#ana'il elune

[ffxivakyi]

Twenty Seventh sun of the First Umbral Moon

We went to war today Book, my planning had payed off, though the loss of live was not ours, there was still a cost of life. 

I did not expect Kaz my heart’s muse to be there, I had accepted he would not return to me. He fought by my side, and things seemed to go as I carefully laid out. Ice Maw and Wanders, did draw the bulk of the warriors away. The Matron and Priestess, came out together, they held back the young-lings as ranged support. Book I miss my magic, I saved Kaz the pain of an arrow, and took it myself. Matron Ana was in death’s grasp, while Grein was blind in his rage. I tried to make quick choices, save Ana and keep Grein from hurting anyone. We were lucky, Gilded Compass warriors and healers arrived. Too late to aid in the fight, but in time to do what I could not, save Ana. I do not know how many of Bat clan survived, but I do know their ability to grow has been hindered. Some place is a blood crystal monstrosity, I do not know what will become of it. I know Jackal what is left of them has scattered to the ice lands, their totem still needing to be freed of the blood gift.

I made it back to Bloom, what little healing I had left to bandage Lerran was more than happy to help. Kaz’a arrived a bit after book, I do not know if he fully realizes he is home, and all of this fighting is done.. for now.

His Tribute to me was wrapped carefully in cloth, and presented to me. My heart skipped a beat or perhaps two. Every things he gave me shows me his passion, and his creativity. He is My Muse. The necklace holds a tiny black River chocobo, a quiver with such carved details, with yellow fletched arrows, and a flute carved by hand a great owl and antelope running together. I accepted him Book, all of his joys and pain he will find along the way.

My heart is finally complete, I have all I need now to live and know that no matter what comes I am never alone. Every facet of my soul in all of its dark and bright mysterious depths. Faysal, for my darkness, as I am his light, together the world will find peace, or ruin. My heart has found passion in Rune Wolf, and now music and the joys of life. I will not be taking any more tribute, I am at peace.

[ffxivakyi]

Third sun of the First Umbral Moon

A few days in one Book, I spent some time away meditating and listening to the elements. My heart has been hurting, I find that I am losing faith in the idea of having more than one mate. Anyway I will get back to that…

Ash the new engineer finally introduced himself today. He had asked Zasha to be there. I realize now that it is because he is afraid of me. I am not yet sure how I feel about this, he is so very different. I would not have guessed he has clan blood in his veins, or that he is a half seeker. He is Isic’s son…

Sain has been up and out of her room, I am glad she is recovering from helping me. I have not yet moved to scout, They are all very fearful for me while I am unmarked. Tola has a plan to try to save the Raven, I am not sure if she can succeed. Would this show the other smaller blood clans there is a chance to undo the past? That their ancestors mistakes can be righted? I made some dumplings and got Ana from the den. I wanted to take her away from the fighting and responsibilities for a bit. I think it went well, and I want to make sure my bond with her stays strong. She and I are very close to the same age, and while she can be aggressive, I have never felt the need to be aggressive back. I understand her perhaps more than others do.

Book, I hoped to find happiness. I had hoped I would have someone who I could hold close and feel safe with when I am with the Clan. Kaz has chosen the path of revenge, and now I do not even know if he will return, if he is alive. Then there is Musha, this one hurts even more than any others. He did not tell me, or anyone… Book to Ana this is normal, that Males come and go, leave whenever they please without word. How one day I can feel.. so much.. then sit and watch it fade away in to a painful throbbing in my heart. I Have been going home to Faysal more and more. He is my heart’s heart, and I feel happy being near him. I am starting to think I do not have the heart for more than one male. Not that I do not have love to give, but my heart is too fragile for such ways.

[ffxivakyi]

Seventh sun of the First Umbral Moon

Book, today has been very hard.

Last night after I tucked Faysal in.. I felt I had to just get out. I sat on the roof and stared at the waterfall behind the house. I do feel the meditations and listening to the elements helps.

