#also weirdly i didn't have the feeling all day that i'd go back to uni afterwards

[sparkly-skies]

IT WAS SO GOOD I love him and his silly jokes that make me laugh and how HAPPY he looks when the crowd sings back and how he tells everyone to behave themselves and be nice and jokes around with his crew and DID I MENTION HOW GODDAMN HAPPY HE LOOKS ALL THE TIME

Anyway anyone who has the chance to see him live should, even if you don't know anything else but CCC, the show he puts on is so GOOD it more than makes up for not knowing many songs

💚💚💖💖💜💜

[kachinnate]

We would love to hear more about this fic idea simmering in your brain! Living for it tbh

..👉👈 well,

obvs spoilers below but also tw for suicidal thoughts/behaviors/successful attempt, car accident death, substance/alcohol abuse

SO. i'll explain it first in the context of evan being the protag just because when i first conceived this idea on a random weekend trip back home like three weeks ago That's who i envisioned as being the story's narrator

so.. right off the bat it opens kinda horrible kinda upsetting, evan hansen 17 or 18 yrs old is driving Somewhere late at night. on a seemingly empty road, someone suddenly jumps in front of his car and is p much immediately killed on impact. the person, connor murphy, had a history of attempts before this and it's deemed a suicide so naturally evan is not in trouble, but luckily for him he does not need to be charged with vehicular manslaughter in order to be a bit Extremely Traumatized and Unwilling to operate a Car again

we have quite a bit of a time skip then -- i'm thinking like.. 4-5ish years (i can't decide what any character's Hard occupation is yet or if any/everyone went to uni but for intensive purposes im gonna say whoever the protag is either didn't go to college or did not do Great in college) -- evan and jared are Closer than they had been in high school but there's still a similar dynamic; there's enough trust there though that they're at least roommates now. it's not nearly as fresh now and doesn't necessarily Haunt him as badly, but evan still refuses to drive, and he's like.. clearly in a melancholic sort of [stuck] sort of state of mind/being, sorta aimless, yk yk. sort of transitions from a [does anybody see me :'/] mantra to a [no one Needs to/Should see me]

in some sort of String Of Events, he suddenly keeps running into one zoe murphy, who spoiler alert is also in a Weird Place about her brother's death and similarly to evan hasn't truly reached some sort of closure either but at the same time it is not clearly Affecting her on a day to day basis anymore as his death was 4-5 Years ago, however something about seeing her / continuing to run into her makes evan really unwell -- especially because she's like, a decent person towards him... in his mind he feels like even Now she should resent him and hate him and not be weirdly kind / mildly indifferent to his existence - eventually he probably even Tells this to her, and is only made more distraught by her saying some sentiment of (especially if like she hasn't made really a lot of effort at All to process her brother's death) that she didn't like or wasn't close to connor / hated him when he was around, which like. something something evan having a "still???? i Killed him ?????? and also he was your Brother ??????" it's distressing at all for evan to learn more about connor than he already knows, tbd if he tries and learns more about him in the wake of his death when he's 17 but i'm gonna go with that he Doesn't just so the idea of connor being a Person with Attributes like unsettles and upsets an evan who has not properly processed any of this Later

the entirety of the story though i would want to be like... hm not like slice of life sdgnjksgd but a lot of evan's issues aren't going to be just drowning in guilt over connor cuz.. again it was a Long Time ago but more so he's dealing with the long standing damages to his own person that happened Because Of That -- i'd imagine a lot of things are upsetting and complicated, like whatever job he's in rn might not be going great and he's not able to date really due to his lack of desire in being Perceived, he cannot Drive and it's at best annoying and inconvenient for him maybe bc he can't go home and see his mom ever bc of it, at worst it's daunting and sort of damning in the sense that he's never going to be normal because of this '''mistake'''' he made years ago , his and jared's relationship is complicated to a fault and probably results in interesting arguments (something to be said about maybe jared actually sort of grew up while evan did Not and the dynamics that has), zoe keeps showing up and maybe eventually starts actually trying to be evan's friend and it's distressing and confusing but evan thinks he wants it maybe also thinks he doesn't deserve it, wants to understand her, kind of also wants to sever himself from everything related to connor in an attempt to free himself from all the Everything that seems to be related to it even if it's Not and even if it's become so accidentally engrained into who he became as a person bc he never fully Healed that it's impossible to separate himself from it all yk yk yk

