#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as

[echo-s-land]

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

[ot3]

i watched red vs blue: zero with my dear friends today and i was asked to “post” my “thoughts” on the subject. Please do not click this readmore unless, for some reason, you want to read three thousand words on the subject of red vs blue: zero critical analysis. i highly doubt that’s the reason anyone is following me, but hey. 

anyway. here you have it. 

Here are my opinions on RVB0 as someone who has quite literally no nostalgia for any older RVB content. I’ve seen seasons 1-13 once and bits and pieces of it more than once here and there, but I only saw it for the first time within the past couple of months. I’ve literally never seen any other RT/AH content. I can name a few people who worked on OG Red vs. Blue but other than Mounty Oum I have NO idea who is responsible for what, really, or what anything else they’ve ever worked on is, or whether or not they’re awful people. I know even less about the people making RVB0 - All I know is that the main writer is named Torrian but I honestly don’t even know if that’s a first name, a last name, or a moniker. All this to say; nothing about my criticism is rooted in any perceived slight against the franchise or branding by the new staff members, because I don’t know or care about any of it. In fact, I’m going to try and avoid any direct comparison between RVB0 and earlier seasons of RVB as a means of critique until the very end, where I’ll look at that relationship specifically.

So here is my opinion of RVB0 as it stands right now:

1. The Writing

Everything about RVB0 feels as if it was written by a first-time writer who hasn’t learned to kill his darlings. The narrative is both simultaneously far too full, leaving very little breathing room for character interaction, and oddly sparse, with a story that lacks any meaningful takeaway, interesting ideas, or genuine emotional connection. It also feels like it’s for a very much younger audience - I don’t mean this as a negative at all. I love tv for kids. I watch more TV for kids than I do for adults, mostly, but I think it’s important to address this because a lot of the time ‘this is for kids’ is used to act like you’re not allowed to critique a narrative thoroughly. It definitely changes the way you critique it, but the critique can still be in good faith.  I watched the entirety of RVB0 only after it was finished, in one sitting, and I was giving it my full attention, essentially like it was a movie. I’m going to assume it was much better to watch in chunks, because as it stood, there was literally no time built into the narrative to process the events that had just transpired, or try and predict what events might be coming in the future. When there’s no time to think about the narrative as you’re watching it, the narrative ends up as being something that happens to the audience, not something they engage with. It’s like the difference between taking notes during a lecture or just sitting and listening. If you’re making no attempt to actively process what’s happening, it doesn’t stick in your mind well. I found myself struggling to recall the events and explanations that had immediately transpired because as soon as one thing had happened, another thing was already happening, and it was like a mental juggling act to try and figure out which information was important enough to dwell on in the time we were given to dwell on it.

Which brings me to another point - pacing. Every event in the show, whether a character moment, a plot moment, or a fight scene, felt like it was supposed to land with almost the exact same amount of emotional weight. It all felt like The Most Important Thing that had Yet Happened. And I understand that this is done as an attempt to squeeze as much as possible out of a rather short runtime, but it fundamentally fails. When everything is the most important thing happening, it all fades into static. That’s what most of 0’s narrative was to me: static. It’s only been a few hours since I watched it but I had to go step by step and type out all of the story beats I could remember and run it by my friends who are much more enthusiastic RVB fans than I am to make sure I hadn’t missed or forgotten anything. I hadn’t, apparently, but the fact that my takeaway from the show was pretty accurate and also disappointingly lackluster says a lot. Strangely enough, the most interesting thing the show alluded to - a holo echo, or whatever the term they used was - was one of the things least extrapolated upon in the show’s incredibly bulky exposition. Benefit of the doubt says that’s something they’ll explore in future seasons (are they getting more? Is that planned? I just realized I don’t actually know.)

And bulky it was! I have quite honestly never seen such flagrant disregard for the rule of “show, don’t tell.” There was not a single ounce of subtlety or implication involved in the storytelling of RVB0. Something was either told to you explicitly, or almost entirely absent from the narrative. Essentially zilch in between. We are told the dynamic the characters have with each other, and their personality pros and cons are listed for us conveniently by Carolina. The plot develops in exposition dumps. This is partially due to the series’ short runtime, but is also very much a result of how that runtime was then used by the writers. They sacrificed a massive chunk of their show for the sake of cramming in a ton of fight scenes, and if they wanted to keep all of those fight scenes, it would have been necessary to pare down their story and characters proportionally in comparison, but they didn’t do that either. They wanted to have it both ways and there simply wasn’t enough time for it. 

The story itself is… uninteresting. It plays out more like the flimsy premise of a video game quest rather than a piece of media to be meaningfully engaged with. RVB0 is I think something I would be pitched by a guy who thinks the MCU and BNHA are the best storytelling to come out of the past decade. It is nothing but tropes. And I hate having to use this as an insult! I love tropes. The worst thing about RVB0 is that nothing it does is wholly unforgivable in its own right. Hunter x Hunter, a phenomenal shonen, is notoriously filled with pages upon pages of detailed exposition and explanations of things, and I absolutely love it. Leverage, my favorite TV show of all time, is literally nothing but a five man band who has to learn to work as a team while seemingly systematically hitting a checklist of every relevant trope in the book. Pacific Rim is an incredibly straightforward good guys vs giant monsters blockbuster to show off some cool fight scenes such as a big robot cutting an alien in half with a giant sword, and it’s some of the most fun I ever have watching a movie. Something being derivative, clunky, poorly executed in some specific areas, narratively weak, or any single one of these flaws, is perfectly fine assuming it’s done with the intention and care that’s necessary to make the good parts shine more. I’ll forgive literally any crime a piece of media commits as long as it’s interesting and/or enjoyable to consume. RVB0 is not that. I’m not sure what the main point of RVB0 was supposed to be, because it seemingly succeeds at nothing. It has absolutely nothing new or innovative to justify its lack of concern for traditional storytelling conventions. Based solely on the amount of screentime things were given, I’d be inclined to say the narrative existed mostly to give flimsy pretense for the fight scenes, but that’s an entire other can of worms.

2. The Visuals + Fights

I have no qualms with things that are all style and no substance. Sometimes you just want to see pretty colors moving on the screen for a while or watch some cool bad guys and monsters or whatever get punched. RVB0 was not this either. The show fundamentally lacked a coherent aesthetic vision. Much of the show had a rather generic sci-fi feel to it with the biggest standouts to this being the very noir looking cityscape, which my friends and I all immediately joked looked like something from a batman game, or the temple, which my friends and I all immediately joked looked like a world of warcraft raid. They were obviously attempting to get variety in their environment design, which I appreciate, but they did this without having a coherent enough visual language to feel like it was all part of the same world. In general, there was also just a lack of visual clarity or strong shots. The value range in any given scene was poor, the compositions and framing were functional at best, and the character animation was unpleasantly exaggerated. It just doesn’t really look that good beyond fancy rendering techniques.

The fight scenes are their entire own beast. Since ‘FIGHT SCENE’ is the largest single category of scenes in the show, they definitely feel worth looking at with a genuine critical eye. Or, at least, I’d like to, but honestly half the time I found myself almost unable to look at them. The camera is rarely still long enough to really enjoy what you’re watching - tracking the motion of the character AND the camera at such constant breakneck high speeds left little time to appreciate any nuances that might have been present in the choreography or character animation. I tried, believe me, I really did, but the fight scenes leave one with the same sort of dizzy convoluted spectacle as a Michael Bay transformers movie. They also really lacked the impact fight scenes are supposed to have.

It’s hard to have a good, memorable fight scene without it doing one of three things: 1. Showing off innovative or creative fighting styles and choreography 2. Making use of the fight’s setting or environment in an engaging and visually interesting way or 3. Further exploring a character’s personality or actions by the way they fight. It’s also hard to do one of these things on its own without at least touching a bit on the other two. For the most part, I find RVB0’s fight scenes fail to do this. Other than rather surface level insubstantial factors, there was little to visually distinguish any of RVB0’s fight scenes from each other. Not only did I find a lot of them difficult to watch and unappealing, I found them all difficult to watch and unappealing in an almost identical way. They felt incredibly interchangeable and very generic. If you could take a fight scene and change the location it was set and also change which characters were participating and have very little change, it’s probably not a good fight scene. 

I think “generic” is really just the defining word of RVB0 and I think that’s also why it falls short in the humor department  as well.

3. The Comedy

Funny shit is hard to write and humor is also incredibly subjective but I definitely got almost no laughs out of RVB0. I think a total of three. By far the best joke was Carolina having a cast on top of her armor, which, I must stress, is an incredibly funny gag and I love it. But overall I think the humor fell short because it felt like it was tacked on more than a natural and intentional part of this world and these characters. A lot of the jokes felt like they were just thrown in wherever they’d fit, without any build up to punchlines and with little regard for what sort of joke each character would make. Like, there was some, obviously Raymond’s sense of humor had the most character to it, but the character-oriented humor still felt very weak. When focusing on character-driven humor, there’s a LOT you can establish about characters based on what sort of jokes they choose to make, who they’re picking as the punchlines of these jokes, and who their in-universe audience for the jokes is. In RVB0, the jokes all felt very immersion-breaking and self aware, directed wholly towards the audience rather than occurring as a natural result of interplay between the characters. This is partially due to how lackluster the character writing was overall, and the previously stated tight timing, but also definitely due to a lack of a real understanding about what makes a joke land. 

A rule of thumb I personally hold for comedy is that, when push comes to shove, more specific is always going to be more funny. The example I gave when trying to explain this was this:

saying two characters had awkward sex in a movie theater: funny

saying two characters had an awkward handjob in a cinemark: even funnier

saying two characters spent 54 minutes of 11:14's 1:26 runtime trying out some uncomfortably-angled hand stuff in the back of a dilapidated cinemark that lost funding halfway through retrofitting into a dinner theater: the funniest

The more specific a joke is, the more it relies on an in-depth understanding of the characters and world you’re dealing with and the more ‘realistic’ it feels within the context of your media. Especially with this kind of humor. When you’re joking with your friends, you don’t go for stock-humor that could be pulled out of a joke book, you go for the specific. You aim for the weak spots. If a set of jokes could be blindly transplanted into another world, onto another cast of characters, then it’s far too generic to be truly funny or memorable. I don’t think there’s a single joke in RVB0 where the humor of it hinged upon the characters or the setting.

Then there’s the issue of situational comedy and physical comedy. This is really where the humor being ‘tacked on’ shows the most. Once again, part of what makes actually solid comedy land properly is it feeling like a natural result of the world you have established. Real life is absurd and comical situations can be found even in the midst of some pretty grim context, and that’s why black comedy is successful, and why comedy shows are allowed to dip into heavier subject matter from time to time, or why dramas often search for levity in humor. It’s a natural part of being human to find humor in almost any situation. The key thing, though, once again, is finding it in the situation. Many of RVB0’s attempts at humor, once again, feel like they would be the exact same jokes when stripped from their context, and that’s almost never good. A pretty fundamental concept in both storytelling in general but particularly comedy writing is ‘setup and payoff’. No joke in RVB0 is a reward for a seemingly innocuous event in an earlier scene or for an overlooked piece of environmental design. The jokes pop in when there’s time for them in between all the exposition and fighting, and are gone as soon as they’re done. There’s no long term, underlying comedic throughline to give any sense of coherence or intent to the sense of humor the show is trying to establish. Every joke is an isolated one-off quip or one-liner, and it fails to engage the audience in a meaningful way.

All together, each individual component of RVB0 feels like it was conjured up independently, without any concern to how it interacted with the larger product they were creating. And I think this is really where it all falls apart. RVB0 feels criminally generic in a way reminiscent of mass-market media which at least has the luxury of attributing these flaws, this complete and total watering down of anything unique, to heavy oversight and large teams with competing visions. But I don’t think that’s the case for RVB0. I don’t know much about what the pipeline is like for this show, but I feel like the fundamental problem it suffers from is a lack of heart.

In comparison to Red vs. Blue

Let's face it. This is a terrible successor to Red vs. Blue. I wouldn’t care if NONE of the old characters were in it - that’s not my problem. I haven’t seen past season 13 because from what I heard the show already jumped the shark a bit and then some. That’s not what makes it a poor follow up. What makes it a bad successor is that it fundamentally lacks any of the aspects of the OG RVB that made it unique or appealing at all. I find myself wondering what Torrian is trying to say with RVB0 and quite literally the only answer I find myself falling back onto is that he isn’t trying to say anything at all. Regardless of what you feel about the original RVB, it undeniably had things to say. The opening “why are we here” speech does an excellent job at establishing that this is a show intended to poke fun at the misery of bureaucracy and subservience to nonsensical systems, not just in the context of military life, but in a very broad-strokes way almost any middle-class worker can relate to. At the end of the day, fiction is at its best when it resonates with some aspect of its audience’s life. I know instantly which parts of the original Red vs Blue I’m supposed to relate to. I can’t say anything even close to that about 0.

RVB is an absurdist parody that heavily satirizes aspects of the military and life as a low-on-the-food-chain worker in general that almost it’s entire target audience will be familiar with. The most significant draw of the show to me was how the dialogue felt like listening to my friends bicker with each other in our group chats. It required no effort for me to connect with and although the narrative never outright looked to the camera and explained ‘we are critiquing the military’s stupid red tape and self-fullfilling eternal conflict’ they didn’t need to, because the writing trusted itself and its audience enough to believe this could be conveyed. It is, in a way, the complete antithesis to the badass superhero macho military man protagonist that we all know so well. RVB was saying something, and it was saying it in a rather novel format.

Nothing about RVB0 is novel. Nothing about RVB0 says anything. Nothing about it compels me to relate to any of these characters or their situations. RVB0 doesn’t feel like absurdism, or satire. RVB0 feels like it is, completely uncritically, the exact media that RVB itself was riffing off of. Both RVB0 and RVB when you watch them give you the feeling that what you’re seeing here is kids on a playground larping with toy soldiers. It’s all ridiculous and over the top cliche stupid garbage where each side is trying to one-up the other. The critical difference is, in RVB, we’re supposed to look at this and laugh at how ridiculous this is. In RVB0 we’re supposed to unironically think this is all pretty badass. 

The PFL arc of the original RVB existed to show us that setting up an elite team of supersoldiers with special powers was something done in bad faith, with poor outcomes, that left everyone involved either cruel, damaged, or dead. It was a bad thing. And what we’re seeing in RVB0 is the same premise, except, this time it’s good. We’re supposed to root for this format. RVB0 feels much more like a demo reel, cutscenes from a video game that doesn’t exist, or a shonen anime fanboy’s journal scribbling than it feels like a piece of media with any objective value in any area.  In every area that RVB was anti-establishment, RVB0 is pure undiluted establishment through and through.  

[wrong-tryagain]

I felt like a horrible shit earlier today bc of something on Twitter. This amazing man, Chance Terry, does his thing with his tic toc's, and he revealed the next selected celebrity was gonna be Mark Pellegrino. (Yay I thought).

Now, I didn't know this, and I'm pretty sure poor Chance T. didn't know this either; but there's A LOT of turbulence on the net 'bout Mark P. I had NO idea, and no one I know knew either.

Turns out there's a lot of hate and stuff going 'round directed at M.P. And for this, C.T was overwhelmed with negative comments on wanting to make his vid on MP like he has with others. This made him react with a block on several people till he'd thought it over, he unblocked those people again and made an apology vid... In my opinion, this should not have been necessary. To me, It's not acceptable or okay that so many people can bombard one man and make him so uncomfortable that he feels he has to apologize for his reaction and for something he and many others had no clue was going on which he had nothing to do with. If I don't like people I just keep my distance, I don't tell other people to hate or avoid that person, I keep it simple and just states I don't like the person if I feel like I should say it, but otherwise I try to let people make their own choice to like them if they feel like it. And if he feels like it, C.T should be able to make his harmless vid without being spammed to the point he feels so uncomfortable that it comes to what happened for him- no one should feel like this! That's not okay, man.

I felt like shit to see this, and I felt even more shitty when I commented and honestly not knowing about the "war" against M.P and got hit with a pic of 1 out-of-context-taken piece, out of a whole line of tweets M.P had written. I felt like I was slapped in the face with the tweet, as was some others, and I felt like I was somehow the bad guy, just for liking a person someone else apparently didn't.

I don't feel that's an okay way to do things. I felt so bad for no friggin reason cause this tweet I was hit with wasn't actually that short and didn't actually have the background or the meaning that person thought it did: it was just one tiny piece of a longer string of tweets M.P had made years ago, one piece out of context cause tweet boxes can't contain that much text so he had to make several tweets to make that long comment. (String + full text on tweets, see attached pic's).

Now, I know it's easy to develop very strong opinions on things, even if you only just heard about them. But maybe we should all seriously consider doing a bit more research before thinking about slapping someone else with that. one. piece. of the puzzle we've found. Research so you have the bigger picture before giving others a lesson like a slap-on sticker in the face, choose to be kind even if someone before you wasn't. Allow yourself to rage to air out what you need to air to be okay, but don't DIRECT your rage on people if it can be avoided, especially if they don't deserve it.

Yeah, okay, I know some of this can sound a little hypocritical after my little rant here, but I'm actually not mad at specific or nonspecific people, I'm just generally disappointed.

I like C.T and I like M.P and I like a lot of others; for their work, their personalities, their differences, their insights, their awesome weirdness, or even for simple things like making me smile or laugh even for just a moment. I'd like to keep feeling that I can keep doing that if I feel like it. I'd like to not have someone try to ruin this or try to push their opinions over my head to make me make their opinions mine or whatever else it could be about.

You don't have to do, think or feel like I do; we're all different people, there should be room for differences and space for mistakes, improvement and forgiveness, but that's just my opinion.

I don't know if there's actually anything to any of what's going on about M.P and other people, or if most or all of it is just misunderstandings and misperceptions. But I do know that there's always 2 sides of a coin, it's good to be good to others, and thing's shouldn't be taken out of context.

I am sorry if anyone gets mad or offended by any or all this I've posted here, again I'm not mad, I don't mean any kind of harm by this, I just needed to rant the rage of frustration off of my chest and air it out of my head or I'd go mad. 🤯🤪🤡

Also, I have this tiny hope this won't be perceived negatively, neither the stuff above nor the stuff below.

If you read this, or some of this, and feel like sending me pics or comments telling me to hate on Mark Pellegrino or someone else or the reason you might do it, I have something to ask of you:

Please don't.

I like liking whoever I like for whatever reason I have or don't have.

I just needed to air this to lift the crushing clutter in my headspace, I don't want to add more instead, and I only added the pics so if anyone wants to know what string of tweets I'm ranting 'bout, they can. So please ignore this post if it bugs you, I'm not woth your effort to make me see things the way you might want me to. I like my bubble, please don't try to pop it. 😅🙏

Anyway, that was a lot of ranting. Sorry for that folks, don't think too much of it tho. I hope you're all well and I wish good days to come your way. Don't worry, I'm done now. 😅 Peace out. ✌

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[authenticcadence18]

Butterfly pt. 1

Here’s the pre-Battle For Mewni canon-divergent Starco fic I wrote in 2017!!!

Have a note from my younger self to give context to the story:

“I'm not quite sure what events lead up to this or what happens afterward...this story is just a piece of what I imagine could happen during Toffee's eventual attack on Mewni. This scene takes place on Mewni, and Marco obviously used his dimensional scissors to get there.....duh 😜.”

(Also I wrote this four years ago, when my writing style wasn’t nearly as developed/polished as it is now. I could spend hours editing it, but I‘d feel kinda bad doing that to my younger self😂.)

...

AO3

...

"STAR!!!!!!!!!"

Marco struggled relentlessly against the green chains of energy that prohibited him from moving, but there was nothing he could do but watch, horrified, as Toffee drained the life out of his best friend

"STOP!!!! YOU'RE HURTING HER!!!!!"

Piercing green magic gushed from the severed crystal imbedded in the villain's hand and swirled furiously around Star, whose electric blue eyes were growing dimmer by the second. The princess lunged at Toffee, wand-in-hand, in one final attempt to subdue him, but his magical assault had weakened her body beyond repair. With a shrill moan, Star collapsed to the ground and lay motionless, the light in her pupils now almost completely extinguished.

A sob tore through Marco's throat as he struggled against the magical shackles binding him for the umpteenth time, only to discover that he was now able to move freely. He scrambled to his best friend's side and frantically began checking for a pulse, for breath, for anything that indicated she was alright. All the while, he continued to assure her, "It's okay, Star, you're fine, it's going to be fine, please be fine, you'll be just fine, Star, PLEASE be fine!!!!"

But he felt nothing.

Star Butterfly—crown princess, heir to the throne of Mewni, and Marco's best friend—was no more.

"......you killed her......" Marco uttered blankly, staring into the sunken black eyes of the girl who'd radically changed his life in such a short amount of time. Trembling, partially from despair and partially from fury, he inclined his head to meet Toffee's watchful gaze and repeated, "....you KILLED her...!!"

Toffee chuckled, the chilling timbre of his voice not quite clicking with the spindly bird form he still had possession of. "Well, not technically," the former Ludo corrected Marco smoothly, hovering above him with a smile that could have been perceived as understanding, had he not already revealed his hand. "I've merely drained her magical life force. It would be possible to restore it and revive her if you had any healers around, but..."

He smirked.

"I believe the Chancellor is still...out of commission."

Marco's eyes narrowed. "Alright, fine! You've got Star! What about me? Are you going to suck the life out of me too before I karate-chop you into the next multiverse???"

Toffee tisked, an almost fatherly expression appearing on his face. "Oh Marco," he crooned gently, as if gently chiding a disobedient child. "There's no point in that. Without her?" He gestured to Star's broken form. "You're nothing."

With this, the villain cackled menacingly and snatched up Star's wand before zooming out of the cave and slamming a rock in front of the entrance with a wave of his hand, leaving Marco alone with the shell of the coolest girl he'd ever known.

With Toffee gone, the reality of the situation slowly began to sink in....

Star was gone.

And it was his fault.

"....STAR!!!!" Marco wailed, tears blurring his vision. "THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! I—it's all my fault..... If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have had any reason to cleave your wand in the first place!! You...you'd be alive..."

He took one of Star’s cold hands in his, despair weighing him down so heavily that he doubted he'd ever be able to stand again.

"You trusted me with your friendship, and I hurt you. You trusted me with your life, and I let you die....

"...you trusted me with your heart...." he managed to choke, the final lyrics of Ruberiot's song reverberating within his skull, "...and all I did was push it aside......"

He knelt near Star in silence for a few minutes, grasping desperately for answers within his head. How could this have happened? How could he have let this happen??

"You know," Marco murmured weakly, "Jackie and I decided to stop dating pretty soon after you left Earth. I knew finding my best friend and being there to support her was more important than focusing on a girlfriend, and Jackie agreed....but I also think she was convinced that I'd fallen for you..."

He winced.

“...but I guess none of that really matters now, huh?"

Marco gazed down at the princess's fallen form, wishing beyond belief that he'd done things differently in Star's time on Earth, wishing he knew what he could have done to prevent her from ending up like this, wishing he'd been able to see the truth before it had been too late to act upon it.

"I'll finish what you started, Star," he vowed, determination seeping into his voice. "I promise, I'll do everything I can to protect the citizens of Mewni and defeat Toffee. And I promise that I'll never stop looking for a way to bring you back and that you'll always be the best, most amazing friend I could've ever hoped to have, and that..."

His voice cracked.

"...and that I'll always love you."

Gently, Marco brushed a rebellious strand of blonde hair off of Star's forehead and planted a soft kiss on her brow.

"Goodbye, Star."

With this, Marco's resolve shattered, and he broke down in gut-wrenching sobs, shoulders quaking and chest burning.

So it made sense that he didn't notice when the two hearts stamped on Star's cheeks began glowing faintly.

Slowly, translucent webs of purple began weaving themselves around the princess's form, lifting her up bit by bit as they did so. Star herself did not stir, but something within her most certainly was stirring.

When Marco felt Star's fingers shift away from his, his eyes shot wide open. Out of instinct, he jerked back upon observing her continue to rise off of the ground, still unconscious. As the webs grew thicker and thicker, encasing the princess's entire body, the rosy glow emanating from them only grew as well. Marco watched in awe as the chrysalis began to vibrate when it rose to around five feet off of the ground. Faster and stronger it writhed, until at last, with a searing flash of light so bright and pink that Marco lost his vision for a couple of seconds, the figure within burst free.

"......am I dead? ..... Marco, is that you?? Are we both dead???"

Marco, unfortunately, was currently incapable of offering any sort of response. He simply stood, gaping, with his eyes set upon the girl hovering a few yards away from him.

Star waved her hands in Marco's direction, only to recoil when she found more than eight fingers—and purple ones, no less!—at her disposal. "Yikes!!" she shrieked, recoiling.

Her eyes narrowed as she examined her two newly-formed sets of limbs. "....wait a minute."

Tentatively, she craned her head back--and gasped with joy at what she discovered.

"MY MEWBERTY WINGS!!!!!!!" Star giggled gleefully, twirling circles in the air on a pair of intricately-patterned lavender wings. "THEY'RE ALL GROWN UP!!!!!!"

And indeed they were. Star Butterfly had at last unlocked the full heritage of the Butterfly dynasty coded deep within her DNA. Unfolding from her back were two massive butterfly wings adorned with shimmering hearts. Six arms extended from her torso now, and a pair of dainty antennae bobbled above her head. Her hair, now also a shade of dark violet, had shortened significantly as well, so as not to get caught in her wings.

"This is so cool...!" Star breathed. "Marco, what do you think??"

The sound of Star repeating his name finally snapped Marco out of his stupor.

"....STAR!!!!!!" he proclaimed elatedly, hastily rushing over to her with a luminescent grin on his face. "You're okay!!!!! Well—more than okay, actually!"

Beaming, Star scooped Marco up in a six-armed hug and spun him around in the air a few times, the two of them laughing and celebrating as if the events of the past month or so had never occurred.

But just as quickly as Star's mood spiraled upward, reality set back in as she began recalling where she was. Quickly, the princess set Marco down before planting her own feet on the floor.

"Wait a minute..." she voiced with uncertainty, cocking her head at her best friend. "Didn't Toffee, like, drain my powers and more or less leave me for dead? That's the last thing I remember..."

Marco nodded with a little shiver. “…yup.”

"So...how am I prancing about on newly-grown mewberty wings now?"

Marco shrugged. He had to keep blinking to assure himself that Star’s transformation wasn’t just a cruel trick of his heartache-addled mind.

Star stared at him for a moment, perplexed. Then, without quite knowing why she was led to do so, she tentatively raised a hand to her forehead and touched it—in the very spot where Marco had kissed her only minutes before.

Instantly, a wave of understanding pummeled Star, and she staggered back.

"...it was you!" she gasped.

But before she had the chance to elaborate on this, the stone guarding the entrance to the cave groaned and started shifting to the side.

“You know something, Marco?” Toffee called out as he pushed the stone away. “I’ve been thinking...maybe you have some potential after all! You see, I’ve been meaning to find a new—erm, shall we say, host? And what better person to destroy Mewni as than the former princess’s best fri—“

Toffee took pride in having mastered a distinctly precise ability to mask his emotions. It was one of the qualities that kept him on his toes after centuries of plotting against the Butterfly family. But even he, the immortal monster of legends and tapestries, could not contain his bewilderment at the sight awaiting him.

Star Butterfly was fine. More than fine, actually. She had never appeared more powerful. And Marco Diaz, the seemingly-useless karate boy, was standing right beside her.

Heroes and villain stared wide-eyed at each other, each wondering how to gain the upper hand. After matter of seconds that consisted of Toffee darting his gaze between the princess and her prince, understanding suddenly dawned upon him. He chuckled, quickly regaining his composure.

“Well well…” the monster crooned with a smirk, directing his gaze towards Marco. “Looks like you aren’t as much of a disappointment as I thought.

“And Star! Why, you look just like your mom did the last time we fought. It's a shame to think of her discovering that her dear little princess finally earned her wings but tragically had the life re-drained out of her before she really got to use them…I’ll be sure to dispose of her before she has to find out." With these words, Toffee fired a blast of green magic at the currently-wandless Star, smiling wickedly.

Star, however, wasn't going to give herself up so easily this time. Eyes and hearts igniting, she thrust her hands forward as searing pink magic gushed out of them like a waterfall and formed a bubble around her. Toffee's blast fizzled and sputtered away as soon as it touched the force-field.

Toffee's eyes widened in shock and then narrowed in disdain. He fired another shot at Star, and then another, and then another, but the warrior princess deflected every blast as effortlessly as if she'd been doing it for her whole life. When Toffee realized that he'd lost his chance to defeat her, he made a last-ditch attempt to gain the upper hand by manifesting a giant, luminescent green limb and snatching Marco—who'd been soaking up every second of the battle from the sidelines, awestruck—with it....not realizing his action would have the opposite effect of what he intended.

"NO."

The next thing Toffee knew, he was lying flat on his back with the wind knocked out of his host's puny lungs. He could vaguely make out the hazy form of Star Butterfly hovering over him with a venomous glint in her eyes.

"You can try and kill me all you want, but touch Marco....and I'll destroy you," she declared in a razor-sharp whisper.

For the first time since he'd lost his finger to Moon, all those years ago, Toffee's stomach--though, technically it was still Ludo's stomach--lurched as an unpleasant chill seized his body.

He was afraid.

With the last of his energy, the villain rose from the ground and frantically fled the cave, leaving Star's wand behind in his haste.

Star remained hovering in the air, glaring after him with the same stone-hard expression on her face.

".....Star?"

Tentatively, Marco approached the princess and grabbed the hand that was nearest to him.

"You can calm down now. He's gone."

Star's shoulders relaxed, and she gently sank to the ground, her wings and extra arms folding up and disappearing as she did so. Marco immediately knelt beside his best friend and helped her to stand, supporting her weight while she re-adjusted to her normal form.

Star winced, holding one of two hands to her now-pale forehead

"Ugh....Mom didn't tell me how draining it is to earn your wings...." she grumbled.

Marco, on the other hand, had never felt more alive. "Star, that was amazing!!!!" he exclaimed. "You just took down Toffee, the same guy who managed to defeat the entire magic high commission and drain their powers in less than two minutes!!! And after he'd drained your power, too!!!!! You still managed to beat him!!!!!!"

Star stared at the ground for a bit, the gears in her head whirring. Finally, she raised her gaze to Marco, hand still poised at the top of her head.

"But I couldn't have done it if it weren't for you.”

"....what do you mean?" Marco asked—though deep down he suspected he understood what Star was getting at.

"I--I'm not sure..." Star replied sheepishly, shrugging her shoulders with a meager chuckle. "It's just...it's like....you replenished my power source. I can feel it was you. But I can't figure out how!!"

Marco bit his lip, uncertain as to how he could be more anxious in this moment than he'd been when Toffee was about to possess him.

Then, he spotted the royal wand, which was still strewn on the floor. Swiftly, he scooped up the heirloom and held it out to Star, who seemed to snap back into focus upon seeing it.

"You're right, Marco," the princess decreed, reclaiming her wand from her best friend. "We'll talk through this later."

Grinning mischievously, Star sprang into the air and raised her arms, and suddenly she was a butterfly again!

"Right now, we have a kingdom to save!"

...

Thanks for reading!! I actually wrote part of a continuation to this back in the day but I never quite finished it...soooo I’m going to try to finish it and then post the conclusion sometime!

(And AGAIN there’s a lot of canon-divergent stuff in this fic, I know Star isn’t ACTUALLY biologically a Butterfly😅. But I didn’t know that four years ago, lol!)

[mimiri22-6]

I JUST FOUND OUT BEE AND PUPPYCAT HAD A SECOND SEASON! GUESS WHAT I JUST FINISHED WATCHING!

Oh my fucking god holy shit, my guys! This show. This fucking show. Where do I even start! First off

SPOILERS!!!!!!

YOU DO NOT WANT TO WALK INTO THIS SEASON, THIS SHOW, WITH SPOILERS! DO NOT FUCKING LOOK, THIS IS 1000% SPOILER TERRITORY!!!

So I will be taking the extra step of taking my laptop out, and continuing this on there(and after I wake up because it's 4am and I regret absolutely NONE of this whatsoever because, guys, I love this show with everything I have left to my being, I swear, I will die for a third season)

Warning: This is a long one.

OKOKOKOK! I know I know! It’s been uh...A Month since I first posted this! BUT I am Here Now and Ready!!! I am less than 10 seconds into the first episode of season 2 and I am already So Ready to relive this!!(Dream SMP has Nothing on this show, God I Love This Show Far Too Much!!!!!!)

...First ten minutes...I have So Much I want to say...Just-just a lot of love...

okokokokokokokokokok!!!!!! I think I know how I’m going to do this now! One bullet for each episode! Let’s see if I stick with it.

