#also telling us to document all the activities the company did last semester like???? we weren't even here last sem?????

[hydn-jpg]

my boss just invited my colleagues and i to dinner. at a seafood restaurant. knowing full well that i am deathly allergic to seafood.

[write-as-raine]

12.30.19

       Though this won’t be my final blog post, it is my first one written while being back in the United States. In recent months, the writer within me—who sits at a desk that is covered in post-it notes, half-empty coffees gone cold, and pages of unfinished thoughts—has only wanted to stare off into the distance. Ironically, that distance has been me. While many variables combined have created the perfect situation for some high-quality introspection, my instinct always has been to document the maelstrom of thoughts that run through my mind in large volumes. At first, this took place as fiction, then I turned to poetry, but as of late nothing else seems quite right to write except for my own life. I do value introspection highly, but never before have I felt inclined to share so much of my life with any other living soul, so count yourself among the lucky few, dear reader. It feels entirely wrong to do so, but at the same time, it seems like such an extraordinary waste to keep it to myself.

       It is presumptuous to assume anyone is even reading this, which I think makes it easier to write when my audience is more of an apparition than actuality.

       All of that to say, however, that part of my process is writing random bits here and there, and that ultimately these blog posts become Jess's monster, one big body (paragraph) built of many different parts. This will likely be a mixture of things because returning to the United States has, emotionally, been a mixture of things.

Written 12.26.19, in reflection on 11.28.19 

       I was pondering my trip to London today, particularly the day that Lindsay and I saw Phantom of the Opera. That day has such a glimmering quality in my memory. We were both giddy on anticipation for the theatre, and we were all dressed up as we walked arm in arm, our music split between us in our knockoff AirPods. It was one of those powerful days where nothing could really go wrong if it tried. As we sat in the theatre, drinking overpriced Prosecco and basking in the sophisticated and somehow imposter-ish feeling of being in an ornate theatre in London, I could feel a strange sort of shifting around me, like everything was changing and undoing and becoming all at once. I was realizing, I think, that nothing would ever be quite like this moment again. I would never be in London, with Lindsay, on the cusp of everything ever again.

       Between the theatre and the DLR, as we trotted through the city at London speed, the crisp air and bustle of a populace that is always up to something, I kept getting hints of it. Catching my unquenchable joy in the reflections of the windows we passed, my full moon cheeks aglow with my smile. Our reflection showed Lindsay facing what was next resolutely, while I looked into the present and attempted to hold it there in my mind.

       On the DLR, as we watched the city shift from old to new and back, black water glittering with nightlife, side by side as the present flew past us, I was filled with some inexplicable settling within my chest. It was a sudden and rapid, heavy but not in an unpleasant way. It was just a falling in love, or a re-falling in love, with my life, and with the present, and the past that had somehow led me right up to the brink of what was to come. Lindsay, on this evening, paid me one of the loveliest compliments I think I've ever received.

       "You've taught me to see so much beauty in the world that I never saw before,", she told me as we looked out over the diamond cut cityscape.

Such a simple, perfect day.

       I think I was settling into the knowing that the near and inevitable future would not be easy. That I would come home and feel the initial surge of excitement over what my heart had missed for these months, but that a hollow and aimless feeling I am so accustomed to would creep in around the edges. I would feel the siren call of the city in the soles of my feet. Knowing that feeling would come, I still pushed my heart into the hands of those I loved, even though trusting people who have the power to hurt me has gotten me before, and would again. Because others have taught me that there is no point in bottling yourself up and pretending to be someone you’re not. My soul, in all it's wild and whimsy, will always be spilling over, and why not free it.

12.14.19

       I feel that my time abroad was a transformative experience, I just don't quite know how to sum up what changed. I feel different, not in the way that I expected. London, sleek, elegant, historic, magical London left its mark on me in a new way. I saw so many real aspects of it, the hidden places that aren’t the ‘London’ that we imagine.

