#am i overreacting? cause i strongly believe i'm not

[santips-mmdxli]

i just realized that ozone dies in a timeline AND IM NOT OKAY, my precious little boy that i swore to protect is DEAD SOMEWHERE LIKE????

[maniwakpa]

Learning it was bpd this whole time and not just "hysterics" and "anxiety" was a kind of validation I never knew I could feel. It was both "oh..." and "OH!" at the same time. So like all these feelings I felt so strongly all the time; the crying, the self hatred, the long string of failures in relationships and jobs, THE ANGER, the feeling of absolute numb emptiness... going through 5 different moods in the span of an hour...all of these were symptoms the whole time, not me just "looking for attention" or "overreacting"

I don't believe the diagnosis gave me an excuse to be like that, it doesn't excuse my behavior at all but it definitely explains it and that is so much more important to me than being excused for my shitty behavior. Now that I am aware I have so much more agency over my thoughts and actions. Knowing there is a reason for my maligned thoughts allows language like "am I really angry right now? What triggered this, is this left over from another unrelated instance? Let's address this where it's coming from instead of what it's causing"

It's not always easy, I still have days where I slip into old patterns and my moods can still swing pretty extremely...but I can say that the episodes are shorter and less impactful.

Writing like this helps my rude-ass brain remember we have this figured out, at least for now, and we can feel what we feel without turning it into self-loathing hour. This is my looking back to see how far I've come because my brain is making me feel like I've done shit and my efforts are ineffective.

Edit:

I'm not a therapist or anything, but if you suffer from bpd and just need someone to talk to about it, I'm here, send me a message <3

[bookwyrminspiration]

Response to an ask from Ophelia:

Ophelia! Hello! Glad the message I forgot is fine, it's an unfortunate thing I do all the time but there really is nothing behind it. Just forgetfulness--the moment the notif bubble is gone if I haven't responded to it it's getting forgotten.

That being said, on to the issue. I can tell you that what you're experiencing is not normal and you're not overreacting. Some people may experience what you do in small doses, but not to the extreme you're describing.

I'm not a mental health expert, so keep that in mind, but based on what you're describing and what I do know about mental health, the two things it might benefit you to look into further are OCD and psychosis/psychotic disorders (suggesting these may seem intimidating at first, but it's okay). I don't have the authority to say "oh you have these!" but some of what you're describing matches the symptoms as I'm familiar with them, so it may be worthwhile to investigate.

My reasoning is that they may be obsessive thoughts (If I don't do this, I'll die. If I don't do this, people can read my mind) that cause you distress. That distress leads to compulsively doing something to alleviate it (repeating sentences of thanks, checking home pages). That doesn't mean doing it makes you feel good, it might just temporarily get rid of the obsessive worry. Here's a link to the International OCD Foundation's explanation and examples, which is one of many sources you can review.

The second part you describe also seems to match descriptions of delusions in psychosis, believing something very strongly that's untrue (I know the typical thought is psychosis=hallucinations, but that's not strictly true). You aren't aware that these things you believe aren't real and to you they're absolutely true. It's a disconnect from reality and can lead to fear and confusion when you try and figure out what's true. Here's a link to a site covering some symptoms you can look through. You may notice on that list is the thinking someone is planning to kill you, and it's not listed but the thinking you're being recorded is also a fairly common one as far as I'm away. There are more sources, that's just one I found.

I think you're already doing well describing your experience and putting it to words. To the doctor I would probably say something like: I am consistently struggling to connect to reality and have intense periods where I believe things that aren't in any way true (and give an example or two). It's severe enough that other people in my life notice and it stops me from being able to live normally. I also get intense distressing thoughts (give an example) I can't get rid of until I soothe them with repeatedly doing something (give an example), despite knowing those thoughts aren't rational.

The examples you've given are very helpful, so I'd also suggest including them when talking to the doctor. Another thing that could help is telling them that this isn't coming from you, but instead making sure they know someone else (in this case me) is aware you're looking into things and involved. Saying like "my friend suggested looking into OCD and psychosis, do you know anything about that?" can make doctors treat you more seriously because it's not just you and them. And because it's not you introducing the avenues to look into, it's me, so they're less likely to think you're overreacting.

None of this makes you seem weird or dumb, and I hope some of what I've said/linked can be of use. I'm not an expert, so these are just things to look into that have the potential to be useful or lead to something. I'd be more than willing to help further (look for resources, help you figure things out, etc), but I also don't know how much use I can be.

Either way, emotionally i am preparing a picnic as we sit in the grass :)

[tylerwritez]

I just want someone to love me. It never felt like you did. The toy car.... from McDonalds.

Oh god, it hurts me so badly. I cant remeber what I ate for breakfast, but I remeber that day and how I felt so deeply unloved, rejected... hated... by you.

I'm seein a doctor soon. It'll help. I need help. I feel sick. And later, i hurt myself even more trying to feel the love and acceptance I was denied. I wanted replacement parents for a while.... because I felt like I had tried and failed at doing this with you two already. And maybe I have. But its soemthing to accept.

Why? Why didnt you tell me the truth. I swear, if you just said you couldnt afford a gift, which was proabably the case, I wouldn't be upset! But I was a kid... I never felt like money was a big issue, so I assumed it was because you had forgotten and it was last minute, or because you didnt love me, or didnt love me enough... if you had told me the truth I would've felt okay. But i was so upset. I cried so loudly,,, as much as I tried to stifle my cries, I couldnt stop myself from making sound... and my mom was worried and I didnt want to say why I was sad because I ddint want yall to know... I knew even then that I was overreacting, and I didnt want to hurt your guyses feelings with my clear sickness. I didnt want dad to think that I was ungrateful or unthankful, or that I didnt appreciate him going out of his way to get me a present at all. I didnt want him to think I was being a brat... I didnt want him to cry like i was doing, because I knew that when you got a birthday present, you had to pretend to like it because if not the other person would be sad. And I didnt want him to be sad... I didnt want him to feel like he had tried so hard to make me happy and failed. I knew even then that you guys were trying so hard.

I knew even then that soemthing was wrong with me.

But I felt so unloved. Even after the apology, I couldnt shake the feeling that I was being stupid and childish,,, and I couldnt shake the other feeling... the feeling that I wasnt loved.

Obviously, I mustve been shown in other ways that I wasn't loved, for me to reach that conclusion and hold onto it so strongly... but it was subconscious... because logically, I knew in my brain that I was being a dickhead.

Now I find myself in a similar situation.

I wish you had just told me the truth about why you gave me a fake car... or spent fucking 4 bucks on a real branded toy car(?) I know that sounds rude but really, they arent that expensive. And for the amount of pain it caused me... the 4 bucks wasnt worth saving. I'm sorry. I'm being a dickhead again.

It's hard to be kind and considerate when you feel so deeply hurt.

The worst part isnt even that it upset me... it's that I felt the need to hide that I was crying and upset...

I guess I wasnt a dickhead after all... even after you had hurt me so deeply, even after I believe you stopped loving me, or secretly hated me... i still wanted to protect your feelings. I still gave you the benefit of the doubt and told myself I was being stupid. That makes me even sadder. Knowing that I, as a child, never had any bad intentions. I was just kinda fucked up.

Jude, I am so sorry. If nobody else will love you, I will. If nobody else will let you cry, I will.

Trust me that your feelings matter. You're so young and already youd rather suffer yourself than have someone else suffer.

You still loved him, even believing that he didnt love you. That's... that YOU, Jude.

I promise you I'll make you happy again. Whatever it takes, I'll make you happy. You matter to me. People should've told you this.

I love you.