Gentle Touch

In the first episode we already get a big game changer for Bee and her development. Bee becoming more responsible as a favor for Deckard. He asks her to take care of his family while he’s at cooking school and we already see her doing this. Going out to the ocean with Weasley, going out of her comfort zone for people she’s practically family to, which is why we got the beginning flashback, once again going out of her comfort zone to stop Puppycat from punching kittens, And Finally, coming out from her nap cupboard to face Howl and help pay for bills by eating ugly food.

Little Fingers

Ooh, this one has foreshadowing dream sequence. I would say more about it if it had more significance, but it’s really just what happens to Bee in the last ep. This episode brings more of Bee being responsible, trying to take her phone away from Puppycat so he stops making bad purchases. This episode made me realize what Puppycat’s role is this season, the child. Or something among those lines. He’s the same as he was last season, but it seems/is a bit more exaggerated because Bee isn’t doing the same things anymore. She’s started to care about consequences. And speaking about consequences, Toast announces she’s pregnant while confirming that she’s been staying...in Cass’s room(?)...weird, but ok, and by Tim pointing and Merlin’s reaction, it’s Merlin’s...but also everyone else seemed like they thought they were the culprit and I don’t want to think about the implications of that....MOVING ON-OH WAIT, And Cardamon’s mom is spouting magic tears that messes with the plants, so there’s that.

Snow and Violets

I’m going to be honest, I’m not 100% sure what to put here and I’m loosing steam. (I’ve been awake since 3 am...) But I think I can put something. The situation with Mr. Cup is the definition of being haunted by your past. The guilt and regret of cheating in the past has made him lose his motivation to give it his all in racing because, what’s the point? Motivation and not caring was his norm, so he just stuck with it. Until Bee, and now he can be a rainbow and sleep with less guilt and regret on his conscience. The thing with the island rapidly changing could be one of three things. Something to do with the ship that  Is the island, a metaphor for change, or something really cool the creators just wanted.

Day off Work

Not Too much to note for this ep overall. Puppycat totally did do the ‘wrecking the house in search for the owner’ thing dogs do. Finally, a dog trait! Every time I see Cardamon now I just get sad cause he’s 7, and should Not be doing landlord stuff. Bee showing worry about how Cardamon’s mom is still asleep and being worried about Cardamon himself, I’m just glad someone’s noticing. I keep forgetting that some people haven’t watched the pilot so they don’t know about Puppycat being a Space Outlaw, so when he found all his stuff under the apartment I was less surprised and more excited. The two last things I want to say is I think it’s interesting/cool/intriguing how the Wizard family just takes every weird thing either in stride, unquestioningly, or ignorance. Just trying to pretend it didn’t happen so they don’t have to deal with it(other than Crispin, but he’s coming up). And the last thing I just want to bring to light is CARDAMON BEING SO CUTE IN THE LAST SCENE! JUST BEING A CHILD! AND LAUGHING WITH HIS DOG! ON A FUNNY CHAIR! I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR AND I WILL PROTECT THAT SMILE WITH MY WHOLE BEING!!!

My Favorite

Note, Pretty Patrick is also The Mayor. Alright. It’s definitely been a few months and you can see the relationship between Howl and Bee has gotten better, not that it was too bad to begin with, just a bit less peeved on Howl’s end. The theme of Bee being responsible is brought into play again with the train station scene. Telling Puppycat to not hit and the way Puppycat was acting around Patrick. All little kid stuff. Which also kind of clashes with what I thought was Puppycat being older than Bee by a lot, I’m honestly slowly getting more and more confused exactly how I should perceive Puppycat. THE FIRST REAL LOOK AT THE HAND GUYS! I’m still not sure what their deals are, but they have a corpse on their hands and that is already the biggest red flag. I have a guess as to what/who they are in relation to Puppycat and, by acquaintance, Bee, but I could be wrong, but I also can’t think of any other people they may be. I’ll bring it back up either the next time we see them or at the end.

Did You Remember

Grampa Puppycat cares about his granddaughter a whole lot. Don’t @ me, their dynamic is more confusing than a moving maze...Now this episode, ooh boy, it feels like a lot, but in a minimal way? First off, Cardamon finally breaks down about the stress of being a 7 year old landlord and Bee takes care of him for the day. Big Sis Bee For The Win! DON’T @ ME I MAKE UP MY OWN FAMILY DYNAMICS!!! Kind of continuing from the first sentence, Puppycat and Bee love each other(I Stand By Platonically For Them) so much already, for them it’s been a little over a year considering Puppycat fell into Bee’s life before her last birthday and now they’re celebrating another one. And I must admit, I can not for the life of me figure out wtf the deal is with the tears. They have little shapes of recent events in them and they make plants weird/straight up just make life! Like, What Even Is That?! Also, Cardamon finally gets a good sleep.

Bird Friend

Ok, so we got more ship pieces, a most likely reason as to why Puppycat was Like That in the last few episodes of season 1 and has been goopy every now and again in this season. Apparently eating things he shouldn’t eat make him Extremely off model and goopy. More hands! But not the rest of them this time around. I wonder if Sticky’s hunt for all the birds has any significance other than showing us another piece. Puppycat breaking down and spilling a few secrets after stress eating off the floor and Bee immediately saying no to someone else telling her what’s wrong with Puppycat and letting him come to her first instead of forcing him is always such a good lesson to have. Also, Cass is into weirdly shaped shiny things.

Two Clown Noses

Ah, it’s this one. The one that Really throws a wrench into the Bee/Deckard ship. THEY’RE BOTH SO CUTE! I CAN’T CHOOSE!!! This entire episode is just Crispin and Bee hanging out with the added angst of the beginning ‘story’. This world is full of such amazingly crazy characters and Crispin’s backstory is one of those crazier ones. Bee and him Lived Together and Know Each Other, he knows she’s a robot! My only question is, what happened that they broke up? WAIT- DID THEY EVEN BREAK UP?! It would be weird if they weren’t because they were living together and then they decide to live separate again would make no sense. I think I just jumped to the weirdest conclusion...Anyway! How would Puppycat get sick? I feel like that was just another thing they added to create different dynamics. The beginning birthday thing and the conclusion felt so real even though the cause was something so out there that I feel like only animated shows like this could pass, but also I feel like someone out there has done something similar, so what do I know. Yeah, not much else about this episode, it was mostly just Bee/Crispin stuff and character stuff. Gosh they’re so cute...but so is Bee/Deckard. Being a multishipper is hard...

Funny Lying

RIGHT! THEY’RE CALLED THE WARLOCKS! THAT’S THE TITLE I WAS FORGETTING! Tim knows everyone’s secrets, comes with the perk of having a lot of time and not talking much, you observe everyone else while they think you’re doing something else. I know from experience. Eavesdropping is a specialty of mine. SHIT THIS IS THE ONE WHERE CASS GETS THE MESSAGE DISSING HER FOR FALLING FOR TOAST FROM A COWORKER! I caught those vibes during the first season, but then the first half of this season came along and I was forced to drop those vibes in favor of cannon because TOAST WAS PREGOS WITH ONE OF CASS’S BROTHER’S KIDS! I’m good at catching gay vibes in fictional worlds, but I’m shit in the real world, just like everything else. And the thing is, we don’t get Any kind of explanation/closure for the entire rest of the season! We see Toast totally shocked reaction, probably moments before she was going to sneak attack Cass, but froze upon seeing that text. AND WE GET NOTHING ABOUT THAT FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON! Anyway, that was only like 2 minutes into the ep, this is taking forever. We got more Bee being responsible for Cardamon and getting rid of the tears, but the biggest part of this episode is undoubtedly Puppycat’s scenes. We got him sinking to the bottom of the ocean and getting cradled by flowers created by the tears next to the ship. We find out he was bullied and ridiculed in school as a kid and his best friend(idk what else they would be counted as), Violet, convinced him to leave their planet after they accidently summon their ship, leaving Puppycat’s mother behind. seeing how he cried about leaving her she seems to have been a great caretaker and he loved her immensely. We get the scene of Bee’s dad as a baby/Very young child on a mission, giving a presentation, and finding the candy to be a source of energy by cracking it open. Making me think, ‘Is that Bee’s fuel source? If it is, how would not taking full doses for two years effect her?’ because in the first season she splits the candy in half to share with Puppycat and in this season she didn’t eat the candy at all. Makes me even more worried for the future knowing what state she’s in when this season ends. With the last flower fever dream/memory it seems that the princess that he fell in love with was the one to make the final move to turning him into a ‘monster.’ Don’t worry tho, Bee saved him from the bottom of the ocean 

Golden Eyes

(I’m getting more and more tired as this goes one. I started doing this at around 12 this morning and now it’s nearing 6 pm. I’m loosing it!) We got another birthday and it’s Howl’s this time, though it’s not really his episode. The fish are attracted to the wish crystals for some reason and one eats a bit of it to be ‘human’ for a day. I love how the fish hated being a human and Weasley didn’t even notice it was a date. I don’t know if it was or not, but ending on that was funny. We got the return of the major douche from the season 1 finally and a mention of Moully. 

Why Don’t You Help Me?

(I took a break between episodes, aka I went tf to sleep, because I was falling asleep at the table and not really processing everything enough for what I’m trying to do) Ok, so this is a day in the life of Cardamon episode with supposed parelles to the Warlocks. We start with the red one stuck and the others unwilling to help...and then they start drawing Puppycat’s face on the 5th one’s corpse and these guys just do not care that it’s a dead body that they supposedly killed themselves. In short, they have all my fear because they are uncaring about body counts. Cardamon still goes to school on top of being a self proclaimed landlord and gets made fun of for being responsible and tattling at every chance he gets. Something I just noticed too is, at first I just assumed he was finally getting tired after being an adult in a child’s body for who knows how long, but now I’m thinking if he’s supposed to be asleep with Violet, his mom, then the reason for him being so tired is being awake too long. It could most likely be both, too. Just like Cardamon, I have no idea what all the tears mean. In the most recent one was see Moully as the charm in the center. What’s the pattern with these? Again we see Bee being responsible and taking care of Cardamon, making sure he gets home safe, tucking him in, and pulling an all night favor so he can sleep and get to school in the morning. Speaking of that, I can’t say I like Cardamon’s teachers all that much. I could rant about them, but this is already long and they’re not worth it. My only real question is, why the hell are their clothes so ragged and dirty? Do they not know how to bathe? Just, WTF? (either that or they’re Really not trying to hide their *ahem* activities from the kids, which just makes me want to punch sense into them or something)

Now I’m Really Alone

MOULLY!!!! Sorry, I just love him a lot. From what I can put together, he’s some kind of gift giving being. Giving wishes, exchanging good deeds and quick favors for other good deeds and favors. Just being Really nice and wanting to help everyone he comes across. This episode makes me see so much in common between Bee and Moully. They both want to help even when they don’t know how. Making messes and finding ways clean up those messes out of guilt and the feeling of obligation. They both have lost things they need to pick up and the knowledge that they have all the time in the world because they’ve both been alive for so long. It keeps getting hinted, but now kind of confirmed, that the Wizard’s know Bee is Weird because they haven’t seen her age. Hell, seeing how she interacts with Cardamon she could have even baby sat them. So all the Wizard’s know she’s Weird and, supposedly, only Crispin knew she was a robot. That was until Deckard found out in the season 1 finally. Once again bringing up the point of people in the Wizard family finding something out and ignoring it and hiding it. In the season 1 finally, Tim asked Cass if Deckard wasn’t depressed anymore, practically saying that Deckard has some form of depression. Depression being a mental illness that runs in families, it wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that some other members of the family have similar problems. One of the things I remember depression doing is the person will see a problem and ignore it. Something that many people in this show do with the weirdness around them and the emotional states/situations of the other people in the show. This season is about finally seeing the thing you’ve been ignoring and doing something about it. And that’s what Bee’s been doing this season, taking charge and finally getting her junk out of the ocean and getting REALLY far out of her comfort zone. She HATES water and the ocean, but she’s diving in to take back what’s hers and cleaning up a mess. There’s A Lot to analyze with this episode, the similarities of Moully’s and Bee’s situations and personalities, Puppycat being the responsible one again for the long run of things, the tears and how the wish crystals work, and the state of multiple character’s minds. Ignorance is bliss until it isn’t.

I Won’t Leave You Alone

Ok, SO MANY NOTES! Which makes sense seeing how it’s the last episode. First off, THOSE WARLOCK BASTDARDS VIOLATED MOULLY AND IF THEY WERE REAL I WOULD THROTLE THEM TILL THEIR HEADS POPPED OFF!!! I am a very protective person when it comes to things I care about. And I’m going to say it here and now incase something comes up of it, Cooking Prince gives be Colorful Vibes, if you know what I mean. You don’t follow someone home and bother them when they don’t want to be bothered unless you’re Into into them. That’s all I’m saying and if nothing comes of it, I will drop it. I’m barely hanging onto it to begin with. So, last episode we watched one of three hands punching the other hands to let Moully go, and in this episode it’s confirmed that the day Moully was pulled through the void, the 5th warlock died. My theory with that is, the 5th one was against getting Puppycat in some way and retaliated by fighting them off of Moully and then the others retaliated by killing them in some way. And the tears in this episode didn’t give life to the corpse, but grew new life over top of it, the tears can’t bring the dead back. The ship gets put back together and we see Puppycat being pretty selfish again, bringing the ship online while Bee gets scooped trying to help Moully. He indirectly helped, but only after he got what he wanted. Cooking Prince, an outsider, brings up how everything going on on the island is Weird and Cass celebrates someone acknowledging it. Once again, bringing back the ‘ignorance is bliss until it’s not’ thing going on around here. Cardamon does more childish things this episode, making a wish and crying in his mother’s arms. He got to finally let go of his responsibilities and let it out until he passed out, and now he gets to sleep again. Moully and Bee are out of commission and the Wizard’s+Cooking Prince stay one the island/ship to be with Bee even though they are mostly confused about EVERYTHING going on rn. Bee has multiple Bees now while she’s out, and so, they go looking for Bee’s dad. I have a feeling he has at least some white hairs by now.

I remember watching this season for the first time. I remember I definitely cried at multiple points, but I can’t exactly remember what points now. I didn’t cry this time, I was too busy taking everything in and trying to put what little pieces I could find together. The first season was to get us used to this world and get comfortable for a chill ride, but then it smacks you in the face with something much bigger at the very end. This season was to make you pay more attention and to question your surroundings. It was also about the first steps to taking charge of your life. If Bee didn’t do all the responsible things she did this season, the warlocks would have probably gotten Puppycat while the island went to shambles. Actions have consequences and that’s what this was about. I believe next season is why ‘Lazy in Space’ was the title. The characters are going to be in space, looking for Bee’s dad, and will acknowledge all the weird things going on while developing, excuse the pun, in out of this world ways. 

I can’t wait for season 3.

[opbackgrounds]

As many of you noticed, the other day I posted Part 1 in what has become a series on my thoughts on sexism in One Piece. If you are somehow seeing this post first, I would recommend clicking the link as I’ll be adding to the foundation I built there. 

I already had some pretty strong thoughts on this topic before receiving the original ask, but in the spirit of not wanting to sound like a douche academic integrity I decided to do a little cursory research into what other people meant when they said that One Piece is sexist. Here’s a collage of some of my favorite hot takes

As much as I’m...confused? Unsurprised yet somehow disappointed?...I don’t want to mock or belittle the people who feel this way. I think one of the most dangerous things in our modern internet age is that discussions only get surface deep before they devolve into shouting matches, and when the other side is vilified as ignorant or immoral or whatever it only serves to divide people into groups that grow evermore hostile to one another as the shouting matches get louder. It’s a short jump from your opinions are stupid and bad to you are stupid and bad for having them and I really don’t want to go there. 

Tl; dr: I don’t care if you disagree with anything I’m about to say, but if you send me harassing messages please know that I will laugh at you for presuming to think that I care.

Dropping the S Bomb

So first things first, a couple definitions. Sexism is prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination against a certain gender, in this case women. Chauvinism is excessive or prejudiced support for one's own cause, group, or sex. Misogyny is dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

I start with definitions, because there are an astounding number of people who misuse these terms when making arguments. When talking about things like character design, Oda’s typical hour-glass figure is leaning into a stereotype that leads to the objectification of (fictional) women. An argument could be made that One Piece is sexist in that way. 

But it’s not that cut and dry, and I am always of the opinion that context matters. I argued in my previous post that there would be a wider variety of female character designs if there were more women, and the exaggerated aesthetic of the series lends itself to the exaggerated busts and butts typical of One Piece ladies. 

There’s an interview that came out around the time Strong World was released that I think is helpful when talking about this sort of thing. 

I approached it thinking that since I’m drawing for a boys’ comic magazine, then it’s my job to make sure they enjoy what they’re reading. When you actually do become a professional you’ll start getting fan letters and other things and you’ll soon find that the overwhelming majority of them are from girls. Boys just aren’t the type to pick up a pen. (laughs) They don’t have things like stationary or stamps and they don’t think about going through the ‘grueling task’ of writing someone just to say, “That was cool.” Boys are a life form that enjoy something but won’t bother to tell you that they actually do.

So I learned that girls will flood you with their opinions and when I took at step back and looked at the world of manga, I realized that there are a lot of people out there that made me think, “This [author] is really just going along with the girls’ opinions.” And ultimately, if you’re considering those opinions as the ‘needs of the customer’ when you write the story, you’re just left with a girl’s manga. (laughs) It’s like, if you do that, you’re only writing to entertain girls, and that’s just wrong.

Oda writes for his target demographic, pre-teen and teenage boys. He doesn’t seem to care much for the opinions of his female audience, which again could be perceived as sexist.

And to an extent maybe it is, but I also think it’s smart. You only have to look at the mess that is the new Star Wars trilogy to see what happens when a storyteller tries to appease a fan base. The end result is that everyone goes home from the theatre miserable. 

Humanity has been telling stories since time immemorial. They’re so ingrained into into the collective psyche that we have developed certain metanarriatives, types, and archetypes that have in turn been refined and distilled and applied to certain types of stories meant for certain types of people. The “rules” for telling a “boy’s story” are different than the “rules” for telling a “girl’s story”, just like I would not expect a romance to be told in the same way as one of Shonen Jump’s battle manga.

Incidentally, this is part of the reason why I think many romances in shonen fall flat. Stories best suited for fighting, camaraderie, coming of age, and growing into the best version of yourself are forced to try to include tropes and story beats that just don’t fit, and the end result is often just...bad.  

And, yes, these rules are arbitrary. They can and do change. Just look at shonen battle manga of the 80s vs the titles that were popular when One Piece started in the 90s vs what’s running today. The fact that Oda maintained an audience for over two decades while writing for a demographic that ages out every few years is nothing short of incredible. He clearly has a pulse on what his audience wants while maintaining a clear vision for the direction he wants One Piece to go.

Nor is this an individual effort. Oda works with his assistants and editors when it comes to making these decisions. It’s impossible to say how much he’s been influenced by these other voices, both in the past and now, even if he is ultimately the person responsible for what does and does not get put to paper.

What’s more, society changes. What is considered sexist now would not be thought of as such a generation ago. Our descendants will shake their heads at all the crazy, backward, terrible things we think are normative, and that’s not even taking into consideration differences in culture that not only exist between generations, but nations. America is going to have different ideas of what is and isn’t appropriate behavior than Japan, which undoubtably influences Oda’s sense of humor, which in turn influences the sorts of gags he puts into his comic.

I want to walk a fine line here, because I think there are objective standards that people should be held to regarding sexism while also acknowledging that getting people to agree to those standards are is impossible. If people truly feel as strongly about Oda’s character design and fan service as they make it seem online, then by all means comment on it. It’s not going to change Oda’s mind, but maybe with increased awareness the next generation of storytellers will be better. 

At the same time, I think that the indignant masses need to take a deep, hard look at what they’re calling sexism. Are you really going to claim, as I’ve seen, that all fan service is sexist? Are you really going to say that Robin and Nami are weak characters because they don’t get fights? Are you really going to say that Oda’s the most sexist mangaka out there, using, Fairy Tale as an example of female characters done right?

Because if you are, you’re setting yourself up to be thought as just as vapid and uniformed as those who are only reading for tits and ass. There are legitimate criticisms to be had, but just because you don’t like a thing doesn’t mean it’s bad storytelling. Just because Oda puts something out there that you don’t approve of doesn’t make it sexist. Audiences need to be better at thinking critically about the media they consume and learn to look past the sensationalism of click bait articles to truly explore the issues at hand. 

This is getting long again, so I think I’m going to split this into another post where I’ll dive into some specific examples within the series itself. Once again, thank you for your time. I promise I’ll wrap this up soon and move onto other, hopefully more positive, things.    

[talks-refined]

Why azula, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had a redemption arc

i know it’s a complicated subject in this fandom but i wanted to give my two cents on it! i promise this isn’t me just going “booh evil”

okay so here’s the thing. the reason this is so complicated to answer is because it needs to ask pretty existential and complex questions like, can everyone be redeemed? how is evil made? how much of you is really only your upbringing? is it possible to be inherently bad? what do we fundamentally deserve? can you separate yourself completely from what you’ve been since birth and if so, what’s left?

now if you walked up to me and asked those questions, my answer would probably be something along the lines of “i don’t know, i just got here”. so that’s not what i’m gonna try to answer here

notice how i said “shouldn’t have had” and not “deserved”. i can’t tell you what azula “deserved”— probably a nicer childhood and therapy— but i can also say azula didn’t “deserve” anything. she’s a character, she’s words on paper, animation and voiced acting. there isn’t a real azula, an actual 14 years old child soldier out there awaiting to turn good. characters are story arcs, development, goals... what makes their value isn’t morals but what they bring to the story. and azula brings so much that, in my opinion, being ultimately redeemed would cheapen

first off: zuko. i’ve seen people say azula shouldn’t get a redemption arc because then her story would just be the same as zuko. it’s... not true, obviously, they’re different characters for a reason, but there is a part of truth i wanna point out here:

zuko and azula’s stories are diametrical opposites. two siblings, a boy and a girl, a firebending prodigy and one who’s average at the very best, one favored by his mother, the other favored by her father, one impulsive and one calculating. At the beginning of the story, one angry and unstable, the other calm and confident, one banished, desperate and without honor, and the other a princess and leader, acclaimed by all, who radiates regal energy.

“(ozai) said she was born lucky. he said i was lucky to be born. i don’t need luck, though. i don’t want it. i’ve always had to struggle and fight and that’s made me strong. that’s made me who i am.”

( zuko, to aang, season 1 finale )

that first sentence was the hook that told the viewers azula would come in the picture in season 2 and it tells you exactly the opposite dynamics their characters would develop on. azula is perfect, zuko is a failure is the message we’re supposed to get, at least that’s how they view each other and themselves, because that’s what their father taught them. but here’s the thing: luck is by definition elusive, and perfection is by definition unattainable. azula spends her life building herself around the vision that failure is inexcusable. because she’s at such a high place, because she’s so perfect, she can never fail, because she can’t and because she’s not allowed to. that mentality is bound to doom her, it’s inevitable. it’s a direct opposition to zuko, who builds himself in the fact that he’s failed so many times, that he made so many mistakes, that each taught him lessons. when zuko fails once, he knows he can get up because he was miserable for so long that it taught him he can survive anything. when azula fails once, she crumbles. azula is a cautionary tale of perfectionism, and cautionary tales can’t have happy endings. zuko’s approach of life has to reach a happy ending, because he’ll always look for one, it has to reach a redemption arc because he’s not scared of the mistakes he’s made in the past and he is always trying to better himself (the redemption comes when he realises he was trying to meet the wrong standards). azula’s approach of life guarantees a downfall because she’s convinced that failure is the end.

both their stories mirror each other, backwards. when we meet zuko, he’s failing, always, and when we leave him, he finally won. when we meet azula she’s winning, always, and when we leave her, she finally (by which i mean that it’s inevitable, not that it’s good) fails.

and there’s another reason (let’s pretend this is structured, okay?), that’s a little more complicated, and it has to do with ozai.

you know how ozai is barely present in the series? i’ve seen some people argue that azula is a better villain because she’s scarier or because we see her more. here’s the thing:

when you’re trying to portray something that’s really, really awful, it’s easier not show it. when you show something, in it’s entirety (in that context that would mean making ozai a deep, 3 dimensional character that we see develop) it’s... small. to define is to limit (- oscar wilde). when you only show small things tho, details, in movies it can be shadows, think the beginning of stranger things when you don’t see monsters, but can feel a threat, that’s when it can get scary as shit. because whatever limited, physical (or character-ial? is that a word) form you chose for the villain isn’t there in people’s minds, it’s only their own imagination trying to comprehend what you made them feel. and what people imagine based on only fear, or anger, is easily scarier than any five headed monster you can put onscreen.

that’s what ozai is: a looming threat. hell, i’m not even sure we see his face until season 3. he only has a handful of scenes. but i hate him. i hate him so much i could scream into a pillow and he’s so vicious it sends shivers down my spine. you know why? because of what he did to zuko and azula.

when you wanna keep your main villain mysterious, it’s good to give the audience characters that he’s interacted with. characters that he’s close to enough to have had an effect on them, so they can perceive a part of him. and boy did he have an effect on his children

( to be fair here: that idea and most of what i’m saying about it came from Overly Sarcastic Productions video on minions as a trope. it’s really good i love their whole channel, red is amazing)

season 1: meet zuko. he’s a sixteen years old. he’s a bad guy, but written so that you sympathise with him to a certain extent. then comes the Tragic Backstory Episode and you learn that he was challenged to a duel as a thirteen years old by his father after he spoke without permission in a meeting, begged for mercy, got half of his face burned off at the hands of his father, and was banished from his home to search for the avatar, who was dead as far as anyone knew.

now you’ve seen very little of ozai after this episode, but you’re ready to fight that guy, right? i know i am.

it gains a level of depth with azula. after being introduced to a character who is starving for his father’s love and approval, we’re introduced to a new character, who seemingly has all of that. azula is zuko’s ever winning rival. she has everything he wants, her honor, her title, her father’s favors.

(i think it’s worth noting that making your children compete for your love is already a red flag for noticing pieces of shit)

but it’s not enough. azula has everything, she is everything ozai values (cunning, strong, ruthless) and even then it’s not enough to please him. nothing will ever be good enough. and you see two children fighting, breaking themselves to please a father that is seemingly incapable of love, but keeps baiting them, giving them impossible standards to reach so they’ll always keep trying to please him.

okay, now you hate him, right?

but here’s the thing: because azula was a firebending prodigy, she got a taste of her father’s approval. he saw himself in her, where he saw too much of iroh and ursa in zuko. he was proud of her.

he was never proud of zuko. too soft, not strong, or fearless enough. because of that, zuko was never close to his dad. all he got was disdain. because of that, he forms bonds with other people (with his mother and uncle, at first) that expose him to another vision of life. and in exile, after chasing relentlessly, part of him is pushed to the realisation that he can live without his father’s approval. because he had to.

azula on the other hand, quickly becomes all ozai’s. from flashbacks you can clearly tell each of them gravitates around one parent, zuko around ursa and azula around ozai. even in her other relationships (zuko, tylee, mai...) she behaves according to what her father taught her, how to manipulate and hurt others

and ursa has flaws, god i’m not saying she doesn’t. that deserves a post in itself. but she values things like kindness, softness and love. ozai values strength, power and cunning. childhood is a formative stage: you often build yourself on the way you were raised. zuko had those conflicting values, because ursa, and ozai more indirectly, both taught him. but ozai isolated azula from other (adult) presences. this is more speculation but i really think it’s true, for what it’s worth. we rarely ever see ursa and azula interact, and when we do ursa is i think always? reprimanding azula for something that ozai taught her. it doesn’t seem like they spend enough time together for her to teach her daughter a better way.

that’s the thing. ozai’s “love”, or at least approval, was azula’s curse. zuko thinks it’s something he has to aim for, and later realizes it’s only ever going to be conditional and manipulative and stops trying. because he knew another way. but azula always lived with it. it isolated her, prevented her from ever finding a better way. his “love” is what did this to her

so yeah. none of this is saying that azula could never have been good. she was 14, she had a whole life ahead, i’m not some psychology master that can tell you exactly if it’s even possible to unlearn so much manipulation and abuse- i want to believe it is. but this is a story, and to me it’s the more nuanced, more interesting, better story they could’ve written. i think having those two very different and very paralleled stories, for a show that doesn’t shy away from complexity the way atla does, was very important.

while i was writing this, i showed it to a friend, who can speak for toxic households better than i can, and gave me a new perspective and the best conclusion: when in an abusive parental relationship, there’s always a tearing hesitation between ‘breaking free’ and doing what’s best for you, and staying loyal to your parent, someone you’re supposed to love and who’s supposed to love you. zuko is a message of hope ; azula is a warning

[lightsandlostbells]

wtFOCK season 3, episode 4 reaction

Kiss kiss fall in love? More like kiss kiss stay away from me.

I have to warn you. This is the episode where I lost it. I had to go back and edit so much unhappy capslock out of my notes. 

Episode 4

Clip 1 - Het drama again

Zoë shows Milan a video of the shooting prank. Milan asks about romance on the trip, Robbe says there were too many people and too little privacy.

Senne and Zoë have tension because Zoë is pissed that Senne was partying? And that he was posting pictures of parties on IG when she wasn’t there? I mean … look, I’m never a William fan, but this seems like Zoë’s problem. If you can’t trust him to behave when you’re gone, you SHOULDN’T BE WITH HIM. And if you feel like you can trust him, this dude going to bars or whatever shouldn’t bother you. At least it seems to be portrayed as Zoë’s issues. Milan mentions that she’s jealous. He seems to like Senne, and I do find that dynamic cute so far.

I do appreciate that the Noorhelm drama this time is boring and not like “Senne was mad about how Zoë handled her sexual assault” levels of offensive.

That being said ... Robbe’s story. Where.

If you’ve been telling a very tight story so far, where Robbe’s personal journey has been steadily progressing clip by clip, then a clip like this wouldn’t be that bad. We absolutely have not been watching a tight story. Even with the next clip of Robbe doing some introspection, I’m like ... can we not make every scene count toward his story when there’s so much catching up to do? Ten seconds of Robbe looking vaguely troubled out of a two-minute clip that’s mainly about Zoë and Senne’s relationship does not count. A better writer would find some way to make Zoë/Senne parallel to Robbe/Sander, like how Noora talking about William and “if he loves you, he’ll choose you” in the first clip of episode 4 is relevant to Isak sitting there texting Even and Even choosing his plans with Sonja over Isak.

Clip 2 - Milan and Robbe talk gaydar

Robbe checking out Sander on Britt’s IG … finally, some cyberstalking. Did he take a screenshot of a pic of Sander? Lol.

Milan sits down and asks Robbe his opinion of a guy on Grindr, sexy or not? Robbe is lukewarm, giving neutral answers, Milan says he’s allowed to have an opinion on whether a guy is hot or not.

It feels SO WEIRD to have this clip so late, and I’m trying to like … recalibrate my brain so it’s not just because it’s later than usual. I don’t inherently hate if a remake changes up the order of clips. But the problem is that we’re now FOUR episodes in and it feels like Robbe’s sexuality crisis has just begun, I guess? Or rather, efficient storytelling would start out with this clear view of what Robbe’s issues are, rather than muddling into it a few episodes in.

Milan’s all, this guy says he’s not gay, but he likes to blow guys. This turns into a conversation about Milan’s gaydar and how to know if a guy is gay. In the original scene, the purpose of this conversation with Isak and Eskild was there as a way of Isak figuring out if Even was gay. That ... does not really fit this version, because this clip is so late in the season. Isak was getting Eskild’s wisdom right after meeting Even, when he had nothing but a BJ reference to go on. But Sander eyefucking Robbe while kissing Britt and leaning in to kiss Robbe should be pretty big clues to Robbe that Sander likes men, no? And that he likes Robbe specifically. Yeah, Robbe might be doubtful because Sander is still with Britt, but nothing new has happened since the almost kiss to make Robbe doubt! It would make way more sense if they’d adapted the opening clip of OG season 4, with Even texting Isak that he had plans with Sonja, into the clip prior to this one. If Robbe had texted Sander an invitation to hang out, or even just a “hey, what’s up?” and Sander wrote back “plans with Britt” then it would be an understandable transition for Robbe to have some doubt about Sander’s sexuality in this clip, like hey, maybe he’s not actually into me, after all.

The scene might make sense if you think about Robbe listening and applying Milan’s words to himself. Thinking about how there’s “something trapped in them that desperately wants to come out.” Wondering if it’s obvious to other people that Robbe is gay. It still doesn’t quite work and I actually doubt that was their intention (I think it was all about how to detect if Sander is into guys) but I am searching for any scraps of Robbe introspection, so.

OK, at least they had Robbe immediately look up Grindr (I laughed that he searched “grinder”). Good! Sexuality conflict! Why is it so late! Although it was probably more about trying to find Sander rather than a personal move on Robbe’s part.

This is a very gay song, btw (I Like Boys by Todrick Hall). 

