#also the part that goes 'charge into war under washington' lol

[metaphors-about-maps]

when your first wolf has since evolved into recognizing the usa as the real enemy and the us army and their relentless safeguarding of capitalism as the reason the world is fuck all.

and the second wolf would go to war for ellen claremont.

i am very, very gay.

inside you there are two wolves:

one is studying basic high school indian history and hates the British from the core of your heart.

the other just watched the RWRB movie and insists that Henry is your babygirl.

YOU ARE INDIAN AND QUEER.

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

pinky and the brain - s1e6: brainania

i’m running on like the barest dregs of energy let’s fucking do this leeroy jenkins

episode summary: brain needs to build a Very Big Tumbly Drier. he needs a lot of money to build a Very Big Tumbly Drier. he decides the best way to do this is to.... invent a country and scam the us out of a foreign aid cheque.

hm.

the rundown:

it’s acme labs!

there it is.

as we zoom in a little, we hear pinky laughing maniacally at the very mention of tom ruegger, while a couple of women are dead on the floor.

hm.

SPEAK TO ME, PHYLLIS, SPEAK. as it turns out, things aren’t quite as dire as previously thought, as pinky affirms that brain looks “simply fetching.”

narf.

“these are the only garments i could obtain. and besides, you are no helen of troy yourself.”

ignoring the fact that he chose to wear the hat and the gloves as well, brain moves onto explaining his latest plan--

but not before giving pinky a static-y poke for his crimes.

“to generate global static cling, we shall construct a massive clothes dryer.”

BEHOLD.

THE TITANOCYCLE FOUR THOUSAND, WITH THREE SPEEDS AND AUTOMATIC WRINKLEGUARD. this will surely allow brain to.... trap everyone in their clothes via static cling and. uh. allow him to seize power...... somehow......... by putting everyone in a really big tumbledryer?????

it costs fourteen billion dollars.

“oh, i have it!”

“we build a huge tooth, leave it under a huge pillow, and then fairies will leave us lots of money!”

brain tells pinky to stop eating paint chips. it’s a well deserved response to pinky’s insane, bullshit idea, not nearly as dignified and scientific as Everyone Goes In The Big Tumbly Dryer By Brain Age Two And A Half.

as he heads off to ponder an Equally Sensible idea to get a lot of money, pinky assures brain that he will not “be a bother.”

“brain.”

“if i ate a hundred jelly rolls, would i explode?”

i don’t know why pinky is sticking his ass out. maybe that’s where the jelly rolls go, in the sense that whenever i used to eat cakes around my dad he’d often say something like “a minute on the lips is a lifetime on the hips”. (also? pinky is british, so what he actually means is jelly rolls, and that sounds disgusting.)

so anyway brain gives him a piece of paper and tells him to try origami.

BUT WAIT.

“pinky! are you pondering what i’m pondering?” “i think so brain, but why the bitch stacey foreign aid office is giving chad all the money while i’ve always been a nice guy and showed her a basic level of human respect is beyond me. narf.”

no i’m sorry. he didn’t say that. pinky respects women. also apologies to the residents of the actual country of chad. big ups to all of you. lol. (he actually says “but pantyhose are so uncomfortable in the summertime”, which is wild, considering this episode was aired in november.)

brain doesn’t want to wear the pantyhose.

well, maybe he does, but not right now. instead, he suggests that they form a bogus nation and demand reparations from the united states, which is, of course, easier, saner, and far less work than Really Big Tooth. as he folds the Chad Newspaper into a vague key shape (the Virgin Tabloid never had a chance) pinky points out that, uh

you can’t just invent a country, brain. “won’t people know we’re not a real country?”

“the average american’s grasp of geography is pitiful. they’ll think we’re part of the former soviet union.”

“or canada.”

so they pick a random, tiny island on the label of a Science Chemical and set off on the boat to Being A Coloniser Town.

a long sea voyage awaits us! and at the end, we shall found a nation! and that nation shall be called!

BRAINANIA.

“can’t we call it pinkyland? or eric?”

“don’t vex me, pinky, or i shall turn on you.”

so they get on the S.S FATTY LUMPKIN and bugger off to Island X.

“i haven’t seen anybody yet, brain. i guess we’re alone here.”

“excellent, pinky. it’s time to flesh out the terrain.”

“that volcano will be mount brain.”*

“this clearing will be brain flats,”

“and that water over there--”

“very well.”

“the fjord of pinky.”

and they hoist their adorable, homemade flag, while pinky doots them a little themetune.

