#and “cheat on your partner with your mentor��� is not a good route to go down in any workplace

[stuffnonsenseandotherthings]

So this week we got the mentors relaxing around their interns and blurring the lines as well as some nice juxtaposition between Jane/Ryan and Judy/Ba-Mhee(/Tae).

Next week it looks like shit's going to hit the fan quite spectacularly and re-draw the lines we saw dissolving today.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

What is your opinion on straight passing privilege? I (bi) don’t think it exists, but a close (lesbian) friend of mine insists that it does bc “You can hold hands with your SO (nb cis passing man) in public without risking being the victim of a hate crime.” I have been researching but keep seeing this same argument coming up, and I’m unsure and don’t want to be making anyone upset if I’m being ignorant here.

I think that there's a lot of fucked up internet politics around who is and isn't allowed in the community. Which is ridiculous.

Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Pan, Poly, Ace, Aro, Trans, Intersex, etc.

The only people who shouldn't be in the community are cishets, and pedos, none of that 'it's a sexuality' nonsense, it's predation.

The concept of straight-passing is ridiculous, primarily because it's all based on assumptions. If you're in an m/f relationship, and you are both cis and heterosexual, it's straight.

But here's the catch, if you identify as any LGBPT+ then it's not straight.

Two trans people in an m/f relationship is not straight passing.

Two bi people in an m/f is not straight passing, it's queer babes, it's in the name. If you're bi and your partner is like, straight, it's still queer from your side of the fence.

It's the 'pick a side' argument from another direction, this straight passing nonsense. Where you are villified by the straights if you have a same-sex relationship (or fetishised, let's be real, every part of the acronymn has it's own p*rn category aimed at straight people with a kink), and if you have a relationship with the opposite gendered person, the queer community gets cranky.

Two things:

1) Is this friend between 13 and 25? Bc they could still be working this out or being mentored by t*rfs, or had some bad info. IT could be jealousy or fear of being open where you live. Perhaps you could question what makes her say that; has she had a bad experience, or did someone say this to her. where are you Are you in america? are there snake wielding jesus warriors near you? Blink SOS if you need an escape route, child

2) Who wins when everyone in the queer community is divided and policing one another? Telling everyone off for dating this person or that person or not at all

I didn't get an invite to the big queer conference to make these decisions, so like, they're not valid. It's some pocket of internet active idiots who think they can speak for everyone.

What we need to do is stop pulling this bullshit on one another and get back to asking just why the fuck it's not okay for people who are perceived as not-straight or cis etc to hold hands in public.

There's a problem for every facet of the acronym, babes and dudes and theys. Lesbians are heavily sexualised by straight cis dudes. Gays are heavly fetisihed by straight cis women. to the point where even saying 'I'm gay' is considered to be an obscene, sexual act that you should not let children be exposed to.

And there's always someone from the opposite gender who thinks they 'are confused' or 'haven't met the right (gender) person yet', or 'they could fix them with their magic genitals' or mumbled religious nonsense. There's such intense stereotypes that people can't stand women who look butch, but also you can't 'really' be a lesbian unless you are' or gay men can't just be, like, a normal dude, instead of some flamboyant in-your-face charicature.

Of course people who match the stereotype exist, too. And they get no respect for fitting into the stereptypes either, it's just another reason for disrespect. There's no winning.

Bi's can't talk to anyone without hearing a question of a threesome come up or being attacked from either side for coice of partner.

Pans, same, but also kitchenware jokes. Both Bi and Pan are considered sluts and whores and can't decide or are going to cheat, etc. Or the 'you're being special snowflakes', 'choose a side', 'you're secretly gay and won't admit / you're secretly straight and want attention' etc.

Ace/Aro - everyone under this banner gets the whole 'you just haen't found the right person' or 'when you're older/you're a late bloomer' or 'how do you know?' or 'maybe you're straight/gay and haven't worked it out yet?' invalidating them completely and trying to push sex onto them. The queer community has always let Ace and Aro in under the Bi banner, and they are welcome. But the internet community, usually young people, are tearing each other to shreds over it lmao.

