#also the division of 'whats wrong with reading a novel you asshole???' w song minwoo

[tamaharu]

okay ive rested eaten and have my laptop and i still have THOUGHTS

like, its obvious to anyone whos read far enough into orv that kdj doesnt like talking about or acknowledging his own distress. however, this isnt a hard and fast rule. hes more willing to speak about hurt when it isnt actively happening to him and when it is something he finds a "normal" trauma.

early on, when we're first introduced to him in the prologue, hes willing to touch on the Kim Dokja Background Cringe Compilation: "I have been steadily reading this novel since the third year of middle school. Even when I was bullied by the delinquents at my school, even when I had to enter a third-rate, local university since I cred up my entrance exams, even when I was assigned to a military unit at the frontlines since the damn military draft lottery went wrong, and even now, working as a contractor for a large subsidiary, still without a full-time job..." like, cool story bro, thanks for walking us through your traumas. however, as he reaches the present, he finishes off by going: "...damn it, let's stop thinking about this. Anyway."

additionally, when he's talking to yoo sangah in ch1, hes fully willing to commiserate with her about how, "It seems like just yesterday, but the contract period is already over." when they remember that this is not something ysa is going through as well, he switches on a dime. he feels incredibly dismal about his life (describing a feeling of dissociation from the world) but distracts ysa from this with congratulations and platitudes.

just from these early examples, we can show that kdj is not necessarily opposed to talking about his own distress, but the second it seems to hit too close to home, or appears irregular to a common experience, he shies away from it.

by ch76, hes done a small amount of set-up to the introduction to his mother, which is something that is incredibly distressing to him even in the present, AND its not exactly a common experience to have the kind of dynamic with his mother that he does. this is something he STRONGLY avoids thinking about, only acknowledging her in small bursts, usually when forced. (the fog that shows everyone some sort of trauma, when he has to eat the crystals to escape monsters in the third main scenario and it sends him to a mental prison).

the most he's willing to acknowledge the truth of his mother (prior to the incident with the fourth wall, which changes the truth and their dynamic of that day to a large degree) is after his conversation with her a little bit before peaceland. he talks to ysa about it, however he opens with: "I took a deep breath before saying with exaggerated tone. “My mother killed my father.” Strangely, my words sounded ridiculous. I spoke like it was someone else’s story." when he starts talking about the book, ysa assumes that hes changing topics very suddenly. and when he finishes, he mentions that he feels a "sense of victory" over the fact that ysa cant relate to this situation, and sweeps it under the rug by telling her: "I'm sorry. It was a joke." this is an incident that is both actively fucking him up, and something he knows isnt normal. when forced to confront it, he allows himself to tell the truth as he understands it, but continues to shy away from it by detaching himself from the story and pretending like it was something he made up afterwards.

kdj doesnt like to acknowledge his own internal hurt. hes willing to recite a list of troubles, but doesnt want to delve into how they actually made him feel without some sort of wall protecting him (hello fourth wall!) its easier to externalize a narrative than it is to feel a narrative. thats why kdj detaches himself from his story about his mother, and thats why kdj allows himself to achieve revenge against song minwoo. by overcoming the shaking of the fourth wall.

now, ive been talking a lot about how hes willing to acknowledge trauma if it feels like a common experience, and i think the example with ysa about company contracts proves this well enough, but he explicitly says this when talking to han sooyoung before he destroys song minwoo: ""...Do you know that bastard? [...] I'm sorry. I didn't want to hear it, but the words he said to you..."

[...] "Yes, I know him. [...] That bastard. He is [a normal] trauma."

"...[What is a normal] trauma? A trauma is serious."" while rainbow turtle's translation refers to this as "obviously a trauma," and an "obvious trauma," its more fitting for him to call it a "normal trauma," as in a trauma that is just soooo normal. whats more normal of a trauma than being bullied as a high schooler? and since its normal, even if it still hurts him, its totally fine and easy to overcome. its normal, so hes willing to admit it exists in the first place.

he mentions that, "Whenever I looked at this guy's face, I felt the '17 year old Kim Dokja' inside me shrink back. Poor thing. From now on, I would get revenge for 'him.' [...] The 17 year old Kim Dokja was watching me in my memories." he dissociates himself from the person who was hurt. he expresses his hurt onto an outside force. its even a normal trauma, what more do you want!

its only when he has to link his hurt unto himself without pretense that he refuses to do so. (i cant find the passage but) when he sees a notebook detailing 15yo kdjs memories in his mind palace, he throws it into the dark. when he meets od, he tries to kill od. then tries to kill himself via memory linkage. he refuses to acknowledge the context in which he stumbled upon ways of survival. these things are actively hurting him. they are in his face. they are impossible to be distanced from. they are not "normal." and thus, they are undeserving of acknowledgement or, if forced to acknowledge them, they are undeserving of sympathy.

i just think its interesting.

its interesting, one of the only times kim dokja is willing to stick up for and be kind to his younger self is in his fight against song minwoo at ch76. by song minwoo being a force of violence both in the past and in the present, it allows kdj the opportunity to indulge in sympathizing with his younger self without commiting to vulnerabilities the way his other exchanges require. its easier to get revenge for an obvious wrong committed by an outside force than it is to care for your younger self without distraction.