       It all began with me accepting that my depression was too much for me to carry alone, which didn't magically solve my depression, but when I say that it felt like a fifty-pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I am not even kidding. Dealing with the scope of my complex and often confusing chemical imbalances and how they manifest in my every day, well that was a whole other beast. I am still on that path, and will always be. Sometimes I don't feel like getting out of bed, sometimes I feel nothing at all, sometimes everything all at once. 

       I stepped through a looking glass and into Ireland, where I met a cute stranger, and things immediately fell into place and then promptly apart again. In London, I moved in and became very close with two very lovely and wise Norwegian ladies, and I found my feisty personality doppelganger from Iowa, and nothing ever really went according to plan, or exactly as I imagined, but it was right, and it was one of the best semesters I've ever had. The last week was one of the most bittersweet moments of my life. As we wandered around the flat, we all felt a bit lost. I don't think any of us were quite capable of figuring out how to transition to not seeing each other every day. We ate most of our meals together, sometimes in companionable silence, just to be near each other. Lindsay essentially just moved the rest of the way in. On our final evening together, we had the last supper, and then we had our own small Christmas. When all the gifts had been exchanged, and the dinner tidied up, we dragged their beds into my room and had a very large slumber party.

       On the way to the airport in the morning, as the four of us struggled to carry two people's worth of luggage from flat to bus to tube, we laughed to push back tears. At the airport, tissues were passed out, goodbyes were attempted, final words were choked on, and then we parted. Just like that, it was over. I felt a bit numb as I moved through the airport, alone. A full heart is a heavy burden to bear. All I could think as I sat on the plane as we taxied was, 'I feel very lucky, to have met such amazing people'.

       As every mile between myself and London increased, I took deep, calming breaths, feeling a bit lost and very found, and every glance out of the window reminded me that life is magical and that castles seen from the sky are magical and oceans of clouds are magical, I really couldn't seem to do much else aside from sit in awe of what I had experienced in the past three and a half months.

       It sounds like an exaggeration, or too good to be true. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of mistakes, screw-ups, awkward times (did I tell you about how I fell down some castle steps, or completely forgot my ID the one time I tried to get into a club? Not me at my best, but me all the same).

       But, those were all the pinches for the moments that often felt like dreams.

       I learned a lot about my own mind, which I couldn't have done without the wildly intelligent, kind, and intriguing people that I met along the way. I learned a lot about the world too, and about how I interact with it. I learned a lot about kindness and the Universe. I learned valuable lessons about confrontation, which were stressful, and upsetting, and so very necessary. I learned a lot of Norwegian words, which I was not expecting. What I did not learn a lot about, was creative writing, at least not in the academic sense. Actively writing did teach me endlessly though.

       Just a few nights ago, I saw a shooting star in a sea of other celestial bodies. I have gotten to play with my chickens on the farm, and with our baby cow, who is very hungry all the time because he is a growing boy, and with our baby goats, who are absurdly tiny and very vocal. Also, since I arrived at home, our cat, Tabitha, a proper aloof feline in all regards, has decided that she thoroughly enjoys my company, and will often stretch herself out on the floor next to me for rubs. This is a very large win because she is an adorable, fickle creature.

       Now, as a new year looms before me, although 'looms' isn't the correct word, because looms sounds scary, and while change is nerve-wracking, I have so much to look forward to, as I keep reminding myself, and so much to look back on. So, as the future dawns before me, I feel apprehension, of course, but also great powerful hope and excitement, because there is so much unexpected goodness stored there. I know that it is not always sunshine and even if it were, that I cast my own shadows. Yet here I am, showing my shadows that if I dance, then so must they.  

   Until the next time, or perhaps, until next year,

jess

P.S. I’ve decided to grow my bangs out. If getting bangs signifies a mental break, does growing them out mean I’m starting to figure things out?

[itsbrianasjourney-blog]

Introduction to Me: My Journey

Disclaimer: I started writing this months ago, when I first came up with the idea of getting weight loss surgery and starting up this blog. I only recently finished writing it, though, so... here’s what would have been my first post. Enjoy!

