#amos heart eyes 😍 for holden being holden

[always-tilting-at-windmills]

Yes! The “Make a family” theme was so strong in the finale - with heartache from known & unexpected sacrifices.

The crew swap of Karal & Sergei was always going to be...and eye for an eye. Collateral damage. Tragic for Sergei, but all the Belters knew that was obviously a risk. The bigger shock was the Poly split, it made me furious.

As the audience we’ve seen Drummer since her involvement & impact steadily growing. So, my trust in her judgment & her heart is phenomenal.

I want Drummer to be happy, but most of all I want her to be herself. And this was peak brilliant Drummer.

Because Drummer is a brilliant Captain and she did everything to the best of her abilities to spare life on both sides. That is the leader you want, not someone complicit with Marcos rules.

So, if you can’t see the marvelousness of Drummer. Get the f*ck out. You aren’t worthy of her. That means you are okay with slaughtering innocent people, it means you are too meek to fight for anyone but yourself. It means you hide behind excuses.

Maybe next season the Poly family can reunite, but I’m appalled at those that left and not seeing the bigger picture...why Drummer had to do what she did.

Naomi proved her brilliance time, time again. She was willing to sacrifice her life, unequivocally to prevent further death & destruction.

Like Drummer she kept the death to a minimum, only Alex’s stroke being the consequence of her rescue. And he knew that risk. He had been a pilot all his life, flown countless Military missions. It was a call he answered, similarly to Naomi to atone for abandoning his wife & child. If he can save his Roci, family it is worth it.

And Timmy Amos, the family ties are epic. Because what does he know of family? No father, barely remembers his mother and then only Lydia in the background. But, from the broken chards of his human trafficking abusive child molesting Baltimore crime syndicate life, he has risen.

Amos is a Phoenix. He was beautiful to watch, so antsy for the Roci to dock. Even before the episode aired I was caught up thinking about how easy interacting with Erich was for him. He didn’t hesitate, didn’t delay. He understood that world view. He was confident.

That is not how he is with “normal” people. On the Roci, Amos stands out as at best awkward, or as Miller so succinctly put it, “A trigger happy wack job” ....😳

So, for Amos to choose the path that he isn’t good at - but - is good for him - life on the Roci. Is so beautiful. Brave. Bold. Epic.

And one of my favorite things is how Amos can read and understand Holden. Because he struggles with body language, nuanced & guarded behavior. But, Holden is an open book emotional, broadcasting to the Sol system. And not only can Amos read him, he can trick him. Omg. That is true love too, to trust that much. For such a huge favor. But, then again Holden barely falters even at seeing Clarissa. It is all about redemption. Growth. The humanity to do better, be better. To change. 😍

And the final scene was absolutely fantastic, a total Holden called it. That scene with Fred in 5x01! Told ya so moment. He has felt the Builders anger going through the ring, Elvi did too. So, it’s not a question of 1400 planets with new real estate, it’s what wiped out life, a whole civilization on 1400 planets. The season 5 finale to me echoed each previous finale, especially seasons 2 & 3!

Bravo!

The Expanse - 5x10 Finale!

What a loaded episode I cried so hard throughout I didn’t know what to expect in any of the scenes. Spoilers.

Where to start agh. Okay beginning with the rescue Naomi operation. For the past 3 episodes whilst watching I would constantly say to myself why doesn’t she just jump out of the ship with her suit on like Diogo being on the float a few seasons ago but I came to the conclusion that she didn’t have an oxygen tank and would suffocate like when she walks out of the main room into the corridor.

Well, thats exactly what happened. Turns out she could jump out but she had barely any oxygen. But wow that shot focusing solely on Naomi’s face got me. Hearing the thud and Bobbie’s voice I felt like Naomi and started sobbing so ridiculously. I couldn’t believe she was actually being saved. Since she left the Pella I slowly began thinking there was no way to save her from this situation but she did it with her intellect and her belter signals. I’m so proud of Naomi so so proud.

