#also there's a lot of drama left on the table by ignoring 'wealth management'

[grassangel]

One of the things that annoys me about billionaire romance/power fantasy books, as a lower-middle class kid who had the fortune to go to semi-private Montessori schools and thus knew upper class kids and is fortunate enough to have inherited some wealth from my deceased dad, is the lack of visible infrastructure to maintain or increase that wealth.

Like yeah, most of it will be invisible or done by people hired by the protagonist but only sometimes will there be a mention of a financial advisor such as an account or bank manager. (Both of which by the way, are not what people with millions of dollars would use as financial advisers. At least not solely.) Wealth management as a service like legal advice, security, household staff (ie cleaning, cooking, landscaping & household maintenance), personal assistance (ie secretarial, health, exercise & nutrition; hair, makeup & clothing) and public relations, where a whole team is involved, is rarely if ever mentioned. There's almost certainly no active management mentioned, just what's in the bank and maybe whatever investments in stocks, businesses and properties a character owns. There aren't discussions about seeking higher returns through private equity or claiming a loss on devaluation of an asset purposefully bought to lower their income (on paper) for tax purposes. There aren't characters talking about how they'll vote at the annual meeting for shares held in direct ownership because they want a board member ousted, or directing their custodian to vote that way. No discussions about the tax rates of investments held in trusts vs held by shell corporations vs held in their name, nor the privacy benefits of the first two.

I know billionaire romances are just fantasy and most people don't care about the economics of wealth, just the projected image of it.

But I think it is morally correct for such authors to do at least a little research into the wealth management of the rich by reading articles like this Financial Times one, and rip away the curtain a little bit to show their readers how billionaires actually obtain their high scores in money. Because it's definitely not through hard work.

[shesclearlya3]

Class Fight (p.1)

pairing: teen!dandy mott x teen!reader

word count: 3,303

warnings: language, jealous dandy, slightly au!dandy, all characters are 18

part 2 part 3

1.

It was the first semester of your Senior year. The first month of school had flown by, and the Fall dance was just a few weeks away. Your small group of girlfriends was anxiously awaiting for their crushes to ask them.

You weren’t particularly concerned with this. The dance fell on the one Saturday of the month where you had to accompany your mother to some stupid Tupperware party. It was the newest trend in American dining, and your mother needed you as her plus one. It wouldn’t hurt to miss one dance… right?

Your best friends Winter and Zoe were excited, but they were devastated you couldn’t come. You always went with them as a trio.

“Are you sure you couldn’t cancel?” Winter asked while you washed your hands in the bathroom sink. The school day was over, and you planned on accompanying her to the diner for greasy food and to catch up on homework.

“I already promised her weeks ago,” you said, drying your hands. “There’s still prom?”

Winter nodded in understanding, and you both knew it was the end of that discussion. Zoe came out of the stall, her face flushed and hair tied back. She looked clammy.

“You alright in there?” Winter asked her as Zoe took a disposable cup and drank some water.

“Kyle asked me to the dance!” Zoe replied breathlessly. You and Winter both congratulated her, and Winter asked why she looked so sick.

“I just got overwhelmed, you know? He came up and asked me right as I put my books away. I didn’t think he was going too, he never brought it up before-.”

You followed them out as Zoe recanted the story of how Kyle asked her. The halls were mostly cleared now as kids scrambled to leave as soon as possible.

“You’re riding with us, right?” Zoe then asked you, raising a neat eyebrow at you.

“Yes, Dandy probably left already.”

The girls both smirked to themselves, but you ignored it. You were used to it by now.

The thing was, Dandy Mott was the best looking guy in school, in your opinion. You had never attended a public school in your life, but you knew those boys could never compare. Dandy was from the wealthiest family in your private district, and with his looks, girls were all over him.

However, he was quite the character. 

Dandy didn’t necessarily associate with a particular group of kids. He was reticent and didn’t bother with any clubs, but he was quite attuned to the drama program. He was also known for his temper if things didn’t go his way, but age matured him, mostly. You were one of the few people who he actually gave a damn about in life. You attributed that to knowing him before school. Your grandfather was a business partner with the Mott family, where your family name found their wealth, and how you two were friends.

You weren’t bothered by the unwanted attention you got from girls attempting to weasel their way into your circle for the chance to talk to Dandy. Most of them gave up quickly, and that was that. Plus, you had Winter and Zoe as your protectors. They weren’t afraid to kick a bitch in the vagina if they overstepped the clear boundaries you had set for yourself. Dandy trusted you, and you weren’t about to fuck that up.

Plus, his mother, Gloria, was continually trying to set him up with girls in other parts of town. 

You climbed into Zoe’s new car, buckling your seatbelt and glancing across the almost deserted parking lot. You spotted him instantly, sitting in his car and staring right back. You slowly raised your hand, giving him a wave. Dandy slowly reciprocated the action, and you swore you saw him smile.

You spent the evening with the girls, eating dinner and trying to explain the symbolism in the required reading in English. The football team had finished their practice and were crowding what few booths and tables were left. You tried to block out their raucous laughter, loudly asking Zoe to read your theory to see if it were plausible. 

Winter had noticed the Quarterback, Jason, occasionally staring at you as he chewed his burger. Your back was to him, so you had no idea. She didn’t say anything, instead watching him from the corner of her eye, figuring he wouldn’t approach your table. 

“I just think it only makes sense to me,” you told Zoe, scratching your head. “I can’t concentrate with the boys screaming for no reason.”

“I think it makes perfect sense. You did misspell authority, though…”

You laughed to yourself, glancing around the diner as Zoe fixed your spelling. You were so distracted, you misspelled simple words. 

“We should get ready and go, it’s getting stuffy in here…” Winter commented, closing her English book. 

“Just a moment!” Zoe said excitedly, scribbling down in her own notebook now.

You had started gathering your things when both Zoe and Madison looked behind you, looking a mix of concern and amusement. You glanced behind you to see Jason Dean, smiling down at you. His dark hair covered his eyes, and he pushed it back.

You had no idea what to say. The last conversation you had with Jason was probably in fifth grade when he commented that women were weak while helping you carry boxes of school supplies, and you accidentally dropped a massive box of markers on his foot. He cried for an hour. 

“y/n,” he addressed you. You glanced at your friends who were eagerly watching you with their faces hidden behind their textbooks. Winter’s was upside down.

“Hi, Jason,” you responded, hearing the confusion in your voice. You listened to his friends giggling behind you, and you wondered if this was a joke. 

“I haven’t seen you in a minute,” he said cheekily, and you nodded. “You look good.”

You quickly looked him up and down. Jason was muscular but not bulky, and he was definitely a whole foot taller than you. He grew into his facial features, and he was a handsome guy. You assumed he was just talking to you on a dare, so you finished putting your things in your bag. Zoe and Winter didn’t budge, still pretending to read their books.

Jason realized you were dumbfounded at his statement. He quickly backtracked, “I just wanted to say hi. I’ll see you around.”

You bid him farewell, turning to your friends who were having a hard time concealing their laughter. You heard Jason’s best friend, Matthew, call him an idiot and what sounded like a smack on the back.

“y/n, you have a boyfriend?” Zoe asked, smirking at you.

You glared, standing up as they shouldered their bags and grabbed their books. “You know perfectly well I don’t speak to him.”