(*perhaps when they’re not in the middle of the jungle.)

how lovely!

less lovely.

significantly less lovely. still, it got brain to make the little O:O face, so it’s not all bad.

as the mice are scooped up onto a sphere and presented in front of this presumably-maori gentleman, brain decides to put his White Gay From Los Angeles skills to the test, and reassures pinky that he will communicate with them in the Primitive Argot Of The South Seas.

ME NUMBER ONE FELLA. OTHER FELLA NUMBER TEN. CATCHY ALL SAME SAME. YOU SAVVY?

“good day, mate. d’you speak english?”

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

anyway apparently this has happened often enough that these guys learnt english. from all the times it happened. and then they ate the guy they learnt english from and shrunk his head, but to be honest, i don’t blame them.

this is alan. “hello, alan.” says pinky.

“i would be pinky! and this is prime minister brain.”

“who is IN CHARGE OF THIS ISLAND AND EVERYTHING YOU SEEEE.”

“narf.”

sneaky bastard knows what he’s doing.

alan isn’t too happy with that, because the island belongs to the volcano god, whanganui,

WHO PROTECTS US FROM EVIL AND HAAARM AND WHAT ALL ELSE.

(i can find no evidence that whanganui is actually a god, as opposed to just A Bit Of New Zealand. if they are, i’m more than happy to go back and edit this as would be religiously considerate.)

this is the face of a man who knows he has fucked up.

still, brain decides yet again that his pride comes before any kind of rational decision, so he decides to tell them that whanganui sent him to the island to rule over them,

as proven by his fire powers.

(ETA: i missed this last time. why is brain carrying a lighter around? that episode isn’t for a good few more seasons yet.)

alan is unimpressed.

I CAN TRAP YOUR SOULS INSIDE THIS GLASS

“i can make bubbles with my spit!”

apparently this is a real talent on the island. who’d have thought. (they do not believe it to be a sign of god. it’s just really cool.)

so brain gets a hand building brainania.

it has everything one could possibly need.

actually pretty much as soon as the airport and the gift shop are built, brain heads to washington, so evidently he holds the strong opinion that this is everything a country could possibly need. odd. still, maybe he plans on adding stuff once he becomes world ruler, or whatever.

so with that established, The Most Exalted ned limpopo gets out of the car. hassan lembeck is also here. he is attempting to make an origami bird out of a newspaper.

no bird for you, mr lembeck. no bird for you.

they wander off to go and see mr bisck, who is currently playing with a little toy plane.

he reacts to the news that the prime minister of brainania is here to see him with “oh great, more moochers,”

and does not seem to take kindly to having tiny mice on his desk, even if they are reasonably exalted.

though a quick database search tells him said mice have no record of financial trouble, or, indeed, a credit rating, so. he tells them to go away.

“go away.”

okay. hassan doesn’t take this well.

as Exalted Ned Limpopo gently tries to persuade mr bisck that he could “harm negotations” between brainania and the us (a lot more politely than he usually explains things to people, may i add) hassan chimes in with a haven’t you people ever heard of bold claim that brainania, if slighted, will INVADE YOUR LANDS

GO BOOM BOOM BOOM

AND MAKE YOU ALL OUR PATHETIC SLAAAAAAAAAAAAVES.

mr bisck does not like this idea, it seems.

as he rushes off to tell the UN, brain informs pinky that he has

“just created an international incident.”

“oh, thank you, brain.”

“in the words of the immortal yogi bear, this is dejavu all over again.”

so the boys turn up on PUNCHLINE, WITH FRED FLUBBLE.

there he is. “perhaps you gentlemen would care to climb up on the desk?”

they make it, just about.

and sing a fun little song about brainania’s war victories, i guess.

WE WILL FIGHT AND NEVER QUIT

FIND ME A ROOFTOP AND I WILL SPIT. NARF

this is not well recieved by the us military.

unfortunately, as the US press secretary points out, the us cannot go to war with a country it can’t find,

(wuss.)

so instead the mice are invited to dinner at the white house.

“in a few short hours, pinky, we shall have our foreign aid loan, and then the world!”

“birdy birdy birdy! narf!”

“i sense much of this historic moment is lost on you.”

at the white house, a very bored looking individual introduces The Most Exalted Ned Limpopo (feat. hassan lembeck), and bill clinton shakes his hand.

“me number one fella. other fellas number ten. catchy all same same. you savvy?”

“i speak fluent english.”

“eyyyy. haha. sure you do.”

