#also: it's hilarious that sbs did All I Want for Christmas Is You two years in a row lol

[agemintherough]

Revisiting Chapters Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, and Thirty of Gems Without Measure; A Pirate’s Treasure

As part of the two year celebration of the story being written, I have realized that I must correct an oversight that I should have done months ago…namely doing one of these. Let’s rectify that, shall we?

1) The old “fighting and keeping score” bit is one that is somewhat common. I believe that the first place I came across the concept was in the fifth issue of Superman/Batman by Jeph Loeb and Ed McGinnis, when the Bat-Family and Superman Family break into the White House to confront President Lex Luthor. 2) Thus begins the idea that Peridot wants new limb enhancers or something that can aid her with helping her comrades…I wonder where this will go. 3) A LARGE majority of this chapter is taken wholesale from canon. When Oda wrote the various exposition bits, they were broken up with Franky’s flashback. As I can get somewhat away with merely describing the flashback, it just leaves a lot of exposition, which does benefit the audience who has never read One Piece before. 4) The moment where Robin rejects Peridot is a monumental moment is this part of the story. While Steven and Luffy are undoubtedly the main characters of the story as a whole, Peridot is the main focus of this part of the story. We have watched her transition from the selfish, pompous, Homeworld-indoctrinated Gem to a character who is finding her own sense of identity for the first time. Beyond Steven (who has given his trust to her from the beginning), Robin has formed an unlikely friendship with her. It is what makes the ironic echo of “Logic has no place on the Grand Line” so hard to hear…or read, I suppose. The question is how would she respond: accept it as reality, be betrayed by it, or fight to get Robin back… 5) Pearl naming every attack that she has after herself is comedy gold and completely in-line with her character. 6) Of course, Peridot’s faith in Robin is unwavering. Between her fight against Ratchet and saving Iceburg, Peridot is solidifying herself as being a valuable member of the crew. 7) Peridot’s claim of finishing twelve impossible tasks before the sun rises is inspired from a quote in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. 8) Robin feeling like she is being watched is supposed to be foreshadowing about Sanji watching over her.

9) The song Steven and the Marines are singing is reworked from “When A Felon’s Not Engaged In His Employment” from The Pirates of Penzance. It is not the first time that I have used music from this play nor will it be the last. 10) We know for a fact that, since he outfitted Steven with Seastone cuffs, Nero does not have Devil Fruit powers, but does Apollo?

11) So at this point, we know that both Apollo and Eirney Heca are members of CP9. As such, I can briefly explain just why they exist. They are around to bolster up CP9’s forces and are based off of Oda’s original conception of CP9, with Eirney being based on the original character design for Kalifa (the one that looks like a witch crossed with the Other Mother from Coraline) and Apollo being based on the original idea for what eventually became Kumadori, who was an ape-like human as opposed to an ape mink.

12) Mnemosurgery is taken from Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye by James Roberts. I’ll leave it to you to go on TFwiki to see just what that means before I give anything away…

13) Eirney has brought back the often used gag of Steven’s etiquette being brought up. This time, however, Eirney actually claims that Steven has nice etiquette, which makes the gag subverted.

14) Nero did not really have any personality in the original manga, so I’ve given him his own musical motif in addition to his overconfidence in himself.

15) Steven’s song is based on the “Lapis Lazuli” song. 

16) Captain T-Bone is a great Marine presence that I hope gets focused on again. He truly cares about his men to an exaggerated degree, which is fascinating. As such, his odd request to ask Steven to sing is not necessarily out of the ordinary… 17) We also learn that Eirney Heca is a legacy member of CP9…like Kalifa.

18) And now we have come to the biggest plot twist in this story after the inclusion of Uncle Grandpa: the glorious return of the Baroque Works Trio! For the life of me, I didn’t know just when or how I’d get these guys back into the main story for the longest time. I knew what they were doing on Backslide Island, but the question was mainly when would I bring them back. Initially, the suggestion that was thrown around was that they’d return with Franky after he spent their money, but that seemed like it was too sudden. This clicked together literally as I was writing the previous chapter and it all felt so organic that I couldn’t be more pleased. It helps that @cyanideoreo immortalized this moment in a drawing, which is like my favorite thing.

