#also stupidest fashion choice possible since he's always cold
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more childhood AU stuff! nowhere is safe from nikolai.
also i decided that fyodor had a cropped jackets phase at 13 because he thought it made him look older (it didnāt.)
#also stupidest fashion choice possible since he's always cold#it took a restaurant waiter giving him the kids menu for him to tragically find out it did not in fact cancel his baby face#then he switched to another outfit and has not stopped wearing the same goddamn clothes every day for 12 years.#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#fyodor dostoevsky#fyodor bsd#bsd fyodor#nikolai gogol#nikolai bsd#bsd nikolai#fyolai#my art
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Sigi, pt 3
introducing.... ROBERT~ heās a decent guy and all but his choice of occupation is going to provide a few headaches for sigi and i canāt wait. c:
if you enjoy, please leave me feedback! feel free to share as well!
Horrible. Itās the only word Sigi can think of right now. He turns it over in his mind as though heās never really studied it before: horrible. Horrible. Horrible. It starts to sound less and less like a real word, but the feeling of dread in his stomach is no less powerful.
āSigi?ā Johannes has been watching him for the past minute or so, trying to get his attention. āSigiā¦ā He turns away from Sigi to face their professor standing just inside the doorway to his home. āHeās just as shocked as I am, sir. We all are. Poor little Janā¦ā
Sigiās stomach churns as theyāre invited inside, both from horror andā even more upsettingā from hunger. The bloodless body of the small child heād chewed on two days prior is lying on a table, there for people to mourn and pay their respects. The woman seated on the chair in the corner, sobbing softly by herself, must be the mother.
Sigi steps closer with Johannes. Their professor is speaking, mentioning where they found the body, but Sigi already knows exactly where they found it.
While Johannes offers his condolences to the distraught family Sigi leans around the table to get a glimpse of the mess he left of the childās neck. Itās very clear what killed him, he realizes, and he feels his stomach clench again with that horrible mix of guilt and overwhelming hunger. He didnāt expect to have to look at this child again.
Heās brought out of his stupor when he hears the professor say it: a hunting dog. They were going to look for the sick animal and kill it before it could attack anyone else.
āBy the look of the mess, it could be any one of the lordās dogs. We havenāt had wolves here for years.ā
Sigi steps outside quickly, muttering condolences as he leaves, eager to get out of that house before his guilt stops being mistaken for sympathetic shock. Heās shaking out on the streets when Johannes finds him, leaning against a wall and ignoring the people who look at him.
āThat poor boy,ā Johannes whispers, āHe just left the market andā¦ā
Sigi has to bite his lip to distract himself from the smell of the boy, still very present inside that house. It doesnāt smell at all like decomposition to Sigi; it only reminds him of how good his blood tasted.
āSigi? Are you still unwell?ā Johannes reaches up to hold his friendās shoulder. āYouāve been pale lately.ā
Johannesās hand feels hot through Sigiās clothing. Sigi doesnāt feel cold, but he notices how warm Johannes is now. He can't stop noticing it, like how he can taste Johannesās breath whenever he speaks. āIām hungry. Thatās all.ā
Johannes is visibly taken aback. āHungry? Afterā¦ that?ā
Sigi pushes off the wall and walks away. āIāll see you later.ā
āWhere are you going? Weāve food at home!ā
Sigi ignores him, walks faster when he hears Johannes trying to follow. Heād always had longer legs, and he loses Johannes as soon as his friend gives up. He canāt let Johannes know where heās going.
He spends the rest of the day traveling as far out of town as he can get before heās in pain from hunger. He doesnāt come home until hours past midnight, sated, filthy, wide-awake and distraught. When he slides into bed Johannes sleepily rolls over to hold him, and Sigi curls into his warmth and does not sleep.
*
Robert hadnāt gone into hunting because he liked it. There wasnāt much to enjoy about a job like this, and the only hunting experience he had prior to this very particular game was hunting deer in his childhood. No, this was dangerous (some would even argue unnecessary) compared to hunting in order to put food on the table, or even for sport.
This was hunting to keep people safe.
He hated hunting the old ones, but you couldnāt really put it off when you found another one; the longer you waited, the more people you were endangering. At least the old ones tried to be subtle, and smart, and could wait between victims. The young ones were the most needlessly violent.
Both young and old were terrible when they were cornered. It wasnāt really a matter of which was easier to get rid of.
But oh, he hated hunting the old ones. The best approach, or at least the approach Robert vastly preferred, was an ambush. A sneak attack. Sniper shot.
A stake in the heart would work, if you knew where to aim, but that was tough. You had to get in close, and that was probably the stupidest thing you could do. You also needed a lot of upper body strength and fucking ridiculous reflexes. Robert stayed in shape mostly for being able to get away when he mucked things up, and he knew from experience that a stake through the heart was impractical. Pushing forty, he was no Olympian.
Robert had some compromises, to spare himself some grief, extend his lifespan. After all, food chains were food chains, and everything deserved a shot at existingā he tried to do a background check before finalizing the next target. Heād found a few who lived in rural areas and stuck to farm animals; some even raised their own cattle and left people alone. Others still made a point to work in morgues; fresh blood was apparently not mandatory.
