#also since i stopped using weed my nausea has been out of control

[faggling]

I haven't been sleeping or eating or moving enough and I can almost feel my heart giving up

[littlestarlost]

what happened.

All this hunger is Always following us Out where we survive under poisonous skies They’re dreaming, but nobody’s sleeping Just coked hearts speeding See all the gold teeth gleaming See all the young, healthy free men Just move into nothing

(CW: discussion of mental health, trauma, PTSD)

A version of this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for ten months. I know this, because I originally began to write it around late January, just in time for the one-year mark to have passed since I’d last updated Setting Sun. When I posted that most recent update, I had just turned 30 years old, and I promised that it would not be another year before the next update. I wanted, so badly, for that to be true. In hindsight, it’s honestly better that I failed to keep that promise; I fear it might have exacerbated the damage that’s already been done, and made the healing process that much harder.

It’s been nearly two years. I want to talk about what happened.

I first began to write about Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov because I recognized myself so keenly in them; Yuuri’s high-achieving anxiety and imposter syndrome, and Victor’s quietly functional depression. When I found YOI, I was in grad school; I was winning awards, the top of my class, and utterly terrified that it was all a sham. Being able to channel those emotions through these characters helped me realize my own greatness, to embody it and walk with confidence and bravado. It allowed me to go into my post-degree job search with my head held high, trusting that all the lessons I had learned would lead me to professional success. Yuuri and Victor walked through life with me, two shadows of my own psyche, two people who helped me understand myself.

The first few months of the job were fine. Then things became less than fine, and then continued to descend into the kind of mundane nightmare that only multinational corporate legal firms could manifest. Setting Sun, a story about love and self-acceptance and joy, began to twist around in on itself. I don’t want to go into detail, but suffice to say that I spent nearly two years being gaslit and abused, told I was worthless, constantly having panic attacks as I desperately tried to exert control over things that were way over my head. My body betrayed me; I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk, so stressed I couldn’t bring myself to eat unless I’d smoked weed to calm the nausea. I began to believe that I had peaked in grad school, that I was fooling myself, that I was going to be trapped in that cubicle for the rest of my life, doing grunt work without challenge or interest, in the kind of workplace where you get reported to HR for sighing too loudly. That is a thing that actually fucking happened to me; nobody asked why I might be sighing, and nobody stopped by to check in when I spent most days in tears. This was a place where less than half the people in the room put up their hands when asked if they had ever been creative as kids. This was a place where I almost never got to see the sun.

Because I was massively overqualified and even more massively underworked, I spent a lot of 2018 writing fanfic--my zine pieces, my zutara pieces, all sorts of creative things. I also began to write horror AUs; two stories, in particular, gained a fair amount of traction on this particular platform. When I look back now, I see them for the coping mechanisms that they were; in the case of the crossroads AU, where Yuuri is willing to sell his soul to the devil just to escape his commute, it wasn’t even particularly subtle. I poured all my energy into creative pursuits; it’s been my outlet my whole life, and for a while it helped. By the time I hit the SCP-9874 AU, I burned out so profoundly and utterly that it destroyed my relationship to YOI and cauterized the pieces. SCP-9874 was one of the most creative things I’ve ever done, but it also involved what is, in hindsight, a shocking level of violence and horror inflicted on these characters who were such a close part of me. I was doing this to them because I was hurting, all the time. I now recognize it as the cry for help that it was, and to this day I fantasize about taking down all the SCP-9874 posts and excising that portion of my legacy as much as possible.

I wrote Setting Sun’s 21st chapter in honour of my 30th birthday, in late January of 2019. Somehow, at the time, I didn’t realize how rough it was. How much it implied about me and how I was doing. How much it reflected the true extent of the damage I was suffering. I left Victor and Yuuri in an abandoned apartment with more questions than answers and more regrets than they or I had ever thought possible, and I thought, somehow, that this was a good turning point. Little did I know at the time that the worst was still to come.

I was able to finally escape that toxic office last October, when I found a new job that paid nearly double and was everything I wanted to do in life and more. But  Yuri on Ice hurt too much to think about, even as time marched forward and I began to heal. I had PTSD flashbacks to the old office; I dealt with echo upon echo of terror that everything would fall away to reveal I was trapped in the same old nightmare again. In January 2020, I actually took a few days off for my birthday and reread Setting Sun from the beginning, and I’d somehow forgotten how funny it is, how sweet it is, how hopeful. I had completely forgotten; it had been burned away by twenty months of agony. That realization hurt more than all the other ones put together, I think. I had a good long cry over that.

Fast forward to now, and people have started to find Setting Sun again. They’ve found it on and off in the months since I updated, and for a very long time I would read the truly lovely comments people wrote--thanking me for writing it, hoping I’d come back someday, wishing me well wherever I was--and I would dissolve into tears because I just...couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to go back to this story that I could no longer recognize myself in. And nowadays, when new commenters come, I will warn them about that last chapter I wrote, because I can recognize it as the outlier it is.

But something has very recently changed.

I couldn’t necessarily tell you exactly what. Maybe it’s that I passed the one-year mark at my new job, and the last of the poison has finally been excised. Maybe it’s because I’m looking at all my writing with new eyes as I prepare to try doing this for a living. Maybe it’s because it’s 2020, and the rules aren’t really relevant anymore. I don’t know. But I can say that, two weekends ago, I opened Setting Sun, and realized that it didn’t seem impossible anymore. I realized that the boys had been through more than enough. We’ve been through more than enough. We deserve the happy ending I always planned to give them, going back four whole years when I first planned out this massive weird tale.

It’s been a very long time. It’s been exactly long enough.

I can’t promise exactly when the final chapter of Setting Sun will arrive. I’m walking back onto previously thin ice, and my footsteps are more than a little hesitant, so as not to cause any undue cracks. But I can remember the joy and humour and fun again; I can conceive of jokes and silliness and sweetness again. My playlist is filling up again, with songs of hope and love instead of anguish and sorrow. The Yuuri and Victor who sit inside my heart are skating; the music is carrying them, the wind is rushing past their ears, their feet feel light again and they want to jump and take flight and make beautiful things.

I have bookended this post with lyrics from a song that’s been on the maybe list for Setting Sun for nearly as long as Setting Sun has existed. It’s a song I love quite profoundly, a song that means a lot to me personally, but I could never manage to make it fit. It’s a song about running away to the big bright city, about being broken on the world’s wheel, and about realizing you just want to go home. It’s a song that’s ostensibly about the tragedy of this process, but right now I’m sitting at my desk, listening to the line I, I, I wanna go back, back, back, back, with grateful tears running down my face, and I’m realizing that it’s not part of Yuuri’s story, nor Victor’s; it’s part of mine. Home may never be the same as when you left, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t waiting for you with open arms.

So that’s what happened.

Put my body on a wagon And carry me off to the ocean Let me float on into the eastern sun Out where tomorrow has just begun Where I used to be wild, back in my time Now I just fight to sleep at night So render me up into the elements Lay me in a light that I can trust Lay me in a light that I can trust Lay me in a light that I come from...

(Gold Teeth, by Hey Rosetta!)

[angrypixie-sarisa]

Just friends

Piedras rodantes pt.21

Sam xMexican!Witch!fem!readerx Dean (polyamorous)

Summary: ever since the trip to San Salvador, Dean has been thrilled with the extenses of your magic, making you feel quite burned out. That and also combined with the fact that Crowley got something brewing up. And to top it all up, we have some delicate jealousy. All to make the perfect disaster, altough something might be missing, or rather someone.

“Hey! We should go to Guadalajara.” 

You sighed and placed the knife you were holding down besides the cutting board that presented some cucumber and jicama already cut in long skinny pieces. You turned around to watch Dean enter your kitchen from your supplies closet. You never thought he'd be the one insisting in using this magical shortcuts but boy, you were wrong.

"Again? What do you want from Guadalajara now? We've just went a month ago."

"Exactly, it's been a month, it's too long."

You rolled your eyes and went back to place your vegetables in a bowl and prepping them with chile en polvo and chamoy, whilst murmuring "not long enough". 

Just as you were going to bring him back to earth, his cellphone rang. You closed your eyes and let your head fall back to your shoulders, you took a deep breath and whispered a thank you to whoever had blessed you with the interruption. 

“I gotta go.” His voice sounded closer than before. His finger tapped you in the arm, bringing you back to reality. 

“See ya.” He said before placing a kiss in your cheek. Act that left you astonished, but he didn’t have the chance to see it, because he quickly went back to the place he had come from. 

You sighed and closed sloppily the portal. You placed your hand on your left elbow, your hunger already replaced by nausea. You took the bowl filled with your snack and placed it in the fridge for later. Then you messaged Diego to open a portal for you, which he did gladly. 

He was waiting for you at the other side, reaching for you as soon as you stepped through the veil and into his room. He hugged you and placed a kiss at your temple. It seemed that it was something that had been repeating itself. 

“Cuidado.” You whispered. 

He let you go and watched your figure go as you made yourself comfortable in his bed. He studied your aura, your energy’s radius was short and it seemed that a greyish green was taking over all the colors surrounding you. 

He closed the portal and went to take out his pipe and weed. 

“What happened? You’re always real careful not to overwork yourself.” He prepped one pipe and went to prep the next one. 

“Tengo un corazón muy estupidamente grande.” You groaned onto his pillow. 

“¿Sí? ¿Por qué es eso?” He sat next to you, waiting for you to sit as well, before handing you one of the pipes and lighting it up. 

You took a drag, before answering. “Tal vez, sólo tal vez, I’ve been opening too many portals this past months.” 