“I bet he wants to ask you to the dance.” Winter grinned at Zoe, who nodded in agreement as you stepped into the cold autumn air. 

“I’m not going either way.” you mumbled, and the girls dropped it until the next morning. 

2.

You didn’t think it was that big of a deal that the Quarterback tried to talk to you at the diner a few nights before. All the students who were present spread gossip like wildfire. You ignored it. You knew they were just children speculating what it could mean when it probably meant nothing. 

Zoe and Winter never brought it up again, and you were relieved that your friends didn’t dwell on it for too long. You loved that about them. 

It was after lunchtime when you sat in your History course, going over the notes for the test. You heard Jason and a few of his friends pile in, laughing and making comments under their breath. They took their designated seats in the back, and you felt eyes on the back of your head. 

A group of popular girls across the room started to giggle, and you glanced up to see Dandy walk in, his nose up and sauntering to the seat directly behind you. You wondered why he didn’t acknowledge you, but you didn’t dwell on it long. Dandy was often absent from any social interaction. 

Your teacher began the class the moment the bell rang. She decided to go over the notes an extra day and postponed the test. You were mildly disappointed but knew the material well, so you decided to doodle in your journal. One of the girls in the front occasionally popped her gum. 

Ms. Strode was talking about World War II when you felt something hit your elbow. You glanced over and saw a balled-up piece of paper. You glanced around to see most people were either frantically jotting down notes or not paying any attention. You picked it up, assuming it just needed to be passed ahead.

However, you read your name in neat cursive and opened it under the table.

Would you go to the dance with me? - Jason

You read the short invitation a good ten or so times before you could comprehend what he was asking. While the teacher wasn’t looking, you peeked over your shoulder to see him staring at you. His buddies were hiding their own smiles, but you didn’t see any malice behind it. Was he serious?

Of course, you’d have to decline. You already have an engagement. You promised your mother. You already declined the evening with your two best friends.

You didn’t send a note back, knowing it would be too distracting trying to pass it. Dandy would never try to give a stupid message.

However, Dandy had been paying attention and had managed to read the note over your shoulder when you laid it on your pencil case. He became green with envy, closing the book he hadn’t been paying attention too in the first place.

You hardly spoke a word to him this year. He wondered why that was. Dandy was very particular who he said too, and gave any sliver of his precious time. You were a comfort to him and probably didn’t realize that. Dandy knew he couldn’t seem desperate for your affection, or at the very least, your attention. He had hoped you’d be waiting for him in his car after school like the previous years before. Did he do something to upset you? Were you too good for him?

Dandy spent the rest of the class staring at the back of your head. He knew that wasn’t the case. Perhaps it was his behavior that steered you away. Of course, he liked being friends with you, but maybe it wasn’t enough. He was a loner who enjoyed his alone time. Dandy heard what people said about him. The general consensus was that he was doing everything right. 

When the class was dismissed, he hung back, watching as you quickly gathered your things and paced out the door. 

“Tough blow, man!” he heard Matthew say.

“She’ll come around.” Jason replied, his tone snarky. Dandy watched as they walked out of the room, his brows furrowing as he debated on taking the high road and asking you to the stupid dance himself. He wouldn’t go willingly. His mother, Gloria, needed him to be involved as much as possible. To keep up appearances, of course. Not for Dandy’s own goodwill. 

Dandy trailed out of the class, seeing you across the hall at your locker. Winter was beside you, somehow talking and applying lipstick at the same time. He stood off to the side, not minding all the bodies bumping into him and temporarily panicking that he’d yell at them.

This is it, Dandy thought. It’s a war, whether Jason Dean knew that or not. 

3.

Jason approached you the following day and asked if you’d mind talking to him at lunch. You hesitantly agreed, catching Zoe’s eye as she hugged Kyle before going into her class. She smiled at you, and you gave her a hesitant one in return. 

He definitely matured through the years. Jason was interested in you, and you felt comfortable talking to him through the entire lunch period, even catching yourself laughing at his sense of humor. Dandy played with the apple in his hands, glaring daggers at the back of Jason’s messy head. Winter noticed from her spot at your usual table and nudged Zoe, gesturing for her to look. 

“He looks pissed.” Zoe giggled, and Winter nodded in agreement. 

“I think Mott is going to kill him!” Winter said, stabbing at her steamed broccoli.

“Shouldn’t we let y/n know?” Zoe asked.

“I think she’s about to figure it out.” Winter said as Dandy stood up, heading directly to the table where you were sitting with Jason. Zoe and Winter fell into a hush, shoving food into their mouth and intently watching what was about to unfold. 

Jason saw him approaching first and paused, sizing the other guy up and down. Jason was bigger than Dandy in height and muscle tone from being an athlete, but Dandy wasn’t lanky either. You turned around, shocked to find Dandy staring down at you. 

“y/n,” Dandy nodded at you, ignoring Jason.

“Dandy, hi!” you said, genuinely happy to see him. “How are you?”

“I’m decent.” he said, smiling a little. “Could I have a word?” 

You glanced at Jason, who seemed timid, but he nodded. You stood up, promising Jason you’d be back as you followed Dandy out to the hallway. Multiple eyes followed you, and you heard the whispers starting as the door swung shut. 

“How are you?” Dandy asked now, looking down at you. His dark hair was neatly gelled and had a slight curl. 

“I’ve been good. I haven’t heard from you in a while…” you said.

Dandy nodded, “I could say the same. I assumed you’d come back around soon enough.”

You felt he was hurt by your absence. Dandy looked bothered, and you felt terrible. However, he was capable of approaching you as well. Which is what he thought he had to do. 

“Is everything okay?” you questioned, hoping his mother was doing well. You hadn’t seen her all Summer. 

“y/n, you know you’re one of the only people I care about in this stupid town,” Dandy said, glancing towards a teacher walking to the lounge. He gave you guys a questioning look but didn’t comment, disappearing into the next room. 

You weren’t sure how to respond to that, so Dandy continued, “Which is why I think you shouldn’t go to the formal with Jason.”

You frowned, “How do you know he asked me?”

“The whole school knows!” Dandy retorted, and you remembered. “I think it’s a bad idea.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not going either way.”

Dandy looked surprised, and you saw the relief in his eyes. He laughed a little, his fingers drumming against his leg. “Oh.”

“What, are you jealous?” you asked, laughing at him. Dandy tried to hide his laughter, but it didn’t work. The quiet hallway was filled with your giggles.

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out.” Dandy said, and you were saddened to hear the bell ring. Dandy straightened up, the smile leaving his face as kids filed out of the cafeteria and the surrounding classrooms. Kids stared at you and whispered, many laughing and wondering if you were now a couple. 

Jason slowly walked in your direction, but you didn’t want to say goodbye to Dandy. You were ashamed that you had avoided him for so long. You missed him. Dandy glanced behind you, his eyes sharpening as your new suitor waited patiently, his hands in his beige jacket. 

“Be careful around him.” Dandy whispered to you before he disappeared down the hall.

You approached Jason, who gave you a soft smile, “Am I missing something? Are you two together?”

You shook your head, a light smile on your lips, “No. We’re just friends.”

“Oh…” Jason nodded, “Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if I freaked you out the other day. We don’t have to go to the dance together, but-.”