Chill.

Non-binary, trans, intersex. They have been here for ages, but people from one community try to destroy their credibility, despite them existing since humanity has. It's big on p*rn and fetish sites too, lot of straight dudes think these things are hot and sexy, but would spit on trans people in the street. Hypocrites (I mean, every second low-brow comedy movie out there makes a thai-l*dyb*y joke, and how it 'doesn't count' like yikes).

Nb has only just been recognised, which is funny bc society literally made up gender and the rules and pretended that was how its encoded in DNA lmao.

Transpeople have it bad though. Between the cis straights, the cis queer community (primarily t*rfs and those who fall for misinformation) and the fetishists, and the medical community who treats them like an illness rather than people. Like, they are afforded respect if they 'pass', but even then it's still an EW factor.

Transwomen are seen as 'men in dresses who want to break into women's spaces' and treated horrifically; assaults are very high. Transmen are seen as butch women, and 'gender tr*itors' by the Crazy Motherfuckers we mentioned before; their assaults are high. They're not considered Real People unless they meet the ridiculously high standards for each gender; unless they perform Right.

I remember, but did not understand at the time bc I recall i was little, that there was a gameshpw bachelorette style and there was a big twist. You know what the twist was? That the bachelorette they'd been dating and trying to win over... was trans. I don't think that she knew it would be the big twist, either; of the two men remaining, bother were angry and one might have been sick. Might be on youtube.

But like, that's funny to the non-queer community. They put a huge fucking target on this woman's back, put her in danger of being hurt, abused, killed, by anyone who watched it. By the men who she had 'lied to' as they chose to frame it, of their weird white american families who could have sought revenge. Like yikes.

And intersex people (called h*rmaphrodites for a long time even by medical personnel) were also a p*rn category and/or medical curiosity for centuries. Not to mention all the cases of parents who just went with 'make them a (specific gender)' if there was mixed presentation, at birth, and got mad at the kids for being like "Hey so, you flipped the coin wrong and I'm ___" even thought the potential for this was always on the cards.

And the parents often make a big messa bout how their baby ___ is dead and gone, even if they DO accept the person/child as who they really are. It's like, I get it they have changed but you didn't mourn their first haircut or lost baby tooth like this and that was change too, chill.

-

Straight-passing is a projection and a weapon. Like, is it the people in the relationship's fault that society looks at the pair and decides they are m/f, straight and cis? Nah, it's what people are conditioned assume and that's on them.

We can't bring it into the queer spaces and keep perpetuating that shit, because it's nonsense. Queer people are dying in other countries and your friend wants to being smart-assed about the fact you hold hands with your nb datemate in public?

-

Nonsense. That's right up there with t*rfs and the gold-star bullshit that was going on for a few years there. Probs still is among the younger people lmaoooo.

'Passing priviledge' is a myth, and it is used to hurt people. Vulnerable people and those who need support / guidance and assistance from their queer communities more than ever. So try to talk to your friend or try The Whole Friend disposal services, either way, chill.

The real issue here is that any of us are at risk of a hate crime for daring to even show affection in public. That even in safe spaces, 'allies' and those wise enough not to be openly homo/trans/bi/pan/ace/aro/other phobic are still side-eyeing you and wanting to talk 'for you' without listening to the community itself.

We have bigger issues than this, and your friend (and some others on the internet) need to get a grip and prioritise.

[Insert strained analogy about being pro-child but childfree in a suburb where everyone got married out of high school and anticipates you and your partner will too, no matter how often you remind them No Thanks. But you babysat the other day and people thought you and your partner looked like 'naturals' when you took child to the park and played with them. And you remind them, hey, chill, we like kids too but it's not for us. And they get pissy and pushy.]

---------

I can only point it out from my perspective, I'm certain there other queer people from the above acronymn community who can present their thoughts on the matter to and what it means to them.

Thanks for the question, good-bi.