“all brainania ever wanted from the US was friendship. friendship, and fourteen billion dollars and fifty nine cents. the friendship i will treasure. the money i will spend on polo ponies and cruise missiles.”

brain has a brief discussion with hilary clinton over the advantages of strontium ninety versus uranium two-thirty-eight,

bill clinton pulls this face and tells them it Sounds Smart,

and the mice bounce merrily back to mr bisck to get their foreign aid check.

“you better not lose it, buster!!! i just erased your records!! you won’t get another one from me!!!!”

HA.

“one should be enough. thanks and farewell, “

“you niggling bureaucrat.”

conclusion:

upon returning back to brainania, The Most Exalted Ned Limpopo finds a letter from alan addressed to him. it’s also mouse sized, which is adorable. apparently, whanganui,

WHO PROTECTS US FROM EVIL AND WHAT ALL ELSE

is “blinking mad”, and the volcano is going to explode.

brain, obviously, does not believe in whanganui, and is mostly just mad that he’s lost his workforce. still, as pinky points out,

“at least we've still got brainania!”

“i sense life has taken another sardonic twist.”

still, they do, barely, have enough time to reach the shoreline and start swimming away from the imminently exploding volcano. perhaps it should have been, yknow, a pretty decent sign that the natives cleared out. historically, people who live in these places tend to know about them, but what of that when brain is number one guy same same you savvy.

🙄

anyway the karmatic response to all of that previous racism is that a tidal wave sweeps them back onto the volcano,

which then blasts them into space.

(okay not literally space. but they do end up on a little raft in the middle of the ocean. don’t ask me where the raft came from. i have no idea.)

oof.

“mother nature has slammed her unmerciful fist on our fair isle, pinky.”

“do you know what this means?”

“birdy birdy birdy!!!!”

brain does not appreciate Birdy Birdy Birdy.

“blast it, pinky!”

“i said, do you know what this means!!”

“it means you just ripped up our foreign aid cheque.”

one should be enough, huh?

brain: 7 pinky: 7 outside influence: 13

like, i don’t know. maybe pinky shouldn’t have been making oragami birds out of the foreign aid cheque. but, while silly, it’s not like it did any harm. brain.... brain just needs to chill.

“well, aren’t you the tiniest foreigners i’ve had in here all morning. i’m mr appleby, can i help you?”

“yes. we would like to have relations with you. and steal some milk duds.”

“we wish to establish diplomatic relations with the us. i am the prime minister, and this is my minister of finance.”

“brainania--? oh, i remember you. you used to be a.... suburb of prague.”

“can you prove you’re a nation?”

“yes! we have postcards.”

“that’s the fjord of pinky.”

“you foreign folk sure have your own.... queer little ways.”

[booksummarieswithkatz]

Inquisitor by R.J. Blain, a summary

Okay, first we need the basic terms for this world.

Feneric: Werewolves, they’re weak to silver and must constantly keep their animal selves under control. There are three types of Feneric separated into four social strata.

TYPES

-Born Feneric: the children who are born Feneric to Feneric parents.

-Made Feneric: Humans who became Feneric through a special ritual, this usually requires the person’s consent but it can be forced upon them.

-True Feneric: Feneric born under one of two circumstances- a human baby born to wolves, or a wolf pup born to human parents- they are extremely rare, valuable, and powerful Feneric

STRATA

-Alphas: Protectors of the pack, they are the strongest and most dominant in their packs.

-Dominants: Feneric that have instincts pushing them to take control of their surroundings and protect those they see as reliant on them.

-Submissives: Feneric who do not feel the need to be in charge, they are valued in their packs because dominant wolves are soothed by their presence, since they don’t see them as rivals.

-Omegas: Feneric who do not feel the need to be in charge yet still have all the same protective instincts of dominants; they are the rarest and can play any role necessary to stabilize their pack.

Witches: Humans who have connection to a specific element of nature; fire, water, air, or earth. They gain powers based on that element as well as boosted health and lifespan. They can also form a pact with Feneric to help preserve their humanity.

Wizards: Humans who can basically break most of the laws of magic so long as they are able to afford the price. They are killed by other supernatural beings on sight.

The Inquisition: A shadowy group that is part of most modern government and was born from the Catholic Church. They “protect” normal people from the supernatural. They often demand witches join them and wolf packs register themselves in exchange for the lives. They kill almost all other supernatural beings on sight, and offer massive bounties for same, as well as “rogue” witches and wolves.

The Shadow Pope: this person with a dumb-ass name is the head of the Inquisition, below him are the Archeons and below them are the Cardinals.

Now that that’s out of the way let’s get on with the story.