Clip 3 - Robbe and Yasmina talk het drama

Aaron talks to Robbe about sitting close to his teacher to see her boobs and the teacher saying she knows why he’s sitting there. I highly suspect this is just a dream Aaron had, unless the teacher said it in a pissed off way. Throw his ass in the back row, big-breasted teacher!

Robbe meets up with Yasmina. Yasmina wants to know the dirt from the seaside, Robbe fills her in. Soooo are they good friends, or what? He tells her about Aaron and Amber and they laugh and stuff. I mean it’s cute and all but like … where is this coming from? Did they become great friends in the S2 that I didn’t watch?

And that’s the whole clip … again, I ask what was the point? 

To establish that Robbe and Yasmina are friends? Way to undermine the development and importance of that relationship by basically cutting through the buildup and hard work to the payoff. Sana and Isak meant more to people BECAUSE they started off prickly and grew to like each other and respect each other via their actions and words, right? That their conversations were more interesting because of their opposing views and resulting friction? That the friction was extremely relevant to the religion discussion?

Was the point to talk about Aaron/Amber and how Amber supposedly isn’t interested? We don’t need Yasmina’s commentary on that at all since we could see how Amber herself reacted to Aaron. Like if Yasmina was all, yeah, Amber couldn’t stop talking about Aaron, she says she doesn’t like him but I think she does, then I guess I could see the relevance of this conversation since it’s “new” information ... but it’s just the same shit we already know. And again: why spend so much time on a SIDE HET ROMANCE during a gay character’s season? Two of out three clips in this episode so far have been about side het romances!

This clip was just not needed at all except to set up Robbe and Yasmina so the impending religion conversation feels mildly less like two characters who have barely spoken on screen suddenly have an intense and somewhat personal talk. Something they could have done in earlier episodes instead of the other repetitive, unnecessary clips they’ve done this season. 

Clip 4 - Dance chicks

At Noor’s dance performance, Robbe’s pals are drooling over the performers (and honestly being rather inappropriate and distracting). At least they got Robbe’s lack of interest right. Even though they have established this FIFTEEN THOUSAND TIMES with the lack of interest in Noor, like this clip almost doesn’t feel necessary at this point! If they’d had it earlier in the season, sure, but now it feels redundant. Like we really super mega get it by now that Robbe’s not into the girls.

The instructor thanks the performers at the end and Robbe says that he was “so gay.” Hey, except you know what? THERE IS NO BUILDUP TO THIS MOMENT. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NONE. Except for the homophobic jokes from his friends in the previous seasons, but there’s nothing I can recall in this season.  But more importantly, Isak’s similar comment was prompted by him taking the gay test in a preceding clip. Taking a quiz about generalizations of gay people, rooted in homophobia! Which Isak applies to the dance teacher! In order to distance himself from being gay! WE GOT NONE OF THAT HERE. For fuck’s sake.

There is no setup or reason why Robbe goes from being somewhat neutral about gay people with Milan asking him about the Grindr dude two clips ago - where Robbe is just kinda like, yeah OK, whatever, you think everyone’s gay, Milan (but he’s not overly grossed out or homophobic) - to this moment where he’s making a derogatory comment about a person he perceives as flamboyantly gay. This scene just happens because it did in OG. And the thing is, obviously you can attribute Robbe’s reasoning here to internalized homophobia. We know internalized homophobia exists and why he has it. But this is a scripted narrative, and any scripted narrative needs to have things happen for a reason rather than just because.

I remember complaining that Skam Italia had a bizarre take on this scene. But that’s nothing compared to the laziness on display here.  

Jens is like WTF at Robbe’s “so gay” comment, it’s clear he’s not feeling it. I do like that Robbe gets defensive when Jens scoffs at him. They ask Robbe why he’s such a downer lately and if it’s because of his dad, or because of the Vlogs. Robbe blames the vlogs and yells and walks off, they’re confused.

Lol I just realized that I don’t think there was any followup to the prank from the seaside trip that had Robbe all pissed off. Nothing to show that the boys reconciled or that Robbe didn’t get over it right away.

I have a big problem with the way the boy squad is characterized so far, and it might be because they come across as more self-absorbed than other boy squads, as well as having a more superficial bond. I feel like so far they’re a rather cynical take on teenage boyhood. Again, not expecting them to be perfect or to be overly mature, but this show has to do a lot of work to make me believe they have the empathy or maturity to deal with Robbe’s situation kindly. (EDIT from the future: lol)

Clip 5 - Robbe and Yasmina talk religion

Oh shit, somehow I didn’t connect that dots that Aaron mentioning the teacher’s boobs would lead to THE boob teacher making an appearance! Unless there are multiple teachers with notable breasts at this school.

Another scene of Robbe not interested in breasts ... I mean, not to sound like a broken record, but this would have been good about three episodes ago.

The teacher is talking about religion and Darwininsm and creationism, which prompts Robbe to complain about how people still have religious beliefs in 2019.

Heavy fucking sigh. Have we gotten ANY religious moments from Robbe’s mom this season? Or from anyone else? Do the writers realize that Isak grilling Sana about religion was prompted by his OWN MOTHER’S religious beliefs and his fear of her judgment of his sexuality? No? Not surprised.

For real, Robbe just complains about religion out of nowhere … and like, obviously religious homophobia isn’t a rare thing, it exists. But it has not been established why Robbe in particular cares about the effects of religious homophobia, compared to say, the casual homophobia of his friends, or gay stereotypes, or gay bashing … we don’t know why religious homophobia has PERSONAL relevance in Robbe’s life. And yes, this is a concern for every gay person! But from a STORYTELLING perspective, there should be some focus as to what Robbe’s main fears are about being gay. Lack of acceptance from his peers? His family? Religion? Violence? Homophobic slurs?

I would say based on previous seasons, the most compelling basis for Robbe’s internalized homophobia would be the homophobic attitudes of his friend group. A revised take on the dance chicks scene might have been done with this in mind, but it wasn’t, and so it’s all just very muddled. 

Anyway, Robbe goes on this tangent and asks Yasmina why she believes in God. The teacher voices what I thought and is like, why the fuck are you talking in class?

Again, there is NO BUILDUP to the involvement of religion at all. They have this shoehorned in friendship, I guess so he can ask her. He does bring up homosexuality at least, and how religion is so black and white.

Yasmina asks him what he believes. ONE THING they got right: they had Robbe challenge Yasmina on an intellectual level, and so Yasmina challenges him on an intellectual level right back. Because a lot of their dialogue is lifted right from OG, that’s why it works. LMAOOOO. Yasmina points out that homosexuality is an evolutionary “dead end” so therefore it can’t be genetic, so what is it? A disorder? A choice? I will also give some credit for her invoking the most anxiety-causing options to get under Robbe’s skin.

But the tone of their friendship does come across very different, because in the previous scene they seemed like good chums who had a rapport, and here it’s like Robbe lashed out at her for no reason, even less than Isak did with Sana, because Robbe just decided to torch his friendship with Yasmina out of the blue. I guess the answer is that Robbe is cranky so he decided to grill Yasmina over religion, but again, the fucking question is: why was he cranky? Two clips before this one they were on warm, friendly terms. In the last clip, he lashed out at his male friends, but that has nothing to do with religion. What the writers are asking us to do is basically just imagine all the stuff that’s happening in Robbe’s brain instead of doing their jobs and showing it to us. You don’t have to spoon feed us but you don’t also get to stick a few peas on a plate and wonder why we’re going hungry.

(REALLY. IT WAS NOT PROMPTED BY ANYTHING, NOT A TEXT FROM HIS MOM. WHICH IS WHY ISAK WAS UPSET AND LAUNCHED HIS INTERROGATION AT SANA.)

(CAUSE AND EFFECT, MOTHERFUCKER)

Clip 6 - Bowie playlist

Robbe is doing homework when Sander sends him a Bowie playlist. Robbe listens to Space Oddity and has a brief Moment. It’s very nice but wow, wouldn’t it be even better if Robbe fell for Sander listening to that? Say, in the last episode? Before they almost kissed? And before Robbe was suddenly declaring himself a Bowie expert to Noor?

Sander calls him, I like Robbe fixing his hair before he answers. It’s a video chat, gotta look his best! They have an actual conversation about Bowie and they flirt. Sander invites Robbe to the cafe later and Robbe is happy except then Britt is in the background and apparently she’s going with them, so it’s not a date after all, oh no. Robbe’s actor is good at subtly conveying his disappointment here.

Robbe hangs up and sticks his head against the bed (lol) and then goes back to Grindr. He immediately gets messages for horny sex and then gets rid of Grindr. 

At first I was like, yay, this clip had a clear point and a sense of cause-and-effect, but now I’m like ... ehhhhh. Because the purpose of Robbe checking out Grindr is either A) so he can look for Sander or B) so he can check it out as a general way of exploring his sexuality (or both). The suggestion is that it has a lot to do with the former, because it was part of Milan’s advice as to how to find out if someone’s gay. But it’s a little weird here, because Robbe just saw that Britt was coming along to the cafe, so he should be discouraged about Sander. I mean, I think it’s still possible that he’s trying to figure out if Sander likes him because he’s getting mixed signals between the playlist and Britt, but it’s just a little off. And as for option B, I’m not sure why now of all times is the best time for that, like if you think about it, the sting of getting his hopes dashed should be the predominant emotion here, would he go straight to Grindr just to be like hmmm, maybe I’m into dudes?

And it bugs me because there is a super easy fix to this clip! Just have Sander send the Bowie playlist, Robbe listens to it, and as he’s daydreaming and smiling a bit, he gets out his phone and checks out Grindr, ready to search for Sander. But there are too many sex messages so he’s just like WTF and gets rid of it. Then Sander calls and they have this conversation that ends in Robbe being reminded that Britt is still in the picture. (Or he doesn’t need to get the sexy messages at all, I mean they’re kind of funny but I’m not sure they’re plot-necessary here.) 

Noor texts him that they’ll meet up later. It’s not 100% clear but it sounds like she knew about meeting up with Sander and Britt, so that means Britt probably told her previously. Which is a little bit of different context from OG, because I was under the impression that Even asked Isak to hang out with them hoping that they’d be alone, and then somehow Sonja found out and made it into a group thing with Emma, making Even grumpy. With this it seems like it was planned as a group thing from the beginning, Britt knows they’re meeting up later.

Or wait, when Sander says he’ll give Robbe advice at the cafe later, does that mean Robbe already knows they’re meeting up? That would make sense because it’s what happened in OG (Even invited Isak in an earlier clip and then Isak found out Emma and Sonja were coming in a later one). They’re incorporating all kinds of OG elements in this episode so I wouldn’t be surprised. But I assumed that this was the invite because we didn’t see Sander talk to Robbe earlier this week? Shouldn’t we have seen that clip since it’s the first time they’ve interacted since they almost kissed? I checked the texts for this episode and I don’t see anything like Sander inviting Robbe, either? Did I just miss something? What is going on?

Clip 7 - Robbe is late to meet Noor

Later that day …. Robbe rides a bike. Very fast. The music is dramatic! This would not be out of place for an O Helga Natt scene

And yet it’s not OHN, it’s Noor? Noor seems annoyed. Because Robbe is late. OH NO THE TENSION WHATEVER WILL WE DO. WE CARE A TON ABOUT ROBBE AND NOOR.

Noor is super pissed at him and starts screaming and shoving at him. What the actual fuck? She complains that she thought he was dead or something and is mad he didn’t even send a message. She says fuck you and walks off. Robbe follows her on the bike.

I don’t know how popular this opinion is, but Noor did not come across as great here, like when I watched it I was baffled at her response. I say this as someone who is chronically early and also gets annoyed at lateness. She has every right to be annoyed that Robbe is late and that he didn’t message her to tell her he’d be late, and I get that there’s supposedly more to her reaction than just this one incident. But the screaming and especially the shoving at him is just WTF. 

Also, she told him to meet him at 19:00, and the beginning of the clip is at 19:21 (I see what you did there) and Robbe arrives like a minute or two later. So he’s 20 minutes late, which is certainly annoying, especially because it’s dark and chilly outside, but IMO not a cause for “I thought you were dead or in an accident!” and the OTT reaction. 

Clip 8 - Robbe and Noor fight

Sander and Britt are in the cafe, Robbe and Noor argue outside about him giving her mixed signals. Has ... he ...?

OK, I’d say I half-see her case, and I half-don’t. If Noor can somehow sense Robbe’s disinterest during their makeouts or lovey-dovey moments or w/e, then I can buy that. I think there are slight moments where he doesn’t seem into it. But Robbe has put so much more genuine effort into their relationship than Isak did. He hasn’t even turned Noor down for sex, really, they’ve just gotten interrupted every time, or she’s thrown up. He didn’t want to go to her dance performance except then he told her he would go approximately thirty seconds later. He went to her dance performance. He went to the seaside with her and kissed her and slept in the same bed with her. This is the first time he’s actually fucked up with her.

Noor sounds ridiculous right now. “Do you still love me?” Uhhhh what??? You’ve been dating for less than a month, really? Did he tell her he loved her at any point? I’m serious, is there some material I missed? Some nuance in the language that didn’t completely translate?

I get it, I’m watching insecure overdramatic teenagers! I’m just wondering if I’m supposed to be on Noor’s side here. They could have portrayed this less OTT and more fitting to Robbe’s actual offenses.

Anyway Robbe and Noor have a screaming fight in the street and he says he can’t breathe anymore because of her. I can buy that even if it’s dramatic because he’s feeling trapped by her due to his sexuality. She walks off, Sander and Britt come outside. Britt goes after Noor and hugs her, Sander sings Space Oddity to signify the crash and burn of Robbe/Noor. He has on a Pink Floyd shirt so at least his musical taste is more varied than Bowie.

Clip 9 - Robbe and Sander by themselves

Robbe and Sander drink alone at the bar, they don’t think the girls are coming back. Sander texts Britt and then tells Robbe they’re going to do something else. He shows him Britt’s text saying that Noor needs some time alone. I mean. this drastically changes the context of them going off together … it’s not because they want to be together, necessarily (although they do) but it’s by default now.

So they leave.

Yeah, I do not love what they did with this scene. It’s short and to the point but I want to point out a few things.

First, because again, there’s no need to break up most of these clips into such short, choppy scenes just because 15 or 20 minutes have passed in-universe. It might be exciting if you happen to be watching and following at the exact time these are being posted, but it also messed with the flow of the scenes and the build of emotions. Imagine if we cut off after Isak and Even left Emma and Sonja and then 10 minutes later we got them riding around on a bike. We’d missed that beautiful transition from the silent, empty room to Isak on the bike and then Head Over Heels kicking in. That’s one of my favorite moments in season 3 and it’s because of that transition. It’s because I was sitting there watching this uncomfortable scene and wishing Isak and Even could be alone and then they got to be alone and my stomach swooped! If you break up moments like those, there’s just not as much build. (Or imagine - horror of horrors - an O Helga Natt where Isak gets the text from Even and it cuts off after he runs out of the church and then resumes when he arrives at the school, so we don’t see his journey. You lose so much.)

Second, there is a curious lack of romantic/sexual tension in this scene. It’s there on Sander’s end, I think, or at least you can read it there due to his focus on Robbe and even some of his body language. Robbe, on the other hand, seems more upset that his girlfriend who he doesn’t even feel genuine attraction to has walked out on him rather than the fact that he is sitting next to the boy he’s crushing on, alone together, right before they share their first kiss later that evening. And it just makes me want to know why. 

I don’t blame Robbe’s actor at all, because it’s the director’s job to tell him how to play the scene. But I rewatched this scene trying to be generous, and there is not a single shred of attraction or tension from Robbe toward Sander.  He checks the cafe door when it opens, he asks Sander to text Britt, and when Sander suggests they leave, Robbe’s first instinct is to ask what if Noor comes back. He sits there moping into his beer the whole time. He doesn’t sneak looks at Sander. He doesn’t try to talk to Sander about anything except Noor and Britt. No banter, no discussion that’s focused on them, Robbe-and-Sander, you know, the main couple of this season (supposedly). It doesn’t even feel like he’s consciously trying not to look or interact with Sander because of the romantic tension. No, it genuinely feels like Robbe’s #1 thought right now is Noor. Does that make sense to you? It makes sense for him to be a little out of sorts due to the fight, but does it make sense that Robbe seems to have no perceptible reaction to being alone with the guy he likes? Does it make sense that they didn’t take this chance to throw in some romantic and sexual tension in order to pave the way for the kiss that is going to happen very shortly? Gotta say that I think this scene exemplifies my earlier complaints about how Noor was so prevalent early in the season and how Robbe/Noor was built up. Because once again, Robbe/Noor has taken precedence over the undeveloped Robbe/Sander pairing.

Finally, as I said above, the situation makes it so that Robbe and Sander are on their own by default, not by choice. Combined with the bizarre lack of tension, that makes this scene fall totally flat. There’s no sense that these two really really want to be alone together. There’s no joy in them running off together. Robbe actually seems reluctant to go off with Sander. And not even because he’s fearful of what might happen, ooooo things might get a little gayer than I can handle right now, but like he’d rather sit here and drink and think about his girlfriend. 

It’s like they were concerned that Isak and Even were too mean to Emma and Sonja so they decided Robbe and Sander would only be alone because it was the girls’ decision to leave them, not the other way around. We even get that text from Britt so we know that Noor totes isn’t coming back and it’s OK for them to leave. I have no idea what their actual motivation was to construct the scenario this way, though. I would love to know. (The answer would probably annoy me so I’m better off not knowing.)

It’s little stuff like this that makes me want to sit down the writers/directors/whoever’s behind wtFOCK and have them watch scenes from Skam S3 and write an essay on the construction and execution of clips. Do some homework about timing, tension, narrative structure, and everything else that makes S3 work. 

Clip 10 - Smooch time

It’s 21:21 so you know what’s happening. Also, bullshit! Why is this happening so fast. You haven’t earned this!!!!

Sander buys them booze. The Sander actor is very good, honestly. I like his screen presence. It is a testament to his abilities that this relationship is working for me at all, because it sure ain’t the writing. (Robbe’s actor is doing well, too, but the writing is dragging him down since he’s present for all this nonsense.)

This scene of Sander and Robbe drinking and riding bikes is genuinely good on its own and they have strong chemistry when they’re allowed to show it. They have easy banter and interaction, there’s a callback to the booking.com reference from when they met. Really, this part makes me sad, because I can see the potential here! If the writing was GOOD, if the story had a legit direction, if it was just better storytelling all around … this season could have been wonderful, they had the right guys to do Isak and Even’s story justice. Instead it’s like this one terrific moment in a sea of wtFOCK.

If they go in the pool I will roll my eyes. C’mon, guys, you DO NOT HAVE THE SYMBOLISM to do this scene. It had a meaning in Skam, in most of the remakes it’s just an arbitrary location.

Yep, it’s a pool.

Sander takes off all his clothes so he jumps in bare-assed, and Robbe laughs. Sander yells at Robbe to get in the pool so Robbe does a fucking striptease while Sander watches, more or less, and he’s about to get in the pool in his underwear, but Sander is like “all the way or no way” so Robbe takes off his underwear after a brief moment of hesitation and jumps in. So they’re naked in the pool. Cool cool cool.

 Seeeeee, on the one hand this COULD be a moment of liberation, I could see it, taking off the clothes and jumping in as a representation of abandoning the stale hetero life or w/e. But I don’t think wtFOCK has built anything resembling a clear arc for Robbe, to the point where this act means anything, really. (Can you imagine Isak doing this in episode 4? I don’t know if it fits his character at that point, but I could at least be like, OK, this is part of his ~rebirth and I think we’ve built him up enough that this moment of liberation feels like a culmination of something.) I’m also not totally sold on the way they presented this, like we’ve got a closeted gay kid alone with his crush and the crush takes his all his clothes off and then Robbe takes all his clothes off with only the barest reluctance (but he’s not like … distressed or worried, just kinda like “aw, man!”) For some closeted gay kids? Sure, guess I could see it! But in the context of “this kid is struggling with his sexuality and he’s alone with the boy he likes and he’s supposed to be going through Some Shit”? Why doesn’t this have a bigger reaction in Robbe? Since they are drunk and not necessarily overthinking things in the moment, however, I will let this slide. Cynically I think this is mostly about trying to make wtFOCK Sexxxxy. I’m not a prude and I don’t have an objection in theory to a teenage couple skinny dipping together, but wtFOCK has a trend of taking a thing that happened in OG and going “How can we do this but more?” and these remakes know Evak is the big sell in fandom, so. They’re making it spicier. (EDIT from the future: Jumping ahead to later content on wtFOCK ... they very much are trying to make it Sexxxxy.)

Also, these guys just haven’t had a lot of buildup yet! And I can see like … rewriting this scene so the first kiss isn’t necessarily some epic release of a simmering tension and growing love, but more of a tentative, pivotal moment with a gay kid kissing a boy for the first time, and having the relationship grow from there. But wtFOCK isn’t doing that, it’s trying to do the Evak thing with the epic romance, and they haven’t earned it.

They go underwater for the breath-holding contest, Sander tries to kiss Robbe (Robbe’s eyes are pointedly closed so this feels like some unnecessary POV breakage) and Robbe shoves him back. He’s still in a good mood, though. They go back underwater and Robbe kisses Sander. Yay, I guess.

Lol, I don’t actually want to sound like a bitter asshole. The song choice is lovely! The cinematography is pretty good! And like I said, they have nice chemistry. It’s just that the storytelling has been so messy up to this point that I can’t get too invested. The very first clip I saw in real time for Skam season 3 was the pool scene - I had just discovered the show a few days prior, and I kept watching the clips on repeat. I could not get enough of this story. I really really needed those guys to kiss. Yeah, I recognize that at the time the story was brand new and this wasn’t the fourth iteration of the same pool scene and the sixth first kiss for this couple, and you really can’t recreate that feeling of not knowing what comes next in a remake like this. Still, I think that if the writing had just been better, I could have been happy and invested in this moment.

I also think that the pool scene in particularly has a tendency to get written in kind of a rote way in the remakes. Some of them have put their own spin on it - I had plenty of criticisms of Skam France’s S3 but I did enjoy their first kiss and I praised that they made up their own symbolism - but some of them have gotten so close to the original, the exact same banter, the interruption at the end, and it doesn’t feel natural for those versions of the characters. I’m not sure if the remake showrunners think that the original scene is something the fans want to see or if they’re being lazy or if they think the OG is just that good (which it is, lol). I don’t think any remake has been that faithful with their O Helga Natt clips, by comparison. 

Anyway they get caught, yadda yadda.

Clip 11 - Morning after the pool smooch

Robbe gets up and sees Zoë looking at Senne, seemingly hungover, on the couch. She makes coffee to spite him since the coffeemaker is loud.

Zoë asks Robbe about last night and says Noor was at the door. Robbe doesn’t tell her what really happened. Apparently Noor looked like she felt bad. I don’t think I can handle more Robbe/Noor, guys. I appreciate that OG didn’t drag out Isak’s thing with Emma once he kissed Even, but I’m not confident this won’t happen here.

Zoë asks if he’s all right. Man, the most effective relationship this season is probably Zoë and Robbe? Which is fine! But like … boy squad ain’t great, Sander and Robbe aren’t well developed, they fucked up Yasmina and Robbe already, Milan and Robbe are way behind schedule…

What if the reveal were that Sander were in Robbe’s bed?

It’s not. Instead, Sander texts him as a cover of Space Oddity plays. Robbe has angst and blocks Sander on WhatsApp. Ohhhh my. Another thing I appreciated about OG? That Isak was all in after he kissed Even, and that the angst came from different places besides the typical gay coming out storyline of “kissed a boy, regretted it, went back in the closet temporarily.” Not that it’s unrealistic, just that it’s done so much.

I think we’re supposed to take away that Zoë saying Noor was there looking sad made Robbe reconsider what happened with Sander? Or just general internalized homophobia. I don’t think the latter is totally out of Robbe’s characterization based on what we’ve seen so far, although I wish there was clearer writing so it felt more like “Robbe has internalized homophobia that made him block Sander” and less like “????? internalized homophobia I guess.” Again, I’ll letting this slide because I can also rationalize it as him being a little drunk last night, and now that he’s sober he regrets his choice, even if I don’t think this is a great choice at this stage in the season.

Clip 12 - The heaviest of sighs

The subs helpfully gave a trigger warning for homophobic slurs so I knew this was going to be “good.”

Robbe is listening to music as he goes home. Sander comes up to him, smiling, wanting to know why Robbe blocked him. Robbe says to leave him alone, that Sander got him drunk and took advantage of him.

L M A O welp, this would soooo kill this ship for me if I were invested.

FIND SOMEONE ELSE, SANDER, YOU DESERVE BETTER

Oh, so Robbe also shoved him and called him a dirty f****t! What a great romance!

No, really - this is the EXACT THING I was so glad that Evak DID NOT DO. I’m not saying their romance has to be free of flaws, that there can never be fuckups, that Isak can’t ever hurt Even and vice versa. But this is such a common and ugly trope in gay media. 

Robbe goes inside and slams his door, Milan asks what’s wrong, Robbe tells him to leave him alone. We get Milan’s POV and not Robbe’s at the end. 

Anyway lmao. wtFOCK indeed.

Did you enjoy the cuddle scene in Skam, where a same-sex couple got to be tender and sweet and open with each other for almost seven minutes? A clip that felt refreshing and even revolutionary for its normalization of gay intimacy? Hahahaha, fuck you.

Okay, seriously though. It’s not a problem that we didn’t have the cuddle scene immediately after the pool scene. It’s not a problem that they want to change up this storyline and make it their own - though again I would ask the creative powers at wtFOCK why they’re making these particular choices. It’s not a problem if Robbe and Sander’s relationship has some extra bumps along the way to their happy ending.

WHAT EVEN PROMPTED THIS CHANGE IN ROBBE, like I get the answer is “internalized homophobia” but Robbe was BUCK NAKED WITH SANDER IN THE POOL so like. Can we please get SOME context for why he suddenly had a freakout? Can we please get some narrative structure with cause and effect? Can we get a fucking reason that Robbe went from 0 to 100? Because if it was just the blocking Sander on WhatsApp, that’s one thing, but accusing him of sexual assault and calling him slurs is so vastly beyond that. If we’re supposed to take away that Robbe feels bad about Noor, that still doesn’t explain the ugliness of his reaction, rather than just telling Sander that he has a girlfriend and it was a mistake or whatever.

I’m going to add that I understand that Robbe went through some additional homophobic shit from his friends in previous seasons - I remember Moyo saying crappy things to him in S1, and I watched a S2 scene where the same thing happens. So I can understand if  Robbe’s internalized homophobia is very strong. But they’ve also cut out so much stuff in this season that added to Isak’s internalized homophobia (no mom’s religion making him anxious, no gay test, no gay generalizations from Emma...) If they want to rely on internalized homophobia from previous seasons, then we really need a reminder in this season, such as his friends making homophobic jokes, which I do not recall hearing so far. And they need to show what happened between the kiss to provoke such a homophobic reaction.

After Sander said that thing about not knowing if anyone would ever love him … why did they do this? I love me some pain in storytelling but this isn’t just angst, this is needlessly cruel.

There is, believe it or not, a middle ground between “conflictless fluff” and “cruel homophobia and assault allegations” where you can have some tension, even have Robbe have a freakout, without bringing in this kind of material. Robbe could have told Sander to stay away without accusing him of assault or calling him slurs. He could have said he wasn’t gay or that it was a mistake or even “I was drunk” without following it up with “and you took advantage of me.” All of these options might have stung for Sander and for any viewers who were hoping for morning-after cuddles, but they also create conflict without pushing it over the edge into OTT cruelty. 

HOW I WOULD REWRITE THIS EPISODE:

Ahahahaha

So far this season is like a disconnected set of scenes from Skam S3 with bonus filler scenes and unnecessary clips about non-Robbe things. It’s getting hard to think about rewrites because the point, if you will, so often so unclear. It’s also hard because this episode squeezed in so many OG scenes that were missing from earlier in the season that it’s like, well, shouldn’t we have had this a few episodes ago? Should we just leave them out now?

Okay. Start by getting rid of the first clip in this episode that’s mostly about Zoë/Senne, bump up the Milan clip. We start with Robbe looking at pics of Sander on IG, Milan comes in and asks if there was any romance on the trip, then they get into the Grindr talk, etc. The Grindr talk makes more sense before Robbe almost kisses Sander, but like. We can’t do anything about that now. What might be better is if the whole “how do you know if a guy is gay?” thing takes a swerve into not just Robbe trying to figure out Sander, but to something uncomfortably close to Robbe’s own behavior (like IDK, referencing body language and how a guy will lean in closer, like Robbe did with Sander) and then Robbe gets cranky because he’s worried he’s too obviously gay to other people. After Milan leaves, he starts looking up stuff like “how to act straight” or “how not to seem gay” or whatever. That leads us into the next clip...

... the dance chicks scene. Now we’ve seen plenty of Robbe being disinterested in girls already, so this time we’re going to show him trying to be interested in girls instead. Like he’s watching his friends’ annoying horny reactions and he’s clearly trying to imitate them and join in, but we can see that he’s awkward and not totally feeling it. But he’s trying. Then after the performance, Robbe makes the comment about the dance instructor being so gay.

There is a problem, IMO, in that Robbe’s friend group has been shown to be more homophobic than the average boy squad (as seen in S1 and S2). And frankly I don’t really believe yet Jens is the type to shut down a homophobic comment. Like in S2 Moyo and Robbe straight up start calling each other f*gs and Jens is like chill, no one here is a f*g, but if there were, you should date each other. That’s his idea of intervention. So I’m not sure how to handle that. 

I don’t love this idea, because I hate what they’re done with Moyo in particular, making him pointedly more homophobic (to be discussed in a future reaction) but Moyo and Aaron could perhaps laugh at Robbe’s comment and start riffing off it, while Robbe is sitting there pretending to laugh but looking increasingly uncomfortable, and Jens notices something is off with Robbe, and he tells the guys to knock it off, the guy is gay, so what? Big deal. Then aside from the other guys, he asks Robbe if something is wrong, and Robbe snaps at him or attributes it to family problems again. 

I was going to also say that the setting for this clip doesn’t really allow for Sander to swoop in, like Even did to return the snapback, but actually maybe it could? Noor could have invited Britt and Sander to watch the show, right? So maybe when Robbe makes this gay joke and his friends are laughing, Sander comes up while Britt is talking to Noor and is like, hey guys, what’s up? Robbe’s friends are just like, oh nothing, did you see how gay that guy was? Then Sander is like, sorry, what’s the problem with being gay? He tells them off a little. Meanwhile Robbe is standing there awkward as fuck, not looking Sander in the eyes, while Sander is looking at him for backup, but Robbe just makes an excuse to bolt. Maybe he walks past Noor without saying anything, so she looks confused.

Now onto Robbe and Yasmina. Man, I truly hate saying this. But: If you are not going to incorporate other religious themes into this season, then you don’t need to redo the Isak-Sana friendship. Again! I don’t like suggesting this! But what actually is Robbe and Yasmina’s relationship bringing to this season when it’s portrayed like this? 

They left out the weed blackmail, which is really just a plot device in OG, but it’s a plot device that sets up Sana and Isak’s thread. It also gets Isak to kosegruppa to meet Even, something which is irrelevant here.

Sana’s main tie to S3 is Isak’s mom. Isak’s mom is religious, that makes him anxious, and it’s a hurdle to coming out to her. Robbe’s mom is not religious, Robbe’s internalized homophobia doesn’t seem to have anything to do with religion specifically other than this one scene with him and Yasmina. It’s just a disconnected tangent. What’s more, what is Yasmina’s eventual advice going to do for him? Sana’s advice led Isak to come out to his mom.

I really like Yasmina. If there’s another way that her presence is relevant to the themes of this season, by all means let’s find it and include her. As it is, either make it that Robbe’s mom is religious and include the Robbe-Yasmina subplot, or don’t and leave it out. 

I would love to see in-depth and meaningful friendships develop among all the characters in the Skam squads, just because I love all those kids. Jonas and Vilde? Even and girl Chris? Eva and Mahdi? I don’t care how random, let’s have them all! But there is a finite amount of time per season, and we can’t extend time for all possible relationships - just the ones that are most relevant to the story we are trying to tell. 

I mentioned above a fix for the Bowie playlist clip that makes it have a little more sense to me. If you include Sander in the dance chicks clip like I said, you could have Robbe thinking about Sander again and wondering if he’s into men since he called out the boys’ homophobia. That’s how he ends up on Grindr. Then Sander sends him the Bowie playlist, Robbe listens, Sander calls and they talk, Robbe apologizes for bolting out of there the other day. Sander invites him to the cafe later, Robbe’s all :D until he realizes Britt is there and is coming too, then he’s :(

He’s late to meet Noor and Noor is upset, but not like ... screaming and shoving at him. She’s more snippy and passive-aggressive, she walks off. She says she’s upset because he ditched the dance performance without talking to her, and then he’s late to meet her, it seems like he just doesn’t care that much. They have a fight but it’s like a normal fight and not The End of the World. Just tone down Noor’s OTT anger and make it more natural.

