#an older brother. uncomplicated loved from his family. innocence.

[magicpiano]

I think there is a missed opportunity with batfam AUs where Bruce finds out about Damian and brings him home way earlier.

Imagine if Damian was brought into the bat family before Jason died, before Tim was Robin. So instead it is Jason Damian tries to kill so he can become Robin. Except, of course, he would be just a little kid. Baby. Only a bit older than a toddler really. It is hard to even be mad about it. Jason finds his stabby assassination attempts kind of cute. Bruce has no idea how to handle this.

[whitemagnolia1]

Delena Fic Rec:

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever posted here lol.

Forever Mine: The night Damon Salvatore met Elena Gilbert changed the course of their destinies forever. But just as the future made itself known, the past caught up with them to destroy it all. Together on the run, Damon finds himself falling for this girl. Hard. But, Damon Salvatore doesn't love and he won't let her change that. No matter how much his soul...his body begs him to give in.

A Woman’s Worth:  AH/AU–Love hurts. This story takes on a literal meaning when Elena is a victim of abuse by her boyfriend. A journey of the silent sufferings of a girl with no one to turn to and unwilling to ask for help. Enters Damon, a social worker determined to rescue a damsel in distress and falling for her along the way. What is he willing to sacrifice in the end to save a girl he loves?

Tomorrow:  Will you be there beside me if the world falls apart? And will all of our moments remain in your heart? Will you be there to guide me all the way through? I wonder will you walk by my side and follow my dreams? With the Nazi reign of terror at its zenith, Damon and Elena form an unlikely friendship in WW2 era Czechoslovakia.

Where the Fireflies Dance: Elena just wants to forget. She moved away for college, and is trying to make a life for herself, when her roommate invites her to her family's ranch for a summer that could change Elena's life. Damon Salvatore is a flirt. But the only girl he's ever really loved is the daughter he's fighting for custody of. Then his sister brings home a friend for summer and everything changes.

Addictions:  When Elenas' life has been consumed by addictions, can anyone save her?- OOC,AU. *WARNING* Story contains strong language, substance abuse, graphic smut/lemons. For mature audiences only. Consider yourself warned.

Breaking Point: Elena wants to learn to fight compulsion. Damon's all-too willing to help, but will either of them be able to deal with the consequences?

Crying Lightening:  "I should have helped her. I should have done something. I deserve this. I deserve to die" - Damon is an 18 year old troubled lost soul with a bad reputation and Elena a 17 year old popular high school student who thought she had everything she ever wanted, that is until she got to know the eldest Salvatore and realizes that life is about more than being crowned Prom Queen! AU R&R

Casually Cruel:  AU/AH/ 'You're different, not the guy I used to know' -Maybe you never really knew me- 'Yes I did'. She knew the depths of his soul, loved and accepted every part of him. Now he's lost and he doesn't think she can find him and she's not sure she wants to.

Someone Like You: You fall in love, get married, fall in love again, get your heart broken. What if it got broken by a heart surgeon that never came back to fix it? Damon/ Elena - AU/AH

Echoes of the past:  Each of us has a past that shapes and defines us. Some pasts are filled with pain and heartache. Can Damon and Elena overcome their pasts to allow themselves a chance at happiness? Or will things from their past resurface to destroy their future? AU/AH Complete!

Forbidden Fruit:  Damon is friends with Grayson Gilbert. When he meets his daughter Elena, sparks fly. Considering the age difference and the fact that she is his friend's daughter, he tries to fight the pull every step of the way. Will he succeed in keeping her at bay?

Held Captive:  My favorite one shot I wrote last year, Re Published into a mini short story. Damon, a notorious War Lord captured the lovely, innocent Elena as part of his war games but things are not as simple as he'd thought. Set in medieval times.

I’d Kill Us Both:  AU/AH For years, Elena has been married to Stefan, but in love with his older brother, Damon, who left for the Marines shortly after the wedding. But now he's back, and not hiding his feelings. Will they finally have the chance to be together? And what if someone from Damon's military past followed him back home, putting them all in danger? Is love worth the risk?

Hopeless:  AU. AH. Elena has found that she likes her older sister Katherine's best friend Damon a lot more than she should. Little does she know he likes her more than he should too. Through the years things start to change between them, but if anyone found out they'd be in big trouble.

A Gentleman’s Agreement:  Possible S4 idea. VampElena has shut herself away from most of her friends, and the Salvatore brothers are at a loss over what to do. She is in for seduction and romance she never saw coming, but sooner or later a choice must be made. COMPLETED.