19) I pitched this section of the story as the alternative to the Miss Goldenweek cover story, which obviously couldn’t happen considering the status of the Baroque Works Trio and the MIA status of all of the Baroque Works characters that are not shipped to Impel Down. As such, it got boiled down to a few key events: the Trio ending up on the same island that Hina was on, Hina capturing Miss Valentine, and the other two saving her. My only regret is not including them eating Ice Cream cones, but it didn’t really fit the timeframe. I’ll give them some ice cream later on. 20) In addition to the above information, this flashback literally starts at the same point in canon when the original cover story began being published! 21) We learn that Genevieve does not like to drink, which makes sense given what we know. However, I did have to make a slight adjustment to the ending of “The Would-Be King” to make it clear that she was not drinking any alcohol. 22) O hai, new character! Florido Zuke is named, as with every new place and person introduced in this chapter, by two members of the Crewniverse: Hilary Florido and Lauren Zuke. Her personality was created by jmr46718 and ran by F*ckthesystem125. The rationale was that, as per Oda’s description in the SBS, Mr. 6’s partner was Miss Mother’s Day and it would be amusing to have a character looking like a child but is actually an adult. Think of Mary Dahl from Batman the Animated Series, but with an appearance similar to Janine Melnitz from Ghostbusters. I’d give her a voice similar to that of Jennifer Darling, who voiced Ayeka in Tenchi Muyo. 23) The Surasshu Restruant is named after Steven Velema aka the Surasshu half of Avi and Surasshu, the musical duo behind Steven Universe’s soundtrack. 24) Sherry was Petrea’s drink of choice all the way back in “The Rifting Stone.” There are several variations of sherry out there, but as an English teacher, I’d be remiss not to point out that one such variety is amontillado, the subject of my go-to Edgar Allan Poe story “The Cask Of Amontillado.” 25) I’m sure Treasure Tree Adam wood is not important at all…nope…

26) Mad Treasure is an anime-only character created for the Heart of Gold One Piece special, which was a tie-in to Film Gold. When he was suggested to be the guy for this part over a year ago, I had not seen Heart of Gold but thankfully, it is dubbed into English and is pretty great. 27) The Sugar Tavern is named after Rebecca Sugar, the creator of Steven Universe, and the Moilesee Farmer’s Market is named after Raven Moilesee, who actually liked my Tumblr post of that Peridot Christmas Cookie I made last year. 28) On one hand, the Baroque Works Trio being on an island that JUST HAPPENS to have an auction from Crocodile going on does seem contrived…but on the other hand, this is the world of One Piece where contrived connections happen all the time. 29) We now have the first inklings of Genevieve’s backstory! The book Genevieve is referring to is implied to come from the Oharan library, tying it into Robin’s backstory. We also get a glimpse at just how Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek met, although technically one would assume that Mr. 3 should not know her real name as per the rules of Baroque Works…but that doesn’t matter. 30) Deciding on whether to give Genevieve a Devil Fruit was one I had fought against for months until I was made aware of Psycho P’s Color-Color Fruit, which just seemed like a waste of an idea. Using that thought process as our young painter’s motivation, I now had a good reason why she would decide to eat it. 31) The person Damian and Petrea are partying with is, of course, Franky. 32) We finally get a simple explanation on why Damian has not been using his gun: he left it back at Beach City. I mean, think about it: why would he grab the gun just for a simple Davy Back Fight where that sort of weaponry would probably be outlawed, especially since his own body can be used as a weapon? 33) Lamar Levin is, of course, based on Lamar Abrams, the only member of he Crewniverse to have a hand in every major Onion episode (outside of Avi and Surasshu, I suppose) with former writer Ben Levin’s last name. 34) Mohs Island is named after the Mohs’ scale of mineral hardness…pay it no mind. 35) Originally it was suggested that Mad Treasure wanted the Golden Crown for Gild Teroso, the antagonist of One Piece Film Gold, but I figured it worked better as an adventure for a man like Mad Treasure than making him an errand boy.

36) Naomi Drunk and Psycho P are both from Heart of Gold as well…seriously, what odd names. 37) Phil’s boasting is taken from The Dark Knight Returns. 38) I’m sure the amount of money that Petrea haggled the Golden Crown for will go over just fine with Nami. 39) I’m not going to lie, I’d kill to have a cover story where Hina brings Jango and Fullbody to a karaoke bar. 40) The Quartey Auction House is named for Ian Jones-Quartey, a major presence on early Steven Universe and the creator of O.K. KO.

41)  Damian’s cork-gun is a nod to the 4kids dub where the guns were either Super Soakers, cork-guns, pointing fingers, or whatever the hell that hilarious hammer gun that Helmeppo used was.

