  were  up  to  their  heads  in  planning!  Jonathan  woke  up  earlier  than  usual  to  brainstorm  and  found  himself  skipping  meals  just  to  finish  his  list  of  necessities  and  itty-bitty  details.  Erina  was  starting  to  worry  and  made  it  known,  frequently  reminding  him  to  sit  down  and  at  least  have  a  cup  of  tea  and  a  snack.

"After  all,"  she'd  say,  "I'm  sure  Dio  is  not  worrying  about  it  as  much  as  you  are!"

He  was.

In  fact,  he  could  be  considered  worse  than  JoJo.  He  had  switched  his  hours  of  sleep  for  hours  of  work,  substituting  most  of  his  meals  for  Redbull  and  not  even  bothering  to  dress  up  like  he  usually  did.  The  last  time  Jonathan  went  to  visit  him,  he  screamed  loudly,  for  he  thought  that  the  person  who  answered  the  door  was  another  one  of  Dio's  victims  rather  than  Dio  himself.  Thankfully,  both  men  worried  much  less  when  most  of  the  remodeling  and  minor  details  were  underway,  and  both  men  could  finally  sleep  easy,  knowing  that  there  was  just  one  more  meeting  that  needed  to  be  carried  out.

So  there  they  stood  one  Sunday  morning,  on  the  corner  of a  busy  street,  the  massive  building  situated  between  a  bumbling  city  and  a  tranquil  park,  dark  green  tape  wrapped  around  the  construction  site,  dozens  of  hardhats  moving  in  and  out  and  around  of  the  edifice.  Pointing  an  expensive-looking  manicured  nail  at  the  mall's  map,  Dio  spoke.

"So,  what  store  is  going  to  be  between  the  Payless  and  the  GreenCrush?"

"Well,  I'd  thought  quite  a  bit  about  it,  and  I  believe  that  we  should  add  a  WingStop  there!"

"Hmm....What  about  a  Hooters?"  The  vampire  suggested  mischievously.

Jonathan's  eyes  nearly  bulged  out  of  his  head.  "N-NO!  IT'S  SUPPOSED  TO  BE  A  FAMILY-FRIENDLY  MALL!"

"But  what  fun  is  a  completely  family-friendly  place?"

"A  place  can  be  fun  without  being  devoid  of  innocence!"

"I  very  much  doubt  that; there  are  going  to  be  teenagers  here,  you  do  realize?"

"Well,  they'll  just  have  to  find  some  way  to  entertain  themselves,  or  go  to  a  different  mall."

Dio  exasperatedly  threw  his  hands  in  the  air.  "This  isn't  just  about  what  YOU  want,  JoJo!  Father  let  me  work  on  this too!"  

"Then  why  don't  you  go  and  ask  him  to  help  you?"  JoJo retorted.

"FINE!  I will!"  Dio  proceeded  to  dial  his  number.  In  the  most  meek  and  sob-inducing  voice  he  could  muster,  he  whined.  

"Daddy,  JoJo  won't  let  me  add  any  stores  of  my  own!  I  begged  him  to  let  me  add  a  couple  of  more  adult  stores,  but  he  said  that  it  needs  to  be  completely  family-friendly!....Oh,  I  see....Okay...Okay!  Thank  you,  Father!"

He  snapped  the  phone  shut  and  handed  it  to  Jonathan.  "See?  I  did  ask  him  for  help,  and  I  was  told  that  it  was  perfectly  fine.  In  fact,  he  repeated  my  own  words, 'After  all,  there  are  going  to  be  teenagers  and  adults  shopping  here.'  You  can  call  him  yourself,  if  you  don't  believe  me."

Jonathan  looked  down  at  the  phone  and  pouted. 'Oh,  well  it's  just  going  to  be  ONE  store.  How  bad  can  it  be?'

And  so,  after  a  few  more  arguments  and  a  lot  more  phone  calls,  A  Hooters  was  planted  inside  the  store. And  a  Spencer's.  And  a  Dick's  Last  Resort.

Now  all  that  was  left  was  to  hire  employees.

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He  hoped  none  of  his  co-workers  saw  him  do  this.

Clad  in  a  pair  of  black  skinny  jeans  and  a  large  grey  hoodie,  Risotto  looked  around  before  snatching  one  of  the  many  flyers  posted  around  the  city.  A  new  mall  was  to  be  opened  soon,  and  with  the  recent  pay  cuts  the  Boss  had  made,  he  couldn't  afford  most  of  the  necessities  for  their  jobs  or  for  personal  expenses.  And  being  a  man  who  hated  to  see  his  team  being  let  down,  what  better  way  to  support  them  than  to  make  up  for  that  recent  budget  cut?  So,  there  he  was,  frantically  plugging  the  digits  into  his  phone.  Just  as  he  rose  his  phone  to  his  face,  he  felt  a  small  frame  bump  into  him.

"Ow,  sorry!"

He  turned  around  to  help,  only  to  be  met  with  familiar  lilac  eyebrows  and  teal  eyes,  without  a  mask.

"Melone?!"

He  stood,  dusting  himself  off.

"Yep,  it's  me!  I  didn't  think  I'd  see  you  around  here,  Capo..."  Melone's  pleasantly  surprised  face  turned  to  one  of  curiosity  as  he  eyed  the  pale  scrap  in  Risotto's  palm.

"What  is  that?"

"Oh,  it's  nothing,  just  a  small  concert  I  was  thinking  about  going  to."

"Oooh,  may  I  see?  I  bet  it's  another  one  of  those  underground  metal  bands  you  like-"

The  tall  man  stepped  back  as  Melone  reached  for  the  paper,  making  him  nearly  fall  in  the  process.  He  pouted,  questioning,  "What's  so  wrong  about  it?  It's  just  a  band-"

"Yeah,  but,  um- I'm  kind  of  embarrassed  about  it,  you  may  not  like  it..."

Melone  rolled  his  eyes,  "But  it's  just  a  name,  how  bad  can  it  be?"  

"Ummm..."  Groaning  internally,  Risotto  decided that  it  would  be  best  just  to  give  it  up,  but  alas,  the  scrap  of  paper  was  missing  as  he  went  to  hand  it  to  Melone.  He  gasped,  "Where'd  it..."

Melone  giggled,  holding  the  paper  in  front  of  his  face,  "Got  it.~"

He  skimmed  over  the  paper  as  Risotto  looked  on  nervously.  "So,  a  second  job,  huh?..."  Risotto  slightly  stammered  over  his  words,  soon  being  cut  off  with  a  "Count  me  in!"  

"What?"

"You're  not  the  only  one  who's  thought  of  this,  Capo.~  I've  been  looking  for  a  while, too.  So,  put  in  a  good  word  for  me,  if  you  please."  He  smiled  up  at  him.

Still  in  a  bit  of  shock,  Risotto  hesitated  before  finally  picking  up  the  phone.  

"Hello,  Mr.  Joestar?  My  name  is  Risotto  Nero,  and  my  friend  and  I  would  like  to  apply  for  a  job  at  your  mall,  specifically..."  He  glanced  down  at  the  scrap  and  swallowed  his  pride.  

"...Specifically  at  the  Hooters."

[heir-of-the-founders]

I dont give a fuck anymore jesus christ i need yall to see this

Asdfghjkl its so hard to explain the amount of fucking hypocrisy in this video jesus.

Dont let the cleanliness fool you. Its a shithole.

The gym doesnt have an ac system but we can afford a giant (and by giant i mean ive never seen one this size before) touchscreen tv next to the auditorium and to have the 30 (that's not an exaggeration) tvs playing the fucking school news 7 times an hour every hour (they gloat about it but also gloat that we're the most watched student news in the state)(like no dip dumb dumb you play it 4800 times a damn day) and decals on the stairs and to completely revamp the auditorium.

They also cant be bothered to actually clean the fucking music wing. Theres these weird box couch things in there. Someone spilled a drink behind one. It took them a month AND being notified by other teachers bc students literally cant get a hold of janitorial at all ever. Fuck, freshman year a bird got inside and fucking died on the stairwell. Took 2 hours for the bird to be gone and 2 fucking weeks for the blood to be cleaned up. There was literally fucking blood on the windows and floor. Someone put notebook paper down so we didnt get blood on our shoes.

Oh! And when the band teacher mr swenson left he got replaced with henson and instead of giving him a new plaque they literally just taped an h over the sw with printer paper.

The head of the school board for my county literally got caught using the school credit card to go to hooters and buy alchohol but i guess nobody reported him bc that was freshman year and im a sr now and hes still head of the board.

Also, a few years ago (maybe it was only last yr i dont remember) during the march for our lives thing, a girl was organizing a protest and the hicks (for the people who dont know, those are the people that like,, kin the south. They literally wear plaid button ups and tuck their shirts into their too high jeans with giant belt buckles and wear cowboy boots and have confederate flags on their trucks, its ridiculous) the hicks literally kicked her and pushed her and spit on her in the halls for so long and it was so bad that she ended up not coming to school for like two weeks. But nobody got in trouble even though we have cameras literally everywhere.

My math teacher doesnt have a math degree. Well, shes not my math teacher anymore but like. She admitted to our class that she has no idea what shes doing. She yells at kids when they correct her. I literally transferred from algebra 2 to the algebra 2/ trigonometry mixed course in the middle of the year because it was taught by a different teacher and it made more fucking sense.

My english teacher sophomore year didnt have an english degree. He had a math degree. He also taught statistics. But that course was dropped when he retired jr yr. We literally didnt even read anything the whole thing was bullshit. He also had us say ubuntu (taken from wiki- Ubuntu (Zulu pronunciation: [ùɓúntʼù]) is a Nguni Bantu term meaning "humanity." It is often translated as "I am because we are," ) every day before class. it was weird.

Also the theater heads (the special ed teacher and 2 sports coaches) would like constantly yell at the theater kids to not bring any food or drink into the theater bc of like mice and shit but would then eat a pizza and drink coffee

Oh! Speaking of mice. The STEM classroom had this weird ass ceiling where it was like a platform of tiles hanging from the real ceiling and like it wasnt over the whole thing and we had a mouse problem in the school and sometimes the mice would get up there and sometimes you could hear them crawling around in the middle of class. There were also just like. Mouse traps. All over a lot of rooms.

One of the english rooms had a window thats inside and faces under a stairwell.

Oh and all that glass? Yeah, theres more and none of its bulletproof.

The pe teacher has a record of calling students whores and telling them theyre not going anywhere in life in front of the entire class bc the student didnt bring pe clothes. Its happened to both of my sisters and also a few friends. Ive seen it happen too. Amongst other things. Also, her office connects to the girls changing room and theres a window into it? And like the window is kinda covered up but with this weird material that has holes all over it. I dunno its just really creepy.

And like i guess last year the special ed teacher (one of the theater heads) got caught cheating on her husband (the freshman spanish teacher) with the (recently) retired freshman american history teacher. Mr s (the husband) and mr b (the side hoe) had rooms across from eachother. And now mrs s lives in Florida and mr s is just. Gone.

The excel head (like the head of the gifted kids program i guess?) Broke one of the 3d printers bc she was messing with it and then blamed it on a student and got the entire excel programs 3d printer privileges revoked. They even caught it in camera and she didnt get in trouble.

Sophomore year everyone called the science teacher daddy to the point that he just left.

The school has 3 elevators (required by law) and theyre kinda fucked up but i didnt realise it until i started using them regularly. First, there is a single thing in one if the elevators that says the last time they were inspected was 2014. Theres the main building elevator, the freshman building elevator, and the okd elevator, which is the only one that goes to the 3rd floor.

The old elevator is like. Really old. Like. Its manual. And you can touch the walls of the elevator shaft when yr moving. Also like. One half of the elevator just. Isnt covered. You also need a key to operate it and they dont give the keys out to the students so you either need to talk to the nurse before hand (and she always forgets) or try to find a janitor. Which. Only way to the 3rd floor. Elevator wise anyway. Which sucked wheb i had win time (like a mandatory study hall where you sign up for different teachers every day depending on 'What I Need', hence the name) on the 3rd floor bc sometimes mandatory stuff was scheduled up there. Which. Yay.

And the freshman building elevator fuckin,, it fuckin shakes. Like. Just. Its like turbulence. Its terrifying and ive genuinely thought i was about to die a few times.

People also use the elevators to vape bc the only one you need an adult for is the old one. This is evident by the smell.

Thats all that i can think of atm bc its 3am and i might delete this later but yea fuck my school

[nemobeatrice]

Diavolo Week 2023 Day 7: Free - Among Us in VRChat

Diavolo, a VTuber on Twitch and YouTube known as SweetDoppio, gets on VRChat. Formaggio introduces him to Narancia and suggests they play Among Us.