How Never Became Forever:  Elena's established rules and guidelines for her relationships. She knows how to stay emotionally detached and when to cut the cord. But then she meets Damon, who could potentially change everything. AU. AH.

Kiss Me, Break My Heart:  Elena Gilbert has been in love with her best friend Damon Salvatore for years, but when he asks her to help him win back the woman of his dreams, Elena decides she's had enough. Now Elena wants to move on, but Damon's not making it easy on her. AU/AH

Pretend You Love Me:  While their marriage is falling apart, Damon and Elena must learn to get past their demons or lose each other forever. AH/AU. Officially issuing an angst warning.

Auto In:  AU/AH /Life is wonderfully uncomplicated for Damon Salvatore. Take accident claims as a call center rep by day, charm his way into a new bed each night. Go to work, drink with friends, sex. Simple and straightforward and fun. Until a coworker, Elena Gilbert, makes him question whether some things are worth changing for. But is he the only one who needs to let go of a previous life?

Locked In a Loveless Marriage:  When Elena asks Damon Salvatore for a loan, he agrees on the condition that she marries him. What happens when she finds herself falling in love with a man who has told her he will never love her? AU. All human.

A Hymn For The Broken: AU Elena is a novelty. The only female werewolf to ever exist. She tries to stray away from the past, that turned her into a monster, but a string of grisly murders threaten, and she is called back home. Once reconnected with the Pack, and an old flame, Elena finds herself torn between two worlds. The normal life she'd made for herself, and the call of the wolf inside.

Physical Attraction, Chemical Reaction:  It all started with a night of hot sex. Where things could go from there to Elena and Damon? Could they fall for each other although they don't believe in love anymore? AU/AH

Never Break the Rules:  Handsome and tough, he had always done what needed to be done. He was supposed to be her knight in shining armour. He just never expected to be the one who needed to be saved… Ignoring swarming butterflies. Brushing off skipped heartbeats. Settling on lingering stares. Rules were never meant to be broken. What if there was a love that could break all the rules?

Love Lessons:  New to Mystic Falls High, Damon Salvatore is both excited and horrified to find he is falling in love with his student, Elena Gilbert. But what happens when they overstep the boundaries, and their friends and enemies discover their illicit secret?

Death is Just a Feeling:  "This life will be good and beautiful but not without heartbreak. In death comes peace, but pain is the cost of living. Like love, it's how we know we're alive." – Elena Gilbert ***HAPPY BIRTHDAY Short on words***

The End of Paralysis:  Enter Elena Gilbert, 24, hardworking, lovely, and insatiably in love with her long time best friend, Damon Salvatore. Can she make him see that they belong together? Delena. AH/AU.

Lucky 13:  AU/AH: Mistaken for a glamorous, selfish woman named Katherine Salvatore, the badly injured Elena finds that plastic surgery has given her Katherine's face, the famos Damon Salatore for a husband and a powerful dynasty for in-laws.

It’s A Boy Girl Thing:  Based off the movie with the same name, an ancient curse is awakened and cast upon Elena and Damon. The results cause them to switch bodies, waking the next day in the body of not only the opposite sex, but the last person they ever wanted to switch bodies with. A hilarious battle of the sexes ensues, but eventually they wonder if they'll ever get their own body back. ALL HUMAN D/E

Somebody I Used To Know:  Grieving the sudden death of their parents, Damon and Elena are forced to face their past choices and mistakes. Take a wild a journey through 20 years of their lives...together, apart and everything in between.

Sweet and Sexy Mistakes:  An expert on the dynamics between men and women, Damon Salvatore knows his uptight new publicist could use his help getting a date. The only problem is, the more time he spends with her, the more he realizes he doesn't want her dating anyone but him!

To Save A Sinner:  AU/AH: Damon Salvatore, the new star swimmer and transfer student at MFU, befriends the dark and mysterious Elena Gilbert, a girl the rest of Mystic Falls considers crazy. When he discovers the deep, haunting secrets she keeps from the world, can he handle the truth or will it cost him his heart and even possibly, his sanity?

Through The Ghost:  Damon, a carefree soldier & Elena, a no-nonsense physical therapist at an Army base met under ordinary circumstances. Stuck between attraction and resistance, they struggled to define their relationship until fate made the decision for them. 4 years later a heartbroken Elena battles to make good on a promise when she discovers nothing but the shell of the only man she's ever loved.