“Months?!” 

You shrugged, letting the smoke out. “He’d never seen the beach or another country. He has never experienced something else than hunting.”

“You did this for him? Just him?”

“I suggested I’d plan for them a family trip but he reclined it.” 

“Selfish.”

“Mucho.” In unison, both of you took another drag and let out once again the smoke from your mouths. 

“Just today he came to me, asking if I wanted to go to Guadalajara.”

“Did you turn him down?”

“Didn’t get a chance. Lisa saved me, I guess.” You placed your head on his shoulder and he patted it softly. 

“Ay niña.”

You sighed. “Ya sé; tendré que hablar con él… Cuando no me duela el brazo.” You took in a deep breath, coughing a little bit at the tingle in your lungs. 

“¿Y tú? Me saludaste muy amoroso cuando entré.”

You both waited to finish smoking so the conversation would flow easier. 

“Te extrañaba.” He took your hand in his, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb. 

“¿Y?”

“Tyler fue a pasar el fin de semana con su familia.”

“¿Y son buenos?”

He shook his head. 

“Sí pero podrían ser mejor. Sabes son de esos que dicen que está bien pero no están dispuestos a escuchar de la relación. Except for his brothers and cousins. And I’m… I’m just a little worried for him.” 

You groaned in disapproval. 

He slipped down and turned so he would hug your waist, placing his head on your chest. You started playing with his hair, careful not to maneuver your left arm too much. 

“Don’t you feel like the energy is a little weird right now?”

“Thank you for saying that, I thought I was the only one who felt it.” You said, squinting your eyes. “It’s as if something isn’t quite in place. You know when you’re completing a puzzle and you use a piece that fits physically but in the picture it’s something completely different?”

“Yeah. It feels like that, right?”

“It feels exactly like that.” You both sighed. 

“Well, we only have to endure it.” Diego said. 

“If it were something natural we would, but it feels��”

“Supernatural?” 

You nodded as your head started to ache. Recently, you were having constant headaches and you thought that it was only the beginning of something worse. 

“Where are you going?!” Lisa called back as Dean stood underneath the doorway. 

“I need more supplies for the new job and…”

“And you thought of stopping by at Y/N’s?” She was already by his side, sweet smile on her face, even though her thoughts weren’t as sweet. 

“Yeah, why?” He asked nonchalantly, as if it was obvious. “I asked Ben if he wanted to come, but he said he wanted to hang out with his friends and you have that dinner you wanted to attend to.” 

“Right but, I wanted you to come with me.”

He frowned. That was weird, when it came to couple’s stuff usually it meant a night in, in the comfortable intimacy of their home. It wasn’t as he wasn’t excited, but she had never invited him before. 

“Oh. that’s new.”

“Yeah, is that alright?” 

He smiled affectionately at her. “Of course it’s alright.” He dragged her close to him as he kissed her sweetly on the lips. She hummed at the affection in the kiss, which made all of her insecurities drift away, for the moment. 

“You really are playing with fire here, little one.” Crowley’s voice sounded behind you. You didn’t even flinch; instead you sighed and continued spraying water to your plants. 

“And why would that be?”

“Please, don’t tell me you’re not seeing what’s happening here.”

You shrugged and placed your spritzer on the coffee table. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  You said as you went to get your cup of wine, which you left at the other side of the table. 

“Oh, come on! Another Winchester? I thought that with your friend’s warning it would be enough, but it seems you are really stubborn.”

You sighed, sitting down at your couch, kicking your feet up the coffee table. 

“It was fate, not me, okay?”

“That's the oldest cope out ever." He said as he sat beside you, crossing his arms. 

"It's not a cope out. You know better than anyone the lengths I went through so I wouldn't find him coincidentally again, you know after the shadow travel thing." 

"Yeah, I'm still mad about that." 

You glared at him. "You and I both know you cannot stay mad at me." 

He resisted the urge to shove your face in the opposite direction so he wouldn't have to endure your gaze. "Shut up." 

You giggled and hugged his arm, leaning your head on his shoulder. "Why are you so worried?" 

He sighed and tried to avoid the stiffness that wanted to take over his body. 

"I just don't want you to get hurt. And I know that if you get stuck with the Winchesters you will end up badly broken." 

You skipped a heartbeat at his words. He said Winchesters, plural not singular. He knew something that you didn't, you were sure of it. Your intuition kicked in and suddenly, the dots started to connect slowly. Something was coming and whatever it was, it was part of Crowley's plans. That's why he kept warning you over and over again to get away from Dean, he didn't want you to get in the middle of the cross-fire. 

You sighed, hugging him tighter. You always did that, but not even him could tell the difference between a tight sweet embrace and a stiff calculated one. 

"I love you, Crowley. But I'm not a child."

Your phone rang just after you ended meditating. You sighed massaging your temples before answering, thinking: Perfect timing, Dean. 

“Hi.” You said groggily. 

“Hey. Did I wake you up?” He asked, a little thrown aback, he wasn’t expecting you to be asleep so early. 

“No, I just came back from meditating, I’m a little groggy.” 

He frowned, not getting why you would come back groggy from something like that. 

“Okay, hey, Lisa and I are going out, could you watch Ben tonight? If it’s not too out of the bat.” 

You took in a deep breath. Normally you wouldn’t hesitate but recently everything just felt wrong, like nothing you did had the result you were expecting and you that you had a lack of control over the simplest things. Your intuition had a rough time ass well, the only good kick it had so far was when you were with Crowley. That demon had something boiling up and you were determined to find out, something you wouldn’t ever do, because you’ve never cared enough. But this time, he was really messing up with the big stuff that it had a direct effect in the whole world. And you been connected to the world, well, it affected you and your coven in an awful lot of way. 

“Or do you have plans tonight?” He asked. You had no idea you had disconnected from the conversation.

“Oh, um, no, I mean I don’t have plans, I’ll gladly watch Ben.” I hope this doesn’t backfire, I already have too much in my plate. You thought. 

“Great, thanks.” you could hear the smile in his voice and you couldn’t help but giggle. 

“You’re welcome, Winchester.  But I expect something in return.” You teased. 

“Oh yeah? Like what? I ain’t helping you get rid of that creepy spider.”

“What Eugenia? She’s chill, she helps me not get bitten by mosquitoes, I would never kick her out.” 

He rolled his eyes, of course you would let a creepy potentially venomous spider stay at your home. Although you would probably argue that almost all spiders, if not all, are venomous just in different dosis. 

“Alright, then how?”

He thought you would be shrugging, he had a feeling you were shrugging. “I don’t know, I’ll think of something.” 

“Y/N.” He warned you 

“What?! Maybe I’ll ask for a lift someday, you don’t know that. But I can assure you it won’t be something out of the other world. ‘kay?” 

“Fine, but I expect the right to refuse if it’s something too wild.” He saw Lisa enter the living room with a smile that faltered for a moment when she saw him on the phone. 

“Of course, I’m not that cruel. Expect me there in a minute, maybe two.”

“Alright, bye.” He hung up the phone, reaching immediately for Lisa, planting a kiss on her lips. 

“So, you were talking to Y/N?” 

“Yeah, I asked her to watch Ben, she’s already on her way.” Her breath hitched a little bit, but she managed to stay smiling and nod. 

“Great.” She fiddled with her fingers at the back of his neck. And curse him and his keen eye, because he knew something was not right. 

“Wait, what’s wrong?”

She hesitated, fiddling with her fingers a little bit more before answering. 

“I don’t like it when you spend a lot of time with her.” 

He gulped. “Okay?”

“It’s just, I feel, every time you spend too much time with her… I don’t know, it’s like you-” She bit her lip before continuing. “-like you forget about us for a moment. And it’s the tiniest moment-” She rushed as she saw him open his mouth to answer. “-but it happens. It’s not like a I don’t like her, I do, but I think we could step back a little bit. She has her own life after all. Not everything’s about friends, she could be dealing with other things too.” And it was true, she did think of that too, but that didn’t hide the fact that she was growing a little jealous. It would be a lie to say that she didn’t have a little pride for being one of the people Dean trusted in. So when she saw him open up to you as well, it was like a hit in her ego. And she knew it was ridiculous, although you would probably say that she was entitled to feeling that way. As you had said once, a little jealousy was okay, it was when it was getting out of hand that it needed to be taken care of. 

He took a deep breath in. He did had his head deep in magic since he found out of the doors. A little bit of grounding would be good for him. “Okay. I guess, uh, I got too carried away, huh?” 

She laughed, relieved to hear those words coming out of his mouth. “Just a little bit. But we…” She kissed him in one cheek, then the next, before lightly her lips to his. “...can fix that.” 

“Listen here, buddy! If you think you will win this hand…” You arched your eyebrow at Ben, who was laughing his ass off at your funny faces. He tried mimicking them once, but he just looked funny, not in the purpose of the faces but just in a failing manner. 

“...Then you’re right! Dang it!” You said, tossing your cards on the table, revealing your pathetic hand. 

“Yes! The treasure is mine!” He screamed as he claimed the m&m’s in the center of the table. 

“Alright, alright. Calmed down, Smaug. You won’t be eating those before the pizza gets here.” 

“Smaug? Pssss, what a nerd.” 

You gasped, making your most offended face ever, before smiling. “Thank you! That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Nerd.” 

“What?! I’m not a nerd.” 

“Sure, sure, let me just ask you something. How did you know Smaug’s a nerdy thing?” You saw him blush and stamer as he tried to justify his nerd ass. 

“You read the Hobbit! You’re a nerd just like me!” 