He was wary when Sigi was first brought to his attention. He didnāt really care for pop culture so he was behind the times with most celebrities; it was his thirteen-year-old niece who showed him who Sigi was. After heād dared commit the crime of confessing he had no idea who that was, and after sheād gasped and demanded how he couldnāt know, she showed him some magazine articles and bragged about the lipstick she owned. Apparently this Sigi wasā¦ well. Famous, for some reason. Robert just assumed Sigi was a makeup brand, but Sigi was a person.
The photos werenāt that alarming because, being in a fashion magazine, Robert assumed airbrushing and lighting did all the work. He didnāt think about Sigi until a week later, when he heard that name again in a documentary playing on television while he cooked dinner. Struck by hearing the same name so soon, after never hearing it before, he leaned into the living room to watch. This Sigi was narrating a documentary on the history of modern scientific thought, talking about the standardization of the meter and other things Robert had never really wondered about. Curious, Robert used his phone to look up the documentary, to find the narratorās name, and then was interested to see it was the same Sigi responsible for his nieceās lipstick collection.
That led to a brief internet spiral while he finished cooking, in which he checked Wikipedia and news stories, and picturesā candid as well as professionally doneā and before he knew it he felt like he couldnāt even think of food. He found himself leaning on the countertop beside the stove, deep in his phone, staring intently at every picture of this Sigi person and unable to look away.
This was not something common to vampires, at least not in static photos. It struck Robert however that any Youtube results for Sigi brought absolutely no moving images over five seconds long. Sigi visibly disliked being filmed, although he had no trouble offering his voice toā Robert checked Wikipedia againā documentaries, movies, video games, audio books, or interviews.
Heād write it off as eccentricity if he didnāt feel the need to stare at every picture he could find of Sigi, including those short video clips. Sigiā¦ didnāt seem to look right in videos. Which was odd.
Robert tried to go back to his meal, now getting cold on the stove, but heād lost his appetite. Sigi had ruined his appetite somehow.
It came to him about an hour later, while he was avoiding his phone and ignoring the television, trying to clean his gear before he sat down to do a little editing for his day job. A feeling of dread had settled over him since heād looked Sigi up online, and he still couldnāt fully explain why looking at Sigi in pictures was somehow horrifying, but he watched the video clips again and came to the decision that he had another background he should check soon.
This would be the first time heād had to figure out a celebrity target. It would take longer to get the information he needed to make his final decision. Maybe Sigi was just weird. Maybe he was a weird but perfectly normal human. Or maybe he wasnāt a perfectly normal human but he stuck to a strictly small-vermin-and-cattle diet. Either way, Robert had to be extra careful and extra sure if he was going to even consider hunting someone in the public eye like this.
He sort of hated his job.
He worked around his daytime-job-as-editor schedule to make trips to the city Sigi usually lived in. At least as an editor he could get into publishing shindigs if he pulled a few strings, and Sigi worked with a lot of magazines. After getting a temporary spot in a hotel, Robert spent his days trying to figure out some part of Sigiās schedule and his nights trying to sneak ever closer for a glimpse. Heād make a decent stalker if he were any less morally strict.
Part of his hunting, once he got close enough, involved having to hide his face and hide his scent. There were ways to cover enough of his scent that a potential predator wouldnāt recognize him if he was always around, and then suddenly, inexplicably nearby on a dark night in an abandoned street. Robert wore essential oils, a different one every day he knew heād be near enough for Sigi to possibly spot him, and on some days he covered his torso with unsavoury things like old blood from a butcherās shop or, on the worst days, cooled bacon grease. He hated being near potential vampires smelling like a BLT but they didnāt care as much for meat as they did fresh, hot blood.
He tried to stick to essential oils for the most part, but they got costly.
He didnāt have to start coating himself in a different stink for a little while, able to observe from a greater distance, but once he started trying to keep track of everyone Sigi went on a date with he started to worry and move in closer. They didnāt seem to allā¦ go home. Most did. It was hard to spot at first. But nearly one in twelve people didnāt leave Sigiās house after they followed him home from a party. Every twelve dates, somebody vanished.
The longer Robert waited, the more people would mysteriously disappear.
He was careful to make sure, of course, but after he watched twenty-eight different people go home with Sigi and two didnāt leave the house again with Robert watching well into the next day, until Sigi left by himselfā¦ Robert had to resign himself to the fact that he was going to get much closer to Sigi now.
A few more strings pulled and suddenly Robert was editing for magazines that liked to cover Sigiās body of work, whether it was makeup or fashion or art curation or scientific studies. (How on Earth did anyone have so many fingers in so many different fields? Robert had maybe one half of a hobby and Sigi was the Renaissance.) Eventually, someday soon, Robert was going to have to meet the guy face-to-face.
His chance finally came when he got to attend an open lecture at a university, with Sigi as the guest specialist. Sigi was giving a lecture to grad students and Robert was left stupefied just listening to the whole thing. With the documentary narration and audio books, Sigi was likely to have a script; during the lecture he did not hold any notes at all. He instructed everyone present on a very specific period in early modern military history and even answered questions at the end, no script, no notes, nothing. Robert even learned some things about military history that he didnāt have much use for.
Since he was going to edit the brief article about Sigiās lecture today, Robert was able to get close enough to thank Sigi for the opportunity. Close up, Sigi was the single most alarming being Robert had ever had to address.
He was courteous. He was well-spoken. He was a gracious guest and delighted to meet anyone whoād enjoyed the lecture. He shook Robertās hand. Robert was petrified the entire time, unable to string two words together without feeling his innards all clench up.