Papa came and sat with me, he could see that I am struggling. We talked some and, it helped. Book, I never had a parent who wanted to listen. Talrhin, my birth mother, never wanted to listen. She wanted to control everything, how I felt, how I spoke, how I saw the world. Book, I do not know how long it will take me for to heal from this childhood.

I am glad Papa had visited me, I do not know how I would have been without his guidance. No Book he is very protective, but he is… learning? He did not suggest killing Musha for hurting me.. He truly wanted to find out how I was feeling what I was thinking. That I do want him back, that I do very much still love him.. Just I was in pain.

Winter was the one to call out over the pearl, Musha was found in the den his arm missing and he was in death’s grasp from blood loss. I walked from Bloom house to Winter’s lab, my mind completely blank. I just knew I had to go there, I had to see him, and I had to listen to my instincts. I tried to be numb.

Book, it is hard to put my next thoughts into words. I was numb for perhaps a few moments, till he saw me and.. I tried to not think too hard, I tried to not integrate him, just be happy he was alive. I said that to myself over and over, just be happy he is alive. I am sure it was clear I was unhappy I would barely look him in the eyes. He had  to push get me to talk, to get it out. I told him, the pain I was feeling, how he would not be the first to abandon me. Yes Book, he is missing an arm, but that is only a few days of what happened. Not the full moon he has been gone without a word, not even a letter. He understood, and told me that he was afraid. That he knew I care so much that if I though he was in danger I could follow him. I told him, a letter from moogle mail would not have changed that. If I wanted to I could have tracked him, but I respect him to much to do that. Winter called it Ghosting.. Must be another city term I do not know.

I forgive him Book, because he sees what it has done. He realized and said freely, he did not consider me, and that was a mistake. I do not know if Ana feels the same as I do, I do not know how she feels about courting and mates. I am sure she has many males give her tribute, and perhaps she is not as attached as I become with them. I did tell her he was back, and he is injured. I do not yet know what he was doing, I could not bring myself to ask just yet. I do know Book, he spoke of a Son. I will find out when I return from scouting. I sit in this tree as I write, I am scouting with in the Twelves Wood. Nothing too dangerous, I am just tracking Blood clan movements before the tracks are lost to the elements. Tonight I play my flute to Mother Moon, someone from a Gilded Compass is lost. I will ask Mother moon to protect her while she is lost and alone.

[ffxivakyi]

seventh sun of the First Astral Moon

Book, this entry is hard for me to write, please be patent.

The war party as far as I can tell was a success. We went and attacked a Jackal camp, killing many and taking back the supplies that had been plundered from northern clans. Book, I missed this attack. I was taken away early on, as soon as they had sprung their surprise attack.. I remember the arrows coming from the honeycomb rocks. I was not taken alone, they also took Angel. They had to have taken me to the Priest’s camp, it is an older camp then the war camps and was not well defended. Having only the older huntresses and the Priests personal guard. 

They had cut away the flesh that held the Watcher’s mark, and made my brand resurface. The Raven’s call.. It is hard to fight, if I was anyone else I would have gone feral. The do not know about my brother’s soul, the fight and struggle I faced to keep my mind and body my own. The Raven did not break me, not this time. Raven did take my sight for a time, further away from the priest I am the better I will be. Book, the visions the Raven showed me.. I fear for us. I fear for my clan, and all of the twelve wood. Hundreds dead, as the aether of their blood was pulled into the air.. The Raven awakens belief and aether, that is all it takes to make a primal. Promises of power, promises that I can protect what is mine. Promises that our people will never be in chains, will never be experimented on, will never be breed against our will, ever again. Book, my will is strong.. But I know in a battle such as this, it would only take time. Now the other thoughts for you Book. Angel saw a kit, one who was sent to the priest’s camp to watch over the vats. I remember this place, I remember my mother challenging the priestess champion. Isic held me close and told me of this place, that they drown the kit here that will not be good huntresses. Rhiana’s soul is too bright, her heart to kind. Some Kits are just born and not made for the dark. I would have been drowned if my brother lived. My mother would not have fought to spare me, for all I would have been is aether for the Raven. I think Angel plans to take her to Ana, and the Wolve’s matron.. Though he does help at an orphanage, Rhiana is not ready for a place like that. The Raven’s teaching and its blood is in her, I do not want to see her caged for killing another kit. I do not want her myself, and if I was alone I likely would have left her to die there. I am not ready to adopt, or find a way to having my own. It is not a pet, one finds in the gutter and brings home. I want my kits to be choices I and Musha make hand in hand.

