#also this isn't suuuper coherent but w/e i did this instead of homework

[waveridden]

FIC: if i didn’t, darlin’

Parker has a crush. Steven suggests speed dating. It doesn’t work out the way it’s supposed to. Parker/Cib, vague Steven/James, 1.6k

AUcember || title lyric

#

Steve slides into the chair across from Parker and steeples his fingers. “Okay, so you might’ve been right.”

“About this being a terrible idea?”

“It’s not-”

Parker doesn’t even have to say anything, because Steve’s entire face scrunches up, like it’s reacting even though he’s trying not to react. “Steve?”

“What?”

“I don’t want to date you.”

“This is still good for you, though,” Steve insists. “This is going to be great!”

“Why?”

“Because you’re getting back out there!” Steve gestures to the rest of the room they’re in, where all the other speed-daters are going on their speed dates. “Look at all these fish in the sea. You gotta get out of your fishbowl.”

“I don’t think fish can just jump out of bowls.”

“Then let me be your fisherman.”

Parker makes a face. “I don’t like this metaphor.”

He actually doesn’t like the entire situation, which Steve knows full well. It’s a combination of a few dumb accidents, namely Parker getting a crush on Cib and then making the mistake of telling Steve about it. Steve had reacted very… Steve-ishly, which is to say, he immediately signed Parker up for speed dating. And then he told Cib that Parker was going speed dating, and Cib had reacted very Cib-ishly, which is to say, he signed up and made Steve sign up too.

So here Parker is, on a speed-date with one of his best friends, with one of his other best friends on a date two tables down from him. It constantly feels like Cib is looking over at him, which is definitely in Parker’s head, because Cib wouldn’t look at him. Or would he? It’s impossible to say.

And the point of all this is, Steve is a bad fisherman. Steve is a bad fisherman who doesn’t know how to handle anything, so he shakes his head at Parker and says “It’s not about the metaphor,” like the metaphor is the most important part of all this.

Parker decides to let it slide. “Am I also a fish in this metaphor?”

“Of course you are, what else could you be?”

“Squid,” Parker says immediately.

Steve wrinkles his nose. “Why?”

“Because of the-” Parker makes a motion with his hand that hopefully indicates tentacles. “You know?”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It’s-”

Steve lifts a hand. “No, I don’t want to know.”

Parker takes the opportunity to look over at Cib, because he might as well, only he’s pretty sure it’s a mistake. Cib seems like he’s getting along with the girl he’s talking with, and he’s not looking at Parker, why would he look at Parker?

“My point,” Steve says forcefully, “is you keep sitting here looking like a sad sack, I’m not meeting anyone, and the only one having a good time is Cib. And that’s just because he has a good time wherever he goes, it’s not even because of where we are.”

“We could leave,” Parker offers. “That has to happen, right? A couple of people hit it off and leave early.”

Steve shudders, full-bodied. “No, okay, you’re staying and meeting people and not pretending that we’re going to sneak off and bang.”

“I didn’t-”

“This is going to be good for you,” Steven says, with the weird earnestness that he always gets with bad ideas. But Parker shuts up and listens anyways. “This next girl looks cool, okay? Get along with her. Show her your big eyes, or whatever.”

The buzzer goes off, and Steve gets to his feet. Parker stares up at him. “But- what if-”

“Just try,” Steve says forcefully, and moves on.

Parker goes down to where he wrote Steve’s name on his date and carefully circles NO. When he looks back up, there’s a girl with long hair and sharp eyes settling in across from him. Parker swallows. She’s really, really pretty.

“Hey,” the girl says. “I’m Autumn.”

Parker writes Autumn’s name down on his sheet and clears his throat. “I, uh, I’m Parker.”

“Cool,” Autumn says. “Listen, I’m gonna be honest, I’m only here because one of my friends dragged me over because he didn’t want to go alone, and I already met someone who I’m super interested in. So I’m just here because I have to be at this point.”

“That’s okay,” Parker says, even though his chest kind of feels like a popped balloon. “Who, uh, who’s your friend?”

Autumn points at the guy sitting next to Parker, across from Steve. “That one.”

Parker looks the guy up and down. Steve looks like he’s really getting into the conversation, and the guy with dark hair and glasses looks like he’s just as into it. “He, uh. He’s not my type.”

“You’re probably not his,” Autumn says, not unkindly. “Anyways, I don’t really… like small talk.”

“Me neither,” Parker admits.

“Then why are you at speed-dating?”