[kriscme]

One Life to Live

Here’s the latest chapter.  Thanks to Ronja for permission to write fanfic of her Hunger Games fanfic “The Chance You Didn’t Take.”  It can be found on A03 as this can too (under Kris22).  Thanks for reading. Chapter 35 I wake to bright sunshine and the citrusy perfume of evening primrose wafting in from the open window.  Such a lovely dream I had last night.  I was following Prim through the woods and the further she took me, the happier I became, even though we never arrived at any place. But then I remember my current predicament and my spirits plummet again.  I turn to face Peeta, expecting to see him, but he’s not here.  The only sign that he was in my bed last night is the impression his head made on the pillow close to my own.  Somehow, we both seemed to have gravitated to the middle of the bed during the night. From downstairs I hear movement and two voices in conversation.  That could only be Peeta and Haymitch.  No one else would be in the Village and in my house at this hour.  The clock by the bed tells me I have an hour before it’s time to leave for work.  I use most of it to shower and dress.  I don’t want to face either of them just yet. They’ll only talk strategy.  Haymitch seems to have relished getting back into his old mentor role which is odd, because he hated it when he actually was one.  As for Peeta, I haven’t seen him like this since the Quarter Quell when he had us all training like careers.  There’s the same energy and focus.  It’s as if he’s determined to get me home a third time.  Only this time his reasons are . . . well, I don’t know what his reasons are but it is good to see him back to his old self.  I should make an effort to stop being so sulky and disagreeable around him.  It’s not his fault he doesn’t love me anymore and he is doing me a huge favor at risk to himself.   As soon as I see the food laid out on the table, I wish I had come down earlier.   Peeta has cooked my favorite breakfast of sausages, eggs, potatoes, bread, juice and hot chocolate.   I tuck in, ignoring Haymitch’s scowl.  It’s my house.  I’ll come down when I want to. “We keep to the schedule as planned,” says Haymitch.  “And it goes without saying – “ “Stay in love,” Peeta and I say in unison.  “And don’t be afraid to lay it on thick,” Haymitch adds.  “That’s what the public is used to seeing from you.  This isn’t an old settled relationship.  Or a continuation of one.  It’s brand new.  You want to avoid any talk that this has been going on behind Lace’s back and it’s why the wedding was called off.  After the cameras are gone, you still have to live amongst these people.  No one likes a cheater.” “It won’t be a problem,” says Peeta, as he starts to clear away the dishes.  I grab the plate with the potatoes before he takes it.  “It actually works out well.  Lace was worried that people might think the same of her and Arthur if their relationship became public too soon.  But if she and I both have partners, they’re far less likely to think that one of us had cheated on the other.  I’ll let her know sometime today that Katniss and I are together.” I bet that will shock her.  After all his talk of me being an illusion, he’d better have a convincing excuse for why he’s changed his mind.  But at least I know that he’s aware that Lace is with Arthur now. What’s most surprising though, is that he doesn’t seem upset about it.  And they’re still talking to each other. On Haymitch’s advice, we take the most public route into work so as to be seen by the maximum number of people.   That takes us through the main street past Lace’s shop.   I catch a glimpse of her through the window sorting through fabrics.  She has her back to us.  The shop next door is vacant but there’s carpentry in progress, probably for new fittings for Arthur when he moves in.  We turn down a side street and pass by Arthur’s shop.  He’s opened early as usual.  I don’t see him but I know he’ll be hard at work, saving for that factory he plans to own one day.   The salon is closed at this hour but I spy Flavius at the front desk, head down, consulting the appointment book.  He raises his head as we walk by.  I move closer to Peeta and rise on tiptoe to kiss his cheek before giving Flavius a wave. The news will be all over town by the end of the day.   We meet for lunch at the small park adjacent to the school.   It’s a hot day but the old oak tree provides plentiful shade.  We eschew the bench seat and sit on the grass because it looks more romantic that way.   I kick off my shoes to cool my feet and smooth out the folds of my dress.  It’s the sunset dress that Peeta likes.  It just happened to be the first thing on hand when I reached into my closet this morning. Peeta has brought us food from the bakery.   He holds out in each hand a white paper bag with the Carter logo on it.   “Beef or chicken?” “Um . . . beef,” I say.  Peeta hands me one of the bags and keeps the other.  It’s not a pie but a sandwich with layers of thinly sliced roast beef, cheese, lettuce, tomato and some kind of sauce. I take my first bite and moan appreciatively.  This might just overtake cheese buns for me. “Since when did the bakery sell sandwiches?” I ask. “Since last week.  And coffee and other beverages too.  It’s an experiment, to see how well it does.  In the Capitol, the bakery also functioned as a café, with indoor seating.  It will mean moving to larger premises but it might be needed anyway.  Did I tell you we’re getting cake orders from as far away as the Capitol now?  The one I did for Cressida’s wedding seems to have started it.” “That’s great, Peeta,” I say, genuinely happy for him.  But then a terrible thought occurs to me.  Cass told me that Peeta could get work anywhere.   What if he leaves 12 for the Capitol for bigger opportunities? I’m suddenly consumed with fear. I don’t want him to go. “I’ve also been offered a fourth share partnership in the business too, along with Julius, Cass and Cornelia,” he adds, his face alight with enthusiasm.   “They want to keep you,” I say. “Probably,” he concedes.  “But there’s more to it than that.  We’re more than just coworkers.  