skip this para for idk Big spoilers idk how the story would conclude but in any vers i think at least that the/a climactic bit would probably be an eventual admittance to what the protag was doing the night they hit connor, which.. :'') i think would be extremely tragic if they were going somewhere to have an Attempt of their own! and they never talked about that and that's also a huge part of the guilt and the being stuck and the everything.. because like! maybe they can't bring themselves to try again because look what happened the last time, they killed someone! so they're just stuck living an unhappy life when they'd rather be dead and none of what's going on in their life currently is planned or accounted for and [thrashes n kicks]

SWITCHING GEARS, a jared version [tm] would be similar if not shifted slightly. he still hits connor, he still feels the same [augh] feelings. i think something unique to him though is that his guise in high school set him up for oh i'm Achieving Big Things being someone Great and Successful only for him to have this extreme change in who he Is, and even then he's still sort of swarmy and he tries to be the loveable asshole but it just is always falling short and - evan as the roommate here - is always sort of just like [cringing wincing] at his display bc he really knows that jared isn't right and hasn't been right in so long but he has no idea how to help him because and i think for him it'd be more like a refusal to process things and accept that he wasn't at fault and that no one should hate him despite him playfully 'joking' that they should. for jared specifically i hc that he lowkey does have issues with alcohol As A Kid, so naturally as an adult with this sorta thing on his shoulders he drinks a lot more, maybe as things are getting Worse and eventually hit a certain point he has an alcohol poisoning moment and evan really has to have a leveling moment with him like "Dude." ;_; GOD AND ALSO HIM NOT WANTING TO DRIVE.... i don't know if he'd still make himself do it or not, but the idea of evan driving and jared not because of the guilt makes me ache especially if it was a thing in high school that evan was the lesser confident driver out of the two of them.... just in general i think evan's opinion of jared matters to jared much more than he'd like to admit and that also probably leads to arguments in its own right....

the zoe stuff would still happen too bc jared and zoe friendship rights but jared's distress towards how she's acting would be more angry and kinda confused compared to evan's just disbelieved distress -- evan's eventual greeting to zoe being like "how do we keep running into each other like this" while jared's is probably like "dude Leave me alone if you're trying to get at me in some weird way just Stop" (which could lend to some Great comparisons from zoe on how jared's being stupid.. and jumping to worst conclusions... like someone she used to know........)

( for whatever reason i do have specific career thoughts for jared being like a teacher's aide or a student teacher of some sort, thinks about him slacking off or getting worse mentally and then getting fired... which could again be sort of the beginning to what leads to that scene of him hitting rock bottom maybe getting alcohol poisoning somewhere down the line ;_;;; )

i didn't add romance in omissions for the obvious reasons of like i didn't think it Fit -- it's not a huge priority to me here either but idk i do think kleinsen or zoevan could be a thing in either??

like AUGH zoevan in the evan version would be a whole thing because evan certainly has a complex of [i can't date the guy i killed's FUCKING SISTER EVEN IF SHE'S OKAY WITH IT???] and zoevan in the jared version probably is so upsetting to JARED because in the background his best friend somehow got close to and is fucking dating the sister of the GUY HE KILLED and it feels like evan's being insensitive to his situation when he's not and jared really just feels like the universe is fucking picking on him bc holy shit what the hell of COURSE this series of events would happen to HIM of all people !

kleinsen on the other hand i think would fit better with Jared as the protag -- in the evan version it could certainly be a thing but it would not be like having dedicated chapters of it, it'd probably be like a thing that slowly progressed over the course of the Ending showing that the two of them get closer once evan's sort of Calmed down and settled back into himself maybe told jared the truth about [stuff mentioned in spoiler para], in the jare version it could be a thing that he's liked evan the whole time it just got obscured by everything with connor, and he's not able to proccess that until things start getting better for him too but he can sort of feel it in the way that evan very unconditionally is caring about him even when he's This Way and is trying to push him out of this rut that he's in.... evan's been there the entire goddamn time.........

thrashes and kicks im not sure if i explained well but Those are the sort of pieces of ideas ive been playing with - they're incomplete and obviously not everything has been decided for even a Hypothetical Entire Outline of a fic but [flops]

[starryknightace]

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