42) Takafumi Liu (names for Takafumi Hori Of Studio Trigger and regular storyboard artist and musician Jeff Liu) description is taken word for word from the chapter in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Willy Wonka is first introduced. That is our first hint that he is a literal candy-man…but I highly doubt anyone picked up on that unless they read the “Shout Out” page on the story’s TVTrope page, which I have been updating. Along those same lines, the bit about “rhyme a riddle or two” is from the song “Strike That, Reverse It” from the 2013 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical. 43) Gasparde and the Candy-Candy Fruit are from One Piece Movie 4. While it was ambiguous about what happened to him at the end of the movie, I made it clear that he survived Luffy’s attack…before dying anyway. Again, contrived coincidences, but I digress… 44) “Victory Is In The Preparation” is Batman’s motto throughout the first third of Grant Morrison’s Batman run. 45) The buscarinon orange is named for Jackie Buscarino, a producer on Steven Universe and the voice actress for Vidalia. 46) I’m sure this Minister of Candy fellow is an upstanding individual. I wonder if we will ever meet him. 47) And so we get to the big moment: Genevieve eating a Devil Fruit. Now, one thing that I do that you might have picked up on is that occasionally when I write, I write from a third-person limited perspective focusing on one character’s thoughts. This is best viewed in “The Contrivance Factor” with Peridot’s scene and Onion’s scene. I used this with Greg when he got his Devil Fruit, true, but this gave me the ability to write Genevieve’s perception of color increasing and magnifying in ways that Greg couldn’t comprehend at the time in regards to music. It really made sense to look at it in this manner, as color has several different meanings than the singular attacks that Oda developed (which makes sense in a Shonen manga for attacks, but I felt could be expanded upon).

48) As nearly everybody picked up upon, Genevieve’s newest attack is a reference to the song “I’m the Music Meister” from Batman: The Brave and the Bold’s “Mayhem of the Music Meister.” If you have not watched that episode, do it. It’s an amazing musical. 49) Cadets Howard and Morris are named for writer and character designer Colin Howard and story board artist and supervisor Kat Morris. 50) Genevieve and Nami are both firmly on Team Conniverse. 51) Originally, I had Sanji’s section right after the opening, which made the “praying for a miracle” line transition much nicer as well as the joke that Sanji wrote a modest note for Nami. 52) There’s really not much to say about the Aqua Laguna landfall sequence. It gives the Gems purpose without feeling shoehorned in and builds the tension up for the end of the chapter. The most important piece is that Peridot is at the scrap yard getting a giant pile of scrap for future use. 53) Mr. 2 DID asked to be sent to Impel Down back in “The Fake King Of Alabasta.” 54) I am trying rather hard to drop subtle hints about Sanji’s past in his section without giving much away. I think that if you were not aware of it, it would not give anything away. 55) Peridot’s log date was chosen to show just WHEN she would have theoretically been taken from Earth with the extra numerical place being representative of time spent in another dimension.

56) “Nakama” has been a term I have been using since “The Unexpected Phone Call” as the way that the Straw Hats refer to each other. For those not in the know, “nakama” was used exclusively by Kaizoku Fansubs for the friendship the Straw Hats had for each other, with it coming to a head in Luffy’s Arlong Park declaration of friendship to Nami. They claimed the word couldn’t be translated into proper English, but “friends” and “crew mates” does the job just fine. As such, only older fans of One Piece really know or look fondly back at their persistence in translation. I decided to use it in the story in a very similar way: only pirates from the time of Roger used the term, meaning the two others who would use it are Whitebeard and Shiki.

58) I am totally channeling this famous line from Batman: The Animated Series for Sogeking’s Introduction: “I am vengeance! I am the night! I…AM…BATMAN!”

59) I know I primarily use the translated names for the majority of this story, but Sogeking is just so natural to me that I had to go with it.

With that, this section of commentary is done! Until the next time!

[junker-town]

NFL Dad, Week 16: Pay it forward

On Christmas, SB Nation’s RedZone diarist looks back on a season of football and parenting

Christmas is difficult, even if you like it. As the days grow shorter, the responsibilities mount. You need to buy more gifts than is financially responsible. Buy and decorate a tree. Purchase and send Christmas cards. Arrange travel during the most difficult season to travel. And if you’re a parent, there’s a whole other slew of things to be bought and baked and dropped off at school.