“Oh!” you gasped. Jason frowned, giving you a quizzical look. “The dance… I forgot,” you lied. “Uhm, I’m actually not going. I have other plans…” you said.

Jason looked defeated but took the rejection gracefully. You promised you’d sit with him again tomorrow, and he visibly cheered up at that. You ended up having to sprint to your locker for your books after saying goodbye, but you couldn’t stop thinking about Dandy’s warning. 

“Be careful around him.”

The Friday before the dance went to complete shit.

That morning you ate your breakfast slowly, listening to your parents argue in the kitchen over a business deal your mother thought was a bad idea. Your father was greedy and looked towards the top dollar than what was best for the business and the family. 

If that wasn’t bad enough, Winter fell sick and couldn’t go to school. You had to wait for your father to finish getting ready before he could drive you. You were ten minutes late and got a verbal warning; you never got in trouble at school. You had three tests in a row, and by lunch, you were about to rip your hair out.

Jason was nowhere to be found, so you sat with Zoe. She was worried that Winter would miss the dance but was happy that she’d at least have Kyle if Winter canceled. Kyle came and sat with you guys, his shaggy blond hair wet from the downpour outside. 

You were anxiously looking around the cafeteria for any sign of Dandy. He had missed a few days of school, citing a fever when you called his house and spoke to his maid, Dora. You wished him well and knew he’d pull through fast. Plus, you saw his car this morning when you got dropped off. 

“They’re going to cancel the dance if more kids fall ill,” Kyle said as he ate a burger. Zoe glared at him, telling him to look on the bright side of things. 

“What? I am!” Kyle replied, smirking at his new girlfriend.

“I’m sure they won’t cancel.” you placated Zoe, who beamed at you. “All the parents who gave money will be pissed.”

You ate most of your lunch when the principal walked in. The room immediately quieted as he observed the tables before landing on you. He walked to you briskly, and you felt your heart racing as he approached. 

Am I getting detention? I’ve only been late once!

“Ms. y/l/n, could you come with me?” he asked politely, smiling at you, Zoe, and Kyle.

You nodded slowly, bunching up your trash and placing it on the tray. Zoe told you to leave it, and they’d take care of it. You quietly thanked her and followed Principal Harmon out, struggling to keep pace with his long, thin legs.

“Is everything alright, sir?” you asked. Now wondering if your parents died in some fiery crash or if you failed a class. 

“There’s been a disturbance outside this afternoon,” Harmon replied, his voice grim. “With Mr. Mott and Mr. Dean.”

You were shocked to hear this. You were silent during the rest of the trek to his office. When he opened the door, you saw both boys sitting in chairs. They both had packs of ice on their faces and sheepish expressions.

“What were you thinking?” you hissed to them as Mr. Harmon gestured for you to take the empty seat next to Dandy.

“Well, now that y/n is here, I think you both owe her an explanation and an apology.” 

Jason and Dandy shared a look. Dandy now looked pissed, and you could only imagine what lead to this. 

Oh, I have a pretty good fucking idea.

[lemonjoonah]

Under Fire - Pt 5

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Title: Under Fire Word Count: 4K+ Rating: M Genre: Gang AU, Drama Warnings: Violence  Pairings: Hyung Line x Reader (Primarily Namjoon x Reader), very slight OT7 x Reader.   Pairings (in this chapter): V x Reader, Namjoon x Reader, JK x Reader (small part, I promise he’ll get more time soon) 

Summary: As a child you lived among the most wealthy and powerful, after the death of your mother you were shipped off to stay with her sister. Even after finishing your education you continue to live apart from the elite, but a visit home creates an unexpected disaster. You are suddenly roped into a darker world, and who better to be your guide than the infamous gang known as BTS.

A/N: Going forward you are going to see other k-pop groups popping up more and more. It makes it so much more readable to include other groups than OCs. For a GangAU you need a lot of additional characters. I know that I am not portraying them perfectly, but well... someone has to play the villain...

Chapter 5 - The Art of Evasion

POV (Y/N)

The next morning you wake encircled by Namjoon. His arms are cradling your head to his chest. His cheek rests on the top of your head. You both are still lying on the lawn chair in the cold morning air, sun peeking out behind the skyline.

The brightness however, isn’t what wakes you. That action lies with Suga, a pot, and a wooden spoon.

“What the hell Suga?” Yells Namjoon.

“Just trying to scare the pigeons away from you.” He says in his lethargic tone.

Namjoon looks to the sky, it’s empty.

“Pigeons... Really Suga? If you were jealous just say so.”

You instantly flare with a blush.

“Even if I was jealous, at least I am not taking advantage of her while she is in a vulnerable state. That would just be inconsiderate.”

Namjoons arms suddenly fling up over his head as if in surrender.

Suga cracks a smirk and leaves.

“Wow, that got to you didn’t it?” You ask. “Suga was just pushing your buttons. I am an adult, I can make my own decisions.”

He checks his watch, “We should head to the kitchen, the others will be waking up and we need to discuss plans for the day.”

On your first attempt to get up you want to vomit. You clutch your head and groan.

“Hangover?”  You make a pointing gesture with your finger at him in confirmation. Fearful of opening your mouth. He laughs, “You have my permission to blame it on Suga.”

“Thanks but I just built that bridge, I don’t think I want to risk burning it.”

Suga was in front of the stove when you enter, the other members starting to pour in too.

“Why is Suga up so early?” V yawns.

“He’s on breakfast duty this week for almost poisoning (Y/N), while simultaneously giving Jin a heart attack.”  There is a clatter of pans as Suga continues his work, while ignoring Namjoon. You go over to help Suga feeling equally responsible, but he wordlessly points you to a seat.

Suga places dishes in front of each of you consisting of eggs and toast. You look over at Namjoon’s plate to see that the toast is far darker than your own, and there seems to be a crunch to his eggs as he bites into them. Namjoon finishes off his plate but glares at Suga the entire time, Suga just smirks back at him.

“Any suspicious behaviour from VIXX?” Namjoon asks Hope.

“No, I think that they were just heading there for a drink, it didn’t seem like they knew that Suga and (Y/N) were going to be there.”

“Good, we will have to call the Rail Bar off limits for now though, just in case. (Y/N), V is going to take you to the bank today to meet with the lawyer and manager who handles your Father’s accounts. Jimin and JHope will be stationed nearby. JK will be monitoring.” You smile at JK warmly, feeling bad for not having a chance to speak with him yet.

“The new clothes are on your bed,” J-Hope informs you with his mouth full.

“I’ll be down here when you’re ready.” States V.

You step out of the Kitchen and Jin follows, “How’s your shoulder?” He asks he accompanies you upstairs. “I would like to take a look at it, probably change the bandage too. Meet me in my office after you shower.”

Hair still damp you wrap yourself in a towel and head to the small infirmary that is Jin’s office.  You did not expect to collide with a tall dark haired statue outside your door. JK grabs your waist to steady you, but once he realizes what you’re wearing quickly lets go.  A blush creeps onto his face he looked down at the floor and stutters.

“Sorry, I wanted to talk to you before you left. I didn’t mean to catch you like this.”

“It’s fine, Jin just asked to change my bandage before we head out. I’ve wanted to say thank you for your help the other day, without you I wouldn’t have made it out.”