Then as everything does, it immediately became bittersweet. I wondered why Alex wasn’t responding to Bobbie and oh my god he stroked out. Bobbie even warned him of it earlier in the sequence and cue me crying even harder. Rest in Peace Alex Kamal. I am very sad that he didn’t even get to fly the Roci once this season before passing and he will always be our Rocinante Pilot. But Amos was right that was the way he would have wanted to go, fighting for his family. I knew Naomi would feel guilty about it because he died saving her but he knew the cost.

Focusing on the Roci crew, we got our reunion! Only half happy of course but (omg im gonna cry whilst writing this) Amos waiting on Luna for the Roci to land and for his family to return bitch my emotions. GONE. We love a found and reunited family. Speaking of family, Amos almost tricking Jim into having to be okay with Clarissa joining the ship was hilarious I loved it.

Backtracking a bit, DRUMMER. My love. Okay, I was worried truly. I didn’t know what was gonna happen. But yay no space battle between my faves found here. Drummer took her gun back and took control she said no more and yes Karal is dead. She messed with the wrong crews. It sucks the Belter fam are broken up now but I think this season really was about home, family, and letting people make their own decisions from Naomi talking about leaving Marco and what that cost her, then Jim not stopping Naomi from leaving to find her son, to the Belter fam leaving each other because their ideals don’t match anymore even if they love each other. whew. heavy.

So much else happened in the little cracks! The Baltimore crew made it to Luna okay, Chrisjen is Secretary-General again, Jim’s family are all alive and going to Luna, the protomolecule sample made its way through the Ring - to the Martians - to a new system and planet - and they’re messing with shit they don’t understand.

Lastly, they showed in that final moment the “creators” of the Ring are fucking pissed they look angrier than ever with that giant Barkeith ship crossing through one of the gates, I can already tell next season is going to deal with that along with Marco and I cannot wait.

That has been a very emotional and heavy, family-focused season of The Expanse and I have loved it. I can only hope Season 6 is filmed safely and is back before I know it.

[always-tilting-at-windmills]

The “gentle” 360 whiplash is one of my favorite moments! The Amos stare ties into the mimic, which ties into the theme of touch between them. All my favorite angles!

Because he time & time again will say, “I’m not sorry” like with Semy or to Monica or even with Charles in 5x02. But with Holden, he is sorry. 😭

Amos WTF + Let Me Love You 😍

Because it’s their eye contact- how do you do it?! Eventually it becomes less awe and just acceptance.

Like Wei’s: What is he doing?

Amos: Being him - and the heart eyed stare at Holden. The admiration.

But it’s mutual - Holden’s walking through the camp yelling, “AMOS” gives me life!

Anyway.....

*Amos looks to Holden for guidance and Holden looks to Amos for honesty.*

{They are both strangely fascinated, annoyed & horrified by the other! Holden’s heart on his sleeve, Amos’ and his brutal truth bombs! In the cheese scene in 2x01 I think it’s really the first time on a level playing field that Amos looks to him for how should I react when Miller arrives. Holden’s expression clearly tells him. They have exchanged a lot of back & forth looks before, but always under pressure....when survival was the goal. This is the first mellow moment. The start of Holden being the Captain. And Amos knowing Naomi doesn’t want him to pick her first, she doesn’t want the job. It’s a shift. And it’s so seamless. So, much is accomplished in that brief scene.

-insert chef’s kiss 💋 here-

*Amos can be relied on to not let his heart or feelings influence a situation- and Holden doesn’t know how to do that.*

{*This made me flail like an inflatable big armed tube man!)

Because it is so true. Holden can’t do that. (And he admires that in Amos. He can always find something positive right?) There is no off button for his feelings! It is a constant vey consistent nervous cascade. He gets in way over his head, time and time again. Chasing those windmills!

But I think Amos buzzes with a kind of constant white noise, blocking his past memories, trauma, staying vigilant. So, they both have these pressing forces driving them - and opposites attract! They are drawn to each other. Amos seems to see Holden as someone that has weaponized kindness- that is his strength. And kindness was never a strength before that.