I know what you’re thinking: not another weight loss blog! There’s already tons of them out there, what makes yours so special? And my answer to you is an honest one:

Absolutely nothing.

I haven’t started this blog or my Instagram account with the intentions of becoming a role model for anybody else. I haven’t started it because I believe I have the secret to weight loss -- and if I did, I would be making plenty of money off of that elsewhere. I haven’t started it because I feel like I have useful advice for anybody else that they couldn’t find elsewhere. The reason I’m starting this blog is for me.

A lot of things happened for me in 2016. In May, I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology with a Criminal Psychology cognate after restarting college for the third time. In July, I spent a month in Burbank visiting my sister to celebrate that accomplishment. Within the last few days of my trip, we went to the Universal Studios theme park because one of the few things I wanted to do while I was there was go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We waited in line for over an hour to get onto the one ride I wanted to ride only to get close to the front, have an employee pull me aside to sit in a test seat, and be told I was too big to ride.

In August, I turned 25 years old.

I’ve been overweight for the majority of my life. Looking back at pictures and videos of myself as a kid, I noticed the changes starting to take place in my body when we moved in 2001. I was only about to start 4th grade at the time we moved, so I had spent a majority of my time outdoors when we lived in Florida. We spent a lot of time in the pool or running around in our backyards with our friends because everyone lived on the same street. I lived an active lifestyle because the environment and weather allowed for it.

In Maryland, we no longer had a pool. The houses were spread far apart among hilly roads and there were no sidewalks in our neighborhood that easily allowed us to play without the danger of getting hit. I also hit puberty not too long after we moved. Though I played softball for a few years up until high school, my strategy focused more on the sheer force of my swings so that I could take my time running the bases. Thinking back on it, I realized it was because it hurt to run. Running made me breathe hard and labored breathing hurt my chest, so I would adjust my strategy to allow me to do what I enjoyed while not encountering any of the difficult parts of it. We all want to avoid pain at all costs, but because I was already overweight by this point, it made exercising of any kind difficult.

I’m fortunate that I never experienced any significant joint pain while being obese, but it didn’t make working out any easier. Not only did exercise make it hurt to breathe, but my sensitive skin would start to burn or itch whenever I would sweat. I experienced terrible skin issues for the better part of the final six years we lived in Maryland. Though they’ve mostly cleared up since we moved to Virginia, I still experience the same itching or burning sensation whenever I sweat. On top of that, I overheat easily. All of these factors played into why I avoided working out whenever I could. I knew it would benefit me, but all of the pain that I experienced in the process never seemed to outweigh the eventual benefits that were promised. A mix of less rigorous activity, puberty, and all the dramas that came along with being a growing teenager led me to finding comfort in food instead of friends. By the time I graduated high school in 2010, I was well past 350 pounds.

In 2013, I had made a decision to begin Weight Watchers with my mother. We had done the program once before in 2009 during my senior year of high school and had seen results, but I fell off of the program due to a lack of commitment. This time around, as accountability partners, my mother was able to lose close to 80 pounds and I lost just about 50 by the end of 2015. That was when the company unveiled an overhaul of their program, which left a lot of the foods we had settled into our routine as healthy alternatives or bite-sized snacks to curb cravings with higher point values and left us feeling cheated. We stopped doing the program that December, but we still had our gym memberships.

We had said we would continue working on our weight loss, but it’s easy to say one thing and do another when you prioritize everything else first. There was always something else that was more pressing to deal with that the time. For me, it was my job, then an internship that I needed in order to graduate, and finishing up my final semester of my undergraduate degree with decent grades. Those things were all definitely important, but I managed to trick myself into believing that when it was all over that I would jump back onto the wagon and focus on dieting and losing weight later. I started a low carb diet over that summer, which worked wonders for a few weeks! … Until I visited a friend’s house for a weekend and fell off the wagon. Again.