“It was nothing,” he says shyly. “RM says that you are pretty tech savvy yourself, I was hoping once you were finished with the bank that you could assist me with creating a line to your set up in Busan. I figured it would be less intrusive to use your door to access the police database then create my own.       

“Ah, he told you about that did he? Of course, and I would love to see your setup here.” You start to twist your hair into a knot. “I’m self taught and new to the skill so I would love any advice or help you can give.”

“Hacking the BPD is impressive, there’s no way you are a noob.”

“It’s just a piggy back.”

JK seems much more relaxed discussing a topic that he knows well. But it doesn’t last long when he accidentally glances back down. “I’ll come find you once I’m back.” You say essentially offering him a chance to bail. He takes it nodding his eyes wide as he hurries around the corner.

You spot Jin leaning against the the doorway of the infirmary. “Is he always so shy?”

“Just with new people, soon you won’t be able to shut him up.” He looks down at your towel, “Your state of dress probably didn’t help either.”

Jin gestures to the table so he could get a good look at your injury under the light.

You inhale sharply as he takes the bandage off.

“It’s healing well, still no sign of infection.” His eyes are on the wound but his mind seems to be elsewhere. “RM and I are planning the memorial for tomorrow.  I hope that we did not overstep. Is there anything that you might like to include?”

“No, you clearly knew him better than I did. Thank you for setting it up.”

“It’ll just be us there, is that okay?”

You nod smiling through the pain. You understand, that it’s time to put your mask back on, and face reality in your new role, heir to the billionaire philanthropist. “Keeping everything out of the spotlight would probably be for the best.”

Hope had laid out a black pencil skirt and green blouse with a trench coat. Coat in hand you make your way downstairs. V is at the door along with Namjoon, Jhope and Jimin.

“You can tell that Hope dressed you, that boy loves green. I’ll have to take you shopping sometime.” V comments.

“He does does he?” You eye him carefully as he stands next to you. While the rest are receiving orders you lean over to Hope. “Sales clerk picked them out huh?”

“She asked for my favourite colour what was I supposed to say?”

“That it wasn’t for your girlfriend you dork, you could have just invented a friend in the hospital or something.”       

He gives you a nervous smile, as he helps you put on your coat.

Once Namjoon has finished talking to the rest of the group, he turns to you. “Henry will meet you at the bank, he’s your father’s lawyer and has handled your father’s accounts for several years. V is the best at handling the legal aspects. If you have any questions, he can help.”

He looks down at you grabbing your shaking hands, “This is the easy part I promise, just a few dotted lines to sign.”

He could tell you are getting nervous. This isn’t your first choice. You could say no, however that would be a disadvantage, not only to the team, but also your father’s foundation.

J-Hope and Jimin sit in the front, you are seated in the back with V, who has matched your formal attire with a suite. The drive there is quiet.  V would look over at you every now and then with a side glance.

When you pull up to the bank V opens the door and holds out his hand to take yours. As he guides you up the marble steps he whispers, “No need to be worried, if anything they should be nervous. You could shut this whole bank down by simply demanding your money. Actually, let’s try it, give them a bit of a scare.”

You chuckle, “Thanks V, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” When you reach the top a younger gentleman bows to you. “Miss (L/N)?” You are taken aback. In Busan you went by your mother’s maiden name (L/N), while everyone in Seoul called you Park. Hearing it again makes you feel like your life is split in two. Sensing your apprehension he corrects himself, “Forgive me would you prefer Miss Park?”

V introduced him before you can answer, “(Y/N) this is Lau Henry, he will be assisting you now, he has agreed to continue to conduct your father's business under your name.”

You greet him with a nod, “Park is more suitable going forward.”  

“He was in charge of drafting the will and has known about you for some time.” V says darkly.

“The information was all there you just had to know where to look V.”

“How was I to expect that he would keep a daughter hidden?!”

“Of course a man of his wealth and status would have a child, what did you think would happen when he passed?”

“I don’t know I thought that he might adopt RM, take him on as an heir.”

Your anxiety immediately goes into overdrive. Oh god is that what they thought? Are they bitter because Namjoon wasn’t the heir? Are they just pandering until they could take the money from you? Do they just see you as an obstacle  to overcome? The possibilities keep popping into you mind, each one worse than the last.

As you are being lead into the bank you are introduced to several people but you can’t hear a word that anyone was saying. You are drowning in your own head.

You wish V wasn’t so perceptive.  Apologizing for your inattentiveness and trying to shield you from the barrage of legal information. Your heart continues to beat at a racing pace, your breathing shallow. The lawyers leave the room for a moment to grab the documents needed. V reached for you hand, “Just a couple of signatures and we are out of here. Think of something that brings focus to your mind it’ll help you relax. I personally like think of ways I could rob these crooks,” He smiles.

“An interesting method,” You laugh at his joke,  thankful for the distraction, that interrupts your thoughts.

“Real money can be messy, acquiring the zeros digitally would be safer and less trackable, but also less fun,” he adds.

“Wait, you’re serious?”

“Of course, you need...” V suddenly zones out mid sentence. “Yep I see them JK.”

V is obviously listening to a conversation in his earpiece. You are flustered having been once again left in the dark.

“How the hell am I supposed to know who they are with, I’m not the one with the database in front of me.” He continues to bicker with the voices in his ear.

Your temper rises, “Who do you have to fuck to get an earpiece?” You mutter darkly hoping he would catch on to your annoyance.

V instantly shut down. “Ah sorry, that would be me... not that you need to exchange sexual favours for a radio, I’m just in charge of tech.” He pulled a new ear piece out of his breast pocket. “JK put ear piece 2 - 1 - Charlie - Golf on the channel, listed as Fire.”

He placed a hand under my chin as he put the bud in my ear. “Fit okay?” You nod. “My mic is in here,” He taps his collar, “Sorry I don’t have an extra one of those, but mine should be able to pick you up.”

“Okay guys let's keep the crassness to a minimum, Fire is online. First person to swear has to answer to Jin.”

“Welcome Fire.” I could hear the smile in J Hope's voice. Hearing your old nickname comforts you.

“No existing records that I can see.” JK must have still been trying to work out who they were.

“Can I take a closer look?”

“No stay at your post Jimin. I don’t want them catching on that we know. They must be new blood.”

“They are probably just following you to get a location when you return to the base.” V turns to you unexpectedly, “What do you think we should do in this case Fire?”

You are confused but his interest in your opinion but decide to play along. “Ignore them, let them follow until we can get to a busy place with lots of turns and escape routes.”

“Looks like we are going to the art museum,” V smiles.

“Are you even allowed in there V?” asks Jimin.

“I am as long as they don’t recognize me.”

Henry and the bankers chose this time to return to the office preventing you from asking V why he wouldn’t be allowed in.

You began to sign the papers in a daze as the conversation in your head continues.

“Nope definitely not allowed in they have a mug shot on the banned list, I doubt they would be able to identify him now I mean look at that hair!”

“Send me a pic JK,” Jimin whines.

“Check your phone it’s already there.”

“Ha hair, more like lack of, nice buzz cut.”

V’s face is blank. He takes out his phone types a quick message and then returns it to his pocket.”

“You could try beating me to a fucking pulp, but I don’t think you would last one round.”