*He cares about Holden in a way I don’t think he’s ever felt- not even for Naomi.*

{Yes!} Again with the flailing.

Holden is a game changer. I love the way Amos watches him react. He knows it’s bad - but can’t *feel* it’s bad like the way Holden does.

The empathy is missing in Amos’ reaction. And watching Alex or Naomi, they have subtle and nuanced reactions to the suffering on screen. They empathize but are reserved.

Because Amos’ desensitized from his traumatic past. He doesn’t “feel” fear as he says later.

So, Holden’s reaction to the protomolecule experiments on Phoebe make his Eros trauma raw inside him, burst out. His reaction is ptsd.

Amos watching Holden - he knows it is really, really +Really bad.

Naomi is Amos’ conduit, but it’s also a closed circuit. Because she can and will take care of herself. She is smart, brave, bold. She is a badass and very humble about accepting people’s mistakes given her past. She gives a lot to Amos, without needing much back. But, like I said it’s also a closed circuit, she isn’t an easy read. And I think in their relationship, they both get caught up in not wanting to expect much. No expectation, no growth. No challenge. That is initially a relief to them both, just that simple loyalty and no more obligations. But it also leaves room for “you were afraid of me” revelations.

So, while their bond has been essential to the other & beautiful ....it also is....a closed circuit.

*Holden... his heart gets the better of his head...every time.*

Can’t stop, won’t stop. Holden gotta Holden.

Holden becomes the glue between Naomi & Amos in a strange way. Because they both feel for him, needed him. That honesty, that righteousness. That idealism. Because yes 🙌

*Amos will give you the truth- no matter how hard or shitty it is.

So, true. No sugar coating. Real. Raw. Visceral.

Like in 4x08 just after telling Amos there is a cure for the blindness, “I didn’t think you could do it...” #honesty

In the “Vent away” conversation...I love that Amos came to help Holden...and suddenly he is being complimented. He didn’t come into the room to receive praise, didn’t need it or expect it ..didn’t want it....

.and yet Holden’s hijacking the conversation ....changing the focus....

with “It’s a great quality you know?” Is a stunner moment to me. That moment, Amos pulls the real Holden back together. He sounds more like himself - right then.

Hence why even a questionably “crazy” Holden is still absolutely a-okay with Amos.

{{And it’s such a great pov that with Amos at this time Holden is soothed by him and soothing to him. Basically thanks Buddy! I think you are awesome too.

....But, with Alex he is only annoyed and literally shuts him out! 😆}}}}

Like you said it’s a balancing act - guidance for honesty! Tandem dependence.

Final point -

*Going out of his way to protect IS a way Amos can feel closer to/remember Holden.*

It’s shocking how violence in these situations with Amos is so complicated and emotional. But it’s enough for him to have a choice. He controlled the target and the start. That much matters to him.

The rest was a wildcard. But, a learning curve. As he said about the knockout gas, “I learned something about myself...”

A proxy for all the things he can’t fix. I do think he is also gearing up to be “Timothy” the shell of a person, he escaped. The survivor.

I would stretch to say, “Amos” has value. He has denied the “family” connection before, but even then it was hollow. He wants it. But, he hasn’t allowed that before. It wasn’t possible. But....

Amos is on the Roci. He is valued. He belongs.

Amos was stopped by “the Queen of Earth”....because of his association with James Holden.

His departure was heartfelt no doubt. (Come on you know Holden got all tearful, especially since Amos didn’t want to join him & go to Earth in season 4. So, this must be big.) Amos has somewhere to return. He has a home. He wants to be sleeping on the Roci as much as Holden does. 😭

But, Timmy has no value. Never did. And I think unconsciously he is burying Amos beneath Timmy. The opposite of how he first left Baltimore, when Amos concealed Timmy. Talk about a 360 turn about!

+phew+ 😉

I have only allowed myself to watch 5x01 so far. So much to unpack. So many feelings.