Not thrust on us.

[ffxivakyi]

Twenty first sun of the First Astral Moon

Book, today was kinda quiet, kinda I have been taking more time to listen to the elements and meditate. It calms me, to see how everything is connected, to feel like more than just a grain of sand on the beach. Book I am at odds with myself, an not the Raven’s call that just gets louder every day. I feel I could be more, that I could have a destiny. Yet I do not want to believe in fate and destiny. I feel it a greatness in me, just waiting to become. Will called me he is lucky I was not at the place yet, I turn my linkshell off when I am meditating. He is scouting Shaman camp, and wanted advise.. No that is not the word.. He wanted the war maiden to advise if he should use the explosive he had handy. I decided a small explosion to break the jars would be acceptable. I know there is no honor in war this way, but I need Tola free from the death mark. She is a powerful Maji and able to make enough light to disable shadow walkers.

If anyone gets cross at Will I will get in front, it was my call.

[ffxivakyi]

Twenty Forth Sun of the Fifth Astral Moon

Book today marks a new beginning.

I spent some of my night with Faysal, I was finally up to speaking to him about my feeling about my mother. On that regard He and I are still of one mind, we will set up the meeting with her in Zayaat’s chosen location for next Sennight. I ran in to Kaza next, I was playing my flute to Mother Moon. I want to take him to the Stepps with me someday, we can have a great hunt and then he can stay at the Dancing Tiger with me. Show him Rahja’s dancing as we eat our hunt and the tribe greets him as a hunter.

I was drawing at the Shroudwolf’s den when Ana came home from her day. We spared, and it was a good fight, she is very fast with her staff. I believe it was her claws from a young age. I got her once but in the end she was the victor.

She used magic I had not seen before, I wonder if it is older clan magics. I would not know from my clan, seeing most blood clans shun magics. She has asked me to be her successor, the maiden of the clan. Book, I am taken back by such an honor. I know that there will be much to learn. Book, for what I know I am a tad old already for her to make this offer. Though I know that she sees the war we are not fighting. She still has to talk to Sain and Aisha, her Priestess and first Huntress. For now I look forward to learning and continue to teach the new hunters.

One more thing, I will be speaking to Zasha soon. Out of the ones who I have spoken to I believe she would be the one most able to heal my soul. I know that it may be hard, and may kill me. Faysal my wonderful moon once said I am like a kintsugi, that broken can be beautiful.    

[ffxivakyi]

Almost two sennights and the Twenty Third Sun of the Fifth Astral Moon

I am the Shadow of the Shroud.

This feels right to me, my purpose my new calling? Though it is not the safest of paths to walk, I find Shadows often end up dying alone. Honest this is natural to me, and I have been doing it as long as I have been away from the caves.

Book I know I have not been writing in your pages, I hope now that I am feeling.. Better? Perhaps I am just getting used to this feeling. This is what it is like to feel alone in the world, to not have my brother there with me.

I wonder if Faysal feels Mila there with him? I know she is there, Zasha showed me what she sees. I wonder if he knows she cares or cared about him? He has always held her in suspicion, especially with how it ended.