Maybe Less, Maybe a Little More:  Vampire Damon and Human Elena meet in a snowstorm. He wants to kill her and she is instantly attracted to him. What will happen over the next ten years? Fic for the A2A x-mas exchange. Non-canon, Oneshot, Delena endgame, rated M for sexual content and some gore. ENJOY THE DRAMA MYLOVES! :D

Do You Believe In Angels:  "Damon?" She asked. He looked at her, waiting. She took a shaky breath, "Do you believe in angels?" "No," he said, "Not anymore." . . AH/AU: Two children with tragic pasts meet at a refuge. Hurt and alone, they clinge to each other to survive. This is their story, and everyone involved along the way.

Alcohol:  Damon's drunk and she looks like Katherine. Elena's drunk and he smells like Stefan.

Memory Serves:  Elena accidentally asks for her soul mate. What happens when magic delivers 1864 Human Damon? How will the Vampire Salvatore brothers deal? Vampire Damon is tortured by intimate memories of Elena. He feels so close yet far away from her. AU1x14 - COMPLETE -

Desperate Love:  A whole different version of Season 4, without sire bonds or dead brothers. A meditation on the nature of love, free will and morality in an imperfect world, through: suspense, romance, steam, angst, and friendship. Tons of Delena as well as Stefan/Caroline/Klaus, Jeremy and Ric, too. Lemons!

The Valentine’s Day Corruption of Damon Salvatore:  This is my fic in response to the prompt by Ciara 2531 for the A2A Valentine Exchange on Live Journal. As always, it's rated M for a reason...

The Best Man: Damon and Elena meet at a wedding, which ends hotter than anyone would have thought.

Insanity Is Beautiful:  They called him crazy, insane even. People feared him and avoided him at any cost, even in the asylum. So what is Dr. Elena Gilbert supposed to do when she not only takes this insane monster as a patient, but falls in love with him, and him with her? (this one is only this low on the list because it’s incomplete)

[amereicaron]

the courts offer bread and salt to AMEREI CARON of HOUSE CARON. many say that the THIRTY year old LADY of NIGHTSONG is known to be ADAPTABLE and PERSUASIVE, though ill tongues whisper that SHE is CONNIVING and VAIN. when her name is uttered , one is reminded of a caged nightingale singing without an audience, a golden wedding band worn on a long chain, the feeling of raindrops heavy on porcelain skin. may she be blessed and protected in this war of crowns. 

Y’all are probably SICK of me by now but this is Shay again with number 3! More info under the cut. 

TW: death (drowning, poison, sickness) and murder

Amerei is a daughter from House Caron, an ancient noble house from the marches of The Stormlands. The Carons are well-known for producing warriors and musicians, and Amerei, or Ami as she is known to those closest to her, falls into the latter category. Their ancestral home, Nightsong, is well positioned to defend the Southern kingdom from any threats from Dorne, as it has done for centuries. 

Ami cares little for all that. Her family are held in good stead in the Stormlands, and that is good enough for her. She has always been a vain little creature, concerned with raising her status in life and little else. 

She has always hid her desires well, under a mask of faux-innocence. From a young age, it became apparent she was going to be beautiful, but nobody predictive the steely interior that lay beneath. Ami carefully cultivated an unimposing, humble external approach to the world, successfully hiding the skilled manipulations occuring underneath. Adaptable and resourceful, she knows how to reach others well, and how to use this to her advantage. 

 By the time she came of marrying age, there was no shortage of suitors for Ami. She was an attractive prospect for a bride, and many lords of the stormlands sought to web her to their sons. By the time she was 18, her father had made a match, and Ami was sent to be married. 

Ami was head over heels for her first husband. From the moment they met, she was smitten, and she married him gladly. Two years of bliss followed, but it wasn’t to last. Whilst travelling, her husband’s ship was besieged by a storm and sank. There were no survivors, and his body was never recovered. 

Now aged 20, and nursing a broken heart, Ami was returned to Nightsong, her wedding ring on a chain around her neck rather than on her finger where it once belonged. Still young, and not yet a mother, there was no doubt that another match could be found swiftly. Before she had even had time to recover, she was wed to her second husband. 

Unlike her first love, her second husband was a cold and cruel man. There was no adoration between he and Ami, and he made this clear both in private and public. Unable to mourn the way she wished to, and unable to create the illusion of perfection she had been cultivating all her life, Ami struggled for a further three years before it became clear that things weren’t to get better. 