Looking at Sigi in person, having him look at you and speak directly to you, wasā¦ horrifying. Robert had survived vampire attacks, had hunted and killed some pretty vicious predators, and he had never been as unsettled as he had when getting to meet Sigi. He couldnāt explain how, exactly; his voice was very soothing, as inviting as a voice could be, and if Robert could look away at all without seeming entirely rude he could probably even relax.
Sigi smiled, interrupting himself, and instead said to Robert, āYou seem overwhelmed. Is there anything I can do?ā
Oh, God, when he smiled it was even worse. Robert nearly vomited, so shocked by the sight of it that he almost didnāt know how to speak for a moment. He wasnāt starstruck. He didnāt care for celebrities at allā once heād met his favourite author and was able to have a perfectly civil, levelheaded conversation with her. He wasnāt even interested in Sigiās work, he wasnāt a fanā¦ This wasnāt jitters, this was raw animal terror and unspeakable, indescribable horror given a pretty face and a handsome voice.
āSorry, youā¦ā Robert decided he couldnāt hide it at all even if Sigi hadnāt made note of it. Might as well play along. āI wasnāt ready to meet you in person. And you gave such a wonderful lecture.ā
āThank you. Iām very lucky the university will have me. You have an interest in the subject?ā
Sigi wasnāt dressed the way he was in the fashion spreads or on the red carpet, just a tie and dress shirt under a simple sweater, brown leather Oxfordsā he was dressed more like an academic today, and he was still somehow radiant. Robert had always been mystified by makeup that didnāt intend to look halfway natural and Sigiās red lips were no exception.
Sigi smiled again, making Robert feel more ill. āYouāre staring at my mouth,ā Sigi noted calmly, no quieter than before.
Robert jolted with alarm. āSorry. Myā¦ my niece wears your lipstick. Sheās a fan; she actually had to tell me who you were.ā
Sigiās smile broadened. āOoh. You must live in the woods,ā he remarked, as though he envied Robert.
Robert was trying very hard to remind himself that he couldnāt start to like Sigi even the tiniest bit if he was going to have to kill him. āNot anymore, Iām just hopeless.ā He tried to duck out courteously, gesturing around the room at the bustling faculty and students. āI wonāt take up any more of your time, but thanks so much. It was a pleasure.ā
Sigi shook his hand again. āLikewise. You should attend the lecture next month.ā
Robert nodded, made his way outside, and promptly dry-heaved over a bush behind the lecture hall.
He didnāt hate Sigi, and that was probably the most alarming part of all. He was scary as all hell but he wasnāt trying to be; Robert had met plenty of people through his day job and few had even tried to be as warm as Sigi had been.
It was his face, Robert realized, thinking about it on the way back to his hotel room; Sigiās face was so perfect, so astoundingly beautiful, that it totally fucked with your eyes. It threw off your balance and made you almost motion sick. This wasnāt a thing Robert had noticed with other vampires; this seemed to be particular only to Sigi. Heād heard of the uncanny valleyā this was an uncanny deep sea trench. People werenāt meant to see faces that perfect.
Upon further reflection, Robert couldnāt figure out why he thought of Sigiās face that way. He wasnāt even what Robert found most attractive, superficially. But something about him forced Robert to know, beyond a doubt, that Sigi was so beautiful, so utterly perfect, that he was beyond description. It wasnāt Robertās personal preference; it was a fact. It was awful to look at.
Once Robert felt well enough to take the bus back to his hotel, he spent the next hour or so trying to get more background information on Sigi. He should have guessed heād come up with very little; ten minutes into his research he was digging through blogs that seemed devoted to guessing things about Sigi. All people knew for sure was that he was āprobably from Germanyā, but even that was contested in the comment sections on Youtube. Apparent linguists online would get angry enough to remark on how Sigiās accent was not the typical German accent from any part of the country, so he had to be faking it. Native German speakers would be a bit more optimistic, but still confused.
Sigi did not give people concrete information about himself, it would seem. Nobody really knew how old he was or when his birthday might be, people couldnāt confirm where he was from, and although it was clear that Sigi was well-educated it was hard to find a full list of which schools he had attended. People online argued about that, too.
Just looking at the list of documentaries Sigi had narrated on Wikipedia, Robert felt intimidated. Did Sigi have any level of expertise in all of these subjects? Robert didnāt even care about all these subjects and yet he felt woefully inadequate for about half an hour, before he decided he was just tired and shaken up from having to meet Sigi in person. He went to bed early that night.
A lack of background information at this point was getting more and more suspicious. Robert started trying to dig up anything he could get on Stefan, Sigiās personal assistant. The guy didnāt hold interviews or anything, but he was usually at Sigiās side during public appearances. Throughout the entire lecture Robert could see him standing by the door, holding Sigiās phone and looking vaguely unhappy.
Stefan didnāt seem to do much for Sigi apart from hold his phone and his coat. He had no history with other secretarial positions, didnāt seem comfortable with half of the events Sigi went to, and if there wasnāt proof of Sigi flat-out refusing the idea that Stefan was actually his boyfriend Robert would have to assume that was the only reason Sigi had given him that job. Althoughā¦ thinking back on it, Sigi had visibly ignored Stefan the whole time Robert was at the lecture hall, before and after the lecture itself; Sigi also never seemed to speak to Stefan in public. He kept the guy close but he ignored him. Stefan didnāt try to talk to him, either. They just seemed to barely put up with one another.