I feel disloyal saying this and no one could ever replace them, but in a way, it’s like having my brothers back.  And Cornelia is the woman one of them might have married.  Does that sound bad?” “Not at all,” I say, thinking of Johanna and how she’s like a sister to me.  Loved ones can’t be replaced but it doesn’t mean your circle can’t expand to include others.  “I suppose you won’t be opening a bakery of your own any time soon then?  Wasn’t that one of the plans you made with Lace?” Peeta gives a short, self-depreciating laugh. “That was never going to happen.  Responsible for running a bakery? Ugh!  I like what I’m doing now, decorating cakes and leaving the management side of it to others.   I think we just chose what we thought the other expected of us, not what we actually wanted for ourselves.    Lace would never have been happy giving up her shop to work from home.  She’s worked too hard for it.  And five kids?  At this stage of my life, I’m not even sure about one.” “Really?” I ask.  That was the only part of it that made any sense to me – that Peeta would want a large family.  “I thought you’d like to have children.”   From the school grounds nearby, I can hear the shrieks and laughter of children at play.  It wasn’t long ago that the mere thought of having to teach Peeta and Lace’s children had filled me with dread.  I was sure that if it was Peeta’s choice, they’d have had them straight off. “One day, perhaps,” he says.  “But I want to be in a better place than I am right now. You know, with the attacks and everything.  And we’re only twenty.  There’s plenty of time.” Twenty-one.   Lace is twenty-one.   “You?” he asks. “Oh, um, the same as you, I guess,” I say, surprised to have the question turned back on me.    “I’ll think about it when the time comes.  But for the moment, no.  I want to see how things turn out.  With the new government, I mean.  Whether the peace lasts.”  I want to be certain the Games will never return before I’m be ready to bring children into the world.   “I meant more general that that,” he says. “How do you see your future?  What do you want to do?” I take a moment to think about it.  My future isn’t something I’ve given much thought to other than in terms of what I can’t do because of my confinement.   But it dawns on me that even if had the choice to live wherever I wanted, I’d still choose Twelve.  It’s my home and the people and places I love are here. “Keep on teaching, I suppose, and finish getting my qualifications.   Mr Matson suggested I could teach archery to the older students.   So maybe I’ll do that.  I doubt there’ll be much hunting once the woods officially become national park so it seems a good compromise.  I can continue to use my skills and pass them on at the same time.” “Sounds perfect,” says Peeta, smiling at me. We go back to eating our lunch.  I see a few people walking past on the opposite side of the road but foot traffic around here is thin and sporadic.  It’s an out-of-the-way place to be seen but Haymitch’s rationale is that we can’t just frequent the popular places because that would cause suspicion in itself.  We have to appear as a normal courting couple doing what a normal courting couple would do. Picnicking in a sequestered park is apparently one of them.  But there’s at least one onlooker.  A squirrel, perched on one of the lower branches watches expectantly.  He seems used to people as he doesn’t show any fear. And probably used to being fed by them too.  I break off a piece of crust and throw it a short distance away.  He doesn’t hesitate.   He scampers down the tree, grabs his prize, and scurries back up.   I catch Peeta observing me, a look of amusement on his face. “What?” I demand.  He had better not be laughing at me. “It’s just seeing a new side of you, that’s all.  You know, relaxed.   One time, that squirrel would have ended up with one of your arrows through its eye. But now you share your lunch with it. I like it.  It means you’re in a better place now.  Not so concerned with survival.” Humph! The last time I heard anyone talk about me and survival was in the basement of a dingy little shop in the Capitol that sold fur underwear.  “Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can’t survive without.”  Gale said it, and Peeta didn’t refute it.  The same resentment I felt then wells up in me.  There it is again, the implication that any finer feelings are subservient to my need to survive. Not love, or desire, or compatibility, or even just throwing a crust of bread to a squirrel.  I didn’t get to defend myself then, but I will now. “That’s a horrible thing to say.”   Peeta’s eyebrows shoot up in a surprise.  “I hate that people think that of me – that I’ll put my own wellbeing ahead of anything else.  If I’ve tried so hard to survive, it’s because I had people depending on me.  What would have happened to Prim, or my mother, if I hadn’t been around to make sure there was food on the table?  Prim would have ended up in the Community Home and that meant as good as dead.  I’ll do anything for the people I love.  Die for them if need be.  I would die for you.  I –“ I stop short, remembering all of a sudden that I’m supposed to keep those feelings hidden.  Heat rises in my face.  “I mean – “And then it’s Peeta who cuts me short.  He takes my face in his hands and kisses me.  Really kisses me, not the closed mouth playacting kind, but softly, insistently, plying my mouth open with his own.  For a few seconds I’m stunned into inaction.  But then I feel that thing.  That thing that happened in the cave and on the beach.   And I put my arms around his neck and kiss him back hungrily, greedy for more.  He pulls me closer and we sort of meld together, the points of his body picking out the counter-points of my own and I moan somewhere deep in my throat. I forget we’re in a public space and only a short distance from a school.  Nothing exists but Peeta and me and when I feel his hand slip between my thighs under the cover of my dress, lightly as if seeking permission, my legs fall apart in open invitation and I will it to go higher, to that place that wants him so badly.