I have been thinking about learning how to heal, I mean properly learn. Right now I think I am hurting myself when I use it. I have not been doing well, but now I am just trying to hide it. Weakness, nausea, head hurts.. and feeling the cold death creeping up on me. I know Papa is trying to hard to be there and help me every night. I think.. I need to find a way to heal my soul.

Kaza is doing much better, he is starting to face the loss and accept it. I saw him truly smile the other day. I need to catch up with Angel and see how he is. As for Mushy, he has taken his place in the clan, and Ana is happy with him.

Faysal an I have spent time together, I enjoy being around him. I need him, while he says I keep him from madness. He keeps the color in my life, keeps me looking forward and feeling alive. I have needed him this past sun, I have heard of things that bother me deeply.

Zayaat has spoken with my mother, I believe Zayaat offered her a deal. I do not know what words were said, or how Zayaat came to believe she understands my mother. I do not believe Zayaat understands her, I do not know what Zayaat is seeing. This will be my only chance to get back what she took, I will take full advantage of this. Even if I do not or can not take him back, I want the choice. Book, I know you do not understand, I do not think many can. He was not taken, like one would kidnap a person. There are fragments left behind, shard of him, I can still feel some of the Abyss, but it is about as strong as it was before the seals were removed. If I can get it back, it may be just shards and fragments. I am realizing now, nothing will be as it was, even if I can heal him, he will never be with me again.

So my mother, the only thing I can think of is, yet again her plans had failed. She wants to survive, or at least have that chance to have her honored death. I have not seen any of the blood clan around her. She is clanless, and old.

Words of her goals make me think, perhaps to hard. She wanted to bring the the great hunt to this world. She wanted to summon the dread wolf here? The old ways do not translate well into Eorzean. So it could be she had plans to summon a primal? Perhaps in some way my brother and I would have been what she wanted. One who wants to consume all, the other who… What do I want?

Book, I want to be me.. My mother broke some of the things that would have made me ‘good’ even if many who like me say I am good. I do not feel guilt, I have to rely on those I trust to keep me from doing more harm.

I guess I will end this long entry on the Shroudwolves. The clan is not warm, because they all have to many secrets they feel they have to keep closer. I am a Shadow and I found one of the secrets, I have not been quite like I would normally be. I originally was trying to find the threat to my clan. I do not know if I can feel safe in their den, I know I have earned distrust with those whose secret I have found. I have decided to not sleep in that den, I do not feel safe.

[ffxivakyi]

Twenty seventh Sun of the Sixth Umbral Moon

There has been more sparing at the Wolf den, people challenging each other and forming bonds of kinship. Ana my matron and now my mother, is constantly taking challenges.

I do not know if that makes us stronger, though I do learn from such spars. I wonder now if I did not hold back what such a fight would be like. I no longer fear harming others, my brother is gone, his soul and wants silenced. I do not think my eyes will turn black and my actions no longer my own again. Only now do I fear the call of the Raven, the old mark starting to surface. A new wolf was at the spars, a Roe who says he was raised by clan. I find this to lift my spirits. Though I do not know the way of his adoptive parents, he is one who is lost to bloodlust when he fights. He had told Matron about a bunch of mean miqo’te, she fears it is more blood clan coming to seek us out. I know that the Bat clan has the Watcher’s clan marked for death. I fear their influence is growing and the coming blood clans will soon act under their lead. Four dead Jackals, and I did not find a Raven. I know there will be shadow walkers with them. The Raven are not trusting and would never allow such an unpredictable clan to wander unchecked. I was right, the Raven had hoped to take most of us out with poison. If I had not gotten the Herbs from Allie I would not have had enough antidote to counter it. Though as counters go it is a long way from perfect. I hope some day one of the Wolves’ alchemists could work on it.

I had froze Book, the Raven in my mind. I did not see most of the fight, I saw the first sacrifice. It made me slow, and unable to stop the attack fully. I live, she did miss my heart. “Fusa” is what she hissed at me. The Raven knows me, knows I am here, and will become a problem. My Rune Wolf was there, he was at my side. I do not know yet, I do not know how to feel about the pain. I see the pain in his eyes when he sees me injured, I do not know if I can balance being a Maiden and some day matron with this feeling of disappointing him.