I don’t have a preference in this version whether Noor and Britt leave the cafe and Sander and Robbe know they’re not coming back, or whether Noor and Britt just go to get some air and cry it out and Sander is like fuck it, let’s leave. The important thing for me is that Robbe sits there with Sander, painfully aware that they’re alone, and there’s lots of tension and awkwardness and his brain is clearly hyper-focused on the proximity of Sander’s knee to his own. They banter and flirt and then when Sander suggests they leave, Robbe acts like he wants to go.

Don’t do a pool scene for the first kiss. Give a shit, make it your own. Except IMO they have done so little to establish this relationship in terms of larger themes or symbolism that they have nothing to choose from. 

Man, what if THIS episode was about going to the seaside, after they had been talking for several episodes, and they kissed in the sea when they were alone? That would be at least somewhat plausible? A take on the pool scene/underwater kiss that wasn’t the exact same.

You could do something related to graffiti, perhaps? Instead of breaking into a pool, they break into the tagging place or wherever. Or something else related to Sander’s artwork, because I know that this comes up in their version of O Helga Natt.

I’m not wild about adding this blip in Robbe and Sander’s relationship after the kiss, because of how much ground we need to cover the rest of the season (it messes with the pacing yet again) and also just because I like that Skam didn’t do this expected route. However, if they wanted to make Robbe try to shut out Sander again: the strongest case for his internalized homophobia seems to be his friends. So have him meet up with them again the day after kissing Sander. His friends bring up Sander and how weird he was at the dance performance about the gay instructor, like it’s just a joke! He took their comments way too seriously! Is Sander gay or something? And maybe Robbe tries to defend Sander - no, he’s a cool guy, really - and then his friends are like, pffft, what, do you have a crush on him? Robbe denies and everybody chills out, but Robbe seems troubled. Maybe this is when Jens finally gets a fucking clue and realizes something’s up with Robbe, and in the future there’s a scene where he shuts down gay jokes. For now, though, we do see how Robbe would feel compelled to go back in the closet. Sander texts him and Robbe blocks him.

Now we come to the worst part. So. Take out Robbe calling Sander a sexual predator and a homophobic slur and pushing him, that’s for sure. If he must reject Sander, do it in another way. “I’m not gay.” “I was drunk.” “It was a mistake.” “I have a girlfriend.” It’s not actually hard to do this clip without adding this ugly taint to their relationship.

Since I’m trying to think of rewrites without just copying Skam, here is a radical change on how to include a post-kiss freakout from Robbe earlier on so the pacing isn’t as odd. In previous recaps, I suggested Sander should be introduced earlier as a mysterious stranger that Robbe is trying to find. Well, maybe we can rework that. Robbe and the mysterious stranger share a kiss in episode 1. They’re hiding from the police or security or something after getting busted at a party or while tagging or w/e, and they’re both a little drunk and high on adrenaline, they’re smiling and laughing because they actually got away, and it just ... happens. The mysterious stranger can initiate it, but Robbe tentatively reciprocates before running away. Robbe freaks out and it’s after this that he starts heavily pursuing Noor. Because, you see, he’s not gay, he was just drunk, and it was all that other guy’s fault. But at least he doesn’t have to see that random guy again, right? No one will ever know. Just like no one will ever know if late at night when he can’t sleep, he does a Google search to see if he’s gay if he liked kissing a boy or if he can’t get it up with his girlfriend. Or if he goes on Grindr to see if he can find the mystery dude. It’s a bust and Robbe gives up and settles into dating Noor. Except in episode 2, OH SHIT, he’s introduced to Sander again via Noor, and it’s awkward and fuck, Sander has a girlfriend. Well, that’s good, right? Totally not a bummer. Anyway, Robbe tries to avoid Sander or tiptoe around him but they end up spending time together because they’re stuck at the seaside under the same roof. Maybe they directly address the issue by Robbe saying he’s not gay and Sander being like “me neither” (which technically is not a lie, lmao) and brushing it off as a mistake, or maybe they both pretend that it never happened. Maybe Robbe is more aggressive about it at first and Sander is like, whoa dude, chill out, I’m not going to tell anyone. Still, they get to know each other, there’s heaps of sexual/romantic tension, and in episode 4 (or 5 or whenever) they kiss again and it’s Epic.

This arc is definitely not the same as Isak’s or Evak’s and I absolutely won’t claim that it’s in the same league as what Julie Andem did, but I can see a narrative arc like this making some sense. Better than trying to do Isak’s arc half-assed.

It occurs to me just like … how little we know about any of these characters in terms of subtext or something? No hints about Sander’s background, really? Let’s get some clues in there.

I think something I miss about Skam was how kind it was. How all the characters were at heart, good people capable of the most generous love and empathy. And maybe we’ll get there with these characters in the end, but overall, so many of these people just don’t feel like that! There’s so much more ugliness and cruelty involved in this story, and it doesn’t feel like it’s done with good intentions, like to show the audience how to handle these situations and to heal. 

There’s this weird attitude of defense where cruelty, tragedy, and negative events are defended in the name of realism and there’s a backlash to the backlash, acting like the critics just want fluffy plotless hand-holding and cuddling, a conflict-free season, or a story where no one makes mistakes. And it’s like people forget that in Skam season 3, the story was FULL of angst! We know Evak get their happy ending but like … from episode 1 all through O Helga Natt, the story is packed with conflict. People hurt each other. Even in episode 10, not everything is perfect. It is very possible to do angst and conflict without this ugliness. Like … I have to assume people weren’t here for episodes 5 and 6 of Skam S3, or for the hotel scene, or episode 9 up to OHN, because I can assure you, there was no lack of angst. There was just a lack of shock value gratuitousness.

As always, let me know if I missed something due to cultural or linguistic context.

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

Hey Chekhov, I'm gonna say in advance that if this ask is too invasive and/or personal, please ignore it. I recently came out to my best friend(and myself) that I am nonbinary, and the thing that made me realize was that I had experienced pretty bad gender dysphoria when I was younger(w/o having a term to describe it). I am curious in your own experiences with dysphoria, whether you had any, how it was for you, etc.

Aight, I’m gonna put this under a cut because I’m sure no one else need to be reading through my life story (which is painfully boring):

Basically to get a few things out of the way immediately because I know there will be some people reading this looking to poke fun at me for it, so this first part is for you - to give you something to do with your time because I pity you: 

I identify as agender, I consider myself to fall under the umbrella term ‘nonbinary’, and I have felt this way throughout basically... my whole life. (Granted, I also did not have words for this until I was in my late teens.) 

I’ve used the word agender for myselg for about 10 years now, my views regarding my gender have not shifted - and I hate the presumption that there are ‘trans-trenders’ out there. I don’t personally believe that is a thing. I think exploring your gender feelings and your gender presentation and etc is super cool and an interesting thing to do.

I believe negotiating yourself socially with regards to your gender is actually quite healthy, so if you think it’s “just a call for attention” then we already disagree. 

People want to be perceived in specific ways. That’s not a novel concept. Most people have an image of themselves they like to broadcast to the world. (Strong, smart, witty, friendly, a salesman, an artist, a feminine icon, etc.) This has been true for CENTURIES. It just so happens that now we can finally be more flexible in how we perceive gender without life threatening repercussions, so many more people are open to the idea of doing it. 

I do not believe that one must have dysphoria to be trans/non-binary, although obviously many transgender people do. I believe the defining experience of identifying as trans is a GOAL of how you want to be perceived or how you want yourself to be defined in society, because - again - I believe gender is socially and culturally negotiated. 

If you disagree with any of this - cool. You can send a message to my main tumblr @thechekhov and yell at me about it if that’s how you enjoy spending your time, but I cannot promise I’ll answer you because frankly I have hobbies and shit I enjoy doing, so I’ll probably be doing that instead.

And as an off-topic mention: I don’t personally identify as ‘trans’ (although many nonbinary people obviously do, and have every right to) and there’s a lot that goes into that but the bottom line is that I just don’t want to take up space in that community because I personally don’t want to ‘transition’ and that’s not a part of my identity in that big of a way.

But regardless of that:

To get to the meat of it (and get ready to be thoroughly disappointed if you’re carnivorous because I am the worst person to ask about this.)

I drew the lucky lottery ticket of genetics and scored well in two fields:

1) I’m white (bears mentioning, because people of color honestly get so much more shit for being nonbinary)

2) I’m naturally relatively slim and puberty kinda grazed me instead of hitting me head on. I never developed overt (publically visible) secondary sexual characteristics for my ‘assigned’ gender.

So by and by, I’m actually already WAY not the person to talk to about this because I got off easy and I’ve never actually had any big amounts of dysphoria. Other people had dysphoria FOR me (my grandmother lamented my androgyny on my behalf) - but I was always quite comfortable with my body. 

It also has to be mentioned that I never actually actively cared about my body. I was briefly invested in fashion in high school, and through college experimented with fashion and various haircuts, but three out of the five days a week I literally do not look in the mirror before I go to work. And this has nothing to do with hating how I look - I just forget to. So... I suppose that says something about me. Not sure what. (My coworkers have never complained terribly about what I wear, so presumably I do a swell enough job of passing as a human being with functioning eyes). 

That being said - when I dress to my assigned gender, I often get comments that kind of skim the borderline of “oh, finally, you’re normal for a change”. They’re always well-meant, but quite surprised, because I feel like people have come to expect me to dress a little weirdly. 

And that isn’t to say I haven’t experienced disgruntlement with how I’m perceived. People often purposefully gender me at work - and that’s not a totally bad thing, and I don’t blame them for it. The country I live in has close to ZERO knowledge of non-binary identities, even WITHIN the local LGBTQA+ community, so I can’t expect others to know anything more. But I think my ability to not care about this spills over from my ability to not care about my appearance. It’s just a handy little personality trait - I am blissfully indifferent to what others think of me 90% of the time (as for the other 10%... well... we all have bad days. I’m not totally emotionless.) 

Perhaps this will get me into hot water but - I’ve never once corrected a person about my own gender. I’ve been fully comfortable in it, and I am aware of it in my own head but as someone who has been in the closet about my bisexuality for over 10 years, I am not invested in risking social retaliation for the sake of something I know 90% of the people around me will not understand - or perhaps purposefully misunderstand. 

If asked about it I’m rather forthright, and I make jokes about it with friends, but other than that I just kind of.... live my life. Whether or not I’m ‘clearly nonbinary’ to my peers is up for debate - I like to think I am, but like the metaphorical mirror that I avoid looking into, I never actually questioned any of my irl friends about how well I ‘pass’ or... don’t, I guess? But it’s not actually that important to me. I dress how I enjoy dressing, which is, I think, the most important thing (and it confuses the students a bit, they can’t gender me as successfully as adults can).

And that’s all I need, really. 

Cheers. 

[a-crimson-lion]

I Need To Stop Reading Into Things…😂

Yet again for @kiricookie .

[Check out this post first.]

So… we’re here again. Lord forgive me, I’m back on my bulls***.

Okay, jokes aside, I really should stop doing these things, but I am a stubborn individual. Plus, I wanna see how our notes compare, and try to have more civil discussions on the internet than I see on average. I’d reblog, but again, your post is already long as is (not incredibly long, but still), and I’d rather not occupy dashboard space more than I need to.

Alright, I think I’ve said my piece. Let’s talk about your post…

Oof. Starting right in the heart of the issue, really.

I am aware that Izuku is… incredibly likeable. I am aware that some of his issues, while perceived by some as noble, are heavily problematic and probably need to get sorted out before the boy gets a close audience with death. I am also aware that some of his habits are less than courteous in some circumstances, though like you said, Izuku has the benefit of having no malicious intent when it comes to these actions, even if they can come off as annoying.

Now, regarding Katsuki’s snail pace development… I get what you’re trying to say, but that doesn’t make it come off as any less frustrating...

As much as I want to believe that Katsuki’s upbringing in society is what’s stunted his growth so badly, I wish the narrative was more willing to show it. All we’ve gotten of Katsuki’s past are flashbacks from Izuku, remarks during the visit to the Bakugo household, and the “raised with violence” line from the Remedial Course arc. Now this understandably paints a pretty terrible picture, but uh… what has Katsuki done to try to fix it? How has Katsuki tried to demonstrate that his upbringing wasn’t justified? Why is he imitating the behaviors he supposedly despises, that supposedly keep him held back, instead of trying to find a workaround? I’ve only seen a few growth/redemption arcs of antagonistic characters, but even if the arcs took long, there was always an ultimate reason for doing so. And Katsuki doesn’t have that. At least, not yet.

It’s been implicitly established that Katsuki’s growth will be the mother of all slowburns. I’ve mentioned it in this old post of mine, but this is doing Katsuki no favors, at least for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a flawed character, but there’s only so much I can stomach before a flawed character becomes less “flawed” and more “asshole.” I personally believe that his true growth doesn’t get started until “Deku vs. Kacchan 2” (Episode 61), but if we really wanna consider that “Bakugo’s Start Line” (Episode 8) is his… well, start line, then that only makes it worse. Because again, his character arc is, as we’ve established, slow. But the fact that it’s slow enough for several other character arcs to transpire (Shoto, Tenya), as well as slow enough to allow “background characters” some significant development and return to relevancy (Eijiro, Hitoshi), I start wanting to stop holding my breath for his arc’s supposedly inevitable conclusion. Now I know you personally consider the suspense a positive, but it’s the opposite for me. I’d chalk it up to impatience, but again, MULTIPLE character arcs have transpired, and a few have been far more believably gradual compared to Katsuki’s.

While it is impressive that Katsuki was willing to pour out his feelings to Izuku, I’d like to argue that it wasn’t as… well, sentimental. Remember that society and Izuku’s peers before UA regarded him as the lowest of the low. The weakest, the most worthless. “The pebble in the path.” Considering that Katsuki lost the Training Exercise AND technically got outsmarted by Izuku, who was considered this until VERY RECENTLY, I’d imagine that’d be one hell of a blow to his ego. It is still significant that he’s willing to talk to Izuku about this, but it’s not exactly because he’s humbling himself. It’s because he’s begrudgingly admitting that he’s not the best, and it’s been well established that he HATES not being the absolute best. And I don’t know about you, but suddenly getting your high expectations crushed after years of nothing but “positive reinforcement” should not be made as big of a deal as it is here. I’m not saying to get over it, because you’ll never get over it, you have to live with it and learn from it, but don’t make it seem like it’s the end of the world and a half like Katsuki did in that scene. Plus, didn’t he essentially reaffirm that he was going to do what he planned to do from the start of his tenure at UA? I mean, good on him for his dedication, but you’d think the guy would want to take a step back and actually try to learn from others if they were so impressive.

Now, the DC Superhero franchise falls in and out from my radar at times, but I don’t think Katsuki and Batman are a good comparison for the point you're trying to make. Yes they both use violence, and yes they’re both intimidating, but for entirely different reasons. Batman uses fear tactics because he finds them efficient; I don’t know what they’re doing with his character nowadays, but from what I can gather in his earlier incarnations, Batman’s not out for blood. Vengeace, sure, but he doesn’t waste time getting there beating the snot out of his enemies. He takes care of them, sends them off, and keeps on trucking. Before they tried making him even more edgy, he didn’t kill and he kept away from firearms because he was well aware of any issues he had. He may not be a goodie two-shoes like most heroes, but he does show definitive empathy in some of his earlier incarnations. Remember, Batman was the kid who lost his parents to injustice. That was his entire reason for taking up the cowl, for becoming more than Bruce Wayne. In the Justice League Unlimited Episode “Epilogue,” he has the option to kill Ace, a teen villain with dangerously growing psychic powers. He doesn’t do that. He takes the seat next to Ace as she begins to die. He offers his support as Ace has to confront the terrifying realization that she is dying. He’s helping another scared kid, because he knows what it’s like.

That’s heroism. That’s Batman.

Katsuki’s motivations and actions aren’t as sympathetic. Him lashing out isn’t for anything strategical; early on in the series and even after his “Start Line,” up until the Endeavor Agency Arc, I believe, Katsuki’s sole motivations are victory and bloodlust. Even if it seems like he’s growing more chivalrous with his resolve, he backslides so many times back into the angry loudmouth trope its hard to want to keep hope, because if he can backslide multiple times before, what’s to stop him from backsliding again? It ruins the suspense for some people. And people are intimidated by Katsuki, but that’s because he’s borderline unhinged. I’d be scared s***less too if a pyrokinetic powerhouse was gunning on me with his eyes glowing like the fires of Hell as he radiated killing intent (an exaggeration, but still). I have yet to see Katsuki use this intimidation “tactic” of his beyond the fact that he appears to be enjoying it, either.

Alright, enough of that, let’s analyze that penultimate question: why hate Katsuki? If you asked me early on, I would say that yes, I don’t like him because he hurts Izuku. But as I’ve continued looking throughout the series, I now say that I don’t like him because, contrary to what he says, virtually everything is handed to him. Most of the time, its people mistaking his battle thirst as chivalrous determination, whether it be against a villain or just a standard opponent. He never tries to make himself any more “likeable,” and while Class 1-A is quick to call him out for this in the USJ Arc, by the Sports Festival they’re all flocking to him, and I have yet to understand any proper reasoning for this. It’s less like Katsuki proving there’s more to him than meets the eye and earning the respect of his peers, and more so that people latch on to the abstract concept of Katsuki’s coolness and strength, and he just begrudgingly tolerates them from there.

I mean, Eijiro was wholeheartedly against Katsuki’s actions during the Battle Trial, yet by the USJ the difference is night and day, and it doesn’t help that he’s interpreting Katsuki’s desire to beat up villains as “faith in his classmates.” Shoto was abused by Endeavor, so the fact that he can’t at least draw some comparisons between Katsuki and his sperm donor is slightly concerning, and while I want to chalk it up to his stunted social skills, I feel like Hori and/or his editors trying to shove in a friendship to increase their overall likeability (especially Katsuki’s) is more likely. Don’t even get me started on the hoops they jump through in the Joint Training Arc. Not even gonna touch that…

Okay, finally made it to the last paragraph. So, here’s something about me you may or may not like: I don’t like people dying, good or bad. Unless their actions are comparable to that of Satan, or at least close, then they shouldn’t get the axe. Why?

Because a dead person can’t change… and a dead person can’t suffer.

Believe me, even though I’ve fallen off the bandwagon a long time ago, I want Katsuki to change for the better. And he can’t do that if he’s dead. The manga’s most recent arc has been hella frustrating because of that, and no spoilers, but the two deaths that did occur did not leave me in high spirits. Hawks, Shigaraki, you both are on thin f***ing ice I swear. So no, lucky for you, I do NOT want to see Katsuki dead just because he happens to be an ass. What I wanna see is proper repercussions that go beyond being a villain hostage and having everyone else’s potential trauma downplayed for the sake of giving Katsuki more sympathy points.

Also, I’m well aware Katsuki’s death would absolutely ruin Izuku. I am also well aware that it is one of the few concrete facts I hate with nearly every fiber of my body. Not because of what it says about Izuku…

...but because I am sick and tired of Katsuki continuing to be the arrogant s*** he is, whether it be his genuine feelings or merely a front. I am sick of the fact that for as smart and aware that someone like him is, he still insists on trying to act like a badass when there is no need or overall expectation to do so. I am sick that he continues to decide to put himself and others in jeopardy, all for the purpose of maintaining his ego. I am sick that he gets all this support, all this help, and yet his development is still worse than a snail’s pace, and the narrative continues to keep letting him off with love taps and leaving him unfairly unprepared for the kill shot.

...maybe Katsuki deserves to get better. But is this really the best way to do it? Really?

Thanks for listening. Hope you got something from all of that.

-Crimson Lion (24 August 2020)

[trashyazeohane]

Perforated stars

Part 1/Part 2

Summary: There was another string of silence, a sudden heartbeat that leaped in his chest, a compassionate exhale.

Then Gary interlocked their small fingers together and let their hands rest on the pillow above Little Cato’s head.

“The three of us against the world? I like that. I would like that. It sounds absolutely fricking amazing.”

Avocato ginned tiredly under his nose.

Additional comments: Fluff, Slow Burn, Angst

Not beta-read, so it may contain some mistakes!

You can also read it on AO3! Enjoy!

Part II ミ★

Avocato was confused. It was a feeling he got familiar with. Welcomed even. Comforting. Soft as a delicate hue coming from the cosmic dust. Similar to a warmness of a sun touching the skin.

But that confusion this time rested in him. In his behavior. In his way of perceiving the world. He was fairly sure he knew himself to the deepest core. He knew all the ticks, all the gears, all the hidden doors that he had shut and then had covered with wooden planks.

He thought he knew himself entirely. That he knew his needs and when he could stop.

But he was never so wrong.

He had thought that what he had been feeling had been a passing trace, a sudden momentum, a guest that had popped in for a light coffee and tea before going on its merry way. But the feeling had stayed for days, then for weeks which slowly had morphed into months.

It stayed even now.

And the feeling was getting stronger. It had found a warm, cozy home inside his heart and didn’t plan on leaving.

Avocato was confused about that.

“Everything alright, dad?”

“Yeah, uh, sure, everything is okay.”

“Are you really very much incredibly sure?” Little Cato nudged, looking up at him with cunning eyes.

“I think Gary is rubbing off on you.” Avocato sighed.

“Am I doing what now?” Gary asked, leaning above table to glance at them.

It took a lot from Avocato to not suddenly jump in place, but he did indeed feel the fur on his back standing up. How had he not noticed or heard Gary walking up to him, while he had been observing him literally ten seconds ago, was a mystery.

Damn, that sounded bad. He hadn’t been staring at Gary in any weird way, he had been just staring and Gary had happened to be in his line of vision.

(It was a lie he was telling himself everyday to feel better, but it rarely worked nowadays. It rarely had worked in the past.)

“Dad is saying that you rub off on me too much.” Little Cato said, swishing his tail back and forth and resting his paws on the table to hoist himself higher.

“And is that a bad thing?” Gary hesitantly asked, lifting his eyebrow and glancing at Avocato.

He swallowed hard.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just… he has a lot of similar to yours behaviors right now. Not necessarily bad.” Avocato sighed. He really felt like he was explaining things to kids. Which was true only in one case.

Gary suddenly burst. In the good meaning of this word. His mouth stretched in a wide grin, so wide and bright that it would shadow even the brightest sun. His hand moved to wrap around Little Cato, who yelped in return, not expecting a sudden show of affection.

“Aww our little boy is finally taking after the more handsome dad.” Gary cooed, moving his fingers through the blue locks.

“Dad, stop. ugh, you’re messing my hair!” Little Cato whined, trying to swat the attacking hand away.

“You don’t know that natural look is the latest trend in fashion!?”

“Who told you that?”

“Ash?”

Little Cato sighed.

“Don’t listen to Ash.”

“Why shouldn’t dad listen to me?”

Everyone turned their heads in the direction of the door where Ash stood, looking at them with quite bored look.

Little Cato huffed.

“Because clearly you give bad fashion advices.”

“Pff says who.” The girl snorted, grinning delicately, although a little bit maliciously. “A person who thinks that jeans with holes are stylish.”

Avocato would be a bit angry that she was speaking to his son like that, if he didn’t actually start to like her too. She had fire inside of her and he respected that. Plus Little Cato never was offended by their bickers, so why should Avocato be? His son could clearly stand his own ground when he wanted to.

“Hey, those are stylish.” Little Cato said, although his voice was a tad quieter and more uneven than before.

“In your dreams.” Ash smirked at him. “Now when we come to dreams, I walked past your room a few nights ago and I heard quite–“

One interesting thing about Ventrexians – they were fast. Lightning fast if they felt that they were in any danger. The muscles could contract ten times faster than usual after the instinct went off and the small doze of hormones got into the head.

Just like right now, when Little Cato leaped toward the door, reaching with his hands to shush Ash by clapping his paws across the mouth.

And clearly the girl knew what kind of reaction she was getting from his son. Because she was prepared for it, laughing like crazy while floating away from the common room, leaving pinkish clouds after herself and angry shouts coming from Little Cato who followed her.

So that was an interesting development.

“That was well… that was something.” Gary coughed, clearing his throat first and then glancing at Avocato.

Who wanted to look away, but found out that he couldn’t.

“Something is definitely a good word to use here, yes.”

The male laughed, a short sound that seemed to rattle the chest – a tad embarrassed, a tad hesitant, but still warm.

“Kids.”

Avocato only smiled in return.

Gary grabbed a tablet from the table and clicked a few buttons on the screen, coming up with a map of the nearest galaxy and the star systems. A soft bluish hue lighted up his face, making the wrinkles beneath the eyes and around the mouth more visible than before.

(They had to land somewhere to fill the tanks. And the ship also needed some repairs, so spare parts would be also greatly needed. Luckily currently they were far away from any enemy.)

Gary moved his fingers across the screen, enlarging a specific part of the map and looking closer at the plants inhabiting this part of the universe. His mouth moved, almost like he was speaking to himself, but no words were coming out. The eyebrows furrowed, got closer to each other and then smoothened when a sweet grin split the lips and eyes shone with happiness.

It often happened when Gary came up with a plan.

There were another several quick taps, sudden blink of the eyes, spark so bright that it could put any sun to shame, another soft snort leaving the lips, accompanying that grin which simply took Avocato’s breath away whenever he was seeing it.

It made him want to do things, things he shouldn’t be doing. Yet the traitorous images, ideas, possibilities still sneaked into his mind, making a comfortable nest there, nearby his ears, so they could whisper sweet promises into them.

A tilt to the right, three blinks, a twitch of the nose, similar to a sniff, puffed out cheeks, turn to the left, a scratch on the chin, pinched lips, confusion clearly written in the eyes, replaced quickly by an understatement.

He wondered if Little Cato caught up to Ash.

“Is there something on my face?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been starring, so I assumed that I you know… I have something there.” Gary said, clearing his throat first and then lifting his face up from the screen.

Avocato’s brain lagged, with errors jumping in front of his eyes.

“I… no, ugh… you have nothing there. I just got lost in thoughts. And you just happened to be in my line of vision.”

It wasn’t that, but the truth was even worse. Worse than black hole pulling in. Worse than the blazing heat of the nearest star.

And it had to be Avocato’s eyes playing tricks on him. Some kind of error in the space-time line of events. Some mistake during the formation of atoms. Because he could swear he saw Gary being sad about Avocato’s answer. But it couldn’t be possible. He couldn’t be dishearten about such thing.

He simply couldn’t.

“Oh okay.”

Gary returned to scrolling through the screen.

Avocato took off the gun from his belt, put it on the counter and started to disassemble it, cleaning specific parts which were rusted due to the passing time.

They sat in the room for a pretty long time, not speaking, just being there, with Gary scrolling through the tablet and Avocato simply cleaning the gun.

Yet Avocato couldn’t simply stop himself from stealing a few glances at his companion. And whenever theirs stares crossed, his mind played another set of tricks on him as he was seeing Gary blush a bit and smiling wider under his nose.

***

Avocato wasn’t a very emotional being. Living and serving Lord Commander had been a tough life, a never ending enigma filled with cold stress that could break the bones and force the hearts into submission. Emotions had been something that had had to be kept under control.

Avocato had known the drill.

But when it came to Gary it seemed like all the lessons slipped past his mind, leaving only an empty space in the notebook. An hollow spot on the orbital after electron jumped off.

Gary made him want to do stuff he normally wouldn’t want.

Observing had been one of the most basic tasks he had had to do while being under Lord Commander’s rule. He had had to be constantly on watch, observing the situation in front of him, behind his right and left shoulder, beneath his feet and above his head, searching for any kind of anomalies. One mistake could cost him life.

Avocato was used to observing, knew for what to search, what kind of behaviors were suspicious, for what types of abnormalities to look in people, aliens and all other types.

But observing Gary had other annotations, other grounds beneath it.

He did it because he simply liked it, nothing more, nothing less. He could get lost in the time as he stared, feeling his heart beating loudly behind his ribcage, playing some strange cacophony that drummed through the bones and muscles.

He observed because it was safe. Only staring didn’t mean anything. It was just staring. Something natural. Something living beings did. And what if he was noticing things other didn’t – muscles nearby nose tensing as Gary had seen something displeasing or sudden twitch of lips as HUE was telling a joke. These were normal things. Ventrexians were perceptive, it didn’t mean much.

(Only the meaning had been set so long ago and Avocato was denying it on every step.)

Gary had one job.

One fucking job. Not getting lost. A simple job. Anyone could do it by following one of the teammates, family members even, holding onto their skirts or belts. It was an easy task, anyone could do it.

But not Gary. Definitely not Gary.

He just simply had to disappear in the middle of a fucking alien market, where the wanted posters with their faces were hanging everywhere.

“When I’ll see him I’m going to kill him so hard –“

“Not unless I’ll find him first.” Avocato mumbled, peeking into a space between the stalls.

Quinn glanced at him, but didn’t comment it.

They had been walking around the market for what seemed like hours, searching for the familiar mop of blond hair, dirty boots, brown jacket or metal hand sticking out of the crowd. With no luck.

“Seriously, you give this dumbass one job. One! Don’t get lost. Keep close to one of us and what does he do?” Quinn continued speaking with the words pouring from her mouth like atoms.

“He disappears.” Avocato gladly helped, muttering under his nose and turning his head left and right.

“He disappears, exactly!” Quinn sighed, pushing her hair away as she came to a stop at the intersection, because a wooden cart was just about to run her over. “He is probably laying in some ditch right now, with his insides out.”

The image wasn’t that pleasing, but unfortunately Avocato had to say it may be closer to the truth than they wanted.

He didn’t say anything, but nudged Quinn and they both ran forward, glancing frantically around, searching for the familiar hair, face, leg, hand, voice, just anything!

Nothing.

Gary could be already being shipped on an enemy ship towards the Lord Commander’s planet or nearby station, bound and beaten, with blood dripping from broken arm and legs. He could be laying in the dirt somewhere, already dead with ribs hollowed out by forceful kicks and covered with holes in size of bullets! He could be bleeding somewhere and they were –

“Avocato? Hey, wait up!”

Only now he noticed that he had been a good few meters away from Quinn who was now running to him, kinda out of breath.

Avocato tightened his fists.

“Okay…” Quinn inhaled deeply, touching her chest while exhaling later on. Her hands moved to a device on her wrist and brought up a holographic image of the area. “Clearly searching together doesn’t work, so we need to split up. I’ll take the north, and you’ll take the south part.” She continued, pointing at specific areas.

Avocato nodded. He liked that about Quinn, always being level-headed in stressful situations.

(Avocato usually was too, but there was something about Gary and Little Cato that made him frenzy inside. That made him suddenly hyper aware of all the possibilities that could be happening and he would be too slow, too far away, too incompetent to –)

“Hey, hey, woah, tiger, slow down your breathing. We’re going to find him! He’s probably alright, talking with some stranger about caterpillars or whatnots.”

Avocato felt her palm on his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly.

“I know, I know.” He said, moving his hand to pinch the eyes. “You’re right.”

“I’m always right.” Quinn added, smiling to him, probably hoping for a small joke, but Avocato wasn’t in a mood for jokes. “Hold tight, everything is going to be alright.” She turned off the holographic screen. “Meet me here in an hour?”

“Sure.”

Quinn sent him another smile and then swirled on her heel to run in the other direction.

Avocato turned too, took a few deep breaths to calm his racing mind and also started to move.

Time ticked by as Avocato passed stall after stall, maneuvering around bodies of various aliens. Their chatters were getting louder in his head with every step as his senses sparked to life. His eyes moved from left to right, needing only a sparse millisecond to assess the situation in front of him.

No sight of Gary here and here and here. He wasn’t in any alley Avocato checked. He wasn’t also nearby any stall that he passed.

He just had disappeared. Avocato knew that it wasn’t possible, but he didn’t have any other explanation than Gary disappearing from the planet, atoms of his being dismantling, moving away from each other, making the coherent image lose focus.

It wasn’t possible, but right now Avocato would believe it.

It was better to believe that Gary just had disappeared than that he was being brutally punched while being on his way to Lord Commander and Invictus. It was better to think he peacefully dispersed the molecules across the universe than to imagine cold shackles on bruised wrists with blood seeping from cuts across the abdomen.

Avocato ran and searched and ran and searched and ran with no good results. The images were getting worse in his head, the possibilities, the futures that could be unfolding in front of them more terrifying than anything he had lived through before.

(The last time he had felt like that had been when Lord Commander had taken Little Cato, had snapped him from his grasp like a rag doll and had hung above his unable to reach hands.)

The hour was coming to an end and Avocato was now one hundred percent sure that something had happened, that he had been too late, that the cold eyes were now blindly staring at the universe unfolding in front of him which –

“Twenty Roxanian rubles and we have a deal!”

“I told you sir one hundred times and I’ll tell you one hundred more. One thousand Roxanian rubles and you can have it. Other way no deal!”

“Twenty one?”

Avocato halted in his steps, almost crashing into some old lady who started cursing at him, and backed away to glance into an alleyway filled with shops, randomly laying boxes, vases, buckets and more.