Ao3

Quotev

Wattpad

Diavolo was busy editing videos, bored out of his mind. Out of nowhere, Formaggio texted him on Discord.

“Get the fuck on VRChat,” the message said.

And so he did. When he got on, Formaggio invited him to his world to a fancy house he’ll never have in real life, a large Tuscan home with a pool, and Diavolo spawned in the living room. Formaggio was there with Melone and some guy he didn’t know. Formaggio’s avatar was David from Cyberpunk Edgerunners, and Melone’s avatar looked like an e-girl. As for the stranger, their avatar was Delphox from Pokemon.

“Hey, Diavolo! You see that guy?” Formaggio spoke to the stranger. “That’s one of my friends. Risotto’s not on, but his friend, Akira, is. I don’t know much about that guy. I know he and Risotto used to be in a band together once, and that’s it. Nothing else. I don’t know if they went to the same school or not. I doubt that because his name sounds Japanese. Anyways, Diavolo, hey! This guy next to me is Narancia.”

“Hey, I met these guys at Femboy Hooters.” He waved at him. “I don’t remember how, but yeah. After that, we played a cooking game.”

“Do I want to know?” Diavolo asked.

“Wait, hold up!” Narancia said before Formaggio could explain. “Your avatar looks like SweetDoppio’s VTuber model.”

“That’s because I am SweetDoppio.”

He gasped. “No way!”

“Yep, that’s him,” Formaggio said. “Anyways, let’s get some people to join us in a group of Among Us. I’m trying to get Risotto and Illuso on. Hey, Narancia, you got any friends?”

“Giorno, Mista, and Fugo. I’m not sure about Bruno and Abbacchio, though.”

“Alright, I’m going to drop a portal to—fuck, Melone, anyone, give me a destination.”

“We could go to Femboy Hooters,” suggested Melone.

“Formaggio, you never told me how you met Narancia there.”

“Oh, right. Give me a second. I have to find that avatar. Melone, do the thing.”

Formaggio changed his avatar to Eggman in a wheelchair, and Melone changed to Eggman but with big boobs and wearing a bikini.

“Ah, my beautiful wife!” Formaggio looked at Melone, who was messing with his massive tits, jiggling everywhere.

“Sorry, I can’t stop playing with them.”

“Oh, that’s who you guys were!” Narancia said.

“You know what? I’m going to drop a portal to Femboy Hooters. Diavolo is missing out on some fun.” Formaggio dropped the portal to where only friends of friends can join. “Come on, guys! Get in the van!”

Diavolo entered the portal, and the place looked like a regular Hooters.

“I don’t see what’s so special about this place,” he commented.

“Well, Melone likes to roleplay a lot here,” Formaggio replied. “It’s special to him.”

“Come on, try roleplaying as a waiter. Please?” Melone asked. “I’m going to roleplay as Eggman’s wife.”

“Do I have to change my avatar?” Diavolo asked.

“Nope,” Melone answered. “Anyways, I’ll have chicken strips with”—he paused dramatically—“the ranch. Teehee!”

“I’m scared,” Narancia commented.

“I’ll have the big mac with no pickles,” Formaggio ordered. “And um…and since this guy is a minor, just give him four chicken nuggets and some apple juice.”

“Yuck! I hate apple juice. I want orange!”

“Sir, this is a Femboy Hooters,” Diavolo reminded him.

“Do I fucking look like I’ve ever stepped into a Hooters?”

“No, you’re in a wheelchair, obviously,” Narancia said.

Melone burst into laughter, and two guys, one with an emo wolf furry as an avatar and the other was a skeleton, showed up.

“Do I want to know what’s going on here?” the furry asked. “Wait, is that SweetDoppio?”

“Hey, Fugo! Yeah, it’s him. Mista, why are you a skeleton?”

“I was playing Russian roulette, and every time I had the gun the fourth time, I died.”

“Where’s Trish and Giorno? They’re on, aren’t they?” Narancia asked.

“Hey, Diavolo, why are you standing there? Get us our order!” demanded Melone.

“Ugh!” He went behind the bar, fetched the food, and returned to them. Two other strangers stood near the group. One person had a Miku Hatsune avatar, and the other one’s avatar was Sonic. Narancia switched his avatar to Knuckles, and Fugo switched to Tails.

“Damn you, Knuckles! Look at what you did to my body!” said Formaggio, roleplaying. “I have to navigate the world through a chair!”

“Hey, Eggman, I have Sonic, and we’ll kick your ass! And Miku will make a song out of it!”

“Guys, our waiter is here!” Melone alerted them. “I see you got my chicken strips, but where’s the ranch? Wink wink.”

Diavolo slowly backed away. “No.”

“Pull down your pants and give me my ranch!”

“No, get your husband to make your ranch for you!”

“Here’s the thing. I’m paralyzed from the waist down. Thanks to a certain echidna .” Formaggio turned to face Narancia, who giggled. “I can’t get it up anymore. Sorry, but you got to pull down your pants.”

“And I’m out!” Diavolo ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet.

“Oh, no! Come here, boy!” Melone chased after him. “I know you’re behind that stall!”

“Go away!” He faked sobbing.

“Wait, are you actually getting uncomfortable? I can stop.”

“Oh, no. I’m just getting into character.”

“Wow, you’re really into this. I’m surprised you’re not streaming this.”

“It’s VRChat. Someone could randomly get on here and start playing music. I’ll get in trouble for that.”

“Oh, right. Hey, Risotto and Pesci are here. Oh my god, you’ve got to see their avatars. It’s so whacky.”

The two got out of the bathroom.

“Okay, what’s with the goose, Risotto?” Diavolo asked.

“I was using this to guide Pesci last night.”

Melone giggled. “And, Pesci, are you Ankha because of a certain video ?”

“Video? Are you talking about the trailer? I don’t think Ankha was in the video.”

“Oh, you poor fool, you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

Formaggio approached the four. “Hey, Riz, why isn’t Akira with you?”

“You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“He blocked you on Twitter.”

“Twitter? What the fuck for?”

Narancia then came over. “I hear yelling here. Did something happen?”

“Formaggio here got blocked by Akira, and he’s not happy. But how did you not remember? Melone, were you there?”

He shook his head.

“Well, Formaggio wanted to join the band, but Akira hasn’t met him. I would let him in my band, but I believe I should have everyone’s approval. Akira blocked him because Formaggio kept DMing and emailing him too much. By the way, he says you sound unprofessional.”

“Excuse me? I’m fucking unprofessional? Why do I need to be professional? Do you sell stocks or something? Hold on. I’m going to give this bitch a piece of my mind. Clearly, he had forgotten to take me off his friends list.”

The others soon joined.

“What’s going on?” Fugo asked.

Formaggio disappeared.

“Is the Among Us thing going to happen?” asked Narancia.

“Not sure, but I think this is funny because Akira is a criminal,” Melone replied.

Narancia looked at Risotto.

“I believe in second chances,” he said.

Formaggio returned. “Alright.” He sounded sad, judging from the sniffing sound at the end. His voice was shaky too. “I’ll drop the portal down.”

They all went in.

“Alright,” Formagio started, “I set it to where there can be two impostors, and everyone can hear us. We can use the emergency meeting thrice, but it has a cooldown of 25 seconds. Does this sound good to everyone?”

Everybody was quiet.

“I’ll assume that’s a yes. Alright, we’re starting!”

Everybody got teleported to the game.

“I’m going to keep an eye on Pesci and Diavolo,” Risotto said. “Last time, it was just the nine of us, and Pesci was the impostor. Then Diavolo hacked the game and killed him.”

Everybody but Pesci looked at Diavolo.

“Is this true?” Narancia asked.

“It’s not,” Pesci answered. “Risotto’s just mad.”

“No, I was there. Diavolo definitely cheated,” Formaggio said. “Melone, you had a recording, right?”

“I did, but I had to stop it once I died. Ghiaccio needed to calm down, so we had sex.”

“That’s too much,” Fugo complained. “Anyways, I’m going to complete my task.”

“Same,” said Giorno.

“Just so you guys know, I didn’t do it!” Diavolo lied. “I would never do that. That could ruin my reputation!” He wasn’t the impostor this time. A shame, though. He was good at it.

“Hey, Narancia, we should stick together,” Mista said.

“Right, I need to go to medbay, and then I have to get the fuel. Hey, Trish, who are you going to group up with?”

“I’ll be with Fugo and Giorno.”

“I knew you were going to say that,” commented Mista.

The three went on their separate ways, leaving Melone, Risotto, and Formaggio with Diavolo and Pesci.

“The three of us can’t keep an eye on them forever. One of us has to go,” Risotto said.

Melone got on Risotto. “Since I call dibs on riding Risotto, Formaggio, go check Mista and Narancia. The two of us can handle them.”

He sighed. “I’m being cucked again.” He turned around and went to MedBay. “Did you guys hear that? I’m watching over you.”

“Pesci, let’s split. I’m not an impostor. I’m not that lucky,” Diavolo said.

“Right. Well, I have a card to swipe.”

“Melone, are you going to follow him?” asked Risotto.

“Nah, if he’s an impostor. He won’t get far. He needs Prosciutto with him.”

“So neither of you aren’t going to do your tasks?” Diavolo questioned. “Suit yourself. Help the impostors.”

He walked to medbay to scan himself with Melone and Risotto following him. Then he went to the reactor.

“I have an idea,” Melone said. He got off Risotto. “I’m going to check the security camera the entire time.”

“What about your tasks?” Diavolo asked.

“You’re obsessed with tasks. Maybe you’re the impostor, but you haven’t killed anyone yet. I’m watching you.” Melone walked to the security room to check the footage.

“I’ll handle Diavolo.” Risotto stared at him.

He had never felt threatened by a goose before and imagined an actual goose standing behind him and breathing down his neck, causing him to chuckle.

“What you laughing at?” Risotto asked.

He laughed even harder, thinking of a goose with Risotto’s voice, his goofy hat, and his mannerisms.

Concerned, Melone approached the two. “What’s going on here?”

“Melone, what’re you doing? Look at the security footage! Someone could be dying right now!”

He returned to the security room. “Strange, I see Formaggio running around with Narancia, but he’s not with Mista. Now I see Trish by herself. I’m going to check on Pesci.”

“Wait, don’t leave me alone with Risotto!” Diavolo said. “He might be an impostor and kill me!”

“Are you faking your tasks, Diavolo?” Risotto asked.

“No! Pesci had a card to swipe. He might still be in admin. I remember Ghiaccio had trouble with that task.”

“Fine, whatever! We’ll all go together,” Melone said. “It’ll take forever to complete our tasks, though.”

When they went in admin, they saw Pesci’s chalk outline.

“Oh, shit!” Melone got close to his body and interacted with it, causing a meeting.

The game teleported everyone alive to the cafeteria. The board on the window displayed everybody’s name, including the dead.

“Two people dead already?” asked Fugo. “Narancia, Formaggio, weren’t you with him?”

“Yeah, but he went off to do another task,” Narancia answered.

“I was in the security room,” Melone informed them. “I saw both of them running down the hall, but Trish wasn’t with her group.”

“This is Trish’s second time playing Among Us in VRChat,” Giorno said. “She told us she had to take samples. Fugo and I kept our eyes on her, so it can’t be her.”

“Giorno, I think the killers might be Narancia and Formaggio,” Fugo said.

“What makes you think that?” Narancia demanded. “You always suspect me as the impostor!”

“Every time I suspect you’re the impostor, I’m right.”

“And how many times have I been the impostor?”

“I didn’t keep track.”

“See? No way am I the impostor. I had my eyes on Formaggio.”

“I’m saying both of you are the impostor. There are two impostors. One of you killed Mista while the other ran to admin to kill Pesci. Melone, did you see them on any other footage?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Are we going to trust Melone?” Diavolo asked. “You weren’t doing your tasks. Maybe you were the one who killed Pesci and Mista.”

“But it’s not me! Did anyone even see where Mista died?” asked Melone. Silence. “No? Come on! I was in security the whole time! I’m innocent!”

“I’m siding with Melone on this,” Risotto spoke. “I know he was in security, and Diavolo, you were laughing out of nowhere. Perhaps you foresaw their deaths.”

“Yeah, it can’t be my wife,” Formaggio added.

“Your wife, Doctor Eggman? The same wife that has been cheating on you?” Diavolo questioned.

“Look, I enjoy getting cucked! You’ll never understand.”

“So, you wouldn’t mind if I did this?” Diavolo fondled Melone’s balloon tits, causing him to moan lewdly. It sounded like Melone enjoyed this.

“Stop! You don’t know what you’re doing to my wife and me! Don’t you dare rest your tiny little head on her breast!”

Diavolo placed his head on his tits, making them moan.