It seemed like every single time I wanted to put my health first, some circumstance would come into play that prevented me from doing so. Sometimes those circumstances were outside forces, like depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 18 years old, have struggled off and on with it since then, and it has affected not only my eating habits, but also my energy and motivation levels. My mental health was negatively affecting my ability to do anything to help myself and I wasn’t getting help with it. What the rest ultimately boiled down to was the fact that I am bad at telling myself no; if I want something and have the means of getting it, more often than not, I’ll find a way to justify it and do it. This attitude helped me to succeed in getting onto the Dean’s List multiple times in college, but it was also the reason why I had allowed myself to get up to nearly 400 pounds by the time I was 25 years old.

In February of 2017, I made the decision to have weight loss surgery (more commonly referred to as WLS within the online communities I’ve since joined). I got information from the agency that my mother’s friend had gone through, then looked for a therapist who specializes in eating disorders to help me get my mind in the right place for the change. By the end of the month, I was scheduled to have surgery on May 23rd. In three months, I would be on the other side of WLS and I’d -- hopefully -- be better off because of it. If I wasn’t going to be able to tell myself no and enforce it on my own, then I was going to put in a physical boundary that would force myself into saying it.

It wasn’t an easy decision to make, and I won’t pretend like it was. I knew, though, that it was a necessary one that I had to make for myself, and one that nobody else could make for me. I couldn’t think about what others would think of me going through with this, what I could possibly be missing out on if I weren’t able to enjoy food in the same ways that I had been before, or about what could potentially go wrong if I went through with it because I knew what could go wrong if I didn’t. I’m forever grateful that I never experienced any major health complications throughout my life due to my weight, but I’ve heard plenty of stories from others who have that made me want to take the steps towards being a better version of myself; this was one of those steps.

If my story helps someone else along the way, then that’s wonderful! I’m all about advocating for doing what you need to do to put yourself in a better place. If it doesn’t, then that’s fine, too. Documenting my life following this major life decision is and always will be for me, so that I can look back at where I was years down the line and thank the old me for allowing the current version of me to shine through.

My name is Briana and this is my journey.

[laviecarte]

[SAME CLIPS, DIFFERENT HIT]

 I've made a lot of videos for you guys for the past few years. The 2016 year-end video was mainly for documentation. I knew coming into college that the next four years would come swiftly, so I wanted a way to remember the best moments.

But for the following years, this “project” has grown into a weird way for me to express how much I value my time with all of you and how special you all are to me. I always try to tell a story (albeit, poorly) with the clips, most especially, with the songs:

·         Fools by Ransom Collective is about how futile life is. As freshmen, we had no idea what was going on. We were promised that, eventually, we’ll figure things out; but we quickly realized that the more theories, principles, and facts we learn, the more clueless we become. However, the song tells us that regardless, it’s best to enjoy “being fools who are trying to find our own paths”. And it was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone, that I had you with me in that journey to self-discovery. 

·         Just Keep Breathing by We The Kings is about flexibility. 2017 was the year it started to feel “too real”. Yes, this is it, the realization that college isn’t supposed to be easy. That year we learned just how important and difficult it was to get that diploma. But luckily, you were there to remind me to keep going and to take a break every once in a while. 

·         Best Day of My Life by American Authors is about big achievements. In 2018, we saw ourselves grow into students that are capable of so many things. We felt as though we were at the top. Having been fully adjusted to the college life, we have found comfort in the mundane activities of a Thomasian ELS major. We had our groove, the momentum. But, it wasn’t always perfect. Pompeii by Bastille reflected exactly that. With only few semesters left in our safe haven, we felt more fragile, like our sanctuary was being attacked. The pressure of thesis and graduation was stronger than ever. Often times, it seems hopeless. But whenever I was with your company, I feel at peace, like I was back in Room 109. 

·         I Lived by OneRepublic is THE song that perfectly show our victory. Despite all the challenges, we made it. We got through it, a little broken, but still, we made it to the end. It wasn’t just the acads, it was way more. I feel prouder of the fact that we didn’t miss out on any opportunities in college. We worked hard and partied (a little less) harder. We made our marks in ELS and in UST. We lived. 