[ffxivakyi]

Fifth Sun of the Fifth Astral Moon

Book, I have had a lot on my mind. My mother and life.. being an Unseen.

I saw an Ascin today, and I want it dead.. No book I want to take its life, its soul. I think I take souls, this upsets Ana’ my matron. It would upset most I tell, I try not to say, I do not have to be honest to most. I try hard not to think about it.. Book.. I truly am Unseen.

Most kits are born late month, the moon is awake in my tribe. I know most clans abandoned this long ago.. This is why such things as when males are found is all decided on by the Matron. Though my mother waited, and went to the cursed woods after the time had officially past.

So Book, it is rare for Kits to be born on the four nights a Moon the sky is void of the Mother. So those who are born, the mother already know we are born unwanted with in my old blood clan. Mother moon not being in the sky, means when we first take breath, no soul is plucked from the stars.

Though book I know I have a soul, two in fact. The belief is though that the Unseen will take the souls of others, and of our kits. It makes me feel cold, and my skin get that ugly bumps, on how close such things are to reality. Book I asked papa if he thinks we take souls, he said. Does it matter if we do? I understand though, it is like asking if he thinks we breath air. We can not just stop, it is apart of who we are.

Apparently killing Ascin is apart of that to. Book I can get more in to the Ascin, on who is possessed. I just do not want to get in to it, the person is likely to die now that we all know who it is.  

[ffxivakyi]

Thirtieth  Sun of the Fourth Astral Moon

Book, I am so very frustrated, perhaps I will just disappear for a few sennights.

We found prey, some fool who turned on his fellow Adders and stole aether crystals from them. He was indeed trying to summon a primal. This is about the time I went numb, this is when I struggled and fought to not give into the darkness and its hunger. I allowed this man to live, his attacks even with the aether at his disposal was weak, he was unworthy. This man will never walk again, and was spared to answer the Adders’ questions. Book, I am not broken. I am not broken. I AM NOT BROKEN I AM NOT BROKEN. If this clan wishes me to stay among them they have to see this sooner than later.

Kiest thinks she is helping me, helping me see I am not a monster. Why do they think I need help for this? Why do they think I do not know my own mind and soul. Why must I be one and not the other? Am I not allowed to be good if I am a monster? Am I not allowed a family? Why must it be one or the other? I can not banish away my darkness, it is apart of me. Can my moments of light be just one part of who I am?

I NEVER ASK FOR THIS HELP You remember Book, Kiest asked me to kill her. How can I live in this clan when my honesty, my words are tested. I stabbed her, a warning, I chose a place that would bring great pain but not leave her lame. If she truly wishes to end her life, she should be speaking to my Papa. He is courting her, it falls to him. Of corse as expected the house was not happy about this action. I did not expect less, though Kiest is a fool to ask a huntress, who hunts man, to kill her. Lerran has forbidden me to stab others even if they have requested it. This Book should not have even happened. My words should not have to be tested, I should not have to be tested.

Why do they not see the strength in my will? Why do they not understand that I fight for every moment of happiness. That they hunt next to someone who will stop at nothing to protect them. People keep pets tigers as pets.. why do I feel so alienated. So I went to the Moon clan, perhaps there I can distract myself. It was the second verse to the on going song. Tolerance, is a gift equally traded, if you do not possess it you can not hope to receive it.