Once again V take out his phone.

“I didn’t swear in front of her I was just reading your text, aishhh Jin  is going to kill me.”

You see a slight smile slide onto V’s face.   

“Miss Park that should be it, I will have a financer contact you later on to go over your plans for the foundation, and your own funds. I am sure that you would like some time to process before you dive into it.”

“Yes thank you. That would be the best course of action.”

“The transfers will take tonight so you should have access to your funds by tomorrow.”

One of the bankers stood up. “Congratulations Miss Park, you are now one of the richest people in Korea.” He boasts.

You snap at his smug grin, “Congratulations? Tell me do you think I am proud I watched my father die in front of me? Do you think I enjoyed it? That is the only reason I am hear after all, am I to be congratulated for his demise? Believe me when I say, I would gladly give away every dime of that inheritance to bring him back.” You can hear shouts of agreement over the earpiece.

“My apologies mamame I did not intend to insult you.”

“No, no of course not... I’m sure it would not be an insult coming from someone who values wealth over human life.” You turn to Henry, “We should consider changing financial establishments I am not sure that I trust the way that they conduct business here. If you could contact other banking institutions on my behalf I would like to meet with them.”

Henry nods taking down notes with a small smile.  The bank manager is in shock. “Madame I am truly sorry for the offense. How can we insure that we keep your patronage?” The formality coming from a man of his age towards you is almost enough to make me laugh. You have him scared shitless.

“Perhaps we could continue this meeting with Lunch at La Yeon?” He suggests

“So you can wine and dine me? You continue to dig yourself a deeper hole. Show me that you and your bank can actually work for a community for once instead of bleeding it dry. Then maybe I will allow you to continue holding my father’s fortune.”

You turn your back on their ninety degree bows, V at your side beaming. You say goodbye to Henry at the lobby exit. V pulls you into an alcove over at the side. “Your father would have been proud of how you handled yourself in there.”

You smile back at him. You knew going in they would try to take advantage you and your situation, keeping them on their toes would be the easiest way to show you would not be controlled.  

“Ready for the next test?”

“Two hawks still hovering,” JK comments.

“Right, let’s move.” He offered his arm to me, “Best to look as natural as possible, as if we are on our way to the museum for a date.”

“Don’t push it V,” Scolds Hope.

“As friends of course,” V adds trying to cover his intentions.

You take his arm as you exit the bank.

“We will meet you guys there, the second you lose them head to the car it’ll be at the back entrance.”

“Jimin stay on as driver, JHope will be extraction backup for emergencies only. The less attention we can draw the better. Fire is still the center of the news cycle, we don’t need another scene just yet.” JK informs them of their roles.

You couldn’t help but speed up your pace as you walk down the street.

“Whoa slow it down, we need to give the others time to set up the route, and you don’t want to let on that we know. I am going to point at this very uninteresting bakery on the right, you are going to look at it, laugh and see if you can spot the hawks out of the corner of your eye.”

You do just that, noticing two people that didn’t fit with the surrounding crowd.

“Two sore thumbs in suites?”

V confirms, “Bingo! JK do you have the museum’s cameras online yet?”

“Yeah busy day there it’ll be easy to loose them in the crowd. It looks like they shut down the back west portion for renovations. It’s completely empty, might be a good place to break away and make a run for it I can turn off the alarms on the doors so you will go unnoticed, but V will need to grab a key..”

“Any idea on who they are with yet?” V asks

“Still nothing turning up in the database.” JK sighs in disappointment.

“Damn, I would really like to know who we are about to piss off.”

“Based on proximity it might be EXO.” Guesses Jimin.

“Let’s hope it’s not.” Responds Hope.

A light drizzle begins to descent as you continue to walk. V pulls out an umbrella and you both huddle beneath it , several other pedestrians around you popping open their own.

“They are going to get closer as to not lose us, just remain calm and follow my lead.” His slender hand grabs yours as you continue down the street.

The museum is in constant flux with exhibits. The Van Gogh exhibition doesn’t open for three more days. This leaves the west wing, our destination closed to the public. V buys the tickets as you grab a map, but instead of focusing on the exhibits you memorize the exits.

“Looks like that closed exhibit is still going to be your best bet every other corner of this place is full of people and someone will notice an abrupt exit.” JK instructs.

You are able to stop by a few of the other displays before making our way to the final destination. If V is nervous he didn’t show it, instead he seems to be enjoying himself. You clench the map and umbrella, repeating V’s tips in your head, slow your pace, don’t make sudden movements, smile, and focus on the art. After a sufficient amount of time you notice your convoy starts to lag back again. You see a sign stating that the exhibit you’re approaching is closed.

“Still empty JK?’

“Yeah the only people inside are the ballet dancers in the paintings.”

V had taken a key card from a security guard but the door is already unlocked.

“Wait,” you grabbed V’s arm realizing that something is wrong, “Van Goh didn’t paint ballet...”

You don’t get to finish your thought before being pulled into the room by V. You had run into the gallery blindly trusting JK’s assessment. The frames on the walls are empty, the room is not.

The door shut behind you. You have a strange sense of Deja Vu come over you. V shoves me into a corner and places himself between me and the 4 men now approaching.  Your shoulder hits the wall causing you to wince but the pain was nothing compared to the fear you now feel. I remember  these faces from the police database in Busan. All of the major cities in Korea had files on the suspected members of EXO.

  “Wasn’t sure that you would come, but now I can see that you are as predictable as ever V.” The leader spoke, you recognize him as Suho from his mug shot. How could they have know to set this up? Someone had to have told them you were on your way here.

You look at the bare walls, “Must have been a screenshot they had on file, the Dega exhibit hasn’t been here for a while.”  You mutter to V hoping they can hear you through his mic.

You heard JK cursing loudly on the headset. “Can’t believe I fell for a fucking screenshot.”  

Jimin becomes the voice of reason, “Calm down, find them a way out of there.”

“I can’t it’s gone dark now, all of it has. Their hacker must have a more direct connection.”  

Two of the members came up on either side of V, he take a swing but receives a punch to the gut instead, giving them a chance to take hold of his arms.

 You mind is racing, thinking back to the map. Only two exits from this room the door we came in, the other the other at the end of the series of adjoining rooms. Definitely not ideal.

Suho approaches V, pulls out his earpiece and crushes in on the floor with his foot.

“V’s radio is damaged, Hope you’re up.”

“On my way (Y/N), keep them distracted and whatever you do don’t let them move you, Jimin be ready with the car.”

“I heard that you had quite the security breach the other night. GOT7 getting in the manor grounds. My patron was sad to hear of the death of Mr. Park, he will be paying his respects soon. But for another gang to take out your founder, I don’t think your reputation will ever recover  from that devastation.”

V grits his teeth. “You speak of it as though EXO had nothing to do with it, we all know who holds the leash of GOT7.”

“GOT7 acted on their own, although we might have let it slip that BTS were the ones interfering with their cargo deliveries.”

V pulls against those holding him.

“But we are not here to gloat, play nice pooch I need to talk to your new master for a moment.”

V wasn’t having it as they pulled him away from his position in front of me. He lashes out only to receive a beating in return.

Suho looks to you, “Forgive my rudeness Miss Park. I will have to introduce myself as V seems determined to keep you from me.”