His fingertips barely make contact when from some faraway place the pulsating ring of a school bell sounds.  With great reluctance, I am dragged back into the present and reality returns with a thud.  I pull away, confused.  What just happened?  Why did he do that?  My head whips around looking for the audience he’s playing to, but there’s no one about.

“Don’t.  Don’t let’s pretend when there’s no one around,” I say, getting quickly to my feet.  It’s not . . . we shouldn’t do it.  It’s how lines get blurred.”  And people get hurt. People being me.  I shove my feet into my shoes.  “I have to go.  Class is about to start.  Thanks for lunch.”

I don’t wait for a response from Peeta. I race off, leaving him to dispose of the remains of our lunch, a look of bewildered concern on his face. The kiss leaves me shaken and it takes a concerted effort to concentrate on my work.  That was so close.  Too close. How am I going to get through this without breaking down?  There’s at least three weeks to go.  This week before the television crew arrives, the following when they set up, and after that a week of filming.  I don’t know how Peeta did it.  All that kissing and hugging on the Victory Tour.  And the nights on the train.  And then when we shared a bed in the Capitol just before the Quell.  It must have been torture.  As it will be for me tonight, and every other night until this is over.

Luckily, Peeta and I don’t finish work at the same time so I’m spared walking home with him.  As I’m home first, I set the table and prepare the food for dinner, allowing extra in case Haymitch turns up, which he probably will.  And then I go into the living room and take a book from the shelf.  I hope reading will be a distraction because I just can’t get that kiss out of my mind. It’s a book on conservation that Marcus left behind, and it’s as dry as you’d imagine but it does nothing to lessen the wetness between my legs.  I am so aroused; I’m fit to burst.  There’s only one solution.  I slip my hand under my dress to take care of it myself, and I’m just on the verge when I hear the front door open.  It’s Peeta.