·         Looking Back by Parachute is my ode and farewell to UST. As it was the home that sheltered us for the past four years, I felt like she needed a proper recognition. This was the bitter side of graduation.

 ·         Have it All by Jason Mraz is my wish for you after graduation. Every word of the song. Also, it shows my hope that our friendship lives outside the 25 hectares of UST.

·         Clearly by Grace VanderWaal is about hope and courage to face the world, or as other people say, “the real world” [as if college was a virtual reality]. It’s also about acceptance that there are things we cannot control – passage of time, being at the top of the list. Somehow, understanding that fact makes things a little easier. 

·         And finally, Minsan (Cover) by Munimuni, closes the loop. We are just as clueless as we were when we first entered college [side note: what a sad commentary about our educational system]. Yet somehow, we are different. We know better than to assume things will stay the same. Needless to say, we are now on our different paths; but that does not necessarily mean an end to our friendship.

 It's true that the first and second part of 2019 felt more like two years than a continuous stretch. While I was editing this video, I realized why - because you're barely in my second half. I have been so used to the cycle of school and was so consumed with the chaos of our last sem together (acads, orgs, and all the drama) that I was never able to say a proper goodbye to that life, especially to you.

 No, this isn't one. Don't worry. Think of it more of a celebration.

 The hardest thing I had to do this year is to deal with the fact that, for the first time in four years, I would not be seeing you everyday, we would not be aiming for the same goals, we would not have the same schedules, we would not have the same deadlines, and that there is a 90% chance that we would never be complete in a gathering ever again. That sounds really dark... but this year, as I’ve said, is also about acceptance, especially of change. Change is always scary. But at the same time, it almost always means growth. And that's all I want for you for 2020. 

I want you to grow as professionals, as law students, or as whatever you decide to be. But most especially, I want you to grow into a person that you'd be happy to be. 

This is also probably the last SPG video I will make (because... I mean... you know... no clips?). I have accepted that we will not be spending as much time in 2020 like we did in the past four years, and that's fine. I'm fine with semi-regular meetings for life-updates, with December picnics, with random group chat check-ins. But I promise to always be there for the big moments.

 I miss you, all!

 Always,

 P

[nisahapsari]

Internship Experience at PT. Tirta Investama (Aqua)

hello it’s been a long time i’m not post anything yet ever since last year. so i do my apologize if there will be grammatical errors because i’ve forgotten my English written skill huhu. this make me cry a lot (sorry for being too much)

This was my college project on 5th semester that started since July, 17 2017 until August, 19 2017. Well, PT Tirta Investama Bandung is located at  Jalan Soekarno Hatta near Rancabolang. PT Tirta Investama is a private company that run in distribution field under the auspices of Aqua Danone Golden Missisippi. Aqua is a company that produce mineral water in packaging. Right after the products is already done in the factory, PT Tirta Investama distributes the products from factory into supermarket,minimarket, hotel, school, government,cafe etc. then, ready to be consumed by consumers.

source : google :( (it’s because the company doesn’t have icon identity in any corner)

the story begin when i came into wrong place, i went into Tirta Utama Abadi which is located in front of Tirta Investama. then i went to Tirta Investama after someone told me where the right place was. the project actually was made into group, so my group member consist of dini, fitri and my self. we went there, and we get safety direction because the area has a lot of trucks that quite dangerous. Fyi, the warehouse has bigger area than the office itself.  

we have to walk  on this yellow path in order to avoid accident that caused by the truck. on this photo we can also see that beside an indoor warehouse there’s also an outdoor warehouse near the parking lot. 

after we passed those areas, we went to the office. first we have to meet Mr. Tb. Sopyan as IR & GA in Human Resource Dept. Room. He is the person who accept us to do internship there. He told us to wear proper either formal or casual and it was not allowed to wear sandals on working days. Working days actually on Monday until Saturday from 08.00 am - 16.00. but because we’re only internship, the working days only ran until Friday. 

this is the front look of PT TIV office. 