No children had come from the union- she had spent the last few years doing everything she could to prevent it. This kept things relatively uncomplicated. Ami knew what she needed to do, and knew that she had precious little options. At 23, she was a widow once more, this time by her own hand. All it took was a few drops of poison in her husband’s evening wine. 

It was harder now to find a match. Still young, still lovely, but a widow twice-over and with no proven fertility, there were far fewer lords clamouring over themselves to wed the beauty of House Caron. Her brother was lord now, with less clout than their father had possessed before him. Still, in due course, a third groom was found. She was 25 now, and preyed that this marriage would not be like the last. 

Ami’s prayers were answered. Her third husband was kind and just, and treated her well. She didn’t love him, and knew he didn’t love her, but the longer she got to know the man he was, the fonder she became. 

When he was taken by a brief, but violent sickness, Ami genuinely grieved. However, this wasn’t just for the husband she had lost, and the potential future that had slipped from her grasp once more, but because she knew that with each marriage, the prospect of another chance became more and more unlikely. She was 28 now. She knew that her looks had yet to leave her, but she was growing older, and there were other Stormland girls who were more youthful and just as beautiful as she, with far less of a history. 

Ami knew being thrice-widowed was not going to look good, but she couldn’t have predicted just how deeply it would ruin her. Throughout the Southern Kingdom, rumours swirled of the widowed witch of House Caron, who had cursed three husbands to their doom and sacrificed their newborn children to the evil in the shadows. It was preposterous, of course, but Ami couldn’t help but think she had earned it. After all, she had killed, and wasn’t sorry. The perfect veneer she had created for herself was truly cracked, and it seemed that there was no way to repair that now. 

It’s been two years since the demise of her third husband, and with each passing year, it seems even less likely that another marriage will come to pass. Rumours persist, and Ami does all she can to make those who whisper behind her back forget , using honeyed words and feminine wiles to change opinions one by one. It’s a fruitless task, but it’s all she can do now. 

POTENTIAL CONNECTIONS

The only ideas I have right now are for the family of any of her former husbands, so if there are any deceased men in your muses’ backstories HMU! But I am open to any ideas from anybody who would like to plot! 

[heartxshaped-bruises]

a matter of perception.

RULES: Answer the following question about your muse. Repost, don’t reblog! TAGGED BY: snatched from dash TAGGING: @vitrexanima  @ask-thedepressedkidatthetable  @formuseskies  @exs-et-ohs  @okayyeahsurewhynotcool  @the-last-of-the-hellhounds  @icameasiam  @brokenblondeprincess  and everyone who wants to!

Davey Detten

What would someone think about your muse upon seeing them for the first time? Are their thoughts close to the truth? Would they like to get to know them?

They’d think that he’s nervous and somehow insecure. In reality, he’s just a little antsy and always needs to busy either his hands or legs, but he doesn’t notice that anymore. They’d want to figure out why he comes off as insecure but when they’d hear that he’s actually fine they wouldn’t be overly interested in him. Rather neutral.

How would someone who had never met your muse before, and only heard of them through other people think of them? How would they have heard about them in the first place?

They’d find it hard to believe think that his behavior could’ve slipped his parents if they heard / read in the news paper about the locker incident and the following tragedy. They picture him as a stereotypical, quiet loner without any friends who wanted attention, some sort of douchebag or creep who talks back at teachers and parents.

How do their friends and/or admirers feel about them? What do they like?

They’d think that Davey can be a little exhausting in many ways. They like him because he’s a funny, kind-hearted guy but his obtrusiveness can be a bit too much. They like that he genuinely cares and is there when they need him. He’s very soft with people he holds dear.

How does their immediate family or someone very close feel about them?

His parents hardly pay attention to him but if they do, they only see the negative things. He’s sloppy and exhausting with his habits, doesn’t fit into their idea of an orderly household because he lacks focus and discipline. They feel like he doesn’t listen to them and doesn’t care enough. He always seems to ask for things without being entitled to ask for them because he doesn’t do anything to earn them.

While his parents want him to put more effort into everything, his brother’s more tolerant and wants to encourage him in making a progress. But Kurt does have his own standards that he values and in the end, takes th side of their parents bc he thinks that Davey doesn’t even want to improve. He loves him but thinks that he’s a hopeless case and prefers to focus on things that are important to him.

Who antagonizes, competes, challenges or bullies your muse? Why so? What do possible enemies see in them?

Some peers at school make fun of his learning difficulties and also find his overly eager and clingy attempts to make friends weird. He’s giving them a lot of handy attack points and feel encouraged bc he doesn’t talk back. They often try how much they need to push him until he responds the way they want. 