I quickly open the book and pretend to be immersed in it.  

“Good book?” Peeta asks, as he comes into the room.  He takes the seat opposite and reads the title from the cover.  “’Wetland Techniques.”  I suppose we could all benefit by brushing up on our wetland technique.  Maybe I should read it after you.” “

Maybe,” I say noncommittedly, and lower my eyes back to the page.  I hope he’ll take the hint that I’m not in a sociable mood and go away.  

There’s a long pause.  “Katniss, I think we should talk about what happened at the park.”

I don’t think that’s a good idea at all.  If Peeta has a flaw it’s that he likes to talk about things that shouldn’t be talked about. It would be better for both of us if we pretended it didn’t happen.  

“Things got a little carried away, that’s all,” I say.  “It was bound to happen with us forced into this situation again.  We just have to be more careful next time.”  

“Is that what you want?” he asks, frowning. “I think it’s best, don’t you?  If we’re to get through this, we need to set boundaries. After all, we have to go back to living normally after this.  We have to stay friends.” I try to sound convincing but there’s a faint tremor in my voice.  I stare down at my book to avoid looking at him.

“All right, Katniss,” he says tiredly.   He rises from the chair.  “I’ll get dinner started then.  Haymitch should be here soon.”

After he leaves the room, I let out my breath. I don’t think he believed me but maybe that’s not important.  We only have to preserve the veneer.  But he makes it so hard.  Always wanting to open wounds instead of just leaving them alone.  I’ll just have to stay on my guard and make sure to keep him at a safe distance.  Obviously, Peeta isn’t averse to having sex with me if what happened at the park is any indication.  But then, I was practically begging him.  I know you don’t have to be in love to have sex.   And if sex is all I wanted from Peeta, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I know, I just know, that if we went down that path, the floodgates would open and I’d be as helpless as ever and in an even worse place than I am now.  Nothing will have changed.  I’d still be in love with someone who isn’t in love with me.

While Peeta makes dinner, I take a shower.  A cold one. And change out of the sunset dress into something that makes me feel less vulnerable – tight-fitting trousers and a t-shirt.  I’d wear a chastity belt if I had one because I don’t really trust myself.  I wait until Haymitch arrives before I go downstairs. The less alone time I have with Peeta, the better.

Unfortunately, Haymitch doesn’t stay for very long after we’ve eaten.  I was hoping that he and Peeta would get the chess board out again so I could avoid interacting with him.  

“It’s Monday,” I tell Peeta, when he comments on Haymitch’s early departure.  “He wants to be home to watch “One Life to Live.” He’s something of an addict.”  I dry the last of the dishes and put it away while Peeta makes tea.  

“That’s the show Plutarch talked about, isn’t it?” he asks. “Yeah, that’s the one.  It’s the most rubbishy, most stupid thing ever. I was insulted when he compared us to Celia and Blake.  Idiots, both of them.”

“I can’t really comment.  I’ve never watched it,” he says, as he pours tea into two mugs.

I sniff derisively.   “Well, you haven’t missed anything.  I can’t think why Haymitch likes it.”

“Let’s find out.” “What?  You actually want to watch it?”

“Yeah.  I do.  You can explain the plot so far.”

He picks up one of the mugs and I take the other. “That will take about two seconds.” Nonetheless, I follow him into the living room and sit down beside him on the sofa. I guess there are worse things to do than watching television together, even if it is “One Life to Live.”  At least it’s a distraction and we won’t have to talk much.  My gaze flickers over to Peeta.  I’m acutely aware of him.  His well-muscled thigh only inches from my own. The fine blond hair on his strong capable hands.  Hands that can lift heavy sacks of flour yet wield a paintbrush with the most delicate precision.   Hands that were on me only hours earlier.  A throbbing starts between my legs at the thought of it.   I cross one leg over the other to alleviate the sensation but then quickly uncross them. The movement makes the crotch seam of my trousers rub against me in a most stimulating way.  I should have worn a dress.  