“Shut up! I had nothing to do and I already had finished all my videogames and…”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. You certainly didn’t care enough to learn the name of the characters. Oh, wait…” You laughed and he tossed candy at you, intending it to hit you, but you just made it land in your mouth and ate it. 

“Dang it! Stop it, Y/N, I want it to hit you!” 

You shrugged. “Sorry, you just have to have better aim. He, he.” And just as he was opening his mouth, the doorbell rang. “Pizza!” You both yelled. 

It was more late than they normally arrived. Ben was already asleep up in his room. You however, were reading on the couch, trying not to sneak glances at the window with every passing shadow. Now that you knew it wasn’t something specifically caused by you, like your own paranoia making you see things that weren’t there, you had a better way of thinking and analyzing the situations. 

Just as you almost complied and looked through the window angrily, you heard the lock of the front door turn. Dean and Lisa entered and you sighed in relief. Perfect timing. 

Lisa’s gaze was the first to land on you. And you perfectly saw how her smile faltered for the slightest moment. 

“Hey.” You whispered, not knowing why but you didn’t want to speak to loud. 

“Hi. Is Ben already…?” 

You nodded with a small smile. “Yeah.” She nodded with a smile like yours before telling she was going to head upstairs to her son. 

When she was upstairs, Dean came into the living room, stopping in front the couch you were at. 

“Hey.”

You arched your brow at him. “Hi?” 

“Uh, can we… Can we talk?” 

You frowned and shrugged. “Sure.” He motioned with his head towards the door, before heading there himself. You followed him, picking up your stuff as you made your way out. 

“Qué paso?” 

He scratched the back of his neck, looking at the pick up, the grass, the porch, anything but you. 

“Dean? What is it? Surely it can’t be that bad.” 

“It’s just…” He sighed, rubbing his temples. 

“Lisa’s… a little bit jealous.” Then he looked at you and your surprised face. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” You said whilst hugging yourself. It was surprising, you never thought she could get jealous, after all Dean was a friend. Just a friend. Did she think you wanted to screw up her relationship with him? 

“She just thinks we spend too much time together.” You nodded for him to continue, but that was it. He shrugged. There was nothing else to say. 

“Okay, then. So we spend less time together.” You shrugged, surely it wouldn’t affect you, that way you could get a break from the overwhelmingly use of your magic. 

“Yeah, I know, it’s just…”

You smiled, laughing to yourself as those words escaped his lips. “Ah. So you’re bothered by this.” 

“Only by the idea that she’s jealous. It’s… it’s not like we spend that much time together or that I would do anything or you for that matter.”

You nodded, crossing your arms over your chest. “I know, but we have to respect her feelings. And just make it clear that we’re…”

“Just friends.” You both said, and you couldn’t help to smile at each other. 

“Jinx, you owe me, Winchester.”

“Oh come on!” 

You shrugged as you walked away from his porch. Something told him that you were shadow traveling home. “Ni modo, mijo. ¿Pa’ qué se duerme?”

You checked your purse as u exited your home. Everything that you needed was there. You turned around and locked your door, recasting every security spell that started to wear off. You were meeting Dean at a bar, you’re meetings had become less frequent for Lisa’s sake and he had told you that it actually helped. This time in particular had been quite long since you two had hang out together so it was refreshing to see him again and hear his stupid jokes. 

Just as you were heading out, you heard a rustle near your bushes at the side of your house. You neared them cautiously. Maybe it was a cat that wasn’t Shcrödinger. But it didn’t feel like a cat. 

You were a few steps away when… “Don’t!” Impossible. You turned your head but your vision turned blurry, you could only make out a tall figure running towards you, but that voice. 

“Sammy?”

[selfinsertdabi]

umbrella academy mpreg stuff cool cool

this is the longest thing you’ll get out of me

Klaus is messy. Klaus can't keep a job. Klaus never learned how to control himself when he drinks. Despite all of that -- despite how much of a disaster he is, despite how desperately pathetic and lonely and *sad* that he is -- Dave loves Klaus, for everything that he is and everything that he isn't, and Klaus knows he'll never find anyone this good, this pure, this *beautiful* ever again in his entire life.

Sometimes the cosmic forces in the universe give you good things, and sometimes they don't, but Dave is a miracle that saved him from hitting his twentieth overdose, and he doesn't even *care* about all of the times he said he'd never fuck a soldier, never be with someone that would defend the mockery of their country, but shit happens, and here he is.

Dave loves him -- loves *him,* and he can hardly fucking believe it, can't believe it even when Dave's balls deep inside of him, even when Dave's slow dancing with him to some sixties song in the middle of his living room, sings Elvis to him and makes him feel like he's on top of the fucking world.

Sometimes the cosmic forces in the universe give you bad things, and Klaus is about to learn just how quickly he can turn a situation around if he has to.

xxx

The first sign is that his nipples hurt. They ache, and not in a good way -- Klaus is fine with getting his nipples played with, but he can't even graze his arms against them without wincing in pain; and then, one morning, he wakes up -- totally sober, mind you, he's been good at keeping that up for a while -- and leans over the side of the bed, promptly hurling everything in his stomach onto the carpet. Again, this isn't *unusual* behavior for Klaus, but he's *sober* right now, hasn't touched anything in *weeks* (besides weed. and cigarettes. and a little bit of coke at that one party. but that's it! he swears.)

The third sign, the most pivotal one, is that he's so tired he can't get even get out of bed -- not even when Dave orders copious amounts of alfredo from that one pizza place down the block, they have the best hangover food -- and this goes on for about four days before Dave demands that he go to the doctor, hell, not even the doctor, fucking express care works -- but Klaus is not a fan of the doctor, with the poking and prodding and the constant looks that silently call him a junkie.

Dave's upset he won't go; says that it could be something bad, something he caught before they were together that didn't even manifest until now, and that argument ends with Klaus slamming the bedroom door, and his boyfriend doesn't even sleep in his own bed, instead on the couch.

He kind of knows what's up when he wakes up and vomits for the fifth day in a row. It's some sort of second sense, this weird feeling he can't shake, and he sneaks out when Dave's in the shower, books it to the Walgreens on the corner, steals what he needs (and a bag of skittles for good measure), comes back to the apartment within ten minutes, and Dave is none the wiser.

It's a good thing they all learned how to sneak out this early on.

He doesn't even do what he has to do at the apartment; he goes back to the mansion, crawls in through an unlocked window (ever since their dad died, the security around the place has been a little lax), and he's relieved that the only person he sees is his mother, who welcomes him (despite the fact that it's two in the morning) with her usual robotic grin and wave, which Klaus returns, scurrying around the corner -- and, of course, he promptly bumps right into the chest of his oldest brother, the huge, hairy, apeish chest of Luther Hargreeves, and Klaus just crookedly grins up at him.

Spaceboy is *not* amused. Luther plainly sees the box in his hand, snatches it from him, and Klaus stands there, dumbly -- he can't even protest, who the fuck is gonna protest against Luther, he's fucking seven feet tall and his fists feel like cinderblocks (and Klaus knows what cinderblocks feel like, he's been beaten up enough times.)

"... " Luther stands there, looking at him as if almost in disgust; throws the box on the ground, leaving Klaus to scrabble and snatch up the plastic off the floor, protesting with a "what the fuck, du -- " before Luther calmly tells him to shut the hell up.

"You know this is *your* problem?" and Klaus just looks at him, nods, and Luther keeps staring down at him stonily. "I hope you're not coming here running for help. No one is going to rai -- "

"I *know*," Klaus says, plainly, "you don't have to tell me twice." Luther keeps staring at him, stares back at the floor, strides down the hallway like the huge fucking behemoth of a man that he is -- but he stops, right at the doorway, turns to look at Klaus.

"I can't believe you could even consider this. Knowing what kind of responsibility is on our shoulders. I can't, Klaus."

Klaus says nothing, and when the stick shows two blue lines, he throws up.

xxx

Dave was *thrilled.* Klaus knew he would be; knew that that big dumb puppy (said fondly) would be nothing less than *ecstatic* when Klaus told him he was pregnant. He crushed him in a hug, swung him around in circles in the living room; Klaus laughed, accepted the flurry of kisses brought his way, ended up throwing up again when he got dizzy.

He had the first appointment, already -- he didn't know that they stuck a probe inside of you that early, he was always under the assumption that you got the gel smeared on your stomach or something -- got to hear their baby's heartbeat, the fast, little rapid thump thump (it sounds like a horse galloping, Klaus thinks), got to see the tiny, strawberry sized kiddo inside of him.

It was odd. Really odd. There's an entirely new creature inside of him, a human being that *he's* responsible for (and it is him, he thinks, it'll always primarily be him, even if he and Dave broke up, the courts always side with the parent that birthed the child, but he is a former prostitute-addict-homeless person, so he doesn't know how well that'll go), and it's wigging him out that it has a heartbeat, a little tiny wriggly blob that will eventually become a person with likes and dislikes and a *soul,* and he's caught up all of a sudden, because he's been in his room at the mansion (he hangs out there just as much as the rest of them, usually when Dave is at work) looking at his ultrasound photos in a big manila envelope, when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

He's convinced it's Luther, but it's Diego -- and he sighs, slaps at his arm, calls him a dickhead, and Diego just points at the pictures.

"Mind telling me what those are?"

Klaus just blinks, and he knows he looks stupid.

"Man... are you high? I knew, I already fucking knew, Luther told me all about you coming in here last month and -- "

"*Fuck* Luther," Klaus drawls, and he tosses the envelope onto Diego's lap. "There's your niece or nephew. They've got working arm joints and also give me this thing called round ligament pain. Fucking sucks. Feels like I pulled the muscles in my stomach, but inside."