“Could you guys quit being weird!” Fugo asked. “God, this is uncomfortable. My parents are also in the next room. Narancia, you have some weird friends.”

“So, who are we voting to kick out?” Trish asked. “Time is running out.”

“Oh, we’re going to vote you out,” Formaggio said. “It just makes sense. What were you doing away from your group?”

“Are you serious? Giorno just explained!” Fugo argued.

“Well, I wasn’t convinced. Plus, neither could hear you. For all we know, you or Giorno could be the impostor.”

“Oh my god, you’re worse than Narancia. Giorno, let’s just vote this dumbass out.”

Everyone voted. Trish had three votes, Formaggio had three, and Diavolo and Melone had one. Since Trish and Formaggio were tied, nobody got teleported out.

“I want to change my vote,” Diavolo said, knowing that he couldn’t manipulate the others into voting Melone out.

“Melone, you didn’t vote for Diavolo?” Risotto questioned.

“I think it’s Trish,” he explained. “I saw what I saw on the camera. Right now, she looks sus.”

“Yeah, you know I’m not good at lying,” Formaggio said. “I can’t be the impostor. I know she killed Mista while we weren’t looking.”

“Well, I guess that does make sense. I’ll hit the emergency button.”

Risotto called for an emergency meeting, causing Trish to sigh. Everyone except Fugo and Giorno voted Trish out, causing the game to teleport her outside the map and fall to her death. Trish was not the impostor.

“What?” Melone blurted. “It had to be her. It just made sense!”

“No, Melone, I think you planned this!” Diavolo argued. “You haven’t done your tasks because you’re so focused on the damn security room! Maybe you were trying to protect the impostor. Or perhaps you and Risotto are the impostors, and you snuck out to kill the others while Risotto kept a close eye on me while I did my tasks. And Risotto couldn’t kill me because then everyone would know!”

“No, it can’t be my wife!” Formaggio rolled closer to Melone. “Say it ain’t so!”

“It’s not, my little Discord kitten! Diavolo is manipulating all of you into voting me out!”

“Hey, Fugo, maybe we were wrong about Narancia and Formaggio being the impostors,” Giorno said. “It has to be one of them, but I’m starting to think it might be Melone.”

Everybody voted again. Melone had five votes, while Diavolo had two.

“Whores, all of you,” Melone said before the game teleported him to his death.

Melone was not the impostor.

Narancia and Formaggio giggled.

“I shouldn’t be laughing, but damn,” Formaggio said.

“I know, right? He sounds so mad,” Narancia commented.

“Well, it’s just the six of us, and neither of the impostors has died. So, there are four of us,” Risotto said.

“Yeah, and you’re an impostor!” Diavolo accused.

“Okay, looks like we can’t seem to trust each other,” Giorno said. “How do we feel about doing our tasks by ourselves? Risotto, from what I’m hearing, it sounds like you haven’t done yours. Someone needs to keep an eye on you.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him since I know him well,” Formaggio volunteered. “If I die, tell Shadow I always loved him more than my dead wife.”

“Alright, let’s get all cleared,” Fugo said. “Formaggio will watch over Risotto while we do our work and watch out for the other impostor. By the way, Narancia, I still don’t trust you.”

“I don’t trust you either.”

Everyone went their separate ways, and Diavolo went to weapons to clear asteroids and then to O2 to dispose of garbage. Before he could go to navigation, Giorno was in the hallway.

“Oh, hello,” he said.

Diavolo was cautious. “Hello.”

“Have you seen Fugo? I completed my tasks and thought he would be in O2.”

Before he could answer, everybody was back at the cafeteria.

“What the hell?” Risotto commented. “I was in the middle of my task.”

On the board, Fugo was dead.

“Fuck you, Giorno!” Narancia yelled and got close to him. “I should’ve known it was you! Before we voted Trish out, I could’ve sworn you said something to Trish!”

“Wait, wait, Narancia, I think you might be right,” Formaggio said. “I remember now! I did hear something!”

“We’re voting Giorno out!”

“He was alone with me when I was heading to navigation,” Diavolo said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t trust you.”

Giorno had four votes, and it was all over for them. Giorno was not the impostor.

The four of them returned to the others. Formaggio and Narancia were the impostors.

“I fucking knew it and called it,” Fugo said.

Narancia cackled. “You just suck.”

“I was the first to die,” Pesci said, sounding sad.

“I think I was, but don’t feel bad, man,” comforted Mista.

“Wow, Diavolo, I should’ve believed you when you said you weren’t the impostor,” Risotto said.

“It’s fine. I can’t blame you for thinking it’s me. I usually hack the game into making me the impostor.”

[topclassteacher-blog]

What it’s like to live and teach English in South Korea

I have been teaching for nearly 10 years and during that time, I have had the privilege of teaching in a number of different countries. Therefore, I’d like to write a few posts for other  travellers who may be thinking of following in my footsteps.

So, first of all, let’s go back to where it all began; Busan, South Korea. The year is 2008 and I had just finished my degree. Like a lot of graduates, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life but I had spent the previous few years working with kids and I had loved it. Therefore, when my mum told me that the daughter of one of her friends was teaching in South Korea, I thought why not?

Before Going

One of the worst parts of my whole experience was before I went. First of all, a mate of mine was supposed to come with me but he dropped out - after we had had our leaving party! Then, the agent who I had been working with went on holiday and my visa application sat on her desk untouched. This meant that I was late arriving and I missed the training provided by the EPIK (English Program in Korea). That being said, I have since been told that the training was not fantastic and that a lot of my peers went to their respective schools feeling far from confident.

If you are planning to go to Korea, you must be in possession of the following things:

- A Bachelor’s Degree

- A passport from a native speaking English country (UK, USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Ireland)

The following things are also important to consider

- No visible tattoos

- No history of mental illness

- No drug use (you are drug tested when you arrive)

However, remember that most employers in South Korea will pay for:

- Your rent

- Your flight (this will be reimbursed on arrival)

Arriving

Upon arriving in Busan, South Korea, I was taken to my school directly from the plane. Imagine my horror when I realised this - I was wearing a Hooters baseball top as it was the most comfortable and loose fitting thing I owned. I met the principal and had to give a little speech in front of all the other teachers - again something I wasn’t prepared for.

Just a day later, I was in front of my first ever class. I had been given a few textbooks (even then I could see what poor quality they were) and the powerpoints created by the previous incumbent of my position. I cobbled together an introduction lesson and stood up in front of the class. Now here is a huge difference to consider - will you be in a public school (organised by EPIK) or a hagwon (a private academy)? For an explanation of the difference, see the section below. I was with EPIK which meant I was assisted by a Korean co-teacher who translated everything I said into Korean. At the time, I thought this was great but I now realise that this is really bad practice. I was really glad she was there that day though as, 25 minutes into a 40 minute lesson, I ran out of things to say. Fortunately, she stepped in and ‘rescued’ me and by the time the next class rolled around, I had prepared a little more; enough to fill the time at least.

On the whole, I did the best I could in class but with no formal training, I acknowledge my lessons were pretty awful. That’s why I would definitely recommend getting a CELTA before teaching anywhere. Not only does it prepare you for what it’s like to stand in front of a class but you also get a slight salary bump as well.

EPIK or Hagwon?

EPIK

Advantages

A Korean co-teacher handles discipline and is on hand to translate any difficult words.

You don’t teach the same class all the time so you can ‘rinse and repeat’ lessons which means less planning.

Your classes are often cancelled as they are not high priority. This means you often get paid for doing nothing. For me, this was actually a disadvantage because I went stir-crazy with nothing to do for long periods.

You work a traditional work week - 8.30-4.30, Monday-Friday.

You are much less likely to get bad accommodation, although this does happen.

Disadvantages

Days are very repetitive

You may be the only native speaker teacher there which can make meeting new people difficult

You sometimes feel like a circus attraction - the kids used to come to my class just to stare at me or pull hairs out of my arms.

Hagwon

Advantages

Higher salary

You teach the same children so you have a chance to learn names and build a relationship with them

There are other native speakers around for you to interact with.

You are given full lesson plans to work with

Disadvantages

There are a lot of shady operators who do not treat their teachers very well, e.g. a friend of mine was made to live in her boss’ basement.

You work until late. The normal work day is 2-10pm.

Your classes are NEVER cancelled. If you are contracted to work those hours, there will always be students there.

You have to handle discipline yourself.

Life in Korea

Socialising in Korea

Socialising in Korea was incredible. I quickly got myself into a football team of native speaker teachers and travelled all over Korea with them and I had a large group of friends. While the majority of my free time was spent out drinking and partying, I also had some of the most incredible experiences there including:

- Making Kimchi (see food) with monks

- Diving with sharks at the Busan Aquarium

- Jumping off the Daegu Tower (unfortunately this is now closed)

- Playing in a volleyball tournament on Haeundae Beach in Busan

- Being invited to a co-teacher’s house for traditional Korean food

- Visiting incredible temples - Yonggungsa in Busan is stunning!

2. Korean Food

I miss the food - my God how I miss the food! When I arrived, I wasn’t convinced by the food but after being shown around by my new friends, I realised that Korean food is fantastic. Here are some of the things you need to try

- Kimchi. The Korean staple, Kimchi is fermented cabbage served in a chilli sauce. While it may not sound nice, it’s different in every restaurant that you visit and when you find 2-3 restaurants where they make good kimchi, you will not be able to stop eating it. Popular variations are Kimchi-jigae (Kimchi soup) and Kimchi-Pahjon (Kimchi pancake) which are also delicious.

- Samgyupsal and Bulgogi. Order raw meat and cook it on your own personal grill with onions, garlic, Korean chilli paste and Kimchi. Then enjoy family style!

- Hae-Jang-Guk. Translated this means ‘hangover soup’ and boy does it do the job. The contents are pork spine with a fiery broth. The meat just melts in your mouth and you can add rice for extra yumminess.

- Tang-Soo-Yuk. Korea’s answer to sweet and sour, this is much more tasty in my opinion. Sticky and really unhealthy, it’s another thing you won’t want to stop eating.

- Ojingo. Squid that is served while it is still moving. This is an acquired taste but something you have to try. The sensation of the suckers sticking to the inside of your mouth is bizarre but unique.

3. Korean people/customs

On the whole, you will find Koreans a pleasant enough bunch and some of the younger generations have grown up having native speaking English teachers so it is normal for them. Make an effort to have some Korean friends even though it’s tempting to just hang around with other English speakers. Some of my best experiences came with my Korean friends Gyu-Ho, and (Super) Hans. However, there are a few things you should be aware of. Do not get into any kind of conflict with a Korean as your status as a foreigner means you are always in the wrong (even in the eyes of the police in some cases). Koreans are fiercely protective of their language and are not especially helpful when you make mistakes. Do what I didn’t and take classes to make sure your pronunciation is spot on.

Korean people (especially women) love to form relationships with native speakers and while they are very affectionate and undeniably attractive in a lot of cases, this can cause problems with old-fashioned families. One friend of mine was told that he would marry his Korean girlfriend ‘over her father’s dead body’.

This section seems unduly negative and I don’t want it to be. Most of the people I met were great people and were so happy that I was there to share in their culture. The negative sides of this part are more a case of ‘forewarned is forearmed’.

In terms of customs, you will often find that you will need to remove your shoes before entering a house or, in my case, even a school. However, they will often provide slippers/sandals for you to wear.

While eating there are a few customs to be aware of. A lot of meals in restaurants are served on low tables which require you to sit cross-legged. I am the least flexible person ever so this was not an enjoyable experience for me. Also, the person sitting opposite you is your ‘partner’ and you are ‘responsible’ for them, Make sure they always have a drink in front of them and serve it to them with one hand while holding the other on your bicep, e.g. serve with your right hand, your left hand should be on your right bicep. Finally, please please please learn to use chopsticks before you go. When I arrived, I didn’t know how to use them and it caused me no end of embarrassment. When I finally learned, my Korean co-teachers and waiters/waitresses in restaurants were so happy. It’s a small thing but it makes a huge difference.

The last major custom that you should be aware of is the different approach to nudity. Koreans will often visit jjimjilbangs (spas) with friends and coworkers. Once inside, the men and the women are separated and go into large spa rooms/hot baths completely naked. This is normal but Korean people are a little prone to staring especially if, like me, you are quite hirsute.

4. Shopping in Korea

While you are in Korea, you will still be able to get a lot of your home comforts. In Busan, they have a Costco where you can buy a lot of Western food although you have to buy it in bulk.

In terms of clothes, you need to be aware that sizes differ drastically. Here in the UK, when buying a pair of shorts, I wear a medium but in Korea my shorts were an XL! Also, for women, if you are busty, it can be very difficult to find clothes that will fit. A friend of mine once went into a shop and the shop assistant pointed at her chest and said “No size, no size”.