With a click of the remote control, the opening credits of “One Life to Live” appear on the screen.   I swallow hard and force myself to focus. “Well, Celia and Blake are from neighboring districts . . . “

[bismexualsquid-blog]

Poly as a Band Aid: Personal Red Flags (Alt title: I should make a relationship blog)

I’ve been talking to a lot of people, friends and mentors about relationships lately (because eventually that’s literally going to be my job), and something that has come up a lot has been poly identity and expression, and we talked a lot about the not so good side of it, because it’s there and it’s something to be careful of, so here’s a little bit about things we talked about to be aware of in yourself or a partner. This is going to be about negative poly stuff, its not fun, but its real. Its very valid to think you might be poly or should be poly based on our societies tendency towards monogamy and the assumptions that go along with that, but its a choice of relationship like anything else that must be made ethically and with strong personal consideration. It is no more or less “evolved” or “right” than monogamy, open relationships, deliberate singlehood or any other structure. 

1. Any sort of love is a conscious choice and commitment, and it’s not to be taken lightly, as in any relationship, you should be really focused on clear and honest communication. If you’re someone who has a lot of trouble being honest, probably not for you without an awful lot of work.

2. The immediate answer to cheating should never be poly. The immediate answer to cheating should never be poly. The immediate answer to cheating should never be poly.  (Therapists get this question a lot)

3. See above: but if you’re someone who has a tendency to cheat, poly is probably going to cause more problems not less, evaluate why you cheated in the first place, be committed to changing and healing. If the person you are with is okay with you staying, adding more people is generally going to make that healing process more complicated regardless of any other factor. I suggest therapy in any case for both or either of you, cheating is very hard to recover from emotionally. (Also, don’t cheat it’s awful, like really, if you’re thinking about it, don’t, go to church, knit, masturbate, do literally anything else.) 

4. Where are you when things get hard?  If you find yourself in the arms of another when your partner has a bad panic attack, or heading out of town when you hear they fail a test, it sounds like you’re not problem solving. It is absolutely one thing seek support and definitely encourage your partner to seek additional support systems, but if you run every time it gets hard, you’re band aid-ing and distracting yourself from the problems at hand. Support should come from a variety of sources (see 6), but you should never use another romantic partner as an escape route. (I have definitely done this and also had this done to me, and it is good for no one).

5. Serial monogamists sometimes see poly as the ideal solution to their relationship hopping, but there are some issues with this, mostly revolving around the “having your cake and eating it too.” Your old relationship might not be as new and exciting and there’s this new person who is and can hear about the problems in your other relationship and ease those stresses! Poly means you can have both right? Without the need for a messy breakup! Uh, no. 

What happens next will probably be as follows, exciting NRE (new relationship energy) with the new person, not solving issues with your long term partner, and ultimately fading time and feelings with your ltr, and again and again and again and again. It’s a story we see a lot, the solution here, if I may offer it, is generally not polyamory, but a genuine choice to commit to your LTR and work through those issues. It’s very hard to grow as a person within relationships if you hop to a new exciting person every time stuff gets unhealthy or messy. You’re probably not “so very deeply poly” that you keep discovering new people, you’re probably just lonely and working through your own issues. 

You’ll notice the theme throughout this is, don’t use a poly identity as white out for your own problems, which is something therapists and counselors (or counselors in training like me) have seen very much on the rise, both personally and professionally. 

6. Speaking of lonely, as a society we tend to value romantic relationships over platonic. There is no reason they should be inherently more valuable, there are some therapists that theorize this is why (unhealthy!) poly as choice is on the rise, we meet someone that we really value and enjoy, and our tendency is to try to pursue a sexual or romantic relationship instead of a platonic one.