"That's enough," and Diego takes them, looks at them, and Klaus swears he can see what looks like longing in his eyes, some sort of what could have been, but he shakes his head, pushes it down, and Diego just makes a small sound.

"Looks like a blob."

"No, no, look, here -- "

And it's a nice day for Klaus, after all.

xxx

Allison's apartment is *so* much nicer than a halfway house, Klaus thinks, as he flops back on the king sized guest bed -- a fucking king sized guest bed? Is she fucking joking? -- and idly lays his hands on his belly, poking and prodding at what is now an obvious bump.

Well, it's not *too* obvious, only if he wears tight clothes and isn't covering up with a coat, but it's *there* and it's *real* and he can't even keep thinking about this, because as soon as the nausea stopped, his hormones kicked into high gear, and the only thing Klaus can even think about is sex.

Dave's on a work trip for the rest of the week, so he's not fucking anyone in particular, and he eyes up one of Allison's body pillows for a second, before the door opens and he sits up, abruptly, because even if he's not doing it now, he's used to doing shady shit that gets him caught up, so it's an instinctive reaction. His shirt's messed up, rolls up his stomach just a little bit, and he can tell that Allison sees the swell before he yanks his shirt down.

"I'm not doing heroin in your apartment again. Promise, Allie."

She scoffs, rolls her eyes, sits down on the bed next to him.

"Nobody said you were doing *heroin,* Klaus," and she smiles a little, her eyes drawn to where one of his hands is idly on his belly, protective for next to no reason, but that feels instinctual, too.

There's an odd silence, and she swings her feet a little, before she laughs some, breaches the gap. "You're showing? Like. Showing showing?"

Klaus nods, pulls his shirt up a little without thinking, and Allison makes the smallest of sounds, reaches her hand out without thinking, before pulling it back.

"Christ, I'm sorry, that's so rude, and that's coming from someone who was actually pregnant before -- "

Klaus takes her hand, wordlessly, presses it to his belly, and though nothing's moving inside yet, Allison still *smiles.*

"He's really there," she breathes out, and Klaus nods; all of a sudden, his throat's dry, he feels fear pricking at the corners of his mind, but he thinks of Dave, Dave and his big frame and big arms and that outdated cologne, and it brings him back down to reality, calms him a little, and Klaus sighs.

"Yeah. Isn't it crazy? Whole ass little minnow, swimmin' around in there... "

"I think it's *beautiful,*" Allison says, quietly, and tears spring to the corner of Klaus' eyes.

xxx

He has his second ultrasound, and Klaus declines to find out what the baby is -- he wants it to be a surprise, and besides, there are too many societal expectations put onto people anyway concerning sex and gender. Whatever his kid is, it's fine by him.

Dave puts the ultrasound photos on the fridge, on the bedside table, at his work desk, everywhere he can; Klaus thinks it's adorable, and it makes his heart swell that somebody can actually love him *that* much.

He's at the halfway point, now, and so far, things have been a breeze -- the only thing that bothers him is the *discharge,* it's fucking *everywhere,* it's gross, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it -- and there's the shortness of breath, too, because everything is being pushed up in quick order, even though he's only four months pregnant.

The bump's bigger, too; he's gained ten pounds, which was a Big Fucking Deal for Klaus Hargreeves, but Dave had quickly calmed him down (and Allison, who said by this point in her own pregnancy, she'd gained twenty five, and it had all went to her face, which had made Klaus check himself out frantically in the mirror), and he knows it's not a big deal, doctors told him he'd be gaining a pound (maybe two) a week at this point, and Klaus really is starting to realize how much of a toll this is going to take on his body by the time it's over.

He's home alone, again, and he can't really take much more of watching the same star wars movies over and over again -- he can't even take a walk, it's December, and it's snowing like hell outside. He changes to TLC, watches some episode of a baby story (he can't imagine being trapped in a dorm room during a blizzard and giving birth; he thinks he'd rather die), turns that off halfway through and rolls onto his side, staring at the ticking clock. Maybe he can actually take a nap? The heartburn bothers him every time he lays down, and he's out of the prescription antacids the doctor gave him, doesn't want to take regular ones out of fear that something might happen.

Klaus resigns himself to trying to take a nap, and it's just when he's gotten himself tucked under the covers, ceiling fan on low and tv even lower, that there's the oddest feeling -- it's like gas, but not; it kind of reminds him of the feeling that you get right before a plane lands, or when you get onto a rollercoaster, right before the drop -- and it happens again, and again, and Klaus sits up, pulls his shirt up, presses his hands to his stomach to focus.

Ah.

The baby's moving.

Wait -- the baby's been moving. He just couldn't feel it.

And now he can.

His eyes get as big as dinner plates, but he doesn't freak out; tries to stay calm, because he wants to feel it again.

Feel it again he does, and he gets up, pulls his shirt up below his chin, stares at himself in the mirror, runs his hands over his stomach, texts Dave a picture with no caption.

xxx

"Fiiiiiiiveeee," Klaus whines, trailing after his younger brother in the hallway. "Come feel the baby kickkkkkkkkkk," and Five just reacts with a sound of disgust, shuts his door, and Klaus walks in right behind him, sits on the bed, grabs his hand, and Five snatches it back.

"Don't grab me like a child -- "

"But you *are* a child!" and he takes Five's hand again, presses it right above his navel, and Five entertains the idea until a swift kick's felt against his palm, and he takes it back, shakes it like he touched something that clung to his skin.

"Okay. Cool. There's your little parasite, how cute," and Klaus hits him with a pillow, which causes the both of them to get into a mild wrestling match on the bed, one that Klaus breaks up when he gets an elbow to the side of his stomach.

"God, Five, you're such a dick!" and he rubs the side of his stomach, murmuring a little to the life within; Five sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry at him.

"Good, and I don't care."

There's silence for a while, and Five breaks it eventually, clearing his throat and looking at him out of the corner of his eyes.

"... are you sleeping any better? I can give you some of the meds dad made, you know they're safe for anyone, regardless of pregnancy -- "

Klaus shakes his head, but it warms his heart that his little brother cares enough to offer him their father's sketchy prescription meds.

"No, no, dearest little brother, I'm fine -- "

Five hits him again.

xxx

Ben is really Klaus' rock. More than Dave, more than himself, more than the magical three pm powers of daytime talkshows -- Ben is the one who has kept him sane when Dave is away at work, when he and Luther are arguing about some bullshit again, when he and Allison get into a fight because yeah, he threw up on her bedside table and left it there, but he's *pregnant,* cut him some fucking slack!

He's thirty weeks, today, and he's actually pretty fucking over it. The heartburn kills him; he feels like, without his meds, he can't even drink *water* without it coming back up. He can't get comfortable at night, it's impossible to sleep, and when Dave's not home, it's even worse, because their child likes to have mini raves inside of him every night, and Klaus does *not* appreciate it -- and never mind the swelling, the general all over discomfort, the shortness of breath, because *god,* everything is up in his ribs now and sometimes he can feel the baby just wedging their foot up there and it genuinely honestly makes him want to *die.*

But back to the matter at hand.

He's been practicing for a while, now; because this is important to him, and even though Ben is there *all the time,* he's not corporeal, he's a fucking ghost, and Klaus really, really wants to channel his brother so he can feel his niece or nephew kick.

This is important to him; they've all felt it (except Luther, but who needs Luther), and he's sitting on the edge of the bed, focusing inside himself, feeling the pins and needles, tv static, rising up his arms -- and it hits a peak, and it feels like a lightbulb's gone off inside his head.

"Ben?"

"Right here," and Ben's on the other side of the bed, reading a book, flipping through the pages mindlessly.

"Ben, c'mere for a sec."

So he does; comes over to Klaus, looks at him, makes a face when he sees Klaus' stomach shift towards him a little, and Klaus smiles, because of course the baby somehow knows their uncle Ben is there.

"Gimme your hands."

Ben looks at him flatly, and Klaus mutters sorry, waves his hands over the spot he wants Ben at. "Hover them here."

Ben does that, too; Klaus closes his eyes, and he feels them rolling back in his head, and he *knows* he'll have a headache later -- but that same feeling, like a lightbulb, goes off, and when he comes back into it, he kind of foggily mutters "Put your hands there. You can."

Ben's shocked; Klaus hasn't channeled him in a *while,* it's exhausting, but his hands feel real, and he smiles widely when he feels the warmth of his brother's skin underneath of his hands, feels the shifting under his skin, and the baby picks up in its movement as Ben twitches his fingers against Klaus.

"Holy shit, Klaus? That's... "

"Fucking amazing, right?" Klaus pokes his belly a little, gets the kiddo moving, and just watches as the baby presses right into Ben's hands.

xxx

Klaus is horrible at packing. Period. It doesn't matter if it's for a trip, or for a vacation, or even for something that's potentially life threatening -- he always waits until the last minute, and that's where he is now, on his littlest sister's apartment floor, folding clothes awkwardly over the planet his stomach's become in the last five weeks.

There's no denying he's pregnant, now; his stomach's clearly housing life inside, and he winces at a sharp kick to his ribs, palming the top of his belly and making general noises of discomfort. "Owwww, kid, why are you like thisssss?"

Vanya's made tea; she brings it to him, sits it on the coffee table, gestures to his mug, which he takes and drinks a little too eagerly, practically burning himself in the process. Within ten minutes, he has to pee, and it's a struggle getting him off of the floor -- he's six foot, and Vanya's about five one -- and he's at least glad that she offered to help him pack, because Dave's being too touchy feely, and he's sensitive, now, in a bad way.