How do authority figures like teachers or a boss in direct control over your muse see them? Does everyone feel the same way or are there exceptions?

Some particular teachers of Davey believe that the part of his school work that’s below-average isn’t due to his learning and focussing difficulties, but to laziness and unwillingness. For them it’s hard to imagine that his parents would allow him to be that half-hearted if they draw a comparison to his two brothers. Kurt was always a poster child of a student and Cody’s also following that path. The majority doesn’t buy that the Dettens don’t require the same for the middle-child.

On the other hand, both his English and Sports teachers know that he does need a plan to tackle the obstacles and try to help him.

How do their co-workers feel about them? Is it difficult to work with them or not?

Davey’s co-workers at the pet cemetery think he’s a nice guy. Sometimes he talks too much, especially about random stuff, but he’s uncomplicated to work with.

What would someone who was deeply in love with your muse say? What made them fall in love? Any appealing or annoying quirks, did they get what was expected?

A lover would’ve fallen in love with his gentleness and how caring Davey is. They’d say that when they’re with him he’s always trying to make them laugh, even fi he’s having a bad day. Sometimes he doesn’t understand everything they’re telling him, but he always listens. He looks a little older than he is but his mentality is far more pure and innocent than other teenager’s about his age. He’s not as mature as he appears to be at first, that can be seen as either positive or negative.

Who does your muse see when they look in the mirror? Do they like what they see? How much is their opinion affected by others around them?

Davey is very aware that he’s a big, walking construction side. And in his opinion, he’s already trying his best to work on it but it often slips him again bc he has a thousand other things in his head. He doesn’t feel like he’s being taken serious by anyone. He likes the way he his but feels often insecure and clueless when it comes to his family and how to please them. He doesn’t want them to make him loathe who he is just bc he doesn’t fit their expectations.

Imagine someone standing upon your recently deceased muse’s headstone. How would they feel about them? Would they say any words? Regret something? Would their opinion change after their death?

If I imagine a fellow peer from the school band, they’d probably change their opinion. They would recall how nice they thought Davey was, a little quirky but nice. They may have deemed him to be suicidal at first but then made up their mind to think that nobody who’s suicidal would’ve set the whole house on fire while his family was present. And they’d feel bitter about him having set his locker on fire. they’d treat it as a proof that he wanted to hurt people and hence was a nutcase.

How do you as the writer feel about your muse, not as a muse but a person? What would you do if you met them? Would you like to meet them at all and would you get along? Are you even alike?

Davey means well but he‘s very clutzy. He’s a very nice guy but I probably would feel alienated by his invasiveness if I didn’t know him yet. I’d like that he’s not a couch potato and is mostly outdoors, I’d also dig that he plays the drums but I think he’d like me more than I’d like him because he’s not as mature as he could be for his age and also not reliable. He doesn’t do it on purpose but if he wouldn’t listen to me if I told him about something, I’d feel pissy. I also don’t like it when people I don’t trust touch me too much.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON INDIGO’S LEAD VOCAL LEE HANBIN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: Acting

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): snow prince (mainly for his complexion, though it became more common after a fantaken picture during a snow day became popular among indigo fans), peach boy or simply peach (for his complexion and naturally rosy lips, as well as his exaggerating his love for peaches in attempts to land himself a pretty nickname during debut promotions), german shepherd (for his acute ability to recognize people and some objects by their scent). INSPIRATION: the only motivation he had to consider a career under the spotlights was his mother, and the ungodly thirst for adoration he had inherited from her. the only encouragement he needed to audition for an entertainment company and take whatever he was given was his mother, and the endless support she provided even when bedridden, faced with the limits of her own mortality. the only passion he found in the aftermath of a tragedy was his mother, and the memory of her love of old hollywood and gut-wrenching endings. SPECIAL TALENTS:

lethal ttakbam: hanbin’s ttakbam skills are known to be powerful enough to crack walnuts

dog nose: hanbin can identify people, especially bandmates, by their scent.

