#and 'paul mccartney (my original boy-queen)' belongs in tumblr tags

[torchlitinthedesert]

I hadn't heard of Lou Sullivan, trans gay author and activist. So I looked up his diaries, and op's tags are 100% accurate. You can see his whole progress as a fan, how much it meant to him - both at the time, and later with adult hindsight. Fandom as something we pour ourselves into, and use to work out/shape how we see ourselves. Plus all the idealism and obsessiveness - I love him buying Beatle-relevant clothes, and reading terrible books about the beloveds.

Diary excerpts, starting in 1964, when Sullivan was 13 (the entries aren't dated).

Didn't do anything great except saw "The Beatles" on The Ed Sullivan Show and Kathy practically had a bird. They are sorta cute but I think Ringo is swingin, George is cute, Paul is a good singer and John is icky. Too!

Did my homework and could not wait for The Beatles at 7-8 on Ed Sullivan. Went home to see them. Kathy & I & John went in the den and screamed! After their last song I started to cry, I guess because they wouldn’t be on any more. Mom got mad but Kathy joined me. I guess we feel the same about them.

Paul-Ringo-Paul-Ringo they keep bouncing around my head. They're so perfect. Model yourself on them & you'll have no worries. Paul! I love the name. Such a beautiful sound to the ear. Ringo! Such an adorable boy. So sweet and modest. So bouncy. Know that I love you and I'm not crazy. This is a love so strong and real. Oh, love me, too, anyone.

I’m reading “The True Story of The Beatles.” So sad—I even cried I felt so sorry for those poor boys. They hardly could get anything to eat. They went without food for 36 hours once. Poor darlings. Today is Sunday. The Beatles mean so much to me. I could never say I didn’t like (or even love) The Beatles. I hope God is good to them when they die. I pray for them every day. Ringo, John, George, Paul. These names do something to me. Put me in a trance.

I'm going to start saying "y'know" for a while. It's fun.

I think I’d like a husband under the zodiac sign Libra. John Lennon’s from that sign and he seems to be a very wonderful husband. I’d like to be a famous writer of romance and love. I bet I could do it! All I need is the atmosphere and mood and I could write a heart-touching story. I love to think at night, with beautiful music playing, of young lovers and love. Of how they feel, cuz I know, I felt that way about Paul and still do, a little I guess.

I'll probably never forget this day. My babies on the stage, alive, in front of me. Pauly! Pauly! Oh, I love you with all my heart, so much. At the end, when outside, kids screamed and ran. I followed, losing the others. I touched it with my hands—their car to take them to the hotel. I cried, lovingly, as I walked to our meeting place, people looked at me, but I didn’t care. My darlings were there and I had to leave them. I saw my Pauly! And George, John, Ringo.

I got a black leather “John Hat.” It’s called that cuz John Lennon wears one like it. [Here's a photo of Sullivan wearing it]

I’m not shy anymore! I don’t care if people think I’m crazy, I’m gonna be myself. And guess who helped me to this. The Beatles. The Beatles.

Grandmother bought me a $20 pair of boots. I donated $7. They’re genuine black leather and go up to my knees. They have a 1” stacked heel. A zipper down the side. A dream come true! Jane Asher has a pair. Excellent. Now I'm broke. Ha-ha!

I really don’t know what I’d have done without Paul, George, John, Ringo. I’d probably be real queer. You know, when I was around 7-11 years old, my favorite play would be “boys.” One of us, Bridget, Maryellen, or I, would say “Let’s play boys.”...

And in adulthood:

And it came to me how I’ve always had a male idol. Since I was 6 yrs old & thought I was Davy Crockett. Memories of others are gone but Cheyenne, another cowboy star I fantasized I was; David Janssen on TV as “The Fugitive;” Paul McCartney (my original boy-queen); Bob Dylan; now Lou [Reed].

Maryellen and I went to see Paul McCartney (yes! my Paulie) in concert in Berkeley. I felt very emotional during the concert—just remembering back to seeing him with the Beatles in 1964, and now again, here, 26 years later—and all that’s happened in my life in the interim. Although I haven’t followed his career in the interim, somehow I see him as the beginning, the awakening of my sexual maturity. I remember so clearly sitting at Bluemound Rd. with Paul’s picture in hand, staring and dreaming of him and thinking, “I wish I were you! I wish I was a boy like you!” I also kept thinking of Kathleen and how she would have LOVED to have been at this concert and I kind of dedicated my presence there to her. And like that first concert in 1964, I did quite a bit of crying during this show: “The Long and Winding Road,” “Let It Be”…all bring my life full-circle.

in happier book news i just started lou sullivan's diaries and idk what i was expecting but i can tell you i DIDN'T expect to be dropped straight into the deep end of the diary of, essentially, a 12 year old diehard one direction girlie (gender neutral)