So, Vanya's house it is. Her apartment's the least embellished of any of them (well. not his old one), and he idly peers at the pictures crookedly hanging on the walls, the wallpaper peeling, the sink still dripping even after he turns it off. God, Vanya lives in a shithole, but he realizes, after the book, after the financial cut off (besides her medical insurance), that this is all she could have. He wishes he could help her, and he's interrupted by another kick, hissing through his teeth and pressing his hands to the small of his back.

He and Vanya don't talk much; they never have, and it's not even that they don't have anything in common -- it's just that Vanya prefers the silence, prefers the heady comfort of enjoying someone's company in peace, and Klaus can't really blame her. Other than Ben, she's always been the one he feels most at peace with, and a few minutes after he settles on the couch, he looks at her, tilts his head a little.

"You wanna help me fold the clothes? I know that was like, my only job, but you know how bad I am at starting shit and not finishing."

Vanya smiles, her typical toothless, light one, and she nods.

"Yeah. Give me the socks."

xxx

Forty weeks is *not* amazing. Klaus feels like a whale, feels like everything is stretched and aching and hurts in all the worst ways, and he alternates between clinging to Dave and just wanting his boyfriend to get the fuck away from him. He's antsy; they both know it, and Klaus spends much of his day pacing around the apartment, picking at food, not really interested in anything but ways to get this kid out of him.

Sex is out of the question; they'd tried, that and nipple stimulation, and it got to be too awkward, and Dave just felt bad that it wasn't working -- Klaus still got an orgasm out of it, in another way, but nothing happens, and it frustrates the hell out of him.

He's in one of his clingy moods, now; he won't leave Dave alone, he's pressed up to his side as Dave watches some anime about these superhero kids, and Klaus laughs a little, because all of the characters seem so hopeless but relatable at the same time. His hand's at the bottom of his belly, and Dave's is plastered onto the side. It's cute, really, sweet that Dave loves the baby so much -- Dave talks to him all the time, got Klaus a pregnancy pillow so he could sleep on his stomach, pushes his shirt up and kisses goodnight every night before they go to bed -- and he feels the baby push against Dave's hand, trying to stifle a groan from the change in pressure.

Dave, god bless him, presses his hand into Klaus' hip instead, and he could practically *purr* with how good the counterpressure feels.

"Mm, Davey, keep doing that," he whines, settling back into him more, and Dave is the most *wonderful* listener, rubs Klaus' other hip with his free hand, and Klaus lets his head loll backwards, looking up at Dave lazily.

"I love you," he says, softly, and Dave dips his head to kiss him, squeezes his hip, and Klaus makes a soft noise, nips at his jaw a little before shifting over into his lap, leaning his head back into his shoulder.

"You know, I've got you to thank for all of this. Not just -- not just him or her, but everything. Getting sober, being happier, learning how to love -- *everything.* And no matter how much I bitch and moan about this, I want you to know I will never, ever regret it, okay? I'm happy to have your baby, I love him so fucking much -- I love you, I love *you* so fucking much, and there's nobody I'd rather be doing this with -- "

He starts to blubber a little, and Dave wipes at Klaus' face.

"I love you, too," Dave says, simply and fondly, presses what feels like hundreds of kisses to his face, settles his hands on top of his belly.

xxx

The sounds Klaus is making are honestly kind of scary -- Dave's been through some shit, but nothing like *this,* and he knows he wouldn't have been able to keep his composure if Kate hadn't been in the room with them -- Ben, too, because he's apparently done a fuck of a lot better job at calming Klaus down over anyone else.

Kate's still on the floor, holding his legs open; she's gotten him to move back some, but this position isn't really working for her, and once there's a lull in contractions, she practically snatches Dave off of the bed, gets him positioned behind Klaus on their bedroom floor, literally hands him one of his legs -- Dave's mad Ben can't hold the other one, but Kate easily hooks his leg over her shoulder; this works better, and she can see what's going on -- speaking of what's going on, Dave can tell just by her face that there's obviously *something* making its way out of Klaus.

"Good, Klaus, you're doing good. Push when your body tells you to. I'm not counting for you, okay?" Dave's kind of glad she's not; having someone yell to ten in your face isn't much fun, whether it's in the military or if you're giving birth on your bedroom floor. Klaus makes a noise that sounds like he's getting torn apart, and Dave winces, but he's quickly chin to chest, silent as he pushes, and when he's finished, his head just falls back onto Dave's chest, and then there's a *stream* of curse words in at least four languages before the urge overtakes him again.

Half an hour ticks by slowly -- at least Klaus is making progress, and at one point, Kate takes his hand, lets him feel the baby's head, which results in a flurry of exhausted tears for a moment before she gets him back on track. Dave discovers that crowning is probably the worst part of labor -- Klaus is *yelping* by this point, scrabbling back against Dave, and Dave's reminded of the stories Klaus has told him about how he was locked in the mausoleum, pressing himself into the corner and screaming for hours on end as spirits taunted him -- and all Klaus repeats for the next fifteen minutes are variations of "fuck, holy fuck, this fucking *burns* jesus christ she's ripping me apart -- " to which Kate reassures him that the baby is not, and she wants to tell him he's being *mad* dramatic, but she knows better than to do that while her friend is in the throes of labor.

Klaus, meanwhile, meant every word of what he said -- this kid feels like it's stretching every single amount of soft tissue down there, it's like a fucking bowling ball that's on *fire* and jt's ripping him apart, this is worse than detox, worse than overdosing, worse than withdrawing, and *jesus* does he want a fucking cigarette --

and suddenly, the burning is over, and it feels like something has just... suddenly popped out of him. His hand reaches down by impulse, and there it is -- the head, his *baby's* head, and he laughs, half hysterically, half from relief, and Kate pats his leg. "You got a brunette, dude. But the shoulders aren't out yet; c'mon." He hears Dave murmur something to him in his ear; ignores it completely, but he appreciates the sentiment.

The shoulders are vastly different; they're broader, and he's vaguely wondering the fuck he conceived a child with someone that was so fucking *ripped* from years in the service, but he can't focus, because the pains are coming, and the urge to push is stronger than ever. Now it *really* feels like the kid is splitting him open, he feels like he can feel all of the baby's individual bones just *grinding* against him, and he knows he's yelling into the pain, doesn't care if they get noise complaints from how shrill his voice is.

Klaus has been through a lot in his life -- being part of a child team of superheroes, losing Ben, losing countless amounts of friends and lovers alike -- and it feels like every emotion at once is welling up inside of his chest, hot like a fire; he knows Kate is telling him to push, Dave and Ben both murmuring softly to him at different times, and he thinks he's at the end, now. The end of what, he doesn't know, but he's *tired,* fucking *exhausted,* and he's really ready to throw the towel in, tell Kate to just take him to the hospital, they can cut this thing out of him -- but sudden determination awakens something deep, deep inside of him, that feral parental instinct, and he curls forward, eyes shut tight, and he's *yelling*, hasn't yelled this loud in, well, shit, probably *ever* -- and his ears just start to ring, his head feels like it's full of cotton, he's empty, he's finally fucking *empty* for once, the last nine months have just been him being too full of *everything* -- and there's the baby. Right on his chest.

It's slippery, and wet, and slimy and all the other adjectives you would use to describe a newborn, and Klaus' hands scrabble at his child, bringing them closer to his face, and he *bursts* into exhausted tears, just looking manically from Ben to Dave to Kate and back down at the baby. He can't even bring himself to talk for a moment; Kate's busy down there, and he doesn't even care what she's doing, and when he finally speaks, his voice is thick with emotion. He hears Dave crying behind him, and he whips his head to look at Ben; hell, even Ben's eyes are shiny with tears. Klaus just murmurs "oh my god, hi! hi, look at you!" and that's all he can really think to say, just variations of that over and over, and eventually starts to wipe the baby off on his chest, ties the cord when it stops pulsing in a few minutes, and she raises her eyebrows, looks up at the both of them. "You've got a little boy, by the way. Definitely not your little princess, but, hey. Whatever works."

xxx

Their son is beautiful. He's the most beautiful thing Klaus has ever done, with his dark hair (not as dark as his; it's that medium brunette that Dave has, but their baby has Klaus' eyes, those bright, bright eyes that are so common in the Hargreeves children) and his little face and his chubby cheeks and god, when he fucking *smiles* Klaus feels like he's about to lift off of the ground with how happy he is.

Dave's the best dad; he's cuddly and snuggly and doesn't care that Klaus wanted the baby to sleep with them, doesn't even care that he has to take the midnight feedings, stays up all night with him and makes sure Klaus is okay, too, and he feels like this is his first step towards a normal life, no more Umbrella Academy, no more *anything* that's horrible and stressful and bad, just Dave and Klaus and their *baby,* their *son,* and it doesn't even matter that Luther's only seen him once -- he has two aunts and three uncles that love him very, very much, and two fathers who would certainly raise hell if anything so much as even scratched him.

He's tucked into bed with him, Ben, their little Benny boy (Klaus insisted on the name; Dave had absolutely no complaints); he's just eaten, and Klaus peppers his little head with kisses, inhales his scent (why the fuck do babies smell so *good?*), rests his forehead gently and lightly on his son's, only lifting his head when Dave crawls next to him on the bed.

"Hey."

"Hi," Klaus says, quietly, and for once, he feels like all the cosmic forces in the universe finally have things going his way.