Our main character this time around is Victoria Allison Elisabeth Mayfield Hanover, and she is old as fuck. Born in 1851 levels of old. However she is still looking romance novel levels of “oh im not that great but the boys still drool because lol self-esteem issues” because she, surprise, surprise, is both a Feneric and a witch. Now of course you can’t be immortal, attractive, and magic without some bullshit to rain on your parade, so dear Victoria (or as her current driver’s license says “Allison Ferdinan”) is also a rogue on the run after being held captive by the Inquisition and kept in a cage until they needed her to kill someone. Also, because protagonists need to be special™ she is also the Keeper of the Seasons, which is fancy talk for “I am a wolf who sometimes goes nuts and kills people who try to fuck with nature.”

Needless to say, she doesn’t like to draw attention to herself. Which is why she became one of the most powerful CEOs in the U.S. of a corporation called Marrodin Enterprises and then created the fake persona, Allison Ferdinan, who works as an accountant and travels around the country to stop herself from going stir crazy. Because becoming rich and powerful is the first step to making sure no one knows or cares about who you are. As you do.

And thus we begin with Allison (Victoria) standing in NYC’s Central Park having a chat with her client and acquaintance, Markus Dupree. You see, its Halloween and Mark needs to find a woman who (despite his handsome face and oodles of money) is willing (lol) to pretend to be his lover at a gala for the rich and powerful to impress his mother. Allison (Victoria) of course says “absolutely no-” “Pretty please I’ll owe you a favor and we’re friends and I already got us a room at the Plaza and-its-definitely-not-the-Honeymoon-suite-and-I-definitely-don’t-love-you-woudn’t-that-be-wierd-right hahahaa.” To which she says “yeah I guess.”

So after going to a jewelry store dressed like a hobo, being accused of credit card theft when she tried to buy a multi-million-dollar necklace, and scaring the shit out of the store manager because when he called the credit card company, her assistant and friend Samantha shows up to slap the manager with a stack of Benjamins. Also she bought the necklace. Allison and Samantha have a nice chat about how buying a necklace that costs more than some small country’s GDP when she’s supposed to be a middle-class accountant may have been a tactical error, to which Allison replies “fuck that I need a purse to match my dress” and they go buy a purse before taking her to the party.

Now at the party we learn a few important things, one: Mark’s mom is a witch and also a huge bitch, two: Mark’s mom works for the Inquisition and straight up kills a woman named Caroline at the party and disguises it as a Halloween murder mystery, three: the Inquisition used a Feneric as a party favor for the rich guests, and four: Allison is allergic to canines, including Feneric… and herself… yeah. All of these serve to tilt the shit out of Allison and after Mark’s mom straight up calls her a slut after Mark’s money she bolts out of there and kidnaps Samantha for a “time to disappear” roadtrip.

They drive to some woods and Allison shifts for the first time in about two decades (a really big no-no when you risk going insane by trying to not shift for one full moon) and as she forgets her humanity and runs off into the woods she kills a bunch of witches who were trying to turn Autumn into Winter early. Then after a brief encounter with an odd wolf, Samantha says Allison’s true name (Victoria Allison Elisabeth Mayfield Hanover) and gets her to change back before going on the road again.

On the road they get a call from Samantha’s boss, who says that Allison was spotted with a giant dog in front of a lawyer’s house and mauled him to death. So the “time to disappear” trip became a “time to fake our own deaths” trip and after paying a guy Allison new from when she and Samantha went on a wild bender in Saigon during the Vietnam war, Allison gets two bullets to the chest (only for the camera of course) and they blow up Samantha’s car. It’s then that Samantha takes off her soccermom illusion and reveals that she’s in her seventies. WOW! So surprising after the whole, 150+ year old wolf-witch thing right? So they drive down to Atlanta and do a big song and dance to swap Allison’s identity to that of Victoria Hanover, CEO of Marrodin Enterprises – a company so strictly controlled by her that only people who pass a harsh evaluation and can be called good people will ever be hired or promoted. She also hires Samantha (now old) to be her new secretary.

At Marrodin we meet a few important people, Elliot Anderson (CEO of a subcorporation of Marrodin and overall cool dude) and Amelia (Head of the legal divisions and former judge). So we then find out that the lawyer people thought Allison killed worked for a Marrodin law firm, and that a bunch of employees around Marrodin are getting routinely and professionally iced. So Victoria does what she does best, run out on her own and adopt some kids left behind by one of the dead employees. Then Samantha dies, and Victoria just about loses her shit. After “convincing” a doctor to do a full toxicology report on Samantha’s body, we find out that Samantha had a weird virus in her system that looked similar to ebola -er- sorry- *ehem* looked similar to ebola, and *gasp* say it ain’t so but it’s the plague! A disease that killed an assload of Feneric when Victoria was young! So Victoria calls up the guy who fake shot her and says “yo someone murdered my witch” to which he said “I know a guy, also if you dance naked on their graves when you’re done I want pictures.”