And there, in the middle of it, standing in front of a small alien was Gary, with red cheeks as he flipped through the money in his hands.

Avocato would be relieved if the anger didn’t spike first, taking control over the fear that had spurted inside his body, forming a new, burning star. His feet quickly took him closer to the human who still didn’t notice his presence.

“No deal, mister.”

“Twenty one and a cool looking rock?”

“I already said –“

“Gary.”

Both Gary and the vendor turned their heads to Avocato.

“Oh hey man, I was just trying to buy…” The words halted in Gary’s mouth, gluing themselves to the tongue. “Is everything alright?”

Alright? Alright?! Gary dared to ask if everything was alright after he and Quinn had spent almost two hours searching for him!?

Avocato felt like exploding.

But in the end he only grabbed Gary’s hand and dragged him out of the alleyway and through the stalls towards the meeting point Quinn had assigned, holding tightly, maybe a little bit too forcefully.

But that grasp was a promise, was a confirmation that all the atoms were there, that Gary was fine, that he was trying to keep up with Avocato’s quick pace while tripping a few times. Everything was alright, no crew member was missing. Gary was there, behind him, walking, breathing, living. Nothing happened.

“Hey, Avocato, could you slow down a bit, let a human being catch up with you.”

But Avocato didn’t slow down, only tightened the grip and moved through the crowd, pushing aliens around.

There was a small gap between buildings, allowing easily for two people or alien beings to pass through, away from the curious eyes of the guards still looking for them.

Avocato directed their steps there, finding no comfort in the voices of the crowd quieting a bit.

“Hey, hey, man come on, please stop for a moment, I need to catch a breath.”

Catch a breath? Catch a breath!? He could have been dead with lungs not being able to fill up ever again, laying in a pool of his own blood and Avocato would be too slow to save him –

“Avocato, bro, everything alright?”

He halted and then turned around to the human who was looking at him with perplexed look.

“What have you been thinking?” Avocato quietly asked, feeling the anger slowly moving to the surface. Similar to a rocket reaching the thermosphere.

Gary blinked.

“What?”

“What have you been thinking! We told you not to wander off and what do you do a few minutes after stepping out of the ship? Walk away!” It seemed that Avocato couldn’t stop, that the more he spoke the faster and louder he was getting. “You know that there are people looking for us, just waiting to chop our heads off, but no, you just walk away from us to argue with a seller! Did you even think about that! About us? Quinn and I have been looking for you everywhere for almost two hours!“ He felt the fatigue inside his bones, inside his throat, the anger and fear so audible in his voice which shook and trembled. “What were we supposed to think when you suddenly disappeared like that with the enemies everywhere around? What do you think we –“

And then there was a soft hand on his cheek, a warm, human, living palm touching his skin.

“Hey, hey, hey it’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disappear. I just saw something cool and you know… followed it.” Gary said in a quiet voice.

“You could have been dead.”

“But I’m clearly not.” Gary happily added, but quickly ducked his head when Avocato glared at him. “Sorry, that was… well that was shitty of me to do. Sorry. I shouldn’t do that.”

Avocato inhaled deeply, suddenly feeling awfully lightheaded with the fire burning in his mind. Everything was alright. Everything was okay. Gary was alive, standing right in front of him. His heart was beating and his cheeks were red and his lungs were working and everything was really okay.

So why was Avocato having problems with believing it?

“Hey, hey, bro, my man, calm down, everything is fine and dandy. See, I’m okay, I’m okay.” Gary spoke in that soft tone he often used while speaking to Little Cato or whispering tiny goodbyes to him and the rest of the younger crew at the end of the day.

Gary wrapped his own hand around Avocato’s paw, where the warmness mixed with the coldness of the metal, and he moved it through the air to rest on his chest which was slowly moving up and down.

Avocato glanced down and looked back up at Gary’s hesitant, blushing, but smiling face.

“See, I’m okay. Everything is alright.”

Avocato inhaled shakily and straightened his fingers, pressing them into the living body, spreading them and feeling the clothes rumple beneath the touch. The heat was emanating from the chest as it slowly rose and fell. Behind it was a lone echo, a beating sensation so familiar, yet strange that shook Avocato’s core, but then made it more calm than ever. A sound of a beating heart.

Avocato exhaled and flexed his hand, but not moved it away, opting on keeping it there.

Gary didn’t loosen the hold on it either.

“I’m alive. Everything is fine.”

“You could have been dead.”

“But I am not. I’m fine.”

Avocato closed his eyes and evened his breathing, letting the heartbeat reverberate in his hand.

Only after a few seconds he opened his eyes.

“Just don’t do it again.”

Gary grinned, brightly and warmly, making Avocato’s own heartbeat accelerate like a starting ship engine.

“I’ll try.”

Avocato let out a dry laugh and shook his head, keeping his hand on the chest a tad longer than necessary before dropping it.

Gary sent him another smile.

They started their steady journey back to Quinn one more time.

Only after exiting back into the loud world of the bright stalls, Avocato dared to ask:

“What grabbed your attention back there anyway?”

“Oh.” Gary said, opening his mouth a bit. “That guy there was selling Oppy and I tried to buy it.”

“Oppy?” Avocato parroted.

“Opportunity, one of the Mars rovers?”

“I have no fucking idea what that is.”

Gary pouted and started a very long explanation, describing in details exactly what he had seen back at the vendor’s stall.

Quinn was both happy and mad after meeting them and she didn’t wait a second to punch Gary hard, before sweeping him in a tight hug that almost crushed his ribs. And after getting to know the story, she even let out a broken laughter while hearing about Gary’s sudden affection.

“It couldn’t be the real Oppy.”

“Why not?”

“The real Oppy was like one and a half meters tall. And the one you saw was like what? Barely half a meter?”

“It could be the real Oppy but shrunken! Like Avocato shrank on that weird bioluminescent planet!”

“Whatever you say, Gary.” Quinn said, shrugging, clearly admitting to defeat.

Gary even argued that it had to be the real robot when they were walking back to the ship. He still did it when Avocato broke away from them, sent Quinn a quick message about his whereabouts and moved back to the stalls.

***

Avocato wasn’t a needy being per se. He clearly had his needs and things he wanted, but most of the time he could control it.

But when it came to safety it seemed like his mind was stopping working correctly, making him do things he normally wouldn’t do.

(Like buying that stupid piece of junk called Oppy Junior which now proudly roamed  the ship, not doing anything productive or necessary, but putting smiles on some faces. And well keeping people safe by simply being there.)

Avocato had to admit he always had had a problem with worrying too much and trying to keep his sparse loved ones safe. He only had noticed it after Little Cato had been born. It had only taken him a second to know that he would do everything to protect that smile or grimace.

Back when he had been under Lord Commander’s command and Little Cato had been out late, Avocato had stayed up all night, waiting for his son to come back, pacing nervously around the house.

He had seen too much not to be worried. And in Little Cato’s case it all had been justified, considering what had happened in the end. Before all of that he had been scared, but then he had been terrified and horrified. It had been only a possibility before, yet his nightmares had become reality.

The chances were against them.

They had to admit that they were living in a state of constant fear, with Invictus and Lord Commander being only a few steps behind them, breathing onto their necks with sick smiles.

Avocato was overprotective. When he wasn’t sure what was happening with his close ones he was starting to panic, losing footing beneath himself.

At the beginning it had been only Little Cato, but then the circle had grown, expanded, swallowing more and more people. Like a black hole, using the gravitational field to pull everyone in.

Avocato couldn’t imagine losing his son. Neither could he imagine losing Gary.

So sometimes he could overreact. He could feel his mind getting frenzy and heart accelerate with the sudden need striking through it to do something.

“Faster!”

“I am going as fast as I can!”

“Well then we need to go even faster!”

“The engines won’t withstand it.”

“They are gaining on us!”

Gary huffed, tightening his grip on the stick. There were a few droplets of sweat rolling down the forehead and cheeks like comets about to crash down.

“Nightfall, how are our weapons?” Avocato asked into the mic, keeping it close to his mouth and staring at the cosmos becoming a blur behind the ship walls.

There was a creak and static jumping left and right.

“Almost dead. We don’t have much time.” The woman exhaled, clearly irritated by something.

A sudden explosion nearby quickly gave Avocato insight into what she was pissed about.

The whole ship shivered in its wake, moving spastically from left to right, while rotating.

AVA’s robotic voice echoed in the room.

“We’re taking critical damage. If we don’t move away soon I think we will be –“

“Toasted?” Hue proposed.

“Yes, toasted.”

Toasted was a faint and light word to use in their current situation. Avocato would say that they were currently staring into Death’s eyes and taunting her. But she was only staring at them, with a kind smile on her lips, like they were a bunch of kids playing on the playground.

(And maybe to her they were.)

“Gary!” Quinn hissed, gripping tightly her seat and looking through the window.

“I know, I know!”

Avocato could understand being terrified and stressed. He was scared too. Even more than scared. He felt the adrenaline taking control over his muscles, seizing them, making his brain work at top speed, forcing the oxygen through his lungs at faster pace. The sweat rolled down his paws and he wasn’t even the one piloting the ship.

Everyone could feel the bitter breath of death on their necks, a freezing blow that could overtake the core, make even the brightest star die and crumble down.

Gary bit down his lip, drawing blood.

“AVA I need you to activate the dimensional drop drive on my command and then after two hundred meters light fold the ship!”

“Gary –“

“Just… on my command.” The second part was added in a quieter tone of voice, almost like a plead that was thrown to the wind.

Everyone inside the bridge quieted down and tightened the grip on whatever they could hold onto without anyone prompting them too. Everyone was conscious of the consequences. Everyone also knew what would happen if they failed.

Avocato stared at Gary – at their so-called captain who had clung tightly to the role, to the position, to this point everyone had started to respect that.

(In the whole crew’s mind, at some point of their journey, this seat had been taken by an overly enthusiastic person.)

He stared at the furrowed eyebrows, at the scared, but focused eyes, at the pinched in a tight line lips with a drop of blood gathering at the corner, at the shaking hands which gripped tightly the controls, tighter and tighter and how Avocato wished he could –

“Now!”

It all happened almost in the blink of an eye. For a moment Avocato floated in a blissful state where gravitation was an abstract, something that was only a theory or an additional letter in a formula. Everything inside of him squeezed as images of his son jumped in front of his eyes, hoping that Little Cato was alright, that even if something happened he would be able to get out, escape, move far away from here, disperse somehow.

Avocato prayed that his son was alright.

His lungs hurt and his chest swelled as he desperately proportioned energy to the segments of the barrier which now really needed it, trying to protect the most important parts of the ship in the same time.

He felt like he was floating, like he was here and not, both in the same time. He was made of matter and antimatter, mixing and swirling together as the danger licked their necks, clawed their arms and wrapped them in a cold embrace, tightening the chains on the throats –

Then there was a burst of light, a sudden gravitational force pulling and pushing, a yell somewhere, his hand tightening the grip on the console, a sudden fear, a cascade of sparks, a wind and a desperation so bright that Avocato was afraid everyone could see it.

And as fast as it all started, it was gone. The tension, the anticipation, the pressure, the magnitude, it all was gone.

They were drifting slowly through the cosmos, together, alone, alive.

“Engines are in critical condition. We are unable to move forward.” AVA said robotically above them. Then like an afterthought, very lightly added. “But at least we’re alive.”

They were alive. And away from danger.

Avocato moved away from the controls, letting the barrier drop, disintegrate into holographic pixels first and then into nothingness. His hands were shaking terribly, so much that even brushing his forehead was a task. His throat was a mess, tightened to the brim, barely letting any air pass through.

The whole bridge was dead quiet for a moment, a short, tensed moment where they all prepared themselves for the worst. But the worst didn’t come.

They were alone in this part of the universe.

“We did it?” Quinn hesitantly asked, trying to loosen the grip she had on her chair, but failing.

“We really survived?” Ash slowly whispered, holding tightly onto the wall.

AVA hummed above them.

“No sign of any enemy ship in this quadron.” A short buzz of calculations. “We’re safe for now.”

Another short spasm of time enveloped them, caressing the sweaty hairs and pecking wrinkled foreheads.

Then a long sigh left Quinn’s lips.

“I… I need a drink.”

“Count me in.” Ash added.

Quinn somehow got out of her seat, swaying as she did so while stealing a glance at the girl.

“Are you… even allowed to drink?”

“After a day like today? Definitely.”

“Fair enough.” Quinn nodded.

Both of them exited the bridge, glancing at the rest of the crew for a moment.

Avocato still needed a few minutes to defuse. Still needed a coherent thought to pop into his mind which would get rid of the dark clouds. It seemed like his mind couldn’t exactly calm down. He felt like they were still on the edge, almost tipping over.

There was a quiet whisper coming from the com.

“Dads, are you coming?” Little Cato asked.

Avocato shook his head, trying to clear it.

“Yeah, yeah, in a moment.”

A short break.

“Dad?” Their son hesitantly inquired.

Avocato glanced to his side at Gary who still clung to the controls, staring at the cosmos spreading behind the window.

A hum of machinery resonated in the space between them.

“Gary?” Avocato tried, whispering it first.

It did little to nothing. Cross that. It did nothing. Gary still stared with wide eyes at something that wasn’t there, with hands tightening the grip on the controls. He seemed frozen in time, drowning in below two hundred and seventy degrees temperature in the space-time continuum, not being conscious of anything that was happening around him.

“Gary?”

Still no response.

Avocato stood up, moved to Gary, dragging his feet beneath him and feeling his tail barely twitching in curiosity and fear of what was about to happen, and raised his hand to touch the man when –

The door swished open and Little Cato barged inside, looking around.

“Little Cato?” Avocato asked, glancing at his son.

The boy quickly moved closer, lifted his hand, but stopped midway, not even touching Gary, but furrowing his eyebrows. His ears flicked back and forth, with whiskers moving hesitantly as a pout appeared on the mouth, crossing it like a shooting star.

“Dad, can you like… go with the rest?”

“But I –“

“Please, I’ve… got it.”

Avocato wasn’t sure what was happening. He hadn’t been here, alive, long enough to know everything. He simply knew that something was off and he wasn’t sure what to do.

Even though he wanted to do something.

Yet Little Cato looked at him with pleading eyes, with resolve so strong that Avocato bent beneath it and nodded.

“Okay.”

And with that he left the bridge.

From the sounds he knew that most of the crew was in the main dining hall, moving around a bit, most likely drinking, while mostly remaining silent. There were a few shushed tries at conversations, but it seemed like no one really wanted to talk. They just needed to stop, get back onto the rails after such stressful day.

Even KVN was quiet, slowly pushing the cookies into his processor unit.

Avocato paced around the ship, trying to get the feeling back into his legs and hands, easing the stress that had taken control over his body.

He didn’t move far away from the bridge, but he didn’t eavesdrop either. He respected Little Cato’s and Gary’s privacy, so he just stayed nearby.

Mostly he was worried. He felt the sudden fear gripping his heart, squeezing it painfully and it had nothing to do with the close to death situation from a few minutes ago.

They were alive. Somehow they had escaped. A task which was getting more and more difficult with each passing day. But they had done it, they were alive for now. And this was important.

Avocato wasn’t sure what was happening in the closed room, but whatever it was he knew Little Cato got it. Avocato trusted him, he believed in him. And yet he was worried, terrified even.

So he walked around, with nothing better to do.

The door opened with a too loud swish several minutes later. Long minutes that seemed like eternities and lightyears, stretching into infinity.

Avocato snapped his head back, looking as Little Cato exited the bridge, massaging his tired eyes. In a few strides he was in front of his son, kneeling and putting both his hands on his shoulders.

“Are you okay?”

Little Cato looked perplexed at him, blinking a few times.

“Uh, sure, why wouldn’t I be?”

“The attack?”

“Oh, I’m yeah, I’m like… totally fine. A few bruises here and there, but nothing major.” Little Cato nodded, massaging his arm and looking at him.

Avocato sighed, feeling like at least half of the weight crumbled down from his shoulders, sputtering debris everywhere.

(He knew that Little Cato was amazing as a defense, operating the cannons, turrets and guns, but it was still one of the most open and unprotected position on the ship, one that could be easily blasted away.)

Avocato’s chest expanded as he took a sweet breath, letting his one hand move down, almost tracing the cold ground beneath them.

But there was still an incredible weight on his shoulders, dense, thick, invisible weight that pushed him down.

“And –“

“Gary is also okay. A little bit shaken, but okay.” Little Cato butted in, looking at him, only to glance at the ground.

Avocato opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it and shut one more time, only to nod in the end, feeling something inside of him coil and twist painfully.

(Whatever he had seen before definitely hadn’t looked okay. But if Little Cato was saying that it was okay now, he believed him. His son and Gary had a connection that ran deeper than it was visible. There was a thread somewhere inside only they could see, a language only they could understand.)

“Okay.” Avocato said, still resting his hand on Little Cato’s shoulder.

The Ventrexian looked at him.

“I’m going to grab something to eat and then I think I’m going to sleep.”

“Good, good.”

Little Cato moved and wrapped his hands quickly around Avocato’s chest, resting his head in the crook of his neck, exhaling quickly and tightening the grip.

Avocato hugged back, feeling all the pieces inside of him vibrating with fear evaporating somewhere, like a meteor disintegrating while moving through the atmosphere. It was a short moment, a heartbeat, a sudden stillness, an eternity squeezed into a second, a calmness, a familiarity, a comfort and a peace that they desperately needed.

“See you later?” Little Cato asked.

“Definitely.”

Little Cato smiled at him and then moved away, directing his sluggish steps toward the main dining room.

Avocato stayed in his spot, only moving up so he was standing instead of kneeling. His eyes jumped like electrons between orbitals, staring at the door to the bridge and the retreating form of his son.

Should he go inside or not?

“If you ask me I think dad could use a friend right now.” Little Cato said, looking at him above his shoulder.

Avocato looked at his son, opened his mouth, but then closed it and nodded. He only caught a glimpse of a smile as he turned to the door directing him to the bridge.

He raised his hand, moved knuckles closer to the door and then faltered.

Should he really do that? Maybe Little Cato was wrong, maybe Gary wanted peace, maybe Avocato shouldn’t step inside?

But then it seemed like Little Cato knew Gary more than anyone else did, so why should he be wrong?

So in the end Avocato simply said:

“Gary, I’m coming in.”

And he did just that.

The bridge was covered only in soft, sparse hues coming from the control panels and boards spreading at the very front and nearby the seats. Some lights were blinking, some were turned off and some were shining, but it seemed like the energy was toned down, conserved, giving only the minimum of power.

(Or maybe they were dimmed down on purpose?)

Avocato looked around the familiar room, quickly locating the lump sitting in the main chair.

Gary was curled in on himself with hands wrapped around his legs and head hidden in a small nest made between his arms. For a moment he seemed still, like a statue, a stone, frozen in a space void, but then his shoulders moved, dropped down an inch.

Avocato swallowed hard, feeling his heart breaking into a thousand pieces, and then stepped forward.

“Gary?”

Gary did twitch and it was the only thing which showed Avocato that he was listening and more important conscious of the things that were happening around him.

The vast universe spread in front of them, universe where the danger lurked, but thousand, if not more, light-years away. For now they were away, safe, alive. But for how long? When would be the next time their necks would be put under the guillotine of time? When would be the next time when the cold hands of Death would wrap her hands around their throats, quietly apologizing in their ears?

The future was an unknown, a terrifying unknown, a scary place to step into.

But for now they were alright. They were breathing, their hearts were beating and they could rest for a moment. A blissful moment. And this was what mattered.

Avocato clenched his fists, released the tension, tightened them one more time, braced himself and then stepped forward.

“Is everything alright?”

A dumb thing to ask about, but somehow this one question left Avocato’s lips.

For a moment Avocato expected Gary to not move, to not answer in any way. But then the head slowly moved in a shaking motion, scattering blond locks everywhere.

“Do you mind if I… sit with you?”

Another shake of the head.

They were at least getting somewhere.

Avocato slowly approached Gary and then flopped down on the armrest nearby the lump sitting on the seat. He put his hands on his lap, fiddling with them a little and glancing at Gary from time to time.

He wanted to do something, something to ease the tension, to brush away the fear that had taken hold of the heart, something to push away the bad thoughts that plagued the mind, something to help, something to just make it better.

(He didn’t have such strong feelings in a long time.)

Yet Avocato wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know what kind of things were okay in such a situation. What would their relationship allow him to do?

(Avocato wished it was something more than a friendship, but he was happy with what he had. But there were these urges, these needs, these whispered pleads which filled his mind.)

But he was also a man of pure instinct. It didn’t mean he always acted on it. No, of course not. But he trusted it when it proposed ideas, possibilities, plans and methods. It was his savior in dire situations, his last chance to escape every danger.

His helper.

So he decided to trust it again.

Avocato slowly moved his hand, flew it across the atmosphere, feeling the gravitation of the ship taking its toll, and then landed it like a spacecraft on Gary’s palm which grasped tightly the jeans. His pads traced the skin, moving into the crook of the gripped fist.

For a moment, nothing happened.

And then Gary loosened the grip, letting Avocato’s hand to sneak closer and interlock their fingers, feeling them click like two gears, a perfect combination of imperfect lives.

It wasn’t much. Just a delicate movement, a sign of trust, of familiarity, of support, of too much and not enough, of stars and planets and comets and stories about space pirates spoken in hushed whispers surrounded by dimmed light. It was love – but in different forms, yet mixed together.

Gary squeezed Avocato’s fingers.

Avocato softly brushed his thumb on Gary’s skin.

They stayed like this for a long time, with the constellations and nebulas passing them by, with their breaths evening out, with their heartbeats slowing down, with everything sparkling to life and then dying.

But not here, not right now.

Gary moved and leaned on Avocato’s thigh, resting his head there.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, not letting go of his hand.

“No problem.”

So they stayed like this for a little bit more time.

***

Some people would call Avocato a bad person. Or well, a bad Ventrexian. He could understand them. He deserved the title. He had done bad, terrible things. Things that couldn’t and shouldn’t be forgiven.

He wasn’t fine with that, but he had learned to live with it. No matter how horrible it sounded.

(From time to time it made his skin crawl with fear so deep that he barely could move.)

But he loved helping others - others close to him.

He would do everything for Little Cato. He would steal thousands stars and pass through countless dimensions to keep his son safe.

And for a long period of time Little Cato had been the only one for whom Avocato had harbored strong feelings of wanting to help. But that had changed after boarding Galaxy One, after becoming a part of the team-squad or whatever Gary called it.

Avocato found himself wanting to help others. Wanting to do something to ease the pain and let them take a sweet breath, so much needed for their lungs.

(He had to admit it that the feeling was the strongest with Little Cato and Gary.)

He had thought before that it would make him weak - having such needs. That it would break all his walls and make him lose focus on what was important. But he had been wrong. It made him even stronger than before.

“Dad, dad, dad, can I have it?”

Avocato glanced down at Little Cato who excitedly showed him a box filled with screwdrivers, laser cutters and other mechanical stuff. He felt his eyebrows raising on the forehead.

“Don’t we already have like ten of these back at the ship?”

Because the engine room was filled to the brim with such gizmos, making it almost impossible to move without crashing into a box filled with gears here and a bag of screws there.

Little Cato rolled his eyes at him.

“Yeah, but we don’t have equipment to repair things from sector 67b! What if we accidentally crash our ship and we will have to change it and we won’t have needed supplies to repair the nearby ship and we will be stuck and –“

“Okay, okay, okay, I got it!” Avocato sighed and then patted his pockets, finding a few slips of money. “Go buy it.”

“Aw thanks dad, you’re the best.” Little Cato turned on his heel and glanced at the small robot trailing next to him and the green alien glued to it. “Come on Oppy Junior and Mooncake, let’s find what more we can buy.”

The robot yipped happily and drove after the Ventrexian to yet another stall, carrying Mooncake with it.

At this pace Avocato would be broke in several minutes.

He closed his eyes and relaxed the muscles, feeling a familiar presence getting near him.

(He would recognize this smell everywhere.)

“Ha, and you told me I was too soft on the kid when I bought him the hoverboard he wanted.”

“You just bought it, because you couldn’t stand his puppy eyes.” Avocato snapped back, not even prying open one eye.

“Don’t you mean kitty eyes?”

“Don’t test me.”

Gary chuckled and leaned on the same wall Avocato had been and still was supporting for the last few minutes, letting their shoulders lightly brush.

Aliens of different races passed in front of them, talking excitedly between each other with smiles gracing their faces. Kids ran around, following each other with mouths dirty from sweets and knees covered with dust. Some vendors shouted loudly to get the biggest crowd around their merchandise, letting the curious eyes wander around until they would lock onto shining and sparkling gizmos.

Festivals – a moment of joy, a time for relaxation, a sweet pause in working to enjoy themselves.

(When Little Cato and the rest of the younger part of the crew had found out that there had been a festival on a planet nearby they had begged them to stop there. And well Gary had been quick to yield, wanting to go too. Avocato had been second to lose, making Quinn and Nightfall being the last to fall.)

“Enjoying yourself?” Gary prompted, looking at him.

“It’s not the worst.” Avocato started, glancing around. “But I’ve seen better.”

There were definitely too many aliens around. Aliens who lurked and warily looked around, aliens who sneaked past the crowd in search of something, aliens who clearly tried to find specific things or beings.

It wasn’t safe out there for any of them. But for now they managed to somehow blend with the crowd of too cheerful kids and tired parents.

In a way, he and Gary were like that too. Two very exhausted dads taking care of their kids who ran around, getting their hands on sweets and games.

(Just a few minutes ago he had had to give Fox a spare change, so he could try to win some price in a shooting range.)

“It’s actually my first time in a place like this.” Gary said, correcting his position.

It wasn’t the most comfortable place to lean on, but it was far enough from curious eyes.

“Really?” Avocato asked, raising his eyebrow.

Gary nodded, glancing around too. It seemed that after saying it, he wasn’t in a mood to prolong the topic. Or that some memories surged forward, flew up like a rocket, trying to breach the atmosphere of a planet.

“Yeah.” He said in the end. “I suppose I never had anyone with whom I could go.”

Avocato knew there was more under that. That beneath it were layers of cosmic dust, molecules and compounds so complicated, that distinguishing specific atoms would be almost impossible. But for now he accepted it as a fact, not drilling it further, letting the time work its magic and appear back on the right time.

“I suppose I didn’t see that many either. Lord Commander wasn’t really up for organizing festivals on Terra Con Prime.”

“Uh yeah, can’t imagine him doing that.” Gary quickly said, looking skeptically at Avocato, but with a small smile on his lips.

Avocato grinned too, but the dark clouds gathered around his head.

Somehow Lord Commander was back, even stronger and more dangerous than before. But was he really the same person? Or was he simply just another puppet in the hands of Invictus? A doll made of bones and muscles, with limbs and mind tied with strings, easy to maneuver around and manipulate to the pleasing of the creator?

(Before all of that even Avocato could sometimes almost see the image of the old person Lord Commander had used to be, but that someone was gone now, erased from the history and existence.)

“He only organized parades to praise his own glory.”

“That sounds more like him.” Gary snapped his fingers, laughing under his nose, replacing the sudden darkness which tried to sneak into the warm eyes.

Avocato closed his eyes and sighed, feeling the smile forming on his own lips. He didn’t want for it to appear, but somehow he couldn’t stop it right now. Not when Gary was nearby and they finally had a free day to roam around and enjoy themselves.

“So, if you never have seen any festivals, then what are you doing here? You can go out there and explore.”

To be honest Avocato felt quite comfortable like that right now. Away from the prying eyes, but with a nice company. Calm. Comfortable. Safe. It seemed almost too nice to be true.

(And to be fair there were days when he felt like he was dreaming, like he was floating in a faraway land under the influence of a sweet sleepiness that took control of his whole mind.)

Gary glanced at him and shrugged.

“I don’t know. It sounded a little bit sad doing it without any company.”

“You could always go with one of the young ones.” Avocato proposed.

Gary waved his hand.

“Nah, they shouldn’t have to hang out with a grandpa like me.”

Avocato huffed. When Gary put his mind to something, there was no way of changing it. He literally would have to disobey the laws of the universe to change this man’s mind about something and he definitely didn’t have necessary equipment for it.

(Trying to do it was like trying to get out of the black hole, only with a stapler. Impossible.)

“If you’re a grandpa then what does it make me?”

“Super grandpa?”

Avocato snorted.

To be honest he wasn’t up for walking around. There were too many aliens checking every stall, too many unfamiliar faces that could hide secrets, too many hands that could sneak into their pockets, too many securely hidden weapons, ready to blast them off.

Avocato preferred to observe the crowd from far away, searching for any symptoms of people noticing who was here exactly. Here he could clearly watch people pass him by, see the guards patrolling, but not exactly yet alerted about anything.

He definitely preferred to play safe.

But he was weak when it came to Gary Goodspeed. The man probably didn’t know that, hell, he definitely didn’t know that a small question could turn into a thousand things Avocato would do to make him smile. It had been probably a simple thought Gary had wanted to get off his chest. No higher and hidden reasons.

Yet the second the words had left his mouth Avocato had known what he had wanted to do.

He brushed softly Gary’s arm with his own and then pointed with his head at the stalls.

“So are we gonna stand here for like an eternity or what?”

Gary stared at him for several seconds, before the concept of what Avocato had proposed finally got registered by his brain. And the reaction was immediate – a smile, giant, radiant, warm formed on his lips, stretching it to almost painful for Avocato levels. Then there was a squeal leaving these lips, a high-pitched sound that could shatter the drums in every ear, but somehow sounded like a beautiful music to Avocato. And then there were hands, clumsily gripping his elbow, shoulder, hand and tugging him in the direction of the music, colorful aliens and cheerful kids.

Avocato obediently followed, rolling his eyes at the childishness of the man, but deep inside being quite fond of it. There was something endearing in the eyes sparkling like supernovas, with the cheeks burning like stars and the smile spreading like universe.

(Plus it almost sounded like a date. It definitely wasn’t a date, but who could blame Avocato if he called it like that in his head? No one, because no one could hear it. So he definitely could do it. In his head. It wasn’t hurting anyone. Maybe only his poor heart when it was met with the reality.)

Gary dragged him from stall to stall, excitedly eyeing everything aliens here had to offer. It didn’t matter whether it was jewelry, books, gizmos, part of machines or food. It all was appealing to him. Maybe the food part the most. It seemed that after snapping the invisible thread that had kept Gary at bay his mouth wasn’t shutting, but was always open, talking, chattering, whispering about everything and nothing in the same time. He was a ball of constant, never-ending energy, vibrating, shivering with so much power that it felt too much for Avocato.

But it was worth it.

It was even more worth it when Avocato managed to win a giant mascot of a Pyrruvian Exalate – something that reminded Gary of an Earth dragonfly. Only those were like twenty times bigger and more deadly. It didn‘t matter to Gary as he hugged the mascot closer to his chest, with sparkling eyes and even bigger grin.

(And if Avocato had had to intimidate the vendor to get it, then what? They were wanted criminals, it had to have some perks, right?)

“Oh my gosh, Gary, how did you get it?” It was Ash, staring at the plushie in the man’s hands which were wrapped securely around it.

“Avocato won it for me!” Gary happily answered.

“Lucky!” Ash said, clasping her cheeks and looking mesmerized at the mascot.

Gary was proudly puffing out his chest.

Avocato only sighed at that, glancing at Quinn who fondly shook her head at the antics happening in front of her eyes.

“So you won it for Gary?” Little Cato asked, standing next to him and then glancing up for a second, only to focus in the end on Ash trying to pry away the plushie from Gary’s steel hold.

“Yep, fair and square.”

Little Cato glanced at him skeptically.

“Yeah, about that. I actually saw some alien furiously pointing at your poster while talking to the guards, so you know.” Little Cato shrugged at the end, smirking.

Avocato sighed.

When the guards came four minutes later, they were already above the planet’s atmosphere.

***

Mostly Avocato spent his time working. He didn’t have that much free time and even when he did, he tried to fill it to the brim with something useful. Repairs here, steering the ship there, cleaning weapons after a fight, preparing food for Little Cato at the end of the day. No matter what it was, Avocato was doing something.

(If he stopped doing them, his thoughts would catch up and he definitely didn’t need that. He had to be in constant move.)

Avocato hadn’t felt like he had needed to spend time with others before. Before Little Cato that was. And even after Little Cato had been born he never really had felt the need to have free time to spend it with someone other than his son.

With Little Cato it was different. He hadn’t had much time while working for Lord Commander, but whenever he had had some, he had spent it with Little Cato – repairing stuff, building machines, teaching him how to shoot and other useful tricks.

For the longest time Little Cato had been the only person Avocato really had wanted to spend time with.

And then had come Gary. And somehow the prospect of having free time to spend it with him wasn’t so terrifying anymore. On the contrary, he wanted to do that. It was a selfish thing – being able to spend as much time together as he could.

(Yet if he had to choose between Little Cato and Gary, he would always chose his son. But he knew Gary would do the same.)