Perhaps you are the kind of person who buys gifts throughout the year, then labels and stores them in a logical place. Maybe you can come home after a long day of work and crank out 30 Christmas cards while listening to Bing Crosby. I am not that person. I abuse my Amazon Prime membership to get gifts delivered in time, and I still end up shopping on Christmas Eve, which is also when I wrap gifts. The holiday cards we send — kids smiling, bullet points about the family — inevitably get mailed in the days after Christmas. (They say “Happy New Year” for a reason.)

On Friday, my grandmother had a massive aneurysm near her heart. She survived surgery but lost a kidney; the doctors said that similar conditions are fatal 90% of the time, and of the 10% who survive, 90% never leave the hospital again.

And of course I hadn’t sent her card yet. I dashed off an attempt to be positive, commending her toughness through the ordeal, which wasn’t over. I dropped it in the mail, and she died 12 hours later.

She never met my kids, but that didn’t stop her from lavishing them with gifts on their birthdays and Christmas. I called infrequently and visited less. And because of who I am, a bullshit deadline artist who can’t work ahead of schedule, a nice old lady didn’t get to see a couple more pictures of her great-grandchildren before she died.

I woke up to the news on Christmas Eve morning. My wife asked if I needed a few minutes. “I think so?” I said, and she went to get the kids up. But they were attuned to my absence. My son caught a glimpse of me in the doorway, and he ran to me yelling, “DADDY! DADDY!” with my daughter in hot pursuit. I gathered them in my arms and told them that I loved them, and if they didn’t see my tears, it’s only because they don’t yet understand that I’m fallible, flawed.

I wept because I can never repay the love I’ve gotten. I wept because I can only pay it forward.

In lieu of play-by-play of Week 16 RedZone action, this week’s NFL Dad is a retrospective on the season so far.

Week 1: Tony Romo’s announcing debut

Football: Tony Romo in the announcing booth is “like breathing pure oxygen after YEARS of Phil Simms leaking carbon monoxide into my home.” Elsewhere, Tom Savage gets mauled by the Jags for six sacks in the first half, and Bill O’Brien accidentally discovers that Deshaun Watson is his franchise quarterback.

Parenting:

Quick story from the kids’ birthday party. One of the dads there had a thick orange cast on his hand. He was a bookish guy: slim, glasses, graying hair and gray beard neatly trimmed — a Brooklyn Dad like many other Brooklyn Dads. One of the other dads gestured to his cast and said, “What happened?”

He sighed. “I smashed it pretty bad at Burning Man.” A long pause, and none of us interrupted it. He added: “... as one does.”

Week 2: Sick kids and dog vomit

Football:

In Pittsburgh, Sam Bradford is a late scratch due to his knee rejecting last week’s touchdown implant. Case Keenum will start, and if I had a bookie I would put my salary on the Steelers today.

Parenting:

My daughter broke her clavicle last week. It’s a common injury for young children, not just Tony Romo. She fell out of a chair a few minutes before we had to leave for her second day of preschool, and I didn’t think it was a serious injury at the time. “We have to go! Can’t miss the second day of school!” was my thinking. I should be an NFL team doctor.

So she’s in a sling for Week 2 of the NFL season (and for the next four weeks) while my son happily toddles around the house. Just kidding! My son is battling a 102-degree fever and an ear infection. Ha HA! Let’s watch some football!

Week 3: Protests, Naps, and Guacamole

Football: The 0-2 Saints start doing wild stuff like playing defense in their win over the Panthers; the insane ending to first half of Steelers-Bears deserves revisiting; Deshaun Watson’s brilliance isn’t enough to overcome the Pats in New England; the Eagles need a 61-yard field goal at the end of the game to beat the Giants.

Parenting:

My son’s other obsession tonight — besides smashing his face into the couch — is the hokey-pokey. He’s no good at putting his hand in and shaking it all about, but he DOMINATES at turning around. He spins around in circles until he careens left and crashes into the credenza. He thinks it’s hilarious. He is correct.

Week 4: Disney Princesses are a scourge

Football: Antonio Brown gets angry and flips a Gatorade cooler; the Dolphins get shut out in London while Jay Cutler’s no-effort Wildcat play goes viral; Dalvin Cook’s season ends with an ACL tear; the Jets beat the Jaguars in overtime; the Bucs defense is so bad that Eli Manning scores on a 14-yard scramble.