NOTABLE FACTS:

he participated in swimming and judo competitions between the ages of 10 and 15, has won 2 bronze medals for swimming, 2 silver medals and 1 gold medal for judo.

he is a theatre major at sungkyunkwan university, though his studies have been on hold since re:group.

although he doesn’t showcase this ability in variety shows, hanbin’s pretty good at doing korean and foreign accents.

there’s a 7 year age gap between him and his older brother. 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

five years into their debut, indigo remains hanbin’s best bet. he knows his effort now should focus primarily on the group, they’re not in a position to snub the gust of luck blown their way since re:group. second chances don’t come easy. it sits just fine with him, as the new direction the group has taken relies on his strengths and potential. the momentum has pushed him on the path to an actual acting career, so he milks the opportunities for all they’re worth. for now, he double teams.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

hanbin needs independence. he doesn’t want to rely on any name that isn’t his own, he doesn’t want to make a living borrowing chances that can slip from his fingers at any given time. he wants his name to be the first one on posters, typed in bold on the big screen. the future hanbin has in mind is one of major pictures, layered characters and his face setting it all in motion. one day, he’ll play solo.

IDOL IMAGE

hanbin’s image changed not with time, but with the status he pursued.

when he debuted, he was rosy cheeks and honey gazes. soft spoken and clumsy, not too far from his daily life persona. he edits himself, highlights everything his company deemed charming and cut out the bad parts. no one can love a boy brimming with self doubt and obsession. they love the prince made of snow that smiles charmingly at the camera. they love the gap of his appearance and his clumsy hands and gawky stance that made his dance line awkward in a way that wasn’t entirely unattractive.

his market appeal is innocence, one less infantile than it is idealized, too beautiful to be true. they prefer it when he tones down his busan accent and speaks softer, which he can do well. they prefer it when he’s soft and easy, which he can’t do as well, but there aren’t other options. what the company wants is what the company projects onto him in post, and he just needs to learn to settle for it if he doesn’t want to be edited clean out from the final cut.

he is meant to be simple and sweet, and he believed there were worse roles to play.

but when indigo is reworked, he is given the opportunity to mix a little depth into the single dimension of niceties he used to be meant to embody.

to the innocent smoothness, he adds a distinguished coolness. his smiles are no longer desperate to be praised, he expects them to stand out. he remains sweet and charming, but now the interest no longer comes out of his clumsiness or lovable choreography mistakes, as there barely is any choreography to be spoken of anymore. the enticement comes from the subtle maturity of his stance. he could never pull off idol-sexy, but he can set his shoulders back and tip his head well enough to exude a sex appeal that promises there’s more to him than a handsome face.

IDOL HISTORY

             — DRAFT 1. REFERENCES.

it starts with mother. the simplistic reality of that never goes understated, a perfectly adequate foreword to what becomes of hanbin. but it’s true that it begins with her moonlit eyes and warm hands, the laughter of his brother ringing distant in the room, and tv static.

her family thought of her as dreamer, but hanbin remembers his mother as ambitious. highly pragmatic, dangerously indulgent, focused. she enjoyed nice things and she wanted more of them, but there wasn’t anything remotely idealistic about the hunger she carried behind her easy smile that was so often derisively complimented as handsome. anyone of less kind disposition would say she smoked like a man, drank like a man, thought like a man. a great beyond was a nice talk to talk, but she could never resist the allure of comfort.

if that isn’t what makes big-headed girls like her settle, pretend they are head-deep into a love that takes no checks, cash only.

so she strapped alongside the bank manager ten years older than her that would father her two sons. if she was charisma and liberty, he was nothing more than a conservative bore, his two heels so grounded to firm earth he never moved out of the spot. it was home to work and work to home, and a visit to the parents on the weekends. fun was only ever mandatory, a bare minimum abiding by his final say.

he decided, she endured. the rules of the perfect marriage.

             — DRAFT 2: BONES.

caught between the parents in a house that always felt decades older than its walls aged, the lee boys had to find space for themselves. hanbin always thought junhong had it easier as the first-born. he knew how to deal with his parents, he knew how to talk to people. everything seemed perfectly uncomplicated to him. he could fill his time with friends and the outside world that hanbin was so curious about.

from the very beginning, hanbin was the undeniable black sheep. his health was poor in the formative years of his life, which put his mother on his heels for most of his childhood lest any of his allergies would have him killed before he could reach double digits in age. he barely had an immune system, any common cold would leave him bedridden for days. but that wasn’t all.

his delicate condition made it hard for him to connect to his peers right when children are supposed to develop these skills, which put him under his mother’s wing for most of the affection and sociability he would be getting for most of his years. but that wasn’t all.

his father resented him for his weakness and his medical bills. he didn’t exactly bother to mask his impatience, never censoring himself before ranting about how much keeping his son alive cost him, like hanbin was responsible for it. worse, like his mother was responsible for it. what they say about spoiled offspring – if there’s something wrong with the bitch, there’s something wrong with the pup.

the fights escalated from occasional to daily. hanbin would often catch a waft of a strong, foul scent from his mother’s coffee cup when she fed him his medication before school. he didn’t remember seeing his father without the tension on his jaw or the frown between his eyes.

and he sat wedged between them, bound by his feet. a martyr of his own body.