Robert didnāt immediately think Stefan might be a thrall, but he looked through all the candid pictures online where Stefan was visible off to the side until he found three in which a neck injury or a bruise were in evidence. Stefan might be a thrall. That might be the only thing keeping him near Sigi. But thralls were usually completely brain-dead until they got near people, which was when they started acting like rabid dogs, no matter how loyal they were to their vampires. Stefan was always in public with Sigi and seemed to be mostly normal, if a little anxious.
Robert pulled some strings again; he was going to attend two more magazine shindigs soon, one to give him one last chance to meet Sigi in person, and one to make his move. If Sigi proved a lost cause at the first event, then Robert didnāt have to attend the second one. He hoped he was wrong about all this and Sigi was just a weird European celebrity and Stefan was just a terrible secretary.
He dreaded being caught. Not because of getting arrested, but becauseā¦ Sigi had a lot of fans.
A lot of fans.
If Robert had to kill Sigi he was going to disappoint quite a lot of people. Possibly ruin a few jobs, given how busy the guy was.
But Robert didnāt do this for the glory or the gratitude or the fun. There was no glory, rarely any gratitude, and he definitely didnāt have any fun doing it. He did this because he couldnāt sleep at night just ignoring them. He kept thinking about the people who didnāt ever walk back out of Sigiās home.
The first shindig was a pretty fancy one. Robert had to rent a tuxedo, although he resisted the brief impulse to get a haircut. He wasnāt trying to impress anyone; he just didnāt want to stand out. And he was on a budgetā he was running low on peppermint oil.
Robert was tempted to get drunk at the bar before he talked to Sigi again. He approached, ready to order two of the most potent drinks and knock them back immediately, then paused when he noticed Stefan wandering closer to the bar. He slowed down to let Stefan grab the bartenderās attention first. Stefan ordered something for himself, nothing for Sigi, and drank it right there.
It would probably be too obvious if he tried to talk to Stefan. Robert wasnāt real good at socializing, he hated parties, and heād always be the guy to leave early. He watched as Stefan walked away, looking sullen as ever, completely ignoring Sigi and apparently only there to hold Sigiās phone.
Robert waited just long enough to swallow two glasses of fruity, sweet cocktails before the liquid courage kicked in. Then he mingled.
It was never hard to find Sigi at these events. People flocked to him, and although his behaviour was always subdued, downright demure, he didnāt really have to work to grab anyoneās attention, either. Robert found him because he just looked for where the crowd was thickest.
Sigi was sitting on a love seat along the far wall, facing somebody seated in the adjacent armchair, holding conversation with a small group. Robert was surprised to see he was holding a glass of somethingā red, yes, but not that particular shade. He was about to suspect the glass was a bluff, a prop, until Sigi actually lifted it to his beautiful red mouth and drank.
Out of nowhere, Robert had the sudden thought: Please, God, donāt let him actually be a serial killer. Not that the alternative was very attractive, either.
Robert made small talk with someone nearby and worked his way slowly closer to the seating arrangements. He felt like he was trying to sneak closer to a python and desperately hoping it wouldnāt notice.
āRobert, was it?ā
It was just his luck that the small group around Sigi had mostly dispersed when he finally got close enough, so Sigi noticed him immediately. Robert prepared himself for the sick feeling to kick in as he moved to make eye contact.
He had just enough time to register that Sigi was dressed significantly less like an academic tonight before Sigi unfolded himself gracefully from the love seat and stood.
āYehā hesss,ā Robertās reply came out in a feeble hiss like the air being let out of a punctured tire. Sigi wore heels tonight. He was already taller than Robert; because of the heels he had to crane his neck to avoid staring directly into Sigiās chest, and Robert was a big guy. āSigi, right?ā he cracked pitifully, taking the manicured hand Sigi offered and finding himself shocked at the strength of the guyās grip.
Sigi smiledā a faint one, but no less alarming to watch. āIām flattered you recognized me. Youāre a long way from the university.ā
āOh, I freelance for magazines. I was in town for family and I got roped into covering the event.ā
āYour magazine pool sounds very diverse.ā
Instead of addressing that, Robert said, letting his genuine surprise show, āI canāt believe you remembered me.ā
āPublic relations is what I do. Where would I be without that?ā Sigi asked, before sipping his drink again.
Thatās right. Robert glanced briefly at the glass to confirm that it wasnāt thick enough to beā¦ damn it, that looked like pink champagne. āWell, isnāt that what you have yourā¦ guy for?ā
Although Sigi had been pointedly spending time with anyone but Stefan so far, his eyes went directly over to the corner in which his assistant currently sulked. āIn theory,ā he said, as he returned swiftly to ignoring Stefan.
Robert didnāt feel like he was boring Sigi, but he wouldnāt be shocked if he was. āWellā¦ I need to go find my dateā¦ā
Sigiās smile widened. Robert noticed for the first time that his eyelashes were nearly white. āYouāre lying to me, you fiendish thing.ā
Robert felt his heart stop beating. His entire body reacted. āSorry?ā he wheezed, trying to laugh but finding heād forgotten how.
Sigi coyly finished his drink. āI saw, you came here alone. No shame in that, of course.ā
Robert tried not to seem as relieved as he was. He could force out that laugh now, although it troubled him to think Sigi might be flirting with him. Even more disturbing was the idea that Sigi had noticed him upon arrival. Heād known Robert was here this whole time. āAh, you caught me. I was feeling awkward after Franklin over there introduced me to his date. I think sheās a model,ā he added. Heād overheard Franklinās friend tell him earlier, exasperated, that nobody cared what his date did, and could he please stop bragging?