Mr TB divided   us into 3 department, the first 2 week i work in HRD. this department consist of 3 positions which are Mr. Toto Suranto as Hr Dept. Head, Ricka Luciana as Company Benefit Supervisor and she also appointed to be my mentor as long as i  did my internship, and Mr TB as i already mentioned him before.

HR Dept. responsible for developing potential skills that the employees have. payroll, leave, allowances, training, mutation, rate the performances of the employees are also their main job task. as long as i worked there Mr. Toto told me a lot of knowledge and taught me huge experiences that i’ve never known before. he told me about, how hard  working environment that i had to face after i graduate, he told be how to be a good HR. you must understand your co-workers, you should listen more often and give positive  feedback. Openness  character are really needed to suit this position. To work as HR  also charged to understand the regulation that government had UU Number 13 year of 2013 about Employment. also during i was there, i was challenged to assess people‘s character by him. it was really hard tbh, but he told me that if i already getting use to it, there will no difficulty to find. in HR dept, i have responsibilities to input employee’s attendance that integrated with fingerprint system, archive employee’s files, validate employee’s allowance, calculating overtime employee’s , make job description that any position the company has. Mr Toto and Mrs Ricka love to talk a lot, sometimes it was hard to me to concentrate between my task and to talk with them at the same time. Otherwise, Mr TB is a serious person that talk less and i have to start the conversation first with him. I’ve made mistakes enough when i validate employee’s allowance because i didn’t do it properly as she wished. it was quite strain for me, bcs this is my first work experience. then Mr Told me that mistakes are common to made so i don’t have to feel afraid. but just remember that mistakes were made to learn not to repeat. he also told me that i have to add more skills such as English competencies, team work capability, public speaking, of course computer skills and do less activities that only waste my time such us hanging out etc. haha i really love hanging out with friends huhu

this is when i worked as HR to input employee’s attendance

On the 3rd week i moved to distribution department. This department responsible for inbound and outbound. i had to directly contact with drivers, because they had to bring documents from us when they take the products/goods from warehouse, deliver it to retail/hotel/school etc and also they need documents from us if the want to return those goods (jug rack, empty bottle). so for 1 week, i have to create BKB (bukti kembali barang), RIT (sales), BTB (bukti terima barang) documents. My mentors as long as i was there are Pak Uhe, Bu Abet and Bu Mega, they’re very friendly and funny. This department requires capability of team work hopefully,  it was really great to work with them. from distribution/warehouse dept. i learnt new software, it was called SAP. i don’t know what SAP stands for, because sadly none of them couldn’t afford to tell. People who worked in this department are divided into 2 shifts, morning and evening. this work was quite boring if you do it  continuously, because we had to work on the desk keep our eyes straight to monitor and typing also printing :’) but gladly, there were pak uhe, bu abet and bu mega that made time flew so fast :’) 

this my work desk, i was creating BKB for the next day.

after a week, i went to finance dept. i was responsible for arranging delivery note, invoice, so on. it was quite boring actually, because i kept on doing the same thing and didn’t get any knowledge at all. The real work of finance dept. wasn’t given to the intern. trust issue i guess. 

and this is my work desk. 

            Actually the place where i sit was for collector dept. in the morning there were many employees who worked as collector and after that they go to collect bill from consumers and they returned about 4 p.m. People there are quite friendly, and they love to talk a lot. until one day I found person who lived around my house and he quite recognize about my family. 

              this was a valuable experience, not all of my friend could have the experience i had. about working life, socializing, problem solving and so on. i got paid but not that much it was only RP 21.000,- each day. so i got around RP 450.000 and also certificate that proved i had been working there. I’ve passed about 5 weeks there but it felt like yesterday, wondering if only i have holiday will i be accepted to internship there again? it was a really worth and unforgettable experience that I’ve ever had.  so lucky to be there, can’t wait until i graduate and find my own job