             — DRAFT 3: SON.

when he turned seven, his health took a turn for the better. one by one, his allergies started receding, he grew some muscle between the lot of skin and bones.

while he lived in hermitage, his parents tried to have him take part in monitored activities that could fill his time outside school. sometimes he felt like they just needed to have a few hours away from him. ironically, those only come to fruition after the illness fades. he improves in piano once the lessons don’t have to be taken in his house, at his father’s old keyboard, where his mother could hover around, peering over the teacher’s shoulder. piano used to only be another frustration that he had to get out of the way to make it through the day, but going to the conservatory for lessons gives him a confidence he hadn’t known before, a need to prove himself to the eyes from every corner.

that’s what eggs him on to ditch the therapeutic swimming sessions to do competitive training. that and all of the energy that suddenly is coursing in his blood, making him thrum with a vitality that felt new and foreign and odd under his skin. he’s doctor explains it’s the iron that he had his body used to lack, but it feels like fireworks and three glasses of chocolate milk at one in the morning.

it’s enough to get his father off his case, maybe occasionally going as far as to seem pleased. he himself had been successful enough in baseball to land a college scholarship back in his day. junhong was in a junior soccer league, so he could get used to having athletes for both sons, pass the baton. it was about putting up the trophy shelf and taking pictures at the podiums.

his mother dances to the blues he strings out of the keyboard on late afternoons, her lean, bowed arms drenched in the pinks and oranges of the sunset peeking through the kitchen window.

he knows whose pride and joy he wants to be.

             — DRAFT 4: BLUR.

if he wasn’t ready for the energy flooding through him at nine, he doesn’t know what to do with all the anger biting at his gut at thirteen. the world fades to a sanguine blur, and he just knows he wants out. out of music, out of swimming, out of school. out of his house, that became somehow more crowded after junhong enlisted for mandatory service. all his parents seem to do is yell. at each other, at neighbors, at him – it doesn’t much matter. they don’t need much of a reason to pull when their finger never leaves the trigger.

his father has a way of ruining things, everything has to become torture for him to be satisfied. that’s what life is. hanbin can’t do anything but watch as his father turns what is meant to be a hobby into the sad corner of the trophy shelf, all bronze next to the golden cups his brother had gathered. quitting is a fight that breaks furniture and drags out into the dead of the night, and no allowance until hanbin is convinced to go back to competing. his last stand of defiance is switching sports, but he knows that’s a war his father has won.

he doesn’t remember anything outside the training rooms and the competitions. the only thing he hates more than competing is being forced to compete, but at least judo becomes an outlet. junhong makes it less miserable on the weekends he returns home, though those are fleeting graces. he spends his teens like a worker in the mine, sacrificing too much of his life for a sliver of gold.

when he gets it, he quits.

when he gets it, the life goes out of his mother’s eyes, terror flashing in their pale glint as her knees give.

             — DRAFT 5: TRIAL.

at the moment of hanbin’s audition for msg entertainment, his mother is back in busan, on her fourth chemotherapy session. he smiles for the testing camera as he introduces himself, uncharacteristically calm, but it looks good on the frame. it’s becoming, suitable. one of the judges says he speaks as pretty as he looks.

he had been there for the first three sessions, tagging alongside the nurses as they checked her stats and replaced the needles. he asks stupid questions, but they’re patient enough to answer them, if a little begrudgingly. they do tell his mother she’s very lucky to have a son like him before they leave the room, and she puts on a proud smile on chapped lips, radiating.

he has her picture as the screensaver on phone, she had sent it right before leaving for the hospital, the morning of his audition.

this is his second audition to an idol company, so he feels a little bit more at ease than he did at midas. he prepares two songs: that i once was by your side, so he could rely on his piano skills rather than his immature singing, a trick that had almost gotten him through the cut at his first audition; and solo day by solstice, a nod to the company’s legacy which thankfully showcases his potential as an idol much better than his butchering of gemini that cost him his spot the last time.

the judges aren’t overly impressed, but the air in the room is light, he can feel a certain warmth as they thank him for his time and instruct him where to wait until the result is announced.

his performance is better than it was the last time around, but the real difference, he thinks, is his poise. a part of him is proud to convey more charm than the did the last time around, and hoped it would pay off.

his mother had told him to get the fuck out of the house as soon as he could, like she had done. his life is far too precious, she tells him, to be wasted away pleasing someone as daft as his father. she knows he wants more out of his time than be a shadow of a man past his prime.

they ask him what makes him want to become an idol, and he understands they want something flowery, palatable.