“Aw, my friend dragged me here.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s trying to get me past being mildly in love with one of his best friends,” Parker says, because honesty is the best policy. Even with strangers.

Autumn nods. “Well, hopefully this next dude helps.”

Parker winces. “That’s the best friend.”

“Oh.” Autumn looks over at Cib. Parker does too, because he has no self control, but he looks away as soon as Cib starts turning. “I mean, good luck, I guess?”

“Thanks,” Parker says. “Hey, is it okay if I mark yes for you just so I don’t look like I’m pathetic and only want to go out with one person?”

“Sure,” Autumn says. “Can I do the same? Not because I like you or anything.”

“Of course,” Parker says quickly. And he actually means it, but Autumn flashes this tiny smile like she’s sort of laughing at him, and he’s pretty sure that she was joking.

The buzzer sounds, and Autumn stands up. “I’ll see you around, I guess. I’ve gotta go speed-date my best friend.”

“Have fun,” Parker calls after her, and circles the YES on his sheet, and writes down Cib’s name on the next line. He looks up just as Cib crashes into the seat across from him, and every single muscle in his body turns to lead at once. He tries to take a deep breath, to say hi or hey or maybe sorry in advance about whatever dumb thing I’m going to say.

But instead Cib slaps both his hands on the table, staring at Parker intently, and says, “Fuck, marry, kill, Obama, Colbert, Trudeau, go.”

“Kill Trudeau,” Parker says automatically, and then, “have you been- is this how you start all the conversations?”

“Parker,” Cib says impatiently. “Would you or would you not fuck Barack Obama?”

“I’d marry him, but only if he got divorced first,” Parker says, and Cib relaxes immediately. “Was that a test?”

“Yeah, but I knew you’d pass.” Cib grins, and Parker’s heart does that dumb fluttery thing it always does when he’s faced with the full force of Cib’s smile. “This whole speed dating thing is fun.”

“It’s okay,” Parker says cautiously. “I kind of prefer normal dating.”

“Dude, me too!”

“Then why did you sign up?”

“Uh, why did you sign up?”

“Steve signed me up,” Parker says, which, okay, Steven said he shouldn’t mention that part, but it’s Cib. He couldn’t not mention it. “It’s- it’s stupid, you know, what are the odds that you’re going to meet someone who wants to ask you on a date?”

Cib blinks a couple of times. “What if I wanted to ask you on a date?”

“Ha,” Parker says weakly, to hide the fact that his heart has started doing some kind of scary acrobatic tricks inside his chest. “That’s- you would do it not here, wouldn’t- why did you say that?”

“You said you’d kill Trudeau,” Cib says, but he’s staring at Parker with this weird, intense look. He smiles, not that it changes the way he’s piercing through Parker with his eyes. “You passed the test, you get one free date.”

“But that’s-” Parker forces himself to swallow and start over. “Only if you want to.”

“Well, yeah,” Cib says, like it should be obvious. “I already picked yes on the sheet, didn’t you?”

“I was going to,” Parker says, all spilling out in a rush of words, because it’s Cib, and he can’t not tell him. “But- you- I didn’t-”

“You like me, I like you.” Cib shrugs. “Wanna grab dinner sometime?”

The buzzer sounds.

“Yes,” Parker says quickly, because even if this is some kind of mean joke, he can’t lie to Cib. “Yeah, that’d… that’d be nice.”

Cib doesn’t get up. “You didn’t pick yes yet.”

“What?”

“You gotta pick yes,” Cib says. “On the paper.”

Parker looks down and carefully, deliberately, draws a circle around the YES. “Good?”

Cib leans over, squinting at Parker’s paper. “Who the fuck is this other yes? Do I need to fight her?”

“No, she said she-”

“I’ll fight for your honor,” Cib says seriously. “Or mine, whichever one she’s slighting. Bet she can’t do vape tricks.”

“You can barely do vape tricks,” Parker points out. He’s seen Cib practice vape tricks countless times, and he’s not that good at it.

Cib just grins and gets to his feet. “Yeah, but you watch me anyways.”

“Yeah,” Parker says, and Cib flashes him one last bright smile before going to Autumn’s friend. Parker watches him go and meets eyes with Autumn, now at the next table, who tilts her head curiously.

Parker nods, carefully, and Autumn nods back before turning away. And yeah, Parker’s going to have to shut down the next four or five nice people who want dates, but he might be okay with that, if it means a date with Cib.

Maybe, he thinks, Steve was right about this whole speed-dating thing.