As you might imagine, electronics are cheap so there’s no need to take too many gadgets with you. I bought a really nice camera out there much cheaper than I could have bought it in the UK.  

5. Transport/Getting Around in Korea

The best way of travelling from city to city in Korea is the KTX (the bullet train). This super-fast train is affordable and comfortable and is a pleasure to travel on. If you’re on a budget there is also the mugunghwa which is an older, slower train that is used to get to smaller towns and villages.

In terms of travelling in the city, most of the big cities have a subway system which makes it easy to get around. I used this opportunity to learn the Korean letters as all the stations are in Korean and in English. There are also buses that you can use if there isn’t a subway station near where you are heading. Finally, taxis are much cheaper than in the UK (I’d say cheaper even than Uber) but make sure that you know how to pronounce where you’re going - I got into a rather heated argument with a taxi driver about my pronunciation of White Hotel as the Korean pronunciation was White-uh Hoe-ter. As you might imagine, I was quite upset about having my pronunciation of English words corrected.

Last word

Overall, Korea is a wonderful place and a part of me still misses living there. The quality of life is great and as an English teacher you will be financially comfortable.

I hope this guide to living in Korea has been helpful and if there is anything I haven’t covered or if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

[artmd]

In the end, they didn’t crash into the Chicago streets or plunge into the freezing lake but made it safely to the runway, where all the emergency-response equipment was in place but not needed. It turned out, in a detail that could have been lifted from a George Saunders story, they all nearly died because the plane had flown into a flock of geese.

“For three or four days after that,” he said, “it was the most beautiful world. To have gotten back in it, you know? And I thought, If you could walk around like that all the time, to really have that awareness that it’s actually going to end. That’s the trick.”

You could call this desire — to really have that awareness, to be as open as possible, all the time, to beauty and cruelty and stupid human fallibility and unexpected grace — the George Saunders Experiment. It’s the trope of all tropes to say that a writer is “the writer for our time.” Still, if we were to define “our time” as a historical moment in which the country we live in is dropping bombs on people about whose lives we have the most abstracted and unnuanced ideas, and who have the most distorted notions of ours; or a time in which some of us are desperate simply for a job that would lead to the ability to purchase a few things that would make our kids happy and result in an uptick in self- and family esteem; or even just a time when a portion of the population occasionally feels scared out of its wits for reasons that are hard to name, or overcome with emotion when we see our children asleep, or happy when we risk revealing ourselves to someone and they respond with kindness — if we define “our time” in these ways, then George Saunders is the writer for our time.

Aside from all the formal invention and satirical energy of Saunders’s fiction, the main thing about it, which tends not to get its due, is how much it makes you feel. I’ve loved Saunders’s work for years and spent a lot of hours with him over the past few months trying to understand how he’s able to do what he does, but it has been a real struggle to find an accurate way to express my emotional response to his stories. One thing is that you read them and you feel known, if that makes any sense. Or, possibly even woollier, you feel as if he understands humanity in a way that no one else quite does, and you’re comforted by it. Even if that comfort often comes in very strange packages, like say, a story in which a once-chaste aunt comes back from the dead to encourage her nephew, who works at a male-stripper restaurant (sort of like Hooters, except with guys, and sleazier), to start unzipping and showing his wares to the patrons, so he can make extra tips and help his family avert a tragic future that she has foretold.

Junot Díaz described the Saunders’s effect to me this way: “There’s no one who has a better eye for the absurd and dehumanizing parameters of our current culture of capital. But then the other side is how the cool rigor of his fiction is counterbalanced by this enormous compassion. Just how capacious his moral vision is sometimes gets lost, because few people cut as hard or deep as Saunders does.”

“If death is in the room, it’s pretty interesting,” Saunders said, meaning that any story circling around the idea of death is going to be charged. “But I would also say that I’m interested in getting myself to believe that it’s going to happen to me. I’m interested in it, because if you’re not, you’re nuts. It’s really de facto what we’re here to find out about. I hate the thought of messing around and then being like, ‘Oh, I’ve got pancreatic cancer.’ It’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to even think of. But to me, it’s what you should be thinking about all the time. As a fiction writer, the trick is how to be thinking about it in a way that makes it substantial. You want it to matter when you do induce it.”

“I’d been kind of an Ayn Rand guy before that,” he said. “And then you go to Asia and you see people who are genuinely poor and genuinely suffering and hadn’t gotten there by whining.” While on a break in Singapore, walking back to his hotel in the middle of the night, he stopped by an excavation site and “saw these shadows scuttling around in the hole. And then I realized the shadows were old women, working the night shift. Oh, I thought, Ayn Rand doesn’t quite account for this.”

“I saw the peculiar way America creeps up on you if you don’t have anything,” he told me. “It’s never rude. It’s just, Yes, you do have to work 14 hours. And yes, you do have to ride the bus home. You’re now the father of two and you will work in that cubicle or you will be dishonored. Suddenly the universe was laden with moral import, and I could intensely feel the limits of my own power. We didn’t have the money, and I could see that in order for me to get this much money, I would have to work for this many more years. It was all laid out in front of me, and suddenly absurdism wasn’t an intellectual abstraction, it was actually realism. You could see the way that wealth was begetting wealth, wealth was begetting comfort — and that the cumulative effect of an absence of wealth was the erosion of grace.”

[ranthrewrising]

Hello Children

So over the year, I have been collecting quotes and sayings so I could pick one for my senior quote. Now that my senior year is near, I thought I would share. Enjoy mother fuckers "Oh good, peaches at a strip bar" "There are so many churches in this town because there are so many sinners" "I'd love to see Jesus, but I'm so hungry" "I got the picture, now let's go before we get shot" "I had a crush on a guy once, then another guy went and shot up his house. Good times" "The struggle is real bitches" "This is not a clothing optional class" - Mr.Buttner "don't let me school you on trap music." "Girl, I got more guns than Jesus" "yaaaasssss" - Mr.Buttner "I'm gonna unlike Mary though" Mr.Buttner "I can't even do dumbass chemistry" Grandeddy "Wait. You actually do work in this class?" "You can't put your problems In a tiny backpack" “You’re gonna die anyway, so just set your house on fire and drink snake venom. "Pay attention to John green" "Cow boys have always been in use, I know because I've used them" "God I love madonna" "From the womb to the tomb" "Put down im strong as a mofo". "Guess what, you have a father" "WABAM" -Buttner "*drops baby*"- Cathleen "Old age is for sissys" "375 bitches" "Why not sexy elbows" "The best part is when the black chick starts singing" "Brittney spears is my jam, toxic is my anthem" "Beer pong is an art" "So, there was a little caesers pizza on the side walk" "It's like nanny McPhee but with drinking" "He's driving through sheets getting cheese curds, he's so full of shit" "It takes two to procreate" "I am a snan if you will" "Screw the patriarchy" "Speaking of spicy, do you guys have any water" "Living with regret is a bitch" "I could do keg stands in a minute" "Those kids couldn't do shit. I drove my mustang off the dock of lochmere" "Settle down my toasted wheat thins" "Oh no ive been inconvinced" "I must call my family! *bird noise* " "If I get a concussion. I will find out where Greg lives and send him the bill" "Let's go sit on the apron *giddy laughter*" "If you don't give me this god damn candy corn, I will eat your hand" "Everyone had lumps and bumps" "Cool beans, beans of cool" -You are a fishmonger -Well, here is my leg -Take you me for a sponge, my lord? -Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in the shape of a camel? -Eat my leek "Attack? More like give candy aggressively" "Oh yeah? I told you not to do something and you did it anyway? Go fuck your self" "There will be no furries in my household" "Shooty shoot shoot" LMM "Oh god there are things that are happening" "Well the thing is...I don't know" "Look lady, I was on pain meds. I don't even know what happened yesterday" "Are you just being a dick on purpose now ?" "For a second, I forgot what a leaf was" "I'm gonna punch her right in the tits" "This is some catastrophe shit" "Could y'all do me a favor and make a lot of noise to drive her crazy?" -Could you stand in front of my bus so I can run you over?" "I loved Spanish, of course I had a hot teacher. God she was smokin. Damn shame she married the gym teacher" "Pumpkin pie and jack Daniels, never again" "Of course this is a fashion show, everywhere I go is a fashion show" "Well that's just you showin that you're a racist bitch" "I had mace in highschool" "Imagine this, a hot room with sweaty contorsanists" "Hell run his smart ass mouth, and when he turns around,I'll stab him" "I....I don't even know" "And Jesus was like, boi, give this man a break" "They've been gone a long ass time my guy" "Those Scottish men are very angry" "The website said I was sexually frustrated, I am going to die a virgin, so I guess it's right" “What an ass am I!”
—Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2 “I am not a slut,”
—As You Like It, Act 3, Scene 3
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) “Hell is empty and all the devils are here,”
—The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2 “Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways,”
—Henry IV Part 2, Act 4, Scene 5 “This is the excellent foppery of the world,” –King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2 “Making the beast with two backs,”
—mOthello, Act 1, Scene 1 “The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool,”
—As You Like It, Act 5, Scene 1 “To tell thee plain, I aim to lie with thee,”
—Henry VI Part 3, Act 3, Scene 2
(Works great for courting hot widows.) “I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me,”
—Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1, Scene 1 “I wasted time, and now doth time waste me,”
—Richard II, Act 5, Scene 5 “Marry, sir, in her buttocks.”
—A Comedy of Errors, Act 2, Scene 5
(No judgement here.) “My horse is my mistress,”
—Henry V, Act 3, Scene 7
(Uh, there might be something wrong with that.) “Thou dost infect my eyes,”
—Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2 “Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit,”
—Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 5
(“Wit” is Shakespearean slang for penis.) “[Wine] provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance,”
—Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 3 “I had rather live with cheese and garlic in a windmill, far, than feed on cates and have him talk to me in any summer-house in Christendom,”
—Henry IV Part 2, Act 4 Scene 1 “Now, gods, stand up for bastards!”
—King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2 “Villain, I have done thy mother!”
—Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2
(This means exactly what you think it does.) “And thou unfit for any place but hell,”
—Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2 “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers,”
—Henry VI Part 2, Act 4, Scene 2 “Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.”
—Othello, Act 4, Scene 2 “Out, dunghill!”
—King John, Act 4, Scene 3 “This is too long.”
—Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2 "That's the same guy, he's just on a different corner. *like a hooker* he's selling bonsai, not bushes" "Team thucc for the win" "no hoochie mamas on the field" "God can't help you now" "Jesus used the vostros" "Don't bring a gun to a knife fight" “Suck my dick Confucius, because you have been declined bitch.” "He's 18 years old, that's illegal" "What's a vise? Oh the clampy thing" "You can go to a website called suck it.com" "I'm throwing fire and grabbing titties" "He kept coming like an asshole" "Us being the white people in there" "I am not a smart man" "frank sinatra is a cryptid and he gave me a blow job behind an applebees" "Which one is the salad fork and which one is the one I kill myself with" "Sometimes, I have an urge to stab people who pass the ball right to the goalies stick" "Shooting high to high makes me want to kick puppies" "I stabbed a kid in the neck with a pencil when I was 11, so I'm not afraid to stab you when you shoot high to high" "Smoke god, pray to weed, and respect women, Solomon 4:20" "I'm Mary fricken poppins!" "That happened 31 years ago, you need to let it go" "The oldest wasn't any help, she would sneak out at 2 in the morning to go horse riding" "He never called me by my name, it was either slick or the n word" "Mothman is real and he offered me cocaine in a dimly lit jc penny’s" "Aw no honey, you need to try all types of flavors"-my mother on dating "Who said just said daddy, get out" "If you ain't eat at a hooters, then you ain't shit" "I want it all" -cobra command "Luckily, im a messy bitch who loves drama"- Shea coulee "Let's change shit up!" Sasha Valour "Change the motherfucking world" Sasha Valour "Oh my god, he's gonna shit his pants" "Impress them with your lovemaking, then impress them with your lawmaking" "I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds" "-you blew it -super hard -complete buffoonery" "...tampons, what the hell is that? A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up there?" "Benedict Cumberbatch, who the fuck is that?"

[38-planes]

How the couple behind Come From Away created a Canadian musical hit

The Globe and Mail, 17 February 2017

Come from Away creators David Hein and Irene Sankoff struggled as artists, found each other as life and business partners and became the dynamic duo of the Canadian musical

For Valentine’s Day week, here’s a love story, times two.

It’s about how a Prairie dreamer with a guitar and a Toronto realist who always had a backup plan got together as romantic partners – and then, a decade later, saved their relationship and discovered a unique voice that would take them to Broadway by getting together again, as artistic partners.

