#and 'there's also a reason our badguys usually have superpowers'

[azuresquirrel]

Snow day Flash marathon continues!

Episode Four - WHAT IS THIS, A CROSSOVER EPISODE? Unfortunately, Yes.

“TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD I’M AN ORDINARY SCHOOLGIRL FORENSIC SCIENTIST BUT SECRETLY I’M SAILOR MOON I USE MY SPEED TO FIGHT CRIME AND FIND OTHERS LIKE ME.”

Also DEAD MOM.

Ah and here’s the “last time on The Flash” that’s actually “last time on Green Arrow.” Oh, it’s real cute that you think people would not only watch but also remember Green Arrow.

Pfffffft Barry’s like BEFORE I WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING I WAS A LONELY NERD BUT A NEAR-DEATH AND COMA GAVE ME FRIENDS!!!!!! Oh my god, he IS an anime character.

And Barry is fucking playing ping pong with Cisco and like this is literally my own fanfic. Also at the same time he’s playing Operation with Caitlin and chess (THE INTERNATIONAL SYMBOLIC GAME OF GAYNESS) with Harrison because HE FAST. And of course Barry says it’s for fun when Caitlin (who is COLD LIKE SNOW and DEAD FIANCE) asks why they’re doing this. Harrison of course says it’s also an experiment to see how much Barry’s powers can do. So that means as per usual, Harrison totally has a boner right now.

Cisco did not contribute any lines because HE’S PLAYING PING PONG WITH BARRY he probably had this fantasy like at least five times before this.

Cut from happy fun fanfic time to motorcycles going after an armored car for whatever Badguy of the Week nonsense is about to happen. To the surprise of no one, the armored car is broken into.

“Checkmate. Guess you still have a few things left to learn, Mr. Allen.” Yeah, Harrison just came.

Also we can now add BAD AT OPERATION to Caitlin’s non-dead-fiance characteristics.

Barry GOTTA GO FASTs it to the robbery and the robbers get away while Barry gets the injured drivers to the hospital because Barry is a good egg.

Apparently this was an attempted DIAMOND HEIST which Barry still shows up late to the investigation despite being the fastest man alive because ANIME PROTAGONIST. Captain Poor Man’s Santino Fontana continues to be deeply unimpressed with Barry.

Joe calling Barry out for referring himself in the third person – GOOD.

Iris is officially starting her LOIS LANE BLOG reporting/stanning The Red Streak (because he’s not actually The Flash yet though this seems to be the episode that Barry makes that stick).

And this person in Barry’s lab is Felicity Smoke. So Green Arrow woman. Hooray. I care so much.

The Badguys of the Week think they were attacked by a drone – TOPICAL! And the Badguy of the Week’s superpower seems to be MATH. EXCITEMENT.

BARRY’S SHOES CATCH ON FIRE SOMETIMES.

Oh great is this whole episode going to be Green Arrow Woman watching Barry do shit while also wanting Barry’s D? SNORE.

And they show up to STAR labs and Cisco immediately says “RUDE” I love him.

And now Cisco is geeking out over “the Arrow” while chomping on twizzlers, MORE CISCO ALWAYS.

Harrison comes in to be AMAZINGLY CREEPY by having stalked Felicity’s entire life because “keeping an eye out for promising talent in scientific fields” is how he kidnapped Cisco and Cailtin and IS A HUGE CREEP. (seriously do Cisco and Cailtin have lives outside the lab?)

“Everything we do here in STAR labs is to protect Barry Allen” HE SAID LIKE A CREEP AND A LIAR.

Oh great another scene with White Bread because I’ve already had SO MUCH to say about this episode. The point of this scene is that White Bread is a dumbass and continues to be a dumbass. (okay I did laugh quite a bit at the radio gag)

Iris is SUPER EXCITED FOR TRIVIA NIGHT I love her and also I CAN DATE YOU, IRIS. And Barry DO NOT knock $75 worth of cappuccinos, that is better than literally any other trivia night prize I have personally witnessed.

Oh god, this whole Green Arrow woman subplot is “OMG ARE YOU DAAAATING” be still my fucking beating heart.

I am officially more invested in the outcome of this trivia night than I am in 1. Green Arrow woman and 2. Whatever the fuck the Badguy of the week is doing. Also this trivia night has a VERY high budget.

BARRY IS EXTREMELY PROUD OF “E=MCHAMMER.”

Green Arrow woman shows up in a “DO ME NOW” dress. Sigh.

And Harrison just ~totally only now~ discovers that the weapon that Badguy of the Week now has is missing.

DON’T YELL AT CISCO!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!

NO!!!! MY SON!!!!!!!!

Apparently Cisco made this weapon (which makes Harrison MAD AND ANGRY because he “doesn’t like weapons” YEAH SURE MR. STABBY MCSTAB) and HE LOOKS LIKE A KICKED PUPPY. I’M NOT HAPPY.