“get something done”, is her advice. “don’t make money. well”, she adds quickly, a moment of confusion between the loving mother and the worldly woman. “do make money. but don’t live to make money, live for something.”

he doesn’t want to just do a job, he wants to become something – isn’t that what being an idol is all about?

              — DRAFT 6: REDACTED.

seventeen months are put into building hope.

he learns, to his dismay, that being a trainee is a lot less glamorous than he imagined. there aren’t even many bragging rights involved once he transfers to a school full of other trainees. it’s mostly just more homework, but he takes to dancing and singing better than he does to studying.

he learns he’s more adaptable than he had given himself credit for, which comes as a surprise. in training rooms, he can come out of his shell and dare say out loud what he wants. he gives advice and receives criticism, meets many limits that he has a hard time pushing. but he adapts.

he learns he can have expectations.

he learns that, once broken, faith takes the soul out of you. the two days he takes off from training, to prepare and carry out with the funeral, are spent confabulating a grand escape. it’s a weekend, it’s the perfect time to disappear. run away from his aunt’s house, never give his father an explanation, leave town, leave the country. leave everything behind until it stops hurting, leave his body behind too, if that’s what it takes.

he learns he can’t forget a promise. the last ten months it takes him to debut aren’t made of the same hope he had carried in the peak of his adolescence, but it’s the only he has left to stay in place and be the person he swore he would become.

             — FINAL DRAFT: DOUBLE.

the much awaited glamour does come after debut, but it isn’t as they paint it on magazines and music shows. an idol has to be good at putting on the glitz, fit the happy smile and the alluring wink and the unexpected joke into the right places. the glitz is all about the rosy filter that washes out the feeling out of everything: smile at success, smile at mediocrity, smile at failure, smile at sales figures and chart positions and concert tickets, smile at fear, smile at the unshakeable sensation you have wasted your life away in a lie that was marketed to you, smile at the abyss. isn’t this what you wanted?

life with indigo isn’t made of a whole bunch of success, but there is the glamour. the sad beauty in being a failure at nineteen, the fatalistic allure of having no way out. he suffers, but he does it beautifully, with a touch up on his nose and fuller lips. he fails so well that a drama role is passed by enough actors ends up landing on his lap.  

the experience teaches him that failing in a drama is a considerably better than failing as an idol. the drama pales in comparison to the competition and the career actors involved would hardly mention it among their accomplishments once they’re no longer contractually required to promote it, but it’s huge for hanbin. he feels, for the first time, like he’s on the radar.

that puts him at an odd place with his company. it’s not common for a rookie idol to get actor’s disease from a small role in a failed drama, his manager jokes, loud enough so anyone can hear in the hallway. they both know that it’s not what that is about, this is about hanbin struggling to survive and his company pulling him to the rock bottom in a sea of legalities, fine letters.

the news of his company rejecting a role for him reaches him before he can hear what the role is even for. they clip his wings and keep him in the basement, waiting further instructions, as he should. the few fans wonder why he hasn’t been discussing an acting comeback if indigo won’t make a return as a group - some don’t even know he’s in indigo.

all doubt seems to clear when the group is announced for re:group, a second chance at making an idol group functional again.

he plays it like a role, makes a character for himself - passionate, heated but collected, charming. he isn’t the center of attention, eyes set on a prize beyond momentary popularity, but he’s up there. he doesn’t do a whole lot of wacky fanservice or wink prettily for the cameras, but he does enough to be back on the radar.

success fits him tight, wears him like a glove. a part of him revels in complaining about having too much work to do, savors the sleepless shifts to make up for all the nights he had spent awake wondering what would become of him. a part of him delves into the thick of it and reaches for more, hellbent on climbing further up until it’s only him on the podium, gold on his neck again.

but his body is made of memory, and he can’t drink himself enough on the high of triumph to let himself forget. he wishes he could, sometimes. he wishes he could forget his mother’s hands, bony and tiny around his, lips held tight despite her exhaustion as the nurses pulled and shoved needles into her. he wishes he could forget he doesn’t want to become his work. he wishes he could embody ambition with grace and bloody teeth, but god, he doesn’t want to eat himself alive again.