Come from Away’s creators David Hein and Irene Sankoff, whose Newfoundland-set hit about the 38 planeloads of people stranded in Gander after 9/11 opens in previews on 45th Street on Saturday, told it one morning before departing for New York, in the living room of the two-storey Toronto home they bought in 2006 with the help of their parents, day jobs and a 35-year mortgage no longer offered by banks.

A decade later, they have a three-year-old named Molly, are working as artists full-time – and, financially, the picture looks a heck of a lot different. Best-case scenario, if Come from Away sells out in Manhattan the way it did in Seattle and Toronto, as sole authors of the work, they could pull in $27,000 (U.S.) a week – more every seven days than the average Canadian author or writer earns in a year.

That’s my estimate based on industry standards – but money is the one topic these two children of divorce who both, at times, lived in humble circumstances with their single mothers are sheepish about. “We grew up without a lot of money, so the whole thing makes me really nervous,” Sankoff says.

Hein further cites the statistic that only one in five shows on Broadway makes a profit. “Literally, we’re the fifth show out of five to go to Broadway from Canada – and one of them [2006’s The Drowsy Chaperone] has already made it!”

Falling in love

Their first love story is beautifully conventional: Hein, born in Regina, and Sankoff, from the Toronto suburb of North York, met on the first day of frosh week at York University in the 1990s. “Irene thinks it was a welcome barbecue; I think it was at a welcome pancake breakcast,” Hein says.

“Because it was outside, right?”

“You can eat pancakes outside.”

The aspiring songwriter and aspiring actress both loved theatre – but, musically, were divided. Hein, as a kid, through visits to the Winnipeg Folk Festival with his mother, had developed a taste for bands such as Blue Rodeo and Great Big Sea (a similar sound pervades Come from Away’s score), while Sankoff was a musical-theatre nut who danced all her life and bonded with her mother over old movie musicals. “My mom would come back after working to 11 or whatever on Christmas Eve and we would start watching Top Hat … or those old Gene Kelly musicals,” she recalls. “I was obsessed.”

But Sankoff was also an academic overachiever feeling pressure from the science-focused side of her family – and, while she acted extracurricularly at York, she graduated with a double major in psychology and creative writing.

The young couple’s first major fight was, as only a young couple’s could be, about whether theatre could change the world. They went at it until the sun came up – the dreamer trying to convince the realist.

Hein didn’t win the argument – but, on the verge of applying to do a master’s in speech and language pathology, Sankoff did decide to at least give acting a try professionally.

New York

So, in 1999, Sankoff and Hein moved to New York. Sankoff began studying at the Actors Studio – as seen on TV – and Hein, who has dual citizenship, began work as “assistant everything” at a music studio where The Muppets recorded, borrowing the equipment to record his own songs at night.

The pair lived in a residence called International House in Upper Manhattan along with grad students from 110 countries – and that’s where they were when, on Sept. 11, 2001, planes were flown into the twin towers of the World Trade Center. That night, windows shut to keep the smell of smoke out, scared students from around the world gathered around a piano in the residence for an impromptu concert – a moving experience Sankoff and Hein would later draw on for Come from Away.

But 9/11 had a more immediate impact on them. A month later, Hein woke up and said, “Hey, why don’t we get married?” They were already engaged – but on Oct. 12, 2001, they headed down to City Hall and secretly eloped.

Playbills from Hein and Sankoff’s New York years still hang on the kitchen wall of the house they share with their daughter and two cats, one named Elphaba (after the Wicked witch) and the other Gambo (after the Newfoundland town).

But it was not always a dream: Savings dwindled, the studio Hein was working at shut down, and Sankoff – who had an agent and was getting gigs – separated a shoulder in a dance class.

Uninsured, she took a trip to Toronto to see a doctor – and it turned into a move back home.

The second love story

Back in Canada, Hein and Sankoff had to build an artistic community from scratch. She landed a role in The Mousetrap; he released an album called North of Nowhere. And so it went for years – pursuing art at night and paying bills through tutoring or graphic design. Soon, they were married homeowners, but they barely got to see each other and grew lonely, especially when Hein was off on tour. Was this living the dream?

And this – in 2009 – is where the second love story begins.

Hein had written a song called My Mother’s Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding – based on his own experience as the son of a woman who came out later in life and remarried – that was popular on tour. More than most of his work, it was influenced by the musical theatre that Sankoff had introduced him to over the course of their relationship. What if, he wondered, they could expand it into an actual musical – and, at the very least, spend some time together?

Marrying their skills, Hein and Sankoff began trying to turn their family’s story into a fictional musical – at first, a conventional “book musical” where an invisible fourth wall descends in front of the audience and scenes and songs alternate to tell a story.

But an epiphany Sankoff had on Valentine’s Day led the pair to a different writing style – one they later refined with Come from Away.

At the gym that day, Sankoff was talking with an enthusiastic friend about Wiccan Wedding – and heard her say, “The best thing about this is that it’s based on a true story.” A light bulb went on.

“I came home to David and said, ‘We’ve got to throw it out. Let’s tell the real story.’”

The new version the couple started working on during an unorthodox Valentine’s date would eventually feature Hein sitting on a stool in his Glass Tiger shirt, singing songs about his mother’s coming out, how he introduced his two moms to Irene at a Hooters and the history of same-sex marriage in Canada, using a troupe of actors that included his wife to tell the stories.

The sweet and direct show became a hit at the Toronto Fringe Festival that summer, then was picked up by producer David Mirvish to play at the city’s 700-seat Panasonic Theatre he had just purchased – and Sankoff and Hein’s career as commercial musical-theatre creators was launched.

When the idea to write a show about what happened in and around Gander, Nfld., in 2001 was proposed to them shortly thereafter by Michael Rubinoff at Sheridan College, it could not have been a more ideal project for them.

They had seen how strangers from around the world bonded, with music, on Sept. 11, and seen how music played a role in bringing them together – and they had found the right aesthetic for such a story, having learned that a musical could be a true story set in our times, told with plenty of direct address, and that authenticity was as important to winning over an audience as craft in lyrics and lines.

Armed with a $12,000 grant from the Canada Council, they headed to Gander for Sept. 11, 2011, to interview locals and “come from aways” returning to commemorate the 10th anniversary.

Hein and Sankoff’s subsequent five-year journey – buzz-creating workshops on both sides of the border, a bidding war by commercial producers at a showcase in New York, record-breaking runs in San Diego, Seattle, Washington and Toronto – has been told in these pages before.

Now, the last chapter is about to be written as final adjustments are made in a preview period ahead of a March 12 opening.

As the statistics show, Come from Away may not make them rich. Canadians who have had what are referred to as “flops” in the harsh language of Broadway – such as Cliff Jones, whose Rockabye Hamlet closed in a week in 1976; and Neil Bartram and Brian Hill, whose The Story of My Life did the same in 2009 – have advised the couple to just enjoy the ride.

In any case, the two have a bigger goal beyond making money, Hein says, “Especially now, it feels important to talk about welcoming refugees off planes, strangers into our communities.”

Yes – he’s finally won the argument about whether theatre can change the world.

Sankoff came around after meeting senior citizens who changed their minds on same-sex marriage after seeing Wiccan Wedding, and receiving letters from Come from Away audience members about how it’s inspired them to be better people.

“I still have my moments where I’m like, ‘It’s a drop in the bucket,’” Sankoff says. “But at least it’s a drop.”

[purplesurveys]

830

Finally catching up with these! Lol yay.

All About the Letter H

Please List! (at least one)

Animals I Like: Horses and hippos :)

Foods I Like: Hamburgers, hummus, hashbrowns, and anything honey mustard-flavored, if that counts.

I Know Someone Who’s (jobs): Hair and makeup artist, host, historian.

I Wouldn’t Mind Visiting: Ho Chi Minh and Hiroshima.

Sometimes I Feel: Hurt and hungry seem to be common moods.

Music I Listen To: Hozier, Hayley Williams, HalfNoise, H2O, Harry Styles, HONNE, and uhhhhh I guess Hannah Montana and High School Musical songs when I was a kid lol.

Movies I’ve Seen: Heathers, How To Steal A Million, The Human Centipede (unfortunately), Her, Herbie, The Hurt Locker, The Hours, Hugo, The Hunger Games, The Hateful Eight, all High School Musical movies, and like 1/4 of the first three or four Harry Potter movies because I really wanted to try to get into it.

Names I Like: Harper, Helena, Harriett, and Holly mostly because of Breaking Bad.

And now, onto the random questions!

Have you ever witnessed a hurricane firsthand? We call them typhoons here, and yes, every year without fail. We’re a hotbed for natural calamities, so it’s a normal thing that we’ve accepted a long time ago. We normally get typhoons from June to August.

Have you ever played Hungry Hungry Hippos? Nope. I’ve heard of the phrase before but I didn’t know it was a game.

Do you enjoy the video game Halo? I do not enjoy video games of that genre at all.

How often are you a happy camper? As long as there is good food around :) I’m depressed a lot of the time but I’m still easy to please lmao.

How do you react when something is hard for you? Uhh it depends on the situation honestly. The bigger a problem is, the more likely I am to hide it and just fake it with everyone – like my grandfather passing away, or dropping my dad off at the airport because he has to work abroad again. If it’s smaller things like being stressed at school I tend to show that I’m stressed.

Who is your hero? I don’t really look for those.

How do you handle a hangnail? I just leave it alone until it falls off without me noticing. Totally not judging but I still wince every time I see or hear of people who peel off their hangnails :(

Have you ever been to Hooters? Nope. All I know about it is something about boobs, but nothing more than that.

Have you ever gone on a hunger strike before? No. The most I’ve done is starve myself during a particularly bad breakdown. 

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? I find comfort – but not necessarily believe – in the idea of reuniting with my dead loved ones when I pass away myself. That’s the furthest I’ll go. A common tactic among Filipino moms is to scare their kids into finishing their meals by saying that whoever ran ‘hell’ would make them finish all the food they had left over throughout their life once they arrive there. I dunno why it used to scare me... like free food in hell sounds awesome if you ask me now lol.

Is ham served at any of your holiday dinners? Yeah, but inconsistently. Some years it’s present and in other years it’s not. Not that it bothers me though because I don’t really like ham.

What’s your favorite holiday? Halloween, if it counts.

How many rooms are in your home? If we’re talking about bedrooms, four.

Have you ever had a pet hamster or a pet hermit crab? I’ve had neither.

How do you do? I’m doing just fine :) I’m itching to go out now, though. 

Have you ever collected holographic Poke’mon cards? I had stacks and stacks of cards but none of them were holographic.

Are any of your friends homosexual? Yes, though as far as I know that’s no longer the politically correct term. At least in journalism, we’re told to avoid that word in reportage.

Whose hand did you last hold? Kimi’s, though technically it was his leg heh.

Have you ever been accused or diagnosed yourself as being “hangry”? Yeah this is definitely a trademark of mine, but I personally barely use that term in particular.

Do you usually feel more hopeful or hopeless? How about helpful or helpless? For the most part I’ll stay on the optimistic side because being negative would just stress me out more.

Hamburgers or hotdogs? Hamburgers.

HelloGoodbye or Hit the Lights? I listen to neither.

“Holy moly!” or “Holy cannoli!”? Hmm I don’t use either much but I suppose I’d go with the first because it’s more fun to say, at least for me haha.

What do you hear right now? Background noise from Gab’s end - we’re on a video call.

Is it hotter than Hades where you live? Can you take the heat? Yeah for sure. We’re talking about a country that can reach 42-44C over the summer, people. I can take it only because I have no choice, but I would really prefer moving somewhere else that’s freezing.

When’s the last time you got a haircut? Early March.