I would much rather talk about the team named PRIDE AND PADAWANS and dresses accordingly.

Oh yeah that Badguy of the Week took the diamond or whatever and we now learn that Cisco made an Elsa Gun.

(GET IT??? TO *SLOW* BARRY DOWN??? GET IT????)

I’ll give them this – the special effects look pretty decent.

And Barry ends up not quite fast enough to save this one guy that gets frozen-shot. Awwww noooo, now Barry will be a sad kitten.

BARRY FINDS OUT THAT CISCO MADE THE GUN AND IS VERY MUCH A SAD KITTEN.

CISCO MADE THE GUN TO THEORETICALLY STOP BARRY IF HE TURNED OUT TO BE AN ASSHOLE. HO SHIT, ACTUAL DRAMA IS HAPPENING NOW!

BARRY THOUGHT THEY WERE FRIENDS! IF BARRY HAD KNOWN ABOUT THE GUN HE COULD’VE SAVED THAT DUDE! CISCO NOW HAS THIS MAN’S BLOOD ON HIS HANDS!

HI EVERYONE IS NOW A SAD KITTEN.

Summary of shit I don’t care about  - Papa Joe and Iris have dad talk about dating his partner –more boring Badguy of the Week stuff

Barry is now trying to GO FASTER because EMO and extends his YOU DON’T TRUST ME to Green Arrow woman who is here to give him a pep talk about how getting a team together is rough at first and BEING A SUPERHERO IS LONELY SO DON’T MAKE YOURSELF LONELIER ALSO MY VAGINA IS RIGHT HERE

Oh I guess Captain Cold didn’t take the diamond before which just goes to show how much I’ve been paying attention to this plot.

“I DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING RIGHT NOW” Emo Barry says as he turns off his headset. Oh my god Barry, just listen to some Linkin Park and get over yourself before going after the guy with the bad gun that can hurt you.

We do however get a pretty great scene of Barry saving an entire train worth of people before said train crashes.

OH NOW. THE BADGUY CAUGHT BARRY. I WONDER IF TEAM SCIENCE WILL COME AND SAVE HIM???

Cisco holding a fuckass big gun = GOOD!!!

Cisco threatening to maybe kill a guy = I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, SON!!!! Clearly I’m a great mom.

“This is actually the STAR labs vacuum cleaner with a lot of LEDs.” I LOVE HIM!!!!!!

And Badguy gets away with the gun but THE TEAMS TRUSTS AGAIN! HOORAY!

And Green Arrow Woman goes back to her crappy show.

DON’T TOUCH MY SON, HARRISON!!!! YOU’RE ON REAL THIN ICE!!!!!!

(Harrison being creepy towards Barry = that’s our Harrison! Harrison being creepy towards Cisco = DON’T)

And Iris says “no more secrets” to her father which her father WILL NOT HONOR because of Barry’s superpowers and HEY I’M NOT THRILLED ABOUT THIS CONTINUALLY.

Ugh, Barry comes to visit Green Arrow woman on the train because I guess this still isn’t over. She makes the AMAZING DEDUCTION that Barry is in love with Iris, truly the Sherlock of our age.

THEN THEY KISS FOR PRETTY MUCH NO REASON. GOD.

And I thought we’d get our weekly Crazy Ex Boyfriend check in but WE DON’T EVEN GET THAT, instead we got this boring-ass Badguy of the Week recruiting a clear future Badguy of the Week. NO. I LIKE CREEPY HARRISON WHEN HE’S BEING FUN CREEPY NOT CREEPY TO CISCO CREEPY.

What a weird fucking episode. The entire part that was about the gun that Cisco made was the best part of the show so far but it was sandwiched in the worst/most boring episode of the show so far with a Badguy of the Week who DIDN’T EVEN HAVE ANY SUPERPOWERS and a crossover with a crappy show. God.

There’s a reason we left crossover episodes behind in the 90s, folks.

[thusspakesophie]

The Resistance + failing story integrity in the face of the Star Wars mythos in popular imagination

Now people often discuss the question of how big or small the Star Wars universe feels. I think this movie went way, way too far in the direction of shrinking it. People hate the prequels, but it was a nice point of continuity through them and Rogue One to the Original Trilogy that we see the political landscape that means that the Rebel Alliance can actually exist, and have the resources it has (and needs, to wage war on the scale it does. That shit ain’t cheap; even TLJ hammers that home pretty emphatically). The Senate was huge; there’s a network of political resistance and like hundreds of planets etc that are engaged in fighting the Empire: ‘the more you tighten your grip, the more systems will slip through your fingers’. And then following the fall of the Empire, the number of new planets that must’ve been able to join the Republic, even if they weren’t in the Rebellion, must’ve been even bigger.