Sigi chuckled. āOh yes, Franklin. Great photographer, terrible braggart.ā
Robert was starting to get dizzy looking up at Sigi and watching the red sequins of his outfit flash in the dim light of the room. Somehow he made a dignified escape and mingled a bit more.
Somehow he wound up near Sigi again later, despite his best efforts not to look like he was here to spy on the guy. Sigi didnāt seem to find it odd that Robert kept bumping into him, and by the time Robert was finally able to leave heād almost gotten Robert to feel comfortable near him, if only by sheer force of courtesy.
Mysterious drinks aside, Sigi wasnāt the only person avoiding the hors dāoeuvres, so that couldnāt be taken too seriously. But after a little while Robert noticed that people seemed to actually stop talking when Sigi spoke upā not entirely, but the general volume consistently dropped every time Sigi said anything. Anything. And Robert found himself eager to seek out Sigi by the end of the night, after talking to him thrice, feeling as if heād found something interesting he wanted to tell Sigiā
That was what made up his mind. He was going to have to move in fast at the next event.
He still felt that eager-excited puppy-love as he drove back to his hotel in his rented car. Sigi had done nothing, really, to justify Robert feeling like heād just asked the most popular girl in school to the dance and sheād said yes. Sigi was polite, casually flirtatious at times, but he had done nothing to single Robert out. It had still taken Robert four real attempts before he could actually leave.
Old vampires were very, very good at enthralling a roomful of people. True, Sigi had the added advantage of his shocking beauty, but Robert was almost too afraid to look at him head-on and he was still feeling that feeling two hours after heād left the party.
And it wasnāt as though he looked forward to having to snipe someone, so that wasnāt it.
He had one week to stock up on the right oils and clean his gear. He got started immediately, as soon as he stripped out of his tuxedo and got into a housecoat, to help get rid of that puppy-love feeling a little bit faster. Harder to feel smitten when you were planning an assassination.
Despite his dread for the upcoming event, the week flew by. Robert suddenly found himself re-packing his hunting gear, checking over the necessities, checking the essential oils, double- and triple-checking the cleanliness of his weapon. He wasnāt going to get in close; that was a rookie mistake and usually impractical. If he could snipe his target from a distance, that would be best. Fewer people would suffer. Robert stood less chance of being arrested, too.
In Robertās varied experience, the only things that really killed a vampire were decapitation and a well-aimed hole in the heart. Sometimes decapitation wasnāt fully reliable; a vampire already in panic mode could manage headless long enough to cause some real damage. But getting the heart always worked.
A wooden stake would do it, sure, and Robert had figured out a while ago that the denser the wood the better the attack. Metal piercing the heart didnāt work as reliably as, say, ebony, which was something Robert knew from harrowing experience but couldnāt explain. So he had his bullets made custom out of ebony.
The gun was technically a custom job, too; after a lot of help from the one weird redneck cousin Robert had in his extended family, Robert had made a gun that worked at medium range and wouldnāt totally destroy dense wood bullets upon firing them. It was technically a sniper rifle, but he couldnāt shoot from too far off. Tragically, this meant heād have to get relatively close to his target if he wanted this to work. No distant rooftops tonight.
And so there he was, lurking in the underground parking lot underneath the event taking place upstairs, having doused himself in way too much peppermint oil, kind of burning from the oil and the adrenaline. It took him forty-six minutes to locate Sigiās car; it was another party for wealthy guests, people in entertainment. Everyone had an expensive car. Sigiās car didnāt stand out here, unlike its owner.
He waited between a support pillar and a raised curb on the corner, between the floors in the lot, and watched Sigiās car intently. Anyone who walked past his hiding spot didnāt notice him, hidden as he was beneath a dusty grey tarp; he looked like a pile of construction junk. He smelled ridiculous, too; the peppermint was so strong that he might actually pass for real trash, too much for anyone to really want to investigate.
His heart was pounding in his ears for the first twenty minutes of his vigil. The party was well underway; he saw very few people leave the doors at the far end of the lot, and hardly anyone came halfway to his hiding spot. Most of the people he spotted were obviously drunk, or else high on something, or just too preoccupied to even care if Robert were to stand up, wave his rifle over his head, and yawn real loud. He wanted to, so badly, but instead of standing he worked on methodically flexing the muscles in his legs to keep them from falling asleep.
He didnāt expect to see Sigi until the event was over, but fifty-seven minutes after he found his hiding place, still slowly flexing muscles one at a time to keep himself from getting stuck in position, he got his chance. Sigi himself stepped out of the door to the parking garage, alone. As always, even from a distance it was easy to tell it was him. Much taller than average, long near-white hair tumbling over his shoulders to bounce with every step, heels clicking on the pavement.
Robert was suddenly calm, at peace. All his nerves were forgotten as he focused entirely on the rhythm of Sigiās step as he approached, aiming carefully for the chest, watching him as he came within range.
Robert watched Sigiās face through the gunās scope and was intrigued by the utter lack of any kind of expression. Sigi didnāt even look as if he was deep in thought; he was only walking, doing nothing else. He was just as startling staring blankly at the air in front of his face as he was when addressing someone. For an instant, Robert felt that unwelcome almost-adoration nudge its way into his brain again.