Avocato always found excuses to hang out with the human. Whether it was playing cards, steering the ship, planning their future steps, eating supper, helping with cleaning the engine or other things. Most of the time Little Cato tagged along and Avocato had to admit he adored those times – when there were just the three of them and the wide universe. It was a time filled with jokes and laughter, possibilities of the future, stories from the past and so much more.

(One crooked but whole family.)

Those were the precious moments filled with no worries about the world, titans, Invictus, Lord Commander, death that was threating to take them away. It was just the three of them.

But sometimes Avocato wanted some alone time with Gary too. In a different way than he wanted some alone time with Little Cato.

Spending time with Gary left his heart in a haze, drunk on emotions so deep and bright that it made him exhausted. And yet, those were one of the most calming moments of his life. He felt utterly content while talking with Gary, laughing about stuff or being submerged into a conversation so dark that even shadows scattered away from them.

With Gary Avocato felt like he could open himself fully and the man wouldn’t judge him. And he was doing it, slowly, step after step. But to be fair he wasn’t sure whether he was doing it for himself or because it seemed like Gary was happier the more he knew about Avocato.

It felt like their bond was stronger the more they shared. And the needs became bigger and mightier.

“Oh my gosh, they are so disgusting!”

“They are just kissing each other.”

“Disgusting!”

Gary snorted and then threw popcorn at Little Cato who had done a tube from his hands and was shouting at the screen where a pair was kissing.

“It’s a romantic drama, what else did you expect?” Avocato asked, raising his eyebrow.

Little Cato huffed and slumped further down on the couch.

“I don’t know, but I expected something better than lame kissing scenes.”

“Come on, Spidercat, it’s a classic back on Earth.”

“Your classics sucks.” The small boy said, reached and then grabbed a handful of popcorn to put into his mouth.

“You will love them when you’ll be my age.”

“So when I’ll be a grandpa?”

“You little –“

Gary grabbed Little Cato, heavily ruffling his blue fur at the top of the head while grumbling under his nose.

Little Cato started laughing loudly, moving his hands up and trying to swat the attacking ones away, but failing miserably due to the tremors which ran through his chest.

The hands that rested on the head, moved to the armpits and stomach, tickling every space possible and making Little Cato almost shout in short spasm of laughter. His eyes were closed tight shut. His small body wiggled left and right, trying to get away from the attacking palms, but being quite unable to.

“Stop, stop I yield, I yield!”

Gary’s attack stopped, halted in a moment and then he moved away.

“I hope that taught you something.”

Little Cato was already opening his mouth to disagree with that statement, but Gary simply lifted his hands and it shut the small boy up for good.

Or at least for another few minutes.

Avocato wasn’t really the biggest fan of romantic dramas either. Or romantic comedies. Or romantic thrillers. Or romantic anything.

Mostly because whenever he watched one, it gave him ideas, possibilities that couldn’t be fulfilled, soft moments that he wished he had and could live through. It made him miss all those simple things he yearned and wanted and hoped could happen – but knew they never would.

(How Gary didn’t catch him glancing almost every minute at him was a mystery.)

Gary seemed enamored by the movie, so Avocato said nothing and simply watched it.

After some time Avocato sensed a stable weight being put on his shoulder and glanced down to see his son lulled to sleep.

Little Cato had his mouth open a little, with a bit of drool rolling down his cheek. His chest was moving steadily, raising up and falling down – oh, so precious movements – with one ear flicking from time to time.

Avocato smiled fondly and leaned to brush the saliva away, scratching the cheek in the process.

“Did he doze off?” Gary whispered to him, moving to grab a remote control and stop the movie.

“Yeah, he did.” Avocato nodded.

“Ah, the movie had to really bore him then.”

And yet he stayed.

Avocato moved his palm through the tuff of hair at the top and when his son didn’t wake up, he moved to gently scoop him up, letting the legs hang limply in the air.

Little Cato did little to no movement, letting his head loll to the side and rest on Avocato’s shoulder.

“I’m going to take him to his room.”

“Okie dokie.” Gary said, twirling the remote control in his hand. “Are you planning on… coming back?”

Avocato’s heart skipped a beat as he stared at Gary’s pleading eyes.

In the darkness of the main room they looked like two moons, reflecting the light of the nearest star. There were swirls, galaxies of emotions moving through them and Avocato wasn’t sure he could name all of the feelings. He had a vague sensation of knowing some of them, but it could be wishful thinking.

So in the end he opted for a selfish answer.

“Yeah, I’ll be back baby.”

Gary nodded at that, smiling to him like the sun.

Avocato carried Little Cato back to his room, laid him down on the bed and then covered thickly with a quilt. He patted the head and kissed the nose, whispering a sweet good night into the ear.

Little Cato snuggled further into his bed, throwing the quilt almost over his head, making Avocato smile under his nose.

(He would blame Gary for that later on, but he also moved to Fox, laying below Little Cato, and brushed his forehead softly, wishing a good night sleep too.)

His steps back echoed loudly in the silent ship drifting through the space. One, two three, four and so on and so more. The sounds and vibrations were accompanied by his heavily drumming heart. It was an otherworldly cacophony inside his veins, inside his body. It was a weird feeling. They had spent time together a lot of times, losing sleep while playing games, steering ship, repairing stuff or simply while talking or sometimes not even doing that.

But now, weirdly, he couldn’t calm down. It seemed that there was a fire beneath the fur, a sudden tornado and storm, rattling his nerves, making him twitch with anticipation.

(Anticipation for what? He wasn’t sure. It wasn’t for anything specific, it was just there, moving through his veins like black matter.)

Gary sat in the same position Avocato had left him, looking through the tablet which was laying on his lap.

“Oh, you’re already back.” Gary said, glancing up at him as Avocato flopped down.

“Should I have taken longer?” Avocato asked, raising his eyebrow.

“No, no, no of course not. Pfff what are you even thinking?” Gary quickly clarified, not clarifying anything at all. But that was a part of him.

(A part Avocato clearly adored.)

Gary grabbed the remote, almost dropping it in the process, and then moved it closer to his chest.

“Should I?”

“Go on. It’s a stupid movie, but I’m kinda curious how it’ll end.”

Gary nodded, beaming to him and clicking a button.

It was kinda true. But to be fair Avocato wasn’t sure whether he wanted to see the end because of the plot or because of Gary. Maybe he wanted to see the end to be able to sneak a peek of how Gary would behave while seeing it.

Even though he had said he had already seen it at least seven times.

Observing Gary while he watched a movie was always an intriguing experience. One Avocato clearly loved. He adored looking at the small changes on the face, sudden gasps, bewildered whispers, mouth spread in a wide grin after a joke or eyes filled with tears during a heartbreaking moment. It was a never-ending compilations of movements and emotions, cinematic show filled with vivid animations.

Avocato observed, cataloguing every emotion passing through the façade, wondering for how much longer he would be able to look at them like that, freely, alive.

Then there was a change, a sudden sparkle of life, a supernova coming, spreading the heat, a small open movement of the mouth, wide eyes, sparkling and needing, gravitated or pulled towards the screen. There was curiosity, clear, astonishing, childish even, bright, so radiant curiosity that it almost hurt to look at.

Avocato glanced at the screen to check what got Gary so interested.

Oh, the pair was dancing, looking at each other with adoration. The music swam slowly around their bodies, hugging them delicately and whispering into the ears, making them smile.

It looked awfully cheesy. But well cheesy was what Gary adored.

Avocato glanced at the pair, moving their hips gently, looking like the whole world didn’t matter, and he felt this sudden need. This sudden urge and longing, yearning so deep and heavy that it almost crushed his lungs. The echo of a heartbeat moved through his chest as a sudden stutter appeared in his brain.

Avocato stood up and reached his hand toward Gary.

“What… are you doing, my dear friend?”

He felt the heat rise to his cheeks, but he pushed all thoughts aside and simply answered:

“Are you going to let my hand hang in the air till the song ends?”

Gary opened his mouth, glanced at the screen, back at Avocato, one more time at the screen and then it seemed that what Avocato had been implying finally was interpreted by his brain.

He grabbed Avocato’s hand and let the Ventrexian haul him up.

They almost bumped into each other, due to the stress running through his limbs, but somehow he managed not to rip Gary’s hand off. Then for a moment they stood in front of each other, staring and not really being sure what to do.

Avocato hadn’t planned so far.

He just had wanted that, so he had done the first thing that had popped into his mind.

But at this point the song would be over soon, so they had to act.

Avocato quickly checked the position the people on the screen were in and tried to imitate it in the real life. He rested his one hand on Gary’s hip, holding the other at their shoulders’ level.

Gary quickly caught on, moving his prosthetic to rest it on Avocato’s shoulder, letting the coldness seep in through the material of his shirt.

Another short glance to check what other things they were doing. Swaying their hips while making small steps. This was easy. He could do that.

They tried recreating what the people on the screen were doing, moving, stepping around while stealing glance after glance at them. And it was of course a recipe for disaster. Gary managed to stomp on his foot twice and Avocato almost made them stumble into a table, but in the end managed to save the day by only hitting his knee on it not so softly.

Gary laughed at that.

“We’re pretty bad at it.”

“Yeah, quite terrible even.”

Avocato glanced at the screen and then huffed.

“You know what, let’s just ignore what they are doing.”

“Right after you, big cat.”

With that in mind the whole process was definitely easier. From time to time Avocato had to glance down to check whether he would step on Gary’s foot or not, but other than that it was okay.

It felt actually really nice. Being able to dance slowly through the main room, moving and swaying their bodies to the delicate beat which thrummed in the air around them. Being able to feel the presence and the warmness seeping into his body. Being able to sense the heat of a burning star in his hands. Being able to admire the sight of the galaxies swirling in these eyes. Being able to enjoy the gravitation pulling him in.

It was a moment filled with warmness and peace. A serenity that moved through the atmosphere, precipitating in form of sweet happiness on their eyelashes.

Gary looked up at him, smiling softly.

And too soon the song ended and they were left standing in the middle of the main room, looking at each other.

They stood there for an eternity and for a second more, until Gary opened his mouth:

“Would it be incredibly stupid of me to rewind the movie so we could do it one more time?”

Maybe for some people it would be stupid. Maybe they would argue that the magic of the moment would be long gone, that it would flee away, sailing away on the imaginary ship to the other worlds.

But Avocato didn’t want the moment to end. His heart beat so loud, so hazy, so strongly in his chest that he couldn’t, didn’t want to let it go yet.

“No, it would be just the right amount of stupid.” His mouth managed to say.

Gary grinned and with one hand blindly searched for the remote control. In the end he managed to go back in the movie to the beginning of the dance.

So they repeated it.

They swayed and danced and floated and it all was too beautiful to be really true. But it was. Avocato could feel his every nerve touching Gary’s body, he could sense every smell that was getting into his nose, he could see the blond curls standing in weird directions on top of Gary’s head.

It was too much and not enough, both in the same time.

Near the end, Gary delicately rested his head on Avocato’s chest.

He said nothing about it, only let their bodies sway together more.

In the end, they replayed the song three more times.

***

Avocato thought of himself as a man of logic. Every movement was pre-calculated inside his head. Every possibility thought through at least two times. Every situation laid out in his mind as a plan. He clearly thought then did things later.

Other way he wouldn’t be able to live for so long.

But there were and had been a few exceptions. With Little Cato he was never sure how he would act. There had been several times when he had burst into a shouting match with his son due to the sudden fear ripping his chest apart, especially back when he had still worked for Lord Commander. However there had been other times when he had been doing things without thinking, like hugging and kissing the top of the head and staying beside the bed till the late hours just to admire the soft rises and falls of the chest.

Little Cato made him act irrational. So did Gary. But due to totally different reasons.

Gary made him do things without consulting them with his head. His heart simply would take the lead, marching forward on its mission. He would say and do things which were normally unnatural to him. He didn’t regret them, but it would be nice to have some kind of warning before he felt that his heart and mind could combust due to a close proximity or something similar.

It was an amazing, soaring sensation and yet similar to falling down into the epicenter of a black hole.

“Oh my gosh, what do we do, what do we do?”

“Calm down, Gary.”

“I’m calm!”

He definitely didn’t look calm and Avocato wasn’t planning on trusting him anytime soon.

Gary paced around the small room, grabbing his hair and almost pulling them out, with the heavy droplets of sweat rolling down his face. His cheeks were flushed with stress and the overwhelming nervousness.

Avocato would laugh, if it didn’t make Gary so furious. And he knew it did, because he had tried before.

“Yeah, if pacing around you call being calm, then yeah, suit yourself.” He said, shrugging.

Gary opened his mouth, closed it, opened and then furrowed his eyebrows.

“Okay, maybe, just maybe, I’m not ca–“

“You definitely can be a little bit quieter.” Little Cato whined, glancing at them from behind the cloth that had been put on his eyes.

It was like a switch being flipped. Gary immediately jumped to the bed, kneeled down and brushed his hand across the blue patch of fur on the top, now glued to the ears and forehead.

“Sorry, Spidercat, my fault. How are you hanging little buddy?”

The small Ventrexian moaned as he turned on the bed, looking at the human with red eyes and runny nose which he brushed with the end of the quilt after he had sneezed.

Avocato quickly moved to grab a tissue which he then moved towards their son’s nose.

Little Cato took the offered gift and blew his nose loudly.

Gary smiled at that, scratching the boy behind the ear.

“I’ve been better.” Little Cato finally said, making a ball from the tissue and throwing it in the direction of the trash bin, but failing quite a bit.

(Avocato can pick it up later.)

“Can I get you anything? Water? Blanket? Ice cream?”

“We have ice creams on the ship?”

“Not really, but I’m sure I can think of something.” Gary admitted.

Little Cato laughed, but it made his entire body shudder terribly with the coughs rattling the bones and chest, making the poor boy sit up to fill his lungs with sweet, delicious air.

Gary frantically moved his hands around, in the end resting them on the kid’s back and massaging it slowly to help with the shudders running through the body.

“Thanks, dad.” Little Cat wheezed at the end, flopping back down on the bed. “I think I have everything.”

“But if you need more you can always tell me.”

“I know.”

“Just a word. Nothing more. And I’ll get it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So don’t strain yourself and just rest and let me take care of anything you may–“

“Dad, I’m really okay.” Little Cato whined, rolling a little on the bed, so he could face Gary who was kneeling in front of the bed. “Don‘t worry.”

“I can’t help, but worry!” He yelped.

Avocato smiled and put his hand on Gary’s shoulder.

“Gary, it’s okay. It is just a common Ventrexian cold. Little Cato will be fine in no time.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, dad.”

Avocato could see that Gary wanted to fight him on that, but zipped his lips and patted their son’s cheek softly. He smiled tiredly under his nose, grabbed the bucket filled with, well, with vomit and took the cloth that had been resting on Little Cato’s eyes.

“I’m going to wash it and bring you a new one.”

“Thanks.” Little Cato tiredly mumbled.

Avocato exited his room, sighing softly in the corridor, inhaling the empty of any smell air around him. It was a little bit stuffy in the room, with the terrible smells and scents mixing together. He definitely didn’t mind that, but now that he was outside he really noticed how foul odor was actually floating in his room.

As promised he went to the bathroom, washed the bucket, soaked the cloth in the cold water and then walked back.

The lights in his room were as dimmed as he had left them, but he could see the lump kneeling in front of the bed, caressing softly the cheek.

Little Cato was breathing, kinda heavily, but steadily and calmly. It seemed like during those short few minutes he had been taken away from the world of awake and into the sweet dream-filled land.

It was good, sleep was the perfect remedy for someone who was sick.

Avocato put the bucket down nearby the bed, delicately as not to wake up their son and then moved to place the cloth on Little Cato’s eyes and forehead.

The boy moved a little, but other than murmuring a few words under his breath he didn’t do much.

Gary was kneeling in front of the bed, resting his head in the small basket made of his arms. It was tilted a little bit, so he could observe the hesitant, but steady rises and falls of the boy’s chest.

Avocato glanced down.

“Are you planning on staying here for the whole night?” He asked.

“I was.” Gary answered, voice muffled by the material of his shirt. “But if you’re kicking me out I can totally –“

“No, no, no, I’m not kicking you out.” Avocato quickly clarified, gathering the last remaining tissues from the floor and throwing them into the trash bin. “I just thought you would feel more comfortable on the bed?”

“But Little Cato is on the bed.”

“He is.”

“And you were planning to sleep next to him.”

“That is correct.”

“On the same bed.”

“I’m inviting you for a sleepover and you’re refusing? Are you the real Gary?”

Gary quickly moved away from the bed, waving his hands in front of him.

“No, no, no, I’m definitely not saying ‘no’. It’s totally a ‘yes’. Yeah, like super cool and all that.” He whisper shouted. “It’s just –“

Avocato leaned and grabbed Little Cato’s blouse that had welcomed the ground after he had started feeling too hot.

“Just?”

“Isn’t this bed a little bit too small for three people?”

Avocato glanced at the bed. It wasn’t the biggest one, it definitely could fit two people more or less comfortably. Three could be troublesome, but then Little Cato wasn’t that big and Gary was incredibly flexible.

Or maybe that wasn’t that. Maybe Gary was simply searching for excuses. Reasons that could be used to escape the situation. Tiny mistakes and errors that he could exploit. That could be it.

(Avocato hated how that thought made his heart drop. How it made his breath still and crash down.)

“Gary…” He started, trying to find something to hold onto and failing. “If you don’t want to stay–“

“No, I want to stay.” Gary quickly said, raising up to his feet and almost falling down when his legs got mingled beneath him.

“Then stay.”

“But are you like super okay with that? Because if not I can totally sleep on the ground or you know, grab a blanket, make a fort, lit some scented candles –“

Okay, what the heck was he babbling about? It seemed like the words simply poured from his mouth, mixing, forming something new, something intangible.

But Avocato had to put a stop to it. Somehow.

“Gary, if I wasn’t okay with this, I wouldn’t ask, okay?” He said, pushing words aside to add his own, a little bit tired, voice.

Apparently he had had to say something good, because it immediately shut Gary up. And that was an incredible feat.

Avocato wasn’t sure what Gary saw in him, but it had to be something, because he quickly looked away and mumbled a simple:

“Okay.”

Avocato nodded and then glanced at the bed where Little Cato was sleeping, letting out a few pained snores from time to time. His fur was glued to the skin beneath and it seemed tangled at some parts, forming swirls of galaxies. There was a hue to his cheeks, too deep to be called healthy, which moved as a groan left the chapped lips.

“You want a spot near the wall or near the edge?” Avocato asked, like it was the most normal question that could be asked.

“Near the wall, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, okay.”

Avocato tried to sound confident. But to be honest he was a mess inside. The cables were sparkling and crackling inside his veins. His brain was a mushy mixture, a reaction filled with the steam and heat and vapor so dense that he couldn’t exactly see the reasons and consequences of his actions.

At first he had proposed the idea because he had known that no matter what Gary would insist on staying by Little Cato’s side and he hadn’t wanted his best-friend to lay on the ground. But only now, the after-effects were reaching his brain and heart.

Had he seriously asked Gary to sleep with him? In the same bed!? What was wrong with him? His poor heart couldn’t take it. It didn’t have any additional armor around to protect itself from the harm and cardiac arrest.

But he couldn’t back down.

(Not that he really wanted to. Or wanted Gary to sleep on the ground.)

So bracing himself, Avocato simply said.

“Get yourself comfortable, I’ll get us some blankets.”

And with that he went out to go to the storage room. He didn’t even look back, just darted through the door, letting it close behind him.

The cold air around the ship once again calmed his racing heart and buzzing cheeks.

Nevertheless he didn’t want to be out for too long, in fear that something could happen to his son. He trusted Gary, of course, but he wanted to be near when Little Cato needed him. So the trip to the storage room and back took only around five minutes, maybe even less.

He stepped into his room and immediately glanced at his son.

Gary actually had climbed onto the bed and had pushed himself between the wall and Little Cato, who had moved to the biggest source of heat currently occupying the space. He was staring lovingly at the small boy, petting the cheeks with the back of his hand.

Avocato exhaled slowly and then moved closer to the bed.

“Here, for you.” He said and then passed one scratchy blanket.

Gary raised his head at him and leaned forward to take the gift.

“Thanks.”

Avocato nodded.

He didn’t really need to change his clothes as he was already wearing casual ones. Plus they were dirty with Little Cato’s sweat, snot and, well, other substances – gladly, not so smelly. It would be counterproductive to change clothes, when the state of them would be soon the same.

So that left only laying down.

The hardest part.

But he could do it.

Avocato slowly sat down on the slice of bed that was secured for him, nearby the edge, straightened the blanket, then laid down and at the end threw the material across his body.

Like a robot.

Okay, okay, he got it. He was just laying with the person he really, really liked in the same bed, with their son between them. There was nothing weird about it, totally not. It was normal. Maybe not fully, but still kinda normal in Gary’s world.

Avocato could live through it. He had lived through worse things under Lord Commander’s rule. He could do it.

He turned on the bed, so he was facing Little Cato and Gary.

Little Cato was currently turned towards Gary, curling under the quilt and shivering like a leaf on the wind.

Gary was patting their son’s cheek softly, but when Avocato moved, he raised his head up a bit, so he was able to look at him.

Avocato felt like his breath was punched out of his chest.

“So… we probably should try to fall asleep.” Gary murmured, barely raising his voice to be audible.

“That would be the best choice here.” Avocato nodded.

“Great! Let’s just do that. Together. But separately. Sleep.” Gary continued, nodding alongside. “Perfect. Sleeping right now. Going to do that.”

Avocato huffed at that, but he did close his eyes, hoping for the sleep to take his hand and guide him away.

He was incredibly tired. Today had drafted the energy from his body, leaving only a few drops at the bottom. A barely visible spectrum of strength inside his mind. He felt empty, like a shell, a conjuration of something that should resemble a body.

(Little Cato being sick did worry him. He knew it wasn’t a terrible illness, quite common one, but still he couldn’t help but worry.)

He tried to fall asleep, as he was incredibly, astonishingly tired. But no matter how hard he tried, how much he calmed his breath and emptied his mind, he couldn’t do it.

Seconds moved, minutes ticked, forming an hour in the end. Still with no sleep.

It seemed like one of those nights.

Avocato laid some more on the bed, listening to the uneven breaths of Little Cato, the small coughs and sniffs escaping his mouth and nose, the rustles of the blanket or quilt whenever someone changed position and the delicate murmurs of the machinery around them.

Until he turned on the bed and opened his eyes.

Little Cato had turned so he was facing Avocato now, still curled into a ball.

Gary was laying with his head resting on one hand. The second one was settled on Little Cato’s arm.

It all seemed so peaceful, like there were no worries in the world. Like there were only them, drifting through the cosmos, dancing across the string of the universe, playing cards with the fate and winning, in the end pulling the coins towards themselves.

(But for how long could they keep winning? They were running out of luck, precious luck that gave them life. Avocato knew that sooner or later it all would end. He knew that at some point he would lose this small slice of time filled with serenity, calmness and pure happiness. He knew that it all was a matter of time, but he hoped that he could hold onto it for just a little bit longer.)

Avocato corrected his position, resting his head on his arm, mimicking Gary’s position a bit.

And then Gary opened his eyes.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked, whispering the words.

Avocato shrugged, feeling his heart suddenly hammering inside his chest.

“Something like that.” He murmured.

“Me neither.”

“Clearly.”

Gary frowned at that a little, but the look quickly smoothened, probably due to the exhaustion dancing and skidding in his eyes.

A funny thing, both of them were incredibly drained, but couldn’t fall asleep.

Avocato did feel bad about snapping like that, but before he could focus his mind on opening his mouth to say something, apologize, the human beat him to it.

“His fever stabilized.” Gary whispered, moving his hand across the forehead of their son.

“That is a good thing.” Avocato mumbled, copying Gary and resting his paw on the forehead.

The skin was quite hot, but still less so than two hours ago. The medicine had to be working.

“Yeah.” Gary grabbed the quilt and moved it to cover Little Cato’s trembling shoulders. “I hope he will feel better in the morning.”

“It’s not his first Kylmäkissa flu. Definitely also not the last.”

It was in the end a quite common illness among Ventrexians and Tryvuulians – so Fox had to stay away from Little Cato for the time being.

“Still…” Gary started, then moved his head, laying it flatter on his hand and resting the other one on their son’s arm once again. “It has to suck.”

“It does.” Avocato admitted. “I’m sure you humans also have colds. Or something similar.”

Gary hummed, nibbling on his bottom lip while closing the eyes for a moment.

“Yeah, we do. And it’s always a pain in the ass.” Gary sighed. “But it’s the first time I’m taking care of someone sick.”

The concept was a tad weird at the beginning, but the longer Avocato really thought about it, the more he could actually understand it.

“I never tended to anyone before Little Cato either.” Avocato said, blinking a few times when a wave of tiredness hit his eyelids. “I didn’t have a real family before him to be honest.”

Gary tilted his head a bit, looking at him.

“Really?”

He nodded.

It was weird, opening up to someone. He rarely did it. Or like he couldn’t remember the last time he had done that. He knew he had done that at some point of his life – probably while being drunk – but now every memory about such occurrence was fogged in his head.

“Yeah, I had to learn everything from the beginning. How to change diapers, how to hold him, how to put him to sleep, how to make him stop crying and also how to take care of him when he was sick.” Avocato moved his hand and slowly caressed Little Cato’s cheek, finding pleasure in the small movement of whiskers answering the touch. “Just like right now.”

Little Cato let out a soft sight and then moved further under the quilt, almost covering his face and making Avocato smile softly.

“It always has been just the two of us against the world.”

Little Cato had been the center of Avocato’s life the moment he had laid his eyes on the small baby. His very own Galactic Center. Everything he had done in his life had been for him. He had been the reason he had woken up in the morning and had gone to sleep at night.

But that had been before all of this had happened. Before his mind had expanded like a universe. Before his heart had been shattered into a million pieces and had been glued back together.

Now he had more people he cared about, who rotated on the orbits nearby the center.

(He also had Gary now, a burning star that sizzled and sparkled, warming his face and chest with one radiating smile. Smile that could tear him apart and build anew.)

Avocato glanced up, catching Gary’s gaze for a moment, before the man directed it elsewhere.

There was a hidden, saddened undertone to his eyes. A darkness that swallowed the light which tried to escape it. A vantablack covered the irises, not allowing anything to pass through.

There was a small crease on the forehead, a twitch of the mouth, sudden movement of the nose similar to a sniffle as Gary bit the bottom lip.

“That sounds nice.” He admitted in the end.

“That is nice.” Avocato agreed.

Gary curled in on himself, staring at the back of Little Cato’s head and the ears perking up to find the source of every noise on the ship.

Avocato moved his one hand, straightening it above his head first and then slowly sneaking it towards Gary’s one. The material whispered beneath his palm, creasing and wrinkling with its every movement.

There were a thousand things he wanted to say to Gary. A million things he wanted to ask about. A milliard things he wanted to do.

The feelings he had harbored had found a comfortable and cozy home inside his chest. Something that had been unbearable some time ago now was a never–ending companion on his space journey. Reassuring even.

Avocato slowly brushed his hand against Gary’s palm.

“But I think that the three of us against the world sounds even better.”

Gary snapped his head up, staring at him like Avocato hung every star on the sky just for him.

(And if he could, he totally would do that.)

There was another string of silence, a sudden heartbeat that leaped in his chest, a compassionate exhale.

Then Gary interlocked their small fingers together and let their hands rest on the pillow above Little Cato’s head.

“The three of us against the world? I like that. I would like that. It sounds absolutely fricking amazing.”

Avocato ginned tiredly under his nose.

They didn’t talk after that. Gradually both of them let their eyes slip shut, allowing the exhaustion of today to slowly lull them to sleep and take care of their minds.

Their hands stayed connected on the pillow.

Until around three am, when Gary woke up Avocato with a simple, hoarse word.

“Bucket.”

Avocato wasn’t sure what it meant after being suddenly ripped away from the dreamland. He simply added the imaginary meaning to the real one, in one swift movement reached for the said bucket and pulled it up to the bed, pushing it towards Little Cato.

Who shot up and then leaned above the quickly placed bucket, emptying the barely eaten content of his stomach into it.

Gary slowly massaged their son’s back.

Avocato kept the bucket in place, not allowing it to slip through Little Cato’s trembling palms.

When the heavy shudders stopped, the small Ventrexian lifted his hand and brushed his mouth with the back of it.

“Absolutely disgusting.” He mumbled.

“You still look better than me while being hungover.” Gary said.

Little Cato hoarsely laughed.

And maybe it had been the three of them for a very long time.

***

The terrible thing about the stability was the fact that it could disappear in a spare second, not even leaving any trace after itself.

Avocato had been a lonely man. He had preferred the solitude of being alone, than being surrounded by people, aliens, different races and other humanoid or not things. He had preferred the empty nights, than the ones replete with bodies pressed together. He had liked the calm mornings filled with warm drinks, accompanied by nothingness – more than someone taking the empty spaces.

Like with all things in his life, Little Cato had changed that.

He was his son, his friend, his precious boy. It had been the two of them during breakfasts, during days, during dinners and during night-times. For some time Avocato had felt that it had been enough for him to be happy.

And he was still happy. Gosh, how delighted and ecstatic he was to be able to still be with his son.

Their family of two wasn’t missing anything. And yet Avocato felt like he wanted to add another member to it

Avocato wanted Gary to be here through good and bad, through the storm and calm sea, through Little Cato starting a rebellious stage of teenage years and through him turning into an adult.

Avocato wanted him by his side till the end of the world.

No matter when it would happen.

But in the end he was a coward. Somewhere deep inside he hoped he had more time, he had more days, more weeks, more months to tidy up the mess in his head, to find the courage to let the words out. He had lived in a comfortable life between worlds, not exactly moving in one or other direction. He had been afraid that if he had moved forward, he would break something fragile that had grown between them and he couldn’t imagine himself ever stepping back. So he had stayed where he had been, gripping tightly to the in-between which had harbored his heart.

He had thought he could live there for long enough time to be able to show without words what he was feeling.

Only he hadn’t noticed the crack on the hourglass, making the sand slip away way quicker than intended. And before he could even say a short word, the container was almost empty, letting the last few particles slowly drip down.

“You are not going!”

“Little Cato listen–“

“No, I won’t listen! You are not going there! This is like super obvious trap! They are going to kill you!”

“Well if I don’t go, they will kill all of us and I don’t want that to happen! I have to save you all and Mooncake!”

“Gary, calm down.” Quinn quietly said, putting her hand on Gary’s shoulder.

It seemed like he wanted to say something more, but shut his mouth and looked down at the ground.

There was silence between all of them. Heavy silence that precipitated in the form of invisible dust on their shoulders and weighed them down. Hollow silence that crushed the lungs. Cold silence that gripped the throats and squeezed, preventing from taking a breath.

How it all had gone so wrong so quickly?

“I’m sure there is a way out of this.” Fox hesitantly said, fiddling with his fingers and looking at everyone.

“Both our engines are dead. The turrets are out of ammo. The energy is at seven percent and the oxygen filters are disrupted.” There was a clear hesitation, before AVA continued. “I don’t think… we can escape this one.”

Everyone knew their luck had to run out at some point. They couldn’t escape forever. But somehow, deep inside, each and every one had hoped that they could pull it off one last time, that they could still outrun the chasing hands.

That didn’t happen.

They stood nearby the edge, feeling the heels of their shoes slipping down into the abyss that just waited to consume them all.

The silence spread further around like a disease, burning the skin and taking away breaths. It cradled them in its arms, caressing the hairs and petting the cheeks, keeping safe and yet as prisoners, locking them away.

Avocato tightened his fists, feeling his heart falling apart.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not like this. Never like this.

“There is only one way out of it.” Gary continued, but quieter, looking at everyone. “I’m going there. Alone. And you keep your butts here. Safe. On the ship.”

“And what? Are we supposed to watch you die too? Bring popcorn? Take bets which limb will be ripped off first?”

Gary flinched, biting hard the inside of his cheek.

“Little Cato, stop.” Nightfall whispered, raising her eyes at him. “We know your point of view.”

“My point of view? Are you all seriously siding with Gary right now?”

“No, we’re not.” Quinn bit back, gripping her own shoulders in a cold embrace. “But shouting doesn’t help anyone.”

It was true.

Everyone was agitated, angry, tired and above all scared.

Little Cato shut his mouth and glared at the woman, tightening the fists hanging near his sides.

They had been at this since the battle – which had lasted several hours – had ended. The lost battle. The devastating battle. The fight during which with every passing moment their hopes had been crushed, destroyed and disintegrated.

Invictus and Lord Commander had caught up with them. They had taken Mooncake. And now they were surrounded by the enemy with their own dying ship being their tomb. There was no running away, there were no escape routes that could save them all.

Lord Commander and Invictus had given them two options – either they all were going to die or Gary could give himself up and the rest of the crew would be spared.

Both options sounded terrible. Horrifying.