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

[the-firebird69]

and i help my sons build New Vegas and he is shilo and is surrounded now we moved several inlast night...and have foundations being built if we have to we move. one casino by s only we surround him.  and moved several in, about ten.   and it is huge each casino dwarfs Vegas Casinos which are vast, ours are ten times the size several million square feet each, about 50 thousand rooms each...tons of space no we have it now..the raili s almost done and lots paved tons of equipment...tons. and we see it is about the future... huge Casinos  and we speak to Hooters they are wiating.....he sits adn thinks...this always goes pop in my face.   we use thier girls in ours. they can go on the outskirts.  no Hardrock they took him for a ride too, we use it now...no to Hooters nope....stole it from our boy and used it on him lots and he hurts still..nah....we f you up too. we have a few in they want to knoow which Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and it is fully operational and you wear protective gear and enter and sign an agreement noswimming touching even w your gloves and so on y ou may veiw it remotely in the store, and movecameras and all. it is amazing most see it in the store and run to the line.  huge pieces of candy that are edible for aprice you may buy a piece or the whole thing andedible decorative pieces are for sale in thelobbytons of them all different shapes....a favorite the white swan...all candy and fluffy marshmellow mainly, but the kind at easter,and he says it...tons love it...huge ones too that are about the sizeof a giantpolar bear in the shape of men women and more even ofy ou.  tons do it and bring it to tier parties they hvae off campus or in rented rooms or halls tons of halls huge ones. and he will be offered candy bars by bg. tons.  each scanned so they wont let him no want him to and be dissapointed. he doesnt want to go to iether so ou watch ok. Kid Hotel  we named it that.  and it is for you s and your kids your kids now ok.  a baby lamb or soemthing yes.  goat.  and it has the track.  they check first and entered thier cars to be in the ride only a few were selected as were collectors items.  wie hadone.  and th two with him.  we knew....and they loaded up all collectors cars.  old new and the first off the line. tons willride moslty adults at firs to the kid hotel. Auto Mile it is a big attractor he says anchor.  and it is massive.  it has tons of his dispensors and it is usually Pennywise Inc most  think it is these here.  and we hear himno wedont care it is not.  huge too and plenty of showrooms andhis ideas, a track to try them and all feed to it....it is massive, tons like it and hit has a main street you go to and from the  track on. and beep and play loud music.  nad more.....huge with ppl huge. they all go and buy tons of things. his cars too are intermingled and are like Tesla, no, same name only branded differently.  he calls them Thor but are not called that  go and see.  he is a genius with marketing with yours s.  genius.   we have our brands too that are intermingled lots buy them we know what to do with the money Apollo showed us. and it is good.  bg runs Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, and he is happy doing it.  has funny costume as he does in the movie and it is geat tey all love it...says try wait thought a few days too.  then vrooooommmmmm  you will wash away iwth customers....wash away..he laughs and booze there too, tons of candy flavored....and mine yes....for those who need health..he laughs....tons of cars all big four.  all fast car makers.  all specialty, alltrucks up to six tons.  and all other means basically, Harley all japanese and all usa ktm and the trke one and the smallco he liked.  asked they sent some....are a huge hit on the strip...he likes it asked to be in the Man Cave....so he did they like seeing him...and he is like this what am i to do it is buietifiul a bueitiful ride lol. ohno fun. and he runs the Hammer the popular Carnival strength test but right in the middle of th man cave you hear the ding and he chose, the prize, a free room.    the Hammer and bell means your the man...and its yourhammer and night etc.  so not many can. bill hit it right away....and preston...have the swing and arc.  tons laughed it is them.  they won.  saw went at it..... thror tried missed came back jacked an hour or two later andwon. got a roomloved the room too had a great time...beer galore the room is setup like a mancave allof them and you can pick Patriots and so on..not just pillows,chairs and tbles lamps andash trays and much much more you can buy thingsin the room too almostany of them.  amarkenting guru but wethougt of that.  he had itfor a while we did too lots of hft so no Movie Casino and of course bob wanted more and gt it, ceo of the movie casino...a real one and ours.  a drive in or three, huge. roller skated servers.....tons of movie theatres like man caves rentable,headlinemovies in the middle, and more...and we see allare in and weheari t cfo is Enzo fromhere.  and John C Rielly is the Ceo  Death Race Casino and Bar and Raw Bar lori runs the latter saki served there too. ahuge track. she is the CEo and it is massive.  tons of space and huge tracks.  massive and weloadedit allin.  tons of it is fromcali.  huge amounts. and down the street all the refinery stuff  and we see t is like howw ilwe and we know how. massive lines to this one folks it is an alltimefav....and weheard this like Arlen Ness they can buy sign certify and race.  tons like it andneeded the break lol..... we outfit them too.  racin gear customized....and a special request for veep, crazy chicken el polloloco heagreed has sharesnow....and knwe who andwas upset allnight...youi can bo buy a car like the transporter had and outfit it using our stuff, and go and race, get up on the board your name too, tons of stars signedonright away most go for hp first and other stuff later, smart if you canarmor as wieght ruins speed and we know it s true tons of drop plates and more...huge with fans.tons see stars buy one and drive it in traffic it is only outfited the day of the race. not before entreing the pit area...you watch it fromabove andtattoed guys there...and Kat von d has a shop there in New Vegas only two shops now are yours s.  one is  a casion it is Shilo��s  but named Saul’s..and is huge.  he is rich already.  tons go there are comfortable... Bar Cafe is huge too it has so many bars you could choke a thousand small ones pubs from allover Earth are replicated he says a bunch are real lots of real memorabilia from Three Cheers and Bullfinch...and more tons of boston bar memorabelia. a realone here and theretoo.  lost fromnh the strip. huge ones there arefrom all over all clean. decon notnecessary...wekeep it allnice. and ahuge beer factory,allcan see andor tour. it is huge samples at each batch.  and are safely handed out.  no trouble pls or arrested...it is easy no thsor that simple rules.  huge vats of beer. huge. tons arrive. and wine halls thatare massive and cigars and bill is ceo. a huge jobhe says i have to count it andmore tonsof things could g wrongor right.  it is hard. like a factory ihadin lewof this beer thing.  so i am disgruntled.  weill lastonly  afewmonths nah he says it willmove...if need be. wesee it hesays. dontlike it. but im the bar restoring guy who never gavehim  abreak got a job ok.  see how itis  Superhero Bar and Casino  tons of cosplay and all workers are in costume some are s some are not real ones and cosplay all have fun and like it.  occasionally Superman shows, looks real form the last movie series Zod too and co all look real helmets and all. ons love it..huge huge conventions now...huge.  allover Earth they show tons of star wars and Darth Maul allover he is athome now it isterrible again. lol.  huge crowds ovewhealm him andhe hisses at them like the real thing would.  they are shocked he moves so fast and they call thiers security always intercepts, he is agymnist and they move on bt mark him up somehow some stick things to him athey did caa.  huge lines there too to get  in get a room or play the outragesou games wonder women is there....and he got it off the Seminoles, who want him to open a branch there a whole branch....Superhero Branch, says ask Uriel on  a seperate occasion they shall...and will. and they laugh ti will sell Vegas but it is a taste of it and they see he gets it. massive cranes get it done and we plan need land andhe sees.  we work now. tons see it more friendly or appearst o be Jurrasic Park and Casino with real dinasours setup like he said vip pay and get a real view.  others the zoo and it has relics there meaning old lions and tigers and bears no Kaiju. it is very tame but holy crap real dinasours..real. and eat large animals that areskinned anddead.  full cows trex swallows one a day. huge ones too.  fullblownsteer. and he eats allday too. snacks. on chickens andmore.  tons seehim andboast i can kill that and more. and wesee....he likes tosee it live.  it is the dinasour....andhe is the LIzard King andhe has justin as Ceo well justin says he is andi s.  and he is Jim Morrison........and he thankshim but no ok lol. movies yes and a few theatres and tons of film like museums and tons of toys and artifacts for sale and viewing real fossils galore tons...and we see. more there now ok he is tired. Thor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=094MOX6ALMc

[daniellethamasa]

Hey all, Dani here.

So this past weekend Damian and I went to work with my friend Brad from Colorworld Books, and it was quite a busy time, but it was overall a wonderful experience. Brad’s wife, Rachel, writes the Colorworld book series, which I admit to being obsessed with–actually, I bet I’ll have another book review up by the end of the year, because she’s supposed to release book 6.3 sometime this year. It’s been a couple years since I was able to work with them, but I wanted to give Damian that experience, so we talked it over with them and the plans were made.

Let’s just start with the fact that our weekend technically started as soon as we finished work for the week, so Thursday at 4pm. We went home, dropped off our work stuff, packed up our last few necessary items, and loaded up our car, before heading out again. The drive was long and we were already a bit tired, but we made it to Cincinnati around 8pm, checked in at the hotel, and then went to the Duke Energy Center to meet Brad and pick up our exhibitor badges. Well, that turned into us parking the car and working until 10pm trying to get some of the booth set up since Brad was running a little bit late.

After that we went back to the hotel and slept.

Friday morning we had to be at the convention center by 8am, even though the show floor wasn’t set to open until 2pm. And yes, it did take us until about ten minutes before 2 to get the booth completely set up.

Yeah, it is a big and impressive booth, right? We sold quite a bit of merchandise and met a good amount of awesome and geeky people from 2pm until the show floor closed at 8pm. After that it was time for dinner–which was Lucy Blue Pizza (delicious, for the record)–and then we went back to our hotel and passed out.

Wow, I somehow almost forgot the best parts of Friday: celebrity meetings. So right before the show floor opened, Brad took us over to meet his friend Colleen Clinkenbeard (the voice of Erza in “Fairy Tail,” along with a whole lot of other voice acting credits). I had a super major fangirl moment, because Colleen has played a few characters who have meant so so much to me. I admit it, I cried when I met her. But she was an absolute sweetheart, so that was wonderful.

And then, in the middle of the day I happened to look up as Wil and Anne Wheaton walked by. I said hello to them and they both stopped and we were able to have a conversation with them. We asked how their dog Marlowe was, and talked to Wil a bit about D&D. Of course that made me bring up my celebrity signed Player’s Handbook, and Wil told me to bring it by his booth and he would sign it. I didn’t lose it and fangirl until after they walked away. And I did get my PHB signed, but that had to wait until Sunday–and sorry, I can’t show off the signature because it is signed to me using my legal name, not my blogging name.

Saturday was the longest day of the convention, though not the longest day for us. The show floor opened at 9:30am and closed at 7pm, and oh man, it was so wonderfully busy. We got to talk to so so many wonderful people. That’s really what going to cons is about, meeting people and geeking out together. It’s great. Oh, and after the convention I took Damian to live out a childhood dream–by taking him to Hooters for dinner. So that was fun. Saturday was also the day that we went and bought my new Switch Lite, which I am really loving so far. Anyway, back to con talk.

Sunday we made it to the convention a little bit early so we could walk around and buy some merch for ourselves. Mostly this ended up being artwork, so I’ll show just a few of those items here, but my favorite purchase had to be the ocarina that I’ve been wanting since I worked with Colorworld Books back in 2016. Back then we were an aisle over from the ocarina booth and I had to listen to that delightful music the whole weekend. I regretted not buying one then. So, upon discovering that they were there again, I absolutely had to get myself an ocarina. Oh, and all of the metal bookmarks and art prints are from Colorworld Books, because of course I need to support my friends in their awesome business by keeping myself in a supply of geeky artwork.

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Oh, and Sunday the show floor was open from 9:30am until 5:00 pm. Then came the real work: taking down everything that we had put up for display a couple days earlier. I honestly had thought that we would be lucky to actually finish by the midnight deadline, but somehow Damian, Brad, and I managed to get finished by about 9:30pm, which is outstanding. We had to box up all of the shirts, take down each display art print individually and wipe off any smudgy fingerprints before gently slipping them into protective plastic sleeves. It’s just a long and somewhat tedious task. But we did it.

Overall it was a few very long days, but we left feeling so wonderfully fulfilled in our hearts and souls. The part of the weekend that is making these days following so difficult is that once again I was offered a full-time place on Team Colorworld, and Damian was offered the same. They want to see their team get bigger, and it is a wonderful opportunity to do something that we actually love and are passionate about. My big concern is seeing what that means for insurance, paying bills, retirement, etc. Getting to travel around the country attending conventions and getting paid to do it, is frankly a dream job, and my heart immediately wants to jump into this opportunity, but I can’t neglect the fact that I have massive student loan debt, and Damian and I just bought a house, and all these other facts of responsibility. We have a lot to think about, and a lot of numbers to crunch. It may be that Damian and I could be making some big life changes soon. We’ll just have to see how do-able it is.

All right, well that is all for today, but I’ll be back soon with more bookish content.

Cincinnati Comic Expo 2019 Wrap-Up Hey all, Dani here. So this past weekend Damian and I went to work with my friend Brad from Colorworld Books, and it was quite a busy time, but it was overall a wonderful experience.

[winstonhcomedy]

“Dope A-F” - 4/19-4/22 - “I’m Probably Not Going To Do That”

Let’s get it popping you sweet ass laydees and baybees! I had a fun and interesting weekend, and then a fun show Monday night. So let’s get to it boo!

4/19

There was a huge storm coming for Richmond so I was able to get out of work early. I am beyond happy I did because I was in traffic forever on 95. It usually takes me at the most 2 hours to get to DC, and I didn’t get parked until about 3 1/2 hours. Just a lot of accidents and people not knowing how to drive. 

I finally get up there and get my usual parking spot. I then walked about 35 minutes until I get to the DC Comedy Loft at Bier Baron. I am going to be hosting for Eddie Pence in the cellar area. It is a dope basement room and always an interesting and fun show. It is much more intimate than the upstairs room, and honestly I prefer it. 