He exhaled slowly, soundlessly, as Sigi reached his car. Sigi lifted a hand to the front door, about to use the key.
Robert pulled the trigger. The gun was muffled, quiet. His aim was good.
At the same time, Sigi twisted to the right.
The bullet pierced a hole in the driverās side window. Robert noticed this exactly when he realized Sigi was staring in his direction.
Gone was the calm non-expression heād worn as he entered the garage. Sigi was not afraidā he was undoubtedly furious.
Quite a good distance away, Robert recoiled as Sigi took a few steps forward, now aimed in his direction. As if heād forgotten Sigi was too far away to strike at him.
Time stretched out. Five seconds felt like five years. In the moments it took for Robert to realize he was still hidden, still far enough away that he could escape with a head start, he saw the way Sigi moved and he was utterly terrified for his life.
He knew now. He knew heād chosen the right target.
The door to the parking garage swung open as somebody shouted, āSigi!ā
Sigi stopped immediately, turned casually to glance over at the door. He was moving normally again, just a pretty man at a party in expensive clothing. With one last glance over at Robertās hiding place, leaving no doubt in Robertās mind that he knew precisely where that bullet had come from, Sigi turned to step calmly back toward the door.
āYou werenāt going to leave us so soon, were you?ā called the old woman at the door, dressed in a glittering cocktail dress.
āI thought Iād brought my glasses,ā Sigi replied gently, his voice carrying well in the quiet garage, āI realize Iāve forgotten them at home.ā
āOh, dear. Iāll lend you some of mine.ā
Robert barely heard Sigiās chuckled response (āThank you, I doubt your prescription is sufficient. Iāll manage.ā) because heād figured out that heād been given the greatest gift of his life: a chance to get out and regroup without bloodshed. He dismantled his gun quicker than ever before, moving too fast for his hands to shake, and before he understood how heād gotten out of his hiding place he was sprinting for dear life, faster than heād ever covered ground in all his years of hunting, knowing heād never be so lucky again. He did not turn around to look for Sigi, knowing in sight of the old woman he would let Robert flee.
Heād parked his car at the outer edge of the property. He leapt behind the wheel and started the engine as he pulled the door shut, screamed out of there burning rubber. He turned so fast he nearly lost control of the car, pulled away from the event, quivering as the adrenaline started to drain slowly out of him.
As he passed the main entrance, seconds away from driving through the front gate, something shattered on the passenger side and hit him hard in the ribs. He yelped but was smart enough not to stop. It took him ten seconds to understand there was a hole in his passenger window.
His phone was ringing.
He couldnāt stop here. He kept driving until he was several blocks away, then slowed down and backtracked a little, before he pulled into the lot of a pizzeria. His car smelled like peppermint.
The phone started ringing again. He shook his hands out and looked for the phone while he massaged the new bruise in his side. āā¦Hello?ā
āWhen do you plan on arriving, Robert? Did you find the venue yet?ā
Oh, Christ. āMiriam, hi! Youāre attending tonight?ā
āOf course I am, donāt be silly. I couldnāt pass up the opportunity to meet Sigi myself! Were you driving up or is your taxi lost?ā
āOh, noā¦ no, Iām driving up. Sorry, I didnāt realize you were waiting for me. Traffic was brutal leaving my neighbourhood, I got turned around once or twice trying to find a creative routeā¦ā Robert squeezed his eyes shut. How hadnāt he known the lead editor and magazine founder would be there tonight? Oh god, he had to change his clothes and wipe off this stupid peppermintā¦
After reassuring Miriam that he was going to be there shortly and heād find her, he hung up and rubbed his face with both hands. He had a change of clothes in the trunk. Always did. He had baby wipes to get rid of the worst of the oils, and some cologne to take care of the adrenaline sweat. He could be ready in twenty minutes, there in twenty-five. He needed to calm down.
At least this would be a good alibi, he reasoned. People would place him there. He was showing up right after the failed snipe, true, but he lived too far away for it to make sense that he could have gone home, freshened up, and come back. He hoped.
He changed inside the car in the dark, wiping every inch of his skin clean of the peppermint oil, carefully applying just the right amount of cologne not to be too pungent again, and left his tie for last. Before he stepped out of the car to adjust the fit of his shirt and jacket, he looked at the passenger window and decided to look for the projectile. It wasnāt a bullet, that was for sureā¦
He found it on the floor, having tumbled beneath the driverās seat. It was a rock, just big enough to sit in his palm, not round but polished smooth. It hadnāt come from somebodyās driveway, it was part of an interior decor. The side against his palm was rough, so he tipped his hand to turn it over.
TRY THAT AGAIN.
Scratched into the stone.
Robert stepped outside to vomit onto the pavement, then put the stone inside the dashboard and got his toothbrush from his bag.
He drove halfway back toward the venue and parked in an underground lot that would cost him more than it would at the venue, then walked the rest of the way. He couldnāt explain a hole in the window very well tonight. At least he was cleaned up, dressed appropriately, and wearing cologne with no trace of peppermint. Heād stopped shaking and sweating. The walk would help to further calm him.
Miriam found him almost as soon as he walked past the coat room. As she grasped his arm and led him deeper through the crowd of people sipping wine and chatting he spotted a bowl of polished stones like the one that had punctured his window.