It had been easy to guess which way Gary had picked, not even paying any mind to the other option. It had been almost natural for them to disagree with it. And the fight and war had been storming around since then.

Nightfall sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. There were dark shadows, spirals of dust, around her eyes.

“It’s getting us nowhere. Not even one of us is thinking straight.”

It wasn’t really late, but at this point they were up for more than thirty six hours and neither of them could think clearly.

“So what do you propose?” Ash quietly asked, brushing her now dirty fringe away, letting her trembling fingers rest on the forehead.

“Sleep first and then let’s all of us think it through tomorrow. We have till midnight to decide. So let’s meet again in eight hours.”

Avocato nodded at Nightfall, showing that he agreed with her plan.

“Sounds reasonable enough.” Quinn added.

“Same here.” Ash said, dropping her hand

“I’m okay with it.” Fox mumbled.

“I also think this is a good idea.” Hue robotically said.

Nightfall turned to Little Cato who still angrily looked at the ground.

“Little Cato?”

The Ventrexian tightened his fists, letting the hair on his back stand up for a moment, bristling them, before finally letting go of the stress.

“Fine.” He snarled.

The woman turned her head to Gary who still didn’t speak. Similar to his son he was staring at the ground with lips pinched in a thigh line. But there was something in his eyes, some hidden depth, galaxies swirling, turning and circling, an ocean moving with a storm, sputtering white foam everywhere.

“Gary?” Nightfall started. “Do you agree with the plan?”

Gary didn’t answer.

Everyone turned their eyes to him.

“Gary?” Nightfall furrowed her eyebrows.

A beat of silence echoed, shimmered and sizzled in the charged atmosphere around them, making the hairs on the arms stand up, taking breaths away and gripping the throats in a delicate, yet firm grip. A touch that was there, threating, but not doing anything just yet.

“Okay.” Gary said and then stepped back.

Everyone exhaled, dropping their shoulders.

“So we’re set.” Nightfall straightened her back. “I advise you all to get some sleep. We’ll deal with it all later on.”

And that was the cue. Everyone slowly shuffled away from the destroyed main room, dragging their feet on the dusty ground, covered by the faint, barely shining lights above their heads. They held tightly onto consciousness for just a few more minutes, before their heads would land on the pillows, allowing their red eyes to rest for several restless hours.

Avocato hugged Little Cato, kissed his matted hair at the top and sent him to his bed.

The small boy obediently stepped into his room, letting the door close after him while glancing back at Avocato.

That went better than expected to be honest.

He wondered for how long it would stay that way.

Avocato was exhausted. He felt it in every atom and particle of his body, a heavy weight that pushed him down, more and more, making it harder to put one foot in front of the other. The tiredness clung to his bones, wrapped his muscles and seized him up, dragging towards the bottom of the black hole.

But he couldn’t rest.

Not yet.

He knew something was coming. It was tiptoeing forward, sneaking behind the corners, crawling in the vents, waiting for him to turn his back, so it could simply get past him.

But Avocato knew he had to wait for it, had to hide and wait for the moment of its mistake. He had known it the moment the words had left the mouth, he had known it the second he had heard the demands, he simply had known it since the very beginning.

(It had shattered his heart and had stolen his breath, sending the corpse into the space.)

He had to wait.

So he did.

Avocato spent the time in the hangar, staring at the space spreading in front of them, staring at the enemy ships that threatened their lives with weapons ready to attack, at the bits and pieces of their ship floating around, reminding him of the moving time, of the air slowly, but surely escaping the metal protection around their bodies.

Life was a fragile thing. He knew that. He accepted that. It was a knowledge he had forged in his mind.

And yet, whenever he was meet face to face with it, it surprised him nevertheless.

(But before he always had felt that there had been a spark of hope of escaping the situation. But not right now. Right now there was a hollow void inside his heart, inside his chest. Somehow he knew they were on the verge, hanging above the darkness trying to consume them all, being pushed forward on the plank of their ship, with the guns pointed at their backs.)

Avocato waited, counting the time in his heartbeats.

Then there was a shuffle, a small movement in the space-time continuum, a shift of an invisible silhouette.

Or at least a silhouette which tried to be invisible.

But Avocato was prepared for it. Yet he let the invisible invader believe it for a few more minutes, opting for staring at the shadow creeping along the walls, glancing warily around, checking if anyone beside their lost soul was around.

Avocato waited and observed, letting the shadow feel safe. And only then he pounced.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Gary shrieked and jumped in the air.

“Avocato, man, what the hell? You scared me!”

He raised his eyebrow, slowly stepping out of the shadows which concealed his entire posture.

“Not my fault that you were loud like a Loxodon.”

“Uhh like what?”

“Very loud.”

“Ah I strongly disagree, my dear friend.” Gary puffed out his chest. “I’m quite certain I was super amazingly sneaky and quiet. Like a ninja! It’s not my fault you Ventrexians have some crazily sensitive hearing.”

It was the truth, but Avocato wasn’t going to yield.

“I’m exhausted, sleep deprived and I was hit in the head twice. And I still heard you.” Avocato said, crossing his arms. He cocked his eyebrow, feeling that he was winning the fight when Gary’s eyes started to jump all over the place. “So no, you were not sneaky.”

“There goes my plan of being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ long lost brother.”

What the heck? Avocato’s brain couldn’t deal with it right now. He was too tired to be dealing with it all. He just wanted for it all to pause, to halt, to stop spinning, circling and moving.

But he knew it wasn’t possible.

“So if finding me sneaking very sneakily around was your only goal, then please pardon me my friend and allow me to resume my merry trip.” And here Gary turned on his heel, planning on going further into the hangar, right towards the only available ship which could still fly. A one-person ship.

“To where?” Avocato asked, stepping after him.

“To visit my dear old friend. Yeah, you know we didn’t see each other in forever. We have so much stuff to catch up on. Stories to tell. Jokes to laugh about.”

Avocato hummed.

“An old friend.”

“Uh totally. A good friend. You know all this fighting got me missing them, so you know, I thought I would pop in for a moment, right now, when everyone was sleeping, not counting you. ‘Cause you know we have a lot to talk about and you know –“

“I know you’re going to Invictus and Lord Commander.”

Gary stopped in the middle of the hangar, but didn’t turn around to face Avocato.

There was a brief, dense silence that moved around and between them, pinching the muscles and breaking the bones.

Avocato could see Gary stiffening. It was a sudden spasm that contracted all body parts, locking them in place for a short moment. Almost like he was getting prepared for an attack, an ambush, a strike.

Avocato wasn’t going to attack.

“You won’t stop me.” Gary finally whispered, raising his shoulders. “I have to do it.”

Avocato knew it would happen. He knew Gary would do that. He had known it the moment they had been given their instructions. Every part, every compound, every atom in his body had been conscious of the possibility.

He also had known what he would do from the very beginning too. And it had broken his heart.

“I know.” Avocato said and he felt like he was crumbling, disappearing, disintegrating right here, right now. “I’m not stopping you.”

Gary swiftly turned on his heel and stared at him with wide, terribly scared eyes.

“You can’t go with me either.” He said, breathed out, croaked it even like there wasn’t enough oxygen around.

And maybe there wasn’t. The tanks and filters were broken, disturbed, leaking the precious atoms.

Avocato was collapsing like a star, he was decaying like a tree, he was deteriorating like a machine. He was living and breathing, but it felt like there was a hole in his body, an empty space from which his life was escaping.

Avocato slowly shook his head.

“I’m not going with you.”

What a terrible thing to say. But a thing he had to say.

He was slowly turning into a shooting star, right now, right here. Right in front of Gary.

The man stared at him with beautiful orbs, which were twitching, shivering and trembling in fear, fear so deep and genuine that it hurt Avocato almost physically to see them.

But he couldn’t go and he had to let Gary go. Even when it pained and destroyed him inside. He had to let Gary do it, if they wanted to have any chances.

(They had to keep Little Cato and the rest of the younger part of the crew safe at any cost. Something they both had agreed on with no words spoken between them.)

“Okay.” Gary said, then turned on his heel and stomped forward.

Avocato followed.

Their steps echoed in the empty, hollow hangar, jumping off the walls, leaping, running after each other, playing a game of tag.

Gary was walking and even though he wasn’t getting farther away from Avocato, the Ventrexian felt like he already had lost him. Maybe he had lost him the moment he had heard those words, when his heart had said a simple ‘oh’. Maybe he had lost him the moment he had heard the footsteps, even when some part of him had hoped it would not happen. Maybe he had lost him long time ago, even without having Gary there in the first place.

Maybe in the end Avocato was never supposed to actually have him.

Avocato felt like he was disintegrating, like someone was picking particle after particle from his real body and letting them float in the space, leaving only an empty shell behind, something that once upon a time resembled a living being.

Gary slowly approached the only available ship and looked up at it.

Now when Avocato could take a closer and longer look, he noticed that Gary didn’t take anything with him. It was just him, his usual clothes and the never-ending goodness that was masked under layer and layer of crystallized comedy. It was just him, his trembling hands and mind that was probably a tangled mess.

Avocato stopped next to Gary and stared at the ship. At the dusty metal plates. At the rusty bolts. At the crooked bow. At the wheels touching the ground, but seeming almost permanently glued to it.

It was a good ship.

“Avocato I…” Gary suddenly started, but closed his mouth when Avocato turned his head.

His eyes were directed forward, but it didn’t seem like they saw anything there, anything in front of them.

Avocato wasn’t sure any words could describe this moment. Because how could any words even show the pure, terrifying sadness that seeped from the minds and hearts, crushed the lungs and stole the breaths away?

What kinds of words could be used when one person was on the verge of taking the step into the other world, crossing the line of the living beings? There was no place for hope. Everything was filled to the brim with the dark fear that consumed every particle.

Avocato didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if anything could be said right now.

“I’m… I’m really glad I… met you.” Gary finished, inhaling deeply at the end, letting his chest expand, only for it to collapse a second later.

It seemed like a simple message.

But Avocato was afraid that it held more than simple words. That there were galaxies, other worlds hiding inside, memories intertwined together, forming threads that could make a whole universe or be thrown on a tired body to warm it during a terrifying and dark night.

Avocato wasn’t ready to let go. He wasn’t ready to let the precious life slip past his fingers, watch the guillotine falling down, ready to snap the neck and tear a soul away.

“You know usually when someone says such things, the other person says something in return and you know, doesn’t let the other one hanging. I mean if you don’t want to say anything that is totally fine–”

“Gary.” Avocato whispered and somehow this one word could break the curse.

Gary still didn’t look at him, but swallowed hard.

Avocato wanted to say something, anything that would lift the spirits in this terrible situation, but he found out that he couldn’t find the perfect words. No, he couldn’t find any words in his mind, in his chest, in his heart that could be said out loud. Or maybe that was wrong too.

There were too many things which needed to be said and so little time, too many possibilities of outcomes, each and every one worse than the previous one.

Avocato slowly reached his hand, letting it float in the air for a moment, hesitant and unsure of the fate and future in front of it, before it grabbed Gary’s palm, gripping it softly.

Gary twitched, but other than that didn’t look back at him.

“Hang on tight, we will come for you and Mooncake.”

It was probably one of the worst things Avocato could say, but the words had left his lips before his mind could catch up with them.

They rang in the empty space between them.

It sounded like a lie. Not because of the meaning, because that was the honest, harsh and loving truth. The lie was hiding in the outcome. Outcome he was too terrified to admit was most likely to happen.

But Gary lied too as he answered:

“I know.”

In the end they were both white liars, hoping to make the other one feel better.

When the Death was staring straight at them, peeking into their eyes, raising her hands gently while getting closer and closer with every passing second, the words started to lose their meanings, leaving only empty shells after themselves.

(Something that once upon a time had been beautiful stars, but now were filled with tiny black holes.)

Gary gripped Avocato’s hand back and it seemed like too short time had passed before he stepped forward.

Avocato desperately wanted to hold onto that warmness in his palm for a little bit longer, but it took only one step for their hands to stop being connected.

Avocato’s heart squeezed, desperately beating for a release.

Gary slowly approached the ship, no bag, no backpack, and he grabbed the handle to thrown open the door. It hissed lowly, tiredly, making space to form a dark hole which only led inside into the unknown.

It seemed like a final line, a last stop, the moment of no return.

Avocato wanted the time to stop, he wanted to shout and scream, rip out the cables of the universe to let it all reset, but know he couldn’t. He could only hopelessly stare at his friend stepping into the ship that would bring him to his death.

(A price that had to be paid so the rest of them could live.)

Gary stopped, one hand on the door, one foot already in the ship.

There was a part of Avocato which hoped that the man changed his mind. That he would turn around and step back to stand right next to him, where he belonged.

(But the other part knew the truth. Knew what was the most important right now and it wasn’t Gary nor Avocato.)

“Avocato?” Gary softly whispered, voice barely audible above the hum of his heart.

“Yeah?”

“I know it will sound stupid, but this… really feels like the end.”

Avocato swallowed hard, feeling as the air escaped his lungs in quiet hisses.

“Yeah… yeah it does.”

Gary exhaled, a trembling sound left his lips as he gripped tighter the metal handle that had helped him hoist himself into the ship.

But he didn’t step inside. It seemed like he was mulling over some idea inside his head. Something was preventing him from fully going inside. Like there were tendrils, cosmic hands holding him in their wake.

He turned on his heel and looked at Avocato with some kind of resolve shimmering in his eyes. He opened his mouth, ready to say what was on his mind.

And no sound came out. Then he tried it again, still with the same result. He tightened his fists, looked down at the ground, inhaled through his nose, rose his head and opened his mouth, but also this time the only thing that left it was:

“Avocato, I…”

And no more words.

It almost seemed like he was put under a spell.

Gary tried two more times, letting his eyes jump all over the place, barely even now landing on Avocato.

He whined, frustrated with something and then closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

Avocato wasn’t sure what was happening, but he knew that there was a big internal fight, a war inside Gary’s mind and he didn’t want to interrupt to not tip the scale toward one side.

Then there was a simple whisper leaving Gary’s mouth, barely audible and probably not even supposed to be heard by Avocato:

“Okay, here comes nothing.”

Gary looked right into his eyes, stepped down and in just a few strides he was in front of Avocato.

Avocato had a brief moment of coherent thoughts which tried to make heads and tails of Gary’s behavior, before he felt a warm sensation on his lips.

And his world stilled to a halt.

Avocato could feel the heat in his chest, in his heart, in his mind, wrapping itself around him like a warm blanket made of constellations. There was a ramble and a deafening silence inside his skull, when his brain connected the impulses with the images, coming up with a quite simple deduction.

Gary kissed him.

The weight on his lips stayed for a moment, a brief tick, a short pause, a tiny bit, a slice of time snatched away from the reality. It was like a familiar breeze, like a warm light of a fire on the cheek, like a comforting taste of coffee in the morning. It was everything and nothing in the same time.

Avocato’s heart jumped high in his throat as his mind simply gave up trying to understand what was happening.

He could feel Gary on his lips, a hesitant touch, barely even there. He could smell the typical scent of the human, clouding his nose and making him lose focus. He could sense the heat of the body, being near, but not close enough to bring him pleasure.

And after a short moment, terribly too short moment, Gary moved away, letting his cheeks burn brightly in the darkness of the hangar with the eyes sparkling in shame.

“Ah uhh I mean… I know I shouldn’t do that, like it was totally uncool and like… but you know… I know… it’s just… I wanted to do it for so long… and well… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t… you can punch me if you want… but I didn’t want to die without –“

Avocato didn’t want to listen to Gary. The world swirled in his head, tumbled, rolled down the hill, disappearing in the black hole of his already messed up mind.

He wasn’t sure what was happening. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things. He wasn’t sure whether he was doing a good or a bad thing by not stopping Gary. He wasn’t sure whether he was a good person in the end. At this point he wasn’t sure about almost anything.

But in this very small moment, he was sure that it was Gary who had kissed him and this mere thought, this simple idea burst like a star inside his chest, consuming every intelligible thought that was left, letting his heart decide for his fate, allowing it to take his hand.

So he stepped forward and shut Gary up by kissing him.

The silence that appeared between them was lost in his loudly beating heart which hammered and rang and stormed inside of him, ready to fall apart.

Avocato felt like he was crumbling down as his lips touched Gary’s ones, giving it a comforting weight, stepping close enough to feel the heat, but far away enough so that the man could step away if he wanted to.

(But Avocato wanted to step forward, wanted to get even closer, sense the warmness on his own body, be able to trace it with his own fingers, map it inside his head, write it down as a sweet memory to remember.)

There was a beat, an echo, a sudden emptiness when nothing happened, when the world moved, but still stayed in one place.

And when Avocato was ready to pick up the discarded pieces of his heart, Gary tilted his head, pushed forward a little bit and moved his one hand to Avocato’s shirt, gripping it tightly, bringing him forward, closer, nearer, even closer, letting their chest touch, smash together, fit and click like they always belonged there. The other palm sneaked across his arm, resting on a shoulder to trace Milky Ways on his neck, curling around the fur desperately, needy and lovingly to this point Avocato was sure he could faint any second now.

(For someone who could conquer entire Galaxies, his legs quite quickly turned to jelly.)

Every small bit of space between them was too big for Avocato as his heart leaped happily.

Avocato pushed forward, almost smashing their mouths together, trying to feel more, get more, touch more, map the paths and trails in his head, sense the typical shivers of Gary’s mouth on his own as he moved his hands to the human’s waist and back. He held onto him tightly, feeling the fear so wildly burning in his bones that he was almost sure Gary would disappear if he let him go.

(Maybe something like this would happen. He was too afraid to check it.)

Their mouths moved, astonishingly delicately against each other, like they were afraid of what may be in front of them. Two timid space companions, astronauts floating in the wide universe.

Avocato slowly opened his mouth, only to bite down on Gary’s bottom lip, dragging it with his teeth, probably leaving two dark points where his canines should be, getting a small gasp in return and a tighter grasp on his neck.

(He probably should tone it down, but it felt like every barrier was broken and he could only count on his needs and emotions.)

Avocato could feel the purr climbing his throat, spilling out like a cosmic wave around them, reverberating in his chest, when Gary slowly pried open his lips, breathing heavily against Avocato’s mouth.

For a moment he was afraid that the man would move back, stop it there, but oh how wrong he was, because Gary gripped him tighter. He wrapped his hands around Avocato’s neck to bring their faces incredibly close, kissing like there was no tomorrow.

(There probably was no tomorrow for Gary.)

Feeling already addicted to something he still didn’t taste, Avocato tilted his head and sneaked his tongue inside, letting it slide across, feel whatever it could. He sensed the heat pooling in his stomach, fireworks going off in his mind, planets spiraling in his chest as Gary’s tongue quickly moved to brush Avocato’s one, almost like he wanted to steal something precious from him.

There were several collisions of the teeth, awkward tilts of the heads, weird movements, noses smashing together, small breaks for a gasp here and there, saliva almost dripping down near the corners of the mouths, fingers getting caught in the fabric, moans and hums.

It was clearly an inexperienced moment. But a moment filled with so much love and warmness that Avocato felt drunk with sweet adoration that he harbored for the man, the human he wanted to hold close for as long as he could, keep him safe in his arms, where there was no wrong, no fear, no danger and no pain.

Unfortunately eternity for them ended in less than a minute, when Gary suddenly moved away and hid his face in Avocato’s chest and neck, holding tightly onto him.

And in this very moment the whole world stood in front of Avocato, reminding him of all the wrong and good that he had done. Of all the bad and good that was happening around. Of the happiness and fear that consumed their hearts.

And simply as that, Avocato felt like he was pushed underwater. Like dark hands wrapped themselves around his throat and pushed and pushed, clenching harder to prevent him from taking a breath.

He wanted to flail, but the only thing he could do was hold onto a lifeline and hug Gary closer, sensing the trembles and shivers running through his spine, feeling the heat, warmness and sweet life still in the body while whispering a simple:

“I’ve got you, baby, I’ve got you.”

Like some kind of a spell. Or maybe a curse.

Gary embraced him tighter and, in the stillness of the universe, he simply whispered, right into his neck:

“I’m scared, Avocato.”

Fear. A family to some people. A greatest enemy to the others. But for them it was like a friend, although the one which could stab them with a knife in the back when they weren’t looking, looking remorsefully at the falling down corpses.

“I’m scared too.” Avocato said, moved his one paw to Gary’s hair and brought him even closer, finding some kind of comfort in the sensation of the blonde locks between his fingers.

“I don’t want to die.”

“You won’t.”

“Please, don’t lie to me.” Gary sniffed. “Not you.”

Avocato wasn’t sure how to answer that. What more he could say?

He probably couldn’t say more. Everything that needed to be said had been already lost to the time which had passed them by, without them even noticing it. Time that was ticking, bringing them closer and yet further apart.

“Okay.” He said in the end.

So they held each other, close and even closer, feeling the warmness spreading through their bodies, listening to their hearts beating together in some kind of a sad dance, swirling, moving, twirling when the cue was ringing above them.

They held and tried to remember this moment, etch it in the minds.

Then – too soon – Gary slowly moved away, untangling himself from the embrace.

And Avocato let him do it, let his hands slip down, losing the sparks of ember that had glided across it just a few seconds ago.

Then Gary made a step back – a step back that felt like light–years between them – and looked back up at him with a soft smile.

“Will you open the hangar doors for me?”

“Of course.”

Gary opened his mouth, closed it, but then leaned forward and pecked his cheek.

(Just like he had done so many months ago.)

It was a sparse touch, a freezing chilliness and a burning fire, that still scorched the skin, even after Gary had moved away.

“Take care of Little Cato and the rest.” He said.

“I will.”

Gary smiled and then turned on his heel to walk towards the ship.

Even though it broke his heart and destroyed his bones, Avocato turned around too and exited the hangar, letting the door close behind him with a hiss. It echoed loudly in the emptiness of the ship, even when Avocato looked back and glanced into the hangar through a small window.

Avocato could hear rushed footsteps behind him, getting closer and closer with every passing second.

Gary tapped several buttons on the console, changed something on the radar and then inhaled deeply before turning to him and showing him a thumbs up from the pilot cockpit.

Even from so far away, he could see the red circles around the eyes, the shivers running through the hands and the sudden hollowness in the irises. He could see the destruction that laid beneath their feet and the trail of blood they had left behind.

And in this very moment he wondered if the fate simply liked to play with them, tugging on the strings tied to their bodies to let them play on their own theatrical stage, finding pleasure in their misfortune.

Avocato flipped a handle and observed as the pressure in the hangar dropped, moving towards the red colors on a circular scale.

“Dad, no, wait!”

Gary was staring forward, but if Avocato wasn’t mistaken, there was a tension to his shoulders, almost like the man could hear Little Cato’s cries from the corridor.

(But that was impossible, was it?)

“Please wait!”

Avocato glanced at the small window, at the silhouette of Gary sitting in the pilot seat and then, before Little Cato could catch up, pressed the button.

The hangar doors opened

“Dad, no!”

Avocato turned around, observing his son running towards him through the silent ship. There were unshed tears in his eyes, small crystals accumulating near the corners and threating to fall down.

Their stares crossed and Avocato felt like the worst of thieves.

Little Cato turned his direction and leaped towards the console, reaching with his hands and hoping to mess something, to close the gate and prevent it all from happening.

Avocato moved forward, grabbed his son and in the same time they both heard engines bursting to life behind them. A sudden snap, a giant roar, a pained cry and then the ship shivered when Gary left the hangar.

“No, no, no, no, dad, let me go. We need to stop him.” Little Cato shouted, struggled, pushed, threw his hands around, trying to escape the hold Avocato had on him. “Dad please!”

But Avocato only clung tighter, feeling that he was crumbling inside. He was afraid he might do so, if he didn’t hold onto something real, something meaningful.

His chest was being emptied, leaving only a black hole behind, void, emptiness that resembled something, maybe beautiful worlds that had dried out.

Little Cato fought bravely, fought diligently, fought strongly, trying to escape, trying to twist his body, trying to run away, trying to brush him away, trying every small and big trick known to him to get away. But after a few minutes of struggle, his hands fell down, limply hanging near the sides.

Avocato felt his own strength leaving the body and he fell to his knees, holding tightly onto his son.

“Dad?” Little Cato said, voice hoarse and croaky, crooked due to all the wrong reasons.

“I’m sorry.” Avocato whispered, hiding his face in Little Cato’s body, embracing and hugging him, bringing him closer to feel the warmness that once had swum in his body, trying to find something to hold onto. “I’m so sorry.”

Little Cato stiffened for a moment and then crumpled down with Avocato, hitting his knees hard on the cold floor beneath them.

Soon there was wetness, terrible wetness on Avocato’s chest, heavy shudders that crackled and thundered around them, inside their chests, a pain that squeezed the hearts. A star of remorse exploded inside, destroying everything in its wake, letting them only hold onto each other, hoping for some kind of warmness, but finding vacuum of coldness instead.

They stayed like this for long enough that the enemy ships started to drift away, leaving their own ship alone, in the middle of nowhere, with destroyed oxygen tanks and engine that couldn’t move them forward. Left them to fend for themselves.

But they left them alone.

And in this loneliness, holding Little Cato tightly to his chest, Avocato looked up and saw a small dot behind the window, falling down and leaving a sparkling tail after itself.

Gary would call it a shooting star. Although from astronomical point of view it wasn’t that. Neither a star, neither a falling one.

(Maybe in the end it was only a perforated belief.)

Avocato knew it wasn’t possible. It had to be some kind of a meteor, burning in the atmosphere of a nearest planet or a comet drifting by. He knew it couldn’t be a shooting star. He knew it simply couldn’t be true.

Yet his heart whispered a silent wish.

(Although wasn’t it a little bit horrible? Trying to get one last wish from a poor, dying star?)

Avocato stared at the universe and hugged his son tighter, listening to his cacophonic heartbeat and feeling it resonate in his own perforated chest.

 the end

 “I'm coming wait for me

I hear the walls space repeating

The falling of our feet and

It sounds like drumming

And we are not alone

I hear the rocks stars and stones meteors

Echoing our song

I'm coming”

- Anaïs Mitchell

is it?

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who  cannot conceptualise  time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful  energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence.  So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have  now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and  although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.

[consummate-deviant]

Why I Think Entrapdak is Pretty Neat

Hello!  How’s the family?  Cat treating you okay?  Isn’t autumn just...like… the best?  Anyway, so, my Hordak thing turned out to be kinda popular.  I’m flattered, really!  If there are people out there willing to reward me writing stuff with positive attention, then I’ll just have to write more stuff.  I mentioned back then that I had a similar write-up about Entrapdak, as a ship… and there seemed to be a little bit of interest in hearing my thoughts on the subject. So, here ya go!  I’m Lancer, by the by.  Not a lot to me.  I’m a guy who likes things, and who enjoys articulating why I like things.  I don’t really do it for any particular reason. I’m not trying to pwn haters or convert nonbelievers…  As you may recall, though you might have missed it (I tend to be very lowkey and subtle about it), I’m not your dad and have no interest in the position… unless it pays.  I just feel like the internet doesn’t have enough positivity, and the best way to remedy that is to produce some of my own.  

As fate would have it, I like Entrapdak.  A lot.  I don’t ship often... a relationship has to really sync with me on a profound level to make me invested enough in it to want to write about it, but this one did it.  Now, I’m not really promising originality here.  As someone who explores the tag frequently, I know that plenty have expressed feelings I’m going to share with you here, many of whom did so better than I ever could, but sometimes you want to share your perspective, even if others whose opinions mirror yours have done so in the past, y’know? It’s a human thing! The relationship is a little… polarizing with people, though, I’ve noticed.  A lot of people hate it, and have various reasons for doing so.  Again, I ain’t here to convert you if you feel that way, but I did feel like the best way to kick things off would be to look at some of the major reasons other people tend to react to the ship like it were horseradish on a hotdog, and why those reasons don’t really bother me.  A part that I, in my infinite wit and adorned in my clever pants, have dubbed:

Part 1: Entrapdak- Why I don’t hate it

***EXAMPLE THE FIRST: “HORDAK, THE AGED”***

By now it’s fairly well known that Entrapta is somewhere in the range of her late 20s to her early 30s.  Now a few people refuse to accept this, citing her behavior as childish and accusing the creators of lying.    I’m not really going to engage with that perspective.  Hordak and Entrapta have appeared together in creator works and concept art dating back to 2017.  Their interactions were intended to be a part of the show from the early stages of its creation.  If you have so little faith in Noelle that you believe she planned for her story to have a romantic-coded relationship between an adult and a minor… I don’t know what I can even tell you.

Rather, the perspective that interests me comes from people who accept Entrapta being in the stated age range, but who still find themselves repulsed by the relationship on grounds of age.  ‘She’s an adult, sure, but how old is Hordak?  He could be in his fifties or sixties, or even be hundreds of years old.’  This point of view is at least interesting to think about, so I reckon I can share why this deal-breaker for some doesn’t really bother me.  

To begin,  assigning human ages, and the stigmas thereof, to an alien bat clone just feels strange to me.  The Horde doesn’t seem like the type of place to want to waste resources on alien bat clone daycare... was Hordak born as an infant, or was he artificially developed to his current age?  If it’s the later, do we consider him 0 years old at the moment of his birth, or already an adult?  We don’t have a timescale provided to accurately determine his age, so investing too heavily in trying to learn it seems somewhat tedious and a lotofwhat pointless.

If we do, though, my next question is: what is the element of an age gap that makes it inappropriate?  Now, that’s a personal question, of course. Morality isn’t something that really lends itself to objective declarations, but there are a few answers you can offer.  ‘Morality’ isn’t really the operative word here anyway... since it has more to do with taste, though this particular taste does come from what you believe…  Y’know, it just occurred to me, but…  People who believe that their taste in ships makes them morally superior, and that ships they dislike are supported by moral degenerates, seem like people who just aren’t a lot of fun to be around or think about… but that’s a digression, I’ll refocus my thought-lazer.

For me, with age gaps, it comes down to two things:

1.) Both parties being on the same side of the child/adult divide- I should hope this one sounds reasonable, right?  The ships that really powdered sugar my poptart are the ones that feel like equal partnerships, and relationships that try to cross this line tend to not be especially equal.  

2.) What stage in their lives they’re at-  It’s difficult for even a wizard of self expression like myself to state plainly, so let me give an example: If I saw a 25 year old dating a 50 year old, the 25-year age difference isn’t so much what makes it off-putting, but rather what those 25 years represent in this circumstance.  At age 25, people are still struggling to find themselves.  They’re adjusting to independence, gaining an identity, maybe finally finding an entryway into a career path that suits them.  By 50, a person is already established.  They likely have a career, they have a firm grasp on who they are as a person and what they want to be, and they almost certainly have a greater degree of financial stability.  Thus, if they enter a relationship, which is supposed to be equal, it doesn’t feel that way.  One side has a stronger position than the other, and over time that could become power they use to sway and control the other.

I don’t see Hordak as being in a more advanced stage of his life than Entrapta.  They seem to be at about the same place when it comes to self actualization.  In fact, Hordak is a bit more arrested in his development than Entrapta is, simply because he’s never really thought to question what would make him happy or why.  Hordak rules the Horde, which Entrapta is a part of… which could lead to an imbalance, if Entrapta, like, could be bothered to give even the slightest toss of a salad about status or promotion, but she doesn’t.  Neither of them holds higher ground over the other in a way that’s significant to the two of them.  In terms of life stage, they’re perfectly equal. The fact that Hordak might be physically older than her by some unspecified amount is, by itself, completely arbitrary and meaningless.  

*** EXAMPLE THE SECOND: ‘ENTRAPTA, THE MANIPULATED’***

A second, rarer discussion point for those who are unfond of the ship is that it’s unhealthy, on the grounds that Hordak is manipulating Entrapta.  Taking advantage of her naivete to coerce her into aiding the forces of darkness despite not caring for her at all.  Now, as I mentioned above, I ain’t writing this to change anyone’s mind.  If you’re reading this, and this is a viewpoint you hold as valid, do what makes you happy, homie.  That said, the issue I ran into when I tried to think of why this perspective didn’t bother me was a vexing one. See, I like to fancy myself an empathetic dude.  I try really hard to consider other people’s perspectives when I have a disagreement, and avoid judging anyone too harshly if I don’t know their full circumstance… but even with all that alleged empathy at my disposal… this hot take about Entrapdak is… kinda completely incomprehensible to me? Like, I have no idea how anyone could have seen the interactions between the two and draw this conclusion?

Part of it has to do with how Entrapta is written.  She’s both ADHD-coded and Autistic-coded, and there’s a tendency to perceive the behaviors of both those groups of people as childish.  People who see that ‘childishness’ extrapolate it further to a general innocence/stupidity, and assume the character in question lacks the faculties to engage with other people evenly.