Parenting:

With the exception of Moana and maybe Frozen, the rest of the Disney princesses are a scourge on parenthood. The Disney Princess Industrial Complex essentially operates like the anti-vaccine movement. No matter how many parents want to raise their daughters to be action-oriented, independent problem solvers, there’s always a nanny or a grandmother who’s pushing Sleeping Beauty or Snow White (which are the SAME DAMN STORY), and that shit spreads like the plague.

And regardless of your feelings on feminism, the message isn’t a great one to send your kids. “Got a problem? Just go to sleep and someone will take care of it.” That only works if your dad owns an NFL team.

Week 5: Apple picking season

Football: Myles Garrett gets a sack on his first NFL snap; the Browns finally get their first lead of the season (it doesn’t last); Ben Roethlisberger throws five INTs, including consecutive pick-sixes, in a blowout to the visiting Jags; Odell Beckham suffers a season-ending injury; HOOOOO-WEEEEE look at this Cassel-Cutler shootout at the half.

Matt Ufford

Parenting:

My son is up from his nap. He sleepily staggers over and throws his arms around me in a big hug. I know that doesn’t really pop off the screen as anything special, but trust me when I say my brain is FLOODED with dopamine from his carefree smile and chubby arms.

This is the bone that human biology throws to parents. “Oh, is every day with a young child the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced? FINE, bathe in the warmth of infinite love.” And all of us stupid parents are like, “Oh, yeah, that’s good. This is worth surrendering my house to childproofing measures and chiming plastic bullshit.”

Week 6: Daughter’s birthday party; Aaron Rodgers injured

Football:

The Falcons were 11.5-point favorites at home, and they lost to Jay Cutler. Gonna have to fumigate the whole stadium after that one.

Parenting:

My daughter runs into the room wearing a pink cape. She eats a tortilla chip that my son discarded on the couch. “I’m a superhero!” she says.

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask.

“HMMMMM.” She has obviously not done the groundwork on her origin story.

“Are you the Pink Crusader?”

“Yeah!” She runs out of the room, then runs back in. “I’m a superhero!”

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask again.

She yells, “The Pink Crusader!” Again, she runs out of the room.

She runs back in and stops in front of me. She casually leans an arm on the couch and says, “I’m the Pink Crusader.”

Week 7: Pumpkin flavored everything

Football:

The Bears earned zero first downs in the second half and became the first NFL team to win with fewer than five completed passes since ... the last time John Fox coached in the NFL. I’d rather have a block of cement coach my team.

Also, Joe Thomas tears his triceps :(

Parenting:

My sister had kids years before I did, and I was the typical ignorant drunk uncle when it came to her devotion to the kids’ naps and schedule. “What’s with the schedule? Why can’t the kids just power through this one time?” Because the schedule is GOD, man! The schedule is all powerful. It is the weather; it is the earth beneath your feet. Reject it and your life will be untethered from reality, a nonstop maelstrom of tears and tantrums.

Week 8: Halloween is my daughter’s Super Bowl

Football:

The Texans-Seahawks barnburner owns the late afternoon games. And while Deshaun Watson and Russell Wilson will rightly be remembered as the stars of the game, I’d like to point out that at one point Pete Carroll challenged a Wilson incomplete pass, claiming it was a fumble. The challenge was successful, and the fumble forward was good for a first down. That game was WILD.

Parenting:

MIRACLE: Both of my kids are eating their dinner without complaint or hesitation. They ignore the TV to pay attention to the Halloween book my wife is reading. Years from now, when their grade school teacher praises their attention spans, I’m gonna get up in the middle of the parent-teacher conference and do Mick Jagger’s rooster strut.

Week 9: Daylight Savings and Football Fights

Football: Julio Jones drops a wide-open touchdown in the end zone on 4th down; Tyreke Hill scores on an end-of-half Hail Mary that was 40-plus yards short of the end zone (the Alex Smith special); A.J. Green and Jaelen Ramsey are both ejected after Ramsey provokes the normally calm Green into an MMA takedown.

Parenting:

I want to make it clear that when your 18-month-old child usually naps for 2-3 hours in the afternoon, then circumvents that with a 25-minute doze before noon, you don’t just have an awake kid instead of a sleeping kid. You have a walking tire fire instead of two hours of silence. I will run for office and/or lead a revolution to eliminate seasonal clock changes.

Also, this memory would be lost forever if not for this dumb column:

[My daughter] brings over a small bowl of cashews, climbs onto the couch, and sits next to me. I say, “Oh, you brought me cashews!” as I take one, because Stock Dad is the role I was born to play. But then she feeds me a cashew, so I feed her one. And we go on that way until the bowl is empty. There’s football on TV, I guess.