He didnāt see Sigi anywhere. He wondered whether heād left after Robertās escape. Miriam would have said something, though, since he was there to cover the party and Sigi was a major feature. It made Robert nervous not to know where Sigi was.
Considering how intent he was upon Sigiās possible whereabouts, it was shameful to Robert that he didnāt notice the man approach until Sigi had a hand on his shoulder, pressing gently, as one would greet an old friend. Robert took in Miriamās look of surprise and delight, a complete reverse of the way Robert felt at the moment, before he turned to look.
He expected Sigi to be angry. Of course that didnāt make sense. They were back inside, surrounded by guests, being civil, and Sigi didnāt know Robert had just sprinted away from him in the parking garage, coated in peppermint oil with a gun case tucked under his arm. Sigiās smile didnāt quite seem to reach his eyesā or maybe that was Robertās imagination at work.
Sigi had spoken. Miriam was demanding an explanation as to how he and Robert knew each other. Robert stammered, lost already, ashamed heād missed the start of the conversation because it made him look somewhat more like a guilty party. Sigiās grip on his shoulder didnāt quite tighten, really, but his fingers squeezed briefly, one at a time, as if to playfully tease Robert before his hand slid gently along his upper arm.
It was more distracting than the possibility of Sigi being angry with him. Robert tried not to look like he was reacting to a shockwave of goosebumps all along both arms.
āRobert attended a lecture of mine recently. We keep running into each other,ā Sigi explained, when Robertās stunned silence lasted a millisecond too long. āDivine coincidence, hm?ā
Miriam voiced dismay that Robert had somehow forgotten to mention this to her earlier, while Sigi kept the hand loosely around Robertās tricep. Somehow making it feel less like Robert was being restrained, more like an affectionate touch. Robert glanced hesitantly up at Sigiās perfect pale face for any sign that he was going to die tonight and realized with a sinking feeling that Sigi was being affectionate with him. At least in front of Miriam. It might change as soon as they had room. Robert felt his jangled nerves waking up again, leaving him ready to bolt and, for the moment, clear-headed. It wouldnāt last.
Somehow the conversation between Sigi and Miriam was a quick one. Miriam got Sigi to promise an interview, they arranged a date, and somehow, somehow, Miriam was off with a wink for Robert.
Robert had the ridiculous, terrible urge to beg her not to leave him alone with Sigi, but he reeled in the urge at the last second.
Sigiās grip didnāt tighten up the way Robert expected it to. Rather, Sigi merely lowered his voice, dropped the hand from his arm after a lingering touch, and leaned in.
āApparently someone here is hiding a crush.ā
The tone was soft, discreet, and the words were entirely not what Robert was expecting. Robert felt his face go hot and he looked up at Sigiās face before he remembered how the sight upset him. āIāmā sorry?ā
Sigiās deep red lips pulled apart in a smile as he glanced across the room. āYou arenāt very good at it, mind you, which leads me to believe youāre actually just terrified of me.ā He looked sideways at Robert and the smile turned briefly into a cheeky grin. āAlthough, being freelance, you have plenty of control over the work you take on, donāt you?ā
Robert swallowed twice to get the creaking out of his throat. āYour date must have stood you up tonight,ā he attempted weakly.
It shouldnāt have pleased him that Sigi seemed to enjoy his joke, but it did. Sigi smiled down at him and the sound of his soft chuckle was the warmest, most inviting sound Robert had ever heard. āWere you always afraid to talk to your crushes or am I special?ā he asked sweetly. As if he had never noticed the effect he had on people. As if Robert were the first person to feel uncomfortable near him.
āā¦I was always crap at it,ā Robert admitted, feeling some of the extreme fear drain out of him the longer they spoke. There was still a chance this could go badly. One in twelve, Robert reminded himself grimlyā if the danger wasnāt immediate, there was still that unsettling ratio to keep in mind. āI always thought the girls I liked were out of my league.ā Not a lie; he could talk about high school, no problem.
Sigi tilted his head. His long hair slid forward off his shoulder, bounced and swayed. He smelled so nice. āGiven how anxious you are right now, am I correct in assuming Iām not your usual type, on top of that?ā
Robert, feeling helpless, nodded.
Sigiās gaze flicked down, studying Robert from head to toe. āA shame,ā he hummed, āYouāre definitely my type.ā
Robert was going to die of a heart attack before Sigi could sink his teeth into him. He knew it. āR-really?ā God, he was terrible with flirting. Even if Sigi was just toying with him. It made him nervous coming from anyone and this was Sigi, intimidating enough on his own without the added threat of being a violent predator. This guy had a Wikipedia page so long it took Robert four hours to read itā four hours to get the summary of Sigiās achievementsā and a face that hurt to look at in unexpected ways and here he was flirting quite openly at Robert. Fans and non-fans tended to agree Sigi was one of the most gorgeous people alive and he was flirting with Robert.
He wondered, stupidly, what his niece would say if she heard of this.
Sigi didnāt seem perturbed by Robertās very obvious terror. He nodded, still studying Robert thoughtfully as one would take in a landscape painting. āI like the beard.ā
It occurred to Robert that it would be polite to say something. āThank you,ā was all he could come up with.
Sigi seemed utterly charmed with him nonetheless. He rested the hand on Robertās shoulder again, this time with no doubt that the touch was affectionate, nothing sinister. Thumb stroking the fabric of Robertās suit. āI would love to continue this discussion in a more intimate setting.ā That smile widened imperceptibly again. āIād like to see more of how you talk to your crushes.ā
The rest of the night passed in a haze. Robert found himself back in his car, stupefied and afraid, and utterly confused. Heād started the night prepared to snipe a vampire.
