#also saving alistair from the fade choice in da:i I'm multitasking

[vaguely-concerned]

Before all of the everything with Jowan happened, Sophia Amell was SO ready for her step up into adulthood to be about basically properly becoming Irving’s second in command/right hand gal/well not semi-official heir exactly that’s not how these things work in the Circle and she’s still so very very young of course ahaha (...unless?). Her readiness to be the Dragon carrying out all the dirty work and be in on ALL the mostly-benign (?) machinations as a trusted co-conspirator and equal finally, unreal. She feels such an immense depth of gratitude, and such a desperation of loyalty (and love, which she finds harder to find the right space and gestures for) to Irving as the closest thing she’s ever had to a father, and as a teenager it pained her for the longest time that she couldn’t really pay him back for any of what he’d done for her. (Sophia had a real rough time in her early teens, and Irving is probably the only reason she survived it.) But aha! now, once she’s a full mage and not just a promising student, she’ll be the most terrifyingly useful lieutenant that ever — what the fuck do you mean you’re sending me away to join the wardens dad. Dad. what. What does that mean. I — thought we had a plan here, was that not… was that not what I was meant to… Did I do something wrong? How badly did I fuck up for it to be so easy for you to discard me? Did I mean so little to you, when you and your regard mean everything to me?

And it makes me feel all oofie doofie inside because it takes her the whole game and maybe a bit more to really unpack and understand that what Irving is trying to do is to save her, not get rid of her. Because ultimately he values her chances for greater freedom and happiness in life more than he does her possible utility to him or even her company, and staying cooped up in the Circle much longer with all her power boiling right under her skin without purpose or outlet might have killed her. The Taint is going to kill her eventually, sure, but staying in the Circle would end in her devouring herself in desperation much sooner than that. 

(Having a protégé in the Wardens who proves a national hero for the ages is certainly not a bad political outcome for him or the mages in the end lol, but he could hardly have known the insane line of events that had to spin out for it to end like that — if that was his main goal, he would surely not have wasted someone he’s invested so much in on such a wild and uncertain gambit, even if he did believe the first whisperings of a new Blight and that the Wardens were about to regain some long-faded prestige. And yet… that image of the Blight entering her bloodstream as a consequence and proof of precisely love. We poison our children to save them, no matter how much we try to avoid it. Hhhhhhhhhngh the metaphor of it all I’m in pain) 

He sent her away to walk out of hell, and he won’t let her glance back at him, not even once, until she’s all the way out into the real world and can never go back to where she came from. Because he loves her!! that’s his CHILD!!! (the way Uldred taunts him with his little apprentice being back for the slaughter… ough! The way he keeps telling Surana/Amell that the Circle (he) will always welcome them, but doesn’t need them — I made as much freedom for you as I could figure out how; go live your life, child.) The love is there, the love is THERE and it’s vast and it’s mutual, and yet it has to be kept small and hidden between the lines to stay safe, it takes so many rounds of decoding and unveiling and retracing all the hidden meanings and obfuscations that the social conditions of the Circle (as well as their natural psychological tendencies as individuals) enforce to see the message written out cleanly and simply. But they do understand each other on this eventually, and they keep up written correspondence even during the times Sophia has to leave Ferelden on missions. (You are never too old to write home to go ‘hey dad I mean first enchanter hope everything’s fine at home. now what the fuck is this glyph I’ve copied down I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it before’, and to be able to do so is a great comfort even when you’re the warden commander of your nation and not so secret power behind the throne lol) 

And all of that is probably why Sophia is the way that she is (affectionate). Diagnosed with chronic heritable allergic-to-saying-everything-I-really-mean disease. hey Alistair I made you king. please infer that it means I trust you more than anyone in this world or the next and that I would not put the fate of myself or my people in the hands of anyone else alive. I would lay my whole being at your mercy. also I love you forever and would die for you. btw.

(In the end she does end up having that sort of partners-in-crime, co-conspirator, absolute trust, in it until the end, ‘I’ll be your strong right hand and protector’ relationship she so badly wanted with Alistair, which does provide a more equal power balance between them at least in private than what could have been possible with Irving. and with alistair she eventually does learn to be straightforwardly honest and unfiltered because she knows she will always be welcomed, and thus the family curse is broken. So. You know. You never know where personal fulfillment might yet be found, I guess! Fry some darkspawn, make your man/best friend king, be the Merlin to his Arthur and make it real horny, see where that takes you)