#also s07 doesn't exist and the show is perfect

[wrontk]

Ok but fact Cuddy cannonically dreamed House and Wilson would get married and raise her kid together if she ever died-

[allsystemsarenotgo]

I normally save these kinds of posts for a much smaller cluster of peers that I trust, or on an alternate profile where I can keep my public and private images separate.

I'm choosing to blur that line with this post because I am reaching out to the very people on my life that will see this and take the time to read it.

I had a complete and thorough meltdown the other day. I haven't had one in a great while.

I was out on the edge, feeling like I didn't have control of myself, so close to simply giving up.

I finally cried myself to sleep at 5AM clutching a pillow in loneliness and abandonment as I do on a nightly basis, only to be back awake at 7AM as my alarms went off.

I spent the morning in deep thought and self revelation. Thinking about my past, the people in my orbit, who I actually care about and who cares about me.

In that time of weakness, one friend stepped forward to talk to me, to bring me away from the edge and show me that they cared.

I know that I've never been the most perfect person and that I've wronged some folks. I also feel like alot of people have false images and presumptions. And I know alot of people don't know that I have changed over time.

I know that is a cliché statement used and abused by alot of people through the years.

But I'm really trying to be a better person. I can't fix or make up for my fuckups early in life, but I can change how I interact with people.

I was talking to a friend tonight about some feelings stuff, and this scene came up on the show 'Mom' (S07 E08 - Hot Butter and Toxic Narcissism).

It goes along with the first card - Comprehension is the real key to communication, and comprehension is gained by actually sitting and listening to the other person.

That tends to be an exercise in futility in my world - as much as I want to shut up and listen to somebody else, I have a horrible habit of listening to respond, not listening to comprehend. On the same token, I have lost alot of people's respect, to the point that they no longer take the time to listen to me.

Some (most....all) of my best and closest friends have walked out of my life because they could not put up with my poor communication skills. I allowed the pain to continually happen, doing the same thing over and over, hoping that maybe one day, somebody would understand.

That person has only existed once.

The one person that I thought did understand, tried to take me to a bar...knowing that I don't like alcohol and can't breathe in smoke. I went just to say I did after much attempted refusal...but that is the only best friend that I have ever pushed away intentionally.

I've been single for 8 years. I wrote relationships off for a long time to focus on making heads and rails of my little world. Recently, I've tried to put myself out there and am zero for three first dates, and several that I didn't even make it that far. It doesn't matter how much I "match" or have in common with another person - when I make an ass of myself and don't even mean it, the massive bloody hole in my foot tends to hurt.

I also know that I have, at times, exhibited jealousy or envy. I am trying to be better about that. I'd love to say that it comes with the territory, but that is only a pathetic excuse ...

Change is really difficult for me. I can't just reach over, flip a stack of switches, and become a whole new person. Unfortunately, I am not a robot and (thankfully?) I am not bipolar or split personality.

I'm just a guy with no social life and no communication skills.

But I want to try. I'm tired of being this introverted, selfish, mute person that I have been.

I want to have friends instead of acquaintances.

I want to be invited to places and events

I want to not be shunned or avoided when I try to join a social group.

I want others to take the time to actually talk to me and let me explain things before presumptions and rumors go flying around.

I want to be able to carry on a normal coherent conversation in person...even if I know that will take a little more work...

*I just want to be normal.*

I just wish it was as easily done as it is said.

I know that some people don't believe this whole "High Functioning Autism" thing. These same people have never asked me to explain it, never let me share my life story.

My school didn't have diagnosticians. We were lucky to have a registered nurse. Sometimes I question if the counselor was actually licensed in something other than college and career planning.

I've gone through four counselors and psychologists. I spent my senior year of high school and first 3 years of college in and out of the counselors office. I've been on and off medications.

Nothing has ever worked for me. When I learned about HFA, it explained alot. I got a facility to accept consulting with me about it even though I was outside their typical range of patient. I spent 30 minutes with the doctor there, and they agreed with full confidence.

That's why medicines have never worked for me. There isn't a "fix* for this.

All I can do is try to break outside of my comfort zone and try to change myself forcibly.

But that starts with the people in my orbit, my real friends, the people who genuinly care about me to motivate me and help me improve myself.

The people who have actually read this to the end.

Thank You.

Previous Entry, Part 2: https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/615994879114362880

Previous Entry, Part 1:

https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/615982884577263616