So Victoria buys a house, drives -by herself- to pick up the kids she adopted, and picks up a British hitman guy named James who decides to chill with her. Also the kids turn out to be Feneric. And they’re both omegas. And the boy (they are a brother and sister between 3 and 7y.o.) is a true born. Also it turns out that Victoria Allison Elisabeth Mayfield Hanover is actually a true born Feneric and part of the British royal family and was sold as a breeding bitch to a Feneric pack in Canada. That’s a thing. Also there is a huge bounty to capture her, because she’s ancient and magic and royal and shit.

Then Victoria becomes a cool mom and take the kids to a funeral for one of the employees in Washington D.C. and then someone lobs a bunch of grenades into the crowd and Victoria goes into a coma, and is brought to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota (land of lakes represent) where she wakes up two weeks later. After going back to Atlanta, Victoria realizes that all the dead employees are Feneric, so she looks up their bank statements and realizes that they all bought stuff at a gas station in Alabama around the time of the full moon. So she decides they were a pack and brings Elliot Anderson (remember him?) and the two kids out to the place.

We then find out that some dumb motherfucker has been going around randomly forcing people into becoming Feneric and then abandoning them without any guidance. She then decides to admit to Anderson what she is (only the wolf part though) and then they go and wolf out in the woods. Cuz werewolves. Victoria then circles back and finds SURPRISE it’s Anderson, James, Mark, and Mark’s mom having a chat in the open about killing rogue wolves. SWEEEEEERVE! 

So Victoria, now real shook, jumps out of the bushes and rips Mark’s mom’s throat out. Lovely. Everyone takes this really well, and they bring her to the Inquisition’s nearby base, and get her tested for the plague, cuz she’s ancient and shit. It’s pretty clear too since modern Feneric look like modern wolves kinda but she looks like the way extinct dire wolf species. Also the boss of the place is a Feneric named Devonshire who SURPRISE is the one who keeps forcing people into becoming Feneric because he wants an alpha or some shit. The book really just nosedives from here so I’ll try to condense it further.

They lock Victoria in a room and force her to turn human again, but she actually decided “fuck all of you” and summoned a hurricane and a blizzard to simultaneously strike the Inquisition base and she starts getting hypothermia. She is then awakened by James and Mark who have very different reactions to the revelation of what she is; mainly Mark goes “I-THOUGHT-YOU-WERE-DEAD-I-LOVE-YOU” and James the Brit goes “OMGOMGOMGOMG YOU’RE THE SHIMMER! THE ROYAL WOLF! I. AM. A. HUUUUUGE FAN!” And so she says “yeah ok bye” and commands the snowstorm to toss them out of the base. Then Devonshire and Anderson burst in and Devonshire goes “shoot her” and Anderson shoots her – really shoots her this time. Then Amelia (remember her?) busts in, shoots Anderson, and grabs Victoria. Then the two of them get captured by an Arab woman and some mercs who are like “sick, kill the witch and sell the bitch, lady wolves are big business.” But when the Arab woman gets antsy about the silver chains poisoning Victoria, the other mercs kill her and then Amelia goes “take the chains off bro she’s the Shimmer bro” (also Shimmer is a name for the Keeper of the Seasons i.e. Victoria) and the mercs are like “sweet” and then Amelia says “close your eyes Victoria” and she does and then the mercs are dead and then SURPRISE BITCH it was all an illusion and Amelia is evil and the whole thing where Anderson shot Victoria was a lie and also Anderson and James show up and so does Mark and they shoot Amelia and it turns out that EVERYTHING that happened in the book was Amelia’s plan to take over Marrodin and kill Victoria because Samantha was her coven sister and Victoria corrupted her or some shit. So everyone decides to act like all of this never happened, except that Anderson and Victoria might be swiggity swooty going for each others’ booty on the down low and Victoria promised Mark that if he still wanted to marry her in ten years she would consider it and James got nothing because he is a limey bitch. Also Anderson is the Shadow Pope.

[jpy693en-blog]

Which car insurance company is the cheapest in California?

Which car insurance company is the cheapest in California?

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