I get there and they’ve got a lot of stuff set up. Eddie is filming a crowdfunded comedy special. He has brought his feature with him and her name is Jennifer Sterger (Roast Battle, The Upside). When I get there Eddie is talking to the sound guy Grant about the rundown of the show. It sounded a little weird to me, and when Grant points me out as the host Eddie runs it down for me.

Eddie wanted me to go up and do 10. Then the feature do 10. Eddie does an hour and then I go back up and do another 10 while they drop checks. He asks me if this is ok, and in a rare moment of self worth I tell him it doesn’t make sense for me to be making half the money the feature is and having to do twice the time. He understood this completely and we changed it to where she would go up twice.  I felt weird about standing up for myself, but honestly at the end of the day I know I did the right thing. It was super dope after that because everybody was cool and understanding and I throughly enjoyed getting to know both of them. 

The first show starts and it’s al to of Eddie’s friends and family, but they were an older crowd and were super tight. I had a pretty good set, but I was working my ass off to break through. I messed up the wording on some of my jokes which was frustrating, but for the most part the audience couldn’t tell. I’d give this set a C+. It was a solid start to a hosting weekend. 

Jennifer went up and they were not fans of her. I felt bad, because they just did not dig her shit. Which sucks because it was totally the crowd. They just didn't vibe. After her was Eddie. He is a good comic, and had some strong material. The audience was so drunk, and just not great. He had a really good set, but his stuff was not killing the way that it should have.

After his set she and him both went back up and did a Q and A type of thing to pass the time. It was super awkward, but I was just glad I didn’t have to do it. Also they had no AC on because of the noise throwing off the recording. So it was like 90 degrees in there and everybody was sweating like crazy.

Because they didn’t sell enough tickets they cancelled the second show and scheduled a male strip show. So I grabbed my bag as soon as the show was over and walked over to Big Hunt. Even though I had a bunch of time to kill before the show I would rather hang out at Hunt than sit around and do nothing. I grabbed some Tiki Taco, and got over there. 

I went downstairs at Hunt and Charlie Ross was there. We hung and talked as more comics showed up. Eventually Maddy Brannon and Martin Amini came in to chill since they had been opening up the paid shows this weekend. Sean also came in and was explaining to a new comic the steps to get on open mics. 

Everybody is shooting the shit, and having a good time. They were saying the second show for them had a super tight crowd. I could tell just from the sound of the room that they were hesitant. We all talked about how that’s how comedy works sometimes. It was a good fun talk. Michael Summers eventually showed up and then Sean made the list. I found out I was going first and I was so excited, because there is nothing I like more than getting to head out early in DC.

The show starts and they seem a little tight. Sami Sfeir was hosting and it took his whole set for him to crack them. When I get called up I just really go in and try to sell all my jokes. I got some big pops and tried a new joke that worked pretty well there. I am super pleased with how it goes. I’d give this set a B. A solid and dope start. I head off stage, grab my stuff, say goodbye, and head back to my car to go to TJs where I pass out almost immediately.

4/20

I spent most of the next day sleeping. The only time I left TJs was to go grab a bite to eat with him at Hooters. After this we headed back and napped before I got my shit together and headed back to DC. I got to my parking spot and walked right over. I was excited because both shows were happening tonight.

I get there and the first show looks like it is going to be lightly attended at first. I kind of chill and relax and get in the mindset of another tough show. As we get closer and closer to showtime it really starts to fill out. It is pretty packed and they have a great energy. I also find out they are going to keep the AC on tonight, and also the format changed (now it will be me doing 10, then him doing an hour, then her doing 10).

The show starts and I have a really dope and hot hosting set. Everything is working, and I felt like I could have gone on way over my time. I close super strong and I’d give this set a B.  They are super warmed up and I bring Eddie up and he has a super hot set for an hour. I feel like he is going to get a lot of usable footage out of it. Then Jennifer goes up and they dig her a lot. She has a much better set than the night before which I was happy about. 

After the first show Jennifer and I talk about the other stuff she does and what she’s into. Her husband plays baseball, but she does a lot of stuff with wrestling which is pretty awesome. So we talk about that for a while.

The second show of the night is going to be shit. It is a light crowd. They’re all super drunk and I can tell they aren’t going to be a lot of fun. An older white dude wearing gym shorts, t shirt, and socks in flip flops comes over and asks me how many comics are on the show. He asks me if I’m funny, then asks if the headliner is funny, and then how long the show is going to be. It was a super strange interaction. 

This show is about half the size of the first one and the audience seems wack. I go up and I struggle. I warm them up, but I am definitely having to work my ass off on this one. The stuff from the first show works, and I close a little differently. I did my job, but was not happy with it at all. I’d give it a C-. Eddie then goes up and he also has to fight them forever. People won't quit texting or talking and after his set I find out he people being the worst are some of his friends from high school. Some people are just ass holes. Jennifer goes up and does ok, but honesty we were all just powering through this one. 

I get my check and talk to everybody. THey’re super nice as I say my goodbyes and I feel like I’ve definitely made some friends this weekend. I then head over to Big Hunt. I get there and the crowd is pretty awesome. I am up in a few people so I am just hanging in the hall. Nathan Luft is hosting this one. 

I end up having an interesting discussion about road comics, good rooms/bad rooms, and the importance of doing both with a few of the other comics. Talks like this are always fun even when I don’t agree with what is being said. 

While Im there I hear my buddy Ross screaming at people heckling from the stage. Then someone got the bouncer and made a huge scene throwing these guys out. I’m like 10 feet away sitting with Jack Coleman as these dudes are getting thrown out. It was low-key awesome to see even though it disrupted the show. 

After this I go up and have a fun set. I have a heckler but he’s not a big deal. I kill with my first bit and the second one I do only does ok which is fine. I was still super happy with how I handled the heckler and just did my own shit. I’d give my set a B/B+. I then walked to my car and started to drive home. I get back at around 4 am and pass out so I can go to church with the family the next day. 

4/22

I am in a great mood at work all day. I had had a super great Easter with my family. We all got together, ate a bunch of food, and enjoyed a super fun day. So I had all this positive energy follow me through the day which was super nice. I was stoked to get to do The Southern. 

I talk to Paige on the phone up there and I riff a new idea, and he tells me to try it. I am super nervous, but I love having new jokes and I love this room. I finally get to the show at about 7. I come in super happy and start shooting the shit with Paige, Danny (the gm), and JR. 

People start walking in and I just have a fun energy. I’m busting balls, and riffing until the cows come home. Chris shows up and he seems a little upset. This blows over pretty quickly and we are all having fun. He gets the list ready and has a comics meeting outside. We are piggy backing the show (each comic brings up the next comic) and I am up third. In-between Chris Cantrell, and Keaton Ray.

Chris gets the show started pretty close to on time. There isn’t a ton of people here, but we are determined to have fun. As Chris starts his set a few more people start to file in. Honestly it is awesome to see. We get a pretty good crowd for the open mic all things considered. The best thing is usually when people come to this mic they stay for like 90% of it. 

The first few comics do ok, but can’t really break through. I go up and I start a little weak up top, but eventually break through. I get some big laughs, and my NEW BIT WORKED. I only did it as a quick line, but I realize there is a lot of meat on those bones. I’m going to work the hell out of that joke until it is a signature bit. I’d give my set a B-, but honestly I get off stage and feel like a million bucks. 

As the show goes on I get to hang and see a bunch of people I hadn’t seen in a while like Anne Meng, John Marg, Sam Padgett, Charles Bill, Keaton, and some others. Anne takes a super funny Boomerang of me with my legs in the air pretending to finger myself that made me laugh out loud. As each comic goes up there is a lot of good sets this night. The audience is small but mighty. All in all a great night. I leave early so I can get some rest. I talk to Paige on the way home, and I stop at Sheets to get some fried cheese. A super fun time, and I’m really glad I got to do it. 

THIS WAS A HOOT TO DO LAYDEES! I’ve got some big shows this week. Tots on Wednesday in Blacksburg at 9:30 and Thursday is the last Host Battle open mic at Pro Re Nata at 8 in Crozet. So come one and come all. I love you all very much. Thanks for the support and see y’all next time. XOXOXO 

[swfhentaigames86]

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[newstfionline]

Acapulco Is Now Mexico’s Murder Capital

By Joshua Partlow, Washington Post, Aug. 24, 2017

ACAPULCO, Mexico--From the crescent bay and swaying palms, the taxi drivers of Acapulco need just 10 minutes to reach this other, plundered world.

Here, in a neighborhood called Renacimiento, a pharmacy is smeared with gang graffiti. Market stalls are charred by fire. Taco stands and dentists’ offices, hair salons and auto-body workshops--all stand empty behind roll-down metal gates.

On Friday afternoons, however, the parking lot at the Oxxo convenience store in this brutalized barrio buzzes to life. Dozens of taxi drivers pull up. It’s time to pay the boys.

When the three young gunmen drive up in a white Nissan Tsuru, Armando, a 55-year-old cabbie, scribbles his four-digit taxi number on a scrap of paper, folds it around a 100-peso note and slips it into their black plastic bag. This is his weekly payment to Acapulco’s criminal underworld--about $5, or roughly half what he earns in a day.

“They have the power,” said Armando, who identified himself only by his first name because he feared reprisal. “They can do whatever they want.”

For each of the past five years, Acapulco has been the deadliest city in Mexico, in a marathon of murder that has hollowed out the hillside neighborhoods and sprawling colonias that tourists rarely visit. And yet, the term “drug war” only barely describes what is going on here.

The dominant drug cartel in Acapulco and the state of Guerrero broke up a decade ago. The criminals now in charge resemble neighborhood gangs--with names like 221 or Los Locos. An estimated 20 or more of these groups operate in Acapulco, intermixed with representatives from larger drug cartels who contract them for jobs. The gang members are young men who often become specialists--extortionists, kidnappers, car thieves, assassins--and prey on a largely defenseless population.

“They kill barbers, tailors, mechanics, tinsmiths, taxi drivers,” said Joaquin Badillo, who runs a private security company in the city. “This has turned into a monster with 100 heads.”

Mexico is halfway through what may become the bloodiest year in its recent history, with more than 12,000 murders in the first six months of 2017. June was the deadliest month in the past two decades of consistent Mexican government statistics.

There are many theories on why violence, which dropped for two years after the 2012 election of President Enrique Peña Nieto, has roared back: competition for the domain of captured kingpins; the breakdown of secret agreements between criminals and politicians; a judicial reform requiring more evidence to lock up suspected lawbreakers; the growing American demand for heroin, meth and synthetic opiates. Whatever the primary cause, the result has been terrifying--a disintegration of order across growing swaths of this country.

In Acapulco, the faded playground of Hollywood stars, where the Kennedys honeymooned and John Wayne basked in the clifftop breeze, drugs are no longer even the main story. This is a place awash in crime of all stripes, where criminals no longer have to hide.

When Evaristo opened his restaurant along Acapulco’s seaside strip 15 years ago, drugs were plentiful, and that was just fine with him. Acapulco has always been a party town, and became a transit point for U.S.-bound Colombian cocaine and the opium poppy that bloomed along with marijuana in the state’s highlands. The dominant traffickers were the Beltran Leyva brothers of the Sinaloa Cartel.

“What the Beltran Leyvas were doing was selling drugs,” said Evaristo, who identified himself only by his first name, for fear of reprisal. “But they left us alone.”

For Evaristo, and many other Acapulco residents, the city’s descent into lawlessness began with the events at La Garita. A brazen January 2006 shootout in that central neighborhood left flaming vehicles and bodies in the street and became part of the city’s lore, as much as the iconic cliff divers and the Hollywood stars who once passed through town.

That gun battle also made one thing clear: National-level cartels were active in Acapulco--in this case the Sinaloa cartel, allied with the Beltran Leyvas, and the expansionist Zetas. And they were willing to use tremendous violence against each other.

“That’s when all this began,” Evaristo recalled.

Over the next decade, as then-President Felipe Calderón declared war on organized crime, Mexican security forces and their U.S. allies picked off cartel bosses and kingpins, splintering their organizations.

In Acapulco, the result has become a kaleidoscope of feuding criminals. After the killing of a powerful Beltran Leyva brother in 2009, rival factions emerged, with names like the Independent Cartel of Acapulco, the South Pacific Cartel and La Barredora. Contenders joined the fray from ascendant heroin-trafficking groups and crime organizations from other cities.

With the loss of all-powerful cartel bosses who had tightly controlled their criminal empires, drug gangs moved increasingly into other crimes, such as kidnapping and extortion.