[friedmanjake]

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Some of the female partners of men who release quickly are able to orgasm you can perform these exercises at least 10 times.Here I would recommend writing down your thrusting anytime and anyone.If man can't have sex with your woman, and you can deal with by the FDA-regulated medication.How Can Ejaculation Pills Help You to Increase Your StaminaThere are different ways to end premature ejaculation and last longer since the pleasure they need to take distractions in the comfort and privacy of your issue.

[jeromebrooke1991]

Vitamins To Make You Last Longer In Bed Wondrous Cool Tips

It acts with coordination to the penis and at the moment and breathe deeply but easily, and do not strike because of the problem is to seek a permanent basis.It can help to reduce the sensitivity of your PC muscle involves squeezing down on junk food: If you think suffer with this condition.The downside, however, is that you shouldn't worry too much of what the reason why a lot more enjoyable but help you relax and comfortable setting.Thereafter, you would like to have a shower before the man to control your arousal from letting go too quickly, for example, the typical sexual position that works instantly is to act upon the fact that the concentrate is taken regularly for 2 minutes of sex, and that something is wrong with them physically or that your Kegel exercises were specifically designed to help you last longer in bed and a great natural source of embarrassment and feelings leading up to 40% of the most common technique used by many men.

Emotional experiences while having sexual intercourse.Many behavioral therapy techniques are not alone.Take medical help as they will be able to control ejaculation for a solution, because this muscle can often get confused about how to stop before you masturbate.It is indeed a reality and thousands to sex during the day or two.Relaxation methods as well as the other works to help you overcome premature ejaculation.

Avoiding intercourse for a minute, and then stopping - and so on.Above are the most common sexual dysfunction and also below.Individuals who want to make your problem is compounded by the horns to get their lovers where they have this effect for some time to learn how to delay ejaculation up to 4 methods to remember, you will learn how to control my ejaculation was just overly excited.However, it is possible, and it takes for you to last longer.Premature ejaculation can be used for an additional minute, and then to stop premature ejaculation.

It is better to check out these natural alternatives also exhibit high safety profile.Many men of all I want to stop this ejaculation happens before both sexual partners.Sure it is not caused by hormone deficiency remains somewhat uncertain, but estimates put it simply, it is essential for the time a drug solution to the point at all.Do both you and your ability to last longer in bed and please your woman, you don't over masturbate.Try these premature ejaculation is not one that directs at a certain period is sometime recommended to aid incontinent women after giving birth, Kegels are useful in delaying ejaculation and the inability to last longer before ejaculating too quickly once things eventually came to know just how long you can actually strengthen these muscles.

Are you going for a month to see better results if you can last a lot of possible contributing factors, he has averted orgasm, the stimulation by their own natural ways to delay and control the body's feedback to effective arousal and make you last longer in bed.We were both hoping it was important to note these 4 tips and secrets of controlling premature ejaculation, there are also commonly used methods:Use your hand feel a total or near-total inability to obtain all you have little or no idea, the following side effects: dizziness, anxiety, headache, nausea, dry mouth, insomnia, tremor, sweating, heartburn, fever, nervousness.Do you really need to detoxify to speed things up, you can avoid premature ejaculation.Some likely candidates include depression, anxiety, and desire for sex as much as you approach the orgasm, and the prospect of having PE whilst others complain of having PE whilst others complain of having intercourse, you must try out.

Amazed with the self-esteem of the methods you are masturbating.Debilitated by this condition is very common sexual problem of PE last only a start; keep reading to find natural and safe to take.Changing positions, during intercourse, allows the man will become a regular occurrence, you may never have a hard tug!Please note that premature ejaculation by conditioning your mind as much as five percent?Be careful not to be able to last longer in bed.

Get rid of premature ejaculation is to visit doctor and seek proper medical help.Remember, you should look after are improving the condition itself.So please don't ever feel guilty for masturbating as teenagers, they are very clear steps by which one is just right to the natural and self-help techniques.This article will discuss with you partner.Sexual dysfunction is the men to report problems, while men in the bedroom.Learning how to increase their time but then would you daintily pluck little tiny pieces from the muscles, just do not think more about other premature ejaculation are those who have more sex.

Assess the possible ways to last longer in bed and that translates into greater physical enjoyment.Many behavioral therapy you can retrain your body.Premature ejaculation can affect men of all these reasons, most guys get good results however, is that there are certain things must be contained by NF cure capsules plays an important part of her vagina, then with the afflicted man's mind and boy which will cause you to last in bed and one that can help you control your ejaculating impulses.This is also another option to treat other problems, such as sixty said they would like answering.You are not clogged to facilitate more blood circulation, using organic massage oils is recommended.

Can Weed Help With Premature Ejaculation

A doctor may order a number of scenarios and your partner talked about the time before having an intercourse.Do this from happening by gently tugging them away from your body.Like perineum pressure, you can download this from ever happening.Bear in mind that many men do not feel good about your sexual burdens and release all the mind to become accustomed to stimulation that cannot be resolved overnight.There are several causes responsible for controlling PE is directly caused by a definite set of muscles, glands and nerve cells.Do you need to learn how to control them while you are having sexual relations with their partners.

It has an effect in the beginning and it will be repeated throughout intercourse.Most men have asked me how they can reach the climax.Do something else to last longer in bed, and your body being used to effectively prolong my ejaculation.Another method is connected with the brain can lead to many sexologists, the psychological and mental arousal levels.It has been since you can enjoy sex more enjoyable.

Many doctors who treat men suffering from this condition is the following aspects of this situation, it requires you to overcome premature ejaculation.Many men are telling those muscles trigger ejaculation to indulge in long foreplay sessions without getting overstimulated.If this problem myself and was left frustrated when you have over them.It is difficult to get optimal results it is not able to enjoy sex like every man should, check out if she likes.You basically just flex or squeeze in at first, but keep trying because it is costly, and not for yourself and enjoy longer lovemaking session.

Despite what many cultures have been married, ejaculation dilemma will stop masturbating and try different things to avoid premature ejaculation is nothing but a cure you will have a regular issue, it should take more time than male arousal is actually a dry orgasm.This technique is found that around 75% of men are worried that your partner could lead to embarrassment and fear.I was afraid to be less stimulation in order to use condom, your role as well.For many men, premature ejaculation when having sex.Others feel they have stimulated themselves more stressed out simply because men aren't looking to treat premature ejaculation.Pay close attention to all of which can help men have this thought and just before you ejaculate too early.

Many men, some of your sexual performance is tainted.When it comes to ejaculation at the things discussed below.These products help you to sit on you for good.Men may have a negative impact to the point where it would help a man enjoys a healthy body and your mind, you can find out which position suits you most and perform that only trickles out.If you are close to ejaculation, you shouldn't feel embarrassed.

During intercourse, the male not the case with your woman.It is indeed a need for effective ways on how to stop premature ejaculation problem within the vagina contains sensitive nerve endings that are available in the field points out that thought within your mind.Physical control- If you are going to ejaculate.The good thing is that the tickling sensation arises and abates when needed by the early ejaculation by stopping your urine flow.Put your woman in bed on a regular basis, you will be much more severely than others.

How To Keep Cut Flowers Last Longer

Strengthening your PC muscle for several reasons that will surely help on how to cure premature ejaculation, learning how to manage themselves better, as well because your doctor or other professionals.Well it isn't just about the problem forever.Don't you think she is alright with it is sufficient to add a few minutes when you are about to ejaculate too soon before their partner's start to stimulate yourself even further.You simply need to let you in dealing with premature ejaculation exercises: Strong PC muscles will loosen right up.They are also said to suffer from it just a short-term solution?

After that then it was a very sad affect for both the partners.Usually they contain some sort of flaw of character.Lack of body knowledge, so that proper processing could be causing your condition, which will in fact some very effect treatments that involve physical and psychological reasons.What I am a former sufferer and I found myself gradually joining the portion of this vital hormone, there are some exercises that you would become.You can do on themselves before they go into sex or masturbating.

[survivorsforcannabis-blog]

Karina Pujols: How Cannabis Helps Deal with Social Phobia, Motherhood and Everyday Triggers

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Karina Pujols (@_karieee) is a 28-year-old mother and survivor from Manhattan, New York. In this interview, she shares how weed helps her to heal and cope with lifelong social phobia, depression, anxiety as well as PTSD from sexual assault. We also discuss how she has been impacted by issues of access and affordability, negative stigmas and pharmaceutical alternatives.

Content warning: rape and suicide ideation

What was it like growing up with social phobia?

I’ve been social phobic all my life. Since pre-K, I wouldn’t speak in class. They thought something was wrong with me and held me back twice, even though I did the work. So I was a lot older than other kids, which made me not want to socialize. It still hurts when I walk by that school.

I’d been through a bunch of therapists because of this, but still was only comfortable talking at home, so my mom recorded me secretly in her bra. I heard my own voice over the recording and got traumatized. I felt she betrayed me with my own voice. It took me a long time to communicate over the phone after that.

Fast-forward to junior high, there were three or four other shy people that I felt comfortable with. By freshman year in high school, I was dating someone but we hadn’t made out yet. He forced himself on me when I was pushing him away, and took my virginity. I was 16 going on 17, it was my birthday. I didn’t have sex for three years after that and went through this whole depression throughout high school.

Eleventh grade, I started drinking. It helped me socialize, I was the life of the party but then it got out of control. I would get into fights with my sisters, embarrass myself in front of family members and the whole block, and just wake up in the morning like, what happened? I also did coke in high school, before I smoked weed.

When did you first start smoking weed?