I want to help Matron Ana, though if that help is wanted I will have to ask. She is finding strife with city kind who are not understanding or tolerant of the tribal ways. I was told that there are basic things that should be observed, yet the city kind was unable to tell me what basic things are expected. This is the reason why tribal kinds will not be able to adapt. You can not gain understanding from prejudice. I hope these kinds of interactions is not what got her to this place. Seeing the rest of the world as outsiders, is a harmful view. I do not know if I can make a difference, though as I write this I do not even know what I am doing with myself much less how to help others. [written view below]

[ffxivakyi]

Twenty Fifth Sun of the Fourth Astral Moon

[Varik’s Aether being shredded]

Alright Book, much to say so get ready. The meeting Zasha an I went to was a lot of words an no action. The other would draw out everything he needed to say, like he was trying to tech Zasha how to do what she has been doing for ages. Zasha an I looked at each other, especially when this Male started telling us that as women we would not understand the finer nuances of caring for an inn. We got home early… Book. People need to understand, the worst thing you can do is plan to harm a monster. While Zasha herself is not a monster the powers within her of separate mind are. They should have had this meeting elsewhere, because as soon as the monster learned of what was going on, it had want to destroy Varik.

It was swift wrath, and Varik is only alive because Zasha was able to push it back. I remember seeing him suspended his aether being shredded and pulled away from him. His memories seem to be gone, at least gone to the point to when I first met him, before he had meet his abusive wife in the gang. I think this is good for him, he can start over, finally be whomever he wants without the past holding him back. There is catch Book, he is still  in love with Zasha. I do not know what to do, I will see if time will make things better. I will do as I promised and try to help them be mates. Her curse will end with his death or hers. I have seen the curse, and I now believe it is there, I did not understand before. I had thought she was talking about the monster, now I see the mark, and saw the souls. Book, her blood owes Thal a great debt. If I tell him that his love is foolish because she is cursed, will that land us back were we just were? The Soul does not forget, and he will fight for her. For now things need to settle. Their emotions are far to fresh and raw, I have the note he had written. I do not know the city kind’s rituals but I have seen a ring on a pillow in a bonding ritual.   

I went to the Lavender clinic… and found two of the patents were missing. I tracked them, it was not to hard, seeing Ashia has wounds on her feet. I found their den, and was able to tend to their bandages. I met their matron Ana, and also ran into Savo and Fheyla there in the den. I know I can not stop them from leaving, or even be mad about it. They are of a clan, and the clan should come first. The clan there is much different than the one of my blood, generous, and accepting of Sain. I have seen her wings, I know she is not pure, that her blood is blackened with void.   I did what I remember from my childhood, though rare such non-violent meetings did happen. I think I said the right things, even as Savo suggested I join the clan there. I know it would be hard to understand, a runt would never turn down such an idea. I currently enjoy my freedom, I do not need to overly think about the well of a clan. I worry about my Moon, and my papa, but beyond that I have no responsibilities to anyone.

[ffxivakyi]

Seventeenth sun of the First Umbral Moon

I decided to peek at Ash, he is my blood family. Book, if you do not remember he is Isic’s son. He was in his workshop, a room he got when he came into the House. I know others knew about this before I was told, I know he is afraid of me. Book, i hope perhaps he can be less so. 

He took a break from what he was working on to chat with me. Book, he has such a kind soul, and yet i still see that fire in him. I decided to not talk about Isic, I am not ready to.

Will spoke to me briefly, I know he has to leave for a time. He assured me that he will be alright. I do not know when he will leave but I know it will be for a few Moons. Strangely, the very same night Ana called on me telling me someone was at the den asking for me by name. Book, there are things you can not truly understand, your pages of wood pulp and leather cover can not grasp the meaning behind the subtle shadows. It was a moon before i left Shadow Star trading company when I took Will as an apprentice. I understood that if I want to keep such an art alive, I would need to teach it. I knew he was one who walked in circles I had walked, that I had seen him in such places. Out of respect I did not dig in to his shadows, but he also was not trying to hide it all. The name Cromwell came up a few times, as did his brother’s name. Ana was already put on the defense by him, his answers vague, common for a shadow circle. Once he introduced himself as Cromwell I knew who he was, and why he was here. Will would not leave without someone he trusts keeping tabs.