“No need Suho, let’s cut the formalities. What do you want?”

His eyes flare, you are sure he did not expect you to respond in such an aggressive manner. “My patron wished for me to pass along a message. He would like for BTS to disband, and call off any projects. There is no point in continuing your father’s foolish goals. He wouldn’t want you to encounter the same fate as your mother.”

You can’t hide the shock on your face. Suho holds a smirk and steps closer to you, “They haven’t told you yet have they?”

You could barely hear Jimin over the ear piece. “I’m so sorry Fire, we were going to tell you.”

You are petrified but at the same time furious. Completely distracted you are unsure of what to do. JHope calls your attention back, “Fire I’m outside the door, I need a distraction, I’m going in blind.”

You realize that you are still clutching the umbrella in your hand. Suho doesn’t seem to notice your earpiece thanks to your hair.  You doubt that he can expect what’s coming next. “Now!” you shout as you swing your umbrella at Suho’s face making contact with his nose.

Hearing your voice J-Hope comes bursting in the door guns in hand. V uses this moment of surprise to take down his captors. You both made a break for Hope but you are not so lucky. Suho catches your arm and hold you against his chest as a shield.

Hope is livid, “Suho you’re sporting a little blood on your face, it’s a good look. If you want we could add to it.”

“As if you would have the guts to shoot me with her right here.”  

“I might not, but Suga does.” J-Hope smiles.

The colour drains from Suho face as he looks to the windows, and the tall buildings outside. You are suddenly thrust forward. V catches hold of you.

“No need, call him off we were just here to deliver a message.”

JHope mutters, “stand down” while holding his ear as if he was talking to someone. You can only hear Jimin on the line chuckling darkly.

“I’m guessing you heard it, tell RM to back off his plan or next time we’ll take her.” His glare at you does not go unnoticed, as V grips you even tighter. Suho continues with a lighter tone, “I was hoping that Jin would be here too, if you could pass on the well wishes of his father and the invitation to return.”

Once again you are stunned by his words, but your desire to flee is far greater than your curiosity.

J-Hope steps slowly back to the door, you and V follow suit. “If you think Jin is going back to his father, you must be on your own product.”

“No, I just understand how detrimental it can be to lose one's founder. You have a new link in the chain. Sure it’s pretty but it’s also weak, she won’t be able to support you before you come crashing down. It would be wiser for Jin to come back while he still can.” Suho turned his eyes back to you, “ It was lovely to meet you Miss Park. I’m sure we will see you again soon.”

You continue to retreat until your backs made it to the door. J-Hope still has his guns aimed, while you and V slip out the door, he quickly follows once your clear. You run down the hall to the exit V flipping the fire alarm on the way. All at once, there is a rush of the people to the doors hope grabs both you and V to prevent separation. Anyone watching would have had difficulty picking you out of the crowd. The tinted SUV is off to the side of the exit, you all scramble in. Jimin keeping his eyes on the rear-view mirror as he pulls out onto the road.

[eichy815]

Back to Lanford: How the ‘Roseanne’ Reboot Can Pick Up Where The Conners Left Off

With classic sitcoms and dramas being continued in “sequel” form – Fuller House, Heroes: Reborn, Girl Meets World, Prison Break, 24: Legacy, and the recently-announced Will & Grace update among them – it was only a matter of time before one unthinkable television giant joined the pack.

That classic series is Roseanne, the working-class family sitcom that ran for nine seasons on ABC from 1988 to 1997.  America’s first extensive introduction to stand-up comedienne Roseanne Barr, the series took a spot amid the echelon of TV’s greatest heavy-hitters.  Barr played Roseanne Conner, a blue-collar mother in the small town of Lanford, Illinois who managed her dysfunctional, unfiltered brood:  lovable-but-occasionally-volatile husband Dan (John Goodman), spunky-and-precocious eldest daughter Becky (first played by Lecy Goranson; later recast with Sarah Chalke in the role), tomboy-turned-downbeat-rebel Darlene (Sara Gilbert), and sweet-talking schemer D.J. (Michael Fishman).

Roseanne and her younger sister, the romantically-unlucky Jackie (Laurie Metcalf), toiled in an erratic series of thankless jobs – factory worker, salon sweeper, trucker, restaurant server, police officer – before finally opening up their own restaurant in their hometown.  Meanwhile, along with their constant financial insecurity, the Conners dealt with a variety of other life stressors – new marriages, somber divorces, pregnancies, extramarital affairs, school drama, hostile coworkers, unhinged peers.

Along the way, several recurring characters joined the cast:  Roseanne and Jackie’s childhood friend and coworker, the self-conscious Crystal (Natalie West); Darlene’s pushover boyfriend (and eventual husband), David (portrayed by The Big Bang Theory’s Johnny Galecki); David’s older brother, bad-boy-turned-dolt Mark (the late Glenn Quinn) who eloped with Becky; Jackie’s “baby daddy” and short-lived husband, Fred (Michael O’Keefe); self-centered lesbian gal pal Nancy (Sandra Bernhard); Roseanne’s anal-retentive boss-turned-business-partner Leon (Martin Mull); and Roseanne and Jackie’s overbearing widowed mother, Beverly (Estelle Parsons), who was perpetually meddling in their personal lives.

So the announcement that Roseanne will be returning for a tenth season (after 21 years off the air) has delighted many of its fans...including myself.  Most of the original cast is slated to return, in some capacity.  Obviously, this will be easier to do in some cases rather than others, as Galecki presently stars on The Big Bang Theory while Gilbert is a daily cohost of The Talk.

Still, given all of the taboo issues from the 1990s that Roseanne proceeded to tackle, head-on – homosexuality, abortion, domestic abuse, addiction, racism, sexism, mental health – think of how many new controversies and watercooler topics in the 21st Century the Conners could react to.

Just pick any of the social issues that I write about over at Morpheus magazine. The possibilities are endless.

Here’s what we know so far:  Season 10 of Roseanne will debut on ABC, sometime midseason.  Its initial order will be for eight episodes – however, if the commercial and viewer response is positive, additional episodes will presumably be green-lit.  I assume it will still be in multi-camera format, taped in front of a live studio audience.

There’s one potential glitch, though;  the series finale, entitled “Into That Good Night,” aired on May 20, 1997.  On the heels of Season 9, which saw the Conners striking it rich from winning the lottery – and living out many fantasy-style experiences as a result of their newfound wealth – the series finale episode ends with a voiceover monologue where Roseanne Conner reveals that all of Season 9 was just part of an elaborate story she had been writing.  Since the protagonist had been established as a talented writer early in the show’s run, this seemed to gel fairly well with the show’s canon while negating some plotlines from the final season that many long-time fans had hated.

Except it wasn’t just “The Lottery Season” that was part of her story-within-a-story.  Roseanne Conner reveals that the entire series contains elements that she’d altered as part of her character’s overall writing career.  Dan actually died from his heart attack at Darlene’s wedding in the Season 8 finale.  Becky was actually romantically paired with David, while Darlene was actually with Mark – Roseanne had just switched them.  Jackie was really a lesbian and never dated men.

This left a bad taste in many fans’ mouths.  How were we supposed to know what all from Roseanne’s first eight seasons really happened...and which stuff the protagonist created through the power of her pen?