 If you’re someone who loves meeting new people, consider how your “friendship garden” looks, is it untended, is it (GASP) empty? Does it contain all the same plants? Work on your garden, see how you feels. Platonic needs are vital and poly should never be used as a band-aid to supplement that, your time will be even more split and unfortunately, your garden may suffer even more. On this note, within a poly relationship, another romantic person should never be the constant sounding board for issues within your romantic relationship. Grow your garden, talk out your issues with platonic plants as well as your lovely romantic roses. Fix some wilting flowers, make apologies and make time, show love and tenderness to those you love. Your garden will have seasons, but you should be committed to filling it with diverse and hardy plants as well as “warm weather friends” who fade in and out, it should also probably have a few trees, old and new. 

(Credit for this great metaphor goes to my botanist friend BB who introduced me to the idea of poly in the first place, if you’re looking to credit them on it I can link you to their blog)

7. Related to this, as you someone who likes to flirt, likes to meet new people? Our society says this is bad within a monogamous “normal” relationship. Untrue, as long as its within boundaries and commitments, flirting is a very normal healthy part of life, it makes you feel good and you might even find it improves your sexual bond with your partner! Do you feel like you have crushes despite loving your partner? Also very normal, even within a strictly monogamous relationship, the choice comes in terms of acting on it. Not all urges need to be honored, especially if it will hurt people or if you feel you can’t be honest about it.

For example, my former poly partner and I were good friends with one of my partners exes, this person was very attractive and kind, and I felt myself start to develop some feelings, however, acting on those feelings would have been potentially very damaging to my partner and our shared friendship. Even within a poly dynamic, to maintain it, sometimes there are feelings that we should move past and focus on in new lights. As free spirited and poly as you or your partner might be, sometimes the answer is just no, and it might stink! But you will probably be much more comfy in the long run! Be okay fighting impulse control, evaluating, and saying no to yourself. Here again, if you’re someone who has major issues with communicating first, then making a joint choice, poly may not be very healthy for you, identity aside. 

8.  This is a big one. Think about your past relationships, are you a very possessive or jealous person? If you feel like this is an inherent part of your personality, or you’ve struggled endlessly with it in the past. If your partner talking to exes makes you rage or them flirting with others makes you sick. Uh. Oh. 

That’s a big place for personal improvement and something to talk about, maybe to friends, and a therapist as well, but definitely a red flag for poly. Intense jealous tendency, or acting on those jealous feelings in a mean way can poison a relationship. If your jealously suddenly seems to fade when a new person wanders into your life, you feel like you want your partner to not be jealous in turn or you feel like your partner should rapidly start spending time with a new person, big ol’ red flag again. Sounds like you might be using your partner to, yet again, do something more like cheating, less like happy healthy poly. Don’t use other people to help cover very personal issues.

TLdr; Cheating (don’t do it!), dishonesty (don’t do it!), possessiveness, and intense serial monogamy are generally huge red flags that someone has their own issues, not a deeply poly identity, be careful dating someone who has those traits but claims the identity. Tend to your friendship garden, let it grow big and strong and diverse, and be cautious of turning friends into lovers, it is often not the answer. Some feelings of romantic and sexual attraction or desire to flirt are normal and healthy in ANY relationship, be cautious of assuming you’re inherently poly because you develop feelings for people, it’s what you do with them that matters. Flirting does not mean that your relationship must die. However, saying no to an urge is okay and healthy. Instant gratification is ultimately often the more unsatisfying option in favor of long term consideration and kindness, when in doubt, wait a day. Communicate, communicate, communicate and work, work, work. And I’m highly biased, but talking to a therapist personally or as a couple is always a great idea. 

Feel free to message me about any of this! TO BE VERY CLEAR:  I am not inherently against poly in any way, I do not think its a perfect structure because there is none, this was sheerly because I have had a lot of people talking about it this summer. Myself, my teachers, and friends have noticed some big red flags when people adopt an identity that may band aid some issues but not necessarily help their long term mental health or be true to their relationship needs. It might be very popular right now, but it legitimately is not right for everyone or every relationship, especially if you have trouble with any, many, or all of the things mentioned above.