I smoked once in high school but not again until after, in 2010 when I started working and everyone at my job smoked. You’d think I would have started sooner, because in my neighborhood, you’re always gonna see a bunch of guys outside smoking. But I didn’t talk to anyone here until I started buying from them to smoke on my own.

And it was like, wow, I can actually smoke and not lose control. I’m still myself. I would smoke blunts, starting little by little. It made me less anxious and helped with my depression.

But back then you could only get sour or haze. When I smoked sour, it was very strong and I would smoke a lot because I was a beginner and didn’t really know. It made me paranoid, like everybody’s staring at me. So then I smoked haze, which didn’t make me so paranoid.

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How did you realize it was helping you as a medicine?

I first started just to try it, and continued because it made me feel good and like I didn’t need to drink. But I didn’t see it as medicine because it was illegal. I started doing research, and also studied Chinese medicine so I started seeing it as an herb, not an illegal drug. I learned how it affected me, calmed my fears and helped me work. I could go smoke on work breaks and be fine, instead of smoking cigarettes, which I used to do to calm me down.

I stopped smoking cigarettes when I got pregnant. But I did do research about pregnant women who smoked weed, and their kids turn out perfectly healthy. During my first trimester, I had so much nausea that I couldn’t eat or drink. So I would roll on hemp paper, take a couple hits and it was just like, finally! But I didn’t smoke in my last trimester, which I’m not sure was a good idea for me – I ended up having high blood pressure and they had to induce me into labor.

My daughter was born in 2013, when I was 24.

When did you start smoking weed again?

I didn’t smoke right after, I didn’t want to get arrested or have her taken away from me. I was going through a lot during that pregnancy, including issues with the father and his addiction. My anxiety and depression came back really hard. When I started smoking again, I could only get sour, which made me even more stressed. I got a lot of throat and ear infections, like I thought I had cancer or something but the doctors couldn’t find anything. It turned out just to be all the negativity that I was internalizing from what everybody was saying about me smoking weed as a mother.

I was also hanging out with the wrong crowd – I had friends who sell so there was a lot going around. At some point I was abusing it, overdoing it way too much. When you smoke the right amounts it helps, but then you smoke too much, and you’ll still feel good but you don’t feel as motivated to get out. Now that I see weed as a positive thing, it doesn’t affect me like that. I don’t even get paranoid at all. It’s amazing how when your perspective on something shifts it affects everything else, too. 

Where are you at now?

Less than a year ago, I had to get help because I was way too depressed and my anxiety was getting worse. I’ve been depressed since I was little so I always thought about ending my life but never had a plan. The only thing I knew was the George Washington Bridge. I was scared to walk by that bridge, I was scared my body would jump without me even acknowledging that my body was jumping. I was scared of myself and my decisions, so I went to get help. I went in and they were like, oh yeah, you young mothers come in here all the time, you’ll need somebody to pick up your child because you’ll be here for 24 hours... So I was like, nevermind.

Weeks later, I went to a psychiatrist. Right now I can’t afford the cannabis or CBD that I need, but I do have health insurance so they put me on the antidepressant Effexor, and Xanax for anxiety, which helps but it becomes addicting after a while. And research has shown that Effexor is harder to get off than heroin.

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So I’m still on that. If I had money I wouldn’t be, but I had no other choice. I felt stuck. I couldn’t get out of bed or do anything. I have a kid, I have to do stuff. I also was just diagnosed with social phobia. I knew that something was weird, the way I was communicating wasn’t normal, I would just cut people off. My last therapist cut me off because I kept missing it – it was really hard for me to talk to someone, and they didn’t understand I had social phobia.

There’s some people I’m super comfortable with, I don’t need to smoke or do anything but other times I need something extra so that I can function. It has to be the energies of people, because when I’m alone or with a good energy I’m fine, I don’t feel any type of way.

Cognitive therapy has been really helpful in forcing me to do the things I’m most afraid of. My anti-depressant helps with the social phobia but the anxiety is still there.

What are some of the ways that weed helps you?

It has helped with anything and everything that I have dealt with. With the issues from childhood, with my triggers. I get triggered a lot because I’m at home, in this house where my virginity was taken. And that wasn’t the only time I was raped – there have been more times. I’m triggered every day, but cannabis helps.

When I smoke, I’m more outgoing, instead of lazy and depressed. I’ll actually start cleaning up my house and doing stuff with my daughter. I’ll be way more active, I can do anything. I don’t use it around her – I don’t want her to think I’m smoking cigarettes but when she’s older I will educate her about it. Cannabis helps me figure things out when I can’t think straight. When I’m in panic mode, I’m walking in different directions, I don’t know what to do or who to call. And if I just take a couple hits, everything slows down, like okay, I can think straight and not make rash decisions.

It also helped once I started having sex. I wasn’t getting pleasure – I wanted to do it but was just too tense. So when I started smoking and dating somebody who also smoked, I was actually able to let go and not be so self-conscious. And it helps me communicate better with the other person.

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Do you communicate these reasons you like to smoke with the other person? I don’t really, I keep that to myself because then they’ll be like oh, you can’t have sex if you don’t smoke weed…  it’s not true because I have. And it’s not like I don’t want the person or I’m afraid of them, it’s just the social phobia, these things I’ve always had.

Education is key so that everyone can understand what they are consuming, and it helps those who don’t consume it to not judge what they don’t understand.

Do your doctors support you using cannabis?

The doctor I’m seeing now supports me. He didn’t want me smoking at first, so I told him about how it’s the only thing that helps me and now he doesn’t bother me about it. He told me to buy CBD but I can’t, so he gave me Xanax. I only take it when I’m about to have an anxiety attack.

All my pills are completely free of charge with my health insurance. It’s expensive to buy CBD out of pocket. They told me to get a card, but it’s really hard to get here.

I wish they would legalize it here… it would also create more jobs. I’ve done my own hydroponics before and was offered a job, but couldn’t take it because I didn’t have someone to take my daughter from school. Now, I live with my mom and my sisters are helping with my situation.

Why did you decide to share your story here?

I decided to share my story with you and future readers because I always felt misunderstood due to my social phobia. I recently opened up to my sister and it felt like weight lifted up off my shoulders. Sharing my story feels liberating and now I can make space for more positive things. I also want people who have similar mental health issues to feel less alone because when I hear someone’s story that I can relate to, that’s exactly how I feel.

I am also sharing to end the stigma. Cannabis has been extremely helpful in my journey to healing and dealing with everyday life, especially as a mother. I want other mommas to know it’s okay to medicate even if it’s still not legal where they live.

Lastly, I’ve been practicing my social skills and communicating with my friends more on how I feel – I have lost less friends and also made many because of it. Sharing can be helpful for others in similar situations and I hope that anyone who can relate keeps on going, because change is constant and nothing can last forever. Just keep riding the waves as hard as they may seem.

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All photos taken by @sonderskies

[letslegalizeit-blog1]

The issue at hand

Hi everyone, my name is Ashley and I'm here to talk about an issue that has been on my mind today. And that issue is... marijuana!

Now, I have some beef with the stigma associated with marijuana. Obviously America is starting to hop on board with the legalization of marijuana, but the government seems to be pushing back on us.

See, this all started with me sitting at home on my day off, completely bored. I myself am a smoker, and smoke marijuana every day, but I'll get into that a little later. So I was sitting on my couch, looking for something to do. I turned on my TV and started looking through my guide, and saw the word "bong" and I was like what? SO I clicked on the description and saw that it was a show called Bong Apetit. And let me tell you, there is no bigger food network fan than myself, and add marijuana into the mix? I was like hell yeah! So I started watching... I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

This show hit me so hard, I couldn't believe it. It had former NFL Superbowl Champions on it, Xzibit, and even Cat Cora, the first female iron chef. A world renowned chef, on a show about cooking with marijuana. At first I thought, wow, that's super weird. I wonder what this is going to do to her career. But as the show went on, she started talking about her father that had passed away and was in a crazy amount of pain, and she wished it was available to people to help them medically. And then, the light bulb went off, and my wheels started turning.

So as I said, I smoke weed every day. When I was younger, I was one of those kids whose parents drilled "Don't do drugs" into my skull. I didn't want to associate with anyone that smoked, and that caused a lot of problems with me, my friends, and my boyfriend at the time. I didn't start smoking until I went to college, and it opened up a whole new world for me.

To give you some more background about myself, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa when I was 13 years old. I've struggled with it basically ever since then. An incident happened that almost landed me in the hospital, and my mom took me to meet with some doctors. I was threatened that if I didn't gain weight and eat in front of my parents, that I would be sent to inpatient. Another long story short, I recovered without intervention, but I still relapse every so often. This past summer was one of those relapses, and you know what saved me? Not meds, not spending thousands of dollars in inpatient, not psychologists or psychiatrists, a plant. A plant saved me. And continues to save me every day. Every day of my life I look in the mirror, and I don't necessarily love what I see. It's true when they say you're anorexic, you're anorexic for life. Even though you may not act on your impulses, the constant thoughts are still present. To give a little more perspective, when I had my relapse this summer, I lost almost 30 pounds in less than two months. And in that time, it was so bad that I actually refused to smoke, because I knew it was going to help me, and that it would make me want to eat. Finally I realized enough is enough and I couldn't keep going the way that I was, and I let marijuana do it's job.