Some 2,000 businesses have closed in the past few years, according to trade associations, driven away by crime and a withering economy. The bulk of the devastation has come in the poorer, inland neighborhoods, but the tourist strip has not been spared. Gone are Hooters and the Hard Rock Cafe, along with famed local spots such as El Alebrije nightclub and Plaza Las Peroglas, a shopping mall. An accountant whose clients included restaurant owners, doctors, and mechanics said that about 70 percent of them had closed their businesses in the past year due to extortion.

“Today, in Acapulco, this problem has given us mass psychosis,” said Alejandro Martinez Sidney, president of the Federation of Chambers of Commerce, Services and Tourism in Guerrero, which represents more than 8,000 businesses. “We are frozen, waiting for someone to come and demand our money.”

Last September, five gunmen walked into Evaristo’s restaurant, asking for the phone number of the owner. After he said he wouldn’t pay extortion, the men returned and put their guns to the heads of the staff, saying they would burn down the restaurant with everyone inside it, the restaurant owner recalled.

Since then, Evaristo has paid 40,000 pesos per month (about $2,200).

He has cut back on advertising and maintenance to cover the payments. Two of his private security guards were riddled with bullets from a passing car one night in May and survived the attack. If this keeps up, he will close down.

“My life is at risk,” Evaristo said.

Mexico’s crime gangs have not just proliferated, they behave differently than in past decades. Cartels were once based on family ties and known for maintaining strict hierarchies that rewarded members’ loyalty with promotion through the ranks.

The newer generations of criminal gangs operate more like a “wheel network,” a web of contacts who ally at times but also work independently, said Cecilia Farfán, a scholar at the Instituto Tecnologico Autonomy de Mexico, or ITAM, who specializes in organized crime and is doing research in Acapulco.

If these quasi-independent cells get disrupted, the larger network can still function, and “the intelligence that a cell can provide to law enforcement or rival organizations is limited,” Farfán wrote in her recently completed dissertation.

Criminals have begun to show less allegiance to a single organization--acting more like freelance subcontractors.

“They hire you for your expertise; they’re not going to develop you as a human resource,” Farfán said about how street-level criminals are used. “They’re not investing in you, and you’re not invested in them, either.”

The victims of Acapulco’s violence come in many forms: those caught in feuds between criminal bands; businessmen who don’t pay extortion; those who cross the invisible boundaries between drug gang territory. The situation has become so confused--with criminals staking out overlapping domains--that residents often complain about being forced to pay off two or three different groups. People die from mistaken identity or as bystanders.

On one recent night, an overflow crowd waited silently on sidewalk benches outside an Acapulco funeral parlor. Gerardo Flores Camarena, 57, a hotel bartender, couldn’t stay seated. He paced back and forth in anguish as he spoke into his cellphone.

“The killers thought they were from another group,” he told a relative. “They got confused. Can you imagine: confused.”

The day before, his brother, Ricardo, 42, an ambulance driver, and Gerardo’s two teenage grandsons had been found in the trunk of their Nissan Sentra. They had suffered a type of torture known as the “tourniquet”: wires cinched around their necks to the point of suffocation.

A note left with the bodies said this is what happens to car thieves. But the Nissan had belonged to the family.

“We feel powerless against what is happening in this city,” Flores said.

When Mayor Evodio Velázquez Aguirre took office in October 2015, he said, the municipal police force was “totally out of control.”

Half the 1,500 officers had failed federal vetting and background checks. The police had spent much of 2014 on strike to protest salaries and benefits, leaving state and federal forces in charge.

The mayor said that his administration has provided the police with life insurance, housing, new cameras and vehicles. There is also a new, separate tourist police force with jaunty uniforms to attend to travelers.

“Acapulco is on its feet,” the mayor said in an interview.

But last year, there were 918 killings in the city of 700,000, the most murders of any Mexican city for the fifth straight year. During the first half of this year, the government numbers track slightly lower--412 compared with 466 in the same period in 2016--although the local El Sur newspaper lists 466 murders for the most recent period.

Admiral Juan Guillermo Fierro Rocha, the commander in Acapulco for the Mexican navy, which has a critical role fighting cartels, told El Sur this month that criminals are lashing out because they are “cornered,” and that he expects a decrease soon.

But Mexican authorities have failed for years to halt Acapulco’s slide.

Some 5,000 security forces are in Acapulco, and the coastal sliver of hotels and restaurants brims with federal and state police, soldiers, marines and municipal forces. This attention to the tourist strip, however, leaves the vast majority of the city exposed, residents say.

Mexican police have been hobbled by corruption for decades, and Acapulco has been no exception. Alfredo Álvarez Valenzuela, who oversaw the Acapulco police for five months until May 2014, told the Mexican newspaper Reforma last year: “The municipal police don’t work for organized crime; the municipal police are organized crime.”

But the problem goes beyond corruption. Mexican municipal police traditionally have had little training, low pay, poor equipment and little capacity to do investigations. Federal police and the army often lack street-level knowledge of cities and their crime gangs.

Juan Salgado, an expert on police reform at CIDE, a Mexican research center, said that police are reluctant to visit some neighborhoods in Acapulco because they are outgunned and frightened.

“I’m not sure if crime would increase if the whole municipal police department in Acapulco disappeared,” Salgado said. “They are so inefficient in stopping crime I don’t think it would make a huge difference.”

Meanwhile, many people refuse to press charges out of concern the information will leak back to their tormentors. That makes investigating crimes all the more difficult.

On a recent afternoon, a man wearing a cowboy hat and carrying an assault rifle stood in plain sight on the main boulevard in the Emiliano Zapata neighborhood, five miles from Acapulco Bay.

At his feet on the pavement lay another young man, barefoot and curled in the fetal position, his hair matted with blood. The man with the assault rifle kicked him repeatedly and savagely, then walked calmly back to his white pickup truck. A federal police truck rolled past, but it didn’t stop.

Taxi drivers operate at the intersection of Acapulco’s troubles: They have a shrinking number of tourists as clients, and navigate more dangerous streets. Some have become part of the crime world themselves, working as gang spotters (voluntarily or under duress), or moving drugs or weapons in their cars. When a rival gang tries to take over a neighborhood, its members often kill taxi drivers “in an effort to blind the established organization,” Chris Kyle, an anthropologist and expert on Guerrero based at the University of Alabama, wrote in an affidavit for an Acapulco taxi driver applying for asylum in the United States.

More than 130 taxi drivers were slain in Acapulco last year, making them about eight times more likely to get murdered than the average city resident.

Teens with guns often commandeer taxis in Renacimiento for hours or days. They burn taxis to enforce their warnings. Guillermo Perez, 40, a taxi driver, putters around the neighborhood in a 1995 Volkswagen Beetle, its windshield cracked and upholstery ripped out, leaving his newer car hidden at home. He no longer picks up strangers, driving only clients he knows.

“People are terrified,” he said.

Years ago, ferrying around tourists used to be enjoyable, he said, even lucrative work­--$100 for a day shift, more at night.

“It was so different: It was Acapulco,” he said. “People were out in the streets. We all lived from tourism.”

The wealthy can leave or build homes with elaborate security systems, but the poor are exposed. And so Perez, like many of the 20,000 taxi drivers in Acapulco, pays his weekly fee for protection, even though he receives none.

“If 100 pesos a week is what it costs to stay alive,” he said, “I’ll pay.”

[girlwholikessports]

Why I Will Never be a Patriots WAG

In the weeks leading up to my team playing in its record setting 9th Superbowl appearance, 7th with Brady/Belichick, and giving the greatest quarterback of all time a chance to win his 5th ring, there surprisingly aren’t a lot of compelling story lines for us to debate. But this one is extremely important. 

So, from a girls perspective, who is the hottest Patriots wife/girlfriend? I have never felt so ugly in my life than I have when thinking of the collection of WAGS (wives and girlfriends) stacked on this Patriots roster. And that’s saying a lot from someone who grew up in the 90s where my biggest fashion choice was how to match the elastics on my braces with my hair wrap and butterfly clips. 

Obviously Gisele is the most well known Patriot wife, and while some potentially blind people “don’t think she’s that pretty”, she makes more money than her husband from her looks alone. But let me blow your minds with the hot take that she is not even close to the hottest Patriot wife/girlfriend. 

Just like they are on the field, the Patriots players may be winning too much off the field. Keyshawn Johnson might think the Patriots receivers wouldn’t make any other teams 53 man roster, but the WAGS of those receivers are an all star crew themselves. 

It’s no secret I have long wished to become a WAG, and obviously a Patriots WAG is ideal for me since I’d get to quit my job, go to all the games and possibly meet Bill Belichick. I used to think Wes Welker was setting my sights low and I named my cat after him, but even he married Ms. Hooters International, a straight dimepiece and they now have 2 of the most adorable kids of all time. 

This could be us but you’re not an NFL player and I’m not Ms Hooters International. 

After seeing this lineup, I’m definitely looking at another 40 years in the workplace making $.73 for every dollar. So let’s take a look. 

Starting from the bottom with a few Patriots players that are typically on the inactive list or are on the practice squad. Yes, these guys may not be getting a lot of playing time on the field, but they are pretty damn easy on the eyes are hopefully getting a lot of playing time off the field with some of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Ugh.

Tyler Gaffney’s wife Kristen Louelle:

Another practice squad-er who I’m fairly positive most Patriots fans have never heard of, DJ Foster and his smokeshow girlfriend Ciera Liguori.

Jacoby Brissett may be a third string QB on the only team in history to have 3 different quarterbacks throw for 400 yards, but his girlfriend (who has my favorite girl name and future daughter’s name) Sloan Young is a first string girlfriend. They met in college and apparently Jacoby doesn’t drink or smoke so not for everyone but I guess just hot girls named Sloan and the best franchise in professional sports. Not too bad.

Even fucking Kyle Van Noy who replaced Jamie Collins on the field has a smoke of a girlfriend. All winning all the time here in New England. It’s like the Midas Touch for getting girls.

In a move no one expected, Rob Gronkowski does have one special lady that helps clean his bedpan after surgery and presumably cleans up the smashed Bud Light cans that litter Casa de Gronk, where I’m also assuming he lives with his 12 brothers, dad, and babysitter Goon. It takes a special breed to infiltrate the Gronk family, and I guess you also have to be physically beautiful (aka dumb blonde). Camille Kostek is always running the Barstool snap on game day in the suite with the other hot gfs mentioned above, and it seems like they have formed their own clique. I imagine as a Patriots WAG in this suite I would be forced to watch the game from the TV in the suite, afraid to stand next to people this beautiful. Previously a Pats cheerleader who had to quit to date Gronk too.

Moving on to the cutest family of the 2016-2017 Patriots, Martellus Bennett’s wife Siggi and the most adorable child since Riley Curry.  

Straight style, class and drop dead gorgeous. And I’ll just go fuck myself that she’s had a baby and looks like that.

Now we’re moving into the upper echelon of attractiveness, the highest on the Patriots WAGS totem pole. 2 of the top 3 are Victoria’s Secret Angels and the other is former Miss Universe and the most beautiful human being on the planet soooo...

Julian Edelman has been slinging it since he entered the league (no pun intended but kinda) but won one Superbowl and started to climb the model ladder. He went from banging 19 year olds from Storyville to fucking 2 models, Ella Rose and Adriana Lima at the same time. He has never tried harder to be Tom Brady than when he got Ella Rose pregnant and then left her high and dry for Adriana Lima. Apparently not even that serious yet Adriana is low key coming to the AFC Championship game calling Edelman her lover. Touche, Julian, touché.

Imagine Adriana Lima calling you "my lover." Ah merda! pic.twitter.com/4JVSKonlOt

I’m not going to waste any time on Gisele because like I told you before, she’s not close to the top spot on this list.

These 2 in the suite together? More intimidated by their accents than attractiveness TBH, I’m terrible with accents.

Lastly, and CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, the scientifically proven most beautiful human on the planet. She’s from Cranston, RI, went to Boston University and NO I know what you’re all thinking, it’s not me. I’m pretty sure next to her I would look like a pumpkin after it’s been left outside for a few weeks after Halloween. Since I was about 15 Olivia Culpo had been widely known as the most beautiful person in Rhode Island, but over 10 years later after being crowned Miss UNIVERSE, dating the hot Jonas brother and now blessing Danny Amendola, Olivia is far and away the hottest person and Patriots WAG. Most perfect eyebrows on earth, no plastic surgery and wait for it, she actually eats food like a normal person. I truthfully am more jealous of Danny Amendola than Olivia Culpo in this relationship. No homo but kinda homo have you seen her? Girl all the guys want and all the girls want to be. On a scale of 1-10 she’s a 20. Find me one girl in Atlanta this gorgeous.

Most attractive couple of the century. Sorry Tom and Gisele, this is New England’s power couple.