Many longtime fans of the series would like for Season 10 of Roseanne to dismiss everything seen during Season 9 as just some elaborate fantasy sequence.  Other fans hated Season 8 (the one right before “The Lottery Season”), and would like for that season to be largely ignored as well.  The problem with that:  Roseanne Conner became pregnant with her final child at the beginning of Season 7 (to synchronize with Barr’s real-life pregnancy) – and that pregnancy storyline lasted well into the beginning of Season 8 (culminating in a Halloween-themed episode where Roseanne goes into labor and names her son after Jerry Garcia – who appears as her “spirit guide” while in the hospital).

Early rumblings are that Season 10 will simply ignore Dan’s death and pretend like it had never happened.  But as I wrote about, back in March, on the topic of Will & Grace’s forthcoming sequel series – I feel that would be a mistake...and sort of an insult to the intelligence of the fanbase.

I say – take the best elements of all nine of Roseanne’s seasons, and rationalize that anything from those nine seasons which the writing staff wishes to retcon should be considered part of an anthology of short stories (or, in the case of Season 9, one larger novel) that Roseanne Conner wrote during her downtime as a blue-collar mom.

This way, Dan is still alive, Darlene and David are still married, and everyone retains the same qualities and distinct personality traits that we loved (or hated) about all of them.

Furthermore, any outlandish plotlines from any of the sitcom’s nine seasons could be retconned as either part of an anthology-based individual short story or as part of one of Roseanne Conner’s assorted longer (unpublished) novels.

For example, when snooty Cousin Ronnie (Joan Collins) blew into town in February 1993:  it turns out, that was just a short story written for Roseanne’s own amusement – because, in her words:  “I always wondered what it would be like being related to someone like that bitch Alexis from Dynasty.”

Or, when Darlene experimented with drugs in 1994 – yep, another short story!  This one focusing on the danger of smart kids who end up inexplicably making stupid choices.

The Gilligan’s Island  fantasy sequence from the Season 7 finale episode – another written daydream of Roseanne Conner.

Roseanne’s March 1995 kitchen visit from a gaggle of legendary TV moms...yeah, really just a satirical written piece illustrating Roseanne Conner’s outlook on motherhood.

That crazy January 1996 food fight that Roseanne and Jackie had in the middle of the “Buy ’n Bag” – yet another short story Roseanne wrote in order to blow off some steam.

Oh, and granddaughter Harris was never born with a lung defect...that had been one of the few serious storylines in Roseanne’s longer “lottery-based” novel.

They could even do a fun gag with the alternating Beckys – including episodes where Lecy Goranson and Sarah Chalke take turns playing Becky, from one scene to the next, Patty Duke-style (as they teased during the Season 8 premiere).  Chalke is rumored to be returning as a totally new character, which could also be tied to Roseanne Conner’s in-universe writing.  This would also allow them to explain all of the constant cameo appearances from celebrities, in-jokes, tribute episodes, and off-the-wall storylines that popped up even before “The Lottery Season” ever happened.

Here’s an example of how I would write it:

***********************************************************

ROSEANNE CONNER

As Barr herself opined during a 2009 blog/interview, she muses that Roseanne Conner is probably now operating a marijuana dispensary alongside Jackie.  Actually, that would seem to fit in well with both the current political climate and Barr’s own political leanings (she supported Bernie Sanders during last year’s primaries).  Roseanne and Jackie could have opened up a ganja-outlet called “The Munch Box” – attached to, and operating next to, the still-thriving “Lunch Box” (which now offers up pitas and calzones in addition to its loose-meat sandwiches, as a way of satisfying Lanford’s evolving clientele).

Aside from that, Roseanne is most likely doing what we loved the most about her:  knocking together the heads of her relatives (or other clueless acquaintances), calling out social injustices in any small way she can, and daydreaming about how she might piece together a better world in her wildest fantasies.  Oh, and writing.  Lots and lots of creative writing in her very own basement “dungeon” – I mean, “office.”

DAN CONNER

When Season 10 of Roseanne opens, it could be revealed that Dan did indeed suffer a heart attack at Darlene and David’s wedding...but, unlike what was revealed to us in the Season 9 finale (which was really just the ending to one of Roseanne Conner’s plethora of alternate-ending short stories), Dan is still alive and kicking as he approaches his seventies.  Now, however, he’s living on SSI/SSDI/Disability and does under-the-table work at a local pawn shop (since he’s in no cardiovascular condition to complete heavy manual labor).

DARLENE CONNER HEALY

After marrying David in 1996, Darlene indeed achieved her dream of getting out of Lanford.  She became a Hollywood writer for an adapted television version of her successful comic, “Fairy Scary” (a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid graphic novel series about a race of dark fairies who covertly bioengineer humans into what we know as vampires, zombies, and werewolves).  She moved herself, David, and their daughter, Harris, out to L.A. so that she could work full-time while David functions as a stay-at-home father raising young Harris.  Although she’s an overworked staffer on the TV incarnation of Fairy Scary (now in its fifth season), Darlene maintains her biting wit and dark view of the world.   Oh, and she’s upgraded from being a vegetarian to becoming a vegan (much like Gilbert in real life).

D.J. CONNER

More mature but still a fan of occasional mischief, D.J. is now an independent filmmaker who travels the country to document human interest stories and political agitators.  Upon graduating from film school in Chicago, D.J. journeyed out to Hollywood for a trial visit – where Darlene helped to hook him up with some initial contacts.  Eventually, though, D.J. decided that the West Coast wasn’t for him; he realized he preferred going to where the stories actually took place, rather than trying to bring them to him.  He’s currently unattached, having had several short-term girlfriends.  He still remains friends with some of his female peers from his middle & high school years:  Heather (Heather Matarazzo), Lisa (Ashley Johnson), and Geena (Rae’ven Kelly).

BECKY CONNER HEALY

Becky, now widowed after Mark (the late Glenn Quinn) died in Afghanistan in 2003, finally achieved her dream of attending college following the loss of her husband.  She graduated from a four-year university in 2013 – although it took her more like six years to do so, since she had to juggle part-time work on top of it.  Still sharp and feisty, Becky manages a clothing boutique in Lanford...and is considering a run for political office, in light of everything that’s gone on with the new Trump Administration.

JACKIE HARRIS

Since her dalliance with Prince Carlos (the late Jim Varney) was all a part of one of Roseanne’s longer novels, we learn that Jackie did indeed experiment with lesbianism following her split from Fred.  Contrary to what Roseanne stated in the epilogue of her Season 9 book, Jackie is actually bisexual...but still remains unlucky in love whether it comes to men or women.  Jackie continues to co-own “The Lunch Box” with her sister, and is supportive of her only child, openly-gay (yes, her prediction came true!) twenty-four-year-old son Andy.

DAVID HEALY

He’s still Darlene’s obedient husband, although he’s slowly finding subversive ways to come into his own.  While he can’t always fly out to Illinois to visit his in-laws, David has done a good job of keeping Darlene grounded and relatively-sane amid the cutthroat jungle that is Hollywood.  He was able to be a stay-at-home dad for a majority of Harris’s childhood; but now that Harris is in her early-twenties, David works part-time as an assistant at a Pasadena-based Caltech physics lab so he doesn’t get completely bored.