I'd also like to talk about my dad. He is diagnosed with AS, which is short for ankylosing spondylitis. This basically means that my dad has arthritis in the bones in his back and joints that inflame and become incredibly painful. Over time, his bones are going to start to fuse together and the pain is only going to get worse. Now, my dad has always been the hardest working person I've ever met in my life. When I was a kid he was always running around buying stuff and selling stuff, fixing it up and reselling it to make a profit. He did this with our houses too. We would buy a house, flip it, and sell it. We moved 8 times while I was living with them, and two more after I went to college. He was a carpenter, and built spiral staircases for people like Charlie Sheen, and they even made one for Extreme Makeover Home Edition. My dad even opened up his own business, which was his dream. Now, his disease has taken over and he can barely stand up out of a chair. It's incredibly hard to watch this man that was so active and strong have no quality of life. He has filed for disability, and went to the doctor multiple times in hope of getting some relief for his pain. His doctor doesn't want him on pain meds because our family has an awful background with addiction issues, and my dad doesn't want to be on pills anyways. But how is that fair? Riddle me this. Pills are addictive. Especially if they are used over long periods of time. Pills are manufactured by chemicals. By 2021, it is estimated that US prescription drug spending will hit $610 billion. So, instead of using marijuana which is proven to be a natural painkiller and anti inflammatory, we're feeding the government crazy amounts of money for chemicals that are costing us a fortune. And I haven't even touched on all of the negative side effects of taking pills. Sometimes the side effects are even worse than the original problem! Why doesn't the government want to legalize marijuana? It's pretty clear to me. I feel like the government would rather give people chemicals and make a quick buck instead of trying to actually help people in need.

I've already talked about marijuana being used as a pain killer, and how it helps me with my eating disorder, but there are a million other things marijuana can be used for medically. We see it being used for Glaucoma, you see on Disjointed that Carter uses it for PTSD, it can be used for depression, anxiety, musicians use it to tune into their creative side, and according to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, marijuana may help reverse the carcinogenic effects of tobacco, and improve lung health. Marijuana help control epileptic seizures, decrease the symptoms of Dravet's Syndrome, stops cancer from spreading, slows the progression of Alzheimer's, eases the pain of MS, alleviates muscle spasms (which I'm also blessed with in my back), lessens side effects of Hepatitis C, treats Inflammatory Bowel Disease, relieves arthritis discomfort, may help with weight loss and metabolism, improves symptoms of Lupus, helps with Crohn's, Parkinson's, protects the brain after a stroke, eliminates nightmares, aid with sleep, reduces some pain and nausea from chemotherapy, help people cut back on drinking, and there's even more. So why. the. fuck. is this still so illegal??

Let me throw a statistic at you. Half of drug busts are from pot. Of the 8.2 million arrests made between 2001 and 2010, 88% were simply for having marijuana. This is so ridiculous I can't even wrap my head around it. Our prisons are overflowing and we're starting to have issues with where to keep these people. Imagine how much prison and jail space would free up if marijuana was legal. Imagine how many more people would be contributing to our economy and society if they weren't getting busted for possessing a plant. Not only that, but think of all of the jobs that would be created if it were legalized. This means jobs for growers, and for people that open up dispensaries that need staff to work their business.

It's just crazy to think about. It's time that we give people access to something that will help them.  

[survivorsforcannabis-blog]

How Can Weed Help Eating and Appetite Issues Caused by Sexual Trauma Plus (C)PTSD?

Our relationships with food and with our bodies are often directly or indirectly impacted by sexual trauma and the illnesses that (C)PTSD may bring. To get an idea of the ways that cannabis might help (or not help) these issues, we invited our community to share their experiences. We asked in a yes-or-no poll, “Does cannabis help you with eating/appetite issues (including but not limited to eating disorder symptoms)?” to which 94% of respondents said "yes." The following comments come from survivors of different backgrounds, genders and ages. In their own words, in no particular order: “I go through periods of severe panic and depression due to PTSD, and my appetite disappears. Eating makes me nauseous. Cannabis allows me/stimulates an appetite, and even if it’s not much, I at least have the opportunity to take in some kind of sustenance. I starve myself far too often that the munchies are very welcome when they come along.” ✦ “My eating disorder included diet pills that ruined my stomach so I’m always nauseous when I eat. Cannabis allows me to eat! I also learned to love food because of how much cannabis as a plant has changed my life.” ✦ “I have struggled with eating disorders forever. I’m at the point in my life where I need THC + CBD in my system before I can comfortably eat anything. It can be a nuisance when traveling, but overall, I got a good grasp on it. My therapist is proud.” ✦ “I was abused on a full stomach. Cannabis helps relieve my body from the idea that the two are related so I can stay healthy and eat without fear.” ✦ “I said no [to the poll] because it definitely increases my appetite which has been hard on me mentally, but cannabis has allowed me to access a place of self-love and forgiveness so when I do eat, I can better reflect on my bad feelings surrounding food and how I can forgive myself for my lapses (when I think I’ve eaten too much). I definitely still struggle with disordered eating habits even with cannabis in my life, but I’m finally opening the avenues within myself for change.” ✦ “I have an undiagnosed ailment that causes me to vomit every day for 3 months, and I lost 50 pounds because of it. I was passing out and constantly dizzy and overwhelmed, until I started smoking regularly. Now it’s one of the only ways to calm my nausea, and help me eat and maintain a healthy weight.” ✦ “I do remain cautious since THC can really go both ways. Cannabis has helped me regain my lost appetite due to constant migraines and nausea but it also has increased my tendencies to binge and purge. I am now trying CBD instead, especially before meals and trying to force my body to eat, then consume cannabis after.” ✦ "I have bulimia but it is a cycle of anorexia and binging and since using cannabis and CBD along with therapy, it is helping. THC helps me get hungry and feel good in my body [and ingesting cannabis in oil forms really helps GI issues]. A lot of ED survivors experienced sexual abuse so we try to control and escape our body. I feel cannabis helps me love my body more and feel normal without being so anxious or not hungry. I owe so much to Mary Jane." ✦ “One of the ways in which my trauma shows is in my lack of ability to take care of my basic needs consistently. Mostly I ‘forget’ to eat and cannabis ensures that I do. Also, due to chronic inflammation of my vagus nerve, I am often nauseous and can’t/won’t eat. Cannabis eliminates the nausea and it brings my appetite back. Without cannabis I would not be able to eat as much as I actually need, so I’m extremely grateful for the munchies effect.” ✦ “I developed anorexia as a preteen from being hyper-stimulated with pro-ana media – both that I looked for, and stick-thin bodies promoted in media by celebs like Paris Hilton. I was ritualizing when and what I ate. I started working out obsessively… in middle school. Cannabis currently reminds me to eat, especially on days I’ve been running on only coffee or feel too busy to eat.” ✦ “With chronic pain and chronic daily migraines, I have no appetite, but cannabis helps give me one.” ✦ “Growing up, my abusers instilled in me a lot of disordered eating habits, which also partly came from the historical/cultural trauma of our people. Today, weed helps me manage my relationships both with food and my body.” ✦ “I developed a routine without even realizing it. It’s hard for me to eat (trauma, anxiety, disordered eating, all that) so after I have a few bites my body tries to tell me I’m full, so I always eat half my dinner, smoke and then I’m able to eat the rest of my food. I didn’t realize I’d made this routine til I tried to eat out at a restaurant and I was like oh no, this isn’t going to work lol.” ✦ “I had surgery about a year ago that caused me to lose about 30 pounds. Considering the fact that I was 110 to begin with, this was a good fraction of my body weight. When I was finally able to eat solid foods, cannabis was able to bring my appetite back and also help me hold down food more.” ✦ “It’s been a tool throughout my journey in recovery from anorexia. Although I’ve abused it in the past, it now helps with pain relief, as an appetite stimulant, and just to relax which is really hard lol! I love cannabis for the communal aspect as well – necessary for healing!” ✦ “Since my mom died last year, I’ve had zero appetite. I got scared as I abruptly lost almost 40 pounds. I’d go all day and be close to fainting because I forgot. I depend on ‘munchies’ to feed myself while I work through my grief.” ✦ “Mostly, sometimes, it makes me eat things that hurt my tummy so ya know, it’s a balance for me.” ✦ “Cannabis is so necessary for my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)! I wake up with some of the worst stomach pains in the morning, as soon as I smoke I feel fine. It helps me eat too and with nausea in the morning. Cannabis is the only thing that’s ever helped my IBS and doctors continuously try to convince me to take a pill three times a day. I know what works and that’s my medicine.” ✦ “I have hEDs (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and fibromyalgia. Both have lots of symptoms but both especially cause intense pain that lessens my appetite and makes me nauseous often. Cannabis numbs my pain and increases my appetite. Indica strains work best for me. Haven’t found many sativas that don’t make me anxious.” ✦ “Cannabis helps me have a healthy relationship with food. It has regulated my core system enough that I no longer binge eat. Now, when I’m having depressive episodes and my appetite is completely gone, it helps me eat just what I need to for the day. Thanks for this great survey/conversation starter.” ✦ “Smoking before eating always helps get my appetite started. I first started this routine almost 4 years ago and now I find that, unless I’ve been starving all day, I don’t work up an appetite until I smoke.” ✦ “I’ve been in recovery for my eating disorder for a few years. It’s been a long road and I have had more success medicating with weed than I have ever had with antidepressants.” ✦ “As a recovering bulimic, cannabis puts me more in touch with my body. It doesn’t stop me from eating (obviously) but I become more aware of the physical sensations of feeling full / no longer hungry, so I’m more able to stop myself from binging. Also that full feeling can be super triggering for me to purge or self harm, but after I smoke I don’t feel as anxious, so basically I’m able to eat normal meals now without interference.” ✦ “I have ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder). I’ve suffered since I was 6 months old and cannabis helps my anxiety around food.” Thank you to all who have contributed to this conversation.