I vouched for him, and now he is my responsibility, any punishments he earns I will have to endure myself. I know he will not make trouble for me, I am sure half of his assignment is to protect me. I sent him to help me scout, Bat territory is harsh, and the coldest of the blood territories. I do not have many others who i feel can be my eyes, while i trust many of them, I have not tested their ability to travel unseen.

[ffxivakyi]

Eighth sun of the First Umbral Moon

I have been going to the Wolf Den between my ventures out scouting. Book, today has left a sad touch on my heart.

I had my maps out up the steps on the big table, writing notes on what I had seen and where I will look next. Below me I heard someone enter the den, Angel beaten and bruised was taking advantage of the liquor of the den. I hate seeing those I love in pain, I hate seeing loneliness eat away at their soul, I hate seeing the drink I call poison be what they turn to.

He is so lonely, so very lonely. Book I want to hold him tight and make it all go away. It was about the time he said he would cut out his soul and took the knife from his boot did I interfere Book. My heart is just so big, Book, I want to love everyone, no one should be alone.

Silas, someone from Gilded Compass was visiting the next morning. They read listen to the stars and tell fortunes, I found him interesting. Angel had his fortune read, and then he scampered off as soon as I arrived. I am not sure what to think, Ana says that Angel does not want the Blue Wolf to consume my soul. I will let it pass for now, I have much to do.     

I received a letter from Kaz, Book I am thankful for this small piece of parchment. He said he is alive and is taking some time to heal from injury. He does not like the snow, it is dumb and hard to dance in. I feel the weight lifted from my heart, knowing he is alive and thought about me enough to write this letter.

I will be keeping an eye on Angel while I am around.

[ffxivakyi]

Ninth son of the First Astral Moon

Book, it has been a painful and exhausting day.

My day started at Bloom house with Nemo, our normally very lighthearted bard, had put out a request for aid. The Ascian who has taken his sister’s body is out there. He has been looking in to things and, one who reads fate, had told him his soul is free. That he may all she can see should be dead, yet there is an empty place in the sky where his soul should be. Book, some are born with the soul of a maji who came before. That star in the sky plucked by mother moon and reborn. The Ascian wishes to unlock this for itself. I do not believe in fate, so to me the power is not about fate, it is about souls. We learned much, and I was helpful. The Raven’s brand on my arm.. I am haunted and spent much of my day in torment emotionally. I spoke with Sain next, leaving Ruby, Drake’s carbuncle, in my room till I returned to sleep. I had been cuddling it and it has helped me sleep. I spoke to her about the idea of beseech the totems, about attacking The Raven totem directly. I did not know it was taboo, and would bring the wrath of the totems on us. This image, the final sacrifice. The Raven did not show this to me willingly, it was a path I walked past the blood and pain. Past the promises and temptations that called to my soul. Sain has been the first I have told, she is our priestess. If the Watcher can protect our souls.. I have not yet heard the Wolves say who their priest is. I will need to find out who is, if they even have one. Next though I will speak to Ana, and to Wolf Matron tell them what I saw. I am not telling others, there is too much to be lost if they act in foolish panic and haste. Tola told me of something that happened in the war party. How one of the Ravens seemed fixated on her. It is one thing I fear, she is marked for death by Raven. She will be hard to protect in the next war party, she also is our greatest weapon against the Shadow Walkers. Finding the Shaman camp may be our next goal, so we can remove that mark. I remember when I first meet Tola, she has holes in her memory of the attack. Book, I think she had found something, something the Raven wants to keep secret.

Last thing that is heavy on my heart is now Musha has not returned from the War party. I would guess that he is out there in a rampage looking for me. While it is good to have warriors out there making chaos, I do not want him marked. I will be tracking him and bring him home. Book, there is risk in this, as I get closer to the priests, the more likely the Raven will try to over take me again. I will track and hopefully find him quickly.

I slept back in my room with Ruby, I am sure Will will want to check my arms once he finds out about them. I can easily become sick, from this.