In TFA you get the impression the galaxy is 50:50 Republic: First Order. Yes, the capital and some core planets of the new Republic were blown up, but... seriously? 5 planets, and then the Resistance is just 400 people, which gets whittled down to like 10 by the end? And their political affiliations and support networks are so weak that out of an entire supposedly vast galaxy, there’s not one ally that comes through for them? (Well, they’re so incompetent that they kind of deserve being given up on, tbh) What happened to like half the planets in the galaxy?

Let’s not forget (though TLJ does) that the Resistance just blew up Starkiller base - the thing that destroyed the capital. That is a HUGE feather in their cap. People should be flocking to their banner and regrouping, battered but determined to keep fighting their likewise battered, if still more powerful, enemy. The Rebellion kept going through *far* darker times before (as depicted at its birth in RotS, and in Rogue One in the moment they not only are the underdog in a galaxy controlled by the Empire but find out that the Empire can now destroy planets); but in TLJ, despite the universe setting consistency that says they should be in actually fairly decent condition, all of a sudden they give up, just so TLJ can overuse the phrase ‘spark of hope’ and make itself seem important? It makes NO SENSE. I can only assume it’s because this movie wanted to deify Luke, the director’s childhood hero. But again, last time the *entire Jedi Order and the Republic itself* - institutions that had existed for thousands of years - were destroyed, and there were still lots of people who kept going, working in the shadows to build a rebel force over 20 years, so I just can’t believe that the loss of the capital of a much newer and smaller-scale Republic and Jedi Order would be so decisive, especially since the Resistance has already destroyed the thing that caused the dire setback. The Resistance should be in far better condition even than the Rebel Alliance was in the beginning of TESB, and in TESB Hoth was only *one* of their new bases.

In Star Wars the pivot of the galaxy’s fate usually does come down to a small group of heroes, but it’s still able to feel like it makes sense because it’s actually very careful to keep the feeling that there’s a wider political/military etc context. (without that you can’t have big space battles! whee!) If you look at history, the difference between genius tactician righteous rebels fighting a huge empire who win (eg the Viet Cong) and genius tactician righteous rebels fighting a huge empire who lose (eg Maori resistance to British colonial forces during the New Zealand Land Wars), is ... resources. Ho Chi Mihn had a brilliant general, but his own job as leader actually consisted in pretty large part of sweet talking + manipulating China and the Soviet Union into supplying them with the stuff they needed to keep fighting. The Americans had French help during their War of Independence. The British gave up India because their resources had just been traaashed by WWII. But the Maori, despite being just as brilliant and determined, only had themselves, and the muskets they could buy selling like, flax and farm produce. 4000 Maori fighters, against 18,000 British troops with all the best weaponry and supplies that the world’s mightiest superpower could (however reluctantly) furnish. The British suffered some humiliating losses, but eventually basically just marched in a big line to cover the territory that was the only resource the Maori had.

But in TLJ the Resistance ends up less than a dozen people, flying in a ‘piece of junk’ ship. Everyone else in the galaxy is filled with despair for... reasons. (Rian Johnson going ‘I want my movie to feel Desperate and Important! Forget what went before!’) Leia’s personal distress signal means fuck all to people. Luke shows up and gives the audience all sorts of feels, but ... did the Resistance get that on video or something? They’re going to turn up in their ‘garbage’ ship pretending their survival was an epic victory even though 97.5% of them died, referencing a miracle they *swear* happened, which was totally epic we promise but uhm actually Luke Skywalker wasn’t even there - no no that’s why it was cool! - and also he’s dead now... but we have a 20 year old girl who can lift rocks and stole some old books! We promise she’s done other cool things too! And like hundreds of people died to teach our new commander one lesson (it was totally worth it because he’s a Hero), but he’s got it now so you should totally follow him! What’s that? Those people wouldn’t have died if only Resistance leadership were capable of understanding their followers and communicating with them effectively? Oh we didn’t think of that... ignore that... or rather, failure is a *good* thing because we learn from it; just don’t ask us what we learned... ahh... how about, ‘save the things you love, don’t fight what you hate!’ - that makes sense right? I mean, it’s not like you ever have to fight against loathsome badguys to save what you love! That would be like, a war! Maybe even a war in space. Or like, a war in the stars. Star Wars.

But the Resistance has a nice logo. They put it on merch and give it to children, who play with toys and tell stories about Luke Skywalker. They think it’s *really cool*. Why, they’re just like us! Oh this makes us so emotional! We’re in Star Wars! We grew up with this so we know it’s Good and Righteous and that like 10 people (or preferably 3-4, as long as they have some OP droid helpers to do everything for them) can totally save the galaxy singlehandedly! Now everyone chant, we DO believe in Jedi, we DO, we DO! The Resistance will ride to victory with legions of child soldiers and the power of the audience believing in them!

The Last Jedi was made by a fanboy who was too blinded by the magnitude of Star Wars in the popular imagination to resist pandering to it, and the integrity of the story suffered.