Week 10: Poop. Poop everywhere.

Football: In the fantasy crime of the year, the Saints score six touchdowns on the ground while Drew Brees throws for none; rampant stupidity at the end of Chargers-Jaguars leads to overtime; John Fox challenges his team having 1st and goal at the 2, resulting in a Bears turnover. Coaching Move of the Year.

Parenting:

It’s weird the different stages kids can be at despite being similar sizes. My daughter, at age 3, is capable of having a conversation and expressing her feelings with words. My son, 18 months, understands everything we say, but is less a human than an organic chaos engine. The kid does forward-facing trust falls off stairs.

Week 11: National Interception Day

Football: Jay Cutler throws three interceptions in the first half, Alex Smith throws two against the Giants (including one on a shovel pass), Shane Vereen and Travis Kelce both throw picks on trick plays, and Nathan Peterman tosses FIVE on 14 passing attempts in a single half against the Chargers. Also, this Brock Osweiler interception is my favorite play of the year:

PICK-6-OHHH NO! Dre Kirkpatrick nearly has a 101-yard PICK-6... But fumbles inside the 5. Wow. #CINvsDEN http://pic.twitter.com/zUyPI5Q0xZ

— NFL (@NFL) November 19, 2017

Parenting:

My daughter is 3 years old and has still never seen Moana (or any movie), but frequent exposure to the soundtrack and a couple of plot points — “Moana has to save her people” — gives my daughter enough information to guide her body language, and we can see it in the way she play-acts.

When she’s Cinderella, I have to pretend to put a gown on her, and we dance together at the ball. When she’s Rapunzel, she flips her hair around; Ariel, and she holds up a scarf as a bikini. But when she’s Moana, she throws her shoulders back, struts with purpose, and thrusts her fist into the air — something she’d only previously done when saying, “I’m Batman!”

Week 12: Things fall apart

Football: Alex Smith implodes (again); Julio Jones destroys the Bucs; Broncos-Raiders is barely underway before the main event, Crabtree-Talib II: The Re-Snatchening.

Parenting:

I’m familiar with the schools of thought that say you shouldn’t incentivize potty training, and that’s how we started off, too. Then my daughter started holding in poops for several days before struggling to crank out the hardened rock in her butt, and we implemented a multi-tiered system of bribes that would put FIFA to shame.

Week 13: Christmas season!

Football: Tom Brady yells at Josh McDaniels; Eli Manning’s ironman streak is snapped by McAdoo-induced self-benching; the Jets-Chiefs shootout ends in Marcus Peters throwing a referee’s flag into the stands.

Parenting:

The kids play Ring Around the Rosie, and at the end of the song, only my daughter falls down. She looks at me from her back. “I just scored a touchdown.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask.

“I’m the Seahawks!”

My wife cuts in. “If you were the Seahawks, you wouldn’t get in the end zone so easily.” HARSH, WOMAN.

Week 14: SNOWBALL!

Football: LeSean McCoy carries the Bills to an overtime win over the Colts in a blizzard; Cam Newton single-handedly defeats the Vikings; the Browns choke away a two-touchdown lead against Brett Hundley’s Packers to keep their winless record intact; the Eagles-Rams heavyweight bout lives up to its billing, but Carson Wentz is lost to a torn ACL.

Parenting:

Before I had kids, diapers were the thing I feared most about parenthood. Which is stupid, because the thing you end up fearing most in the entire world is your own mortality. Diapers are fine.

That said, I just changed a diaper filled with the scent of death and campaign promises.

Week 15: Get used to disappointment

Football: Aaron Rodgers returns to save the Packers’ season, but the Panthers win to kill their dreams; Nick Foles coolly throws four touchdowns in his first start in relief of Wentz; catch rule shenanigans continue, with the ending of Patriots-Steelers the most pear-shaped; Teddy Bridgewater retakes the field to throw an interception.

Parenting:

Two- and 3-year-old kids have moods like the weather: Sometimes a thunderstorm hits, and there’s not much you can do but hole up and wait for it to pass. Eventually, the sun breaks through like nothing happened. As a parent, you feel your child owes you an explanation or apology for the 30 minutes you just lost, but you’ll get none. The weather has changed. You may as well shout at the sky, demand an explanation from the passing clouds.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Thank you for dealing with me and my kids this season. NFL Dad will be back with an especially loaded Week 17 edition next week.