NANCY BARTLETT

Since she’d stopped appearing as frequently during the show’s last few seasons, here’s a retconned scenario I have constructed for Nancy:  quite awhile after her split from Marla (Morgan Fairchild) in the mid-1990s, the flighty lesbian ended up marrying new character Wendi (portrayed by actress Christine Dunford) – the owner of a small Northern Illinois pet store chain.  “Wendi’s Whiskers” has since expanded into 27 other states...and Nancy now travels the country peddling pet food on behalf of her wife, after having sold her share of “The Lunch Box” to Anne-Marie (Adilah Barnes).

LEON CARP

He did indeed marry charismatic attorney Scott (Fred Willard) in early-1996...however, the garish, over-the-top gay-themed wedding that Roseanne threw for them was really – you guessed it! – one of Roseanne Conner’s short stories.  Beginning in 2011, Leon and Scott adopted three children (who are currently teenagers)...and the overbearing Leon has uncharacteristically settled into the role of an awkward “soccer dad” while Scott thrives as a legal eagle serving his many clients in Chicago.

CRYSTAL ANDERSON CONNER

After Ed (Ned Beatty) died, Crystal opened up a Lanford-based day care center in her home.  While serving as a chatty-but-compassionate sounding-board for Roseanne, Jackie, Nancy, and Anne-Marie, the tightly-wound Crystal began immersing herself in the world of do-it-yourself crafts (she claims that Rosie O’Donnell was her inspiration).  Within the past year, Crystal has secured a deal on Shark Tank to market her homemade line of insulated cozies for baby bottles and lunch boxes.  She is also actively being courted by Clinton Kelly to serve as a part-time correspondent for “Clinton’s Craft Corner” on The Chew.

JERRY GARCIA CONNER

Born in late-1996 (although whether or not he was actually born on Halloween might be retconned differently), the Conners’ youngest child, Jerry (portrayed by actor Kian Lawley), is still living with his parents at the age of 21 after having dropped out of college.  However, Jerry isn’t a total slacker – upon his remarkable weight loss in high school, Jerry started up a popular YouTube channel on blue-collar health, which is broadcasted out of the Conners’ basement...oh, Jerry has just come out to Roseanne and Dan as transgender.  The youngest Conner kid now goes by “Geri” and is preparing for gender reassignment surgery – with which Roseanne and Dan are both still trying to come to terms.

ANDY HARRIS

Now at the age of 24, Jackie’s only child, Andy (portrayed by actor Cameron Bright) is a happy-go-lucky cosmetician who often operates out of his cousin Becky’s boutique.  He’s currently dating a “bad boy” – yes, there are openly-gay bikers in Lanford – much to the chagrin of his overprotective bisexual mom.  Amid the last two decades’ worth of upheaval in his Aunt Roseanne and Uncle Dan’s life, Andy has somehow managed to become the “heart” and positive energy of this wacky, brooding Midwestern extended clan.

HARRIS CONNER HEALY

Darlene and David’s daughter (and only child), Harris (portrayed by actress Ciara Bravo) – now at the age of 19 – has become sort of a spooky Wednesday Addams-style young adult.  Harris is a conspiracy theorist who opted to skip college so she could collaborate on a Chicago-based startup magazine run with several of her “Generation Z” peers.  Her writing skills have taken on more of a “political revolutionary” tone than either her mother’s or her grandmother’s – and she plans to help convince her Aunt Becky to mount a congressional run in this new political era.  Oh, and Harris has also picked up the torch of developing an adversarial relationship with great-grandmother Bev – much to the delight of her own Grandma Roseanne!

BEV HARRIS

The erstwhile mother/grandmother who grated everybody’s eardrums like nails on a chalkboard, Bev (still portrayed by Estelle Parsons, contingent upon Parsons’s availability) presently globe-trots with her lesbian lover, Joyce (Ruta Lee) – and occasionally appears on the YouTube channel of grandchild Geri...entertaining Internet voyeurs with her bewildered 21st Century musings.

NANA MARRY

As a tribute to the late Shelley Winters, the Conners’ favorite Nana Mary (Roseanne’s great-grandmother) died in 2007 of congestive heart failure, after a whirlwind night of gambling in Las Vegas.  Nana Mary’s spontaneous jackpot of winnings from her last day on Earth is what enabled Becky to be sent to college (with Nana Mary having willed her eldest great-grandchild the cash on the back of a cocktail napkin).

HEATHER

Not introduced to audiences until Roseanne’s final season, the cerebral Heather (Heather Matarazzo) dated D.J. throughout their high school years...but she and D.J. split several months before he followed Darlene out to California.  However, Heather and D.J. still remain good friends; she works part-time at Becky’s boutique.

BONNIE WATKINS

Roseanne’s one-time coworker at Rodbell’s, Bonnie (Bonnie Bramlett) disappeared from the Lanford scene to become a traveling country singer who eventually was discovered by Dolly Parton during a Nashville festival (Bonnie may have even been drawn to Nashville after a chance meeting with Loretta Lynn at “Lanford Days” in 1993).  While she hasn’t been directly involved with much of their drama since the mid-1990s, Bonnie often returns to Lanford to give hometown concerts, which also boosts the area’s tourism.

LONNIE ANDERSON

Crystal’s oldest son (recast with Eric Szmanda in the role) is now an insurance broker who has helped his stepsiblings Dan and Roseanne navigate the perils of the Obamacare exchanges.

GEORGE

D.J.’s socially-awkward classmate, George (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is now a successful Hollywood showrunner who had helped to open some major doors for Darlene after Darlene’s first several unsuccessful years in Hollywood.  He has also come to the aid of his old buddy, D.J., in making some prime filmmaking contacts – D.J. and George currently have a good-natured “bromance” on those intermittent occasions when they get to reunite.

MOLLY & CHARLOTTE TILDEN

The two sisters who were the Conners’ new neighbors during Season 5 have, ironically, traded roles from the yin-and-yang personalities of their own teenage years.  Charlotte (Mara Hobel) is now an edgy biker chick (she was the one who introduced Andy to his current boyfriend, in fact), whereas Molly (Danielle Harris) has settled in as a rather conservative stay-at-home mom married to one of the junior partners at Scott’s law firm.

MIKE SUMMERS

The smarmy politician (portrayed by character actor Mark Blum), who tried to solicit Roseanne and Dan at the end of Season 4, now resides on the streets of Lanford as a homeless bum.  After losing political campaigns in 1992, 1998, and 2002, Mike was briefly taken in by a then-childless Leon and Scott (whom he’d met at the local Lanford Republican Club) – yet, they kicked the wannabe politico out onto the street after Citizen Summers took things too far in mooching off of them.

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Of course, these are just several scenarios that could unfold.  With Roseanne Conner’s hobby as a prolific writer, there are all kinds of ways to explain away the things seen during Roseanne’s nine seasons that the show’s writing staff chooses to determine were simply a figment of the Domestic Goddess’s imagination.

Hopefully, the new creative team behind the Roseanne reboot won’t follow the wayward advice of purists by awkwardly cherrypicking-and-disregarding the show’s canon in some seemingly random or haphazard manner.

Instead, the talented cast and creative forces behind Roseanne have an opportunity to bring Roseanne Conner and her brood into the new millennium while recapturing the spirit of the iconic family sitcom with which we all fell in love.