How had he wound up with a dinner date?
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A Note About Confidence
When I was a freshman in High School, about 14 years old, my mother took me shopping. I didnāt have many friends my own age that I went shopping with, so from about the age of 10 to 16 or so I just wore the petite versions of whatever my mother purchased. Business casual, standard sweaters and graphic tees, always tailored the same way. No babydoll tops or cold shoulders, none of the shrunken crinkle shirts that were a fad for about a year in the early āoughts.
We shopped in Womenās Petite in Kohlās, Christopher and Banks- and later, CJ Banks (the plus size version), Coldwater Creek. These places defined my style. It was easy, it was convenient. I was always embarrassed to ask for the things I really wanted. Strappy tanks and distressed jeans, boho-chic that has always had a place in my heart even though I dressed for a day at the āoffice.ā At twelve.
Well, when I was a freshman I got an Easter outfit that I loved. A light pink, daintily floral skirt with an exact pattern matched top. Granted, it probably wasnāt the best choice for my body at the time, one that had always been a little heavier but was now changing with the onslaught of hormones, but I loved it. I wore the pieces separately and together, to school, to church, to a āgirlās night outā viewing of āIce Princessā (remember that one?) It was my first āpower outfit.ā I felt beautiful and feminine and strong. I felt good.
I wore both pieces to school one day. I probably wanted to impress a boy, or a potential friend, or I had send it in my closet and wanted to feel good. So I put it on. As I stood at my locker, an acquaintance I had known for some time approached me and leaned on the locker next to mine. I knew this girl from church, I had seen her at least once a week since we were 6. We werenāt friends, but we were friendly, and I respected her. I turned to her, smiling, and said hello.
She said, āDidnāt anyone tell you not to match patterns like that? Also, the pink makes you look like a pig. Just saying.ā
Crushed is not the right word to describe how I felt. I donāt remember what I said, if anything. I donāt remember what I did for the rest of the day. I donāt remember much of anything, but I do remember these things:
I remember her cadence. Cruel and pointed.
I remember her expression. Full of disgust and and odd pity.
I remember her words, as clear and easily repeated as my own address or phone number.
I remember my heart. How it sank, how it seemed to flow out of my shoes and onto the tile.
I didnāt know that that moment would define the way I looked at clothes for years to come. I had questionable fashion moments, as we all did in high school, and some of them I can recall comically. But they were mostly agonizing. Going to school in something I thought was safe, then being called out on it- I couldnāt bear it. I would often hide away on those days, in a back stairwell or corner of the library, hiding the shame of my terrible outfit on my terrible body so no one would have to look.
In my Junior year I began dating one of my very good friends. We were two of a quintet of friends, four of whom were boys. I was the odd one out in more ways than my chromosomes, I was also the only one overweight.
We flirted with the idea of sex, having endless conversations about what it might be like, what we wanted to experience, how we wanted our first time to be. Never braving the act, but talking about everything you could imagine. Except my weight. When I finally brought it up to him, he tried to assure me that he would love me no matter what, and it didnāt matter. He thought I was beautiful. So I decided to experiment.
As an art student I spent a lot of time drawing bodies. I tried to branch out, but my favorite studies were of plus size women. I loved the curves and soft shadows, I found them easy and fulfilling to sketch. So I did something else we had talked about but never done, I showed him my private sketchbook.
Pure. Revulsion.
Now, ten years later, and nine years removed from him and that group of friends, I know that he was in the wrong. Intellectually I know that he has no power, and should have no power. Just as my acquaintanceās comment should also have and maintain no power over me. But these were both places in which I had felt safety, in which I thought I had felt love, and was turned away in pure disgust.
I had lost 20 lbs in my sophomore year of high school and I was feeling so successful. I had rushed out of the house that morning and was feeling very hungry, so I asked the teacher I was aiding if I could get a granola bar from the vending machine. It was between classes so I thought no one would be down there. I was wrong.
Two boys I did not know nor had ever seen before were there. I kept my head down, arms in, gaze away. Most women know this stance, especially plus size women. Attempting to take up as little room as possible, to become invisible if need be.
Boy 1 āHey.ā Me āWhat?ā Boy 1 āWhat should I get from the vending machine?ā M āI donāt know.ā B 1 āWhich oneās the best?ā M āI-ā Boy 2 āShe canāt choose. She probably eats every single one of them every single day.ā
That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and it still makes me cry to remember it.
Iāve made a lot of changes in my life recently. In my fashion and lifestyle, in my attitude, in my friends. A year ago, six months ago, three months ago- things were so much different. All of the changes have been good. Necessary. Iām moving forward.
But the further forward I go, the further back I look, and the more I want to tell my younger self itās okay.
Itās okay to love that outfit Itās okay to love your body Itās okay to ignore the stupid and thoughtless.
But I canāt. I have to settle for telling myself these things. Every day, at every turn, at every block or bump or change.
Itās okay. To have confidence. To love yourself. To love your life. To love.
Itās okay.
Itās okay to remember, just donāt forget.
Itās. Okay.
#inspiration#2am#2am thoughts#memories#high school#confidence#love#body positive#fat positive#fashion#life#tumblr diary#spring
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