Look, I don’t have ADHD, but I am super, duper autistic.  Having lived with myself for a lifetime, let me just say, I kind of get why this happens.  We get extremely focused on our hobbies, we’re bad at reading social nuance, we have very simplistic body language, we tend to express our emotions in a very blunt and straightforward manner… I get that, for most neurotypical people, the only other group they ever encounter who shares these traits are children, and thus they tend to subconsciously connect the two.  I understand why it happens, even if I do find it awkward and condescending.

…but y’all are underestimating Entrapta.  She’s not helping the horde because she’s helpless and being manipulated. She’s helping them because she has no moral compass to speak of, and will eagerly assist with any scientific endeavor she finds interesting, without care for its ultimate application.  In season 1, she knew well in advance the damage her actions would have on the world, and followed through with them anyway.  In season 2, she happily assisted in the creation of a portal, knowing full-well that its opening would invite a colonialist military force into the vicinity of her home, and only withdrew her support for the project… hesitantly… when it became clearly evident that activating it would eradicate all life on the planet.   At no point is she ever acting while the applications of her actions are being hidden from her by Hordak.  She’s not an innocent child.  

The thing is, though, I agree that Entrapta would be incredibly easy to manipulate… if someone knew what buttons to push. She is very self conscious of how difficult it is for her to form lasting emotional bonds with other people.  She tends to blame herself when she feels she’s been abandoned by others, and feels that her inability make friends is a sign that she’s a defective failure. If someone wanted to manipulate her into doing something she didn’t want to do, they would probably find success if they offered her friendship and then fed into that self loathing, emotionally abusing her by implying that she was indeed a failure, and would be abandoned again if she didn’t obey.  That is totally something someone could do to her, and I would absolutely not enjoy any ship between her and such a person.  Good thing Hordak… y’know… did literally the opposite of that.

***EXAMPLE THE THIRD- “ENTRAPDAK, THE PLATONIC”***

A nice short one to balance out the longer examples above.  Quite a few people just deny that there are romantic implications behind their interactions, and see them as a friendship instead.  I do disagree with this assessment, but honestly, even if it were true, this would still be my favorite relationship in the show.  

Something that has always boggled me about people on the internet is their tendency to treat friendship like some ‘equal but opposite’ force to romance… a status independent of a romantic relationship rather than literally the foundation upon which all successful romantic relationships are built.  Genuine friendship is a beautiful, underrated thing, and acting as though the bond of friendship is inherently less worthy of appreciation than romance is silly.

So… yeah…  platonic Entrapdak… I disagree, but even if you’re right and I’m wrong in the end… I’ll be pretty okay with that, too.  Movin’ on.

***EXAMPLE THE FOURTH: ‘HORDAK, THE IRREDEEMABLE’***

For the last dealbreaker I want to consider today, I figured I’d bring one up that’s a lot like the platonic argument, in my eyes: that an evil guy like Hordak can’t change his ways, even with the power of love.  Thus, the relationship is bust, because what’s the point of of a villain x heroine ship, if not to redeem the villain?

...

So, recently I wrote this whole big thing about Hordak, where I argued in favor of his redemption, and why I felt like that was where the story is going… I stand by the opinions expressed there, but I’d like to ask any who read that to push it out of their mind for now.  Hordak’s redemptive potential is largely irrelevant to my feelings about this ship.  When it comes to entrapdak, when confronted by the possibility that Hordak may remain a villain, my reaction is the most intense and passionate of shrugs.

...I just don’t care.

There’s a tendency to assume that redemption is the aim of a villain ship, and I suppose I can see why that is.  There’s a bit of a stereotype for female fantasies where they fix a broken man with the power of their love, and when people ship villains, that’s probably the first assumption an outsider will make as to why.  I cannot speak for others, but that’s just not a factor in the appeal of their relationship for me.

When you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of another person, you open yourself up to the risk of being completely devastated by them.  When you show vulnerability to another person, and they accept that side of you, and express vulnerability of their own, you establish a genuine connection with that person, and those connections are kiiiinda one of the most important elements of the human experience.

That Hordak was a villain who did terrible things was always kinda aside from the point of what really makes Entrapta and Hordak such a bewitching pairing for me.  It was always the serendipity of two people who privately believe they’re alone in the world realizing they resonate with one another in a meaningful way.  Resonance is the appeal of Entrapdak, not redemption.

I tend to hope for Hordak’s redemption, I won’t lie, and I do think it’s likely, but I don’t think it’ll be love that redeems him, nor would I want it to be… not entirely.  I like seeing flawed, morally dark/gray characters overcome the obstacles that deny them self actualization, and watching them grow as a result.

That’s got nothing to do with him and Entrapta, though.  Whether the story ends with the pair of them riding into the sunset to collect data and invent shit, or with the pair of them leading the Horde in the name of galactic conquest and terror… I’m down with it either way, dude.   In the context of the ship, I care that Hordak is an evil overlord… about as much as Entrapta does.

However, pseudo-responding to naysayers is a bit negative for my tastes.  I prefer to focus on the positive in life, like the smell of soil and rain on a crisp autumn morning.  I… I’m in a very fall mood, okay?  Sue me.  Y’know what else I like, though?  Entrapdak.  Lemme wax poetic for a bit longer, and I’ll tell ya why this ship is, like, the peanut butter on my blueberry pancakes.

Part 2: Entrapdak- Why I love it

So, uh… If brevity is the soul of wit, I may be something of an idiot.  I’ve made my peace with that, of course, I’m just sayin’: I’m many things, but I’m not pithy.  If someone were to put a gun to my head, though, and demand that I describe the shipping aesthetic I love the most in life in a single sentence… I would probably respond with this:

My favorite ships are ones in which awkward, lonely people bond over a shared fondness of nerdy hobbies.

Now, that sounds super narrow, and it totally is… I don’t get new OTPs very often… but hearing that, I imagine you can see why Entrapta and Hordak immediately appealed to me.  It goes a bit deeper, though.  

The bonds between people are a major part of the story of She-ra.  We see how characters are changed, positively or negatively, by the connection they share with other characters.  Just like in real life, these connections are a mixed bag; some of them are positive, and some are negative.  Some characters, like Hordak and Catra, resonate strongly with one another, but the resonance is a negative force in their lives, which draws them deeper into darkness, and for many of the characters in the show, their character journeys are about breaking free of such toxic relationships and forming healthy bonds.

The bond between Entrapta and Hordak is unique among all bonds in the show though, in that it is the only one that isn’t mixed.  It is an unambiguous positive influence on both of them. Let’s break it down a little bit.

***ENTRAPTA***

Entrapta, at first, seems like the kind of person who isn’t super connected to other people.  At the princess prom, she mentions that she finds observing the relationships of others far more fascinating than forging relationships of her own, and she spends much of the early seasons working alone with her robots, buried in whichever task happens to have her interest in that particular moment.  

Later seasons gradually tear this facade away, though, and reveal a fairly tragic truth hidden behind it.  I mentioned above that she internalizes her failures to form lasting bonds with other people, and is genuinely distraught about it.  When she’s exiled to Beast Island, her frustration at her inability to make friends was the driving force that chained her there, even more so than her love of technology and invention.  It becomes clear that, to some degree, she buries herself in her work to escape her feelings of inadequacy.

This is a relatable and sad thing to realize about a character, but it also has the unpleasant effect of making events that were played for laughs earlier in the show somewhat tragic in hindsight.  Seeing the way she interacted with the Princess Alliance, you could see how she would have come to a very soul-crushing misunderstanding:  That, among other people, she was someone whose presence was… tolerated- at times even appreciated- but never seemed to be enjoyed by anyone. She was the friend everyone sought out when they needed her help, then forgot about.  

This wasn’t the case, of course, and clarifying her value to the group was what ultimately helped her escape the vines in season four, but from her perspective that was how it appeared, and likely how all her previous interactions with other people had gone before that. Some people complained about how easily Entrapta was able to believe that the princesses had left her behind, but it’s the same reason Hordak was so easily able to believe that Entrapta had betrayed him: In the eyes of someone who hates themselves, it’s only a matter of time before others abandon them.  

That said, it also goes to show why Hordak became so special to her.  For the first time in her life, she had a friend who joined her in her workspace, instead of leaving her to a task after giving it to her.  Someone able to converse equally with her about subjects she was interested in.  The elements of herself that made it so difficult to draw closer to others were the very same elements that caused her to get so close to him.  Her intelligence and hyper-focus upon science made her the intellectual peer of a space-faring alien, her lack of awareness of social subtext helped her to see beyond the barriers he put up to keep other people away, and her past experience with failure and rejection helped her to empathize with his pain.

It’s perfectly pleasant to find someone who accepts you and enjoys your company despite not understanding the idiosyncratic elements of your personality, but that pales in comparison to how it feels to find someone who accepts you precisely because they understand those elements.

***Hordak***

Hordak didn’t really have ‘peers’, per se, for most of his life.  We don’t know the level of autonomy the average clone has in the Horde… but I feel comfortable assuming that the level isn’t very high.  Thus, his circumstance differs quite a bit from Entrapta, in that, rather than trying to form bonds with others, and feeling like he failed, for much of his life he never had the chance to try to form them in the first place.

He is, at first, deeply dismissive of the people of Etheria, whom he regards as primitives who are beneath his acknowledgment.  Much of this, as with much of everything that dictates how he treats others, is born of projection… dude has some pretty major self-loathing issues… but regardless of cause, it results in a kind of self-imposed isolation.

Unlike Entrapta, who knew, on some level, that her lack of ability to bond with others troubled her, Hordak kept most of his emotions bottled up... Locked so deeply inside him that not even he really bothered to try to understand them.  That was where her disposition and his meshed perfectly for him.  Because Entrapta was defined by her curiosity, and her lackluster awareness of his attempts to keep her at bay, she was able to metaphorically crack him open, forcing him to vocalize and confront his own motivations.

Sometimes you need someone to just… like... grab you with their hair, push you up against a vat, and demand you tell them everything, man.

I’ve already discussed Hordak fairly extensively in my first blog blurb thingy, and while I repeat myself by accident quite frequently, I’m loathe to repeat myself on purpose.  I just wanted to take the opportunity to marvel at how well their personalities fit together.  Perhaps I’m just high on this feeling: I’ve never actually shipped something a creator so clearly intended to be there, before!

*** In Conclusion***

We’re all born imperfect, and we’ll all die imperfect.  Our imperfections are similar, but never uniform.  Each of us bears jagged cuts and missing sections of many shapes and sizes.  Humans are social creatures, and it’s in our nature to constantly seek one another out.  We keep trying to find people who are strong where we are weak; someone whose missing sections happen to lie in a pattern compatible with our own.

We’ll resonate with many in our lifetime.  Sometimes, the melody will be harmonious, and guide all involved higher and higher into the light of self actualization. Other times the sound will be discordant, and pull us down into self destruction.  Sadly, from our perspective in the middle, it will always be difficult to tell which is which.

I love the relationship between Entrapta and Hordak because it’s a dynamic that elevates both of them.  Not in a moral sense, but in a personal one.  In a series defined by toxic and uneven relationships that wear others down and tear them apart, these two have a dynamic that shelters and reinforces them.  Giving them an opportunity to be glad they were born the way they were, instead of cursing their misfortune.

It’s the kind of relationship that makes me muse about how imperfection really is beautiful.  It’s because we’re imperfect that we never stop trying to harmonize with other people, and if there’s one theme I can’t help but feel that the show itself is building toward, it’s this: Two in harmony surpass one in perfection.  

*** So hey!  Thanks for reading all of that!  Sorry if it was a bit of a mess.  Saying nothing with a great deal of words is a talent of mine, but I really do love these guys, and if you love ‘em too, don’t let anyone grind you down over it!

Let me know if you enjoyed my work, though!  If so, I’ll be happy to share my thoughts on other things, since I’ll be stuck with this series on my brain until I see how my new obsession plays out.  In the meantime take care of yourselves! If you do heavy lifting, make sure to do so with your knees, not your back.  Tell someone who makes your day a little brighter how much you appreciate them.  Then, take some time to savor the greatest of all winter beverages: hot apple cider.

[theanimeview]

Theory: The True Voice of Yusuke Urameshi

By: Casea Mhtar, @madamekrow​

Yu Yu Hakusho is ultimately my favourite anime, to the point where I can’t bear the thought of liking an anime more than it. For example, Berserk (1997) will be my “number 1” while Yu Yu Hakusho has exceeded the list altogether because its pedestal is just that high. That is the length I must go to secure a strange sense of balance for myself and stave off yet another identity crisis for a different reason. So you can probably imagine how much chaos was thrown at me when I found out that Yusuke Urameshi’s voice actor is completely different than the one I vividly recall when I found myself rewatching the series a few weeks ago. I have a memory of my sister and I watching a single episode she had taped on VCR and we would specifically watch the credits nonstop. We were trying to memorize the song (with great success, I might add).

At the time, there was still no means of listening to the ending theme anywhere other than its source. YouTube wasn’t really a thing, and even if it was we didn’t have access to the same databases we have today. So we watched that part over and over and over again. I remember etching each image into our minds, every lyric into our internal roster of songs as it played on repeat. The names kept popping up just as they did before the last and the voice actor of Yusuke Urameshi, my favorite character, was none other than Yuri Lowenthal.

I distinctly recall thinking “Yuri, that’s a cool name” to myself as his name came up again and again. Not to be rude, but “Justin Cook” just isn’t exactly a name that would elicit such a thought from me and, indeed, never came to mind since I am certain it wasn’t in the credits of my beloved Yu Yu Hakusho VHS. 

So, in my rewatching of the show, present-day me had the initial assumption that what was going on here was a perverse version of the Mandela Effect. However, looking into it now, I feel that completely waters down my experience and doesn’t actually explain what happened. 

I mean, I can’t simply ignore my recollection as being a false memory, as every Mandela Effect is reasoned away with. No. I needed to find true reasoning for this madness. 

For the sake of convenience and for the lack of a better theory, I will settle on there being an unexplained dimensional shift. Certainly, any reasonable person could argue that I made a mistake. I simply misread the credits, maybe even pulled that name from somewhere else. Or perhaps Yuri was Yusuke’s voice actor from a different dub! But that isn’t the case as seen in this YouTube video comparing EVERYONE who has voiced Urameshi. 

So... Let’s say this was all a misunderstanding on my part. BUT THEN it didn’t just end with me incorrectly reading names in the credits over and over. I didn’t wrongly perceive the Funimation dubbing as being someone else and then call it a day. I was validated in my belief for a long period of time by outside sources.

.Hack//G.U. Vol. 1: Rebirth (2006)

The overall series of .Hack// is a subject I will certainly indulge in more in the future, but for the purpose of staying on-topic, I shall restrain myself. The reason I bring it up now is because in 2006, when .Hack//G.U. Vol. 1: Rebirth was released (I will always say it in full!), the protagonist--Haseo--sounded so familiar. I couldn’t quite figure it out until I saw who was credited with the voice acting. Out loud, in front of witnesses (if you count my birds), I said, “Yuri Lowenthal?. . . Wait, is that the voice of-”

I looked up his name to find he was-at that time-credited as the voice of Yusuke Urameshi. Quite a mistake that is since officially he is unlisted in the series yet multiple people around the world think otherwise, the same as me. Not only that, but updating all of Lowenthal’s pages to be credited with Haseo in addition to Urameshi. Many people had to review those pages, many people happened upon those pages and never bothered to correct them. That’s what really gets me. Sure, if my Ego was backed into a corner then yes, I can perhaps admit that my eyeballs had failed me and that’s all you’re gonna get out of me! Yet there is no copy I can find of him voicing the character online.

Could this be an example of lost media instead then? Well, no. Apparently not. Most anyone I’ve told about this believes I am confusing him with someone else. They may not remember “Justin Cook” at the top of their heads, however they are adamant about Yuri Lowenthal never, ever voicing Yusuke Urameshi. Because he didn’t... in this dimension.

Perhaps I truly am mixing him up his voice with a different character? Yuri Lowenthal is also famously the voice actor for Sasuke Uchiha in the english dub of Naruto. An extremely popular character from an anime that is surrounded by an enormous and ever growing fan base. The problem with that is, I’ve never watched Naruto. I didn’t even know Lowenthal was in any way a part of Naruto until I was somewhat adjusted into adulthood. When explaining my entire theory to a friend, I asked them if they can imagine the essence of an other-dimensional Yusuke within the voice of Haseo. 

“All I hear is Sasuke from Naruto,” They bluntly said.

I’ll be honest... That hurt more than it should have, but I swallowed my pride and looked into it since I’ve never actually heard what Sasuke sounds like.

What I begrudgingly find is that my friend was right. Again, this was the first time I had ever heard Yuri Lowenthal as Sasuke and I didn’t know that he was the voice actor until a few years prior. This entire ordeal leaves me feeling unnerved that there are so many loopholes being found in the False Memory Theory. It can’t be completely dismissed as large scale misinformation or misremembering. That is why I had to settle on the theory that there was some strange dimensional shift, even with how outlandish that sounds.

The Discovery

I don’t know when it occurred and I’m not sure how I missed it, but it happened. You would think being thrust out of your prior dimension, or being crammed into a different one, would have some sort of impact. Maybe that’s why I developed back problems during my teenage years, I can’t really say. All I can recall is the feeling of my stomach hitting the floor through the bottom of my feet when I finally found out. I was watching the DVD box set of Yu Yu Hakusho that my friend lent me and I could immediately tell something was not right. Yusuke didn’t sound anything like I remembered, the voice--the tone--was weird, his inflections were way off, it was all wrong! WRONG, I TELL YOU. So, to the internet I went only to find someone else being credited...

“Justin Cook this” and “Justin Cook that” appeared all over. There was even a video of him yelling “spirit gun” for a fan and I was still in disbelief! There was no way! This wasn’t possible! 

Apparently, in this dimension it is though, and that is a fact that I will have to live with for the rest of my life... or until reality throws me back to my own dimension. The knowledge that I will look crazy whenever I tell this story, as well as the reality that there could be more dubs out their with voices unknown. Not just voice actors, but entire animes—maybe video games, even people I thought I knew! Who knows what was left behind with Yuri Lowenthal as Urameshi! I don’t care to think about it too much. My heart is wounded enough I tell you. I already have a crippling fear of one day finding out my whole life is a lie—I don’t need to rack my brain about all of this as well.

In Conclusion,

Yuri Lowenthal was fantastic as Urameshi and I wish I could somehow put my memory into an audio clip for everyone to hear. Not so much to prove that he was better, but to solidify why my experience is very real to me. Though, if you did hear the Yusuke that I knew, I truly believe you would think it was pretty good at the very least. (Not that Justin is bad... just that it feels wrong to my beloved memory... sorry Mr. Cook.) On the bright side, Lowenthal is plenty successful and I am always rooting for him regardless. Sure, Justin Cook is my “number 1” Urameshi in this dimension, but the Yuri Lowenthal rendition that doesn’t exist in this world has exceeded the list all together in my heart. His pedestal is just too high.

What about those of you reading this? Do any of you have a similar experience? Maybe you also remember Yuri Lowenthal as Yusuke Urameshi! Let us know! (Let ME know! Please--I beg someone to find a copy if one exsists in this world. 😭) 

Happy Wednesday. I guess. Bye. 

[tslasvegas]

Episode 9: “Dear Diary, it’s me, Jaiden” - Jaiden

I feel like I've had a breakthrough. I just survived my first merge vote of the game and I wasn't even having a meltdown. That's already miles and miles ahead of my last Tumblr Survivor season where I made the merge. Although I don't think my position in this game is locked yet, I feel pretty good about where I stand. I hope that the Touchy Subjects answers reveal my hopes that I'm not a threat to anybody and that people don't believe the common idea is that I'm shitty or too perfect or something. If that makes any sense. Basically I just want to know that I'm doing okay here so far. I feel good about my chances at that but we need some work to be done before I can say that for certain. I hate seeing Andrew leave because like I said he's someone that I wanted to work with, but I have to believe what people said about him being an over-player, a mess, etc. and just stick to my guns that I made the right call here. I kind of wanted to see if Joey would play his legacy for Ben but I'm glad I held back on that because I hope the legacy will come back in the future to save me. I don't have a lot of confidence when it comes to the literal minefield of idols and nullifiers out there. As long as I continue convincing people I'm on their side, or that I'm not the enemy at least, those things won't get used on me. Right now that we're on the jury, I NEED to focus on my jury management first and foremost. I am super okay with playing my strategic and social game the way I've been doing it thus far (obv learning from past mistakes.....) but the killer to my game 99% of the time I've made it deep in these things is how I get that jury to feel about me. Protect myself in game, but also set up a jury of folks who feel like they can trust me and only me. And.. hopefully some day I'll blindside Joey and he'll give me his legacy advantage.

...five seconds later

Tbh I hope that Jake reads this after the season and realizes that I never once at this point in the merge find him annoying. Somehow in his own mind he thinks hes like, the worst person ever and I'm trying to tell him he's not, he's great, we have a lot of work ahead of, etc and he's not buying it at all. Idk if this is him trying to emotionally manipulate me or not, but.. like.. thats my gameplan tf! 

So Steph, Pat and Jeff were left out of the vote. But Jaiden said it was supposed to be unanimous. That means that Keegan, Liv and Joey purposely left them out. I don't understand why they would intentionally make enemies. Better for us I suppose. We just got to keep our ragtag group of 6 together: me, John, Jake, Kailyn, Jaiden and Ben.

So the merge vote was quite interesting. With this being a 13 person merge, I tend to believe it is best to play a tad conservatively early on. This made it to where I figure the OG Palazzo would get a good 1-2 rounds of things their way before Keegan, Jake, and I mounted our little rebellion. As it turns out, I woke up to Jake and Keegan wanting me on call because Andrew was being as messy as he was on our swap tribe. Jake said that Andrew confirmed the OG Palazzo chat, something Keegan and I had already did, and that Keegan threw Jake's name out in said chat and Andrew shot it down. In reality, Andrew is actually the person that threw Jake out. He threw Jake's name out first on our swap tribe and he threw it out first here. I am really unsure what game Andrew really wanted to play beyond making sure he had options outside of the OG Palazzo. So from this point, we went around and got a feel for who we could pull. Joey had already expressed to Keegan that he felt nervous about there being a massive numerical OG Palazzo majority. The game is better for all of us if it is a bad more fluid. We ended up kicking Andrew to the curb in a 9-4 vote with Steph, Jeff, Pat, and Andrew voting in the minority. We talked in the OG Palazzo chat and those left out seemed to understand once we explained some of Andrew's missteps in PM's. This is good because I want some form of OG Palazzo to be there if it becomes something that I need down the line. At this current moment, I have heard no one bring up the super idol that is in Keegan and I's possession so I can only assume that we got lucky and no one actually checked the vault after we grabbed it. This could be due to lack of chips at the time or people just forgetting to. So for now, I shall assume everyone thinks that the super idol is vibing on the idol board, which is very good for me. Typically with a super idol, it would be super easy for you to get voted out the round after saving yourself with it. That is why I would like for it to get as deep into this game as possible. At the end of the day, the best part about having it is knowing its whereabouts and not having someone else possess it. So after TC, Jake, Keegan, and I hopped on call to celebrate. Jake revealed that Joey offered a 4 to him and Jake said I am good and should be included. This is how many current alliances are looking: - F2: Keegan and I - Three of Us: Keegan, Jake, and I - Meninism: Keegan, Jake, Joey, Jaiden, and I - OG Palazzo: Keegan, Joey, Jeff, Pat, Steph, and I This makes it so that the only people I do not have some sort of alliance with are Ben, Kailyn, John, and Xavier. I like these people but that is kind of how the game is shaking out currently. Ideally, I want Ben out next as it would allow my 3 to fade into the background and let what should be a consensus boot happen. After TC, multiple people expressed that Ben hadn't been very social. Now the current challenge is Touchy Subjects and I hope I do not get too many positive ones just because they could result in me being targeted. I think I am in a good spot to where I am doing well socially and having one on one's with everyone in some capacity, but I am hoping I am not perceived as any sort of power player at the moment. That fucked me in Trinity: Deception Island and I would not like for that to fuck me over here. I do think I have the connections to make it through for a little while. I see a path to the end but as I get closer I will have to evaluate whether or not that is a winning path to the end. Below is a short synopsis of my one on ones with people: - Steph: like nothing because I have found her super dry premerge - Jaiden: we have been talking about reading and writing and books and it is a good time - Jeff: he is a king and we have been talking about theatre and work and past games and shit - Jake: not as much one on one stuff due to our calls with Keegan - Keegan: not a lot but I have been updating him prior to updating the 3 chat - Kailyn: college and majors and such - Xavier: not a whole lot but he seems really sweet and messaged me "i am glad we voted together :)" after TC and I found that super wholesome - Ben: he has not responded in a bit but he wanted to strategize for the idol hunt with me - Joey: a decent bit of memes back and forth - Pat: lots of small talk but we have had some good convos and he seems to understand the Andrew move - John: we talked a bit about Atomic Nova Scotia Overall, I think I am doing well but not overtly so. This is ideal when we are still at Final 12 I think.

I think Palazzo will vote out Stephanie :) They hate women

Wow. I'm writing this after immunity results. I'm kind of just gonna word vomit. I checked off individual immunity from my checklist. And it's this challenge. The one that eliminated me in 26. The one that crushed 16 year old Jake's self confidence, and made him never want to play again. I got Hero, want to win, funniest, and stop talking which is kind of my favorite. I never ever thought I'd come back after 73 seasons, win THIS challenge, and in an individual setting. I changed history a little bit. And now I'm in the final 11. Ben is the easy vote this round, personally I'd love to see Stephanie go so that I can have Xavier to myself. But I can't push too hard. I controlled last vote, let someone else have a turn in the sun. I get to chill for once.

Now that’s character development!

Move now or lay low?

Final 12 feels pretty good, but final 11 will be so much better. If I make it through this vote, this will be the longest I’ve made it in a merge! And I’ll tie my placement with India :) Obviously I am still focused on my goal of making it thru til single digits, but I’m celebrating the small victories now so I don’t focus too hard on strategy that doesn’t need to take place this early. I feel like everyone is going to be looking at Ben as the dude they need to get rid of, so I won’t be surprised if he ends up going home. I don’t think that is the absolute worst thing for my game right now, but I’d prefer Stephanie or Xavier going before Ben at least for right now. I suppose I don’t have a huge voice on the subject but my pitch to keep Ben tomorrow is that it keeps Kailyn away from trying to work with Stephanie and Xavier who, frankly, need to be part of the next couple boots if we’re thinking big picture.. I don’t know if Joey will listen to me. Another option is maybe see if we can swing votes to Pat. Would anybody be upset to see Pat go home? Who knows. But basically my relationships are so little with Pat, Kailyn, Stephanie, and Xavier and idk what to do about them right now. I really just don’t wanna see those four link up and go super far because that would be kinda boring and really devastating LOL Another big win for me today was that I got put into the Meninist alliance with Jake, Joey, Livingston, and Keegan. While I’m not particularly fond of Livingston yet, we’ll see if he grows on me :) if not he can say adios. Since Joey is looking REALLY dangerous I’m gonna try to distance myself from him more and more right now. I don’t want people to think I’m drinking his kool aid bc I’m not, but I don’t want him to think I’ve turned on him bc I definitely want him to still give me that legacy advantage.. This morning I was thinking about how I can really give myself a better trajectory to the end and I’m a little bit confused still on what my winning conditions are for this game. What moves can I start making today that will set me up for six tribals down the line when surely the game is getting messy as fuck and I need protection from all sides? Maybe discrediting people like Xavier, Stephanie, Kailyn, Pat, and even Livingston aren’t the best things for me to do right now. I want to keep people who are in my corner safe such as Jeff, Keegan, Jake, and hopefully Joey but we’re almost to the halfway point of the game and it’s not going to be easy to keep everybody including myself safe. It’s no longer a question of whether I’ll win this or not. It’s a question of how I win. The merge is what counts I think.. everything before that was just the foundation for success. My foundation is cracked and not the best but I’m picking up the pace, I think. Whatever. If I have to use my social connections to Joey or John or whoever, I’m going to manipulate them to what benefits me. I don’t wanna go down that path of being messy but some day soon these ppl are gonna realize they should’ve never trusted me to begin with... because I’m coming for them.

Me almost forgetting confessionals were a thing. Ben is really popping off here today because he knows he's the boot. And now he has created a "straights alliance". This... is such a weird day. I wanna just go back to bed and not deal with all of this because it's weird.

6 years ago I wanted to pull of a move like this. I can get Ben to explode in main chat and with everyone. Pick fights, freak out, tank people’s games, just be a monster. And without anyone knowing, I’ll give him my safety without power. Idols will be flushed, mass panic, and I have immunity so I’m just chilling. We’re about to gamble baby.

Dear Diary, it’s me, Jaiden. Ben went off the deep end today and proved that he was a wasted spot on this season to begin with. This tribe is only big enough for one messy bitch, and not only that but I'm one big fat messy bitch, so sorry Ben but your time has come. 

I always get a bad feeling before tribal. I just hope Ben goes, and it’s easy and smooth and there’s no issues. 

I thought Kailyn was horny texting me, turns out she's just high........ Kailyn, 5:15 PM so is the vote tonight ben ?? i’m kind of [redacted] rn don’t know what’s going on 😳 Jaiden, 5:15 PM yeah :/ i feel bad bc ive grown to like ben but no one is offering any sort of alternative omg whats redacted Kailyn, 5:16 PM 😳😳😳 legally, it’s a joke 💖 Jaiden, 5:16 PM IM??? Kailyn, 5:16 PM JSDJKSKA Jaiden, 5:16 PM WHAT do u mean uimm i cant find the up emoji but like UP u know?? Kailyn, 5:16 PM SJHDJDKSLA yes 💖 Jaiden, 5:17 PM omg queeeeeeeen i love that for u JOKINGLY of course hehe Kailyn, 5:17 PM for the laugh 💖💖💖💖💖 thank u Jaiden, 5:17 PM god we stan r u gonna be at tribal?? Kailyn, 5:18 PM if i remember yes ofc 😇 me trying to do my french hw rn: 🧍‍♀️🧍🧍‍♂️ Jaiden, 5:19 PM HAHA good...i wanna see u pop awf hopefully HJAHHAHA i love the emojis Jaiden, Kailyn, 5:19 PM NSHDJSJAJ ofc 💖 Jaiden, 5:19 PM god im truely living my best life thru u rn tell me something french Kailyn, 5:22 PM je can’t remember a word of français rn bc i’m so h word 💖🙏🥵 Jaiden, 5:22 PM *HAPPY!!* Kailyn, 5:27 PM so true 😇 Jaiden, 5:27 PM wait i hope we mean the same h word im starting to think its not the one im thinking of....... Kailyn, 5:28 PM DJDJDJKSAKALKAK uhhh not me accidentally calling Xavier 😭😭😭😭 Jaiden, 5:29 PM DID HE ANSWER Kailyn, 5:30 PM YEAHHHSJDJSKLALA Jaiden, 5:31 PM WHAT HAPPENED IM FUIOHWODIH thats so fucking funy Kailyn, 5:31 PM NDDHJDKSS I SAW MY FACE POP UP ON THE SCREEN AND I WAS LIKE FUCK Jaiden, 5:31 PM H9uhiudheiuhfH Kailyn, 5:31 PM AND HE WAS LIKE. DID U CALL Jaiden, 5:31 PM VIDEO CALL????????????? Kailyn, 5:31 PM AND I WAS LIKE UHHH Jaiden, 5:31 PM IM DYING Kailyn, 5:32 PM AND HUNG UP Jaiden, 5:32 PM KAILYN Kailyn, 5:32 PM NSHDHDKSLSLA Jaiden, 5:32 PM IM LAUGHING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKIGNM HARD Kailyn, 5:32 PM ate some Good chocolate on this night 😤👼 Jaiden, 5:33 PM oh my GOD you're talking about the H i DIDNT THINK U WERE TAKING ABT Kailyn, 5:33 PM JDDHJDKSKALAP WHAT DID U THINK Jaiden, 5:33 PM maybe calling xavier wasnt on accident i THOUGHT you were talking about being high but UGHFWO)DJH CHOCOLATE IS AN APHRODISIAC Kailyn, 5:34 PM YEAH I AM WTF Jaiden, 5:34 PM WHAT] Kailyn, 5:34 PM DJJDDJKSLSPAPS NOOOOOO Jaiden, 5:34 PM I TOHUGHT Kailyn, 5:34 PM SHJDJDKDOEOEOWOWA Jaiden, 5:34 PM OMFG Kailyn, 5:34 PM BCUCNCNDODNDIEOEKOEW Jaiden, 5:34 PM WHEN U SAID CALLED XAVIER AND THE CHOCOLATE Kailyn, 5:34 PM WHAT THE FUCKODKSKSKS NOOOOOOO Jaiden, 5:34 PM I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING Kailyn, 5:34 PM DBHDJSKAKAKS BYE NOOOOOO DJDHDJSKALLAA Jaiden, 5:34 PM IM DETLTING MY FUCKING ACCOUNT IM DLEETING MY FUCKING ACCOT Kailyn, 5:34 PM HSHDHDKSKALA